#just feels like they dont care that im coming over when they do shit like that

[ganondoodle]

sorry i keep coming back to totk rants, but something that utterly baffles me from a game design perspective especially is

who, in their right mind, would think to put similar objectives with the same characters in the EXACT same place as its previous game when already reusing the same exact map (no, single rocks springkled around isnt a meaningful change, fight me)

like from a purely logical point of view its just ... not logical?? and TWICE so when most players will have played the previous game, so now that the exploration, which was the main driving point of it, isnt as satisfying simply bc you know most locations and what is what, the thing you need to do is subvert it as in you go to that location and theres something else now or something that leads to a new reveal, but not NOTHING either, bc you likely cared about what youd find- the satori mountain was such a cool mysterious place, so now you head to it to see what is now and its nothing but maybe an obvious treasure chest? thats both lazy (i realy use that since its way overused by people missusing it) and just ... it might be meant as a lil nod so that there isnt nothing at all but to me it feels even more condescending as if there were literally nothing instead

satori isnt here anymore? thats weird if its always been there, so you go find a cause, maybe theres a fissure somewhere you can enter a large cave system, an hidden entrance to the underground that reveals there is something corrupting the place somwhere nearby but not exactly in the same spot- make it into a bossfight at which end satori gets cleansed- maybe it got captured and taken somewhere else, to a place that was kinda neat but didint serve a big fucntion in botw like maybe it was dragged somwhere into the big tabantha canyon, or to the forgotten temple

you try to visit rito village but the snow and cold there got so bad that you cant even reach it without special gear, and when you do reach it its utterly frozen in thick ice and not a single soul is there, the perch of vah medoh is knocked over building a bridge as a subtle hint as to in what direction perhaps, its intriguing bc clearly they have to be SOMEWHERE, maybe they tried to use vah medoh to evacuate but bc its losing power and doesnt have a skilled pilot they crash land it into the mountains, now trapped there and due to the storm not able to send anyone out to get help, maybe some did but they didnt make it and you can find them on your way and rescue them, and bc of the storm being so bad no one can get out and no one can get in (except for our special boi linky ofc) and even after the storm has weakened they dont immediately go back and act like everythings normal, maybe theres an extra mission afterwards helping them rebuild the village but not exactly the same as it was but fortified, different to account for things like this happening again, establishing the crashsite of vah medoh as a second outpost, or a temple, to thank it for bringing them out of immedaite danger but couldnt go all the way

theres so many places that are so clearly modeled around botw that are entirely unused now bc they had to remove all things shiekah for no reason, the holes they left jsut being holes where somethings clearly missing or some chest with a gem in it while the new shrine thing is within view distance a few meters away, might as well have put them in the exact same place bc it really doesnt make a difference

(like alot of those ideas im using for the rewrite which changes many things but you get the point right??)

and its even worse imo with the building stuff, bc now you dont even have to journey there you can fly glide and literally drive there instantly like a giant skip button so you cant even appreaciate the way to it, you skip to one important part to the next

and then points of interest are REPEATED AGAIN, like with shrines and lightroots and settlements and big mines- that is the opposite of satisfying gameplay, you dont have to explore shit bc its all in the same place which is probably why they only did tiny changes to those few spots and nothing else bc they knew most people would run right to those so it gives the illusion of changes (which are half reversable or barely a change at all) and even those are STILL meaningless

its right up there with having even MORE grind with less substance to it than in botw, the shrines and krogs got a lil old but at least the environment, its subtle storytelling etc were something- and totk just bloated everything with more little meaningless collectables while not changing anything meaningfully (and instead pretends that some things where never there and those new boring things were always there)

more shriens with shorter puzzles or none at all, more krogs with the same reward system, over a hundred tiny caves that all blend together bc they are all so similar and you really only do them for yet another colelctable for old gear and ONE cool new one with a bad effect after which the things collected become uselessreally, souls to collect to buy you a single armor set, rewards being largley reused old stuff from botw (imo you should have a chest in your house, yes YOUR house, that got most of the standard versions of botws armor in it so you dont have to buy it all again??? but you gotta think of going home first and dont have to use it- make new versions of them alternatively so you can choose if you want the old one or new one and also LEAVE ONE AT YOUR HOUSE WITHOUT HAVING TO SELL IT SO YOUT INVENTORY ISNT AS ENDLESSLY SCROLLING AS YOUR STUPID ARROW BAR)

