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cheegu3 · 3 years

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~ Yandere Hyunjin - X31 ~ [CULT SPECIAL 1/2 PTS]

tw / trigger warning: Yandere themes, abusive relationships, brainwashing, violence, cult themes, blood etc [this one isn’t very “ culty “ only an introduction]

a/n: I was really feeling a cult yandere thing and I haven’t written abt stray kids in a while oop so here u go <3 also let me know if u want a continuation or smth similar c:

wc: 1.4k

summary: there was an active and well known cult / gang in your hometown, you had never ran into them until u did - and the leader set his eyes on you, he’ll do anything to get what he wants.

Thankfully the house where the party had been at wasn’t too far from your house. It was a couple of blocks away and once you came out onto the main road it wasn’t as badly lit as before, except you never made it there.

A firm hand was placed on your shoulder stopping you from passing. It was hard to see what the person looked like because they were wearing a dark mask. Other than that he was very tall and slender with piercings and tattoos complementing his jet black hair.

‘‘ What is such a cute girl doing out here alone on a friday night? ‘‘ he asked.

His tone of voice didn’t sound teasing or innocent, it sounded rather like a bit of amusement that rang alarms and made your gut wrench telling you to get away from this man.

You chuckled nervously and tried to look like you were just shy while increasing the distance between you two.

‘‘ I-I’m gonna go meet my brother, after uh, his boxing practice? ‘‘ you weren’t good at lying and your tactic of trying to make him scared by saying you basically had a big scary brother that would hurt him if he tried anything, completely failed.

He laughed, his voice and deep laugh didn’t match the cuteness of his face when his mouth curved upwards which made his eyes crinkle into half moons. He looked adorable to you but something told you it was often used to his advantage to get the people to trust him and then do...bad things.

‘‘ You’re the worst liar I’ve ever met ‘‘ he still had a twinkle of amusement in his eyes from laughing.

You chuckled awkwardly again and began shifting uncomfortably. Small drops landed on your exposed skin, fuck why would it start raining now.

‘‘ Well I better go. It was nice meeting you ‘‘ you said.

He didn’t say anything, just nodded and stood frozen in his spot even when you walked past. Chills ran down your spine when you turned back one last time to see him watching you - his eyes had never left you and they looked very dark now, like they were one with the darkness behind him.

You quickened your pace and even though you expected him to jump out at every corner you turned and every alleyway you passed, he never did. When you had reached your apartment you glanced back and quickly got in, pulling the door shut after you and locking it. But even as you were basically safe you still were on the edge all the way up to your room, jumping at the slightest sound.

Feeling exhausted from the party even though you didn’t drink much you decided to get to bed. Crawling under the covers you looked at the dark street below, you suddenly remembered the man and squeaked feeling very childish when you ran to close the blinds and then pulling the covers up to your nose after.

It took about an hour for you to just calm yourself down. You lived alone and it wasn’t the first time you’d had these hysteric thoughts that kept you up for several hours, sometimes for the whole night. Finally though you managed to repeat positive affirmations to yourself which made your body relax, making you be able to fall asleep.

The next morning you woke up early, sweating from the heat. You pulled up the blinds cautiously and peered out. It was dead empty and it looked spookier than ever with the thick fog covering it.

You sighed knowing you still had to go to work, you were always cursed with the early shift. When you had pulled on your shoes and clothes ready to leave the house, the man from last night had completely slipped your mind and so you felt peaceful walking past that same very alleyway - until someone grabbed you.

You were pushed very hard and pinned to the brick wall to your right. You groaned in pain loudly but were very quickly silenced by a large hand covering your mouth. Your head was spinning but you still managed to look up at the person that had basically attacked you.

It was him no doubt. The dark seemingly innocent eyes, the dark hair, pierced ears and tattooed arms. Only, he wasn’t wearing the black mask now which gave you full access to his other features.

Even those from his soft plump lips and defined nose with a mole on it made him look innocent. There was no way this man would hurt you let alone anyone...would he?

You swallowed thickly and looked up at him. You saw him smirk slightly.

‘‘ So we meet again y/n ‘‘

You pushed his hand off in panic but he still kept you pinned to the wall.

‘‘ How the fuck do you know my name? ‘‘ you screamed, and there he was covering your mouth again but this time more harshly so you’d have no way of pushing him off.

‘‘ Be quiet ‘‘ he growled lowly.

He then pulled you away from the wall and took a fistful of your hair, twisting it to force you to move towards the direction he wanted you to move in - further down the alleyway. There was a clearing there and what seemed to look like a black van with a bunch of graffiti on it.

You didn’t resist him and only followed, your panic hadn’t fully kicked in and you were still hopeful somehow - thinking that someone would save you as you got out or that he didn’t want to hurt you, anything to keep you sane during the walk.

When he had pushed you out into the clearing on the other side of the alleyway you took one last look at the apartment where your friend lived and where the party had been just last night.

Hushed voices made you snap your head to the left and you saw several more guys, dressed like him and they all had the same vibe with tattoos and piercings decorating their bodies. When they noticed you two they looked surprised.

‘‘ Found her already? ‘‘ one of them said, one that was a little shorter.

‘‘ Jesus, that was quick boss ‘‘ another added.

You looked at the guy holding you. He was their boss?

He looked a bit annoyed and gave them a silent dangerous look.

‘‘ Everything ready? ‘‘ he asked them.

They nodded in sync and gestured towards the van that on closer look was a lot bigger than it seemed to be. It had several seats and could easily fit up to ten people. You didn’t have a choice, he pushed you into the back and pulled up some sort of cover which divided you two from the others.

Without a word he aggressively handled you, he sat you down correctly and fastened your seatbelt. When the panic that you had been so numb to finally kicked in and you tried to hit his hands away he growled at you again and grabbed both your wrists with one of his hands.

With his other hand he was fumbling somewhere to his side feeling around with his fingers until he apparently found what he was looking for. He brought it up so you could see it,

It was a rope.

An overwhelming feeling of nausea overtook you and you started fighting back harder, kicking and screaming as well.

‘‘ HELP! HELP ME! ‘‘

But even amidst your adrenaline kick he was still stronger than you, tying your hands up so tightly that it was hurting you.

