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justimagineitblog · 4 years

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“You Used To Love Me” Michael Gray Fan Fiction - Chapter 7

A/N: Here is Chapter 7! Thank you so much for your prompts! If yours wasn’t used in here, sit tight because it will probably come into play in the next chapters x I hope you guys enjoy the little flashback toooo......

This one is extra long to make up for my absence, I’ve had some family troubles going on which is always 10x worse because we’re confined in quarantine together and I know many many people are struggling with being around and stuck with toxic family members too...

I hope this gives you some escape during this time, it certainly did for me xx

I’ve been sitting here mulling over this paper work for so long the words are starting to blend together. But I refuse to stop working. It’s my only distraction from thinking about what happened at the meeting yesterday. God knows what kind of consequences Michael received for putting Gina in her place.

My heart lurches as the door to the office opens, but it settles again once I see that it’s only Polly coming in, cursing as she wrestles with her coat.

“Fuck it’s cold out there” he hisses as she looks over and realises I’m here way earlier than I need to be “You’re here early”

“Couldn’t sleep” I sigh “Figured I’d give myself some extra time to get back into the swing of things, in case I’ve forgotten”

“You haven’t forgotten, you’re too good at it” she winks, reassuring me.

I want to talk. I want to talk about anything and everything with her. But all I can seem to want to bring up is Michael and what happened yesterday.

Reading the look on my face, she gives me a sad smile.

“I called him last night. Apparently Gina seemed to be surprisingly reasonable when he got home” She pauses, before continuing with a smirk “Maybe some things you said put her into place”

Trying not to make it incredibly obvious, I exhale slightly in relief. I didn’t even realise I had been holding my breath.

“Is he coming in today?”

“Yes, he is, work as usual”

God. I can’t tell if that makes me happy or makes me want to crawl into a hole. It still feels weird to me, the prospect of being around him but as virtual strangers. Not as lovers. And then there’s the fact that Gina has suddenly had a change of heart and is letting Michael work with me. Is that all just manipulation? Is this just part of her game?

“And Gina is letting him?” I blurt out “Are you sure she didn’t fall and hit her head on the way home?”

Polly scoffs, “I think she already hit her head a long time ago… But, I also think she realised you were right about this benefiting her. That’s if she’s as smart as she is bitchy”

Polly chuckles and I can’t contain my own laugh as she sits down across from me at our work desks.

No matter what Gina is doing, whatever game she is playing by acting okay with all of this, I still flashback to the day Michael asked me to stay away from him and Gina.

“Whatever she is thinking, I still think it’s only best if I try and keep out of their way as much as possible-“

Polly sighs. I know she’s frustrated. I know she wants Michael to be served giant reality check and shake him out of whatever trance he’s in. And I want to do that to. I want to hold him, I want to bring him back. But my mind is constantly in battle about whether he can be brought back or not.

You see, I was sure that he loved me. And then I had that ripped away from me. Since then, nothing feels certain to me. Everything feels like its an unknown. Like I’m just waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under my feet without warning. So how could I ever be sure of anything Michael does from now on?

“You know it’s about time you start putting yourself first” Polly raises her brows at me.

I hum in reply as I stand up from my desk to make a much needed cup of coffee. Putting myself first isn’t my strong suit, and I really do not wanting to get into that conversation at this hour in the morning.

This time when the office doors swing open again they bring with them not only a cold breeze, but Tommy, Arthur and Michael.

I’m greeted with them shivering and grumbling ‘good-morning’ as they try and shake the cold. I’m dying to look at Michael, to read his face, to see what stories his eyes have to tell today. But I don’t. I keep my head down, continuing to make my coffee.

“One of those for me?” Tommy asks playfully, smiling as he comes up next to me. When I look over at him, he gives me a little nudge and a reassuring smile. He knows how hard this is for me to be here, around Michael. This is his way of letting me know he’s got my back today.

“I’m making coffee, does everyone want one?” I call out to the chattering Shelby family behind me, who are all taking seats around the table for our morning meeting.

