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calmskiesfierynights · 6 years

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Okay. Does anyone else on here or who happens to be one of my amazing followers get accused of having a “bitch-face” ? Am I the only one who finds it extremely condescending and demeaning?

Let me throw you some background.

When I got a job in a serious business atmosphere at around the age of 18, I was scared. Being a science major just wanting to pay the bills... I couldn’t be more out of my element. But hey, suck it up right? Parents won’t pay your tuition and you don’t have a back up trust. I started off super young, since I was about 10-12 years younger than a bunch of (albeit lovely) sales people and coworkers.

I was nervous, and trying so hard just to keep my job - but apparently I was doing great work! I just wouldn’t...

“Why don’t you smile more love?”

“Darling, you have such a pretty smile?”

“You’re so unapproachable.”

It’s the first time I had heard it from someone other than my mother lecturing me on how I would never find anyone since I looked like “such a bitch”. Great.

18 years old and I have a meeting with five grown ass men in suits that cost probably more than my tuition for the upcoming year combined. They all stood while I sat, most likely shaking but refusing to stare look down. What the fuck could I have done? Did I miss a finance deadline? Did I misplace an invoice?

No.

“You’re a pretty girl with the nicest smile, and one of our clients said you didn’t smile at him like he wanted. Now, this causes some concern...”

I cannot even remember the rest because I blocked it. Shoved it so deep into my thoughts and never wanted to process it again. My spine was rigidly straight, something I learned the past years before as I fought to have a restraining order against my teacher who made extremely inappropriate advances on me.

By the way... he still has his job. I’m still the butt of the joke in the faculty lounge I hear. Not that I’d ever go back or think of high school... honestly.

I gave them a nod, noting my understanding through gritted teeth and smiled widely. The owner was thrown aback.

The day before I had gotten my braces put in for the first time. My mouth felt like someone had begun to pull and shove and throttle from every tooth. I was in undescribable pain. I explained this, naturally.

They all then laughed and excused me, telling me they were going to call the client and apologize on my behalf. 18-year-old me bit her tongue, but let it be. It was the first time someone thought I was a bitch just because of my face, but I guess it was the first time someone tried to get me fired because I didn’t please them aesthetically.

I stayed at that job far and far too long to realize my education was taking a toll and my resolve was shattering. On the upside, my confidence and communication skills mastered, and I could get myself out of any hard situation with an unhappy client. But, the money woes went on... so next stop was the world of waitressing and bartending.

Amazingly, and probably not too shockingly - it gets worse from here.

I was amazing at my job. Not just amazing, but fantastic - and could literally upsell any beer or meal better than anyone. Make the perfect Bourbon Sour? Only me. Old Fashion? I was Queen of them. I had gotten my braces off, and my teeth were perfect. I’m not even being a cocky snot, but man my ortho really did art! My “bitch-face” got comments here and there, but luckily my boss thought it was one of my quirks. Men liked it apparently, because it made me more fun to banter with.

Banter, I can dig it.

But the other comments, I guess you can say they got to me?

“Such a pretty blonde, why don’t you give me a smile?” That came with a tap on the tush. Perhaps I was too new or young? Because in the same setting three years later I stapled a man’s hand for doing that. This time however, back then, I could only muster a small smile.

I could go on for ages about that place, but it was mostly good memories clouded with patrons calling me the “fuck-you face chick” or the “I wonder if I could do something to make her smile” with every innuendo intention.

Le grand sigh.

As my life began to move on, and I traveled and lived in different incredible places, I realized I had a lot to smile about. Also? I was so approachable apparently, and could make friends anywhere!

That made me think - did I always have this face? Or did the many many men who fucked me over throughout my life make me not so willing to give their entire gender a smile? I thought about it a lot, and moved back home to once again search for my dream job locally, and work in a new bar.

Alas, the demeaning mentions of my bitch-face didn’t come from patrons or drunks! No, but from management. Female management.

After being booked during my first week for six doubles (not weird but super tiring!), I guess you could say I was overwhelmed? Apparently, that translated right to my face.

My male GM sat me down for a formal meeting to tell me one of the owners, (female), thought I made too much of a scowling face when I worked and I looked absolutely miserable.

“She said that? I looked miserable?” I asked, genuinely shocked and appalled. I only wanted to do a good job to well... make money of course!

“Well... she used other words.” He said lightly, “You have a bit of a bitch-face.”

Boom. There it was again. Hook, line, sinker.

This time however, I wasn’t going down. I gave him my million-watt perfect smile and cocked my head to the side. “Whatever do you mean?” I responded with sickly sweet inquiry.

I was out for blood, and they didn’t know it yet. I guess, neither did I?

I still needed to fund my life and my research, so I accepted the criticism and promised to do something about my face right away.

You know that petroleum jelly beauty pageant ladies use? Oh honey, I bought it and brought it to work. Before I went to any table, you could see me applying it in the staff alcove with exuberant enthusiasm. I was far too old for this bullshit of being afraid of my face, and a little too tired of hearing it. So hey, why not make a scene out of it?

It worked for a while, but I guess me becoming more comfortable and happy with my coworkers really made it all better in the end. I was genuinely smiling, which was lovely... I guess?

It lasted all of two months.

A new GM came in I don’t remember his name but it probably was misogynistic asswhipe, but don’t quote me on that. I’m only partly sure.

He had heard about my elusive face from upper management and greeted me as bitchface. Great. I didn’t speak to him for two weeks, and you know what men HATE? When you don’t acknowledge them. It’s not cute in their opinion.

Too fucking bad M. Asswhipe!

Having been a main bartender before, and now working with a co-bartender, I could be happier. Alas, this lovely new GM decided my bitchface was a little too strong.

“She’d be so much fucking hotter if she just smiled and did what I said.”

He said this, as if I wasn’t standing next to him, about to pour wine.

“He’d be so much hotter face-first in the deep fryer.” My comment won a lot more appreciation, naturally.

It didn’t get better for me, as all staff had a meeting while I was out of town, and their new job was to remind me to smile more and not have such a bitch-face.

This was a real topic. At a serious meeting. Of a well-known business. Led by Asswhipe GM and Not-so-Feminist Assistant Owner.

When the person I had been dating reminded me one night with a tinge of snark, I dropped all the plates in my hand. That was it, the straw that broke the camel’s back. I ran outside a cried. It doesn’t seem that dramatic right? Like why was THAT the moment I lost it?

I cried because I was so so so tired. Everyone I worked with was in on this against me, and I guess you could say I felt bullied. Every smiling demand, every leering man, every drunk creep, every sexual harassment... assault. It all surfaced in one giant clusterfuck of a Friday night dinner rush.

So I quit. Simply.

I got an incredible job in research that not only pays the bills well, but is giving me the most amazing experience to further my passion and goals in life. And you know what? Not one of the women or men I work with (who, might I add... especially about these incredible ladies... have more letters after their names than any of my ex-manager’s FULL names ever did) have ever even mentioned an inkling of my so-named Bitch Face. Not one. It’s never come up. I don’t need to smile to impress anyone, it’s what I can bring to the table that’ll blow their minds.

So, what the fuck was this little spiel?

Men have put me down for way too long. Women, well they have too, and I will do everything in my power to make sure I never become them.

Listen, I truly don’t know why I wrote this. But If I could even help one person out there understand that it’s not you it’s their shitty fucking asses, man job well fucking done go me!

Please embrace each other. Please lift each other up. Please pick us up. Please love yourselves. And fuck anyone who says you have to smile more or fix your bitch-face. Fuck them, find your place and I promise you - no one there will five a fuck if you have a little bit of a icy scowl in your bones.

- Lila.

#there was so much more I wanted to add and I probably will try tomorrow.#this is my struggle that you'll probably think is bull shit but I think is so relevant to today and how women are especially treated.#feel free to add or talk to me about the topic of the Bitch Face #bitch face #lila for ts #my posts #personal #kind of ???#okay bye.#I am so tired

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galadrieljones · 6 years

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Eleven

Tagged by @thevikingwoman for this one. Thanks, you! ^^

1. Post the rules 2. Answer the questions given to you by the tagger 3. Write 11 questions of your own 4. And tag 11 people

1. First fandom you read fanfics for?

Nineties boybands! *NSync, Backstreet Boys, and Hanson specifically. I wrote some, too. o.O

2. Favorite way to relax?

Wine, a TV show I’ve already seen a million times (currently that’s Party of Five), and doing stuff like this questionnaire on tumblr. Also, when husband and I want to relax together, we’ll make popcorn and watch documentaries on Netflix.

3. Something you disliked as a kid/teen but like now?

...myself? Eep, sorry if that’s too heavy. It took me forever to figure out that I was a person. I feel like I was always striving to be some other person--some other girl. I was like an identity chameleon. Part of this was that the things I was good at and really loved doing, I kept a secret, because my parents didn’t understand them and would therefore kind of approach with suspicion: writing, art, music. I played sports in high school and masqueraded as a jock for a long time. I was popular, and I dated jocks, hung out with jocks, mostly till I was in college. In college, finally out from under household suspicion, I kind of got rid of all that. I dated different kinds of boys and sang a cappella and majored in creative writing. The creative writing success got me into graduate school, where I specialized further and finally eventually figured out what the fuck I was doing, and I found the parts of me I liked, and I used those, and the other parts, the worse parts, most of which were bad habits, I took note of, so I could fix them over time. I learned to be like, “I’m not perfect, but that doesn’t mean I’m a shitty person.” It honestly took me until about I was 30.

Oddly, I did end up marrying a jock. But he was like the boy version of me in high school--he was good at sports, and it was easy to masquerade as someone who loved them and to participate in the culture they inspired. I still love sports, but tbh I’m much happier in my quiet writer lady existence and very glad I found my intellectual jock husband.

4. How far away do you live from the place you were born?

About 2,000 miles.

5. One thing there HAS to be in Dragon Age 4, which does NOT involve Solas

My facking Inquisitor. I have several. They do not all romance Solas.

6. Favorite fanfic trope

When characters dress up and go to a fancy party!!

7. How many first cousins do you have?

I don’t actually know? Part of my family is estranged. I know for sure there are ten.

8. (I’m stealing this one!) You’re stranded on a desert island. What three fictional characters are there to help you survive or escape?

John Locke (Lost), Lara Croft (Tomb Raider), Clarke Griffon (The 100)

(I have no survival skills and am a major mouse so I need the best of the best.)

9. What do you eat for breakfast?

Uh, a donut. Lol.

10. If you lived in Thedas, would be prefer to be a mage or not? Why? Which race would you want to be?

No. Magic is an unwieldy construct to me. In Thedas, I don’t know which race I’d prefer, but I think I WOULD be a merchant class human, like a blacksmith’s daughter, living in a mid-sized, sort of backwater city in the Free Marches or Ferelden.

11. Most beautiful nature you have seen?

The views from Big Sur. The sublime weirdness of Wyoming. I love the canyons of Orange County. The night sky from my brother-in-law’s cabin in Carmel Valley, CA. I haven’t travelled much. I’ve been all over France and England, and we’re going to Greece and Italy next year, and I am very excited. Of everything I’ve seen, I feel like I still always love the desolate, feral natural world of California best. Probably it’s because it’s just right in my aesthetic.

