#so naturally I had to make it worse

[biographydivider]

...I couldn’t not. Thank you to @somerandomdudelmao for breaking my heart.

April knew - from the second she saw him, the sound of rain lashing down on the New York sidewalk filling her ears. She just knew.

“Are you lost, little frog?” she asked, as she let go of her Mommy’s hand, taking a few steps into the alleyway - ignoring the shouts for her to come back, to be careful. She wasn’t going far, after all. She was a big girl, now - she was gonna be six on Tuesday! And someone might need her help, and Mommy always said to help people when you can.

A green face peeped out at her from inside a ginormous purple hoodie. He shook his head, and April came a little closer, tilting her head to try and get a better look.

“You’re not lost? Then where’s your family?”

“I’m not a frog. I’m a soft-shelled turtle,” her new friend replied, dragging his sleeve across his face to wipe away the tears. “The tax-o-nom-ic name is Trionychidae.”

“That’s a big word!”

“It is. And...I don’t know where my brothers are. We’re not meant to be up here.” The turtle-boy took in a long, shakey inhale of breath. “I went off on my own. I wanted to look at the clothes.” He pointed to a window across the street, filled with shiny, sleek letterman jackets. “I lost them. I ran back over here, but the cars were scary and...” He shook his head, like he was drying to dislodge the sound. “Now Waph’s gonna be worried about me, an’ Papa will be sad.”

April scrunched up her nose; putting on her Thinking Face always helped her. “You know what my Mommy says I gotta do when I’m lost?”

The turtle-boy shook his head. Raindrops spattered from his hood onto the floor.

“You gotta find a helper person. Like a lady with a baby, or a someone who works in a store. I’ll be your helper person!” She grinned, showing off the gap where her first baby tooth had fallen out. “We’ll find your family, little turtle.”

“My name’s Donatello.”

“Donna...Donate...Don...hm."

“My brother Leo calls me Donnie.”

“Okay! I’ll call you Donnie, too.” April slotted her hand into his, and the entire world fell into place. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep you safe!”

...

You need to go back. Quickly.

It was a funny feeling; pre-grieving your best friend. Looking at him every day and knowing, in your gut, he’d be gone soon. Waiting for the dam to break, craving the release of all this gut-wrenching pain but knowing, after that, comes the forever-ache of missing him. Wanting to crush his stupid bones in a hug and beat the crap out of him at the same time. Hearing him talk about ‘after’ like he’d know if she didn’t respect his wishes (donate his tech, keep his plants growing, remember Casey’s birthday and where D had stashed his gift) and he would take away Friendship Points deservingly. Trust Donnie to gamify the afterlife. But when that message came, and April knew, deep in her bones, it was time, she wasn’t ready. How could she ever be ready?

She often found herself thinking back to when they were kids. Little kids; when she realised, within thirty seconds of being around him, that Donnie needed a friend. A very best, best friend. Then, at her very first sleepover, watching him beat the everloving heck out of Leo with a sofa cushion (how was she to know ninjas-in-training would take pillow fights so seriously?!) that no, what he needed was a big sister. Someone to keep him in line, to stop that big beautiful brain from spiralling into insanity. And April had always wanted to be a big sister. She’d always rushed to Donnie when he needed her and in return he’d kept her safe from malware and from the Krang and from ever, ever feeling alone. She was his helper person. And he was hers, always.

She always thought she’d be there when it happened. She thought she’d be holding his hand.

As April bolted back to base and threw the main doors wide, her boots squeaking and slipping on the tiles as she ran towards the sound of three - oh god, only three - of her brothers, their voices indistinct but panicking, she felt her pace slow, her feet grow heavy and tired. She couldn’t. She couldn’t run towards a future without her brother.

