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batsarebetterthanpeople · 10 months

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thank you for your time Jamie :3

hi i really appreciate these posts [1, 2] and your tags.

i’ve been stuck in baby bat limbo for about a decade now (oof) [born in the early 2000s introduced to alt subcultures in 2010, tried to be more authentically me as the years went on, took stock and solidified my values in 2013 [redacted hell world] and now we are here!]

i feel like the lack of community is why i can’t ‘grow up’ to bat kid. when i tried to find other like me— sorry dollskill hauling influencers i didn’t count you but i was looking for a more of a community feel versus social media mutuals

i was expose to a). ‘vampire elders’ who teach and recreate spaces for all the culture that us poor zoomers missed out on— but suspiciously only wants to take young girls under his wing, something about auras. [35+ y/o men who want a harem of succubi] or b). 28+ y/o men that have the whole ‘nu-metalhead’ thing going on [not as in ‘nu-metal’ (the genre) as in a specific wave of ‘alt guys’. long hair, tatted, mirror selfies, wants you to call him daddy, ghosts you when he realizes you’re not going to have sex with him on the first meet up]

and man, it is disheartening! i don’t have the funds to go concerts or festivals and a lot of them aren’t accessible, so i can’t meet anyone through there (plus people hardly talk to new people at those events nowadays— i say nowadays even though i wasn’t even there for those days lol). i’ve been invited to goth clubs by people who fall onto the vampire elder side of the spectrum… so possible but no likely because i don’t want be ‘thrown to the wolves’ so to speak and clubs are literally so inaccessible— the noise for one.

this whole summer i’ve debating if i should download bumble etc and say ‘hey i’m looking for alt FRIENDS’

i think the community aspect is so important to me because i am a lgbt disabled person of colour. i look at beautiful photography from the 70s to about the 90s (sprinkles of the 2000s). the photos are so diverse and feel real (so much trans people, dreamworld). and now the representation of the scene is pale e-girls (usually cisgender) decked out in killstar and dollskill with perfectly propped bedroom (a black skull there, coffin rug here product placement over there) etc

this not a question— though maybe there is a question hidden in this brain dump… your posts just turned a specific gear in my brain and i had to say something about it!

this can’t be the legacy of alt in the 2010s and 2020s what happened to the ‘rawring 20s’ (covid, capitalism). maybe i’ll be the change i want to see in the world…(thank you for allowing me to send this i appreciate your time a bunch, uhmmmm yeehaw!)

So you're probably not gonna like what I have to say simply because I don't like what I have to say here. I'll just start with the older guys. I find that there's a bit of a... How do I put this... Our community is made up of new blood that wants to be much older and more jaded than they are, and old blood who remembers being like that and is inclined to let them, which makes the scene a bit less dangerous for predators than it probably should be. Like I remember being in highschool and all my goth friends having fake IDs and lying about doing drugs and having older boyfriends, and I certainly don't begrudge any teenager that behavior because I've been there. Goth kids and young adults are very worried about breaking rules and being hard core, basically, and that is a known fact to opportunistic creeps. That being said other scenes also absolutely have problems with this sort of thing as well, I don't want to portray it as an alt scene exclusive thing partially because it's simply not true and partially because there are religious extremists and also just run of the mill conservative normies who absolutely have an interest in portraying our scene as exceptionally degenerate for whatever reason. I don't have a problem with age gaps either as long as everyone is legal and there's no other exploitation going on. If you want something like that having an older, better established squeeze when you're 19 can be as much of a status symbol as having a younger person who wants you when you're in your 30s is an ego boost imo. If you don't want something like that these guys are annoying. The guys who want a succubus harem are weird and gross tho ngl. Cult leader kink lookin ass.

Anyway now that that's out of the way onto the more difficult realities of the scene. By more difficult I mean entrenched problems that are more specific to our scene than the standard "disgusting individuals using the scene to try to ingratiate themselves to potential victims" that you find in literally any sufficiently large group of people.

Punk has never really been accessable. I don't like it, but it's true.

And by that I don't mean punk clothes or punk music has never really been accessable I mean punk events have never really been accessable. Punk originated in the 1970s in dinky little music clubs in major metropolitan areas. The original punks were mostly poor that's true but they were also the sort of people who were going to hang out at places like CBGB in NYC. Ever since then all of the culture basically happens in night clubs and concerts and the like. There was sort of a boom with the Emo movement on myspace when being alt got a little more accessible to people outside of major metro areas but we've never really left the night life behind. I would argue that this is also a problem that faces mainstream culture. Everything either costs money or is 21+ and everyone is drunk.

That being said, my experience has been really good so far. Everyone I meet at the club has been nice. I get asked for pronouns at the goth club more often than I get asked for pronouns at the gay club. The club I go to the people who work there and the regulars whom I've met with one exception all seem to be some flavor of queer. idk how old you are or what disabilities you have, but I will say the last time I went to Ground Zero (the goth club in Minneapolis) there was a group of people with blind canes there and the place is definitely wheel chair accessable. I also went to a Meet Me @ The Altar concert and there was ada seating right near the stage. If you're autistic my recommendation would be to get ear plugs. I'm autistic and went to When We We're Young in Vegas. I loved it. I moshed, I crowd surfed it was amazing. I saw my fav bands. I didn't get overstimulated once. And then I headed out and as I was leaving I took my earplugs out and put them in my pocket before I was fully clear of the venue and immediately the noise was overstimulating and I realized that my whole experience would have been completely sour if I hadn't had those babies in.

