#many different parts of the body

[strawberrybabydog]

if we keep doing uwu soft little vampire and big strong dumb werewolf how are we going to ever break out of gender binary

if i see 1 more artist make the masculine/larger/stronger human partner into the werewolf im going to freak out

lycanthropy is about losing yourself. please i am begging you to make someone random, someone unequipped, into a werewolf. please. small scrawny werewolves who are weak and scared, feminine werewolves, werewolves who struggle with the idea of taking something's life (even another animal for food) werewolves who refuse to get dirty because they're averse. werewolves need more than 1 mental illness yall

its kind of a joke at the beginning but not really. make an insane jacked vampire and her petite femme werewife with braided patterned fur or something; make the vampire a seamstress who wont quit until her werewife has the perfect fitting dress for her new furry body. stop with the "oh this character is butch/masc, CLEARLY they would make a good werewolf" shut uuuuupp be a LITTLE more creative. come on!!! do you really think every single werewolf has a premium gym membership? quit drawing them like it !!!

#this post has been brought to u in part by cinnamon #have none of u considered that if u give a werewolf a Different set of problems they will be way more interesting #how many times have i seen the 'lycanthropy is a good metaphor for everything' post and agreed #but still im only seeing jacked violent huge strong animalistic werewolves. whyyy #how can you say this is basically a universal experience and then only assign 1 body shape and traits to a character Forever. #like yeah thats very 'diverse experiences' of you........ to only portray the everyman in the form of a werewolf...... sooo representative.. #like genuinely who are werewolves supposed to represent because allegedly its me and i have yet to truly relate to a werewolf in media #i do not relate to wanting to mercilessly slaughter or being powerful or striking fear in others or being ripped and violent #maybe im missing the point or something but.. i AM a werewolf :0/ #just 1 nonmasc werewolf. please. that is all im asking for. idc if theyre androgyne or a void. idc. just NOT a gymbro as a werewolf. #idec if they fill the stereotypical traits of a werewolf just NOT A GYMBRO!! #werewolf posting #woof

[sciderman]

I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain

Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it

i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)

really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!

undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.

i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.

people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.

peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.

it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."

so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.

people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.

autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.

#a lot of my traits have been exacerbated lately and i remember it was much easier for me before #and some of my friends have said “oh it's because you've been masking too long and now you're facing autistic burnout.” #and that made sense to me i think. #but then i found out about the stress thing. me overproducing stress hormone. and that's a very physical thing. #and that explains why i've been overstimulated more than usual lately. and why everything feels like too much. #and i wonder how many of these traits of mine are going to subside once i have lamar removed #and it makes me wonder a lot of things. and it's so weird how much your brain is tied to your biology. #i wonder how much i'll change. i wonder how i'll feel. i wonder if i'll still feel like me. i wonder how much me is me right now. #and how much of me is being altered by weird freaky hormones. who am i?? who will i be?? #i'm almost looking at this as like. a superhero origin story of some sort. like this is my spider-bite moment. maybe. #will i be different? will i cope with things differently?? now that my body isn't fighting something anymore?? #maybe i'll be normal. i don't know. i don't know. #i don't know what it'll mean for me. #but all of these things mean i relate to peter parker in a certain kind of way #i don't think you have to be diagnosed with autism to recognise and empathise with those traits i think #i think everyone can see themselves in peter. and i think that's the benefit of having characters that aren't diagnosed. #because there's so much overlap in the human experience. and certain feelings aren't exclusive to just one group of people. #peter has such a rich identity actually. it's an autistic thing. it's a queer thing. it's a jewish thing. it's a trauma thing. #there are so many overlapping parts of peter's identity that inform who he is and how he behaves and it's never just one thing. #it's a product of all of his things. #just like me! just like everyone. #so me? i guess i can be a million things. you can explain what i am in a million different ways. #a hundred different psychologists can all come up with different ways to explain why i be the way i be. #i don't think it's something that can be simplified. #sorry wow. i'm really going off here in the tags. #i hope people don't think i'm stupid. i don't know brain science. i'm just philosophising as usual. #sci speaks

[uncanny-tranny]

Hey, you're being lied to about what fitness constitutes. If you can't work in an hour-long crossfit slog, but you can work in a five-minute walk, then that is still fitness. If you can't use your legs but you can do arm circles every now and again, that is still fitness. If you're moving around at work, that's still fitness. It can be intentional or incidental, but here's the best part: your body doesn't care if you're dedicating specific work-out times. It doesn't care if the "only" fitness it gets is your nine to five on your feet. It doesn't care, fitness is fitness is fitness. Some of us do it differently, but the end result is more or less similar.

