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maagicmushies · 2 months

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How Fates Classes Communicate Culture

It is kind of strange to say because horrible worldbuilding is one of the things that Fates has become known for, but I'm really struggling to think of a Fire Emblem game that manages to say more about its world through its classes. Nearly every single class in Nohr and especially Hoshido has a lot to say about the respective cultures of the two nations, either through their names or weaponry or design.

Religion

So, religious aesthetics have been a thing in Fire Emblem since forever. If you want to get healed in Archanea you don't go to a doctor, you go to a cleric. Jugdral with its myriad of references to Norse myth had Troubadours which sort of seem random for a northern european setting, but Troubadours went around reciting poetry and a lot of Norse myth was chronicled through poetry like the Prose Edda and Poetic Edda. The main religious house of Grannvale being House Edda also makes allusion to this. Even seemingly secular classes such as cavaliers and paladins can be seen adorned with crosses in most games. In Fates something interesting happens. Nohr has most of the "traditional" Fire Emblem classes, but loses all of these religious references. Troubadour stayed, but only in the English Localization with the class being called "Rod Knight" in the original Japanese. Troubadour's promotions in Awakening, Valkyrie and War Cleric, were pretty explicitly religious, but no more in Fates. Valkyries have been turned into Strategists, with designs that sort of resemble depictions of Viziers. In the place of War Cleric, we have the Maids, which I'm pretty sure are a reference to old mystery books and the cliche of rich statesmen being killed by their bitter servants. That's why they used hidden weapons. Another Nohrian class which is just a secularized version of an older class would be the Dark Mage and Sorcerer. Nothing within their names or designs have been changed, but they have gone from being followers of Grima in Awakening to a sort of analog to alchemists. I am a little torn on this because trying to draw the line between "religion", "philosophy" and "pseudoscience" with alchemy is EXTREMELY hard, but just like the maids this class has a reference to another icon of European literature - Frankenstein. The faceless that they create and can summon bare a striking origin and visual similarity to many depictions of Frankenstein's monster. That book is coated in a lot of religious subtext, but Frankenstein himself is staunchly a scientist and working within his world's realm of science. While Fates did remove these classes from their religious context, another take was to move classes with religious context over to Hoshido.

The way the religious Hoshido classes are handled is pretty funny because a lot of these classes have been in Fire Emblem before, but were references to western religion, typically Catholicism. Now they're mainly references to eastern religions. The most obvious case of this are priests and clerics who were turned into monks and shrine maiden respectively. This is one of the rare cases of Fates gender-locking and the only case of it having an actual effect on game play. Women in this class line are based on "Miko", Shinto shamans tasked with shrine upkeep and various other rituals. Shrine Maidens can promote into the very vague "Priestess", but the Japanese version once again clears things up by just calling them "Isuka Miko" or "Battle Miko". They're the standard shrine maidens, but with a slight bit more armor and armed with a bow, something that Miko actually would use both for ceremonial purposes and self defense in some cases. The male counterpart is the Monk. Before I go on, I have to clarify that I don't think that the localization made the wrong move by leaving out a lot of the cultural context, but I'm going to have to keep going back to the original Japanese to fully clarify what Intelligent Systems meant with some of these classes. While we got "Monk" they got "Shugenja", which is a lot more specific to what Fates' monks are. They are followers of Shugendo, ascetic mountain-dwelling priests. The lances that Great Masters use were likely a reference to walking poles that such a lifestyle would demand. I don't really like genderlock and it annoys me that Fates completely ignores it except for this one instance, but I sort of get why. Miko are one of the most recognizable symbols of pre-meiji Japan, so if IS wants to make a fictional country based on that era, it'd be such a miss to not include them. However, "Miko" is a strictly feminine title, so Fates used this limitation to just give us another cool cultural reference.

If all that wasn't enough, a lot of FE classes that had nothing to do with religion now do. Standard "mages" were turned into "diviners". One could argue that this was the localization actually adding in religious context where there originally was none, because the original word used for this class just translates to "spell user". I'm inclined to disagree with that because Orochi's entire thing is divination and the main Hoshidan scrolls revolve around the Chinese zodiac. Another hit against that view would be how Diviners, Shrine Maidens and Monks all can promote into the Onmyoji. For some reason, this is one of the few japanese terms that Treehouse refused to swap out. Sage would have worked just fine. Remember how I said Alchemy blurred the lines between "philosophy", "religion" and "pseudoscience"? The same could honestly be said about Onmyodo, from what I know. Going off of how Izana, the poster child for the class, comes from the Kingdom of the Gods and can straight up speak with the Gods, I'd say that Fates' interpretation of the belief is as a faith. By the way, Onmyodo means "The Way of Yin and Yang", a pretty clear reference to how Sages can use tomes and staves, black magic and white magic. Some other Hoshidan classes also got some minor religious flair to them, with Sniper, Swordmaster and Spear Master all having different japanese names in fates than they do in the japanese versions of other Fire Emblem games. In Fates they can be translated as "Holy Bow", "Holy Sword" and "Holy Spear" or “[Insert Weapon] Saint”. I will touch on this more in a bit.

So, that begs the question. What is Fates trying to imply with this? Well.... I don't really know? Like, sure, Nohr has scrubbed away almost all of its religious institutions while Hoshido holds tightly to them and even associates great skill with holiness, but why? As cool as all of this is, it doesn't really seem to mean much besides creating yet another cultural rift between Hoshido and Nohr. I could come up with something about how the Fire Emblem being in Hoshido means that they were favored by the Gods and decided to worship them while the Nohrians felt neglected and forged their own path but that feels like I'm veering off into the realm of fanfiction, it's pure conjecture. It is also possible that Hoshido's faith came from them hunting Nohrian monsters. Gaiden and Sacred Stones both had characters who mostly fought monsters and they came from religious institutions in both cases, with Bishops in the Sacred Stones being especially good at it. So perhaps that is why so much of Hoshido is themed as religious, but once again it feels like I'm trying to guide thread through a needle that just isn't there. There is one thing that Hoshido’s focus on religion says about their culture for a deeper level and I’ll get into that for the next section.

Warfare

If you’re a nerd about Fates’ gameplay, there may be something that you noticed about the “Holy” classes mentioned. They are all capable of attaining an “S” rank in their respective weapons. This could indicate that Hoshido views mastery in the martial arts as either a gift from the gods or something to be used in service of the Gods. In Hoshido, the “Art” aspects of “Martial Art” seems to be something they prioritize on honing. It isn’t just enough to pick up a sword and learn how to swing it, you should strive to master it. The S rank options in Nohr paint a bit of a different picture. First you have the Sorcerers and Maids, being the S rank options for tomes and staves. This is an extension of Nohr’s respect for academia. As Nohrian magic is a bit closer to Alchemy, this magic can be mastered and honed simply through learning enough about it. Nohr loves its Tomes, by the way. Dark Mages are the only base class to start with tomes, but Troubadours, Wyvern Knights and even Corrin’s Nohr Prince(ss) class can use them upon promotions. Leo and Camilla also start in tome wielding classes with it being pretty trivial for Xander and Elise to join them as well. If you want to be respected in Nohr, you seemingly have to be well read, even the nobility follow this rule.

