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#of late i have been thinking about despair
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Sanji- A Moment Alone @ the Whole Cake Chateau
Now I’ll be honest, I haven’t read much Sanji as he’s not one of my mains. However, Whole Cake inspired me to give writing him a go. Thoughts are welcome.
Warnings: 18+ Minors DNI, NSFW, Spoilers for Zou/Whole Cake, vaginal sex, blowjob, deep throating, pet names, fingering, oral female/male, female riding, breeding, one night stand, I don’t own these characters. A bit fluffy at times.
Summary: Sanji leaves the crew to go to Whole Cake Island, due to a scheme cooked up by Big Mom and his dad. You realize when he’s gone, you may have feelings for him and decide to go after him with the help of Luffy and your crewmates. Once you find Sanji, well, he can’t leave, but you get one night together…
Sanji-Whole Cake
You’d never thought much about Sanji and his advances before, that was until he was gone. When he left Zou suddenly, and to get married of all things, something clicked inside you. Sanji was your friend, but maybe you felt more for him than just friendship?
You’d been with the Strawhats for a while now. Decent fighter, devil fruit ability, and always willing to help with the cooking and cleaning on the ship. Your upbringing was rocky and you thought there was no beauty left in the world. That was until the Strawhats saved you and told you about their adventures. That’s when you realized your dream, to find the beauty in the world from end to end and document it.
Sanji and you were close. You realized preparing food for a crew with a big eater like Luffy, was no easy feet, so you started offering your assistance early on. Though, he rarely took it, as he would rather a pretty lady like you, sit and relax, so he could serve you. However, after much insisting and some teasing that resulted in nose bleeds threatening to ruin his food, he eventually came around.
When he left you were speechless. You just thought he was off in the kitchen again, insisting on no one helping him. Then, a day went by and there was no swooning at your feet or the smell of his cigarettes on the breeze. You missed the way he’d put his arms around you to help teach you to chop things properly. You missed how he’d drop everything to help you or any female if they were in any sort of trouble. You missed how he puffed on his cigarettes in the heat of battle. You missed his advice and his fights with Zoro. Most of all, you missed staying up late and looking at the stars with him. On those nights, you’d discuss what you thought would be at the end of the line, the end of the new world, laughtale. You’d talk about your pasts and your hopes for the future. You never thought your future would be without Sanji. You didn’t know in what capacity, but you knew he’d always be there.
He said he’d be back, he smiled when he said it, but something didn’t feel right. Something in your heart ached. Something funny or sad would happen and he was the first person you’d want to tell, but he was gone. How’d you let him go?
You sat alone outside staring up through the forest at the stars. Nami came out and found you. She sat next to you before you realized she was there. You glanced at her and gave her a half smile.
“Y/N, what’s wrong? You haven’t been yourself since Sanji left.” Nami asked.
You glance at her then look back at the stars and sigh. You stare forward blankly a moment and before you can speak she opens her mouth again.
“We all miss him, Y/N, but he will be back. Luffy won’t let him go.”
“Yeah.” You say softly. “And this time I won’t let him go... Nami, I think…”
“You have feelings for Sanji? Yeah we all already know, took you long enough to realize.”
You gasp and stare at her in despair.
“What? Does he..?”
“He has no idea, but the man is head over heels for you. As soon as Luffy gets here… let’s go get him.” She says looking at you with a large smile.
When Luffy got to Zou and found you all, he agreed he needed to go after him. You were the first person to say you were tagging along. After a few days on Zou helping the minks and making plans, you head to Whole Cake Island in the hopes of bringing Sanji home to the Sunny. Once on Whole Cake island you, Luffy, Nami, Chopper, and Carrot got lost in the seducing woods. Big Moms daughter, Brûlée, managed to trap you in her Mirror World with Chopper and Carrot. While Luffy and Nami set off to find Sanji. Later using a shard of mirror you find a chance to contact Luffy and Nami for an update on their progress. While you were trapped in the mirror world you learn they had found Sanji, and he had beaten Luffy in a fight. He ultimately, refused to come back. You couldn’t believe your ears at the news. That wasn’t the Sanji you knew.
Luffy’s new plan was to wait for Sanji to come to him. You, Carrot, and Chopper continued to work on finding a way out of the mirror world, so you could reconnect with him and Nami.
In a moment of selfishness as your thoughts went only to Sanji, you make a plan to escape alone from the Mirrorworld. You had seen a reflection of Sanji in a nearby mirror and decided to use Brûlée to get back to the real world, through that same Mirror. While tied up, you managed to trip one of her guards causing them to tumble and almost knock over her stew pot. While Brulee was yelling at them for this, you managed to inch your way up to grab something sharp to cut through your rope bonds from a nearby counter. Once freed, you waited for Brûlée to head towards the mirror where you had earlier seen Sanji’s reflection. You looked at Chopper and Carrot and threw the sharp object behind your back for them to begin working on their ties. You inched closer to them.
“I’m going to go find Sanji. Can you two find Luffy and Nami?” You whisper.
“You want to split up? Why don’t we go together?” Chopper whispered urgently.
“If Luffy couldn’t get through to Sanji, I’m the only one who still has a chance. You and Carrot get out of here. Besides, if Big Mom’s family is as big as they say, I’m better off going in alone, less likely to be detected. I’ll take a piece of mirror for updates. Good luck.” You say softly as you eye Brûlée walking towards the mirror you need.
The rabit and train man suddenly turn their backs to you, distracted by the smell of the stew. You hop to your feet and run towards the mirror where Sanji’s reflection used to be. She screams as you grab her wrist and pull her towards the mirror with you. You cross through the mirror, and as you exit, you drop her wrist. Once out of the mirror, you turn around and watch as she stares at you, stunned. The creatures working with her begin to run towards the mirror. As they do so, you grab the mirror from the wall and smash it on the ground.