theres new effects from food and armor thats largely useless (like the attack when hot?? why wouldnt you you jsut combine an armor and a potion- put on hot armor and drink an attack potion? its way more efficient no?? idk i found it to be yet another effect thing to bloat my inventory especially when NPCs keep giving you shitty effect food)

the whole sonanium (zonaite?) collecting with multiple ways to convert it into yet another currency??? huh???? AND have it be the thing for you to autobuild with?? when you need it upgrade your battery which takes an insane amount of those stones?? wells, while finally an actual well are NOW ALSO LIKE A COLLECTABLE and im gonna take a wild guess that the reward is utterly disappointing too

the fairies are all blocked by much more annoying means than in botw (like i wouldnt want to carry those NPCs three meters away in their little cart antoehr time please) and the amount of material AND MONEY NOW you need is so much higher for no reason (if its their attempt to make the game harder its the lamest way to do it)-

all while instead of expanding on the foundation of botw they ripped it out to build a new one while pretending they are both there (im so so slaty about this .... a sequel like this should expand upon the stuff of the first game, both in theme, narrative, mechanics and more and not ... replace it with slightly different versions of it while abandoning everything established before and really only using it as a way to skip having to make you care about some characters bc you might still care about them from the other game)

i could go on, as always lol, anyway, i really really dont get why this got into the final game ..

#ganondoodles talks #zelda #ganondoodles rants #totk critical #*cracks knuckles* time to rewrite and design #no but literally #putting the same objectives into the same places with the same characters ........ and then repeating important places AGAIN in the- #-undergound is just so ........... thats the opposite of what you should do wtf #like im only an aspiring gamedev but ............... right???? #like theres so many things #make the zora not be able totalk bc they are all poisoned by the goo so you have to understand them via weak fignerpointing #also have the champs be around the actual dungeon already so you can literally find the dugneon yourself AND do it right away #without having to go to the town- ask where is- get told where is- get little fight- get little puzzle- get dungeon that is often worse- #-defeat way to easy boss thats also found in depths- gets SAME CUTSCENE EVERY TIME- all problems go away- town normal again #there is quite literally no permanent change to anyone

[gobstoppr]

and btw im in my hater arc rn. as time goes on the more i find a lot of 'fandom' stuff insufferable (i like art n stuff. just the way that fandom refits every media to fit a single mold and set of boring archetypes is exhausting.)

i just get really easily annoyed lately. and have been unfollowing people on a whim a lot. its not personal i promise

#fandom culture has made me actively dislike shit i was fixated on a year ago. looking at your ninja turtles #its not even like what they were doing were particularly offensive it was just exhaustingly boring #im sorry i just really dont care about ur 2 million fics about leo being a sadboy. or one million seperated aus. #theres definetly a part of the whole situation in general which has been me coming to terms with my own internalized misogny #actively re-examining my tendencys to gravity towards male characters #idk maybe its making me dislike art more. but idk. ive always analyzed why i react certain ways to certain things. this isnt new for me #anywaays. i had been following a bunch of ninja turtle blogs and they sorta kept messing around with shows like ninjago too #and at some point i was just like. i dont know if these shows are actually that good guys. i think youjust like shows for little boys #and fandoms tend to shaft female chars so it sure helps that their casts are 98% male . #maybe theyre not your blorbo maybe theyre just Guy McAverageMan. thats not inherently bad but you have to consider it. #guys rottmnt is isnt even that good . its not that good ok. its alright/pretty good. and the movie does a few neat things #i feel like ive become one of those people that turn 18 and then immediately go 'minors dni'. im not there yet but i just. #we're watching kids shows. its ok . you can say it. #you may have noticed ive been reblogging a lot of dungeon meshi stuff. i read it all over the past week. #but here's the thing. i thought it was mid/good for like 70% of it. #i think its got some really really cool worldbuilding ideas and stuff #but i think a lot of the writing was sorta. uninteresting to me. #my discord friends have been raving over izutsumi for months. #but i found her presence in the story to be weird and underdeveloped. she felt out of place and her introduction felt clumsy #i felt when the story was ramping up the manga got a lot better. because again theres some rlly cool ideas at play #all the shit with the lion? incredible. the way all the infighting led to more problems bc the elves refuse to explain anything? rlly good. #marcille landing in power? reallly good shit. (i still thought it was a lil undercooked still tho) #i cant stop thinking about laios in that climax scene. i think he shouldve been feral a lot more often #uhh. i got distracted. fandom bad and annoying. #saw a post talking about marcille realizing izutsumi is only 17 and then describing how 'omg shes a mom now' and i wanted to throw up #im done. i swear. im done talking for real. aagh #text