Then he snapped with his fingers to get your attention, which it did. He rolled up his sleeve and there on the top of his bicep was another tattoo, it had words that made you silent immediately when you read them.

X31

#stray kids #stray kids yandere #stray kids fanfic #kpop #kpopidol #kpop scenarios #kpop imagines #yandere kpop

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chatonnoir · 3 years

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You are the reason I am sane after this saltwave due to Glaciator 2 really THANK YOU SO MUCH

I absolutely loved this episode and think the writing was pretty amazing. And people saying that it sucked and I am like wtf-

I also saw people bashing Mari for the Adrienette scene saying she was taking advantage of Adrien's sadness and literally comparing her to FUCKING HAWKMOTH I-

She just wanted to cheer him up and that was actually pretty sweet. Moreover if people want to blame her for that, I think they are the same nutcases salting on Chat for GoS where he took LB to a movie💀

Anyway, what did you think of the confession scene? Because that seems to have pissed off people too (Never mind Chat was actually having the time of his life in the scene lol)

I’m glad to be of service lmao those of us in the fandom with brains really are the only ones who can keep e/o sane every time things like this go down

This fandom has a thing for acting like romantic love somehow “taints” platonic love or is shallow or an "ulterior motive" and it's not cute at all.

Marinette saw Adrien was sad and wanted to cheer him up because she loves him. Oh no, how terrible /s

Adrien wants to be more genuine and vulnerable around Ladybug because he wants to be closer to her because he loves her. Oh no, how terrible /s

Loving someone isn't wrong. Wanting to be closer to them because you love them isn't wrong. Adrien loving Ladybug is not a character flaw or something for him to overcome, the way he ACTS on it is. Marinette loving Adrien is not a character flaw or something for her to overcome, the way she acts (or fails to act lmao) on it is. The show has long since established how deep and genuine their love for one another is. This isn't them being like, "oh if I do this thing for this hot person they'll kiss me." It's actual love, not a shallow attraction. They're already good friends as Adrienette and best friends as Ladynoir ON TOP of their romantic love. Like I said in a different post, this series is a ROMANTIC COMEDY, so if you hate when things are always made to be about their romantic love or see it as somehow making their platonic bonds less genuine or expect them at any point to lose their feelings for one another, you’re definitely looking in the wrong genre.

And that kind of helps me segue in to the confession scene - the second part of that genre title is that it’s COMEDY. Chat Noir was clearly having fun laughing his ass off and being goofy doing his dramatic reading and I'm sure it was a pleasant and welcome distraction from the heartache and internal conflict he was going through at the time. They made Marinette get angry for the comedic effect of her angrily reading a corny love letter. Not because "haha she's yelling at Chat Noir and its funny when girl yells at boy" or whatever people might try to spin it as, but because of the juxtaposition of the words she's saying and her actual tone ("I'M NOT ANGRY WITH YOU I'M IN LOVE" she says while angry) and it was fucking hilarious

In addition to that we know the idea of confessing to Adrien is something that stresses her out big time, so she was on edge and acting accordingly -- people don’t always act rationally when they’re under stress. Chat Noir noticed her stress and that’s why he offered the distraction of going to the movies. At no point was he legitimately bothered by anything she was doing --- he would have spoken up if he was, because he wasn’t Adrien in that moment but Chat Noir. People take this shit way too seriously for the kind of show that it is. I literally didn’t even think anything abt that scene beyond “haha dumb and dumber” and then I came online and saw people salting and I was like “wait .... y’all actually care abt this?? y’all actually gave this dumbass scene, which was made solely to show both of them having 0 brain cells, more than 3 minutes of thought?” Idk people in fandom are always gonna throw a fit whenever female characters so much as Breathe near their fan favorite pretty white boy wrong and that has been true for decades in every fandom under the sun, you can’t ever win with those lmao

#the things people get mad abt sometimes are so incredibly dumb like just take a nap #ml spoilers /#glaciator spoilers /#answers #i was gonna answer this this morning but then the Ephemeral trailer melted my brain cells and the only word i knew was 'umbrella'

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aadi-kted · 3 years

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Worst family function you've ever attended?

Thanks for the ask @writing5ever

Hmm, well, I'm Indian, and live in North India, so I have too many answers to this question!

I'm telling you all, Indian uncles and aunties are the worst!!

But one of the worst, was probably my cousin's birthday party

She had just turned 13/14 (I don't remember properly, sorry!)

Anyways, she had some of her school friends over, and somehow we started talking abt Bollywood actors...

We reached this actor, Varun Dhawan, and I remember, this was just around the time when his new movie Judwaa 2 released...

Now, any sane person here, who had the misfortune of watching this damned movie knows exactly how horrible this is!

From queerphobic jokes, to sexist remarks and non consensual sexual acts, this movie had every horrible thing you could imagine. And the worst part was that this was glorified and somehow this movie ended up becoming a blockbuster.

So, we started talking abt Varun Dhawan, and I bought this movie up and talked about everything that was problematic with it, one of the girls, then starts contradicting my points and said, and I quote 'A guy has all the right to touch a girl in any way that he wants, she should get used to it, and learn to shut her mouth'

I'm sure you could imagine how I felt, this girl was hardly a few months younger to me, and this is what she thought women should do...

I expected any adult around to side with me, and show her that that is not the way women should be treated...to my surprise, the adults just told me keep quite and said not to get into these matters, my cousin did not back me up either....that was the day that I lost the little respect I had for my extended family

Oh, and i had another experience, I honestly couldn't decide one, so I'm sorry, but you're going to have to read both!😅

This happened at a wedding I attended. Now anyone here who is a North Indian, knows how these weddings are like...

It's the perfect stereotype of the big, fat Indian wedding. Naturally, hundreds of people attend, and its a great way for aunties and uncles to gossip!

Anyway, I attended this wedding with my parents and brother.

I wore a lehenga, some light make up, and short heels. This may not seem important, but believe me, you will understand why I added this...

So, there I am, feeling beautiful, and suddenly this aunty comes up to me, and goes

'Arree!! Beta, you have grown sooo big!! You were so small when I last saw you! Now toh you must have plans and all right!?