“Well that may have been a bit loud.” You whisper to yourself.
You turn about the room and notice you’re in a bedroom. No one was inside. Inside the room there was a dresser, a bed, a small table, a few chairs, a kitchenette, and a now shattered mirror. It must be where they were keeping Sanji in the Whole Cake Chateau, you thought.
You find a nearby door of a closet and jumped inside. You wait a few minutes, but no one enters after the crash of the mirror. You exit the closet and re-examine the room.
You weren’t sure where Sanji was or when he would come back. You decided your best bet was to hide behind where the door swung open, just in case an enemy entered. About 30 minutes later Sanji entered the room, alone. Upon entering the room he stared at the storm brewing out the window by his bed. You let the guards that escorted Sanji to his room exit and shut the door fully before you acted.
“Sanji.” You whispered.
He gasped nearly dropping his cigarette as you called to him. He turned around and there you were. You were wearing a short sleeved white ruffled dress, the top of which, emphasized your breasts and showed some cleavage. The bottom of the dress cut just below your ass and had a pink apron over it. It was a bit tattered after your fights in the seducing woods and in the mirror world.
You stepped forward towards Sanji and his body tensed. You continued towards him and buried your face in his chest. You gripped at his shirt and began to sob. He immediately clamped back down on his cigarette and wrapped his arms around you. He pulled you in for a deep embrace and paused to smell your hair. His breath caught in his throat as he pulled you arms length away from him. He stared down at you in disbelief, but you weren’t ready to look at him.
“Y/N. What are you doing here? I told Luffy I wasn’t coming back.”
You finally looked away from his chest and stared up at him with tear filled eyes.
“Sanji. I won’t let you go. I… I need you.”
“Wha..” He stuttered out.
As he did so, his cigarette hit the ground below him. Sanji quickly realized this and stamped it out before the carpet got set alight. He never let go of your waist as he did so. Once that situation was handled his gaze returned to you. Your eyes glistened with tears and you took a deep breath.
“I didn’t believe Luffy. I had to hear you say it yourself.” You said as you move your hands to his arms.
He stared at you a moment with his teeth clenched. He looked down at the floor where his cigarette laid, burnt out.
“Y/N. Im sorry I lied to you all about who I was. I’m sorry you came all this way for me, but I’m marrying Pudding tomorrow. She wants to marry me and I think I’ll be happy with her. There is nothing Luffy or… you… can do to stop me”
Your hands dropped down from his upper arms to rest on his forearms and your head falls.
“Even if I told you..”
Sanji’s body tensed against your hands. He stared down at you intently.
“Even if I told you I loved you.” You reply as you stared intently at his chest, taking a moment to get the words out before you glanced up at him.
He grunted in surprise and stared at you blankly. He then closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
“Y/N. I love you too…”
He looked down at you and you raised your head to look up at him. He tucked a piece of hair behind your ear and smiled.
“You’re incredible Y/N-swan and you’re unbelievably beautiful… but…” He said as he closed his eyes and sighed again. “Hours ago I would’ve done anything to hear those words… but now… I can’t… I can’t leave. I have to see this through.”
“Why?” You said as you griped his shirt sleeves tighter.
“For your safety!” He said as he pulled you tighter to him.
“I can protect myself!”
“Not against this… you, Luffy, Nami, Zeff, everyone. None of you are safe. My staying keeps you safe.”
“I don’t care. We are strong, we don’t need you to save us!” You yell as you looked deeper into his eyes.
“You’re strong, but not enough for this…. Y/N you have to go.” He said as he pulled you into a tight embrace.
He planted a kiss on your forehead and held you tight against his chest a moment. You wrapped your arms around his neck and hugged him back.
“If you really love me, you’ll let me go. You’ll help Luffy become King of the Pirates and make sure he and the crew stay fed.”
You nod your head against his chest. You squeezed him tight one more time, then pulled back. You placed your hands on his chest and lifted your head to look him in the eye one last time.
“Sa…Sanji… if this is really it. Then…”
He looked at you, and softly smiled. He caressed your check a moment and slipped his fingers under your chin. He tilted your chin up and kissed you. His lips were soft and tasted of cigarettes and vanilla. He was gentle at first, but his passion quickly grew as both of remembered this would be your first and only kiss.
You moved your hands behind his neck and curled your fingers in his hair, pulling him deeper into you. His tongue began to stroke your lips and you opened wider, allowing your tongues to dance together. Next, You pulled a hand from his hair and began to slide it down his chest, pausing at his peck to push him away from you. You looked down at where you and his feet meet and slowly trailed your eyes up his body to meet his gaze. You stared at each other in silence a moment before you began to speak.
“Sanji… just once… I need you.”
Your gaze darted to his lips, then back to his eyes. A small drop of blood came out of his nose as he stared at you, wide eyed. You chuckled and step away from him to grab a tissue off the table. You returned and wiped his nose, setting it on the table beside you. Once you had, Sanji grabbed you by your wrist and pulled you back into his chest, placing his lips back against yours.
He kissed you more intensely than the first time. You began unbuttoning the buttons on his dress shirt as he started kissing and biting down your neck. Once his shirt was unbuttoned, you began licking and kissing down his chest and abdomen. At the same time, your hands slowly traced their way down his abs to the hardened bulge forming in his pants. His head fell back and he moaned as you clawed at the fabric of his pants.
“No princess, I should take care of you.” He said as he reached down to pull your lips back up to his.
You shook him off and began unzipping and unbuttoning his pants. You paused during this, to kiss and lick right above his waistband before you tugged his pants down. You watched as his erect length flopped out and slapped your chest. His pants fell to his feet and you looked up at him with a smile.
