#ive tried to make my art something its not and now am just OWNing it

[dynamite-derek]

Sea of Stars: The best game you played as a child that released in 2023

When I was in middle school, I have vivid memories of playing Chrono Trigger. I rented it from my local video store, a poor man's family video. It even had a tanning bed, as was the style at the time. I sat in front of my grandmother's mid-size CRT television and was amazed at just about everything I saw. The beautiful pixel art, the various set pieces, the story, the music. Everything. My inner monologue for about a month after experiencing Chrono Trigger for the first time was using "thees" and "thous" a lot like Frog did in that localization. He was the best character so the way he spoke was the best way to speak. Simple as that.

Often times games try to ape Chrono Trigger because my experience with it is hardly a unique one. Most of the time, I feel these games miss the mark or fall short of it. They tease you with the "Chrono Trigger" but it more hits on some highlights that Chrono Trigger had instead of making an actual good game that can stand on its own merits. The example that comes most prominently to mind is "I Am Setsuna," a game I once wrote about on this blog. It's a game that mindlessly tries to take what makes Chrono Trigger a good game and slaps it onto something else. A soulless product developed by a company with a soulless name (Tokyo RPG Factory.)

My brother has been pestering me to play Sea of Stars for months now. Yet the specter of products like "I Am Setsuna" prevented me from making the jump for a long time. Yes, aesthetically, it played the part...but if I were to go back in time and rent this game from the fake Hollywood Video and play this on the mid-size CRT at my grandmother's house, would it capture my imagination? Would it stand on its own?

Yes.

On the surface, Sea of Stars looks like it's trying to be Chrono Trigger. They have the combo attacks, they have the wacky cast of characters from a variety of different backgrounds, the overworld and spritework looks pretty close and the music...well, the music can often feel like it was lifted straight from that very SNES game. But there's more to it than that. Quite literally. Sea of Stars doesn't just try to mimic the style of one beloved RPG, it lifts from several and becomes something of a Jack of all retro turn based trades.

The combat uses timed hits like Super Mario RPG - a system that's extremely easy to wrap your mind around but is extremely adept at keeping the player's attention. You can't just take your mind off of the game once you hit 'attack.' It also has the ability to change your characters in combat, which gives the game something of a Final Fantasy X (it's odd that a 20+ year old game is the 'newest' thing mentioned here) feeling. Sometimes a spot will call for a poison user, sometimes it will call for your warrior cook, sometimes it will call for your moon user. It's simple, but it makes each encounter feel unique and engaging. It also uses something akin to a limit break system, as seen in various Final Fantasy titles. Everybody gets an elaborate ultimate attack. When is the right time to use it? Even more variables tossed into a fairly easy-to-use system.

It's not just in the gameplay either. One of the big mistakes video game companies make when making 'new' retro games is that they cram too much story into the game. Don't get me wrong, stuff like Final Fantasy IV, Lunar Silver Star Story and Chrono Trigger have plenty of story, but go back and play those games and then go play Final Fantasy VII. The amount of dialogue and dedication to storytelling is next level compared to what you get in SNES games. Older RPGs have a smattering of world building and story but that is bolstered by the gameplay. Sea of Stars is similar in this regard. It does not have 'too much' story, it has about as much as you would see in an SNES RPG. It leaves something to the imagination. Not every last detail of the world is explained, you're left with a sense of wonder.

When I first heard the term 'solstice warrior,' I grimaced. It sounded so lame, like something out of a kid's cartoon. And yet, it is tackled with sincerity. They don't go out of their way to tell you every aspect of what goes into making these warriors, they keep things very simple and straight forward. It just feels authentic. By the end of the game I wanted to learn more about this world and these characters, I did not feel like everything had been spelled out in game and there was something left to discover. Even a post-game twist felt like something a kid would tell you at school and you'd just roll your eyes and say 'yeah fucking right Ned, I'm sure collecting all 60 conch shells will do that.'

My discovery with this game is that in order to create a 'love letter' to a genre, you need to focus on more than one game. It needs to just focus on lots of things. I am Setsuna feels like a shallow clone of Chrono Trigger. Sea of Stars feels like a game that saw great elements from a lot of other great games and came to its own conclusions by throwing those things together. I fully believe a middle school aged Derek would have been glued to his Grandma's CRT for a month straight playing this game. It's the highest compliment that I can pay this game. It's not better than Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasy VI or Earthbound. But it still stands on its own and it is fantastic.

#sea of stars #jrpgs #video games #turn based #xbox #switch #ps5 #indie #nostalgia #rambling

[kingspacebar]

Is there any particular artist, show, game, or movie that inspired ur art style? It’s so pretty ^^

I have so many!!! I definitely can't name every single one but heres a few that have been extremely influential to me!! This took me 2 hours to write i am SO sorry lmao

Puyo Puyo (Specifially Fever, Quest, and Tetris)

CUTESY BRIGHT BRIGHT COLORS!!!!!! Thats everything I love!!!!!! I'm pretty sure I talked about this when I first got into puyo puyo but I for SURE instantly decided that yep Im steering my style in this direction sorryyyyyy!!! I just think its so fun and silly and cute and rahhh it makes me so happy.

Especially for the work I do most often, which is character portraits without backgrounds, I will often look at puyo puyo posing just to get ideas!! (I've drawn Arle's dumbfounded pose 100000000 times becus I love it so much). The puyo puyo anatomy has very noodly arms and legs but with big ass shoes and accessories which is probably my favorite design thing in the world....

I seriously recommend just looking through the Puyo Puyo Nexus wiki for pose ideas (if you want something cute/silly of course) because every single one is just perfect. I am trying to get out of some dumb art habits of my own right now, but hopefully in the future you'll be able to see more goofy poses with sillier effects :3

Muse Dash Again I want you to look at the COLORS. Its so bright and this time you can really tell where I took my shading style from. I dont want my shadows to be dark I want them to be PINK or PURPLE. thank you. For my own art, I really try to make it so the darkest "black" is actually a deep purple or blue, and as I keep making art that dark color keeps getting just a bit lighter haha...

This is also the reason I color my lineart the way I do. I just really want to add as many colors as possible into the image. And if the image looks a bit more pink after that then thats just an extra perk!!

I also need to bring up the animation because they're just so bouncy and alive!!! This is like an instant stunlock for me, I have to look at them, theyre so BOUNCYYY!!!!!! I don't do much animation but every other week I get the sudden urge to try tweening again just to eventually get to the point I can make something similar to these for my own ocs lol

Great Pretender This show has some of the most gorgeous art ive ever seen. All the backgrounds are so bright and colorful. I dont usually draw art with backgrounds anymore sadly, but when I used to I really tried to study these for them. And I hope in the future I can make more art and show how far I've come.

Though I;ve changed to a more chibi style in recent times (thanks puyo puyo), this was still one of the first times I had ever watched a show and said "Oh my god I love this artstyle I need to get better at art" and Its always in my mind for that reason.

Ive definitely stolen lots of elements from the style. Though they've gotten more subtle over the years. I dont really know how to describe it any further but I hope you understand what I mean by looking at these screenshots,,,

#theres a TON more but I these r my favs!!!! #asks

[ivanzplaid]

Ok i think i have a cute idea for slasher hcs??

Maybe them trying to deop hints that they want to date but the reader being oblivious? Idk i just really like that trope

LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS, CUTEE

thank you sm for the idea its perfect, this trope is amazing🙏 ALSO IH MY GOD I GOT 600 FOLLOWERS WHILE I WAS INACTIVE ILY

im sorry ive been so dead i swear its just classwork thats been catching up to me😭

requests r open, masterlist is up!!

im currently working on my white death requests & others, but classes are here so i may be a little caught up!

