#my feelings were so easy to hurt

[swordheld]

hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

#q&a. #birdsong. #wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3 #i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac- #in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai #after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really. #i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track. #and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy? #it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where #it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that. #how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love. #i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together. #i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too. #the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe. #so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc. #i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.

[totheidiot]

i hate that the solar eclipse just now serves as a reminder that nobody loves me.

#🍂 arian's shit #IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL AND NOTHING HAPPENED. but yeah #i will always think of the solar eclipse i witnessed and think about that #two people one of them my friend the other i thought i could consider my friend but HE PROBABLY DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT. #they both talked and did their things and laughed and they are so damn close to each other it almost made me cry and reminded me that #it was such a profound moment too when i realized what was going on #they were in another world that didn't have me and i get that. i do. they have known each other for a year and i abruptly showed up #two months ago and one of them we are getting close she likes me around #at least i think #the other one he is nice he is supposed to be like this he is nice to everyone that is who he is #so what is happening: he is completely indifferent to me. most he did was remember my name and face. but he is nice. #i like them both so so much it almosg does hurt when i stood there awkwardly almost like i was intruding #and i realized that i have never not been close to anyone #no acquaintances all the friendships i have had they sre the reason why i live and i know that they live for me too #we have known each other since kindergarten. they held my face and cried and told me that i was love when i was leaving for the last time #they love me. i am sure of it. #but now i don't have anyone near whom i do love. people don't love me. i used to be love. #it also hurts that i am Average Person In The World #i am not funny. i do not have unique quirks. i do not have a single talent. #all i am good for is saying the wrong things all time. #even in my old life i was someone. someone who isn't the same as the person who saw the solar eclipse today and felt all this #i was the idiot. I WAS THE IDIOT. i was the writer person. #i don't feel like any of these things now. they had a thing in common: their capacity to love and be loved. #i love very easily but i am not an easy person to love. #vent post #god this is such a small little thing i am the most pathetic thing in the world #feel free to scroll away don't even read this shit #arian contemplates his universe

[detransraichu]

broooo not my ex making posts abt how hard it is to come to terms with being conventionally attractive while having low self-esteem issues and how wild it is to get compliments randomly on their appearance when they go out and how they're worried that their new transmasc boytoy is only into them bc they're hot -_- i'm tired... meanwhile i'm just seen as a gremlin now that i'm not hyperfem... they truly have the biggest issues in the world lol

also they were like "omg turns out i'm not ace i just needed a bf lol" and i'm like yeah. i know. you've been lusting after male characters for years. you were horny as fuck just not for me bc i didn't transition. you only made moves on me when you were bored, lonely or drunk. i always asked if that was the case and you were like no baby it's just your insecurities i don't need you to transition uwu. for 5 years. my trust issues are thru the roof now yayyyyy /dies

#lay text #i'm being mean and petty ugh #my heart kinda hurts but talking w my counsellor abt it helped #it rly helps to have a neutral third party to vent to #also i still think my ex is a good person i don't actually hate them i love them as a friend. but i do hate what they did to me #i hate that they went along w us dating bc they're too much of a doormat. i hate that they thought abt breaking up w me for years #but never told me bc they were worried i wouldn't survive without them financially or emotionally #feels so fucking infantilizing #now i'm so much better off without them despite being broke #that was my first and only real relationship my first time my first everything. i'm so embarrassed wtf i was RIGHT i was right all along #i was right it wasn't just insecurities they straight up never wanted me they wanted future transitioned male-passing me #it was all lies!!! from the get-go!!! meanwhile i did so much romantic bullshit and i was wearing rose colored glasses!!!! #and i was a big dyke. being with a woman who identified as a woman would've made me 2000x happier anyway. we could've just stayed roommates #i'm so bitter guys. i feel so jaded but i'm trying not to be :/ #and now they have so much luck in their love life #and i'm just a lonely gremlin dyke who only attracts polyam/casual girls who only want me on the side #where tf is my love story :'( i've been trying SOOO FUCKING HARD to gain my ex's affection for 5 freaking years i was the most loveydovey g #i deserve a love story i think i've really earned it by now!!!!! #so much love to give #now they have it so easy wtf. feels unfair ngl. i'm happy for them obviously they deserve happiness too. but i am still bitter >:/ #trying to process these feels instead of repressing them for once. i have a tendency to bottle up angst bc i think i'm bad for being mad #but nope those r healthy emotions!!! i can work thru this #it just sucks #if you read all of this bs i give you a cookie 🍪 <3

[ssreeder]

If you had to pick your five most favorite scenes you've ever written in your fics, what would they be?

