#julie: theyre fun people! come hang out with us!

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

“That one time Barnaby broke somebody’s jaw for going a little too far w/ insulting Wally & almost got expelled <3”

Full story please? <3

WITH PLEASURE!

for those who are slightly confused, this is for 'my' modern human au! well. modern-ish!

okay so when they were in freshman year / 9th grade, Barnaby and Wally are soldily Bonded. they are a set, do not separate. they receive a lot of shit for this, because some kids are assholes and that's especially true for 14yr olds. and it's 2006. so Wally and Barnaby get teased/bullied a lot for their closeness. at this point they're kind of used to it. they met early in 7th grade and have been inseparable ever since. most of it slides off of them

but what is Barnaby was having an especially stressful week? one of those weeks were everything is going wrong, nothing is working out. so Barn is at the end of his rope, and then one of the main kids who likes to bother them insults Wally specifically, and badly. like it's some next level So Bad Its Almost Impressive shit. at present Barnaby is walking to his next class with Wally and Poppy. so Barnaby just kind of stops in place, mentally chooses violence, turns, walks up to the kid, and punches him as hard as he can. it knocked the bully out instantly and broke his jaw.

and keep in mind that at this point in time, Barnaby isn't the big strong guy he is later on. he hasn't had his main growth spurt yet. and he still packed enough of a punch to do Damage - which makes him even more intimidating when he Does hit his growth spurt and towers over practically everyone

the pros of this event: Frank and Julie were watching, and Frank respected Barnaby's response so much that he allowed Julie to bring him to hang out with the growing friend group at lunch / asshole kids were less inclined to insult Wally and Barnaby (or his friends) to their faces

cons: Eddie was also watching and was too scared of Barnaby for the rest of their school career to try and talk to him or his friends / Barnaby nearly got expelled but did get suspended, and that's a permanent mark on his record

so the kid goes down, everyone freaks out. Barnaby is still too angry to feel anything other than pissed off vindication. naturally higher Authorities (teachers) come to get the unconscious student to the (i almost said vet) nurse's office, and to bring Barnaby to the principle's office. they call Ms. Beagle and have her come pick him up. Wally has stuck like glue to Barnaby pretty much the whole time, except for when Barnaby was in the office to get chewed out / interrogated. when Ms. Beagle is done w/ her conversation with the principle, she takes Barnaby and Wally home.

there, Barnaby is still worked up, and as "punishment" Ms. Beagle has him do some menial tasks alongside his usual after school chores. Wally tags along, of course, and asks why the hell Barnaby did that. in a nicer Wally way of asking. this is what breaks the camels back. Barnaby just sits down and starts crying, to which Wally is like "oh no. oh fuck. what do i do." cue a solid minute of him just standing and staring in panic before awkwardly sitting next to Barnaby in solidarity.

when they go inside, Ms. Beagle already has Barnaby's favorite dinner whipped up and ready. She gives him a talk where she's essentially says "blah blah blah violence isn't the answer. however, good job for standing up to that kid. he's an asshole and deserved a good wallop." (listen im a firm believer in ms beagle having been a Wild Youth that would have thrown bricks at cops). Moods are lightened, they have a good dinner. The next day or so they need to go have a meeting with the Injured Kid's parents. that's when they find out Barnaby fully broke the kids jaw (he feels a little bad for that) and that the parents are pushing for his expulsion and also juvie. Ms. Beagle manages to whittle down the sentence to a long suspension and then detention for the rest of the year, as well as her paying the kid's hospital bill.

tl;dr Barnaby punches a kid for insulting Wally, gets a new friend out of it, nearly gets expelled, and gains a mostly unfounded Reputation that dissuades most from outright messing with him or his pals

#julie: theyre fun people! come hang out with us! #frank: i dont want any friends other than you #frank: *witnesses The Incident* hm... ill allow it #this is all Important to me #because barnaby isnt violent? hes a laid back guy. & a wordsmith - he doesnt need his fists in order to deal damage #but then for the rest of his highschool career hes The Scary Guy #especially when he hits that growth spurt #i mean! at least it means his friends are messed with less! #but it also means he tries harder to be disarming and Funny. charming! with excellent self control #he had great self control to start with but yk. anxiety over People Talking #it also means hes less inclined to be rebellious of any kind since he doesnt want to push his luck #rambles from the bog #wh modern human au #in the future when eddie is part of the circle he brings up This Incident #theyre all able to laugh about it since its been like... over a decade at that point #but yeah <3 #and barnaby has not punched anyone since! #frank however.... #if there was a fight in their middle/high... he usually was at the center of it. or at least near the center #not that anyone can prove anything! he was very good at not getting caught

[spaceysp]

Saying random stuff to feed into the hyperfixations; pick one of these statements to rant about because I wanna read :)) if u want,

How skeppy must feel with everyone meeting up cause BaD JUST COME ON ,

Opinions on bad planning to take skeppy to dinner and all that jazz ,

Skeppys newest video on the skep channel where bad and skeppy are surprisingly sweet to eachother (and how lately in general bad has been less angee with him) ,

Literally the whole discount skeppy situation , bad being literally in love,

Ride with U,,,,,hetero,,,,explanation,,,, anywhere?

ANONNNNN I OWE YOU MY LIFE ILY 

im literally going to talk about all of these so im sorry but read more at your own risk

one: skeppy, i am so sorry a mf does this to you. but seriously, i can only think of a few reasons (that dont sound entirely made for fanfic) that bad keeps putting off meeting skeppy 

1. (the most unlikely) theyve already met and they keep the bit going so the fans dont find out. i can get that they wouldnt want to tell at first because its their own business, but i seriously doubt they would wait very long to confirm it, because ppl honestly can put a lot of pressure and hype on the meetup (esp with skeppy’s “surprise”) so i think theyd release something just so everyone knew that it finally happened! they didnt lie!

2. bad just doesnt want to meet skeppy (actually nvm this is the most unlikely) 

bad seems to be genuinely excited to meet skeppy, even claiming skeppys the one to keep putting it off, not him (which skeppy immediately disproved but) and saying over and over he wants to meet up with him, but always avoiding actually making plans (every single tweet about the meetup) so its clear he does want to meet skeppy eventually, which makes trying to figure out why he wont even harder

3. its not the right time/ waiting for a specific date

leading up to this, i was thinking that there was a pretty good chance theyd meet up on their anniversary, but that never happened rip. the issue is with this is that they guaranteed they would meet up before the end of the year, and at this point theres only one “event” left, but they still dont seem to have any plans to meet. if bad was waiting for the perfect time to do it, why not just tell skeppy to confirm a meetup date? it would get him (and maybe the fans, if they told them) off his back. another variant of this is that there is a set date, but they havent told the public, but again, skeppy seems to be just as much in the dark about this as everyone else

4. health issues 

bads apparently been feeling pretty under the weather lately, with his arm and kidney stones, its very plausible (and reccomended, imo) that bad doesnt want to travel when hes having these problems. of course, skeppy could visit, but he could either not want to spend their time together sick or the plans they have could also be too straining. i think this is probably one of the most likely atm, go see a doctor bbh im begging you

5. bads nervous

this is also one of the more plausible to me. for whatever reason, bads just anxious about it, whether it wont be the same as talking online, or be super awkward or whatever, he could just keep putting it off for that (its still weird and kinda doesnt make sense but in a more realistic way this time)

i know i totally went off track but this brings me to my point, skeppys kinda just waiting for bads confirmation at this point, so seeing his friends have fun meeting up is probably just lowkey depressing and i could see him using it as more the reason they should meet up. really the only thing he can do in this situation(at least, as far as i can tell) is what he has been doing, annoy bad about it or he take advantage of bads jealousy and meet up with someone else. the other option is to randomly come to his house, but it doesnt seem like skeppy is gonna do that, maybe to respect his boundaries? if he was planning on it i think he wouldve done it by now

OKAY NUMBER TWO LETS GO

this kinda ties into my point in the “reasons why bad wont meet skeppy” thing, that bad seems really excited to meet him yet still wont?? its clear he really values any time spent with skeppy, but he also make sure skeppys having a good time too! that why he never does any actual work with skeppy around (i.e. building statues or gathering materials for such), he knows its boring so instead theyll wander around the server telling stupid stories or punching each other off stairs for 20 minutes. im sure itll be the same irl, he mentioned wanting to meet somewhere like a nature reserve or amusement park, probably to make sure theres never a dull moment or time wasted. dinner seems much more low-key, and i wouldnt be surprised if bad just wanted to have an excuse to try and impress him with a nice totally-platonic date