Slashers x Gn Reader | Dropping Hints

Including; Freddy Krueger, Otis Driftwood, Candyman, Baby Firefly, The White Death & Lester Sinclair! ( if yall want a pt 2. with ither slashers id be happy to hear🫶 )

Warnings: Mentions of Violence, Flirtation, Language, Fluff

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Otis Driftwood

if he has his eyes on anybody, hes as obvious as the sun with flirting, he wants to lay it flat out and charm you in his own otis way

"Woah there sexy! Where 'ya goin, you don't wanna spend dinner over here?"

his little smile with a hand over your shoulder, hes really trying to woo you and see you flustered

you assume it was his southern charm, so you smile at him and give him an oblivious response

"Sure! What would we be eating, and do you need help preparing?"

while mama firefly is jolly you asked to help, otis's smile falters at your enthusiasm of dinner and not him

"It could be you darlin', if you'd seek your way to my room."

even with the painstakingly sexual sentence, you give him a rather nervous look before laughing, and hes stumped

he will linger around you a lot, always giving you a smile and his adoring eyes, taking you out a lot to go to town with him & to get art supplies

he only has you give criticism on his art, and while this is less obvious, its his way of showing trust and trying to invite you in more

if he was anymore obvious with it hed die, hes given you his sweatshirts, even washing them, to make the hint as bug as possible, but you just smiled and thanked him before saying how cold it was, then going to spend time with baby

"Ah fuck, there goes that little ball of sunshine. The fuck am I doin' wrong?"

when he talks to mama about it, she suggests doing more classic romantic gestures, maybe his ways if flirting werent to your style

he thinks its corny and stupid, but for you hed try it once

he had baby help him find good looking flowers in the fields

mama made your favorite food to help🫶

he proposed a dinner between you two, and you accepted kindly, wanting to spend more time with him anyway

it was you and him st the table, dinner before you, and he gave you the flowers, saying, for o ce, something genuinely seeet to you, and when he saw your smile & you trying to avoid eye contact because if how hot your face was, he knew it worked

after the dinner and overly sweet compliments he threw at you, he finally gained the confidence to be straight and ask you to be his s/o, a rare shy tone coming over him to drop it gently

after that, he is all iver you, and while the sweet comments stay, hes happy you finally get his sexual innuendos

Baby Firefly

baby is a lot less obvious, but the average person could pick up the hints shes putting down

"Well don't you look all cute, I could kiss you right now!"

her smile is wide and she tries her best to look her cutest for you, but damn, shes impressed by how youre so calm, especially when she slips her hand on your shoulder and brings her nose to yours

but mama never raised a quitter

she always grabs your hand and brings you to her room to relax there, trying on clothes or letting her do your make up, visa versa

if you let her brush/admire your hair, shes all over it, massaging your scalp while being gentle with your hair texture

and if you were to ask to do that to her? she's screaming internally, a huge smile on her face the while time while she giggles, her face growing red

she constantly has you around her, even performing for you one time, and when a victim they had over complimented you, her face dropped, and she goes to your side, hand over your neck and ruffling your hair while tracing her hand over your collarbone

shes trying her best to drop subtle hints, have you make the first move, but she takes things a step further with you not getting it

she amps her pet names up, as well as her general personality, trying to have you in her arms more

if youre sitting on the couch, she'll sit herself on your lap and wrap her arms around your neck, starting a conversation then, and maybe even falling asleep on your chest

"Aw Honey, why don't me and you rest together upstairs."

she does everything she needs to make her stance known, and when you finally get the point, shes all smiles and laughing into your face

The White Death

if he wants to date you, he will be as charming as ever

taking your hand gently, kissing it while treating you to dinner, your choice of the restaurant. dont worry about the cost, he could buy the entire restaurant if he wanted to, or if you asked

soothing dates that leave memories of him in your mind; a breath-taking view, one on one time while clothes shopping, buying out s movie theater so you two can view it in the peace of eachother

flowers, gifts, soft & considerate touches, cooking, and cards written for you, all to make you more familiar with his love, but when you arent getting it, hes slightly confused, but he truly loves you, so he will keep trying

"My heart and soul, my closest beloved, I will be with you once again at noon, there's breakfast on the table." sweet little notes in the mornings

he lets you hug him, and hell keep the hug for twice as long as you can, he keeps his lingering gaze on you and wonders what hed do without you, but you just smile and wonder whats on his mind

he tries to swoon you with words, and when you laugh at his remarks hes taken aback, you dont know his occupation or his personal life, and you arent the slightest bit intrigued by his actions, he knows its time to pop the question

he is very nervous, his mind is taken back all day, he doesnt know what to do with himself, he isnt paying attention to his work and he finds himself zoning out more

when you finally come to him, his face is dull, hes trying to conceal how antsy he is

"I believe in taking time to what you love, more than life, more than whatever a god could grant me."

poetic AND hot? youre burning up while he speaks

when he takes your hands in his, gently interlocking his fingers with yours, he gazes into your eyes and tells you just how he feels

youre stunned, you didnt expect all this, and its so much to process, but all of a sudden the remarks and gestures make sense

hes overjoyed when you say yes, a smile appearing on his face while he kisses you, laughing quietly to himself as he sees you thinking back on his past hints <33

Lester Sinclair

lester bless his soul, hes as clueless as you to flirting

he ends up looking goody, or saying something that comes out the wring way, but it always makes you laugh, and his cheeks turn red when you do

"Cut me some slack Darlin'! My ass is covered in mud from my slip, now help me out!"

atleast he serves entertainment while flirting

he uses his clumsiness as a form of flirting, it keeps you hanging out with him in Ambrose after all

he gets you either slightly wilted flowers or the most dirt and grime covered flowers youve ever seen, he picks them on his car rides in snd iut if Ambrose and he thinks theyre perfect the way they are

if he sees a trinket, its yours, whether its misding a piece of slightly stained, he thinks its absolutely perfect for you, and after cleaning it up, he presents it to you

he believes he does a good job st flirting while being subtle, thats why youre not effected right??

it takes bo explaining to him that you literally do not notice his attempts for him to grt the push he needed to do more

"Oh.. is that why they don't ask me out yet?"

hes a little disheartened, he wont give up because he truly has an interest in you, and youve granted him with nothing but good times

he thinks its funny how badly youre missing his cues, even when he makes a kissy face at you and you just think nothing of it, he takes a slight advantage to this

he wants to see how long itll be before you officially notice, and he made a bet with bo, whos eager to not lose

Freddy Krueger

he thinks its so fucking funny that you dont notice, he is the most DIRECT man to flirt

at first hes a little serious or disappointed ted, like be real, he talks about how he wants to drag you into his dreamworld and keep you there snd you dont know hes flirting

but after his initial reaction, youre never seeing the end of it

"Hot stuff, why don't you let me take you to somewhere where nobody can hear us?"

he teases you, sticking his tongue out provocatively or giving you certain looks, whatever it is to see if there will be a reaction

while he would keep this game going for a bit, eventually his genuine love for you would come out some more

maybe it was the slow sweet treats coming in

or the more 'romantic' situations

but he tried to make it so that your reactions could come out differently

but yourr judt thinking of how nice he is for doing it

he has a huge ego and isnt afraid to ask you, but he would prefer the time to be right, so it may take days or weeks for him to perfect this

he will make fun of you after youre dating to how blind you were and will bring it up

Candyman

he loves to take things slower paced while still sensual, so maybe your obliviousness is preferred here

he likes to woo you, his hints are intimate while not going too far

smaller 'dates', some flowers here and there, maybe keeping you next to his coat while you walk together

he wants to treat you while you both enjoy the time spent together

eventually, he will take it a step further because hes immersed himself in your time, he wants to ask you out, but he needs to know how youre feeling about this, and wants to know your reaction by his larger hints

when he takes you out and you see a romantic movie together, he slips a hand over your shoulder and you happily lean in closer, hes as hopeful and joyful as ever

hes a little amused when you thank him for warming you up, as you began to get goosebumps

when you two are on a walk through an empty park, he takes your hand in his, and you two chat easily

later, you thank him for taking your hand to guide you, because you were worried you might get lost

he laughs after every one if these, because its funny how youre so sweet with someone like him, its refreshing

he tries to be involved with you a lot and do more special things, but inside he knows you wont get the hint unless he asks you, but its nice to have you around like this even so

when he does eventually ask, which may be months after he realizes, he makes things hearty and slow paced, maybe its to make sure you get what hes asking, or maybe its judt because thats how hes loved to soend his time with you

either way, his emotions are overjoyed when yiu say yes, and he smiles warmly as you recount all the thjngs he did for you and how you mayve missed the mark a few times

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oh my god im so sorry sbout not answering requests in timely manners n shit, ive been a little busier than usual, but ill make it up🫶🫶 this is my apology for being so late😭

requests r open, masterlist is up!!

