#now the real question WHEN are they touring in europe??? it's not funny anymore

[wrongspacetime]

The High School Cast at Tegan and Sara's concert in Los Angeles (11/15/22) Source

#tegan and sara #high school freevee #railey gilliland #seazynn gilliland #olivia rouyre #brianne tju #esther mcgregor #honestly how cuteeeee is this #it's giving me the chills #pretty sure clea cobie and kyle were there too #there's so much care and love in this team #you can just feel it and it makes the show even better imo #now the real question WHEN are they touring in europe??? it's not funny anymore

[stae-yong]

a dream in a bottle [j.jh]

genre: fluff, romance, fantasy word count: 11.4k

Year 2059.

Everyone has lost their minds finding solace in a world full of chaos. Dreams in a bottle are now being used like a drug in order to fulfill their wildest fantasies. Have you ever dreamt so good, you never wanted to wake up?

“You’re the dream I go to, every time I close my eyes.”

a/n: this is my first jaehyun fic, and the first fic i’ve written :> please understand if i’ve made any errors. i wanted to write this since i started stanning nct and i hope you guys enjoy!! oh and listen to this, it inspired me to write this story. hopefully it could set the mood as well.

“Happy birthday to me,” y/n said dully as she blew her candle. The smoke from her two and three candles went to her eyes which made her squint. For the past week, all she ever did was cry herself to sleep thinking how miserable she would spend her birthday this week ever since her boyfriend left her for ‘his future’ which she snorted at as she remembered how his arms were wrapped around her waist as he kissed this new girl and who just enrolled in his arts class.

She then started to arrange her gifts which mostly consisted of plain old birthday cards which her so called friends just gave to her at the last minute since her existence was forgotten due to the busy days of work. As she went through her gifts, she noticed another postcard from her parents that are probably touring around Europe. She scrunched her nose in disappointment, “What a good way to start my 23rd year of living on this planet,” she muttered. Y/N stood up pushing around all the teared pieces of gift wrap as she tried to navigate herself around the living room. As she moved, she accidentally kicked a box tas was buried under piles of garbage.

A white box with pink hearts decorated around it. On the side of a box, a sticky note was attached with a letter with handwriting that was too familiar.

Dear y/n

Happy Birthday! I’m sorry we can’t spend it together this year, you know how hard life is. But I do hope you enjoy the following days with my gift. I gave this to you to spice up your birthday. It’s definitely one of a kind, I hope you could forget your dickhead of a boyfriend with this. Call me once you try it ;)

Love,

Mei.

“If this is a box of lingerie or condoms, Mei can rot in hell,” Y/N grumbled. This definitely should be worth it. She peeled the sticky note, as a remembrance of the gift as she carefully opened the box. Inside were three small bottles of iridescent liquid that seemed like it had been mixed by a 10 year old playing with glitters and water. A small card was placed above the bottles with a note saying “The best dreams happen when you are wide awake,” with several instructions to only drink one bottle every night for good results. Y/N contemplated if she should drink from it now considering that its nearly 10pm. She spent her whole day moping around her room munching on junk food while thinking about how lonely and boring her life was. Maybe this potion is worth the try, and maybe, like what Mei said, it could spice up her life.

She took the bottle in her hands shaking it a bit as she watched the small pieces of glitter swirl around as if it was luring her to drink it. At first she tasted like vanilla, smooth and milky then suddenly it turned to taste like strawberry mixed with different other fruits. Soon after, Y/N fell on her bed as she drifted off.

————

Y/N felt as if she was thrown into a whirlpool as her head continued to spin. Bright light hit her face making her squint as she tried to slowly adjust to what she was seeing. Suddenly, people started to bump her as they made their way around the city. Y/N tried to make sense of where she was, it was a city that looked like it existed way back in the 1900s with the way people dressed. Women and men of all ages walked around the street as they clung unto their loved ones. Women were dressed in puffed blouses and below the knee skirts as they topped it with a trench coat to warm them from the cold. Men, on the other hand, were wearing top hand sand white button up with suspenders that were too old-fashioned for her liking as they paired it with trousers. As Y/N continued to make sense of what was happening, she passed by a shop where she saw her reflection, she was wearing the same thing everyone was wearing.

Great, how on Earth am I supposed to figure out what to do in this dream.

As she walked around, she noticed a long queue that led to a movie theater. Everyone seemed excited to watch this new ‘musical’ that only happens once every year and that is during the 23rd of Christmas, ‘The Impossible Dream’ was its title. She noticed that every poster posted on the streets had the same title written in cursive with a time, date, and location set. As she adjusted her coat that was wrapped around her, she noticed a ticket on her right pocket.  “The Impossible Dream, 6pm,” she muttered. “I drink a stupid bottle of dream and now I have to watch a boring musical,” she added as she pouted remembering to message Mei that she won’t be drinking anymore of her gift. Her eyes wandered from the people around her to the buildings, she knew no one in this dream and the faces she see are not even close to familiar. The place itself looks like a 90s movie setting with all the broadway and lampposts hanging around.

“Excuse me, this is the end of the line, right?” Y/N turned to look around at a man around her age with caramel brown hair and smiling as his dimples poked out. She stared at him longer as she admired his features, okay, this is definitely a dream because no one else in the real world would look as good as this fine man standing behind her. “U-um, yeah,” she cleared her throat as she gave tight smile embarrassed as she was caught staring.

“Come on, you gonna pretend like you don’t know me now?” He said as he pouted. Y/N looked at him confused, never in her life did she encounter him, maybe this is a preset of the dream but she decided to play dumb instead. “Hmmm, I don’t think I remember,” she said as she tried to think of a name that matches his face.

“It’s Jaehyun,” he said as he poked her cheek with his index finger as he shook his head disappointingly. “Are you my boyfriend?” Y/N blurted out as she felt her cheeks heat up at her sudden question. Jaehyun felt flustered as his ears turned red. “Um, well, I don’t know,” he said nervously chuckling. Y/N nodded as she turned to the front once again, boyfriend or not it doesn’t matter but for sure the handsome guy standing behind her played an important role in her dream. She tried to remember if she knew any Jaehyun in the real world but no one came close. Heck, no one even looks like him. Was she really that desperate on moving on, she literally dreamed of having a boyfriend way better than her ex? Okay, maybe.

The line started moving as people made their way towards the entrance of the theater. “I didn’t know you were interested in watching musicals,” Jaehyun said as he stood beside her as they both made their way in.

“Well, maybe you don’t know a lot about me then,” she shrugged as she gave him a teasing smile. “We’ve known each other for four years and you forget my name?” He teased back as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder to move her from the people that were constantly passing by to get to their seats. Y/N felt her heartbeat speed up at the intimacy feeling his chest pressed against her shoulder as she muttered apologies to those passing by.

“Watch where you’re going,” he muttered under his breath as he looked at her. Y/N blushed as she looked up to him. The lighting in the room giving his visuals more justice as it surrounded her head making him look like he has a built in halo.

As she made her way to her seat, Jaehyun followed closely behind as they both sat together. The play started as the lights dim but Y/N couldn’t care less about what was happening in the play as she felt bothered by Jaehyun’s presence. How did he have this effect on her when he doesn’t even exist? It was also their first time meeting. She slowly shifted on her seat to face Jaehyun in a discreet way as she tried to steal a glance at him. Jaehyun noticed her shifting taking it as a sign of uncomfortableness, placing a hand gently on the area above her knee squeezing it lightly and giving her a look of concern.

Y/N froze in her seat as she looked back at Jaehyun who was staring at her worriedly, eyebrows furrowed. She looked away quickly as she cleared her throat, nudging Jaehyun’s hand away by accident as she shifted to face forward. Jaehyun chuckled as he continued to watch the musical smiling to himself. “What’s so funny?” Y/N said as she crossed her arms trying to concentrate on the show but finding it difficult with Jaehyun seated right beside her. “You should take a picture, it would last longer,” he whispered in her ear as she felt his warm breath brush against her cheeks making it heat up. Thankfully, the lights were dim and Jaehyun wouldn’t be able to see how red her cheeks were from the constant display of affection he was showing to her. She wasn’t staring, she was just trying to capture his face on her mind so that when she wakes up from this dream she could finally move on from her ex.

“I still haven’t forgiven you for what you’ve done,” Jaehyun whispers again, Y/N looks at him in confusion to see him leaning slightly to her side with eyes still focused on the show. “What have I done?” She said raising a brow. She has only been inside her dream for 20min, she barely got to do anything except stare at the piece of art seated right beside her.

Jaehyun looked at her in disbelief as he flicked her forehead earning a smack on the shoulder. “You left me in the rain, I told you to call me but you didn’t,” he said as he looked at her again. Y/N frowned, not really knowing what to say. “Sorry, I was busy,” At this point, making up stories would only be the solution to questions as it was only a dream that she may forget when she wakes up. Jaehyun continues to stare at her with an unreadable expression. He nods anyway and she gives him a small smile.

“Are you really watching this?” Y/N asks bored out of her mind as the main lead in the musical continues to cry as she longs for her love one who she only meets inside her dream.

“No, I’m just here because I like sitting beside you,” Jaehyun replies shooting her a smile, his dimples making an appearance as they always seem present when she looks at him. She scrunched her nose in disapproval, definitely too good to be true. Prince Charming likes her in her dream, her love life must definitely be fucked up for her to be dreaming about these things.

“We can get out of here if you’re bored,” Jaehyun shrugs as he took her hand gently. He jutted his chin toward the exit raising a brow, “Okay fine, but I’m not spending any money,” she muttered making Jaehyun laugh as he pulled her from her seat. She didn’t even know how she would able to live in this dream.

As they walked around the streets, Y/N tried to ask more about herself so that she wouldn’t have to lie all the time she entered this dream. Never in her life did she experience a dream so realistic, lately, she had troubles sleeping and if she ever got to dream, it would be long forgotten the moment she woke up. A warm hand wrapped around her cold one pulling her out of her thoughts, her gaze shifted from the street to Jaehyun who was grinning at her.

“Do you remember how we met?” She asked as he swayed their hands playfully while walking. “Of course, it was definitely my favorite day,” he chuckled as he recalled how they first met. It was the first day of university and Jaehyun was late. It definitely wasn’t a good first impression to his professors considering how he got into the university because of a basketball scholarship, he used to be a star player back in high school which led him to many offers from big schools that wanted him as the ‘face’ of their team. Although, Jaehyun chose the one closest to his home as he didn’t want to stray farther away from his family, at the same time, his friends attended the same university as him. He tried to discreetly make his way inside the classroom as his professor continued to scribble on the board. Sitting down on the farthest seat as possible, he tried to catch up on the lesson they were having

“Excuse me, is this seat taken?” He heard a small voice say as he shifted his gaze. There she stood in front of him, wearing a yellow dress with her brown hair softly framing her small face accentuating her brown eyes that seem to hold the stars. Jaehyun gulped nervously as he shifted on his seat.

“No, you can sit here whenever you want,” he said a bit too excitedly as he continued to stare at her. The girl gave him a small smile as she sat slid on the seat beside him taking out her notebook and pen.

“I’m Y/N, by the way,” she whispered extending her arm which Jaehyun stared at a bit for too long, “Not that it matte-“ before she could put down her hand Jaehyun grabbed her hand firmly with a smile. “Jaehyun,” he said smiling which made her flustered. “Care to share why you’re late?” He whispered as he tried to start a conversation without getting caught by the professor. He didn’t even understand what was being taught anymore as all his attention was occupied by the girl seated beside him. “The traffic was too bad, why are you late?” She shrugged as she leaned closer to him with a teasing smile. Jaehyun snorted as he slightly bumped his shoulder with hers. They were close already despite the small amount of time they knew each other, “You’re watching me?” He teased as he raised an amused brow at her. Her nose scrunched as she bopped his nose with her pen. “No, I saw you make your way through the door earlier and decided to seat beside you,” she chirped making Jaehyun’s heart flutter. “If I knew better, I would say you stalk me,” he replied trying to brush off the tremble in his voice caused by the amount of flips his heart was making. “Just interested,” she beamed and diverted her attention back to the board. Jaehyun took a glance at her shaking his head at their exchange, silently taking note that he should definitely get her number after this class.

Y/N looked at Jaehyun with an unamused expression as he shrugged, “It’s true though! You tried to hit on me on the first day,” he said earning a punch on the shoulder. “I don’t think that’s how it went though!” She retorted blushing as she didn’t even know if Jaehyun made everything up. It was her first time meeting him, yet in this dream it seems that she’s been in it for years already. She did, however, like how straight forward she was based on Jaehyun’s story, maybe she did like herself better in this dream.

“You asked for my number, so basically, you hit on me,” she stucked her tongue out as she harshly tugged Jaehyun in what she feels like the direction of her house is. Jaehyun pulled her back as they stopped under a lamp post with the light illuminating his face in all the right angles. He leaned close until they were eye-contact level as Y/N tried to keep a blank expression even if her heart was basically going to burst from how close Jaehyun’s face was from hers as she tried to remember all the small details of his face. “You said you were interested first, so I guess I win this argument,” he said smiling at her. Y/N brushed it off as he pushed his face away with her index finger. Jaehyun then wrapped his arms around her waist as he pulled her closer making her grab his forearms for support at the sudden action. “What are you doing?” She said nervously as he started to sway from side to side as he looked at her making her blush at the sudden attention he was giving her. There was no way he couldn’t see how red she was right now. “Dancing, we used to do this all the time,” he said as he continued to sway to some tune he was humming. “I don’t know how to dance,” she muttered as she looked down trying her hardest not to step on his feet. “It’s fine, I can lead,” he said confidently as he continued to stare down at her making her stare at his chest as she couldn’t meet his eyes.

“Hey Y/N,” he mentions when he noticed how quiet she has gone. “Hmmm?” She replies looking up to him as she stared at the area between his brows, his eyes too much for her to take, afraid that if she looks at him she might as well just kiss him there. “I really like dancing here with you but do you mind?” He says as he looked down. Y/N followed his gaze and saw her shoe lace untied itself probably because she kept stepping on them as they danced.

“Oh, let me-“ as she tried to bend down to tie it, Jaehyun pulled her up lightly by the arm as he kneeled before her making her flustered she looked around for people as he basically looked like he was proposing to her. “I can’t have you fall for anyone else,” he grinned as he tried to stifle a laugh. Y/N huffed as she nudged him strong enough for him to fall backwards catching himself with his arms as he tried to stand up.

She walked quickly as she tried to go to what seemed like her house, with Jaehyun following closely behind her as he jogged trying to keep up with her speed. “You’re welcome,” he winked making her flustered once again as she crossed her arms. “I’m home now, aren’t you going?” She said though she really didn’t want him to go yet. She didn’t even know if that was her house but it seemed like it, somehow it just felt right to be there at that moment. Jaehyun chuckled as he took a step back putting his hands in his pockets.

“I hope you had fun today,” he smiled as he ruffled her hair. Y/N nodded as she entered her ‘house’. “Stay safe, Jaehyun,” she said softly as she took one last look at him. Before she could close the door, she felt Jaehyun stop it.

“Wait, before you go,” he held the door with one hand and the other finding the back of her head as his lips lightly touched her forehead. Y/N felt her heartbeat speed up as she closed her eyes at the feeling of his soft lips on her forehead.

“Meet me in your dreams,” he said as he smiled at her before finally closing the door.

——

Y/N jolted awake as she heaved heavy breaths. She felt as if she ran a marathon with how fast her heart was beating. She was back in her bedroom as she looked around. Nothing seemed to change, except the small box that was on top of her bedside table with now only two bottles of dreams. She sighed as she checked the time, she was out for about twelve hours already, although, in her dream only a small amount of time has passed. As she made her way out her apartment, she received a call from Mei.

“So how was it?” Mei asked enthusiastically as y/n could feel her interest on the other end of the line. Sighing she continued to walk down the streets in boredom, wasting time on finding something that would catch her eye.

“I didn’t know a dream could be realistic,” she muttered back. “And there’s this guy,” she added as she thought of this is really a great time to mention a character from her dream, especially to Mei, she woulld probably think she’s gone crazy. “What guy? Are you seeing someone?” The other responded, desperate to know if her friend has finally moved on. “What? No, I mean yes,” Y/N defended.

“It’s not about my ex, actually, there was someone in my dream.” She said. “I don’t really know if I met him before, but his features are very new to me. And you know what they say, that our minds can’t make up images, and everyone in our dream is someone we have met or saw before,” she added. There was no way she saw Jaehyun, if she did then she would probably remember him judging by how good looking he was. “Really? Well, you probably saw him in streets before,” Mei reasoned as y/n could only nod in response even if Mei couldn’t see her. “Anyway, you should really make that worth it. I heard the manufacturer of the shop closed down,” she mentioned as you made your way into a small coffee shop you saw across the street which seemed quite popular judging by the amount of female customers in there.

“Well, I only have two bottles left. I’ll call you when I finish it. Thanks for the gift by the way,” y/n replied as she ended the call

The cafe she entered was small, yet had a homely feeling to it. There was an amount of middle schoolers who look like they just finished school lining up as they perked their heads towards the counter. Y/N squinted as she saw the cute cashier and barista taking their orders. The cashier with white hair that for some reason seemed to match his big intimidating eyes and sharp nose and jawline. He wasn’t as big as the barista, but his body complimented his features as he smiled towards the group of girls who tried to catch his attention. The barista, on the other hand, was tall and had broad shoulders. His hair was dyed black, but he seemed really friendly despite his strong aura.

When it was her turn to order, she now understood why a lot of women in this city practically visited this shop everyday. From afar, she noticed how good-looking the staff were in the cafe, but now looking at them up close made her throat dry.

“I would like one iced latte,” she said shyly as the cashier smiled at her. She squinted her eyes at his name tag, Taeyong. Cute. “Are you new here?” Taeyong said as he pressed numbers on his screen for her order.

“Umm, I live around here. But it’s my first time in this cafe,” she mentioned as she looked around trying to distract herself from meeting his eyes.

“Cool, may I have your name?” He chirped as he smiled again towards her raising his brow. Y/N furrowed her brows as she stared back at him, “A-are you trying to ask me out?” She stuttered bewildered at the sudden question. Taeyong laughed as the barista behind him accidentally knocked a cup off as he turned around to look at her stifling a laugh as well. “What? Um, you’re cute but I need it for the cup,” he gestured raising a cup in his hand making y/n embarrassed as she heard the girls from behind whisper about how assuming she was.

“Oh, sorry,” she said lowly as she muttered her name quickly and paying as she moved to get her order.

——

Y/N sat on her bed holding the box of two bottles. Taking one, she shook it again as she saw the swirl of iridescent liquid calling her in. The whole time she mentally prepared herself for what was to come. To say she was excited to meet Jaehyun again was an understatement, she wanted to take the bottle again as soon as she stepped home but she remembered that there was only two left.

She took one bottle out deeply breathing in and out as she downed it all feeling the familiar taste touch her lips as she entered her dream once again.

When she woke up again she was in a garden, sitting up right as she felt something on her lap shift. Looking around, she noticed she was still in the same setting as before only, it was day and everything seemed bright as people continued to walk around minding their own business.

“You look beautiful from this angle down here, but I would appreciate it if you would look at me too,” a voice says as she looked down only to see Jaehyun lying down on her lap staring up at her with a small smile on his face. She blushed once again when she saw him, last night she thought he was breathtaking under the lamp post but under the sun he looked so much better with freckles scattered on his cheeks his eyes a lighter shade of brown and his dimples, ever so present, poking out.

“You were saying?” She says as Jaehyun stood up from her lap. “I’m starting to think you don’t pay attention to anything I say,” he complained as he dusted himself. Y/N stared right at him, wondering what they would do next.

“I need you to accompany me. I have this project going on and Johnny’s too busy to go with me,” he said as he took her hand. She wasn’t sure who Johnny was but she assumed he was his friend. Though she didn’t mind what his character would mean in her dream as he hasn’t showed up yet. She noted to herself that later on she would figure out who Johnny was and probably make the most of the second bottle she took. As they neared a building that look somewhat like a huge library, Jaehyun pulled her in a hurry as they made their way through old books.

Y/N groaned as she watched Jaehyun scan through the book once again trying to find the right thing. It was her dream, why is nothing interesting happening. “Jaehyun, what am I to you?” She asked as Jaehyun’s attention quickly went to her. His ears reddened as he rubbed the back of his neck shyly, “You said you weren’t my boyfriend. And you kissed me on my forehead, so who are you?” She asked as she hesitated mentioning that kiss as she felt herself become shy as she remembered how she woke up right after. Jaehyun nervously chuckled, to be honest, he himself did not know what their stand was. All he knew was that he wanted to protect her, and that he wanted to be with her always. It was all he ever knew since he met her, it was as if it was a role given to him by the gods to stand by her side no matter what.

“I’m not sure y/n, what do you want us to be?” He asks unsurely afraid of the rejection he might receive. Silently praying she won’t say ‘friends’. Y/N was taken aback as the question was thrown back at her. She didn’t know what they were supposed to be, nor did she know Jaehyun as much as he claims to know her.

Seeing the hesitation on her face, Jaehyun felt disappointed but decided to brush off the thought. “It’s okay, you don’t have to think about it.” He said as he gave her a pained smile which wasn’t unnoticed by y/n. “I can wait,” he said under his breath as he looked at her. Y/N looked at him in surprise, it was her dream. She could say whatever she wants, “I like you,” she blurted out as she waited for his reaction. Jaehyun’s ears, if possible, became more red as he heard her confession. He tried to stop the smile forming on his lips as he put back the book on the shelf.