I also always see PoC every time I go out. I know thats just tangential experience and not all places are gonna be the same, but I'm getting the vibe that the reason the scene seems overwhelmingly white is because the guys with the cameras are a lil racist and only approach skinny white girls they want to fuck for modeling. I will say tho I see a few PoC every time I go to the club, and at WWWY the crowd was mixed but largely white. The crowd at the Meet Me @ The Altar concert (a pop-punk band which is made up of three WoC, here they are with two guitarists I don't recognize)

The crowd at their concert was by far the most mixed crowd I've seen at these sorts of events. So I guess what I'm saying is that I would guess based on what I've seen and what I've heard that there are a lot more PoC who want to go these things but only come out to events where they know they aren't gonna be the only one than who actually go to these things consistently. Which makes perfect sense, you probably don't need me to tell you that you're not the only person with those concerns, but what I can tell you is that there's enough of y'all that I feel comfortable saying the scene isnt all white and that the more people who come out the more people who are going to feel comfortable coming out.

Now the money thing. I would seriously recommend finding out where your local clubs are and who the local nobody bands are, because you're not getting into fall out boy and you're probably not getting into in this moment either. But there's always garage bands charging 5 bucks at the door for their first gigs, and that's the kind of concert where you meet people who are deep into the scene. I know Meet Me @ The Altar are touring right now. They've got a band called Kid Sister and a chick named Chloe Lilac opening for them. All three are pop-punk. And it cost me 25$ to get into their show. When I went to the show I discovered that the bar they were playing at has a whole room dedicated to shows like this and they have a lot of pop punk and punk bands that play there for not a lot. They serve food, you don't have to be an adult to get in. I assume that they're gonna be doing that sort of venue wherever they go so just check out where they're touring. If they've already passed you get on Google see what else you can find. I've met people who don't drink at the goth club but there's a 10 dollar door charge so it is what it is.

Personally I would not be afraid to do this stuff alone. Granted I'm white and able bodied, so your milage on going alone might vary. But I promise you once you get in the door the scene is not full of creeps. The creeps are just the ones seeking out the young girls who don't know where to start. There's people there who watched out for me with no benefit to themselves when I got out there the first time. And don't be afraid to talk to people. You make some acquaintances and hopefully you get invited to a house party or something and you become friends. I've mostly got one night stands so far but I've also shown up high off my ass a few times so I wasn't very conversational. There's people who want to be your friend. You just have to come out of the shell a little. And there might be some dicks. Fuck em. If they make fun of your vibe it's because they're insecure because the death hawk is their only personality trait.

TL;DR: unfortunately 90% of the goth scene is in bars and night clubs. But if you can get into one of those I promise it's not like being thrown to the wolves. My experience has been overwhelmingly positive. I won't pretend that the scene isn't largely white, but I'm also confident in saying you're probably not gonna be the only one there. And accomodations can totally be made for a lot of disabilities.

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infamousxvicious · 2 years

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OKAY SO "PISTOL" RANT TIME CAUSE THIS HAS BEEN ON MY MIND ALL WEEK !!

(Spoiler alert ahead ! If u havent watched the FX series "Pistol" yet and are planning to, and dont want anything spoiled, then skip over this post)

So I've been OBSESSED with Pistol since I first watched it, right ? (Like I've rewatched the whole show at least 3 times in the last 2 weeks it's so good) And I just wanna say - this show does a really good job of making u feel sympathetic towards certain characters. For me at least. Particularly, Johnny Rotten. Apparently he's a disgrace to the punk community nowadays lol but I loved his character in the show. He was a lunatic but the way he was portrayed made you want to feel bad for him at certain times. This show made him out to be a pretty good guy tbh. At least back in the day.

But listen, this aspect in particular really got me; the way the show portrays Sid and Johnny's friendship. There are multiple scenes where it's made clear that Sid is someone that Johnny genuinely cares about (and vice versa), like in one scene a bar fight breaks out and Johnny gets hit with a glass bottle and cuts his arm, right ? So Sid goes fuckin ape shit on the guy who attacked his friend, and then he grabs Johnny and leads him out of whatever club (?) they were at. The very next scene is just Sid and Johnny sitting in a dark room together, and Sids like "They (John's band members, as this was prior to Sid joining the band) should've kept an eye on you. You're the face.. and what makes the band the band.." and he keeps going on, saying how the other band members should appreciate Johnny and take better care of him. And Johnny's like "you're my only real mate, Sid." JSJSJSJW BRO THATS SO WHOLESOME BUT KINDA SAD AT THE SAME TIME. And then in the same scene, Sid says something like "you're gonna need another (friend), for later. I'll be dead by the time I'm 21." And Johnny scolds him like "Dont say stupid things like that." and then he offers to make Sid a cup of tea. Like, bro, this man CARES ABOUT HIS FRIEND OKAY AND ITS ADORABLE. And then in later episodes the two are constantly looking out for each other. Johnny expresses his worries about Nancy's influence on Sid, at one point telling him "I know what you're doing (in reference to the drugs Nancy got him hooked on), that shit will kill you !". And in the last scene u see of the two together, Sids in a hospital bed having had a minor OD and Johnny's talking to him like "you couldn't even make it back to London without ODing" and scolds him for how he let's Nancy control him, and Sid says to him quite possibly the meanest thing you could say to a person; "you're just jealous, because no one can write even one thing they love about you." And they stare at each other of a minute before Johnny turns and says "Goodbye, Sidney.", leaving a small bouquet of flowers at the end of Sids bed on his way out. And you'd assume that's the last time they spoke before Sid died. Like this man was constantly fucked over by his shitty narcissistic manager, picked on by his bandmates, kicked out of his own band (of which he was the fucking frontman) and now he's basically been abandoned by his best friend for a girl that arguably cost him his life in the end. Do u see why I sympathize with him ?

