#love the idea of whoever signed the waiver god being someone who thought they were immortal | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

soulful-ofevans · 7 years

Text

Back Where I Belong - Chris Evans

request: Can you do an imagine where the reader and Chris are dating and she meets him at the airport after he's been away filming for months?

people: Chris - Reader (You)

warnings: FluFFY

word count: 1000+

a/n: This is a request that someone asked so long ago, I’m so sorry I neglected your request, anonymous person! Thank you for this lovely idea, though, I’ve had this tucked away for so long.

“These seats are hurting my ass. God, now I know why airport seating is so fuckin’ painful, they want you to be motivated so you haul ass to get to the plane,”

I stopped to laugh at my joke, chuckling loudly enough to awaken the elderly lady next to me who was waiting for something she was not willing to talk about.

“Would you, for the millionth time, shut up! It’s three in the morning!” Across from me was this bitchy woman around my age, most likely a lot older. She had this weird orange hair, that I knew was dyed but she still had ginger-like looks to her face. She had the whole nine yards of freckles, ginger-tinted brows, and even wore green just to brighten her orange complexion.

“No! It’s three in the morning and I’m here because I’ve got someone to pick up that I’ve been waiting for. For four months!”

The Irish-wannabe looked at me and smirked, giggling to herself like I wasn’t ten feet away from her. “Who are you picking up? Your boyfriend you ordered off some sex website?”

Jesus, when will Flight 4301 land, dammit! I don’t have time for this!

Smiling sweetly, I got up and grabbed my bag along with my third cup of Starbuck’s black coffee. “Yes, you got me Lucky Charms, I ordered a sex companion. His name is Julio and we’re gonna get married in Vegas. Good day.”

Ginger-snap wasn’t fast enough to shut her wide opened trap that had fallen when I was quick to reply to her. Walking off I went to sit at another set of empty seats, hopefully not causing controversy with whoever lands up near me.

Chrispy Creme: I land at BOS @ 4:45 baby! Sorry it’s so early :/ I love you xxx

It was two to forty-five and no signs of his flight were announced. Deciding to let it be, I plugged in my earphones and brought up my Itunes, clicking on a much-needed song right now, one that would ease the ache of Chris’s arm not being wrapped around my waist right now. It would numb my lips that could almost feel the pressure of lips on mine.

Humming along to the beat of Alicia Key’s ‘If I Ain’t Got You’ I closed my eyes that burned with lack of sleep. I hadn’t even slept all night because I got too excited about Chris finally coming back home. So I made myself an espresso and watched musicals that would make me stay awake because I could never sit through one without getting up and dancing to the beat of the melody or singing along with the cast. I was hitting my breaking point, though, my head throbbed, and my ass still ached, my eyes were burning with tears now, from sleep-induced stress. I felt my chin waiver as I silently prayed for Chris to just get here soon, I was waiting for him, Dodger was waiting for him. Then tonight there’d be a huge surprise party for him courtesy of Lisa, Carly, Shauna, and I. My fingers roughly rubbed my sunken eyes, I cannot fall asleep! No Sleep, no sleep, no sleep-

“Flights 4305, 4308, and 4301 have arrived. The gates are open for you to pick up your guest, thank you for choosing Boston’s Logan Airport. Have a nice day!” With that I grabbed my bag and abandoned my coffee, running to the sea of people who seem to have magically just appeared out of nowhere.

Now, I’m not the tallest bean in the stock so my only resort of finding Chris was jumping up and trying to get a glance of a NASA Cap, some blonde hair with ashes of brown in it, or those blue eyes that we're quite hard not to miss.

After my twelfth jump with no such luck of a glimpse of him, I gave up on that plan and went with sour plan b. “Humph..Ugh! Fine, people. I’ll go to the back you asswipes.”

Leaving the crowd I went to the terminal area, watching the people pass by with their collected loved ones as I stared at them angrily, pissed that I wasn’t one of the lucky ones. I didn’t lose hope, though, I waited for a good twenty minutes before finally, I caught sight of a very familiar looking button down.

I don’t know whether it was the possible dangerous amount of coffee in me or just the adrenaline of seeing him again but I bolted down the hall.

“Chris!” I yelled just in time to have him catch me in his arms, wounding me tightly around his hips. I was a koala bear that refused to let go of him. The numbness of my subsided when he kissed me fervently, almost clawing at my hair with a desperation to be closer to me, than he already was. we already were.

Pulling back just enough to let himself whisper breathlessly to me, I couldn’t help but kiss away the tear that leaked from his glassy eyes. “You..have no idea...how long... I’ve waited for this.” Beaming with a smile that hurt my cheeks I laughed sneaked a kiss from him again.

“Oh love, you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for you… but… now that I have you back-”

“Oh I’m never fuckin’ leaving again, that’s for sure.” Both of us burst out laughing at Chris’s words.