NUMbeR tHree *airhorns* 

they really do be the best of friends! ive noticed that skeppys def been trying to halt arguments fairly quickly now, saying a lot to appease bad and move on, and while bad seems to like to start fights for fun, hes also been a lot more chill lately, im guessing because hes been oh-so desperately missing skeppy and big s was also in Baby mode (aka if bad disagreed with him hed probably just cry until he got his way((sand))) i think that vid just showed them being a lot more natural and happy to talk (plus bad usually is more argumentative when theyre competing, while in that vid they were either just hanging out or working towards a common goal) 

n u m b e r f o u r 

where to even BEGIN with discount skeppy. well, bad actually first came up this idea a few months ago, in either july or august on an idots smp stream when he crafted an ‘artificial skeppy’ in his snack shack that he could talk to whenever skeppy was gone. as we all know idots smp is now rip, but the idea of replacement skeppys remained, just this time they can talk and also ship skephalo. it actually seemed like more of puffys idea at first when she put on skeppys skin as a joke, which bad didnt like the first few times, but when she brought it up again he actually requested it (missing skeppy brainrot 🤔?) this could be either cuz bad wanted to bait some shippers so gave in or he thought it was a pretty funny bit so went along with it (or he actually missed skeppy that much.. surely not ??) either way i think we can agree puffy is not only a comedic genius but a top tier friend and slight wingman, and getting some good jealous skeppy content out of it is also top tier. in conclusion, love and appreciate discount skeppy, badboyhalo has only skeppy on his brain and his friends have to deal with that, hoes (skeppy) mad even though the whole bit is how much bbh is into him

NUMBER FIVE im really doing all of them

What, can be said, about ride with u. GODDAMN. im not tryna insinuate anything, but if someone told me that song reminded them of me i would have no choice but to marry them immediately. i really really want someone to ask bad what songs remind him of any of his other friends (dream, sapnap, george, ant, puffy, etc.) because there are three options

1. theyre just cool platonic friend songs and bad is just in love with skeppy

2. he cant think of any songs for them and bad is just In Love with skeppy

3. they have equal romantic undertones and bad is just Like That with his friends (even so i bet people would be picking out the most minute differences between the songs that make one more.. You Know than the other) 

i know FOR SURe that if i was in bads position (where even the person who made the lyric video assumed they were gay in love) i wouldve curled into a ball and never made another public appearance again, but he really owned that shit, singing it and making unprompted references to it (”i already have a bonnie” YOU AINT SLICK SIR WTF) 

i just wanna know if skeppys listened to it (i mean, hes surely at least heard of it, i know he wouldve seen it all over his timeline) and what he thonks about it. pls tell us big s do you also feel the love in this chilis tonight (ALSO when is someone gonna ask skeppy what song reminds him of bad. im waiting ((hed probably say something like a faster remix or something equally memey (((unless???)))

ANYWAY SORRY FOR MAKING YOU READ ALL OF THAT HOLY SHIT i dont wanna reread this to check for errors so it might be incoherent but again ty for letting me infodump about this it was super fun im in love with you anon

#tw caps

[miserybegins]

i use my blog like a diary and today i realized i never talked about what happened in my life while i was blog-less from april to august so:

so my blog was suspended right before my 10 year tumblr anniversary with that blog which was april 5th i believe.

on april 6th i flew to san diego to do the 6 california dates of the frank/tbs tour. the tour was so much fun!!! we went to disney for two or three days that we had off from the tour which was a lot of fun. 

the highlight of the tour was the second night in LA because I MET RAY!!!! while tbs was on i saw ray hanging back in the crowd and i couldn’t help myself i had to go say hi so i introduced myself and told him how much the music meant to me, it was really brief cause the show was going on and it was super loud and he was with his wife but he was like the gentlest and nicest man ever....however i had to go chug a 20 dollar beer right afterwards to cope.

we figured gerard and mikey were there as well since they all always go to frank LA shows but im glad i didnt see gerard cause that would just cause a breakdown im a simple man and gerard way makes me cry!

but frank did come talk to us that night, it was the only opportunity i really got on that tour to talk to frank and i hadnt talked to him since last summer when i got really bombed at a tribute show and talked to him while black out drunk which i dont remember. so i had a really good talk with him and i was like i dont know WHY im telling you this but i reminded him how i told him about my alopecia a while back and how mcr had helped me cope with that well while i was in california i tested not wearing a hat to cover my alopecia for the first time and even though it was super scary everyone treated me the same and i did itt! i survived!! so i reminded him how i told him about that and then told him how i had been combatting that on the trip and he seemed so genuinely happy for me he was like that is so awesome and he hi fived me. and it was good i really love frank. oh also i told him we were going to get tattoos in san fransisco and he told us to go to idle hand so

in san fransisco we did go to idle hand to get tattooed! i got a heart on my middle finger and my broken armed boozey that frank drew up for me after i had broken my arm at his show and frank had warned us that they might not be the friendliest people but they were great tattoo artists so we were like scared?? but my guy was so fucking nice and literally hugged me when i tipped him and he thought it was so cool that we were following the tour so idk...good experience.

when i got home from the tour though it was a few weeks until my 25th birthday and i didnt want to live so i went inpatient for almost 2 weeks :( but then i got out and had my birthday and lived i guess lmao

when i went back to work i had like nO MONEY because i spent all of it in california but frank had east coast shows coming up and the release of barriers and i was just like if i dont go i am gonna lose my fucking mind! and my friend convinced me to go to harrisburg and she bought my ticket so i was like yay! amen! this friend is always so good to me i cant explain.

anyway this is my favorite thing. im standing outside the venue talking to my friends before doors and the band walks out the front cause theres only one entrance and theyre going to the bus but frank seens me and walks the other way to come over and shake my hand and tell me it was good to see me ;____; literally rerouted himself to say hi to ME specifically i was like...wah. im baby. i LOVE HIM.

i ended up getting stupid drunk at the show and woke up in the back seat of my car the next morning still parked across from the venue..dont recommend. but im saying this because it is a plot point!

i got in a lot of trouble for going to pennsylvania without telling anyone and not answering any texts or calls when everynoe was still really worried about me but then a couple weekends later there were more shows....the show frank played on a boat and a signing the next day.

so my friends again paid for me to go because they thought it was important for me. which it was. the boat show was fun but i felt so sick because it was on a literal moving boat and i hadnt eaten or slept but i was extremely overcaffeinated....so when we got to the hotel that night i fell asleep for 15 hours straight i was asleep before my friend even got out of the shower and i did NOT wake up.

the signing the next day was really weird for me. they played a few songs which was fine but then to ‘meet’ frank at a signing was super weird cause he and evan were at this table and i just didnt knwo what to say and i felt really awkward and it was a weird shift in dynamic from how i usually talk to them so i feel like i came off as super nervous and then i was liek frank htates me now cause he thinks i am nervous to talk to him...but then my friend was talking to me about it and we realized that it had been a really long time since id talked to frank sober. and it was sad to realize that but also cool that i could make that realization and move forward from it.

so the NEXT weekend i went to the last show which was asbury lanes. saw a lot of pals there. i could have drank but i didnt drink at all and i had the best time....i was amazed by the lighting idk if it was just really good that night or if i hadnt paid any attention cause id always been drunk but it felt really good and i told frank about it after the show!!

but the whole time that all was happening i was like really fucking depressed and i didnt think i was going to even make it home that time. i did make it home but a few days later i tried to kill myself and ended up in inpatient for the whole month of july. :/

when i got out though i made some changes like leavig chipotle and getting a job at hot topic before anyone expected me to go back to work and i also started taking a bio class which is hopefully now going to turn into me doing a surgical tech program starting in the fall!

im still very depressed but im doing better, even i can admit.

if you read this whole thing you are a champ...

#trigger warning for suicide attempt #its not all bad!!!! #i met ray! #mack.txt

[skiasurveys]

439

What’s the second word on the last text message you received? “hold”

Can you count to 20 in another language? Nope lol

Do you know anyone with a missing toe or finger? Nopeee

Where’s the last place you took a bus to? i think the mall? but that was a long tim ago before i had my car

What was the main character called in the last film you watched? anakin lol

Do you prefer rap or punk music? Punk

If you had to colour the world in one colour which one would you pick? Uhhhh Im not sure lol mayve Pink

What would you name your pet snake if you had one? Im not sure...Thats a good question.

