#life in these pandemic times

[tree-whisper]

“The party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.”

George Orwell

#life in these pandemic times #republicans are fascists

[segernatural]

sure it was a perfect storm of a pressure cooker but i promise destiel was about destiel

#like 2020 was all building towards something. the isolation the pandemic the general uncertainty of day to day life #toss in the heated election and counting process. sure it *couldve* been anything else. but it *wasnt*. #it was destiel. that night there were even other rumours circulating about other shows. another show even had a huge reveal! #but the most widespread and known was destiel because of course it was! because thats what everyone was losing their mind over! #look at the statistics chart of a history of destiel interest over time! i promise the destiel interest is about destiel! #were people all equally invested? no! were some people memeing? yes! but by and large nov 5th became a juggernaut bc of destiel #as someone who literally was refreshing for election news and developed mania from seeing destiel go canon. it was about destiel #sure the intersection of destiel and election results was fun. but i posted way more destiel than election stuff. cause it was about destie #anyway. idk why im on a soapbox #char speaks #destielputinelection #destiel

[uncanny-tranny]

By implying that children are too stupid and rude to learn about the world and learn how the world works and how to interact with others, you are casting responsibility away from the people who are responsible for that child's upbringing and placing the blame on the children (who don't have the autonomy given to them to be allowed to decide what they want) who can't help what they do and do not learn, often.

If the children aren't okay, then investigate why before turning to thought-terminating clichés of, "Well, the kids are just stupid and dumb and aren't even worth the effort because they're lazy!"

#youth liberation #i was really bothered when i saw this clip where this person was saying almost verbatim that... #...'kids [these days] are too STUPID and they're teachers are scared!'... #...why is the blame placed on the kids who have no control over school curriculum and what their home life is like or if they have money... #...it's because when you place the blame on the people with no power or control you don't have the responsibility to change circumstances.. #...you essentially keep the status quo while simultaneously belittling a group of vulnerable people... #...and thus you feed into the cyclical nature of the broken education system #the kids these days AREN'T okay but it ISN'T THEIR FAULT... #...it's the fault of late-stage capitalism and poorly-funded education and a world that wasn't even built with them in mind... #...they had NO PART in the creation of the world which is hostile to their entire existence #don't mind the incorrect usage of their in the second tag i was so focused on how pissed i was #also remember how a good chunk of these kids lived through *checks notes* the fucking PANDEMIC LOCKDOWN #which was a clown show in terms of supporting kids and their parent/s #some places handled lockdown in the US better than others but holy fuck in my area at least it was a nightmare #what do you expect from parents who are now working full-time and teaching part/full-time and parenting full-time? #what support exactly are you expecting they recieved? because you'll likely find they got either a little or NONE #hilarious that i used the wrong their in a post subtweeting about education LOL #look i was focused on how PISSED i was lol cut me some slack here

[palms-upturned]

Like three of my coworkers in the past month have tested positive for covid, every day I see new ppl on my dash mentioning that they’ve caught covid, every day I see and hear from ppl who have come down w something that looks like covid but the test came back negative but also they can only afford to test once bc tests aren’t free anymore and the more accurate tests are also more expensive so there’s no way to know if it was a false negative, and yet nobody masks anymore. hell world hell world

#meg talks #like i feel like im losing my mind. i will admit that ive probably gotten too bold abt going out in public #but at least i never go out without wearing a clean n95 #and then i immediately look around and see no one else is wearing one and im like well fuck me i guess. #i refuse to get on an airplane or have anyone come visit me via plane bc fucking every time someone ik gets on a plane #they come back with covid #and i just keep thinking back to the start of the pandemic and the efforts to flatten the curve #and how if we’d just fucking. done it. if the lockdown wasn’t lifted so fast. we could have killed covid #instead we’re going on four years of this. and ppl just act like life is normal again #well it’s not normal for me. catching covid could ruin my body and cost me my job and then what #but nobody cares bc most precautions protect other ppl around us more than they protect ourselves #and nobody gives a shit abt the disabled #nor do they want to think abt the fact that they are one covid infection away from being disabled themselves

[doberbutts]

Friend: yeah idk if you can eat/like Indian food but this particular dish is really yummy

Me: I mean I don't eat Indian often but I think you're forgetting the time that [Indian trans woman friend] was staying at my place? I wasn't charging her rent so she just cooked for us every day while we were either asleep or at work whether we wanted her to or not