[buppypuppy]

.

#vent post essay ahead lol #having complexes about talking about your emotions is literally the fucking devil . its miserable. it sucks so bad. #the aamount of damage that is caused to someone by like #i mean im talking abou t me here obviously. #being the person whose like. overall ultimately tends not to feel horrible as often is like. #it's nice not feeling bad emotionally all the time but also it's like. i develop this complex about being like able to help. #i don't feel bad anywhere near as often as my friends so i can help them out and listen to them vent i can have the mental room to #like listen to them talk about their problems. yeah. but it makes me feel like. well this is my job now so i shouldn't fucking talk about m #i shouldnt vent when i feel bad because that's not what i'm known for. plus my friends already all feel worse than me more often than me. s #i don't want to dump any more on their plate than they have to deal with. i don't want to burden them anymore than i have to. and like it's #it's hard. i hate fucking talking about it and it's made so much worse when its like people i love . always been a fucking problem becaus #i just feel fucking horrible admitting that i feel bad i hate that so much. i don't want to like turn away people who care about me but li #i feel like if i tell them what's wrong with me i'll like do it anyways. i feel like i come off as super normal and happy go lucky and like #ostensibly fine. so when i admit this shit its like. oops the facade is cracking!!!!!! uh oh uh oh you can't help people so you feel bad!!! #because your fucking npd has made you feel self centered in a way that means you want to help people or some shit i dont fucking know #and so when i feel bad or get mad over something unreasonable it's like. well i hope i fucking keel over and die or something i dont like . #i don't want people seeing me like this or whatever. and my stupid fucking personality disorder just ruins every god damn thing its so bad. #my past experiences giving me complexes that lead to me feeling fucking left out over like small stupid stuff but god the worst part is lik #my brain categorizing something as being ''My Thing'' so somebody else talks about liking my thing AFTER my brain has designated it mine #makes alarm bells go off and feel like theyre fucking. i don't know encroaaching on my turf or what the fuck ever? it SUCKS ASS #it makes me feel HORRIBLE . and it's like i'm not gonna fucking bring it up because i don't wnt to be like a dick but also it's like well. #i feel fucking miserable about this but it's just like mean and unnecessary and cruel to like stifle people's fucking fun because of my dum #fuckin complexes. it's fucking constant. like oh look at you girl you feel fucking left out because you never get characters who really gri #you mentally and so now you have one but oops! someone else talked about them and now you're seeing red! you like this person though #so you're gonna feel fucking MISERABLE about this . you're gonna feel HORRIBLE because of this. and there's nothing you can fucking do #and it controls my goddamn life and i HATE IT i fucking HATE IT i wish i knew how to fix it. ghghrgurghrughruhg i want to fucking explode #and then you feel bad about feeling bad because you are fucking sisyphus. you're sisyphus. and your own anger is your boulder. you ingrate. #i hate this. i just wanted to have a good day. #jane mary cry one tear

[toxooz]