What’s the tastiest thing you’ve ever tasted? -

Do you have more dreams or nightmares? Dreams but theyre weird.

Who was the last person you hugged? Connor 

Is there anyone you’re desperate to meet? - Oh yes.

Would you like to scratch somewhere on your body? just did lol

Do you have a favourite piece of jewelry. If so, what? - My rings 

Which store would you go to, to buy a pair of jeans? American eagle i love their jeans

Pick three colours: pine violet pink

What’s the nearest item you can see the same colour as your 1st choice? -uhhh idk

Name a clothing item you have of your second colour choice: -none tbh i don’t wear purple

Have you ever had any of your walls painted in the third colour? - not rly

You turn your iPod/MP3/phone on. What is the first song you listen to? Time Pink Floyd

If you could only have one TV channel which one would you choose? I dont watch tv

Your internet dies for a month, you can only access three websites… which ones do you choose? Twitter, Youtube and FB.

Do you/have you taken photos of your pets? - Of course.

Do you have any fancy dress costumes? If so which ones? - Nope.

Heels or flats? Depends on my mood i like heels but flats are way more practical

Pop bottles or pop cans? - Bottles.

Do you use bags for life? - ??

Have you ever gambled? What was your biggest loss/win? - nope

Have you broken the law in the last 3 days? - I don’t think soooo

How often do you see your ex? - Never

Where were you on July 4th, 2019? - i don’t remember lmao i think my place

What are you excited about? - summer

Do you know anyone who has messed up your life? - Yeppp

Can you recall the last time you sincerely liked someone a lot? - Right nowwwww

Have you ever been given roses? - yeah but i don’t like roses

Can you honestly say that at this point in time you’re happy with the way things are? - not at all but i am happy that i have some coin rn

Have your friends ever randomly stopped by your house? - yeah which is fine but sometimes i’m not in the mood to hang out like if i’m too depressed or anxious

Name something you would NOT tolerate in a relationship? - Hard drug use or cheating

Are you saving up money for anything in particular? - just in general tbh. i want to start saving

Do you have a secret that you’ve never told ANYONE? - i don’t think so tbh i usually tell my closest friends like i night not tell them right away but i will eventually

How much money do you have on you now? - like cash ? i think 30$

Do you have a condom in your room? - nah don’t use condoms

What’s more important to you: good grades or having fun? - good grades. i’m in college and i want to succeed

If your ex calls you up saying he/she still likes you, you say? - I would be confused how he still had my number and also be confused since it’s been 4 years

Could you live without having sex ever (again) in exchange for eternal youth? - no lol

Think of the last person who hurt you do you forgive them? - Yeah

Do you have a best friend that knows you inside and out? - yeah

What’s something you really want right now? - i really good job

Honestly, are things going the way you planned? - no

Is there someone you wish you were still close with? - ehhhh maybe a few friends that i’m not as close to anymore

Do you have any tattoos? - No

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? - yeah but i usually just talk to my boyfriend

If you were in the hospital would your best friend come see you? - yes i would imagine .

Are you old fashioned? - nah

If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? - have a job i love and where i make decent money

You’re a week late for your period, there’s a chance you could be pregnant? - there could be but doubt it If someone called you a bitch would be offended? - depends who said it and what was happening hahaha Would you rather go to California or leave the country? - california is nice Would you rather get pregnant at too young an age or never be able to? - never be able to

What is the last non alcoholic beverage you had? - sprite

Would you ever donate blood? - yeah i would

What’s your favorite place to go in your city and why? - maybe the ponds

What are the best stores in your mall, in your opinion? - i like american eagle but i don’t have the best stores here Is is harder for you to save money or spend money? hmmm save

Do a lot of people bike in your area? - not a whole lot but i see people doing it frequently

Have you ever had sushi? - Yep. i love itttt

#surveys

[mysmedrabbles]

Fourth of July with the RFA

Happy fourth of July to my American followers!! Sorry this was written so quick I got this idea like 5 seconds ago and I have plans for today whoops not the best time.idk why jumins is always the longest tf?

!!!Said RFA member and mc are in America for summer holidays with an American MC!!!

Enjoy!~

-mod alex

______________________________________________

Jumin

-when you told him you were planning a party for the fourth he got excited

-mainly bc he knows how classy most of your parties turn out

-when he shows up to a barbecue grill out with tiki torches, too much beer, something called a “sloppy joe” and 99 cent store American flag streamers he’s more than confused and slightly appalled

-also because hes literally wearing his best suit to a backyard bash

-finds a way to look more casual (you know, taking off the jacket, rolling up his sleeves, no tie, shirt slightly unbuttoned, aaaand now im nosebleeding)

-at first doesnt understand why the heCK there are sloppy joes its a mystery to us all

- is his normal charming self with your relatives you better watch out, that pervy cousin is making eyes at jumin

-makes a speech about american independence bc hes an extra lil shit and ends it with, “so therefore, if the british had never given america independence...i wouldve never met the love of my life. Happy fourth of july.”

-everyones drunk tho so no one really heard that but you and the one overemotional 4′5 aunt who cries at everything

-sitting on the grass and watching the fireworks show

-him putting his jacket around you when you get cold, you just leaning your head on his shoulder as he kisses the top of your head

-he doesnt understand sloppy joes but likes spending time with your family

Jaehee

-vaguely knows what its about

-buys you red white and blue flowers

-you guys go with your family to a local festival

-going on a merry go round together? you betcha

-going on a ferris wheel? ofc. kissing her every time the ferris wheel booth you guys are in goes up bc shes mildly scared of heights? y e s

-you guys eat some of the weirdest things, like fried butter? bacon and maple donuts? sloppy joes? fried cotton candy?

-playing the expensive festival games that are obviously rigged

-little did they know that baehee had prepared for this moment by practicing devil tricks with multiple youtube videos lmao

-she wins you a small stuffed panda and you cherish it forever

-walking around with her, hand in hand around the festival

-getting red white and blue streaks painted on your guys’ face

-kissing under the fireworks

Yoosung

-is so excited for this holiday

-i mean he loves all holidays but hes never experienced the horror fun of an American holiday

-you guys buy some wacky red white and blue sunglasses with “Fourth of July” written on top as well as those obnoxiously tall fluffy America flag hats (yall know what im going on about)

-”look honey! a fourth of july sale!” “yoosung, love, its the fourth Walmart we've passed they all have sales”

-trying various themed recipes together (granted since youre here for holiday and are at your parents, your younger sibling often intervenes)

-"moooooommm mc and her boyfriend are kissing in the kitchen againnnnn"

-him back-hugging you as you stir fry some shit idk cooking lingo all I eat is doritos and ramen

-kissing your shoulder as you finish making the decor on the America themed cake

-him getting along great with your family and fitting right in

-it seems so natural, how easily he smiles and cracks jokes with your parents

-wants to help with the barbeque but thats your thing to do and you will stand by that

-him buying you roses

-both of you guys playing tag with your younger siblings and cousins you guys lost

-when the fireworks start he probably yells out a scream from shock

-flinches every time one of them goes off so you guys go inside and move the couch so that youre still facing outside but the door is shut so no noise

-making out when it gets dark

-he tastes like cake and strawberries

-with the fireworks in the back y'all look like youre in a disney movie

Seven

-stay in watching documentaries on the revolutionary war

-you guys just mute it at one point and he starts doing silly voice overs for the show

- “I’m mad at some dudes so I’ll lift up my hat at you while I row away with these big guns and all your husbands and sons hrrrrrr”

-eating red white and blue candy and drinking an inhumane amount of Dr.Pepper

-you drag him outside to the park to watch fireworks that the neighbors are throwing

- “look theres one!!” “ah did you see that one??” “that one was so pretty!” “damn you just missed a really big one”

-you guys would hang out in the park until three am just enjoying each others company

-yall would probably go on the kids playground and goof off, playing on the swings, going down the like,,, three foot long slide, just being little kids

-any holiday is the best holiday with him

Zen

-he sings the star spangled banner 😂

-he's got an amazing voice but youre p aure hes holding the last note just to show off

-you guys buy matching tshirts that say "sloppy joes come and get some this is AmErICa" with a picture of childish gambino dabbing bet you wished it said smtn abt sloppy joes now huh

-going down to the beach for the day

-getting one of those giant donut rafts and just chillin together y'all better hope you aint on the west coast w one of those

-a tickle war breaks out, resulting in you falling off the raft

-zen dramatically "saving you" its like 6ft of water people cmon

-him giving you mouth to mouth cpr even tho you dont need it so basically y'all are just making out

-going to a local restaurant for sloppy joes burgers and fries

-new drinking game: every time I say sloppy joes , take a drink

-going on the boardwalk at sunset and watching the fireworks from the cruise ships

-he cant stop staring at how gorgeous you look, staring at the fireworks like theyre magic

-cant help himself from kissing you

-late night pretzels

#mystic messenger #mystic messenger reaction #mysme #mysmes #mysme jumin #mysme jaehee #mysme yoosung #mysme 707 #mysme zen #jumin han #jaehee kang #yoosung kim #saeyoung choi #seven #707 #hyun ryu #holiday #rfa #rfa members #fourth of july #america

[dwightkschrute]

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

#2018 #OMFG MESSSSS of a year.. #and i acted so embarrassingly sigh but that was 2018

[headclaus]

July 29/2018

Class: dream

Me and two friends are going to go to my hometown victoria which is a small city near a harbour and the Pacific ocean.