#lester sinclair x you #lester sinclair x reader #lester sinclair #house of wax #otis driftwood #otis driftwood x you #otis driftwood x reader #house of 1000 corpses #baby firefly #baby firefly x you #baby firefly x reader #freddy krueger #freddy krueger x reader #freddy krueger x you #nightmare on elm street #noes #slasher #slashers #slasher x you #slasher x reader #x slasher #candyman #candyman x reader #candyman 1992 #the white death #white death #bullet train #the white death x you #the white death x reader #bullet train white death

[stingrayloveblog]

Whee side order

My thoughts on it! THERE WILL BE SPOILERS!! Youve been warned.

So, here are my honest thoughts. Let me just start by warning further that this is mostly negative.

Took me about two hours and one attempt to beat all 30 floors. Was pretty fun. I used splattershot though because i suck at dualies.

But... it felt very quick. Felt like there was a whole lotta nothing plotwise, too. It was fun, but the plot is pretty weak. Its just another rogue-ai-tries-to-assimilate-everyone plot. Which has already been done. For some reason they keep trying to do octo expansion but again and they keep failing to do that.

Taking everything into consideration, acht really had no reason to be there. You could remove acht entirely and have the same results. And im not just saying that because i dont like dedf1sh. They dont add anything to anything.

I havent unlocked all marinas dev notes but so far theres been her motive of saving the sanitized octarians which......... i have my own personal issues with that. They seem to not be able to decide how they want sanitization to work.

Doing the pallets, i assumed they would give you some memory thing related to the associated character, but you just get a stupid little comment from the post-final boss that doesnt really add anything to the plot or the characters. Also murch is on luna blaster for some reason. I was speculating a lot on who luna blaster and octobrush could be assigned to, but seems like theyre just doing anyone. Murch is very irrelevant to everything as a whole so its kinda just like whatever.

That being said, i feel extremely bad for agent 4 fans. Those humanoid red eyed things with one of them looking like 4 and then them not doing anything with that at all was a huge fake out.

From what i saw, a lot of people were theorizing and expecting things based on all the evidence we got that we never did end up getting because they went an entirely different route. No agent 4 being possessed or whatever (unless thats still true and just unlocked much later, which im hoping because it would make everything a lot more interesting), no implied body swapping, no copybots.

And most of all, nothing from the first trailer we got. With all the concept art. I know it was just CONCEPT art for a reason, but surely you cant just show off all these things and then have the final result be absolutely nothing like it? Then again, splatoon 3 has had more than enough false advertising already, so i guess it was wrong to expect things to be as shown. I just really really liked the giant hostile architecture black spikes picture. And theres none of that at all.

Basically, everything that was expected was significantly cooler than what we got, and to be completely honest, i dont think it was worth splatoon 3 being in really bad shape for such a long time. I dont think it really justified the amount of dumb things that happened over the past few seasons.

I do still think its fun, and i absolutely am going to try to collect everything, but it was significantly less interesting overall than i anticipated.

I do think the final boss attacks syncing with the rhythm was cool. But other than that the level design is extremely repetitive and there really is no variation. Im only enjoying it now because ive used weapons that i like/dont mind using, but once i have to start using weapons im bad at i just know itll be insufferable.

Overall, i am unfortunately disappointed but i still have hope that maybe there is something more, because surely that couldnt have been it.

Also just because it doesnt go along with any of my oc stories at all and i am absolutely not changing anything on my end because frankly im sick of doing that

#and if you dont agree with me thats perfectly fine and i dont want to hear it #splatoon 3 #weaponblog #side order

[abimee]

was trying to write a post but it just wasnt coming out how i liked it or conveying what i was thinking about the jist of it was that i was thinking about how i used my art as my only tool in isolation to think about things that people tried to teach me was ''wrong'' like being trans or having acne but of which i never understood why it was ''wrong'' as a kid, so i ran off to my secluded corner to draw up what i was thinking about and how i really struggled wanting to show what i was seeing because there was no tutorial or online tips or refferences on how to do things, i didnt have any icons i was looking up to because they were isolated and hidden from me for the exact same reason, so for a long time my art felt like it was me trying to ''call out'' into the darkness to an idea i could just barely see on the horizon but couldnt get to through the murky depths of isolation and being told that art has to be a certain way and people need to look a certain way in it

to finally getting to a point where i seemingly managed to grasp that idea and shine a light onto it and have the depths disappear and everyones voices fade out until all i could see was the image clear in my head, and i was able to draw what i wanted because i finally ''understood it'' --- and this is about a lot of things in my art, like discovering i was trans or letting go of my fear of having self harm scars or acne scars or gaining weight, or even just random bullshit like having red cheeks or crooked teeth or weird looking knees. like i grew up rooted in so much self hatred and around people who were so mean and judgemental and i felt like i couldnt even fit myself into the little box of expectation placed before me and my friends that even when i ran away to my art i felt like i was trapped by the will of the world around me with nowhere to go and no way to communicate my sadness, because above all else i really do think all i wanted when i was younger was for people to be happy and to be happy myself, but i felt like i was being strangled by the thoughts and ideals of those around me to even the smallest degree, like a passing judgemental remark about someones self harm scars or crooked teeth

so now that i can draw that and communicate a positive love for people, that everyone is amazing and that nobody is ''wrong'', that love ive had since i was a kid for the world around me and everyone i met, it feels really good!! i cannot explain how much it means to me that people let me draw this way and respond psoitively to it and are moved by it because it feels like ive been locked in a box all my life not knowing what to do or what i was thinking about, and someone finally opened up the box and let me out and showed me what it all means. does that make sense? i feel like my art was a gateway to recognizing my own identity and who i am and to tell me that its not Wrong to be a certain way, that the people i was raised around were not telling the truth, that i wasnt a failure or doing something wrong when my teeth yellowed beyond my control or acne started showing up on my skin, that it wasnt wrong to have mobility aids or be suicidal or gain weight

like when i look back at my old art i see younger me who was struggling with a lot and just wanting to understand what it all meant, and as i grew up and put my art out there i was shown that the world wasnt a mean and cruel place, that it didnt have to be, and it really allowed me to open up and draw more. this post makes about as much sense as my draft but i just wanted to say all of this to say THANK YOU to everyone who has supported me because it really does mean more than you will ever know in so many ways!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if youve been here for a while you may have even seen how much happier i am now and how my art has developed as i got happier and its all because i know now that the world doesnt have to be cruel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you !!!!!! (^ old art i drew as a 15 year old as a thsank you)

[bambidoll96]

Writing out a fantasy, it might prove embarrassing or off putting to some but inneed to at least get it out:

Im just gonna say it plainly. I want to be a pornstar... but i want to do it my way. Im not here to fuck; suck? maybe occasionally but thats not the point.

I want to do long and intimate scenes: elaborate ropings with a focus on each individual wrap or knot, as well as highlighting any banter between me and my rigger; Impact scenes that could double for toy infomercials that cary into at least the first round of aftercare and maybe more. Sensation scenes blending the tickling and overstim with soft teddybear cuddling, and as much dialogue as i can reply to in such a state; bob ross esque body art paintings; recorded hypno sessions, even if im mostly asleep and not moving much im sure there is a real appeal somewhere (Heck pull bambi out and let her do her own scenes... i am honestly curious how much interest there might be in letting my wider plurality come into play?)

everything ive actually tried with another person outside of Sex sex has been heavenly (yes even the really really dumb "coffee" date) and there is a growing desire/need to be seen (or especially to be shown off) rising within me.