“Well, that’s great because,” he said taking a step near her as he held both of her hands in his. “I am absolutely smitten by you,” he added ash he wrapped his arms around her shoulders pulling her into a hug. Y/N smiled as her cheeks hurt. She hugged him back, now this is definitely one of her best dreams ever. “Does that mean we can go on dates now?” She said as she pulled back. If she could live in a dream, then she would want to live in this dream forever.

Jaehyun grinned, “Lucky for you I booked us a date,” he said as he winked.

“Okay, maybe I don’t like you anymore,” y/n said as she made her way out of the library with Jaehyun laughing a bit too loud behind her.

————

As they made their way out of the library, Y/N found her hand once again wrapped around Jaehyun as he intertwined their fingers together. She smiled at Jaehyun’s affection. It was as if his hand automatically finds hers wherever they go.

As you both walked hand in hand, Jaehyun led you to a planetarium. “Have you ever been?” Jaehyun asks as he navigates his way through the streets. Constantly pulling you aside as you try to avoid people walking the opposite direction.

“I’ve never been to one actually,” you say wondering if you’ve ever been to one with your ex. To think of it, you really didn’t have enough time in the real world to explore the city during your past relationship. You were either curled up in your apartment or burrying your head in books. The dates you had previously were just last minute decisions as if he was just forced to take you out because you were together. But this time, with Jaehyun, it seems as if you actually got what you deserve. It may seem cheesy, but your heart fluttered when Jaehyun mentioned that he actually planned this date. It could be a preset in the dream, but that didn’t matter to y/n, all that mattered was that someone took the time to care for her and remind her how special she is. Even if that someone doesn’t really exist, she chose to ignore the thought. If there was a person who would break your heart again, you would be honored to have your heart broken by Jaehyun. And even with a broken heart, you would choose to love Jaehyun with all those little pieces.

“You should see the stars, they shine as bright as you,” Jaehyun added as they made their way through the planetarium. There wasn’t much people walking through, and everyone was speaking in hushed voices. As they walked through the planetarium, they entered a dark room with only the ceiling illuminated by galaxies and small celestial beings. Jaehyun looked at you with a small smile playing on his lips. He was fascinated by the way your eyes seem to shine even in the dark, like your eyes held the most beautiful stars as you admired the projected ceiling of light. Y/N then looked at Jaehyun who was still staring at her in awe. “You should take a picture, it would last longer,” she beamed as he scoffed lightly.

“So you steal lines now?” he said with an amused brow lightly applauding her sarcastically as you shoved him on his shoulder. “What else do I steal?” she said as they made their way around the room. “Probably my heart,” Jaehyun shrugged as he felt his ears turn red. He quickly looked up inspecting the ceiling as Y/N shot him a look of disapproval.

“If I wish on that star,” Y/N said pointing to a projected shooting star, “will my wish count?” you asked as you stared at Jaehyun whose eyes are still trained towards the ceiling as he looked at the constellations.

Jaehyun laughed as he put his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “Maybe,” he said as he looked up. Y/N closed her eyes as she clasped her hands together. She knew it was pathetic, to be making a wish in this dream. But her pleas and prayers didn’t seem enough to calm her desperate heart.

I wish I could live in this dream a little longer.

They both sat down in the middle as they continued to enjoy each other’s presence. No one was around anymore as it seemed like the whole planetarium closed. Y/N already lost track of time, she didn’t know what has already happened to her in the real world, but for sure she was sleeping for the whole day already. Jaehyun, on the other hand, was still deep in thought as he slowly laid down on the floor with an arm tucked behind his head as a pillow, the other resting on his stomach.

“Do you ever feel like somewhere out there, there’s another version of us doing the exact same thing we are doing now?” he mentions as he continues to stare into space. Y/N glances at him and copies his position as she adjusted herself to be laying down beside him. Not really knowing what to say, Jaehyun took it as a sign to continue.

“I feel like I’ve been living in a cycle. It sucks really cause everyone I know either forget me, or they space out. Or it was as if I never really know them to begin with,” he says, frustration clear in his voice. His eyebrows furrowed as he continued to stare into the black space displayed on the ceiling. “You know, the other day, Johnny acted as if he didn’t really know me. I don’t even know if he was playing with me but it was like it was his first time seeing me,” he added as he turned to meet your eyes that were just focused on him. “It’s like how we saw each other back in the theater, you both acted the same way,” he pushed himself up as he supported himself with his arms.

“It’s the same every fucking time. I meet someone knew, we get to know each other, then all of a sudden they forget who I am,”

“I feel like I’m a character in someone’s dream,” Y/N gulped nervously as she slowly sat up. Jaehyun still confused as he blankly stared at his lap. Y/N didn’t know what to say, she didn’t know how to tell him that he was right and he was just a figment of her imagination and that all of this was from a stupid bottle her friend gave her for her birthday. You were scared to say something, afraid that revealing the truth would mean that you would wake up and that meant that you only had one bottle left to be with Jaehyun. Y/N grabbed his hand and gave it a light squeeze with a smile, hopefully, assuring him that everything will be alright.

“Promise me one thing,” he says as he faced her seriously. You nodded in response as you waited. “Don’t forget me,” he says carefully watching her reaction. Y/N chuckled as she shook her head, “That’s easy to do, Jae,” she laughed as she shaked their intertwined hands playfully. “Promise me you’ll also stay,” he added seriously. Y/N froze when she heard his words. To forget him was hard, she could remember him everyday when she woke up. But to stay was another thing, how could she stay when she only had one bottle left? How could she stay when he was just a character in her dream? How could she stay with someone who only exists in her memory?

She looked back at him, and the moment she did, she quickly regretted her actions. He was looking at her with so much hope in his eyes. Noticing her silence, the hope in his eyes turned into grim acceptance as he felt her hesitation. Y/N squeezed his hand making him look back at her. She had no idea what came in her, but she decided if its for Jaehyun, she would try.

“I promise,” she said firmly, eyes burning with determination. After all, a broken promise is better than none at all.

——

Y/N felt dizzy as she tried to get up from her bed as she leaned towards the bed stand to get her phone. Her mouth fell dry, remembering the promise she made Jaehyun as she dialed Mei’s number. “Help, I need to do something,” she said as soon as the line was answered.

“What is it this time? Did you finish the bottles already?” Mei asked groaning in response as you called too early for her liking. “No, tell me where you bought the bottles,” she said as she tried to balance her phone between her shoulder and ear as she wore pants. “I need to find who made those bottles,” she added disappointed at the lack of response from the latter. “I’ll send them to you, but I don’t think they’re open,” Mei replied, y/n sighed. She didn’t know why she made that promise, or how she would fulfill it. Back in her dream, everything seemed possible but now, all that was left was empty words that she regrets saying. She didn’t even know why she had a need to keep the promise to Jaehyun, he didn’t even exist to her disappointment.

After she received Mei’s message, she quickly headed out to go to the said shop. Her heart pounded nervously as she drove to the address. It was in a secluded part of town, there was no residential area near it and it seemed like a place that no one frequented to judging by the lack of public transportation that went to the area. She had to take a cab, and the look the driver gave her meant that it wasn’t a place to be in in the first place. As she stared at the shop in front of her, she suddenly felt so alone as the cab quickly left blowing a gust of wind. The small bells tingled when she walked in. The store was small and cramped with only a small counter near the end as she tried her best not to step on any of the antique items that were for display. Ringing the small bell on the table, she tried to inspect the place a bit more.

Her eyes squinted as she spotted a familiar poster hanging on the wall between two large dream catchers. ‘The Impossible Dream’ it read as small details were printed around. Her eyes widened in shock. It was the same poster from her dream, could it be that the musical actually existed? Would that mean Jaehyun existed? Before she tried to move further to get a closer look a stern voice spoke from behind the counter.

“What brings you here? We are closed,” her head whipped to the direction of the voice. There stood an old woman who was smaller than her with her white hair tied neatly up in a bun, eyes narrowing towards Y/N.

“That poster, where did you get it?” You said pointing in the direction of it as you tried your best not to falter in front of her gaze that seemed too strong for you to handle.

“That poster was made years ago by my ancestors, does it look familiar to you?” The old lady replied. Y/N nodded in response still debating whether the possibility of Jaehyun existing was real or not. “You took the bottles, didn’t you?” The old lady pressed on as Y/N muttered a small yes. “That was a mistake, you should have never taken it in the first place. I suggest you go home and continue on with your life, dark magic is not to be played with,” she said as she made her way towards the door behind the counter.

“No! Wait, I have some questions,” Y/N protested as she tried to block the old lady from disappearing.

“Forget about it now, what you experienced is not real,” the old lady said as she tried to make her way around you. Y/N continued to block her way which made the old lady sigh. You really didn’t want to give her a hard time considering her age, but you didn’t want to leave without unanswered questions.

“You say the dream I had wasn’t real, but why does that poster exist?” Y/N said as she moved to grab the poster that was hanging on the wall. It was designed exactly like what she saw on her dream. “What is this? What is in those bottles?” She gestured desperately waiting for an answer. The old lady sighed, grabbing a small stool and sitting down. “Those are bottles of dreams, my grandmother and my mother used to make it when I was still a child, telling me that one day it would change the world and that people would go crazy to get a sip of what was in it,”

“These bottles allow people to live in their deepest desires, everything you see in your dream is just a figment of your imagination. The potion lets you have what you want,” she added as she gestured towards the poster. “Luckily for you, what you desire isn’t that bad. But for others, it became too much. I stopped selling the bottles because things could get out of hand,” she said sadly. Y/N felt like the weight of her promise was crashing down on her. There was too much information for her to handle, the fact that Jaehyun did not exist made her sick. “I know you’re sad, everyone does once they find out they can’t have what they desire. But if it makes you feel any better, I can tell you one secret,” the old lady says hesitating as she finds the hope in your eyes glint at her words. “This poster, I am guessing you have seen it before in one of your dreams?” She questions as she holds it up in the light. Y/N nodded, “I want to know if the person I see in my dreams is true, or perhaps, I am holding on to this impossibility that he is true,” she mutters as she remembers Jaehyun. She only had one bottle left, meaning it would be the last time she would see him.

“This poster appeared here two days ago, I don’t know how it got here but I assume it is something from a dream. Just like everything in this shop,” the old lady said gesturing towards the other antique items. Everything was so random, as if it was just dumped with whatever things people could find.

“I am not sure if your dreams are real, and if the people do exist. But judging from how everything keeps appearing in random, they might be somewhere out there,” she added. Y/N breathed deeply, there was no assurance of Jaehyun existing in this world, but the existence of the poster means that he would probably appear in this shop if he were to be created. The poster alone ignited her desire to find him. If he did exist, where was he?

“Thank you, if you see anyone appear here around my age. Tall, white, handsome, basically looks like a prince, please let me know,” Y/N says as she leaves her phone number. The old lady chuckled, “Isn’t that too childish for a woman like you?” She says amused at your desperation to find this boy. “He’s a dream come true, can’t let anyone get to him,” y/n replies as she made her way out.

When Y/N returned home, she felt exhausted. She didn’t want to take her last bottle just yet. It could be her last chance of seeing Jaehyun, if what the old lady said was false. But seeing how the poster showed up, as well as other things that were in the shop, it gave her hope that Jaehyun existed somewhere out there. Another thing that bothered her was the fact that if he was out there, where was he? She didn’t even know where to start finding him. She hoped that he lived in the same country for her, she didn’t have enough money to find him if he were abroad. Nor did she think she was willing to find a man who basically existed based on her imagination. Even if he did live under the same skies, it was still to difficult task to do.

What’s the most you would be willing to do for the person you love?

Y/N took the last bottle of dreams, determined to keep her promise to Jaehyun. Adjusting once again to the bright light, when she woke up, she was seated on a chair in what seems like her room in her dream. She was wearing a white maxi dress that hugged her figure in all the right places, long enough to pool on the floor while she sat down. Her hair flowed down her back with curls toward the ends as her face was dolled with light make up.

Taking a good look of herself, she was satisfied with how she looked. If this was the last thing Jaehyun would see, then she was happy that he would see her at her best. When the doorbell rang, she made her way towards the door with a heavy heart as she reminded herself that this was her last bottle. When she opened the door, she smiled as she took in the sight of Jaehyun infront of her. His hair was gelled back with a fringe curled infront of his forehead. He was wearing a plain black suit and tie with a white dress shirt under. He held up a bouquet of fresh daisies as his cheeks were lightly pink from the cold (he tried to convince himself). “For you,” he shyly said, dimples making an appearance once again, he handed over the daisies as he stared down on his feet shuffling as he felt flustered by your presence.

Y/N pouted, he was the man of her dreams. Literally. She hoped she only drank half of the bottle now, because she definitely wanted to see Jaehyun dressed up like this for the rest of her life.

“What’s the matter?” Jaehyun said worried as he saw your lack of response. Taking your hand lightly, he rubbed small circles in the back of your hand as his other took your chin beneath his thumb and point finger. “Stop frowning, you look beautiful in that dress,” he complimented.

“You’re too good looking, I don’t think I can go with you anymore,” you reply trying to play off the somber mood as you give him a reassuring smile. Jaehyun chuckled, “You should see yourself,”

Both entered the venue, to say that it was extravagant was an understatement. It looked like a greek god threw a party, out of a sudden, Y/N felt out of place with all the people passing by looking like they were raised with a golden spoon. Feeling Jaehyun’s arm snake around her waist pulling her closer towards him, she glance at him sending him a small smile as she tries to gain confidence. “It’s fine, we can leave once you feel uncomfortable,” he says as he guides her towards the entrance. “Who has the money to throw this party? It looks ethereal,” Y/N loudly whispers shooting a fake smile to the guards who welcome both of you. “Moon Taeil, he’s a friend of mine,” Jaehyun replies as he inspects the place. Y/N looks around as she admires the gold chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and tall white pillars around the place with gold vines wrapped around it.

“By the way, you look ethereal,” Jaehyun whispers close to her ear, his lips brushing against her earlobe making her flush. He leads her to their table and leaves to get the drinks which makes y/n snap back to her plan. Honestly, she really did not have a plan. She didn’t know how she should spend her last bottle, but for sure she had to act quickly. She thought of hugging Jaehyun or at least holding his hand tight enough for her to bring him to reality, but everything seems pathetic at this point. Looking around, she decided to go to the restroom to at least settle with a final plan. As she made her way through the hallways, she looks at the pictures hanging on the wall. It all looked like some portrait of a royal family, but one picture has caught her eye. Narrowing her gaze, she inspects a picture of a woman probably around her 20s with eyes set forward as if it was staring at her back.

“Where did I see this before?” Y/N mutters under her breath as she stared longer at the woman. Shit, it was the same woman from the shop, only a younger version. Her eyes widened, as she tried to find more pictures of the woman. Y/N slowly tried to reach for the frame, carefully touching it as she tried to find a trace of anything that could help her to bring Jaehyun to reality. Biting on her lip, she continues down the hall in desperation to find hints. As she neared the end, she felt a gust of wind blow towards her.

Turning around, she finds herself in the middle of the street. It was the same street where she met Jaehyun, the first time she appeared in her dream. She looks around and notices the same poster hanging around. Breathing deeply she turns around once again, “What the fuck is going on?” She asks herself.

“Excuse me, where am I?” She asked as she grabbed an arm of a woman who was walking down the street. The girl ignored her like a ghost as she shook her arm of and continued to walk as if nothing happened. Y/N tried asking different people but they all pretended as if they couldn’t hear her. She continued to walk down the streets, noticing a familiar building. The shop she visited, the one with the old lady.  Y/N tried opening the door, continuously pounding on it with her fists. “Hello! I need some help, I’m the girl from awhile ago!,” she pleaded as she continued to pound the door with her fists. “Please help me,” she cried out as she shook the door handle. After numerous attempts of trying to open the door, she decided to go back.

“Jaehyun, where are you,” she said feeling her eyes water as she ran around trying to find him in the crowd. Closing her eyes, she tried to control her dream. “I am in the party, I am with Jaehyun,” she chanted, eyes tightly shut as she clenched her fists. Her cheeks wet with streaks of tears that have escaped her eye.

Opening her eyes again, she finds herself in a bathroom. Heaving deep breaths, she looks around her cautiously, afraid that she would lose herself in her dream. After wiping her tears, she made her way towards the party. She finds Jaehyun in the corner talking to a woman around her age her hair long and straight. She looked smaller next to his bigger frame and her eyes were sparkling, y/n was not sure if it was from the light or was it just really her. The woman laughed lightly at what Jaehyun says as she gives him a charming smile. She matched the princess in fairy tales looking as regal as Jaehyun could be. This made y/n sad, it was her dream all along, but if she couldn’t bring Jaehyun to reality then he might as well just live his happily ever after with this woman.

But she might be able to bring him with her, and she wasn’t going to back down without a fight. Y/N clenched her fists, I was gone for a while and this idiot didn’t even try to find me, feeling the green monster in her heart rise she huffed out loud stomping over to the both of them.

“What happened to drinks?” She said making Jaehyun jolt at her sudden presence. “I was just about to get it,” Jaehyun answers as he glances at Y/N. “This is Naeun, a friend of mine, and this is Y/N,” he says gesturing to the both of you. Naeun gives her a small smile raising a hand, while Y/N continued to stare at her blankly.

“His girlfriend,” you scoff as you glared at Jaehyun. “I didn’t know it could take you fifteen minutes to get a drink,” she mocked as Jaehyun looked at her with an amused smile. “I just got here, what are you talking about?” He replied. Y/N raised her brow, “I went to the bathroom,” she argued back. Naeun looked at the two, excusing herself as she didn’t want to get caught up between them. “I just sat you down though,” Jaehyun pouted at her response not liking that she was upset with him. Y/N was confused, didn’t she just get lost in her dream? Or did time just stop and everything continued to flow for her? She decided to drop the topic, sitting down on the stool next to him.

“Doesn’t matter, who is she?” She questioned jutting her chin towards Naeun’s direction as she took a sip from the Andy Player Jaehyun ordered from her directing her attention towards the front avoiding his teasing eyes. “Just a friend from high school,” he said taking a seat as well as he took a sip of his drink, his smiling growing wider at her reaction. Y/N rolled her eyes as she played with the liquid in her glass, “Sure, you seem happy to be reunited,” she mocked, jealousy coating her words. “Hmmm, are you jealous?” Jaehyun asked as he leaned one arm on the counter looking at her with a teasing smile she would like to wipe off his face because not only did he irritatingly looked too good to be true, the veins in his arms were also distracting. Fuck Jaehyun and his rolled up sleeves, Y/N found it unfair, he looked like God’s favorite.

“No, why would I be jealous?” She said defensively taking another sip of her drink. “I don’t care who you mingle with,” she dragged on with a tone as she stuck her tongue out. Jaehyun laughed, “Really?  Cause I don’t remember asking me to be your boyfriend,” he added. Y/N chocked on her spit at his statement as she glared at him, “Forget I said that,” though she secretly liked how he seemed to be fine with that title. “To be honest, I really don’t want to,” he retorted. Y/N flushed as she felt herself shrink on her seat.

“I want to dance with my girlfriend, may I?” Jaehyun stated as he offered her a hand, smiling as he raised his brows making Y/N scoff. She really wanted him to stop, it wasn’t good for her heart that probably did a thousand of flips at every word he says.

She took his hand as they made their way towards the dance floor, Jaehyun’s arms wrapped around her waist as he pulled her closer, his other arm guarding each of her hand to wrap around his neck as they found themselves back to her waist. Y/N felt bittersweet, remembering the first time they saw each other and how they were in the exact same position just in a different setting. Jaehyun hummed with the slow song that was playing, lightly mumbling the lyrics with his baritone voice, as his smile never left his face, “This feels familiar,” he says lightly chuckling as he guided her once again through their dance. Y/N this time, only looked at him, no longer looking at her feet. “I think I could get used to this,” she replies making Jaehyun’s smile grow wider, his ears turning red.

“I may have not told you this earlier, but you look beautiful tonight,” he said face serious as they continued to sway to the music. “I mean, you look beautiful everyday, but you look extra pretty now,” he added. Y/N’s face scrunched up in disapproval, never fond of compliments but ever so receiving when it comes to Jaehyun.

“You look handsome as always, Jae,” she said sincerely, lips quirking up slightly at the new nickname she gave him.

Y/N glanced at Jaehyun once more as he continued to guide her carefully through the dance, her heart heavy as it seems that the thought of him not existing in reality would not leave her alone. Hesitating, she looks one more at the smile he has on his face, she really doesn’t want to hurt him. I don’t think I have it in me to hurt you, ever.

“I lo-“

“Jaehyun, I have to tell you something,” she says cutting him off as he was about to say something. Jaehyun looked at her surprise but smiled understandingly, this can wait, I can wait, l just a little bit more, he thought.

They went to the garden, there were still people walking around but less compared to those inside. Y/N’s heart was beating too loud she could hear it in her dream, she has to risk it. She needed to tell him, she had to tell him. “Just let me speak, and I’ll answer all your questions later,” she says as he looked at her curiously. Jaehyun nodded in response, encouraging her to continue as he grabbed both her hands to help her calm down.

“You don’t exist, you’re a part of my dream,” she said as she looked at Jaehyun whose eyebrows just furrowed, pursing his lips as to stop him from asking questions.

“It was my 23rd birthday two days ago, my friend gave me a gift of bottles that contained dreams. I thought it was bullshit at first, but the moment I drank the first bottle, I met you. And I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re just a part of my imagination. It pains me to say it, but I don’t think I could hide the truth from you anymore. The next time I met you, it was when we were at the park, I remember you asking me how I spaced out and how I seem not to pay attention. It was because I wasn’t mentally present when you were speaking to me. All those times I met you, I fell in love with you because you were all I ever wanted, and it hurts me to think that I can’t even have you in my life,”

  Y/N’s tears continued to roll down her face as she sobbed trying to gather her thoughts as Jaehyun looked at her with a mix of confusion and frustration. “This night, I drank my last bottle,” she says voice shaking as she felt Jaehyun’s hands stiffen under her hold.