Keep in mind I was only 14, but looked older because if the make up and lehenga

I answered that I was just in school and had plans to attend college after that.

That, apparently was the wrong thing to say, because she immediately erupted

'Noo beta! You are soo grown up and pretty, and as soon as you finish shool, it's time for you to get married and have children'.

Immediately I froze, wondering what the correct response would be, before I could say anything, my chachi (aunt) came up, and told the nosy aunty that there was still a long time before I could get married

Right then, my chachi gained some of my respect! But pretty soon after that, she ruined the moment by saying to the aunty 'When Aadi gets married, we will ask you only to find a groom!

Now, anyone who knows me, knows that arranged marriage is the last thing I want! (And also I'm queer, so I don't necessarily want a groom!)

However, I obviously couldn't say any of this, especially since I didn't want to get disowned, so I acted my part of the sweet, demure girl and just smiled at them.

To my horror, they continued instructing me on how to find a groom, I'll be sharing these here for satirical purposes only -

1. Apparently, I will only be allowed to marry if the person is a Hindu (and by God, if he's from a lower caste, then I shouldn't even bother showing my face to the family again!), if he is from our caste and community, then the jodi (pair) would be even better

2. Inter religion marriages never work, only get married from someone of ur own religion, my aunt stressed this point particularly by saying that these kind of marriages might happen in my mom's side, but in my dad's family it's taboo

3. If u even think about marrying a Muslim, then it's better that you break off ties with your family, including your parent , we don't need an anti nationalist in our house.

So, yeah, obviously I have no intention of following any these stupid rules! In fact I might deliberately break them, just to see their reaction!

Umm, yeah, sorry for the huge response, but seriously, you guys should know how crazy my family can be!

#indians #lgbtlove #crazy #crazy family #crazyindians #bollywood #varun dhawan #bigfatindianwedding #indian aunties

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the-bjd-community-confess · 3 years

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More Divaz confos

Mod: Round two of these, previously: link. There’s some interesting customer reviews in this batch (5 and 8) which may be useful to readers.

1.Vic3mage "the secret bjdivaz vip group is just pictures of boxes coming in and going out". Yeah, between the bitching about d0llshe, asking people to post on doa for them, dunking on ex-customers, posting pics of random doll parts that they can't identify which doll they're supposed to go with, whining about how little money they make, whining when ppl e-mail them, whining. Yeah, other than that it's just boxes, and alpacas u can buy off amazon anyway lol.

~Anonymous

2.The butthurt users crying and guilttripping under every Divaz confession who have never been seen before elsewhere on this blog are extremely unsuspicious and unproblematic and definitely unconnected to Divaz and unbiased in every possible way

~Anonymous

3.idk shit abt bjd1vas but v1cemage i can absolutely tell you the shit about ch0o is 100% accurate, fucker's got a long, long history of being an awful little man that stretches well beyond his involvement in the doll community. between the two i'd still trust bjd1vas over ch00 ch00 the fool any day!

~Anonymous

4.The Z3st and Div4s thing is really silly and both entities were being shady but did they really have to take the DZ waiting room down with them? :( He had even made a separate thread about it......

~Anonymous

5. RE: BJD Divaz

I’ve been a customer of BJD Divaz since they first started, when it was only run by Chart3rline. I even contacted other BJD companies trying to persuade them to work with Divaz as their US representative. Most declined because they didnt like D's commission fee, but I was able to persuade a few of them.

I asked them to purchase a doll off DOA because I couldnt afford the asking price, and while they did, I found out later that instead of agreeing to purchase the seller's price, they negotiated the price to be lower. This significantly cheaper price was not passed down to me. I paid the full price +the commission fee based on that full price. I am disappointed I was not told this. This is when I stopped viewing them as a "friend" and instead, as a business. I dont hold this against them, it’s context to what Im going to say later.

I’ve stopped purchasing from D after my recent order from them. This company usually takes 3 or less months to make a doll. I’ve ordered the doll from D and it took 11 months. They let me know it arrived to them in March and that it will be shipped soon, except it only shipped on July, and only after I sent them several "reminder" emails. Before people in the comments try to put the blame on me for not sending a reminder soon, please keep in mind that I acknowledged the email in March and confirmed everything and they keep stressing to not send them emails because they are busy, I’ve emailed once every month since. I’ve since switched to ACBJD and Ive been happy with communication and the dolls ordered. I imagine ACBJD gets the same amount of emails, but they dont berate their customers if they email more than once.

I regret when people wanted a D0llshe, but not deal with him, I always recommended D. I would warn people of ordering directly and instead go through D. They assured buyers they would be handling communication and all the efforts so they wouldnt worry, except they didn’t. A person that I’ve recommended D to, who surpassed 2 years, keeps messaging me for help because D wouldnt reply to their emails. She is respectful, sweet and a timid person, not a Karen. This person, emailed D without a reply so would email a week later, only to be told that their email would be pushed down to the bottom if emailed again. No response, so she goes to FB and IG, who both tell her to email because they arent the person running orders. Finally got a response that they would get their refund, after D0llshe sends D's payment, but minus the PP fees. 3 months later and theres no refund, only a promise of them getting it later. Why is the customer missing out on fees when they have no doll? Customer emails d0llshe and he says he cant offer refund, because they didn’t order through them, which is understandable, but when all options are out for a customer, do you blame them for chargebacks?

If anyone files a chargeback, D will be blacklisting them from every company they rep, as in blacklisting you from buying direct from those companies. I urge everyone who has negative experiences with D to email the companies they rep instead of venting on confession blogs, and writing your experiences on social media. Make it count and send letters to the companies they represent, and please provide proof because they will try to make you out to be a liar.

Speaking of, they made vague posts on cl0ver singing for charging paypal fees, and that they offer guarantees as an official dealer, except when offering refunds, to non delivered products I might add, they are keeping the fees, and offered no help with d0llshe, even before they ended their dealership with them. Someone on DOA was told to not email them unless the wait time surpassed 1.5 years. They are even so petty that they post screenshots with the full name and address (dox) of the customer on purpose and then delete it out a day later as if they just realized their "mistake".