I let my feet hit the ground and soon we became just another couple walking out of the terminal, smiling with each other’s arm wrapped around their waist. We looked so ordinary, so normal. No one asked Chris for a photo or even a question. They just smiled as we passed, on our way to my car in the parking lot.

I felt Chris let out a sigh of relief, feeling his fingers dig into my hip a bit, as we walked out of the airport. “It feels good to be back home...”

“It feels good to just have you here...” Chris smiled down at me when I softly answered back to him.

I stole another glance at him again, just wanting to see that face once more. Letting it sink in that he was actually finally here. Finally in bed with me at night, eating my terrible made up foods, and listening to my awful karaoke. I let a few tears fall to the earth, not caring if my mascara made me a raccoon or not.

All that mattered was he was here with me. His burly arm around my lower waist, cuddling into me like no time had placed since he’d last held me like this.

“I can’t believe I went so long without seeing your face, Y/N. God, it hurt sometimes just to think of seeing you on skype at night because I couldn’t reach in and just grasp your hand,” His arm left my waist and he took my left hand into his right, interlocking our fingers. “Or just see your eyes in the real sunlight... I don’t know how you summoned the strength because I sure as hell was caving in on week three...”

Giving only a smile, sincere smile, I kept his hand clasped with my own, holding his palm just a bit tighter to mine as I felt my throat tighten with a sob I refused to release. “Oh love,” I replied. Staring at his beautiful face while Chris looked at the sun rays starting to beam their light down on us, letting the skies lighten with a blue color so beautiful it lifted his spirits even higher.

Just looking at his widening eyes, and dopey smile and felt a sob and chuckle come out at once. God, I’m in love with this man...How did I get through these months away from him? Lord knows it was spent sometimes with my face in a pillow or my body tucked under the sheets all day... all of it, though, I’d do again and again just to be able to hold that face...

How hard was it to be away from you, Chris?

Love, you have no idea.

Tell me your thoughts! I wrote this on a whim so constructive criticism is always welcomed haha! - R .xx

tagged: @boredoutofmymindstuff @iamimanim @hibaabdo@oneshots-imagines-and-that @neonwolf2020 @toc1985 @mculove1@chrisevans-imagines @ptprocrastination @evansscruff@jamesgiuseppe @boston-boy-evans @writingcreatingstorytelling@username-evie@imaginingbucky@boredoutofmymindstuff@shamvictoria11@ateliefloresdaprimavera@raveviolet @i-am-cass-1@tranquilsouls-riotousthoughts@myluvislikewow @nalatheshadequeen @not-your-cup-of-joe @musiccoffebook @nea90sweetie @jinxx-ed13 @j-jewel-l@ethereal-beaut-y @jemjemiansworld@hiddenavengers@itsteph13@rachael-othman @abigrumple @jasli123@jamesboobchananbarnes1234@emmucz @happelu970@amandulie@bisexualbuddhist@imaginesofdreams @teacoffeebooks@chrisevans-sexualfrustrations @stylesnbarnes@bsicthought@captainmqmeep@marrish-af @100acresofwood @missmotherhen@science-of-deduction-sh @sireanscall@crapythings@batmanbreeann@amyyleblanc1999 @coldeath@hhedegard@happelu970 @hollycornish@justanneforyou@ramiramblings@training-wolves@dracodormiensnunquamtitillandush@oneshots-imagines-and-that@coldplaylover17-blog@amandulie@whatmakesmebeme-tblr@giftofdreams @sfreeborn@winters–doll @purplekitten30

295 notes · View notes

flauntpage · 7 years

Text

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Wes McCauley. The only referee on the planet who should ever be allowed near a microphone was at it again. I'd get in there if I were you, Nate.

The second star: Patrick Eaves. D'aawwww.

The first star: The Golden Knights Twitter… again. Good lord, rest of the NHL, how many times are we going to do this?

Guys, come on. This is like when Troy Crowder showed up in 1990 and started speedbagging everyone. Sure, you can understand catching the first few opponents off guard, but by now the scouting report is out. These folks are not playing. Stay down, NHL teams.

(Side note: Can we start wagering now on which thin-skinned owner will be the first to complain to the league about his team getting roasted on Twitter by the Knights? This feels like a Eugene Melnyk thing, but I'm open to other suggestions.)

Outrage of the Week

The issue: The NHL is using the preseason to crack down on two types of fouls: face-off violations and slashing. That's resulted in a ton of penalties being called, disrupting any sort of flow to the games and confusing fans and players alike. The outrage: Knock it off, NHL—we didn't wait all summer for hockey to come back just so we could watch you call a bunch of nitpicky penalties all night. Is it justified: For the face-off violations, sure. Those have been annoying, and seem like a weird thing for the league to be focusing on. NHL fans love to complain—some of us have entire podcasts for it—but I've never heard any paying customer argue that face-offs were a problem. I wrote a little bit about the face-off crackdown earlier this week, and my basic message was that we shouldn't panic yet because it will probably be short-lived. But if we get to November and we still have linesmen calling three or four of these things a game, we'll have a problem.