“Remember when we made our wishes? I wished to live longer in this dream,” she says as he hugged her. Her tears drenching his suit, but that didn’t matter. This maybe her last moments with him, and her heart was hurting too much for her to take.

“Jaehyun, I love you,” she sobbed. She said it, without hesitation as she looked at Jaehyun with teary eyes. Jaehyun bit his lip, he didn’t even know where to start asking. He hugged her tightly as he felt his tears touch his lips, the taste salty as it continued to flow down his face. “I won’t tell you mine, because it won’t come true if I do,” he says as he puts a hand on his shoulder his face bending down to meet her eyes. His other hand brushed the stray strands against her face as she continued to cry.

“I shouldn’t be crying like this, we shouldn’t be doing this,” she said as she wiped her tears away trying to think of happy thoughts.

“Y/N, look at me,” Jaehyun said seriously. His hands with a firm grip on his shoulder. Y/N tried to hold back her tears as she saw the pain on his eyes, long gone the smiles he gave her earlier.

“Promise me, you’ll try,”  Y/N nodded as she grabbed his face and pressed a firm kiss on his lips.

“Don’t leave me, please,”

“I won’t, I swear,”

—————

Y/N woke up, her cheeks still wet as she felt tears stream down her face. Everything felt so real, the kiss, the confession, the promises. Jaehyun’s words still echoing in her mind as if she could hear his deep voice whispering beside her.

The moment she got up she tried contacting the old woman, and going back to the shop only to find that it was closed already and was going to be demolished soon. It has been a week since she last saw Jaehyun, a week since she has drank her last dream in a bottle. However, the heartache she went through was still as fresh as it was when she woke up. She tried her best to find him. She visited different libraries, reading on books about what happened to her and if there was a way to reverse it. She even tried going to a planetarium in hopes of finding Jaehyun there, but all found nothing. Some people thought she was crazy, and that she was hallucinating everything, but they didn’t know her story.

She even found the same venue where they had the ball, but to her disappointment, she never found anything that could lead her to Jaehyun or vice versa. It was if he was just a memory she was to forget. But that was the problem, she couldn’t forget him. She promised him she would try, and she didn’t want to let him down. Sometimes, she wondered what he was doing. Was he also trying to escape her mind? Was he with Naeun now that she was gone? Does she get those cheesy pickup lines he tells her? What was he doing now? Did he love her?

There were times when she tried to dream of him, but it wasn’t real. All she got was an image of him, but it didn’t feel like how she dreamt of him when she had the bottle. She tried to widen her imagination, and picture him with her. But it was too tiring for her, after all, she only had three nights of dreams.

As she made her way down the busy streets, she walked quickly as she navigated her way towards the central park as she continued to avoid the people bumping her while they were walking the opposite direction. She stopped in front of the cafe, heaving deep breaths. As she made her way in she walked towards the table in the corner, her lips forming into a smile as she saw the familiar face.

“It’s been a while,” she said hugging Mei. Mei grinned back at her and gestured her to sit down.

“So, how’s life so far?” Mei asked enthusiastically as she sipped on her tea, crossing her legs as she leaned forward. Y/N shrugged as she took a bite of her banana cake, “Nothing much, it’s been boring lately,” she said as she stabbed the banana cake and stuffing another piece into her mouth. “You know you never called me after the second bottle,” Mei huffed.

“Nothing happened, I tried to find the manufacturer because I needed more but the building was demolished,” she replied bitterly. “Ohh yeah, but the dreams were good right?” Mei responded.

“Yeah, too good to be true,” Y/N replied dejectedly. “Do you ever like, want your dreams to come true?” She asked Mei curiously as she bit her fork. “Of course, why the sudden question?” Mei retorted. “I dreamt about this guy, and he’s wonderful. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and I just wished he was true,” she replies sighing remembering Jaehyun once again which made her feel bittersweet. It was like she was the only one who knew him inside out, he literally was the man of her dreams.

“I don’t know what you dreamt about but whatever it is, I guess those bottles really work then,” Mei shrugged. “Besides, attachment is the root of suffering,” she adds taking a bite of the banana cake and wiggling her brows.

As she navigated her way home, Y/N sighs once again. Was it really that hard to forget Jaehyun? He didn’t even exist yet here she is feeling broken hearted as if she was cheated on once again by her ex boyfriend. Moving towards a crowd she felt people bump against her making her scrunch up her nose in irritation, “Damn, can’t people watch where they’re going?” She muttered under her breath as she made hurried strides towards her apartment.

Before she could take a turn, she felt a body bump against her as she fell on her butt looking up squinting. Pair of hands helped her stand up as she dusted herself, flustered that she caused a scene in public.

“Thank you,” she muttered quietly to the stranger who didn’t seem to budge as she tried to make her way.

“You should really watch where you’re going,” a deep voice said. Looking up, her jaw slacked. There he stood in front of her, with a light smile in his face his hair still swept back as he was dressed in a plain white tee with denim jeans and white sneakers. Jaehyun. If he looked ethereal in her dream, then she didn’t even know how to describe how he looked as he stood in front of her as she continued to stare at him in awe.

“I didn’t know you were this clumsy, I think you need to get used to me guiding you everywhere,” he added shaking his head as he took her hand in his as his smile radiated. He chuckled at her noticing her lack of response. He placed a small kiss on her forehead as his arm wrapped around her shoulder as he pulled her towards the direction of her apartment.

“How did you find me? How are you here? Are you real?” Y/N asked hurriedly as she stared at him in shock. Everyone was looking at Jaehyun, who wouldn’t really? The girls around continued to stare at him with heart eyes but they didn’t matter to him as his arm tightly wrapped around your shoulder. They didn’t matter cause they weren’t you. Y/N was too bewildered to even glare at those girls as her mind started thinking of all the possibilities on how he appeared.

“My wish came true,” Jaehyun stated as he faced her grinning at her amazed state. “What did you wish for?” Y/N asked curiously as she looked at Jaehyun who was still smiling at her softly.

“I wished I could spend the rest of my life loving you,”

Y/N stopped walking as Jaehyun grabbed her shoulders and faced her towards him. “Why did you say that? Now it won’t come true,” she scolded him as she pouted. Jaehyun laughed at her response. “I’m not going anywhere though, you got me, you got me good,” he winked making her blush just like in her dream.

“Oh and Y/N,” he added as he bent down meeting her eyes as she looked at him with flushed cheeks and bright eyes.

“I love you too,”  

#jaehyun fic #jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun au #nct fic #jaehyun imagines #jung jaehyun #jaehyun fluff #jaehyun fanfic

[workingontravel]

If the borders refuse me, I refuse them

(You can read a Swedish translation of this text here.) I mentioned this project to a friend. She immediately said: You should talk to Ghayath Almadhoun. Ghayath Almadhoun is a poet whose poetry has touched me. He is also a poet working with several languages, living and writing in many places. Finding a time when we could meet was a challenge, due to his frequent travelling. I’m happy we managed. His account of travelling for work brings together the personal and the political, the funny and the sad, the historical and the present, in extraordinary ways.

Ghayath Almadhoun: I travel for many reasons that I hardly understand. Some of them started already in childhood. I was born in Damascus, with a Palestinian father and a Syrian mother, in the Yarmouk refugee camp for Palestinians. It was just tents when they founded it in 1948, but now it has become buildings, part of the city. The first questions in my life were: What are we? Why do they say that we are not Syrian but Palestinian? Why, then, am I not in Palestine? 

It was very difficult for my father to explain to a six-year-old why land in Asia provided a solution for the antisemitism and racism against the Jews in Europe. But later, things became even more complicated. I discovered that I am not Palestinian-Syrian. I am a Palestinian from Syria. The Palestinian-Syrians are the Palestinians who arrived to Syria in 1948, when Israel occupied eighty per cent of Palestine. As the United States, the Soviet Union and Europe all accepted this, the Arabic governments understood that the land that was occupied had become Israel. As a solution, they gave the refugees all the papers they needed. So those who arrived from Palestine to Syria in 1948 have the same civil rights as the Syrian people. But our family came after the occupation of Gaza, in 1967. When Israel occupied the Gaza strip, the West Bank, the Golan Heights from Syria, Sinai from Egypt and some parts of Jordan, the international community said: “This is occupation, and Israel should leave.” The Arabic nations then decided to not give any papers to these Palestinians in order to not provide any solutions for Israel. I found myself growing up without civil rights. I was not allowed to work. I was not allowed to take driving lessons. I was not allowed to leave the country, and if I did leave for any reason, I would not be allowed back. As we were not allowed to own a house, the house is in the name of my mother, who is Syrian. But if she died, the government would take the house and sell it. This, that I couldn’t inherit, was the thing that hurt me the most.

When I understood that I was already born outside, in exile, as they say, I became fascinated by the idea that there are no borders. If the borders refuse me, I refuse them. When I began to study, I also understood that my father was a poet. I began to think about poetry. I felt connected to many Surahs in the Quran, such as The Poet’s Surah, Surah 26. At the end of the Surah, it says:

“And the poets – the deviators follow them; Do you not see that in every valley they roam And that they say what they do not do?” Travelling is the reality of Arab poets, and poetry is very much connected to travelling in the Arabic tradition. Take the most famous Arabic poet El Mutanabbi. In the 800th century, he travelled, but most of all, his poetry travelled. If El Mutanabbi said a poem in Bagdad, the people in Damascus got it in a matter of hours by pigeon. From there, it went everywhere. His poem would arrive in Andalusia within a week. He himself came two months later.

So, I began to write poetry. My friends all went to Beirut, to Jordan or anywhere. They got invitations to go and read there. But I couldn’t travel, because I didn’t have a passport, papers or even an ID. So, the pressure began to build inside. This continued until I turned thirty, in 2008. Then I left the country. I made a sort of fake passport and went to Sweden. After I got a real Swedish passport, it’s: “Catch me if you can!” The travelling is also connected to my writing. For example, I could visit a place, read about it, discuss it and then I write a poem. I did it for example when Assad used chemical weapons on the suburbs of Damascus. Many people got killed in the first attack with the nerve gas sarin. There were 1,400 deaths, out of which 900 were women and children. I saw these bodies shaking. The pupils of the eyes go small. I started to think about chemicals. And I found that the first chemical attack happened in the city of Ypres in Belgium, on 22 April,1915. I went there for the 100th anniversary of that event. I visited 170 cemeteries. They counted 600,000 graves, and I visited all of them in two weeks. At one gate, they have written the names of all the dead soldiers no matter where they came from – France, England, Canada. They play music in honour of one of them every day and speak about what they know about that specific soldier. They had done this for eighty years without stopping for one single day. Even during the Second World War, they played every day. The problem is that they need 600,000 days to finish the names. I listened to such concerts for fourteen days. Then I wrote a poem that moves between the past and the present, Ypres, Syria and Palestine. Another time, I went to Antwerp to do research about blood diamonds. But during that month, thousands of people started to drown in the Mediterranean. So, my poem started with blood diamonds and ended with Syrians drowning in the sea. By the way, this is not political poetry, this is my life.

So, all in all: I travel in order to write. I’m making up for what I missed when I was without papers. I’m a travelling poet like in the Quran. And I’m born in no country, so I don’t believe in borders. But the main reason why I’m travelling like I have been doing now, 345 days a year and not even staying in Sweden for a full week, is another. When I came to Sweden, I accepted Stockholm as my city because Damascus was in the background. Every time I felt tired of being a foreigner, I remembered that Damascus was there, that one day I could go back and feel relief. In 2011, the Syrian revolution began. I really supported it, and it made my hopes of going to Damascus grow. But people I knew got killed, family members, almost all my friends. Cities I knew were destroyed. And the dictatorship won. The country was destroyed. My hopes of ever going back were lower than ever. Damascus disappeared from my background. Everything was shaken. Also, Stockholm didn’t belong to me anymore. What broke me was my brother. I lost him on 2 April 2016, killed by Assad. I was on tour: I was supposed to spend fifteen days in Holland. The second gig was with Anne Vegter, the poet of the nation. We finished our discussion. I went outside and I put the mobile on. Then my other brother called and told me. I disappeared from the universe for two hours. I woke up with people around me. We went to our friend’s house and I asked him to book me a ticket to Stockholm. The coming twenty-four hours were the most difficult in my life. While the plane was over Denmark, I understood there was something wrong. I wanted to tell the pilot to stop and let me off. Why was I going to Stockholm and not Damascus? Stockholm is even further away from Damascus. What is the difference if I cry in Amsterdam or if I cry in Stockholm? So I started travelling this way. As I see it, the best way to survive trauma is to be on the road. When you arrive, the problems will come. I noticed this in someone I know who was in Syria for four years during the bombings. He lost all his friends. People died in his arms. ISIS arrested him before he left the country. His trip here took eight months. All that time, he was doing ok. But when he got here, it took forty days and then the post trauma hit him. That made me even more scared. So, I began to ask myself: What will happen if I begin to travel and never let myself arrive? The panic attacks will wait for me to be settled. But what if I don’t settle? After the death of my brother I wrote a poem. The writing took place in maybe sixty places, twenty countries. If I would sign it with the names of the cities, that would be as long as the poem. What held me in this is that somebody else paid most of my tickets and travels. In this sense, I survived through poetry twice. On one hand, it’s about writing for survival; writing what hurts me on a paper. But then there are the festivals and the residences and the scholarships bringing me from here to there. Many of these festivals were shocked that I only needed one ticket. Germany pays my ticket from France. Belgium pays my ticket from Germany. Everyone pays only to bring me.

It happens that there are holes in the schedule, maybe even seven days empty. I fill these holes in order to not stay. I ask the festival to make my ticket longer and I pay the hotel myself before I go to the next festival. Or, if the ticket can’t be changed, I book a flight to the Arabic book fairs. In Arabic countries, the book fairs are two to three weeks long. And they schedule them in a systematic way, so they cover the whole year. Any time you want to go to a book fair in an Arabic country, you can. There are around 540 million Arabic-speaking people in the world, in 22 countries with 22 totally different cultures. So, when you go there to sign your book, there will be completely different receptions. You’re a star in Kuwait, they hate you in Libya, and you’re a bestseller in Iraq…

I don’t even remember all the places I have been to, I mix them up. The security personnel in the airport know me and say hello to me. Sometimes I see them in the morning. I go home to throw out the summer clothes and throw in the winter clothes because I’m going to the other side of the planet. Then I see them again in the afternoon. People understand after a while that if they are trying to stop me, they will lose me. If the train is fast and heavy, you should go with it, not stand in front of it. But the routine with friends is you go to their house, bring wine and cook and they come to you next time. When you are travelling again and again and don't have dinner with them, they are not your friends anymore, in a way. You lose your roots.

It is so good when you arrive in places like sunny California, cornfields and wine. And meeting people, discussing with them, having good food, having intellectual exchanges about philosophy, life, racism, patriarchy, everything I’m interested in. But physically it’s tiring. I have a theory I call The Pillow Theory. There are problems in life such as patriarchy, occupation, capitalism and the differences in the shape of pillows in the hotels. I’m fighting for the right of every person to have a size that fits them. Because of pillows and tiredness and lost friends, I’ve started to think I need a strategy to travel less. Also, my girlfriend is involved in this. Our idea is to let my mind think that I’m travelling though I’m not, by taking long residencies outside Sweden. So now I have a five-month residency in Amsterdam and after that a whole year at the DAAD Artists-in-Berlin programme, a scholarship. It works, in a way. When I went to Amsterdam, I started longing for Sweden as my country. Because I understood I would be away for long, I became homesick for the first time. And when I feel the thirst for travel I can make it subtler, because technically, I am already travelling. Through this, I started travelling less. Now, I travel only twice a month.

When I travel, I bring my laptop. They asked me in India what I would bring if the house were on fire. I said my laptop, because there is another house inside it. What is a home for a Palestinian born in a refugee camp if not language? It’s something I inherited from my father. He told me about paradise, the land of milk and honey. When I got my Swedish passport, I went to Palestine. There was nothing. No milk and no honey. It’s only in the dream of the Palestinians. The first time I went there, I was held six and a half hours at the airport. With all the happiness and sadness that I had about being there, finally the Israeli let me in. To this day, I never spoke with my father about that, because they threw him out twice, once from Ashkelon to Gaza in 1948, then from Gaza to Egypt in 1967, and he left his mother there. Until 2012 when she died, he didn’t meet her.

Home is connected to the mother tongue. I miss hearing my name. I used to say to God all the time that I miss Syria and Damascus here in Sweden. But when I asked God to connect me with Syria, he must have misunderstood me. Instead of taking me to Syria, he sent the Syrians to me.

#ghayathalmadhoun #workingontravel #trainsandboatsandplanes #english

[5secondsofrant]

Ashton speaks to Luke + GQ interview

I was going to do this in different posts but after seeing both videos, I think there’s some points that they share, so I’m just doing one.

DISCLAIMER:

This post contains personal opinions and theories. Don’t take any of this as a confirmation of anything.

This post’s purpose is not to hate on anyone mentioned here but to share what I think.

I’m always up for discussion, while it’s done with respect to me but also about the people we’re talking about.

I’ll do a breakdown here about the main points I’ll be talking about so you can skip to whatever you prefer if you don’t want to read this whole post because it’s going to be long:

1. Ashton speaks to Luke EPISODE 1

2. 10 things 5 Seconds of summer can’t live without

3. Luke and his girlfriend and his dog

1. Ashton speaks to Luke EPISODE 1

> Summary: Luke and Ashton sit in what it seems to be an hotel room, Ashton asks Luke some questions and directs him through it. The video is in black and white and, by the gestures at the end of it, seems like Ashton recorded it on his Macbook.

> Highlights of it:

“The mission here is to [...] also spread the word through Europe where the band it’s at now. It’s important that we came here in person so people know we’re not sixteen anymore.” 

Luke talks about missing his house, where he feels like he can start every morning letting his creativeness flow, since he can sit on the piano or play guitar, but before that he casually mentions missing his girl and dog.

How travelling affects their (or at least Luke’s) creativity and workflow.

Ashton asks “all the sacrifices, that you know, being away all the time, is it worth it?” and Luke responds, after thinking and playing a beat with his fingers “mmm, yeah, I think so” and Ashton says “that’s the big question” and Luke laughs and says “yeah, I don’t know”.

> Why I can see this is a genuine thing:

If any of them wanted to pretend like he has a talk show, I would totally see Ashton as the one to point at.

The description is “Ashton and Luke talk about sacrifice, happiness, and Homelife”. Let me say that I adore Ashton, but he’s extra and I can see him trying to convey the topics in these words. It’s appealing and it makes you feel like they touch in depth topics that they... didn’t get to touch so deeply. We just scraped the surface of their true feelings about these topics. 

The fact that the video is in black and white (and goes with the mood of the video description) is something Ashton would do.

I can totally see Ashton being like “why don’t we do something special with this album?” and coming up with this idea. The fact that it says Episode 1 makes me think that he’ll interview the rest of the band and/or make more than one episode about each one of them. 

Maybe they want to show a “mature image” and thought this was a way of doing it so we can see a clear difference between cocktail chats and this.

> Why I think it’s a little bit weird or fishy:

I don’t know much about this, and I think I would prefer not to search in depth (because I don’t want to figure out how controlled they are), but I’m pretty sure their management (or social media managers) have a lot to say on the content they post on social media. With this being posted in such a big outlet for the band as youtube is (because people that aren’t fans are going to see that too if they look up the channel to search the song they heard on the radio, for example), I feel like this is probably one of the places where they are most controlling at. I truly believe this had approval from someone to be posted.

The fact that it’s so casual is weird. And yeah, you might be like: “wouldn’t that make it more genuine?” and yes, it could, but for me it’s just weird to think that Ashton just turned on his laptop and was like “hey Luke, here, I’m posting a video, let me interview you”, while that can happen, I feel like the way this truly happened was: Ashton had the idea ---> asked management if he could do that ---> they agreed but probably directed some of the topics and/or they had to approve the final result. It’s casual he uses his mac and he tries to clean up a little bit the background at the beginning, but apart from that, I feel like they both knew this was happening at some point.

> What I appreciated it about it: 

It was interesting to know Luke’s process to songwrite and how invested he is in music even when he’s not on tour. 

The fact that they were honest about their feelings and commented the ‘sacrifice’ their work means. 

> What called my attention:

I felt like Ashton was trying to direct Luke’s questions by bringing his own feelings into the whole thing, or at least at the end that was the case (when they talk about sacrifice). I don’t know if Ashton was talking about his own experience or was trying to get more out of that “mmm, yeah, I think so” because he might not feel that way, or he might know Luke doesn’t feel that way.

The mention of Luke’s girlfriend. But I’ll talk about it after talking about the GQ interview.

The fact that they keep bringing up the fact that they want to establish they aren’t teenagers anymore. They keep on doing that and I don’t know if they notice it, and also, I’m pretty sure Europe knows they aren’t teenagers anymore, it’s not like they haven’t been there since the self-titled album. They did a pretty important tour there last year showing their new image. 

Calling their job a sacrifice. And showing doubt to it being worth it. I don’t know if they’re trying to hint anything (whether is how they’re feeling, if there’s something up behind the scenes we don’t know about, etc.). I feel like this group has struggled a lot while on the music industry. They might be in a better place now, but being on a better place doesn’t erase what made you be on a bad place.