I arrive to the downtown core and read the text saying what everyone's tasks are. My friends are buying candy and I have to buy playing cards.

I go into some store like a staples and look at the card section which is like a pillar. There's cards attached to hooks can buy separately and good for fridge but not what I need, which is kind of annoying and they have singles for sale. I turn the cards around to see the face cards and each of them is something like a king or jack and their face look more silly than usual, and each unique. I look at the top and see two packs of regular playing cards left. The store clerk says one is 8;95 and the other is 2.95, so I take the cheaper one.

Around that same section I notice there is some card art for sale that you can hang that has scribbles of my character on them. They look like they're drawn by soemone else and each card has a different character. At first they're in black and white but I look again and they're in colour.

I could ask someone who decided to sell these but it's ok.

Well one of my friends arrive and we go to a room with a filing cabinet and a window to sit down. Outside the window can see water and it must be something like midnight.

We notice that it got very quiet and the store must be closed but there is no employees left

Do we have to wait until the next employee comes in again? We could try to leave through the front door but the alarm would go off and if it's locked that would be bad.

We notice in the sky outside these big golden shapes forming and playing in the sky, it's some aliens in their UFOs making holograms; I know because I have seen this exact formation before. It look like making specific pictures in the sky but not like any object or picture we have similar on earth. Then another one appears and it has these small flower shapes around it's hologram but the image it's making is looking like some kind of bipedal goat figure or something. It only has a neon multicolour lining but it's not filled in so it's mostly can see black. I think that's another community of aliens not related but trying to have fun or be of benevolence to the first UFOs making the golden shapes.

I can't actually see any flying objects only these projections so I'm assuming theyre hidden. I say "welcome to my hometown" to my friend in a sarcastic way. I think aliens here are normal now.

Well time is passing and my friend says they're getting hungry. Uh, I guess we should just try to find another way out.

Then I see a person appear and then another. It's 3am but the first employees arrive this early. They don't seem to even care we got locked in but we leave normally, or so thought since now on the roof of a very tall building something like 24 floors. Despite it being 3am it's already getting quite light outside as well (I hate summer).

A lady is conducting an interview with us for a job we don't really even want. She says there is 45 dollars missing from sales and with our help we can make that back. I can't see my friend anywhere so I guess they escaped somehow. I am trying to get to the only exit but it's not attached to the building and I'm very afraid of heights. I'm trying to open the door but the middle of my body is suspended between the two and feel im going to fall

So I'm crying to my friend for help; though I eventually just get it open and jump into it.

On the first floor I see people huddling around somethign and sounds of cars coming. I'm trying to see if my friend's body is on the ground which would really suck because that's a very scary way to die. But I don't see anything there. I also don't get text from that friend again.

#dream #log #ufo #aliens #lights #playing cards #heights

[eludum-a]

(scheduled to post this around noon on thursday my time.)

as we head into this (american) thanksgiving, a lot of us are gonna be dealing with some Grade A Bullshit: retail work, bigoted relatives, etc. i wasn’t actually gonna do this originally, but then i realized what holiday was coming up right around the time of my blogiversary and i was like... welp. alright. guess we’re doing this then. things lined up too perfectly NOT to, and things can be kinda shitty for people around this time of year, so let’s put a little positivity back into the community! or something like that.

(yes i realize some of the people here are not american. no reason to deny my love tho.)

anyway, onto the callouts!

@ultimatetalentless have i talked about how much i love sin’s hinut lately? his and nanami’s friendship/rivalry (and his and chibot’s unresolved romantic tension) is so much fun to write and it’s so great having an Angst Partner to shoot terrible ideas at. on top of that i love talking to sin out of character and sharing some of the things we come across that remind each other of our muses. 

@mideoku​ julie followed me and the following day, snakes started manifesting physically in my house. i get no peace from them. they follow me home every day and beat me down with a two by four while yelling down with cis. but if we’re being real here julie’s shitposting lights up my dashboard every day for better or worse and theyre actually a really cool person. we’ll fight in pokemon when u catch up to me binch

@steinways​ sarah’s one of my oldest mutuals from all the way back when she just had her mahiru and i?? love sarah?? she’s such a sweetheart and all of her characterizations are so absolutely stellar. 10/10 would sarah again and also she made my theme so. yknow. amazing all around

@ongakuvoices rio’s a special brilliant soul w so much love for their muses and it shows in everything they write... i adore both their ibuki and their nagisa to pieces!! i know theyre gonna go places in life and ill be over here cheering them on from the sidelines, probably holding up some signs with memes on them

@jrco-disd actually i hate seth. nevermind. i’m not doing this

@nullverum​ boss was like one of the first ndrv3 blogs i interacted with long before the game had its official english release. i remember i made a post a while before saying that i thought ouma/nami would be a strange but cute brotp and hell! i was absolutely right in every way. its even funnier upon finding out ou/ma kind of plays the na/nami role just as much as the ko/maeda role in actuality (he’s gotta do both since a CERTAIN SOMEONE gets fridged at the beginning), so they’re surprisingly good (bad, actually) for each other. 

@ayatsurii sparkle’s peko is great ok? best sword girlfriend, would shower her in love and affection and cute things. nanami apparently has a thing for taller, stoic individuals with red eyes who could kick her ass one-handed. (don’t we all tho??) ahem. anyway. would recommend sparkle’s pekpek.

@kibouzuru i know we were mutuals for a while before i got involved with truth syndicate stuff? i feel silly not having interacted with u before because i rly should have. im really glad i got a chance to bc u and ur egg are cool (well, naegi’s a total dork) and now i can have nanami tease leggy and eggy about their relationship. she’s gotta get back at hinata for all those years of short jokes somehow, too bad naegi’s just collateral

@hikaup i remember i was on the lookout for pokemon blogs a while back and i stumbled across ur blog and was like... what the heck, this hikari seems way too cool... and wow!! i was totally right!! i love ur portrayal so much it’s such good shit and chiaki and hikari already have such a good dynamic. i hope chiaki gets to do Spooky Shit with hikari someday (and maybe even hold hands???? lets not get ahead of ourselves here) btw i get whiplash from how often u put out amazing themes

@kibcu

and yes, im gonna be at your basketball game tomorrow. stop telling me about it

@cantalazarus u know how i feel about u. ur smart and funny and talented and ur take on ur muses is So Good and 

@malchancevilain​ watchy is another one of my oldest mutuals and its always great to see their togami on my dash! we’ve been in a few group verses together now and i love seeing how he handles different situations (always with a great degree of salt) and just hanging out ooc! also: greg grimaldis wherever you are you better believe im getting those fifteen dollars back *mic drop*

@seineijashu​ oh.

hey nerd. we havent rly spoken much in a while but im still out here 100% in ur corner and i love everything u do. i know i dont know like anything about Boruto’s Dad like i said (im more a hunter x hunter guy myself,,,) but even if roleplaying opportunities are scarce im still totally down to talk like any time. now if only our time zones would line up. ps theres a secret message hidden here did you see it

@hopefromtheordinary​ it’s so great to see you back in the dr rpc! i loved your komaeda and your kamukura way back when. i love the twin shenanigans you and sin get up to (serious or crack) and i really can’t wait to get more chibot/kamukura stuff going! im excited i hope ur excited too

@gamblingqueen ANOTHER person i’m so glad to see back over here!! u were one of the first people to rly plot with me to any extent ooc and i am very excited to get right back into it! chiaki and celes are such an odd pair, but it’s wonderful to see them interact after they’ve both been brought so low. im over here rubbing my hands together at the speed of light in anticipation

@mxssias if naegi tries to get nanami to watch sword art online with him one more time shes gonna kill him and hide the body in the reserve course grounds. ahem. anyway. alex you’re such a little shit but you’re funny and i love your egg boy even if he’s constantly getting himself into trouble and sacrificing himself like he doesnt have anything better to do. get that boy a better hobby? thanks

and sorry if i forgot anybody! doing these is kind of exhausting for me and i might have gotten a little lazy, but i tried to hit most of the people i’ve been in contact with ooc at least a bit (who have been active within the past week or so).