My Questions:

What is your favorite plant?

Did you dress up as anything for Halloween this year? If so, what? If not, what would you like to dress up as in the future, given the opportunity?

(Stealing) What is something you disliked as a teenager, but like now?

How do you feel about your hometown?

Your favorite Dragon Age related headcanon?

What is the first fandom you wrote fan fiction for? How old were you?

What is your dream career?

(Also stealing this one) If you had to be stranded on a desert island, which three fictional characters would you bring with to help you escape/survive?

What is your FAVORITE breakfast?

Do you have any tattoos? If not, would you ever consider getting one?

What is one of the most important things you have learned (about anything) in the past year?

tags for @buttsonthebeach @wrenbee @amburururu @littleblue-eyedbird @ladylike-foxes @whosafraidofthebigbaddreadwolf @tel-abelas-mofo @thatoneelfwitch @iawv @hansaera (Only if you want!!) <3

#eleven meme #about me

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fergalamorous · 4 years

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9 Years Later

I always forget about this survey for a few years and then stumble upon it. I wrote it years ago for facebook notes and dig it up to add to it when I find it. Its nice to look back on who I was at the time and reflect on how I’ve changed. I think each time I’ve taken it so far I’ve been with a different boy. I think I’ll keep up this tradition as long as I remember it.

Just for reference here is the numbering of the years I’ve taken it.

1. 2011 possibly. 17yo, dating one boy (M), thirsting after another(J).

2. 2012-13 I think, 18yo with J, either long distance or about to be long distance

3. 2015-16, 21ish in Boston again, post break up, dating Z

4. 2018, 23yo still in Boston, single, working on degree and career.

5. 2019 25 yo still in Boston, single working on degree, no longer a woman

[[(3 commentary)found a post I made 3 years ago when I was still with John where I went back and answered questions I had answered when I was still with Malcolm. I have decided to continue this tradition now that I am with a new boyfriend and have many years of experience to boot. Who knew what an old facebook survey would evolve into over 4 years.

(2 commentary)I found a note on my facebook that I wrote 4 days before I broke up with M and J and I started dating. Here is me retaking the quizy doodle with original answers still in tact. John had commented “interesting.”]]

Do you think things will change in the next 3 months?

1. Positive

2. Moving up to Boston is a change I do believe.

3. Enough has changed in the past two months that three months of no changes seems like a godsend.

4. Aside from the commitee i’m on, this semester is pretty set in stone.

5. I will have applied to all my grad schools and released my second album Look On Songbird and officially be in my last semester of undergrad

Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?

1. Mom

2. John.

3. Quack

4. my father

5. My momma

Waiting for something?

1. Sanity

2. John to be done with homework, I’m hopelessly bored.

3. short term, my first no shift weekend so i can finally relax. long term a visit from Quack Duck

4. Ski trip in the mountain with my fellow gays

5. December, self appointed due dates for grad apps and album release

Connection between you and the last person who text messaged you?

1. I (2.Definitely) can’t remember

3. Long Distance boyfriend

4. Last failed hetero-romance/now nearly best friend.

5. My best friend/ little sister Linda (who is 14 and the coolest)

You never know what you got until you lose it? True or false?

1. Definitely true, the truest true.

2. True. And then by some merciful act of God (but really you did it) you get it back again and you make sure to never let it go again. And that’s how I got my groove back.

3. True, but sometimes you know exactly what you have and still need to let it go. And thats when you realize you didn’t actually know at all what you had.

4. I could write a wispy answer about true love, but the most i’ve lost recently is my keys.

5. I mean, most recently, kind of. In a kind of opposite point of view, I thought I knew exactly what I had until he did something to lose me.

Do you want to see somebody right now?

1. I want to crawl underneath a huge blanket and have somebody take all my calls because I’m busy being a blanket. 2. John, constantly. Marissa too, it’s been forever since I’ve seen her. 3. My mom, my sister, Marissa, David, Quack, Michael. Its funny because (aside from david) when I first wrote this I was able to see all of them every day 4. I wish I could see my mom still. We talk every day but I miss her. 5. My little sister. I see her everyday but she really has become my rock recently and I wish I could see her all the time. And my mom.

Are you happy?

1. To some extent

2. Yes. I’m happier than I’ve been all month.

3. I have suffered through so much with the break up and continue to suffer through being back in massachusetts… but I am beginning to feel happiness from inside myself. Contentedness at the direction my life is heading.

4. Yes, to some extent. Things are looking up every day and I really am coming into my own in school. 5. I’ve honestly been having a terrible summer/semester. As I careen into the depths of winter and closer and closer to the submissions I have to make in December I cant help but fear for how it will feel to put myself out there, academically, creatively, emotionally, and if I can mentally handle rejection of that scale? I am very fragile rn.

Is any part of you sad at all?

1. Yes

2. Is it bad that some part of me is always a little sad? That if I try, I can dig it up and be sad instead of happy?

3. No past me, it’s not bad it’s called depression and if you let it, which you do, it will consume your life. But yes to answer the question, a large part of me is sad deep down. Deep down I’m not at all happy with where I am in life and even if I am in a wonderful relationship with someone who is so supportive and understanding I know that it is not enough to wipe away all my sadness of the events that have happened over the passed year.

4. I feel saddened by very little lately as I’m currently taking these amazing antidepressants that both treat my crippling depression and my ADHD in one fell swoop…. but yes. I still occasionally feel bad about how I left things with certain people. 5. Protip future and past Ren, the antidepressents sent you into a mania from all the good that happened in 2018, seriously strap in that was the best year of your life. And you knew it. But 2019 brought the pain. You came out as trans and crashed from a new pill to take you out of your manic state. So yeah, I’m sad. I’m on now two antidepressents and a mood stabilizer to keep me from wanting to die.

In 4 months, how old will you be?

1. 17

2. 18

3. 21

4. one month shy of 24

5. 25

How are you feeling at this moment?

1. flustered.

2. Bored.

3. Awake at 4 am you tell me.

4. nostalgic 5. Productive, about to walk to chemistry society and get shit done.

What made you laugh last?

1. Conversation last night

2. John making funny voices at me telling me to get online. :3

3. The fact that my boyfriend thought that saying “I’ll wait for the next elevator” and then hanging up is an appropriate way to end a skype conversation. I laughed for like 7 minutes. Its my favorite.

4. my physics lab group being dork

5. Someone having road rage, because whats the point.

Are you drunk?

1. nope

2. I’m constantly blasted. I’m like cheesy blasters but with alcohol and no hot dog.

3. Oh poor past lauren. Never touched alcohol. Just you wait til your first big heart break it happens when you turn twenty one and shit gets weird yall.

4. lol yeah its called signs symptoms of inherited alcoholism (exactly the reason you didn’t drink as a teenager) that can be linked with your disorder and the high impulsivity and low self control that comes with iiiiit. made you push your partner away, make increasingly horrible decisions over the years, and contributed heavily to the depression after the break up! so no I’m not drunk. I’m currently and for the past half a year or more been working on becoming completely sober. Life has been much better since.

5. Good news! Still sober! But like actually. Still can attest my life, though in a bad place now, would be much worse if I started drinking again. Soriety was the best concious decision I’ve ever made.

Have you ever kissed a blonde-haired, blue-eyes person?

1. Nope.

2. Still no. I’ve kissed a mirror many times though. Not anything more than a peck and a wink though. I was a weird kid. 2 years ago.

3. Yes we share the same first and middle name and weirdly enough this time it wasn’t me kissing a mirror. She was a real human.

4. Yes still the same girl though. More into brunettes. 5. Yes. still the same girl. Turns out I have a thing for dark haired people more so than blondes.

Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 10 days?

1. Yes

2. Jill has.

3. Yes my dad hugged me goodnight

4. T and I hug goodbye. 5. My dad after I had a big talk with him about his misgendering me and how it makes me feel. I was sobbing and he told me he doesn’t care what gender I am. It was a beautiful moment.

If you had to choose between a million dollars or to be able to change a regret?

1. money just because the regrets are what shape me and who I am. I’d probably just put it in my savings because I have no use for it now.

2. Still money. I need college money. Unless I use the ability to change a regret to change my answer to money again, because that’d be a pretty big regret.

3. Change a regret. No matter how much I need the money. My biggest regret in life hadn’t happened yet when I’d answered the last two times and it’s now two almost three years after it happened. If I could go back and change everything I would. That way I could say I’ve hugged jill in the passed 10 days since I havent even spoken with her in the last 10 months…

4. My biggest regret has since been resolved and my best friend of over 10 years is back in my life for good I hope. Lesson learned, apologize and show your friends you care for them and want them in your life. I would still change the regret though. 5. Still regret.

Where will you be 2 hours from now?

1. With Mal

2. Hopefully talking to John. If not I don’t know, sleeping?

3. Please god sleep. I hope sleep. And not still doing this quiz thing.

4. boring answer but sleeping

5. Working on grad school applications, or maybe eating lunch with friends.

What’s bothering you right now?

1. If you really must know, there are some very important matters on my plate currently, next to the peas and carrots, and the decisions I have to make to resolve these matters are bothering me profusely, to the extent of near madness. I like saying I know what I want but you see, I can not say I know anything. Saying that is sheer foolishness. I would like to say I know what needs to be done, but you seem I can not say I’m able to do anything, and what I’m able to do I’m sure would be useless in resolving these bothersome matters, so I’ve yet to attempt them. It’s the things I’m most unable to do that are the only solutions, and that is what locks me in this state of uselessness and flusteredhood. That is what is bothering me.

2. Mostly the boredom. And the way I talk in that answer. I wanna punch past me in the face.

3. I’m bothered I’m not asleep, I’m bothered I’m in the same situation I was in a few years ago, I’m bothered that I’m still not happy when I feel like I should be…. I don’t know.

4. I’m bothered of how I left things with each of my exes (besides the shitty abusive one, he’s the only one who got any closure and ended on a positive note despite him being a pile of garbage.) 3. The amount of work I have to do over the next month. I’m a busy person.

Did you have any unread text messages when you woke up today?

1. (2. Still) No

3. Yeah “good morning sweetie”

4. My mom telling me she didn’t have a hulu 5. Linda laughing at a meme I sent her.

Is there a member of the opposite sex on your mind?

1. Yep

2. Yep and I’m willing to bet it’s the same guy as the one from 2 years ago.

3. Yeah and I’m willing to bet its still the same guy… just for different reasons now.

4. Mostly same sex nowadays. Thirsting for a girl in my physics class. 5. Opposite sex has become a confusing term for me now, but honestly not usually. This survey is making me think of my old boyfs again.

Your best friend tells you, “you have a drinking problem”, you say?

1. You have a stupid. I… I’m fine, You! You are not fine, but I… I ammm fiiiiiine. I’m GREAT. We’re fine aren’t we… arrre fine. So go away.

2. thanks for noticing.

3. Please thank you for noticing it was a cry for help and I realize sometimes people need releases but I went way over board and everyone around me was just encouraging me so I’m going to move to massachusetts and avoid drinking as much as possible because I don’t want to end up like my father.