Ok time to answer this lol. It’s so hard for me to pick 5 scenes that are my favorite to write, idk why, I’m just an odd person. But I did ask some of my mutuals what their favorite scenes were & they gave me their opinions! (Thanks guys)

1. The tree comfort scene in the first book of LIAB. I remember that particular section of the story was really dark and tense & then POOF we had tree cuddles. It was the first time the boys were cuddly together before things were official between them. Idk it was a nice breath of fresh air before it all went to hell.

2. The first bathtub scene in RIA with Sokka confronting his scars and Zuko being there for him and washing him while trying to give helpful advice he remembered from uncle. That was fun & I know a lot of people enjoyed that.

3. I’d have to say I enjoyed writing Aang & Sokka first meditation scene in ITF because I love meditation & exploring the depth of the human mind. I also loved giving Aang’s character more depth than just a goofy kid. He is wise and experienced so it was nice to give him an area that he was skilled in that allowed him to slow down and help his friend.

4. I gotta say in RIA I liked writing Sokka destroying that RR with a stick. Not just the murder but the conversation leading up to it and the implications the man made and Sokka twisting that around to justify his actions. (Also the man took pity and took of his helmet to seem more human to the boy he was trying to bond with which was his ultimate demise.) & it was cool that on the other side of camp Zuko was also taking control of his situation and killed the archer RR.

5. Last but not least would be Sokka’s fever dream, I enjoyed writing it even though it made me incredibly insecure to post haha. I pack in a lot of strange weird symbolism & hidden meaning & foreshadowing that I just know doesn’t make any sense but does it have to? It’s a fever dream! Idk it was nice & Yue was there so that was awesome.

Soooooo that’s it I guess!! (I do have a few scenes coming up with Zuko & an adult that I’ve already written & I’m really excited about because oh thank god it’s a fucking adult talking to Zuko & he isn’t growling and he is actually SHARING?? whaaatttt??? ;)

Oh & I’m really excited about TWO adults who have some scenes together that make me giggle just thinking about them interacting but that’s future stuff)

Ok that’s it!! Yippieee

#thanks for the ask blueeyedarcher! #I also feel a small shout out should go for the fight scenes I’ve written #people say they were very easy to read lol #my secret is finding an anime fight scene that matches the vibe I want the fight to have #& then writing kind of what I see with small adjustments #it’s tedious #& time consuming #but it makes the words make more sense #like come on guys bato using zukos down hand to smack him in the face was priceless #own hand* #I ENJOY writing but I’m just insecure #I think posting online has made me more insecure #because it allows people to give their thoughts #& sometimes those thoughts hurt my feeling #& make me not wanna show my work online anymore #so I’m thankful you sent me this ask BEA #because it made me suck it up and be proud of a few things :) #you’re awesome I’m glad you enjoyed my reverse ask of the same question haha #thanks discord people who helped me pick #y’all are the real MVPs #blueeyedarcher #liab #ria #itf #ask

[illir]

oh right i talk abt this sometimes on twitter but never here so

if you want to repost my art, please ask me first. i will most likely say yes, but PLEASE ask! not only for my art but anyone's art, really. it doesn't matter if you're going to give credits or not. some artists don't want their art reposted at all, not even with credits. make sure to ASK FIRST.

same way if you're going to use someone else's art for personal use (icon, header, etc). DON'T DO IT UNLESS: 1) the artist has stated that it's okay to use their art for personal use (check their twitter bio, about page, carrd, etc), or 2) you personally ask them and they say it's fine. if they don't answer, it means NO.

don't treat someone's art as a free drawing you can use however you want!! is all.