If you can do any type of fitness safely, your body isn't going to care if you're doing it like an Olympic athlete or if you're just a casual.

#fitness #gentle reminders #i hate hate hate the idea that fitness must be done Intentionally and in a Hegemonic Way #like... fitness is whatever you make of it and whatever you do #your body isn't going to be like 'well you walked for fove minutes but you didn't do shoulder presses at the gym so it doesn't count 😊' #if you want more specific forms of fitness then SURE you might want to do more specific exercises and activities #but if your goal is overall movement for however much if your body then... you don't Need to be THAT specific #and your goals may be specific for only parts of your body and that's GREAT! #a wheelchair user may for example do more arm exercises so they can use a manual chair for instance... #...and to many people i've noticed they don't think it 'counts' because the chair user isn't using 'all' of their body... #...but it's like... using your arms in non-powered chairs can be really important so like. it's still fitness. #you don't actually have to equally focus on everything if you don't want to or can't #all this to say that fitness is Not hegemonic and you don't need to feel shame about what you do or don't do #even a tiny tiny TINY amount is significant and matters <3 #this is definitely something i've gotten more passionate about since becoming a ~gym bro~ #because you see just how different people are and what they want out of fitness #and it's taught me a lot more about my own disabilities and how i work with (and even against) them to find balance #this is what i love about those fitness video games too! because they're often made to be engaging and fun! #i LOVED just dance as a kid and that was fitness merging with video games (and i loved video games (still do!)) #and i HIGHLY recommend people get video games like just dance or that one nintendo ring game because of these elements! #it combines the comfort of home with movement with engaging music/story/video game elements #and things like that make me believe in peace and love and care on planet earth <<3

[commsroom]

i think there's something to be said about what exactly it means to be "non-human" in a story that is as much about humanity as wolf 359 is, where even the dear listeners are defined less by their own perspective and more by what they fail to understand and therefore reflect about the human perspective - to the point that they don't even have their own voices or faces or identities that aren't either given to them or taken from humans. they speak to humanity as a mirror.

even pryce and cutter are "very much humans" - pryce defined by her resentment of and desire to transcend its limitations, and cutter by his aspirations to redefine and create a "better" type of human - and find the idea that they might not be human laughable. it's interesting that they have distinctly transhumanist aspirations when their goal is the narrative opposite of common science fiction fears: that we will expand the definition of humanity so much that we'll lose whatever it is that makes us human. pryce and cutter's transhumanism narrows the definition of humanity to the worthy and the useful, as defined by them; "there will still be a humanity; it'll just be our humanity."

in direct opposition to that, i think it's meaningful that the show instead expands the definition of humanity in ways that include lovelace and hera, who in another show with different themes might be considered (in the descriptive, non-moralistic sense) non-human. i will always make a point of saying that personhood and humanity are two often-related but meaningfully distinct concepts, especially when talking about sci-fi and fantasy. i am talking about humanity.

the question of how hera identifies, and what social pressures influence that, is a complicated one. i've talked about it before and i will talk about again. what's important for the purposes of this post is that i think the show considers her fundamentally human. think about her role in shut up and listen - consider jacobi's lion example and the concept of different paradigms - that even things that are close to humans, comparatively speaking, understand the world in different ways. whatever differences hera may have from the others, it's primarily in experience, not fundamental understanding. she shares their emotions, their concerns, their values, their thought patterns. she has an appreciation for music, which the show considers a hallmark of humanity. she fits within the framework of humanity as the show defines and is, in her own words, left feeling "uneasy" about how difficult it might be to communicate with beings who don't. and it's significant that this takes place in shut up and listen, of all episodes, specifically because the way she is clearly and unambiguously included in the show's understanding of what it means to be human highlights the ways she and lovelace are othered by eiffel's careless comments that suggest otherwise.