Johnny literally wanted Sid in the band because he "needed a mate", and because the other members "could be mean sometimes". He wanted Sid in the band because the other bandmates were being mean to him are u fucking kidding me. He asked for so little but he deserved so much 🥺 HE WAS A GOOD FRIEND OKAY, JOHNNY DESERVED BETTER. I SAID WHAT I SAID 🥺🥺🥺🥺

We need more shows with men who have genuine friendships cus listen the amount of times my little overly sensitive heart gushed for these two and their friendship UGH 😩🥺

#pistol fx #pistol 2022 #sex pistols #louis partridge #anson boon #john lydon #johnny rotten #sid vicious #anson boons portrayal of Johnny Rotten will forever have my heart <3 #I cannot express to u enough how much I love everything about this show

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gayspock · 2 years

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OK not a liveblog per se but i have to SAY THINGS GOSH and im stalling so i dont finish LOL IM SCARED

alright bc thething is i have had my brain shut off for the past few weeks whatever the fuck i havent been in a "lets sit down and talk ad nauseum about it"

whichis such a shame bc LIKE... first bit of s4? i think the opener was bad but a lot of it otherwise middling- HOWEVER AFTER THAT.. GOD THERES BEEN SO MUCH TO SAY SINCE I JUST HAVENT TALKED ABOUT IT

and speaking of openers. i think its kinda funny. premiere notwithstanding, it feels like farscape kinda sucks at openers but literally KNOCKS IT OUT OF THE PARK with season finales. literally. in the thick of it now- but i genuinely think theyve always been, like, so so strong.and thats genuinely so hard to pull off, man.

like im a dw fan and anyways yeah so dw has some of the most inconsistent finales imaginable and it makes me really appreciate a show that CAN do them. like: theyre busy but paced well; its not predictable but its not overly convoluted; theres ups and downs, and theres complications but theyre never contrived.

and i do think farscape has a problem with benching characters and forgetting they exist sometimes but HERE at least they are keeping all of them constantly engaged which is really hard man i do admire it its like..... theres such an ENERGY . like its a proper culmination of events and people coming together and all characters just on their a-game, with a genuinely good story as a foundation. BC ITS EASY ENOUGH TO JUST BRING EVERYONE IN, and arbitrarily up the stakes BUT its another thing to not just... rely wholly on that? which i say again bc you know. doctor who. SORRY TO BE GUY THAT ONLY WATCHES 2 SHIKWS- BUT ITS IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW, FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.

ANYWYS

i shouldhave tlaked more abt the eps in specific but firstly the lead up to this was crazy like the last part of s4 has been so good.

i loved bringing home the beacon. #jirl power. like for all my reservations about noranti and sikozu (which i'll get into more) i do love likejsut seeing... an episode full of women? which i dontknow that probably sounds stupid but god i jsust feel like... EVEN NOWADAYS, when they do have a lot of women in a show sometimes its just forced and i dont mean that in the arsey way i mean that as in, like, they just put more and more women in without properly developing them and so its just a load of stock characters- BUT HERE, we have a genuine range of girlies here carrying the episode each with their own agency, so theyre capable of having such a good dynamic and LISTEN. DUMB BUT ITS REFRESHING. and i really loved the back and forth with aeryn and sikozu in particular and the more tenuous political situation and their reactions to it and how theyre actually similar but obviously have such different ideas on what to DO here like ougghghgh ... AND THE END. SHEESH. its like- its one of those things where you knew it was coming but BY GOD. THE END OF THIS EPISODE.

and then i really loved a constellation of doubt- love introspective episodes, set before/after the more epic finale-type parts - and how it functions like.. especially establishing john's distance from earth and like... how we STARTED this journey with him so desperate to return to it and you'd think that would be the finale of the show but we've been there and it wasnt right bc hes different now and NOW its about aeryn SHE'S the end goal now baby..................

then my fucking god. prayer was holy shit that was DARK as fuck and like- LIKE YAOI BREAK JOKES ASIDE, like... i fucking loved scorpius and john "working together" like that and the tension and JESUS when FUCKING SCORPIUS JUST.... like that whole alternate world is so fucked up man. so fucking fucked up.

AND THEN- GOD, THE AERYN STUFF... LIKE EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT JOHN/SCORPIUS, part of me wishes the whole episode was a long and . immersive look into hers but also i sure a sfuck dont because holy fucking shit like... I WAS SO NERVOUS, YOU KNOW, about the pregnancy storyline going into s4 bc with scifi, stories about pregnancy can so easily go fucking wrong and get horrible and uncomfortable if the writers dont do well AND ESPECIALLY if youre going to darker places likethis like jesus fuckingchrist but... i do think they did a good job of like leaivng aeryn in control of her narrative if that makes sense. i think thats my issue otherwise- like again, with dw the worst fucking offender, who barely even let amy fucking reflect on any of that shit when what she went through was a bodily violation compatable to r#pe but WHATEVER uhm - LIKE... obviously aeryn is also going fucking through it, jesus, horrible fucking shit is happening to ehr, but i dont- like im not against that, you know, so long as we do get to see her and we hear her and its not about crichton although his side is important, and its not FOCUSSED on the horror of it in some strange voyeuristic way (although it can be dangerously close to that) i still found it to be about... HER. YEAH? AND SEEING HER PERSPECTIVE. AND god.....................fuckme.............

andits so funny bc liekfor all i said abt loving the ifnale I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY

I DONT I FOR SURE DONT IM STILL IN IT AND MY HEAD IS FUCKING MUSH THATSWHY IM WRITING ALLTHIS

WHEN STARK REAPPEARED- okay firstly. i love the hair so bad. why didnt we get that. BUT LIKE- WHILST SCORPIUS didnt buy it i for sure bought it at first LOL like msotly bc i have always admired farscape for allowing characters to always have quite a lot of nuance, and having their own individual agenda like.. you know what i mean? its like- going back WAY back to the beginning, with dna mad scientist, it'd be so easy to have them all have a firm allegiance to one another BUT NOPE. and here i'd be like- FUCK, MAN, I DONT KNOW. i wouldnt be fucking mad with stark if he wanted to fuck around and just torture the shit out of scorpius after all he fucking went through, you know.