“And I want you to drip down my throat first.” You say with an eyebrow raise as Sanji swooned.
You dropped to your knees in front of him and his erect length. As you did he pulled his shirt off his shoulders and looked down at you with a loving smile.
You gently placed your hands on his knees and kissed up his legs to his length, slowly moving your hands up as you went. You leaned back and wrapped your hands around his length. One hand wasn’t enough to hold it all. You raise your eyebrows with a smirk and look at him when you realize this, placing a second hand around him. He grunted as you began to lick his pink tip with your tongue. You moved one of your hands to play with his balls while you teased his tip a few times. He began to moan and claw at your hair and neck. You smiled against him, then moved your hand from his balls back to his length.
You dropped your tongue back into your mouth and allowed your lips to spread wider. You gently pushed your mouth forward allowing your lips to swallow his length. He moaned as it slide fully into your mouth. You began bobbing your head against his length, gradually taking more and more in your mouth with each entrance.
Sanji couldn’t take it anymore, his hand moved to grip the back of your head and his hips began to undulate against your face. You smiled against his hard member and shifted your hands to his ass. You moaned as took control the pace and amount being shoved down your throat.
“Taking me beautifully, Princess. Going to cum..”
You smiled and tried to nod, but his pace was too quick. Your eyes started to water. You felt his length begin to twitch as he slammed his member against the back of your throat. You moaned as he repeated this once more. His seed shot down the back of your throat and he began to pant. He pulled his cock from between your lips and you swallowed. You stick out your tongue and showed him it was clean.
“Fuck, Y/N. You’ve never been as beautiful as when you were just taking me. You’re a goddess.” He replied looking at you as you got back to your feet.
You smiled, then turn your back to him and pointed to your zipper. His eyes widened as he reached for it. He unzipped it slowly, taking the time to kiss down your shoulders and back as unzipped. He pushed the sleeves off your shoulders and let the dress fall to the floor in front of you. He embraced you from behind and began playing with your breasts. He squeezed at your hard buds with one hand and trailed his other down to your underwear. He carefully pushed your panties to the side and started feeling between your slick folds.
“This wet for me already, princess? What’s daddy to do?” He asked as he continued rubbing your folds and squeezing at your nipples.
You moaned and pushed your back and ass harder against his chest and exposed member. He stopped playing with you a moment to push down your underwear. You take that moment to turn around and let him see you from the front. He gulped hard and clearly stopped breathing as he stared.
“Well daddy, do you like what you see?”
Sanji’s eyes went wide and his nose began to bleed again. His arms dropped from your waist and he fumbled to reach for a tissue to clean his nose up. As he did, you sensually sauntered over to the bed and laid back, spreading your legs wide.
“You got one night Sanji.” You said as you flip your hair and sat up on your elbows. “Come show me cooks know how to eat too.” You said with a devilish smirk.
Sanji drooled as he ran towards you and jumped on the bed. He paused in front of your core and stared at it a few moments with delight. He then began to kiss up your thighs towards your core. Once at your core he looked up at you and smiled.
“You’re beautiful, my love. Daddy can’t wait to show you how a goddess deserves to be treated.”
He kissed and licked your Clit. As he did, you laid your head back on the pillows behind you and reached for the bed beneath you. He moved his tongue down to lick at your entrance. Your feet lifted and dropped against the bed at the anticipation of his tongue entering you.
“Sanji.” You called with a desperate moan as your right hand ruffled his hair.
You felt his tongue moving in the shape of what you guessed to be letters at your entrance. His left hand moved and started to slowly rub your clit, the action of which made your body shudder. You felt Sanji’s mouth form a smile and his tongue begin to lap at your insides. Your knees bent inward towards him and he moaned at your taste. He continued circling your clit with his left hand and curled his tongue to hit your spot. He started slow then bobbed his tongue out of you quicker and quicker. You begin to feel heat build in your core.
“Sa—-nnn-ji.”
He smiled again, then moved 2 fingers on his right hand to push in and out of you. His tongue curled at your spot faster and faster. Your hips buckled against his hands and face.
“Sanji!” You moan as your juices squirt on his tongue and fingers.
He began licking your juices with his tongue, but continued pushing his fingers in and out of you as he did.
You moved your hands to your sensitive nipples and began rubbing them as Sanji cleaned you up. Your hips still moved softly against him. You moaned at the touch of his tongue and of your hands against yourself.
“Sanji…. I- need you.” You pulled him up by his hair and looked at him with raised eyebrows.
He nodes and moved his chest up to rest above yours. He placed his arms above yours and began to kiss you. His once again, hardened member flopped on your stomach. You moved your hands to pump it a few times. He moved a hand to meet yours on his length. You let him take over and run your hands up his chest to rest around his neck. As you did, he moved his length to your folds and began to rub it up and down.
You moaned against his lips. He chuckled and began kissing down your neck and chest to your breasts. At your breasts he bit and sucked at your hardened buds.
“Can’t wait anymore, need you inside.” You called as your fingers fumbled through his hair.
“As you wish, princess.” He said as he stopped sucking on your hardened nipples and returned to look into your eyes.
He moved his length to your entrance and kissed you softly as he slowly and gently entered you. He gave you a few moments to adjust to his length before he started to push in and out. He pulled away from your lips and admired the bounce of your breasts for a few seconds.
“My princess, my goddess, is so tight for me.” He moaned as he continued to buck his hips against yours causing his member to go deeper towards your cervix.
“Now that you’re adjusted, how about riding me, princess? I want a better view of those perfect tits bouncing.”
You nodded. He grabbed your waist and your back and you held on to his shoulders. In one fluid motion, he flipped on his back and you were on top of him without him ever leaving your core. You moved your hands to his chest and began rolling your hips, your core tightened around him as you did. He played with your breasts and admired you atop him.
