#long long vent but its been a long long day

[puppyeared]

adhd comix

#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired #like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability #and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors #i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working #isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol #if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you #need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid #im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher #to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll #go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms #AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis #theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were #comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run #and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make #a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!! #im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need #to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh #yapping #vent

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

every night i wake up and say "this is the night i respond to my friends' messages" and every morning i say "i swear i'll do it when i wake up"

#repeat repeat repeat until you get stuck on that cycle of guilt and forgetfulness and guilt and stress and guilt and Oops Forgot Again and- #see this is why i'm really bad at making/keeping friends!!! #bc i meet someone and then they text me and then i Never Reply #bc i wait too long dithering on how to answer or i forget to open it and then its Been too Long #biting myself so so hard #mentally. not physically. im not into that. ....probably #hmmm apologies for Venting On Main im just feeling this intensely before i turn in #yet another day of telling myself ill do something important and another day of not doing it #absolutely unprompted #unfortunately i also tend to do this with asks/replies and it kills me inside every time #not as much as accidentally ghosting people i care about but Wowzah #i simply cannot escape this mental block when it comes to anything #i still have to reply to my grandpa's responding father's day text. its been a week. #wailing howling clawing my way into the cold dark earth etc

[angel-of-sweet-revenge]

When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out

#vent #its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything #i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant. #im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something- #-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again. #plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal) #and just #im fucking tired ok #and I'm sorry im a bad friend #i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some. #but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired #i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn? #and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON. #I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it #but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit #and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them #and they can lash out on me #i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not #last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend #it wasnt my fault #that friend ghosted me #im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too #but at the same time im too done to even really care #i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day

[suddencolds]

~

#not snz #more musings 📝 / mini vent: #not sure why my social battery is so limited 😭 and also so inconsistent #i feel like i can't sustain the amount of... like continued/consistent enthusiasm i see others giving esp in group settings #i just don't know how to engage in that way without burning out #over the past few weeks i've been stuck in like #a strange state where i can't muster the energy to properly respond to even the people i'm most excited to reply to #which is strange?? #(and if that is you i am sorry 😭 i love you and i will get back to you) #i think i can't even like manage to get myself into the mindset of enjoying something for myself (eg. a conversation with a friend) #i think a part of it is the stress from work leeching into my personal life #i feel like i've been working so hard and for such long hours but its the kind of work where the progress i've made is very hard to track?? #:( i just want to be off of ******* work so i can work on ******* work again #i also want to get ahead enough on everything in my life so that i write y+v D: #i feel like i haven't had a properly restful day in weeks... even over the weekend i was busy attending to others' needs #i just want a break from it all... but i dont have enough time to take off... but i dont know how much more of this i can take #i remember also feeling during uni like i was drowning #like there were simply not enough hours in a day to deliver everything i promised. it's such an awful feeling #i just feel defeated. like i've felt exhausted for weeks and weeks on end and like i spend every waking hour working on something or other #but ofc there is nothing to do but to keep at it 😭 other people can handle all of this and more #there are so many people i refuse to let down

[smimon]

Don't talk to me today guys, there is only one thing I can think about and it's that damn hug from Häärijä

#just kidding please talk to me #it's one of those days again omg #i have never learned how to deal with positive experiences so i will just talk about it to get it out of the system so it's a vent post now #vent post #last warning! #i have never realized just how much i crave and yearn for a simple warm welcoming tight hug until after it happened #like what if i tell you the very reason i started writing giant ocs 20 years ago was because i was longing and yearning for a hug #yes there is a long and complicated thought pattern behind that but without a doubt one leads to another #my troubled mind constantly amazes me with its ability to find unnecessarily complicated ways to tell me what i need #and sometimes life just gives you just that sometimes you can just have good things like it's nothing #🤯 #it's been three weeks and i'm still there #häärijä fixed me without even trying #(and with häärijä i mean his real name ofc)

[weenhands]

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#lately i kinda hate running this blog like i said earlier.... #its kinda shown by how many times im changing my icon bc im kinda losing my happy feeling when i go on here #i think its mostly in light of what i have been depression posting abt if u have been paying attention. btw. /j #have all of the images run out #also alot of my favourite bloggers r kinda inactive lately and i only feel alive when theres drama on the dashboard which is actually sad #Idk. maybe i shall take another long break or log off for maybe a day or two which sorta helps me reset a bit #but i just noticeably really feel shitty and just not excited to blog #if u rrad this far its with tongue btw. we r kissing with tongue #vent #uhh if i go for sometime. i may give out my other socials like my discord bc i am Not sharing my pinterest. and i dont use anything else

