Pepper passed away this morning. last night jose called me over while tending them; she was dehydrated, lethargic, wheezing, I'd played with her normally the day before. she's been slowing down with age, but this was a crash. we gave her water and heat support, i was planning to bring her in to work first thing this morning, but when we woke up she was gone in the same cozy position we left her in. i believe she just faded peacefully.
we're pretty devastated. she was 14, our first animal, we've had her almost half our lives. she was very much jose's baby. it really hit me when i carried her to my clinic and prepped her for cremation; that's a task i do frequently after euthanasia and it's become a kind of ritual, but carrying your own animal is just so different. I'm really sad.
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yet another writing ask: 23 and 32 if you would like to <3
Thank you 🙇🙇
23. Dialogue or description? Why is the other one so hard?
GOD. Dialogue is so hard. I get soooo stressed in rpf bc I often want or am including multi-lingual players who do not speak like a generic Californian, and I get real in my head about like...capturing that authentically and sensitively. Like description is easier to deploy meaningfully and if I fuck it up, I find that way more forgivable in myself than like writing a multilingual player and accidentally leaning into stereotypes about speech patterns or ways of expression that aren't True To Nature. and like to be clear this is specifically about non-Canadian/American players, like if I fuck up some American NCAA white jock who gives a shit but if I leaned to stereotypes about like how idk Russians speak, I would just die. and I have done this!!! I look back at some of my old sidgeno works and I'm like this is unforgiveable lol.
I'm poking at a concept with Radim Šimek, who is from Czechia, and I'm stressing sooo bad about his speech patterns and how he expresses himself in interviews vs teammates, particularly after I noticed how obvious it is that he learned in English in the Bay Area, which is not like...a particularly unique version of English, but I've noticed that sometimes the way Bay Area ppl inflect words is absolutely deranged. and like how does that affect how you express yourself yk, and like I'm basing all of this off getting lectured for being lazy in five years of French classes in high school and college, which is not even remotely the same thing
Also. At least once per fic, I have to go through a delete an instance of "hella". That man from Ontario would not fucking say "hella".
32. Do you have a word/expression that you always use in your writing?
Well I absolutely overuse "like" in speech which is what happens when you grow up in California and write primarily in a fandom of white jocks. Also tend to use "sounding strangled" with regularity, but I have never been able to figure out how to execute that specific emotion any other way (I have not tried very hard)
Thank you!!!
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i'm aroace, sex repulsed and don't get traditional romance or find the need for it, but I still often think how it would be neat to have a gf/partner for other purposes that arent romance and sexual. but it seems impossible to make someone want to date you if you take out those things????
sometimes I think it would be nice to have a gf to do cute gay cosplay photoshoots with. there would be mouth smooching and you usually can't do that with a friend and I don't really want to either, so a gf would be useful for that.
then there's hating showers because they exhaust me and it would be nice to have a gf to wash my hair and stuff for me??? can't call up a friend to do this every time I need to shower. that won't work and I doubt they'd want to/be comfortable doing that.
most friends will end up putting all their priority into their partner and/or family they create. I want someone that will make me their priority and not run off with someone else they start dating and abandon me??? something like that. their priority is cleaning our home together, hanging out together, going shopping and other domestic/partner stuff. they don't do that with someone else or use me temporarily until they can find a partner. so it's essentially dating/being partners. but it looks different from your typical expected romance and partnership.
doesn't matter how aroace I am, I have accepted that a relationship is beneficial in many ways and there's certain things that you can't expect friends to cover and they can't fill. but I have zero interest in looking for a partner in traditional ways that requires small talk/flirting/dates/etc. so that makes me realize i'll most likely not trick someone into partnering with me lmao
the internet seems to call this kind of thing "queer platonic relationship" (did I remember it right?) and you just need to find another sroace person to do it with. but either way, there's no textbook to study for how to get that and where to find these people. it seems harder than the puzzle that is regular dating tbh.
