#nothing else has its energy

[sunsetzer]

#there are so many parallels between terra and clive #im so sad they wont get to meet #and confused #i am distraught #and disappointed #the in game notice just said they cant bring us the experience we expect anymore and im??? #wdym you cant square did you lay off the devs or smth #i have over 300 hours in dffoo :') #it's what got me into ff as a whole :'') #theyd better fill the void with another dissidia entry at some point is2g #nothing else has its energy #i think id feel better if i actually knew why and it wasnt just... a vague statement #this hurts on a personal level i did not think possible #must be how the club penguin players went when the game shut down #my post #dffoo #dissidia #final fantasy #dissidia final fantasy

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#aye. in another life i would have loved to be an illustrator #i dont like to do digital tho and i dont wanna b a starving artist and i like science too much #but it would make me so hsppy if i was allowed to draw all day everyday #forever and ever drawing #but nooo i wanted to get a phd in microbial evolution. and im procrastinating working on my preproposal #literally doing anything to not work on it. i coulf have been a illustrator. an endocrinologist. a neurobiologist. a paleontologist. but i #chose microbial ecologist then thought no fuck ecology and went for photosynthetic mechanisms #bc i do love my lil cyanos and i do love Microbiology. i love those underapprecated lil guys #the world is so big and beautiful and all i wanna do is understand. but my stupid brain doesnt work right and ive burried my wonder for so #long i wonder if ill ever have it back. i was reading a bunch of lil notes i wrote this semester and i go from #everything is so beautiful i cant stand it. there are angels in the sunbeams and they feel like healing. to im the world around me is #warping beyond my control. i cant feel any joy. my head is sending me terrible ideas but im not even scared. it feels inevitable #but last week i was so full of energy i couldnt sleep. nothing changed but the chemicals in my head #hopefully next semester will b better and i can stop feeling like damaged goods and feel bad fro my advisor #for having to deal with me. hes v nice and has a bip0lar brother so he's sympathetic but i wish he didn't have to b #i want to stop fantasizing about being something else and just focus on being better at what i am #but im such a pathological perfectionist that its so difficult to make any progress. but whatever ive been feeling alright for the #past week or so. hopefully that carries through. and maybe somedsy i can illustrate something for my precious baby cyanobacteria #unrelated

[see-arcane]

Mina's incredible (and underrated) detective prowess would be very useful I bet. Put her on the helm Integra, Van Helsing praised her brains as being above everyone's including himself for a reason.

I honestly can't guess what the chemistry between Integra and Mina would be. Integra doesn't really click with me as a classically heroic character, for all that she does focus on saving humanity from the undead via Alucard and her forces, being the Boss Lady etc etc. She's miles away from being as insidious as an Amanda Waller, but...

The hotel. The fucking hotel will never leave me.

Yes, the order went directly against 'soldiers of the enemy,' but those soldiers had been lied to about who and what they were charging into. Which was obvious even without being a fly on the wall to know their higher-ups had fed them some BS to march them into death and win their own power grab from Millennium. She didn't tell Alucard to 'make it quick' or even just to 'neutralize.' She told him to search and destroy. Folding to Alucard's egging and negging to seem like a Worthy War Commander in the grand scheme~ of the plot

She's not heartless, exactly, but she is arctic and surprisingly quick to breeze past the loss of lives that aren't under her direct care/command. While she might respect Mina's abilities and investigative skills--I wouldn't be surprised if Mina could intuit Millennium's endgame well before the climax could happen--Integra inherited none of her ancestor's warm regard, supposing Abraham van Hel(l)sing had any of the original's tenderness in him (50/50 considering this takes place in aggro horror territory). We can't even say if this universe's Mina played any big role in cornering Dracula; she might just have been a targeted damsel.

All that said, I think Integra would see Mina as another time-displaced bleeding heart with a few useful skills, same as Jonathan. Someone to be an ally at best, a liability at worst. So I don't see her handing over any reins or offering to be co-girlbosses any time soon :c