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@jrco-disd ok fine fuck you. seth was one of the first people in the fandom to reach out to me and even if he’s often belligerent at me for no good reason (ok, fine, maybe i deserve it) i still really appreciate his friendship and am glad that we can exchange shitty sonic memes with each other. the day we get that sonic forces monster factory is the day we both can die happy, probably after strangling each other

#jnfbhjng i hate how in some of these i talk abt them like theyre not the ones reading this #and in others i address them directly #but im not rewriting this now!! take it or leave it!! #[welcome to my christian minecraft server // ooc] #follow forever

[cooperroose]

♥: a valentine’s day headcanon: being a catcher means coop’s gotta be down there earlier than everyone else for spring training, so he’s in full phillies mode. during the season he’s so focused on baseball that it’s hard for him to pull together a romantic plan for the two of them. he pulled it off last year, but it was the first time in a long time they got to do something together. and it was also the last time before their break up they truly felt like themselves, at least in ginnys mind. she’s taking their relationship more seriously now, they’re engaged after all, and she’s not going to expect him to worry about putting something together. he probably apologizes a million times and thanks her for being so understanding, and he says he’ll have a break a few days after the holiday so he’ll try and make it up to her then. gin’s gonna surprise him instead though, fly down to see him practicing and doing his thing, then take him back to the hotel and just cook something for him, because she knows he’d want that over a night out. sappy sappy. ♣: an april fool’s day headcanon: they don’t pull huge pranks on each other, it’s always little fun things that aren’t too big of a deal. ginny probably tries so hard to come up with stuff to try and get him with, but he always knows and she haaates it. it’s because she’s a bad liar and she gets too giggly and even if she’s trying so hard to hide it anyone else would fall for it, he knows that smile and can tell something’s coming. it takes a couple years, but after awhile he’s gonna let her think she pulled one over on him just because she’s adorable when she thinks she has. ✞: an easter headcanon: they’re very cute for easter, church clothes and pastels and family family family. they’ll treat easter just like the other big holidays and trade off, one in iowa, one in tennesse until they have the kids and want to start traditions of their own. once they do have the opportunity for that, i think they’ll stay in their home in philly. they still go to back home with the twins for thanksgiving and christmas, but they decided to make this holiday all their own. ava loooves easter, she like the easter bunny even more than she likes santa (because bunnies are cute), and all the pretty colors that come with it. kepler likes hunting down the eggs and finding more than ava does, especially if they’re ones with money. (it’s like a dollar in each one, and there’s not even that many of those, but for kids it’s exciting.) once noah’s old enough to join in on the fun too, he’s all about the candy. it probably takes him weeks to get through his stash, because he can’t stand to part with his chocolate bunnies yet. a bite a day, that’s it. ✿: a mother’s/father’s day headcanon: ginny’s first mothers day after caroline passes is extra brutal. it’s probably been a good amount of time, but not long enough for her not to be crushed. caroline hung on for christmas, even when the doctors didn’t think she would, but didn’t make it to the new year. by the time may comes along, she’s had time to grieve and get back to normal, and then it hits her again like a ton of bricks. she’s probably pregnant too, which makes matters that much worse. she’ll tear up in the bedroom with coop, holding his hand, and tell him that caroline knew she’d have another boy, she could feel it. and now that’s she’s pregnant again and they just found out the sex, she hates that she can’t call her up and tell her she was right. the kids will pick up on it, they’re ready to run in the room and surprise her with gifts, but when they do they see gin wiping her eyes and trying to clear her throat. She’ll tell them how much she loves them, and that she’s just missing her mom today, and she wishes she could run in her room and hug her too. They decide to have Caroline’s favorites that day, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Big meals, lots of sides, just the way she would’ve liked it to be. ★: a fourth of july headcanon: one year they make a MISTAKE and decide they should have a big blowout at their house in iowa. gin flies her friends in, steven and britt and their kids, andrea, freddie, and theirs and it’s nuuuuts. there’s a lot of kids running around. from britt’s oldest to baby noah and it’s insanity. dylan and ian come too, of course. and addison knows what’s good for her so she avoids it. dylans gonna be out in the backyard, showing all the kids the fireworks he scored, and that’s when the regret sets in. before this the twins were happy just playing with their sparklers, but now he’s got them interested in all this other shit and gin is NERVOUS. britt and andrea are calm, as usual, because their kids are older and they used to get into bottle rockets and stuff like that when they were young too. there are a lot of adults around. the kids will be fine. they say this before dylan hands all the little ones those little popper ones you can throw at the ground, and all the little boys do it at their feet and have them hopping around. coops grilling hot dogs and hamburgers, he’s got some ribs going on there too it’s a good time. until elijah, who’s like eleven, makes the mistake of going to check out why the firework he set didn’t go off. he does that stupid thing they tell you not to do and tries to pick one up, and that’s when it decides to go off. it’s a small one, so it didn’t blow his hand off or anything. but it was big enough to burn the shit out of it and land them all in the local hospital for the rest of the holiday. ☠: a halloween headcanon: kepler gets himself into trouuuuble one year. you know how teenagers like to get into shit during halloween and the day before, kepler plays himself. he’s probably like 13, so noah is still young enough to be into trick or treating, he’s nine or so, and ready to run around as chef boyardee. but the twins want to go out with their friends cause all the other kids get to, they’re not into trick or treating anymore~ coop and gin are fine with that, it was only a matter of time. so gin goes out with noah, and coop takes the twins to their friends houses. ava just wants to have a slumber party with hers, watch scary movies in someones basement and stay up late. she’s being good. but kepler’s started to hanging out with some rowdy boys, that don’t do enough to get into trouble usually, but gin is still keeping a watchful eye. they put their feet on the furniture when theyre over and they try to call coop by his first name, so they’re not fans. kepler insists he wants to ride his bike, and there’s nothing to worry about, he’s just going down the street and that’s all. dad doesn’t have to drive. coop lets him, and regrets it later. because of course teenage boys want to ride around and egg peoples houses. kepler tries to tell them they should use pumpkin guts instead, to keep with the halloween theme, bc he’s ginny’s son. and they’re like...so here’s the eggs. they get caught bc kids are dumb, probably at like the first house too. they’re loud and laughing and PEOPLE ARE TRICK OR TREATING, so them trying to ride off and pick a house with ‘jerks who dont give out free candy’ is a bad idea when someone can walk by at any minute. the cops get called, and ten minutes later there’s one knocking on coops door with kepler in front of him. needless to say it wasn’t a good holiday season for kepler that year. ✈: a thanksgiving headcanon: ginny’s really pumped because she wants to host thanksgiving this year, her first year. in her home with her husband, and their adorable pair of toddlers, and she’s just ready for life. they’re supposed to go to the riley’s this year, so ginny makes sure to talk to mama riley about wanting to host and making sure that’s okay with her, and of course she’s happy to let gin take the reigns, as long as they’re invited of course. ginny’s like !!!! on the top of the world. but everything starts to go wrong the closer it gets to the date. caroline’s feeling really sick lately, so her and wiley decide it’s best if they just stay in tn and don’t try to make the trip out. ginny’s sad, but she understands. coop’s dad is stuck having to work. so she’s like, o...kay, 1 out of 4 parents, that’s okay. she’s taking it in stride it’s fine. kepler chose now to take one of her pans and a pot to try and mold play doh in or some destructive kid shit and she’s like ???? seriously SERIOUSLY. it’s okay. we can buy more pans, coopey bear go get more pans. so he does. peyton will call and tell coop she’s decided to have a holiday in paree~ with her fuckass bf named francois or something annoying and coop wants to kick his ass in general so he definitely wants to now. and it wouldn’t have been so much of a loss, if it wasn’t the year addison trevor and zach were going to celebrate at trev’s family’s house. gins like highkey losing her mind, everyone’s cancelling it’s because it’s her dinner this would never happen to his mom and she’s just not having life. and coop’s like that’s kinda true, but duh he keeps that to himself. gin’s gonna cry if her first thanksgiving is just mama riley goop the twins and bb mel so he’s like gotta call in some back up guests lmao trash. he doesnt call down to tn bc they have their own fam shit, so he’ll call johnny and his girl he’s been dating for like 9 years and still isnt married to. lexi?? i think maybe i didn’t name her but that’s whats on my list so. and asks them what they’re doing for thanksgiving, they were just gonna eat chinese food like they usually do but he’s like yeah no come to iowa. gin and lexi are probs good friends by now, watching their boys play and going to all the wife stuff together. then he calls greggemiah and gregg answers singing kokomo bc theyre set to go on a cruise~ and coops like yeah thats not for a couple days after thanksgiving right. and they’re like yes but we’re packing and we have to do this and this and he’ll cut them off and be like you’re coming to iowa, they’re like ...ew, but ok. coops his charming convincing self and gregg still has his little crush so he can’t say no. jeremiah is like, i’d kill you if he wasn’t so dreamy. i’d say yes too. super long story short, coop gets ian and his preg wife to come too. and they have a cute half family/half friends holiday and ginny is satisfied and proud of herself for pulling it off. but she also dropped a pie during the day BUT THEY SURVIVED. ❅: a christmas headcanon: i’ll say this is christmas after that hell of a thanksgiving, caroline still isn’t doing so hot and even though it was supposed to be their turn for christmas wiley tells ginny her, coop, and the kids should stay up in iowa again. caroline’s not ready for people to see her, she’s probably losing her hair and stuff it’s not a good time for her. gin’s like :( give her my love all that cute stuff. she wants to be there, but she knows if she were in that position she wouldn’t want a lot of people seeing her either. they still send gifts down and wiley tells her to bring the kids down next month and they’ll have their own little holiday. mama riley is ECSTATIC cause she was lowkey sad about not getting to host her thanksgiving, but gin let her help a lot so she was content. she’s also happy to have all the kids in their matching jammies. peytons bitchass thought she was gonna have some dumbass french holiday for christmas too but that got shut down real quick, all her kids are gonna be there. trevor and gin included. francois is on the family shit list, papa riley and coop glare at him the whole time he’s there. and he says weird french shit and kisses all the girls on their cheeks and they’re too ALL AMERICAN JOHN MELLENCAMP for this shit. bby mel shows up with her “best friend” and “roommate” natalie, because mama riley was so cool with greggemiah she thought this would be a good time for the fam to meet her “best friend” and “roommate” natalie. guess what. it’s not. parents are oblivious so they won’t think anything of it, but it’ll be like christmas eve festivities when they’re all like omg and they’ll have a sibling meeting. they’ll all be on their annoying caroling escapade when the four of them will go off, and they’ll drag trevor and gin with them. addison will be like, francois can’t be apart of this, you’re not married. and coop will be like, plus we hate that guy. peytons like ugh, but she’ll be like. at least i’m not the one with the worst significant other anymore. mel’s gonna give dad a heart attack. gins like omg, trevs like omg, coops like dont listen to her dad isn’t gonna have a heart attack. addison will go, yeah i think it’ll be mom. and mel has like horror in her eyes lmao. addison will be like, it’s a joke i’m kidding. they’ll be fine, it’s not like it’s a shock. trev and gin are shoked, peytons shocked, mostly its just coop and addison that aren’t. coop’s like i found out like seven years ago so, i just didnt say anything. addisons like and it wasn’t like you were hiding it well mel. mel is dying inside, she was like abort mission the second she invited her gal pal but she was in too deep by that time. she’s like. i messed up, this was a mistake, they’re gonna hate me omg, i’m surprised YOU GUYS DONT HATE ME. like she flips out. and addison and coop try to chill her out but shes like YOU GUYS CANT TALK WITH YOUR STUPID COOKIE CUTTER SPOUSES and gin and trev are both like aw but also hey! mel will say something about how dad doesnt even like francois bc hes FRENCH. and coops like, at least nat’s from here. isn’t she from north dakota. and addison will be like, i didnt even think they let you be gay in north dakota. and coops like, that’s probably why she moved to chicago. and mels like OH MY GOD SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUUPPP. fix it, do something. distract them, ginny tell them you’re pregnant again. PEY TELL THEM YOU’RE ENGAGED. someone do something i’m gonna die. it’s probably snowing, they left the two significant others least in the fam with their parents and the kids singing at some strangers house. classic family hijinks. i talked too much about this ☄:  a new years eve/day headcanon: by the time goop has all three kids, they’re lucky if they can make it to midnight on new years eve, honestly. when they’re babies theres not a chance, goop passes out at ten and the kids wake them up 3 hours later. that’s when they get to celebrate. but when the twins are like 7 and noahs 3 they’ve got this. they all get together on the couch and they’ll watch movies and play board games, and ring in the new year the way they intend to spend the rest of it. they’ve got old dog cubby with them, curled in a ball on his bed, noahs playing with some blocks and stuff, like the big block legos, and the twins and gin and coop are playing their game together. gin has noah right next to her, and he goes mommy looook, every so often. but that’s not gonna help anyone beat her in clue. kepler claims mommy cheats because she always wins so they want to play TROUBLE and SORRY so they can get her back. they’re so excited to stay up late, but they’re still too little to make it to see the ball drop. no matter how many sugary foods gin and coop let them have this ooone time. so they’ll knock out on the couch, and noah’s probs in gins lap by now, knocked out too. coop and gin will get emotional and sappy about how perfect their life is, and how it’s just like they always dreamed. if they could go back in time they wouldn’t change a thing. theyre both sitting on the floor with like their backs against the couch, gin has her head resting on coops shoulder “resting her eyes” because shes a little sleepy herself. she’ll doze off because its gin and shes even worse about falling asleep once shes running around as a full time mom. coop will stay up, smiling at his perfect family, and pet cubbys head. the ONLY ONE to be up with him. gin will be out for like 25 minutes or so, not too long, and he’ll nudge her awake so they can wake up the kids because the balls gonna drop and they want them to get to see it. they have the little party horns you blow into, and noisemakers, and theyre def all wearing those cheesy fake plastic top hats and glasses with the year number on it. and once it strikes twelve the kids are gonna be jumping up and down throwing streamers in the air celebrating as if they werent knocked out five minutes before. then it’s real bed time, gin will carry up noah and coop will carry up the twins and they’ll all be sleepy again the second theyre down in the bed. cutie babies.