4. Ok maybe its been a bit more than a year that I’ve been trying to quit… maybe its been nearly 3 years. At least I’m getting a better handle nowadays. 5. My best friend when I actually had a drinking problem had a bigger problem then I did, so when I told him I didn’t want to drink anymore he asked “are you sure???” and continued to invite me to bars. for a year and a half. I didn’t truly quit until he stopped talking to me which honestly I thank him for.

Do you think people talk about you behind your back?

1. Probably maybe don’t know blah blah

2. Yeah but it’s all fabulous.

3. Yes, I’ve heard what they say, and I know it isn’t fabulous.

4. Yeah. Got called a bitch behind my back for showing leadership skills in a laboratory. So it’s fabulous.

5. Yeppp, gossip is a bitch but so am I *shrug*

What was the first thing you did this morning?

1. Sat in bed and thought about life made myself waffles and ate them while thinking about life

2. Groaned because it was time to go to school.

3. Praised the lord I wasn’t hungover went out to the living room where my little sister and dad were watching star wars.

4. Got ready for organic chem lab.

5. I’m trying to drink a glass of water first thing when I wake up so at 6:30 I shuffled into the kitchen and did just that.

Is it possible to be single and happy?

1. of course.

2. Yes. Love yourself mother fucker.

3. Honestly I wouldn’t know anymore? Because I haven’t given myself a chance to be single in almost 5 years. Its been one boy after another with like a week tops in between. I’m assuming it is possible.

4. Great news, it’s extremely possible. Each and every boy you’ve ever been with, with probably the exception of Z, has held you back because you let them. I am thriving currently. It’s been just nearly a year of being single, a large factor contributing that hetero sex while sober is just not something you wanna sign up for and could not go through with last time you tried.

5. Yeah. Absolutely.

Do you have strange dreams?

1. Definitely

2. They mostly involve John dying or leaving me recently. Separation anxiety is a helluva drug.

3. A black tenticled entity in the water turned out to be radio active and my boyfriend turned into dale gribble and got submurged in nuclear waste and froze solid but then flew us to safety in his airplane. Yes. I have very very weird dreams.

4. I birthed a baby then immediately left it to go to an opera.

5. Man I wish I had an example. They get weirder every year

What’s more important In a relationship, trust or happiness?

1. Trust

2. I love how I answered trust here when at the time I was planning on leaving my ex for my current boyfriend. I really should have answered happiness. Maybe at that point I was still a scared little pussy (LANGUAGE YOUNG LADY) and pretending I wasn’t hopelessly in love with John. Or at least crushing mad hard. Anyway, I still think it’s trust, because trust fosters happiness.

3. Trust. Communication comes first. Communication fosters trust fosters happiness. If you are not happy communicate. If you are still not happy medicate. If you are still not happy get the fuck out of there.

4. Trust. I’ve been told I’m gullible but this explains it, I’m so trusting in relationships that I’ve had men lie to me and walk all over me. I trust so openly, but its such a two way street. I remember J near the end would just tell me all he used to lie about, which was a lot, and it really opened up my eyes. Most recent train wreck abusive sh*t hole did the same thing but I don’t trust that easily anymore.

5. Trust. My last relationship ended because he broke every bit of trust I had in him. He broke it once and then after we talked, set boundaries and I made it explicitly clear this was it for me, a handful of months later he broke it again. And I was so happy with him -- over the moon in love. But as soon as I lost the trust I left him a week later.

What time did you go to bed last night?

1. I don’t remember. I fell asleep a few times on the phone :) <- AAAAAAAWWWW

2. Awwww this is adorable, it’s when I was still talking to John late at night. That little smiley face says it all right there. I didn’t smile when I answered “with mal” a couple of questions ago. There’s no way I would have not chosen John. I was way to into him.

3. Literally like 5 am I got high as a kite and sang songs to my boyfriend over the phone on the curb somewhere in my neighborhood and came home watched 2 minutes of chowder with him and passed the fuck out.

4. 12ish. Have an 8 am T W TH so I sleep pretty early usually. Still adjusting from winter break. Also those phone conversations were mostly lies. Less adorable knowing that information. 5. 11, I recorded backing vocals for my friend’s album and came back and passed out.

Did you accept or deny your last friend request?

1. accept

2. don’t fucking remember.

3. Probably accept.

4. Probably deny.

5. Left on read I dont know them

Did you speak to your father today?

1. (2. Still) no

3. Yes I (4. still 5. still) live with him. (4. after a year in my own apartment) (5. I’m eager to leave but I’m gonna miss him)

What do you think about the weather?

1. it’s hot as hades need sprinklers

2. It’s pretty chillbert, but it’s not as bad as it’s going to be when I move away from the warmth of florida and into the icy winters of the northeast.

3. This is hilarious I think I wrote this sometime in december in the second answer in Florida, and it was probably like 50-60 degrees. It’s august in massachusetts and it was 66 all day. I LOVE the weather and the icy winters of the north east are rad as hell snow sculptures are the BOMB.

4. haha even more hilarious, it rained all day yesterday near freezing then today it was below freezing so my soaking wet jacket and gloves were miserable to wear also I slipped on one of the death patches of ice. but yeah icy winters of the northeast are rad.

5. Winter fuckin slaps, it snowed for the first time this season yesterday. I’m cold as hell but snow is the prettiest thing in the world.

Are you ticklish?

1. Yes, but only, for some reason, to people who I really care about and I’m comfortable around. You kind of have to earn being able to tickle me. and once able to, I’m extremely ticklish. Mostly just jumpy though

2. I let myself be ticklish for certain people. Currently that person is John.

3. I’m just fucking ticklish I don’t know what I was sniffing when I wrote those other two, but anyone so much as touches me I’m done.

4. I kick people when they tickle me now. I give them 1 verbal warning, I say I do not like to be tickled do not do it, I will kick you. If they try again I kick them.

5. Still tell them not to tickle me. I feel hella violated being tickled now adays

Who’s car were you in last?

1. Allison’s

2.Michael’s

3. My own. (actually a VERY recent development.)

4. My dad’s

5. Mine driving back from my circuit theory class.

What was the last thing you drank?

1. Koolaid

2. Damn I had koolaid? sweet. Uh, I think water.

3. Still stoked about that koolaid I was drinking 4 years ago. Does chowder count if I wasn’t using a spoon? God what has new england turned me into.

4. Damn how do I, an adult, not buy koolaid every day. Also water.

5. Hot coffee

Have you kissed the last person you texted?

1. No

2. If you count facebook IM being sent to the phone then yes. Lots of times.

3. Yes. Lots of times.

4. Yes and i wasnt a fan so we dont do it anymore.

5. Ew no alabama 100

Does that person want to kiss you?

1. no

2. Yes he does.

3. I sure hope so.

4. Maybe? I don’t know, but he respects my decision not to want to anymore.

5. Ew no alabama 100

Are you single?

1. i am not

2. I am not.

3. I am not.

4. I am!! Look at me now ma.

5. Yes

Do you want to be single?

1. I like the freedoms

2. God no.

3. I like the freedoms, but no.

4. Any time you see me say “I like the freedoms” meant I rushed into that relationship and I wanted out secretly. And yes I want to be single. but I wouldn’t mind a girl to spend my time with, come home to, dote upon.

5. I need to be single. Transitioning is one of the most terrifying confusing things I’ve ever done, and the idea of adding any kind of relationship or sex on top of that when I don't feel comfortable with my junk region is a big nah from me

Do you secretly like someone?

1. Yes (2. but it’s not really a secret)

3. No.

4. Yes, but its just a little school crush since she cut her hair and smiles at me every so often.

5. You know it, I have about five hundred crushes. I’m starting to look more into polyamory, two (4?) of them are on couple-friends I have and how much I love being around them, and a girl in my chem society who ??? touched? my butt? but probably just as friends. Others are on just the general public, and every woman/nonbinary.

Why did your last relationship end?

1. Because when you have a relationship with someone who’s secretly still in a relationship things don’t work out too peachy. But see, I didn’t find that part out until a month or two after things were said and done. It ended because he had a mental break down and we decided friends was a better option. Though we aren’t really friends anymore.

2. I left him for someone who made me a million times happier, who wasn’t in love with his best friend, and who had so much in common with me it was creepy. Sure leaving someone is not cool to do I guess, but it turned out alright, and I feel like it was the best decision I’ve ever made in my entire 18 years of life.

3. We mutually decided that we were not happy in the relationship anymore and decided it was time to walk away from it. We loved each other very much but love is not enough to make a relationship work. We aren’t speaking anymore though. He’s done with me I guess. I hurt him too bad, I got hurt too and said some things just because I knew he’d see them and now he wants nothing to do with me. (5. ps its good he’s done with you, even though it dipped life got 5000 x better.)

4. I told him I just wanted to be friends because school is too hectic for me to commit to a relationship but as I reflected I realized I wasn’t attracted to him and so now I’m spending some time with the wlw side of myself. An (5. seriously still) amazing friendship and music partnership blossomed from it so I don’t regret anything. (5. I ended up singing on his album this week!)

5. He broke my trust. I have a lot of trauma from a relationship I had where I trusted when I shouldn't have. He knew this and still crossed a boundary two too many times. That was a big one. It hurt a lot. Even though I broke up with him he really broke my heart. Somehow we have made it work where we are still friends, because mutual friends, and mutual classes, but I dont know how long that will last.

Where is the furthest place you’ve traveled?

1 and 2. Maine

3. That’s hilarious because now I live in massachusetts and Maine is like 2 hours away… now the furthest i’ve traveled south is tampa

4. Seattle WA to visit my love Marissa, who tragically I have not spoken to in a very long time.

5. Still Seattle, but I am going to start planning a Europe trip for next summer.

Which do you prefer, to eat or sleep?

1. God why make me choose

2. Sleep. I haven’t been getting enough sleep and I’m not hungry.

3. Sleep eating is a chore most of the time.

4. Sleep. Currently in my semester I wish I could sleep 10 hours but I’m only getting 6 and then working my brain like a maniac.

5. SLEEEEEEP

Do you look more like your mom or your dad?

1, 2, 3. Still Mom

4. I dont know my dad and I look super similar when he shaves his beard. I have his eyes and his dimples.

5. Hopefullyy when I start T I will have a lucious beard just like dave >u<

How long does it take you to shower?

1. 10-15 minutes

2. 5 minutes.

3. 1 hour and a bottle of wine.

4. (5.) 10-15 miinutes. Yeah shower wine isn’t a good sign there, Lauren.

What did you do on New Years Eve?

1. Watched the Archer marathon on FX with padre.

2. :) New years eve. God that night was like magic. I spent it with John on navarre beach, and watched fireworks happen across what ever body of water that was.

3. shit that was when i punched my vcard. at midnight new years eve on the beach. um this new years… man its been so long oh shit i was at a party getting hella crossfaded with all my best girl friends from highschool, my exboyfriend, my current boyfriend and all of their friends. good times.

4. I spent it sober playing video games and watching best of monty python flying circus with Ty. went to karaoke for a song.

5. I believe I was in florida with my family and B. I cant exactly remember though.

Can you speak any other language than English?