While I think Nohr having the S rank option for staves fits their culture, giving this to Maids feels like a gameplay concession. Strategists have tomes, a horse and two really good skills, so perhaps IS thought this was needed to balance the two classes out. It doesn’t really work, I think Jacob might be the only one who likes that class. The last S rank class that Nohr has is the Berserker, which I think paints an interesting dichotomy with Hoshido. Here the mastery of the weapon is not revered, but instead feared. This could just be because axes are much more unwieldy than lances, sword or bows or maybe because axes in general are associated with lower class in Fire Emblem, so someone who is so proficient with them instead of switching to a more respected weapon should be seen as a mad man. While we’re on the topic of axes, this might be a good time to talk about how many Nohrian classes use those versus how few Hoshidan classes use their counterpart, the club. 4 classes on Hoshido vs 8 in Nohr. This could relate to two things mainly. The first is the status thing I mentioned earlier. On average, Nohr is poorer than Hoshido, so more classes would use this poor “commoner” weapon. The second is that Nohr is heavily forested and so axes would probably just be very common there. Just like how Bord, Cord and Barst went from lumberjacking to axe fighting, it wouldn’t be incredibly surprising to find out that most of Nohr’s army did the same.

Meanwhile in Hoshido, it seems to be normal for most soldiers, not to be equipped with a certain weapon, but to be equipped with some sort of non-scroll magic. And by magic, I mean the seal skills. We are never really told how they work, but because they fail to go off if the sealer dies mid battle, I am convinced it is some kind of curse. The poisoned hidden weapons do not work this way and will apply their effects whether you kill the user or not. Of the 5 stat sealing skills, 4 belong to Hoshidan classes that do not use scrolls. The odd one out, Seal Magic, belongs to the Nohrian Dark Knight, pretty much cementing this as a magical skill. The Hoshidan Kinshi Knight’s also have the magical “Amaterasu” skill, once again linking back to the Hoshidan religiosity. I suppose now that I’ve brought up Kinshi Knights, it is time to talk about another thing that shapes the warfare of these two countries and that is the wildlife. Whereas Hoshido has their Pegasi and Kinshi, Nohr has Wyverns. The most notable distinction here is that Wyverns are just bigger and suitable to carry more, so while Nohrians can afford to be heavily armed and armored while flying, Falcon Knights have to settle with one naginata and specialization into staff use, once again hammering in that link between Hoshido and Religion. Wyverns also bring up some more of that dubious Nohrian science because they have an entire class of “Malig Knights”, people who fight on crudely resurrected Wyverns. The thing I find interesting about this class is that its two skills, Savage Blow and Trample are implied to be the Wyvern fighting independent of its rider. Shooting flames in the vicinity of the rider’s attacks and also landing on people its rider chooses to fight. To my knowledge, this is the only instance of this in Fire Emblem. This could indicate that the resurrected Wyverns are hard to train and instead of seeing this as a weakness, Nohrians chose to experiment with how they could take advantage of this “downside”. The last wildlife boon that Nohr has is that they actually have horses! You might not notice it, but Hoshido has no ground cavalry. This gives Nohr a huge mobility advantage and they capitalize on that. Out of all of Nohr’s starting classes, the only two who don't start on a horse or have the option to get on a horse are the mounted Wyvern Riders and the Fighter class, which has historically had associations with poverty. This insistence to just hop on a horse might go back to how much Nohr seems to value versatility in combat. A sword fighting mercenary getting on horseback isn’t exactly the most natural progression, but it gives that mercenary a wealth of new options in how to fight. They don’t care about specialization and mastery, just getting their job done. Nohrian classes in general lack that flair Hoshidan classes have and while I could say that's because a lot of these classes were codified back in the NES days, I think it’s just an extension of Nohr wanting to be efficient. You don’t NEED to be ornate or masterful or graceful as long as you win.

Leisure and Arts

So, what do any of these people do when not trying to kill each other? Well, for Hoshido we have a wealth of answers. Hoshido is the nation that got the classic “villager” class, so we can pretty safely say that a lot of people in Hoshido just toil. They farm peaches and daikons and rice. The villagers can promote and I find one of these promotions to be very interesting. I’m talking about the Merchant. Merchants show up a lot as part of Hoshido’s army, but it is a bit strange that they would be deployed as merchants and not as any formally integrated part of the Hoshidan military. We could take this as meaning that Hoshido is not particularly suited for war, they need to arm common merchants to defend from Nohr and don’t exactly have time to properly train them into becoming Spear Masters or Sky Knights. Another possible take away from this could be that Hoshidan patriotism is such a thing that these people weren’t conscripted, they just decided to go out and fight for their country independent of their background. It wouldn’t be a first in Fire Emblem, as I mentioned earlier, most Axe Fighters from early on in the series were simply lumberjacks who wanted to contribute to the war.

On the topic of Hoshidan classes who don’t exactly fit the bill as soldiers, I finally get to talk about my favorite class from the game, the Basara. Basara is another japanese term that treehouse refused to translate, which basically means someone who lives unrealistically and with excess. Their skills further cement this with the flashy activation skill “Rend Heaven”, which can actually activate pretty often compared to other skills but it's pretty damn useless. And then there’s the second skill, Quixotic, which does not actually increase damage or anything useful like that, but instead increases the chances of these activation skills going off. If you like, you can see this as an extension of aspects of Hoshidan culture that I mentioned earlier. Basaras do not want to beat you, but instead want to flaunt their mastery. It’s just that while Swordmasters want to flaunt their mastery of hitting you hard with a sword, these guys want to flaunt their mastery of flashy skill combos. The skill name being “quixotic” is also a fun allusion to Don Quixote, but it only exists in the english localisation. Basaras sort of fill the role of wandering fighters which I find pretty interesting because that role has usually been held by Mercenaries and Heroes. The main difference is that Mercenaries and Heroes are going around and saving people to get paid while Basaras are doing it to prove that they can. It really shows the difference in priorities between these two cultures. It is also possible that most Basaras are nobles or former nobles, as the term “Basara” was coined to criticize the flamboyance of Japanese nobles during the 14th century. So perhaps they’re happy doing this for no pay because they don’t really need money. It is worth noting that Basaras promote from Spear Fighters and Diviners, two classes that I’ve already noted as having religious subtext to them. It was a common practice for noble families to have their second son adopt a religious life as the oldest would inherit their fortune. A family with a hand in both the secular political world and the religious world would have a lot of influence. These basaras could be sons who weren’t able to inherit their parents’ wealth, but also did not have the discipline to make it in religious life, so they simply absconded and lived as excessive wanderers. Not particularly exceptional, but very hard to ignore.