“So pretty. I’m the luckiest man in the world. I could die happy.” He swooned while you got your bearings atop him.
Once you got your bearings you began to bounce on him, moving your arms to his legs for balance. You bounced, slow at first, but quickly picking up the pace. He moaned as he watched you roll your hips against him with your bounces. As his climax began to build he moved a hand to rub your clit, causing the heat in your belly to start to rise.
“Sanji going to cum.” You muttered.
“Me too princess, where would you like me too?”
“Innnsideee.” You begged as your eyes crossed.
You leaned forward on him and quickened the pace of your bouncing, while he pushed on and twirled his thumb over your clit. Your tits bounced in his face, awakening something in him. He moved his hands around your waist and thighs and took over control of the pace. He slammed his length into your cervix a few times and you moan as his length twitched in you. His juices spilled from your core and you moaned at the feeling of wetness on your thighs. You continued to rock against him as he moaned. As you did, he moved his hand back to your clit, rubbing two fingers over it. Your core tightened at the touch, his length twitched a bit more, and your heat burst atop his member.
“Sanji!”
You fell on top of him and both of you panted. Once you’d both caught your breath, you rolled off him and moved to lay against his side. He kissed you softly at first, then he pulled you closer and it became deeper and more fervent. Then, suddenly he pushed you away. He moved to sit on the side of the bed and reached for something to clean himself up with. He then sat there and sighed. You sat up and wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. He placed his hands over yours around his neck.
“I’m sorry princess, funs over.” He said as he kissed your hand and removed your arms from his neck.
He got up and began to get dressed, stopping only to bring you your clothes and something to clean up with. You stared at him a moment then sighed and join him in getting dressed. Once dressed you headed to the door. Tears formed in your eyes as you reached for the handle. A hand grabbed yours and turned you to look back at him.
“Thank you for everything, Y/N. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more for you. For the crew. I’m sorry I failed you all.” He said with his head tilted down.
You leaned up and kissed his cheek, then headed out the door. He followed you a few steps out the door to give an excuse to eggplant (the guard on his detail). He watched you go and his eyes began to water.
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thedrarrylibrarian · 2 days
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When I first started Happy Hour, @crazybutgood made me the cutest origami mug that resembles the foamy butterbeer in my Happy Hour image. I had been so nervous to try something new and write recs instead of just do lists and seeing that someone had enjoyed my rec enough to sit and fold paper into art was really touching to me. Since then, our whole fandom has been privileged to enjoy this unique and creative art that @crazybutgood has contributed. It's a joy to invite her to Happy Hour to give her own rec.
Thank you to @thedrarrylibrarian for this opportunity and for thinking of me!
The fic I’d like to rec is A Christmas Miracle by @sleepstxtic (E, 39k)
Draco is a world-renowned Magi-Diagnostician and Harry is a Cursebreaking Healer, both working in St. Mungo's. They're not- quite-friends, not-quite-lovers, who argue at work and have sex on the weekends. And they're both fine with it, thank you very much. But when a mysterious attack in the hospital leaves Draco trapped in a coma, Harry must do all he can to save him. All the while, an inexplicable, deadly, children's illness is spreading through wizarding London. Oh, and there's some Time Magic thrown into the mix.
Or
A Christmas Carol with a Drarry twist.
Though this 25 Days of Drarry fic is set during Christmas, it’s a perfect read for any season. @sleepstxtic (Kat) uses her own wonderful take on A Christmas Carol to weave together a gripping medical thriller with Draco racing against time to save Teddy, after himself going on a journey of self-reflection as he travels through time with his Ghosts of Christmas. The scenes Kat writes for the time-travel are as emotional and gripping as the suspenseful case in the present, as Draco, moved by his eye-opening experience, navigates his duty – and expressing his feelings for Harry. The characters’ (including great OCs) dynamics, personalities – especially Draco’s growth – and dialogues are deliberate, on point, and a delight to read. Plus, Kat gives an especially wonderful snark and demeanour to Draco that are not only reminiscent of her inspiration of House M.D., but is also uniquely him. Of course, Harry too has his own sassy moments thrown in with his softness towards Draco.
Why I especially rec this fic (apart from Kat's brilliant writing that I always love) is that by December 2023, I had been on-and-off and down about a lot of things, including fandom. Though I wasn't sure where I stood then, one thing I knew was that I could always count on Kat’s amazing stories cheering me up. This one came at a time when I appreciated anything to rely on as an escape and a treat, and adding it to my list of subscriptions to daily updating fics last winter was a joy. The anticipation and thrill of following a daily WIP is something else; I eagerly read as the story unfolded each day, especially mulling over what might happen next after each cliffhanger, which Kat is infuriatingly good at. Her story is a wonderful unique blend of concepts and feelings of despair, fear, hope, and love, gelling into a plot that'll definitely have you hooked. Whether you choose to savour a chapter a day in your free time, or treat yourself to a late-night binge, I hope you enjoy unravelling the mysteries of the puzzling illness, what happened to Draco, and his and Harry’s future.
❤️ As always, if you find a fic you enjoy, please leave the author a kudos or a comment! ❤️
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wrappedinthemilkyway · 13 hours
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A Lover's Embrace
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Pairing: Joel Miller x Reader
Summary: After ignoring your anxiety for too long, it all comes out. Luckily, Joel is there to hold you through it.
Warnings/Tags: Soft!Joel, can imagine game!Joel or tvshow!Joel, can be pre-outbreak or post-outbreak, reader has no desciption, petnames, crying, anxiety and difficult emotions, comfort
Word Count: 1.4k
a/n: I have had nothing but anxiety for the past couple of weeks and finally had some room to breathe so I decided to write a little comfort piece.
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You’d spent the entire week trying to ignore the feeling that had been bubbling inside you. 