Friend: OH YEAH THAT'S RIGHT

#I miss her honestly she was great #she moved out and in with her new gf and I've since lost contact #I saw her from time to time after and hung out but #the pandemic was really rough on us all #she couldn't afford to get sick and then I had to move so I could buy my house #she kept apologizing for being a burden and I was like #girl I'm not kicking you out #stay as long as you need #if I can guarantee one thing in life it's that my friends have a roof over their head #and if that roof has to be mine then it will be #plus food in their stomaches and a warm place to sleep #I don't have much but no one goes without if I can help it

[order-of-the-eye]

I love space SO much. And it absolutely terrifies me too. If I wasn't terrified of space, and I was good at math, I'd be working at NASA. But even then I won't ever get to explore the galaxy in my lifetime, because we are nowhere near travel that equals the speed of light, and even then, lightspeed is still painfully slow on the cosmic scale.

Did you know that, no matter where we are in humanity, our sun will begin to die billions of years from now? We may all be dead and gone, or we may have evolved into something unrecognizable, or we may still be around. But one day, the Earth will be engulfed by the sun. Or it'll be thrown out of orbit. It'll be the end for Earth. We may have figured out how to go beyond the speed of light by then. We could have discovered that the Einstein-Rosen Bridge theory - wormholes - is real, and we could have used that to bend spacetime to our will and find somewhere new to call home, potentially even new universes.

But we don't know. Earth will likely become uninhabitable before the natural lifespan of our sun can engulf it, as a result of our very human mistakes and actions and impacts.

And... this is just a longwinded way of me saying, that's what Starfield is about.

It's about being human in the face of the divine, in the face of being so so so small in the universe. It's about conflict, the tragedy of it, how it can so easily destroy our humanity before time itself has the chance to. It's about looking at the petty wars between the UC and the Collective and going, "what are they doing? There is plenty of space for us all. This is only our galaxy, what about beyond?" It's about humanity pushing forward for answers about the universe and how they will always resort to the same petty violence over those answers. It's about how you can decide what you do with those answers. It's about looking in the eye of sure destruction that will certainly come one day, and say, "I will live and love in spite of it."

You can certainly become like the Hunter. You can continuously perpetuate the cycle of very human violence because that is all that is left to you, because you have embraced the uselessness of it all. Or you can become like the Pilgrim. You can settle down and bring love and kindness to others, and bring them knowledge, despite the fact that everything is pointless.

We are just starstuff. We come from the stars, and back to the stars we will eventually go, one way or another. And it's up to you to decide if you will embrace that as the only meaning in the universe, or if you will reject the simplicity of that, and embrace humanity, embrace love, embrace compassion, embrace meaning in spite of it all.

That is what Starfield is about. That's what it is about to me. And I love it.

#starfield spoilers #starfield #stfu cloud #starfield has made me go back to those SEA videos that i linked in the post #and i just. yeah. i have a lot of feelings about this game #ive immersed myself in the worlds bethesda has made #i have dived into the deep end of the elder scrolls lore #i have written fanfics for fallout and i've studied the themes and their reflections of our world #and yet starfield is just... something so special. #i mean they are all very special don't get me wrong #but i just. i think starfield came out at the perfect time in my life and perhaps that's the same for many others #here i am trying to get my life together after the pandemic #convinced that the world is too harsh for me to function as an adult within it #and then starfield comes out and it's such a comfort to me #i am right where i need to be. and i have the ability to live and love and move forward despite the world's harshness #i love this game. so much.

[dayurno]

sourdough starter kind of scares me but i do think jean moreau would have a jar of starter and care for it like a child in his 30s. he’s got bread to make and if anyone fucks with his six year old sourdough starter there’s going to be issues. no one else is allowed to even touch the jar. sometimes kevin moves it to get to something and jean is like What the fuck is wrong with you and kevin just puts up with it bc what’s he supposed to do? not let jean treat the starter like a member of the family?