Does it feel like I’m dodging the topic of leisure in Nohr? That would be because I am. There are exactly two Nohrian classes which do not have a role in their military. There are Outlaws and their promotions, the Adventurer. That isn’t a joke, I’m not fucking with you. The only non-war hobby there is in Nohr is robbing people. If you’re kind, you could fit the maids into here, but it wouldn’t exactly be correct to say that they don’t have a role in Nohr’s military, they are the defining staff using class and seem to exclusively serve high ranking members within the Nohrian Court. You are either directly contributing to Garon’s war machine, subservient to someone who is directly contributing to Garon’s war machine or actively breaking the law. It paints a really dire picture of this country. Every aspect of it is literally just in service of this war. Let's pivot somewhat and look at art. Hoshido not only has a culture of poetry that is popular amongst its monks, but has the Mechanist class, tasked with making these very intricate puppets. When Hoshido wants to carry out missions without risking too many lives, they deploy these Puppeteers. When Nohr wants to do the same, they create monsters. The only form of artistic expression we ever get to see is literature, go figure. In general, Nohr just sucks. You would not want to live here under any circumstance. However, even if I am disappointed in how little flavor there is for Nohrian life outside of fighting, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. A country so consumed with war that they forgot to develop a culture is in a certain sense a form of culture, look at how many so called “gross” british foods are just a product of wartime rationing. It’s bland and unpleasant, but it IS culture. The classes on display do such a good job of painting what life in these two nations are like and it’s sort of insane wondering what a slightly more tightly written game could have accomplished with this. One of the downsides of Fire Emblem embracing less and less restricting reclassing as the series goes on is that we will likely never receive anything that attempts to do this again, which is a shame to me.

#Fire Emblem #FE #Fates #Hoshido #Nohr #mucho texto #long post #god fates is so good when it isnt bejng bad

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noelashe · 1 year

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I also sa w Minecraft server with mane6 in my dream it got me rhinking. How they game it

Twiligjt would like speedrun everything learn about the game get to the end beat the dragon and like be sooo annoying to be with until then cus everything she does is calculated for supplies but then when shes explored all the game has to offer shes finally chill and can actually hang out in a chill manner. I think shes not very good at combat but makes do and she is pretty good at building and would kinf of enjoy mining/strip mining i think shed do that the most. Shes also incredibly anti cheating she gets SOOO mad at cheating probably owns the server and has cheats turned OFF...i like to imagine some pranks convincing her to turn on cheats for just a bit only for something devious to happen.. also HUGE redstone head lmfao sorry i always forget redstone is a thing shed make so many frankensteins monsters nd devices w that

Fluttershy would tame every single animal she sees(like me) shed have a funeral for every animal that accidentally dies and name for every animal amd shed build the hugest farms (good builder she probably rlly likes making them fancy in a warm homey way) but theyre all classical style like nothing inhumane like some minecrafters do sometimes. except the well exp farms i think shed also enjoy that. She gets scared in combat so shes not that good but she can do it if she tries and shes mainly a buiilder nd chills with her many animals or goes exploring in overworld to find more of them. she gets scared by the cave noises so shes rarely in caves except if they explore with the group. Sometimes cheats because shes scared to aquire some material that takes a lot of travel/monsterslaying but feels really bad about it after n confesses like its a huge deal

Rainbow dash , of course, never rlly stays still and parkours on literally everything and shes like the combathead but like, specifically the classic minecraft combat she would HATE the update SO MUCH because she cant spamclick anymore. Most annoyed by cobwebs, which many ponies who have been pranked by her take advantage of,sorry i reallt like the image of her stuck in cobwebs and forgetting you can break them w a sword LOL.. So fucking horrible at buildiny classic dirthouser but like shes never rlly at her own base she mostly hangd at her friends bases or shared base which they most likely have. No patience for stripmining only mines in caves and with friends or she gets bored. Loves to go on creative mode to fly really fast nd cheats if she gets bored as well.

Pinkie Okay its really fucking funny to imagine her holding space down constsntly so shes alwyas jumping like how she moves around usually nd draining her hunger bar with it but i think shed like constantly do strange actions like thst having fun in the primalest of ways. Also likes parkouring on everything. she likes crafting thigns and shes very creative with building and often has a different perspective like shes the type to wear dyed leather to the boss fight cus it looks cuter. also kind of a beast at combat becaude she just attacks liek a panther rlly fast... She doesnt cheat unless its to like do a 1000 dropped steaks to crash the server prank but everypony secretly thinks she cheats because of how many items she has but well shes just like that. Also lieks setting traps with rd minecraft is very potent for prankability and shed love it

Rarity is obviously like incredible at building but it also takes gruelling work to get the materials i imagine she takes favors among her friends and maybe spike if hes allowed on the server LOL to go get her materials for her huge marble cathedral and shit. Loves creative but in survival considers it taboo to cut corners for materials. Surprisingly decent at combat and likes the mines when theyre pretty probably loves the new mine and nether updates nd gets into arguments with rd about it. but prefers to be building most the time instead of anything else, probably builds or improves upon her friends bases or builds new surprise buildings for them and such like recreations of their real houses nd stuff like that. Gets redstone help for some of her buildings as well, shed probably get the hang of it if she learned but shed preoccupied

Applejack woud be like kind of slow with the controls and hoenstly the least eager to play but if she got the hang of it she might also like building stuff but in a more practical manner shed always make like realistic structures and village remodelling too but theyd look pretty good shes the classic wood and stone builder forever. i think shed like redstone too twi would get her into it and shed like it in a beginner kinda way. Bad at combat usually but she tries and gets it done👍 Also likes doing favors for her friends most of all and stocking up on materials and being sent on errands like that. Also lieks farms too even though its basically fluttershys thing but like she has some too yesyes. And CROP FARMS Shes the numero uno crops Everypony gets them from her. Justlike the aples

#i wokeup and typed this for like half a hour LOL

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maxwell-grant · 3 years

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Having asked your thoughts on designing Frankenstein's daemon, might I now ask your thoughts on bringing Count Dracula from the written word into illustration? (I'm definitely in favour of the 'Hairy Old Mountain Man of Horror pretending he's people' look from the original novel; one of the small tests too many Draculas fail to pass is an absolutely tragic lack of the Evil Beard and/or Wicked Moustache explicitly described by Mr Stoker).

Unlike with Frankenstein, where I think the design needs to be painstakingly thought out in order to achieve the best balance of the creature's traits for horror and tragedy alike, I think with Dracula you can actually just take an approach of "whatever works". Because as I mentioned before, I think much of the appeal and longevity of Dracula is how the character's both a layered villain as well as a shapeshifting narrative force that can be tailored to whatever you want to do with. Granted, there are bad or dissappointing Dracula designs, of course there are, but in regards to the leeway you get for reinterpretation, you get a lot more of it with Dracula than with other literary icons.

Like with Frankenstein, I'm gonna bring up how I'd tackle a less grim, more comedy-centric Dracula first, one that's less a force of horror and more of a charismatic villain, and I think to that end I definitely agree that people are sleeping a lot on the hairy old man barely-passing-off-as-humanoid of the original story. Despite very much loving these performers, I'm actually not a fan of takes that mold Dracula too closely to people who've portrayed him, like Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee, partially because I think it's a waste of an opportunity to create your own Dracula design. Since I can't draw (yet), I'll do what I usually do and make a board of images to try and convey some of my thoughts on one way I'd design Dracula.

(Pictured: Kiwi's design for Dracula, Hotel Transylvania concept art, Nandor, Castlevania Dracula, Charles Dance in Dracula Untold, Vladislav, a Transylvanian rug)

I used the images in my other Dracula post and I’ll post it here again because I absolutely adore @kiwibyrd's designs for Dracula and it's main heroes, in particular I love the way it strikes a good balance at making sure Dracula looks distinctly separate from the humans, but not too much that he couldn't conceivably operate in society as just a harmless old man. I also adore the mustache and bushy eyebrows and pointy ears and I think these three are wonderful features to keep on any Dracula design. I'm also very partial to the Hotel Transylvania concept art, even if it makes me incredibly depressed to look at all the great designs they had for Dracula that they threw in the trash because they somehow decided making him look like Adam Sandler was the idea to go with.