there's that saying "there's other fish in the sea" but i'm a worm in a puddle the other worms got out before they drowned. there's no fish here lmao. my options are so limited that I haven't met a single option yet in my life. there's barely any chance the first aroace person I meet irl will be compatible, or the first compatible person will accept a relationship with an aroace. you know what I mean? any other aroace that's interested in some kind of relationship/partnership and feel like you don't get that whole sea to choose from like everyone else and only have a dried up puddle? 😅
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how and why is there discourse about whether or not certain queer identities exist/if people should be allowed(???) to use them. why is "people know their own identity better than you ever could, and they're the only one who get a say on what they are" such a tough concept to grasp
i think if you find yourself offended by the label someone uses (especially if they're a stranger) or think it invalidates your own, it's a good idea to look inside yourself and question why that may be. more often than not, it's a result of insecurity or uncertainty of your own identity (or many other things, but i won't make a whole list here). whatever reason it is, until you resolve it, you shouldn't take it out on people for having an identity you don't understand
many have said it before but it's worth saying over and over. infighting only helps our oppressors. conservatives don't care if you're a cis gay or a xenogender aegosexual aplatonic lesbian, they hate all of us either way. trying to fit in by going for people who are easier targets for them isn't gonna help you, it'll just alienate you from your own community, and you're never gonna please them. the momentary rush you get from hearing you're not like "one of /those/ gay people" is not worth it and is gonna do more harm in the long run, i assure you
also, it is important to me to say this, but having some less than nice kneejerk reaction caused by confusion about an identity you don't understand doesn't mean you're a bad person or anything. as long as you aren't mean to that person, and you take a second to think smth along the lines of "wait a minute, this isn't any of my business" after having said reaction, you're good 👍 a lot of reflexive reactions we have to things are ingrained into us simply by. well. living in a society 🤡 and you're not terrible for having those thoughts. it's your actions that matter, and your second thought (the "wait, why did i just think that?") is more defining of your actual character and morals than your reflex. i know that having thoughts like this, even tho they're unwanted, can very easily make one spiral, so it's important to me that whoever needs to hear this knows this doesn't make you a bad person 🙏 you're good, keep taking actions to be good, accept other people even if you don't understand them, and you're on the right track :)
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Some little tid bits about Dragonborn lore that hit hard for my Dark Urge Dragonborn:
Clan means everything. This is referenced so many times in dialogue options for a dragonborn player. I always have Moon choose it, but in a sarcastic or dreadful way. Her only sense of "clan" is Bhaal's cult, most likely a deeply seeded notion given to her by her mother. Even her own mother would have chosen the cult over her, and Moon is aware of this. Always was. It wouldn't surprise me if Moon eventually killed her, either out of personal pleasure or as an act of offering towards Bhaal- maybe both.
I like to think Moon was raised on a twisted version of this. That she was taught all her "playthings" were to be "respected". Given her druid class, she was always directed at how predators treated their prey- a meaningful hunt. But again, with a cultist twist on it. All of Moon's victims were a boon to her father, so all held meaning. All deserved her utmost attention and time. Though most probably wished she had just ended it quickly...
This has always been my canon for Harvest Moon from the start:
She was always desperate for approval from Bhaal, conditioned to desire it more than anything else in her life. She was born for the sole purpose of pleasing him, a faithful child, and if she fell short in any way, she was a waste of resources and time.
When the events of the betrayl of the Dark Urge took place, and she ended up with a tadpole plus amnesia, for the first time, Moon has that conditioning shoved aside. She was actually allowed to think for herself and what she wanted. Sure, Moon still felt the conditioning affects- hence the "urges"- but she was at last an individual. A very smart individual. One that quickly began to enjoy her newfound freedom.
This is all VERY against how Moon was raised. She was taught to always safeguard her emotions, always prove calm, collected, and precisely emote nothing unless in the act of happily slicing through a victim. Such strong shows of emotion could either be used against her or be undesirable to her father, in which case she would be rightfully punished.
All her life, Moon has been fighting against her own nature. Very ironic, as she'd, as an adult, take on the druid class.
A very small thing, but Moon does have a tail, and she does get a lot of looks from other dragonborn for it. One more thing that separated her from her kin throughout her upbringing, I suppose.
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