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wizkiddx · 3 years

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stop caring

yooo, so this is actually taken out of one of the sort of I guess series-esque things I’ve written, but it kinda just got shit at the end so I've given up and just wanted to post this instead. So sorry if some of the backstory isn't that clear or anything

tomhollandxfamous!reader

Summary: after your break up you bump into tom at a charity event and when shit hits the fan personally for you, someone who understands you is really what you need (angsty!!! maybe a bit of fluff too?)

TW: panic/anxiety attacks + mentions of assault

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3 months. 3 months you’d managed to avoid the boy that had given you the most joy in the previous years. 3 months without your best friend; of even when you’re with company feeling like a part of you was just absent.

And you had been thriving. Well… that’s what everyone thought. That’s what you tried to portray, because no matter how ‘famous’ or ‘successful’ people perceived you to be - ultimately you were like anyone else. Making your insta pop off after the breakup. And so to the outside world, through the very very small lense of social media life was great. Parties, friends, work.

You were a woman in demand - in all senses of the word.

But of course, as is the 21st century world, it was a lie. Instagram showed only snapshots of what can be very long 24 hours in a day. Naturally, a select few obviously knew - your best friend, Y/f/n being one of them. Yet still you were missing that one support, that one person who would drag you back to reality whenever you got too much into your own head. It actually rather annoyed you, how dependent you had got on him, in every part of your life.

And you really hadn’t expected to see him here today. You’d had your assistant check the guest list, he wasn’t on it. While getting ready, you had avoided all the products that reminded you of him; that soft nude lipstick he loved you in so much; your favourite (exfavourite) earrings. Had you known it, you would have worn these. Just because you knew it would get on his nerves a little bit. Nevertheless here you were, perhaps a little underdressed for the charity dinner in a dress you’d already worn before (because apparently that was a sin in the world of Hollywood). You couldn’t pin point from when, but it was simple yet elegant if you did say so yourself. A dark blue satin dress, that sat off your shoulders in a Bardot style; hugged your waist to accentuate your curves; then flowed outwards down to the floor with a slit up your right leg. It was simple compared to the sequin studded, diamanté jewelled dresses the rest of the women seemed to sport but it made you feel comfortable.

Besides, that’s what you needed today. This was the first time after the breakup you’d attended a public event without your best friend-turned-assistant-turned-absolute-life-saver. Y/f/n had been the greatest with you all through your life but especially recently, she deserved the break to go back home and see her family. It was a pretty decent excuse too, her cousins wedding, so you were in absolutely no place to complain.

Evidently it just HAD to be this event then, while you were flying solo, that you’d be faced with…well with his face. His fucking gorgeous, perfect and oh so sweet face.

Just seeing him, just seeing Tom fucking Holland, had the most intense burst of adrenaline course through your veins as you desperately scanned the rest of the room. Looking for an out, an excuse, someone to latch onto for the rest of the night. A distraction even.

Never one to admit it openly, but really you knew your coping mechanism of the past months had been to sleep with who you wanted. Because the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else right? You knew it was stupid too. Not because of slut shaming or anything ( we aint got no outdated views here), but simply it wasn’t you. It wasn’t a good idea for you. It didn’t fit.

Tom hadn’t seen you yet, so if you latched onto someone you’d likely be in the clear. So obviously, when your frantic glances landed upon Joe Keery, you literally sighed in relief. Joe was great, stranger things was a bit of a guilty pleasure for you - especially when you were in your trailer and bored. Just due to your line of work, you’d met a couple times, he seemed like decent crack and to you knowledge was single.

Unsurprisingly then, you almost marched over to Joe, ignoring the slightly shaky feeling in your leg as your hearing seemed to focus completely on the sound of Tom’s bright laugh.

It was your choice too. You’d chosen to end things. It was on you. Well really, both parties were equally guilty. Tom was the one who had been too tired and highly strung and exhausted to put effort into the relationship. Stupidly though, you were too in love to realise for so long, in doing so draining yourself in the process. The constant flying cross country to see him, when he couldn’t ever return the favour because he was too busy. It was chipping away at you, even if you didn’t notice. It took an intervention by your manager Davey and Y/f/n for you to see things for what they were. To see that Tom didn’t care as much as he used to.

He tried to fight for it, of course Tom did, because he also truly and deeply loved you. Nonetheless though, it was too late. And that was it. You closed that book and returned it to the library. Something your mind occasionally drifts back to and you think ‘huh that was a good read’ - yet that is the only space it occupies in your mind.

OR that’s how it should be. Not you yesterday, comparing everything your date did to Tom and deciding everything was worse. Not you today, seeing him and nearly being floored by the way the suit was tailored to his body oh so exquisitely. Not you now, hearing his bubbly laughter and having to fight your muscles from taking you back into his arms.

In short, you were highly strung and pining over a boy you’d killed your chance of happiness with.

Not to blow your own horn, you knew Joe wouldn’t be against having your company for the evening. After all, you were a young, beautiful and upcoming actor. You were ,at the very least, self aware. And so for a good few hours you almost forgot about Toms presence, spending the time before the speeches sharing a ridiculously overpriced bottle of wine (or two) with him. He was funny. He made you laugh, even if he was pushing the limits occasionally and teetering just on the right side of socially acceptable. It was risky and in that moment, with the alcohol in your system, it made him seem more and more of an attractive shag.

By the time the speeches started you were both overly giggly and had to keep shushing each other as the presenter called for quiet. Inherently, you knew exactly the location of Thomas - who he was sat around; the main he’d had at dinner; the brand of beer he’d been ordering.But that was subconscious. You were here with Joe.

Under your voices, whilst getting some disapproving looks from the older, more mature, members of your table you and Joe sat through the first boring speech whispering jokes under your breath - making each other clamp their mouth shut to avoid bursting out laughing. Though tipsy, you were very aware of Joe inching closer and closer, while his hand was casually brushing yours or your shoulder or waist more often. You knew this was low, being so blatant in front of Tom. To be quite frank though, should you care? And did he care?

The answer in your head at least, was an almost certain no to both.

One speech merged into another spent giggling away until Joe did something he didn’t mean. Heck he didn’t even know. His jesting quickly had toppled completely over into absolutely not category. Your brain felt like it was swimming as the name you’d avoided after that incident , almost ten years ago. The flashbacks came thick and fast. You an innocent young actor wanting to make a way in the industry. And him. A powerful, ridiculously important slightly overweight 50 year old with bad breath. That room in the corner of his hotel that you were completely lost in.

You were going to be sick.

Somewhere, distantly, you heard Joe saying something… asking you? Asking you if your were good? It was drowned out by a roar in your ears, you jerkily nodded your head. You knew your breathing was jilted, shaky and shallow. You knew your heart was exploding. It actually felt like a heart attack, the way it seemed to be beating as though it were going to break out of your chest. This time you really really needed an out.

So without any words, leaving a bemused Joe, your chair screeched on the floor as you stood up, garnering the attention of the whole room. The heads literally swivelled to stare at you, judgement clearly there as you frantically half ran to the back of the room, pleading if your head fro the toilet to be nearby. You needed to be away from everyone and safe.

Thankfully your escaped the room and the beady eyes, locating the bathroom where you threw a cubicle open, shakily locking it before collapsing into the wall in floods of tears, harsh sobs racking your frame as you clutched your hands to your knees and rocked slightly back and fourth. You dress being a full length ballgown was spilling out into the the nearby cubicles and under the door, but presumably you were alone in the loo - not hearing any other signs of life beyond your own sobs.

This always happened when you had your anxiety attacks. It was like clockwork. Zone out, stop hearing, loose control of breathing, heart starts pounding, make a quick escape to a toilet, cry and then…

Well back before Tom, it had been to throw up. That was the only thing you’d ever found to ground you enough to get your body backorder your own conscious control. It was like a wave of relief after, like the drowning feeling in your lungs had just evaporated away. But the Tom happened. The first time he’d seen you panic he hadn’t a clue what to do either. SO he had just sat with you, not wanting you to be alone in that state and waited. That panic though, had lasted so long that you’d almost made yourself pass out from the hyperventilating. When that had happened, Tom had gone into emergency mode. He had been scared to touch you, in case that made you worse, but when he saw your body going limp he didn’t have a choice. He’d collected you into his arms, with your head against his chest. Being this close to calling an ambulance, the relief Tom felt when your breathing got more and more regular was unparalleled.

Together, when he had you lying in his bed (recovered, if mortified and exhausted) was when you realised that you hadn’t been sick. And that was because of him. You’d grounded yourself on his heartbeat and breathing, listening to it and making yours sync up. Thats what had saved you that evening.

Now however, Tom was gone. This was the first panic attack you’d had since he’d been gone. Of course while you were together you were rarely in the same place, even so you’d phone him. But not now.

This all led to you sat clutching your knees as your mascara dripped down your cheeks as you had to fight to get enough oxygen into your body. You didn’t want to get into that vicious cycle of making yourself ill again. It really hadn’t been healthy.

Who knows how long you were sat there sobbing before you heard the door open and in response you clamped a hand to your mouth trying to stay silent. This irrational fear overcame you as you sat stock still, fearing the footsteps on the marble floor of the fancy function venue. Even the toilets were pretty posh.

“Y/n?…. It’s-it’s Tom.” Oh. My. Fucking. God. That was all that was going through your brain as you bit you lip - presumably painfully, yet you didn’t really feel pain in your current state. “Look I saw you leave and I know your on your own tonight… I-I couldn’t leave you on your own if your… well you know.” Everything was going so so fast in your brain, that it actually scared you into stopping crying, so much so you felt your hand flop back down to your side. “…I was waiting outside because I didn’t want to errr you know… but you’ve been 20 minutes so I need to know your good…..okay?”

The boy was too fucking good. And stubborn… he was too stubborn and you knew he wasn’t going to give in. It was also fairly evident that he knew you in here - there was no pretending you didn’t exist.

“Y/n? Come on you gotta let me know.”

“I’m fine. You-you go.” Only when you spoke was it evident to yourself just how not-okay you really were. Tom just chuckled and spoke again.

“How long have you known me for? That’s just not going to happen is it.” You already knew this, but something about the way he said it made you realise a sad laugh, momentarily making you feel a bit more in control. He seemed to like that response, you heard him bend down and then saw the bottom of his tux as he sat down leaning against your cubicle door.

“Is …is this your first one… since? You both know what he was talking about. Since you broke up.

“Uhmm I-“ You swallowed down a fresh rise of nausea, somewhat determined to not throw up when you ex is barely a metre from you. “Yeh I suppose.” In didn’t seem a revelation to Tom, yet he still hummed lowly in response as the room drifted back to silence.

“You… you wanna try to breath with me?… You don’t have to open the door just…”

Croaking a please in response because this feeling was really blood awful and you wanted it to end, Tom started exaggerating his breathes, as you shakily and eventually managed to start to time it with his. Without thinking, when Tom’s palm snuck half under the door you immediately grabbed and squeezed it - the contact helping to synchronise your body with his.

It should be an alien feeling after your time apart. But no it felt oh so natural and so very right.

Once you’d collected yourself and realised how bloody stupid this whole situation was you withdrew your hand back, loosing the warmth as you shook your head in disapproval of yourself. So very fucking stupid. He was silent for a bit, letting you think things through whilst still sat outside your cubicle.

“You good now?” You hummed in agreement and you felt Tom’s head fall against the door, looking up to the ceiling. “Want me to go?”

“If you want to” That was met with silence, but a very telling lack of movement that spoke a thousand words.