So yeah, the face-off thing is dicey. The slashing, though? Not remotely. It's about time the league took a stand on this one.

Two guys cheating on a face-off might turn the draw into a scrum, but it doesn't really hurt anyone. Cracking a guy across the hands with your stick? Yeah, that can do some damage. And there's no reason for it. Reaching out and slashing someone who beat you for position isn't a legitimate defensive tactic, no matter what guys like Jon Cooper say. There's no skill involved. And there's no entertainment value, either. At least a big open ice hit is fun to watch. Seeing a star player get hacked because he had the nerve to actually possess the puck doesn't help anyone.

Well, except for guys who are slow and out of position. Those are the guys who are apparently suffering here. OK…good. Let's phase those guys out. If they can't play defense without using their stick as a weapon, my guess is not too many of us will miss them. Let's swap in a few guys who can keep up with the play and aren't always a stick's length behind the better players.

For years, the NHL has been a league where simply having the puck on your stick meant you had to accept a few hacks across the wrist. It was the price of admission for actually trying to create some offense. It's been that way for so long that it's going to take some adjusting for players to stop reflexively swinging at anyone who skates by.

Will that be annoying for the first few weeks or months or however long it takes the players to figure this out? Definitely. Will penalty boxes occasionally look like this? Maybe. But it's a price worth paying to get this garbage out of the game, and to have it happen before Connor McDavid or Patrik Laine or whoever else gets their wrist broken. Complain all you want about the face-offs if the league actually sticks with it, but the slashing crackdown is long overdue.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Last week was the 30th anniversary of what many consider the greatest hockey game ever played: Team Canada vs. the Soviets in the deciding game of the 1987 Canada Cup, one that ended with Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux teaming up on their famous winner. The game was an incredible back-and-forth contest featuring an almost unimaginable amount of talent. I mean, just look at the starting lineups.

That's three Hockey Hall of Famers for the Soviets, plus two more guys who each had a strong cases of his own. And Canada has four guys who made it in on the first ballot, including two of the ten players in history who were such slam dunks that the customary waiting period was waived for them.

And then there's this week's obscure player: Doug Crossman.

Crossman was a sixth-round pick by the Hawks in the legendary double cohort draft of 1979. Weirdly, he went within five picks of not one but two other Obscure Player alumni, Bill McCreary and Rick Knickle. He'd make his NHL debut the following season, and spent three seasons in Chicago before being traded to the Flyers for legendary tough guy Behn Wilson. He spent five more years in Philadelphia before being traded to L.A. in 1988, which would signal the start of a five-year stretch in which he was traded six times for everyone from Ray Ferraro to Basil McRae. He was also claimed on waivers once, and ended up closing out his career in 1994 having played for eight teams, only two of which kept him for more than 100 games.

Crossman was a decent defenseman who could play in both ends. He never topped 60 points, but he was a +20 or better for three straight years in the mid 80s, and early in his career was a bit of an ironman. He was never an All-Star nor did he receive so much as a single Norris vote, but he was pretty good.

So… how did he wind up lining up next to the Canadian dream team in 1987?

The easiest answer is that he was a Flyer at the time, and his coach was Mike Keenan, who also happened to be running Team Canada. He'd been solid in Philadelphia and was coming off a big playoff year, and Keenan trusted him, so he made the team. Hey, it wouldn't be Team Canada without a weird pick or two. Besides, it's not like Canada was all that deep on defense that year. While they had future Hall of Famers Paul Coffey, Ray Bourque, and Larry Murphy, they also had to lean on guys like James Patrick, Craig Hartsburg, and Normand Rochefort.

All of those guys had to play a role for Canada to win, but only Crossman got to hear his name announced as a starter in one of the most star-studded games ever played.

Be It Resolved

There's a new trend going around the league. Various teams are holding open tryouts to fill the role of emergency backup goalies. Fans can show up, strut their stuff, and earn the job of backup to the backup.

The concept is getting rave reviews, and seems destined to spread across the league fairly quickly. It seems like the perfect way to give fans a shot at actually appearing in an NHL game. Who wouldn't get behind that? The whole idea is, as one observer put it, "freaking awesome."

Like hell it is. Faithful readers, this cannot stand.

Look, I love me a good EBUG, just like any fan should. The emergency backup goalie is one of those fun hockey oddities, one with a long and proud history. Sure, they never actually play (almost), but it's the mere possibility that makes it work. May the hockey gods bless the valiant emergency backup.