Sure cut the it down for pornhub or wherever so it can make the money but also do the long cuts that actually show off the art of the scene for those who actually appreciate it.

I want to work with a variety of tops and maybe with time get comfortable acting as a top myself(maybe, not sure if ill enjoy it in the long run) i want to explore as many kinks as i can find and experience them as much as my body/mind/spirit can handle. Maybe "owned" collectively by a small group, maybe with a single main partner who ensures i always make it home in one piece. Definitely in some way in which i am truely safe and secure, and done as sanely as possibe; with partners who genuinely care about my consent and wellbeing

For now i know damn well im still inexperienced enough and uneducated enough that that level of commitment wont really be possible any time soon even if there is any slim hope that it might be in the future. I also know that building the kind of social/support network to actually get anywhere near even the city that the ballpark is in is going to be a persuit that will likely span the rest of my life.

Yes right now i am no where near stable enough to even look for a real foothold and i know the entire wall is at an acute angle (especiallyconsideringi really dont want to work the camera, editing booth, or goddess forbid the distro/business side. But i have gotten a taste and i know it really is something i think i want to seriously persue once i am able; even as so many of my existing connections tell me its just a fantasy and seem to indicate that its just not possible.

Theres just something in my soul that calls out for it, even if we dont really know how "it" might happen or how "it" might pan out in the long, long run (maybe growing into a mentor as my body becomes less able to do the scenes myself) but we genuinely do want to make an earnest attempt.

#mtf sub #bambisleep #brainwashing #subby thoughts #bimboification #fem domme #bambi sleep #bimbo hypnosis #forced feminized #petpl4y

[bananafire11]

vent

please dont read if youre not in the right space rn. heavy on anger and feels. just wanna type it out somewhere and this blog is my safe space so

i am so fucking angry right now. like the kind of anger thats pent up and bubbles beneath the skin and is ready to implode out at any fucking second and i hate it so much. i dont feel like i have very good reasons for feeling this way either. or maybe im downplaying those reasons, i dunno

i dont want to bother any of my friends with this shit. i feel guilty because ik they have their OWN struggles. ik feeling this way is silly because i help them through so much, and am so glad to do so. but theres always this doubt.

anyway. on discord, i put my status on DNIUC sometimes because i just need space and ik that most of my close friends will see this and know to be careful that day. or if they text and im slow to respond, ik they understand. but theres these friends who KEEP spamming. and its driving me FUCKING MAD. one, who is very close and gosh i love them so much, sends me so much every day. youd think after the first few times i didnt respond, he'd get the fucking jist and think "ill stop there" but instead he KEEPS ON. ITS OVERWHELMING. and the subject of these texts isnt bad or anything, but its always about him and his bf. i dont have the energy to talk about them 24/7. im beyond happy for him, that hes happy. but FUCK. im asexual and never have been in a relationship, and sometimes it feels like a fuckyou to me?? ik he doesnt mean it that way at all!! but!!! idk, sometimes its like theres a longing for a bf of my own. but i dont want to settle. ill wait for the right boy. right now, hes not here. and im not actively looking for a relationship, i have so much shit going on. so, i usually ignore this guys dms as long as i can. i feel guilty, but at the same time fucking furious that i even have to do it in the first place, if that makes sense. i love him dearly, but it's forced me to just put my status on 'invisible' so it looks like im offline. better to avoid people, ig.

theres another guy, who isnt as close, but ive made great friends with thus far in the time ive met him over a game i enjoy. but again, doesnt know when to stop. why are you texting me when it says dniuc!!! YOU ARENT CLOSE. ive explained 'close' is friends ive known for a year or so, which isnt exactly true actually... but i needed to tell him something that wouldnt hurt his feelings. after i clarified for the second time, he let up. but still. people are fucking annoying and its so FRUSTRATING that i love them because that makes shit so complicated.

then, family. ive been snowed in with my mom and sister for over a fucking week and I NEED OUT. i never thought id say this but I WANT TO BE AT SCHOOL. AWAY FROM HOME. my neighbors, who are more so aunt and uncle to me and my sister, let me go over and stay hours with them when i need it. but i dont feel like trecking thru the fking snow to get there. last night i stayed over and watched a favorite movie of mine with them and it was great, but having the energy to do that feels exhausting tonight.

im trying to distract myself with art, but its not working like it normally does. and its goddamn hard. tried videogames, youtube, but nothing is bringing me true relief. but i dont want to sleep either. ugh.

vent art, anger.

#banana brain blurbs #vent post

[internet-overdosed]

What's the point of living? like, genuinely. All i do is wake up, dread the day, power through the day, and then go home and go to sleep.

There's not much to it, I'm not smart, i never study even though i want to, and when i do get the motivation to study i never actually remember anything. I'm a below average student, no one in my family would be proud of that.

I have classmates who consider themselves my friends but honestly i feel no connection towards them. People online are a similar story, i do care about them though. Sometimes i love someone so much it flips a switch in my brain and i start hating them or i start being so scared of them that i cry whenever i even see their name.

I have no one, and no one has me. I'm in a constant cycle of loneliness but its no ones fault other than my own.

I don't have talents, i suck at everything. And even in the things i have skill in, its never enough, im always worse than the people around me. Art, music, dance, everything.

I'm ugly, im overweight, im just a fly that happened to land on an incomplete masterpiece. a fly that dies from being trapped in the drying paint.

I have a terrible personality, a personality i steal from the people around me. And right now ive stolen it from someone who didnt care for me or my friends and deeply hurt them.

I've hurt so many people. People who loved and cared for me. I've abandoned so many people. I myself am scared of abandonment, which is why i leave people first. Which is something i didnt even notice about myself until my best friend (who i later abandoned) pointed it out.

When i try to make friends or talk to people i always mess it up and say the wrong thing, they always end up hating me or thinking i hate them and i just dont know what to do anymore.

I'm always sad and lonely and i just wanna die. I don't even deserve to feel that way cause ive had a pretty good life.

My mom tried her best, she had a fucked up life and turned into a fucked up person. She tries her best though. She deserves better than some rat child who hates her because her best just wasnt enough apparently. sure, i live in a room where theres no space cause theres trash everywhere, i have to share a bed with my mom, but thats nothing compared to everyone elses issues.

My life doesnt matter, its just a cycle of pain i put myself through.

I just want one person i can love and who loves me back, thats all. Thats all i want before i end my miserable little life.

#i originally planned to end it on march 5th 2027 but i believe it may be sooner than that #i cant do it anymore #i cant #i really cant #🎀 ame types 💉

[quark-art]

6, 21, and 25?

6. Which artists inspire you right now?

@punkitt-is-here @rennyrose @comicaurora <- these cool ppl

punkitt is just kind of a fun person to watch in her element, shes over there fucking around and having tons of fun and its great to see, her art is so expressive and unapologetic in what it is, makes me feel a lot less anxious about my own art. ive also been looking into game dev stuff recently and i dont think i would have thought it was possible without her Blogging

renny has an incredible understanding of anatomy, colors and expressions that has actually been affecting my own style recently. ive felt more comfortable drawing muscles lately and i think its partially because ive been Looking at his art so much. i think it says something about his skill as a comic artist that i dont even watch tri-gun and yet i am still very attached to his portrayal of livio

red has also heavily affected my style im pretty sure, particularly how i draw eyes and hair. she also inadvertently taught me how to draw heads from a low angle lol. she has a lot of passion in her work that i think is really easy to see, and whenever i read aurora im reminded that the most important part about creating art is wanting to create it. id definitely say that her work has affected my life for the better in more ways than one. if my mountain of fanart didnt make it obvious, aurora is a really important story to me and im really glad red decided to make it (as a sidenote, i met a lot of my closest friends through aurora). anyway hey red youre the best!

