#love our people like you love our food

[vv-ispy]

If decarabian was a gamer he would have the most decked out setup imaginable. 2000+ dollar custom keyboard where nearly everything but the internal components are made of solid gold. Top-of-the-line pc entirely encased in various ornately decorated gemstones. He would have at least five monitors (bonus points if they also double as surveillance monitors.) His gaming chair would in fact be a literal throne. At times he thinks that video game logic must surely apply to real life mortal human logic as well and vastly overestimates how durable most humans are.

Someone save her

#carmendeiact2whenplz #gamer decarabian theory #he's got wheatly po rtal 2 energy except he's not an idiot he's just overconfident in himself and his method of ruling and refuses criticim #ya know i figured i'd end up with a human decarabian design eventually but. I did not. expect it to be for Out of Touch Gamer Decarabian #anyway he's like okay humans need food and washrooms and sleep now if I set up five connecting houses into a common room #and according to the sims the human need decay at this rate and replenish at this rate #with ten people three beds will be enough they can take turns sleeping for eight hours exactly at these scheduled times #meanwhile the humans are going 'wtf why do I sleep at 12-8 my partner at 8-4 and my kid at 4-12 screw this' #decarabian watching it happen going 'No Thou Must this setup maximizes human abilities while minimizing human needs' #'cool consider my need to have a bit of fun and whimsy in my life care to schedule that into my life and my room' #'..........you don't need music fun songs are banned everything's working as planned there's no need for rebellion' #'of course my God there's no birds or freedom or even life outside your wind barrier we could want nothing more than our safe little cage' #'Exactly you get it see the people love me good job me now back to my sims' #genshin talk

[rithmeres]

genuinely these panels are going to make me ugly cry

#i'm not back for real yet i think i want to stay away longer. i'm just here to put more things in the queue and answer messages #i really enjoyed trimax vol 4 idk something about it was less miserable than 1-3 #might have been the first volume that i wasn't grimacing the entire time i read it. or maybe i'm just desensitized now. #unironically this prayer is soooo beautiful to me. give us this day our daily bread. not bread for the week not bread for a year #just enough for today. #lately when i've been praying it just looks like #please for the love of god please please please please please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPL #things are not looking good for the community house.. lots bureaucracy with the city. and the church that funded us is falling apart #i don't know what i'm going to do if we get shut down it's the one thing in my life that's worth anything #all those kids... where are they going to go. who is going to help them. where is the neighborhood going to get their food. #in two days it will be the anniversary of [REDACTED] and i am so so so scared #just sat in my room today and fruitlessly scrolled thru jobs im not qualified for & tried not to think about thinking about killing myself #i don't WANT to kill myself i don't want to think about it i hate thinking about killing myself i will never ever kill myself or even try #but there is a demon or perhaps a ghost or evil wizard that tells me there's an easy way everything can go away. and it's A STUPID. BITCH. #please do not reply to this post i know you all mean well but i just don't think i can handle it. #talking about it i mean. and hearing people say nice but empty things. #i just wish i had someone to sit next to me. #personal #i don't want to go to church tomorrow :( it all feels so fake and i do not ever feel fed.

[the-good-luck-anomaly]