and speaking of agendas

okay sikozu. which can i say? i keep mispelling her name. thats one thing farscape sucks at. the names are good and inventive and pack flavour- but not fucking memorable, in the slightest. frell me. GOOD CUSSES THOUGH THEYRE GOOD AT THAT I KEEP ACCIDENTALLY ALMOST SAYING DREN WHEN MESSAGING PPL. EMBARRASSING. anyway

where was i

FUCKING SIKOZU

i havent continued watching yet but the whole relevation of her and her allegiance to this resistance... right, ok. heres my thing. i really LIKE it, actually, and i have grown to really like her character and i think shes such a fucking interesting person to drop into the cast and has such a good fucking perspective on things and gives good fucking dynamics with quite a few of the existing cast AND i dont hate this storyline with her at all either and i think if itd been established a bit more beforehand or we'd gotten to explore her a bit more beforehand i would have LOVED-LOVED-LOVED her for what she does BUT

its like.. she kind of got introduced weird AND she starkly.. contrasts the kind of sloppy inclusion of noranti and jool? because listen. i just- i cant help but think...FUCK me. i wish sikozu was introduced WAY back in place of jool, since jool kind of did come back around in the end but ultimately i dont think she ever truly found her place in the show or did much constructive, and what she did do sikozu functions as better as AND that extra time could have really better sewed the seeds of this story bc right now it does kinda feel out of nowhere... not completely far-fetched, though, bc i do think it fits for her as she has always been quite cagey and- SHIT MAN. IM REALISING. I COULD REALLY HAVE FUCKING LOVED SIKOZU IF THEYD JUST DONE HER RIGHT LIKE

and its like i said. i did like jool by the end of her run but i dont think she was... im sorry but i dont think she was ever worth it for what she was and i dont think she really DID much. and i think its like an overall problem farscape as a show has HAD since its moved past s1, wherein like... s1 is SO FUCKING GOOD, and so efficient at building characters well and really putting in the work. but as the show grew it kind of struggled to do that whenever they introduced new ppl which i guess is my frustration with it? they dont rlly take the time to work them into it, in the same way, and i guess they really cant do what they did with s1 bc they have more plot to cover but its a shame. i feel like there was a way to adapt better esp bc like i said like- a lot of the time... the new characters were kind of just?? unnecessary?

and its like dont get me WRONG i dont think a character has to be actively doing something all the time. i stand by the fact rygel is an important character. i think he balances them out really fucking well, serves an important function on the ship in terms of diplomacy and DOES give really good moments and different perspectives that the others could not give. but i think thats also like... dependent on him being a reliably well established character within the show and a thing that has been demonstrated over seasons and in PARTICULAR early on and its usually done with good measure

whereas jool was justlike... genuinely downright bad for the first few eps she was there and it doesnt really feel like she WENT anywhere either in the end even though she did improve and its like. -_- cmon bc SHE DID HAVE AN INTERESTING PREMISE BUT EERHGHG...

and i also bring up noranti bc she too is kind of... just drifting? dont get me wrong- i actually do kind of like her. i know im listening to a podcast alongside the show- and omg, the hosts HATE her so bad. i think shes definitely a taste thing, so id assume jool is too to some extent, bc characters like this are BUT... i do admit she really... hasnt added anything?

and sorry to do this. but im relating it back to dw again. you know dan, yeah? dan was pointless. i liked him. i liked what he brought to the show and i dont think what they tried to do with him was bad. and usually im of the mindsetof like... oh well if they had some good moments with him it wasnt BADLY spent but no ehrm... look... it kinds was, man. bc look- his stuff was good, but it wasnt so original or unique, and i do think a comic relief character did balance them out BUT... its still kind of, like, lazy to just make a whole character for that, yeah? instead of just... developing the ones you have and committing to them? kind of slapping a bandaid on it? like- can yaz and 13 not be funny and lighthearted? cant they carry scenes? and was his story of, like, some fucking dude so singularly unique that you had to compromise 13 and yaz being alone and working on their relationship more in isolation?

thats a more drastic example but my point is i dont know. shes nice and she has had moments but i jsut feel like her too its like... shes really not necessary and its just- i become super conscientous fo it when it jsut feels... redundant to have them about when theres a lot of other more interesting things to explore. i think they justkinda... needed a fucking plot device to write them out of stuff with her powders but like- cmon man..

ANYWAY GOD

WHERE WAS I WITH ALL OF THIS

fucking hel fuck me ive lost all train of thought i should fucking ginish the episo-

IM SCAREEED IM SCAREDDD IM SCAREDDDDTHGOGUGHGHGHHG

#Egg.txt #Farscape liveblog

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skinni-girls-eat-books · 17 days

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Saturday, April 13th, 2024!

8:19pm: Had a quick exchange with him again. Nothing has changed and I don't want to be obsessed with his socials again tbh. I still don't really get the whole "I'm so busy" thing when that was his #1 complaint with me. Like I actually don't understand, being busy is not a flex tbh. Being on your grind is 100% a flex but that goes with work hard play hard. Just saying you're busy makes you sound like an ass 😂 whatever I don't understand anything about him anymore.

I don't want to see his socials anymore because 1) it's all fake af. 2) it makes me wonder why he couldn't change for me, but in REALITY (the real world where I reside) he hasn't changed, his life got 100x easier. No rent, a more basic bitch that doesn't expect anything from him and is weird, and free weed, everyone giving him a ride everywhere (he doesn't even have to drive ever wtf), and everyone just treats him like a spoiled child. Yes..... I'm sure it IS easy to have an emergency fund when you live with your parents for free..... Wtf do you even need an emergency fund for? Wtf kind of emergency are you having, you run out of gas (omg wait he doesn't even drive so what am I talking about) scratch that.... The only emergencies I had living with my parents had to do with my car like..... Jesus I wish that was the fucking case nowadays 💀 Omg why am I even comparing the two of us. I feel like I just snapped back to reality, this guy is still acting like a high schooler. We are literally not able to be compared anymore. I really don't give myself enough credit for doing this shit on my own (really) for 6 months. Let's see your emergency savings after that, dumbass. Stfu. I'm not trying to be mean but we are not the same. I'm about to be done grinding, I've grinded for 7 yrs I'm tired AF. I'll say it again being busy is not a flex.