I deeply adore What We Do In The Shadows, both the movie and the show, and Jemaine Clement's Vladislav is one of my favorite (maybe even my actual favorite) on-screen Draculas. But I also enjoy Nandor just as much, and I think it's really great that as a character he's completely different from Vlad while also being ostensibly a take on Dracula, and in particular I bring up his Jersey look because "Dracula in common clothing" is a criminally underrated concept for a joke.

As a character, I'm very partial to comedy takes on Dracula that play him up as a decadent aristocratic supervillain, the kind that can get away with talking in third person. I also have this idea for a version of Dracula who dresses ostentatiously in finely-broidered Romanian or Transylvanian patterns, maybe even wearing a rug as a cape, claiming that he's carrying the legacy of his people on his back. And of course he's lying, he's not Vlad Tepes and he's not even Romanian, he is just a parasite pretending to have a history to be proud of, but good luck getting him to admit that. And finally, I'd like this version to be played by Charles Dance, and I consider it a tremendous crime against humanity that he has yet to play Dracula proper even despite being in a film with the character's name on the title.

So that's kinda how I would design a take on Dracula for something more comedic or more based around him as this guest character and personality on-set. Now, if we're talking a more serious version, I think the possibilities increase, and I won't be getting into all of them because I may prefer to keep them to myself, but I'll elaborate a few ideas.

For example, the edition of Dracula I personally own comes with these really scratchy, really creepy B&W illustrations related to the story, that I can't find scanned online so I'm uploading them here so you can look at. They don't necessarily depict the scenes but rather some of the story's moments, like Van Helsing staking Lucy, Renfield in a straightjacket, Dracula as a coachman, and they are more focused on conveying the horror of the concepts at play.

Dracula never looks the same way in any of the illustrations, in fact you kinda have to piece him out of them by trying to find teeth or capes or eyes or bat-features to see where he's hiding this time. In the first, it's the half-man half-bat, in the 2nd, he's the shrieking bat silhouette next to Renfield, and in the latter, he's the gaping jaws and eerily humanoid eyes in the wolf. The effect to me almost feels like if you were to look at a bunch of tv static and then see a humanoid shape form for a split second before everything went back to normal, something like you'd get from Slender Man or other modern creepypastas, and I’ve argued before that Dracula’s form of horror is a very modern one.

In terms of illustrations of Dracula that keep up the original traits while still pulling off horror, I definitely have to hand it to the one at the left of the image above, drawn by regourso on Deviantart (account deleted at present). Going back to Castlevania’s many takes on Dracula, two in particular that stick out to me would be Castlevania: Judgment’s armored dress Dracula, who’s got this great twisted heart/rose motif going on in his outfit, and Dracula’s final form in SOTN where he just sits in his throne and his cape twists into all these monsters, particularly how it’s depicted by witnesstheabsurd’s depiction.

I’m not particularly a fan of how Dracula’s “final form” in these games is usually just some big demon, and part of what I like about his final form in SOTN instead is that, while it’s not a particularly challenging final boss, I do find it interesting the idea of us never actually getting to see what Dracula’s true final form looks like, only an ever-shifting pitch-black torrent of teeth and claws and bloody veins pouring out because that’s ultimately what Dracula is and brings to the world.

On the flip-side of the rotten old monster, we have the charming seductor Dracula, and while I’m really not a fan of how various adaptations have convinced people that “the point” of Dracula is that he’s a seductive force and an allegory for Victorian xenophobia and I’m reeeally even less of a fan of adaptations that make Dracula some misunderstood tragic hero (and I think I’ve made rather violently clear my feelings on interpretations that play up a romance between him and Mina), that the seductive force part exists is impossible to deny, so conversely, while on one hand we can have Dracula as the gargantuan whirlwind of predatory violence, we can also go for Dracula as the tantalizing lover.

I’ve seen a lot of opinions proclaiming Frank Langella as the best Dracula because he was the best at actually being seductive while still playing Dracula, although I haven’t yet seen his performances. If I had to point at one picture I look at and do buy for a second the idea of Dracula as a romantic character, it would be that particular still of Raul Julia in the left of the above image. And it’s strange for me to think of Raul Julia as attractive because I mainly associate him with his brilliant comedy performance of M.Bison (I know it’s far from the highlight of his career but, look, I grew up with Street Fighter, I can’t help it) but those eyes are definitely looking pretty convincing to me, if nothing else.

And I’ve included this still of Sebastian Stan in the right because, during a conversation between me, @krinsbez and @jcogginsa about who could be a good fit for Dracula, jcog suggested Sebastian Stan, partially because he’s Romanian, and I’ve learned recently that Stan was actually interested in playing the character in Blumhouse’s upcoming remake. And you’d think I’d hate this idea considering how much I don’t care for tragic anti-hero Draculas, but who says that’s what he’d have to play?

Do you have any idea how much actors, who are traditionally known for heroic or supporting roles, usually LOVE it when you give them a chance to cut loose as the main villain?

I’d want Sebastian Stan to put all of his charm, all of his talent, all of his good looks and etc, into playing the absolute most vicious, bloodthirsty and irredeemable Dracula put on screen. Someone who is exceedingly, eerily good at being a lovable protagonist, who’s all smiles and charming eyes and politeness mannerisms and maybe even a funny accent, and then it isn't as funny when he's flying through your window intent on kidnapping babies to feed to his brides, except he may take a moment or two to do so because he's feeling pretty hungry himself right now.

Now, admittedly this is kind of a lot to juggle in regards to a single character, which is why my answer for questions like these inevitably has to be “depends on what I’m going for”. That being said, if I was going to try and cast someone who I think could both look the part of Dracula, as well as respectively, play “cartoon aristocrat” Dracula, “mercurial embodiment of evil” Dracula, as well as realistically be an attractive, even seductive performer who can charm viewers even as the character descends into horrible villainy, and juggle these performances even?

I think I’d have to go with Mads Mikkelsen. Not specifically because of Hannibal (I actually haven’t watched it yet), although it’s definitely a factor, the thing that actually made me pick him specifically is, other than his looks, his voice, his reputation for playing sinister characters, the fact that he loves the role and wants to play it, or how many people are deeply in love with this man, or that people already joke that he looks like a vampire, was watching him in Another Round, and specifically that glorious final scene where he’s just dancing to his heart’s content and just, moving with such spring in his step and such joyful vitality even though he’s past his mid-fifties, and that was the moment where, in regards to how much you all love this man, I went

And now I am going to add “casting Mads Mikkelsen as a dancing Dracula” to The List of Reasons Why I Became a Filmmaker.

#replies tag #dracula #horror tag #bram stoker #charles dance #sebastian stan #mads mikkelsen #castlevania #raul julia #wwdits #what we do in the shadows #vladislav #nandor

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lovelyirony · 5 years

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54. “Come closer.” for IronWidow!

Fury’s Academy was considered a wonderful place for those of the world that were magical, mystic, or just described by most of the outside world as “weird.” Mermaids, vampires, werewolves, zombies, mummies, and any other creature attended and interacted with others.