21. Weirdest thing you’ve ever drawn?

25. Based on your recent reference searches, what would the FBI assume about you?

answered already!

#quark art #asks

[nicomrade]

i didnt read nearly as much this year (2023) compared to last, i mostly re-read my faves that ill maybe post about one day and i read non-fiction from libraries. I am a Communist by Park Kun-Woong and Ichi-F by Kazuto Tatsuta are the two that id say stood out the most in that regard, but i kinda wanna keep these retrospective posts to fiction only so lets go for my actual 6 picks naow

Poison City - Tetsuya Tsutsui (2014-2015) opening with my favorite author, poison city is about art censorship- specifically of mangas in japanese libraries- how it happens, why, by and for whom, who it affects, how it shapes the publishing industry and so on. it was written after tsutsui found out his own work (manhole) had been banned in a prefecture, without him ever being notified. its only 2 volumes but the most nuanced discussion of the topic ive seen. like all tsutsui work it is in my brain forever like a worm and if i see it IRL i get an urge to reread it right there right now. which happens often cuz french libraries (justifiably!) love it

Gekiga-Yose: Fallen Words - Tatsumi Yoshihiro (2009) i got into a little gekiga rabbithole sometime last spring that segued really nicely into a rakugo moment for me. Fallen Words is neatly at the junction of the two and maybe the best way to experience rakugo stories if you cant watch performances? its not rakugo but it tries really hard to make the original jokes work in a new medium. fascinating project that i really enjoyed and laughed outloud at while reading. it also helps other rakugo-based fiction have more context and depth for a non-rakugo liker audience

Blood on the Tracks / Chi no Wadachi - Oshimi Shuzo (2017-2023) "this is not a work that wants to teach you how to heal, how to cope, or give you catharsis, or tragedy." chi no wadachi is about parental abuse and keeps to following the protagonist for as long as his mom has influence over his life, in all of the ways that she does, and nothing more. its heavy, its hard, and its something you need to meet halfway. not the oshimi shuzo work id necessarily start with but its the one i read fully this year and also the one i got into comment fights on mangadex about lol

Billy Bat - Naoki Urasawa & Nagasaki Takashi (2008-2016) billy bat is about art and its about making art and its about what if there was a bat on the moon that gave you catharsis. its got historical fiction its got protagonist changes its got walt disney its got an insane amount of historical research put in. its got two bats. its art as an universal language, as something its artist owns but that also belongs to everyone who's ever connected with it, art as the root of humanity, as the lense through which people view and shape the world. and its about a japanese-american artist named kevin.

Bokurano: Ours - Kitoh Mohiro (2003-2009) bokurano is about kids who are roped into a mecha war for earth's survival. it questions whether you can live without harming others, the nature of remorse, childhood trauma, and so on. its dubiously a death game- i count it as one but its also explicitely interested in this very question- "is this a game?". is bullying a game? Is csa a game? Is parental abuse a game? Neglect? Sibling violence? War? Is that what a game is? anything that children do?

Undercurrent - Toyoda Tetsuya (2004-2005) its easy to say reading undercurrent feels like youre drowning because the water motif is already omnipresent but this really is a piece where the story and the artistic motif are just in symbiose. undercurrent explores one woman's life managing her bathhouse almost on her own at the same time as she's dealing with more personal issues, and my first instinct upon seeing the cover is always to hold my breath. cannot say anymore just read it

+ bonus mention to Gantz - Hiroya Oku (2000 - 2013) for ruining my whole life. i didnt start it in 2023 but i was overcome by some sort of fever in january that made me finish this fucking manga and it hasn't left me since. don't read gantz. you can watch the live action movies they cut out 95% of the manga and make it actually good also akagi's actor (kanata hongo) plays my fave character in them. but whatever you do, don't read gantz.

#my death games #nicomreads #hongo playing that guy in gantz ruined me cuz now i cant remember the name of the actual character i always just call him akagi #i think hes nishi? who cares hes akagi. they put akagi in gantz. hes besties w the ball

[3style3]

rant about the whole "ai is the future" that techbros keep spewing and why i think its stupid and incorrect and that we will absolutely be fine. read below the cut if u wanna hear my techy rant.

ai does not have the five senses, it cannot taste, hear, smell, touch or if you wanna get technical, THINK. all it knows is anything spoonfed to it and anything it “generates” is an amalgamation of everything its been spoonfed. it cannot make a perfect recipe (cant taste, smell, see), generate good sounding music (cant hear), all art it generates is well.. a literal mashup / collage of preexisting works (cant be creative without being given prompts and prexisting artwork), its a parody of existing works more than it is actual art. (see: definition of parody) it cannot create new sewing patterns (cant see, cant test it in a 3d space) nor can it write good literature (cant think, memory limits, only knows what its told). ai literature is becoming increasingly easier to sniff out by anyone who has written or studied literature in any capacity given it only writer colleen hoover esque work or something akin to a 14 year old on wattpad. (if someone presents me actual writing vs ai writing, with some looking into it i could easily sniff it out given how repetitive & unsure of itself it can be, source: ive tried writing storylines with it and it began "calling back" details that never happened within the story)

chatgpt will 100% be paywalled once it gets all the info it needs from self proclaimed alphamales who think lifting weights or waking up just an hour before school (those “wake up at 5 am videos “ ring a bell?? newsflash i was waking up at 4 am during highschool & even after; you are not cool) makes them cool (lol) and techbros on twitter who Mind you are never professionals in the field. theyre always whining about the downfall of nfts (something my dad (PROFESSIONAL) and i (hobbyist) forsaw, by the way) with no company that they own or even work for listed.

nobody smart in the industry who has been in it for more than 2 years genuinely believes ai is taking over. it quite literally cannot replace people who create clothing, ORIGINAL artwork that has never been seen before, musicians, engineers, service workers (only so much a robot can do to solve a customers problem!) human connections (current chatbots are going through their downfalls as we speak). not to mention the privacy risk that people are increasingly becoming concerned about (ie. how people are reacting to “windows 12 ai”)

is ai advancing? absolutely. no doubt about it. will it become anything more than just an assistant to humans? absolutely not. remember when people were convinced that synthesizers would end musicians as we know it and it simply became a tool to assist us? remember when people thought that digital art was going to end all artists as we know it.. and it simply became another medium? remember all the times we thought computers were gonna replace humans and it never did? remember when people were CONVINCED nfts were the absolute end all be all, and it DIED as nothing more than a fad? thats the exact path ai is taking. ai has always been around but now its advancing and that intimidates people, but it shouldnt, because without humans adding variables and inputs, it is literally useless. it is a robot that quite literally cannot work alone. we are fine. techbros are fucking idiots.