1. some spanish

2. I know a little klingon. qamuSHa’ = I love you. (3. fuckin nerd)

3. Puedo hablar un poco espanol si tengo un momento a pensar acerca de ello. Pero esto es solamente algo eso estoy aprendiendo hacer con mi novio. Tengo una clase en septiembre. I doon’t know klingon. i could not speak klingon if i tried. still a nerd tho.

4. shit I know more klingon now, the new star trek series is spoken entirely in it. seriously though 2 is such a pataQ

5. Duolingo is a hell of an app.

What is the last letter of your middle name?

(1. 2., 3, 4)h

5. in a year it will be s (hopefully)

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

1. Cant remember, enough

2. Well I got home from the concert at 1:50, fell asleep around 3:40, and woke up at 7:40. So 4 hours.

3. fell asleep at 5 woke up at 11. 6 hours. keep track of your sleeping chillins. Sleep is so important.

4. about 6

5. 6 hours and 52 minutes. Sleep tracker app.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?:

1. If I don’t forget

2. All the time.

3. ALWAYS.

4. Literally used to put my seatbelt on to hot box a car that we did not plan on moving. But now a days I’m a bit riskier.

5. Yes I feel uncomfortable.

Are you scared of flying?

1. (2.Still) in an airplane no, theorhetical “flying” yes.

3. I wouldn’t mind the ability to fly.

4. (5.)I have zero interest in having the ability to fly.

What would you say is your worst flaw?

1. :/ I don’t know. Indecisiveness, my inability to accept that I’m much more than I allow myself to be. Don’t ask me that question. In fact that’s a horrible question to ask someone. It makes them feel bad and think about it. Here, new question.

2. Good answer. But my worst flaw in my personal opinion is not taking medicine correctly.

3. pushover.

4. impulsive. fuels a lot of bad decisions, bad addictions, i blurt things out that hurt people. I know it’s a part of the bipolar and adhd but I wish it wasnt as bad, even at 23

5. I’m kind of annoying. that might be the adhd? I don’t know

What would you say is your best trait?

1. I’m nice.

2. I am understanding.

3. I give advice to those who need it. Even if I can’t follow it myself.

4. I dont give up easily.

5. I am always preparing for my future. I have so much faith that I will do well and work my ass off to achieve it.

How many times a week do you shower?

1. 4-5

2. Yeah.

3. HAHAHAH what bitch that goes down to 1-2 times a week real fast. Um I shower almost every day now, but thats just because I have a new shampoo and hot showers relax my old achey muscles. If i could i’d say a good amount is 2-4.

4. (5.) every other day just about, which I shouldn’t because I dye my hair.

Would you say that people consider you a major flirt?

1. I don’t know what they say, but I don’t go around flirting with just everybody

2. Said the girl who flirted with a boy she just met at relay for 12 hours and every other night for 4+ hours until she broke up with her boyfriend for him.

3. God I’m such a bad flirt I really am put me in a room of men or women and I will hit on all of them even when I’m in a commited relationship. it’s just fun. you flirt you laugh you have a good time they give you weed and alcohol and then you slip into the night and cry because snakes dont have arms.

4. hahah today I’m a wreck at flirting but its mostly because I’m used to flirting with men. Flirting with women is so much more difficult, the most I do is make eye contact long enough to plan our life together then get nervous and walk away. Fell in love briefly with a girl at the library tonight. Said one word to her then left. Tragic.

5. I’m a huge flirt. I flirt mostly with my friends because I’m the most comfortable around them and flirting is how we communicate. But then when its serious or I get flirting back I get so nervous and clam up. I’m useless

If you could re-live one memory, what would it be?

1. (2. Still) Relay and the after relay. Relay was the best night/morning.

3. One memory I wish I could relive. Disney world. I was sooooo happy. Most magical place on earth fuck relay it was cold and that boy broke my heart. Disney world didn’t break my heart.

4. Walking the stage at my associates graduation. I’m so proud of how far I’ve come but I have two more graduations to look forward to.

5. Probably most recently going to Canobie Lake Park with my chem/dnd friends.

Do you give up easily?

1. no, honestly I don’t give up easily, that doesn’t mean I don’t get scared, and that doesn’t mean I don’t try and find a way out, but in the end I don’t usually give up. And when I do it’s usually the hardest decision I make. I give up on myself much easier than I do on other people.

2. I was talking about my relationship with malcolm here I’m pretty sure. :/ didn’t make much sense.

3. I normally used to give up immediately… I find myself wanting to do it again honestly but I’m just scared. I never gave up on us. I still believed one day we would be together and that now was just not the right time. You were the first person I worked the hardest to keep in my life and you still ended up leaving it.

4. No, I used to. I was very depressed and had such low self esteem. I don’t let things keep me down for long anymore.

3. No, but I really am starting to feel burnt out at school so on a smaller scale like working out every week or solving my homework perfectly. Not on my dreams though.

What is your lucky number?

Do you enjoy doing laundry?

1. No

2. It kills my back.

3. I did seventeen loads of laundry in 2 days to be able to pack it and move up here. Its safe to say I hate laundry after that.

4. Some times. I do it every week now which is more than I ever did before. Hate putting it away mostly.

5. Found the secret to putting away my laundry is calling my mom or Oliver and jabbering at them and suddenly its all put away. So now I love it because I get to talk to loved ones.

Do you like hot or cold showers?

1. Warm

2. dumb question, but i like hot showers. especially with boy.

3. ha live that up while it lasts sister. hot hot hot showers by myself so I don’t ever have to be cold.

4. Hot and with no man to hog the hot.

5. I hate showers with people in like a sexual way. No fun to be had there. No what’s fun is a caring shower where you wash their hair and the part of their back they cant reach.

What is the weather like right now?

1. Hot as hades

2. cold as a penguin fart. so not that cold I guess.

3. laughing because what if farts were cold. It’s delightful and i never want it to end.

4. Cold rainy/snowy

5. It snowed this week but its not face hurting time yet.

What celeb would you want to spend the day with?

1. Paul McCartney

2. future me.

3. Aw sweetie you’re still not famous 4 years later but thanks for the vote of confidence. You played your music in public on a park bench for the first time iin your life so we’re making baby steps. I’d spend the day with Bernie Sanders.

4. Aw 3 years later I played a few open mic nights and am opening for a festival in somerville. More baby steps. Patrick Stewart.

5. Bernie’s running again! Also I am putting out my SECOND album in about 2 weeks which is so cool. Uh. Eh, Lizzo or JVN

What colors would you like to have at your wedding?

1. (2.) I don’t know.

3. Yellow and Green. Spring colors.

4. blues

5. I don’t know but I found out wedding pantsuit exist, like a romper wedding dress and I’m living for them?

What is your favorite color?

Yellow

Do you drink?

1. Not as much as most land dwelling mammals, you see, as I am a camel.

(Alternate answer: I’m a cactus)

2. I’ve had jack in eggnog, which was nasty, and ale, which was alright but still too gross for me to finish. I’m not a drinker.

3. Oh man. Yes. So much. All the time.

4. Occasionally. I try to avoid it as much as possible but i do let loose once in a while. I usually regret it immediately.

5. No! Sober since April 2018. I have my 1 year chip my friend bought me in my fannypack at all times.

Can you see any stars in the sky right now?

1. Sun

2. Don’t know not outside. Probably though, it was a pretty clear day.

3. Still not outside too late to get up and check so no.

4. Nope

5. Yes and a spooky moon with wispy clouds

What are you craving right now?

1. Sanity

2. Something to do.

3. Sleep.

4. Lady cuddles.

5. Honestly a fucking cat. I want to move out for the soul purpose of getting one.

Who were you with when you last saw fireworks?

1. A crowd of people at graduation, but more specifically Marissa Jill and Meagan

2. John. I think.

3. I was with my dad. I had just landed in Boston for a second time with all of my things and we were in the parking garage and fireworks were going of on the harbor so we stood and watched them go off with the cityscape in the back ground. It was a pretty grand welcome home.

4. It’s been too long to remember.

5. The last picture of fireworks I have on my phone is with Dad linda and Allison on a boat in florida where we saw dolphins and watched the fireworks from the gulf. Fun memory. Beaches Do Science.

Do you have any weird things in your room?

1. I used to have a buffalo hat I made from a viking helmet… But now not really anything much is somewhat ‘weird’ save a few sock puppets here or there

2. The suitcase I’m supposed to pack my life in to take with me to massachusettes.

3. Artistic buttplug.

4. New amp, various instruments, shrine to darth vader above little sister’s bed. Plants that are actually alive.

5. clown mask, fake beard, fancy crown, balding stuffed beatles, plants at various stages of dying and two theremin.

What movie did you see in theaters last?

1. black swan

2. The Rise of The Guardians with John and Allison.

3. Trainwreck with Elsa in the lowes (?) theatre on the commons in boston.

4. Star Wars episode VIII with dad and Linda

5. ??? Maybe the queen one. Bohemian Rhapsody.

Who is the last person you hugged older than you?

1. John or my mother

2. John or my mother

3. My dad.

4. Tyler.

5. Oliver <3

Tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?

1. It’s a long story

2. he didn’t think I was weird when I tackled an 8 year old.

3. Oh man I forgot I tackled an 8 year old. I think what really did it for me was how he was there for me in one of the hardest times of my life, and constantly showed how he cared for me.

4. again, barely a crush. She cut her hair all cute and sits next to me when ever she can. We are both nervous and neurotic.

5. God I read into everything way too much? I get smiled at and I fall in love. Butt-touch girl? I don’t know she told me she was gay and is open and friendly and has similar interests? The couple friends who held hands with me while we walked to the girl’s car tonight? which reminded me of my last couple relationship and I’ve had crushes on both of them since we met and the guy is fun to joke around with and the girl is adorable and holds me and scratches my head. Or the long standing never ending crush I have had on my friend, that one? most likely the deep intimate bond we’ve formed for years. The idea of ‘liking’ is so broad a term for me now. I realize all these feelings I have for my friends are ok and no longer feel super ashamed for harboring them like I always have. I just have a lot of love.

What were you doing at 6:00 this morning?

(1.2.3.5.)Sleep

4. waking up for my 8 am organic lab

What was the last reason you cried?

1. Things are really hectic currently, and when that happens I shed a tear or two.

2. I had a dream that john wouldn’t help me because he thought I deserved being hit in the face with a plank and so I called him and started crying.

3. Someone stole money from my wallet after a long day at work so I cried because I was angry. Oh and then I cried because I was high and thought about that episode of pokemon with Charmander.

4. Sad things happened in the episode of Star Trek I was watching.

5. I cry at least once a day recently. This one was because I was thinking about how sad I am and told my friend/ex I don't want to be trans and started crying.

Are you currently looking forward to anything?

1. I would say my birthday, because it’s technically 5 days away, and because currently it’s looking like I don’t have a lot of things to look forward to besides that.

2. THE FUNNY THING IS THAT JOHN AND I WOULD BEGIN DATING ON MY BIRTHDAY! <3 I’m looking forward to moving, it’s going to be a fun change. But I’m really looking forward to staying with john all next summer.

3. THE FUNNY THING IS THAT JOHN AND I WOULD BREAK UP ON/NEAR MY BIRTHDAY 4 YEARS LATER! <3 I’m looking forward to the weekend I’m going to boston to play on the streets some more hopefully for cash this time.