“Only if it’s an Irish one” Arthur replies with a laugh, earning a disapproving slap on the arm from Polly.

I smile to myself as I make our coffees. I still remember the way they all like it. Without even having to think about it. How many sugars they take. Who likes a lot of milk and who doesn’t. And I missed this. Making coffee for the Shelby’s on a cold winters morning, getting us ready for the day ahead. Like our little ritual.

As I carry the hot drinks over to them, handing them into their cold hands, this is the first time I take a look at Michael. We make some fleeting eye contact as I hand him his drink last, before sitting down at the only seat left. The one directly across from him. Goddamn it. I swear that Tommy, Polly and Arthur would have planned this.

Tommy launches into todays plans straight away. But it doesn’t take long for his talking to fall into the background as my attention goes to Michael. Moments ago he was listening to Tommy intently, but now, he’s staring at the mug in front of him like he’s seen a ghost.

Making Michael coffee used to be our thing. He used to hate coffee. But for some reason, he liked the way I made it for him. Lots of sugar. Not a lot of milk. Not to hot, but enough to warm you up on a cold day. My heart starts to race. His face is twisted into a half smile, half frown. Like this moment is painfully bittersweet. God knows its such a trivial thing. But it was our thing. Every morning we would kiss in the kitchen, and I’d hand him a warm mug as we woke up together. This would have been the first time in over 6 months that we have shared that moment again. And of course, these are the circumstances its under.

He fiddles with the mug, running his hands over it before shaking his head. I wonder what he is thinking, what he might be remembering, as he stares into the coffee like his mind is elsewhere…

FLASHBACK

Michaels bare feet pattering down the hallway behind me is followed by a steady pair of hands that wrap themselves around my waist.

He pulls me back against his chest and I let myself sink into him, my head falling back to rest against his shoulder.

“Good morning” he mumbles, pressing soft kisses along my neck and jawline. His strong arms tighten around my waist, enveloping me in warmth.

“Hi” I coo in return, turning in his arms to face him.

I smile immediately at the sight of him. I always do. His eyes are tired, puffy, his hair pushed all out of place.

He closes his eyes in content as I run a hand through his hair. Biting down on his bottom lip, he pulls at my waist to get me closer to him. Our bodies are pressed up against one another, my arms draped over his shoulders and around his neck. There’s no way I could get closer to him than this, but still, he always tries. And I don’t mind. At all. I think we would be constantly joined at the hip if we could.

“Have I told you how much I love you?” He whispers jokingly. I couldn’t even count up all the ways Michael tells me and shows me his love. It’s every day. It’s in both grand gestures and in little moments. Like flowers for no reason. Kissing me in front of his friends and family. Always holding my hand when we’re out, and giving it a little squeeze when he knows I’m anxious. The way he looks at me from across the room, and already knows what I’m thinking.

“No, I don’t think you have mentioned it before…” I furrow my brows, pretending to think.

“You’re right” he nods “There aren’t enough words in the English dictionary for that”

My heart flutters, skipping all kinds of beats. We’ve been together for four years now. But no one. No. One. Has the effect on me that Michael does to this day.

“ ‘I love you’ will just have to do then” I chuckle

“Well in that case, I fucking love you”

Every time he says it, it’s like the first time. With an intense passion. It never gets old. He never uses it flippantly. It never loses it’s meaning. He still looks at me with those eyes, with awe and love. And god knows I still look at him like that. From the moment I met Michael I looked at him like he hung the stars and the sun in the sky himself. I adore this man. Being those close to him, I can see all the little freckles scattered across his nose. I could spend the rest of my life counting the. His eyelashes are fluttering and behind them are his eyes. The colour of the Tenerife sea. I can see the little creases and lines, from laughing and smiling. I hope I put some of them there.

He watches me back, admiring me just as intently as I am admiring him.

“You’re so beautiful” he breathes, barely even in a whisper. Like it was a thought that slipped out, that he didn’t even mean to say out loud.