But the key word here is emergency. It's the chaos of an unexpected injury followed by a mad scramble to find someone, anyone, who knows how to hold a goalie stick that makes it fun. The guys who win these tryouts are going to be available at every game. Even worse, they're going to be good. Not NHL good, sure, but good enough not to embarrass themselves. Where's the fun in that?

I want to see some terrified dude hyperventilating into a paper bag on the bench. I want ushers and parking-lot attendants and web producers. I want to see the owner's deadbeat nephew shoved out there against his will. I want to see more scenes like Roberto Luongo stealing an ambulance to make a dramatic return from the hospital, Stone Cold Steve Austin-style, so that the goalie coach doesn't have to go in:

If this tryout thing catches on, we lose all that. Every rink will just have some former junior star in the press box, munching popcorn and waiting to see if he's needed. So be it resolved that we need to nip this in the bud. The noble EBUG has suddenly become an endangered species, and we need to save him—even if he never gets the chance to save anything for us.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

A cynic might suggest that the entire preseason schedule is just a massive cash grab, in which teams force fans to buy tickets to watch has-beens, never-will-bes, and PTOs signed specifically to circumvent the veteran roster rules, all playing in games in which nothing ever happens. Well, that's not completely accurate. I mean, almost all of it is. But while it's true that nothing important ever happens in the preseason, that doesn't mean nothing interesting ever happens. One example—OK, the only example—came exactly four years ago today.

So it's September 22, 2013, and the Sabres are visiting the Maple Leafs in preseason action. The score is…well, honestly it doesn't matter. But things are about to get goofy, so let's settle in and enjoy the dumbest line brawl in recent NHL history.

We open with play-by-play legend Joe Bowen informing us that Buffalo's John Scott is unhappy about something. If you're looking for backstory, here's what happened just before our clip begins. Long story short, the Sabres thought their guy had been victimized in a mismatch. Scott's their enforcer, so it's his job to exact some payback.

Unfortunately, he's lined up next to Phil Kessel, and The Code clearly states that he's not allowed to pummel a squishy-soft skill player. But Scott can do the next best thing, which is try to make Kessel poop his pants on live television.

Scott politely gives Kessel a heads-up on what's about to happen, at which point Kessel whips around like he just got a whiff of fresh-baked cinnamon rolls. I always thought Scott got a bit of a raw deal on all of this. You hear about how he "jumped" Kessel, but he never really did. Let's be honest, if Scott wanted to hurt Kessel, he absolutely could have. Instead, he basically gives him the "cat batting around a wounded mouse" treatment.

Kessel, of course, doesn't know this, so he immediately tries to break Scott's ankle with a golf swing slash. That's totally fine, by the way, as it's clearly self-defense. Then, after the cavalry arrives and Scott is fighting off two guys, Kessel circles back and hacks him again. That's, um, also self-defense? I would be a bad hockey lawyer.

None of the other Leafs player on the ice are fighters, so they basically gang-tackle Scott—who, it should be pointed out, is listed at 6'8" and 270 pounds. They do a pretty good job, too. Almost too good. Like, it seems like they may have an extra guy. Ah well, I'm sure that won't turn out to be important.

Meanwhile, Kessel pairs off with Brian Flynn for what will be only his second career NHL fight. And he…well, he kind of destroys him. Seriously. It's not quite Clark vs. Brooke, but by the end of it Flynn is leaking blood all over the ice. It will not shock you to learn that this remains Flynn's one and only NHL fight to this day. When Phil Kessel is splitting your face open like it's a jelly-filled donut, there's a good chance you're not very good at this.

Bowen does a reasonably good job on the call, although he's had better.

We get the now standard overhead view of the action, which reveals that all six Leafs seem to be handling business just fine. Wait a second, six? That seems high. Let's see if we can figure this out, now that all the fights are over and there's clearly nothing else that's going to happen.

Uh, did anyone notice anything odd in the lower right corner just there?

Huh, I could have sworn that looked like Leafs goalie Jonathan Bernier heading out of his net for some strange reason. Ah well, I'm sure it's nothing. Maybe he's going to get a drink of water or something.

No, he's apparently going to fight Ryan Miller, who speaks for all of us when he reacts by doing this:

As per Canadian law, Bowen immediately references the Felix Potvin vs. Ron Hextall superfight, which we broke down here. That one was the greatest goalie fight of all time. But this one isn't too bad once Miller finally decides to try. It's so entertaining that the other players forget that it's not 1986 and you're not allowed to crowd around to watch a fight.

As that scrap ends, we see Kessel go over and get one more jab on Scott, who's tangled up with David Clarkson. Wait, was Clarkson on the ice when all this started? He and Kessel play the same position, so it wouldn't make sense unless… oh. Oh no.

"All five players…all six players on the ice, including the goaltenders…" Keep counting, Joe.

