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crazedlunatic · 5 years

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They’re all gone!

“Something is very, very wrong in the world.”

Bob, who was mostly asleep on the couch despite knowing there was a guinea pig loose in the house and he was highly allergic, cracked open an eye. “I’m tired.”

“You can’t sleep right now! What’s wrong with you? There is obviously some parallel universe merging with ours or the world is about to end because they’re all gone so we need to take advantage of it.” Sarah looked at him like he was crazy.

“And do what?” Bob yawned and then gave her a funny look

“I don’t know. Pretend we’re not almost past the mid forties age? We could get drunk or go have sex somewhere we shouldn’t… or even just have sex at all. I’m willing to let you in my pants even though I’m this pregnant.”

“You haven’t been able to wear pants in two and a half months, Sar. All you’ve been wearing is dresses.”

“Easy access?” She gave him a look. “While you’ve been playing Sleeping Beauty, Jake picked up Sammy since they’re taking the girls to that exhibit, Charlie and Brady don’t live here anymore… Shouldn’t we take advantage of the situation?”

“Uh, we do have the mini you running around here. Wait, why’s it so quiet?”

“I told you. All of the kids are gone. Literally all of them! Mallory picked Em up three minutes ago. She’s going to Aroostook with them—and, yes, I told them they are not to let her see my parents or aunts and uncles at any cost for even two minutes… not that your brother or Mallory would have let that happen anyway… or my brothers, who she will get to see…”

“Wait.” Bob sat up. “We have not had a day without kids—even more than one hour outside of the workday without a kid, since we were 21.”

“I know! I don’t know what to do. I cleaned this morning thinking we were going to do something with Em, you and she got the groceries yesterday, Sam took care of the turtles, and I put out random tufts of hay for Henry whenever and wherever he chooses to show up.” Sarah said. “Do you think the apocalypse is coming? No matter what is going on, sex is the answer. Where would the riskiest place be in New York City? I’ll go get the laptop.”

Bob looked around the room from his seat on the couch, very confused. “Maybe our dear president has come up with a plan to take all kids… and it wasn’t really Jake and Mallory that took them… it’s all robots and they’re going to use them for the worser bad.”

“Worser bad?”

“You know… like greater good? But the opposite?”

“You’re one of the top fifteen lawyers in the county and that is what you come up with? The state of the country really is in disarray.” Sarah joked.

“I don’t know what to do… Should I go to work?”

“Is it Saturday? Maybe it was a dream and we’re supposed to be at work… although if I got fired, I’d be totally okay with it.”

“Yeah, no you wouldn’t. You’d cry for days because you’re pregnant and hormonal.”

“That’s true.” Sarah sighed. “Plus, I like knowing Charlie’s alive the days we work together at least. He’s just so busy.”

“Yeah. He’s us at 22.” Bob nodded. “Baby, school, and a job.”

“I don’t know what to do without kids.” Sarah whined. “Let’s just have sex here—”

Bob perked up.

Sarah stood and then cringed. “Never mind. He just woke up.”

Bob groaned.

“You’re the one that freaks out when the babies kick during sex. You only have yourself to blame.” Sarah shrugged. “I could care less. He kicks me all day anyway.”

“Yeah, no.” Bob sighed.

Both of their eyes lit up when the door opened and Blaine came in.

“Thank God!” Sarah went to hug him.

“Hi.” Blaine hugged her back, giving Bob a confused look.

Sure, Sarah had given him hugs before. But not as soon as he walked in the door. Honestly, she was usually busy attempting to control Emily or arguing with Sam to get him to leave Fortnite and ‘spend five minutes with the family.’ Which usually then led to Bob demanding he come and spend fifteen minutes with them after Sam ignored Sarah.

“They’re all gone!” Sarah said. “But you’re here now so all is right in the world.”

Bob shook his head and covered his face… mainly because Blaine didn’t know Sarah that well.

“Do I ever get to meet your partner? You need to bring him over. I know weekdays are tough because Robbie makes you stay until 11:00 at night.” Sarah said. “But—”

“I what?” Bob looked at her. “Sar, he’s not doing cases yet. He has to… you know… pass the bar exam. All he does is watch me and I don’t make anybody stay until 11:00 at night!”