He presses his lips to mine, kissing me sweetly. It’s tender, but without enough passion to make me want to take him straight back into that bedroom down the hall.

When he pulls away, his eyes stay closed for a moment, his forehead resting on mine. Savouring the moment. I wish I could live in this moment right here with him forever. In fact, I’m not quite sure what I would do with myself without these moments. Without Michael.

“Coffee?” I ask, as the kettle finally boils in the background.

“Mmm,” he hums nodding “Please”

He lets me go from his grip, and hops up on the kitchen counter. He sits on the edge, watching me endearingly as I make his coffee just the way he likes it.

“3 sugars, warm but not to hot, just a dash of milk for one Michael Gray” I smile proudly as I stand between his legs, handing him his drink.

These are my favourite days. If I could freeze frame this I would. But I know I don’t have to. Michael is my forever. And I want to spend the rest of my forever waking up like this.

He chuckles, smiling down at me gratefully as we drink our coffee together.

FLASHBACK ENDS

Suddenly Tommy’s voice gets louder as I come back to reality, realising I’ve just been lost in a memory. I look around the table nervously, relieved to find that no one noticed. Oh god how long was I distracted for.

“And finally, Isabelle… You’re willingly accepting and returning to the role of Head of Acquisitions?” Tommy asks me, a smile on his face. He already knows the answer. Tommy and I were quite the pair back before I left the company. Little partners in crime. He always trusted me, from the get go. And I’ve missed my job. Michael aside, I think I would always found myself working for the Shelby’s.

“Yes sir” I nod back, and Arthur cheers excitedly, clapping his hands.

“You still remember what to do?” Tommy teases

“I might have to fix up the damage you did while I was gone but I’m sure I can handle it” I tease back, earning a laugh from Polly. She always loved having another female working around the company to even things out.

In the corner of my eye I can see a fleeting smile on Michael’s face, before he clenches his jaw and it disappears. Like he’s trying not to reminisce on how much this feels like old times.

“Right, that’s all then?” Polly asks Tommy, and he nods.

“That’s it, everyone clear?”

I’ve got my work already cut out for me today. Now that I’m back in the Shelby company as Head of Acquisitions, I’ve got a lot of liaising the catch up on. A lot of companies that invest in us, that we protect in return who I need to check in on and make sure all ends of our deals are being held up. This is my forte.

And luckily, it’s going to keep me busy and distant from Michael. What I said to Polly earlier still stands. I still need to keep my distance from him. I have to. I can’t expect that he is ever going to snap out of whatever he is caught up in and come back to me. Cause god knows I cannot tell what this man is thinking or where his head is at anymore. I will only break my own heart even more if I wait for something that might never happen.

We all leave the meeting table and I gather my paper work from my desk before heading out for the day. And it’s a long day. But luckily for me, our clients and business partners were mostly excited to see me back in the business. And because of this, they were willing to comply with almost anything. See Arthur had temporarily taken over my role while I was out of the company, and he has a much more… unconventional way of liaising with clients.

It’s dark, almost 6pm by the time I begin to head back to the Shelby limited office, to finish up my paper work from this morning before going home. Adamant that no one is going to be in the office, I let myself in and finally relax from today. I even do something I used to do all the time when I was alone in here, which is flick the radio on and hum along.

Completely content with myself, I float around the desks organising my files and folders, signing of on legal forms and feeling some kind of familiarity and normality in my life again. Maybe I don’t have Michael. Maybe when I leave here tonight, I’m going home alone instead of home to him. But at least I have this. This job. Something to cling on to, something familiar from before my life was turned upside down.

As I flitter past the radio I turn it up louder, swaying to myself. But I’m snapped out of my temporary bliss when I hear a door open and shoes walking across the floorboards.

I spin around, completely startled to find Michael standing, staring back at me just as shocked.

“Fuck” I hiss, placing a hand over my chest as I try to steady my heart rate “I didn’t realise you were here” I stutter over my words.