#meme #love me #ignore typos #i expect to get texts about all of this

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Mother’s Day Gift Guide: Gifts For The Regular Mom, The Cool Mom & Everyone In Between

What greater holiday is there than a day that celebrates the strong, beautiful women who raised us? Go ahead, try to think of one, Ill wait. 4th of July you say? Okay. Anyway, Mothers Day really does serve as a reminder that we should be really really nice to all the moms in our lives because we too may be mothers some day and we dont want a bitchy daughter who doesnt appreciate us.  So its good karma to get them a gift, right?  A betchs mom is the most important lady in her life. Shes given us endless words of wisdom on fuckboys, shes reluctantly allowed us to borrow steal her clothes, and she always picked us up from school when we were feeling sick.  Shes molded us into the betch we are today, and for that we are forever grateful.  To show her how much you love her, were giving you a list of all our favorite brands/gift ideas that are perfect for every type of mom in your life. Welcome to the Betches Mother’s Day Gift Guide 2017.

FOR THE MOM WHO STILL GRABS CANDY FOR HERSELF AT THE CHECKOUT COUNTER

Hats off to this mom, she still answers to her sugar cravings and DGAF. Elevate her candy standards with Sugarfinas Sweetest Mom Candy Bento Box and watch it disappear within 20 minutes of her opening it. If shes into the juicing craze like any betchy mom, feel free to gift her a bottle of Pressed Juicery x Sugarfinas green juice gummy bears. Its the perfect candy she can eat while convincing herself that shes healthy AF. These are the chicest and yummiest candies ever, and Im sure this mom wont mind if you steal a few for yourselfmaybe

FOR THE ZEN AF MOM YOU CAN ALWAYS VENT TO

This mom is amazing because she has the patience to listen to us talk shit about irrelevant shit for hours and somehow make us feel 10 times better in the end. Philosophy is a fave brand of ours, not just because of their amazing products, but also because of their values. Its the wellness brand version of the mom who always sends you inspirational articles and makes sure you never leave the house without food in your stomach. To reward this woman for putting up with your crazy ass, give her the Moments of Grace boxthe perfect set of shower, fragrance, and moisturizing products.