11:25pm: Ugh he just pisses me off because he's a fucking liar. You can reach me anytime my ass why does he keep saying that when it's not true. What a fuck up. I hate him

2:47am: Well I was on the phone with him for three hours oops probably just fucked up my karma big time. Ugh I need this semester to enddddd. Too much sitting around time, not enough leaving the house to meet new ppl time :/ likeeee I've said a million times and need to remind myself, I don't want to be the reason they break up. Also he said he's planning on moving out with her in 4 months so September? Damn they would've been together a whole year. He said it only feels like it's been a month for him and literally his stuff is still packed up in boxes like wtf. I guess that'll just make it easier to move. Well good for him he sounds like he's really on track for a good life. Idk literally whenever I ask him about her, it's never like super positive. Maybe he just likes that he constantly has something to complain about? I have no idea. He said she's clingy, but sometimes it's too much. And he always says it's ups and downs with them. He sounds like he's really changed, but he says he can't go through breaking another person's heart. Maybe he knows I'm bullshitting him. He also says he is just too embarrassed to get back together with me and have to see my family again, etc. Sounds like he's making the best out of a fucked up situation tbh. During the call, I kept calling him out whenever he would say things that were literally stringing me along, because he didn't know what I was talking about when I mentioned it. He didn't realize how much he was leading me on with the things he's saying until I very clearly pointed it out. All that stuff I texted him must've actually done something too, because it's stuck with him about disrespecting his gf.

Long story short...... I think he's actually gonna change for her if I leave him alone lol. He just gets to live with the fact that he fucked up being with me forever. Making the best of his shit situation. Tbh those antidepressants probably made a huge impact. Glad he got the help he needed. Idk man I guess he's done with me now, he seems pretty done, except for the part where he pulled his dick out again and told me he wanted to stick his dick in my mouth. But whatever.

Actually the part that hurt me the most was when he said she's been his best friend for two years like... The worst part for him was me telling him I let a guy play with my boobs over spring break and one tiny tear rolled down his cheek. Plus I ended up lying since he asked me if someone had been in our bed and I told him no because I could tell that would've really upset him. I think he would've hung up. Also couldn't tell him that yeah someone else had met the cats and pet them. I said what are you gonna do and he .... Clearly isn't going to do anything. Lame.

Longer story short: I need to stop butting in to this mess ig. Makes my stomach hurt tbh. Too much studying today made my brain go crazy. I'm really frazzled tbh. Honestly kinda pissed off all I wanted him to do was help me with the bills and now he's magically able to save $500 a week somehow. Jesus Christ wtf was he spending it on before. I'll never know. Makes me sick to my stomach actually. And it's not magic, it's what he should've been able to do all along, he just wanted to be a little bitch before.

This has stirred up a lot of emotions that I kind of hate. He can't control himself around me fucking bullshit I don't get it. So much of him sounds good but then he does something icky like that. Idk anymore. I'm tired and talking to him has actually just made things worse, not better. End of story.

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seawherethesunsets · 3 months

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[One Million Yen Girl]

oh, so you re-watched. I was running out of things to watch and I took a liking of the actress's expressions/acting when i saw a short video on Instagram. the acting was good, the setting was quite natural.

it was a wild start. the first 15 mins, i couldn't help but laugh cuz she went thru a lot of bad things without a break. poor her.

it wasn't relatable for me but i was continuously curious and nervous about her journey. i was on guard while watching her encounters. i think i was all about the risks and her reaction to unfamiliar environments and people.

the brother was so annoying in the beginning. i can't stand nosy and arrogant characters (the girls on the street belittling her made me almost stop watching) but both the brother and the movie turned well later.

it was interesting to see their stories take turn. we briefly watch him endure the abuse and we move on to her current situation. it was also interesting that he was cruel/rude to his sister but completely powerless towards the kids bullying him and being skeptical about his worth and the validity of his actions. my heart broke seeing him still doubt his final response to them.

the ending. i wasn't ??? but i was feeling uneasy in the last 15 mins because my mind was going back and forth between "is he using her?" and "is he doing it to prevent her from leaving?". as a hopeless romantic, i sensed the reason behind what he was doing (though it was not the best way) but they also hinted that he might be a player. his true intention was going to either hurt my feelings or make me happy. the reveal was weak imo but at the end he wasn't a player, however, most importantly, this movie wasn't about them. lol i got neither hurt nor happy (but a secret third thing.....)

her being able to say whatever was indeed a step for her so i won't and can't call it a bad ending.

i don't know if you see it in your second watch but my one of the favorite things about this movie was the curtain. she brought the curtain she sewed with her everywhere. i enjoyed watching her hang and remove it each time. i'd love it to have a gifset or a series of screenshots.

but overall, i felt that i didn't get the intended message. hearing out another person's perspective would be more than welcome. so thank you for sharing.

[TMTYLM] it wasn't a bad ending but the final week's episodes weren't as rich like the previous episodes. I enjoyed the journey more than its final part. i'll give it a good re-watch later!

have a lovely day/night.

[One Million Yen Girl]

i love aoi yu so much! her acting always amazes me <33

ikr, why is everything going against her, poor girl just trying to survive quietly.

i was ready to fight her brother for being so rude, like i know he's projecting his inability to fight off his bullies to his quiet sister but when he tugged on to her shirt after seeing her fighting off her bullies (they can go to hell lol) and then they held hands and walked back home tgt, him telling her to write to him..he's a little boy indeed.