He shakes his head quickly, his eyes darting to the ground then back up at me nervously.

“No I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you” he quickly replies “I didn’t even hear you come in until I heard the music”

My attention quickly turns to the radio, which is playing obnoxiously in the background. I reach to turn it off, but he stops me before I can.

“Wait, it’s fine, I like it on” he rubs his neck, as the tension and awkwardness just grows stronger.

I nod in reply “I was just finishing up some paper work, I’ll just finish it up a home” I side step away from him, heading over to my desk.

“No, no don’t, I’m going back to my office I was just checking to see who was here ” He insists, and I watch him wearily.

Weeks ago he was staring at me stone cold, heartless, asking me to stay away. Now he’s apologising for accidentally frightening me and insisting that I can finish my work here.

We stand there like fools, both not knowing what to say to each other.

Say something Michael. My mind is begging. Just say what you’re thinking.

But of course, he doesn’t speak. He just stares at me, like he’s not sure where to look or when to speak. Or maybe he’s scared of what might come out of his mouth if he lets himself speak. What he might confess. Reveal.

I begin to play with my hands nervously. How long is he going to fucking stand here for?

My question is answered when he buries his hands in his pockets and gives me a nod, before turning and heading back to his office.

I’m still glued to my spot until he closes the door behind him and he is out of my sight.

So much for a relaxing night alone, finishing off paper work.

I’m only in the office for another 30 minutes maximum, as I rush around trying to get this work over and done with. I went from wanting to hang out here all night, alone and working with the radio going to desperately hurrying to get out of here like my life depends on it.

I’ve probably filed the remainder of the papers wrong, and will have to deal with that tomorrow. But that seems like a pretty good option compared to being stuck alone in here with Michael.

Finally signing of the last document, I lock up all the windows and check the doors are locked too. I wrestle my coat on and clutch at my keys nervously, making my way to Michael’s office.

Just tell him you’re leaving and then go.

“Uh, I’m gonna head home. I locked up all the ” I begin, as I step into the door way of his office, clutching at my keys and bag nervously. As my eyes fall over him, I find him sitting at his desk, his head hanging in his hands.

When he hears my voice his head shooting in my direction, as I startle him. He quickly tries to compose himself, clearing his throat and running a hand through his hair.

“Uh yeah okay thanks” He breathes, his face distorted in embarrassment.

He looks exhausted. His eyes blood shot and tired. Like some weight has been on his shoulders and its getting harder and harder to carry.

I realise I’m just standing there staring at him. That’s something that Michael and I seem to be finding ourselves doing a lot recently, because we can’t find the words to say to one another (or maybe we know exactly what we want to say and can’t bring ourselves to say it ). I quickly turn on my heels, wanting nothing more than to run out of there.

I’m almost at the door when I hear him suddenly call out my name.

“Izzy!” He calls, and I halt in my tracks immediately at the sound of my name. At the sound of him saying my name.

“Just wait a second, will you come here?” he asks out breath from the other side of the room.

I pause at the door for a moment, gathering my composure before I turns around and face him. I take a few steps closer to him and he does the same.

I don’t speak, I just wait, holding my breath in anticipation for the words that follow.

“You don’t need to avoid me like this” he breathes, his chest rising and falling heavily, and I can tell his heart is pounding.

I don’t need to avoid him like this. Are you kidding me?

He returns from America after not hearing from him in 6 months, with a wife. He demands me to keep my distance. To quit the job at the pub. To leave the company. For his sake and for his wives sake. And now he wants to stand there and tell me I don’t have to avoid him?

With all the rage and disbelief bubbling in me, I expect myself to launch into a screaming match, yelling at him about how dare he tell me I don’t have to avoid him.

But suddenly, all I can do laughs in complete and utter disbelief. My arms raise and fall back down by her sides in exasperation.

