#ok 2 rb I'm just

[ceratinus]

Am I even capable of feeling grief unless its in anticipation

#moi.txt #ok 2 rb I'm just #I feel so much even thinking about things but I just. never during. or after. it becomes noise

[kimabutch]

[ID: a poem in two screenshots. The poem reads:

Long after I’d found deliverance in a suit and tie, I kept my old dresses. Back of the closet, not quite out of sight — that guilt never quite out of mind.

How could I bear to throw out these beautiful gifts? (That I never wore) Hadn’t I wanted them? (Hadn’t I wanted to want them?) Hadn’t I been excited to receive them? (Hadn’t I watched in the mirror as a pretty stranger put them on, constricted in flowing skirts?)

Maybe I’d want them some day. I’d show myself off to my family. “Look how happy I am with what you gave me.” “I’m not ungrateful.” “You knew me so well.” I never did.

I’ve got great boobs, in my lesbian opinion. I can’t hate them when I look in the mirror. Size, shape, weight — stalwart against months of testosterone, years of binding, more than a decade of their wrongness clawing at me, even as I prayed to want them.

Won’t I like them someday? Won’t I want to feed a child? Won’t my lovers like them? Shouldn’t I feel grateful?

I gave away my dresses, in the end — to my then-girlfriend, to my sister, to charity; heart whole to see someone else want them. My chest aches to do the same: give its breasts to one who’ll treat them well, with a user’s guide. “Yeah, they’ll hurt before your period, but they’re sensitive too, if you like that. Don’t forget to wash under them in the summer.”

A Double Incision Mastectomy With Free Nipple Grafts (top surgery) doesn’t work like that — uses most of the breasts to make a new chest. Hardly enough left over for a woman in need, only enough to turn my fantastic boobs into flat pecs (As scissors cut up dresses to make vests) (As needles stitch button-down shirts from old skirts.)

And maybe— maybe I loved the unwanted fabric of my body enough to give it strength to become something else. Not a giveaway, but a transformation.

End ID.]

A poem that I’ve been working on for a while but thinking about for years. Thanks for reading if you do.

#ok 2 rb #my stuff #desc #dysphoria for cw #this is easily the most personal thing I've ever posted on tumblr #hope I don't regret it lol #I agonized for ages about how to do the ID #I think this way makes the most sense but I'm very open to ideas #anyways guilt is at the core of what stopped me from transitioning for so long #(it's at the core of most things for me lol) #this feels like freeing myself from that guilt #even if just for a moment #lgbtqthings #butch #tit free by 2023

[torchickentacos]

crying is like computer updates. it's going to happen but if you put it off it'll force its way through at really stupid/inopportune times

#TOTALLY fine btw lmao. this is very /lh and not a vent. exam stress just caught up to me from the last 2 weeks #just had a mini breakdown bc my spotify kept pausing in the middle of a song. #the absolute dumbest reason to cry but i hate my slow internet so fucking much. i'm gonna mess with the router tomorrow #i can't make it WORSE #it's not my computer. it worked FINE with the old router before people went and changed out our router in december #i've been suffering ever since #anyways. the unfortunate mood of 'well SOMETHING'S about to send me over the edge but I'm not sure what it'll be' #at least it wasn't a person. at least i can ethically cuss out my computer #can't yeet it against a wall though. kind of want to. #ok to rb #i mean everything i post is ok to rb. that's more reassurance/confirmation for others than anything else #if anything's ever not ok to rb then i'm just not posting it lmao

[hyperionshipping]

"here man you looked cold, that'll warm you up"

"Oh, uh- t-thhanks! Fuckfuckfuck!!!!"

#tricks art #very much OK 2 rb! #dndads #dungeons and daddies #glenn close dndads #***THIS IS MY GAY LITTLE S/I NOT ANY CANON CHARACTER*** #In my heart I know Glenn would have a Down With The Sickness shirt. Trust me #ALSO. im on ep 37 rn!!! #i dont think this would happen but man on the left (my s/i) uses he/they #I'm still thinking a lot abt s/i stuff so I just like drew Me. But I def am thinking abt a demon or just.... Some Guy or slightly not human #hmm hm hmmm #selfship #selfshipping #selfship art #self insert #really love how I did Glenn's nose ^w^ big noses!! #one day I'm gonna study how to draw /my/ big nose but not now eh

[cedarspiced]

girlstubble is so underrated. i <3 girlstubble. if you're a girl with stubble ily

#good morning i just woke up and i'm thinking abt girlstubble. hello #cedar speaks #ok 2 rb

[babygirlbdubs]

i hate!!! labels!!!!! i hate society's need to put every bit of the human experience into arbitrary, meaningless little boxes!!! i hate taking beautifully unique experiences and shoving them into categories that will never truly fit them!!! i hate taking people's identities and comforts and using them to invalidate their personhood and experiences!!! every single human being is impossibly unique and there will never be a single other person exactly like them and that's beautiful!!! why!!! do we have to break everything down and put it into boxes that are never perfectly the right shape!!!! we are all unique and that makes us all the same!!! let people express their personhood and define their experiences in ways that are unique to them!!!