The first three days were spent in denial. The anxiety that had started to swirl in you lingered more like a nuisance than a real threat. You couldn’t understand why it was there, why now. 
So you pushed through it, carried on with your daily tasks as though it wasn’t there. 
But after those first few days of denial, it had become unbearable. It was impossible to escape the feeling that was overtaking your body, the sensation digging deeper and deeper into your chest until you were sure you would collapse in on yourself. 
It had become suffocating, and the suffocation of it only magnified what you were feeling. A week into feeling that suffocation, with no end or remedy in sight, the anxiety within started to bubble and leak out. 
There was a sadness mingling with it now. A feeling of despair, of frustration, with yourself as much as it had also been about the unwanted feeling. 
Through it all, the main priority had been caging it in and locking it up, determined to not let it interfere with your life or with Joel’s. 
Joel had been busy, too. The more he was needed by others, the longer he spent away from home. When he’d return to your shared home late into the evening, you already in bed, you didn’t have the heart to lean on him. He was carrying so much. He always carried too much. And you didn’t want him to have to carry you despite his exhaustion. 
This night wasn’t very different from those other nights. 
Joel was still not home. The darkness of the night had already started to take over the sky, and the house you occupied had become silent once again. And that feeling, that anxiety, only grew in that silence. 
A shaky sigh escaped your lips as you aimlessly walked through the space, eyes scanning for ways to distract yourself from the feeling taking over. Hand pressed to your chest, an attempt at grounding yourself, as you tried to steady your breathing. 
You moved into the kitchen, deciding that tea would help, that the warmth would somehow end the anxiety. The heat, however - like every other night so far -, did nothing. It instead felt like the warmth was scorching you, the heat of your anxiety mingling with the tea, fueled by it. 
You tried everything. You did those breathing exercises, you opened a window; you’d even tried touching something soft, a blanket Joel had gifted you, in hopes that it would somehow replicate his presence and ground you. But nothing worked. 
Tears of frustration gathered at your eyes, and you began to make your way into your bedroom, hoping that sleep would come faster than all the previous nights. Hoping that the feeling would end. 
You watched as the clock kept moving. 8pm. 9pm. 10pm. And then, finally, 11pm. 
The lack of sleep and the constant state of tension your body had been in the past few days was not enough for you to fall asleep. Your body ached, heavy and exhausted from the stress it had been put under. A dull throb lingered in your head, eyes burning as you closed them. The tears had started falling, no longer contained. 
You eventually heard the front door open, the sound loud in the silence despite the way Joel was trying to be careful with it. You wiped your tears away, closing your eyes and turning your back to the door, hoping that he would think you were asleep just as he had done all the other nights. 
His steps resounded as he made his way to your shared bedroom. The door creaked open slowly, and you could feel rather than hear Joel make his way toward the bed. The sound of Joel undressing and getting ready to join you was the only sound in the room. 
You felt the bed dip behind you as he lowered himself onto it, a small grunt escaping his lips. He shuffled, moving himself into a comfortable position on his back, and the sigh of exhaustion and relief that came out of him at the feeling of finally resting brought a new batch of tears to your eyes. You didn’t want to be a burden to him. You’re just a burden. 
You felt Joel slowly move toward you, his arm snaking around your torso and pulling you against his chest just as he always did. You tried to stifle the sound of your sobs, but the shaking of your body and small sniffle that escaped you was immediately felt and heard by him.
His hand pulled you into him tighter, his head lifting from the pillow to look at your face, studying whether you were awake or not. 
Joel immediately sat up, his torso reaching across you to turn on the lamp beside your head. The sudden light made you squint, eyes clenching even tighter, but Joel cradled your face gently in his palms, turning you towards him.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” He whispered, the concern obvious in his voice as much as the exhaustion was. “Are you hurt? Did something happen?” 
His eyes scanned your body, hand lifting the sheets so he could see if you were in any visible pain. 
You shook your head, hand moving on top of the one cradling your face to keep it there. The tears kept falling, everything that had been locked away for so long finally spilling out of you. 
“‘m not hurt, I just-” you whispered back. “I don’t feel good.” 
He pulled you into him, body cradled in his arms as he held you against his chest, face gazing down at you as you lay there wrapped in him. 
“Your head hurt?” He asked, still unsure of what was wrong. 
You shook your head at him, the tears still falling as you try to lean even further into him. 
“No, I’m not in pain, Joel.” You sniffled.
“Baby, you’re making me worried- what’s going on?” He asked, hand rubbing a soothing pattern on your back. 
“I don’t know what’s wrong. Something’s not right but I don’t know what. I just… I feel so scared. I’m so anxious.” You whisper. 
He moves to press a kiss at the top of your head before pulling the sheets over his body and your own. With the lamp turned off once again, Joel intertwines your bodies together, pulling you into him. 
You lie there in silence for a while, your confession heavy in the air. The sound of his breathing and his heartbeat at your ear begins to slowly lull you from your panic. The warmth of his body was soaking into yours, the strength of his embrace making you feel safer than you had done in a very long time. 
“How can I make it better?” He whispers, finally. “I don’t… I don’t want you to feel that way but I don’t know what to do for you.”
You move your head, finally facing him, and lean to press a soft kiss onto his lips. “Just hold me.” You whisper to him. 
He nods his head, pressing an equally soft kiss onto your lips as he keeps his arms wrapped around you. The silence continues, his arms and presence grounding you. 
“I’m sorry.” You whisper to him, feeling new tears start to gather at your waterline. 
“What are you sorry for?” He whispers, the confusion audible in his voice. 
“‘m sorry you’re having to stay up with me right now. You should be sleeping, you’ve had a long day.” You sniffle.
“You don’t have to feel sorry about that, darlin’.” He whispers. “I want to stay up with you.”