#the thing with reposts is a general problem within the art community itself but #in yuumori fandom we've had 'fights' with several reposts account especially on instagram LMFAOOO #it was tiring every time... since they were all being defensive instead of just deleting their posts #there was even one time where a japanese yuumori fanartist made a callout post and asked everyone to report this one acc on ig #and they only deleted the tweets once the reposter took down all their posts #it was... an experience 💀 i didn't expect them to do that lol #fortunately our fandom isn't that big in terms of number of ppl who are constantly active #plus the intl and jpn fans generally get along pretty well too i'd say #so these things are resolved quickly bc words tend to spread fast #it's just sad that this keeps happening #i feel like the only people who get defensive about reposts are people who don't draw #like i hurt my back and arm while drawing this shit's not easy #it can be super draining #people who say “artists are so whiny” piss me the fuck off because it's not like we're whiny for no reason #oh my god that was long jhfjdsk #anyways

[ratgingi]

woe characters inspired by some of my cats be upon ye. info on them in my tags lol

#dialtown oc #jack dlc #twerpys head is a sledgehammer bc the cat theyre based on was born in a wall lmao #he works at the petstore with outis bc i got said cat frm the local petstore #lilys head is a fluffy couch pillow thing and she works at an animal shelter bc thats where i got the cat shes based on #twerpy is genderfluid bc we make jokes that my cat twerpy is genderfluid a lot #also i feel like shed be aroace if she were a person. its just the vibes yk #lily isnt labeled as anything shes just vibin #the 2 are part of a big sorta found family type shit that consists of chars based on my other 3 cats i just didnt feel like drawin more rn #twerpy is really mean and stuck up but is secretly super sweet it just takes them a long time to warm up enough to someone n show it #shes also secretly incredible at like. comforting people and helping them out. but again only shows it for people hes warmed up enough to #lily is super confident and full of herself and spoiled. she thinks shes super fuckin smart but she is very much Not /lh #she loves attention though and gets her feelings hurt super easy #also shes Huge on physical affection. she loves giving people hugs and holding hands and shit #like. shell be like oh im so fuckin hot and cool literally no ones on my level and of ur like eh idk that fit isnt really that good on u #she will start Crying. and get mad that youre being mean to her for no reason while sobbing #and probably will hug onto you while doing it #twerpy also gives really good hugs but they Hate being touched. so if it willingly touches you then youre incredibly lucky special #also lily loves sitting in peoples laps #if youre friends with her she is far more likely to sit on your lap instead of any chair in the room nd thats just smth youll have 2 deal w #dlc wiki

[boomerang109]

i came home, panicked about one thing, and my toilet was leaking. bathroom floor is covered in water and brown particles. oddly, this has not improved my mood

#i just want to be a child again. i understand being a child was also miserable I am not glorifying my childhood #i was in pain and sad and lonely #BUT I WAS SAFE AND CARED FOR AND I NEVER QUESTIONED THAT no matter how much pain I was in #what I wouldn’t give for everything to hurt because I was so overstimulated by school and being bullied #being a kid had such clear cause and effect. being an adult is just…I am guilty and I want to cry everytime I think about the fact that I’m #here. i miss something that never existed and I’m the only one who is trying to remember a person who never existed but is important to me #(cause it’s me—I’m the only one who cares about preserving my childhood. my parents don’t give a damn. they were so busy surviving they #don’t remember it or care either) #why the fuck am I getting emails about a pizza party we didn’t ask for were an actual club now we don’t need your planned events fuck off #the way I was about to brag about our club name by just name dropping my school which would then make it so easy to find me holy shit my #internet safety is getting lax 🙈 #boom’s bad days #omg I just got reccommended ‘boom blogs high’ what if I got high I would feel so much better #i keep just coping sober cause like. not relying on substances. but I don’t actually have skills rn to improve my issues so like. substances #are more helpful tbh 🙈

[ikosburneraccount]

an update

Actually I am still upset a majority of the people in the fandom just ignored my pinned post. Like me posting again isn't me suddenly forgetting or anything, I'm just genuinely trying to carve out a space for myself again in this fandom again but I'm genuinely struggling to do that knowing that a majority (overwhelming amount actually) of people in this fandom continue to stan her and are okay with alienating me and other black and fans of color as a result. Which is ironic given the fact that this series is hailed as extremely diverse in its setting and characters and yet the fandom is still so racist and overwhelming white (or subscribed to white supremacy) that their go-to artist for their playlists for characters is a woman who dated a neo-nazi because "she's an amazing songwriter." I promise you Iko and Cinder would not be streaming (or even give a fuck about) Evermore.