“You should get out of here… you wanna avoid the trigger again and I mean I know you’re exhausted.” The boy had researched panic disorder and attacks when he found out you suffered with it - he probably knew more of the psychology of it than you, whilst never having any first hand experience of it. Annoyingly he was right, as per, after attacks you always always slept for hours - it was just a draining process. “I’ll get you a car if you want?…. I’d like to make sure you get back okay if you don’t mind.” With only your cold and empty residual feeling left, his words still managed to ignite a spark of warmth in your chest.

“I’m not going to ruin your evening Tom.” You tried to refuse even if it was very very forced and very very hopeful he wouldn’t give in.

“I was having a crappy evening. Sitting in the ladies toilet talking to my ex through a toilet door has actually been the highlight.”He chuckled playfully in a self pitying way, somehow again making you giggle. And so he had you standing on slightly unsteady feet, your black heels held in one hand because no wasn’t the time to put yourself through teetering around on pin needles. The shuffling outside the door meant Tom stood up too - before you unlocked the door and opened it.

Prior to seeing Tom your eyes locked on the sight of your reflection, in the mirrors above the sinks opposite you. Perhaps the only way to describe it… it was a sight. The shock being in the juxtaposition between the elegant dress, which even having been crumpled on a bathroom floor had somehow managed to survive and still look near the off-the-hanger; but your face? Oh that was a shit show. You’d cried your makeup off almost completely, leaving your face blotchy and shining as well as the ever so telling smudged mascara under your bottom lash line.

You had to laugh or you’d just start to cry.

“Don’t worry I’ve seen you much worse.” You saw in the reflection as Tom leaned in and whispered in your ear, making your eyes roll and head shake as you looked from him back to you.

“I look like a paps dream.” Without instruction, Tom bolted into a nearby cubicle, wrapping layers of toilet roll round his hand before offering it to you as a makeshift wipe.

“This is the glamour of Hollywood don’t you know? Wiping your face with bog roll”Thankfully taking it, you offered Tom a thankful smile as he stepped back, giving you space as he leant against another cubicle pillar. Once you finished up blotting your face, Tom had already shrugged off his jacket walking toward you as he offered it out. Tilting your head to the side in a questioning manner Tom just shrugged, saying it’d help avoid the paparazzi just in case. In reality you weren’t so sure, but anyhow you still appreciated the gesture and draped it round your shoulders with a muttering of thanks.

At this point his phone pinged, the car was outside, so without any words exchanged he led you to the door, checked the hallway was clearly before guided you back to the exit. There didn’t appear to be anybody lurking around, which you were oh so thankful for as you almost threw yourself in to the safety of the blacked out car. Tom followed and you both, almost comically as if scripted, released a sigh in unison as you melted into the seats. That had you chuckling dryly as you sat in silence.

“You know we can’t move till you say where you’re staying?” Teasing you, Tom shot you that ever mischievous grin that made the blood rush through your skin. After you’d told the driver, the car pulled swiftly out the laibi.

“Did he…did he say something?” Tom’s demeanour had steeled up and you looked questioningly up at him. “Joe… you looked…close.”

“Oh”. You were taken aback. You should have seen this coming to be fair, him asking for the trigger this evening - and yet you were more shocked at his jealousy. How he looked pained to mention Joe by name. “Um no… well sort of…it was a joke. He didn’t mean it but it er…it took me back.” Tom knew your history, he knew what happened all those years ago and he nodded slowly , keeping his eyeline straight ahead.

“He’s a dick.”

“No he’s not…. He- he was sweet enough . It was all me.”

“What?”

“I pushed myself on him. I-I saw you… I was spooked.” Tom left it to drift back to silence. He had a lot of thinking to do too.

He’d obviously kept up to date with you. Call it a professional interest. That was the problem being in love with someone when you weren’t allowed to be. But it hurt like hell, especially when he heard what you were doing. Because he knew this wasn’t you. He knew you sleeping around wasn’t going to help you recover - in fact he thought (and quite correctly) it was the opposite. That long term it’d only cause you more and more pain.

“You know, you don’t have to do this?… I-I know it isn’t you. I’m not insulting or anything I’m… I’m just worried.” You knew he was being truthful . And infuriatingly he was right. Which only made it even more annoying.

“Why do you care though?” Looking out the window that was all you could think to say. That was your subconscious talking as you didn’t really want the answer. Or you desperately did but you knew it’d be hard to get over.

“Y/n” He sighed, making you look across at him “I’ve not stopped caring… I’ll never stop caring.”

Wasn’t that just a knife to the heart. You held your breath momentarily, not knowing what to think (nervermind say) in response to that. Everything in that car seemed to freeze, Tom’s eyes piercing the deepest and darkest parts of your mind as he stared at you. You both really weren’t over it. You were both hurting. You missed each other.

And you were about to dive in all over again.

But then the indicator ticked on. The car pulled to a stop. The ignition switched off by the driver. You were at your hotel. The journeys end - quite literally.

Tom felt it too. He knew if ever there was a chance, however rogue and unlikely, of you two working things out it was within this journey. And he’d failed.

“I-uh…I-this is me” Stammering through, distracted by the way Tom’s eyes shone with disappointment.

‘Yeh - yeh it is I guess.”

“Well er… thanks for, well you know… for saving me. You er-you really didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to”

“Yeh well er thanks…. And er-Oh! Your jacket” You realised, already tugging the tailored suit jacket from your shoulders.

“No no it’s really okay. I have loads anyway.” See?In Hollywood you really weren’t allowed to wear the same thing twice.

“Oh-okay. Well er….I’ll see you around I guess?”

“Can I walk you to your room, just to-check no one bothers you?” Tom was trying. Desperately trying. He could feel you slipping through his fingers again, this time he wanted to put up more of a fight. You shook your head thought, a sad smile gracing your lips.

“I’d say yes but I think I know where that’d end up…. And I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Defeatedly nodding, Tom just smiled in a tight-lipped fashion, equally as sadly at you.

“I’ll errr I’ll see you around.” While gathering yourself and preparing to exit the car, your hand on the door handle. Tom responded with a ‘yeh’ but before you left you leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek, before whispering under your breath..

“Thankyou Tom.”

part 2 ish of sorts --> link

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #Tom Holland angst #tom holland fluff #tom holland x famous!reader

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girlmeetsliv3 · 4 years

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Lilies of the Valley VI

A/B/O!BTS x Reader

Flowers can have different meanings depending on the flower shape, color, and method in which they are presented. Lilies are my favorite for such a simple flower can have so many distinct meanings.

“Why is there a missing flower you ask? I have left it out for only you could complete me.”

Release Date: 06/05/20 @ 7 pm

previous ~ next

It had been three days since YN had broken the fever and experienced her heat. The past days had been uneventful mainly, as most of the alphas remained hidden away in the main house. Like a routine, each of the men would swing by to check on her: Taehyung in the morning, Jimin for lunch, and Yoongi at dinner. It had been annoying at first, but YN had become accustomed to their presence which after dwelling on it for some bit she surmised was their plan. Then there lay another issue which had entirely slipped her mind until earlier this morning when she had received a call from her mother.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Oh, it’s so nice to hear your voice. You really should call more often we all miss you.”

“I know. Sorry, I’ve just been busy.”

“I was just calling to remind you about your sister’s engagement brunch. Seeing as you didn’t rsvp.”

Shit. “Yeah, um, about that -”

"No excuses. You promised you would go." There was a brief pause before her mother spoke again. "I know you're worried, but it's the 21st-century darling. Mates aren't as important as they used to be. People are a lot more open-minded nowadays."

“I know, Mom.”

“I just miss you so much, YN. It would mean a lot to the family if you showed up. You might regret not being there and your sister has promised that they’ll be no unmated alphas so you don’t have to worry.”

“Alright, mom. I’ll be there.”

Now YN had a little over twenty-four hours to convince her mates to allow her to go alone. It would be easier to steal the crown jewels. Though she appreciated it, the men had been noticeably tenser since her heat and she couldn’t predict how they would react. So, perhaps it would be best to wait this out. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. No point in damaging the delicate peace that had been established between her and the pack.

"You seem distracted," Jimin commented as the two of them sat at the edge of her bed watching some random sitcom YN had settled on. In front of her was a bowl of ramyeon that had been cooked by Seokjin. It hurt her pride to admit that it tasted delicious as if the man needed any more positive qualities to be attributed to him. "I was just wondering how everyone is." If the alphas were still out of commission, it would be an easier escape. The betas were still protective over YN, but less so.

“Ah, about that. We were wondering if you wanted to join us for dinner tonight? I promise everyone will be on their best behavior.”

YN doubted that sincerely, but it wouldn’t hurt her to show up. It would better her chances of convincing them, by demonstrating that all the effects of her heat were gone. Though there was one thing to account for. “Is that okay? So soon after their ruts?” YN was sure hormones were bound to be raging and it might not bode well for her either, but Jimin gave her the sweetest of smiles when he said. “Of course, we’d never do anything to put you in harm's way.” How could she not believe him? Even when deep down she knew it was a lie.

It stank. To be entirely honest it wasn't a bad smell, but it was so intense that YN could practically choke on it and that's what made it unpleasant. The manor was less polished than the first time she had been there, but not so. Before it looked like something one would find in the cover of architectural digest, now it simply looked lived in. Even if it was warmer these days, YN still covered up drowning herself in jeans and a large wool sweater. Yoongi hadn't commented anything when he came to pick her up, merely intertwined his hands in hers, and led her towards the dining room. The second she crossed over the threshold, arms swept her up into the air. Jungkook's musky scent filled her senses.

“I missed you.” He said, before placing her back on the ground. It took all her will power, not to recoil from the young alpha and he seemed greatly pleased at that. “Yah, Kookie. Let her be, you stink.” Hoseok scolded, as he helped set the dishes. As YN glanced around she saw everyone settling into their seats, her eyes met Seokjin’s briefly and he flashed her a smile. One that, subconsciously or not, YN returned. However, someone was missing as there were only six in the room.

"Where's Namjoon?" YN asked, looking around. Everyone seemed to stiffen a bit but refrained from answering. Suddenly, YN felt hot breath caress her ears causing her to jump slightly. Namjoon chuckled before placing his arms on her hips, "Right here, Lily." Before she could respond, he moved away towards his seat at the front. YN went to sit between the beta's like last time but found the only available space was between Jungkook and Hoseok. Great. This is going to be a long night. From what little she knew about ruts, YN knew that alphas tended to be a bit needy afterward - especially if they were mated. YN hadn't assumed this would matter much since her partial bond was tied to Jungkook and not the lead alpha, but it seemed to affect them all nonetheless. On the one hand, there were the peering eyes of Namjoon and Jungkook moving his chair ever so slightly closer to hers whenever he thought she wasn't looking. On her other side was Hoseok, whose legs would brush hers under the table.

Then there was Seokjin, who simply smiled at her whenever their eyes met - which was a lot. Even though the atmosphere wasn’t as tense as the first night, it still felt suffocating to her. She was beginning to look forward to the trip, preferring to stay a weekend with her stingy relatives rather than the men.

“Are you alright, YN? You’ve barely touched your food.” Suddenly all eyes were on her, she nodded meekly trying to play it off but the damage had been done.

Hoseok’s palm came to rest on her forehead and she wasn’t sure how he was supposed to check her temperature given how warm he was. “You are a bit warm.”

“Do you not feel good?” Jungkook spoke up beside her, as he tucked a loose strand behind her ear.

“I’m fine. Just a bit warm that’s all.” Immediately Namjoon gestured for the air conditioning to be lowered. All eyes were on her now and despite how uncomfortable it made her, it did present an opportunity. Here goes nothing. "I wanted to speak to all of you about something." The change was minuscule, blink and you'll miss it sort of thing, but had YN been paying attention she might have noticed the darkened look that crossed over then men's faces. How their eyes became hooded in anticipation.

“My sister is engaged and I’m supposed to be attending a family brunch is her honor.” At this all seven of them visibly slackened, tension exiting their bodies.