#good tweet anomaly #poetry #THIS IS POETRY TO ME.so at work.at my stupid gay job. i spend alot of time standing infront of tvs. just all over the place. #SO ALOT OF ADVERTIZMENTS ARE CONSTANTLY GETTING BEAMED INTO MY BRAIN.and honestly. i prefer TV ads over computer or mobile ads. #theyre still like. catching up if that makes sense. still feeling jsut a bit more human. i remember looking at the behind the scenes for ad #and thinking WOW!! they put soap in the glass for beer ads to make it foam up more!! they make food out of wax to make it look appealing! #they have to make such SPECIFIC MACHINES to rotate cameras JUST RIGHT for the PERFECT SHOT #THATS BEAUTIFUL!!! ISNT THAT COOL??just to say 'buy our stupif fucking thing' they bring together so many ppl #to do what humans do BEST!! THEY WORK TOGETHER AND CREATE!! THEY MAKE UP PROBLEMS TO SOLVE!! #scienceprojects in highschool were so cool sometimes. i remember working w other people to build towers out of marshmellows&spagheti sticks #these ppl werent exactly my friends. but it was still fun bc we were all really trying. bouncing ideas off eachother. working together. #i like thinking about how things are made. i LOVE looking behind the curtain and breaking the magicians code. #LIVING HAPPY MEANS FINDING BEAUTY IN ALL THINGS.so i will find the silver within the screen constantly blaring into my head. #so it cool to see ads that look like they took alot of effort and creative knowledge to make.could you imagine if it was all suddenly gone? #im on the side of robots. and its thegreedy n lazy n cruel people that want to bend a machine to their will. bc it cant yell and fight back #A COMPUTER MADE THIS BASED OFF WHAT IT WAS SPOONFED.its an amazing advancement of technology!but so was fire. #it WILL be used as a weapon.which is unfortunate.but we will adapt.we WILL adapt.in ways we may not expect. #got distracted n lost my train of thought. TILL NEXT TIME!!!!

[hylianane]

(gets ignored by my group of friends that i’ve known my whole life when i try to ask as carefully as possible if they want to maybe go out to eat with me on my birthday): :,(

(remembers I now have new people in my life who are always enthusiastic about going out with me, and try out new games and anime just because i told them i like them, and say insane shit to me like “I really wanna do this thing but Only if you’re there as well when I do it because having you there with me is what makes it special”): :D

#it only took all of highschool for me to not be someone’s second choice #graduated from b tier friend to a friendgroup in which tiers dont exist because we all like each other tf #and maybe constantly worrying about being the next person voted out of the friendship or the weakest link is like uhh not normal actually #and whk knows maybe some day the other shoe will drop and this post will feel like a kick to the face #but today im just happy that rejection doesnt quite sting the same because i now have people who make me feel like the first choice #i think im starting to love this group of people god i’m a little scared about it. but they might be learning to love me too? #i mentioned casually how theres this one junk food place i always wanted to try as a kid but my dad never let me and- #one of my friends INSTANTLY went “Oh I’ll take you there! Promise! It’ll be so fun!” like what the fuck was that!!! #I need to be a better friend to them stat like everything they do I Have to pay them back theyre fantastic people #Six people bought TICKETS. to the FNAF MOVIE. they organized their collective schedules. #To watch a movie about a game franchise theyd never played #Because two of us!! LOVE the games. And our excited was contagious to them enough for that. What the hell

[semercury]

i miss things.

#stuff sarah says #i think i mostly miss the tight knit community with close friends #writing is a very lonely hobby and it was nice having a hype crew #i went back to look at memes i made for old longfics. i miss doing that. #i still share wips with some people and love adore and appreciate the feedback i get #but idk. the energy was different back then. but i think my energy in general is different now #everyone including myself is out here fighting for their lives #no time to make and laugh at memes about niche fics #idk. i feel like this makes me sound ungrateful. i'm not #i just miss the tiny writer club i had with a certain group of friends #feels bad bc i'm basically the one who set it on fire on account of me being insane #idk. i'm tired. i feel gross. i cried in my car bc my food was missing half the order or at least what i was used to #so if that tells you what kind of mental state i'm in rn... #and on top of it i'm trying to write a heavy scene #like hi you almost died but can we talk about the drunk phone calls? please stop telling me how much you want to die #i love you and i don't want you to die. i already had someone die in my arms a few years ago i can't handle that again thanks #cool. love you. no smooches yet. let's get our daughter and get the fuck out of here i'm tired #edit: and another thing. i miss just interacting with fics in general. mine and others #but alas i'm terrified #if i go on ao3 and am happy something is Going To Get Me #there's fucking ooze there and i'm tired of it! i want to use my fic site again!!!!!!! #i miss it!!!!!! i miss getting so hyped over other people's writing and feeling like i can say that!!!!!!!!! #i don't feel like i'm allowed to anymore and it sucks!!!!!!!!! #i don't want to read and not be hype. but just going on ao3 takes so much energy and effort and reading is so so hard these days #that i know i won't have enough energy for a proper comment so like. why should i enjoy what someone made if i can't even share that #joy with them? #and i know that's so so so stupid bc i think very few people would ever expect that of others? #like i know at least for me i'd rather have someone read and not interact than not read at all #not that it looks like i think like that bc i haven't replied to anyone in forever #but that's bc i go to and then i get the shakes bc i'm nuts and there's ooze!!!!! i'm tired of the ooze!