#Integra is a good character #but not my favorite #Hirano let her look cool a lot and stand imposingly and smoke cigars #she got to shoot a few bad guys including the Major himself! #but the lion's share of development and interesting actions were all Alucard's and occasionally Seras' #I think the story kind of fumbled a lot of her potential to be more than Boss Lady who has cooler/more powerful people do stuff AROUND her #rather than let her really do anything herself without somebody else being the driving muscle/energy #Mina by contrast is ACTIVE #even working within the constraints of being a young woman in the Victorian era #she is hauling ass and making connections and paving the road to victory against Dracula himself #all while having a massively open heart that takes in so many people #like the rest of the original Drac Attack Pack it isn't just the loss of Lucy that drives them #she and Jonathan and Van Helsing and the Suitors all lock down on Thwarting Dracula #because if they just sit back and do nothing then He Wins and Humanity Loses--they became the OG Vampire Hunter Gang out of necessity #and goodwill #whereas Integra kind of just inherits Hellsing and its mission with the same vibe as someone inheriting Dad's job #maybe if we'd gotten scenes where it shows how she's handling the toll of running things; the sacrifices made in blood and its effects #I'd see more chemistry in potentia between her and someone as dynamic as Mina #but as it stands #I think Mina would just be another new accessory #anyway #integra hellsing #mina harker #dracula #hellsing

[starbuck]

every time i read more of this book it’s just me going “oh no, this is going so bad for them. this is SO bad.” but i also don’t want it to end and i want all of my lovers to be okay :((

#it’s not possible but consider this: i love them #i want the gentlest endings possible for them #and - if nothing else - i DO trust that they will get that at least #bc this book has some of the most EXTREME respect for its characters that i have ever seen #i now completely understand why [redacted] was obsessed with this book #EXACT same energy #so it will not end well - but it WILL end softly - i think #whatever happens - life will go on #because it has to #and everyone will do the best they can #though they are very small and know so little and the world is cruel #(i say this as though i don’t still want to redistribute his property… but i contain multitudes)

[elegyofthemoon]

tbh i think i just need to get into a media thatll shake me to my core the way me revisiting p//andora hearts at a crucial time shook me

#nothing will top how ph means a lot to me seriously adklfakdah #i can talk forever about why oz means a lot to me but why would i do that actually thatd be terrible adslkjfahl #if you need a character thats very very essential to me its oz honestly alsjkdfalkjs #i feel like thats REALLY ALL YOU NEED everyone else is just little snippets #but anyways! #some evil part of my brain is like 'hon//kai can be that for you and im fighting for my life' #'its not allowed to.' #i mean i was already feeling it with ch 9 ex bro i had to go lay down watching kiana in that chapter holy fuck man asdlkfjahl #but yeah idk i feel like....if i was able to dedicate more time to finishing up pt 1 i think honkai COULD have that potential. i sense it #it gives me the same levels of interest as like p//andora hearts and n//ier so 👀 #but yeah anyways. i just need something to shake my life from its pedestal #thats another thing i kinda miss #i think its just that bc of how much all this has drained me #its been harder to really enjoy things that i ACTUALLY enjoy doing #the only thing i got going for me are my dumb comics bc thats low energy + i dont care if it looks super bad theyre funny to me #i guess i just miss being super passionate about interests #augh #snow speaks #i am feeling a lot better now but ig thats only if i just focus on doing things i like

[pansyfemme]

oh shit i have a button machine why am i not making buttons rn

#answer is i don't have a working printer and even tho my grandma who lives with us has one. its really slow like. ten minutes per page slow #and it is a known fact in my household that you do not want to be over there for more than five minutes bc will suck all the energy out of #you. i bring up sometimes my grandma lives with us and ppl r like 'oh the one who's super nice and supportive. right? not the one who has #said things about your transition that hurt to even repeat?".. well. #she has nowhere else to go tho. so we put up with her #we have a pre-y2k very slow black and white printer from that works 50% of the time but its better than nothing

[angelnightrose]

All relationships (yes, even your friendships) are built on a system of give and take. You give, they take, they give, you take. You should be getting back the energy you are putting in and vice versa. If you feel like you're in a point where all you've been doing is giving and not getting anything back, it's time to rethink where you put your energy.

#kind of a vent thing #i'm just frustrated with things #okay nvm this turned into venting #vent in tags #but also like remember your energy is precious #if you're constantly giving your energy to someone they should probably return the favor at some point #it's one thing if they're going through shit and dont have energy to give back because that's understandable #but when it's been going on for years and you watch them give energy to everyone else #and they have the nerve to preach about spreading good energy and can't be bothered to do it themselves even to so called “friends” #that's when i get pissed off #so yeah fuck off #i'm done spending my energy on you and being treated like a child in response #the only reason i'm even still in your server is to talk to other people lol #like i do not care about your opinions anymore because you clearly don't see my shit as its own thing that i put so much heart into #you only see it as something to boost your stupid ego when it has nothing to do with you and i'm tired of it

[amatres]

instead of the conquest, a show on the blackfyre rebellions, or even maegor would be more interesting. or even focused more on rhaena the lesbian and the black brides. idk, conquest itself just sounds bland. it's a founding myth in my mind, actually watching it play out doesn't really interest me much