#spooky.thoughts #i'm sORRY I GOT HEATED AND JUST. AUGH. #this is NOT about individuals finding comfort in labels and shared experiences #this is about society's reliance on labels to define every single fucking thing about people's lives!!! #why do i owe it to anyone else to fit into a label??? #why do i owe it to anyone else to give them a label to try and define me with??? #and stop!!!! using labels!!! as a way to tell people they don't fit in to that label!!!!! #it makes me so!!!! hhhhrrghghghgh #okay. okay. okay. i'm fine. #i don't understand why we as humans have to try and categorize absolutely every little thing that shapes us as individuals #stop it. we're individuals for a reason. #and if we could just accept that every human experience is unique then i think we would all accept each other a lot easier!!!! #there is no us vs them if we are all just!!!! the same in our individuality!!!! #THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE IS VAST AND INCOMPREHENSIBLE AND YOU CANNOT DEFINE IT IN FORCED BOXES AND LABELS AND UNIVERSAL CONSTANTS #part of this is because i had to read about formalism in art history and it made me angry #part of it is bc i saw the post like. 2 rbs ago. one or 2. the one about friendships/qprs #i just can't tAKE IT ANYMORE #ok. rant over this time. #this time for sure.

[quadrupleangst]

FOUND OUT SOMETHING ABOUT MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER THAT MADE ME NOT LIKE THEM ANYMORE

#this isn't about Klarion btw #and I'm not actually gonna kill myself #I want to but I won't #just give me a moment I'm going through some stuff #I'll be fine dw #I actually feel a lot better than 2 hours ago #yeah I just needed to get this out of my system #might delete later #tw sui talk #ok to reblog #ok to rb

[sunnibits]

yknow what would be really nice? if I just got. a bit of a break. if I had a nice time. if I could enter my good times era. if I could enter my rest and relaxation era.

#ok to rb #I'm actually not that stressed rn so this rlly isn't a necessary 'vent' post but #it just occured to me like 'wow it would be nice if I could just have a period of time where I actually felt really good' #like. it was a novel concept. to just be doing rlly good lately #like I'm not doing BAD. I'm okay. I'm relatively chill. but it just occurred to me that having a rlly nice time is also a thing that exists #and I have not had a rlly nice time in a while!!! I think I deserve it!!!!! #I've been in the neutral zone so long I want to enter my happy and stress free era!!!!!!! #I was rlly excited for october but so far it has just been 1) massive amounts of unfinished schoolwork stressing me out #and 2) very scary and emotional life event #like damn can a girly chill for a while!!! sheesh!!!!! #anyways I have hope tho.... might have an opportunity to finally start dnd omg #if I could enter my dnd campaign + stepsister bonding era for a while that would be great please #just a thought

[ghstslut]

less for outcasts, more for weirdos

#srry I just took a bunch of cute pics so I'm posting them all rn #might post a lil vid too bc i accidentally took 2 while taking pics bc i didn't realize i had the wrong setting on #but i have to see if it's ok to post first #also i wanna send them 2 my baby first hehe #me #bi girls #cute girls #soft girls #babygirl #curvy girls #baby #cute #brat #ok to rb

[ablednt]

NPD BPD combo will make you feel like a starving wild circus animal every time you remember other people exist

#ok to rb #vent tw #it's like. we have a member who has NPD proper as cohost now #so our BPD and NPD symptoms have been combined into one worse thing #and it's baby's first Real Narc Crash and Ive been having RSD inflicted panic attacks every day #and I'm getting really fucking exhausted so the point where Im thinking stuff like 'I wish I could kms rn but that'd be too shitty and I #know this shit has to get better eventually because it has before so Im just #trying to relax #and in this case it's not like I have imo a compelling reason like my friends are all paying a proportionate amount of attention to me #to the energy for friends they have to give like I'm not being NEGLECTED #but I am so attention starved it's actually insane #and if it were just that itd be fine but I'm pmsing and Ive been losing sleep #from a mix of medical issues and exotraumatic nightmares #so I'm just. I'm absolutely Fucking Miserable #and its nobodies fault so instead of getting pissed off at someone Im just pissed off at everyone and no one at the same time #I just want to feel special again but its like. even if I DID feel comfortable asking for more attention #1. It wouldn't feel genuine and nothing my friends could easily do would stop it from not feeling genuine #2. I've been cluster B long enough to know that this stuff has to sort itself out naturally #asking for vallidation can be good at the right times but when I'm wanting to rely on it most thats when I need to find something else #but genuinely IDFK anymore man like I'm too tired to do shit I feel like all of my energy this month has been #STOPPING myself from doing stuff so when I try and think about what I actually Want To Do I feel so obstructed and exhausted I feel like #there's nothing fulfilling rn bc my stupid ass brain is like why find joy in anything if everyone hates you and you don't matter #(<- literally no one in my life has even implied this but. that's just how mental illness goes sometimes) #I just need to hang on until this narc crash is over and my friend groups aren't in the middle of like #2 million different things we're all struggling with stopping us from hanging out very much #I do think this happens every winter though #Ironically I love the winter weather and the rain and cold and gray (idk if I have SAD but if I do it's for the summer) #but I never enjoy the season like I want to because it's the most busy time of year so everyone is stressed out and doesn't have much time #to vibe like I want to so I end up just feeling pretty miserable until the slow time of year when people can relax more #It's usually like