[chloeseyeliner]

this goes out to all the people with comfortable and/or rich friends...

maybe it's been said too many times by now, but do you sometimes feel like your said friends are out of touch with today's reality?

listen, i love my friend. i truly love her and, apart from that, believe that she is the only person in my life who can understand me when it comes to anything at all... except for money.

like some hours ago, when she found out her favourite artist is touring or something this summer and one of their stops is our country, and she was so excited and asked me to come with her.

so, i check the price.

and exit the site immediately.

and our conversation goes like this- and it could be worse if it wasn't now, because it's been less than a year that i have finally accepted we come from very different backgrounds and i should tell her the truth and not some intricate excuse of the reason why i cannot attend anything anywhere and anytime:

her: "OMG, COME WITH ME TO THE CONCERT, PLEASE, IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME!!"

me: "i cannot, because of the ticket-it's, like, 125€"

**silence**

me: "it's. 125. euros???!!"

her: "oh. yeah."

and, like, thank god she understood without explanation because what do i tell her here? that this amount of money is what i am supoosed (key-word) to spend for a month and a half in the supermarket if i want to have a "balanced diet"????

just. wanted to get this off my chest, i guess.

#i very much hope she has the time of her life btw #also #another one particular moment where our worlds were close to anything but colliding was so funny #it was a summer or two ago i think??? i was still a teen i don't remember exactly #and i was eating ketchup and mustard with bread because. reasons. #and she was like 'dude i got a new phone!!!' #and it was so funny #anyway #i don't want to talk about this online #but i just wanted to emphasise how different worlds can collide unexpectedly sometimes #omg do you think that's why i love simon from young royals so much? #(joke....) #anyway again #i am not complaining in this post #i have a roof under my head and food and often heat and i am fine with what i have #because other people don't have anything or anyone #and i am lucky #that's all #long rant #?? #rant #sorry i had to #rich people

[elytrafemme]

someone remind me to post a really bizarre comment i got on ao3 here bc im reeling but first. one thing i like abt college (at least my college experience so far) is truly nobody gives a Single Shit. like my textural issues and picky eating made me nervous that ppl would be weird but like no we make light hearted jokes about me eating a full plate of plain pasta. i can experiment w new things and if i dont like it thats okay. i just made myself plain pita bread and my roommate saw me and i was like oh shit do i have to explain and so i told her a bit abt it and shes like no thats so real im heating up a popeyes leftover rn. like nobody cares about what i do and don't eat and if they invite me somewhere w food i dont want i can just decline and Oughhgh i fucking LOVE college bro

#nightmare.personal #i both hate college (the institution) and love college (the mental health relief of being here) #my college for unrelated reasons fucking SUCKS but #hehe people so niceys here... #also i was nervous ppl would be like why aren't you eating a diverse array of foods but #i have only received positive comments abt me getting stacks of cucumber slices instead of a salad #and my buddy eats basically the same meal every time we get lunch together so like he does not care either #ppl eat what they want and its so! <3 yeah #also even tho the dining hall is rated like shit here i actually like the dining hall food which means #auspicious prospects for literally every other school bc i know objectivley ours is ASS #but i do go crazy for their rice despite everything

[nerdynikki94]

BITTERSWEET RANT ABOUT QUEER (MLM) CHARACTERS IN CURRENT MEDIA

I used to think it was impossible for me to hyperfixate on a show/ship without reading and writing nonstop fanfic about it. But then, a year and a half ago, I watched OFMD and I staunchly refused to read or write any fanfic, because I needed to wait it out and see how the amazing writers planned the story to continue. (I'm ecstatic for October 5th.)