“God, that must be horrible having to watch him all day.” Sarah looked at Blaine, facial expression very serious. “Is he paying you to pretend to like him? Level with me here.”

“No.” Blaine laughed.

“It was the hug after the talk about your parents, wasn’t it? He gives really good hugs. He has since we were eleven.” Sarah looked thoughtful. “It can’t be your sunny disposition, Robbie.”

Blaine bit back a smile as Sarah smiled sweetly at Bob.

“He wasn’t always this grumpy.” She told Blaine, looking back at him. “If he would lower his number of cases, he would be a lot happier.”

“Each case brings the firm more money which brings me more money which really means it brings you more money to spend on expensive clothes for our eight year old.” Bob said. “You were the one who was so gung ho about Tammy and I opening CMJ in the first place.”

“Well, we needed the extra money.”

“Well… we’ll need the extra money again if I cut down my caseload.”

“Don’t text your mother or sister!” Sarah reached over and grabbed the cell phone he had just unlocked. “Cut the cord.”

Bob glared at her, handing her his other phone since she was still holding her hand out. Without even looking at Blaine he said, “Shut up, Blaine.”

“I didn’t say anything.” Blaine said, trying not to smile.

“I don’t know why everyone is so scared of him.” Sarah said.

“It’s because he’s so quiet.” Blaine answered. “I think it makes people nervous.”

“Yeah. You and Ryan say he’s quiet but I don’t see it when he’s home.” Sarah said.

Blaine looked at Bob, surprised.

“Then again you were really quiet until we had dated for a couple of months… but you haven’t really shut up since.” Sarah looked at Bob and then Blaine. “He was so cute. He used to have all of these freckles and he was so quiet but so sweet… that boy is gone. He is still sweet, though.”

Bob rolled his eyes and muttered something. Blaine didn’t catch most of it but did hear ‘always bringing up my freckles.’

“Are you excited for the baby?” Blaine asked her.

“We are. Honestly, we weren’t even supposed to be able to get pregnant with Emily so it’s more exciting.” She smiled. “I think the timing coinciding with the big move and Robbie’s dad dying makes it a little more difficult but, you know… we always wanted a big family. I have three siblings, he’s got four… and his mom is super over the moon about it… she kind of baby’s Robbie still, though, so there was no surprise there.”

“It’s true.” Bob admitted. “I think it’s because I’m the youngest and quietest.”

“Enough about us! How are you? What did you go to undergrad for? Do you like to read or are you more of a movie person?” Sarah asked interestedly. “Sorry. The last three times I’ve seen you I’ve had to run out for work or I’ve been wrangling children so I have to take advantage now…”

“Oh.” Blaine looked surprised as Bob rolled his eyes.

“Well I have an English degree from UK—well, the University of Kentucky.” Blaine said. “I’m from a small town in Ohio and went to an all-boys school. I’m pretty boring… and I love books but really like movies too.”

“UK and English? But you’re about to be a lawyer?”

“Honestly I had no idea what to do.” Blaine admitted. “I was kind of, uhm, preoccupied the two years you were supposed to focus on that in high school, so I didn’t even declare until I was in the beginning of my fourth semester.”

“Did you get a scholarship?” She asked eagerly.

Bob looked at her, confused, but must have chose to let his pregnant wife go for it.

“I actually got four scholarships but not to UK. I got four soccer ones… I turned them down to be closer to Kurt, though.”

“Brady played soccer but he’s not doing it in college. He was a goal keeper most of the time but there were a few times he would be put in as a midfielder. He didn’t like that a lot, though. What were you?”

“Center forward so the one that always got knocked down.” Blaine laughed. “But I’m shorter so it saved me from getting knocked down more.”

“So tell me about Kurt. You’re older than him?”

“Well we’re the same age but his birthday fell after right after the age cut off for schools… but he was in a graduate program at Parson’s here in the city. It’s two years and Harvard is three so we still graduated the same year… We were really happy that CMJ opened an office here because the long distance was really hard.” Blaine bit his lip.