Before you try to make excuses for them about the fires, keep in mind, I am dealing with a business. The lower price negotiation with the DOA sale, I am in no way obligated to give them a pass or treat them as a friend when they made it clear that our relationship is strictly business. Their issues, are not my issues. D0lk got dragged for not shipping in time, others, including artisans, got dragged for being so late with communication and sending back refunds for cancelled orders. Why does D get to be exempt?

The supporters are the worst part of this, because of instead of being honest so D can improve, they support them for being "real". For example, look how micemage words it, to make it seem like this criticism is from one person, when there are people on addicts who didn’t have good experience. Check the bjd dealers tag here, you will see the supporters in the comments going off on any and all criticism of D. Some have sane comments, but the majority are cult like and try to identify the person venting as if it’s one person. Addicts deletes threads with criticism asking people to instead direct it to their feedback group; which lets be honest, no one is going to do because its "not that bad", and most dont want to join a new group, which is mostly dead.

This is my first and last confession on D, I’ve emailed each company they rep and told them my experience as well as contacting the 3 month wait company, with screenshots of my order, how they handled it, and the excuse they used to put blame on the company for being so late (package arrived march to D, 4 months to be shipped is on D, not the company). I’m not using company or order details because I know they are petty enough to try to identify me and publicly shame me like they have to others. This and the threat of suing is why not many people like to go public with their experience. They just keep feedback neutral, move on and never deal with again.

~Anonymous

6. Listen, I can't take you seriously in regards to BJD!vas because you're posting on a confession blog. If you were serious, you would have posted in buyer beware groups, DoA reviews or the board to get things resolved, or you would have made a complaint to the BBB. And your language makes you come off more as someone with an agenda rather than someone who is trying to warn people. If shipping is the issue, stop buying with standard shipping and pay the extra price for express shipping. I saw one of you complain that it sat with them for 20 days; that's probably because you're not the only one and they more than likely have a queue to check and then ship out. Do mistakes happen? Yes, because we're human. I've been in this hobby for a few years now and it seems like most people know you're going to have to wait, sometimes even outside the expected wait time. And shipping something as big as a doll is a timely endeavor. I shouldn't have to say that.

My point is simply to stop complaining on an confession board and either take it to the places previously mentioned. Posting here behind the anonymous mask makes you sound like a petulant child who didn't get their way right away.

~Anonymous

7.My only issue with BJD Divaz is how I never get any updates. Every email, they tell me to join their facebook page for status updates. I dont have a FB and I dont want to create one. I bought my doll through their website, updates should be posted on their website, or they could send me an email. That isnt asking much.

~Anonymous

8. Since there seems to be a lot of either "completely negative everything sucks" or "everything was sunshine and rainbows" confessions about bjd!vaz I thought I'd chime in with a neutral review.

PROS

-They were always polite and professional in their emails, and gave me very detailed answers to my questions.

-I got exactly what I ordered, so no mix ups or missing parts or anything like that.

-I think them being forthcoming about personal issues (only one person on staff, illness, the flooding isue etc.) on social media is good, since it keeps customers updated as to why there might be delays.

-If you live in the US their shipping is very reasonable.

CONS

-Reply times were varied. Sometimes it could take over a week, sometimes a couple hours.

-My order took about 10mo which, when comparing to other people who ordered through the same company around the same time, was about 3x as long as if I bought it direct and 2x as long if I had gone through a different dealer. I get some of the waiting time is out of their control, but it was kind of ridiculous.

-They dont necessarily ship the same day they send you a tracking number. I wish they said something like, "Here's your tracking number, our pickup is Xday so it should start moving after that" just so I could be aware.

All in all no major complaints. I got my doll and all that. Their lone employee is clearly overwhelmed. I hope they hire another person, if only to give the one a break.

Truthfully, I most likely won't buy through them again. I'd rather pay the international shipping and go direct, than deal with the extensive wait time. I'd still recommend them to someone looking for a very long layaway, though. I paid in full, but if I had a 12mo layaway I would've never known they weren't ready to ship my doll until month 10.

~Anonymous

#BJD #ABJD #BJD Confessions #TrueBJDConfessions #BJD Dealers

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sotorubio · 3 years

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God yes!!!

You know what the most fucked up part was about skam season 2? I was around 17 or so when I watched it. No relationship yet. And thought it's admirable that someone is so hot for you that they can't stop. And like. Fuck no. That's terrible. Your no should always count. And then even in the context of the SA noora experienced. Imagine how groundbreaking that scene would have been if they would have gotten it on and noora would have realized she is not ready yet and would have stopped William and they would have talked about it and he would have been understanding and patient and would have said we have all the time in the world?? Like fucking consent.

Also talking about the sex toys, like yes if they would have talked before about them it would have been maybe even like this icebreaker. But like this? Her knowing his insecurities right now coming to sex?? And then just getting over there like completely with the intention probably of getting it on? I think that's kinda disrespectful.

Do you think tiff and max would stay together a long time?

(also was he in a relationship with Maya before? Did they make love?)

(and thank you for talking with me about this lol it keeps me sane!)

OMG RIGHT??? so sorry it affected u that way that's so terrible... that's exactly why i dislike the whole concept of noorhelm so much like there r more "irrelevant" things that i just personally don't like abt it but the worst part is how they romanticized rly vile shit for a very impressionable young audience a lot of which rly saw themselves in noora.. n that's in no way the viewers' fault like the writing straight up promoted toxic behavior as a romantic thing 😐

ur idea of it would be SO much better!!! i wish we got more stuff like that from skam & its remakes... like when smth that has been set up as an epic moment like a love declaration or first time or smth goes "wrong" as in not according to plan but it wouldn't be considered a negative thing, instead it's a moment of growth for the characters. just showing that u never have to do anything u don't want to even if u figure out u aren't comfortable w it After u already agreed once! it's okay to change ur mind at any point n in a season w themes such as noora's that would be rly meaningful. like seriously in what world the canon scene wasnt triggering for noora like....??? how was that supposed to be romantic for a survivor (or anyone else to begin with) i-

yes icebreaker is a good way to describe it! if they had talked abt all of it before it would've been a cute moment like "haha i know this is silly but i wanted to apologize n we talked abt this before so 🤪" it would still be weird but.. in an intentional way? a self aware way? now it just feels weird in a bad way like tiff just went in w the assumption that they will not only make up their differences but also.. have sex?? even tho that was off the table even while they were on good terms.