I still considered myself to continue obsessing over my queer ships, especially when I watched Galavant and fell into a bit of a Richard/Gareth hole (but there are very few fics, I planned to write one but kept going back to my Macden fics).

Then, I watched Hannibal, and I tried to read fics, planned one too, but I just couldn't get into it, and preferred obsessively rewatching the show instead.

Now I'm literally refreshing fanvids of our Ineffable Husbands from Good Omens on YT daily, but completely unable to even glance at fics.

It's funny to think how far we are coming with queer characters in media, and I'm just so excited to see shows that refuse to queerbait. They aren't using a viewership by playing with never-ending hints and nods but zero follow through. They are acknowledging that acts of abandonment or betrayal have consequences, regardless of the initial intentions. They refuse to do that kind of disservice to the respective narrative journeys of these characters.

Yes, they may be angsty and a bit sad right now, but Goddammit, we are finally getting sincere, star-crossed gay love stories. Tragic, but not in your typical heartbreaking Brokeback Mountain -esque media from the past (no hate, love the movie, thought the short story was okay).

These queer love stories are giving the same kind of painful passion as some of the best dramatic romances around (one of my fave genres). What a time to be alive! Because it's not an unhappy ending until it ends. The best love stories have to have nearly impossible obstacles. That is how the relationships are tested.

Just thinking about how I've always hyperfixated in the past vs. how I do now. I realized it's because I finally have hope. I can't consume fics because I trust the creators and writers of canon so explicitly that I know they will continue showing how they respect the viewers while also acknowledging the significance, the absolute necessity of delving into the arcs and development the characters need to find within themselves.

I believe David Jenkins and Neil Gaiman are determined to do right (as Bryan Fuller would be, if ever given the chance to continue), not by all the vastly different opinions of the countless countering fans, but by the way they have shown genuine acknowledgement to the romance and enough respect for the love interests to make them face challenges that help them grow. Queer characters are the leads' now, and they are fully-formed yet ever-changing, unique representations, flirting with fun stereotypes, without reducing them to the worst and most inaccurate social stigmas.

So, I'm ever-resolute to hold out for canon, because I don't want to get my head so full of incredible fanfic that I have my opinion change from constantly switching perspectives.

These writers are changing the game so much that I can't help but trust that - even beyond just the romantic aspect - they actually care about the development of the characters, they aren't defined by just being gay, they are complex.

In other words, I'm in a perpetual state of refreshing Macden fic updates every time I want to read something, and trying to conjure the desire to write again, so I can get back this other Macden fic, after having spent the past two years straight writing the most fics I have for any ship in my entire life.

But, yeah, it's totally crazy to realize that the reason I can not read any of the amazing fics out there for Our Flag Means Death, Hannibal & Good Omens is because these shows are already so enthusiastic and welcoming of their queer characters.

#our flag means death #Hannibal #Good Omens #crazy to actually feel like there are shows that care about queer characters and don't lie to the audience #like i didn't know it could be done #if you can't tell I'm really fucking salty. S16 made me really mad. #i just started thinking about all the times rm said that 'this season Mac gets a bf' all for it to be actual bullshit. #like i don't care if people come for me. i love macdennis for what it could've been. bcuz it ain’t ever going canon. #not just that.mac won't ever get a bf or a gay onscreen kiss. bcz r.m. wants mac obsessing over denial den. to keep mac gay & never show it #i feel like he just had him come out bcz of S11E10s backlash & to maintain ally status while using the identity as fodder for endless jokes #16 Seasons & character regression I just don't think it's going to happen. especially post strike.too risky.can't alienate the dudebros #dennis is cartoonishly far in denial. like how can anything ever happen with the guy who excused cyberfucking his roommate for food. #& he never gets called out on it. S5 Dee would've jumped on his ass for that.now the dialogue ignores it & instantly wipes the slate clean

[yu3s]

** i think reading dungeon meshi and frieren and witch hat atelier at the same time does something irreversibleto you... .