FOR THE MOM WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A HOUSE A HOME (AND WONT LET YOU EAT ON THE COUCH)

This mom might have come off as a little strict and slightly neurotic due to her strict house rules you lived under as a young betch, but you now understand it was all worth it for the image of a perfect home. Shes classy, shes elegant, and shes not afraid to tell you to fuck off when you deserve it. Giving her a Venus Et Fleur box is not just giving her clich flowers for Mothers Day, its giving her a centerpiece for her precious home. These are the most beautiful flowers and they last for an entire year. There are several colors to choose from so you can def find one to match the living room couch. PS, theyre having a pop-up shop at Saks specifically for Mothers Day, so go with your siblings and get her the most Instagrammable flowers ever.

FOR THE MOM WHO WANTS TO BE INA GARTENS BEST FRIEND

This mom spends half her life watching the Food Network and the other half begging her husband to agree to redoing the kitchen. As such, she takes great pride in all her kitchen essentials, and each time you come home theres a new blender or toaster. Although you have barely any space for a wooden spoon in your apartments kitchen and deem it acceptable to microwave water for your tea, this mom would rather be caught dead than without at least 25 different spatula options. Cuisinart is the perfect place to find the best and newest kitchen products that this mom will die over, like the QuicKettle and the PrepExpress. If you get her any of their products, I foresee massive amounts of free food in your future.

FOR THE MOM WHOS NOT AFRAID TO BLACK OUT AT FAMILY DINNERS

This mom is always invited to hang with you and your friends whenever shes in town. As a betch who can single-handedly create a party out of thin air, her Mothers Day gift needs to suit her hostess needs. Kim Crawford Wine is the perfect bottle to whip out on any given occasion, and with summer around the corner, it is officially ros season. Their website has tons of amazing recipes, including fros, sothis mom will def exploit a bottle of Kim Crawford ros for all its worth. If she also happens to be an Insta whore, were sorry in advance.

FOR THE MOM WHO GIFTED YOU YOUR WITTY SENSE OF HUMOR

This mom has passed on her good genes of having no filter and always has the entire family in tears at Thanksgiving dinner (like, the good kind). We were always afraid of what kind of backhanded bitchy comment she might make at our frenemies when we were younger, but we loved her anyway and secretly enjoyed it. If shes begging you not to get her anything this year, at least get her the perfect card from Shop Betches.

FOR THE MOM WHOS PUTTING OFF BOTOX FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE

This mom has had perfect skin her entire life and is now in overdrive doing everything she can to keep it that way.  Washing her face isnt just something she does a couple times a day, its now an insane obsession. To make sure this mom is getting the most out of her incessant face cleansing, get her the Soniclear brush from Michael Todd Beauty. The antimicrobial brush stays cleaner and fresher for longer, and cleans deep into your pores.  Lets be real, youre probs going to get one for yourself as well. Also, since shes probs big into blending, you should get her the Sonicblend brush to apply her makeup flawlessly.

FOR THE MOM WHO WON’T LET YOU ANYWHERE NEAR HER KITCHEN

This mom has a panic attack whenever there’s too many people in the kitchen (which for the most part means if there’s anyone in there besides her). She’s a firm believer in “a place for everything and everything in its place”, which as a betch you can only relate to on the level of your apartment’s bar cart.  Joseph Joseph has the perfect modern organizational kitchen shit that will perfectly encourage this mom’s obsessive compulsive habits, but at least the kitchen will look sleek AF so who cares. We love their Nesting Bowl Sets and their super chic Worktop Savers.

FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS FALLS ASLEEP WITH HER IPAD ON HER FACE

This mom can’t get enough of her Facebook feed and loves to send you videos of dogs at all hours of the night. She probably thinks she’s squinting at all her screens because she’s old, but really it’s because no ones eyes should not be staring at this shit all day. Felix Gray glasses are v trendy-looking and protect your eyes from the blue light emitted from all our electronics’ screens, so mom won’t have to fight through the headaches to continue scrolling through Insta anymore. Our offices fan favorites are the Turing and Nash frames.

FOR THE MOM WHO JUICED BEFORE IT WAS COOL

This mom has been a juice drinking yoga freak since before you were born, and she’s always looking for new ways to show the world that she’s healthier and has more of her shit together than anyone else. Daily Harvest delivers fresh soups, smoothies, chia parfaits and overnight oats to your door on your schedule. This way, mom can get her fav smoothies delivered at 3pm just in time for her to consume before her 5pm spin class. If you didn’t think eating healthy could be convenient, neither did we, but here we are.

FOR THE MOM WHO HAS EVERYTHING YOU NEVER KNEW YOU NEEDED

This mom may seem like a hoarder, but in reality she’s just a collector of random shit that will impress people. Totally different. Also, we are not ones to talk about hoarding as evidenced by our closets. Anyway, Tovolo is the perfect place to shop for this mom because while it’s super fun for us to look through all the fun kitchen gadgets they have, it will be that much more fun for her because she’ll know exactly what to do with whatever you get her. “OMG, skull ice molds?! This will be perfect for Debbie’s divorce party!”  We love their Clear Ice System and Stainless Steel Cocktail Shaker.

FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS LOSES SHIT

As a young mom, this one relied on her children to remind her of her dentist appointments or whenever she accidentally left the stove on. Though shes the most scatter-brained person you know, shes so lovable youve never (really) faulted her for it. Plus, her lack of having her shit together taught you how to be a proactive, multitasking betch. To make this moms life a little easier as her brain is only getting worse with age (sorry but its true), get her Tile for Mothers Day so you never have to get another phone call about her missing keys again. All she has to do is attach the little Tile to whatever it is she loses every day and connect it to her phone through Bluetooth and voil, when she needs to find either thing she can make em ring (I did not do that on purpose but I apologize).

FOR THE MOM WHO REALLY WANTS TO LOSE 3 POUNDS BUT HATES THE GYM

This mom might sound very familiar because she is all of us. She would much rather spend an hour at book club talking shit than hitting the gym, but the thought of showing up to Southampton for the summer in her current state is freaking her out. Do her a favor and buy her HUM Nutritions Skinny Bird, a natural weight loss supplement. If youre feeling really generous, they also have a Turn Back Time supplement that helps with skin cell protection. Time to pop some pills!

FOR THE BRAND NEW MOM

This mom has been MIA because she is now with child and a real human and also struggling to get more than 4 hours of sleep at night. Brighten up her day by getting her little Betch In Training a baby onesie from Shop Betches.

FOR THE MOM WHO IS ALWAYS ON THE GO

This mom has always been your business betch inspiration, as youve admired her for balancing her work and home life so well. Despite being super important at her company, she somehow found the time to proofread all your high school papers and prepped you for every job interview youve ever had.  Soap & Glory is the perfect cheeky and empowering cosmetic brand that this mom absolutely NEEDS in her life. Since shes always running from mandatory family breakfast to business meeting, get her some of our favorites like their Rushower Dry Shampoo and their Hand Food hydrating hand cream.

FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS KEEPS IT SIMPLE

This mom is a woman of few words, but always knows what to say. You can find her in the yoga studio in the morning and hosting a charity dinner party by night. Shes the one who taught you that doing things for others is like, important. Not one for flashy things but a lover of the arts, this mom would love a piece from Adam Marc Jewelry. Our favorite pieces are the Kim Star Choker and the Rafaeli 14k Gold Bar Necklace. Use code BETCHES20 for 20% offyour mom will never have to know you didn’t pay full price.

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Mother’s Day Gift Guide: Gifts For The Regular Mom, The Cool Mom & Everyone In Between

What greater holiday is there than a day that celebrates the strong, beautiful women who raised us? Go ahead, try to think of one, Ill wait. 4th of July you say? Okay. Anyway, Mothers Day really does serve as a reminder that we should be really really nice to all the moms in our lives because we too may be mothers some day and we dont want a bitchy daughter who doesnt appreciate us.  So its good karma to get them a gift, right?  A betchs mom is the most important lady in her life. Shes given us endless words of wisdom on fuckboys, shes reluctantly allowed us to borrow steal her clothes, and she always picked us up from school when we were feeling sick.  Shes molded us into the betch we are today, and for that we are forever grateful.  To show her how much you love her, were giving you a list of all our favorite brands/gift ideas that are perfect for every type of mom in your life. Welcome to the Betches Mother’s Day Gift Guide 2017.