After several replays, it's only in the final seconds of our clip that Bowen and friends put two and two together. Or more specifically, they put six and one together, and realize that Clarkson jumped on the ice during the brawl, even though the situation was already under control and he really had nothing to do once he arrived. That means that a player the Leafs have just paid a fortune to get has earned himself an automatic ten-game suspension before his first season even starts. Or, as Toronto fans now know it, "the high point of the David Clarkson era."

The epilogue here is that Kessel was suspended for three games, Clarkson never recovered, and Leaf fans loved Bernier right up until he started doing stuff like this. And to this day, Brian Flynn is afraid to go near a hot-dog cart.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at [email protected] .

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

0 notes

amtushinfosolutionspage · 7 years

Text

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Wes McCauley. The only referee on the planet who should ever be allowed near a microphone was at it again. I’d get in there if I were you, Nate.

The second star: Patrick Eaves. D’aawwww.

The first star: The Golden Knights Twitter… again. Good lord, rest of the NHL, how many times are we going to do this?

Outrage of the Week

The issue: The NHL is using the preseason to crack down on two types of fouls: face-off violations and slashing. That’s resulted in a ton of penalties being called, disrupting any sort of flow to the games and confusing fans and players alike.

The outrage: Knock it off, NHL—we didn’t wait all summer for hockey to come back just so we could watch you call a bunch of nitpicky penalties all night.

Is it justified: For the face-off violations, sure. Those have been annoying, and seem like a weird thing for the league to be focusing on. NHL fans love to complain—some of us have entire podcasts for it—but I’ve never heard any paying customer argue that face-offs were a problem. I wrote a little bit about the face-off crackdown earlier this week, and my basic message was that we shouldn’t panic yet because it will probably be short-lived. But if we get to November and we still have linesmen calling three or four of these things a game, we’ll have a problem.

So yeah, the face-off thing is dicey. The slashing, though? Not remotely. It’s about time the league took a stand on this one.

Two guys cheating on a face-off might turn the draw into a scrum, but it doesn’t really hurt anyone. Cracking a guy across the hands with your stick? Yeah, that can do some damage. And there’s no reason for it. Reaching out and slashing someone who beat you for position isn’t a legitimate defensive tactic, no matter what guys like Jon Cooper say. There’s no skill involved. And there’s no entertainment value, either. At least a big open ice hit is fun to watch. Seeing a star player get hacked because he had the nerve to actually possess the puck doesn’t help anyone.

Well, except for guys who are slow and out of position. Those are the guys who are apparently suffering here. OK…good. Let’s phase those guys out. If they can’t play defense without using their stick as a weapon, my guess is not too many of us will miss them. Let’s swap in a few guys who can keep up with the play and aren’t always a stick’s length behind the better players.

For years, the NHL has been a league where simply having the puck on your stick meant you had to accept a few hacks across the wrist. It was the price of admission for actually trying to create some offense. It’s been that way for so long that it’s going to take some adjusting for players to stop reflexively swinging at anyone who skates by.

Will that be annoying for the first few weeks or months or however long it takes the players to figure this out? Definitely. Will penalty boxes occasionally look like this? Maybe. But it’s a price worth paying to get this garbage out of the game, and to have it happen before Connor McDavid or Patrik Laine or whoever else gets their wrist broken. Complain all you want about the face-offs if the league actually sticks with it, but the slashing crackdown is long overdue.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

That’s three Hockey Hall of Famers for the Soviets, plus two more guys who each had a strong cases of his own. And Canada has four guys who made it in on the first ballot, including two of the ten players in history who were such slam dunks that the customary waiting period was waived for them.

And then there’s this week’s obscure player: Doug Crossman.

Crossman was a sixth-round pick by the Hawks in the legendary double cohort draft of 1979. Weirdly, he went within five picks of not one but two other Obscure Player alumni, Bill McCreary and Rick Knickle. He’d make his NHL debut the following season, and spent three seasons in Chicago before being traded to the Flyers for legendary tough guy Behn Wilson. He spent five more years in Philadelphia before being traded to L.A. in 1988, which would signal the start of a five-year stretch in which he was traded six times for everyone from Ray Ferraro to Basil McRae. He was also claimed on waivers once, and ended up closing out his career in 1994 having played for eight teams, only two of which kept him for more than 100 games.

So… how did he wind up lining up next to the Canadian dream team in 1987?

The easiest answer is that he was a Flyer at the time, and his coach was Mike Keenan, who also happened to be running Team Canada. He’d been solid in Philadelphia and was coming off a big playoff year, and Keenan trusted him, so he made the team. Hey, it wouldn’t be Team Canada without a weird pick or two. Besides, it’s not like Canada was all that deep on defense that year. While they had future Hall of Famers Paul Coffey, Ray Bourque, and Larry Murphy, they also had to lean on guys like James Patrick, Craig Hartsburg, and Normand Rochefort.