#yu.txt #relistening to the wizard the witch and the wild one too so whatever happens to me after this will unthread/resew the fabric of my existenc #do you see it? do you see the vision? im pacing around the house humming “your eyes are the size of the moon” from a song i used to hear #on the radio as a kid and i'll look up the lyrics later but i finally get itnow. i get why people were making posts about senshi and cookin #and nourishing yourself!! eat a balanced diet rethink your lifestyle rhythms get proper exercise!! yes sir senshi dungeon meshi sir!! #my dnd group is going to get my best character yet im putting notes in the character sheet as speak for devouring and consuming and becomin #song was nine in the afternoon btw. i have to write i have to make a story i have to make the most diabolical au to ever exist i have to #i love you stories i love you stories i love you stories if stories were a food i could eat them forever and ever i would always be cooking #and baking and sharing and the table would be full and the meals would be filling and i would try so many things and find what i liked best #this post was brought to you by: the birds are chirping but its not tomorrow morning until i go to sleep. with a note from our sponser: #i don't have work tomorrow and nature is healing. i need to make a little wizard sketch bc dungeon meshi was so good and also i m going to #sleep and when i wake up im going to write something and it will be so fun i love you making stuff i love you stories i love you writing!!

[silverselfshippingchaos]

k.abru d.ungeon m.eshi the man that you are...

#ash rambles 💚 #eyes the color of the sky 💙 #he's handsome... tis just a crush but he's quite charming! I've been into him for many many months now! #i know it's a silly thing but. ever since the anime came out and the series has been getting more popular i feel oddly protective over him #i think it's because he's brown tbh #i just. as a brown person too i feel a very strong connection to him and i feel the need to protect him from shitty fandom takes LMAO #and it's a tiny thing too but as an indian person i can see him as indian as well #if you look at some of the food he describes having eaten.. that sounds like shit i have you know? #us folks dont get much representation #especially people like me who are punjabi. when have i ever seen someone of my race in media? hell even in this community? #it's such an alienating experience. #anyways back to k.abru #your honor i adore him he is so neat! #also i just love his hair ajdhajsj we have similar hair textures! granted i straighten my hair usually but shhh #dunno how this ended up a ramble about race.. sorry y'all LMAAOO just smth i have a lot of thoughts abt #ily k.abru our desi king #but fuck all that #i just really wanna kiss him #i know i always tease him for his blue eyes #say they're piercing into my soul and all that #and um. dont tell him i said this but #(whispers) his eyes are so pretty

[quietzones]

beezebelb and gabriel going off to alpha centuri because crowley said they should is so funny. like you just gave the honeymoon plans you booked years in advance to your ex boss and your partners weird colleague that you hate. and you did this even before your own proposal flopped