“The worst!” Sarah agreed. “It’s awful being only ‘a few hours away’ but being so busy that you can barely see each other… and when you do, you’re so tired from school and traveling to see each other… I couldn’t do that again.”

“Luckily we won’t have to.” Bob said.

“What does Kurt do?” Sarah asked Blaine.

“He actually works for Marc Jacobs… he had an internship in school before but he accepted a real job and he’s kind of… already the second highest person ranked under Marc.” Blaine bit his lip. “Which is honestly kind of crazy. We thought it would take years.”

“Wait, what?” Sarah asked.

“Who is that?” Bob asked.

Sarah turned to look at him and asked, “What rock do you live under?”

“The rock of CMJ and the Colloway household?” Bob asked.

“He’s a really popular fashion designer based out of here. Kurt works on a lot of the pieces that get put out.” Blaine said. “Marc really likes him so he’s moving up pretty quick.”

“Oooh, he’s going to be so rich one day.” Sarah said. “What does he wear to work?”

Bob gave her a weird look. “What kind of question is that?”

“Well I read that designers don’t really dress up for work. They save the creativity for creating designs.” Sarah shrugged.

“He actually usually just wears jeans or work pants and a button down. He dressed up at first but after the first six months he just… did exactly what you said. Unless there’s a big visit or client or something and then he’ll spend days picking out an outfit to wear… only to change it the morning of.” Blaine laughed. “He said there was not point in dressing up otherwise since he was high up enough and he’d already impressed Marc.”

“Have you met him?” Sarah asked.

“No.” Blaine shook his head. “Not yet but I think we’re supposed to go to his house or somewhere for dinner sometime soon so… that’ll be interesting, I guess?”

“Do you care about fashion at all?”

“Uhm… well, I like to look nice and I have good clothes for work and when I need to dress up… but I never wear anything like that outside of work. Okay, well, not too dressy at least. In the summer I like shorts and t-shirts which kills him… waiting four hours for him to get ready to gout kills me, so I guess it evens out.”

“Do you have friends here?” Sarah asked.

“Oh yeah!” Blaine nodded. “My two best friends actually have jobs here in New York City and I’m pretty close with someone at the office. We went to Harvard together… he’s actually getting married to his partner soon.”

“Matthew Caldwell?! Oh my God. I love him. Honestly when I found out he was gay, I really kind of wished that Charlie was gay and not already married because I just love him so much. He’s hilarious and he’s always got that dopey grin… and he’s built.”

“Matt is barely 23 and we’ve known him since he was 7, Sar.” Bob looked at her like she was crazy. “Did you really wish Charlie was gay?”

“No… Maybe as long as we still get to have Katie every other weekend.” Sarah paused. “However, I’m not entirely convinced about Brady still even if he’s got this girlfriend. I’m sorry. A mom knows when her baby is in love and he’s not in love with that girl… so I’m kind of hoping he’ll come out.”

“Brady is not gay.” Bob looked at her like he was crazy again. “It’s his first girlfriend. Do you know how many Jake went through before he and Liz just dated and let us all get on with the rest of our lives?”

“Mmmh, we’ll see.” She shrugged.

“I think I would know if he was gay.” Bob looked at Blaine. “Is he gay?”

“I’ve… only met him twice. Maybe three times?” Blaine said as if it were a question. “I don’t know? I don’t think I have very good gaydar. Kurt could probably tell you. Sorry.”

“No. It’s okay.” She sighed. “So… movies or books?”

“Books.”

“Very important question…” Sarah said slowly.

Bob rolled his eyes.

“Harry Potter… or Lord of the Rings?” Sarah asked.

“That’s not even a question. I read the Sorcerer’s Stone, Chamber of Secret, Prisoner of Azkaban, and Half Blood Prince within, like, eight hours… Order of the Phoenix took longer because when Sirius died, part of me died with him… Goblet of Fire was two days but only because I had the flu… and Deathly Hallows took a week because I got spoiled and couldn’t bear to read it because Dobby? And Fred?” Blaine said. “You lure us in with great characters and then you kill them all… then you say Dumbledore is gay and, excuse me, why isn’t she mentioning that in the book?” Blaine huffed.