A similar thing happened in the fandom in 2015 when Taylor Swift started feuding with Nicki Minaj because she mistook Nicki's critique on the music industry marginalizing Black female artists as an attack on her. Swifties (and lunartics) reblogged on my dash calling Nicki Minaj a g*r*lla and other antiblack slurs I'm not going to list and that caused me to distance myself from the fandom.

So seeing 7 years later this fandom, with brand new people, who are still Swifties, ignore and pretend Taylor never dated who she did, and then continue to openly stan and love characters who are of said race that were harmed by her, displayed extreme cognitive dissonance and made me lose my fucking mind respectively.

I just don't want anyone in the fandom to look at themselves and have the audacity to call themselves an ally to ANY minority if they GENUINELY continue to stan Taylor Swift at this point. You had an opportunity to openly support a black woman who was hurt by your actions in this fandom and not only did you ignore me, you kept stanning this woman who has, to this day, never addressed or taken accountability for who she dated.

And if you run to that blogger asking her opinion on this, I don't care. At the end of the day, other women of color who continued to ignore TS actions implicitly side with her racism and her racist fans and continue to harm and marginalize black women.

And if you see this post as me "complaining," fuck you.

Thank you to the 2 people of color who reached out to me and talked to me about this. It means so much more than I could put into words and thank you for holding space for me.

Ultimately, I've chosen to stay and continue being active because I refuse to let a fandom overlap ruin my experience while I'm here, and know I can still find and build community here that doesn't interact with TS.

Gaia

edited: 17/09/23 all edits are bolded

EDIT: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LMK IF YOU SEE A SWIFTIE BLOG INTERACT WITH MY POSTS. I HAVE ALL OF THEM BLOCKED BUT AFTER THE IS SITUATION I WON'T TAKE ANY CHANCES HAVING THEM ENGAGE WITH MY POSTS. JUST SEND ME AN ASK/MESSAGE WITH THE POST LINK LETTING ME KNOW. THANK YOU!!

#mine #also PLEASE reblog this I want as many people as possible to see this and seriously think about their actions #the lunar chronicles #YES IM TAGGING IT SO EVERYONE IN THE FANDOM CAN SEE IT. IF I AM TERRORIZED BY TS YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS TOO #thank you ellie you were probably my realest friend in this fandom #and realkaidertrash21 thank you for talking to me #very very very disappointed. but this is easy for people to ignore #since they don't have to take any accountability if they don't want to #but I promise you I am not the only person who feels hurt #I am just the most vocal #text #had to edit this because this is misleading

[pepprs]

i know i need to shut up abt it esp bc i don’t know for sure if i actually got exposed to covid but like. it’s just so fucking frustrating and terrifying. not just in the case of covid but with other things too like driving. you can take every precaution to keep yourself and the people around you safe but all it takes is one selfish careless asshole who can negate that in a heartbeat and ruin your life or maybe even end it in some circumstances. lol