[torchickentacos]

ummmmmm my computer fan isn't broken. she just has asthma. pls be more considerate

#ok to rb but fr though this thing is getting way too hot. hm #don't care. art program goes brrrrrr #started another project #nothing interestnig to the masses though #i've given myself about 54 small grid squares #and using only one brush and no undo button #i'm drawing the album covers of my favorite albums #it's. going so far #the point is 1. something to do and 2. less of a focus on precision #just did the first square #I Can Feel You Forgetting Me by Neon Trees #it's. fine! #onto Transatlanticism now #tried to do diamond eyes by deftones but owls are hard to draw. procrastinating that one

[hesitationss]

character sketch dump!

i'm committing myself to working on an original story in 2023 that is longer than 30 pages lol so i thought i would post a bunch of sketches with some finished stuff from the past two years since evidently i love drawing characters and world building. i also heard that people like seeing wips/process work. looking at how some of these concepts have developed this year has been really cool ^_^

#sketches #oc #feel free to ama about them some of them are early stages but a lot fo them have pretty fleshed out stories already! #ok 2 rb #as i do more work on them i will post drawings to my artblog #i'm just a little self conscious rn hehe #fingers crossed that the image format remains lol

[nedlittle]

idk call me a prude or whatever but the trend of media confirming that a character is queer because they're just soooo irreperessibly horny and will have sex with anyone and anything is so hollow and depressing because it's evident that any potential relationships with people of the same gender exist exclusively as hypotheticals with no regard for the possibility that people can desire romantic and/or emotional closeness and intimacy with people of the same gender. it's okay if you fuck but god forbid you make people think about queers having a future together! a tokenistic facade of sexuality without a spare thought for emotional depth but at least the twitter stans will have a new bicon™ to cheer on for a week or so

#ok 2 rb if that strikes your fancy #but if you tag as 'q slur'....zapped with a laser beam #anyway this doesn't make sense but something something queerness as an active choice #queerness as a promise to yourself that you keep renewing #this is a pointless text post #and it's also not about anything in particular i'm just thinking #[dennis reynolds voice] i like to THINK i like to HAVE THOUGHTS

[reginaofdoctorwho]

god must think he's the funniest bitch alive

#ok to rb just don't add my tags #so i met a bi guy in two of my classes #saw pictures of his (very hot) girlfriend #who is ALSO bi #he asked me what music i like today #made a playlist and sent it to me of recommendations #2 hours later sends that he caught feelings for me and doesn't want it to go any further #he is the only person i can get notes from in anthro class :( #and the WORST part is that the playlist is actually great #i'm losing mt mind AND i have to figure out a response so i don't leave him on read #because echo fucking heard that and zeroed in on the playlist #so they want the link he sent me >:(

[cedarspiced]

fuck. i need to call this company to schedule an interview but i'm so dizzy and nauseous and brain foggy i can barely hold a thought together. this sucks so bad

#i have a month of rent left in savings and if i can't find a job soon i'm not sure what i'll do #i really don't wanna have to ebeg again but it's starting to look like it may come to that #why does the world have to hate disabled people so much. why do i have to put myself in agony just to survive #i'm so so so sick of it #screaming. screaming and screaming and screaming #cedar speaks #ok 2 rb

[isa-ghost]

🅱️ruh

#rant incoming #dont rb or ill block you btw #just in case bc some people on this hellsite be like that #I haven't said anything genuinely or intentionally aggressive on this site in forever #and I keep getting anons bitching at me about being ?????? #Ok just unfollow then?? I'm not intentionally doing shit. #yall are misreading and making assumptions and then attacking over it??? #1. its really annoying 2. ive clarified my intended tone w like 2 dif people #but they continued assuming my tone was negative anyway?? like. what happened to 'if you arent sure just ask op what tone they meant' #long time followers know that the brand(tm) here is light heartedly being a loud passionate shithead. why are people getting pressed. #and again: why are people getting pressed instead of just curating their experience and leaving my blog alone :/ #im gonna get paranoid everyone just chooses to take every single thing i say seriously & thinks im a hateful pos or some shit again 🙃 #either ask me to clarify tone or leave my blog if you cant handle the energy here. i dont want to hear it. esp when youre mistaken abt it