#blog #techbros are stupid

[dullahandyke]

post got long whoops. tldr autism plus unmedicated adhd equals media hellscape

have recently come to the realisation that ive had a complex about art consumption for a long long time, stemming from when i was a tween watching playthroughs and reviews and never playing or watching the stuff the reviews were based on. and some of that was because i was young and didnt have a computer to play danganronpa on, but i've been pirating shows as long as i've been on the internet, yet i never watched any of the anime all the youtubers talked about because it was safer and easier to listen to them talk about it and the culture than it was to ever have to seek out something i liked, to have to have my own thoughts about it. and that's followed me for at least 7 years at this point, and like, fuck, man, i wanna get out of that, but like, it's just so easy to sink into fanon. i don't watch youtube reviews anymore, but i've gotten into more than one fandom almost solely by reading a shitton of fanfiction about it. and i (former owner of yourfavehasfewerficsthanthislamp [eimear lore, veterans discount, etc]) am well aware that fanon near-universally flattens and disregards its characters and stories, saying 'fuck canon' and often for valid reason but rarely making anything better than it, but hell, it's just something to shove down my gob. it feels like easy reading, like i don't have to have my own big thoughts about symbolism and characterisation because someone else has done it for me, and it's shitty to treat fanfiction as inherantly less meaningful, but i do it anyway because it feels like the reading equivalent of having momma bird chew my food for me, and it makes me feel guilty but it keeps me fed! and i've found that a solution for this is to get into something that i've never seen anyone talk about, that nobody knows the Right Opinions for, and blade of the immortal has been wonderful for that! it's a good manga that's so long that it deters anyone from following me down the rabbit hole on a whim, and i like having my own little pit! but then i read another manga and i post about it and someone replies with an observation on the manga, and i think to myself, 'oh god', i think, 'now the neighbours are coming over and i have to clean the living room, i have to make sure my opinions are fully-formed and my appreciation is proper and there's not any mess', and even then there's a shitty bit that feels indignant because i liked to feel special, unique, like i was the only person that knew that manga and someone else has shattered that illusion, and i know i should be happy to share it but i never quite grew out of wanting to feel cool and obscure and like things were MINE. and the thing is that the more i read only fanfiction, the more i can literally feel my braincells dwindling, and i WANT to read something more substantial, because i know that if i pick up a novel or a manga or even the base material for the fic im reading, then i'll have fun and feel intelligent, but it feels like building myself up to opening that book is a chore that opening ao3 simply isnt. i've wanted to finished batman year one, i've wanted to read the hunchback of notre dame, but what i end up reading is a 33k batfam fic that i barely even read, that i only ever skim because slowing down and appreciating things and sitting with them, even just slowing down to actually read them, feels less like the direct hit of stimulus that skimming is. and so i've decided that the logical conclusion is to 1) get into media that i have never in my life seen on tumblr, that none of you fuckers could ask me about if you tried and 2) never ever post about it or search for community around it. to allow myself to read things wrong and to not have the pressure of feeling like there's someone over my back in all this, like i'm not in fandom or criticising fandom but just existing on my lonesome. potentially even to the point of going on break from tumblr for a bit, because i love you fuckers and this is a neutral statement but fandom is unavoidable on here. and i would for sure come back to tumblr and i would maybe come back to less obscure shit once i

hold on tumblr has a text block character limit. anyway once i built up more confidence in myself and didnt feel any pressure to have the right opinions about shit, even if i never engaged in fandom again but instead just kept up with some popular stuff, like an office worker who casually watches breaking bad or whatever. and this is really what i should be doing, and maybe not now because the leaving is in *checks watch* literally a month and a half oh fuck. and i need to focus my brainpower on that (lol as if thats gonna happen) but i cant make a concerted effort towards the leaving if im working on reforming my media habits. but even in the summer i could do it and i should do it, and cut back a little now to make it easier than going cold turkey.

which is why now was THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME to get into batman via take-a-fucking-guess ding-ding-ding fanfiction osmosis, something which is both 1) undeniably mainstream enough that the odds of me meeting people in real fucking life to ask me about my Correct Opinions are higher than i would like them to be and 2) a labyrinth thats been built over the course of like 80 years, out of comics and movies and shows and games and the comics alone are a mess of timelines and reboots and crossovers and whoops-this-character-is-in-this-comic-now-better-fuck-off-over-there-if-you-want-to-find-them that wreaks absolute HELL upon my 'i wanna be sooo well informed and read all the stuff and take no shortcuts' approach that kicks in whenever i DO start actually engaging in shit instead of just the fandom.

like sigh ill muddle through it because i picture dick grayson in motivational posters nowadays to help me do shit like get out of bed and climb stairs and take out my books, and i wanna return the favour, and like im getting closer 2 figuring out how to approach it (turns out the answer is 'one step at a time'. fucking shocker) but also fucking christ. idk idk idk ill go finish batman year one and then at some point ill watch the 2022 batman movie and then ill figure out where to go from there

#yes i AM autistic why do you ask?

[smileymoth]

it hurts so bad when he is on his own but then when he tries to fix it and it gets even worse because he can not fucking control himself. is he asleep, is he awake, no one knows. he's suffocating in his own grief and agony of self deprication and probably a coctail of meds. AND THE WAY HE DELIVERS those three last lines.... girl i'm kissing you on the mouth its so raw and out there from the rest of the opening of the song... that night the screaming hurt because it didn't come from him, it was someone else for once

"we find each other under blankets as warm as summer" is such a EASY lyric and it even rhymes so it's not even that rythmically complex, but the way he delivers it in the song makes me ascend into heaven forever and ever. as warm as summer. come on now... it makes summer warmth seem so comfortable even if it isn't (for me, anyway), is this the point? to make something so uncomfortably warm seem so heavenly??? am i the freak here who hates the sun??? (yes) "we are inseparable" INSEPARABLE. COME ON. AND YOU HAD TO RUIN IT.... the echo of the singing also sends shivers through my brain. it's somewhere far away from you but yet close because otherwise you wouldn't be hearing it... just like a dream, so clear yet distorted

this guy is describing a corpse like i an art student explain a still life painting. "we made it that way" shifting the blame. it was y o u who did it, not we. who is we. you killed them and now you are removing yourself from the situation because this is fine, it's all fine. it's just for the influence, an artist needs inspiration. they have more songs about death and inspiration... im so insane about this band. he's not grasping the situation, he thinks he's still falling in his dream forever but no it's wrong, it's done, it's done forever. "This coma kiss is infinite" no reason i just really like that line. a fluid and intricate dream also insinuates the fact that he remembers it crystal clear....

he's repeating it again, it makes me think he's somewhat grasping the situation but still in complete denial because oh it was so beautiful, death can't be beautiful. i am thinking about a soft green fleece blanket that looks like moss for no reason. he wrapped her up, drowned her, as she was bleeding out trying to stop it so now the blanket is soaked, she was struggling so it got everywhere. now she was the one who was suffocating, not him. "wrapped up in her" he might've been too delusional to realise what he was doing until it was too far gone and he had to make it final so he could never get rid of her even in death, so he made them inseparable from each other because this way they will always be connected.

it all got the better of him, his love became violent and too much, he betrayed himself and her by giving in to his dream like state. he know's he's delusional, that he's better left alone, he trusted himself too much and it landed him here.

morning arrived, it's still so fuzzy in his head he can't grasp it, the same song will have been embedded into his brain, their song, the only thing he could've heard. it's inseparable from the situation now, just like he and her... but the aftermath is grotesque, the ripped out hair, the smell of copper that will never leave. she tried to get out, the hair in the phone cord indicates, but he wanted it all for himself, he couldn't have anyone else nearby. it was a nightmare afterall, which figure would she have called upon if he had let her... he didn't want to find out. but now it's over and perhaps he doesn't know what happened. it was a nightmare not real life. something is wrong, so so wrong, why isn't she moving, why is there blood everywhere. heartrate speeding up yet skipping beats from the fear. something's not right. the fact that the music cuts out before the last line makes me think that it finally clicked, this wasn't a dream afterall

@pikslasrce never call me a coward again <3

@theslyvoid9 tagging you because ive been talking about this stupid song for months now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! moss and all!!!!!

DREAMING BY BOYS NIGHT OUT maybe ill finally be normal avbout this (lying) heres sleep deprived rambles of a song i am obsessed with.....

#moth post #music #graphic depictions of violence #using the ao3 tag bchow else do i even tag this

[mtk2]

Because I don't post anything interesting here, I made another drawing of another one. Here is The Dark Lord for ya.

I tried to make the uh... blade hand thingys different from the last time I did it. I don't like it though.

Now that I think about it, a lot of my drawings seem more like redraws when I wasn't even thinking of that. The poses and stuff look similar to how I drew the other stickfigures as well (though those were posted as a sort of ava/m crossover thing with a game. Long story. Look at my past drawings. Like.... far back. They were first drawn here for a sort of crossover fanart thing. idk what to call it.)