DYING AT KEVIN GETTING OPPRESSED W SOURDOUGH STARTER its really true..... its really true....... because kevjean are two traumatized millennials i dont think they would ever actually have children (though it is very cute if they do in fics) (jean is not amalia's stepfather he's the father that stepped up) so i can see them having weird attachments to other kind of stuff. jean is like an old man chasing children off his porch w a shotgun abt this sourdough starter because its so fucking old and renee gave it to him and it makes the okayest bread ever and he refuses to let it go :) i think he uses it for only very important events like when something mildly bad happens to andrew. they had sourdough for like 3 weeks straight when andreil had a fight and andrew spent a weekend over to cool down

i also love the idea of jean being an obsessive cook. you can tell how hes feeling by what hes cooking. kevin knows somethings bothering him when their fridge is full of weird half finished recipes. when renee got married to some fucking guy from the peace corps kevin had to donate half of their food because jean was cooking more than they could ever possibly eat. very hard living with the 6'5 unmedicated version of elmo

#kevin: where are you going jean: ALASKA kevin: its faster if you drive! #kevjeans married life is such unrelentless mental illness these men are so horrible #its not even like in the toxic way i think theyre just so weird and they enable that weirdness in each other #during pandemic times kevin and jean get so much worse because they only spend time with each other #and theyre really fucking weird #my loves............ #asks #kevjean

[dreamlogic]

2024 year of charlie gets a fucking break (hopefully. maybe. tbd.)

#ctxt #i'm on medication that's reduced my post-hysterectomy pain by about 70% #i have an intake appointment with a physical therapist in march & a referral to start trigger point injections #to hopefully finally recover as completely as possible from the nightmarish neuropathy that's plagued me since uuuhhhh #going on 2 years ago. holy shit. genuinely can't believe i've been surviving & functioning as well as i have for this long #while suffering a disabling & extremely painful surgical complication. fuck my original surgeon for brushing me off during that time #but the new provider i'm working with is so responsive & thorough in her approach & seems genuinely committed #to helping me finally get relief after all this time. she listens to my feedback & is flexible in her approach #and her assistant is a great communicator who's been handling most of the logistics of care coordination for me #and what a huge fucking relief that is. to not have to drag my doctors kicking & screaming towards maybe treating me eventually #i wanna cry. i finally feel like i'm being taken seriously and cared for. and i'm not BETTER yet (might never be the same as i was pre-op) #but i actually feel optimistic for the first time in over a year that i won't just have to deal with this agonizing pain on my own forever #i might actually see enough improvement that i can start to get back to living my life instead of just surviving it #money is tighter than it's been since i got laid off during early pandemic and that's stressing me out #but i promised myself that i would put my health first in 2024 and that means only working the bare minimum needed to pay my bills for now #genuinely i so fucking needed a break. i felt like i was trying to swim through a meat grinder last year #and it wasn't until i ended up in the ER about it that i finally was able to take my own pain seriously enough #to put my foot down & make some necessary changes that are now letting me focus on Getting Well With Myself at last #in hindsight it's like. really freaking me out how thoroughly i was able to compartmentalize & dissociate from how miserable i was #bc nobody who had the ability to help me would take me seriously & my shitty boss was like. extremely textbook emotionally abusive #and on one hand that was a survival mechanism that kept me on my feet during one of the worst times of my life. so props to myself there #but it was also very maladaptive how long & unnecessarily it went on before i snapped out of it & escalated things for my own safety #it was the same helpless frustration i often felt as a kid of like 'well nobody is on my side but me so i gotta suck it up & help myself' #and i think the family trauma shit that was going on last year definitely contributed to that. idk sense of doubling across time? #and things had to get Extremely Bad before they were bad enough for me to realize that although i felt like it #i am no longer an isolated & parentified island of a child who is beholden to the whims of ignorant & indifferent adults #i actually can and should take action to advocate for myself bc i am an adult and i CAN now change my circumstances as needed #instead of just enduring them as if i'm stuck there with no agency or chance to change things #and i have a really solid support system who helped me feel like it was possible to stand up for myself to get the help i desperately need #chronic blogging

[tree-whisper]

Uhhhh …. What about Planned Parenthood clinics, protests are allowed there? What about…..

#life in these pandemic times

[hollyhomburg]

Where do you shop for your clothes? Are there any particular brands you look out for?

OH SO- this is kinda gonna be a frustrating answer.

i shop almost exclusively at this re-sale/second chance/excess store that puts together the unsold clothing from places like free-people and anthropology and the indy brands that they carry. It's INCREDIBLY local to my stretch of the woods- it's called retail 101 in naugatuck connecticut. i got a 350$ dress new with tags for 30$ and that was the most expensive clothing item listed in the store. it's definitely worthwhile to make the drive. it's about an hour for me, at least two if you're in nyc.

shopping there helps me feel better about getting clothes- because they're generally a lot bit better quality than like h and m or primark (which is what i can reasonably afford). it's also not directly supporting like- all those big businesses and keeps unsold clothes out of the landfill ect. It's helped me get some very very nice clothing for very cheap. it's a very overstimulating experience because it's basically just a football field sized warehouse filled with clothing.

i greatly recommend it if you're overly small or overly large because their greatest selection is in the Xs and Xl range like- I think i saw a size 14 jeans that were originally 400$ on sale for 14$ so- if you're more middle sized it definitely requires some hunting.

but tbh i also hit up the target clearance section for most of my jeans because they have really reasonable sales. i got my favorite pair of ripped jeans there for 6.50$. Target just for some reason happens to fit me pretty reliably- which is honestly rare because i have a 28 inch waist but a 40 inch booty.