"That's fantastic," Jimin spoke, lips pulled upward into a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "Unfortunately I've got work, so I won't be able to meet the family just yet."

Wait. What? “Uh -”

Taehyung's baritone voice echoed loudly, "I can't either. Have to help Jimin." It was then that YN realized she'd been misunderstood. They thought she was asking for accompaniment when all she had been doing was informing them. Cautiously her eyes turned to Yoongi, who merely shrugged. "I'm overdue for a deadline." No.

“Well,” Namjoon cleared his throat. “That settles it then, you’ll be going with us.” If the smile he flashed her was meant to be reassuring, it accomplished the opposite of its goals.

"Promise me, you'll behave." Yoongi wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck puckering his lips as the lead alpha leaned down to kiss him. "No promises." He smirked, before placing the last of his luggage in the trunk. YN could swear it was a week-long trip with the number of clothes the men had packed, not to mention all the last-minute wardrobe changes they had forced on her. There was a bigger issue that hung over YN's head, much larger than her being stuck with only Alphas for the entire weekend, it was that her family wasn't aware of her current living situation. All they knew of her 'mates' was the incident and YN didn't think they'd be so inclined to welcome them into their home.

So, they had booked a hotel. It didn't really address the issue but considering YN was certainly going to arrive late, her childhood home was bound to be taken up by relatives. Once in the car, the atmosphere was quite tense though that was mainly because Jungkook had almost thrown a temper tantrum when he saw that YN was sitting between Seokjin and Namjoon. Not him. "Jungkook if you don't quell your hormones, I will buy you a literal dog house for you to sleep in." Seokjin threatened, earning a few snickers and a pout from the young alpha.

YN stared out the window seeing the houses move by as Namjoon scrolled on his phone. Whenever YN was in cars she always thought of what she should do if an escape needed to be made. The fault of that might be on all the spy movies she grew up watching. The other might be the Omega protection course she was forced to take in college which engrained survival skills such as: covering up, self-defense, and how to escape a kidnapper. Fun things. She was beginning to wonder whether or not escape was possible when it dawned on YN that her eyes had been situated on Namjoon’s phone the entire time. The man in question had noticed as well.

“Sorry, I zoned out.” She rushed to apologize.

Namjoon smiled, “Don’t worry I noticed. I was just setting up an appointment with Dr. Lee.” Who? "She's an OB. I spoke with her to get you off suppressants." Ah, right. YN had yet to tell them that her prolonged heat was more her due to misuse than the suppressants. Sensing her discomfort, Seokjin grabbed her hand and squeezed it tenderly. "Don't worry. We'll figure it out." YN couldn't figure out if he'd been referring to the suppressants, the family visit, or everything that was happening. It didn't matter, YN didn't believe him for a second.

Instead, YN took a deep breath and closed her eyes, preferring sleep than having any more interactions with the alphas. She knew once they arrived, she would need all her strength. Her family wasn't bound to be happy at not being informed at their daughter's mating status - not to mention who her mates were. It seems Jungkook was wearing headphones for YN could barely pick up the rhythmic thumping of bass, but that was enough to lull her into a nap.

When YN awoke, she found herself strewn across the laps of the men. Though she had not opened her eyes, she sensed her head was resting on Hoseok's with her feet at Namjoon's. Delicate hands weaved themselves through her hair, their calming nature causing YN to shift in order to feel the sensation more. She swore she heard the muttering of a 'cute' before the glare of the sun hit her face, forcing her awake. "C'mon, baby. Rise and shine." Yn grunted and stood up, the back passenger door had been opened but all of them had remained in place. In her groggy state, YN rubbed her eyes and asked. "Why'd you move me?" Instead of an answer, she got a pat on the back and Jungkook tugged her off the car.

YN's eyes widened in recognition as she saw Yeong-gwang's school grounds in front of her. It had been years, but the school's arches remained as pristine as she remembered them. Its Rococo inspired architecture is a clear demonstration of its wealth and status. YN's parents could just barely afford tuition and only received a scholarship because her grandfather attended. "What are we doing here?" She wanted to move her eyes away, but they remained frozen on the platinum gates. A place that once held such fond memories was now only a place of tragedy for her.

“Your sister wanted to meet here.” And as if having called on the devil herself, she appeared.

“What the fuck are they doing here?!”

Sorry this update is short, but that’s because the next one is going to be long and important.

Tag List:

@hxsxxk-180294 @saxpam24 @trixsterbi @mel-gonzalez07 @cstobitk @dionysus-png @taekimxx @moonlitehunter @joonie-grim @wonderlace19 @sugashaye @rosey-roseu @mintaemark @ciderxi @soloikeadates

@alex--awesome--22

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midnightdragons · 4 years

Text

Loki x fem! reader Soulmate Au

Part (1/?)

(By the way, this is the first time I've ever posted anything as in a story on here. Tell me if you like it and also if there's any mispelling or things like that. Hope you enjoy! ❤)

Warnings: Mention of death, murder, blood and some strong language

In a world filled with both, incredible science and magic, soulmates were the center of most everyone's desire. Each worldy and otherwordly being, midgardians, asgardians, vanaheimans and much more had a soulmate to call their own. Wether one's soulmate would be of similar age or even born within the same world, was unknown. The only clue to when one found their soulmate was that a mark appeared once one locked eyes with them. Wether tiny and barely visible or humongous it almost covers one's whole body, both soulmates would always have the very same mark in the very same spot

♧◇♤♡♤◇♧

"Auntie, auntie! Look what I did in class today!", cheeks flushed with excitement the young boy ran up to you, proudly presenting his masterpiece. Said masterpiece being some odd shapes, snippets of colorful paper and a big misshapen heart in the center of it all. Artists would gouge their eyes out at the sight of it but you loved it nonetheless. How could you not? It was your nephew's drawing after all

"I made it for you. The bestest auntie in the world!", he beamed up at you

You mustered up a tired smile and ran a hand over his head. "It's beautiful sweetie. I love it so much that I think... we should go and get some ice cream!"

Initially you had planned on simply going home and taking a nap on the couch. But seeing your nephew's sparkling eyes at the mention of ice cream... you couldn't change your mind now

Yes... he did have you wrapped around his little finger

♧◇♤♡♤◇♧

"Austin? Where aaare you?", muffling his giggles with his hands, your nephew slid further into the shadows of the small cabinet, not realizing, he was not being quiet at all. You've long since heard him giggling and moving around. However, you didn't want to ruin the fun and pretended that it wasn't obvious he was hiding in the kitchen cabinet to your left. So you continued, looking under the table, behind the curtains, lifting vases and even going as far as to open the fridge!

You fake sighed. "I guess my darling nephew disappeared. I can't find him anywhere", you dramatically covered your eyes, "Hmmmm. I guess I'll have to go get a new one"

You smirked when you heard the panicked

"No!", come from your cabinet and opened your eyes just in time to see him tumble out and storm towards you. "You can't leave me! I won't let you!"

You laughed and picked him up. "I'd never leave you pumpkin", he only tightened his hold on you in response, nuzzling his face further into the crook ok your neck

Perhaps this wasn't the beast choice to get him out of his hiding spot because he surely-

"Mama and Papa left me"

Just as you feared. You really shouldn't have said that. Ever since he could understand you weren't his mother he believed his parents left him

"They never wanted to leave you sweetie. But they had to go"

Had to go your ass

"Why?", he looked up at you with his now glossy eyes

"They weren't allowed to tell me. So they only asked me to take care of you and I promised"

Lies but whatever

"Do you know where they are?"

You gulped and rubbed soothing circles over Austin's back. "No"

His voice was meek now. "Will they ever come back?"

It broke your heart to see him like that

No, they wouldn't ever return

"I don't know sweetie"

"Do you miss them?", tears glistened in his eyes

You kissed his forehead

"Always"

♧◇♤♡♤◇♧

From the corner of your eye, you watched Austin play with action figures and Lego. He seemed so content, smiling. You wished you could forget your troubles like him

You really felt guilty for not telling him but how could you. How could you convey to a child that his parents didn't leave but died? Murdered by an army of aliens he didn't know existed?

Almost seven years ago, when you still worked for *the* Tony Stark and were actually really close friends with him, shit hit the fan

Almost seven years ago, all hell broke loose when Loki, known as the God of Lies and Mischief, opened a huge portal, leading the Chitauri to attack and overthrow humanity.

Tony had told you to make sure the civilians were as safe as possible and to lessen some of their fear. That was when it all went down the drain

♧◇♤♡♤◇♧ ~flashback~

"(y/n)! (y/n)!"

You froze. Shit. This couldn't be. You were imagining things right?

You turned around and to your horror, your sister and her husband were ducking behind some cars. Of course you ran over to them. They were your family

"What are you doing here?", you hissed, "You weren't supposed to be here until tomorrow!"

Before they could answer, a huge explosion made your ears ring. It was close. Too damn close

You ushered them away from the main street and into an alleyway. Left. Right. Running. Ducking. Hiding. Listening

Finally you could deem the sounds of danger far enough away to allow a break

Your brother-in-law was huffing and puffing, having helped your sister stay upright and holding his only few months old son

You quickly checked him and your nephew for any injuries and then tended to your sister. Smart you always carried a thin scarf on your person and that was why

Your sister had little cuts, bruises and scrapes all over. What you used the scarf for though, was the scraggly looking wound on her calf. That was why she couldn't walk properly and you knew only the adrenaline made her able to even move

You then took Austin from your brother-in-law and hushed him when the baby began to cry. God, your brother-in-law looked like he was going to faint

"We wanted to suprise you", your sister gasped, struggling to breathe, "You have so little time and we knew you have a day off today, so we though we could go out for dinner"

"Charming but right now, we can't stay here. It's to dangerous. Get up"

With her husbands help, she did

With the baby now in your arms, they were a lot faster too. You managed to sneak around like that, checking if the coast was clear ever so often

Suddenly you heard something which cause you to pause. You motioned for the adults behind you to not move either. They were a small distance behind you

Beeping... to the left, no behind you. Around where... they are...

The beeping sped up and it took you mere seconds to recognize the sound

You swivelled around to yell- but you were too late. Those seconds were mere seconds too many

The explotion burst forth right behind your sister and her husband

You were thrown back and slammed on your back. The force of the fall pressed all air out of your lungs

You didn't remember for how long you laid there, probably only a few seconds, but you knew you were tightly cradling your nephew

Against the protest of your screaming muscles you got up and looked around*

"Anna?", you called out. You didn't dare scream. Any of the Chitauri could be nearby

"Anna? Mick?", you took tentaive steps toward the huge pile of stones. The explosion had ripped apart the two inner walls of the buildings on either side of the alleyway

The ground was covered in stone as small as a pebble to bigger than your torso. Glass splinters creaked beneath your feet

You came to a halt in front of the piled rubble

"No, no, no... please no, please...", you whimpered. All begging could not change facts.

You saw the blood leaking from the bricks.

You knew that it was where they stood. And you knew that they couldn't have possibly survived

Tears welled up in your eyes but you had no time to cry

Grunts and roars far too close for comfort could be heard. They were there to check for any survivors.

You could consoder yourself lucky that your nephew was knocked out cold from the shock of the explosion. Had that not happened and Austin started to cry instead, the Chitauri would have surely found you

You had to get out of there. With one last mournful glance at the mass of stone, you sprinted away

♧◇♤♡♤◇♧ ~flashback end~

You blinked

Oh god you hadn't planned on sinking into your memories

You hastly wiped away any of your fallen tears and concentrated on cooking again. Luckily nothing burned while you zoned out and Austin didn't notice you standing there like a zombie

You were glad he was here with you. Without him you would've continued to work at the Stark tower, most likely becoming a shell of the woman you once were

With Austin here, you could focus on him, focus on something living. The precious and living memento of your sister

Not like he could go anywhere else

Your father had died only a few weeks before you were born and your mother had passed only a few years before Austin was born.