(i don't want to get too into these details for this particular post, but it's worth noting that hera will refer to 'humans' as a category, often when she is upset and feeling isolated, but has never said that she 'isn't human' - she has never been upset that people are treating her 'too' human. i've seen it said about the line "you need to get it through your heads that what goes for you doesn't always go for me", but that's a frustration related to ability and safety, not identity. far more often, she will refer to herself in 'human' terms - referring idiomatically to experiences or body parts etc. that she doesn't literally have - and is upset primarily with comments referring to her status as an AI. it does not diminish how being an AI influences her perspective and experience, but again, so much of that is in terms of ability that it feels almost inseparable from a discussion about disability.)

lovelace's humanity and hera's humanity are so interlinked and directly paralleled in the text that i think it's impossible to really argue one of them is "not" human without making implications about the other. in desperate measures, lovelace tells kepler he's "not human" and he responds "you're hilarious. on a multitude of levels." later, defending lovelace against kepler's repeated dehumanization, hera very pointedly uses the phrase "that woman." in out of the loop, hera says she's never met anyone who "worked so hard at being inhuman" as jacobi, who says "what do you know about being human?" hera very emphatically responds, "i know plenty." later, defending hera against jacobi's repeated dehumanization, minkowski pointedly uses the phrase "that woman." with the care taken towards language and the way scenes and turns of phrase will parallel each other, that's not a coincidence. it might seem strange to have the "non-human" characters be the ones to express criticisms based on perceived "humanity" (something hera will do in other contexts as well - "we don't have funerals for animals" etc.) but in the broader context of the show, i think it's the point.

so, whether hera would ever call herself human, or be comfortable with that, is a complicated question for another time and depends on a lot of other factors. but wolf 359 is a show about humanity, it includes her within its definition of what it means to be human, and i wouldn't be comfortable definitively saying she's not human because of that. it can't be a neutral statement within the particular context of this show.

#wolf 359 #w359 #hera wolf 359 #there are so many concepts here that could be posts on their own #but this is already too long. sorry. #i think it's also worth noting how often i see the discussion of hera and humanity conflated with the discussion of #whether hera would want a body and while i think there's some degree of influence in that. if she has human experiences without human form #there's something uniquely isolating about that that could influence her decision. BUT. the form she exists or doesn't exist in #is separate from whether the show includes her within its 'in group' of humanity. which thematically it does. #hera can be considered equally human without ever having any type of physical form. that's part of expanding the definition #and i think that's an important distinction. #anyway sorry i'm kind of passionate about this it just. doesn't quite sit right with me i guess #in a lot of cases i think it's important to acknowledge that non-human characters have different experiences from human ones and #a lot of science fiction will (or should) decentralize the human experience. but it's core to the themes of wolf 359. it's different. #i think hera is so interesting as a take on the 'human AI' character because. the mistake a lot of them make is having a character #'learn how to be human' and it feels patronizing. but hera is. a fundamentally human person who has been told she isn't #and internalized that. and i think that's much more complex and. well. human. i know she's just a fictional character but #i can't help but feel a little defensive sometimes #it's also part of a larger discussion but feeling inhuman is a not uncommon human experience. it is within those bounds

[dannybobany]

Fnaf au where William figures out how to actually resurrect cc and then the aftons just have to live with that— not only is cc undead now but dad is freaking victor Frankenstein !! (like, literally, I imagine William discovered how to harvest remnant from recently deceased corpses rather then killing anyone himself, thus the mci doesn’t happen and Charlie doesn’t die either)