Hi Toxooz, how do you get yourself to draw so frequently? 👀👀👀

bc i have literally 84 things going on at once in my brain at all times that my highly visually obsessed brain Has To physically get in front of my eyes so that i can see or else will i think abt it over and over again and Brother I'm always envisioning things characters scenes scenarios outfits designs colors all of it in my cranium like angry itchy itchy ITCHY bees until i draw them out lmfao even if i don't know what to specifically draw at the current moment imma still end up drawing somehow ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I think at this point it's literally hardwired into my brain that I Gotta draw its what I've been doing since I could hold a pencil tbh it's how i cope with being -gestures vaguely- Here and alive, i actually gotta force myself to take a day off and schedule days where I DONT draw bc I know it's wearing on my hands and wrists 😬 I guess physically drawing grounds me in a way and keeps me (mostly) sane like if I don't draw for a few days i start getting Vaguely Antsy it's fukkin weird and i think at this point my love for my characters has surpassed like any form of art block if that makes sense??? like they literally take up 92% of my brain if not more, and the only way to see them is to draw them but yeah it's just what i do it's my jelly n my jam which is why I'm literally so glad i realized that i don't want to make drawing a job/career bc God help me if i start dreading drawing bc of the stress of money I've been drawing like crazy for like 2 decades straight and I only wanna draw more man idk!!!!! It's just one of them 'how the brain formed around what you do an assload of times' thangs

Answer translation: idk I just like to draw a lot lmfao

#its like the kids say ✨💅its how i express myself✨💅 #and dont get it twisted im aware this is not healthy lmfao #dont aspire to b like me just draw or dont draw man its abt the want #like i said drawing is just What I Do at this point i didnt train theres not some ''oh draw for at least 30 minutes a day' shit #i draw fast as shit (probably obviously ) and so much its probably unnatural AHA #the secret is make drawing the only outlet for your brain to not completely self implode at the mere idea of existing #for 24 years!!!!! :) #honestly thats why im getting progressively more Tired when every mf and their grandma tries to convince me to sell my shits #like brother this is a part of me how can i give away something i created and inevitably formed a bond with for like 100 bucks #i caint do it and so if i go in with the expectation to imediately give it away then man i dont even want to be making art in the first pl #like for me Personally if im not going to make something that i fall in love with and want to look at occasionally then #Literally what is the point of me making anything #what is the point of me making my body and mind create a piece if not for my own personal joy??? #but thats just physical art ig #like digital stuff and selling it for money if some1 wants it im aight but physical paintings??? that shit is Me and Mine #like just bc i Can make art doesnt immediately mean i need to make money from it yknow #my brother in christ when it comes to the the only true outlet for me to find joy and inspiration in living i Do Not care about money #i will take any amount of shitty job abuse if it means i conserve my passion #ill get a scarring accident from welding before i will stress cry over a deadline for a project that i dont even want to do #absolutely terrified of that path and feeling it is The Worst for me #like literally thank FUCK i realized this when i was just in a community college and not balls deep in debt at some fancy university #granted late as all hell and all my opportunities of taking free welding classes in my early years have long passed but still glad #just stick me on an abandoned island with canvases n paint n shit and ill b fine #god knew if i managed my time better and wasnt Really Fucking Exhausted all the time i would be unstoppable #like ofc making money while drawing what i want is the dream no doubt but the chances of that are slim and the road to get there is even #slimmer #ANYWAY holy shit not to get hella preachy but i have Thots

[kruxton]

having a Night. havent been alone w my thoughts in a while and im not liking it

#usualy i'd make up some stupid story to fall asleep but its not working now #some news was broken to me just now and i dont know how to feel about it #i mean i do #ok incoming vent #hate the idea hate it so so much but its so selfish of me to think that way #and the issues all lie within ME and i just. i cant change now #not w all the work i put into adapting to this place i cant just. pack it all up and leave to go somewhere else #my future was set here man. all i had left was to finish a year and a half more of secondary school n get thru my IGCSEs and i'l be set #yeah i didnt have a specific plan but i had come to terms w a solid general one that i actually really liked #and now its all Ruined #'dw you'll be going to a good school over there too! much better than where ur at now' i dont want to #i cant i just cant #i cant leave my life here now not when im so close to finally getting my freedom #i was supposed to graduate top of my class here i was supposed to excel in my extra curriculars i was supposed to be KNOWN #god does that sound horrible of me but i cant change the way i feel and how ive always felt #i was set man. i couldve gotten that scholarship and gone overseas #i NEED that scholarship or my family wont be able to afford to put my siblings into good schools #but now my progress is gone! #yeah idfk how the school system shit works but i highly doubt some prestigious ass school is gonna care abt shit i did in my current one #yeah i could be wrong but what if man #what then. what the fuck am i supposed to do #and im scared i wont be able to make friends there #fuck im prbly overthinking this n being such a fucking pussy but #i cant. be alone #not again i cant do that shit again #i have my friends here!!!! and theyre alright i like to be around them so why cant i just stay #im just so tired #i just want to sleep #but all i can think about is this #vent