#ama mumbles #asoiaf #simple conquest stories tend to not interest me much. i care more about court intrigue not war #to me the original aegon rhaenys and visenya feel more like folk characters #obviously in a maegor show visenya would be there but she has evil witch energy to her so she can slide. aegon and rhaenys however #in the fridge of mythology for you #similar to i dont think framing a show around aegon the fourth would be that interesting but the fallout of it #with the blackfyre rebellion afterwards would be fun. plus shiera would be given a personality! (maybe) #im not too set on maegor but i find it would be an interesting horror season if nothing else #roberts rebellion i suppose could be interesting. it's a more linear story but seeing everything go down would be fun #its a story we already know how it ends after the 'ever after' ending of a new king buts its a war story id find a little more interesting #im guessing the nymeria show fell though since i dont see anything on that? sad but its in a similar vein of a founding myth #so im not too let down even if it would be fun not to have to see the fights over targaryen shit for once

[niishi]

I'm at the advanced stage of burn out where it's just full on trauma and I truly don't think many ppl can understand what it's like. and what it does to your brain and your ability to live normally. it's unexplainable.

#i dont feel human #i have no energy #i have no desire to do anything or try very hard #im filled with anxiety constantly bc im terrified its going to be this way forever #my brain has a hard time thinking coherent thoughts #or knowing how to respond #i work off mainly scripts #i also have inhibited grief #from going through so many traumatic moments and not gaving time to properly grieve or mourn #so i suppressed all of that and now my emotions about most things are numb #i can only cry if im forced into an anxiety/panic attack #truly just been hating being alive for yrs now #I always felt every emotion 100x louder and harder than everyone else #it exhausted me... #it wore me down to nothing #i had to numb myself from them in order to survive them

[artheresy]

Okay a bit of a personal rant, but it is so immensely frustrating to have so many clear medical issues whether they overlap from the same cause or not and be unable to understand WHY they’re happening and how to stop them while also having no one at all taking you seriously

Like I don’t think it’s normal for me to periodically like every two weeks or so have migraines so horrific radiating pain from the center of my forehead and the nape of my neck so badly that I can’t sleep and feel like moving will cause me to vomit from how painful it is, making me so nauseous it feels hard to breathe too

I am 18, I shouldn’t be having joints that stiffen when I stop moving for 5 minutes and that click when I move, nor should my knees just y’know super easily slip out of place when I’m just trying to walk normally and not fix themselves for a while, forcing me to feel that main and discomfort as I walk. For gods sake, I have gone to the ER for Sciatica, and after consulting an orthopedic doctor, I learned the reason they gave me in the ER for why it was so bad I couldn’t walk was BS so now I have no idea what the cause is

And that’s not mentioning the weirdness in my legs and left arm where sometimes, they’ll ache so badly so painful while radiating heat and making it feel as if my skin is too small and it’s horrible and it’s throbbing pain and it comes and goes with no reason because it’s never sparked by injuries either, it just happens and I’m stuck with dealing with it

And my fucking gut health, like I don’t eat the best and my mom too has a “sensitive stomach” but when I eat things that are fine, my body still has these horrible reactions sometimes and all it does is leave me with no energy, just laying in bed all day feel horrific and in turn, making my leg issues worse?? Because I can’t stand up for more than an hour, I can barely sit down for an hour, and I can barely lay down for long without my legs getting all messed up and I’ve done physical therapy but schedule conflicts and money have put a stop to that

I’m just so tired, I’m so tired p, I want the pain to stop

All they’ve told me about my leg issues is that “Ha you have hyper mobility” and I definitely do, but I dunno I don’t think all my leg issues are solely “a minor case of hyper mobility” especially when my physical therapist in the past was able to move around my vertebrae with her hands very easily when she tested it

Aorry if this is incoherent and sorry for rambling about personal pain stuff, I’m just a bit out of it from how painful this migraine is, my eyes hurt and I can’t sleep this sucks

#i have no energy #im always in pain somehow or in some way #nothing changes #things barely get better #no one takes my pain seriously #my mom thinks i just want to act like a patient sometimes #i just want a solution #i just want the pain to go away and to feel healthy and normal for once #i want to figure out what i have #but i have no idea where to start other than hyper mobility #i dont know how else to check my symptoms whether theyre all related or different #all this pain doesnt help with all the me tal health issues i have too #anxiety disorder depression recurring autism adhd #its like i have barely any energy to begin with and i can barely direct it #and then boom bam wap the little energy i had is gone bc mom used too much oil for the chicken #any medical advice #i know it wont be professional #but like personal experiences would help if anyone has them #im so tired #chronic pain #medical advice

