#so i should be kinder to myself

[steffigraf]

sorry i truly do nothing but ramble abt how much i love my fics and like honestly that’s probably why i came clean as a writer skjdkdjdks

#like YKNOW WHAT sometimes i criticize my own writing #but then i think hey i made a piece of creative work and shared it with the world and other people appreciated it too #so i should be kinder to myself #tennisms

[icanblognow]

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#icanblognow #so the shut off valve for our toilet is leaking #and i hate hate hate who i turn into when something breaks unexpectedly at the place i'm living #i immediately regress to a teenager and lose All confidence in myself #it doesn't help that i basically didn't sleep yesterday #and now today i'm babysitting the leak because my roommate has important meetings this morning #and the only thing we found short enough and disposable enough to fit underneath was tupperware #so i gotta make sure it doesn't go everywhere #and its not that i'm completely incompetent #idk i'm just not great in a crisis #and yes its technically my roommate's house #but i feel terrible that i can't help more #i know what to do #i need to boost both my self confidence and my knowledge #but those are hard and i am. so tired today #got what like 3 hours sleep in the last 36? #so i should be kinder to myself #still....ugh

[time-is-restored]

btw this might be me swinging a bat at a hornets nest but like. absolutely none of my disappointment from the tl finale comes from ship baiting or any relationships that didn’t happen (though to be clear, i think the tedbecca fake outs were meanspirited and served no narrative purpose - in noted contrast to the season's earlier jamiekeeley fakeouts, for example, which were explicitly there to demonstrate jamie's growth + maturity)

tedpendant is a really fun concept for me, and i LOVE the characterisation + thematic potential there!

but as someone who personally resonated with a lot of ted’s struggles, the idea that ted could leave richmond so… seamlessly, for lack of a better word, really doesn’t sit right with me. the thesis of the shows entire first season - assuming it can be said to have only one - was about how everyone needs the love and support of a community, whether that comes in the flavour of someone who hypes u tf up or someone who will relentlessly call u on ur shit (or, as happened quite frequently, both!).

rebecca, roy, jamie are the clearest examples as the characters with the most screentime: they were all deeply isolated and disconnected from the people around them, and that was making them miserable. the connections they made with the team, the vulnerability they finally allowed themselves to express (the ghost banishing ceremony comes to mind!), and them going on to want *more* out of their life are what made their arcs about *progression* rather than *regression*. without that clear theme of compassion + community inspiring positive growth in everyone who encounters it, there is, frankly, no season one.

my personal favourite scene from season one comes right after michelle walks away from ted, when they’ve agreed to get divorced. ted sits down on the bench looking gutted, and a little shell shocked - and beard sits down with him. hands him the drink, and they sit there together. silent, but together. to me, that scene is an implicit promise from the episode, to the audience: ‘it’ll be okay. it’s going to be hard, but ted isn’t alone, and his friends won’t leave him behind.’

it also makes it clear to the audience that ted isn’t the saintly-giver-of-grace who needs nothing in return, as one might assume on first brush, but rather that he’s Also struggling with his own shit (as is everyone, always, in real life!) and he has something he needs from the people around him too.

and looking at the text of s3, and the conclusion to his arc in the finale, i just don’t believe that he got it. he wasn’t just sad that he was leaving (which would be understandable!), he was completely closed off. unresponsive to the people around him reaching out, borderline confused as to why they were trying so hard!

(side note, while i completely respect the read of ted and trents last interaction being rather rude + ooc on ted’s part, i personally read a different motive into it. for me, it was more like… he didn’t understand where trents enthusiasm was coming from? like, he read that as trent being too invested in what other people think of him, and responded in a way that he hoped would emphasise that ted doesn’t *need* to laugh at everything trent wrote, bc trent Already Knows that he’s done something really cool and kickass, and he shouldn’t value anyone else’s reactions above that. basically, based on his demeanour in the episode, i genuinely don’t think it would’ve even occurred to him that trent was more invested in HIS reaction than he would’ve been with anyone else.)