[deneveve-is-lost]

I'm the worst because if I find out complete strangers who I follow on social media think something I like is annoying I start thinking I should probably just kill myself and save myself the embarrassment, it's not ideal

#like this is kind of a joke but also not really i hate myself haha #i just think im like disgusting and deserve endless shame and hatred or whatever for being a bit cringe #i hate that its even cringe like why is cringe it makes me happy why can i not just enjoy things without this being an embarrassing trait #still thinking abojt when i went to the queer youth group age 16 and was drawing the crystal gems and some dude comes up to me like #oh you like Steven Universe. 😐 okay. #like yes i like steven universe bitch im a fucking 16 year old autist with a tumblr account and no self esteem what do you want!! #this isnt fucking social media i am literally standing in front of you!!! i am a person!!!! see me as a person!!! please see me as a person! #like thats why i leaned so hardcore into fucking truscum shit and became so fucking grating and insufferable #because i was so cringe and such a fucking trender and i hated it #it made me want to kill myself over and over again i had to prove i was a real man who could take a joke #and wasnt into that cringe tumblr sjw shit i was tough and cool #i also had agoraphobia and couldnt look in the mirror without wanting to do violence to myself #and lay in bed taking codeine only getting up to piss and shit for weeks at a time #but yeah no i was tough and cool and not cringe #not cringe not cringe #i still cant bear it i still hate myself then #i hate myself so much it makes me want to beat the cringe out of me i hate it #i just want to feel okay #i just want to feel like im allowed to be here #and that people ultimately dont care that much if there are some things we dont have in common #but i cant even treat other people that way so #its the fucking shit for me

[toytulini]

so stupid that if i ever want to learn about working on cars id have to crawl under the car. if my car is barely bigger than a golf cart i should be able to just tip it on its side honestly. where do i get one of those things that holds the cow sideways to clean its hooves or whatever. do that to my car

#toy txt post #smh #you want me to put this shit on a jackstand and crawl under it and lay on the floor and risk gid knows what falling on my face??? #when its this small??? bro im gonna invite the group chat over and we're going to just pick it up #discrimination against clown cars #do NOT come onto this post with actual reasons why this isnt done i dont Care im just Whining #I Dont Want To Be Under It #both my real clown car and the clown car i bought from my grandpa to learn stick shift on in the summer are like. beyond small #let me just pick it up. feels so stupid

[elytrafemme]

friendship is cool bc you get to have these funny little guys who make you happy and become a better person or whatever and laugh a lot. but then there’s the horrors (trying to see and message them frequently enough when you know you can’t possibly juggle all of them all at once and never knowing the best answer)

#nightmare.personal #maybe i tell my irls to fuck off for a week so i can just get to work repairing all my online relationships #i won't actually do that but like. my social battery is so fucked #also there's the other issues but we don't talk aboutu those <- diseased interpersonally #we do talk abt those a lot but im turning over a new leaf to be normal #this is late night confessionals. hi i know cool people. wish i fucking knew how to talk to anybody #its so stupid too bc when i message them or join a vc everyone accepts me like i was never gone and is friendly and kind and all that #but then it's like. do ppl think im not committing. do they think i don't care #and like how do i convince people i care when im barely here and barely know whats going on #idk. wish klav was here he's better at fucking online things i think #i think im doing good socializing with my irls at least. like scheduling hangouts #when my gf comes back i need to see her like asap bc my brain is fucking obliterating itself but thats unrelated #sorry this is litrally late night thoughts #dont rb btw #my irl social life is better and i think part of me sees that as more important? #like obviously all my friends are important to me diffeerently but. if i disappear on an irl for a while they'll give me shit for it #versus online that's just life you know but. i don't know. #sometimes i wonder if my online friends know how much they mean to me and i realize they probably don't and i get scared #and then i wonder how all of them have to feel about me at that point and we don't really have to go into that but like #i don't know. it's always a little a lot scary #and people seem to be so natural at doing this online but i meanwhile just fucking can't #i'm allergic to discord servers its a thing. except the one im active in which makes me happy but i still forget to talk there all the time #so im still allergic but im choosing to partake. its like the lactose intolerance of the whole group