#i love clothes and shopping because when i was a kid i never got new or nice things. #like we were a one new pair of shoes a year household #and i got like maybe 4 outfits at a time because that was all we could afford #and even then they were holey and didn't fit me right. #I give myself a budget cuz i know i spend too much on clothing generally #but it's very healing for me to express myself that way #because when i was growing up and until i was in college really- expressing myself that way wasn't really an option. #not to mention the other aspect of my life and needing to be able to run in whatever i was wearing #this is not new holly lore but old holly lore but yeah #being stalked really does do a number on you #its funny because as a result i sort of hate sneakers now like #this is just a me issue but i had to wear sneakers for safety every day #littterally every day #just incase my stalker was following me wherever i was and i needed to run #he hasn't chased me like that since like- the first week of the pandemic so <3 #healing is still happening and i don't wear sneakers anymore #wouldn't be caught dead in em' #not that i haven't tried to get back into liking them and wearing them because some of them are comfortable

[athenasdragon]

This week I've been allowing myself to be sad when I look back at pictures from college. It's been long enough now that I'm starting to see the girl in the photos as a separate person from my current self and I feel really bad for her. Last week I was putting some pics together for a talk and I found one in my second year of college, coming out of a year of really intense homesickness and anxiety, about a month into what I didn't know yet was a lifelong chronic illness, holding up one of my research samples and smiling because I was still getting a lot of enjoyment out of my research assistant job. And then just weeks later that lab would cease to exist when my first mentor got (justifiably) fired--something I've spent six years stewing over as I've continued my career in their field.

Those years I had some of the best times in my life and met some of my favorite people in the world, and found the career I'm now very happy to be in, and went on to have other better mentors who continue to be there for me, and and and. But looking at pics is like wow, I was so sick here, I was so sick here, I was having panic attacks on this vacation, this is when the barber told me my hair was falling out from stress and malnutrition, this is the first time I had seen this old friend in a while and I cried after because I thought she didn't like me anymore, I was so sick here.

Fortunately the contrast is so stark because I'm really quite happy in my life right now. But yikes. Acknowledging how bad things got was pretty much impossible while I was in it, but I can sure see it in retrospect.

#obviously glossing over things like 'this is when I found a therapist who completely turned my life around' #'this is when I went to a concert that was a religious experience' #'this is the time I went to bed with my heart singing because I had such a lovely time with my friends' #life is a mixed bag always #also for my college experience to start with the 2016 election and end with the pandemic. need I say more #my life

[falloutdilf]

life moves on and gets immeasurably better and then u miss it anyway

#life is just the monkey’s paw curling over and over again #for example: mental health better -> no longer terminally online -> i miss the fob community on here so so so much #i miss being a part of it man #but I DONT GOT TIME #IM AT THE CLUB (brunch w/ my coworkers) #also high school ending was so good for me bc that was literally the worst point in my life ever but then #my best friend moved to a different state :(((( and there was a pandemic or whatever i guess #u all trying to come to terms with never having everything you want out of life or what

[barkbrained]

You have to think things will get better, otherwise what is the point!!! You have to hold out hope that things will get better and then maybe one day things will feel safe and be cool and everything will be fine (at least as fine as it can be)

#misc #rbs okay #I’m just so tired of the state of the world and I’m so tired of feeling unsafe every day #so tired of being tired. I have to hope my body will heal and I will feel better but it’s so hard #change has to come at some point and I have to hope I can make it to that point #I’m having a terrible time coping with the pain and fatigue and mental strain covid has left me with #I want to feel okay again so badly #all I want in the world is to make art and experience art and music and movies and live a little life with my partner in some place nice #I’m scared I’ll never feel okay enough to have that and I’m scared the world won’t ever feel safe enough again to have that #I just keep telling myself something has to change and trying to believe it so hard #if I make it through this pandemic with any semblance of health and stability I will be happy #I don’t even want to think about how much trauma the pandemic has given me and will continue to give me #I grieve everyday for the world that could’ve been and the person I will never get the chance to be because of this pandemic #my health anxiety has skyrocketed in the past four years and just keeps getting worse #I can’t hear people coughing or sneezing or sniffling without panicking for a few seconds every time #I already had emetophobia before 2020 but now I have the same panicked feeling from anyone exhibiting any signs of illness #it’s exhausting T-T everything is exhausting #sorry for vent-ish post on main ik it’s not very professional but whatever this is my blog #covid tw