again, looking purely at the text, the show had already established that ted has really strong depressive + avoidant tendencies, as well as panic attacks (largely triggered by his fear of not being ‘good enough’ in various roles, ie: a father). we saw one area he was able to calm HIMSELF abt these fears (worry for henry, which is a Hell of a choice considering the ending…), but in literally every other heightened moment, he had to rely on his support system to help him make the choices that he WANTED to make, rather than ones inspired by avoidance and fear (ie: confronting michelle abt jake, talking to his mum abt why she was visiting + his dads death).

and to be clear, this is a GOOD THING! we’re not supposed to go through life alone, no matter how bad OR well we’re doing. rebecca and keeleys friendship isn’t worth less for all the scenes where they’re both in good places. if anything, the opposite is true - it’s lovely that they both have someone who want to celebrate the achievements in their life!

and fuck it, we’re sure as hell not supposed to go through life with exactly one (1) person whom we expect to fulfill ALL of our emotional needs at all times either! like, im sure i don’t need to labour my point here, but tying everything to one (1) person in ur life doesn’t make u any less isolated than if u were going it completely alone, whether it’s a family member, a friend, or a partner. i won’t pretend to know the first thing abt what it’s like to be a parent, but i don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that no parent would be at their best if they had absolutely no support/camaraderie/general love provided to them from Anyone other than their child.

so when ted is SPECIFICALLY shown to be in a bad place, over and over again (did he come to terms w his fear to be close to henry overnight???????), and then removed from his community? of COURSE the audience is left feeling unsettled, and like the rug has been pulled out from under them. there was no time in this finale dedicated to how ted would still be in contact with anyone from richmond. no promises of visits, or phone calls - fuck, nothing about emails!! according to the text, we might as well assume this is a clean break (and the maybe-dream-sequence does Fuck All to assure us otherwise. if ted doesn’t go to beards wedding, what WOULD he go to????). and since the show has ALSO completely failed to give us even an IMPLICATION of who/what ted’s support system would be in kansas, there’s… a reasonable argument to be made that this is It for ted. that, after two seasons doing NOTHING but attesting otherwise, the audience is supposed to suddenly believe that ted can (and SHOULD!) pull himself up by his bootstraps, and cope entirely on his own.

that, to me, is a betrayal of the show’s premise. we were promised a show about how, no matter how dark things may get, none of the characters would be left to struggle alone. and then they ended the show with ted alone.

i don’t know. i guess if i had to give this post a tldr; if anyone has any gen fic/meta/Literally Anything in the pipeline, i would absolutely love to be tagged/directed towards it. i’ll be endeavouring to write something myself, as well, but it might take a while before i can return to my WIP, lol.

#this is the most measured version of this post i was capable of fghjskdjhgfdgjhsfd #the least measured one is just the aromantic flag with the ‘we are going to beat u to death’ meme overlaid #look ik this is hardly impartial wrt very small + insular communities like nuclear families #but its fucking impossible to go into media analysis and not bring Anything from ur real life in there w u #so im trying to forgive myself for being a little hashtag Vulnerable + Opinionated on main #in the spirit of what this show could’ve been lol #if not here then where etc etc #Ted lasso spoilers #Ted lasso meta #Ted lasso critical #also just to be clear here im being dead serious abt that last point #im spiritually doing the jamie run to demonstrate to u all how badly i want gen shit #please. p l e a s e . #okay wait last ramble here but. this is also why the lack of information we got on trent was so crushing to me #like ur telling me this man went through the incredibly painful + harrowing process of breaking out of his (comfortable! safe) shell + #cynical journalist persona. came out to someone VERY important in his life. and has done nothing but face the music wrt acknowleding #his past mistakes + endeavouring to be better and kinder. and we never get to know if he has ANY support through all that? at all? #is he dating? what's his family situation like? does he have full custody? any friends from work? any friends period????? #like i can should must and will die on the beard + roy + higgins + colins are trents best friends hill but #its like the premise of the show stopped mattering just in time for him to be left in a legitimately depressing limbo #like 'yes everyone needs love + support bc life is rlly hard. but we're tired of making a show abt that so This Is All Ur Getting #+ screw anyone's personal life that u didn't already see in s1. You Know Enough.' #anyway i love u all this is a very silly show and im gonna go play t.o.t.k for a few hours o/ <3

[6-2-aestheticsofhate]

the mentally ill conundrum of i dont wanna be near people so i dont freak out or hurt them but also i dont want to be alone right now