"this movie wasn't about them" HAHAHA you are so right. when it was revealed why he behaved that way, im just, dudeeeee you showed like you're a bright red flag, i'd leave too if i was her. And the ending when she saw him but shrugs it off, i feel like because so many bad things happened to her, she just dont want to believe that he was actually running after her but nevertheless i think good for her lol.

frienddd i wanted to gif this show so bad after rewatching. and yes! the curtain is so dear to me. but alas, i cannot torrent and the dl link is broken. so until i find a good link~~~~

[TMTYLM]

kinda difficult to find kdramas with an impactful ending nowadays yeah hahah. but glad to know it was a good drama for you!

You have a good week ahead too :))

#ask #❤️❤️❤️#one million yen girl #tell me that you love me

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ram-de · 10 months

Text

paper hazes

just back from another stop... am i in a reading slump...

ugh... i know well what's messing with me now. it's expectations. the very same reason i probably didn't like how things turned out for how the story unfold is that, expectation. like, looking for something that the book doesn't offer. tropes. right, tropes. i should take a break💀 it's never that serious bro I'M SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING FUN AND GIDDY AND JOY... like when i read ari&dante???? I squealed over the yearning in the letters and cried when the accident happens?!?!?! or like when i read eleanor oliphant??? when she slowly opens up to raymond and his family or when that time i was all oblivious so the twist of dissilusionment hits me like a truck or when she broke down and felt like all is over?!??! or mr. linus baker?!??!?! when i could lowkey relate the bleakness of his mundanity and how it changed when he got to know the kids in orphanage and how he allows himself to be more than what he allows himself and when i cried again when he's reunited at the end of the story?!?!? heck even the very short children tale like the little prince and how it's so poignant and bittersweet despite the innocent and rather forward story.

instead i am nitpicking about things i didn't like now. i barely put my thoughts here. i consume like crazy. it's not healthy. it's never been. now ask me about the 20+ titles i've read in the span of two? weeks. can i remember all of them? do i even look up spotify playlist someone made for those books like i used to before? because i used to. though not every track is a hit for me haha so bless those who creates those playlists🙏

i got to know tentang rumahku from laut bercerita, and it reminds me of laut and mara!!! feel good inc. and burn the house down from leonard peacock, and the vibes fit well with how bold and badass these sound. send me from house of cerulean sea, because of how precious this track got mentioned and the scene it attached to? and it's not limited to books either.? i got to know supermassive black hole from black mirror's mazey day.

i mean... like, when i listened to those songs, i can pinpoint exactly what book i read simply because they introduced it to me. and that... that gives the story more meaning for me, in a way... aah!!! i haven't been even thinking of the story before moving on to another nowadays... i don't want to lost the joy of reading!!! that's why i need to take it slow!!! i want to think about it days after i read it!!!! not to be replaced it soon by another!!!! so!!!! listen to me, self!!! ugh,.... though i know it already did become one, don't let this continue be simply a distraction, please... :(

everything in moderation. a certain dj in a mascot from a rhythm game would say.

-----------------------------

just negative vibes here... i had a revelation so i wrote whatever i wrote above.

YES. HELLO. i am... i am burning with a sudden passion to write about tropes. i've been reading a lot of romance books for the past few weeks until... until i began seeing patterns and similiarities in how they progress and then it struck me... i'm losing sparks in reading because most of the time it become a bit too repetitive. not saying i'm not going to read more because if i liked the trope i'd be eating it anyway.

I may or may not be a hypocrite when i wrote this post, know not why my beloved. so, the thing is, i've started reading that book because an undeserved 1 star rating, right. i used to think it's cruel to judge a book because people expected it not to be what it is. BUT THEN... but then i came across a book that made me groan uncomfortably, wishing it to be over. looked at the ratings and then... lots of undeserved 4, 5 stars, of course in my opinions lol. looked at the lower rating AND IT RESONATES WITH ME!??!?! hello!??!?! at this point i'll try not to judge other people tastes and what they rate. i mean, review based on anything, at the end of the day reading (for a hobby) is about enjoyment. and if i or you don't like it, then it's ok.

now. after i confessed my own hypocrisy. let me breakthrough some of the tropes I DETEST. a disclaimer that this is purely my opinion and if anyone (whoever idc) reads this enjoys these then it's ok!!!

codependency. big no for the unhealthy one. super uncomfortable to read when the plot is about when one can't function without the others. like yeah. i hate it. i read this one book where two people are stranded on an island and they become codependent because of it. yeah... yeah no. YEAH NO. I'M THINKING ABOUT IT AND I'M ABOUT TO PUKE. ew... UGH... IT'S SO GROSS. i'm staying away from any stories with THIS TROPE. EVER. screw broaden my reading experiences. I'M NOT TOUCHING THIS TROPE.

age gap. no explanation i think i just am not really comfortable because it's usually paired with some heavy one-sided power dynamics and that usually being the older one. and it's...???

groveling TOO LATE. i love me some groveling and second chances. but when it happens at like 70% of the book and before that it's just one of the character being an asshole to the other one... is it worth it. on that note. lack of consequences. WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR THE WRONGED TO FORGIVE!?!??! HELLO?!?!?!? GET OFF THE FLOOR AND HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT!!! MAKE THE OTHER ONE BEG AND KNEEL AND WHAT THE HELL... WHERE'S THE WRATH?!?!?! FURY!?!? like... ugh...

i'm such a vanilla person because i rather prefer fluff than spice (though i'm not going to deny spices are good too) but when the spices overrides the vanilla so much it ALSO overtook the plot then i don't know what else to think of. like... i guess the seventh time i ate the chili it's not as spicy anymore and at that point i'd rather stop haha

ugh talking negatives is draining. i'm losing energy. i'll stop here.

#ramblingrams

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6afurah · 11 months

Text

On the future

So today ismail's vinyl came in. I'm going to hop over to amcorp on the weekends to see if i can find a good turntable for cheap. I think it'll be a nice gift ( also i kinda want one for myself and im sure he'll let me use it too lol ) The vinyl i got him even comes with a poster i am 100% he'll love it.