realistically i think that max & tiff wouldn't rly work out for multiple reasons but since skamfr has glossed over those reasons... maybe they will then lmao 😭 like they have very bad communication atm (proven by this sex debacle where they never discussed max's feelings more + the fact that they have very weird expectations of max's role & their life w moïra) n tiff just existing around max's supposed best friends w her immense privilege that she doesn't even realize she has is not a good dynamic in real life. so i wouldn't see it working out. BUT LMAO france has decided that "in canon" not communicating actually didn't have bad consequences for them n they simply don't need to do that, they can just magically be on the same page + tiff is somehow besties w all of la mif including lola for no realistic fucking reason so that's not an obstacle to them anyway! 🤪 so, apparently a healthy relationship in the skamfr universe requires none of the things real life relationships do so they can be everlasting w/o ever putting in effort 💆‍♀️

and yes max n maya were dating before he came out! idk whether or not they had sex tho i don't think that was ever specified 🤔 i guess that since max wanted to take things slow bc tiff is "the first girl he's been w after transitioning" that kind implies that he's been w girls before that. don't know if that specifically would mean maya but still it seems to imply he has had sex before tiff, otherwise the sudden jump to their first time would be even weirder like imagine if he had never done that before n tiff just showed up w toys... at least skamfr hasn't lost their minds THAT much

#also no problem i'm always willing to drag skam w ppl 🥰#inbox #anon #not sfw

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lexicals · 4 years

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Okay okay okay (penumbra spoilers below):

RITA REDACTED I LOVE YOU

I WAS EXPECTING BUDDY HONESTLY BUT RITA REDACTED I LOVE YOU X2 COMBO

I love the setup here so much. Everyone is fine, physically at least, the ship is getting repaired and progress is being made. It's all chill (well, kind of). Kabert thank you for my life this is everything I didn’t know I needed

They always manage to really surprise me with these episode concepts tbh it's always something different and I love that

Jet is so protective of the ruby? Amazing subtlety of voice acting there tbh, the difference in tone when jet is talking about not letting the ruby go/not having let it get this damaged before is only barely noticeable but there's a lot of emotion behind it

Speaking of which what the Hale is up with it?? I did wonder at the end of last ep whether it would have been able to save everyone while still tied down and it seems like?? Maybe it did?? Somehow???

Idk if this ties in with what rita was talking about with the book being the closest thing humanity has to a true AI cause like the ruby is definitely not Just A Car

Vespa doesn't seem to be doing okay huh ;; I had hoped that maybe she'd be feeling a bit better about herself after the end of last ep but this makes sense, I still hope she manages to work through this soon though....... I hope buddy is doing okay too oh god she must be hurting

Peter like "yes come in! Oh..... you're not juno ):"

Is he playing an instrument like the one from the square on new kinshasa do you think..... oof. Love that though. Rita calling it his depressing instrument made me snort out loud

I'm SO GLAD that the dynamic between rita & nureyev is this one. I rbed a post last week talking about that dynamic of a character who's obviously an idiot (not that I would ever rly call rita an idiot) and one who seems sane, but is actually just as bad and joked that this was the forbidden dynamic but LITTLE DID I KNOW

Anyway they're both terrible and I love them

"Here's the lady of the hour" I am healed. I have ascended to a higher plane, forever.

Juno like :>!!! No I can help what do you need!!! God BLESS

I love him so much every line is music to my ears he's doing so WELL

Rita being like I love you and I'm glad you love each other but please god you're such a technophobe please this is not the mission for you

Jupeter excessive pda confirmed? Anyway cute

COMPUTER CAVE......

Idiot squad is on the CASE. Mama buddy is gonna be so mad when she finds out though fhsgfjfhd

DRIFT COMPATIBILITY

I mean not really but god that would've been fun though

I have one single complaint about this episode and that is that I found the robot voices really hard to understand/listen to...... I had to turn my audio all the way up to make out what anyone was saying and at that point the volume was making my ears hurt ):

Anyway I love this concept though & it's so fucking funny

I had been wondering about rita's episode, specifically what flaw of hers her episode would be addressing? Seeing as that seems to be the pattern here, with nureyev's self-isolation, jet's struggling with/repressing his past, and vespa's struggle to trust people/come to terms with her new way of life. So far it seems like the issue is that she's just straight up out of touch with the others and maybe a little selfish? She's more focused on how she thinks things should go than on what would be practical as evidenced with the robots in particular, idk maybe these eps rly are gonna be just pure comedy relief but I'm interested to see how that develops

Especially with her saying it's better to ask forgiveness than permission, idk I think maybe rita knows how smart she is perhaps a little too much? I love her but they've kind of gone in half-cocked here

I wonder if this ties back to her mother in any way, too..... cause we know rita's mother was, if nothing else, someone who used to make homemade bombs, idk what kind of lessons she was teaching her kid lmao

Dark matters back again oh boy..... and isn't agent g the same one that was in charge when they killed m'tendere? Interesting that they seem to be going after the same marks here

Anyway this ep was such a nice change of pace I loved it I'm so excited for the next one although I'm more than a little worried about what buddy is going to have to say about this when it's all over lmao

Second listen:

Okay SERIOUSLY though what the hell is up with the ruby 7. What is she!!!