[ablednt]

NPD BPD combo will make you feel like a starving wild circus animal every time you remember other people exist

#ok to rb #vent tw #it's like. we have a member who has NPD proper as cohost now #so our BPD and NPD symptoms have been combined into one worse thing #and it's baby's first Real Narc Crash and Ive been having RSD inflicted panic attacks every day #and I'm getting really fucking exhausted so the point where Im thinking stuff like 'I wish I could kms rn but that'd be too shitty and I #know this shit has to get better eventually because it has before so Im just #trying to relax #and in this case it's not like I have imo a compelling reason like my friends are all paying a proportionate amount of attention to me #to the energy for friends they have to give like I'm not being NEGLECTED #but I am so attention starved it's actually insane #and if it were just that itd be fine but I'm pmsing and Ive been losing sleep #from a mix of medical issues and exotraumatic nightmares #so I'm just. I'm absolutely Fucking Miserable #and its nobodies fault so instead of getting pissed off at someone Im just pissed off at everyone and no one at the same time #I just want to feel special again but its like. even if I DID feel comfortable asking for more attention #1. It wouldn't feel genuine and nothing my friends could easily do would stop it from not feeling genuine #2. I've been cluster B long enough to know that this stuff has to sort itself out naturally #asking for vallidation can be good at the right times but when I'm wanting to rely on it most thats when I need to find something else #but genuinely IDFK anymore man like I'm too tired to do shit I feel like all of my energy this month has been #STOPPING myself from doing stuff so when I try and think about what I actually Want To Do I feel so obstructed and exhausted I feel like #there's nothing fulfilling rn bc my stupid ass brain is like why find joy in anything if everyone hates you and you don't matter #(<- literally no one in my life has even implied this but. that's just how mental illness goes sometimes) #I just need to hang on until this narc crash is over and my friend groups aren't in the middle of like #2 million different things we're all struggling with stopping us from hanging out very much #I do think this happens every winter though #Ironically I love the winter weather and the rain and cold and gray (idk if I have SAD but if I do it's for the summer) #but I never enjoy the season like I want to because it's the most busy time of year so everyone is stressed out and doesn't have much time #to vibe like I want to so I end up just feeling pretty miserable until the slow time of year when people can relax more #It's usually like

[creativebrainrot]

i made a cohost.org account recently, dunno if any of yall have that but i MIGHT. use it for not sfw art here and there. and other general not sfw thoughts. kinda just like a second main to this blog.

you can find my page by searching naughtyboykal

i do have a pillowfort account, same username over there. creativebrainrot, and a toyhouse under the same username. No promises I'll use either because i dont like pillowfort tbh, and toyhouse will probably just be an oc gallery or smthin idk

in short-

> Cohost - naughtyboykal (not sfw shit) & creativebrainrot (semi sfw shit mostly sfw👍)

> Pillowfort - creativebrainrot

> toyhouse - creativebrainrot

#i didnt like pillowfort when i tried it #the first time around #idk why #didnt vibe with it. #but cohost has vibes i like #its newer than pillowfort i think #im likin its energy so far #the toyhouse will probably be where i dump all my oc screenies if nothing else #screenshot gallery organized by Beloved Moron (oc) #ANYWAY BESTIES MUTUALS BELOVEDS GIMME UR OTHER ACCNTS BLEASE !! #uwu 💕✨ #rotthoughts

[semercury]

.

#stuff sarah says #got a letter from my therapist today saying its going to be several months and if i need to seek other treatment to do so #i kinda... already accepted that like. thats it #but there are no other treatment options for me. you think im going to talk to just anybody? #this guy has been seeing me since i was 15. im not finding someone else #i guess whatever is wrong with me ill figure something out myself #i hate this. i hate so much rn #i wish i could go back to being like 8 years old and just. fix everything wrong with my life before it happened #im like im fine and then my blood pressure skyrockets and i get a headache #im shaking and twitching but like its fine im fine its whatever #nothing about me is bad enough to even worry about. i dont matter #i mean i dont matter for a lot of reasons #im a waste of space and energy and i have to deal with that fact every day #i want to throw up lmao