All of those guys had to play a role for Canada to win, but only Crossman got to hear his name announced as a starter in one of the most star-studded games ever played.

Be It Resolved

There’s a new trend going around the league. Various teams are holding open tryouts to fill the role of emergency backup goalies. Fans can show up, strut their stuff, and earn the job of backup to the backup.

The concept is getting rave reviews, and seems destined to spread across the league fairly quickly. It seems like the perfect way to give fans a shot at actually appearing in an NHL game. Who wouldn’t get behind that? The whole idea is, as one observer put it, “freaking awesome.”

Like hell it is. Faithful readers, this cannot stand.

Look, I love me a good EBUG, just like any fan should. The emergency backup goalie is one of those fun hockey oddities, one with a long and proud history. Sure, they never actually play (almost), but it’s the mere possibility that makes it work. May the hockey gods bless the valiant emergency backup.

But the key word here is emergency. It’s the chaos of an unexpected injury followed by a mad scramble to find someone, anyone, who knows how to hold a goalie stick that makes it fun. The guys who win these tryouts are going to be available at every game. Even worse, they’re going to be good. Not NHL good, sure, but good enough not to embarrass themselves. Where’s the fun in that?

I want to see some terrified dude hyperventilating into a paper bag on the bench. I want ushers and parking-lot attendants and web producers. I want to see the owner’s deadbeat nephew shoved out there against his will. I want to see more scenes like Roberto Luongo stealing an ambulance to make a dramatic return from the hospital, Stone Cold Steve Austin-style, so that the goalie coach doesn’t have to go in:

If this tryout thing catches on, we lose all that. Every rink will just have some former junior star in the press box, munching popcorn and waiting to see if he’s needed. So be it resolved that we need to nip this in the bud. The noble EBUG has suddenly become an endangered species, and we need to save him—even if he never gets the chance to save anything for us.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

A cynic might suggest that the entire preseason schedule is just a massive cash grab, in which teams force fans to buy tickets to watch has-beens, never-will-bes, and PTOs signed specifically to circumvent the veteran roster rules, all playing in games in which nothing ever happens. Well, that’s not completely accurate. I mean, almost all of it is. But while it’s true that nothing important ever happens in the preseason, that doesn’t mean nothing interesting ever happens. One example—OK, the only example—came exactly four years ago today.

So it’s September 22, 2013, and the Sabres are visiting the Maple Leafs in preseason action. The score is…well, honestly it doesn’t matter. But things are about to get goofy, so let’s settle in and enjoy the dumbest line brawl in recent NHL history.

We open with play-by-play legend Joe Bowen informing us that Buffalo’s John Scott is unhappy about something. If you’re looking for backstory, here’s what happened just before our clip begins. Long story short, the Sabres thought their guy had been victimized in a mismatch. Scott’s their enforcer, so it’s his job to exact some payback.

Unfortunately, he’s lined up next to Phil Kessel, and The Code clearly states that he’s not allowed to pummel a squishy-soft skill player. But Scott can do the next best thing, which is try to make Kessel poop his pants on live television.

Scott politely gives Kessel a heads-up on what’s about to happen, at which point Kessel whips around like he just got a whiff of fresh-baked cinnamon rolls. I always thought Scott got a bit of a raw deal on all of this. You hear about how he “jumped” Kessel, but he never really did. Let’s be honest, if Scott wanted to hurt Kessel, he absolutely could have. Instead, he basically gives him the “cat batting around a wounded mouse” treatment.

Kessel, of course, doesn’t know this, so he immediately tries to break Scott’s ankle with a golf swing slash. That’s totally fine, by the way, as it’s clearly self-defense. Then, after the cavalry arrives and Scott is fighting off two guys, Kessel circles back and hacks him again. That’s, um, also self-defense? I would be a bad hockey lawyer.

None of the other Leafs player on the ice are fighters, so they basically gang-tackle Scott—who, it should be pointed out, is listed at 6’8″ and 270 pounds. They do a pretty good job, too. Almost too good. Like, it seems like they may have an extra guy. Ah well, I’m sure that won’t turn out to be important.

Meanwhile, Kessel pairs off with Brian Flynn for what will be only his second career NHL fight. And he…well, he kind of destroys him. Seriously. It’s not quite Clark vs. Brooke, but by the end of it Flynn is leaking blood all over the ice. It will not shock you to learn that this remains Flynn’s one and only NHL fight to this day. When Phil Kessel is splitting your face open like it’s a jelly-filled donut, there’s a good chance you’re not very good at this.

Bowen does a reasonably good job on the call, although he’s had better.

We get the now standard overhead view of the action, which reveals that all six Leafs seem to be handling business just fine. Wait a second, six? That seems high. Let’s see if we can figure this out, now that all the fights are over and there’s clearly nothing else that’s going to happen.