#like did you let them have it because you want to stay on earth? with aziraphale? running away no longer the ideal? #you two can have it we’ll find someplace else to settle #a place where aziraphale can keep the bookshop and the food and the humans he likes and you can keep the car and be with him #and perhaps one day you’ll drive to the countryside and find yourselves a cottage #really hasnt it always been about preserving what aziraphale loves? #after all you always have what you love so long as you’re with him #doesnt really matter to you what happens to the earth. just that you can stay as you are and for aziraphale to keep the things he loves #and after everything you’ve done to preserve these things. the bookshop. the earth and its people. his goodness and morality. #out of love and devotion to your one person. to keep what you two have for eternity. for aziraphale never to be unhappy or without you #as you cannot be without him #when he says nothing lasts forever it all becomes meaningless doesn’t it? #these acts unappreciated. everything you’ve built together torn down. the struggle to keep such a relationship alive become futile #subverting war between your opposing kinds and thwarting the apocalypse so you two can stay together and not be parted? #well actually all you've done to protect the earth and what it represents. to reject the woes of heaven/hell. its all been for naught. #all you’ve done for love didn’t matter. didn’t make a difference. #even the bookshop will cease. something you thought would keep aziraphale there — with you — when you alone aren't enough to make him stay. #what was once ‘my own side’ had become ‘our side’ and now it’s just you once more #what is left for just you when you’ve built everything around being an ‘us’. always just ‘us’ #even if earth burned and everything aziraphale loved went to waste - there could still be 'us' #off to alpha centuri where you’d only have eachother #that would be enough for you wouldn’t it? #even though it wouldn’t last #you both hold onto naive hopes #running away together would solve everything. one kiss would solve everything #so you must’ve been saying to yourself: whats the point of saving whats doomed to fail? #whats the point of loving when nothing lasts forever #gomens #qzth

[daeluin]

hey hey

remember the other day when biden's top adviser for the latam region talked about the lithium in Argentina as 'ours'????

#fun times!!!! #i love it when they don't even bother to lie #just straight up letting us all know they consider our natural resources theirs lol. lmao even #us imperialism #and then you have shit propagandist like the economist publishing their op Ed's and articles like 'why argentina won't leave its crisis' #like idk fam maybe bc your country's stated policy for the last 150 years as been to systematicly fuck our economy so you can steal from us? #just food for thought #hahahahahaha #anyways people should be more watchful about the situation wrt the lithium in latam #how quickly we have forgotten about elon musk and the usa stagging a coup in Bolivia over it that ended with +50 deaths #the worst is they don't even have to go that route there. we have enough cipayos and dumbasses to do their dirty work

[steelycunt]

my uni flatmates will leave a half-full can of open baked beans out on the side in the kitchen for two weeks and then turn to me and go omg!! you go home sooo often haha you’re like never here!! like yeah babe i know…you guys are cultivating new fungal ecosystems in our kitchen i need to return to civilisation and clean surfaces…

#i love most of them very dearly but well. the state they leave our flat in…at our big age… #had to have a sincere discussion with one of them about how food you dump in the sink that is too large to be washed down the drain will not #magically disappear you actually have to. remove it unless you want it to rot there like…we are adults…you are studying biochemistry…darling #september will b better when i can move into a place i will not be. embarrassed to have people round to but until then. some of them need to #pattern idk #(ridi's) bigmouth strikes again

[mejomonster]

If enough of you hype me up with (hopefully not false) promises, I will watch Hannibal and liveblog it

Caveat: I like horror but I have a lot of sad tummy health issues so if for some reason the food scenes get too triggering it will just not be the show For me which is okay. Just means I won't finish the show

#rant #hannibal #i mean. im watching riverdale now to figure out if i actually like it so. why the fuck not #and regarding tummy issues? #lets just say somrtimes people sharing a meal or enjoying the cooking process reminds me of sad fuckef up stuff i go thru #so like yes even Our Dining Table and Beyond Evil diner scenes sometimes Hurt alas :c #so like. if hannibal makes it so divorced ftom sharing a loving meal? wooh good for me #if hannibal does likr many stories and equates food to a love language? if its done too frequently i may not be able to watch show #which is the BIGGEST reason i havent watched it yet to be frank with you #seeing people bond while eating makes me hella depressed #cause i wish i could do that too but all too often i cant #cause my tummy actively hates me

[peapod20001]