The fact that you can’t like or dislike de video. Maybe this is a sign that they are really trying to put themselves out there and don’t want this to be affected by that or that they don’t care about if people like it or not.

Ashton actually asked “What do you miss about home?” and Luke says “LA?” and I felt like (this is my take though) Ashton’s aim was getting him to talk about Australia and his family so it could get more personal. You can see him shrugging when he’s like “yeah, LA” (and his voice was a little high pitched so I don’t know much about this whole paraverbal/body language whole thing but I feel that those are some signs). Also, he said “home” and when Luke talks about LA he only refers to it as “I miss my house because blah, blah”.

2. 10 Things 5 Seconds of Summer can’t live without.

> Summary: It’s basically the title says.

> Hightlights/interesting parts from it:

Ashton: Finally we have an explanation to the polka dots shirts, suits and the gel. That’s it. I’m glad I finally understand the why behind all that. I’m not a really big fan of the gel or suits, but I can totally understand and respect his reasons on why to use it.

Calum: It was funny how he tried to avoid talking about girls (especially after the CK cologne explanation), and when he talked about the shirt and he was like ‘they’re like 10 dollars at target go and get one!!!’ sort of message. And then he showed the polaroid with his mom, and shared some insight about his life(even if it was a sneak peak). I thought it was sweet.

Luke: The playstation portable with his old games made me chuckle and the fact that he was so interested and kind of smiling fondly at it while talking about the games he has for it (and Michael saying that ridge racer sucks). Maybe it’s the vibe I got but I felt like he was remembering good things. Like sometimes I stumble upon things that were dear to me a few years back and it’s impossible to not remember things or where you were while you were using it, or buying it, etc. I also think that this time around the topic was a better choice from GQ since the last time he didn’t get to speak that much since he doesn’t have a tattoo. His phone part, I’ll talk about it in the next topic.

Michael: My favorite nerd. I feel like there’s an inside joke with Nicol Bolas, and I think I know why he tries not to laugh about it when he talks about the card (it’s such an “old” michael kind of joke if I’m right). I feel like the name is the reason on why it’s his fave, to be honest. Also loved that they other boys were like ‘well here’s my perfume and my clothes’ and he was like ‘look at my fucking thumb stick that is the coolest thing in the world’ and ‘Calum, I’ve got the first halo here’. He looks so invested on it it’s actually really nice.

While I thought it was nice to know this random stuff about them, maybe this was me, but I felt like they are struggling or they were sharing their struggles. I can’t point at the parts now (because I’ve been writing for a while and I don’t feel like going back) but I felt like this interview and the one on their channel really had this bits of them being a little tired/hesitant about their music direction/career. Maybe it’s my perception and if you’re interested I can go back and watch the whole thing closely to explain why, but I just got that feeling. 

3. Luke and his girlfriend and his dog.

(You know I had to name this point that way because I can’t stop myself from making dumb jokes that are too niche so problably a 0,01% of you will laugh at it).

Okay, so let me sum up all the times he has mentioned Sierra in past interviews in less than a month:

“Hate mail” on Elvis Duran (Jun, 4th)

I have a picture of my dog, and my girlfriend on Ryan Seacrest (May 23rd)

My background is a picture of me and my dog, and my girl on GQ (Jun, 18th)

"I miss my girl, I miss my dog” (Jun, 18th) 

I already gave an opinion on them, and why I’m neutral about if I think they’re real or not (you can check my post here), but after this, I’d also like to add this few points:

> Why I can see they’re real and if they’re real:

I mean, she’s on his lockscreen.

Luke is really private, or at least he was. So I’m guessing he’s trying to show that he has a partner to not fall into his “old ways” and that’s the reason on why he’s open about talking about her and showing pictures of her (this is a guess or my take on this topic).

He has mentioned the “hate mail” she gets, and in my opinion (but this is my take on it), if my partner got hate, I wouldn’t put them out there any more than they need to be. If this is his way to make the “haters go away” or “haters gonna hate” kind of thing, I don’t think it’s the right direction. Let me put it this way: I have a crowd of people that doesn’t like eggs. I stand in front of them showing them eggs in an attempt to make them stop hating it. I’ll probably get my ass handed to myself, but also, they will probably hate eggs even more. If this is the way to “desensitize” (like when therapists/psychologists make someone who’s, let’s say, it’s scared of heights be exposed to them, he’s or/and management are not performing it properly because this is done in a really slow way so the individual can take it, and so it actually works and doesn’t end up backfiring) the people who hate her, this isn’t the way. One thing is to try to normalize them as a couple and the other thing is to keep bringing her up in an attempt to make people stop bashing her. To be honest, if she’s as scared and anxious as she tells us she is, please don’t expose her like this and actually help her out (this is not in a mean spirited way. I just talk about everything in that way because we’re not really sure about a lot of stuff but if someone’s struggling mentally, it’s actually worrying and I hope she’s getting help by a person that knows what’s up and can show/teach her techniques so she can be in a better place).

(Also, please don’t think I’m comparing her to an egg. I literally couldn’t think about anything else but you can replace the eggs for your favorite food or item. Also, please don’t think eggs are my favorite food. I feel like I don’t even know what’s my favorite food anymore. If you’re curious about this, ask me like in seven days because I’ve just realized this and might have an answer by that day).

(This was my attempt to make some jokes because I felt like this whole situation it’s too heavy for some people so) (but it’s true I don’t know what my  favorite food is).

Why I can see they’re PR:

I want to start this by addressing that I have seen more hate or mean tweets directed at the band members than Sierra. Go and watch the interview they uploaded. Top comments are about how goals they are!!1!! because he misses her. With this I’m not saying hate towards her doesn’t exist or that is right, but I feel like the boys are more targeted than her. 

Ashton seems to be saying something shady every time after Luke comments about her. I wouldn’t be really happy with a friend of mine calling my significant other a “burnt potato” (even as a joke because ??? that’s so out of place in my opinion), I would be really awkward if my friend called me out for letting my partner touch my phone like it was the worst thing in the world (it’s debatable and for another time), and the faces he makes, especially in the video uploaded on the band’s account (but again, I have no clue on body language so if anyone knows, let me know what you think!). Also it caught my eye that on the Ryan Seacrest Michael took the attention out of the matter (his gf on his lockscreen) and was like okay man, let me joke for you and everyone was distracted from the topic for a moment. Calum seemed to try to do that on Elvis Duran, when he mutters “yeah, I should try to stop doing that”. 

Okay, now, y’all tell me if I’m reaching too much because I don’t want to sprain myself but, I don’t know about you, but just having the photo of you and your partner (and dog) and your lockscreen is kind of weird to me? Like why wouldn’t you have it as your background too?

It’s literally a picture that probably comes with the phone (I’m really bad at telling which Iphone is which but I know their backgrounds have space related stuff in the X one maybe? Not sure but I remember seeing the publicity lol).

And don’t tell me he doesn’t use the phone. I know they have like three phones but my dude has song lyrics and recordings in this one, so it’s probably the one he uses the most.

As I said, maybe it’s a reach, but, I usually have people I care about as my background (sometimes background and lockscreen it’s the same because lazy) because even if you have apps there, you get to see the photo and you smile a little. Maybe it’s just me, but I felt like pointing it out.

The amount of times he brings her up (and his dog). I don’t know if they’re real and he’s like “here’s my girlfriend!! uwu but also my dog please don’t hate me” or if Petunia is his self-defense mechanism at this point to try to show some emotion. Also, Petunia could be brought up to show familiarity if they aren’t real. The fandom knows Petunia is really important in Luke’s life, so if he has Petunia AND Sierra, it must be a REALLY big deal, right?

My last point, that will go with my final rant: go and read where they commented about her. Did you read? Yeah. Elvis Duran, Ryan Seacrest, their band account, GQ. Really important places and I feel like all of these media places have a big amount of credibility and they reach a diverse public (age and gender wise) so I feel like it’s worth pointing it out.

To be honest, whether they are real or fake (or a mix, that’s an option too), no one can’t convince me they’re not trying to sell Luke as the boyfriend of the band. And the good, perfect boyfriend. The Luke who was with Arzaylea is trying to be buried underneath this one and while I understand the reason why (image-wise), it’s still fucked that they have to sell the boys as “perfect human beings”. It’s on us and the industry, to be honest, and this is for a rant where I have a big cup of tea and it’s past midnight and I reflect on media and how it fucks up people but also can help and you’re sitting in the couch in front of me wondering when the fuck I’ll shut up because you wanna go to sleep but you don’t want to interrupt me.

So I’m leaving it there, thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

#you can literally tell when i started to get tired #5sosd #theory #lhsd

[harryandmolly]

The Long Way Home -2-

Summary: His world is a little rocked when Shawn is joined on his 2019 world tour by Emma, a former child star with a chip on her shoulder and a voice that haunts him.

Warnings: Language, brattiness, popstar angst

Word count: in the neighborhood of 3.8k

Emma wakes up on the wrong side of the bed again.

Physically, it’s the wrong side of the bed. For as long as she can remember, in whatever bed she’s slept in, from the fifth floor walk-up shithole in Ladera Heights to her grandfather’s house in Louisiana to every five star hotel she’s patronized, she’s slept on the right side of the bed.

Since her team for tour is more modest than that of a headliner, she took advantage of the opportunity to trick out her bus. She replaced the back lounge with a whole bedroom rather than a bunk under a snoring make-up assistant. It’s not the grungey first world tour experience but, fuck it. She has the money and she wants the privacy.

But this bed situation must be really throwing her off. She wakes up on the left side three mornings in a row and it puts her in a fouler mood than she already has been.

She stands slowly, feeling a familiar ache in the balls and heels of her feet, her knees and her lower back. She has the body of an 18-year-old plagued with the ailments of a 60-year-old and there’s no real wonder why with seven days a week of Pilaticardio on top of choreography rehearsals for tour.

Choreography was one of the many things she fought against and clearly lost out to the opinions of her managers, agents and mom. She had plenty of dance experience, sure, you don’t get to be Miss Little California 2010 without being able to put together a jazz square, but she never pictured herself dancing on stage.

She shakes the thought from her head, unwilling to go down that road so early in the morning. If she starts the mental list of all the things she’s doing now that weren’t as she pictured, she’d just get back in bed and she can’t because tour starts today.

Tour. Starts today.

She does almost crawl back into bed but Margaret’s at the door going through her schedule as Emma strips naked and changes into an Ivy Park workout ensemble that she thinks Mabel, her stylist, one of the only people on this bus she can stand to have half a real conversation with, would approve of.

Emma marches out of the converted back lounge bedroom past her troops – Mabel sitting with a bowl of steel cut oatmeal, Carmela, her trainer, in a ball cap holding resistance bands that make her cringe just looking at them. Her make-up and hair team are still in bed, she thinks, because she won’t be needing them until after her torture session. She hates them a little for getting to sleep late but she blames the bitterness on the early hour.

Before tea, before avocado toast, before coherent thought comes Pilaticardio and all its associated agony. Carmela spread out mats and equipment in the empty parking lot outside the venue beside their bus. When they start getting their blood moving, Emma remembers, as she does every morning, why she puts up with it. Pilaticardio makes her feel strong. Emma doesn’t live the kind of life where she feels strong often. From the outside, she looks like the top of the operation, the head of the dragon, making decisions and directing her destiny. It couldn’t be further from the truth. She obeys Carmela’s every instruction but still commands her own body in a way no one can control but her. She revels in it.

When it ends, she’s powerless again, resigned to be whisked off for a five minute shower, breakfast and into hair and make-up for her first ever soundcheck.

She’s not listening to Margaret as they stride across the blacktop toward the venue. She cradles her sweating water bottle in her hands, tapping her manicured claws against the strong plastic.

Emma can’t help herself. She glances at the bus she knows to be Shawn’s, strains to hear some activity, narrows her eyes to look for signs of life. Her heart races just at the sight of it, which she dutifully ignores in favor of her analytical approach.

She tilts her chin up proudly. She’s awake and working hard before the headliner. She assumed this would be the case as Shawn doesn’t need a glam squad to get him looking that good. Plus, it’s her MO. If she works twice as hard as everyone around her, she wins. That’s been ingrained since birth, since her pageant days, since her biggest worry was if she could twirl a baton faster than the girl next to her that her mom always called chubby but really she just had a sweet round face.

Emma carries herself even taller in her skyscraper wedges, practically strutting past Shawn’s bus. She assures herself it’s not because she wants him to be looking, to be watching the back pockets on her skinny black jeans. A thrill shoots up her spine at the idea, though. To have Shawn Mendes’s eyes on her ass? Well worth the Pilaticardio.

Emma tunes back in when she hears Margaret’s voice tick up in register, indicating she’s asked a question. Emma looks at her and raises an eyebrow. Margaret, very used to repeating herself at this point, reiterates.

“Do you want your mom along on the radio interviews tomorrow?”

Emma fixes Margaret with a blank stare. Margaret’s eyebrows quirk and she nods with an exhausted sigh.

“Right. I’ll book her a massage instead.”

Emma doesn’t thank her. She doesn’t acknowledge her. She keeps walking, her heartburn kicking in earlier in the morning than usual.

Appropriate, then, that her first single, the thing that’s been kicking up almost as much fuss in her team as this tour, is called “Fireheart.” “Fireheart” was first played for her by a team of producers in a frigid conference room on the 40th floor of a building in downtown Los Angeles where all the bad things happen to her. She remembers smiling in that way that doesn’t reach her eyes.

“It’s perfect,” she croaks. In her head, she’s tearing her hair out.

She went home that night to her 6-bedroom palace in the Hollywood Hills, the only place she gets to be alone (at least sometimes) and cried so hard she busted blood vessels in her cheeks that she knew would make the make-up artists think she’s bulimic and she doesn’t have the energy to correct them.

“Fireheart” isn’t a bad song. She chants this in her head as she springs up the steps to the artist entrance of the venue with Margaret hot on her heels. This chant has a tune associated with it now for how often she desperately repeats it. She bobs her head along with the imaginary beat, walking past her vocal coach with a nod and a shallow grin as she walks onstage.

She feels nothing when she looks out into the 17,000-capacity arena, empty and waiting for her to bring it to life. She stands on the edge of the stage, painted toes almost hanging off the edge, willing a little bit of danger to get her blood pumping. It’s the only thing that does anymore.

Her vocal coach Steven stands behind her, feeding her warmup exercises. She stares at the fourth seat in the third row, wondering who will be there tonight, wondering if she’ll be a little girl screaming her name, or screaming “Becky,” the character she played on Fake It Til You Make It. She answers to that name as easily as she answers to Emma. It doesn’t matter anymore. Neither of them are her. Not really.

Soundcheck goes off without a hitch. Her voice is sounding great, thanks to Steven. Just to be safe, since it’s her first tour and her voice is so green, he has her on vocal rest for the rest of the afternoon. If he weren’t 54, gay and married, she’d plant one on him.

Emma retreats to the bus for a conference call with the label about her single release, a dreadful reminder that this precious vocal rest can’t last. The single drops in two weeks and they’ve been hyping it up for months like it’s a fucking Beyonce album. Radio interviews are set up all over Europe. They’ve picked the treatment for the music video, which they’ll shoot on a day off during their stint in LA in July. Everything is almost ready for her debut, her sugar pop, twinkly-eyed, auto-tuned debut.

Thank god she can be silent for that call. And thank god no one but Margaret can see the faces she’s making.

When it ends, she feels that familiar 3pm defeated feeling. On her persistently buzzing phone, she types up an “I need 30 minutes. Please” message in her notes app and shows it to Margaret. Margaret acquiesces with a sharp nod.

Emma stumbles into her bus bedroom and shuts the door, slumping against it for a 10-second pity party, hanging her head.

In five steps, she’s at the foot of her bed, yanking at her shoes and reaching for her magenta wireless Beats at the same time. She hops onto the Casper mattress she insisted on and feels her bones sing her praises for relieving them.

But before she descends into a quick rest, she crawls on her knees to the window at the head of her bed and peers out through the slatted blinds, again looking toward Shawn’s bus curiously. Lights are on now, of course, it’s midafternoon and he’s soundchecking after her. She has great timing, apparently, because the door opens and, behind a few scraggly band members she can’t remember the names of, he steps out in Nike shorts and a pink hoodie that makes her release a funny noise from the back of her throat.

She studies him, the way he turns and responds to one of his friends with a barking laugh that makes him throw his head back. He runs up behind another one and claps a hand on his shoulder, facing away from her so she can’t see him but she imagines he looks like he’s having the time of his life.

That 3pm wave of indescribable sadness is ebbing closer and if she doesn’t head it off at the pass, it’ll crush her. She licks her lips and lies face up on the mattress over her Egyptian cotton sheets, feeling a rush of relief in her veins like heroin when her headphones go on and the music starts.

She closes her eyes and rests a hand in her stomach while the other rakes through her hair. When she’s this far away from everything, she can pretend the hand doesn’t belong to her, that it’s someone else doing a job she’s done her whole life – soothing her, talking her off a ledge.

“I pretend that I’m not ready, why do we put each other through hell? Why can’t we just get over ourselves?”

+

Shawn lives for the feeling he gets before a big show, and there’s no show bigger to him than a tour opener.

He’s been bouncing off his dressing room walls for hours, it feels like. He’s so jazzed by the thrumming in the walls of the Ziggo Dome as it fills to the brim with tens of thousands of screaming fans that came to see him. He can’t imagine this level of energy coming from anywhere else. It’s fucking addictive. He wishes everyone could try it.

When a team of women looking solemn storm past his open door, he knows Emma is near. Sure enough, his room of band mates and other team members falls silent as she brushes past the door, flanked by her manager and her vocal coach.

She’s dressed for the show in a spangley blue dress and matching high tops. Her hair is blown out and her eye make-up is dark. As she passes the door in a long, modelesque stride, they lock eyes for only a fraction of a second before she’s looking away like she didn’t see him. He shivers.

“She’s really starting to freak me out,” Zubin mutters.

Shawn frowns. “She’s just… cold,” he mutters, puzzled.

“Fucking frigid,” Geoff replies sharply, disapprovingly, “A girl that pretty can’t be that mean, it’s so wrong.”

“She’s not mean,” Shawn defends, sitting backwards in a chair so he can lean his chest on the back panel, “I mean, she hasn’t been mean, she just hasn’t been friendly.”

“She’s barely said a word to anyone but her team since she got here. And have you seen the way she looks at them? She’s an ice queen,” Mike reasons.

Shawn knows it’s pointless but something in him wants to fight for her, fight for something in her he hasn’t even seen yet. But he’s heard her sing so he knows it’s in there.

He shrugs, noncommittally. “I’m gonna go watch her set from sidestage.”

He’s joined by the others because they’re curious to see if this lovely Fembot can put on a show. They crowd their way out into position as her music comes on. He recognizes the track from the first season’s soundtrack, her first top 10 Billboard single. He rolls his eyes at himself for how familiar he’s become with her career. He pretends it’s simply research, that it’s good sense to know about his opening act. If he’s honest, that’s not it entirely.

He makes sure she can’t see them before she walks out – he doesn’t want to make her nervous. If she’s anything like he was during his first arena show, she’s shaking like a leaf right now.

But she could’ve fooled him. She struts out onto the stage, bouncing in her cute sneakers and waving like she’s Taylor fucking Swift. And she might as well be because even though she’s the opener, at least half the stadium is shrieking her name. It’s this funny hybrid of “Emma!” and “Becky!” that, amplified, sounds more like “EMKY!”

He feels like he’s watching “Camp Rock” or something. Every move is choreographed, every line screamed to the crowd is rehearsed. Her dancing is perfect. Her pitch is on point. She might actually be an automaton after all. He’s pretty convinced until she reaches the last song of her set.

The dancers flee. Someone runs a vibrant yellow acoustic guitar out and she slides it on like it’s an extension of her. He shifts uncomfortably because he’s kind of turned on.

She pulls two pins out of her hair he couldn’t see were stuck in there and her hair falls longer and looser around her lightly bronzed arms. She smiles as the crowd cheers and murmurs something into the mic about “slowing things down for a sec” and it’s still practiced but he hears something in her voice he hasn’t yet and he’s hooked.

She swings the guitar behind her back and kneels, unlacing her sneakers. She kicks them off and stuffs her little white socks inside. Shawn and his whole group are silent, watching her with fascination. She stands upright, barefoot and gives the crowd the first genuine smile he’s seen on her. It takes his fucking breath away.

She shifts back and forth from the balls of her feet to her heels, sliding the guitar back into place across her stomach. She begins strumming softly and he recognizes the opening chords to “How I’ve Been.” He knows it well, it’s his favorite. It’s the seventh track on her third soundtrack album and the only one he’s found that boasts her as its only writing credit.

She bobs her head with the music and he finds himself joining her. She balances the guitar on her right hip, her right foot lifting onto her toes as she strums. He watches the shimmering sequins wriggle over the backs of her long, butter-soft legs. Shawn actually feels his stomach flip like he hasn’t in a very long time.

Emma’s voice is deep and throaty on this track. He loves the way it sounds in his headphones but even more now when she’s singing it live and he can hear it vibrating out of her chest. He wants to rest his head there while she sings to him but he shakes that idea as quickly as it comes and focuses. Eddy nudges his arm and makes a surprised and impressed face. Shawn quickly nods and looks back at her, unwilling to be distracted from this.

She’s here now, he can feel it, in a way she hasn’t been the whole show. The whole two days they’ve been at the venue. She’s commanding the stage in a way he didn’t learn to do at all while he was an opener, and arguably not until well into his first headlining tour. But she’s crooning into the mic like an old fucking pro, planting her feet wide and throwing vocal runs into the song that aren’t on the recorded version.