[marinehero-a]

hrmmrmg,,,, young garp

#{ ooc } ✗ 「 WENP reporter 」 #[ thinks ab him.... absolute bastard shaped.... a lil overpowered shit #[ thinks ab garp becoming a marine because 'haha lmao i beat you all up and now you're offering me a job? eh i got nothing better to do' #[ proceeds to fuck around and had to be saddled with sengoku n tsuru to balance out his chaotic energy #[ literally luffy shaped but marine real <3 also slightly more bastard #[ but genuinely learning to love his job because he's always loved to protect others #[ and damn does he do that well!!! literally why is this brat so strong he just yeeted a cannonball with his hands #[ bc he thought cannons were too slow #[ but just the gradual realization of the weight on his shoulders after he gets his coat #[ the realization of responsibility and just what his job means #[ after failing to save some people or being /ordered/ to not save some people #[ seeing what the rocks do seeing what the celestial dragons do #[ he never stops being bastard shaped but overtime he does become more responsible? so-so word but learns just what justice means #[ the good and bad #[ he understands his duty and what it comes to it follows it closely #[ just. the dying of freedom! after gaining the title of hero n all that he has way more freedom than anyone else in the marine #[ but its Still not enough he's reminded of it everytime he sees slavery and the celestial dragons and and and #[ not to mention how the title is just another responsibility though he doesnt give a shit ab it he Does recognize what it means #[ but he pretends and tries to believe it is because he has to protect people because its better than the alternatives #[ because hes been here for so long he doesnt know if he physically could be anything else even if so often he Wishes for /more/ #[ and just. i think ab this and then his rivalry with roger the Embodiment of freedom he's always been a bit envious of roger bc #[ of how /free/ he was but garp also knows how Selfish the man is so he's never truly been tempted but. he's thought about it #[ about being a pirate about leaving the marines its not often but its not a thought thats a stranger but just. #[ hes scared #[ just!!! #[ so many thoughts ab this man and how his duty conflicts with his moral and wants and how Despite being bastard shaped n how he is #[ he still follows his duty ultimately because he understands the weight behind it he's a true marine but at what cost #[ his heart thats what and just slams fist on floor i am So normal about garp havent been here in favor of other blogs but just #[ always thinking ab it all.... esp how garp n roger are So similar yet So and fundamentally different #[ bc garp will always choose duty

[pizzapizzadickz]

Hehe! I've had a really good birthday!!!

oh yeah. I need to update my profile!

#diary #personal #i had fun reading and relaxing. ive gotten a lot done lately and have been feeling well thanks to the help of coffee #...honestly i think thats my new miricle drug. #but yknow i feel super okay/good! idk. ive been having a lot of trouble lately but im just really happy today. #idk. i just love who i am i suppose? even with sensory issues pain and everything else going on i suppose. #idk. im excited to try and figure out what to do about it all tbh. havent felt like this for a while #im.still tired. and i really need help. but that coffee has been giving me enough energy to actual DO things #i havent been able to fold my laundry for months #barely able to even put in in the was tbh. #its been really rough. #really really rough. idk. i dont really share that part of things super often. being just exhausted and tired all the time #like. ive just had no energy to do anything. and if i force myself to it typically ends in a breakdown or something... #and if not im terrified ill push myself too far and cause one. haah. its very troublesome. #but. idk. its not something i really share bc i dont know how to explain or how others will.understand #unless its something youve experienced its not relatable. #its not really depression. its just. knowing your just one step away from being unable to do anything at all #and ive been teetering on that more and more lately. haah. this is why i was worried about working. #but. nothing wouldve changed even if i hadnt started. even on my best days ive always been one step away. #and to be honest its terrfying. im.scared in a way of living like this. #i love to learn. i have so much ambition. but it holds me back a lot. #to be honest ive been wondering if i need to get diagnosed with shit and go on disability #...but then i have days like this and its hard. because i know i cannot advocate for myself #haaah. how do you find all the resources for shit. translate your chinese to greek for everyone. and the energy to live? #you dont. thats why ive given up so so so many times before. but idk. i guess ive finally figured out that you can just pay someone #and idk. maybe im too hopeful in thinking that someone can organize my life for me until.i can? #this isnt even a joke. i wish it was. its terribly sad to be honest #i cant ask for help from my parents. and as much as i love my friend they have their own lives to live. #and honestly it really feels impossible to explain the depths of things like this to people sometimes. #thats sorta why i dont spend my money often unless i deem it nessisary. i dont know when i can earn more... haah. oh well.

[bisexual-joseph-joestar]

.

#i might get an energy drink today just cause i have to drive myself to get my covid test #and its at like 8 am… and i dont wanna like fall asleep or zone out when driving… #and then im staying at my grandma’s cause no one else is home with her … maybe i can take a nap tho #cause like usually nothing happens and its just like a precaution (and i dont want my uncle to come over instead) #he has covid but doesnt care so i am worried…