They just have to pretend this is normal and fine

#I imagine it’s especially awful for cc and Micheal I mean #think about how odd that is for cc #most of him are the original parts but many internal organs had to be replaced #the parts that become unusable quicker.. #he looks the same on the outside but he knows the difference. he knows something is very different #furthermore he wouldn’t age normally #if he ever wanted to look older he’d have to add new parts.. new bones and skin #and I imagine that’s a disturbing prospect for him so he’d avoid it at all cost #trapped in an unageing body for presumably eternity #and then theirs Micheal #while the whole family grieved Michael’s grief was in tandem with guilt #he killed his brother- it’s his fault this happened #but then he just.. came back.. as if it didn’t happen? how is Micheal supposed to be ok with that #how can you ever reverse the death of someone in your mind when you’ve already lived the grief? #I wonder how this would effect Williams relationship with his family #Clara I’m sure would be upset with him for not telling her #like he was digging up corpses and experimenting with forces beyond human comprehension #and he didn’t think for even a second “maybe I should tell my wife??” #she’s worried she’s not getting the full story- that’s it’s worse then he’s telling her #and I think Williams relationship with his kids would change too #Elizabeth could go either way but maybe she’d side with him #she in her naivety would believe that it’s a good thing #cc is alive! isn’t that what matters? didn’t you miss him? aren’t you happy he’s back? #I’m gonna cap this here #I’ve been going on too long

[coquelicoq]

wakes up. takes out earplugs. ah yes. another fine day in sensory hell.

#and based on how my body feels and how much detail i can remember of my dream this is the one day i would have actually #slept in. if not for the Sounds #yesterday was rough there were so many extremely 1) loud 2) alarming 3) long-lasting sounds. of different sources #and at the same time #today is shaping up to more of the same #it's frustrating because the worst of the sounds are from maintenance/construction on my building #WHICH WE WERE NOT WARNED ABOUT??? #there was no posted or mailed notice??? which is INSANE #we should have been told not only that it was happening but when and for how long #not to be overdramatic but does the property manager think we're people? hard to say. #also i think this construction is at least in part because of a problem i reported but! it's not going to fix the whole problem! #it's just going to hide the worst part of it. i know this because if they actually wanted to fix the whole problem they would have to #come into my unit which they have not done and i've gotten no notice that they're going to #i have to get the fuck out of this place

[alphacrone]

"health is the most important thing" they'll say and then get mad at you for relying on medication

#chronic illness #mental illness #look i understand big pharma is a nightmare #i understand that medications have side effects #i understand that overprescribing certain drugs has had negative impacts on public health in many different ways #but im not gonna apologize for prioritizing the more urgent parts of my health #it's such an able-bodied thing to get mad about #i can't pilates-lemon water-deep breathe my way out of an autoimmune disorder babes

[jvzebel-x]

the Damar Hamilin situation is horrific for a lot of reasons, obviously, but it still just... i am honestly at a loss for words at how the NFL is&has been handling it.

like, this wasn't a mistake or an accident, this was a function of the game&a clean play. there was no foul, as far as i could tell or have heard. an extremely healthy&well trained young man almost fucking died as a function of the game, &the NFL is not only trying to deny their callousness at the event in general:

they have got whole cardiologists on deck trying to explain what happened like it wasn't a CLEAN HIT THAT STOPPED HIS HEART ON NATIONAL TELEVISION:

[image text: From your perspective, what are the possible causes of Hamlin's cardiac arrest?

Dr. Baggish: There's a long list: there are genetic and congenital abnormalities which could be at play, I know there's been speculation about the blunt force from the tackle, but I would say that it's really premature to make any speculation. In fact, to jump to a conclusion would be a mistake. The diagnosis of commotio cordis, for example [which refers to a fatal disruption of the heart rhythm from a blow to the chest], is what we call a diagnosis of exclusion, meaning other things have been eliminated. We would never conclude that unless other factors have been ruled out. /text]

this shit is fucking evil.

#like i had to stop looking at articles about this last night bc some of them just fucking made me wild. #&like i just cant believe how comfortable this organization is about making it clear how disposable their players #are. i have so many feelings&thoughts about how this is supposed to be the dream for so many poor kids #esp poor kids of colour. how my brothers gave whole parts of their bodies as literal children to the cause of #sports scholarships&what potential that could give them. how not only is that already a pipe dream for the most part #but even the lucky ones end up. here. #arguing about their rights after a career worth of concussions&having literal brain damage played down #&thats without even getting into the very obvious racial aspect of things. #like i know i shouldnt be surprised at all after the last few years but. like is just. #like another article talks to a different cardiologist who calls this a 'rare condition' which only really impacts kids in sports. #&its like. okay so even when youre willing to acknowledge the reality of the situation you STILL need to act like this is a fReAk AcCiDeNt? #&your way to do that is by saying 'oh this usually only happens to KIDS who play these sports'?????? fucking WHAT???