He presses a kiss to your lips. 
“I’ll do whatever you need me to do to make you feel better.” He reassures you, another kiss pressed to your lips. “I love you.”
The warmth of his words and his actions brought a comfort you hadn’t had that entire week. And while the fear and anxiety hadn’t completely disappeared, you could feel them slowly ebbing away.
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magadauthan · 2 days
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Ep 25: Live Through
@trigun98watchparty My time has come.
I watched "Live Through" in Japanese and English for this recap. For science. It's not because this is my favorite episode, no. That has nothing to do with anything.
--How did Milly and Meryl get Vash away from LR? Does 1 ile = 1 mile? Did they swipe Legato's Cinderella coach?
--that floppy hair *swoon*
--Some have criticized Meryl for ducking outside as soon as Vash begins to talk. Perhaps that is merited, and she does carry a good measure of guilt for following him, but it felt to me more like she wanted to give him space and / or privacy. Having loud emotions all over the place is frowned on in Japanese culture, and Meryl is very, very polite. Maybe she just doesn't know what to do and panics (Vash has not always been encouraging in terms of having her around, in general). Either way, it tears her up inside to hear him wailing in despair.
--Obviously Meryl has been home tending to Vash while Milly works. It's nice to see Meryl recognize that Milly is busting her butt, but she doesn't know how to address Milly's feelings, either.
--Vash should not be up and about - he's weak and feverish and not a little delirious. Good thing Milly can carry him.
--Get in there, big sis, and tell Meryl it's okay that she loves him. She's absolutely right in that Legato would have found a way to make Vash shoot him whether or not the two of them were involved. Never hold back in matters of the heart.
--My favorite scene. Meryl, alone in the light of the fifth moon, diligently mending Vash's coat. She wants to put him back together and make him whole again, even if she gets hurt in the process. She's desperately in love with him, and she holds the kind person he is close to her heart... but he was the one who put the hole in the moon. How can she reconcile that?
--Vash does look happier.
--He tries to pet the kitty, and Kuroneko gives him a swat, which some interpret as the Trigun Goddess telling Vash to get it in gear. This is incorrect. Cats are just assholes.
--It didn't stop with Legato, now, did it. Knives is pressing harder.
--"Sound Life" must be a song they teach in NML kindergarten. Many people seem to know it, including Kaite and Meryl. (the lyrics really need to scan better, it's so awkwardly phrased)
--This scene is such a tough one. It's lovely - two lovers out under the stars, right? And Meryl is so happy that Vash is considering staying with them. But it's also plain to see that he might have given up. It would be easy, wouldn't it? Let the girls take care of him while he hides. Don't do anything, and wait for an answer.
--What were you doing up so late, Meryl? (we had some ideas)
--There's no way that the townspeople could have captured someone like Vash if he hadn't let them do it. He's so broken that he won't fight back. He's a sinner now, like Knives, like Legato, beyond redemption.
Except...
...Knives assumes that Vash would sacrifice himself for everyone else. Someone else sacrificing herself for him had never been part of the equation.
--So many have stopped believing in Vash, or he thinks they have. They turn their backs on him and he accepts it as the normal course of things. Jessica's crush was childish (I was gonna marry Luke Skywalker when I was four, just saying) but even she ran away after what happened to the ship. That's why it's so important that Meryl loves him. She has made her decision, and she's steadfast in it.
--Maybe Vash doesn't realize how much she loves him until she puts herself between him and the gun, and he hears Rem's words from Meryl's mouth and sees Rem one more time. If Meryl still loves him, then Rem can still love him too. Mistakes happen but you can learn from them, and if you have the right people in your life, they will love you through your mistakes and help you to make it better.
--And finally, Vash realizes that Rem's words apply to him, too, and that he is no less deserving of a second chance and a future than any of the others he's impressed those words on. Does that make Meryl the analogue to Alex? I think it does.
--Awww, such a sweet snuggle. And then Vash has to go doof it up like normal and Meryl has to freak out like normal. It's their love language. (TBH I'd punch my husband too if he rubbed his stubbly face on me like that.)
--What happened after that? (we have some ideas)
--Vash gets ready to go. Seeing him wash up and shave is oddly pleasing, a reminder that despite his Plant-ness, he's a regular dude who has to wash his face and brush his teeth and get haircuts and have breakfast and do all that human stuff.
--Meryl wants to say something to Vash, but she's gotten wiser too. She recognizes that even though there might be a lot that she wants to tell him (and, I think, he might want to tell her too), stating her feelings in the open would be a distraction (or even a burden) he doesn't need right then. Milly is right. There will be time when he gets back.
It doesn't come through in English, but he's so gentle with her in Japanese. He knows what she wants to say. In his own way, at that time, he's saying I love you too.
--Vash takes WW with him, with Milly's love and blessing. May you go with God's protection.