“Okay…” Bob said slowly. “He and Charlie could be the same person.”

“I know!” Sarah gasped. “I was thinking that! What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?”

“Uhm I went to Canada, got really drunk, Wes’ head went through a hotel wall, and we smuggled a dog back into the country? I mean, that doesn’t compare to the DUI but you already know that.” Blaine nodded. “Oh and… actually go to law school. That was crazy.”

“Are you and Kurt going to get married and have kids?”

“Yeah, eventually.” Blaine nodded. “We’ve talked about it but everything is pretty hectic right now. We’ve been together since we were 17, though, and his dad is definitely pushing hard for it.”

“Oh, I bet his parents love you. You’re precious.” Sarah gasped.

“They like me enough.” Blaine laughed, somewhat embarrassed. “I’ve been in the family a long time so they’re honesty like my family now.”

“That’s how Bob’s family is with me.” Sarah smiled and then looked at Bob. “He’s too sweet. You better not corrupt him.”

“How would I corrupt him?”

“Look at Sam.” She said and turned to Blaine. “I know that Sam doesn’t look anything like Robbie but, looks aside, he is his father. They literally sleep in the same position, make the same facial expressions… he even does the ‘yep’ thing and the annoyed ‘I wish murder was legal’ expression.”

Blaine laughed as one of Bob’s phone began to rang.

Sarah looked at it, scowled, and handed it over.

“Hey, Tammy.” Bob sighed, leaving the room.

Blaine looked at Sarah. “Does that happen a lot?”

“Yeah.” She nods. “It’ll happen to you too, I’m sure. There’s always something coming up.”

“That must suck.” Blaine frowned.

“No. I mean, it does but you get used to it. There’s no point in getting upset over it because I know he can’t help it.” She smiled. “I hope you know you are welcome here any time. Robbie really cares about you and the kids all love you. So, I hope you won’t feel weird or anything but I guess I’m kind of adopting you too since we’re a joint package.”

Blaine smiled back. “He’s been really great. You both have, really.”

“Oh, he’s the best. He’s got a really good heart and he is amazing with the kids and with his family… and he’ll go out of his way to help anyone.” She made herself more comfortable on the couch, looking at him.

“Is it weird?”

“He’s the weird one, not you. Just accept it.” Sarah laughed a bit. “I don’t have a great family either so he’s had the protective bone for a very long time. He’s the sweetest but he’ll also probably go to jail to protect the ones he loves… and he does love you. I think he probably did a long time before that day when he told you. I promise that he is not the one to use that word lightly. I think he probably loved me for a year before he actually said it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. He used to get really anxious and he can also be shy.” She nodded, voice quieter—probably because she was talking about Bob and he was in the next room. “It’s gotten a lot better since he started law and had to force himself to talk to people more and stuff, though. As much as he can hate being a lawyer sometimes, it’s really done a lot of good for him mentally.”

“I’m sorry you had a bad family.” Blaine looked at her.

“I’m sorry you did too… but you did very well in finding a Bob.” She scrunched up her nose. “That sounds so weird. Bob. But he says anything is better than Robert.”

“I think it’s odd to hear you and Jake call him Robbie.” Blaine admitted.

“Oh, the more you’re around the more you’ll hear it. I’m pretty sure only people at the office or acquaintances only call him Bob.” She said. “However, if you ever go to Maine with us, all you’ll hear is Robbie or Rob—and he hates to be called Rob more than Robert.”

“That’s good to know because if he annoys me, I can call him that.”

“I knew I was going to like you.” Sarah grinned. “I guess the whole point of this conversation is… welcome to the family.”

“Thanks.” Blaine said, a little embarrassed but also relieved that Bob’s wife seemed to really like him too.

“Marc Jacobs, though? For real?” She asked as Bob came back in.

“Wanna go to Dairy Queen?” Bob asked, not aware she had just asked a question.

“Oh my God. I love you!” Sarah hopped up before he even finished the sentence and headed to the door.

“2:00 like clockwork.” Bob laughed, coming up to Blaine. “She is so predictable when she’s pregnant.”