What was that thing Donnie used to talk about when he wanted to be insufferable while they ate their pizza and scrolled through Netflox? Schrödinger’s cat. Alive and dead. Well, as long as she didn’t reach the source of all that noise, Donnie was still alive. Something else had happened; he’d just fallen, that was all. He’d fallen and Leo couldn’t help him up and somewhere, buried deep inside those awful cries of ‘Donnie? Donnie can you hear me?!’, that shrill noise Leo was making was laughter. Laughing at his twin, embarassing him once again just like he always did. But as soon as she reached the end off the hall, reality settled into its chosen trajectory.

Donnie was lying in Raph’s hands. Limp. Mikey was curled up in a tight ball, eyes wide and blank and staring. And Leo wasn’t laughing; he was screaming. Screaming for a medic, for help...for his Dad...

And April knew - from the second she saw him, the sound of rain lashing down on what was left of New York filling her ears, her brain, her broken heart. She just knew.

#rottmnt #cass apocalyptic series #rise april #rise donnie #I love that she didn't get to say goodbye #and by 'love' I mean it shattered me into a million bits #so naturally I had to make it worse

[electoons]

giving my ldb a daughter. embarrassing for all involved. mostly me

#her mom is an orc and her dad is a wood elf so she's going to be a very pointy orc. angular #like ok i suppose i leaned a little heavy on the elf features but also shes 12. she'll develop more orcish features. Not My Fault 😐 #mimiart #weird little girl who pretends to be a wolf -> actual werewolf pipeline #elder scrolls #skyrim #shes sooo sweet and smiley :) idk where that comes from. not either of her parents. neither a point for nature nor nurture #calling her Khara for now. might change idk #re: my caption its only embarrassing because of who she had the child with. he fucking sucks #but so does she which is why they get along and they make each other worse. but also sometimes better #whatever. they love each other and their weird kids #tes

[talentforlying]

priest: i don't, ah, quite know what to say to you. if you are in such terrible danger, why are you taking it all so calmly? constantine: hmh! i dunno, father. i had a bloke beaten to a pulp earlier this evening. that sound calm to you? priest: you did what...? constantine: i must've been off me bleedin' rocker. i've never done anything like it before in me life, y'know?

constantine: but there's header gets his guts blown out, and george is stickin' his head in the noose, and helen gets ... jesus, then friggin' sarah bites me head off — ! everything's coming to bits in me hands and it's so easy to just see red and now, shit, they could've killed the tosser for all i know! and now i'm just like the bastards i've hated all me life! kill him! fire him! close them down! piss all over him! screw you, i can do whatever i want! i so much as blink and you're dead, pal! i'm in charge!! ...

constantine: 'scuse me, father. i'm always like this when i don't get me own way. — hellblazer #81, "rake at the gates of hell pt. 4"

babygirl you are just....so, sooooo offputting. (and grieving, and guilty, and terrified, but yeah: offputting.)

anyway, it's issues like this one that remind me why i kind of hesitate over some of the retcons in the recent spurrier runs, like the one with him now having opened dream's pouch of sand and stolen some before they even met. because like, it's easy enough to look at john constantine now — with 70 years of worst possible choices and unresolved trauma crystallizing underneath his skin to cover up all the soft, hopeful bits where he's used to getting hit — and assign him arbiter of ill intentions, magus of wasted potential, saint of shit choices, but man . . . he was new to this, once. he was still new to this 80 issues in.

80 issues in, and he's not used to losing friends yet; he even has time enough between catastrophes to grieve each individual one. still has enough left to live for at this stage to necessitate running and hiding, instead of bodily throwing himself at the problem like he learns to later, or sitting apathetically by to do nothing except smoke and watch the world fall apart when he finally gives up. fuck, he still apologizes.

and you're telling me this guy, this soppy wet cat motherfucker hiding from the devil in a church basement, so guilty over not knowing what happened to the guy that he paid people (paid chas, so chas could pay people) to attack that the bottle he's holding in this scene isn't even his second or third........this guy's past, more innocent self lied right to the face of DREAM OF THE ENDLESS and got away with it?

hm. i just don't know about all that.