And Mick was an only child from Denmark. His parents had shunned him for moving to America, they wouldn't even let you speak to them, only stating that "It is your fault our Micky died", and hanging up

You didn't know anyone else of your or his family. That left Austin in your arms

You had left your job at the stark tower, got an apartment in New Jersey and started to work two different jobs to help with the finances. You couldn't depend on Tony to pay everything for you but he had insisted he buy the slightly too big apartment for you since you'd decided not to live in the Stark tower

Though it was a safe building, Tony's enemies often turned their eyes to the occupants and workers in the tower to use as baits or hostages. You didn't want Austin in the picture of said possibility

Though that wasn't the only reason

So you left and cut ties with most of your coworkers and friends from there. Only Tony visited you from time to time. Both of you made sure no one knew that Tony Stark visited (l/n) and her nephew. Austin only knew him as the Tony who always brought gifts

Which were way too expensive, not that Austin knew...

Throughout the day you worked as a 'barista' in a café near Austin's school and at night you worked as a waitress in the restaurant on the lowest floor of the building you lived in

Your new coworkers loved Austin and had bought you some cameras to set up in your apartment. You always turned them on before going downstairs to work. Every fifteen minutes one of the waiters or waitresses would take a peek at the monitor to make sure everything was safe. Now that Austin was older, he sometimes joined you and was allowed to watch how work was done

You were lucky and relieved to have found such good people

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xyoohyeonrk · 4 years

Text

╌、*feeling like failure、

trigger warnings: scolding, verbal fighting, crying .✦｡ﾟ

vibrations of her phone brings yoohyeon out of focus, eyes shifting from the high paced arurf game in front of her and down to the beaming screen that reveals a new text message; it’s all that is needed for yoohyeon to be executed in-game, a minor distraction that quickly lead to a serious misplacement on her behalf. “oh, fuck...” the curse came out as a mere breath as she picks up the device that ultimately became the cause of her death, only to read through all the incoming messages and realise that they all need a proper answer and thus, her full attention -- that of which, she cannot give right now. too much is at stake and for once, yoohyeon found a team that can actually work together. she leaves her mum on read, using the remaining few last seconds to complete her in-game purchases.

✉ 📲 ▸ TEXT RECEIVED FROM ━━━━ 엄마 ━ ( 3 )

▸ our yoohyeonie~ how are you, sweetie? ♥ ▸ listen, our refrigerator broke down… can you send ￦40,000? ▸ you know that i wouldn’t ask if we had any other choice. message read ! ▸ yoohyeon-ah? please answer me. message read !

another text rolls in soon after but yoohyeon has already lost herself into what might, or might not, be the last team fight of the current game. with her screen unlocked, and messaging app open, she accidentally leave the newest message on read also. it is only a matter of seconds anyway so she figures that it won’t really matter. one kill down, two kills down, three kills down before someone manages to stop yoohyeon from wiping out the entire team, fed as she is she unfortunately has a counterpart in the opposite team’s midlaner-- but it isn’t at all enough, they manage to beat down the nexus so low that there is no returning now. while yoohyeon is dead and currently out of the game, her pulse is high as she watch her team mates destroy what is left of the other team’s nexus and secure their victory.

“YES!!!” she practically yells at the screen in front of her, after fourty minutes of intense battle they are finally done and managed to win the game. for a moment there yoohyeon forgot that she does, in fact, live with someone. somewhat embararssed by her outburst, she is glad that naeun is out for another few hours training at kt ent.

✉ 📲 ▸ TEXT SENT TO ━━━━ 엄마 ━ ( 2 )

▸ i’m sorry, mum~ i was in the middle of something~~~ ▸ but i don’t have any more right now, i already gave you everything that i could… ㅠㅠ

satisfied with the victory, yoohyeon brings her chair backwards to lean back in a more relaxed position. she figures that she most probably will be texting her mum from this point of, and it’s pointless to head back into the arurf queue. instead, she changes the game mode to play one last game for the day, lining up for a more chilled game of teamfight tacticts. what she did not take into consideration however, was that her mum might have wanted to call her instead and that is precisely what happens next. moments after yoohyeon accept the matchup, her phone vibrates once again to now reveal an incoming call. she sighs, she’s too tired to converse like this after a full weekend of dancing and having had a full day of work today, but she picks up the call nonetheless. she knows better than to not.

📞 📲 ▸ CALL ONGOING ━━━━ 엄마 ━ ( 00:09 )

yoohyeon: hey, mum~ i’m sorry that i took so long to respond, i wa--

byeol: yoohyeon-ah, what do you mean ‘you don’t have any money’? you just got paid on the 15th, didn’t you? what about that savings account of yours? i know that you are smart enough to not have emptied that already. right? please, i’m not asking for much.

being cut short is not something that yoohyeon is used to and immediately, she notice that it’s uncharacteristically done so by her mum. completely taken aback she remains mute, and she listen to the manipulation that she has yet to realise takes place. a sense of panic hits her, the request is far from grand but there is absolutely no way that she can oblige-- her savings are gone and she won’t be paid for another month. of course, she has enough to pay for rent and food throughout the month of february, but not a dime more than that. if she gave up any more then she would go hungry and while that is something she often do for her family when they’re in need, that is something she has been doing for the past few months already. for once, she could use the satisfaction of being properly fed herself.

📞 📲 ▸ CALL ONGOING ━━━━ 엄마 ━ ( 00:16 )

yoohyeon: i… i– ah, mum, it’s empty. i’m sorry– i’ll work extra hard this month!

byeol: how is it empty, ah? have you wasted your money? what did you waste it on, huh?

her offer is immediately disregarded and yoohyeon suddenly feels attacked when the tone of speech directed at her, is changed to a more hostile approach. she does realise that working extra hard this coming month won’t help them with the current dilemma, she does realise that they need a new refrigerator as soon as yesterday. how can she help, she wonder. perhaps it was foolish of her to buy those gym clothes, thoughts around the decision weighing her down like the worst call of her life. she couldn’t possibly have foreseen this happen though, that her parents’ refrigerator so happened to break down the very month she wanted to spoil herself-- ever since her birthday in january, yoohyeon has mustered the courage to think about herself for once and this is how she is repaid by fate. with shame.

📞 📲 ▸ CALL ONGOING ━━━━ 엄마 ━ ( 00:29 )

yoohyeon: i– i didn’t waste it! i haven’t bought anything in so long but i asked my friend. hwang yeji, remember her? i asked her to teach me how to dance, i needed gym wear fo…

byeol: you wasted your savings on clothes?! don’t you have enough clothes already, ah? i can’t believe how selfish you are, i didn’t raise you like this! what are we going to do now? how are we going to live without a refrigerator– i’m so disappointed in you, i really counted on you for this, yoohyeon-ah!

yoohyeon stopped caring about the game before she even arrived to the first carousel, there’s absolutely no way around defeat and she already know that as she head into round three with minions. having mindlessly sold her first champion for gold and bought everything on roll, she has somehow manged to put together a team of three lights regardless of being scolded by a unreasonably angry mother. during the first half of a teamfight tacticts game she isn’t required to think very much and that alone is the sole reason she can keep from forgeiting already. she cannot for the bare life of her understand where the anger comes from, her heart beating fast as though her life is at stake due to another rush of panic. all yoohyeon wanted by buying the clothes was to pat herself on the shoulder, she deserved it.

📞 📲 ▸ CALL ONGOING ━━━━ 엄마 ━ ( 01:15 )

yoohyeon: i didn’t– ah, i’m sorry… but… what about yookwon oppa? can he contribute?

byeol: how dare you suggest such a thing? you know that your brother is busy. yookwon doesn’t need the added stress right now.

as if yoohyeon needs the added stress right now, but she doesn’t mention that. it would be as useless to voice aloud as it would be to bring up the winter singer contest that she so bravely signed up for, and not to mention the second chance to audition with sphere entertainment. it would only anger her mum even more if she so much as brought highlight to that, and the fact that she turned down the offer for the sake of her family. all of this being a reason why she did decide that she could use a little something, a little prize for stepping out of her comfort zone-- performing for a live crowd, alone, is scary enough as it is, and then to turn down a company that possibly regretted letting her go in the first place... yoohyeon thought she earned the right to pamper herself. after all, she turned down her dream, for them.

📞 📲 ▸ CALL ONGOING ━━━━ 엄마 ━ ( 01:22 )

yoohyeon: ah, yeah... you’re right... i’m sorry, mum... what can i do?

byeol: nothing, apparently, other than playing your idiotic games and having fun like you have no worries in the world-- don’t think that i can’t hear that mouse of yours clicking like your goddamn life depends on it. you should be ashamed of yourself, behaving like a brat without a single care for her family when they are in need!

immediately she lets go of the mouse, her heart skipping a of beat with such a brute force that she is pained by it. shock turns into confusion, confusion turns into ruin. she wants to cry.

allgedly, yoohyeon doesn’t care for her family. working two part time jobs and sending money home every month obviously doesn’t count for helping out, and neither does going hungry for days on end just to make sure that her parents and yoorim is fed properly. applying for jobs at any given time isn’t good enough either, despite recendly landing herself a new full time job at the escape room in gangnam with a steady income. she is speechless by the accusations and that of an order to be ashamed of herself-- for what, exactly...? for spending money on herself for once? for a moment she is willing to accept that her mum is right but no, she isn’t. concern, anxiety and devastation is rapidly replaced with her own anger. after everything that yoohyeon has done for her family, she does not deserve this treatment.

📞 📲 ▸ CALL ONGOING ━━━━ 엄마 ━ ( 01:41 )

yoohyeon: as if i haven’t done enough for you already! working my ass off, every day, to keep you guys from troubles whenver things get rough, even if it means that i have to go hungry. have you ever thought about that, huh? have you?! and this one time, mum... just this one time, i wanted to pamper myself because i deserved it. you don’t even know what i’ve been through lately. you don’t even know...

byeol: yooheon-ah, calm down! what are you sa--

it feels like such a waste at this point and yoohyeon gasps for air, trying her very best to keep from hiccuping through whines that manages to escape. she can’t recall the last time that she cried and while some tears can be good and healthy, this one admittedly pains her more than anything else ever has. the mixture of pure agony and betrayal breaks her right there, on the phone with the person that she usually woud seek comfort when upset. once again, she’s so incredibly glad that naeun is out training, but for a different reason; she sobs loudly, her hand reaching up to cover a tear stained cheek as though hiding from the world-- not that it helps in any way or form, the damage has already been done. her game is long forgotten, and for all she cares she has already been taken enough damage to be out.

📞 📲 ▸ CALL ONGOING ━━━━ 엄마 ━ ( 01:58 )

yoohyeon: i can’t help you this time, mum. get the money from somewhere else!

📞 📲 ▸ CALL DISCONNECTED ━━━━ 엄마 ━ ( 02:07 )

she doesn’t allow for a proper response, this time being the one to cut her mum short instead. sweat breaks through the fabric of her t-shirt as she finally end the call without so much as a good bye, immediately burrying her face in both hands as she weeps into the damp palms. it doesn’t feel good to cry this time, it isn’t at all a good cry. yoohyeon feels completely at loss, whatever is she going to do now? with this being the first fight that she has ever had with her mum, she suddenly realise that she don’t know how things will be after this. it doesn’t matter that her mum is trying to call her back now-- not once, not twice, not thrice. yoohyeon can’t hear it through her whimpers, not that she would have picked up anyway. it doesn’t matter that she texts her to apologise. the damage has certainly been done.