Uh, did anyone notice anything odd in the lower right corner just there?

Huh, I could have sworn that looked like Leafs goalie Jonathan Bernier heading out of his net for some strange reason. Ah well, I’m sure it’s nothing. Maybe he’s going to get a drink of water or something.

No, he’s apparently going to fight Ryan Miller, who speaks for all of us when he reacts by doing this:

As per Canadian law, Bowen immediately references the Felix Potvin vs. Ron Hextall superfight, which we broke down here. That one was the greatest goalie fight of all time. But this one isn’t too bad once Miller finally decides to try. It’s so entertaining that the other players forget that it’s not 1986 and you’re not allowed to crowd around to watch a fight.

As that scrap ends, we see Kessel go over and get one more jab on Scott, who’s tangled up with David Clarkson. Wait, was Clarkson on the ice when all this started? He and Kessel play the same position, so it wouldn’t make sense unless… oh. Oh no.

“All five players…all six players on the ice, including the goaltenders…” Keep counting, Joe.

After several replays, it’s only in the final seconds of our clip that Bowen and friends put two and two together. Or more specifically, they put six and one together, and realize that Clarkson jumped on the ice during the brawl, even though the situation was already under control and he really had nothing to do once he arrived. That means that a player the Leafs have just paid a fortune to get has earned himself an automatic ten-game suspension before his first season even starts. Or, as Toronto fans now know it, “the high point of the David Clarkson era.”

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you’d like to see included in this column? Email Sean at [email protected] .

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties syndicated from http://ift.tt/2ug2Ns6

0 notes

flauntpage · 7 years

Text

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Wes McCauley. The only referee on the planet who should ever be allowed near a microphone was at it again. I'd get in there if I were you, Nate.

The second star: Patrick Eaves. D'aawwww.

The first star: The Golden Knights Twitter… again. Good lord, rest of the NHL, how many times are we going to do this?

Outrage of the Week

So yeah, the face-off thing is dicey. The slashing, though? Not remotely. It's about time the league took a stand on this one.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

And then there's this week's obscure player: Doug Crossman.

So… how did he wind up lining up next to the Canadian dream team in 1987?

All of those guys had to play a role for Canada to win, but only Crossman got to hear his name announced as a starter in one of the most star-studded games ever played.

Be It Resolved

Like hell it is. Faithful readers, this cannot stand.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Bowen does a reasonably good job on the call, although he's had better.

Uh, did anyone notice anything odd in the lower right corner just there?

No, he's apparently going to fight Ryan Miller, who speaks for all of us when he reacts by doing this:

"All five players…all six players on the ice, including the goaltenders…" Keep counting, Joe.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at [email protected] .

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

0 notes

flauntpage · 7 years

Text

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Wes McCauley. The only referee on the planet who should ever be allowed near a microphone was at it again. I'd get in there if I were you, Nate.

The second star: Patrick Eaves. D'aawwww.

The first star: The Golden Knights Twitter… again. Good lord, rest of the NHL, how many times are we going to do this?

Outrage of the Week

So yeah, the face-off thing is dicey. The slashing, though? Not remotely. It's about time the league took a stand on this one.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

And then there's this week's obscure player: Doug Crossman.

So… how did he wind up lining up next to the Canadian dream team in 1987?

All of those guys had to play a role for Canada to win, but only Crossman got to hear his name announced as a starter in one of the most star-studded games ever played.

Be It Resolved

Like hell it is. Faithful readers, this cannot stand.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Bowen does a reasonably good job on the call, although he's had better.

Uh, did anyone notice anything odd in the lower right corner just there?

No, he's apparently going to fight Ryan Miller, who speaks for all of us when he reacts by doing this:

"All five players…all six players on the ice, including the goaltenders…" Keep counting, Joe.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at [email protected] .

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

0 notes

flauntpage · 7 years

Text

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Wes McCauley. The only referee on the planet who should ever be allowed near a microphone was at it again. I'd get in there if I were you, Nate.

The second star: Patrick Eaves. D'aawwww.

The first star: The Golden Knights Twitter… again. Good lord, rest of the NHL, how many times are we going to do this?

Outrage of the Week

So yeah, the face-off thing is dicey. The slashing, though? Not remotely. It's about time the league took a stand on this one.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

And then there's this week's obscure player: Doug Crossman.

So… how did he wind up lining up next to the Canadian dream team in 1987?

All of those guys had to play a role for Canada to win, but only Crossman got to hear his name announced as a starter in one of the most star-studded games ever played.

Be It Resolved

Like hell it is. Faithful readers, this cannot stand.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Bowen does a reasonably good job on the call, although he's had better.

Uh, did anyone notice anything odd in the lower right corner just there?