[batz]

neurologist says my optic nerves are fine/same as last few appointments but still tells me to start taking 12 diamox a day and tells me to get out before i can ask why . also diamox like. cannot fix an issue involving my veins. but idk im not doctor so whatever

im 100% not taking 12 pills a day tho thatd hurt me. past few appointments hes just been rlly wanting me to have more diamox even tho he keeps saying im in remission but he wont answer when i ask why i need the meds then

#frank.txt #diamox doesnt even fix venous stenosis . its a diuretic that fixes like. pressure and water distribution n stuff #my jugular vein is too small and the blood flow sounds are simply Too Loud. its not effecting anything long term #but its causing migraines and nausea which is why ive been sleeping 24/7 . like my life has been sleeping. smoke. make coffee. read news #also i have never heard of someone taking 12 diamox a day. especially when im IN REMISSION #unfortunately its fatphobia. my neurologist is less concerned with my brain now and more concerned with making me smaller #which diamox already did and it was hell. #anyway im not going on 12 pills a day . that will just make me more sick. sticking with 4 and just seeing if it helps w Everything #the big thing is my optic nerves r still good at least. and my brain is too. its just my damn veins #theyre simply too small for my big blood... #fatphobia m #idk tagging that just in case #sorry minor venting abt medical shit. this disease is just annoying bc i do not feel like im in remission and i feel like they just #say that without knowing what it means #like theres no more damage and im basically all good but i still FEEL sick. like . idk its just Annoying #idk annoying is an understatement its distressing but i am learning 2 cope with it #just in a bad flare up or Sick Moment idk #long post #kinda idk #im FINE just mad

[zeawesomebirdie]

So to recap the last 11 days I've:

- caught covid

- hyperfixated on superbat

- read about a million words of superbat fanfic

- watched my first DC movie (Injustice)

- somehow gotten even sicker

- finally gotten back to watching season four of Gunsmoke

- came up with no less than three separate superbat fic ideas that I cannot write because I'm still too sick

- gone to the ER because y'know covid (I'm fine btw, I promise! I'm back home now)

- came up with a Gunsmoke/DCU crossover fic that is so far beyond my current capabilities I swear on the karking Force

- started reading my first comic books (Injustice: Gods Among Us)

- written a superbat fansong because of said Gunsmoke/DCU crossover fic

- I'm still sick btw

- girl help?

#vent post #not actually a vent lmao but thats the tag #like im def not complaining here #im still 100% having the time of my life #but i did *not* expect superb@t to be the thing i wrote my first fansong about ???? #like ??????? #girl help?????????? #who am i and what have i done with myself #well needless to say my covid experience has been WILD #so #shout out to covid for getting me into superb@t??? #(cause thats a *totally* hinged thing to say lmao) #(also i promise i really am okay btw( #(the ER determined im okay for the most part but i need to keep an eye out for long covid now) #(cause like) #(its been 11 days and im still this sick and still testing positive) #(but ngl im 100% taking advantage of the situation to be a fangirl) #(so its a win win)

[coffee-bat]

hii not to vent on main but i kinda feel like my body is giving out

#really scared rn ✌️ #vent #personal #(cw: eating disorder) #so yknow my healths been on a downward spiral for years bc of my restriction #anemia kidney stones gallstones hypothyrodyism hypothermia etc #ive already been having trouble fasting for a good while now #but in the past week its suddenly gotten so much worse #when i dont eat for a long time its now gone from 'feeling faint/nauseous' #to 'i am going to faint RIGHT now' #everything goes cold. brain feels foggy. floor feels like its moving. my limbs feel numb #and not even after that long not eating #yesterday it happened at only 1pm (i got up at 6 (ofc no breakfast) and been active from then) #like even last month i could easily go a whole day #and even then the only thing forcing me to eat sth was the nausea #now i dont even get to the point of nausea ir hunger pangs. its just a sudden drop and i HAVE to get some sugar immediately or ill pass out #its never been like this. i could go on longer. i had control over when i ate #now im being forced to by my own body just going 'fuck you' #the fact that its so sudden scares me #and even outside the episodes im exhausted. rn breathing feels like effort. yesterday i was scared to go to sleep #in a few hours ill get my blood checked. then ill know if its just anemia worsening or sth. but rn with no idea whats happening #im scared #it feels like my body is giving up. it handled so much abuse from me for years and now it feels like a 'straw that broke the camels back'- #-moment. like its just giving out with no warning signs #im really scared and dont really have anywhere to turn to so. sorry posting here feel free to ignore