“What do you want Michael?” I beg, shaking my head at him “You told me to stay away… so thats what I’m doing. You came back from America with a new fucking wife. Am I supposed to act like everything is fine? You wanted this Michael! You told me to keep my distance. This what you wanted!”

Now my chest is rising just as heavily as his. I shake my head at him. I cannot believe this man who I used to know inside and out, is now the single most confusing thing to me on this earth.

He looks down, turning his back to me as he puts his coat on and picks up his hat.

I glare at him in anger, thinking that he’s just about to say nothing yet again. But when he turns back to face me, my stomach drops. As our eyes meet, I discover that there are tears welling up in them.

And then, a tear spills over, rolling down his cheek.

“You’re right. I wanted this” He breathes, sounding completely unconvinced, his voice quiet and shaky.

And just like that, he turns and leaves the room, exiting the building through the back alley door. As I stand in the lurch, left in the wake of the tsunami of emotions between Michael and I, one word rattles around in my head.

‘Wanted’

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littlelilybigworld · 7 years

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Beyond Words: Studying Abroad in a Place That Should Be Called Home

Before I left, I mentioned that the other American students and I would only be in Harbin for a little while longer before we left for Shanghai, and eventually the USA. For the next two days, Auntie and Uncle gave me breakfast for free, and on the day I left they gave me fresh dumplings and two hard boiled eggs to take with me to the airport. I’m still in contact with them; they ask me about America and when I’m going to come back to China…Original post here.

I was so excited to go back to where I was born. Maybe nervous was a better word, as I was adopted and brought over to the United States when I was 7 months old. Studying in China was going to be a new experience, filled with feelings of being welcomed into the Chinese culture that I had longed to be a part of for the past 19 years!

However, when I arrived in China for my 10 week summer semester, I felt far from welcomed or accepted in the way I expected. I watched Caucasian American and African American students get doted on by our ‘Chinese partners’, who were students we were paired up with at our Chinese university. In public, the locals asked me to take the photos of them with my fellow American students, and wanted to ask REAL American students about life in America!

I felt completely out of the loop, until I realized that this actually was acceptance. I was treated as though I was truly Chinese: no one gave me a second glance, storekeepers wouldn’t look up when I walked in, and people would come up to the street and ask me for directions as if I lived there. That was the first relief; but then I encountered a bigger issue: communication.

I was at the highest Mandarin level of all of the American students because I had been fortunate enough to go to a high school that offered a strong Chinese language program. However, one hour of class, Monday through Friday, can only teach you so much…

Being Asian, many storekeepers and security guards would speak Chinese to me, and then expect me to translate to my American counterparts. At first, it was terrifying. I would be mortified every time I would have to reply in Chinese with “I don’t know” or “I’m sorry, I’m adopted — I’m American.” But I quickly realized that this is why I opted for study abroad in the first place; I wanted to learn the language that was ripped away from me as an infant. In class, I talked a lot because that’s what MSU-James Madison-Social Justice kids do.

It was when other international students invited me out to eat that I would begin to lose confidence.

The first day I entered Chinese language class I met fifteen international students from all over the world (from Spain to Mongolia). I managed to do fine in class, and was thrilled when the international students invited me out to eat with them afterwards. I soon understood that Chinese was the common language used for social interaction on campus. I could recite dialogues out of the textbooks like a pro, but when it came to talking about “What’s life like in America?”, “Does everyone eat fried Snickers?”, or “Tell us about yourself!” I got tongue-tied and stuttered. It was easy for the teachers to understand us — they were used to a variety of international accents. International students were not used to each other’s accents.

The other students had no idea what I was saying, and I was trying my hardest to get my points across in a language I was barely competent in. On the flip side, other international students would speak Chinese with a Korean or Spanish accent; it would take me about thirty seconds to figure out what they had just said in Chinese, and then another thirty to translate it into English.

As my study abroad trip went on, I slowly realized an extremely important culture point: English is actually known worldwide. At my school, teachers taught us it was “普通语” (Pǔtōng yǔ), or the “standard language [of the world]”. I’m a huge proponent of “understand your privilege!” but not once did I ever think that language could be a privilege.