No, he's apparently going to fight Ryan Miller, who speaks for all of us when he reacts by doing this:

"All five players…all six players on the ice, including the goaltenders…" Keep counting, Joe.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at [email protected] .

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

0 notes

flauntpage · 7 years

Text

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Wes McCauley. The only referee on the planet who should ever be allowed near a microphone was at it again. I'd get in there if I were you, Nate.

The second star: Patrick Eaves. D'aawwww.

The first star: The Golden Knights Twitter… again. Good lord, rest of the NHL, how many times are we going to do this?

Outrage of the Week

So yeah, the face-off thing is dicey. The slashing, though? Not remotely. It's about time the league took a stand on this one.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

And then there's this week's obscure player: Doug Crossman.

So… how did he wind up lining up next to the Canadian dream team in 1987?

All of those guys had to play a role for Canada to win, but only Crossman got to hear his name announced as a starter in one of the most star-studded games ever played.

Be It Resolved

Like hell it is. Faithful readers, this cannot stand.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Bowen does a reasonably good job on the call, although he's had better.

Uh, did anyone notice anything odd in the lower right corner just there?

No, he's apparently going to fight Ryan Miller, who speaks for all of us when he reacts by doing this:

"All five players…all six players on the ice, including the goaltenders…" Keep counting, Joe.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at [email protected] .

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

0 notes

flauntpage · 7 years

Text

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Wes McCauley. The only referee on the planet who should ever be allowed near a microphone was at it again. I'd get in there if I were you, Nate.

The second star: Patrick Eaves. D'aawwww.

The first star: The Golden Knights Twitter… again. Good lord, rest of the NHL, how many times are we going to do this?

Outrage of the Week

So yeah, the face-off thing is dicey. The slashing, though? Not remotely. It's about time the league took a stand on this one.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

And then there's this week's obscure player: Doug Crossman.

So… how did he wind up lining up next to the Canadian dream team in 1987?

All of those guys had to play a role for Canada to win, but only Crossman got to hear his name announced as a starter in one of the most star-studded games ever played.

Be It Resolved

Like hell it is. Faithful readers, this cannot stand.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Bowen does a reasonably good job on the call, although he's had better.

Uh, did anyone notice anything odd in the lower right corner just there?

No, he's apparently going to fight Ryan Miller, who speaks for all of us when he reacts by doing this:

"All five players…all six players on the ice, including the goaltenders…" Keep counting, Joe.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at [email protected] .

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

0 notes

flauntpage · 7 years

Text

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Wes McCauley. The only referee on the planet who should ever be allowed near a microphone was at it again. I'd get in there if I were you, Nate.

The second star: Patrick Eaves. D'aawwww.

The first star: The Golden Knights Twitter… again. Good lord, rest of the NHL, how many times are we going to do this?

Outrage of the Week

So yeah, the face-off thing is dicey. The slashing, though? Not remotely. It's about time the league took a stand on this one.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

And then there's this week's obscure player: Doug Crossman.

So… how did he wind up lining up next to the Canadian dream team in 1987?

All of those guys had to play a role for Canada to win, but only Crossman got to hear his name announced as a starter in one of the most star-studded games ever played.

Be It Resolved

Like hell it is. Faithful readers, this cannot stand.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Bowen does a reasonably good job on the call, although he's had better.

Uh, did anyone notice anything odd in the lower right corner just there?

No, he's apparently going to fight Ryan Miller, who speaks for all of us when he reacts by doing this:

"All five players…all six players on the ice, including the goaltenders…" Keep counting, Joe.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at [email protected] .

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

0 notes

flauntpage · 7 years

Text

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Wes McCauley. The only referee on the planet who should ever be allowed near a microphone was at it again. I'd get in there if I were you, Nate.

The second star: Patrick Eaves. D'aawwww.

The first star: The Golden Knights Twitter… again. Good lord, rest of the NHL, how many times are we going to do this?

Outrage of the Week

So yeah, the face-off thing is dicey. The slashing, though? Not remotely. It's about time the league took a stand on this one.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

And then there's this week's obscure player: Doug Crossman.

So… how did he wind up lining up next to the Canadian dream team in 1987?

All of those guys had to play a role for Canada to win, but only Crossman got to hear his name announced as a starter in one of the most star-studded games ever played.

Be It Resolved

Like hell it is. Faithful readers, this cannot stand.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Bowen does a reasonably good job on the call, although he's had better.

Uh, did anyone notice anything odd in the lower right corner just there?

No, he's apparently going to fight Ryan Miller, who speaks for all of us when he reacts by doing this:

"All five players…all six players on the ice, including the goaltenders…" Keep counting, Joe.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at [email protected] .

DGB Grab Bag: Recalling a Preseason Line Brawl and Nonsense Face-Off Penalties published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

0 notes