[breadclubrising]

This is probably a ‘you had to be there’ sort of thing, but i FREQUENTLY think about this one cultural trainwreck moment that happened at the show NJPW did at Hammerstein Ballroom a few years ago.

The show started over two hours late. From where I was, it seemed like most of the crowd didn’t even notice until the first hour had elapsed, because it’s fuckin’ New York City, where tbh your show is kind of a dork if it starts on time. To my memory, the crowd was pretty chill—the delay was clearly out of New Japan’s hands and they were doing everything they could to fix it, and in the meantime it seemed like most people were chatting about wrestling while getting plastered off $18 beer in plastic cups. 

However, as you may imagine, the long delay made the Japanese execs running the show extremely anxious and deeply embarrassed (and perhaps a little worried for their safety, given the history of wrestling crowds at Hammerstein). When they finally announced the show would for real this time start in 15 minutes, they sent out an executive of some variety to apologize. He got into the ring, announced the apology, and then did that all the way down face-to-the-ground bow of deep sincere apology. A full one takes like 10 seconds, and he then proceeded to do it three more times, facing the other 3 sides of the ring.

The crowd reaction was VISCERAL. Time began moving in slow motion as Japanese religious reverence for corporate reputation crashed violently against deeply-ingrained American sensibilities about public shame and being made to take the fall for one’s employer. The audience tried briefly to clap politely through our discomfort, as we figured was likely proper, but after the second bow began, the crowd fell into chaos—no one wanted to boo, but seemingly everyone wanted to convey OH MY GOD STOPPP PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. People were shouting ‘no! no!’, drunk dudes in the front row were wildly waving their arms for him to get up, and lots of people were instinctively looking away to avoid being forced to witness public debasement.

The thing that is so inexplicably funny to me is the juxtaposition of a Japanese corporate scapegoat performing a gesture of most profound and humble apology with a few thousand horrified drunk American pro wrestling fans desperately chanting “IT’S OKAY! IT’S OKAY!” at him.

#njpw #you probably did have to be there but this is a perfect crystalline moment in my mind #hayley and tsora and tsora's mom WERE there iirc #and i know others were too #i am pretty sure he also had his shoes off (you're not supposed to wear street shoes into a wrestling ring but execs usually do) #but someone will have to confirm that for me #MOSTLY american sorry tsora #it was one of those horrible social moments that seemingly takes SO LONG that you have time to go through all the stages of grief #hard to say what it's like now as i haven't been to a show of ANY kind since before the pandemic #but this was at a time when NJPW was first expanding into the US #meaning if you went to a show it was likely everyone around you was also a huge dork about japanese pro wrestling #i imagine that is what made the crowd a lot less rowdy than one might expect for the venue #we were all chatting with the people near us about japanese wrestling bc we never get to talk about japanese wrestling in real life #anyway

[probayern]

have decided i probably need to get my shit together a bit

#i've been sooooo. idk #all over the place?? the past 6 months #and i feel like i've finally. identified the problem lmao #and it's making me be like OH. i can set goals and do things #like i've been in such a 'i just want to have fun and fuck the future' place which was fun until my mental health got worse and then. #i just kind of kept trying to recreate that #and it turns out that like! doesnt work #i can't just ignore that i'm stressed about the future and hope it goes away lol #i've been outspending my income for months and ive been like hm maybe i want to date and these things arent related except in that. #maybe i need to grow up a bit. #like i need to recoup my savings and probably start contributing more to my retirement account #and i need to stop waffling and get on a fucking dating app #if only to feel like i'm moving forward in my life #i can't just keep being like okk maybe ? #i'm almost 26. something's gotta give #i graduated school 4 years ago and yes pandemic but i cant just keep living in this space of like this is my youth !!!!!! #it is but. i can get a little more serious #life cant just be fun and games all the time #anyway. idk. feeling a lot of clarity on this monday #bella things