#rkxsnn #rkyeji #;wc. 2200 #;solo. feeling like failure

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lhs3020b · 4 years

Text

Some notes on recent polling developments (long, fairly depressing)...

The YouGov MRP figures came out last night. This is notable because in 2017, the multilevel-regression approach was the sole one that spotted the possibility of a hung parliament. We all ridiculed it at the time - I'll confess that I side-eyed it too. And then - well, we all know what happened to Theresa May, don't we? So, the MRP thing deserves to be taken seriously. And unfortunately, this year, it's looking grim for us. Briefly, the MRP is forecasting a Tory majority. They're also predicting that all opposition parties (bar the SNP, who only stand in Scotland) will lose seats. Labour in particular look in the danger-zone for a collapse, and contrary to their bullish predictions, the Liberal Democrats are also forecast to lose seats. (Note that this is with respect to their current strength - technically, the MRP result gives them a gain of 2 seats on where they were on the 9th of June. They currently have 19, due to defections from various other parties.)

I'll admit that I don't want to believe the MRP results, but this has never been a data-denialist blog, and I don't intend to start on that road today.

One caveat is that the reporting on the MRP results has ben remarkably-bad. The actual YouGov page is here: https://yougov.co.uk/topics/politics/articles-reports/2019/11/27/yougov-mrp-conservatives-359-labour-211-snp-43-ld- Buried a long way down the page, they say this: "Taking into account the margins of error, our model puts the number of Conservative seats at between 328 and 385, meaning that while we can be confident that the Conservatives would currently get a majority, it could range from a modest one to a landslide." As far as I can tell, the "majority of 68" figure is derived by treating 317 as a working majority and assuming that the Tory vote lands right at the upper end of their confidence-interval. This is poor statistical practice for a variety of reasons. It's also a bit questionable in terms of parliamentary arithmetic - the "working majority" thing depends on how many Sinn Fein MPs Northern Ireland elects (they don't take their seats, so count toward neither Government nor Opposition tallies). And we won't necessarily know how many that is until, well, December the 13th.

(Also, a further health-warning is that apparently the model isn't able to fully-represent some local phenomena, such as independent candidates, and the effect of the Brexit Party's partial stand-down is also apparently somewhat-unclear. The last caveat is that the analysis assumes data that has already been collected - that is, if public opinion changes between now and polling day, then obviously existing projections could become obsolete. This will still be a possible source of error even if the MRP sample is statistically-unbiased and the underlying theory/analysis is all sound.)

However, even the best-case scenario for us gives the Tories 328 seats, which is both a working and a (very small) absolute majority.

Obviously, this is not a good situation for us.

While not quite a landslide, nonetheless an inflated Tory majority will be devastating for this country. The stuff they'll do will be awful. Brexit will happen. There'll be a bus crash late next year, when the transition period ends. (No, they will have no plan for this - they won't feel they need one, as they'll be secure in power until 2024.) There'll be a Windrush for resident EU citizens. They'll trash the economy. They'll probably crash the NHS - the only question there is whether they do it through accidental negligence or through deliberate malice (say, an ideologically-driven trade "deal" that gives President Trump everything he wants on a silver platter). Nothing will be done about the country’s escalating housing crisis. They'll double down on all the maddest of the madcap "law-n-order" stuff - expect an explosion in jailable offences, accompanied by lengthy minimum-sentence tariffs and further restrictions on legal aid. They'll also resuscitate their plans to manipulate the parliamentary boundaries, and change electoral laws in their favour. The media? Expect no surprises from them. The newspapers are largely already Conservative Pravdas. The BBC - nervous about its precious Royal Charter - seems to be in the process of declaring itself for the Tories too.

Bluntly, if the Tories get re-elected this year, they'll gerrymander things so you have little chance of getting rid of them in 2024.

Perhaps this is the key thing to understand about Boris Johnson: really, he's less Britain's Trump, and more Britain's Victor Orban. He'll leave just enough vestigial democracy intact to make what he's doing plausibly-deniable, but he'll busily rearrange the furniture to favour himself and his friends. If he gets re-elected this December, you can expect to be seeing his face into the 2030s. The only reason I put the cut-off as early as that is that I expect the coming climate-crisis will wreak havoc with the Tories' internal coalition. (Oh you've built all your luxury millionaire mansions by the seaside? How nice for you, especially now that the sea is literally in your parlour. Umm, whoops.)

What can be done? Well, the first thing is to reiterate some discussions I've seen on Twitter recently. The TL;DR of them is that hope doesn't have to be something you feel - it can be something you do. (And that's just as well, because I'll admit that 2019 has destroyed what traces of social optimism I was clinging to. I'm dreading the bad end that's coming to us next month, but I also fully-expect it.)

So, my advice remains as it has been: on December the 12th, turn up, and vote for whoever you judge most likely to beat the Tory.

Remember, the MRP approach is fallible. "Mortal, finite, temporary" is absolutely in play here; no model is any better than the data that went into it. Or, indeed, the date when it was calculated. And at the end of the day, the only poll that genuinely-matters is the one on December the 12th, and that hasn't actually happened yet. (Though admittedly, given the storm-surge of pre-emptive grief that's flooding Twitter today, you could be forgiven for thinking otherwise.)

As for the horrible mess that are our opposition parties, I'll repeat what I said in 2017: it's OK to vote for a least-worst option. You're not perjuring yourself or committing any moral sin, rather you're trying to be a grown-up. Part of the package of being an adult is making the best of bad situations.

It absolutely does suck - believe me, this is one of the most soul-destroying election campaigns I've ever seen. Every single party has clown-show'd itself. All of them have done things that are ridiculous, inept or otherwise ghastly. (Well, maybe not the Greens - I haven't heard of any specific scandals surrounding them - but their cardinal sin is that they have no plausible prospect of winning the election.) But even then, the barrel we're going to have to stare down is going and voting for them anyway.

(As a related case-in-point, one factor that seems to have helped the Tories win their unexpected 2015 majority was that a contingent of left-wing voters simply stayed at home on the day. While it's hard to find concrete statistics on, nonetheless anecdotally, this absolutely was a thing. A lot of people were demotivated by Labour's confused and incoherent campaign, left cold by all the bothering about fiscal rules, and alienated by things like the mug with "controls on immigration" on it. All of those are 100% valid criticisms. Except, except, except ... it helped an even worse party back into office. The theory of "if the choices are bad, sit it out" has been tested to destruction. It turns out that looking the other way is also a choice, and not necessarily the best one.)

I would add that there are also real questions to be asked about the utter vacuum of political strategy of people nominally on the anti-Tory side - it seems the Opposition spent the summer fixated on the minutiae of House procedures, while never stopping to ask why they were on this battlefield to begin with. Meanwhile the Tories largely-ignored Commons process, and instead sent a political appeal straight to Leave voters. It lost them a lot of individual legislative battles (and I'm not minimising their defeats - they were important!), but it put them in a good strategic place to win an election. And in the long run, it turns out that was what mattered.

It's hard not to feel bitter while thinking about the events of spring and summer. Perhaps if Jo Swinson had been less blinkered about Jeremy Corbyn, perhaps if Labour could have had the minimum sense to call a Vote of No Confidence when BoJo was vulnerable, perhaps if the collective Opposition had been able to recognise the huge wave of unharnessed political energy washing through the country during the petition back in March, perhaps if Change UK had managed to be something other than an unfunny joke, maybe if Corbyn had taken the anti-semitism problem seriously in 2018 and had actually done something instead of sitting on his hands and letting it metastasize to the point where it derailed his election campaign ... but, no. That's for some other, better timeline, not the one we live in. We seem to live in the world that resolutely and firmly chooses the wrong fork in every road. I don't know whether our timeline quite qualifies as the Bad Place, but it's certainly a place full of bad choices.

In a weird sort of way, though, this brings us back to the key theme. Whatever you might think of what's happening in this election - and goodness knows I'm as appalled as anyone else - nonetheless, your vote matters. Use it. As we're seeing, this is the ultimate limitation on their power, and the one chance we have of stopping them.

So once more, let me reiterate: turn up. Vote against the Tory. Do it as a hopeful action, even if you don't feel hopeful. If nothing else, do it so that when the bad things happen, at least you can say you tried to stop it. I wish I had something less bleak to offer here, but this is where we are.

#UK internal politics #diary of a disaster #needed to get that wail of despair out of my system really #still feeling quite despairing though

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darkchambersofourminds · 5 years

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You Can’t Move On With Your Life If You Don’t Stop Pitying Yourself...

Summary:

"Once in an another life I was given some good advice: You can’t move on with your life if you don’t stop pitying yourself..."

NOTES:(Because i messed up my posting order) This story comes just before: “ A Broken Person Who Was Just Like Me”

Pages from Susan’s diary: Progress report (sort of) Gave the Aterna in my home a nickname, Thari. It’s a lot easier to say than Tharaêl and who does not like nicknames. Thari is still having nightmares every night and he is still not talking to me. During day time he is still standing at the balcony, quiet, staring into nothingness. Oh and I got some bread delivered by a kid who delivered me a letter from the order. Yeah they want me to go back. Shi… Bullocks another thing to worry about. Blazes I’m tired of all of this… On the brighter and more optimistic side: I’ve taken to reading a lot lately. I’ve collected a fair amount of books during my time in Enderal and now I have time to read them. Every day I sit near Thari and read out loud. It is both interesting for me and I hope that he likes it too. I hope… Hope… a strange word, an important word. Something you don’t want to lose. [There is a scribbled sketch of the word hope with bread on the background.]

***

Some time later… I’m getting even more letters from the temple. They are always being delivered by the same kid. I’ve actually come to an arrangement with him: every time he delivers me a letter he also brings me bread in exchange for some extra money. I’m running out of books. In a way it’s good because I’ve learned so much, but on the other hand it means I have nothing to occupy my time with. If I don’t have something to occupy my time with then bad memories start running through my head. The Cycle, red madness, the thing I saw in Calia in the excavation site, Sirius and of course the whole situation with Tharaêl. Gods nothing has changed with him. He is still quiet, still ignoring me. I’m beginning to think that he is not trying to get better. What if he’ll stay like this forever? Is he another friend who is lost because I was not good enough? Not supportive enough… There go the bad thoughts again. I should get out of my head. [On the bottom of the page there is a quick drawing of piled dark books with various titles such as “Sirius”, “Darkness”, “Calia”, “Tharaêl”,”Not Good Enough…”.]