But on the topic of his birthday next week,

it's really got me thinking a bunch,

I honestly know he loves me and all that. Without a doubt, in terms of love u know. but i don't know, something feels off, aside from the love thing. could just be me being idk you know paranoid me. Yesterday we discussed about what music we wanna make, and started a playlist for it too.

he's really great, i honestly just feel less alone with this person because we love and want the same things, i've honestly never felt that way about anyone before like that, ive loved other people but i dont think ive really felt what it is im feeling for ismail.

i don't know, maybe it was just the whole marriage thing, He was supposed to marry salma and she's getting engaged, He also met someone else after me, but it didnt work out bcs apparently something something tak sama vision la entah aku pun tak tahu lmfao

I guess it just

annoys me i'm not a girlfriend yet, and even when i am a girlfriend,

why do i get the feeling that this person has no want to marry me at all. He probably doesnt, and i guess it makes sense since we're only on good terms now, 3/4 months

but we've known eachother for a while now, this all doesn't bother me that much to be honest, its just upsetting how my parents don't like him anymore n his parents dont even know i exist

like it all just got thrown out, it feels good writing this down i guess. I dont feel like talking to him about it bcs tbh If he wants to do something about us or make it proper, he has his chance to do so, I'll give him time but honestly, I hate how if someone came along and offered something more concrete that i'd consider it. i love him like on god, dont get me wrong, and tbh i probably wouldnt even budge if someone else wanted me, but i think I just want to be a part of his life again and vice versa, not some weird secret where it's just the two of us.

Whatever, thinking about this just makes me angry.

my birthday happened a few days back, being 22 is not relieving at all. I always feel relief when i get older but now it's just replaced with this weird sense of dread tbh

i missed therapy roday i totally forgot about it. also my left eye hurts and idk why but maybe i need to take a break on the whole eyelash extension thing kejap lololol

if it still feels weird ill get them removed.

i also feel like taking a break from social media, no particular reason, i think its just a thing i feel from time to time.

working at an office i realize, you're just sort of

waiting for stuff to happen most of the time and it gets really boring.

oh i also gained so much weight, like 8 kg idk how i did that but i'm hoping to lose the weight soon. I'm on a calorie deficit right now, but its sort of hard to be consistent since i eat out with people and not eating a normal amount kinda weird people out and i kinda dont wanna weird people out u know???

I wonder when gjie is going to come back to office,

i really suck at scripting radio ads lololol Idk its surprisingly kinda hard to do, and i think its because i dont know how to make something not too formal and not too casual.

I wish my radio station was a little more relaxed. Maybe one day, i'll make my own radio station. Idk its just a funny idea, but it would be cool i think. Just me and myself.

I dont think anyone would listen to it though,

i like to think i'm interesting as a person

but i think i'm not so great nowadays, i'm not as interesting as i thought i was. I also kind of miss my long hair. Its nice having less weight on your hair but , I miss the comfort of long hair, just made me feel protected

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sagemusesoutloud · 3 years

Text

Anti-Romantic, Part 2

(credit to the original owner of the image)

Character | Jaehyun x reader

Genre | nonidol!au, Mutual Pining, Slowburn, Fluff

WordCount | 2 K (bitesized for your convenience lol)

Author'sNote | I know this is kinda short, but I've decided not to rush the ending. I'm for sure not drag it out too much, but the slowburn reaaaally got to me and I ended up liking more than I orginially thought, so! I'll be back to post Part 3 tomorrow!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

I know that you love me, It makes me deeply drunk

You’re like champagne, I shouldn’t do this

You’re at the base of the stairs to your apartment complex when he pulls up. The window on the passenger side rolls down.

“Hurry! I think they’re about to wash the machines at the ice cream shop!” he reaches over and opens your door while you grab your two bags and your pillow. You loved him, you really did, but he had the flattest, most uncomfortable pillows in the world in his guestroom.

“What? Why didn’t you stop there before picking me up? It’s not like you don’t know what I like.” You’re trying to move all your stuff to the backseat as he pulls away.

He sighs, “Thank you Jae, you’re so nice to pick me up,” he mutters. You’d be a bit apologetic if it wasn’t for the grin he was trying to hide. “I’ve already spent most of my ‘special’ day alone, thanks to someone who had to bail on me. I wanna spend the rest with you.”

“I knew it, it bothered you didn’t it?” You accused while fastening your seatbelt. “Next time, just tell me, I know it seems as if I know everything but I actually can’t read minds.” You knew he was just messing with you but for some reason his words cut at the guilty feeling you were trying to push away. “I actually got you something this time around, it’s why I wanted to see you before the day ended.”

Jae parks the car outside the shop before turning to you, “wait, did you really get me something?” You sigh, offended, “well, if you don’t want it or don’t like the idea of it, then I can still return it.”

“I just thought of you when I saw it…” crap, it’s too soon for you to go anywhere near that subject.

“That’s not what I meant,” he shakes his head, “It’s just been a while since we shared birthday gifts.” You look away from him. If he kept this up, you’ll start to regret calling him. Your hands were slightly shaking with the effort of not reaching over and pouring all your feelings into him. Unlike what you’re used to, he was dressed down with a simple t-shirt and grey sweats. He looked so soft, and domestic. You hated how much you loved it. At least for work, you had both always been professionally dressed, which was a nice barrier for your thoughts. If you dressed professional, you felt professional. This helped control your thoughts. But now that you were here with him, it was definitely harder to keep track of your thoughts.

Today was a day for him, not for you. You took in a deep breath as you turn to look at the shop. It looked like they were getting ready to start closing duties. Even if you weren’t looking at him, you could feel your heart race with acute awareness to his proximity in the small car. He was waiting for a response.

You open your door, “yeah well…if we don’t hurry, we won’t get those diabetes-inducing bombs you’re so fond of. And this all would have been for naught.” You needed to get a grip, fast.

I can clearly see the end, Worse than a hangover

It will be hard, Now, Just end it somewhere here

“I can’t believe you told them it was my birthday,” he groaned, pushing off his shoes at the door. You followed suit.