But there was one that stood out especially, mainly because he was really the only one of his kind in a long time.

Tony Stark, resident man-made creature. Frankenstein’s monster, essentially. People weren’t exactly...made anymore. Tell that to his father, who had wanted a super-genius as a son and stitched him up and animated him and decided that he didn’t look human enough and ditched him.

Apparently, he also was strange enough that most of the monsters chose not to interact with him. They usually talked about him, looking at his bolts and stitches and different eyes.

Tony usually asked if they had a problem, flipped them off, or kept to himself. All he had to do was get out of this school, take an online university course or find somewhere that didn’t look at him as weird, and he’d be fine.

School wasn’t too bad. As long as he didn’t really make much attention for himself, the worst he got was a stare or two. And none of the really popular kids really gave him shit.

In fact, he kind of...liked one of them. Natasha, a fairy. She was someone that everyone wanted to be with, know, but she was also not trusted worth a damn. He couldn’t see why. The only time she would ever actively trick or deceive someone is if they were being an asshole first.

She also didn’t look at him like he was a freak. Just like he was another person in her world.

So yeah. She was also incredibly beautiful and had funny comments.

And then they have a group project. Tony hates group projects. Usually people ask if they can have his school email. He gives it to them, they email him about the project, and that way they don’t have to go to a coffee shop with someone as obvious as him. It’s fine.

The teacher assigns Tony to Natasha, Bucky, and Sam’s group. He looks up in surprise. He knows one eye goes wider than the other, and he sees Bucky’s gaze avert. Great.

Tony moves over to their space, taking a spare desk.

“So, uh, what do we wanna do?” Sam asks. His gaze is down.

“We’ll meet for coffee at Fae’s,” Natasha says. Her eye contact doesn’t break. “I can cover Napoleon in the early years, but I’ll need help setting up the presentation. Tony, wanna help me pick out the design?”

Tony starts.

“Uh, yeah,” Tony says. He doesn’t meet her eyes. “I can get there.”

“Great,” she responds with. “Bucky, Sam, please don’t be late or order a just-black coffee.”

“Okay prissy,” Sam says, rolling his eyes. “Not my fault that you can’t handle plain black.”

“It’s called having taste,” Natasha says. Tony smiles a bit. It’s just natural dialogue, something he’s never experienced. “Tony, what kind of coffee do you like?”

Tony freezes. No one’s really asked him a question like that before.

“Oh, um, I usually make my own,” he says. “But if I’m getting fancy coffee it’s usually something minty.”

“Good choice,” Bucky offers.

It’s a start, Tony realizes. They’re being nice to him.

He smiles as he exits the classroom. Even if the younger kids don’t look at him, at least some people were nice to him.

Natasha personally get why people treat Tony like he’s some sort of freak. He’s just like the rest of them, really. Has cool eyes, the kind that she wants.

“Are you sure about Tony?” Bucky asks.

“Yes,” Natasha says. “I think he’s nice and he needs some friends. We can be friends.”

“Okay,” Bucky says. “But if this backfires...”

“It won’t,” she says. “I know it won’t.”

Tony calls Sharon about this. She goes to a different school, but only because Peggy offered to take her. Tony isn’t really immediate family, even though he goes to all the holidays. At least the Carters don’t really treat him differently.

“They could be friendly,” Sharon says. “I know Natasha. She’s not mean on purpose at any time.”

“That’s good to hear,” Tony says, tinkering with a robot. “How are classes?”

“Good, except for my magical history class. We’re reading about some stupid bullshit human tale and assessing it. I’m currently on my seventh page of ranting.”

“Academic ranting?”

“Mostly. I think one or two curse words fell in. How are your classes going?”

“Eh, alright. People still don’t think that I’m just studying and working harder in engineering classes, but that’s to be expected when your brain technically isn’t all-the-way-your-own.”

“Fuck them dude,” Sharon says. “I know that you’re gonna kill the game.”

“Thanks Shar,” Tony responds, smiling. “I gotta go, we’re getting coffee pretty soon. Thanks for talking with me.”

“Any time, you know that. Love you!”

“Love you too.”

He breathes deeply, looking at his options. He chooses red plaid, a long jacket, and gloves. He can hide some of his changes, and that’s what he’s looking to do. Getting on his glasses and ear buds, he walks to the shop.

Natasha has already commandeered the best table in the shop. She waves to him and he waves back.

The barista is nice. Her name is Jane, and she tells him that his earrings (small skeletons) are very cute and she wishes she had a pair like that.

“I found them at the craft store,” Tony admits.

His drink is four dollars, but he tips her five. She grins and waves bye at him.

He sits with Natasha, who says that she ordered a caramel frozen drink.

“It’s already cold outside,” Tony teases.

“Worth it,” Natasha says, sipping some more. “How’s the mint?”

He’s surprised that she remembers. But he says it’s fine and he even manages to wave at Sam, who smiles and waves back.

He sets his stuff down. “What should I order? I’m thinking the blueberry or the pumpkin.”

“Blueberry,” Tony answers. “This shop always goes heavy on the flavoring for pumpkin and it tastes bad sometimes.”

“You sound like you’re a regular,” Sam says.

“My cousin Sharon and I used to come here all the time before she went to study abroad,” Tony says.

“Sharon Carter?” Sam asks, eyes wide. “Holy shit, you have the coolest cousin in the world!”

“Sam has a bit of a crush on her,” Natasha adds helpfully. Sam flips her off and goes to order his coffee.

Bucky comes in, holding treats.

“From Ma,” he adds. “Tony, you like peanut butter?”

“I can’t say I’ve tried the cookie form of it,” Tony says, taking one.

It’s...normal. They don’t ask him questions about his stitching or his eyeballs or anything else. They ask him about his favorite colors and least favorite songs, and Natasha actually shares his same sense of humor.

He finds out that she lives kind of by him. Two blocks down. She knows Ana and Jarvis because they walk their dog in the morning before school and say hi to her when she’s out walking her cat.

“Your cat is Cinnamon?” Tony blurts. “Oh my god, you’re the reason why Ana wants to get a cat!”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Natasha responds. “But hey, if you ever wanna come closer to see Cinnamon, feel free.”

“Same goes for seeing our dog,” Tony says. Friday loves the attention of basically anyone, and Natasha smiles.

“Definitely. See you on Monday?”

“I’ll see you on Monday.”

Tony grins to himself as he gets to his house. He thinks that this is finally a good start.

#i always put a 'keep reading' link as i'm writing and then as soon as i hit post it disappears #that's homophobia at it's finest tbh #lovelyirony writes #natasha romanoff #tony stark #sam wilson #bucky barnes #YES ANA AND JARVIS RAISE TONY #IT'S GOOD

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captainhysunstuff · 6 years

Text

11 Questions: tagged by @espiadimonis Thanks for taggin’ me! :D

Answer the questions given to you by the tagger

Write 11 question of your own

Tag 11 people

1.If you could have one piece of death note merchandise of any kind, what would it be?

Any of the Death Note Nintendo DS video games. I want them mainly for the artwork on the boxes, but I’d attempt to play them~.

2.What’s your favourite 3D animated movie?

Monsters Inc. I don’t much care for the prequel; I want a SEQUEL.

3.What superpower would you like to have?