“She’s really nice.”

“Mmmh that’s what you think now. Give it a couple of months and see her yell at Sammy. Then you’ll see her true colors.” Bob joked, motioning for Blaine to go through the front door. “People think I’m scary but you don’t want to piss her off.”

“Nobody judge me but I’m going to get a medium. I would get large but the doctor said I needed to cool it… although I still go at least twice a day.” Sarah announced, climbing into the back seat.

“I can sit in the back!” Blaine said.

“Already down and I need at least five minutes before I can get back up or I might pee.” Sarah chirped.

“Too much information, Sarah.” Bob groaned. “Way too much information.”

“Well don’t knock me up again and you won’t have to hear it again after February.”

Bob gave Blaine a look, opening the driver’s door.

“I saw that, Robbie.”

#wbuct drabble #bob bob bob

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newyorktheater · 4 years

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part of a hand washing poster from the New York City Department of Health

As local news of the spread of the coronavirus grows more alarming (with Governor Cuomo having declared a state of emergency in New York over the weekend), the theater community has been responding seriously, but also theatrically.

Much of the theatrical response, official and otherwise, has to do with….cleaning. The Broadway League updated its statement on its website:

“….all productions continue to play as scheduled. We have significantly increased the frequency of cleaning and disinfecting in all public and backstage areas beyond the standard daily schedule, and we have added alcohol-based sanitizer dispensers for public use in the lobby of every theatre. We invite patrons to make use of soap, paper towels, and tissues available in all restrooms.”

As a preventive measure against disease in general, the Centers for Disease Control long has recommended washing your hands, and has suggested singing Happy Birthday twice, to make sure your hand washing lasts 20 seconds. The Charles R. Wood Theater in Glen Falls, N.Y. has a better idea:

A theatrical duo called Fossilheads modified a step-by-step World Health Organization illustration about hand washing with Lady Macbeth’s monologue about the same activity (albeit in a different context) to drive it home among theater fans:

This is the flyer posted in the lobby of every theater I’ve attended this past week, from Broadway to Off-Off Broadway, issued by the NYC Department of Health, which offers a useful coronavirus page. The poster was often not far from the newly ubiquitous hand sanitizer

“…I’m certain that theatre will survive whatever happens,” declares critic Lyn Gardner in The Stage of the UK> “Theatre has survived the plague in 1606…the uncertainties following both 9/11 and the 2008 financial crash and also several heightened alerts around terrorism.” Yes, theaters were shut down in 1606. “The closure of theatres in 1606 eventually ushered in a new era with the creation of the indoor playhouse. It is possible the Covid-19 virus may play a similar role in shaping the theatre of the future.”

How Theaters Can Prepare for Coronavirus: A TCG Webinar

Coronavirus Disease 2019 (COVID-19) — This page created by the Centers for Disease Control is the most reliable source of health information about the virus

The Week in New York Theater Reviews

I Am Nobody

A man in a hazmat suit came on stage, to give us the usual spiel about the location of the exits and turning off our cell phones, and I thought: Ok, yes, the governor has declared a state of emergency in New York, but isn’t this carrying coronavirus precautions a bit too far? As it turns out, though, this box office manager making the announcements was being playful, wearing one of the costumes from ‘I Am Nobody,’ the latest quirky musical by Greg Kotis, who won two Tonys twenty years ago as the book writer and lyricist of “Urinetown,” the satirical musical about a future dystopian society in which citizens had to pay to pee. “I Am Nobody,” for which Kotis wrote the music as well as the words, takes place in a different dystopian society – our own, with its “supernatural contraptions” and social media and smart phones and the Internet.

Girl From The North Country

Girl from the North Country” is largely the same slow, sad, elliptical and occasionally exquisite theater piece I saw Off-Broadway. But my reaction to it has changed, for better and for worse. There are still a good number of tuneful melodies sung gloriously by an exceptional 17-member cast accompanied by fiddle and piano, and I appreciated new aspects of the show. But 150 minutes of dreary lives didn’t wear as well this time around.