Buddy talking about how catastrophising means you put yourself through a thousand disasters..... after last ep & considering how vespa thinks..... oh dear

"Not /supposed/ to know much about mistah ransom" RITA?? HELLO??? What does she KNOW....... is this gonna come up next ep aaaa

"Juno.... dear......" I LOVE THEM THOUGH

Also though I was talking abt this w a couple of people but I rly hope we haven't missed All of the canon development for juno & peter....... after 2 seasons of build-up having the emotional climax to their relationship arc happen offscreen would be a little frustrating so I hope they're saving some stuff,,,

Anyway this whole concept is so ridiculous but so good...... the robots.... the Names........ I love it sm. Rita redacted I LOVE YOU

#wastepaper basket #tpp meta tag #tpp #tpp s3 #tpp spoilers #tpp s3 spoilers

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deathvsthemaiden · 4 years

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Tagged by @kashilascorner to answer these writing questions! I’m not really a writer myself but her answers were v interesting+I know some other writers whose answers to these questions I wouldn’t mind seeing 👀 (I’m going stir crazy courtesy of quarantine+am nosy 🤗) warning/disclaimer/run while you still can alert: bc these qs are aimed at writers and I’m not one these answers aren’t going to “make sense” or “fit” per say, apologies in advance ✌🏽 I draw for fun though so my answers reflect that :P

1. When did you start writing?

I remember in elementary and middle school...I used to draw all sorts of random people in intricate outfits, and would get super into it, and through middle school to early high school especially I was a serial doodler who got in trouble alllll the time (I hold some petty, bitter grudges against a handful of teachers still.) (My eyes may have been on paper instead of on you but I was listening jerkwad! 😑) and like...fantasy was the 1st genre I fell in love with so I would try to come up with stories and whatnot for them but I was (am) so easily distracted and hapless that it went nowhere but I didn’t super mind. I just wanted to draw pretty outfits and the numerous (numerous) other images in my head and....still do. Writing stories requires a little more consistency and commitment than I’m willing to give 🤭😳 To sum up: I am flighty and can’t write for fun so I’ve never honest and to god began 🤷🏽‍♀️

2. Is there any special method that helps you getting to write?

(This is abt academic writing bc aside from texts it’s what I do most) I’m a mostly stationary lump of flesh and time is my catapult. I wait till deadlines are too close for comfort, pump myself full of caffeine, listen to music non stop and suffer suffer suffer.

Or on increasingly less rare (thank god) occasions when I am almost on top of things, I listen to music and pace around my room, typing in the google docs app on my phone while I type out garbled stream-of-consciousness notes-to-self, while considering the prompt, so future me has /something/ to work with. With the pacing it takes longer to write than when I’m at a desk but like. It’s less painful and I barely notice.

3. Do you listen to certain types of music to set the mood?

I have low tolerance for any slow/sad/soulful/hypnotic/crying songs so anything upbeat works and also I NEED lyrics most of the time, I have an almost as low tolerance for instrumentals. Like they’re fine but I also find myself sitting there waiting for something to “happen” (I’m sorry shcjfnfn) I listen to music while doing most things and, like pacing, I think it elongates tasks but also makes them less painful so!

4. Drawing, moodboards, character makers, music lists or none of those options?

All of those are fun, usually music and other people’s art is what inspires me to draw most though.

5. Would you prefer a big Hollywoodesque adaptation, a smaller project coming from the heart or no adaptation at all?

I usually have medium to major gripes with the most popular/big adaptations of books I feel strongly about so the 2nd option ✌🏽

6. Do you have any taboos or topics you try to actively avoid?

I’ll answer this as a reader. I have my limits to how much suffering I can read child characters in particular go through like I’ve dropped a book or two before for disturbing me too much in that regard. They weren’t bad!! I just personally didn’t wanna weather through that so I didn’t. I dropped Arundathi Roy’s The God of Small Things because of this, even though I loveddd the prose! :( I might try out her other book (books?) one day though. Stories dealing with such dark topics are important when done right etc. I just can’t stomach them 8/10 times

7. Are you in favor or against spoilers?

If the opportunity to experience whatever is being spoiled myself is unlikely/a long time coming/difficult to attain (because it has to be translated, localized, I need to wait a while to get my hands on a copy etc) I’m probably really really eager for spoilers and will search them out/ask people. If it’s something that consistently thrills me I /definitely/ do not want spoilers though!

Trying to get spoilers from me for things I love and have recommended is usually difficult, like I’ll do it you just have to show me you reallllly are sure you want this splendiddddd story ruineD for you! D:< (I joke. Spoilers don’t ruin good stories, not completely anyway)

8. Have you ever written something to appease or spite somebody else?

To appease? That’s my whole academic “”career”” lollll *shot* not to spite no! Sounds painstaking....like you need to make eff*rt 🥴 or smth.... 😬 mad and sincere respect to anyone out there with the drive to do that though! I’m just not that kind of gal......... I’m more than open to like. Proposing alternative versions of stuff that’s dissatisfied me when talking to friends (like x SUCKED it would’ve been so much better if y and z and t and v! Don’t u agree?) and I’ve drawn a few fan arts before where I like, edit character designs that infuriate me for being tasteless.

9. Being given the options “Candy Valley of the Lollipop” or “Cliff of Despair and Looming”, which one would you say approximates better to your WIP’s general aesthetic?

Hmm. Probs candy valley, Most of my ideas for drawing are like sunny in terms of mood, if that makes any sense. I love my fiction (as in the stuff I consume, not make) on the darker side though as long as it’s not like, pointless and obnoxious about it.

10. A media you weren’t expecting to inspire you, but does.

Hmm. Realistic fiction is nice but I can’t subsist on it, I need fantasy and magical realism and whatnot to stay sane, but sometimes I read a realistic fiction book and I have such crystal clear images of the scenes in my head and it impacts me so strongly that I really, really (really) am inspired to draw them (The Overstory by Richard Powers and The Little Friend by Donna Tartt come to mind)

Tagging: @howaboutswords @pinkafropuffs @adorakeys and anyone who sees this and would like to answer these questions totally should!! Tag me! 🏷

#ty for the tag+apologies for the delay!✨#tagged in #this is a lot of rambling shxjdndnnd

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hanilesofi-blog · 5 years

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Mirror mirror on the wall,

When I was a kid, I always wanted the perfect family, the perfect grades in school, the perfect fashion sense, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect wedding at the most perfect beautiful venue, the perfect kids 1 boy and 1 girl, the perfect health, the perfect kind of body shape too, the perfect kind of set of clique to be hanging out with where the jocks the nerds the popular the rich the poor the braniacs will actually kill to just sit with me and my crew you know what I mean?

I always envisioned myself to be making it as well and successful for my future. I damn hell, seen it, I damn hell even dream about it. It comes to a point that I was as confident that nothing will ever go wrong in my life. Because I was that, certained. That, determined.

Here I am now after 26 years, sitting infront of my bedroom mirror and looking back at myself. You would be wondering wether I am a famous author now? Or maybe a teacher of a literature subject? Or maybe even a doctor or a lawyer? But hell, none of it was even close.