[roychewtoy]

#that post thats like even when u watch a not very good horror movie its still a good time. on account of the horrors😁 #anyway i had to get the body horror moments smashed together in an edit as they were [surprising nobody] my favourite parts. love and light #and ive become endeared to miles...... #real shame theres not any good pics of the sfx prosthetics i wanted to see that mouth stretch one. fuckin craaaazy #love the dedication to like. quick ass shots. how many different pieces would need to be made for it to land #like the army of darkness face stretch. or pullin the tracker out the schnozz in total recall #i love u practical effects!!!!!!!!!!!! i LOVE the face meld here. [pointing at screen] yooooo anyone getting splitface thing vibes #right let me fire off some tags so this shit is coated and covered #body horror #gore #blood #flashing #..yeah? yeaah👍 #miles robbins #daniel isn't real #my edit #chewtoy #also the amount of times he goes for his mouth man. i only noticed the one on the roof before the fall when i was editing this #literally fingers in his mouth friday bleaaauughh

[ezraphobicsoup]

the unending cosmic horrors of the universe versus A Song

#that’s what rockabye the musical was about im pretty sure #also that one dr who episode #or prolly more than one #i need to either become music or have like multiple bodies to listen to more music or just be completely swallowed by music #i’m normal about music aren’t i #this isn’t even about a specific song it’s about many many many of them #i dunno cause like i think that music is kinda just life isn’t it #i’ve said this before but yknow the inherent rhythms of movement in life is like the basis for music #yesterday i had a conversation about how would we play the piano if we had four arms & hands #and the conclusion was that instruments would have developed in a completely different way! the basic rhythm of our collective selves #and the way that we would act beyond music in terms of just surviving would be entirrely different #there was something more about that but i forget. #anyway the broader statement here is that art is an inherent part of being a human being and we are all art and we are all human beings #and that’s incredible really. like in an even broader sense i am alive and you are alive and that’s art maybe in some way #i’m not quite sure what i’m saying these are just the thoughts i regularly rotate in my brain like everyone else #ok tumbles and esteemed guests (1-3 people realistically) i leave you with those ramblings #have a good evening or otherwise time #ezra’s real life rambles #ezra likes music

[missjamiekaye]

yooooooo I finished Signalis the other night and the longer I'm stewing on it the more I'm like "*gasp* oh fuuuuuuck that's gooooood"

when horror hits just right

#how much of it is an internal #very buggy #struggle #to fulfill her “promise” #and how many characters are just representing her different aspects of that struggle #Adler gets me a little bit #adler is herself #Adler is the part of herself that doesn't want to fulfill her promise #aaaaaaaaaaa #her mind and body deteriorating and struggling with losing her mind but also fulfilling her promise ahehahioeajlksd f

[nyehilismwriting]

Ok important question, how/do the aliens kiss? Like does the species kiss or have something with the same meaning?

they don't kiss in the way we would think about it, since they don't have mobile lips and have much larger mouths, but they do a lot of like. head nudges, nose touching, rubbing their faces together, that kind of thing. individuals with a lot of experience with humans - particular how humans expression affection/desire - will pick up more habits akin to kissing, depending on their partner - gentle bites, licking, etc.

they also have very long tongues, so do with that information what you will.

#i think culturally they do a lot of like. grooming #and scale care and things for their families and partners #and their ideas about what consistutes an 'intimate' touch (non-sexual) are slightly different #when they're with their friends and family they tend to be very physically touchy #also bc there's levels of communication that come from like. pheromons and sub-vocal frequency sounds and stuff so they like to be close #so they can hear each other #like being able to see your partner's face and knowing what they're thinking #they don't do very many facial expressions so they aren't very good at reading human faces but they ARE good at body language #and a big part of that is touch #so touch averse operatives are going to have some interesting conversations if they're romancing rhaxa #rhaxa has Read Books he knows humans don't like to be grabbed and have their faces touched he is being very good about that rn #but. yeah #sorry u said the magic phrase (asked me about the bugs) so u get an essay #anon #bug lore

[killmebythebeach]

Okay the wizard Scott commissioned was a WIZARD, not a witch, meaning Scott pissed off two magical people on two different occasions

#empires smp #empires smp s2 #scott smajor #sir what did you do #scott has like so many curses on him. hes constantly stealing magic items #hes pissing off magic users #scott looks in a mirror. each body part is glowing a different color

[bitchfitch]

somebody shoot me with a gun until I am dead before I write the first chapter of that pirate thing for like. Genuinely the eighth or ninth time.