I like to think that if my tumblr pals came to my house, they’d have a good time

#random post #I don’t mean that as in ‘yea woo let’s party and get fucked up’ like no lol #I just mean. our house is a place where people get along #there’s no expectations here. wanna sit and talk? we can hang out and talk about whatever #wanna play a game? chances are a few other people do to #need to get away for a bit and maybe take a nap? we’ve got plenty of beds take your pick. we’ll make sure no one bothers you #hungry or thirsty? help yourself don’t be shy. we can always get more #like we had ppl over on Saturday and it was so FUN like ppl would talk all together and then different conversations would split off of that #we would go outside then back in. we had food and some ppl had alcohol #we were laughing SO hard about funny shit (like discovering that my sisters bf worked on the gas meter at grandpas but didn’t SAY ANYTHING #ABOUT IT LMFAO) my cousin brought his gf to meet everyone and she just fit in perfectly and so obviously had an obsession for animals #her and my sister were like sudden bffs it was hilarious. my brother and younger cousin ate at 2:40 and slept upstairs till 6:00 #and all we did was turn of the light and put on a fan for em lol. crack up at how comfortable they were #me and my lil sister were walking up and down the driveway talking and looking at the stars. the nap duo were pointing out constellations #when most everyone left it was my household and my sister and her bf. she played uno flip and incoherent with me (usually no one does lol) #and we laughed very hard at all of the adult cards. one of the hints she gave for sidechicks was ‘sad used to have a lot of these’ and #I immediately got it. it was fun. we blasted music from the 2000’s and ate bread #I slept for 11 hours that night lmao and I was tired the next day but I wouldn’t have changed it. I like them lots #it’s days like that that make me think I’m more extroverted than introverted. just because I don’t always know what to say doesn’t mean #I don’t like to talk yn? anyways I’m writing a novel in the tags but I don’t care <3 I just love us and I wish #other people were able to have love and fun times often #I hope this doesn’t sound like me bragging about my home life. trust me I know it’s not some shining light in the darkness or whatever #but it’s something. and I don’t mind sharing my love with other people

[solaaresque]

day 874392857 of ??? where i am so fucking tired of this house and the people inside it that killing myself is looking better and better each day :/

#reze stfu #god i honestly. idk what to say #my parents aren't bad in terms of it. they're pretty good as far as parents go #but like. imso fucking tired of being expected to act and talk a certain way. yes. i am your first child #that is exactly the reason i am so fucked up!! because you didnt know how to deal with children when you had me an i was basically a... #idk. an experiment or wtv #I WISH THEY COULD UNDERSTAND THAT !! #i know there is something wrong with me. because i've been told that. to my face. repeatedly #and people wonder why my self esteem is so low :/ #maybe if you didnt amke me question my fucking existance i wouldnt be this way. you ever thought of that?? #just two more years . i gotta hanf on for two more years. thats all. thats all. and them im our im out of this house #maybe ill like them better when i dont see tjem everyday #god i love being deathly terrified of my own parents. sometimes i dont even think i love them. i think im just so scared of them #that ive deluded myself into thinking that i love them and theyd never do anything to hurt me #despite KNOWING that isnt true #and its worse when my sisters have to deal with the fallout like. im used to being the buffer. i can deal with that. but please please #please dont expect me to parent. dont expect me to take your place. side eyes my father #WHY am i the most responsible person in that house??? #you expect me to trust you ??? after you left 2 10 year olds alone in a playground in the hot sun for 3 hours with no food no water no money #no way back home??? and you fucking forgot about them???? and i had to remind you???????? #i dont know. maybe im just lashing out. maybe im just tired of being the fuckup #its hard to be proud of yourself when you end up being told that there is something about you that is not right in the head ykwim? #ugh im sorry for ranting i just. idek what set me off and now i have nail marks in my arm and my skin is raw again #and my eyes are bloodshot. so i guess. ill be crying myself to sleep again. yay #that is if i even GET to sleep. i just wasted 20 mins i couldve used to be working having a mental breakdown. fun fun #tw suicide #tw vent