He hears himself whoop from the sidelines and he doesn’t care that his bandmates are eyeing him suspiciously. He claps loud even though he knows she can’t hear him. He’s just happy to witness this.

Her last run is the most impressive and has the whole crowd on its feet. When her voice fades, the cheering doesn’t. She lifts the guitar by the neck and grins genuinely, laughing and waving. He hears himself laughing and glances around. The guys are swept along, too, smiling and nodding to each other, mumbling about “hey, that was pretty fuckin’ good.” She’s won them all over, it seems. Shawn is content.

After a quick, humble bow, she grabs her shoes and scurries off. As she’s approaching their side of the stage, she’s still smiling down at her feet, watching where she’s walking until she sees a big group of man legs and stops dead, her smile dropping off instinctively.

“Awesome job!” Shawn practically squeals, stepping up to give her a quick, friendly hug. It’s awkward around her pretty yellow guitar and because she totally freezes when she sees him.

When he pulls back to chat with her about the set, she’s gone. Not physically, she’s still there, but whoever she was on stage might still be floating around out there in the ether, away on the wind, because she’s definitely not in Emma’s body.

Her expression is flat. She manages a dead smile and a nod. “Thanks, man. Have a good show.”

She steps aside, nodding politely at the other members of the band before stalking away, still barefoot, still sparkling. Her cast of creatures hustles behind her to keep up with her enormous steps back to her dressing room.

Shawn’s eyebrows are pulled together in thought as they wade back through the twisting backstage hallways for the last few minutes of pre-show prep, complete with rituals and superstitions. He needs to shake this weirdness before he gets out there. He wonders if he’ll catch a little bit of her, the one he saw during the last song, when he’s out there. Maybe it’s like a pixie dust he’ll breathe in and he’ll feel again like he did when he was watching her.

He doesn’t spend much time wallowing in his bewilderment, there’s too much to do. Between Andrew and the band, he’s fully occupied, no room for powerwalking blondes with long fingers and bare feet. They herd up the way they always do and prowl to the stage. The full power of the pre-show ecstasy overtakes him. He’s drunk with it, drumming his hands on his thighs, nodding his head impatiently. He’s handed a perfectly tuned electric by a tech named Joey and grins wildly, thanking him by name, which seems to take him by surprise.

When the lights go down, his heart roars in his chest. He bounces on his toes and throws his head back, shaking his hair and feeling the fire crawl up his veins.

He jogs out onstage, momentarily overwhelmed, like he always is, every night without fail, at the screams. They’re screaming for him. That’ll never not be so fucking cool.

He greets the Dutch crowd to raucous cheers and starts playing “Lost in Japan.”

He forgets to look for her until after the second song once the jitters have faded a little into welcome energy. He looks forward to her reaction and hopes she’s having a good time. He glances to the side he stood on earlier and doesn’t see her. He turns and looks the other way and frowns.

He tries not to wonder about it as he starts in on “Why” and curls a hand around the microphone with a guitar pick between his fingers. He looks down at the VIP section, assuming she wanted a better vantage point.

But no Emma.

He’s definitely thrown but continues on, willing himself to forget her absence until he’s lost in the show again.

It’s a great tour opener. Amsterdam is such a fun crowd. He thanks them profusely after his encore and jogs off, handing the guitar off again with another “thanks, Joey,” which earns him a wholehearted “great show, Shawn.”

Andrew greets him excitedly with words of genuine praise that Shawn doesn’t really register.

“Thanks, man,” he laughs, nodding at him, “Hey, did Emma leave?”

Andrew keeps his gaze level, shrugging. “She didn’t stay for your set.”

Shawn blinks. “She didn’t stay? At all?”

Andrew shakes his head. Shawn’s parted lips shut and he hums, trying to sound disinterested.

“Kay. Let’s bounce, I’m fuckin’ sweaty!”

His words are stilted and he knows if he can hear it, so can Andrew, but he doesn’t acknowledge it.

After some good-natured monkeying around and a beer or two, Shawn strips off his sweaty show clothes and showers off, letting himself think about Emma again. He wonders why she didn’t stay. Maybe she wasn’t feeling well? Maybe she’s got an early interview tomorrow, her single is dropping pretty soon, he thinks. The truth is, it doesn’t really matter. It’s impolite for an opener to leave before the headliner’s set, especially on the first show of the tour. It’s a weird vibe to throw out.

But he can’t stop thinking about her with that yellow guitar and her hair sticking to her back and her toes curled against the dirty stage floor for balance. He grows a little hard under the hot water at the thought. He throws the temperature to the cold setting, blasting himself as he plants his hands against the tile wall, breathing slowly. When it’s so cold it sucks the air from his lungs, he shuts it off and steps out to dry off.

He walks past her bus that night with his hands in his pockets and his head in the stars. He notices a light on in the back where the lounge should be but he hears she converted it to a bedroom and he scoffed when he heard it from Geoff but he’s secretly a little jealous. As he walks closer, he hears music. He strains to place it. He lifts his eyebrows when he realizes it’s Tammy Wynette.

Frowning, he slumps off to his bus, feeling a little defeated. But the tour must go on.

Taglist: @the-claire-bitch-project @smallerinfinities @crapri @stillinskislydia @carlaimberlain @heavenly—holland @abigfatmess @rosecolouredtimes

#shawn mendes #shawn peter raul mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fan fic #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes fan fiction #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes rpf #shawn mendes angst #shawn mendes fic

[darlingnisi]

Celebration Day 2 : VIP Edition

Part 1 Here!

Concert Screening

Part 2 of Show 2 Piano and a Microphone Gala (Shout out to that one time when he looked directly into the camera as he sang something and caused me to slide down in my chair a bit...Professor geeez!)

Iconography Panel Steve Parke Nancy Bundt Terry Gydesen 

Nancy Bundt

She did the above photo

Was once offered a job to be art director for Jimmy Hendrix but turned it down because she was in college

First time shooting P was the 1984 birthday concert

There was a FABULOUS picture of Prince in a wide brimmed hat, shirtless, wearing a Pfunk flag around his neck. One arm had a net stocking and the other ripped nylon stocking. This look but a different view of just him with his arms up

Also shout out to the shirtless one that just showed the muscles in his back. Not my era visually, but I can appreciate art.

Terry Gydesen

Terry Gydsen did the pictures in the Sacrifice of Victor Book

Wasn’t a Prince fan before she worked for him

He won her over when he sat at a piano and played a classical sounding piece

Worked as Jesse Jackson’s photographer during his Presidential campaign in 1988

Got the traditional “can you come out and do a shoot tonight” call...she did not live in Minneapolis

Spent a month on the Act II tour in Europe

Was requested to take a picture of him in the mirror. She talked to herself while doing this and Prince thought it was funny

This was to be the original cover of the Sacrifice of Victor book 

Steve Parke

This was shot in the NPG Music club 

P made people delete pics of him at first when working on digitial, next day would say “can we get that one back?”

Changed his editing to just select ones he liked rather than one he didn’t like.

He asked Steve if he wanted to get in the water for these pics....Steve declined

Their general cadence was “meet down stairs, Prince is bored let’s get some shots.”

On the arboretum pics, they were taking some and heard some rustling in a nearby bush. Prince was ready to take off but Steve said “that guy doesn’t even know who you are! He’s here for the arboretum!”

Below is artwork before it was edited to be art for graffiti bridge. Prince saw and liked it, asked it to be edited to include characters from the movie. The GB version has Ingrid and Morris added, and the girl at the bottom’s face was edited to be Jill Jones. He had to sand out those areas and repaint them.

Q : How did you maintain your personal life while working with P?

Nancy - Took her husband with her on tour for 5 months. He was her assistant (ie held her legs while standing on chairs and other such things.) Back then they had time to be tourists in the cities they were in. Was not allowed to shoot aftershows.

Terry - There wasn’t a personal life. Mostly always on call for P. Was allowed to shoot aftershows. Told story of being by the stage taking pictures and P leaned over to tell her something she couldn’t hear. Eventually understood he was telling her to move around so she did...and got amazing pictures by doing things like climbing on railroad cars.

Steve - Was around all times of the day. Hans (a sound engineer) and him would try to leave and got called back...once they left and saw him driving toward Paisley in his Yellow BMW. Tried to lay low in their car to not be seen. Steve would get phone calls in the middle of the night while he was at home in Baltimore that were to the effect of “So that one line in the credits of that album, can we take this name out and put someone else in?” Generally would be woken out of a deep sleep and would have to call someone back to ask what he wanted again

After the panel was over, we took pictures with Wally.

Dance Panel

Maya Mclean 2005+ Nandy Mclean 2005+ Tomisina Tate (Geneva) 2000-2003

The whole panel was Q&A

Q : Did you have a part in choreography? Tomasina : He asked if she did her own choreography. She generally worked with choreographers and did not come up with her own. He told her “you’ll get broke off...” (meaning he’d pay her more). She learned how to do choreography, lol. 

Maya and Nandy : Fatima did some of their early stuff, but they took over from there. They’d show Prince their routines, and he’d make changes as needed after.

Q : What have you done since working with Prince Nandy : Film/TV behind the scenes. Executive produced Breakfast Can Wait with Maya. Did Photography she took this picture among others :

Worked on TV shows (Westworld), working on an Etta James movie (script in progress), is a life coach. 

Tomisina : Danced for others. Noted that he really brought her out of her shell. She didn’t sing much and he had her sing background on you got the look one day unexpectedly. Was in different singing groups later and danced for J Lo. Had a baby with her husband (Larenz Tate). Often baked treats for him and later his fellow cast members. Now runs an online bakery.

Maya : Released an album (with Nandy) also in film/tv (production assistant, second AD), also a life coach

Q : How did you meet Prince? Maya/Nandy : Fatima audition. THEIR FIRST PROJECT FOR HIM WAS FILMING A VIDEO FOR INCENSE AND CANDLES!!!! ALERT ESTATE ALERT!!! TROT THAT OUT IMMEDIATELY!!!!

Tomisina : Recieved a phone call to audition for Celebration in 2000. She was the only one there to audition when she arrived. Spent several days just hanging out, playing basketball, etc. She kept asking when she’d audition, he’d say “soon”. One day an hour before one of his Friday parties he said “U ready?” she had to dance for a jam session. Was nervous because she usually needs time to know what songs the schedule, etc. Wasn’t chosen to do the Celebration run but she did the Hitnrun tour.

Q : What did you take away from your time with Prince that you apply to your life?

Maya : Got a 2AM call from P “Hi. Whatever you say is true”. His voice sounded different so she didn’t recognize it. It sounded higher to her and he was out of breath. He said “I’ve been dancing in my mirror.” The message though was that whatever you say manifests so be careful with the words and energy you put out.

Nandy : When they were about to hit the stage for a show he said “I want you to be present”. Message there that thinking too far ahead or thinking about the past causes anxiety that makes you miss out on what you’re experiencing in the moment.

Tomisina : It was a turning point in his life so he was learning a lot. When leaning, he wanted to teach. She was easy going and didn’t like to be told what to do and was like “yeah yeah I get it” or “oh God I can’t take it anymore” Once she got older, a lot of what he’d said started to click. Also nobody called him Prince, just “dude” “dude is coming” “dude is back”. Overall though, she learned that there are NO excuses..and he brings something out of you that you didn’t know you had. (She idolized Cat and Mayte and wondered why he chose her.) He also taught her how to hear and appreciate music differently. (She teared up during this).

Q: Superbowl halftime show...which twin was it? Maya.

Q : What was his touch like?

Maya : She never had a sexual attraction to him except one time when they were in the NPG music club room and he was covering Elvis’s Teddy Bear on piano.

Tomisina : “Ya’ll assume a lot.” She’d just met her future husband when she started working with Prince and was totally infatuated with him. P and Tomisina had a brother/sister relationship and she seemed annoyed about this question. “ I was there for DANCE” eyeroll

They all commented that he had beautiful hands though.

Q :  What is the second most joyful memory you have of Prince?

Nandy : His laugh “HAAAAAAAAA” Tomisina : Practical Jokes Maya : “If you and your sisters were dogs, you’d be scottish terriers. If I was a dog, what would I be? AND DON’T SAY CHIHUAHUA!”

Prince on the Big Screen

So have seen this concept a few times now and the first few times were jarring to be honest. (Slightly traumatic the first time October 2016, tbh) but this was really REALLY well done!  You know how you’re at a concert but you can’t see well so you look at the screen instead sometimes? It was like that so it was very strange to look at the stage and not see him, as present as his voice sounded. The live band part really added to the experience...to watch a Prince concert without that accompaniment would have seemed incorrect since he was so much about “real music by real musicians”....a point they were sure to call out with him saying this during the intro. They also had a clip of him talking about a certain day he would celebrate...you know the one.... 

Important news about this though? They will tour it 2019. 10 for 10 would go again, and take anyone who did not get to go to a Prince concert for the shared experience. It’s the closest you’re going to get! For a taste, the concert was said to be a shortened version of a North Carolina show. We’ve seen parts of it like this :

And here’s the finale of Purple Rain (out of order with the actual setlist)

The entire concert was Prince being an absolute professional. He was cool/sexy/smooth and less of his goofy side to me. Had me on my toes like “Yes Professor” obeying every direction he gave us! Lol...

Part 3 here!

#Prince #Prince Celebration 2018 #Purple Homecoming 2018

[noexit-ff]

31. Part 3

I told Robyn about telling the family first before the world and now look, she has been on the phone non-stop. I have been trying to sleep but no, Robyn and her mom have been back and forth and then her auntie calls and then her grandfather, Robyn’ family is dramatic. My family just text me congratulations, my mom did call but I ain’t pick up. I told Robyn this and she didn’t listen, women never listen and I wish she would. I am sick of hearing but mommy, it is annoying. Least she has woke me up because Ant wanted to have breakfast with me down there, probably see the boys because I didn’t get to see them yesterday. I really wanted to tell family and friends first, shit would be better but Robyn was wanting to do it now, if I said no then she would drive me crazy until I say yes. But then again, it has sent a message of fuck you to the world, their stories seem to have changed into Chris Brown and Rihanna expecting their first child and that we are happily married but it wasn’t that yesterday. Turning the volume up on the TV from the bed, Robyn walked back into the bedroom “niggas give us too much power, I am telling you” we made the news, how can shit like this make the news. It’s fucking crazy, how much power we have, this shit is lethal “we actually made the news” Robyn said looking at the TV “I said we made the news mom, I am sorry” rolling my eyes, she can deal with that.

I am not leaving this bed, it’s barely turned nine, this is so wack. This is how early her family been bugging “why can’t you get the door?” Robyn questioned “with my dick out? No, you get it” grabbing Robyn’ pillow from the side of me and placing it behind my head, Robyn stormed off to open the door. I think people are just hype as fuck, I refuse to look at my phone until shit has calmed down. It’s mostly happiness though “it’s just me” hearing Jen say, everyone is awake today “busy night for us, morning Chris” smiling at Jen “you come to warm me up in bed?” pulling the cover back “weird thing, you know I had a dream about you” she pointed at me “ok, I need to go mom. I will call you, love you bye” Robyn finally getting off her phone “your family is so dramatic, I can’t be dealing with that shit” rubbing my head “but wait Robyn, please tell me about the dream. I want to know” grinning at Jen “a dream about Chris? Was I there?” Robyn said as she sat down on the bed “oh no, look it was just a dream. I don’t know why it came up” with the look on Jen’ face it was a nasty dream “you having freaky dreams about Chris Jen?” Robyn questioned, she is actually blushing “wow, bitch. Tell me. You lucky you my friend but tell me” busting out laughing “I like my meaty women too, more cushion” I winked at her “come on Jen, so tell” this is funny to me “it was not my fault ok, I went to sleep perfectly fine and then I wake up confused. Robyn was just saying about your tongue and I don’t know, god. I don’t know, I feel like a whore” Robyn looked at me and I looked at her, we both laughed “fuck you both, I don’t know why. I didn’t imagine having sex but it was leading up to the part, you was taking me out. Look fuck you both, I just can’t deal anymore” this is so funny “ok, so you had a wet dream about my tongue, I think there was more to it but it’s ok. Do you ma’am” poor Jen.

“Jen, you hot now? Taking your hoodie off and shit” she threw the hoodie at me “tell your husband off, please” Jen said to Robyn “leave her alone, so how come you are here early and you knew we was awake?” Robyn asked, placing Jen’ hood to the side of me “Chris was online on WhatsApp so I knew, so my phone been going off like shit. I am sure Ant has too, the hype is real. Every news outlet wants you, there has been nothing but praises and happiness. I think they get it, you ain’t playing. They want exclusive pictures, stories, interviews. E was the first, I said no of course. It’s up to you both on everything else, I got a call from Jay. He wants to see you Robyn and Chris. There has also been leaked gossip someone from Roc Nation must have overheard and told, because RCA contacted me and said about Rihanna, husband and wife together on the record label and I was like this has been less than twenty four hours, no. I have not been to sleep, I swear I am up to my eyeballs in coffee. Ant wants breakfast doesn’t he?” nodding my head at Jen “he said he got us a table, we have things to speak on. I have my interview but I cancelled it. I am not promoting the album anymore, I cancelled it all since everything popped off” rubbing my stubble “ok fine, so we need to get dressed and meet downstairs yes?” saluting Jen “unless you want to watch me get dressed? Only for you Jen” Robyn hit my arm “leave her, we will be there” I am going to tease her so much now.

Holding the door open for Robyn “come on, let’s go. What happened to wearing normal clothes? You still wearing my things” Robyn walked by me “I need to go shopping, you and I. Today” rolling my eyes mad hard, I wanted to chill with my friends because I never got to see them at all. Walking out of the room “how about you go with Jen and Mel? You know you are going with them anyways, why me?” walking around Robyn “so you don’t want to go shopping with me? I want to see some baby things too” Robyn is about to get offended if I say no, to save myself I will say yes “yes I do, I mean who wouldn’t want to go shopping with their wife” Robyn squinted her eyes at me “mhmmm” walking on to the elevator “what was your mom saying besides crying?” resting my back against the elevator “why didn’t you tell me, are we not close anymore. Why do this to me, I am crying. My first grandchild. I just said to my mom that I was scared, after everything that happened so she understood but then started again. I left my phone in the room, I keep getting calls about everything. I know it’s happiness and good things but I just want some peace now” she wants peace when I told her to do it my way, she deserves it but I won’t say anything.

Shaking Ant’ hand “Morning daddy” he said, busting out laughing “hey, I don’t need you to tell me that you are also having wet dreams about me too” walking down the table “shut up” hearing Jen say “niggas” dapping Lo, Sinko, Hood “what’s good daddy” shaking my head “nah, y’all can’t be doing this to me. Shut up” slapping the back of Sinko’ head “this is my nigga J” Lo pointed at this guy, I don’t even know who he is “cool” shaking his hand “Cass, Frank, Rich” walking back over to Robyn, she won’t be impressed if I do not sit next to her and we have business to discuss. Shuffling my chair in “this is lovely, we can stare into each other’s eyes” placing my hands under my chin staring at Jen “why are you like this?” sitting back in my chair laughing “Mel you hear this? Jen dreaming about me, when you said about my tongue she started getting wet over it” I yelped out “ooouch! My leg” leaning my hand down rubbing my leg “you will get more, shut up” Jen spat, Mel cackled “ I have two legs, I can kick you both” raising my hands “aight, I got you. I like it violent, it adds a little spice to the bedroom” Jen put a finger up at me.

Robyn took my glass of Orange Juice “why don’t you have your own?” wiping my mouth “there is none left, it all has been taken” placing the napkin in my plate “so your schedule is clear now, Jen and I have been speaking. You and Robyn are practically at the same point in things but we had a little disagreement, besides the Puma photoshoot you have nothing going on. You have time between now and April, I am saying for you to do a few festivals overseas. European tour. Leave America, that will bring you to April. If you do that then when the baby is born, give it a year. You and Rihanna can tour America together, then Rihanna can do Europe and you will have a free schedule to be a dad at home. Now Jen doesn’t agree and said do a tour all the way through, I personally think that is too much. The baby will be everywhere, you both constantly will be busy. You told me that you don’t want a carer for the baby so I think this will work” Ant has made good points “what if I want to take the baby with me to Europe?” Robyn said “then you will have Chris to be there and look after the baby, you both can do what you like. That is fine but that is my idea, speaking to Chris’ record label they are happy with it” I agree with Ant “I want my baby with me” Mel looked at me and I looked at her “speak on it” Mel said to me, I don’t like upsetting Robyn “look” shifting in my seat “we are having a baby, I want this baby to have the both of us but at times that won’t happen” staring into Robyn’ eyes “what are you trying to say?” licking my lips “that I don’t think I want our child to be hopping in and out of tour buses, one minute cold and the next we in a hot country. We get stressed out just touring. If we are both performing constantly then what about the baby? Who’s watching him or her when we are on stage. We going to be too tired, I don’t want to travel with the baby like that overseas” Robyn is not pleased “this is something we can discuss later though” Jen said “no, we need to speak on it now because he needs to sell tickets” Ant didn’t tell me it would be this difficult “only you and Robyn can tell us what you want” Robyn is already not happy.

Getting up from the chair “come” holding Robyn’ hand to get up “we will be back” intertwining our fingers together as I pulled Robyn along, we need to speak away from everyone “oohh sorry” this white lady hit into me and then looked up at me “it’s ok” walking around her “oh my, that is Chris Brown” hearing her say, walking up the steps “where are we going” turning the corner and seeing the lobby seating area “just here” letting go of Robyn’ hand as we both sat down “we need to talk on this, together. I don’t want you upset with me, I agree with Ant and I know you don’t. We having a baby together and we need to decide on shit together” I know my wife, she is not happy “I don’t really want to leave the baby with you, I will miss it so much” nodding my head “and I get it, unless you don’t think I will be good on my own? I won’t be offended?” I will be offended “no, you will be fine. What about the scans? I like to have you around me” holding Robyn’ hand “I will go after the gender reveal party? Things should be settled, I want you to be happy. If you don’t agree then say it” kissing Robyn’ cheek “he’s not wrong but I will miss you, fine. Let it happen that way” she knows it’s logical.