#i hate being like this and i hate the fact i dont know whats wrong with me and none of the places ive gone to have actually helped #if i seem more sensitive/snappy lately im so sorry #sigh #the part of me that knows i should take another mental health break vs the fact that i feel annoying and stupid for taking so many of them #i hate making people have to deal with me when im like this but its not like i can cut myself off from everyone. at least in real life #im even more mentally ill/snappy irl and struggle to do things like go out even for simple things like groceries #maybe i should be kinder to myself considering what ive been through but its like. fuck i really dont wanna be around people but its not an #option to avoid them entirely #personal #vent

[piplupod]

the fact that having trouble sleeping causes sleep avoidance for me is so stupid fhsdgjkl

"oh no i'm having especially vivid nightmares and waking up every hour or two and im so exhausted i can barely get thru the day without having a breakdown. hm i think the solution to this is to become afraid of and avoidant of sleep :)"

#YOU FOOL !!! YOU ABSOLUTE DILLWEED !!! #on that same note the sleep deprivation hallucinations are stupid too #''oh u havent been sleeping well? okay well lets just make u see scary things like spiders and weird dripping from surfaces etc'' #WHY WOULD THAT BE A THING THAT HAPPENS !!! its so goofy 😭😭 #the brain truly does work against me in many creative ways. i cannot help but be awed by how determined it seems to make things worse #perhaps i should be kinder to myself and let myself take it easy during the day but. i have things i want to get done !! #both in terms of cleaning and also like. social connection stuff. unfortunately the cleaning has been taking precedence #cleaning and food are whats been the priority and everything else falls to the wayside but im so frustrated w myself for that dsjkfl #scuttling around just trying to get shit done while i dread sleep and then occasionally making silly posts #but then never interacting w anyone else properly and wanting desperately to do so. rrhghghgh #i just hope my sleep somehow fixes itself soon dsgjkl #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[darsynia]

In my head big time tonight. Struggling to write while I grapple with an untenable situation; former friend with cancer, and it wasn't a clean break. I have no idea how to navigate 'you taught your daughter to hate LGBT people after I came out as bi to you, and your kid broke off a 9 year friendship with my kid because of her support for LGBT rights. Made her choose between her mom and her best friend--and now you want me to come make your few days before surgery fun?'

I don't want to kick her when she's down, but I also don't want to trivialize how much I HATE that her kid has been vocal about 'hating' my daughter, all while that good-hearted daughter of mine keeps the secret of WHY to herself out of kindness. At a new school, where this is their first impression of her!

The things I worry about are probably ridiculous, or if true, unfixable, but vocalizing them would give validity, so I won't.

I just don't know how to be a good person here.

If I've seemed manic (a couple of friends from Discord are nodding heads), I apologize. I'm running on double speed, and it's probably exhausting.

#she doesn't even know she is still using what I consider my deadname #i want to mama bear while still choosing kindness #but somehow also not demand accountability #so instead I question everything I have said or done this week #through no fault of the many I've interacted with #I mean every kind thing or encouragement I've said #but I probably should have shut up so I had nothing to criticize myself over #'towards you I have been kinder than towards myself' I hear you Darcy

[mobolanz]

Man...

#like... my younger twin is freeing a pigeon she saved today. she knew she'll have to eventually but she got attached to it #so seeing her cry actually almost always makes me feel terrible too. #I actually hate almost everyone in that house for how they treat her than for how I'm treated myself. #like. I want to remind myself resentment does no good when it's for me #but when it comes to her and how she's being treated I can't help myself #honestly - last weekend those fuckups straight up came with a bunch of tridents (no. REALLY. ) and brooms to make her release it #saying she's 'tormenting it' #she treated it with delicacy care and on daily basis you cunts. had it been any of you it'd ne dead in 2 days. #then I overheard them talk about how they should just use bug spray on it 'it'd be a kinder mercy kill. better dead than caged.' #WHAT THE FUCK #bitch that's not peaceful. fuck off eat shit and drop ded #then they justified the trident with 'it's for laughs' #okay shitheads . sure is funny if one of us lost an eye.