The ability to create invisible barriers; think Violet from The Incredibles. I wouldn’t need an umbrella in the rain, and I could protect things before they hit the ground (put a quick barrier/bubble around them)!

4.Favourite piece of clothing?

Scarves or anything that can drape around your shoulders. I just bought a shawl, and I love it to death!

5.Who’s your favourite Sailor Scout?

Sailor Jupiter. I always loved her abilities and personality when I was a kid.

6.Do you prefer potato chips or chocolate?

Chocolate! I probably don’t eat it as often as I do chips, but I certainly love chocolate more~.

7.What song makes you feel melancholic?

Most of the Bee and Puppycat soundtrack makes me tear up for some reason, but if I had to choose a specific track: “Having Fun on My Birthday” and “Dad” (they’re pretty much the same song; “Dad” is slightly extended)

8.Which dn character would you invite to Spaceland(the amusement park)?

I’m tempted to say Mikami because it’d be funny, and he probably wouldn’t ride any rides unless pestered to. I don’t really ride rides, either; I just go to the food places and hang out. But it would be fun to tease him and see which ones he’d cave in to, and I’d also ride them for his sake. But, I’d probably have more fun with Matsuda~. He’d probably be the one pestering me to ride the rides. He would also tolerate my not riding rides, though, and just be fun to hang out with. So, I’d ultimately choose Matsuda.

9.What’s the funniest movie you ever watched?

Mel Brooks’ Young Frankenstein! Watch it if you haven’t!

10.You can only choose one pokémon! Which one do you choose?

Absol!

11.What made you happy recently?

That Thanksgiving went by fairly smoothly. =__=

My Questions:

1. Have you ever walked out of a movie theater before the movie ended?

2. Who is your least favorite character in all of media (TV, movies, books, video games...)?

3. What is your favorite art style?

4. What school subject do you feel is the least necessary?

5. What should be taught in all schools that takes priority over the least necessary subject?

6. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

7. What was your first favorite ship (you may take this as a literal boat-ship or a relationship in a form of media of your choice~)?

8. Is there a scent that you like that everyone else seems to hate?

9. What’s your favorite music genre? If you don’t have a favorite, which one do you return to the most often?

10. Where would you most like to visit?

11. Which language do you wish you could understand and speak fluently?

I tag: @purple-paws, @gobi-caeruleus, @the-fallen-nightingale, @poffinmoffin, @ori-kun, @themindoflore, @nocturneproductions, @abbadon-abandon, @vitwixt, @girlwiththefoxhat, @greedthehomunculi

Feel free to ignore if you don’t wanna~. I’m no good at tagging peeps~. XD

#11 questions #this was fun~#thanks for taggin' me!#questionnaire

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geek-gem · 7 years

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It 2017

8:21 pm okay had to click in the description thing three times. Yet also I wanted to put the time because been at home for a while.

But I'll get to this. Yes I've seen the film I saw it with my Nana, brother, and his friend who's a very close neighbor of ours on our street.

I'll just get to it I liked it quite a bit or a lot. Basically I enjoyed it. Will say it did frightened me quite a bit.

But I'll put that there and I wanna say some stuff first. I'm gonna say okay I missed OK KO and I noticed when we got back in my Nana's car it was 7:01 pm meaning I missed the second showing. Felt disappointed or sad. Honestly hoping tomorrow or some time this week that new episode is showcased. Including I don't usually record shows because to...keep my interests hidden at times.

Yet seeing this film honestly quite a good time. I'm gonna speak a bit about well not just the film yet other stuff. I've never seen the original mini series but I've seen Nostalgia Critic's review of it. Despite I'm not the biggest fan of his anymore and that was years ago. Also I was surprised it was a mini series also Canadian because Canadians make some good shit. Despite yeah I know it's based upon this novel.

Including last night was seeing a bit of clips from the original where Tim Curry is playing Pennywise seriously lovely actor this is Nigel Thornberry and other characters.

Also I haven't had the most exposure to the character of Pennywise but mainly if you don't mind me calling you friend @bakhtaks-blog who's a horror fan and likes Pennywise but honestly over the years the character and story has been around for quite a long time.

I don't wanna sound stupid yet I'm seriously surprised by the amount of interest this film had. I'm worried I'm sounding a bit hypocritical but it's maybe because I think horror fans don't get much interest because well their horror films almost left fans. So I'm honestly sounding stupid but it amazes me how much this film generated interest in the public.

It's probably because of some reasons. Including just... really it's in a way not a remake or reboot. But a official movie adaptation or part 1 since it's not the whole book. I kind of feel Pennywise being part of pop culture I'm sorry I'm just surprised by so many people wanting to see this. Because to me I hardly see people get excited for anything horror related or that's just me.

Yet I was interested despite.....I keep having this mindset of horror related remakes reboots being considered the worst of the worst and seeing many. I was surprised at first people being excited for it. Yet I'm sounding stupid their must be a whole lot of other reasons that would make sense. Also advertising that's a big thing that generates interest at times.

Also I saw Jeremy Jahns review on Wednesday and I enjoy his content one of my favorite reviewers. I was surprised and seeing the Rotten Tomatos score last time I saw was a 90 percent. While I make my own opinions I was surprised by that.

Along with reading mainly found this in a comment that the director read the book five times I guess to get this film right. Yesterday on Rotten Tomatos I said that's dedication because that amazes me. Including the effort put into the film I'm just wow. Also the comment months ago that Stephen King himself said the movie was good.

Anyway I'm sorry I got off topic I'll start talking about the movie I honestly liked it. Including just seems like a stupid critical thing of me it starts kind of slow yet just really as the movie goes on it gets really good.

I'm gonna say this as well I honestly liked the characters mainly well the Loser's Club where it's these kids. Really all the kids act very well. Including at times their were moments that were really funny that eases off the stress of some parts. In fact including Jeremy Jahns mentioned this and the Rotten Tomatos score this film has quite some heart. Which I don't wanna sound stupid I kind of rarely see in horror related stuff basically movies. Theirs some character development and some sad moments that make you honestly care about what's going on.

I was quite interested on what's going on and the finale seriously the way it goes down I saw people actually clapping in my theater when this finale was going down. Because if seriously felt very full filling and seeing these characters after all the shit they've gone through you feel like your very happy.

That's something I now talked about now let's talked about Pennywise seriously the actor who plays him does such a good job. I feel his performance as the character I felt this fear and just the way he acted and moved. I thought it was very well done.

Including I'm gonna say seriously even my brother honestly he was just...meh to me he was bothersome yet going to this movie was his idea and before that me and my Nana talked about it possibly. Seriously ether it's just me not seeing horror movies in some time at times. Also new ones I'm kind of a pussy. Just like with Annabelle Creation I seriously had my right hand up at times. Including my brothers saying who's 5 years younger then me that it's okay or something. Including before seeing this movie he said he doesn't like scary movies and... I remembered I guess it was cause of a friend he said who read it and I guess he wanted to see it.

Yet really at times I felt frightened. But yeah their are certain jump scares and this is my first time seeing the film. But their are at times mainly it's with the characters I'm worried of just what's gonna pop up. I seem to sound stupid. But I wanted to talk about that.

In fact adding to that and well the film is quite brutal. In fact adding to this you actually see well in a way children dying on screen or facing certain stuff. Basically the film isn't holding back. Honestly from what I can think it wouldn't be the first film to do this. One film I can count is Aliens Vs Predator 2 Requiem yet let's just say well I hate that film very fucking much because of how fucking horrible it is.