[l0v3c0r3e]

argh i hate myself sm i just want it all to end LMAOO 😎

#this is my kind way of saying i feel like shit and i want to kms and if i end up not succeeding i will kms i hate it all sm i just need to #press game over #its so not fair no matter how much i try i still feel like shit it wont go away i hate ittttt #its kinda been like this for years tho just on and off and when i think i'm finally genuinely happy smth happens and its just like boom #and ig since i did post this i must have at least a centimeter of self worth left because its like my own way of asking for help since #i cant directly do it #i just need someone to listen but i dont know how to reach out and even then they probably wouldn't believe me or care because im always #funny and lighthearted rightt #ive tried doing things that make me happy and it does work but then it all just comes flooding back in #i also want to die but not really completely want to die ?

[rottingcompost]

i need to start respecting my own boundaries more and make them more clear to people, especially family members, and start to assert said boundaries more so people dont just walk all over them.

#ramblings #like the whole thing with family members drinking a bunch when im there #it fucking sucks and i hate it and it especially sucks when they invite me over and then start drinking because i feel like i cant ask them #not to since they invited me over. #i need to stop thinking like that. #i need to start telling them i'll only agree to come over if they wont be drinking (unless it's some really special event) because im so #tired of being around drunk family members because they thought it would be a good idea to start drinking before i come over when they have #invited me over for dinner or something. like i can accept that people drink on special occasions. i do too. but when it's a regular ass #thursday and they start drinking before i come there and keep drinking while im there and probably after i leave then it's too fucking much #it just sucks as well that i should even have to ASK them to not drink when they were the ones who invited me over. like #do they actually want to spend time with me or not? #idk im just tired and kinda annoyed and im getting mad because it's just disrespectful at some point. even if i havent expressed it yet it #just feels like they dont care that im coming over when they do shit like that

[bitchvania]

Actually no himenoeatmyass Im not laughing about the destruction of my country's welfare state

#yoyo rambles #the lack of tact or just like emotional engagement w the situation is shit #which would be fine if u lot kept ur lil jokes to ur fuckin selves but apparentally u wanna try out for clown school #im guessing bc its mostly americans who want to feel some kind of morsl superiority over another country for once #when roe v wade was on this site every nonamerican had to grieve ab their governmental fuck ups but if u ask people to not trivialise the #human rights violations of u and ur friends THATS when ure being too much #and the fact it was compared to the elon musk twitter beef #like girl economic collapse is not the same as ur fave nerdboy punching bag doing something stupid #and the funniest thing is of this happened 10 years ago when anglophilia was trendy there would be sympathy #but u lot dont give a shit ab normal british citizens u just wanna sexualise the upper class twinks and mock the chavs #btw this isnt a like 'WHY ISNT ANYONE TALKING AB THIS WHERE IS THE SYMPATHY' #i dont see why non-brits should care all that much if it doesnt affect u #just dont come on the internet to laugh at the worst british recession in history #sorry to say it makes u look like an ignorant fuckhead with the humour of a 12 year old incel

[cozzyplace]

.