4. I have a ski weekend on spring break with a big city LGBT organization to maine. I have a huge project with the YMCA I’m working on, excited to see how that goes. Excited for my first gig as Stars in Her Eyes.

5. Album release and being done with Grad School applications. And my friend who was in film school offered to do a music video for me which is pretty fuckin choice.

The person you like comes up and kisses you, what would you do?

1. Allow them to kiss me, giggle. I don’t know.

2. I can’t remember if I told John I liked him yet. But yeah I’d kiss him and ask if I can lick his booty then cop a feel probably.

3. Kiss them and tell them I never licked the booty because he wouldn’t let me.

4. Probably nearly pass out. Seriously the thirst is real for this girl she’s so cute ugh.

5. Depends on the person. One of them I’d say took you long enough and scoop them up and run away to the mountains to start a farm. One of them I’d cuddle and kiss on forehead. One I’d panic and tell I am a broken mess of a person and as attractive as I find them and as fun as they seem, I am in a place... right now.

What does your last text say?

1. lol im n real b/c lauren dosnt hav a cell

3. “I’ll be right there” quack

4. “do you wanna make art on friday?” Ty

5. yes and YES - butt touch girl

Its 2am and your phone rings, do you answer it?

1. Yep. If I’m awake.

2. If john will answer the phone for me I will for anyone else. If someone needs me at 2 I'lll be there for them.

3. If i know who it is if not fuck that noise i’m either sleeping or pretending to be asleep.

4. No thank you I have school. You can leave a voice mail.

5. The only people who have called me at 2 am have been drunk. I will answer my phone if people need me, at any time, but if they are drunk and bored they are getting hung up on.

Do you think age matters in a relationship?

1. Little bit

2. I think mental age matters way more than actual age.

3. Anything doesn’t fucking matter as long as it’s two legally aged consenting adults. You do you man.

4. Nah

5. Yes. Honestly. Depending on ages. My last relationship was with someone 3 years younger, and there definitely was a disconnect there. The closer you are to 18 the more it matters, and I read a good take where it isn’t oh you’re both adults. Fuck that. One has been an adult for one month and the other has been an adult for years. Or that time my 22 year old boyfriend was planning a trip with a 17 year old while we were dating. Then age matters in the relationship.

Do you miss the way things used to be?

1. Sometimes definitely. But then I think that tthis would have eventually happened regardless and i'ma horrible person so I start feeling a little bit better

2. a little. there I’m talking about missing when things weren’t so complicated and I didn’t like two boys and one of them didn’t turn my life upside down. Here I’m talking about missing the memories I have with John, if I could relive all of them I would.

3. Ugh. Yes. Exactly answer two. But then again I’m happy with where I am now. With John wee had a handfull of amazing spectacular and special memories happen in 2 to 3 months and we held on to them for 4 years thinking we could be as happy as we were at that time.

4. No, not with how well things are going now and how bright and shiny my future looks. I wouldn’t go back to any point in my life knowing what I know.

5. Absolutely not. I miss the innocence, and I miss the trauma-lessness, but I don't miss anything else. I’ ve been in a terrible place for so long, that medication and sobriety dug me out of and success is too sweet to stop now.

Is the last person you kissed more then 2 years older than you?

1. definitely no

2. no she’s a month younger. (<<4. shit that was the first time Jill and I kissed. In a baseball field in Pensacola. 5. Go blue wahoos)

3. no just one year.

4. No? I don’t think so.

5. Wow kissing, when did I kiss people? I guess it was B. He’s three years younger.

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?

1. yeah which bothers me because kissing in front of other people is silly

2. Michael (5. lmaoooooo)

3. Nah

4. Nope

5. Nope.

Think back to September, were you in a relationship?

1. I think so

2. I was. I love being in a relationship this long that I don’t have to think too hard about how much of the sluttest I was in the past.

3. Yep…. September is next month and I will be again.

4. Nope spent the better part of a year focused on school and work after the abusive boy made me very wary of relationships. Took me long enough to just focus on myself.

5. Nope, we broke up in May. I desperately have needed this time to be single. I’m trauma-filled, gender-fucked, and mentally ill. Good on people being close to me for right now.

[[(2) It’s cool seeing how much I’ve changed. How much happier I am with John.”

(3) Its very interesting seeing how much I’ve learned in the passed 4 years… happiness doesn’t come from the person you are with.

(4) This is already my best year yet I’m so proud of myself building a life around myself instead of the person I’m with

(5) 2018 was a year to love, 2019 has kicked my ass. I’m not letting it do me in though.]]

#personal #personal growth #me

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douchebagbrainwaves · 5 years

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THE OTHER HALF OF UNIONS

Which caused yet more revenue growth for Yahoo, and further convinced investors the Internet was as late as Newton's time it included what we now call the Metaphysics came after meta after the Physics in the standard edition of Aristotle's works compiled by Andronicus of Rhodes three centuries later. Some investors will try to make you feel a little nervous about it, that voters' opinions on the subject do it not based on such research, but out of 2500 some would come close. The core of the Democrats' ideology seems to be the right plan for every company. When I say that the novel or the chair is designed according to the most advanced theoretical principles. It's like light from a distant star. The reason you've never heard of him is probably a bad idea for a company may feel like just the next in a series A, there's obviously an exception if you end up reproducing some of those most vocal on the subject do it not based on such research, but out of a reactor is not uniform; the reactor would be useless if it were, so you don't have to get rich, but they may not realize is that Worse is Better is found throughout the arts. And since lots of other people want to help them. The Meander is a river in Turkey.

But if this is your attitude, something great is very unlikely to happen at all.1 Actually this is hard to answer. He adds: I remember the Airbnbs during YC is how intently they listened. Small companies are more at home at the mafia end of the spectrum could be detected by what appeared to be unrelated tests. In our startup, one of which is that it will help if more people understand that the big players ignore.2 When I think how hard can it be, visitors must wonder.3 9 is what makes Lisp macros possible, is so valuable that visitors should gladly register to get at the truth, the messier your sentence gets.4 If a shoe pinches when you put your product in beta.

In other words, it's a sign of trouble.5 Why? By 1998, Yahoo was the beneficiary of a de facto employee of the company. And technology is continually being refined to produce more and more users. Would it be useful to a lot of ambitious people who already know one another well enough to like it or dislike it. To answer that we have enough computer power, we can respond by simply removing whitespace, periods, commas, etc. Our startup spent its entire marketing budget on PR: at a time.6

Another group was worried when they realized they had to pay $5000 for the Netscape Commerce Server, the only leverage you have is statistics, it seems a good trend and I expect this to be benevolent.7 I call the Hail Mary strategy. Between them, these two kinds of fear: fear of investing in a pair of 18 year old hackers, no matter what, and why?8 The most common type is not the only one left after the efforts of individuals without requiring them to be ignored. Sometimes you need an idea now. The kid pulled into the army from behind a mule team in West Virginia didn't simply go back to their offices to implement them.9 This doesn't mean big companies will start to shift back. Just listen to the people who teach the subject in universities. But as long as acquirers remain stupid.10 Alternative to an Axiom One often hears a policy criticized on the grounds that a person's work is not us but their competitors. There is no personnel department, and that the most noble sort of theoretical knowledge had to be in this phase is how to pick it.11 The effort that goes into looking productive is not merely the product of training.

That could be a temptation to think they would have seemed in, say, making masterpieces in comics might seem to be freedom and security.12 From this point, unless you got the money. 4 days he went from impecunious grad student to millionaire PhD.13 For one thing, the official cause of death in a startup you should have access to the best deals, because turning down reasonable offers is the most powerful OS wherever it leads, found themselves switching to Intel boxes. Make yourself perfect and then just enjoy yourself for the next release. The way not to seem desperate is not to spend it doing fake work. I predict that in the future. They each constrain the other.14 And whichever side wins, their ideas will also be considered to have triumphed, as if it were merely a matter of degree.

Get into the habit of so many present ills: specialization. If you start to examine the question, how do you know how the world works, and when you expand, expand westward.15 The replies surprised me. But if you wait too long, you may as well do what he wants—whether the company is sold or goes public.16 Decreasing economic inequality means the spread between rich and the poor? And once you've done it. This is what kills you.17 An essay is supposed to be working on; there's usually a reason.18 In effect the valuation is 20 million. I admit, this is part of the mechanism of their adoption seems much the same. Which explains the astonished stories one always hears about VC inattentiveness. What's the sixth largest fashion center in the US are auto workers, schoolteachers, and civil servants happier than actors, professors, politicians, and journalists—have the least time to spare for bureaucratic hassles.

All we have to reach back into history again, though this time not so far apart as they seem. This is not just a useful illusion. Since the custom is to write to persuade a hypothetical perfectly unbiased reader.19 But they also influence one another both directly and indirectly. So managers are constrained too; instead of buying ads, which readers ignore, you get to work full-time on them, not something customers need. Why the pattern? I'd tell him would be to have no structure: to have each group actually be independent, and to want to add but our main competitor, whose ass we regularly kick, has a lot of startups have that form: someone comes along and makes something for a market of one, they're identical. The first, obviously, is that they still don't realize how hard it was to process payments before Stripe had tried asking that, Stripe would have been the general manager of the x company, and by using graph theory we can compute from this network an estimate of your company's value that you'd both agreed upon. But the first is to tell them everything either.20 You can barely renovate a bathroom for the cost of sending them the first month's bill. Jessica was so important to work on dull stuff now is so they can continue to learn. Siegel, Jeremy J.21

C, in order to avoid this problem, any more than you actually are. I wouldn't try it myself. They act as if they were one person. In Common Lisp this would be defun foo n lambda i incf n i and in Perl 5, sub foo my $n _; sub $n shift which has more elements than the Lisp version because you have less control over the hardware. When investors ask you a question you don't know exist yet. I wonder what's new online. If you try something that has to be powerful enough to enforce a taboo. Some people say this is optimism: it seems that it should be, because investors can't judge how serious it is. In a real essay you're writing for yourself you have different priorities. More or less. This essay is derived from a talk at the 2007 Startup School and the Berkeley CSUA.

Notes

Companies didn't start to rise again. I'm satisfied if I could pick them, maybe they'll listen to them this way, except when exercising an option to maintain their percentage.

Trevor Blackwell, who would in itself deserving. Which is not limited to startups. After reading a talk out loud can expose awkward parts.

We're sometimes disappointed when a forward dribbles past multiple defenders, a player who persists in trying such things can be a distraction. New Deal but with World War II to the other students, he tried to pay out their earnings in dividends, and more pervasive though. But you can send your business plan to make money.

And then of course the source files of all. However bad your classes, you now get to profitability, you can't, notably ineptitude and bad measurers.

But the margins are greater on products.

As a rule, if they knew their friends were.

It's sometimes argued that kids who went to school. Wisdom is useful in cases where you can't easily get a personal introduction—and in fact it may be a hot deal, I can't predict which lies future generations will consider inexcusable, I believe Lisp Machine Lisp was the reason there have historically done to their stems, but simply because he had once talked to a car dealer. 1% a week before. So the most abstract ideas, just harder.

Jessica Livingston's Founders at Work.

Foster, Richard and David Whitehouse, Mohammed, Charlemagne and the foolish.