Aaron Yoo

The Headlands

The first of the many surprises in “The Headlands,” the latest, cleverly crafted play in New York by trickster San Francisco playwright Christopher Chen, comes after Henry (Aaron Yoo) introduces himself to us as a Google engineer, a film noir buff, and an “amateur sleuth” who’s been looking into the unsolved murder of one George Wong, a kitchen contractor….”Oh, I’m [his] son.Sorry for not telling you earlier…”

Anatomy of a Suicide

It’s been a battering couple of weeks, what with abandonment, abduction, desperation, murder, genocide, and pandemic – all but the last one happening on New York stages…. “Anatomy of a Suicide,” is without question an exercise in virtuosity for both playwright Alice Birch and director Lileana Blain-Cruz, with a cast that deserves kudos. But it was a show that made me wonder whether I needed a break from theatergoing.

Bob Avian, Hal Prince and Michael Bennett watching a rehearsal in Boston of “Company”

Book: Dancing Man: A Broadway Choreographer’s Journey a fun and easy read that offers a light, slight overview of the six-decade career of an accomplished and well-connected theater artist…If much of “Dancing Man” is of the “And then we worked on this,” it can’t help but offer a large, sweet slice of theater history. At the age of 82, Avian, the NYC-born son of working class Armenian immigrants, is old enough to have seen the original production of “Oklahoma!” – his first musical on Broadway. He was eight years old at the time…and largely unimpressed:

The Week in New York Theater News

Digital lotteries and rush:

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf $39 tickets

Lehman Trilogy $40

Company: Standing room for $32

Mrs. Doubtfire: Digital rush tickets on TodayTix for $35.

Plaza Suite: Digital lottery on TodayTix for $39

The 65th annual Drama Desk Award has a newly designed statuette. Nominations will be announced April 21, and the ceremony will be held on May 31 at Town Hall.

Michael Urie will reprise his role in Jonathan Tolins’ Buyer & Cellar for two performances at Rattlestick Playwrights Theater April 10–11

Qui Nguyen

MTC’s production of Qui Nguyen’s “Poor Yella Rednecks,” at City Center May 12 to June 28, will feature Samantha Quan and Paco Tolson, who both appeared in the MTC 2016 production of Nguyen’s “Vietgone,” in a cast that also includes Tim Chiou, Maureen Sebastian and Eugene Young. Told from a mother’s perspective, the play is the story of a young family’s attempt to put down roots in Arkansas, a place as different from Vietnam as it gets.

“Once Upon A One More Time,” the Broadway-aiming musical using the music of Britney Spears, will perform at Chicago’s James M. Nederlander Theater this spring with a cast that includes Justin Guarini as Prince Charming and Briga Heelan as Cinderella, along with Simon Callow as the narrator, Emily Skinner as the stepmother, and Aisha Jackson as Snow White.

Clubbed Thumbs Summerworks Festival at The Wild Project, May 15 – July 1

Spindle Shuttle Needle by Gab Reisman, directed by Tamilla Woodard May 15-27 In a cottage surrounded by endless siege, at the dawn of Modern Capitalism, a motley group of women tell tales, pick nits, and stretch out the last bits of sustenance til the Market reopens.

Bodies They Ritual, by Angele Hanks, directed by Knud Adams June 2-13

A Santa Fe sweat lodge lets loose what’s bottled up in a group of Texan ladies who have gathered for a birthday celebration. Will any of them taste that deep, deep spirituality only to be found in the American Southwest?

The Woman’s Party, by Rinne Groff, directed by Tara Ahmadinejad June 19-July 1

1947 is the year that the savvy politicos of the National Woman’s Party finally get the ERA passed— once they quash that insurgency. Or oust the old guard. Failure is Impossible.

Rest in Peace

Suddenly dancing The Madison in The Boys in the Band: Robin De Jesus, Michael Benjamin Washington, Andrew Rannells, Jim Parsons

Mart Crowley, 84, pioneering playwright of The Boys in the Band, which had a triumphant Broadway debut on its 50th anniversary in 2018.

Coronavirus Update: Responding Theatrically. #Stageworthy News of the Week. As local news of the spread of the coronavirus grows more alarming (with Governor Cuomo having declared a state of emergency in New York…

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