#also this is where my headcanons tag is from <3 #( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS. #( visage. ) AND I'M A BASTARD. #( character study. ) A WALKING PLAGUE OF A MAN. #sometimes i just think that. people really like to reduce constantine down to one or two things #and somehow. after 250 issues of putting his life on the line bc he could never really make himself look away from people suffering #the soft sullen guilty person who wants so fucking desperately to be a better man? is never one of those two things #idk man. i think about this issue all the time #if i put these pages side-by-side with his grief in hellblazer 2? with his grief in hellblazer 213? 215? during the empathy virus arc? #it becomes CRYSTAL clear that the guy we know at the end of hellblazer isn't someone the guy who sat vigil for gary lester would recognize #in fact i think he's someone that hellblazer 81 constantine would fucking Hate #ANYway yeah. i don't think he lied to dream about the pouch. i don't think he ever got it open. i don't think that's canon for me #i want him to fucking Earn his asshole nature. the hard way. by making All The Wrong Choices that it took to get him there #he paved that road with good intentions himself but. he also used to remember the ones he started with #idk if i'm making sense but i have had this panel open on my laptop for Two Months now #bc i can never stop thinking about how fucking crushed he is here to realize that he might be exactly as bad a man as sarah said he was #and how little it will surprise him later on to learn that he is Easily capable of So Much Fuckin Worse #and with that your honor the defense rests. our evidence? just. just Look at this fuckin guy #scopophobia / #scopophobia #eye contact / #eye contact tw

[jinxofthedesert]

I recently got out of a toxic and unhealthy friendship on here. I had to be the one to end it; hopefully the other party decides to leave it be and not smear my name due to realizing it wasn't healthy and that I had to end it because of it.

Basically, if someone makes you start feeling like shit, from your life, to your goals, passion, and everything else, then it's not a rewarding friendship. And it's hard to sometimes see it in the moment. Because you want to think the best of peeps, especially ones you care about.

But sometimes the healthiest thing for You is to know when to put your foot down and end it, even if it hurts you and them. At the end of the day, you matter and what you're doing matters and no one has the right to make you feel shit for who you are when you're just living your life. Life is hard enough without adding peeps who make you feel that way or question how you live when, prior to them showing up, you were happy with all of it.

To anyone in a relationship or friendship like that, I hope, like me, you are able to take a stand and realize you deserve better.

I knew I was being manipulated but not how much until I talked to others close to me. I pray you all never have to experience such a thing because damn, you know you did the right thing, but feel so fucking guilty at the same time.

But your happiness matters. You matter. Please remember that.

#personal #me #had to make a post. it's been eating at me since I ended it #you feel so fucking guilty but know it was the right decision. #i feel happier and lighter #its weird cause I've met my closet friends on here who are so incredible and supportive and respectful and I am in return #so to have one spiral into....that....was hard. and hard to realize despite my stomach aching day after day trying to tell me that #this was a shit situation and I deserved better #if someone makes you feel like shit and makes you believe you deserve to feel that way: leave #just leave #block them #life is to damn short to share it with people who will only make it worse and and make you feel bad as a person #i have more self respect than that #and sometimes it's hard to tell cause I want peeps to get along and have a good time when I care for them #i like making peeps happy. it brings me joy. and I tend to do it naturally without thinking. #so it's hard to sometimes see when it's not healthy #i pray for anyone in a relationship/friendship like this #know you are worth it and no one has the right to make you feel like that. #when someone doesn't respect that you have a life and can't be there 24/7 and take it Personally when you can't....like no #I've had so many friendships on here that respect your time and realize messaging comes second maybe even third or fourth #and it sucks when the opposite happens and it just gets worse and worse. #And them using 'i used to be a therapist so I know you better then yourself' should never be an excuse for them putting you down EVER.