“Of course I did, it meant free goodies!” You raise the plastic bag with macarons. “It just sucks that they’re all valentine’s themed.” You make your way to the kitchen to put away the snacks you brought, dumping your overnight bag at the door of the guestroom. Maybe if you kept the heart-shaped gift out of sight, it won’t make you as nervous with him.

“I brought your fave by the way, chocolate covered almonds and gummy bears,” you call out. He appears in the kitchen, hair out of his way with a headband. Be still my heart, you thought. You decide to hyper-focus on placing some snacks on a plate to bring to the living room.

“So, what’s the plan?” He reaches over you to grab a water bottle from the fridge, brushing your hip with his front. No no no no no no no!

Was he teasing you? You knew that your face would give you away, you could feel how warm your ears and cheeks were. You hated how honest your face was, and it didn’t help that Jae knew you like the back of his hand. Maybe this is how he is nowadays? Flirty and confident? You’d be lying if you didn’t find it attractive, but not when his attention was only directed at you. You felt like you were slowly suffocating but even that wouldn’t stop the warm light that seemed to burst from your chest.

It seemed so easy to pretend you were closer to him, to pretend this happened all the time. That you were close enough to reciprocate his flirty actions.

“uh, em,” you clear your throat, “actually, I remembered you wanting to see that movie last time we hung out. I have it ready in my apple tv account.” You back away with the tray, “can you also grab me a water?” your throat was suddenly parched.

You settle in the couch, grabbing the throw blanket behind you. Any physical barrier you could place between you, you’d take it gratefully. “You remembered? That was almost three months ago, when the trailer came out.” He handed you your water and grabbed at the corner of the blanket nearest to him, covering himself with it and moving closer to you so that you both could fit under it.

“Jae, there’s another blanket on your side of the couch,” you wanted to feel embarrassed but you just felt an unexpected giddy feeling at him wanting to be near you. “Yeah but it’s my birthday and this blanket is my favorite,” he says as he pulls you closer and wraps his arm behind you on the couch.

“here, put in your credentials so we can start the movie,” he hands you the remote.

You suddenly thank your lucky stars that the movie was an action packed one and not a romantic one. You couldn’t help but sink further into his side, wanting to be comfortable. As the movie starts, he takes the remote from your hand and wraps your arm around him. “I’m cold, keep me warm,” he mutters. Oh sweet Jesus.

Back in the day, this wouldn’t have been something new. Your friends knew you were very heavy with the affectionate touches. A hug, sharing seats, even holding hands. You never shied away from it because it was part of how you showed your friends that you loved them. Some of your friends were also this way, so it was never weird. But now that you’re older, and now that it’s been a long long time since you’ve been close to someone else, the once innocent touches Jae was giving you felt like hot brands across your shoulders and under your arm. If you focused enough, you could feel his hard work at the gym in the way your softness gave way to the hard contours of his leg that pressed against yours and how your shoulder leaned against his chest.

This was going to be a long movie.

You prayed that Jae wouldn’t ask you what the movie was about, you only had enough sanity to pay attention to the first fifteen minutes. It was all a blur after Jae pulled you half over on his lap, “you’re hogging the blanket, move over,” was the only excuse he gave.

Now, your legs were tangled with his and you sat almost on his lap, his arms encircling you from behind. He felt so soft and every little movement made your skin break out in goosebumps. You felt like a live wire about to explode.

“D-did you like it?” you started shifting to the side so you could face him but he held you tighter in place, resting his chin on your shoulder. “yeah, it was pretty good, we have to wait for the end credits though. I heard that they’re starting to give hints about The Eternals.”

“Did you like it?” he squeezes your middle.

Did you? You’re not sure, but you sure as hell loved the attention you were getting for the past two and half hours. “Yeah, all Marvel movies are great,” you finally concede.

“Wanna watch another one? You can pick this time,” his hand started tracing through your arm as you waited for the stupid end scene that was taking too long to start. Is it getting hot in here?

“Sure, whatever you want,” you mutter. He could have asked you for the most ridiculous thing and you would have still agreed to it.

Jae wakes with a start, the room was dark, the only light came from the still on TV. A show was playing softly, the clock under the tv read 3:45 am. He felt pretty hot, was the A/C not working?

He begins to shift when he realizes the position you both are in. Your legs were still tangled together, as if unconsciously refusing to let go of the proximity. You gripped his shoulder, your breath hitting his neck as you slept soundly on top of him. God, if this is a dream, let me never wake up, he thinks.

He usually hates being too close to someone, any sort of intimacy was bad news to Jaehyun. Either emotionally or physically, he kept everyone at a distance because he had seen it too often. How people settled for something they weren’t sure of and hurting those involved. He was aware he was too logical sometimes, but it’s what he knew to protect himself. Moments like these, they only lead to expectations and empty feelings, leaving behind only pain that even time couldn’t heal sometimes.

But why was he finding it so hard to untangle himself from your embrace? He should go to his bed and sleep comfortably, but at the same time, having you in his arms felt just right. Like two pieces of a puzzle finally coming together.

He could smell the light scent that was you and it almost made him squeeze you closer, as if it was possible. You smelled of spring, a light floral scent that reminded him of better days.

He was glad he woke up, he was going to enjoy every second of peace this brought him. He would store it in a little box and hold on tightly when the cold reality came back. As he fought with his drowsiness, he felt you nestle closer. He kissed the crown of your head as he finally gave in to sleep. I hope I dream of you… If this was love, he finally understood why sometimes the pain was worth a shot.

So stupid, sweet love song, extravagant rom-com

As much as I was happy, on the receipt there’s a red line

EndNote | I know this chapter was pretty short. In all honesty, I had written something else before deleting it entirely and starting again, but I really like the direction the story is going now. Hopefully I can update Part 3 tomorrow, but I'm really excited about it!

Previous: Part 1 | Next: Part 3

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