***

Even later… It’s been about two and a half weeks. I’m all out of books to read and the dark thoughts are running rampant in my head. I’m beginning to see the nightmares again. It’s always the same the road to home and a beautiful summer day. All seems alright, no pain, warm and soft breeze caressing my cheeks, the smell of mother’s raisin bread… I walk up to our house and then there is father, calm chopping wood. He tells me to go inside and help him skin the deer he caught. Then something goes wrong. He begins yelling, I’m ready for the next blow that used to follow when I was a kid, but this time he doesn’t hit me he begins ripping flesh from the dead deer with his bare hands while jelling over and over again: “Give me a nice crisp piece of meat!” The words echo in my head and I have this unsettling feeling in my stomach- I feel nauseous and want to run, but my feet won’t move it’s a s if I’m nailed to the floor. And then for no apparent reason the room bursts into flames. I wake up just before the flames reach me. I usually wake up then covered in cold sweat. What cruel jokes life plays on me? I sleep only for a few hours each day and now even those few hours are plagued with nightmares. It has to mean something because it is always the same dream- how can it be without reason? When I am awake I know that it repeats itself, but when I’m in it it is as if I forget all that has happened and I’m a child again- afraid to do anything and dreaming of the day when the fear is no more. I’ve gone so far from the little kid who is afraid of her father, afraid to move, speak even breathe wrong because he got so angry. I’m tired of being afraid, but even now years later in a new place with daddy dead he still comes back to haunt me. During the day time I feel less like myself. I feel sort of dark… it is a strange sensation I try to look strong and happy, but it is slipping, I’m slipping. I still try to say encouraging and positive for Thari, but it is difficult now that I see that he does not even try to move forward. I thought I could handle it because, I’ve been the occasional shoulder for others, but this is different. The others wanted to get better, but Thari- he is just quiet and depressed and that is bringing the depression out in me. Why can’t life just be easy? Why can’t people be uncomplicated? Is he ignoring me because I’m trying to fix complicated situations in a complicated manner? What if there is a simple fix that’ m not seeing- a simple fix like a quick slap to the face to snap out of a shock situation or shaking of shoulders to help a friend out of a nightmare. Because my words don’t seem to have an effect on him I just want to grab him by his shoulders and shake him until he snaps out of his trance and comes back to the real world. What have I to lose? I’ll try it. When it comes to the letters from the Temple then they have become daily (soon, estimatedly in a week or so, I won’t be able to even pay the delivery kid for bread- blazes I need to get a job as soon as possible). Seems the old Grand Master is becoming impatient, but I can’t go back there. I’m not ready yet. I can’t put my finger on it, but all of it feels like a fast speed river- when I get into it by will or falling it takes me with its flow and because of the strong flow it is challenging to get out- a complete struggle that feels like a few moments, but in those few moments the distance the river has taken me is way too vast to find a way back. This regime feels like a soft pillow pressed against my face. At first it’s nothing- I can breathe and it even blocks the bright light and shadows in the corners of my house. But with each day passing it presses down with more and more force cutting off my air supply. Soon I won’t be able to catch my breath… I have to do something. [On the next page there is a drawing of a charred hand holding a perfectly preserved fresh loaf of raisin bread. Both are on fire.]

***

I’ve been going over my equipment for hours now. Checking that the armor is fine, that the leather boots are oiled and weapons sharp. In a way keeping myself busy calms me and I’m going to need all the calm I can muster for the serious talk I’m going to have today. Better check on my backpack for holes or something… I’m procrastinating… Blazes I have to get this over with. I walk over to Tharaêl. He seems so calm and emotionless while string off into the distance. Sometimes I just want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and tell him to snap out of it. I tried that once- he didn’t even bat an eye. Hopefully I’ll get through to him today by just talking because talking is something I’m good at and perhaps this time he’ll really hear me. I lean on the railing and begin my speech that I must have run through my mind dozens of times: “Hey Thari. It’s me, Susan. I’ve got something important to tell you. Sure you have been quiet for a while, seemingly tuned out of life and reality, totally nonresponsive to everything. Nonetheless I’ve been talking to you every day now. I’m not sure though if you have been listening to me or hearing me, but I sure hope that you’ll listen to me now because I need you to hear me- really hear me. You will be left alone here. I won’t be here for you because all of this is destroying me. The sleepless nights and days babysitting you so that you would not do anything stooped is difficult, sure, but I can handle all that – I’ve handled things like that before, but seeing someone getting worse and worse while not making an effort to better their situation- that is too much for me. I do not know what you are going through or how difficult all of this is for you, but I’ve been in a place where nothing has a point, when life is all a blur of pain and darkness and there seems no way out. I am aware that it is hard to move on, but in the end all of it is stuck in you. You can’t move on if you don’t get out of the bed and take a few steps out of your comfort zone. The only person who can help you now is you. Me- I can be along the journey for you and hopefully make things a bit easier, but that does not change the fact that you need to get moving. “ My palms are sweating and my heart is pounding in my chest so had that I can feel it in my throat. This tiny talk is not that scary- sure in a way some aspects of both of our lives depend on this, but it’s nothing big. I take a deep breath and run a hand through my hair. The movement relaxes me a bit. “I’m not sure if you count days and keep track of time, but it has been full three weeks since everything happened at the temple. It isn’t a long time in a sense of processing your feelings and building up the foundation for your life. I do understand that, but on the other hand life is too sort for people like us and we don’t know what lies ahead. Heck one theory right this instant is that all of us will be killed by some High Ones. That is what the people up in the Sun Temple think. They also think that I’m connected to all of it… somehow. All of it sounds ludicrous. I almost died on my way to Enderal. It was scary and difficult and I was lost at that time- had been lost for years. Now I’m finally finding my way back to my path and because of it all I want to do is live and not focus on how horribly we are going to die- not when I’ve found the will to live. I’m ranting. It’s not what I came here to do. Sorry. Anyway the next point on why I am leaving: I’m not sure if you have been paying any attention, but I’ve begun getting letters from the people at the Sun Temple. They want me back there, but I can’t go there… at least not yet. This is why I have a grand idea of making some money. There is this notice board for bounty contracts here in Ark. As far as the job goes it seems simple and the money they pay is noting to scoff at. I will leave tomorrow morning,” I nudge him with my elbow and smile, “and it would be great to have some company.” Still staring off into the distance. Damn it even walls are more responsive than him. I’ve been patient for so long is it not enough. Would it be too much to ask for a single word? Blazes even a simple nod or something would do. I want to scream and cry at the same time. How can it be that someone wastes their life just like that? I feel bitter because I wonder what the dead would give to be alive again. What would Sirius think of someone letting themselves waste away like that. “Once in an another life I was given some good advice: You can’t move on with your life if you don’t stop pitying yourself and I do hope that you decide to get the fuck over yourself and take the first steps to improve. True words of wisdom that you should take to heart - if not then I guess this is where our paths will take us apart… one way or another. Anyway I will be making some preparations for what’s ahead and then I’ll probably crash at some inn. I’m done with talking to walls. As for tomorrow I’ll be at the noticeboard until an hour after sunrise then I’ll head out. All is in your hands now.” I walk to my equipment. Put on the armor and equip my weapons. I’m growing more and more nervous because I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing by giving Tharaêl an ultimatum. Am I being a total ass by telling him to get better or pretty much telling him to get lost one way or another? That is tough love, right? And sometimes a person needs a push to get back on track. Tough love- a shitty term for justifying even shittier actions- I’m turning into my father.

Notes:

But hey here is this thing full of psychological… stuff. Now seriously this was a way of handling a topic of empathic people being in a relationship (friendship is a type of relationship too). Empathic people feel a lot more- they sort of reflect the feelings of others around them. As an example when someone around them is happy then they will be happy too and when they are happy, but someone around them is sad then their mood will go down and they will be sad(er).

The lovely prophetess Susan would be considered empathic, but only in cases when she gets a bit closer to people. And this was me exploring how she would react to what is going on. And seriously what fun would it be to have a main character with very small issues. And with all the character goes through in he game they will be affected mentally a lot- jeeze even playing through the game is an emotional roller-coaster.

I’m also trying to depict here her way of descending into darker spaces of her mind- that is what the diary entries are for in the beginning and he speaking part later on is her trying to better both of their situations while trying to hide the fact how broken she has gotten.

Anyway if you made it this far then I honestly do hope you liked it!

#tharaêl/prophetess #Tharael #tharaêl #angst #HEAVY ANGST #fanfic #enderal #enderal forgotten stories #emotional issues

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ultrasfcb-blog · 6 years

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Lewis Hamilton drove with

F1 driver Jolyon Palmer, who left Renault on the finish of 2017, joins the BBC workforce this season to supply perception and evaluation from the perspective of the rivals.

Lewis Hamilton arrived ultimately weekend’s Chinese language Grand Prix saying he had been geeing up his workforce, emphasising that they wanted an ideal weekend from everyone to attempt to eat into his factors deficit to Sebastian Vettel after the Ferrari driver’s win in Bahrain.

By Sunday, he had completed precisely that – however due to the circumstances of a loopy race, reasonably than something Hamilton and Mercedes did themselves.

In truth, each workforce and driver had one other troublesome race in China, and Hamilton left Shanghai admitting he wanted to do a little bit of soul-searching to work out what was going improper.

The weekend began so nicely, with Hamilton at his dominant greatest by means of Friday follow classes.

Nevertheless it all modified on Saturday. The temperatures dropped and drivers have been fighting tyre temperatures.

Hamilton all of the sudden had a woeful remaining follow session, having a large spin exiting Flip 10 and lots of different off-track excursions. And it wasn’t all that shocking when he was out-performed by his team-mate Valtteri Bottas in qualifying for the second time in succession.

Frustration boiling over

There’s a little bit of a sample rising concerning Hamilton and Mercedes.

So typically once they have the perfect automobile, or a automobile in good condition with the steadiness precisely how Hamilton desires it, he’s unstoppable. That was the case in Australia firstly of the season, when he produced top-of-the-line pole laps of current occasions, to be practically 0.7secs away from the sphere.

Nonetheless, when issues begin to unravel and the automobile is a little more troublesome to drive, it appears Bottas turns into rather more of a match for Hamilton and typically is forward.

It occurred a couple of occasions within the first half of final 12 months, and now once more in Bahrain and China this season.

Hamilton’s workforce radio in these races displays his common dissatisfaction.

In China, he appeared to be driving whereas always desirous about the previous, with remorse and frustration.

It started with him apologising to his workforce for a foul begin. I do not suppose I’ve ever apologised to a workforce for a foul begin. It is one thing you by no means hear from different drivers both. Within the early laps you’re busy getting your head down and combating for place.

Hamilton is 9 factors behind chief Sebastian Vettel within the drivers’ championship

Hamilton’s begin wasn’t even that unhealthy. Positive, he misplaced a spot to the fast-starting Max Verstappen’s Pink Bull. However there are lots of different drivers having worse begins than that. Pressure India’s Sergio Perez, for instance, went from eighth place, his greatest qualifying place of the 12 months, to nicely exterior the highest 10 on the opening lap.

It was additionally weird that Hamilton was nonetheless talking about this round lap 10 of the race.

At this level, it was nicely previously, however he was clearly not over it and was very annoyed about it.

Perhaps this comes again to the Thursday message, the place he was demanding excessive requirements from everybody within the workforce and he felt he had let the facet down a bit.

Perhaps he’s placing an excessive amount of stress on himself in these moments as a result of, with 18 races to go this season, I can assure it will not be the final time he loses a spot on the primary lap. This stuff occur.

A missed alternative

If Hamilton’s early radio frustration was about himself, the later messages have been actually aimed on the strategists.

Mercedes missed a trick as the security automobile got here out. They need to have pitted Hamilton, like Pink Bull who pitted each of their drivers.

As a lot as Hamilton could have been aggravated in regards to the error, for him to maintain happening about it should have been annoying for the engineers. There’s nothing they will do about it as soon as it is occurred

Hamilton was in fourth place, had little to lose, and if he had pitted he would have returned to the observe forward of eventual winner Daniel Ricciardo and on the identical tyres and technique. The victory would have been there for the taking.

This isn’t the primary time this 12 months Hamilton has been let down by technique because of the security automobile.

He misplaced a race win in Melbourne due to a miscalculation, and that was successfully technique gone improper when he had dominated the weekend and totally deserved to win.

His frustrations on Sunday as he realised Pink Bull had pitted and he hadn’t have been totally justified and comprehensible. His workforce had let him down at that time. They need to have pitted and have been caught napping by Pink Bull.

A radio message from a driver to spotlight his dissatisfaction with the technique is a traditional incidence in F1 lately. A driver cannot management his personal technique. They do not know what is going on on in the remainder of the race. They depend on the workforce in these situations.

To overlook an opportunistic achieve is one factor, however to lose out to others who’ve been smarter hurts rather more.

Max Verstappen handed Hamilton with eight laps to go however the Pink Bull driver didn’t handle to tug out sufficient of a lead over the Mercedes to maintain the place as soon as his penalty was utilized

Everyone knows in regards to the cliché of successful and shedding collectively, however when you’ve got been pushing flat-out for an hour or so and a few guys sat on the pit wall allow you to down, it’s mightily irritating.