[dandyshucks]

omfg I'm so stressed these past few days that I've gotten eczema 😭 I've only had it a couple times before and both times have been within the past few years when I was at my lowest fhdjdl this does not bode well for me !!!!

#shoutout to my sister for telling me thats what this is #i was thinking it was some kind of weird hives bc... i also get stress hives dhfjkdl #or maybe a bug bite reaction but noooo its eczema 😭 #and I can only recall getting this like twice in my whole life and both times were within the past four or five yrs #i have not been doing well fhfkdl #G.uzma save me... i would kill to get a hug from him honestly fjfkdl #i think an hour long hug from him would ease like... 40% of my stress rn #im going to go to sleep and think abt what excellent hugs he would give fhfkld #and hopefully tomorrow is a decent day #we shall see. sigh ! #dandy.cmd #vent //

[silverislander]

#usually i ward off the mental illness by having smth solid and positive to look forward to at all times #can be anything! can be as small as planning a really nice breakfast for tomorrow #but it has to have a specific date and pla. otherwise its not real in my head #its not enough to go 'oh ill go to the bookstore soon' i have to know when and how im getting there and if anyones coming with me #and i have. nothing rn #theres some small stuff i think will be fun. but nothing solid #and i can feel The Darkness coming over me once more #levi.txt #its only been kind of bad for 2 days. but honestly im a little scared! #i have nothing to cling to rn to keep me going and its already pretty bad for days in #and like. the most major factor is that i have no control over my own life atm #i cant go anywhere. im not doing anything. my mom is literally trying to tell me when im Allowed to take a shower #and not like 'dont do that at 3am' like 'if you dont shower before 10am you cant shower today' #long story short. i might be 'losing it again' as the kids say #vent tw #delete later #i dont even fuckin know why im posting this #not like i can talk to my family abt it and my friends are going through enough as it is

[widevibratobitch]

.

#havent really been active on tumblr the last few days but now i came back to post another vent and fuck off again lol hiiiiii #i havent cried in way too long. ngl sobbing hysterically in your bed does hit different lol #anyway. what a great time to remind myself of every single bad thing anyone has ever said about my body and my face <3 #anyway i finished the sobbing till i cant breathe session and now my one eye hurts like there's sth stuck in it but there's nothing #but while i was digging in it trying to find sth under my eyelid that could explain the pain i really really looked at it #my friend once said my eyes are the colour of a swamp and by god she was right. #and like damn. i was never insecure about my eyes but maybe i should add that to the list. #but like whatever. like obv im not gonna start being actually insecure about mu stupid eyes but it did hit me that there is really #not a single thing about my body that i can with all confidence say is nice/pretty/whatever. not a single thing that i genuinely like. #like at best case it's 'not as bad as it could be'. like i have nothing lol. cant even honestly say something as silly as 'i like my eyes' #cause no. they look like a swamp. #idk im just so tired of trying my best all the time and still looking like a rotting leaking bag of garbage. #i try to remind myself that i dress funny and do fun make up and that is what people will notice about me but the truth is #everyone will still always see that under all that bs im just plain ugly and just generally unattractive #and ill never be able to distract anyone from that not really #like ik people who like me dont care about that but thats the thing. #im just tired of being one of the people that will always be liked/loved/whatever 'despite' sth. #like there is nothing of value in me that is NATURAL. its all fucking fake. #anyway. wish i were dead same old same old.