I am.... not original when it comes to drawing. And then drawing again because like I said, the poses look similar to how I drew them the first time.

Ehh....

Sorry. Can't lie. I still suck at this. XD

(excuse my bad ramble here of sorts)

When I finish drawing all the stickfigures (not counting those new ones in the new Animator vs Animation episode, if ya know what I mean), those will be the last time I post something interesting and with tags. I'll still probably draw, but it won't be tagged. (Though anything that's with the original stickfigures I may or may not draw in the future will be the only things tagged. Anything else won't)

It'll just be more ocs and me wanting to work on some kind of blog with those. Well. No one wants to see a stickfigure oc blog thingy XD. But I would like to try it. Ive seen blogs. Though Iguess those are justwith the original stickfigures and their own AUs. Or whatever its called (i wouldn't be smart enough to make my own au and use the original stickfigures. So yeah)

Ah. I'm rambling.

Before this gets more uninteresting (unless you were before seeing this), um... Idk. enjoy this. I guess. Cuz I don't. (No matter how many times someone says I shouldn't be hard on my art and to be nice to it, it eh... Idk if that'll happen).

Art block just sucks. I wish I was more original. Like... I can at least try to do some kind of art style besides just stick figures..... Idk. (I know I say 'idk' alot. Sorry)

Here. Tags. Uh.... wooo. Even though Idk which other tags to put. So I'm stuck putting two. fricking. tags.

#animator vs animation #ava the dark lord

[llapdog]

the OFFICIAL god is home retrospective

well, i was gonna make this an update to the website, and maybe i will, or maybe ill just link it on the last page. but i have an account on tumblr already, and ive tried to keep godishome posting to a minimum. so this is just a little post (possibly long. i havent written it yet, after all.) (update: it's long.) about god is home, the process of making it, my thoughts on it at this point in my life, and what i might (heavy on that might!) be working on next. put under a read more, for your sake.

happy 200 notes, god is home.

the first thing i should say is the typical "artist gets any amount of success" thing: i am absolutely shocked by the reception god is home got.

ive been shocked. i dont think its undeserved (im actually pretty up my own ass about my own work, which i refuse to feel shame or apologize for) but it is still unexpected; as my first foray into proper Web Art territory, it really shouldn't have done that well. i mean, 200 notes isn't breaking any grounds, honestly, but it is still kind of incredible for what a small-scale project is. it will, i theorize, reach higher points, too. i suspect one day someone will find it again through pure chance, and it will get another little burst of reblogs, as tends to happen on this website. and thatll be surprising, and, most likely, embarrassing. but i digress.

while i've certainly implied it, i don't think i've ever explicitly stated that god is home is not technically my first online art project. god is home comes from a litany of personal projects. ARG concepts that never went anywhere, personal sites for the perusal of my friends made in an afternoon, countless ideas and concepts shared between discord dms and voice calls. but it is, uniquely, the only one of my works that has been shared publicly, not counting the old ARG that my once-friend-now-enemy created that i caused the spiraling death of. not saying which one, but i doubt anyone would remember it if i did.

that's to say nothing of the countless writing projects i've started and never finished. shoutout to all the half-baked haunted house manuscripts i got several chapters into before giving up on. your memory lives on in my singular success, and your influence will be felt for as long as i am creating.

that influence already lives, though. many of the ideas of unfinished projects crystalized in the story of god is home: haunted houses (and really houses in general, my obsession with them as a literal device so intense that it made me realize i am probably autistic), frayed relationships, failed parenting, living spaces, and the search for God where He cannot be. i've been obsessed with many of these ideas for as long as i can remember, and as such i have been unable to create anything unrelated to them until i could say with certainly that i had something to show for it, some published expression of my love for these themes.

god is home, therefore, has set me free. at least a little bit. i have felt legitimately tied to the narrative of a haunted house, inexplicably connected to it in a way that has felt inescapable. of course, gih does not take that haunting literally, but i feel it's felt in the corners, most prominently in the ending sequence. it is a house haunted by its inhabitants, by their relationship, and, of course, by God, or the lack thereof.

this isn't to say i'm done with haunted houses. i wouldn't want to be. i couldn't be. but i am at least willing to write about something else, now.

but for as personal as god is home is, its also not made for me. i believe i talked about this briefly in the actual website, but i made this with and for my friends. i was helped explicitly by gerry (@graveyardcat7, shoutouts) who did the art, and who also was the only one who "playtested" this thing before i showed it to the larger friend group. that group, those three people (really four, counting myself), are who this was made for. it wasn't for you, unless you're one of them. my audience is nearly singular.

that has made public reception to this both baffling, wonderful, and difficult. i certainly don't want to act like i'm tortured because people (checks notes) liked the thing i made, but it is certainly strange to see something so personal, almost private be largely taken as a piece of Relatable Media. it's meaningful, of course, indescribably so. theres a kind of beauty i didn't expect to knowing people found themselves in an expression of my own thoughts. to everyone who has expressed the importance of this story to them, i thank you.

what makes it even more baffling is that i fully expected myself to be portraying many aspects of this story incorrectly. while it is incredibly personal, it certainly isn't autobiographical. i don't particularly want to go into how, exactly, the story lines up with my life, but i think the most obvious and important is that i actually have very little personal experience with christianity. im not a stranger to it; i have vague memories of going to church, of knowing i was wrong in the eyes of god, in being vaguely uncomfortable with the visages of jesus' crucifixion.

but i am, ultimately, agnostic. an agnostic christian, maybe, but my family barely even celebrates christmas. i was also raised by an explicit atheist for the vast majority of my life, my father leaving the church when i was young. and my parents are some of the most supportive people in my life. they knew i was a girl when i was a kid, and they did everything in their power to make my life comfortable as a trans person (including, notably, talking to the organizers of a pre-school event to try and convince them to let me be tinkerbell instead of peter pan.)

my mother is christian, but she never forced it upon me. my religion was always a choice. and yet, somehow, christianity still got its claws in me, and i still fear hell. funny how that works. chalk it up to america in general, maybe.

a lot of the positive feedback ive received has been about its portrayal of christianity and the struggles of growing up in and around the church. so im glad i got that right. it is something i care about rather deeply, and i worried i had been portraying it borderline fetishisticly, despite my efforts to make it fair.

i worried a lot about what i was portraying, actually. theres this line i had to establish that i wasnt talking out my ass about this stuff, while still not wanting people to speculate about who i am, what my traumas are. i still dont want you speculating, by the way. it happens without meaning to, of course, but... you know. im a person, and to most of you, a stranger.

(shoutout to innuendo studio's and errant signal's videos on the beginners guide. made me fear being analyzed for all time. i watched them both as a kid.)

it's funny, but i feel like, in some aspects, god is home is more representative of the media that shaped me than the events in my life that shaped me. the most obvious inspirations are likely the indie web itself, deltarune, komaedalovemail, and, of course, hypnospace outlaw, a game that has shaped me deeper than i can really express. but the inspirations are innumerable; serial experiments lain probably shaped more of this project than you would ever guess (a fact i only realized after i started playing the psx game this week, hilariously), the album tallahassee by the mountain goats, the fucking chezzkids website, house of leaves, creepypasta, tabletop roleplaying games i played with my friends, jacob geller (particularly his haunted house analysis), several dozen modern art pieces, meow wolf the art collective, the goddamn aids crisis. (the aids crisis isnt media, but still, i can't exactly claim it as personal experience.) there's more, i know there's more, but it's escaping me.

it's an aggregation of things half-remembered. all art is. yet, i still feel some masturbatory urge to catalogue those inspirations. it is, i suspect, a very human urge.

but, ultimately, all of this is just pretext. i should probably get on with actually talking about making the damn thing. i made god is home in a week, largely at a job as a receptionist in a tax office. the work was seasonal, my coworkers deeply religious in the same way i was writing about. i hid my computer screen a lot. (my boss was cool with it, funnily enough.)

often, my best work is done in a fugue state. god is home is most of what i did for that week. i wrote, or i coded, or i looked up coding tutorials. and for a first draft made in a week with very little oversight, i think it's incredible it turned out that well. but... well, it is ultimately a first draft.

there's things i would change. most obviously, i would have an actual password input for that damn puzzle. the honest reason there isn't one is because i couldn't easily google a solution to implementing one. it is my deepest regret, and i hope you can all forgive me for this glaring mistake. i think some of the writing could be cleaner, or sharper, or more evocative. not that i have any interest in going for a second lap. gih is done, and it will remain done for the forseeable future.