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llovelymoonn · 1 year
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favourite poems of february
brian gyamfi the almost love poem of eloise and kofi
angela jackson and all these roads be luminous: “angel”
sharon olds the promise
laura ma fossil record of a drowning carp
mahmoud darwish the butterfly’s burden: “i didn’t apologise to the well” (tr. fady joudah)
jimmy santiago baca immigrants in our own land: “immigrants in our own land”
james richardson essay on the one hand and on the other
john kinsella peripheral light: selected and new poems by john kinsella: “drowning in wheat”
twyla m. hansen the other woman
monica sok abc for refugees
sumita chakraborty most of the children who lived in this house are dead. as a child i lived here. therefore i am dead
chaelee dalton blood type personality theory
tj jarret of late, i have been thinking about despair
zubair ibrahim siddiqui sun, suna, sunaofying
sun yung shin skirt full of black: “immigrant song”
richard eberhart a dublin afternoon
louise glück aboriginal landscape
michelle cadiz oil and other drugs
hafsa zulfiqar small nightmares i dream in a foreign country
james richardson fire warnings
alberto rios not go away is my name: “immigrant centuries”
n.s. ahmed on becoming memory
andrea krause for our anniversary next year
ajanae dawkins blood-flex
ananya kanai shah my girls & i
aleda shirley the glass lotus
mahmoud darwish almond blossoms and beyond: “think of others”
robert américo esnard dendrochronology of a family tree
buy me a chai latte
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mishapen-dear · 5 months
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I think we overlooked the fucked up polycule dynamic potential of team bolas x the dog that hunts them
they gave him a house. he paid rent. he hunted them, picked them off one by one, but when they sought to hunt him he ran. the tormented and the tormented. the hunters and the hunter. them huddling around a fire, burning themselves as he lurks in the dark to devour any that stray too far from the light. when they gather their rocks and throw them as one he flees, tail between his legs as he hunts for his own safety
is there not familiarity in that? is there not love in the violence? let me kill you, i will return your greatest treasure. let me kill you, you’ve already destroyed me and mine. there is loneliness to the dark and hate in the bloodshed. what is hate if not the other side of love. what if obsession if not love driven too far. all of them bathed in the blood of the others, baptized by sin after sin after sin. mothers carry their litters in their mouths- when do the teeth at your throat start to feel gentle? bad once said about cellbit, “it was like throwing a ball, and saying fetch.” that went wrong for him. cellbit once said about bad, “you’ve gone soft.” that went wrong for him, too.
do you remember the slime kills? slime was bad’s first blood, his first taste of oncoming violence. bad was slime’s last kill, an end to the desperation that was sparked with the first base raid. do you remember that first day? bad on the water, slime on the shore, calling him in like a siren. ‘look at me, look how killable i am’ says the bait, desperately trying to build a trap even as the prey fears the untied-noose wrapping around its throat. do you remember the tension? do you remember how the sun punished them both?
‘look at me, look how killable i am,’ says the poisoned frog to the wolf. the bird to the dog. do you remember the kindness? the killing and the killing and the killing, and the laughter. the killing the killing the killing, and the earnest offer to help? remember how jaiden fed herself to the dog. remember how the dog listened. ‘where is your stuff? i’ll take you to your body.’ thousands of blocks away. then more blood, no screaming, just laughter.
do you see? do you see? they built him a dog house, and he paid them rent. hunters snd hunters. he killed them to bring back their children and he failed and they brought back his instead. how can he ever repay that? their blood coats him. his blood coats them. all of them animals. all of them desperate. remember the familiarity of teeth and the taste of your own death. when its all said and done what will they miss the most- being the hunters? or being the hunted?
and then they all make out and take turns getting beaten to death by jaiden. shes part of the group murder but not the romance of death. instead she gets to go to the club (the Spawn Rave)
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kinda wild to me that one of the most compelling aspects of both Chuuya and Kunikida's characters to me, that I never really see talked about, is how they're heavily set on a doomed crash course towards complete and utter destruction, and how I am so, so worried for them both.....
#bungou stray dogs#been thinking a lot about chuuya lately (shocking for me i know (said with no sarcasm truly lmao it is rare for me))#cause of the 15 manga and also playing the fucking jeht quest in genshin impact ugh (where's the one dual genshin bsd fan who Understands)#but like this pressure has been building up for chuuya for so long due to being used and manipulated by all these people#first the sheep then mori then verlaine then still mori now#he was groomed since childhood just like dazai#but unlike dazai he didn't have an oda to help him get out of the mafia........ he's still stuck there#and his personality is different from dazai's. dazai was more self-aware imo (but still a groomed emotionally abused kid don't get me wrong#but chuuya's whole thing is needing to belong and wanting a leader to be loyal to but ending up in positions of leadership himself#which makes him feel pressured but he accepts and stifles any negative feelings just because he wants to belong#and all this crushed him with the events in the light novels and yeah he went through character growth but he's...... Still In The Mafia...#and that fucking scene asagiri added to the cannibalism stage play i don't think hardly anyone even knows about bc IT'S NOT DISCUSSED ANYMO#where mori emotionally manipulates him with the flags!!! and it deeply hurts him!!! and he presumably deals with that shit all the time!!!#it is WORRISOME. it WORRIES ME okay.#chuuya doesn't have anyone who can save him from the mafia (dazai is in no position to okay; it's all he can do just to try to save himself#and it's so so scary. it spells awful things for him.#didn't asagiri say he'd have a rough path or something??? and he added that fucking scene in the play!!! it haunts me!!#i fully expected this shit to hit a turning point in the meursault arc but we can't have nice things i guess#and as for kunikida a;lskdfl (took me this long to get to him oop) literally the ending of Entrance Exam (the novel) is just#One Big Foreshadowing for Kunikida's downfall#he's compared to the azure king for a reason. Sasaki saw the azure king in him for a reason. it's fucking worrying!!!!!#there hasn't really been anything like that since in the manga (just like for chuuya lol ugh) but he's TERRIBLE at coping with his trauma#and it only gets more apparent once shit hit the fan in the doa/hunting dogs/meursault arc#it's not good!!! i'm worried for kunikida too!!!!#even if the manga isn't focusing on this these worries are always in the back of my mind man#both kunikida and chuuya are doomed to hit some kind of breaking point eventually and i await those moments with dread yet anticipation#i want dazai to be able to save kunikida from the despair being too good a person brings the way he couldn't save oda#and chuuya.... if we get a scene with him & mori mirroring the one in dark era where dazai finds out that mori orchestrated the kids' death#oh man i think i'll fucking die (give it to me i need to cry)
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sailor-aviator · 7 months
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#y'all my anxiety has me spiraling as of late because it just feels like my whole life is falling apart at this point#i got fired from my job a couple of months ago and i've been scrambling to try and find a new one#i work part time at a store i really love but it pays shit#and i've had all of these interviews and no one wants to hire me and i just feel unhireable at this point and it's hard not to despair#and on top of that i'm struggling with my self esteem again#i know i'm not ugly per se but i'm struggling with feeling confident in the way i look as a big girl#and all of my old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads and i want to cry just thinking about it#and i feel like such a failure right now even though i know that life has its ups and downs but my stupid brain just won't chill#and i don't really have any friends in the area because they all either moved away or didn't live here to begin with#and i'm tired of living at home because of my stupid student loans and not being able to afford to live on my own#i have one person i hang out with and we just met and i don't want to scare them off because they're a great friend and person#and i just feel like i'm never going to meet anybody who's going to love me the way i want to be loved because of my looks#also because it's me. and i feel like i'm so flawed as a person that no one will ever fall in love with me#and i've just been feeling really alone lately and i'm trying to do things to make me feel better but it's just so HARD right now#and i love writing because it gives me a chance to explore some of my feelings and it's something i genuinely love to do#and i'm sitting here waiting for the day things start to get better. and i know we all joke and i'm gonna sounds so dumb for saying this#but i feel like i was meant to be famous? or do something great idk and it's something everyone has always told me#and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end#anyway this was a lot and you can pretend like you didn't read it. i just wanted to write some of my feelings down
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milkweedman · 1 year
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I want to apologise in case you already tried it. But I've seen many people with ehler danlos say that shapewear helps. Do you think it's something you could use?