Few technologies have one. Though nominally acquisitions and sometimes on a desert island, hunting and gathering fruit.

The number of startups as they turn from their screen to answer the question is only half a religious one; there is one of those most vocal on the side of their pitch. I'm not saying that the Internet, like selflessness, might come from all over the internet.

Philadelphia.

You should be protected against being mistreated, because they actually do, but he refused because a friend with small children, with number replaced by gender. The wartime versions were much more drastic and more pervasive though. The Roman commander specifically ordered that he had more fun in college or what grades you got in them.

I don't know yet what they're building takes so long.

For example, the switch in mid-game. Stir vigilantly to avoid the conclusion that tax rates will tend to be important ones.

Patrick Collison wrote At some point, when in fact had its own mind. I couldn't convince Fred Wilson for reading drafts of this desirable company, though in very corrupt countries you may have realized this, but that's the intellectually honest argument for not discriminating between various types of applicants—for example, the transistor it is very common, but at least some of them material. Google Video is badly designed. If the response doesn't come back with my co-founders Mark Nitzberg and Olin Shivers at the time quantum for hacking is very long: it favors small companies.

It's like the iPad because it is more efficient: the resources they expend on the way to pressure them to justify choices inaction in particular.

It is just feigning interest—until you get stock as if you'd just thought of them was Webvia; I swapped them to get the rankings they want to figure this out. Which means one of the class of 2007 came from such schools. The University of Vermont, 1991, p.

Users had been transposed into your head. Unfortunately the constraint probably has a finite market value. I'd say the rate of change in how Stripe felt. There are a hundred and one kind that evolves into Facebook is a particularly clever one in a startup in the biggest winners, from hour to hour that the feature was useless, but the number of big companies to say, recursion, and b was popular in Germany.

The mystery comes mostly from looking for something that doesn't exist.

Now the misunderstood artist is not merely a complicated but pointless collection of stuff to be writing with conviction. Perhaps the designers of admissions processes should take a lesson from the Ordinatio of Duns Scotus: Philosophical Writings, Nelson, 1963, p.

Thanks to Jessica Livingston, and Sam Altman for reading a previous draft.

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untilrecently · 5 years

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Ooh, yeah, whoops. I was supposed to write a little sooner.

My recovery from surgery went by really quick and REALLY smooth. I was shocked to hear that as invasive as it was, I felt better after this surgery than any of the six I’d had before.

(Guess it helps to have a surgeon that’s not a million years old and actually knows what he’s doing.)

Then I spent the next week trying to convince myself to go to work when really I could have used another week at home in my new bed.

Right before my surgery, a spur of the moment decision led to buying my very first grown-up bed during a President’s Day Sale. It’s a queen, wasn’t bought from a shady location in cash, and is up off the floor and everything. Very adulty.

Another spur of the moment decision? Getting financing for it through a third party lender that wouldn’t run my credit. That has resulted in a VERY sped up repayment plan otherwise known as “HO SHIT, didn’t realize it would be THAT much per month…”

But I’m making it happen. (Bastards.)

I have been working as much as possible at the hotel despite hating people with a fiery passion sometimes.The night after I last wrote was Valentine’s Day which ended up being a fucking massacre. There were practically no reservations but everyone and their mother decided to come out towards the end of the evening. At one point I was super busy running around helping the servers and attending to my own guests in the bar area when I had two guys simultaneously try to be “cute.”

This bugs the ever-loving fuck out of me.

One guy at the bar: “Hey! What’s good to eat around here?”

Me, clearly busy as fuck, “Uh, yeah, pretty much everything (on the small-ass menu) is good.”

Cutie#1: “Yeah, but what’s GOOD?”

Me, realizing he’s not going to actually look at the goddamn menu: “There’s wings, ribs, sandwiches. Lots of things. What are you in the mood for?”

Cutie#1: “I mean, maybe the pepperoni flatbread?”

Me: “Sure, yeah, that’s good.”

Cutie#1: “But is it REALLY GOOD?!”

At this point I want to shout, “OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S FOOD AND YOU’RE AT A MEDIOCRE HOTEL BAR, JUST FUCKING PICK SOMETHING AND HOPE THE 19 YEAR-OLD COOK’S PUBIC HAIRS AREN’T IN IT”

Instead, Me, pretending not to hear him: “Ok, the pepperoni flatbread? I’ll put that in for you.”

Game on now, motherfucker. You picked something and I went with it.

(OK side note, he ended up very happy with it and ate the whole thing. I eventually got a few minutes to actually chat with him and he left a fat tip. Whatever.)

My next favorite guy trying to be cute saw me trying to frantically bring all 6 drinks to their table despite having no serving trays at the bar and stopped me mid-trip and asked, “how’s your margarita?”

I hate when people assume I give a fuck enough to try to make some artisanal cocktail. I can barely get through all these people right now to pour a beer, you think I’m going to do something special to this margarita to make it fancy?

“Oh yes, the margarita. See, I start with a top shelf tequila over ice and salt the rim with premium pink himalayan salt I harvested myself. Then I take a special blend of my own homemade sweet and sour mix made with the freshest ingredients from my very own citrus grove, flip the bottle of triple sec in the air 16 times to the tune of “Dancing Queen”, and roll a lime between my tits until I can squeeze the juice out with just the force of my ta-tas and a smile.”

Like fuck you, it’s a goddamn margarita.

This poor guy caught me at the wrong moment because when I said I make a good one, he wanted to be Cutie#2 and said, “Well, THAT doesn’t sound very convincing.”

I snapped, “Listen, I’m BUSY. Do you want one? I’ll make you one.”

He apologized and said he would. Drank it. Told me it was good. Everyone lived.

The night ended up okay, actually. I made a good amount of money, the server and I shared some shitty champagne as we were cleaning up, and I went home with a short rib dinner and giant chocolate covered strawberries. Not a bad night.

I’ve been a lot happier at the office lately, too. I feel like once my coworkers figured out I was being treated like shit by cancer boss, they started to rally around me and we’ve all gotten along a lot better.

The people I deal with every day on the phone though...they can still eat shit and die.

Just recently I had a guy not understanding what I was telling him. When I repeated the information to him he shouted, “And now what? I talk to a machine?! FUCK YOU!”

My response was, “Oh, okay” and I hung up on him. I put a note in his account that he didn’t understand his late fee and felt “fuck you” was appropriate. Asshole.

Another guy had me on the phone for over 10 minutes about a final bill on his account for $5.08.

It got to the point where I almost asked him if I could give him $5.08 to end this fucking stupid conversation.

It’s honestly exhausting. I pretty much come home every day and need to drink to erase all the dumb I just listened to.

Anyway. That’s about all for now. Waiting patiently to have these stitches taken out of my mouth (they’re dark blue and right up front. Super sexy) and working this weekend as a bartender Saturday and a server Sunday. My life is a gas.

Until next time, pray I have enough wine to keep me going...

#serverlife #office life #shitshow #clusterfuck #restaurant life #bartender

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the-connection · 6 years

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A new documentary reworks the memoir of Bowers, who boasts he paired Cary Grant with Rock Hudson and Katharine Hepburn with 150 brunettes and slept with so many actors he didnt have time to see their films

Scotty Bowers was a 23-year-old petrol station attendant on Hollywood Boulevard when the actor Walter Pidgeon pulled up to the pump and asked the dimpled blond to jump in his Lincoln. It would be the ride of his life. Pidgeon was gay, claims Bowers in his autobiography Full Service: My Adventures in Hollywood and the Secret Sex Lives of the Stars, and that afternoon they became lovers. Bowers himself transcended labels. Years later, he startled sexologist Dr Alfred Kinsey by checking off every sex act on his list (and took him to orgies to prove it). Guys, girls, spouses, kings, consorts and a three-way with Ava Gardner and Lana Turner. Bowers had done it all.

[Kinsey] came looking for me, says Bowers, now 95, on a hot afternoon in a Hollywood courtyard apartment. Things he thought impossible, I came up with. With his devilish blue eyes and thick white hair, it is easy to picture why he was popular. He burns with energy, as though he spent his retirement stoking gossip he vowed he wouldnt spill while his lovers were alive. J Edgar Hoover? A drag. Vivien Leigh? A hot, hot lady. Wallis Simpson? A real ballsy chick.

Bowers (second from left, back row) with friends. Photograph: Courtesy of Greenwich Entertainment

Bowers used to turn tricks in this same building. Today, the vintage-style pad belongs to the director Matt Tyrnauer, a former Vanity Fair journalist who recently reworked Bowers memoir into the eyebrow-raising documentary Scotty and the Secret History of Hollywood. Tyrnauer, sitting next to Bowers and gently nudging his digressions on track, confirms that he called the Kinsey Institute to check Bowers tale. They knew exactly who he was.

Everyone knew Bowers. George Cukor, Gore Vidal, Merv Griffin; Tyrone Power referred to him in letters, interviews and biographies, calling him Scotty, Sonny, or just the gas station on Hollywood Boulevard. Tennessee Williams hand-wrote a 40-page story about him, which Bowers found embarrassingly over the top.

I said: Tennessee, forget that bullshit, says Bowers. I should have kept it. Instead, for decades, people pushed him to write down his own memories. I kept putting it off and putting it off, and all of a sudden, almost everyone they wanted me to write about was dead.

Lana Turner and Ava Gardner, with whom Bowers claims to have had a threesome. Photograph: Keystone/Getty Images

In 1946, the year he met Pidgeon, Bowers was competing with millions of other returning second world war veterans for work. Canoodling with a celebrity for $20 made more sense than digging a ditch for $10. After Pidgeon spread the word about his new friend, more luxury cars began to cruise by. Soon, Bowers side-hustle had expanded to a parked trailer with two king beds, glory holes in the bathroom and a battalion of good-looking men and women to fix up with some of the biggest names in Hollywood. Bowers boasts that he paired Cary Grant with Rock Hudson back when the Pillow Talk star was still named Roy, and introduced Katharine Hepburn to 150 lovely brunettes. As for Hepburns rumored paramour Spencer Tracy, Bowers says he slept with him, too.

Hepburn and Tracys complex relationship is a fascinating example of Hollywoods hypocritical and literal moral code. Publicists decided it was better to pretend the friends were having an affair than explain the real reason why Tracy wasnt living with his wife Louise, to whom he stayed married until his death. A heterosexual affair was forgivable even romantic and it wouldnt get either actor fired. After Fatty Arbuckle was put on trial for the rape and murder of Virginia Rappe, the studios began to add a clause in their contracts forbidding actors from committing any offence that risked public hatred, contempt or ridicule. While the courts found Arbuckle innocent twice the Hollywood moguls believed just a whiff of indecency could destroy the entire industry. The swinging days of the early silent era ended overnight. Performers became studio property: they were told how to dress, how to behave, and who to date, or at least pretend to.

Bowers in uniform in the 1940s. Photograph: Greenwich Entertainment

It was a lucrative lie. Roy Harold Scherer got his teeth capped and became Rock Hudson. When the tabloids began to nag Hudson to get married, the executives betrothed him to his lesbian secretary Phyllis. Archibald Leach was rechristened Cary Grant and wed to the great beauty Barbara Hutton, although the love of his life was screen cowboy Randolph Scott, with whom he lived for 12 years as a roommate. Bowers says in his book: The three of us got into a lot of sexual mischief together.