Sitting back down at the table “do it that way Ant, it’s fine” I said placing my arm behind Robyn’ chair “so what about Jay wanting to meet you?” Jen asked, Robyn looked a little taken back by him wanting to see her “why?” Robyn questioned and Jen shrugged, Robyn looked at me “what do you think I should say?” she asked, she is asking me “deep down, fuck him. Say no, but I will agree to what you want” Robyn nodded her head “I decline it” Jen looked down typing something out “next one, are you wanting to do interviews, any at all? They want you both, paying a lot?” Robyn and I looked at each other “for now no” I said to Robyn “then no” Robyn said “ok fine, so is everything just going to be what ever you both want to put out on social media yourselves right?” Jen said, nodding my head “I don’t care about nothing, they the same ones to jump on my dick about cheating and now they all want a interview, I am out” Robyn rested her head on my shoulder “are you leaving the label? This is the question I need to know” Jen questioned Robyn “I just need time to digest things, I need to speak on things so hold out. I will tell you” there is a lot going on right now.

Feeling a nudge at the side of me, turning my head and seeing Sinko. He walked off “I will see you in the hotel room babe, I just need to speak to Sinko” I said to Robyn “I will be there” pressing a kiss to Robyn’ lips, she looked at Sinko and pulled a face “ok fine” she let my hand go, pulling my sweatpants up a little walking over to him “got a blunt nigga?” he asked, shaking my head “nothing with me, where we going?” he walked outside the hotel “Cass is here, we good” looking behind me seeing Cass behind, chucking to myself looking through the window and Robyn is still looking at me, she worries too much “let’s just stay here” Cass said “we need to go back in” Cass is right we do “just wanted to get some air with you, you know. You be too covered in Barbados” side eyeing him “you mean my wife, when she is around I got to give her my attention. She is carrying my future” Sinko lit the blunt “you want some?” shaking my head “what’s up anyways?” it’s kind of cold out here “just wanted to speak to you, you doing anything today?” I paused thinking “oh yeah, shopping with the wife” Sinko snorted laughing “we might as well go with you, we need to get some things. I mean me of course. But I’ll come along” this is random, why drag me out here to tell me this “you know that nigga Adam, I can get bloods to get him? He wont fuck with you again” stuffing my hands in my pockets “I don’t think he will fuck with me again, it’s cool” I think shit just needs to calm down now, I don’t want it to get deeper.

Closing the door behind me “I told you I would be back” walking into the room “oh baby” seeing Robyn in nothing but her panties “your nipples have gone different you know, can we have sex? Just quickly, please” Robyn covered her boobs with her arm “no” stepping in front of her so she can’t go to the bathroom “I said please, please? Why did you look at me like that through the window? It was odd” lifting my hand up, pushing Robyn’ arm away from her boobs “I don’t know, I just had a weird feeling. I didn’t want you to be with him” she shrugged “weird, so can we have sex now? You’re already naked, show me your nipples. Let me suck, why you playing for?” she is being mad annoying “because I want to go shopping and yeah” mean mugging Robyn “seriously? I have not seen you in ages and you won’t have sex with me? What’s wrong? Are you shy? Upset?” I think there is something with her “nothing, just don’t want sex” looking at Robyn so confused “ok” I am turned off now so it doesn’t matter “didn’t think you would be back so quick” is she hiding from me, I am deflated now so it doesn’t matter.

I am not over Robyn shutting me down with having sex, that shit is so wack to me “y’all got a whole convoy of SUVs out there” Ant said “yeah the boys are coming with us that is why” the elevator doors opened, letting the ladies get off first “you want those dumb ass niggas with y’all? I am going to RCA” I shrugged “they want to come, extra bodies bro. I will call you, we could do something later” walking the lobby “alright, go and have fun shopping” the boys got up from the seats in the lobby, all I can say is my wife is back. She is wearing a long tee but I think it is not long enough, her legs are out. An oversized black blazer and white heels. She should cover herself up but she is her own boss, the tee is a little tight though “boss” Rich said smiling at me, he held the door open for us “congratulations Chris, you’re going to be a father. How do you feel?” the paparazzi guy shouted “you tell me?” I said “are you excited Chris? Rihanna! You look beautiful” I wish they would hurry up and get in the car so I can get in the car and stop hearing the bullshit behind me “Chris, how are you feeling?” climbing into the SUV finally.

I should have went with the boys, the girls are just complaining at the fact the boys are coming but they are my homies. They cool and they can protect them all, they will do anything to protect the people I love. I am just quiet as fuck, I am still not happy with Robyn denying me of sex like that. She can’t be doing that to me, that is bullshit. I want sex, I love sex and Robyn knows it. My phone started ringing in my hand, seeing that Lo is calling “nigga” answering the call “we got left behind, paparazzi are no joke. They followed you, where you going?” I paused not knowing, looking behind me and not at Robyn “where we going shawty?” I said to Jen “Barneys” winking at Jen “Barneys, meet y’all there” disconnecting the call “wow, not speaking to me then” Robyn said to me, placing my phone on my leg “you tell me” I shrugged “because I said no to sex? You have a face on?” I don’t know why she is saying it when she already knows the shit, looking out of the window “look at me” Robyn said, turning my head looking at Robyn “don’t do me like that Chris, I need you even at times when I can’t give you sex” she said in a whisper “can’t or won’t?” I said back “won’t, I don’t feel good in myself. I am going through changes and at times I don’t want to have sex because I don’t feel sexy Chris, do you just want me to lay there for you? Is that it? My body doesn’t feel sexy for you, what don’t you understand?” nodding my head “I do, it’s ok when you are feeling horny and jumping on my face and shit. Ok Robyn” I don’t even want to know “you’re not the nigga carrying our fucking baby Chris, I am going through this. Yes you right, I was fucking horny because my hormones are going though shit but ok. I hear you, don’t worry. I will lay there with my legs open to get your quick nut” Robyn is so frustrating, let me just be quiet “now you want to be quiet after you made such a remark, whatever nigga” there is no stopping Robyn now.

While Robyn is shopping let me call my mom back, I am bored already. Pressing my phone to my ear, my mom is going to be unimpressed with how long I waited to call her “ooohhh my baby boy, I am so happy for you” my mom half shouted in my ear, chuckling down the phone “thank you mom, shit has been so crazy. I wanted to tell you in person but Robyn was done hiding, this is some real crazy shit for me ma. I am going to be a dad, I have to be responsible for a little kid that is mine” my mom cooed out “this is your calling baby, you need this. You need a mini you Christopher, you are going to be so good. I am over the moon, your sister and I cannot wait to see you. I am going to be a grandma, I have been wanting to be a grandma for so long Chris. I don’t want you to ever think you can’t be a good dad because you will be” seeing my homies, they took forever to come. Dapping Sinko “thank you mom, you know I appreciate you. I may need you at times, I am so overjoyed though. I do hope we have a girl, she finna have your nasty ass laugh” my laughed out loud “see, nasty ass laugh” laughing with my mom “shut up you, come home soon baby. I am so happy for you both” I can tell in my mom’ voice she is so happy “thank you, see you soon mom. Love you” checking on what Robyn is doing, she is still talking “love you too, bye” disconnecting the call “y’all took forever” the store assistant walked by us “she looking like a meal” Lo spat, I ain’t finna look at what he is looking at.

Walking by Robyn, Mel and Jen “he is paying so it’s ok” Robyn said “get them” Mel looked at me laughing “shut up bitch, I can pay for my own shit” Robyn is so damn annoying at times “y’all look lost, I don’t why they came” let me just go back to my homies, she is ready to have another argument “you know this is wack, we should be doing our own thing. You just whipped” waving Sinko off “you want me to explain again to you? You came here, I didn’t ask for you. You right, I am whipped but married to Rihanna wouldn’t you be?” Hood whistled “I would be crawling on my knees my nigga, slave shit” Hood spat, he is a dumbass anyways. Turning around “do any of you want any help in the men’s department at all? It can be a little boring here, I can tell you all the latest things we have” rubbing my chin laughing but my laugh soon stopped, this is a joke. This is not real, how can Jessica be here. My eyes went to Robyn and then back to Jessica, is this a joke “ooohhh shit, Chris’ fuck girl and wife in one place” walking by the assistant, rushing over to Robyn because I want to go now “y’all ready to pay now?” I said whie looking over at Jessica, she looked at me and had the nerve to wave “barely that, I need to find more things. Make yourself useful and look at things” placing my arm around Robyn’ shoulders “now you want you to touch me, I am still annoyed” I feel like Jessica wants something to happen, I don’t know. She seems reckless, pressing a kiss to Robyn’ cheek but my eyes never leaving Jessica. Clocking Mel watching me and she looked at what I am looking at, she looked at me and I reached over placing my hand over her mouth. Jen pulled a face at me “what are you doing?” Jen asked “I was just playing” moving my hand away from Mel’ mouth, Mel just stared at me.

Robyn shrugged her shoulder “your weight on me, I didn’t say you can touch me. You have been rude” why is this bitch coming closer, she is crazy and I don’t like it “Chris” hearing Cass say, looking behind me. He pointed at Jessica, turning my head “Robyn, I am going to tell you something but you can’t pop off” Robyn froze with the heel in hand “I am holding a heel so be careful what comes out of your mouth” Robyn is always violent somehow “I don’t know how this happened” seeing Cass walking over to Jessica, he is getting rid of her. Feeling Robyn’ hand on my chin dragging my head back to her “speak” but then seeing Robyn’ facial expression change “is that the bitch, that is her isn’t it?” I cringed “Cass is dealing with it” Robyn hit my face away “I said what I said” Robyn threw the heel, did she just hit my face “Robyn, don’t you dare” Mel chased after her friend, the store assistant helping Robyn just stared at me and I looked at him “Cass, you fucking get the fuck out of my way. That bitch kissed my husband, who are you protecting you dumbass!? Me or her, move and that shit is an order” jogging by the clothes “just because I am Rihanna don’t mean I won’t hit a bitch” I gasped seeing Robyn grip Jessica’ braided hair and punched her straight in the mouth, pushing by Mel as Robyn kept punching “Robyn, let it go. Stop it” grabbing Robyn’ wrist so she can stop punching “your husband tasted good bitch” Jessica started throwing her arms around and I know where she is aiming “let it go now!” I half shouted at Robyn, she let her hair go and pushed at my chest storming off. Jessica fell to the ground at the side of me “she pass out?” Cass said looking down at her, Jessica moved her head “she is alive, get rid of her” walking off.

How is this bitch still following me, she is still being bold as fuck for what “I want your security camera recordings, don’t fuck with my niggas. Frank, get that shit. I ain’t having another headline” walking towards to Jen “why is she blaming me? The fuck did I do?” walking into the changing room, luckily this department been dead from when we entered, but how did Jessica get on the floor “I’ll go” Mel said, walking around Robyn to see her face “I don’t want to see you, the last person I want to even speak too. You have been bugging me since this morning, you want to go on tour, then you want sex and you get mad at me and now this bitch!” rubbing my face “will you shut the fuck up about our sex life, act right ok? They can fucking hear, I don’t want it. I am sick of your stank attitude, don’t talk down to me saying I will lay there just for me to bust a quick nut, it’s never like that. I never do you wrong, I never said that shit to you but you do me!? Are you being real, I swear to god Robyn you shout again about our sex life I am walking off, act right. Not some ghetto hoodrat, I know you did what you did out there but stop it” Robyn looked down at the ground not saying a word back “you’re mad stupid for even attempting to hit a bitch that is obsessed with me because if she hit your stomach, then what? You don’t think” Robyn got up from the couch “I am a shit person, I get it” I don’t know what the fuck Robyn is going through but I don’t know what to do, she keep on walking off too.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Fanfiction

[callmeblake]

minutenmusik: Hi Frank. Thank you for taking your time!

Frank: It is a pleasure.

minutenmusik: You are on tour with Dave Hause & The Mermaid, The Homeless Gospel Choir and The Paceshifters at the moment. How is that tour so far?

Frank: Amazing! It is the first tour I have ever done with Paceshifters. They are a fantastic band. They have not been doing it for a really long time. I became familiar with them, because we are label mates. So that is very cool. Just to see them is awesome.

Derek [Zanetti, The Homeless Gospel Choir] and I been friends for a very long time. We toured together a bunch. It is always nice to have close friends around. With Dave Hause & The Mermaid we did a tour in the states with them supporting us. It was so much fun. So we wanted to do it again. We decided to bring this over to the UK, then Europe and then go back to the UK tomorrow.

minutenmusik: Sounds great! In the last year you unfortunately hat a terrible accident. We really hope you do well and recovered.

Frank: That is right. Thanks man. Yeah, it is weird. It is an uphill battle.

minutenmusik: I can imagine that. But after the accident, is playing live now different for you mentally?

Frank: Definitely. Everything changes, when you had an experience like that. It is not just playing. Your entire life changes. Sometimes it is for the better, sometimes it is just different. But the live shows are definitely a lot different. There is things I cannot do anymore. When your body goes through that much trauma, it affects everything. Sometimes the things you took for granted now really hurt. They do not feel right anymore.

I feel like exponentially this gets worse the more you tour. When you are on tour you try to take care for yourself as much as you can. At home you have a routine and can go see physical therapists and get the help you need. When you hurt yourself on tour, you just can get in your bunk and have to try it again the next day. You just keep putting a bandage on a bigger problem. That shit catches up to you.

minutenmusik: So is there anything the happening changed in your mindset?

Frank: Absolutely. I asked myself – when we survived this, this experience people did not think we  should have survived – why? Why are we still here? Is there a bigger purpose? Is there a specific thing we are supposed to be doing? We go through that a lot.

Another part of you is thinks about, what if we did not survive? (laughs) Is this all an alternate reality or dreamscape? That shit drives you nuts, because alternately what are you gonna do? You have to live your life for yourself and if this is real or not, you are here – wherever you are. You have to not let it consume every second. People say, that every moment is precious, but sometimes you just wanna make yourself a sandwich and watch TV. If you feel like you are wasting time then, you gonna drive yourself absolutely insane. So you have to push a lot of it out of your head, but yeah – everything is different. I do not take a lot things for granted anymore. And some shit I take really for granted. (laughs) I do not give a shit about certain things anymore.

minutenmusik: I think it is the same with being ill. When you are not you really take everything you do for granted, but when you get ill and cannot do these things anymore, you begin to realize how great it is do really do that stuff and being able to do it.

Frank: Yeah, exactly. This true, man. All this time you spend, pleasing other people and arbitrary dumb shit you are worried about – fuck that! No, I have no time for bad vibes. No time for bad times.

minutenmusik: Lets change the topic to something more positive! Before releasing your last album „Parachutes“ you changed the name of your band from “frnkiero andthe cellabration“ to “Frank Iero And The Patience“. Where did that name change origin from?

Frank: The idea behind that is, that every time you make a record you reinvent yourself and change the way you approach it. I like the idea of going to the studio and coming out as a different person, a different band. And the sound changes and evolves. Sometimes it is holding you back, calling it the same. I am not doing that. There is no rules here. Every time if I am gonna go there and burn down the past and thinking about future, I am going to call it something different.

“Patience” was something I felt like I needed at that moment. The first time around I felt like I needed the celebration and party vibes to kinda distract from my inability to control me. I felt like I needed to be on at all times. This time I did not give a shit about that. I just wanted to take my time and appreciate the now. I have three kids, so I can use a lot of patience. (laughs)

minutenmusik: As you mentioned before the sound of your second record “Parachutes“ is quite different to your first record “Stomachaches“. Do you already have plans where to move with your next record? Will there maybe be another change of sound and another name change?

Frank: Yes and yes! What exactly that is, I do not know. It is weird. I have this idea in my head, whether that will transcribe into real life I do not know until I really get down into it. There is a very well chance, that it might not work. (laughs) But that is the fun! I decided though, that after this year I am gonna take some time. I do not know how long that is going to be, but it just gonna be time for myself. I am sure I am gonna be creating at home, because I am a miserable fucker if I’m not. I am gonna be working on it and make sure something comes.

minutenmusik: Ok! A few weeks ago you released an EP called “Keep The Coffins Coming“ with three new songs. Did this songs came up when you made “Parachutes“ or are these fresh ones?

Frank: It was in between touring “Stomachaches” and recording “Parachutes”. There was this spirit in trying to figuring out what the next thing is gonna be. I made a bucket list with my manager Paul [Clegg]. The one thing I said I really wanted to do, was I wanted to receive our beating. I have been writing songs and I was not exactly sure, what it meant or where it was going, but I knew, that this batch of songs would be fantastic for Steve [Albini, Producer of the EP] to work on. So we called him up and he had time and wanted us to come in. I rented a U-Haul [Company] trailer and I drove to Chicago, like, 90 Miles an hour. (laughs)

We were out there for a weekend and recorded within three days. Yeah and that is the session. So basically that session is, what got me from point A being “Stomachaches” to point B being “Parachutes”. It was a dream come true session, but I also thought it would be really cool to release, because it shows the bridge between the two projects.

minutenmusik: Sounds like a great weekend. You obviously played in many different countries over the last few years. How do your crowds in these countries differ from your point of view?

Frank: It is funny, because in America our states are close together, but as far as countries go, we are really spread out. Here you guys are very very close. So when you go a minimum amount of miles or a couple of hours in one direction and people are drastically different. I love that about Europe!

But it takes some time to get used to, when you play, because there are certain countries, where people are really into the songs and when the song is done they are fucking dead silent. That is really weird. Some people are really boisterous, which is different. I think navigating that is a learning curve. As a young band you are unsure wether people like your set or not. The older I get, the more I live inside my own head and do not determine a good show by how a crowd acts or participates, because it is different everywhere – especially over here. So to me a good show is, if what happens on stage goes the way I want it to go. (laughs)

But yeah, it is funny man. I feel like in the UK and in Germany the crowds for example are drastically different. The kids in the UK go fucking apeshit. German kids are a little bit more reserved – at least at the shows I played and that I have seen. I remember last time we been over we have seen Youth Of Today and it was pretty reserved even for Trash Talk. It was crazy. You guys are like “We just wanna have a good time. You do your thing, we do our thing.“ and that is cool man. If that is what you wanna do, when you go to a show, no one should make you feel like you should fucking do anything else.

minutenmusik: It also depends on which city you go to. Each city over here has its own crowds at shows.

Frank: You are absolutely right. Each one has their value and their matter and their fun. You just have to find it. That is our job – to adept to the different cities, because we are the ones, that are traveling through.

minutenmusik: You take a stand for the LGBT-Community and live a vegetarian lifestyle…

Frank: Yeah, I feel like, if you can live your life in a way, that is positive and does not harm anybody, that is a wonderful existence. I try to do that, but I feel like labels and stuff like that are hard, because I do not really wanna be put in any kind of box on anything. But yeah, I try my best.

minutenmusik: It is a good thing! But lets come to the question. Do you believe, that you as a musician can influence peoples minds?

Frank: I think anyone, who reaches many people, has an ability to influence people. Do I think, that they all should? No. It is rough, because with great power comes great responsibility. If you are gonna get up there and you gonna speak to a lot of people, you should have something positive to come of it. I get, that some people just wanna be in a fucking band and just write songs. At some point you realize, that there are ears that are listening. If you can use your time wisely in a positive way, that benefits everybody.

minutenmusik: You are a role model for many people. Do you sometimes feel pressure being that role model?

Frank: I feel pressure being a role model for my children. With everything else, the only thing I can do, is live my life the way I think I should – in a way that I think they would be proud of me. But we are all human beings. We need the ability to fuck up a bit. That is part of life. I think we live in a age, where people are very quick to being offended and hateful of things. It is a very volatile time – and I get that – but I think, that we need to cut each other a little bit of slack. I think the most important thing is to treat people the way you would want to be treated.

minutenmusik: I wish you got luck with the show and that is it. Thank you.

Frank: Thank you!

#frank iero #interview #minutenmusik #germany #2017 #october 2017

[introvertedlionprince]

Tagged by @becausebutt-thatswhy

Rules: answer 30 questions and tag 10 people you’d like to know more about! 

1. Nicknames: Andi, Rach, Rae

2. Gender: Transguy

3. Sign: Leo 

4. Height: 5′6″

5. Time: 11:03 AM

6. Birthday: August 14th (Monday!)

7. Favorite Bands: Mindless Self Indulgence, Linkin Park, Yoko Kanno, Halsey, Big Bang, Incubus, f(x), K Flay... I could go on lol

8. Favorite Solo Artist: Oh, wait, like... ugh, they’re up there ^^ already. 

9. Song Stuck in My Head: Before My Body is Dry from the Kill la Kill soundtrack (Don’t lose your WAAAAAAAAAY!)

10, Last Movie I Watched: Mad Max: Fury Road

11. Last Show I Watched: Kuroko no Basket 

12. When Did I Create My Blog: This blog, about 8 months ago? Maybe? I had a tumblr before that that I created in like, 2013, but I deleted it. 