[nonuggetshere]

I need to draw something with PK and Hornet there's not enough of these two together in my art

#thylacines can talk #in my au specifically she used to be SUCH a daddy's girl but then she grew up and grew bitter and resentful over her role in life. the #reason for her birth and the way her pwn sibling has been treated. She actually drifted away from both of her biological parents because #her being bitter about being concieved for a specific purpose and already having all of her life planned out for her is a big part why she #grew distant with her father and step mother so naturally it also applied to her mother. but she grew apart way more from PK and WL because #she had more grievances with them than just that one thing. Plus PK could sometimes be a little too smothering and overprotective. He truly #loves his daughter and maybe showers her with more love than usual because of what he did to his other kids but at times he doesnt know how #to reel it back. he got worse when Hornet pulled away because he was terrified of losing her which ironically made the drift bigger. #eventually they reconcile and grow closer again but they'll never be as close as they were when she was little. Or maybe they're just close #in a different way and that's alright. I don't see Hornet as an overly affectionate person so being smothered with love bugs her. She loves #her father and step mother of course she does. But she has a different way of showing it which took a little while for them to understand #and adjust to. They eventually grow close just not in that very affectionate little kid way #She actually grew closer to Vespa during her teen years as she was her teacher and mother figure and Hornet clung to her when she grew apart #from her two mothers and father. #oh a funfact. Hornet doesn't really call WL step mother. When she was little Herrah was mummy and WL was momma and now that she's older #they're both mum but she comes up with increasingly more ridiculous ways to differentiate them. She only really calls WL 'step mother' when #shes angry with her. or 'your mother' if she's talking yo her siblings. A very cheap shot that would make WL feel really shitty but makes #Hornet feel better for a while. #faaf au

[dutybcrne]

Thinkings thinkings of Fatui!Kaeya have been reawakened in reviewing Arle's teasers/animations

#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. ); #//Whether it's Dad!Pierro or not; I do love the idea of him being left in the care of the Fatui/House of Hearth #//Tho timelines considered; he prolly would be in Pierro's personal care while Arle goes through her Traumatic Matricide Experience #//Doubt the man would want to leave him out of his sight; Khaenri'ahn/Alberich ties considered #//Or maybe he was raised/trained to fight under Signora. Or even for Columbina (her namesake's ties to Pierro's; considered) #//Tho also do LOVE the idea of Kae and Taru growin up together in the Fatui ranks and being the disastrous + shy boi duo #//Tho Kae'd prolly have less to hide/fear with them when it comes to his heritage. The strictness he'd be raised with though... #//Eh; Taru could bring him out of his shell even still jdbgfkf. If anyone can; he deffo could. His little wintry sunshine #//So maybe he'd grow into his peacock self a little more naturally; even if perhaps still out of necessity/for ease of his missions #//Less of a facade to hide his grief/missing pieces tho; more like the way Taru is charming & goofy to lower people's guards #//Still has his little habit of testing people deffo is Much worse and much more sadistic when it comes down to it #//Particularly towards fellow Fatui who disrespect him or their comrades; or just someone he ends up disliking in general #//Does 'test' new comrades; but is more willing to step in & help them if need be. Wants UTMOST trust; determination & loyalty in his men #//So will only ever take those who push to complete the mission at all costs; even themselves/willingly ask him for help when they need it #//Dislikes those who run; & LOATHES cowards who abandon comrades to save themselves; he WILL deliberately make sure they don't make it back #//Still employs his intel gathering methods as normal verse; but has preying mantis tendencies when it comes down to it nbcfjgf #//ESP if they try to take advantage of/blackmail him in some way. Or worse; those who betray him. He is meticulous & VERY ruthless abt it #//His signature is decapitation & an unmelting (Abyssal energy-laced) ice shard through the heart; around which he'd carve a stylized one #//If those informants keep being useful to him; they are safe; and treated so lovingly by him; spoiled rotten with gifts & favors aplenty #//Once they lose their usefulness...well; regrettably he cannot leave any loose ends. These become frozen as statues for him to keep #//'Precious mementos of lovers & conspirators'; he'd call them. He'd keep them in his private home in Snezhnaya #v; glacialis pavonis (fatui!kaeya) #//If he had to have a Harbinger title/name (maybe bumped up for when Scara erases himself); he'd prolly be l'Innamorato #//Fitting of his methods (is also the remaining role of Commedia dell'arte lololol). He is saccharine sweet; pretty & deadly as a belladonn #//Deffo would have tango-based motifs rather than waltz; would favor frost-laced roses. Might even leave those with his victims too #//Can you tell I listened to Rondo Across Countless Kalpas as I wrote this up jhbfjgkfhf #hc; kaeya #//I mean yeah lol. I have so many more thinkings abt this verse aaAAAA #//Am torn if I want his to use a Cryo Delusion; or have him with Cryo Vision and an Anemo Delusion. Do like that for Cryo Swirls #//Then his rage/scorn could be likened to a Blizzard. Do like that image. Deffo favors his Abyssal powers more tho; maybe THAT'd be better