Having stated that, complaining as soon as is one factor, however we heard Hamilton point out it numerous occasions through the remaining 20 laps or so.

The workforce could have been completely conscious of their mistake. That was clear with the way in which Ricciardo was making mild work of the remainder of F1’s heavy hitting drivers out entrance to take a straightforward win.

As a lot as Hamilton could have been aggravated in regards to the error, for him to maintain happening about it should have been annoying for the engineers.

There’s nothing they will do about it as soon as it is occurred. It is previously and it felt like Hamilton was distracted by his disappointment and by no means actually obtained going once more afterwards. A public shaming of the strategists will solely up the stress on them as nicely, and may give them a couple of extra doubts about these choices sooner or later.

In the long run, Hamilton can rely himself fortunate to have closed the hole to Vettel in China. He alluded to that after the race, saying Verstappen did him an enormous favour by working into Vettel.

What’s extra regarding for him is his slight blip in type. Hamilton is totally able to pulling it collectively when his again is towards the wall, although. Arguably he works greatest below stress and he will likely be working extraordinarily onerous to show it round in Baku in two weeks’ time.

How does Ricciardo do it?

Ricciardo was at his sensible greatest within the second half of the Chinese language Grand Prix.

The late-race situation of charging on recent tyres brings the perfect out of him. It requires fast, convincing overtakes and that is precisely what the Australian offered on Sunday.

He makes the troublesome artwork of overtaking look really easy. The way in which he units up an overtake is vital. The factor is from the surface he does not give something away. He is aware of how far again he can ship a lunge in from, and when he is inside vary he sits within the slipstream and simply waits for his opponent to brake earlier than firing it down the within on the final second when it is too late for them to reply.

The important thing for him is to offer nothing away earlier than the braking zone. When drivers transfer out too early, it truly turns into simpler to defend as the motive force forward is aware of what to anticipate.

The toughest go Ricciardo made was on Bottas for the lead and that was as a result of the Finn had a sense it was coming, gave Ricciardo an enormous squeeze within the braking zone and it was so near contact.

It was the epic remaining transfer Ricciardo’s drive deserved. His transfer on Hamilton was from additional again, although. He did his trademark late lunge and made it look simple. No lock-up, made the apex, utilizing the brakes to full effectivity. His judgement is exceptional.

The hot button is to be so dedicated, no second ideas or doubts about what you are going to do. If you begin to second-guess your self or change your thoughts through the nook, that is when collisions usually tend to occur and that is precisely what we noticed together with his team-mate.

Extra dramas for Max

Verstappen wrote this message on Twitter to his Pink Bull workforce after the collision with Ferrari’s Sebastian Vettel

Verstappen had the race to lose after the security automobile. He was forward of Ricciardo, with the identical automobile and similar tyres and Kimi Raikkonen’s Ferrari was in between him and his team-mate.

The issues for Verstappen started together with his first assault, on Hamilton.

The try across the exterior of Flip Seven was daring, to say the least. Verstappen had no overlap coming into the nook, the quickest one of many observe, however on seeing Hamilton sluggish by means of the center of it on extra worn tyres, he tried to swoop across the exterior.

It will have been the transfer of the season had it come off, however after final week’s conflict between the 2 in Bahrain, there was no means Hamilton was going to let him go that simply.

He gave Verstappen a squeeze, the Pink Bull obtained on the slippery off-line a part of the observe, had an enormous slide and needed to bail out over the grass. That gave Ricciardo the benefit and put Verstappen on the again foot.

Just a few laps later, having handed Hamilton, Verstappen was searching down Vettel and made a a lot greater error of judgement.

He was too far again as they headed into Flip 14, however Vettel locked up and in a break up second Verstappen jumped off the brakes and tried to sneak up the within to take benefit.

The issue with this transfer was that it wasn’t decisive in any respect.

Vettel would not have seen him coming because the out-of-control Verstappen locked up and clattered into the facet of the Ferrari.

Verstappen realised his error and did the respectable factor by apologising afterwards.

As a driver on the receiving finish, this does enable you to recover from it, and Vettel was philosophical reasonably than offended after the race. He misplaced factors, however at the very least Verstappen held his fingers up and did not get into the same old blame recreation we so typically see.

Pink Bull was well-hyped this season as having potential for a championship problem, and Ricciardo has proven they will ship.

However for his half, Verstappen wants to start out bringing extra consistency into his racing.

Over-ambition in every of the races thus far has left him solely eighth within the championship, behind each McLaren’s Fernando Alonso and Renault’s Nico Hulkenberg, whose automobiles are nowhere close to as fast.

Individuals love Verstappen’s aggressive, entertaining driving – it is nice for the game and nice viewing – however as a rule in the intervening time it is costing him.

ultras FC Barcelona - https://ultrasfcb.com/formula1/2005/

#Barcelona

#formula1

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pagedesignhub-blog · 7 years

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The BMW Dependancy That Completely Destroyed This Man’s Life

New Post has been published on https://pagedesignhub.com/the-bmw-dependancy-that-completely-destroyed-this-mans-life/

The BMW Dependancy That Completely Destroyed This Man’s Life

“Earlier than we get on your car questions,” my former round the corner neighbor, Terrance, said, “I need to tell you each some thing. My spouse left me. My children won’t communicate to me. I lost my task. I embezzled nearly a half of 1,000,000 greenbacks because I’m addicted to BMWs, and were hiding them all over the state. I’ll probably be going to prison soon.”

My spouse and that I checked out each other in utter disbelief.

That became returned in fall 2013 in Longmont, Colorado. My son changed into years antique. My wife became pregnant with our daughter. One among my bands changed into about to leave for an excursion in a pair weeks, but we had yet to discover a van. I had been getting desperate, so I went to Craigslist. A Volkswagen Eurovan stuck my eye because of its low mileage and price. The advert said it was lacking its heater center, but that the vendor would encompass one, uninstalled. I had no idea how difficult it might be to install the heater center myself. however, I knew a person who might be in a position to tell me: my next door neighbor, Terrance.

He was also an avid fan of BMWs, particularly 2002s, the small coupes that helped establish the company’s reputation for performance in the 1960s and ‘70s. He would frequently tell me how they were flawlessly designed and engineered automobiles. He had a stunning crimson one, a gold one, and a white one parked in his garage that he labored on frequently. His two youngsters had BMWs. Clearly, he knew as a minimum something about German automobiles, so I figured perhaps he ought to inform me if it would be easy to install a heater core.

I trotted over and knocked on his door. I remember that whilst he answered it, I immediately smelled alcohol, which struck me as a bit atypical. He asked me to provide him a couple of minutes, after which he’d come over so we ought to speak.

approximately 10 mins later, he knocked at the door. His face turned into flushed, and he didn’t have his standard vibrant eyes and smile. I invited him in, and he sat down on the couch even as my son performed on the floor and my wife appeared on.

And that’s while he told us approximately his crime, approximately how he was going to lose his house and his own family.

To start with, my disbelief gave way to a protecting instinct. I had a notion I’d regarded Terrance, however reputedly now not. And now he changed into sitting a pair feet from my little one son, a pair feet from my pregnant wife. I had the urge to kick him out of the residence.

but I saw how worried and damaged he was. He told us how badly he betrayed his own family and how desperately he desired them returned. I provided tepid encouragement, telling him to stay robust, hold in there, to do what turned into proper, whatever that turned into.

He left. We by no means talked about the heater core. I in no way offered the Eurovan.

I’m withholding Terrance’s final name on this tale. not for his sake, but for his family’s. His kids, I was informed, have fears about their names coming up in connection with this tale. I’m absolutely now not seeking to compound what they’ve already gone through. (They didn’t want to talk about this tale.)

Until this, the own family had been the proper next-door associates. They had been friendly, they have been quiet, they weren’t nosey, they enjoyed a brief chat, and they were helpful. This become our first residence, and the day we moved in, my spouse went into labor and we rushed off to the hospital. We were younger and new to home ownership, and especially in that first 12 months, a bit crushed. Terrance became constantly glad to help me with a chore like blowing out my sprinkler system in the late fall Before it started freezing.

I absolutely could not get my mind across the fact that Terrance, of all people, ought to have executed the one’s things. And I was the barely the only one to experience that manner.

“It was simply an incredible shock when we found out he could have betrayed us within the manner in which he did,” Byron Chrisman instructed me. Byron, along with his son Steve, based Chrisman Industrial, Terrance’s agency. “I imply, for all intents and functions, as far as we had been worried, we form of handled Terrance as a circle of relatives.”

Steven Weber, who lived across the road from Terrance, said the identical.

“I nonetheless have a difficult time expertise it’s the identical person… He didn’t look the element,” he said. “I mean, I’d come over and go to with him, and that I’d see him accessible, selecting twigs off his lawn like he become nearly passionate about twigs on his garden and neatness.”

Artwork Krill had two BMW restore shops in Boulder Earlier than he retired, and had worked on a number of Terrance’s BMWs over time. “After I got the bits and pieces of Terrance’s story, I was flabbergasted,” he informed me.

These days, Terrance is aware their shock.

“No person suspected this,” Terrance stated. “You speak approximately the white-wooden fence. I lived a pretty responsible Existence. whilst my kids had been developing up, I went to all their activities, turned into a scout chief for a lot of years, taught Sunday faculty for three-yr-olds at church, and attended church every Sunday. So people take a look at the exterior and say, ‘this guy’s a quite responsible person. He has this ardour, or maybe it’s an obsession, perhaps it’s a touch out-of-bounds that he’s spending all this time and effort on those automobiles. however he looks after his other obligations. His own family appears to be satisfied. He does an excellent process at paintings. He works hard as hell at work, he takes care of all his duties there?’”

Owning forty two extra automobiles than his circle of relatives notion he did, Terrance regarded past his driveway for storage. “I had a pal who ran a salvage enterprise, garage vicinity, and had 30-plus motors sitting in his vicinity,” in Weld County.

and then there have been the large caches of parts he stored elsewhere. “I did get a threat to peer, when we had been helping him pass stuff, some garage locations by using Boulder and different locations” Steven Weber instructed me. “He honestly had these garage places Absolutely full of parts. I in no way knew the scope of the way into this obsession he became with his automobiles… I’m able to’t even realise it,” he said.

He additionally had 12 other BMWs stored inside the parking zone of the organisation he worked for. now not only did he have automobiles stored on their lot, he filled empty devices inside the building with yet more BMW parts. “FedEx and Americaused to show up at my workplace every day with stuff that I purchased off of eBay for these automobiles,” Terrance recalled. “There has been a few unfinished space in our constructing that hadn’t been constructed out for a tenant that become literally filled with BMW parts.”

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the-movieblog-fan-blog · 7 years

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When I initially watched the trailer for “Children of Men” I thought I wasn’t going to be too big on it. I hated what appeared to be the film’s apocalyptic and dystopian setting. I thought it was going to be another unrealistic “what if” type movie that, in my opinion, serves no purpose to me as an audience member seen as how none of the events in the film could possibly relate to reality or have meaningful purpose behind it. However, watching the film completely changed my perspective and overall opinion on the movie. The movie is so much more than what I thought it was and furthermore contradicts my original thoughts and ideas of it being meaningless and incapable of relating to reality, which is why I believe the movie is so incredibly magnificent. Along with showcasing action-packed adventure, Director Alfonso Cuarón decided to incorporate and explore the very unique and compelling themes of hope and faith, as well as religion, and cultural, historical and modern referencing. The multitude of different themes effectively provides an additional dimension to the film, giving it a higher quality in depth and profundity, thus giving the film an element of superiority.