[leofrith]

honor bound is just eivor and leofrith going through the absolute worst times imaginable while falling in love

#in the canon that lives in my head they are in love. to me. and it's so embarrassing for them. #honor bound my beloved long fic that i will probably never finish or even begin posting in the first place #slow writer disease my beloathed #yes i know i should be kinder to myself and it doesn't matter no i don't care (proceeds to care a lot) #ky posts text

[betweenblackberrybranches]

Flower Ask Game

Marigold <3

hi lec!!

Well i allready answered that one but you know what instead of the last dream i remember ill tell you the first dream i remember!

So i was around 3 or 4 at that time and for context i had watched a documentary on chinese grave hills (i guess they were simmilar to pyramids but made out of dirt so things like grass grows on them and they are less high)

So in the night i dreamt that i was in a chinese village/town back in time. And i was the only one who could see it but there were giants walking through the streets with big painted masks in red and blue, never looking at anyone directly and i just knew that if you touched them you got sick and would die. So i just lived in that village/town and more and more people would get sick and died and had to get burried until only i was there and after i had burried the last person i dug my own grave and climed into it to lay down. I looked up out of the grave and the giants with the masks stood all around the grave and looked into it, back at me.

That dream really freaked me out back then and i slept in my parents bed for a few days because it was too scary to sleep alone

#i ramble #a lot apparently #i just have the most fucked up dreams #i have like thousends of fucked dreams i could tell you all about #once talked to death himself and he was a chubby train conductor living in a fully furnished cave and we watched cartoons together #and then he told me that i dont actually want to die i only want to not be so stressed all the time and i should try being kinder to myself #still trying to live by that #but yea my dreams are certainly something the driving dream i had was on the extremly tame side #beloved moot💕💕 #ask #flower ask game

[july-19th-club]

i've been blocked by this person so they will likely never see this, but in cause they're still looking - i sent you a real apology, that i meant, privately, after i'd had time to make sure i was able to approach it in an adult manner, and you responded by refusing to accept that my apology could be genuine. i don't know if it was my phrasing (i will apologize, and genuinely, for mistakes that i make, or posting things that wind up being cruel or unfair, but i will not participate in the 'grovel or you aren't really remorseful' culture that exists on sites like these. i am sorry that i shared something that hurt you. if i could have had a longer conversation with you, i would. my apology was real, and that is why it was not performative). BUT. because i can now no longer message you, i've decided if i have any chance of reaching out to you i will have to do it in public. if you do wind up reading this, i realize that you likely still will not believe me, or accept my sincerity. that's the nature of online interactions, i guess - we don't really ever know each other well enough to accept good faith from one another when we're mad.

#the funny thing is. i unfollowed this former mutual some time ago because our differing positions on therapy #were becoming detrimental to my mental health #but i didnt rant in the messages first or having done so refuse to accept any attempts at reconciliation #i just quietly.........unfollowed. and i never had to worry about that specific thing that upset me again #i would be willing to delete the post i made that upset this person. IF we could have had a civil interaction about it #but we didn't. you told me that my 'remorse was not genuine' and then blocked me without giving me the opportunity to ... #i dont know. how did you want me to apologize? what would have done it right for you? because ultimately i would like to give people #what they want. i dont like upsetting people and i'm disappointed in myself for having done that #but i've seen what grovelling as a response to accusations does to people on here also. and i will defend my right to be spoken to kindly #just as i should have been kinder in the things that i shared

[its-captain-sir]

.

#i know i should be kinder to myself and accept that not everything i do is gonna be perfect or turn out exactly how i want it #but god it really feels like everything i create lately has just been getting worse and worse #i can't think of what the last time was where i was seriously and genuinely proud of something i created #like where i actually liked it instead of just only seeing the flaws #literally everything i do now be it writing or drawing or physical art or whatever. it all feels wrong #like the ideas suck or my execution is just terrible. it's just bad and i never know what to do to fix it or just make it a little better #it's so. rahhhhhhhhh it's so frustrating #i don't know what to do anymore #delete later

[frazzledazzlin]

hmmmmmm

#what if i drew a very horribly heart wrenching comic with copperright and get blocked by all of you for emotional damage #i'm debating on it because it genuinely hurts thinking about the concept in my head + its cliche so- #-i need to figure out how to make it so that every gay person gets distressed (including myself) #maybe i should be kinder to myself and instead draw more relaxing arts * #@($(&$ #i anticipate big drawings then draw like 2 panels of it and die perhaps i will store this idea for when i feel very in need of angst #i could write it but just like drawin i cannot stick to a linear set of ideas i'm always trying to be like 'oh but what if also!' #i'll give you one big hint and its gonna be either comphet or one-sided-ness GKDJFGHD #either way i'm more of an expression and less words guy in my drawings so........... if i ever draw it ... i will collapse

[mosstrades]

.