I flopped in my grades, I rised again when I pursued my Diploma, I got myself entangled with boys and than kept getting my heart broken over and over and over again. I picked up dancing and grew to love it, got deeper into it and committed myself to it, wanted it as my career but than reality kicks in and in the country I am living in Arts is not really recognized as well in America, etc. I mixed with all sorts of people from all different walks of lives, trusted people too fast and gave my all without any hesitations to a point of losing myself and my temple, when I meant temple, its the most greatest and respectable part of a woman, the whole of a woman, a woman's body, well been touched in the ways i never imagined nor was I giving it away to ever have to be the victim, went through trauma and bad anxiety and sucks that I got deeper into a heller pit till I certainly got too strayed to a point I don't even remember who and what I was really living for whereby not long after I went in prison for 6 months seen the other side of the world that I never expected I would ever have to see, met all sorts of people that had their own individual different reasons of their sentences and well when you bumped into an old friend outside or whatever it would be on the normal daily basis kinda questions like "what you having for lunch?" Or "how are you? How's the party coming along? And your new job?" but instead it was "how long you in for?" Or "whats your offence?" In prison you don't get to even see the buildings, you don't get to breathe the fresh air, you don't even get to see the sun from where the rays is shining from, you dont get to eat on a table or take your food from a tray its from a door hole at the bottom like how a dog is being fed for their meals. Sure, you pay for what you did. Whatever shit you did, You gotta face it. I well aware of.

Coming out from prison was a relief yet it was a nightmare, it was scary to not see the trees nor grass at all and you are...finally being able to see and smell that its just refreshing but the challenges are surreal that it seems never ending. Again my heart was as open and ready, I dated and tried, dated and tried, got my hopes up and its still not right. Failed relationships were never ending. It hurts to be honest cause its not fair, you're just in it a 101% because its for fucking love man. But people play you like a card of tricks, this motherfuckers aint got shit on me. But yet they managed to break my heart because I allowed them to.

But I'm gonna stop right here, losing your partner infront of you is 1 thing, being assumed and talked abt is another, wishing you could have done shit sooner is also another beating yourself up about it is also another but taking in every single shit that life throws at you when you're out living on the streets alone is another, the challenges like I said were never ending its like a triumph. There is so much more than just dwelling about whatever has happened they say, certain things I have let go. But when you look back and you start to have that late night self thoughts, you're just overwhelmed with emotions because you never expected shit to be shittier as you grow older.

They say that's life you gotta suck it up, but here is the thing my heart can only, take so much at one go, my heart can love and hate in a split of a blink moment but will my heart be able to take hold and withstand more challenges that would be coming my way in the long run? You know there is so much only one can take. There is points of time where I would consider taking my own life. Have I done it? Yes? Did i try? Yes? Was I suicidal to a point I would google the ways to actually end my own life? Yes? Was it worth it? NO.

This post is only 2/4 of my life that I've faced and there is another 2/4 that I've not shared. Maybe I will? When I am ready. Maybe I'll find my happiness again? Maybe I will be better in time to come? Maybe I will be able to surpass all the bad that has happened to me and change it to a positive outlook of it, only when I am ready, will I be ready to face life as what life will offer me in the future. But for now, honestly, I am tired. Grieving is one thing, thinking of my future is another, numbing this pain inside of me is another, pretending I am okay is another, acting like I am sane and composed when actually my mind is going crazy and I'm waiting to burst, hunger for my passion is another, trying to be strong everyday isnt easy too thats another struggle, you're just lying to yourself you're okay everyday till you actually just believe you are okay to a point that you don't even know if you really are really okay? You see dealing with foul mouths and shitty people is also another? But tryna become a better person by heart and character is also another.

I could type it all out here, leave it on the net for yall to binge to, have a thought or so? and have you in my shoes for a couple of minutes really livin through the shit I went through. Reading could be exhilarating but living through what I went through would be another crazy, and damn this emotions.

Sucks honestly but everyone has their own different stories to tell. Some has it worst too. You could only imagine when you read my post, have you imagined living in it?

Mirror mirror on the wall, I am looking right through my eyes through this mirror, and I feel there is more to come and if god thinks I am strong enough to handle shit, than I shall be strong but I am only human and I need to rest too. I need to easen my mind. I need people to be more positive about life and their perspective of whatever shit they feel or think. I need people to be people. To be the ones with a bigger of hearts and a strong support system.

I am getting so emotional. But I feel a tinge of relief airing it out on my iphone and I hope you readers, reading this, would feel a thing or two and start tryna be able to make a change in yourself for a better change to how you react to situations.

Love, Me.

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cyberstabbing · 7 years

Text

Crime

Playing With Power - When a mafia boss, Gerard, wins Frank in a poker game he sets out to be the first man to break Frank as his pet. But Frank is tougher than he looks and his pride refuses to back down. As their relationship unfolds their feelings for each other manifest into something much more dangerous - love. Trigger warning: This is an extremely dark story involving S&M and some non-con sex. 87k

Under the Hide of Me - Prohibition in New Jersey means mob bosses and bootleggers running hooch up and down the shore and into the city. Gerard Way, his brother, and their friend Ray are running an operation for the Capo Maranzano. Rival factions are trying to take over the business, and Frank Iero, from a prominent Mob family, is sent to them as their new driver. But the Ways and Ray are hiding two secrets: their own still on a farm in the Pine Barrens, and something darker yet. They’re werewolves. 18k

The Enigma’s Anomaly - Frank is a skilled assassin. He kills people for a living. He is not meant to fall in love with someone he’s been hired to kill. He’s supposed to just kill the guy and get it over with.If that’s the case then why is Gerard Way still alive? 146k

A Kiss on Bloody Lips - Frank stumbles on a serial killer that’s been terrorizing his city for weeks, and gets more than he bargained for when his obsession comes to a climax. 12k

Promises, Promises (Don’t Send Me Back In 30 Days) - “Sources on our investigative team say this was a bank robbery gone wrong, and that, when faced with a police task force surrounding the building, the suspect grabbed the nearest person and is now holding that young man at gunpoint as he makes his getaway.” 26k

Two Industrial Loads On Hot - Frank works the overnight shift at the laundromat, partially because it’s easier to push prescription painkillers on the side in the middle of the night, but mostly because there are fewer disapproving old people around to tattle on him for playing The Floor Is Lava on the washing machines. 3k

I keep thinking about this. There’s just something about it.