#purrs #ask to tag #complete and utter despair about it all. i feel like such a freak for telling everyone to be safe and be careful all the time but this world #is so fucking scary and we are so fucking helpless. how can i not cast out this desperate fucking plea. this prayer. that harm will not #befall you even if it’s something as small as a drive to the store or a trip to a new place. i just live in fear of the people i love #getting hurt all the time and of myself getting hurt. and covid is fucking scary because we still don’t fuckng know how bad it is really or #what it can do to you in the long term and there’s no way to know if you have it until you find out you have it bc this fucking nightmare #country gutted all the covid infrastructure so it’s like. it’s just really bad. im so scared. ive been so proud of myself lately bc i feel l #like even though im still not doing great ive been less miserable and anxious like a couple months ago i was having breakdowns almost daily #and i feel like ive been getting better and this just has thrown me so bad. there are other things going on too ofc so i know im reacting #really strong but like. throwback to all the asks i just answered where anons were like idk how you even function witb the amount of anxiety #you carry with you all the time and i was reading that like but not anymore! and it turns out… no it’s still there. it just was summer and #i interacted with fewer people and went almost nowhere. and now the semester is starting again and everything is changing and it’s just. bad #also addendum to the first part of my tags: i wish i was brave enough to ask ppl to like. text me when they get to their destination safe or #whatever. i almost never think of it bc it just seems like such a forward boundary crossing thing to do + it was a bad habit from when my #separation anxiety was MUCH worse as a kid. but like… i want o do it and sometimes i need to but i repress it so hard. lawl #also to say i love you sometimes. some ppl it’s really easy and we do it all the time. others i can’t bc it crosses boundaries and it #physically hurts not to. lolll

[craycraybluejay]

If I wanted to, I could, and worse, you would let me

#and my delusions and aches need healing #and i need you #to love me enough for me not to want to force my love on you #and my rational mind wherever it is knows you do it knows it does #it knows #but. the irrational mind wants some kind of Proof #it wants to force to feed to get inside and look around #nothings ever enough for me i want inside #soft and warm like the womb #you know it #the sick me wants you to somehow prove everything ever #proof of love. proof that im not the only monster. proof of protection of care of empathy of trust of acceptance #its never enough but to be fair you and i both know who made me this way #of course there were many but there are catalysts and then there are nothing-people #prove it to me #i look at you and i feel like youre slipping away someone else has their guts on you someone else has convinced you they are worth your tim #but theyre pathetic and not poetic about it. weak and spineless. they USE YOU to make themselves look strong they USE YOU to talk shit at t #they are useless so they use you like me. and i know i cannot rush it cannot learn your lessons for you #i can't convince you of whats dangrous or cruel until you live it until it breaks your golden heart #but i wish i could protect you from all that somehow #and too i wish a million years would pass and you were as dark as me and as kind as you #its selfish but i hate to see you truly hurt i hate it. it makes me so violently angry. my brain turns off i cant help it #you hurt so Easy you're so very soft but every tiny cruelty that hurts you i want to completely erase off this earth #i dont care if its alive if its helpless if it doesnt know better i dont care if it didnt mean to all i want to do is prove to you show you #keep you safe and cared for #its irrational. i'd put away honour and hurt someone weaker than me if it made you happy if it made you feel safe #i wish i could eliminate the real threat but i cant im trying #you make me crazy and you make me feel normal and simple and human. i know everything about you-- i want to know more #my irrational brain doesn't even register accepted right and wrong only what it considers significant and important. my rational brain read #it like a million page rulebook. be normal be good don't hurt anyone don't get dead don't act before you think

[holyluvr]

Getting a good hit of indica that’s a little stronger than vapes I had last time after I ran out of my indica is Hallelujah Praise The LORD and that kid with ADHD

#… #I need indica or antipsychotics both to function. an upper and a downer of some sorts. stimulate then depress. over and over again. daily. #TBH one of the dreams/goals that I still haven’t let myself let go of despite knowing the stats and likelihoods of the outcomes…. #well anyway one of those dreams is to somehow fix this. to meet a doctor who has a treatment plan or life change idea that works on the drug #dependency / the ‘maybe’ acquired brain injury issues. #the ‘is this idiopathic narcolepsy or is this ABI from drs or would you consider this probable narcolepsy from ABI from drs or?’ issues. #the ‘it’s harder to put together a clear understanding of your health overall’ comments followed by silence bc they don’t need to say it lol #it’s hard because no one has known what my health ‘should’ be like. know one has any labs without me on psychotropic medication combos. #they have partial proof from brain scans for the conclusion that my brain was just .fried to deal with me/make me easy and good. didn’t work #and they don’t even need proof to know that medication combos in their own profession shouldn’t be used together or are only used together #in extreme cases with no options left that they immediately fucking jumped into and were lucky I didn’t DIE so many times but fuck yeah #now my brain hurts and I’m not how I was beforehand but don’t rlly know why or how to express it #and I feel alone there and then I have bitch ass doctors telling me to Just Stop The Meds For A Fee Weeks :-)! …..Dr u have no idea huh do u #a few weeks? give me 3 days before I’m having a psychotic episode that’s severe enough to warrant police arrest or 911 called for me. #that’s thousands of dollars in a legal psychiatric hold. and that’s if someone catches the signs on time before I potentially harm myself or #like yeah no I’m sorry doc but i can’t just Simply Stop or Substitute anti-anxiety drugs when I’ve had them holding me together b4 puberty. #anyway I’m still. hoping I’ll find some info somewhere or stories and people like me who figured something out or anything idk #because my medical testing is interfered by medications that I cannot stop taking (mainly benzodiazepines) without losing my mind now. bad.