#im not done bitching #they fucking lied at the start of our relationships saying that they dont want kids #and then 3 years later once i uprooted my enter fucking life and moved 8 hours away from my family and friends #they went oh im so sorry i lied i do want kids i was hoping you would change your mind #like what??? #fucking what??? #they also kept pressuring me to get a dog i didnt want cus i was so fuckig burnt out from work i knew i wouldnt beable to take care of a dog #but the bought one anyways saying that they would be the main one taking care of it #big fucking lie that was #im the one who feeds it takes it out for walks and plays with it while you literally just stay in your room all day #they fucking work an office job from home where the scroll tik tok for half the day and they dont do shit around the house #i worked as a supervisor at tims where i was on my feet for 9 hours a day and often wouldnt get full breaks #and i still was the one coming home and taki g care of the dog and the house #and they fucking kept complaining to me that i dont cook meals from scratch for them and i should once a week #bitch you dont cook once a week!!!! #i watched you order 6 bowls of take out and store them in the fridge so you can eat them over easter weekend when everything is closed #yet if i order take out for myself at 12 at night when i just got home and was exhausted you would be on my ass nagging me about how i need #to cook more #and they have the fucking gull to say that they feel like they have to take care of me?? because i dont cook?? fuck you #im not the one who impulse bought 5 geckos durning covid and let one of them starve to death because you forgot to feed it #im not the one who leaves food in there room to rot and grow mold #i had to sit you down and do your taxes for you because you didnt do them for the past 5 years #but yeah im the one who needs taking care of #fuck you

[snekdood]

the only way i could be anonymous online at this point is if i deleted everything and stopped caring about my comic and gave up and stopped trying, and while that is tempting sometimes, im honestly just too dedicated to my characters and honestly myself and defending myself and my own dignity to do that.

#bitch im a big ol rock i aint goin nowhere lmao #i used to do that sometimes when i wanted a breather but theres no real point in doing that now #bc if i post my characters anywhere no doubt it'll somehow trail back to my abuser or their flying monkeys #and it'll all just come back to the same old bullshit of ppl stalking me and being really fuckin weird to me and pretending to be my friend #etc etc etc #like i understand at this point that they just kinda think they're this vigilantee justice warrior leading an army against a Great Evil #and im kinda over it all like its just really dumb and boring and they're so full of themselves for it and on their high horse about it all #and its why i suspect sometimes theres rwingers in their audience bc if i can provide all that evidence of them doing weird n fucked up #shit and im still ignored then that to me just tells me. they dont care. like they dont care if their fave acts hashtag problematic bc #they're weirdly loyal to them but then get all up in arms whenever i do anything even extremely mildly conceived as bad #its not about you guys actually being concerned about stopping someone bad. stop pretending. lmao. it never was #you wanna see what you can do with your collective power. you wanna see if its possible to drive me off the internet. like thats it #you dont care about the truth or any bloodshed or anything thats whatever to you as long as you can *feel* like you're doing something #well bitch get over it bc i already know thats what you're trying to do and its just gonna make me glue myself here #i repeat: im not stuck here with you. you're all stuck here with me. #either actually engage with my side of shit and try to understand me and where im coming from or fuck off w your b/w thinking asses. #bc ive been doing nothing but trying to be nuanced over here while yall keep trying to find ways to see me as satanhitler #but i understand that when yall dont have a scapegoat bad guy you get to rely on as a punching bag for your shitty life- #that you can pretend you're punching up when more than anything you're punching sideways or down- #then you dont get to feel like the Good Guy Hero like in All Your Favorite Shows Anymore #bc those shows dont deal w nuance do they? they find an enemy and get rid of him and thats it. #so why should you right? surely reality is like a cartoon. right? #and that maybe you're actually BEING the bad guy by punching down at a trans guy who lives in poverty #and let me guess... my abusers defending the rape of israelis rn too arent they? and yall wont think about that huh #just. any bad behavior they do goes over your heads. you'll defend anything they do to the end #but if i even make the slightest mistake its over. #i kinda think yall are just like... kiwifarm types? like thats what you remind me of.... #i just dont believe you have any real convictions or moral framework. i kinna think you just like blood and i mean. given your fandom.... #not very hard to feel that way.

[tabootasaur]

...