But really also other horror films yet.... really teenagers are still considered children. Yet the way it's handled where it adds to it being disturbing and makes you feel uncomfortable. Because basically just seeing certain images and just the film doesn't hold back. Or that's just me it might yet okay maybe it didn't went all out all I don't know. I'm saying that because I feel someone might have a different opinion then me. Yet seriously it's brutal.

Also I kind of question well I'm a fan of a franchise FNAF where the lore includes murdered children.

Honestly just a lot of the film was good. Also the score and just...I liked it quite a bit. Including before that well mainly yesterday I read a comment and saw a thumbnail I thought I might of been spoiled. Yet I feel the ending wasn't spoiled for me because it was another scene.

Including will say along with the brutal quite gruesome I don't wanna sound stupid yet I'm warning you if you wanna see it beware of that. Their are certain scenes that might disturb you. Yet that's kind of the point of a horror film. Almost put yet again but I'm surprised just seriously the heart and develop

Well was kind of scared when honestly my bros friend and my bro just came into my room. Just his friend also he's my friend as well opened the door slowly. They were just looking yeah long ago my bro used my room to film something. Then they left I closed the door I'm getting off topic.

Really I enjoyed the film a lot. Including gonna spoil well it is the ending but also it happens before the credits start. So be warned but it's nothing huge yet just saying it's basically before the credits just informing audiences.

Before I saw the movie like the past few or two days or yeah few days. I found out this is the first part in a duoilgy of movies. With this film focusing on the view point of the characters as children. With the 2nd I'm gonna expect yeah it being focused on them as adults.

Including this made me think and reading from a comment that the book is huge even told my Nana after the movie. Also it made me think of Stephen King liking the film and it's not a simple remake reboot or...it's something else it some what is a remake reboot whatever but a more faithful to the source material and a lot of people seem to be happy.

If the book is that huge it's great the director and everyone else decided to do that. Including it helps out with the development of characters.

When the film ended it shows the title and then shows the words in front of the title chapter one. Then a guy that was some what in front of us to the right on some seats down said oh shit or something like that yeah he said oh shit. Not loudly but a simple oh shit it was silly and it seemed to be those words.

Also I remember now what I was gonna say in a interview I haven't seen the interview yet. But the actors I saw these words on Rotten Tomatos decided to choose actors for their older selves. Seems like something funny. I'm guessing maybe they might said some outrageous casting choices lol.

Other then that I had a good time almost left the word food ha. Really it's been quite a long time while I enjoyed Annabelle Creation and really interested in the Conjuring franchise. Seeing this film just it reminded me of other certain horror films that are considered masterpieces in some sorts. Basically ones that are very good.

Because I was seriously surprised by how well done it was because no offense probably because of certain films I watch I'm so used to some regular bullshit. Not all of them are bad. Yet really just....I think I shouldn't compare some slasher films to this. Yet the Universal Monsters films their originals seem amazing haven't watched them all yet. Remember seeing much of the original Frankenstein in high school but never finished the film.

Also slasher film their was a new Leatherface trailer before the film looks quite nice. Yet... probably because no offense my interest in slasher films including ones starting my favorite characters from films I generally liked it. Yet it could be good or enjoyable like actually good because this year has been quite good with horror films. Unless I've missed something.

So let me say this when I got home said hi to family a bit said the film was good or just I liked it a lot I think the 2nd part is more likely oh stomach, said it frightened me and agreed it was scary. Took a shower, and just was hanging out with family my cousin T and his girlfriend and their baby girl were here. I didn't wanna be awkward and not be around. Which is why I didn't make this sooner. The baby girl spit or yeah throw up on my mom behind her back before I could ask if I could hold her again. Including my mom was closing the blinds. Luckly it was all cleaned up. Then to hold the baby was nervous and she touched my beard....I was surprised. Yet was nervous and even said I thought I was strangling her but wasn't including my cousin T telling me how to hold her in some ways.

Also went through two shirts just...also washed my beard and...don't like my shirts being touched by people ha.

I think that's mostly all ha. Was thinking just ha almost left must but forget the tag just...ticks. Now almost left get just....I enjoyed the film and wanted to tell you. That's my reaction review shit ha must chill just ticks ha 9:19 edit 9:20 just mtv 1 on just and remote won't work again g just...oh dare to live is on just ticks ha

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mingmagazine-blog · 7 years

Photo

Fun Fact Friday: Stupid Laws are Stupid

We often hear that the United States is a ‘nation of laws’ from politicians. What people often fail to realize is that a lot of those laws are either not based on any kind of morality or they’re outright stupid.

Some laws are written for valid reasons that cease to exist months after they’re written. The business of repealing laws is ugly, though, so they just fester on the books. Some laws are so stupid that people have written about them for years and nothing has been done to get rid of them. They could be outright racist or misogynistic. Some are ludicrous because of where they’re written and the fact that the locality doesn’t lend itself to the law ever being violated. Some just make you scratch your head at why anyone would bother writing them.

Here are some that made us giggle.

You don’t have mountains, Nebraska

Just look at that skyline. Drive safely.

Nebraska is nice and landlocked with nary a mountain in sight except to the west on a clear day. That didn’t stop some busybody politician from proposing a law that didn’t apply within the state mandating that people drive carefully on dangerous mountain roads. It was written in 1957, but it’s still there.

Newsflash: the laws of physics trump the laws of dumb politicians every time. When people don’t obey this one, no punishment the law can dole out is as bad as the one gravity is sure to give you. Did we mention that it doesn’t even apply in Nebraska?

Here’s how it reads:

NRS484B.120 Driving on defiles, canyons or mountain highways.

The driver of a motor vehicle traveling through defiles or canyons or on mountain highways shall hold such motor vehicle under control and as near the right-hand edge of the highway as reasonably possible.

In Tennessee, holding hands means pregnancy

Oh, you know what comes next…

They actually passed a law in TN that makes it illegal for students to hold hands during school hours because hand-holding is a gateway to sex. It was, in the TN house, called The Gateway Sexual Activity Bill. That’s right. In the state of Tennessee, they think that handholding results in sex. You might think this was a 1950s law. You would be wrong. This was 2012.

TN lawmakers: Find a computer. Visit UrbanDictionary.com. Read any random definition. Congratulations. You just discovered that kids these days know more about sex than you ever will. They write all those definitions, and you won’t protect them from sexual activity by preventing them from holding hands. Handholding is the last thing on the mind of a kid who can describe, in great detail, what a ‘flying camel’ is. Hell, he’s probably done it.

Don’t Harass the Squatches

In Skamania County, Washington, you had better not mess with Sasquatch. Nevermind the fact that you’re potentially dealing with a massive hominid from the Pleistocene era. The law is coming for you, Jim. Stupid law is stupid because if anyone actually finds a ‘squatch and doesn’t mess with it like they’re the star of a Jack Link’s commercial, we’ll lynch that guy.

Yeah, so this dumb law was written in the late ’60s (could it be LSD-related?), and it’s called the ‘Undiscovered Species Protection Act.’ How do you not mess with a sentient hominid? How? If you mess with any of the species outlined (Sasquatch, Bigfoot, Yeti, or Giant Hairy Ape <- I can’t believe they actually typed that), you can be fined up to $10K and spend a decade in jail. They take their ‘squatches super serial in Skamania County.