...i don't have much else to say on that, honestly. i think my work is good. i think the central relationship is compelling. i think mary and michael are two of my favorite characters i've made, ever. as an author's secret, i totally think they should be t4t. i didn't make them a couple because it wouldn't have worked for the story i was telling, but it remains a sort of headcanon ending for the two of them. not for a while, though. don't take this as word of god, though. whatever you think their relationship is is correct. i'm not your dad.

i'm proud of the way i told their story. i'm glad it ends hopefully. hope is the main thing i wanted out of this story.

that being said, i do have one last thing to say: god is home is not an arg, and it makes me really sad to see people call it that. not a callout if you did that, though. i knew it would happen. its inherent that any media will be, in some way, misinterpreted. misinterpreting is the stuff media analysis is made up of, really.

so... that's the actual retrospective. but i promised i'd talk about what i might work on. so here's that.

i'm planning on making a personal site next, provided i can get the motivation. please note that i've been "planning on making a personal site" since the day gih was released, and so far i have done the following:

made a new neocities account

so it'll probably be a while. but if i ever do, it'll have some new story hidden in the margins. i don't think i have it in me to make a home without a few skeletons in the closet.

as for what that story will be... i have about a hundred different ideas. your guess is as good as mine, but know that it won't be about a house this time. most likely. hopefully.

i do also have plans to do something with unhomes, the sort-of-ARG mentioned in gih. i'm not done with this world, and i know i'll find some way to come back to it. maybe even back to michael and mary, but i make no promises.

alright. that's all i got.

i'm glad i made god is home, ultimately, and i'm glad it got some legitimate appreciation. if you're one of the people who likes it, thats rad. i'm sincerely incredibly appreciative of those of you who got something out of my work.

bye-bye. see you soon, hopefully.

#gih #long post #fair warning: this thing is fairly #stream of consciousness #i guess #rambly #but its honest #at least #bedroom #youre allowed to reblog this if you want by the way #idk if anyone would but like. you can. idc.

[vhvrs]

Hello I'm so sorry to randomly put this in your inbox, but I have some real questions that I'm kind of too scared to ask anyone else?

I think I'm... I think I finally admitted that I might be trans? I think? I've been so terrified of calling myself that, especially out loud, because I've been so scared that I'm accidentally being transphobic when I can't even figure out my own identity? I'm AFAB, and I like having a very pretty "girl" body and even adore hyperfeminine "girl" things. Like, I love girly stuff and dressing like a girl? Is it the looking like a girl I like? But like, something has always felt off and like it wasn't quite right to just be a "she"? It's so hard to explain because for years I was just a girl, using feminine pronouns and everything. But as I've gotten older, I found myself using they/them more and more often, but it's actually in the last week or so that I've started using he/him pronouns officially instead of just in my head. And guess what? It felt amazing doing it! But here's my problem: What is it called when you're AFAB, do still really like very feminine things and "looking/acting like a girl", but want to use he/him pronouns? I'm so scared and confused and I feel so ashamed because I'm scared I'm just CIS with extra steps? Like, I see a lot of posts that say a lot of people are just muddying the waters and making things even harder for other transgender people, and I would never want to hurt anybody like that! I've tried Googling my question several times, each a different way because I was worried I wasn't wording it properly? But all the results I get are mixed and I'm confused what they mean. Am I allowed to be a boy that's... like, likes being a "girl", just not called a girl? Or at least isn't called a girl all the time? Just sometimes when I feel like it? Maybe?

I know this is all some really heavy stuff and I'm so sorry for just dropping this on you, but I really need help and I don't know where else to turn. If you're unable to help, do you know some other resources that I might try to look for? I'm sorry. You just seem so confident in yourself and your art has been really helpful, but I wanted to ask because I was hoping that I could maybe just get, like... even a sliver of what might be wrong with me? As dumb as this sounds, I'm scared of just being CIS (Again, I am so sorry for this long post, this text really got away from me)

hey i appreciate you feeling like i was the person to come to w this off the bat and not to fret about the ask at all bc im abt to overexplain myself right back - ive been in this exact same position actually! i had a long struggle moving from being a girl into being where i am now and where i am now is.... who knows! ive been figuring myself out for like. eight years at this point n i expect to keep figuring myself out even longer. the train of thought youre on reminds ne a LOT of how i felt when i started thinking i wasnt cis though so ill just kindve. dump what has helped me? and you can take what you want from it.

point blank anyone who says its possible for other trans ppl or even just ppl exploring their gender to bring harm back into the community are full of shit. they said this when i thought i was a genderfluid demigirl eight yrs ago. theyll keep saying it. it will continue to not be true. ive had friends who explored their gender identities and realized they were cis and if anything its really healthy for them and the community! its not bad to go thru that.

on topic, i could try to point you towards specific labels or communities but trying to get caught up in those can sometimes just confuse or scare you more - again speaking from experience trying to google just what i was and what i was going thru. especially trying to figure everything out at once.

like i label myself as a bi agender bc its EASY n to have a vague thing to tell ppl or put on pride icons but at the end of the day, im just theo. thats my identity n that could be yours too! when i think abt my bf, im a gay man. when im watching crazy girlies on a show, im a girl. when i want to buy nonbinary merch bc nobody makes agender merch, im nonbinary. im just theo no matter what.

you dont sound cis and thats the most important thing to remember. even if you were somehow cis w extra steps bc thats. not a thing. even if you looked n acted n dressed exactly as you did when you viewed yourself before all of this but FELT you werent that presentation, you wouldnt be cis. you could like... be a girl but a bit to the left and youd be trans.

also, perhaps changing the language you think abt yourself with may help you rule out whats going on? instead of seeing things in a v binary girl things vs boy things way? its hard bc like. gender based society but trying to not see dressing a certain way as being feminine/dressing like a girl and certain pronouns being like. boy/masculine pronouns can really help! if you mean you dont want to bind or you like dresses, then you can do those things in a masc or fem or any way u want - its YOU doing it. if you want those things to be girl things bc it helps, then theyre girl things! if seeing them as boy things helps, then they're boy things!

im sorry if i... didnt really answer your question or help ultimately but i just remember how much wanting definite answers didn't really help me at the time so i dont want to say like. oh youre nonbinary! oh youre genderfluid! oh youre a demigirl! oh youre a he/him girl! being trans is so different for everyone n thats ultimately why you may be struggling to find specific answers.

honestly? id keep doing what youre doing and trying different gender affirming things like you are. something will click as you do and youll come to realizations that, in that space, will help you a lot. perhaps itll be something that changes but it will click eventually.

i literally felt like i was transphobic towards trans men for having he/him in my pronouns for YEARS bc i wasnt Being Male Enough to earn them. but i no longer see myself as needing to be masc to prove i deserve to be called a he. to me, thats as genderless as they/them. shits weird n personal n a bit cringe.

nothings wrong w you for not having things figured out either. you will. i promise.

#also like generally if my art has been helping u i recommend either going thru my trans hc/trans hcs tag #or going backwards thru my art tag bc i very much used my art to figure my gender shit out n it helped immensely #i also encourage anyone who may have something to say to reply or dm bc this is just my perspective as like #someone whos gender REALLY is based off who theyre dating lol. being bisexual is v much a gender for me