#im really just ranting so pleasr ignore this post it really isnt that serious i just need to vomit it all out before i crash #i wish i knew who i was i wish i knew who i was going to be who i would havr been before everythong went to shit #before my parents beat my soul into submission before i retreated into myself so hard im killing myself just trying to come out again #i dont know who i am or what i want or even how to begin ttying any of that #my therapist started saying all the same things my dad would say abiut me and about my qork and about my life #id been with her for over 5 years so maybe she is right maybe my dad was right maybe my parents were right maybe i do deserve nothing #i hate my body but my partner says its beautiful i can barely face the day but my partner is happy when i do #they say my parents were wrong in so many ways but why is it taking me so long to prove it #ive been bad my whole life o was a bad kid a bad friend a bad adult but i wanna be goood so bad ii might puke #i know i can be good but why cant i prove it why is it stopping me why cant i push my my brain why cant i hit the override and just LIVE #its hard being 25 when i didnt think id make it to 15 #its hard living when all you want to do is give up i want to give up i wish i could and maybe a few years ago i would have #but now for the first time in my life i want to live i want to do good but my brain body and soul have no idea how #i think im autistic and the worst part is realizing how much of me that is how much i should havr been cared for #i have to learn how to live in the world but the world is so scary and it hurts and my therapist talkrd a lot about getting used to it #she wanted me to dive in and didnt understand no matter how many qays i tried to explain to her how much it painrd me to try it her way #i wish i could just do it that i could grin and bear it but i cant anymore i cant just do it #i wish i could just become who i was supposed to be someone without the pain and the torture and the constant berating #someone who can have a job and cook dinner and still feel whole after it all #i jist want to live i want to be good i want to get better and i feel like peeling my skin off my body i feel like ripping out my teeth #it makes me feel awful every time i cant do sometbing because i was getting better i couod feel it and now im in hell this is worse #i feel like im experiencing depression for the first time all over again ivw never been so violently thrown bacj into the pit #please i want out i want to hear creaks without thinking someone is 8n my home i want to clean like someone isnt watching me #i want to move around my home like i dont expect to be graded i want to be able to sleep at night and not have tomorrow ruined by flashback #im so so tired and for the first time in my life o dont wanna give up i wanna be better but i dont know how #every time i try to get help something goes wrong and i run out of insurance soon so im probably just fucked #my antidepressants arent doing shit and my birth control makes everything harder and i jist wish i could take medication and live #im tired im tired but ive been crying in the bathroom for over an hour because sometbing so stupid triggered me #and now im a child again and i have work tomorrow and i cant scream and cry into my partner cause they have work #they work so hard for us and i can barely do a day im so fucking pathetic and yet they stay with me

[whisp3roftheheart]

Sometimes I hate that my friend group is so close knit because whenever I'm having issues with one person there is never any real escape from them. At least no meaningful one because no matter what things will always circle back to them and I'll be forced to interact.

#eden speaks #im going to pride tomorrow with my best friend and im so worried my ex is gonna be pissed i didnt invite her since we've all gone together #for the past few years #like i shouldn't care this much but this stresses me out so much #i just wanna hang out with my friend honestly it has nothing to do with my ex at the end of the day #im just really really worried shes gonna make it about her if she finds out we went #im also REALLY stressed shes gonna be there and we're gonna come across her out of nowhere and ill have to explain why i didnt invite her #i have all of these made up problems in my head that arent even problems yet but i stress over them #i just wanna hang out with my best friend. every time i hang out with my ex i feel like im hanging out with the equivalent of a soggy piece #piece of paper. shes just a downer!! and it makes me feel like shit every time we interact #and i dont like how things left off last time i hung out with her :// i was stressed and she asked to kiss me and i said a firm no #i feel like im stuck in highschool im 22 fucking years old!! i never dealt with this shit in highschool #i dont want to deal with this shit now. i think my issue is is that i dont know how to be mean #or im too scared to be mean #i wish she would ghost me tbh or tell me she cant handle talking anymore #because dealing with the aftermath of everything is exhausting especially when i feel like i have to tiptoe around her feelings #shes always upset at me because apparently i look like i got over shit too quickly and that doesnt make any sense?? i can easily fake that #this shit probably makes no sense anymore im just so ready for it all to be over #im gonna have fun with my best friend at pride tomorrow. im gonna smoke some weed beforehand. we're gonna have a great time #even if my ex IS there. its not my job to cater to her feelings. its not my job. #i could say so much more because theres so much fucked context but im gonna refrain before im here all night l #delete later