FOR THE MOM WHO STILL GRABS CANDY FOR HERSELF AT THE CHECKOUT COUNTER

Hats off to this mom, she still answers to her sugar cravings and DGAF. Elevate her candy standards with Sugarfinas Sweetest Mom Candy Bento Box and watch it disappear within 20 minutes of her opening it. If shes into the juicing craze like any betchy mom, feel free to gift her a bottle of Pressed Juicery x Sugarfinas green juice gummy bears. Its the perfect candy she can eat while convincing herself that shes healthy AF. These are the chicest and yummiest candies ever, and Im sure this mom wont mind if you steal a few for yourselfmaybe

FOR THE ZEN AF MOM YOU CAN ALWAYS VENT TO

This mom is amazing because she has the patience to listen to us talk shit about irrelevant shit for hours and somehow make us feel 10 times better in the end. Philosophy is a fave brand of ours, not just because of their amazing products, but also because of their values. Its the wellness brand version of the mom who always sends you inspirational articles and makes sure you never leave the house without food in your stomach. To reward this woman for putting up with your crazy ass, give her the Moments of Grace boxthe perfect set of shower, fragrance, and moisturizing products.

FOR THE MOM WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A HOUSE A HOME (AND WONT LET YOU EAT ON THE COUCH)

This mom might have come off as a little strict and slightly neurotic due to her strict house rules you lived under as a young betch, but you now understand it was all worth it for the image of a perfect home. Shes classy, shes elegant, and shes not afraid to tell you to fuck off when you deserve it. Giving her a Venus Et Fleur box is not just giving her clich flowers for Mothers Day, its giving her a centerpiece for her precious home. These are the most beautiful flowers and they last for an entire year. There are several colors to choose from so you can def find one to match the living room couch. PS, theyre having a pop-up shop at Saks specifically for Mothers Day, so go with your siblings and get her the most Instagrammable flowers ever.

FOR THE MOM WHO WANTS TO BE INA GARTENS BEST FRIEND

This mom spends half her life watching the Food Network and the other half begging her husband to agree to redoing the kitchen. As such, she takes great pride in all her kitchen essentials, and each time you come home theres a new blender or toaster. Although you have barely any space for a wooden spoon in your apartments kitchen and deem it acceptable to microwave water for your tea, this mom would rather be caught dead than without at least 25 different spatula options. Cuisinart is the perfect place to find the best and newest kitchen products that this mom will die over, like the QuicKettle and the PrepExpress. If you get her any of their products, I foresee massive amounts of free food in your future.

FOR THE MOM WHOS NOT AFRAID TO BLACK OUT AT FAMILY DINNERS

This mom is always invited to hang with you and your friends whenever shes in town. As a betch who can single-handedly create a party out of thin air, her Mothers Day gift needs to suit her hostess needs. Kim Crawford Wine is the perfect bottle to whip out on any given occasion, and with summer around the corner, it is officially ros season. Their website has tons of amazing recipes, including fros, sothis mom will def exploit a bottle of Kim Crawford ros for all its worth. If she also happens to be an Insta whore, were sorry in advance.

FOR THE MOM WHO GIFTED YOU YOUR WITTY SENSE OF HUMOR

This mom has passed on her good genes of having no filter and always has the entire family in tears at Thanksgiving dinner (like, the good kind). We were always afraid of what kind of backhanded bitchy comment she might make at our frenemies when we were younger, but we loved her anyway and secretly enjoyed it. If shes begging you not to get her anything this year, at least get her the perfect card from Shop Betches.

FOR THE MOM WHOS PUTTING OFF BOTOX FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE

This mom has had perfect skin her entire life and is now in overdrive doing everything she can to keep it that way.  Washing her face isnt just something she does a couple times a day, its now an insane obsession. To make sure this mom is getting the most out of her incessant face cleansing, get her the Soniclear brush from Michael Todd Beauty. The antimicrobial brush stays cleaner and fresher for longer, and cleans deep into your pores.  Lets be real, youre probs going to get one for yourself as well. Also, since shes probs big into blending, you should get her the Sonicblend brush to apply her makeup flawlessly.

FOR THE MOM WHO WON’T LET YOU ANYWHERE NEAR HER KITCHEN

This mom has a panic attack whenever there’s too many people in the kitchen (which for the most part means if there’s anyone in there besides her). She’s a firm believer in “a place for everything and everything in its place”, which as a betch you can only relate to on the level of your apartment’s bar cart.  Joseph Joseph has the perfect modern organizational kitchen shit that will perfectly encourage this mom’s obsessive compulsive habits, but at least the kitchen will look sleek AF so who cares. We love their Nesting Bowl Sets and their super chic Worktop Savers.

FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS FALLS ASLEEP WITH HER IPAD ON HER FACE

This mom can’t get enough of her Facebook feed and loves to send you videos of dogs at all hours of the night. She probably thinks she’s squinting at all her screens because she’s old, but really it’s because no ones eyes should not be staring at this shit all day. Felix Gray glasses are v trendy-looking and protect your eyes from the blue light emitted from all our electronics’ screens, so mom won’t have to fight through the headaches to continue scrolling through Insta anymore. Our offices fan favorites are the Turing and Nash frames.

FOR THE MOM WHO JUICED BEFORE IT WAS COOL

This mom has been a juice drinking yoga freak since before you were born, and she’s always looking for new ways to show the world that she’s healthier and has more of her shit together than anyone else. Daily Harvest delivers fresh soups, smoothies, chia parfaits and overnight oats to your door on your schedule. This way, mom can get her fav smoothies delivered at 3pm just in time for her to consume before her 5pm spin class. If you didn’t think eating healthy could be convenient, neither did we, but here we are.

FOR THE MOM WHO HAS EVERYTHING YOU NEVER KNEW YOU NEEDED

This mom may seem like a hoarder, but in reality she’s just a collector of random shit that will impress people. Totally different. Also, we are not ones to talk about hoarding as evidenced by our closets. Anyway, Tovolo is the perfect place to shop for this mom because while it’s super fun for us to look through all the fun kitchen gadgets they have, it will be that much more fun for her because she’ll know exactly what to do with whatever you get her. “OMG, skull ice molds?! This will be perfect for Debbie’s divorce party!”  We love their Clear Ice System and Stainless Steel Cocktail Shaker.

FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS LOSES SHIT

As a young mom, this one relied on her children to remind her of her dentist appointments or whenever she accidentally left the stove on. Though shes the most scatter-brained person you know, shes so lovable youve never (really) faulted her for it. Plus, her lack of having her shit together taught you how to be a proactive, multitasking betch. To make this moms life a little easier as her brain is only getting worse with age (sorry but its true), get her Tile for Mothers Day so you never have to get another phone call about her missing keys again. All she has to do is attach the little Tile to whatever it is she loses every day and connect it to her phone through Bluetooth and voil, when she needs to find either thing she can make em ring (I did not do that on purpose but I apologize).

FOR THE MOM WHO REALLY WANTS TO LOSE 3 POUNDS BUT HATES THE GYM

This mom might sound very familiar because she is all of us. She would much rather spend an hour at book club talking shit than hitting the gym, but the thought of showing up to Southampton for the summer in her current state is freaking her out. Do her a favor and buy her HUM Nutritions Skinny Bird, a natural weight loss supplement. If youre feeling really generous, they also have a Turn Back Time supplement that helps with skin cell protection. Time to pop some pills!

FOR THE BRAND NEW MOM

This mom has been MIA because she is now with child and a real human and also struggling to get more than 4 hours of sleep at night. Brighten up her day by getting her little Betch In Training a baby onesie from Shop Betches.

FOR THE MOM WHO IS ALWAYS ON THE GO

This mom has always been your business betch inspiration, as youve admired her for balancing her work and home life so well. Despite being super important at her company, she somehow found the time to proofread all your high school papers and prepped you for every job interview youve ever had.  Soap & Glory is the perfect cheeky and empowering cosmetic brand that this mom absolutely NEEDS in her life. Since shes always running from mandatory family breakfast to business meeting, get her some of our favorites like their Rushower Dry Shampoo and their Hand Food hydrating hand cream.

FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS KEEPS IT SIMPLE

This mom is a woman of few words, but always knows what to say. You can find her in the yoga studio in the morning and hosting a charity dinner party by night. Shes the one who taught you that doing things for others is like, important. Not one for flashy things but a lover of the arts, this mom would love a piece from Adam Marc Jewelry. Our favorite pieces are the Kim Star Choker and the Rafaeli 14k Gold Bar Necklace. Use code BETCHES20 for 20% offyour mom will never have to know you didn’t pay full price.

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