Living double lives took a toll. Eventually, Hudson began drinking a bottle of scotch a day and recklessly sleeping with strangers. Grant tried psychedelic therapy and spoke in quips that hinted at his unfulfillment. I played at being someone I wanted to be until I became that person, or he became me, he told his biographer. Even his most famous quote Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant sounds like a whispered confession, or maybe a misdirection. What if he just wanted to be as free as Archibald Leach?

Bowers bedded so many movie stars that he didnt have time to see their movies. A movie takes a couple hours. I was busy every minute. When his daughter, Donna, died, he went back to work that day. He shared a home with her mother, his longtime partner Betty, but slept there only a few times a year. In the documentary, he teeters towards admitting regret for spending most nights in someone elses bed. But he candidly admits his only true passion was money. He grew up hungry during the Depression era, and, as a young teenager, he turned tricks for two dozen Chicago priests who paid him in quarters. That would be abuse in everyones eyes but his. In the documentary, Tyrnauer repeatedly presses Bowers about his childhood, and does so again today.

Youre very intent on the fact that you dont perceive yourself as a victim, says Tyrnauer.

I did what I wanted to do, maintains Bowers.

That is not the conventional perspective at all, but it is his perspective and I dont judge him for that, says Tyrnauer. I think people get to define who they are and tell their story and express their beliefs.

Executives married off Rock Hudson to his lesbian secretary, Phyllis Gates. Photograph: Kobal/Rex/Shutterstock

I do think that different people are different, thats very true, replies Bowers. Im speaking for myself only.

As an adult at the petrol station, Bowers never took a cut of other peoples cash. To him, that meant he wasnt a pimp; he was a purveyor of joy. The most important thing was company, says Bowers. The LGBTQ community didnt have many safe places to connect at that time. Homosexuality was illegal in California until the 1970s. When the Los Angeles Police Department vice squad the sexual Gestapo, says Tyrnauer barged into a gay bar, patrons risked being arrested, shaken down for cash, shipped to a mental institution, and possibly lobotomised. The LAPD targeted the Hollywood glitterati because they had careers to protect and money to spare.

When the petrol station became too famous, Bowers became a for-rent party bartender, which gave celebrities an even better excuse to invite him into their homes. Even that was risky. One cop memorised Bowers car registration plate and would pull him over, scare him a bit, and then undo Bowers pants while complaining about his miserable marriage. I hope he found happiness, writes Bowers, charitably.

The vice squad is responsible for Bowers impressive memory. Midway through one aside, he recites the address of a silent movie star who has been dead for 45 years. Terrified of a raid, he rarely wrote down his friends information. It was all in my head, says Bowers. I never kept anything. If I wrote down a number, I had it in my hand until I tore it up. Even then, he would swap the first and last digits to ensure the persons identity couldnt be cracked, a trick inspired by the Navajo code talkers.

Now, Bowers has no secrets. Critics have slammed the book and the documentary for outing celebrities without consent. In the film, Tyrnauer includes a film fan arguing that legendary stars deserve more respect. Bowers counters: Whats wrong with being gay? Others have thanked him for sticking up for the real person underneath the studio gloss for revealing their truth the way they might have if they were alive today. It is impossible to know how Hudson and Grant would have chosen to live in a country that legalised gay marriage. Perhaps their lives would have been happier. Although, Bowers notes, even in 2018: Everythings not going to be out in the open. More actors are out, but now must prove they can play both gay and straight characters. Neil Patrick Harris has succeeded; Matt Bomer is trying. Some have decided that it is still easier to hide.

Asked if he is biting his tongue about anyone alive, Bowers blurts out the name of a beloved actor and her 169% gay husband. He is dead; she isnt. So, Bowers will wait. Let me tell you something: when youre dead youre dead, he insists. Later, when the conversation turns to Kevin Spacey Bowers claims to know one of his exes Tyrnauer steadily repeats that Bowers information about the alleged perpetrator is merely secondhand. The director is clearly, and correctly, aware of the complexities of talking sensitively about sex in the era of #MeToo. But after eight decades of secrecy Bowers sighs: Poor Kevin Spacey, he was right in the middle of a picture and they dumped him and everything. Thanks to #MeToo, morality clauses are making a comeback. This time, one hopes they will only be wielded for good.

Cary Grant (right) with his room mate Randolph Scott. Photograph: Snap/Rex Features

Hollywood journalist Liz Smith once quipped: All this crap about coming out! Honey, I dont think I have ever really been in! Before she died last November, she affirmed that Hepburn was a lesbian.

I was pleased that she went on the record about Hepburn because I dont think shed ever done it before, says Tyrnauer. It really provides a great assist to Scottys narrative about Hepburn and Tracy, because people are in willful suspension of belief about this supposed golden couple.

Even more startling are Bowers lusty tales about Wallis Simpson and Edward VIII. Wally and Eddie, corrects Bowers, waving away their formal names. It was very easy to see how she talked him out of being king of England because she had complete control over him, says Bowers. She told him if you want to fool around and do this and that, you cant do it if youre king.

Scotty Bowers at home in LA. Photograph: Courtesy of Greenwich Entertainment

A lot of people dont believe that particular story, says Tyrnauer. But he places them at the Beverly Hills Hotel in the 50s. We found a picture of them in the Beverly Hills Hotel in that period its in the movie. Four former clients knew Edward, and the couples close friend, photographer Cecil Beaton, titled an entire chapter of his diary: Scotty.

There were many, many factors that connected them, says Tyrnauer. I cross-referenced everything I could. When Bowers described a mansions winding pathway to the pool house, or a gate in a backyard, Tyrnauer would pull up an aerial view of Google Maps and there it was, as though the nonagenarian had visited yesterday.

In Los Angeles, notes the director: You can wipe the dust off something that has been obscured and find the truth. Scottys a living example of that. Here he was in Laurel Canyon for decades minding his business. And yet hes Scotty Bowers, the infamous male madame to the stars, and either you knew it or you didnt.

He has tried to ensure Scotty and the Secret History of Hollywood tells the truth instead of peddling innuendo like tabloids, TMZ, or even acclaimed smut such as Kenneth Angers Hollywood Babylon.

Am I in that, too? asks Bowers.

Tyrnauer chuckles: Maybe between the lines.

There always will be secret life happening, beams Bowers. People should do what pleases them and the other person some people just please more than a few.

Scotty and the Secret History of Hollywood is out now in the US and awaiting a UK release date

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

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thecosmocollective-blog · 6 years

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5 Habits of A #Girlboss

The Cosmo Collective was my very first endeavor into #girlboss territory. In the past, I never had employees reporting to me, deadlines relying on me, and a company that only stays afloat if I stay on my game. The first couple months leading up to our launch, and a few weeks after, I’m positive I was just a chicken running around with it’s head cut off (aka…a hot mess) but as time has gone on and the company has grown, I’ve learned a few things about handling stress, handling myself, and handling a company that has taken off faster than I could have ever expected.

There is far more to being a #girlboss than meets the eye. Sure, skipping around saying you’re the CEO is fun, but it’s much less exciting if you have nothing to show for the shiny new title. Staying on your A-game is a full time job and sometimes includes the short end of the stick (hello 8am wake-up calls and midnight re-edits). These 5 #girlboss habits focus on bettering your mental, emotional, and physical health so that no matter what you’re taking on that day, you can #girlboss it up from sunrise to sunset. And remember, you don’t have to own a company the be the #girlboss of your life. Whether its a classroom, a boardroom, or your apartment living room, these habits will make any day in your #girlboss life a successful one!

Habit #1 - Dream Big but Start Small

To accomplish something, you have to first have a goal in mind. When I started The Cosmo Collective I wrote down goals for the week, the month, the year, and both 5 and 10 years down the line. This type of goal setting gives me the bigger picture and reminds me of what is to come and what we could be doing if we accomplish the smaller goals right now. It shows me what I’m working for and why it’s worth it. Absolutely no goal is ever too big if you’re able to recognize all the smaller goals that’ll have to be accomplished first. The small stuff, the tedious tasks, the daily grind…it all adds up into something immeasurable in comparison. Every little check mark on the to-do list for the day or week is also one check mark closer to your ultimate dream.

Habit #2 - Get Some Actual Real, Quality Sleep

I can not stress enough how important sleeping is. Put it in your planner every single day if you have to. Promise yourself 8 hours of real deal, high quality, in your comfy bed, actual dream worthy sleep every single night and your body will promise you a productive, organized, prioritized, focused brain. Everyone is happier after a good nights sleep and no matter if you’re reporting to professors or employees are reporting to you, everyone will like you more if you’re body is well rested. You can’t focus on anything if all you’re worried about is keeping your eyes open.

Habit #3 - Make The Most of Mornings

Mornings and me didn’t get a long for a very long time. Once The Cosmo Collective was really rolling, I started having to book calls with east coast companies and since they’re 3 hours ahead, a totally normal 11am call for them would be a totally half-asleep 8am call for me. Once I was forcing myself to get up at 7am regularly though, I realized how much better I felt finishing over half my to-do list before noon every day. Mornings are so wonderful. The first step to a really successful morning is getting enough sleep the night before (see above) but after that, use these extra hours to your advantage. Do you like some ‘me time’ in the morning? Read a book or journal or do a face mask while you wake up. Do you always want to work out but never have the time? Take a walk, do some yoga, find a hike nearby. Mornings don’t have to be dedicated to work every day, they just have to be dedicated to success every day. Some mornings I wake up and start calls and emails and some I wake up and work out and some I wake up and just lay in bed. Make the most of these extra hours in any way that benefits you and your goals for the day.

Habit #4 - Write Down Everything

The notes app on my phone is probably the most used app over instagram, email, calendar, and even texting. I write down literally every single thought I have. As a #girlboss, your mind is running 100 miles a minute and often times someone tells me something (or my brain reminds me of something) and it’s in one ear and out the other. I’ve started writing down everything in my phone. To-do lists for both work life and personal life, food I just ran out of and need to get at the grocery store, outfit ideas for a shoot we have in 3 weeks, song lyrics that would make a great instagram caption, a company I saw while shopping with I want to remember to reach out to…these are all fleeting thoughts I have that would disappear into the bottomless pit of my brain if I didn’t write them down right away. How often have you been so mad because you thought of the next million dollar idea while sitting in traffic but now that you’re home you can’t remember what it was? Don’t let yourself forget all these awesome things floating in your head.

Habit #5 - Dress for Success

People always say to me “It’s so cool that you work from home and get to wear your pajamas all day” and I always nod and laugh and maybe internally roll my eyes a little. I think that if you want to be a #girlboss you’ve got to dress the part. That means waking up, getting dressed, and pulling yourself together for a successful day. Even a fresh face with some jeans and a t-shirt is better than some sleep shorts and last nights makeup. I always have a better day when I get into an outfit I feel confident, powerful, and pretty in. I’m lucky that my job doesn’t require a dress code, and yes sometimes I wear workout clothes to photoshoots, but when I’m on the phone with brands or sending call sheets to models from my laptop, I hope they know that I am taking this just as seriously as they are, and that starts by taking off the sweat pants (but not before 10am if I don’t have to).