[carcarrot]

im just going to go off in the tags for my review but last nights concert was crazy, entertaining, and crazily entertaining. while they did not play the rhythm thief clearly my rhythm, if i ever had any, was stolen and ron and russell were easily able to see my lack of clapping and dancing skills. when will those 70+ year old men stop beating me at everything

#you would think clapping on the beat is easy. not when youre on a level of excitement you havent been since you were a kid #in all seriousness my sarcastic tone is covering the fact that i really did enjoy it all so much. now on to the analysis #we'll get right to the heart of the matter: russell was sweating three songs in and well. there are many benefits to being in the front row #im really really sorry. but. good god i may have been looking at his neck a lot of the time #also it may have been during the first song but i feel like it was during another one where he jumped (beaver o'lindy?) #and my eyebrow raise and look of 👁️👄👁️ when his shirt rode up was very palpable. i was very close . #i think russ looked at me a couple times near the start but it was more of a dfjfljkda dont look at me im staring at u like 😍 moment for me #im just so self conscious it hurts! but i was smiling my head off the entire time while also not knowing how to stand #the front row was standing the entire time it was wild #also i think the moment i predicted did happen of ron giving me a look like 🤨 for knowing all the lyrics to one of their more obscure songs #but i could be wrong. #russell was bouncing off the walls as usual but good god to see it in person. and he sounded incredible!!!! #i also could not resist bouncing a few times. its contagious. plus you gotta do it during music that you can dance to #good gosh what a fun time. #at the end of the concert someone was like 'i could see you looking with such love' like yes very true. good to know it was obvious #can i just say again russell was sooo. its a different thing altogether seeing him like 6 feet away in the Real World #did i mention how sweaty he was. ok review almost over #still no eaten by the monster of love but hard to complain with such a great show #spars #sparks tour 2023 spoilers

[neo-shitty]

the dead man didn’t have to look that hot 😫

#lmao i forgot i had this in my drafts #this is about anime ok… ik how weird it seems but bear with me #YUKI YOU WILL BE MISSED #THE PIERCINGS THE UNDERCUT #all this time i thought he had black hair i was mistaken??? he looks like some guy from haikyuu actually #just cant pinpoint who #i was talking abt given btw #its like my first BL anime lmao and i think that’s mild compared to others 💀💀 but like #i’ve only watched 🤨🏳️‍🌈❓ animes (*coughs* bsd-ish/banana fish) so seeing them admit outright theyre gay just :9 i never thought they actuall #do that HAHAH i thought it was all tension builds and yk assume what you want… i stand corrected and i found this might be the beginning #of my descent into BL madness… i get the hype now for fucks sake #THEY WERE SO ADORABLE!!! #given was such a fair mix of everything—easy to watch and all #when mafuyu sang i nearly cried 🙂 the pain he must’ve been keeping in after what happened i hope he knows it wasn’t his fault #i wish we explored more on his past but i think that would’ve made the series hurt more #on a lighter note—the other band members and the one-sided thing going on was just a funny side plot #uenoyama’s coolness dwindling when he realized he was catching feelings and his inability to handle them HAHA #THE LAST THREE EPISODES WERE JUST GOLD TO ME they were like full on angst and then downright hilarious #i loved it #5/5 #i might eventually bump it down to 4s or 3s when i begin to move on from it but it was good to say the least #and not a waste of time hehe #toff.txt