#i have versions i like the vibes of #i have versions i like the pacing of #i have versions i like the writing of #i have not a single one that manages to hit even 2 out of those 3 criteria #Like. I think part of the issue is the setting is dreamy its soft and floaty and things arnt Right #but the first thing that happens is a guy loudly boasting about how much hes going to enjoy sexually assaulting his deuteragonist #hes lying. but Toi'uhla doesn't know that. The people ze is choosing to sacrifice zerself for dont know that. #the child whos experiencing the fear of death for the first time doesn't know hes bluffing either. #and the entire time theyre on a boat thats floating in empty nothing in a universe that has no stars left. #So much of making a tangible Threat like that hit is slowing for a moment and describing the ugly details of like #existing. as a physical person in a physical world. This horrible thing is happening and while it does the wind is messing up your hair #That sort of thing. #But there is no wind. there is no water. or rain. Toi'uhla's sense of smell is almost non existent. so ze cant think about the body oder #of that many people in that close of quarters. #And all while this is happening. i have to set up that these are two alien species with distinct cultures and Very different perspectives #on what is happening. Lordakai Senior is the one who lead the raid that killed Toi'uhla's sire and zer siblings. #But ze only knows the name Lordakai. bc for Zer it is completely reasonable to assume that the two Lordakai's are the same guy #Koita are long lived. Toi'uhla has never had reason to learn how to tell how old they are #Lordakai jr is absolutely riding on his dads name. but he doesn't know his dad was a privateer #So like. Theres a lot of shit happening in a weird setting #With two characters that need to Mesh while both putting up complete fronts. #and it needs to set up the stakes and themes for the rest of the damn story. #qnd its just a lot man. I love this project. i love these characters. but there's so many moving pieces bc theres had to be to make enough #Stuff to fill out the long spaces where they're just. on a pirate ship. being bored. #im probably over thinking this #blehgh

[caffeinatedopossum]

Suddenly realizing I've had seizures before :0 but this was just the first one where someone who knew what it was was there to witness it (my girlfriend)

That's so cool and definitely not terrifying /s

#for context i dont spasm uncontrollably like people imagine seizures #i think from the outside it probably just looks like im having a bunch of tics and staring intently and being unresponsive #but then afterwards i end up being really confused and disoriented and forgetful #so its been very easy to forget about the seizures i had in the past because i didnt remember them #until just recently when i was like 'huh that felt familiar-' #from my perspective though its like uh idk its really weird #its a bit different every time but just in general #i tend to be unresponsive even if i can tell whats happening around me #i cant talk or control what my body is doing but i know what part is moving (usually jerkinv my head or arms) #my muscles feel either really rigid or really lax #and then my vision gets so weird #everything is sparkly like colorful static and the edges of my vision gets really dark #and there's intermittent flashes of lights or floating shadows #it feels like im extremely focused and very spaced out at the same time #i keep describing it like my brain is smashing all the buttons at once cause thats what it feels like #its also kinda similar to the feeling of being electrocuted? but i dont think many of you will know what that feels like #hopefully you wont at least #i just happen to #its like a weird buzzing just under your skin that doesnt exactly hurt but doesnt exactly not hurt either #it would be like the pain of a constantly tightened muscle- not painful at first but like strenuous to endure ? #and thdn painful if it stays like that or gets worse #i feel like im not allowed to say i had a seizure because i cant go to doctors about it so i cant get diagnosed >_< #but the thing is not bei g diagnosed isnt gonna stop me from having them #yay denial /j #im hoping theyre just dissociative seizures because god i cannot deal with epilepsy on top of everything else rn #and also because i cant see doctors right now sooo #god im exhausted and scared but i feel like those words dont even measure up to how im doing right now #i dont know. im just enduring #thats all i can really do i think #but i hope i dont have to much longer...