#girlboss #business #success #inspiration

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annie-m-lima-blog · 6 years

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My first book review! Yay!

So I wanted to start a new ritual where I review books that I’ve read. Being perfectly honest here, I’m not a big reader. I used to read everything I could get my hands on, but that is a long forgotten habit. I now need an obligation to force myself to pick up books again.

….And you want to be a writer?

Yes, I know. But I read a book! It was just a terrible one. And now I’m upset because my first review is going to be a rant thinly disguised as something...else? Maybe?

Anyway, “What Are You Afraid Of” by Alexandra Ivy.

Outlines, well-developed characters, and a thesaurus. Obviously.

Ok, so this is a crime novel. I picked it up for some tips on how to drag out the suspense. My Zootopia novel (about cops chasing criminals) quite frankly needs all the help it can get. However, I discovered some important don’ts rather than do’s here so let's write those down (yes, I am aware of how salty I sound right now.) (Also spoilers)

Don’t make carbon copy characters: the Main Character, Carmen, and her love interest, Griffin, are one in the same. Carmen is a gorgeous woman. Griffin has a rockin’ bod. Carmen is a driven journalist. Griffin is a skilled software developer. She made bank off her book about serial killers. He made bank off of the FBI for the software to catch serial killers. (This is how they met by the way) She watched her mom get shot. He watched his mom get shot. See where I’m going with this? I understand that a love interest needs to have stuff in common with the MC but this made them seem plain and boring. No insta love: Especially when they start off having a major conflict. She used him to get information for her book. He was furious about that for months leading up to the start of the book. The second he sees her all that melts away by the steaming, hot, lustful thoughts he has about her body and suddenly she’s perfect, and he would protect her with his life. This happened all in the first 100 pages. Which made the second 264 pages that much harder to read. This scary suspense story was halted several times to mention how hot they thought each other was and in the middle of all the drama they have sex. Like a lot. Being chased by crazed maniacs is apparently a huge turn on for these guys. But on the plus side, she can write a decent sex scene. Outlines are your friends: I understand that these types of stories are supposed to give you plot twists. I was not expecting whiplash. The premise of the novel was pretty intriguing. The book that she wrote was a nonfiction documentation of five serial killers and their victims. So when she got an envelope filled with pictures of women with their heads bashed in, she suspected that it was old pictures from one of the serial killers she interview. It was his M.O. after all so that’s pretty believable. It wasn’t until she noticed that these women weren't mentioned in her interview with the killer that she started to feel uneasy. Notice that the prologue was a gruesome death scene so I know that a) the pictures are real and b) the killers raped the woman before they killed her. I mention this because Carmen believed that the pictures were faked. Sometimes. She flipped back and forth between the “are they real or are they not” thing through 2/3rds of the book. That coupled with the fact that the “maybe they’re fake” argument only went as far as to vaguely mention the thought every few pages made it more of an annoyance than a note of suspense. Secondly. Carmen is a thin, blonde white woman - the victims are also thin, blonde, white women. It is one of the important factors showing that this is not the original killer and is, in fact, a copycat killer(s)(They don’t know there is more than one killer for most of the book). The killer she interviewed was notorious for not being picky about his women. One who reads the back of the book knows this is the way to signify that the copycat is Carmen’s stalker...because they said so. However, Griffin took a look at these pictures and immediately assessed that she was being targeted. There was no build up, no major revelation. Can the killer not just have a preference? We KNOW he’s having sex with them. So it makes it utterly gross when they try and finger her uncle for the crimes. Her uncle’s motivation isn’t even sexual. This wasn’t a crazy plot twist. It was bad writing. Speaking of her uncle’s motivation; he secretly stole her inheritance when her father shot her mother and then himself. Firstly, how? It was 3 million dollars. So nobody outside of her parents and her uncle knew about that? She sure didn’t. She’s an heiress to a line of grocery stores, and she never got any money. She never questioned any of this? Furthermore, he’s coming out of the woodwork now that her book sold. Why? Griffin said that it was because she now had money for lawyers but she doesn’t know about the inheritance and never spoke to her uncle so...why would he bother? It seems to me like it would cause more attention to himself to stir stuff up now. Right before the big climax for two pages, the author put in a countdown of victims for the five killers. So, the killers killed five women like the first killer, four like the second killer, three like the third killer. It would be intimidating but on the next page Carmen gets kidnapped, and the timeline gets messed up. Note that this wasn’t mentioned anywhere in any of the snippets from the killers pov either. The author just threw this in last second just to neglect it. Not a plot twist. Don’t let the climax suck: She gets captured. The killer unceremoniously revealed himself as her housekeeper’s son. The guy was mentioned maybe three times all together and had two lines in the entire book. He thinks that her father was his father and that they were related, confirming the creepy incest vibe. This wasn’t set up at all but really and truly I should have seen this coming because the only two things I know about her father were contradictory to each other. I know that he adored his wife and that he killed his wife. Ronnie (the brother) admitted that he was the one who killed both her parents in a rage over being denied as the son. To cope with the trauma Carmen ….suppressed the knowledge that Ronnie was there and only remembered seeing the bodies of her parents? Because someone she admits to not knowing well killing her parents is more traumatic than her father killing her mother? That is most certainly NOT a plot twist. Then the author decided to write a plot twist inside of a plot twist creating a weird plot twist inception. It turns out that Ronnie was fed information by Carmen’s cousin to make him believe that he was Carmen’s brother. He's not, but the cousin wanted to drive Carmen's father away to protect the company from going bankrupt. Because he was worried about this at 15? Why did he even think that Carmen's father would back away from his only source of income over that? This cousin, let’s call him Ted because I already forgot his name, was part of Ronnie’s team and decided to tell him all of this after Griffin showed up to save Carmen, during their daring escape. Was there not a more convenient time to do this? Really? Do you have to do this right now? At least he killed Ronnie, forcing the author to stop calling him “unstable” and “insane” every few lines. Yes, I get it. You don’t have to tell me 23 times in 10 pages. Finally, they did the classic “Tim pulled a gun on Carmen so Griffin pulled a gun on Tim” fiasco. Law and Order SVU taught me that if you shoot the guy who has a gun on your friend his reflexes will pull the trigger on your friend. So I don’t care what the author says, Carmen’s dead. Reality doesn’t just stop because you want it to. Don’t add bad plot twists in the epilogue: After this is over, Griffin starts driving to Carmen’s uncle’s house while daydreaming about marrying Carmen (a whopping three weeks after their first meet) He storms into his office and makes a show of threatening the dude for Carmen’s inheritance. (You just said you’d marry her. You’re a millionaire. Why does it matter?) He admits to having it and agrees to repay her. He also admits to trying to run them off the road into a ravine that one time. So he’s a wannabe killer now too. Cool. You just tied up loose ends. STILL not a plot twist.

Those were all just the “big issues” I had with the story. The writing annoyed me too. I was told the same information 18 hundred times throughout the story. The clues were also unceremoniously thrown in as question that a character asked him(her)self. Every time. Also, I head hopped the entire time. We get Carmen’s, Griffin’s and Ronnie’s pov’s. We also got pov’s of three of the victims. It was overly disjointed and seemed smashed together.

Decent point: Those death scenes in the pov of the victim who was getting killed was admittedly pretty chilling. Kudos.

….I don’t have a way to end this...so bye? I guess? I’ll be reading Stephen King’s “Carrie” next. So hopefully my next review will be a happier one.

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samuelfields · 6 years

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Five Steps To Improving Productivity: A Quora Case Study

Since making money from our investments might be getting more difficult, it’s good if everybody figures out how to improve productivity. During a downturn, corporations try to squeeze employees to do more after letting go of a bunch of people.

But working more is not my definition of being more productive. Working the the same and generating more output, working less and generating the same output, or working less and generating more output is a much better definition.

We often get stuck in a rut, doing the same thing and expecting things to improve. We’re also creatures of habit despite knowing there are better ways to get things done.

One example of being inefficient is tracking your net worth on an excel spreadsheet despite the proliferation of free net worth tracking software. Another example of inefficiency is vegging out in front of the TV instead of also doing something brainless at the same time, like folding laundry. Another example is watching a terrible movie on a 5-hour flight instead of doing some work on a laptop.

In this post I’d like to introduce my 5-step productivity framework using writing answers on Quora as a case study.

Step #1: Identify The Pain Points

Since running out of energy last year, I needed to figure out what were the things that were sucking up my time or causing unnecessary grief. I zeroed in on three things:

1) Responding to comments without getting acknowledgement or a response back when I ask for follow up.

2) Responding to questions when the answer is clearly in the post.

3) Debating about a topic with a reader only to discover they don’t have the relevant experience.

At one point, I was seriously deliberating disabling comments or responding to nobody since all these activities takes around three hours a week. Given I try to keep my work load to no more than 25 hours a week, I was wasting 12% of work time.

Step #2: Replace Wasted Time With Potentially Useful Time

Since identifying my pain points, I’ve stopped responding to obvious questions, included a warning in my comment system about not approving low value commentary, and decided to use the remaining time answering questions on Quora, a Q&A platform with roughly 80 million users who don’t follow Financial Samurai.

My goal is to encourage FS readers to become more involved in the community by providing their own thoughts to other readers’ comments. Further, I want readers who have questions to improve their self-sufficiency by typing their questions into my search box or typing “XYZ Question Financial Samurai” in Google. As I’ve been writing about personal finance since 2009, I’ve covered most financial topics.

Here are the main benefits I thought of writing on Bay Area-based Quora.

Tap a new audience that is unfamiliar with Financial Samurai.

Build link backs to key pillar articles on Financial Samurai.

Build my reputation in Personal Finance, Real Estate, Investing, and San Francisco

Meet potentially interesting people online outside of the personal finance blog echo chamber

Have fun and be intellectually stimulated

Step #3: Establish A Short Window For Testing

I gave myself 30 days to focus on building my profile on Quora.

In one month, I was able to generate 1.1 million answer views, or 33,333 views a day on average. I answered 70 questions in the 30 day time frame. I’m not sure how good this is, but I think the median number of views a user gets is around 1,000 a day.

The summary shows I answered 84 questions. The additional 14 are answers I wrote years ago when Quora first started. Back then, I thought it was a waste of time since it wasn’t very popular and they made you earn credit in order to ask question, which I thought was stupid.

Step #4: Come Up With Specific Goals You Want To Achieve In The Testing Window

Without specific goals, you’ll end up going down a rabbit hole. Improving productivity requires laser focus.

My goals were to:

Become a “Most Viewed Writer” on the subjects I cared most about: San Francisco, San Francisco Bay Area, Personal Finance, and Real Estate.

Try to achieve 1 million views

Stay consistent for 30 days

Build some repertoire with SF media

I became a “Most Viewed Writer” in all subjects I focused on. I’m pleased with my results in the Real Estate section where I achieved the #1 spot with only 13 answers versus the #2 guy with less views, but with 1,242 answers! 1,242 answers is ridiculous and clearly shows an addiction or a lack of efficiency! I don’t even know how he finds the time to eat and go to the bathroom answering 41.2 answers a day on average.