13. What Do I Post: Killing Stalking bullshit, other fandom nonsense, funny shit, stuff I like. Idk. 

14. Last Thing You Googled: How to spell “Kuroko no basket” lol

15. Do You Have Any Other Blog: Not anymore. 

16. Do You Get Asks: I got a couple asks a while ago? Not any recently though. 

17. Why Did You Choose Your URL: Well, I wanted just LionPrince, but that was taken *shakes fist* so I tacked on the introverted because it’s true. Mostly I just like lions too much. 

18. Following: 320

19. Followers: 69 eeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

20. Favorite Color: Gray, orange, purple. Not necessarily in that order nor all at once. 

21. Average Hours Of Sleep: Like, 6 maybe? I stay up real late for a night then go to bed super early the next night and sorta alternate so that’s probably a good average. 

22. Lucky Number: 14 I guess. When I turned 14 years old I decided that that was the absolute best age to be for no reason whatsoever, so, there ya go. 

23. Instruments: Alto sax in jazz and marching band in high school, clarinet in concert band, then marching band for less than a semester in college cuz shit was fucked up man. I also dabble in piano and I sing. 

24. What Am I Wearing: Slytherin sweat pants from Hot Topic and a baggy tank top with a picture of a pineapple on it. 

25. How Many Blankets Do You Sleep With: Right now, in the fucking heat of summer NONE but when it’s cold like, 2. 

26. Dream Job: Rock star. Or, more realistically, author and writing professor. 

27. Dream Trip: Just one??? I guess a tour around Europe would be fucking amazing. But also Japan and South Africa and I wanna see the pyramids too. 

28. Favorite Food: Lasagna. And Pad Thai. And sushi. And coffee. 

29. Nationality: American, unfortunately. 

30. Favorite Song: Again, one???? I guess I’ll go with Miss Missing You by Fall Out Boy since that’s currently what I’ve had on repeat. 

Thanks for tagging me Jack! I don’t think I know 10 people to tag sooooo I’ll go with @squerl @clumsybutstillcute aaaaaand @dangersiren

#ask meme #answered #me

[sinceileftyoublog]

Lonnie Holley Interview: Big Ears Festival

Lonnie Holley & The Messthetics @ The Mill & Mine, Big Ears Festival 2019

BY JORDAN MAINZER

His artistic history is well documented, but it bears repeating every time: Lonnie Holley began making art out of tragedy, when he carved headstones for the children of his sister, too poor to afford them. That creative process lead to his interest in sculpture with found art, and museums’ subsequent interest in him, leading to exhibitions and retrospectives. In the meantime, he had been experimenting with music for years with a Casio keyboard he found, not releasing anything until 2012′s Just Before Music, followed by 2013′s Keeping a Record of It (and a Big Ears Festival appearance). But last year’s astounding MITH felt like a culmination of his career: improvised synths, soulful vocals, and a newfound urgency inspired by the social ills surrounding the election and its aftermath.

At this year’s Big Ears Festival, Holley started his collaborative set with The Messthetics at The Mill & Mine with his back to the crowd, eventually sitting down to provide his signature mix of warbling keys, whistling, and warmth, shedding a tear when he came “back up to consciousness” to say hi to the crowd. It was a remarkably humanistic set backed by the fascinating tumult of The Messthetics. Best, it was unique, a one-time-only performance, a complete devotion to both momentary emotion and the environment in which it took place.

At Big Ears, Holley also performed a set with Nelson Patton at St. Johns Episcopal Cathedral and led a “walking tour of Knoxville” starting at the Emporium Center. This week, he answered some questions over email reflecting back on his experience at the festival.

Since I Left You: What sort of preparation, whether mental or physical, did you do for your collaborative set with The Messthetics?

Lonnie Holley: I don't really do anything different before any show. My life prepared and continues to prepare me to perform and share my mental ideas. I try to pay attention to what's happening in the world, and I'm always aware of what's happening where I am. My art and my music are about real life, the past and the future, and how we as humans effect those things. When I'm playing with guys like Brendan [Canty], Joe [Lally], and Anthony [Pirog] (The Messthetics), I try to listen to their output and give them some of me back, until we have a good idea what we sound like together. After that, we don't really need to prepare. Our lives and our work prepare us. Then we just have to go out there and do it. I say, "We brain it, we bring it, and I sing it. It's only about the truth." After we were done playing, Matt Arnett (my friend and manager and collaborator on so many things) said excitedly, "Well, maybe we should do that again." Joe said, "Sure. But let's make a record."

I think one thing people may not understand is that we create the songs and music as we go. But I try to have an idea. I make a set list of ideas I want to sing about. I share that list with my bandmates and try to give them an idea about how it should sound. I don't read music, so my instructions are like "earthy," or "spacey," or "I want to feel like I'm marching," or whatever. It's more about feel than musical notes. I want them to react to what I'm doing, and I'm always reacting to what they are doing. At Big Ears, I had this idea to start the set facing away from the crowd. I wanted to stand there for 100 seconds, turning my back on the audience. I wrote down, "100 Seconds. What If I the Great Spirit Turned My Back on America?" That was the first song. I had some ideas about what that meant, but I didn't know for sure until we started playing.

SILY: Describe the mental space you occupy when you perform.

LH: I try to leave the stage mentally when I'm performing. Matt used to always ask me after a show, "How did you think it went?" After too many times of saying, "I don't know, I wasn't there," he has stopped asking. I usually have to ask other people what they thought, because in order to really go where I want to go, I can't be paying attention to what's happening in the building. I pay close attention to what my bandmates are doing. I ear it. But in order to find the things to sing about, I have to go up into my head and look for the pictures and the sounds I want to share. I've tried to describe how my brain works when I'm on stage. I have carousels spinning around that have pictures and memories on them. And they spin, and I search them for the images and the words to build a song. Sometimes I have to create words if the right ones don't exist. I take a mental flight. Like I did when sneaking off the slave ship.

SILY: Unlike your one-off performance with The Messthetics, you've played with Nelson Patton before. What's unique about each show with them, and what's different?

LH: Man, I love playing with Marlon (Patton) and Dave (Nelson). Those guys are like my sons. And my brothers. We've played enough together now that I think we are all really comfortable on stage together. They were putting out their record, which was just instrumental, and asked me if I'd sing vocals on one of the songs. I listened to their music and said, "Yes." When we went in the studio, I couldn't stop finding things that inspired me about their music. So, instead of singing on one song, I sang on four. Then we decided to play a show together, at National Sawdust in Brooklyn, and it was so much fun. I was going to do some recording and asked if they wanted to come into the studio with me. Then we did it again. And again. They played on half of my record MITH. We toured Europe together. We toured the US with Animal Collective last summer. No show is ever the same with them. None of us are afraid to push the other in one direction or another. They know when I want to break out and get wild and when I want to slow down and sing about something as important as the poisoned water in Flint, Michigan. And when I might go from hopeful to angry in a song, they go there with me and bring the swirl of sound that helps my words have more power. 

MITH album art

But they are also fun. We have a good time, on stage and off. The last show of our tour in Europe, we were playing Sonic City Festival, which was curated by Courtney Barnett. I was going to sing a song about cell phones and technology and how we've allowed Cold Titty Mama, I call her the CTM (Computer Technology Management), to dominate our lives. The song was going to be called "Everybody That's Big Enough Is on Their Cellphone." I noticed that there was this festival that people had come to but they were all walking around on their phones. That's what it's like everywhere. We sampled the ringing cellphone as the way to start the song. We didn't tell Marlon that Matt was actually going to call my cellphone from the sound booth and I was going to answer and start the song by talking on my phone. When Marlon saw me answer my phone he was, at first, like, "Man, you can't be answering your phone during a show," only to realize that we hadn't told him we were going to do that and it was actually part of the song. He's already having to react to what he thinks is going to happen, and here we were throwing him a surprise. It was really funny, and we had a good laugh, but he adapted and we went right on into a very serious song. Even though what we are singing about is serious, deadly serious, we know that sometimes you have to laugh, even if it’s at yourself. We know that everything needs humor.

SILY: You participated in walking tour of Knoxville. What was that like? Is walking around without a specific destination your preferred way of exploring cities?

LH: That was so much fun. I hope people didn't join us hoping to get a walking history of Knoxville. I don't think we made it more than a few hundred yards. I took them down to the railroad tracks and we found materials. We talked mostly about material and the things we discard and what that does to our Mother Ship. And we sang songs about it. My friends Christopher Paul Stelling and Evie Andrus came with us and brought an old beat up guitar and a fiddle. Then we made instruments and sounds from the things we found on the railroad tracks and sang about the environment. I liked not having a plan. How can we plan for something when we don't know what is around the corner that might inspire us? When we were heading over to the meeting spot, Matt and I noticed an old embankment on the edge of town and realized that years ago we'd been on that embankment. We found a lot of foundation stones and other materials that had remained from some old buildings. I collected those and took them home and made art out of them. That was at least five years ago. We noticed that the hill itself was now gone, making way for a new development of some kind. We noticed something that didn't exist anymore, anywhere except in our memory. The industrial parts of Knoxville aren't that different from the industrial parts of Birmingham. I felt very much at home in Knoxville and would love to spend more time exploring there. I really like the way Big Ears and Knoxville support each other.  

Grown humans will always be students to me. No matter who we are, there is always the possibility of learning more. On that day, I was supposed to be the teacher and the guide, but I was just as much a student as everyone else. And we had young people and people older than me walking with us, getting down on their knees and not being afraid to get down and get dirty.

Poster for Holley’s film I Snuck Off The Slave Ship

SILY: What's next for you?

LH: When I get around this corner, I can tell you.

But I do have some shows coming up that I'm really excited about. I am doing a collaboration in a few weeks with my friend Dave Eggar at the Dallas Museum of Art, in conjunction with the Dallas Symphony and SMU. I'm also finishing a residency at UNC Chapel Hill that was cut short in the fall by a hurricane, and some workshops with kids in rural, eastern North Carolina. I'm really looking forward to that. Then I leave for Europe with my band and then FORM Festival in Arizona. I'll do some art-making there, too. In late May, I go to Australia for the first time, and we are playing VividLIVE at the Sydney Opera House and some other shows. I'm going to Mississippi to do a project with the Walter Anderson Museum and then go back to North Adams, Massachusetts for Solid Sound Festival. I have an exhibit at MASS MoCA (they host Solid Sound) that closes this summer, so I'll be glad to see those works again before they come down. I've got a few screenings of my film, I Snuck Off the Slave Ship, which premiered at Sundance, coming up, including the first showing in Atlanta at the Atlanta Film Festival. Everyone who worked on the film and who was in it will get a chance to see it on the big screen. That's pretty exciting to be able to share it with the folks where I live. I have some other shows that haven't been announced yet, too. It's a really busy time, but so much is happening in the world and I feel like being busy is the only thing we, as artists, can do to make a difference. What we need here in America is art, not just words without power. And we need to learn how to tear down walls. And maybe it's time to go make a record with The Messthetics.

Thumbs Up for Mother Universe!

#lonnie holley #interviews #jagjaguwar #big ears festival #the messthetics #brendan canty #joe lally #anthony pirog #the mill & mine #nelson patton #st. johns episcopal cathedral #matt arnett #national sawdust #evie andrus #cyrus moussavi #dallas museum of art #southern methodist university #form #sydney opera house #solid sound festival #mass moca #sundance #just before music #keeping a record of it #mith #marlon patton #dave nelson #animal collective #christopher paul stelling #i snuck off the slave ship

[theplaguezine]

U.D.O.

Interview with Udo Dirkschneider by Daniel Hinds

(conducted April 2000)

Udo Dirkschneider certainly needs no introduction to anyone with even a passing interest in metal in the 80s.  His work as the vocalist for the legendary German metal powerhouse Accept set new standards for intensity, with the range to shriek like a madman or soothe with remarkable melody.  After Accept finally called it quits in the mid 90s, Udo returned to his solo band, U.D.O., which he had first started in the late 80s.

2000 sees the US release of his latest album, the metal to the bone Holy.  As the band continues their European tour and prepares to invade America, Udo took some time to give me a ring and answer a few questions…

Now that it's done and out, what are your feelings about Holy? Ohhh….I can't say that much for the US, but the album has been out in Europe since October of last year.  It's doing very well here in Europe and, looking forward, hopefully we'll have the same in the US.

What made you decide on 'Holy' for the title? The idea came up with… A lot of people have said they are very appreciative that we've stuck to the same kind of music.  In the studio, we were talking about religion and we came up with the name 'holy.'  Then we said, okay, that means in a way…one idea led to another.  'Holy' was the first thing there, then 'metal is our religion' and this kind of music is holy to us, but don't take it too seriously.  Then the idea came up for the cover and there was a little concept behind everything.

Can you tell me a bit about the artwork? The artwork for the album is by a guy named Andreas Marschall - he's quite famous here in Germany.  In a way, he's a little bit crazy. (laughs)  So when I was talking to him about the cover artwork, I told him we want to have a church but not a real looking church - it has to look like a metal church.  And he understood what the meaning was and started working on it.  Then we came up with the idea for the priest in the corner, as we wanted to do something funny.  There were a lot of scandals going on at that time at the Vatican in Italy.  I worked already two times with Andreas, as he did the covers for the Timebomb and Solid U.D.O. albums.

How are the songs written and arranged these days in UDO? Normally, Stefan does the music - he comes up with the rough ideas.  Then I start putting the melodies on it and start working on the final lyrics.  Then we start arranging it in the studio and sometimes we change some of the melody lines, and some guitar parts or breaks or whatever.

You've been writing and playing music for a long time now.  Has your songwriting method changed at all?  Do you find it harder/easier now than in the past?   I think I can say it is easier.  We are lucky because Stefan Kaufmann has his own studio.  So we don't have to book a studio - we can go in whenever we want.  And it's just five minutes from my home, so it's easy.  You don't watch the red light anymore, it's off (laughs).  There's no pressure.

Can you tell me a bit about some of the lyrics on the new album:

Raiders of Beyond The idea came from the TV series Stargate, so it has science-fiction lyrics.

Recall the Sin This one is about myself and if somebody asks me if I want to do the whole thing again, I will say yes.

State Run Operation The government in Germany about a year ago was making a law that they can now watch your apartment, they can put some cameras in there and listen to your television.  It's also a bit like a James Bond story, but it's also a true story.  So, yeah, I'm not happy with this! (laughs)

Are there things you can do with U.D.O. that you weren't able to with Accept? In a way, it is the same.  When we were writing songs in Accept, it was 4 or 5 people, but now it's just two people, so in a way it's much easier. (laughs)  I was very satisfied with the songs with Accept - not all of them, but you have to make some compromise.  Of course, I'm very happy with the songwriting with Stefan in U.D.O.

When you rejoined Accept in the 90s, did you always plan to return to U.D.O. afterwards? In the first place, what we had with Accept in '87.  That was…how can I say it in short words (laughs)…  The rest of the band listened to the wrong people.  There were a lot of people around Accept that said, 'Okay, now you have to be more commercial to break the US market' and they believed that.  So they said, okay, we want to be more commercial, we want to have a different singer who can sing more melodies and stuff.  And I said, 'Okay…if you want to do this.  I don't want to do this.  I don't want to sing too much commercial stuff.'  Then there was a point when I did U.D.O. for the first time and they were looking for a different singer, but we never had bad feelings between the band and me.  We were still good friends and ended up working at the same studio at the same time.  They were working on Eat the Heat and I was doing Animal House.  The re-union with Accept came up…it wasn't really planned.  I had already had 4 albums out with U.D.O. and had quite a good success with U.D.O.  In 1991, the Staying a Life album came out and this was a big success, so we got tons of fans letters from all over the world asking us to get back together.  So in '92, we had a meeting with all the members of Accept and were talking about re-union, but it was not easy for me to stop U.D.O. and do Accept again.  In the end, we did the reunion and after the Predator album, the atmosphere music-wise was not right anymore.  There were too many different directions and I think it was the right point to stop Accept.  For me, it was not planned to stop Accept, it was more Wolf and Peter who said they don't want to do it anymore, so I said okay.  I didn't want to stop making music, so I did U.D.O. again.

Are you going to shoot any videos for this album? (emphatically) NO.  To spend money for a video, this is a waste at the moment.  In Europe, we don't have any TV stations that play this kind of music.  They all play teeny-stuff and boy-groups and hip-hop or whatever, but they don't play heavy metal videos.  So to put this money into a video, maybe you could use it for touring and this would be much better.

How did you initially hook up wtih Nuclear Blast?   No, I have my own label called Breaker Records.  What I did was a cooperation with Nuclear Blast.  They handle everything for Breaker Records - they do all the promotional stuff and distribution, but the album is on my label.

Will you just release U.D.O. albums or are you thinking of releasing other bands? Yeah, I have already 3 bands from Germany.  They're very young and new in a way.  Maybe, I don't know when (laughs) the day will come when I stop being a musician and then I will want to work with young bands and maybe I can help them.

Do you keep up much with the metal scene at large? Yeah, if I have time, then I go to small clubs and see new bands.  Right at the moment, we have a lot of good bands around Germany.  It's interesting, they're all playing this traditional heavy metal stuff.  Also good bands are coming from Sweden and Norway, so at the moment, this kind of music is coming up again.

What kind of music do you enjoy listening to outside of metal?   Everything that is good.  Whenever I'm at home or in the car, I switch the radio on and listen to all kinds of music.  Nothing special.  I like a lot of Spanish guitar music and classical music, but the rest is just what is played on the radio.

Do you do anything to keep your voice in shape? (laughing)  No.  I think in a way I'm very lucky.  I've never had any problems with my voice, except when I have a cold, but that is normal.  There has never been a serious problem, you know.  When I go on stage, I never do a warm up.  I just go on stage and start singing.  I'm still smoking.  So, I'm lucky.  I know a lot of heavy metal singers who have had a lot of trouble with their voice.

Do you plan to tour the States for this album? Yes!  Nuclear Blast will try to get us over to the U.S. between the 27th of May and the 10th of June.  Nothing is confirmed yet, but they're working on it.  What they want to do is that we do maybe 8 or 10 shows, do more promotion, and see how the scene is going.  Then in October or November we'll do a proper tour.

What kind of material do you do in your set these days? Let's say 60% U.D.O. stuff and 40% Accept stuff, so the people get what they want. (laughs)

www.udo-online.de

#UDO #interview #apr2000

[codiezofia]

Bit of self reflection tonight.... I'm lying here thinking about the past five years and everything that has happened and the people that have come in and out of my life. 

This time five years ago, 2012 I was extremely sick. I was by myself in the house as my family were on holiday. I just got into my first relationship with a guy that I had liked for six years. I just got a new job in a high end Australian department store but mentally and physically I was not ok. I will admit that I came close to ending it. It all just got to much and I didn't want to be here anymore. Just before my family left on their holiday I was told I was on the waiting list to be admitted to a ward in hospital specialising in what I was going through. That for me was the final straw and I decided it was time for a change. While my family were away a bed became available and I was going to be admitted but the determination I had to get better by myself without placing myself in that environment got me through. 

This time four years ago I was on a yacht sailing around the Greek Island of Corfu. I was two weeks in to my four week European trip with two of my closest friends that I have been friends with since grade one. That trip was something else entirely, the memories and the experiences will forever be with me. It changed me in a lot of ways that trip, it essentially displayed to me my love of traveling and photography. On a personal level I was still struggling with my illness and being out of routine was daunting but it showed me that I can get through it and to relax. The trip to Europe opened my eyes to what I wanted to do. I got back researched a degree I was interested in at a university I wanted to attend since the age of eight. So I booked a campus tour and a meeting with a guidance counsellor and I fell in love. I applied and got in. 

This time three years ago I was in my second semester of my first year of Uni. I seriously didn’t think I was going to get through my first semester. Being out of high school for two years and being thrown into that was daunting to say the least. I contemplated dropping out but knew if I did I would not only feel like a failure but I would regret it for the rest of my life. I stuck it out and now as I type this my degree sits in front of me. Going to university is something that I do not regret and something I do actually miss. It showed me how much I love learning and discovering. It opened my eyes to question everything that happens in life and to not settle. University in many ways shaped me to the person I am now even though I feel as if I am changing constantly. 

This time one year ago, I would have been graduated from University for six months. I was interning at a public relations firm on the Gold Coast and working in retail. Trying and trying to find an actual paying job in the field I wanted to study in. It was disheartening and honestly it still is applying for numerous jobs that I know I will excel in and not hearing back. 

Today I am questioning what I want to do with my life. Numerous potential paths are in front of me with me not having any real clue as to which one to take. I lived overseas this year, Bali to be precise somewhere that I didn’t even consider for a holiday. Someone that has been significant in my life over the past seven years is back and I can't be happier that he is apart of my life again. It just feels comfortable when he is here and like I am at ease. I am proud of myself for what I have achieved from getting through the struggles, the highs and lows. Life has a funny way of sending you on a path that you didn’t even know was there, but I am glad I have gone on the path that my life has so far been because I wouldn't be who I am today. One thing this year has taught me is to just take it as it comes, it will figure its self out if it is meant to be. So I am just going to work hard, be happy and focus on myself. I certainly know that I like the person I am today far more than the girl from five years ago. I just need to continue to believe in myself and honestly it is overwhelming looking at who I was to where I am today. Every time I do it makes me emotional. 

#personal

[onestowatch]

Q&A: The Night Game Releases “Do You Think About Us” From Forthcoming Album - And It’s About a Real Girl

Last year around this time, I headed to the Roxy Theatre in Hollywood to catch a show for a band called The Night Game. Admittedly, I didn’t really know who The Night Game was at the time, but I ran into several of my hard-to-impress music friends during the opening act, who filled me in that this mysterious musician was the best thing they’d seen in a while. Chatterings of Mr. Night Game spread through the audience while we awaited his set, hearing mention of “He’s best friends with John Mayer,” to “He used to be in an emo band, but not sure which one...”