Public Enemy - In 1932, Gerard Way has been making a name for himself robbing banks up and down New Jersey. Frank Iero, analyst for J. Edgar Hoover’s Division of Investigation, is determined to catch him. 21k

I probably failed my math test today bc of this fic. I just stayed up reading this instead of studying. Whoops.

Point of No Return (not!fic) - So, have any of you seen that movie Point of No Return where Bridget Fonda is forced to be a government assassin after being busted for killing a cop while she was a drug addict in her misspent youth? And Gabriel Byrne (hello, yes please!) is her handler and Dermot Mulroney (before he got all skeevy) is her hotass photographer boyfriend? <1k

godspeed us to sea - His first thought is oh Jesus, it’s over already. He wonders if Gerard will even bother to bury him. i don’t know how long this is … maybe around 30k?

Mob! AU. I cried. Not that much gore tbh.

Everything in Your Eyes - Gerard's been part of super crime for the past five years, and he's never seen anything like this. A telepathic noir story. 5k

a must-read.

The FBI Gets Shit Done - A new series that’s like a cop show but with words.

Gerard, the boss, is an expert profiler and an easily irritated man at the head of a team that is dysfunctional and somehow functional at the same time. The arrival of newbie, Frank, is what sets the story in motion with the instant hatred instituted between Gerard and Frank. Their two styles of crime solving clash perfectly to make the team efficient and productive. However, the two men at each other’s throats may be a disguise for the feelings just below the surface. Three parts, 16k, 35k and 18k (70k in total)

Thicker Than Water - Frank used to be able to count the number of times he's killed for the Family on the fingers of one hand. That was years ago, but he'll always remember the first one. Gerard was daydreaming, and Frank had only just learnt how to use a gun. Frank was twelve years old. 1.9k

;_;

You Keep Me Sane - Gerard has become infatuated with a young librarian that had only spoken to him once before, and he realized that he didn't have the usual, unrelenting craving to kill. No, He had a different urge, one that seemed a little more dangerous... 144k

I read some of this before I started keeping track of read fics, so that’s why it hasn’t been on here until now. But aloooot more words have been written since 2016 (144k now. holy shit), and someone just reminded me abt it, so here’s to rereading!

Shook-Up World - Part 1 of the 1930s Dragverse series - Frank is just a kid when he discovers Gerard's secret, and it changes his life. When they meet again by chance years later, Frank's carrying around a few secrets of his own. 5k

On the Getaway Mile - Part 2 of the 1930s Dragverse series - It's the last year of Prohibition, and bootlegger Frank Iero wants to sever his ties to the world of organized crime and go straight, but his mob connections have other plans for him. No one would like to see Frank get away from the mob more than Gerard, but he's got problems of his own--like the fact that he's a cross-dressing cabaret singer constantly struggling to keep his true identity secret from those who can't be trusted. With the help of a devoted brother, a detective who just might be as trustworthy as he claims, and a wealthy, eccentric Scotsman who features prominently in Gerard's past, Frank and Gerard just might be able to get out and start a new life together, but it's not going to be easy.

A tale of gangsters, garter belts, love (hopefully) overcoming all obstacles, and a whole lot of coffee. 40k

Here’s the comment I left - not too spoiler-y I hope: God, this fic needs a fucking movie. Also, I googled '30s halter gown' to better understand what Gerard was wearing and *waves fan* holy shit. No wonder G could jerk off at the thought of dresses. Now I want to re read the whole thing again and google all the outfits! Kudos to you, seriously, the amount of research that must have gone into writing this ... insane.

Like Fog on Glass - For Gerard, love can only come in the form of possession. If he is owned, he is loved--if he is sold, he becomes nothing. Untouchable in the eyes of the man, his Master, whom he held above all others.

For Frank, love is...enigmatic. Romantic. You can't buy it on street corners or in seedy bars on the outskirts of town. You can't steal it. You can't force it or kindle it from nothing. At least, you're not supposed to.

Love was certainly not what Frank expected to find when circumstances led him to spend his final $5k on a broken human being put up for auction on the bad side of town. Love...you didn't give that to creatures like Gerard. 111k

The Collision of Your Kiss - Gerard can hardly believe it when his new neighbor and latest obsession, Frank Iero, agrees to go out to dinner with him. It seems as though Gerard's dreams have come true, but he soon discovers that Frank's "hobby" is a little unconventional. Gerard still wants to be with him, though--if Frank's deadly secret doesn't put a wrench in their relationship. 4k

A Lap-Dance is so Much Better (When the Stripper is Crying) - Ray—and his ambiguously named friend ‘John’—force a depressed Frank to go the strip club downtown after he’s been broken up with. It’s a shame no one would listen to him when he insisted that this wasn’t just a strip club—it was a whore house. And no, he did not appreciate the lap-dance. 4k

Purgatorio - While on leave from the police force, Detective Frank Iero occupies himself with three things: drinking, brawling, and being alone. But when a series of brutal murders calls him back to active duty, he must find a killer while confronting people from his past, including estranged best friend turned businessman Mikey Way, and deal with his unwilling attraction to Mikey's enigmatic older brother Gerard. 27k

It’s been a while since i read this, but i remember it really good. It had such a mysterious vibe to it, and I loved how dark and gritty it was. Oh and Gerard makes really fucking cool metal sculptures in this one. ‘Twas awesome.

Rising With the Heat - "Bullet?" he says, voice high and confused. "Um, hi?" Frank says, dropping to the ground. "You're the one – have you been following me all week?" Gerard asks, slowly lowering the spray can. Bob's going to give him so much shit for this. "I just wanted to make sure you got home safe." 2k

Frank is a superhero sidekick who’s fallen for Gerard, who he previously saved from getting mugged. Gerard finds it cute. And maybe a little bit hot.

#frerard #frerard fic #frank/gerard #rec list

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deadcatelog · 7 years

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chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted....... i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know??

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din.

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair.

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.

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