To this day, no one has broken this ordinance. It’s sad, really.

Don’t say Ar-Kan-SAS, or else…

God forbid you call the Capitol “Small Stone.”

It’s actually illegal and has been since 1881, to misspell or mispronounce the state name of Arkansas if you’re within the state of Arkansas. If you want to butcher it, you need to go to Mississippi (Missippi), Louisiana, or Oklahoma. Texas and Missouri have their own issues, and Tennessee gets a pass due to their accent.

The irony is that the state, under the governorship of William Jefferson Clinton, who would later become POTUS, went from 50th in the nation in education to 49th. Spelling wasn’t high on their priorities list prior to Slick Willie, let alone pronunciation.

The state’s name is, by their own definition in law, a native word bastardized by the French who are notoriously bad spellers (seriously, how many silent letters does one language really need), into what we have today. Given that fact, can we just admit that one really stubborn guy just got mad and made his way into a law?

Next time you’re there, make a point to pronounce it wrong to everyone and report back if you get arrested.

Color Books, not Chickens

At least they’re not goth chickens

In Akron, OH, don’t get caught with punk chickens or rabbits you want to sell or display. Apparently, this was enough of a problem that the city passed an ordinance. If you dye your chickens, you’re an evil person, indeed. I wonder what all those chicken dyers switched to after the law was passed in 1973. That must be where all those painted rocks came from.

I get that some parts of some states can be pretty boring. If decorating rabbits and chickens is a pastime so prevalent that it needs a law to prevent it, maybe find other entertainment? The Pro Football Hall of Fame is right there in Canton, people. There’s a Rubber Museum somewhere up there. Wait, that closed. Cleveland is like, an hour away. Never mind. There’s nothing to do in Cleveland either. I guess just dye chickens on the DL. Maybe start a club where the first rule is that you do not talk about Dye Club.

Trailer denizens, you must move before you move

The best way to avoid Jehovah’s Witnesses

In Anchorage, AL, you aren’t allowed to live in a trailer you’re dragging across town. The full text of the ordinance is, “No person may occupy a house trailer while it is being moved upon a public street.” Now, I understand what they were going for here, but what they ended up doing is making it illegal to live in the thing if it was moving. So, do you need to put in a change of address before you move it, or maybe live with your parents?

I suppose the real question here is, how many people were having breakfast in their trailer while their friend was dragging it to a new location? I suppose the answer is, enough to make it illegal. It should only take one, I suppose. That one guy always ruins it for the rest of us.

Greasy thieves face felony charges

Keep your grease thefts small

Grease theft became a big deal with the advent of biofuels. It became illegal to steal grease and a felony to steal grease with a street value of $1,000 in North Carolina in 2012 (several other states far earlier). The really funny part of this story is not that grease theft is apparently a bigger deal than anyone cared to know, but that there are people who objected to the law on the basis that it shifts the grease market playing field to favor large grease corporations.

That’s right, folks. The gub’mint is in cahoots with big grease to squeeze out the little guy. From the linked article we learn that, not only are there big grease corporations in North Carolina but also that there are small-time, mom-and-pop (if you will) grease slingers. Let’s not forget that we now all know that people steal grease. Shittiest heist movie, ever.

Wisconsin surreptitiously avoids peasant uprisings

No torches for you!

I suppose completely out of fear of their very own French Revolution, Wisconsin made it illegal to wave around torches. Their laws concerning the ‘Negligent handling of burning material‘ basically amount to an end run around the likelihood that the rabble might storm the steps of the capitol building in an effort to redress their grievances. Pretty sneaky there, Wisconsin.

No torch waving for you Cheese Heads. If you’re beset by a Frankenstein’s monster, you’ll need to use flashlights or lanterns to light the way. Maybe bring along a zippo for the bonfire part of the uproar, though. It’s pretty difficult to burn monsters at the stake without flint. I wonder if that includes fireworks. Fireworks are basically ‘negligently handled burning material’ from the time you light the fuse.

Don’t bite off legs in Rhode Island

That’s gonna leave a mark

Firstly, we should all know that Rhode Island is not actually an island. Secondly, if you do anything silly there, like bite off someone’s leg or something, you’re going to spend a minimum of a year in jail. You heard that right. A minimum of one whole year. I mean, you may spend 20 years, but you’re guaranteed that year.

This law is stupid mainly because of wording. We know that when they said ‘bite off’ they meant fingers and ears and stuff, but it comes just before ‘disable’ and ‘limb.’ That conjures an interesting visual of a serious donnybrook where people lose eyes, have arms broken, perform appendectomies, and that one guy chews off a leg.

I suppose it’s safer to bar-brawl in RI than in West Virginia, though, as a result of this law. Was it ever legal to chew off someone’s leg anywhere in the world? Makes you wonder if maybe they wrote this one out of necessity.

So many stupid laws

There are so many stupid laws that there are websites dedicated to not only describing them but having them repealed. It’s illegal to shoot any game from a moving vehicle with the sole exception of whales… in Kentucky. You can’t let your wife drive your car down Main St. unless you walk in front of her waving red flags in Waynesboro, VA. It’s illegal to have a boner in public in Kenosha, WI. You are forbidden to sell your own eyeballs in Texas. Arizona soap thieves must continue to scrub until the soap they stole is completely gone.

There are more idiotic laws than people who know about them. The question you should ask is, do we really need more?

Add your examples of stupid laws in the comments. I’ll bet there are some insane ones we couldn’t find that you’re just itching to discuss. Don’t be bashful.

#chickens #fighting #Fun Fact #Fun Fact Friday #grease #hand-holding #law #legal #legislation #mobile homes #mountains #pronunciation #rules #sasquatch #stupid #Humor

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mingmagazine-blog · 7 years

Photo

Fun Fact Friday: Stupid Laws are Stupid

Here are some that made us giggle.

You don’t have mountains, Nebraska

Just look at that skyline. Drive safely.

Here’s how it reads:

NRS484B.120 Driving on defiles, canyons or mountain highways.

In Tennessee, holding hands means pregnancy

Oh, you know what comes next…

Don’t Harass the Squatches

To this day, no one has broken this ordinance. It’s sad, really.

Don’t say Ar-Kan-SAS, or else…

God forbid you call the Capitol “Small Stone.”

Next time you’re there, make a point to pronounce it wrong to everyone and report back if you get arrested.

Color Books, not Chickens

At least they’re not goth chickens

Trailer denizens, you must move before you move

The best way to avoid Jehovah’s Witnesses

Greasy thieves face felony charges

Keep your grease thefts small

Wisconsin surreptitiously avoids peasant uprisings

No torches for you!

Don’t bite off legs in Rhode Island

That’s gonna leave a mark

So many stupid laws

There are more idiotic laws than people who know about them. The question you should ask is, do we really need more?

Add your examples of stupid laws in the comments. I’ll bet there are some insane ones we couldn’t find that you’re just itching to discuss. Don’t be bashful.

#chickens #fighting #Fun Fact #Fun Fact Friday #grease #hand-holding #law #legal #legislation #mobile homes #mountains #pronunciation #rules #sasquatch #stupid #Humor

0 notes