Looking around, I wondered how someone I’d never heard of could sell the place out and manage to bring all the hipster musicians boys to Hollywood all the way from Silverlake — this dude must be something special.

The stage was covered in a thick haze, and when The Night Game finally took the stage, he was only lit in silhouette and appeared to be a tall, slender guy with a mullet. His guitar player was sporting a nascar jacket and a cowboy hat, and he was legitimately one of the best guitar players I’d ever seen. For a moment, I wondered if this was a Bruce Springsteen tribute band, but just then, they started to play their single, “The Outfield,” and my friend leaned in and said, “You know that’s Martin Johnson from Boys Like Girls, right?”

Over the next few months, I would listen to the new singles by The Night Game, “Kids in Love,” “American Nights,” never fully making the connection to the former Boys Like Girls vocalist in terms of recognizability. I would later find out that this was done on purpose — since the brand’s aesthetic was initially born out of trying to trick people into NOT knowing it was him, in an effort to simply let the music speak for itself.

After almost a year of ultimately confusing most listeners, and having fully knocked his mid-2000’s “affected emo vocals” of the past, The Night Game unknowingly created one of music’s best executed identity coos ever — and the mysterious one will release his debut album on Sept. 7, followed by a hefty tour in both the US and Europe. Today, he released one of the stand out tracks from the album titled, “Do You Think About Us?” featuring Caroline Polachek from Chairlift. If you’re at all a sap, this song will definitely make you cry for the boyfriend (or girlfriend) you don’t even have.

The new single is rumored to be about a real girl in young MJ’s life — who also makes lyrical appearances in various other songs throughout the album. As far as the connection between the old “emo Martin” and the new “Night Game” Martin, there’s no doubt that there’s obvious musical growth in every way possible — and we’re loving all of it. In the end, MJ claims his return to the spotlight was because he wanted to sing again but mostly it was a way to “see if I could love music again…” If that statement doesn’t break your heart, you’re likely not human.

Take a listen to “Do You Think About Us?” and peep our Q&A with Martin Johnson of The Night Game below.

OTW: The sonic vibe of "Do You Think About Us"  is still in the same ‘80s vein as all your other songs so far — but with slightly more synth production. How did you land on the production you've used in the final version?

Martin: It’s funny — a lot of journalists are talking about this “80’s vein.” I suppose it was the choice to make most of the album’s sounds with analog synths and drum machines as opposed to simulations in the box with midi. The choices were less about finding the right sonic brand and more about how the song makes you feel...like, “Is that guitar part saying something or is it just filling space?” Francois (the albums’ co-producer) and myself wanted to put in the time to be respectful to the stories. On “Do You Think About Us?” the verses are a bit sad and melancholy; the vocal is wet in reverb and it feels like another time — Maybe in the past, with a bit of longing and nostalgia. Then the hook dries up and gets a lot louder,  and almost feels like a BPM jump — which sort of makes it go into the “Now;” [it] jumps out of the fantasy of what could have been, and becomes a direct question to a lost lover.

OTW: How does the song tie into some of your previous songs like "The Outfield" and "American Nights"?

Martin: I suppose there are some big broad stroke themes on this album: sports, sex, nostalgia, loneliness and searching for love/lost love (sometimes in the wrong places); searching for the American dream (what is it exactly? is it just a mirage?). I think this song fits into the sex, nostalgia, and searching “boxes,” but could probably also fit into the sports box depending on what type of sex you’re having.

OTW: We were lucky enough to preview the album which comes out on Sept. 7. There are references to remembering "being 18" in other songs on the album.... is there a specific person this song is about?

Martin: Depending on the day, it’s more the “being 18” than it is the girl, but yes, there is a specific girl for this one. She just had her second kid and is very in love with her husband — I’m happy for her. “Do You Think About Us?” is less an “I want you back” and more of a “sliding doors” type fantasy. What would it have been like if I went with her to that college instead of getting in a 15 passenger van with some boys back in ‘04?

OTW: Caroline Polachek is featured on this track and has a great voice, what made you decide to feature her on the track?

Martin: I tried a couple different features on this song but believability and vulnerability were both really important to me. I needed the right voice to tell the story. I had been working with a version of the song where I was temp singing the female part for months when Caroline and I met in Eastside LA with a group of people and became fast friends. We went for a hike the next day and were talking about writing together, and I played her the song in my car. She said “I like this. Do you want me to try to sing it?” — it was as simple as that. I’m really grateful to have her a part of it — she’s an incredible vocalist and performer both in the booth and on stage.

OTW: What are you most excited/nervous about for when the album comes out?

Martin: You know that feeling when you’re a kid: it’s sunday night at 10:30pm and you have an essay due the next day that you haven’t started yet, and you’ve had a week to work on it? I’ve had that feeling for four years. I think the thing I’m the most excited about is just actually being done with it. I’ve been picking at it for quite a while. Once it comes out, I can’t work on it anymore — it just is what it is. I’m doing my best to disconnect from the immediate results. I didn’t make this album for financial gain or to earn praise, I made it to see if i could love music again. I’m still not sure about that one, but I’m hoping the answer is out on the road.

OTW: Speaking of which, you’re about to go on a pretty big tour starting around the time of album release. What are you most excited about for the new tour?

Martin: I’m hoping they put some ice backstage in Europe. usually It's pretty hard to get ice in Europe.I like cold beverages. Sue me, I’m American.

EUROPEAN  &  FESTIVAL  DATES 9/8  Berlin,  DE 9/10  Vienna,  AT  -  Flex 9/11  Zurich,  CH  -  Plaza 9/12  Dresden,  DE  -  Beatpol 9/14  Gottingen,  DE  -  NDR  2  Radio  Festival 9/15  Baden  Baden,  DE  -  SWR  3  Radio  Festival 9/16  Munich,  DE  -  Strom 9/18  Frankfurt,  DE  -  Zoom 9/20  Hamburg,  DE  -  Reeperbahn 9/22  Cologne,  DE  -  Gebaeude  9 9/24  Amsterdam,  NL  -  Melkweg  Upstairs 9/27  London,  UK – Electrowerkz

NORTH  AMERICAN  TOUR  DATES 10/8  Vancouver,  BC  -  Vogue  Theatre* 10/9  Portland,  OR  -  Wonder  Ballroom* 10/10  Seattle,  WA  -  The  SHowbox* 10/13  Sacramento,  CA  -  Ace  of  Spades* 10/14  San  Francisco,  CA  -  August  Hall* 10/17  San  Diego,  CA  The  Observatory  North  Park* 10/19  Los  Angeles,  CA  -  The  Novo* 10/20  Anaheim,  CA  -  House  of  Blues* 10/31  Denver,  CO  -  Larimer  Lounge 11/2  Chicago,  IL  -  Chop  Shop 11/3  Pontiac,  MI  -  Pike  Room 11/4  Cleveland,  OH  -  HoB  Cambridge  Room 11/7  Brooklyn,  NY  -  Warsaw 11/8  Boston,  MA  -  Great  Scott 11/9  Washington,  DC  -  Rock  n  Roll    Hotel 11/10  Charlotte,  NC  -  Visulite  Theater 11/12  Nashville,  TN  -  Basement  East 11/13  Atlanta,  GA  -  The  Loft 11/14  New  Orleans,  LA  -  Gasa  Gasa 11/15  Houston,  TX  -  The  Studio  at  Warehouse  Live 11/16  Dallas,  TX  -  Trees 11/17  Austin,  TX  -  The  Parish 11/20  Phoenix,  AZ  -  Valley  Bar *  Supporting  St  Lucia

#the night game #alternative #pop #interview

[robgrayofficial]

HAPPPPPPY SATURDAY, PATRIOTS!This is your girl u/IvaginaryFriend here and I'm back at it again with a weeks worth of spice for you lovely Deplorables! (◠‿◠✿)Before we officially get this recap started, if you happened to miss any past recaps you can catch them here!Sunday, June 10th:🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:Fair Trade is now to be called Fool Trade if it is not Reciprocal. According to a Canada release, they make almost 100 Billion Dollars in Trade with U.S. (guess they were bragging and got caught!). Minimum is 17B. Tax Dairy from us at 270%. Then Justin acts hurt when called out!Why should I, as President of the United States, allow countries to continue to make Massive Trade Surpluses, as they have for decades, while our Farmers, Workers & Taxpayers have such a big and unfair price to pay? Not fair to the PEOPLE of America! $800 Billion Trade Deficit... ... ....And add to that the fact that the U.S. pays close to the entire cost of NATO-protecting many of these same countries that rip us off on Trade (they pay only a fraction of the cost-and laugh!). The European Union had a $151 Billion Surplus-should pay much more for Military! ... ....Germany pays 1% (slowly) of GDP towards NATO, while we pay 4% of a MUCH larger GDP. Does anybody believe that makes sense? We protect Europe (which is good) at great financial loss, and then get unfairly clobbered on Trade. Change is coming!Great to be in Singapore, excitement in the air!Sorry, we cannot let our friends, or enemies, take advantage of us on Trade anymore. We must put the American worker first!SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:Cultural enrichment as its finestThe version they didn't want you to see.Canada does it: everything is fine. American does it: REEE RACISMWhen you are done making the g7 your bitch and you have to go end the Korean war🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:GLOBALISTS BTFO: "WE ARE THE PIGGY BANK THAT EVERYONE IS ROBBING. THAT ENDS."BTFO SocialistMy eyebrows are real.Just a picture of Ivanka Trump colluding with some RussiansMonday, June 11th:TODAY'S ACTION:President Donald J. Trump Meets with the Prime Minister of SingaporePresident Trump Participates in a 1:1 Meeting with North Korean Leader Kim Jong UnPresident Trump Participates in an Expanded Bilateral Meeting with North Korean Leader Kim Jong UnPresident Trump and North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un Signs a Declaration of Friendship2018 Singapore SummitSeventeen Nominations Sent to the Senate Today🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:Thank you Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong!SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:‘We’re America, Bitch’THE FIRST HANDSHAKE BETWEEN NK & US LEADERS. HISTORIC!!Kim Jong Un Can't Stop Smiling After President Trump Said They Will Have A Fantastic Relationship Then Kim Shocks The World And Tells President Trump He Wants To Move On From The Past !!HISTORIC!! #MAGAAnother Supreme Court win: 'Supreme Court allows Ohio voter purge'In case you guys were wondering, she's there in case somebody needs to be bitch slapped...especially Fake News!!!PRESS BRIEFINGS, INTERVIEWS, RALLIES:Briefing by Secretary of State Michael Pompeo🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:And right over here we have the fake news. Nobody likes them.NO. FUCKS. GIVEN.Watch the left eat itself.Two terms. Two scoops. Two genders. Two cakes.The Democrat Party is now officially more hostile and dangerous to the US than North KoreaTuesday, June 12th:TODAY'S ACTION:President Trump Participates in a Media AvailabilityPresident Donald J. Trump Announces Intent to Nominate Personnel to Key Administration Posts🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:Meetings between staffs and representatives are going well and quickly....but in the end, that doesn’t matter. We will all know soon whether or not a real deal, unlike those of the past, can happen!Stock Market up almost 40% since the Election, with 7 Trillion Dollars of U.S. value built throughout the economy. Lowest unemployment rate in many decades, with Black & Hispanic unemployment lowest in History, and Female unemployment lowest in 21 years. Highest confidence ever!The fact that I am having a meeting is a major loss for the U.S., say the haters & losers. We have our hostages, testing, research and all missle launches have stoped, and these pundits, who have called me wrong from the beginning, have nothing else they can say! We will be fine!Just won big Supreme Court decision on Voting! Great News!Our Great Larry Kudlow, who has been working so hard on trade and the economy, has just suffered a heart attack. He is now in Walter Reed Medical Center.SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:Troll level - ExpertBREAKING: TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER WANTS CNN REPORTER'S CREDENTIALS REVOKED OVER QUESTIONS DURING NORTH KOREA SIGNINGFake News Jim Acosta justifying his rude questions at the Singapore summit: "Hey if they're not going to let me in the fucking meeting, that's what's going to happen… That's the way it goes, baby."Amazing video Trump showed Kim🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:HAHAFoot. Meet. Mouth.This man is 72 years old and hasn't slept in 22 hours. This is the President I voted for!Someone's JealousCurrent emotion of the leftLiterally Reddit right nowWednesday, June 13th:TODAY'S ACTION:Historic Summit with North Korea is a Tremendous Moment for the World🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:My political representatives didn’t want me to get involved in the Mark Sanford primary thinking that Sanford would easily win - but with a few hours left I felt that Katie was such a good candidate, and Sanford was so bad, I had to give it a shot. Congrats to Katie Arrington!Robert De Niro, a very Low IQ individual, has received too many shots to the head by real boxers in movies. I watched him last night and truly believe he may be “punch-drunk.” I guess he doesn’t... ... ...realize the economy is the best it’s ever been with employment being at an all time high, and many companies pouring back into our country. Wake up Punchy!Congratulations to Corey Stewart for his great victory for Senator from Virginia. Now he runs against a total stiff, Tim Kaine, who is weak on crime and borders, and wants to raise your taxes through the roof. Don’t underestimate Corey, a major chance of winning!Just landed - a long trip, but everybody can now feel much safer than the day I took office. There is no longer a Nuclear Threat from North Korea. Meeting with Kim Jong Un was an interesting and very positive experience. North Korea has great potential for the future!Before taking office people were assuming that we were going to War with North Korea. President Obama said that North Korea was our biggest and most dangerous problem. No longer - sleep well tonight!We save a fortune by not doing war games, as long as we are negotiating in good faith - which both sides are!The U.S., together with Mexico and Canada, just got the World Cup. Congratulations - a great deal of hard work!Oil prices are too high, OPEC is at it again. Not good!So funny to watch the Fake News, especially NBC and CNN. They are fighting hard to downplay the deal with North Korea. 500 days ago they would have “begged” for this deal-looked like war would break out. Our Country’s biggest enemy is the Fake News so easily promulgated by fools!Senator Claire McCaskill of the GREAT State of Missouri flew around in a luxurious private jet during her RV tour of the state. RV’s are not for her. People are really upset, so phony! Josh Hawley should win big, and has my full endorsement.Congratulations to Danny Tarkanian on his big GOP primary win in Nevada. Danny worked hard an got a great result. Looking good in November!Congratulations to @KevinCramer on his huge win in North Dakota. We need Kevin in the Senate, and I strongly endorse him. Heidi voted NO on our Tax Cuts, and always will vote no when we need her. Kevin is strong on Crime & Borders, big on Cutting Taxes!SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:Tommy Robinson sent to Muslim Prison, the time to stand up is NOWMike Pence casts tie-breaking vote to allow states to defund Planned Parenthood. Prepare for internet meltdown. SBC18Food Stamp Enrollment Dips to Lowest Level in 8 YearsTrump Nominated For Nobel Peace Price... By NorwayTrump shows off 'The Beast' ( presidential limo ) to Kim during historic Singapore summit🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:POWERFULRare photo of our President shitposting in real timeWhen your attempt at political humor results in a massive redpilling.New "Make America Safe" painting by Jon McNaughton "If we don’t build the wall soon, we’ll be overrun by the weeds."The greatest moment of the Trump Kim Summit...Thursday, June 14th:TODAY'S ACTION:President Donald J. Trump Announces Intent to Nominate Personnel to Key Administration Posts🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:The Republican Party is starting to show very big numbers. People are starting to see what is being done. Results are speaking loudly. North Korea and our greatest ever economy are leading the way!Now that I am back from Singapore, where we had a great result with respect to North Korea, the thought process must sadly go back to the Witch Hunt, always remembering that there was No Collusion and No Obstruction of the fabricated No Crime.So, the Democrats make up a phony crime, Collusion with the Russians, pay a fortune to make the crime sound real, illegally leak (Comey) classified information so that a Special Councel will be appointed, and then Collude to make this pile of garbage take on life in Fake News!The sleazy New York Democrats, and their now disgraced (and run out of town) A.G. Eric Schneiderman, are doing everything they can to sue me on a foundation that took in $18,800,000 and gave out to charity more money than it took in, $19,200,000. I won’t settle this case!... ... ....Schneiderman, who ran the Clinton campaign in New York, never had the guts to bring this ridiculous case, which lingered in their office for almost 2 years. Now he resigned his office in disgrace, and his disciples brought it when we would not settle.Happy 243rd Birthday to the @USArmy! Thank you for your bravery, sacrifices, and dedication to the U.S.A. We love you!Happy #FlagDay🇺🇸SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT!!FULL INSPECTOR GENERAL REPORT - Ditch the SSRI's, double up on the vaccines and GET IN HERE, PEDES! We're going full autistic on this!STRZOK: ‘We’ll Stop’ Trump Presidency‘Viva Le Resistance’: Mueller Team Attorney Sent Anti-Trump TextsThis is huge. Boston’s BWH Hospital removing images of historic doctors from public view because workers complained they’re all white. First neurosurgeon in the world. Nobel winner for first organ transplant. We should be proud of our hospital’s accomplishments not ashamed of their skin.PRESS BRIEFINGS, INTERVIEWS, RALLIES:6/14/18: White House Press Briefing🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:FBI Director Christopher Wray holds a press conferenceIt’s GETOUS Birthday. Praise Kek, How will you celebrate this holiday. I plan to have the Standard Trump McDonald’s order then Two Scoops of Ice Cream and a Diet Coke while reading the IG reporthmmmmmmm"FBI says FBI is innocent, says FBI."Friday, June 15th:TODAY'S ACTION:A Message from President Donald J. Trump🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:FBI Agent Peter Strzok, who headed the Clinton & Russia investigations, texted to his lover Lisa Page, in the IG Report, that “we’ll stop” candidate Trump from becoming President. Doesn’t get any lower than that!The IG Report is a total disaster for Comey, his minions and sadly, the FBI. Comey will now officially go down as the worst leader, by far, in the history of the FBI. I did a great service to the people in firing him. Good Instincts. Christopher Wray will bring it proudly back!Thank you for all of the compliments on getting the World Cup to come to the U.S.A., Mexico and Canada. I worked hard on this, along with a Great Team of talented people. We never fail, and it will be a great World Cup! A special thanks to Bob Kraft for excellent advice.U.S.A. Jobs numbers are the BEST in 44 years. If my opponent (the Democrats) had won the election, they would have raised taxes substantially and increased regulations - the economy, and jobs, would have been a disaster!Wow, the highest rated (by far) morning show, @foxandfriends, is on the Front Lawn of the White House. Maybe I’ll have to take an unannounced trip down to see them?“Why in the world didn’t Barack Obama fire this guy (Comey)?” asks Mark Levin!(Retweeting Fox&Friends) @jasoninthehouse: All of this started because Hillary Clinton set up her private server(Retweeting Fox&Friends) @jasoninthehouse: Anything Mueller is doing with his investigation is tainted by the anti-Trump FBI agents(Retweeting Fox&Friends) @jasoninthehouse: The DOJ IG report is 562 pages of nothing but bias and animus(Retweeting Fox&Friends) “This is one of the most damning rebukes of the FBI that I think we’ve ever seen.” -@jasoninthehouse(Retweeting Fox&Friends) DOJ IG report finds that an FBI lawyer told a bureau employee “Viva le resistance” after President Trump was elected(Retweeting Fox&Friends) IG REPORT BOMBSHELL: Anti-Trump FBI agent Peter Strzok texted his lover Lisa Page "we'll stop" Trump from becoming president“Donald Trump was 100% right to fire James Comey.” Mark LevinSIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:Obama had direct contact with Clinton on private email server: IG reportUnder reported: FBI Agent acknowledges that Hillary's IT Guy "lied his ass off." Did we ever see ANY charges? Nope. Scandalous.Trump: ‘I May Get Involved’ in Justice Department ‘If It Gets Worse’Trump says he will not sign moderate 'Dreamer' immigration billFBI Employee: ‘Trump’s Supporters Are All Poor, Uneducated, Lazy POS…Pence is stupid.’ Another agent called us "retards." I was not even used to being in a cult yet. Fire these morons NOW🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:EverytimeDon Jr. Retweeted it!! Sad Ben Rhodes - Presidential Birthday RemixOoooh Noooo. Paul Manafort’s bail was revoked— he is going to jail.Obama's Left wrist is his foreign policy.Saturday, June 16th:🔥🔥TRUMP TWEETS🔥🔥:Democrats can fix their forced family breakup at the Border by working with Republicans on new legislation, for a change! This is why we need more Republicans elected in November. Democrats are good at only three things, High Taxes, High Crime and Obstruction. Sad!My supporters are the smartest, strongest, most hard working and most loyal that we have seen in our countries history. It is a beautiful thing to watch as we win elections and gather support from all over the country. As we get stronger, so does our country. Best numbers ever!The IG Report totally destroys James Comey and all of his minions including the great lovers, Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, who started the disgraceful Witch Hunt against so many innocent people. It will go down as a dark and dangerous period in American History!“Americans must demand their lawmakers support the legislation we need to defeat MS-13 once and for all, and to ensure every American child in every American community can grow up in safety, and grow up in security, and in peace.”SIGNIFICANT TWEETS AND NEWS:NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE!Savage reply by POTUSTHIS RIGHT HERE, this nationally televised display of overt double standard, was the second biggest Red Pill (to date)🐸 TOP SPICE OF THE DAY 🐸:Weekend Fun Ben Garrison Cartoon The "It Will Make Heads Explode" PrizeFBI: Report Didn't Mention BiasWEEEEW LAD!Without further ado, some jams to help you groove through all this WINNING!!!InvincibleGhost townStarvingAftergoldHard To loveMAGA ON PATRIOTS! #robgray

#robgray