One day, a 6’3” Korean kid named Hemu who intimidated me mightily, walked up and said “Hello, how are you?” in English. Speaking English was banned in the classroom, and I was so startled that I forgot to be nervous and replied, “I’m alright, and why are YOU speaking English?”

One of his friends explained that Hemu was going to move to Canada soon and he wanted to practice his English. Hemu asked me to dinner and said he’d pay; how could I turn down free food and a conversation in a comfortable language?

It turns out that using Chinese to teach English is actually quite difficult. The dinner was great, but consisted mostly of us using Pleco (a widely known Chinese-English dictionary app) and his Korean-Chinese-English dictionary app to learn new words and explain articles of speech (which don’t exist in Chinese). Hemu turned out to be one of the most enthusiastic people I have ever met, as well as caring and funny. As we walked back to my dorm, he asked if I could translate his Korean name into English and I told him sure. I looked down at my screen for a second before smiling: “Harmony. Your name means ‘Harmony’.” I explained that it was considered a feminine name, but I still thought it was a great name for him. Harmony is in Canada now, and we’re still in touch. Sometimes he asks me to help him with his English homework.

Students weren’t the only people I had to speak to in the language I was actually studying. At the cafeteria, all of the workers spoke only Chinese. On the first morning of classes there were only two food stations open at the cafeteria. One looked like you had to tell the man what ingredients you wanted in the breakfast burrito, the other had fresh egg pies sitting out. That meant that we would be able to get served by gesturing, so day one started out great by pointing at what my friends and I thought looked decent. A middle-aged couple was working the station, and they smiled and tried to speak to us; we replied with nods and smiles, and with not a clue to what they were saying.

I went back for breakfast every day after that. Sometimes I went with others, but mostly by myself. I’m an early bird, and the rest of the American students weren’t willing to get up any time before 7:50 AM for our 8:00 AM classes. I was in Harbin for eight weeks, and for seven of those weeks, my only communication with 阿姨 (auntie) and 叔叔 (uncle) were “Two, please” and “Thank you.”

Three days before I left, I wrote them a note.

It was so much easier (and less scary) to write in Chinese and check for mistakes than to speak and be caught off guard when they tried to ask me questions. I wrote a thank you letter, saying that I know I didn’t say much, but I appreciated them a lot and considered them my first friends at my Chinese university. I gave it to them the next morning before leaving for class. When I checked my phone during break, I found that Uncle from the breakfast place had added me on WeChat (a combination of texting and Facebook that is widely used in China). He texted me to come get dinner later, so I did.

Miscommunication struck me down again!

I bought dinner because I thought he said to come visit for dinner, but I later realized that the text had said we’ll make you dinner. And they did. They put the special breakfast mix that was usually in the egg pies (scrambled eggs, leeks, and bok choy) into dumplings, and gave them to me for free. I decided that if they could take the time to make me a special dinner, I could take the time to ask them about their lives, despite the fact I was pretty sure they couldn’t understand me. However, we talked for awhile and I found out how they worked from 6:00 AM to 8:00 PM every single day, and all about their two children who were now adults. I found out how much they loved to cook and how much they loved watching college students grow up and graduate. I found out that they weren’t so different from the adults in my life.

The language barrier is huge on study abroad trips. It’s scary to speak to a native speaker. Trying to pay for things at the grocery store in China gave me a new perspective on what it must be like for non-native English speakers when they try to navigate America.

Being surrounded by a language that you are not confident in is absolutely terrifying, but if you push yourself through the language barrier, you’ll find that we’re all human. People understand emotion, they understand smiles — and embarrassed laughs. Communication and empathy bypass language and culture and personal histories, because we’re all just trying to fit into a community that is bigger than ourselves.

#littlelilybigworld #long post #like really long #l m a o #adoptee #adopted #china #study abroad #personal story #language #chinese adoptee #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #blog #blogger #blog post

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