[frecklystars]

thinking about sebastian squeezing me really tight and telling me things are gonna be ok. even if i'm really scared. he cradles my face and wipes my tears away with his thumbs and lets me lay on his chest. he's softly humming so i can focus on the sound of his voice as he strokes my hair and plays with the little pieces of glitter stuck between the strands. or he'll infodump about jazz just so my brain can try to focus on that instead of the things that are scaring me.

since i still cant sleep he plays something relaxing on my piano by my bed. but i still cant sleep bc i just wanna keep staring at him. and he's just shaking his head and smiling at me while playing the same lullaby over and over. "you're supposed to go to sleep." well maybe i dont wanna. maybe i wanna stare at my boyfriend's pretty face all night. hm?? what then, pretty boy??? you ever think of that?? you ever consider the fact that you're too beautiful for me to look away from??? you fool. put those baby blues away, they are dangerous.

but then he gets serious, holds my hand and kisses it, and repeats that everything is gonna turn out ok. he says it with such certainty. things will work out. and he stays with me just like that, holding my hand and whispering soothing words until i finally fall asleep.

#vent #💕♬♪☆ Are you shining just for me? ♡🌃✨ #throwing this into the void i just rewatched la la land for the thousandth time #longing and yearning. aching terribly. missing him dreadfully if you will. #im sorry i havent opened my inbox/dms yet i am Exhausted beyond belief 😭 #and have never been more stressed in my life #but i know by the end of the week ill be able to unpack my tablet and get back to drawing!!! #i just have a lot of family emergency situations suddenly popping up #on top of [vaguely gesturing to the horrors of the last few nights] whatever this has been #and my beloved dog might have heart problems but i wont know for sure until thursday... #i need to be struck by lightning or something i think that would fix me #or kill me. but that would also fix me #i also put more stuff into my queue so it'll post more #i think its already set at 20 posts per day #my brain is on fire. ok im gonna try to pass out. gnight

[holographicbutch]

I'm going to go out of my fucking mind this week. I'm actually going to snap

#every single day ive been like 'well it cant get any worse' and then it gets worse. all week long #if it werent for the fact that i have plans this weekend id probably make some bad decisions #and its so fucking annoying how people will see me visibly stressed out and make jokes about it #i dont fucking care if youre trying to lighten the mood or whatever. stop laughing at me. #god. im gonna go home and scream when i get off work today #vent

[misqnon]

genuinely as much as I love my internship working in a christian environment where everyone also just assumes I am christian is starting to wear on me hard-core

#feeling it today for some reason. sigh #microphone effect #i should just like. tell them im not lol #bc they shouldnt have assumed but i also probably should have said something at some point and now its been too long #i just genuinely am scared they will fire me over this?? even tho that shouldnt be a thing??? #mmmm we love sundays thr most depression filled day of the week #and coincidentally also the lords day! wow. i love it 👍 i love religious trauma 👍 #i just feel shit in general today feels like the worlds against me. #sorry. vent over

[qumiiiquinnquin]

ill never be good enough at anything

#vent #events of today only proved it #im genuinely so close to giving up completely #i dont feel happy when I draw because I know its not good enough and im ashamed when others see it because I know they think the same thing #I dont feel satisfied or accomplished when finishing schoolwork because I know others will have done it better and responded better and im #the stupidest person of the entire class. some things I just dont understand but I know everyone else or lots of others did #i cant do anything right. i cant socialize correctly. i cant remember to do anything. i cant keep any stable relationships #i know if i get a job they'll ly me off or fire me within days max weeks. i dont expect to be able to hold down a job for long #i dont have the skills necessary to become what I want to be which is a meteorologist. i struggle in math and that career is a lot of math #i actually want to be an artist too but ill die a lonely death. i cant even do this class. and artists are not paid enough to survive #hell what I do right now with art in my spare time is much worse than others. a mouse and microsoft paint. both arent good enough #i cant not compare myself to others. i know that they're all better than me. and im around these people every day and see it on social medi #i really want to put my art in our shredder and permanently delete files. i want to drop out. i dont know what to do with myself because i #know that im not good enough for anything except lay in bed like the depressed piece of shit i am and end up getting kicked out #i thought about just leaving class today and throwing myself down the stairwell from the top floor i was already on #just over the barrier thats right next to the first flight of stairs that prevents people from falling off the stairs from a height #the one you can look down and see the following flight of stairs. just throw myself down from that and hurt myself significantly. #ive been thinking about jumping again. from a new part of campus thats higher than where i initially wanted to fall from #if not those then sl!t my wrist or run into traffic #i just need to d!e. There's no room for someone as worthless as me #i cried when I came home today because im just done. i cant carry on and itd be better if i didnt. itd be preferred.