In a dystopian world filled with chaos and infertility, England stands as the only country left with a functional government and established order. This causes an enormous immigrant and refugee problem for England, and thus showcases the English government in the film to be incredibly totalitarian and fascist, and genuinely against immigration. As a result, the government hunts down all illegal immigrants and sends them to refugees camps for deportation.

Nominated for three Academy Awards, “Children of Men” follows the POV of A-List actor Clive Owen as Theo Faron. After escaping a terrorist bombing and being kidnapped by a terrorist organization led by his ex-wife, he is asked to get transit papers for a client of the organization. It is later revealed that the papers are for a pregnant woman. After escaping the terrorist compound with Kee (the pregnant woman) and Miriam, the three flee to Jasper’s house and from there embark on their adventure to find and board the ship, “Tomorrow” by “The Human Project” (a group of scientists committed to ending infertility).

Hope and faith is one of the central themes of the film, in that hope depends on the future generations of mankind. In this case, Kee’s baby is the world’s hope for recovery and rehabilitation. At the sight of the baby in the refugee camp, hundreds of refugees and soldiers (on both the military and terrorist side) praise and hail the baby. The baby is an effective tool in instilling the idea of hope into the world, and has the power to stop all the chaos that has erupted throughout it (like when the soldiers stopped the gunfight in the refugee camp at when they saw the baby). Furthermore, hope has an incredible impact on the character development of Theo Faron, which furthermore supports the idea of hope and faith as a theme in the film. In the beginning, the pessimistic, dispassionate, government bureaucrat shows little to no concern regarding the events unfolding around him. He claims

“even if they discover the cure for infertility, it doesn’t matter… too late… world went to shit.”

As his character develops, he becomes more and more concerned and hopeful. Towards the end of the film, his actions display hope as seen through him breaking into a refugee camp with Kee in order to board the “Tomorrow”. I found this example to be highly paradoxical, in that his hope causes him to be in an atmosphere full of pessimism and despair. This piece suggests that perhaps there is a greater, more profound significance to it. I personally interpreted the piece as a message, in that hope will always lead you to positivity in life, you just have to find and hold on to it. If you let go, life will be filled with despair and pessimism. Had Theo, for whatever reason, lost hope at Bexhill, he would’ve failed to reach “Tomorrow” and furthermore deny humanity’s chance of curing infertility, thus causing everyone around the world to live in despair. Instead, his character fully changes from being hopeless to having hope and faith for events to come, so much so that he willingly puts himself in an environment filled with despair and misery in hopes for a better future. In the last scene of the film, there is a small flash of hope, when the “Tomorrow” appears out of the fog. This scene successfully brought out the theme of hope, in that there was hope for the future and that perhaps the scientists could help potentially find a cure to infertility. However, there is no sufficient evidence in the film to justify or prove that any of this is actually real. Maybe the ship was just a fishing boat, or maybe “The Human Project” was just a hoax in order to bring hope and faith to the people. Regardless of whether the ship can or can’t help their cause, it’s nonetheless a symbol of hope. Director Alfonso Cuarón noted that the intention of the final scene is to instill a different outlook on the outcome of events for each individual member of the audience.

“I tried to make an observation rather than to give a statement. Ideally, I want audiences to come out with their own conclusions.”

He furthermore stated in response to the cliff-hanger that, “It pretty much depends on your own sense of hope. What we wanted to do at the end was to give a little glimpse of a possibility of hope. A very small glimpse. So you invest your own sense of hope in the story. After you go through this journey of what I consider to be the state of things, outside our green zones, then at the end is the question: Do we have a possibility of hope? I personally believe yes. Hopefully, people believe that the movie is a very hopeful movie.” Those who tend to have an optimistic perspective on things and on life in general, seem to see the outcome of the cliff-hanger as successful, whereas those who have a pessimistic view on things might perceive the outcome to be negative and a complete failure. Regardless of whichever outcome you see, or whichever one occurs, the message behind the scene and its impact on the film is incredible.

I find the beauty and intricacy of the film to lie within the theme of cultural reference. The theme is effectively instilled through the use of art in the film. Art effectively portrays not only the cultural references but in that, the themes of religion and historical references. The film then connects these themes to the theme of modern reference (reality). However, in a movie with so much going on, it is very difficult for people to notice and thoroughly analyze all the minor details of art, which is why I found the theme and its interconnections to other themes to be extremely impressive. I personally think the intricacy of the themes and the profundity beyond them is absolutely brilliant and pure genius on behalf of the director.

In order for the small details of art to be captured, very specific narrative elements were used. In most cases, art is usually displayed through shot composition, as well as through medium and long shots. In the scene where Kee reveals her pregnancy through a medium-shot, she stands in a posture that accurately resembles Botticelli’s The Birth of Venus”. The painting incorporates the idea of maternity, perhaps hinting or foreshadowing the commencement of the end of infertility.

This is just one of the many hints and clues made towards maternity in the film. Later on in the film, after Jasper finds out about the pregnancy, both he and Miriam say “Shantih Shantih Shantih”. This statement quotes and recites Author T.S Eliot’s “The Wasteland”, as well as the Upanishads. These two historical and cultural references provide a great source of hope and motivation to a world filled with chaos and misery. Furthermore, as Theo visits his cousin in the Arch of Arts, the two hold a discussion, while in the background there appears to be a pig floating in the sky, right beside what also appears to be the Battersea power station. While watching the movie I noticed the pig in the sky and thought it was relatively odd. However, the thought dwelled on me that there must’ve been some cultural reference or general significance as to why the very specific scenery of a pig was floating in the sky. After research, I realized the scenery (effectively captured by the narrative element, “focal distance and definition”) is of cultural reference to Pink Floyd’s 1977 album “Animals”.

What’s interesting about this particular cultural reference is that the album revolves around George Orwell's “Animal Farm”, an allegorical novella based off of the events prior to and after the Russian Revolution in 1917. The book primarily explores Stalinism, which is significant to the film seen as how Stalinism and its era correlates to the totalitarian government of England and accurately resembles the dystopian setting and time era of the film. This piece of cultural reference also connects to the theme of historical reference, seen as how Stalinism is an ideology that originated almost a century ago and is more or less present in the film’s futuristic time era.

In addition to the album, Michelangelo’s “David” and Pablo Picasso’s “Guernica” are also present in the Arch of Arts scene, which add further depth to the theme of cultural reference.

Lastly, during the uprising at Bexhill, a very specific narrative element was used in order to capture and bring out a certain piece. A single-shot sequence was used to reveal a mother cradling her dead son. This sequence accurately resembles Michelangelo’s “La Pieta”, the sculpture showing Mary cradling Jesus’s crucified body. This resemblance effectively showcases the misery and tragedy of the scene’s atmosphere but more importantly contributes to the overall mood and atmosphere of the film (the mood and atmosphere being grey and genuinely miserable). The sequence furthermore connects to the theme of modern reference. The sculpture and shot also resemble an image of a mother cradling her dead son in the Balkan War.

The film touched on the theme of religion in a way that connects it to several of the aforementioned themes in the film (the same way all other themes connect to one another). The incorporation of religion as a theme in the film provides additional depth and quality to it. Religion, much like artwork, is sometimes hidden in the minor details of things, almost like an Easter egg in comic books or video games. The terrorist organization known as “The Fishes” use a logo that is exactly the same as the ancient Greek word “ichthys” (meaning fish). It just so happens that Christians in the first century made an acrostic of the word, “Iesous Christos Theou Yios Soter”. The acrostic depicts Jesus Christ as a saviour. This acrostic connects to the organization in that the organization is viewed by immigrants as their saviour. As a result, this religious piece provides a unique sociological perspective on Bad vs. Good and Evil vs. Good. It successfully proposes questions to the audience that are essential in the development and enhancement of individual morality. “What is bad and what is good? Is the organization evil or well-intentioned?”

Morality is definitely a prominent issue in the film with regards to the English government and their anti-immigration stance. While some viewers believe the government is morally obligated to welcome the refugees, and others argue that welcoming the refugees will result in the deterioration of England, both sides completely miss the point. The significance of the morality in regards to the English government is in its connection between religion and the theme of modern referencing. Morality in whether or not refugees should be allowed into the country accurately references the modern day struggle Muslims, especially Syrians, have in immigrating to European countries. This was a very clever and witty way of instilling the idea of the controversial refugee crisis into the Easter-egg of a film.

Other examples of religious themes in the film include the resemblance between Kee and Theo and Joseph and Mary.

Moreover, Cuarón stated that the title of the film’s book (bearing the same name) comes from Psalm 90:3 of the Bible.

“Thou turnest man to destruction; and sayest , Return , ye children of men.”

The biggest historical reference portrayed throughout the film is without a doubt the film’s reference to the refugee camps and their resemblance to the concentration camps in Nazi Germany. When Kee and Theo arrive at the refugee camp, they have all of their personal belongs taken from them and thrown into large piles that resemble the large piles of articles belonging to the Jewish people during their entry to the concentration camps. The physical appearances of the camps are also incredibly similar, such as the gates and signs.

This resemblance effectively provides the audience with the powerful emotion, mood and general atmosphere of the scene in the film. The scene allows the audience to realize and comprehend the severity of events that are going on in the film.

The magnificence in the film is without a doubt the multitude of different themes, and how they’re all interconnected with one another. In order to achieve such excellence, several narrative elements were incorporated in the pieces that relates to the themes. Standard narrative examples included focal distance and definition (used for the pig in the sky), size of shot (primarily medium and close), real colours (such as grey and blue to depict the miserable, dystopian mood and atmosphere) weather (for mood and atmosphere) and the list goes on. However, there was one distinguishable narrative element that contributed to the overall success of the film’s themes. The single-shot sequence is a type of camera movement that doesn’t incorporate any cuts or different shots. It’s one, giant, long take that intensifies the action and adrenaline in scenes and adds a realistic texture to it (a perfect example being the car chase scene). However, the sequence provides the scenes with deeper significance. Throughout the film, the sequence tends to roam off of the focal point of the scene and focuses on things that appear to be irrelevant to what is actually going on. This action is what provides the film with its Easter-eggs and hidden mementos that contribute to the themes of the film and their connection with one another. An example being when the sequence focuses on the mother cradling her dead son during the uprising in the refugee camp.

The single-shot sequence, along with real colours and weather effectively portray the mood and atmosphere of the film. Although the themes and events of the film establish a general foundation of a dystopian setting, these narrative elements furthermore enhance the mood and atmosphere of the film with great effectiveness. The grey, miserable weather that seems to be constant throughout the film excellently instills the atmosphere and mood of the film to be tragic and miserable. Furthermore, real colours such as grey and blue are used to depict the refugee camp Kee and Theo are staying at. The colours of the walls and surroundings of the refugee camp are effective in portraying the miserable mood and atmosphere of the film. The single-shot sequence in one scene focuses on a sobbing mother, and as a result, depicts the aforesaid qualities of the mood and atmosphere. The narrative elements genuinely do a great job in bringing out this type of general environment, which I found really compliments the dystopian setting of the movie. The cinematographer, Emmanuel Lubezki, did an absolutely fantastic job with the elements and camera work. I feel a great deal of the film’s success is a result of Lubezki’s talent. Without his creative setting and narrative elements the film wouldn’t have been as successful in showcasing its beauty, intricacy and genuine perfection.

“Children of Men” is beyond what it appears to be on the surface. Using innovative narrative elements to explore the intricacy in the multitude of different interconnected themes, and enhance the overall mood and atmosphere of the film, which compliments its dystopian setting, “Children of Men” deserves a rating of 5/5 stars. As a result of its given qualities, along with my appreciation for the film, I’d highly recommend this movie to everyone, regardless of their preference and opinion on the film’s genre.