Ive tried pretty much every otc method of keeping my joints in place including shapewear, with the execption of like 1 or 2 that has slightly too many steps for me to muscle thru the executive dysfunction and do (ring splints -_-). I dont actually know if there is a way to keep my joints from subluxating or dislocating with almost every movement but if there is its gonna have to be like. Complete imobilization except in the direction that said joints are actually supposed to move.
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coffeeandcalligraphy · 7 months
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ok ok so you know how my life has majorly revolved around my pain since july & how that has been extremely difficult :) well lately I find myself getting up later than I want to & making my bed as badly as I possibly can & getting out of the house after noon when I planned to get out in the morning & walking to the library when it’s sunny & sitting there for hours & the whole time I’m most concerned with writing & that it’s incredible what I’m doing, it’s a little paradise
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pepprs · 8 months
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i know i need to shut up abt it esp bc i don’t know for sure if i actually got exposed to covid but like. it’s just so fucking frustrating and terrifying. not just in the case of covid but with other things too like driving. you can take every precaution to keep yourself and the people around you safe but all it takes is one selfish careless asshole who can negate that in a heartbeat and ruin your life or maybe even end it in some circumstances. lol
#purrs#ask to tag#complete and utter despair about it all. i feel like such a freak for telling everyone to be safe and be careful all the time but this world#is so fucking scary and we are so fucking helpless. how can i not cast out this desperate fucking plea. this prayer. that harm will not#befall you even if it’s something as small as a drive to the store or a trip to a new place. i just live in fear of the people i love#getting hurt all the time and of myself getting hurt. and covid is fucking scary because we still don’t fuckng know how bad it is really or#what it can do to you in the long term and there’s no way to know if you have it until you find out you have it bc this fucking nightmare#country gutted all the covid infrastructure so it’s like. it’s just really bad. im so scared. ive been so proud of myself lately bc i feel l#like even though im still not doing great ive been less miserable and anxious like a couple months ago i was having breakdowns almost daily#and i feel like ive been getting better and this just has thrown me so bad. there are other things going on too ofc so i know im reacting#really strong but like. throwback to all the asks i just answered where anons were like idk how you even function witb the amount of anxiety#you carry with you all the time and i was reading that like but not anymore! and it turns out… no it’s still there. it just was summer and#i interacted with fewer people and went almost nowhere. and now the semester is starting again and everything is changing and it’s just. bad#also addendum to the first part of my tags: i wish i was brave enough to ask ppl to like. text me when they get to their destination safe or#whatever. i almost never think of it bc it just seems like such a forward boundary crossing thing to do + it was a bad habit from when my#separation anxiety was MUCH worse as a kid. but like… i want o do it and sometimes i need to but i repress it so hard. lawl#also to say i love you sometimes. some ppl it’s really easy and we do it all the time. others i can’t bc it crosses boundaries and it#physically hurts not to. lolll
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running-in-the-dark · 11 months
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I'm starting to really feel like I might have to like. stop being online. in any form. but especially on social media.
I already don't read the news anymore because it made me too anxious. but social media is basically like the news except worse. at least with the news you know that you're mostly gonna get bad things. on tumblr/reddit/wherever it's a pleasant stream of fun/interesting/entertaining posts and then bam here's some really bad shit that's going to ruin the world as we know it and we're all fucked and there's nothing you can do about it! and right below it is the next cute cat picture or a cool drawing or a silly text post and you just keep scrolling
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deityofhearts · 11 months
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sometimes I acknowledge that I’m alive and a person and have to be alive and a person and get stressed out about it
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modern-alebrije · 1 year
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kabretoss · 12 days
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Boy! Trying to dig into the root of art block is such a fucking journey. I'm chasing the tail of an absolutely paralyzing spiral of "I won't draw because I can't draw [to my own satisfaction]" and then knowing, in turn, that I can't draw to my own satisfaction because I won't draw.
I mean this in a quantum superstate of both sarcasm and sincerity: I love that the human brain can understand what's wrong with itself even when it can't figure out a way to fix it.
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talesofwhimsy · 3 months
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Mitski, "My Body's Made of Crushed Little Stars" // Anarbor, "Damage I've Done"
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