#I hate spending money I hate spending money I hate spending money I hate spending money I hate spending money #buying stuff for university with the money I'm being given by the state to finance my education. monstrous #i just wanna hoard it forever in case of emergency but nooo i have to use it for its intended purpose. fuck me #[muffled scream into hands] #i could never have a shopping addiction I'm getting palpitations at spending 130E on books I explicitly need #and tbf could i get them at the library and i DID whittle down the list and will just get some at the library #but i work unthinkably better when i can write on them #so add THAT to the guilt #vent post #economic anxiety cw #nick.txt #'nicholas are you literally complaining about having money' yes and i deserve to be killed for it. are you offering #'what practical use is for these books is it even worth the money? am i even gonna read them? we're not even getting tested on them. why #should i read these?' #girl youre literally enrolled in a philosophy major. why do you do anything. to learn. give yourself the chance to learn the way #you have access to. come on #i gotta be kinder to myself my god #anyway sorry for the tumblr tag dialectics im having such a time about this very simple purchase. it literally set me back on a month of #coursework bc ive gotten so disquieted every time i looked at my basket in the secondhand book website lmao #(through gritted teeth) ask not what men deserve #(can you believe my teacher looked me straight in the eye and listed 40 books i should read. for a single semester.)

[theradicalace]

sometimes i remember that it'll never be the same and it hurts like it just happened all over again

#ace rambles #negative// #intentionally leaving the body of the post vague in hopes the words resonate with someone but this is in fact about my father #because what isn't about my father these days #but it's okay #or maybe it isn't okay #it isn't okay but it's okay y'know? #i feel like that's starting to become a catchphrase of mine #god i feel so bad for still feeling bad though #i know i know i know there's no set timeline for this kind of thing #and that i've been through a lot and i should be kinder to myself and i'm not being fair to myself #i know #intellectually and logically i understand these things #but the wounded part of myself wants for something to blame and the easiest answer has always been me #i think the illness i'm still getting over is not helping the situation either #i just want things to go back to the way they were #it wasn't good but it was simple and it made sense and it was familiar #i am scared and stressed and desperately lonely and no matter how much i try to pretend that this can be home it isn't home #and i want to go home #and i can't #i can't go back #SORRY this is. a lot #i think i was due a breakdown though #i need a hug i think but i don't want any more from the people physically present in my life #i'd like a hug from one of you guys but you all have the audacity to be on the other side of a screen /lh

[woofety]

#a bit of fry and laurie #video #stephen fry #it was reminded to me by a lovely mutual the origin of my main blog name #not that I forgot it but I well it's been a while since I paid it any attention 😅 #this led to me rewatching this gem of a show #and THIS right here should be a #reminder #I should learn by memory to motivate myself to be kinder to me #and convince myself that I am gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffly and moist and sticky and lovely 😁 #and doing it tremolously at first and then with mounting heat and passion #not that anyone is reminding me that first so i have to take matters into my own hands 😆 #this should be the spirit 🙌 #funsies

[dogcollarpunk]

😏< resisting the urge to go buy a monster and stay up late drawing when I have a 10 am lecture & flat viewing tomorrow

#beef trimmings #Ive also been sleeping badly so I should really just be kinder to myself #I simply. am feeling a little self-destructive #and I need 2 stay up late to an unreasonable time and regret it severely #I just also super duper duper dont wanna be around people #and I will have to. even if they are my friends. #the anxiety is bad and the mental? it is ill #RIGHT I NEED TO MAKE A PHONE CALL TOMORROW TOO #december is the month of agonies I feel so bad and I have so much 2 get done in terms of. social relationships and adult responsibilites #I just wanna crawl under a rock and destroy my ear drums with some loud music #its counter productive bc I KNOW I need social interaction as well #the isolation is making the brain worse but fuck I feel #like a very thin sheet of wet paper #dont come to close bc I tear easily