[squishosaur]

I SAW YOUR PERSONALITY VIBE SWAP THINGY ive always loved the idea if super silly jamil like what are you doing I wanna throw you into the ground. anyway i jusy wanted to twll you that yay Jamil Viper

-snake anon

this one's specifically for you snakey. nobody else. okay? 👍

#it would be so sick and twisted if kalim were the more cynical and grounded one and jamil was the fun one though can you imagine. #a kalim who is mildly annoyed with and scared of everyone due to his trauma and all the attempts on his life and a jamil who stays smiling? #why?? maybe it's bc he feels forced to by nature of his position. maybe it's because he knows optimism will get people to follow him. maybe. #regardless. if jamil was kalim's closest friend And kalim was reserved and had trouble confiding in anyone else the overblot would hit Badly #silliest goofiest best friend ever declares that he's always hated you. the One Guy you can count on. #like what does he say in that situation??? #OF COURSE THE ORIGINAL OVERBLOT CIRCUMSTANCES ALSO MAKE ME SAD #vibeswap kalim and jamil would just be Worse nagisa and saegusa tbh #my art :> #comics #OKAY I WON'T POST ANY MORE JAMILS FOR AT LEAST A WEEK OKAY. #no alt text #askbox! #snake anon 🐍

[james-stark-the-writer]

5 episodes into Deadloch and this show is so much more fun when it isn't trying to pretend like it's not copaganda like genuinely a really fun mystery and executed super well and then the lib-ish politics of the show keep popping in like "hey fuck the gender binary" and "hey queer people don't murder, we get murdered" and "hey our lead is a lesbian cop" and it's like shut the fuck up already my god. like you're bringing up all these issues you're clearly not gonna fucking reckon with because you can't by the nature of the show unless this ends with cops getting abolished in australia so like what are you doing here, you know? like in the first few minutes of episode 1, the lead lesbian cop finds ACAB spray painted on her neighbor's garbage cans and we just haven't gone anywhere with that, it's not like used to critique the system or anything, and her response is just to get it cleaned up. so like. it's just kinda infuriating.

#james talks #deadloch #Michael Schur did this. B99 is a fun show but jesus lord it has done such irrevocable and incomprehensible damage to shows like this. #like i'm not even saying that shows shouldn't reckon with issues like this. it would be irresponsible NOT to but like oh my god guys. #what is the end goal here? #like truly genuinely what are you planning on achieving with these remarks if not to constantly remind the audience— #that the protags are complicit in the oppression of the people who they've been hired to defend and in reality are ineffective & unnecessary #like they're doing a pretty decent job of showing just how bad & broken the system is and that's like kinda cool but at the end of the day— #it's kinda inherent to the genre to be copaganda and your attempts aren't mitigating it. #they're making it worse bc you keep reminding us how woke you are. #i will say though as far as i am aware (my knowledge extends as far as tertiary facts and Jennifer Kent's The Nightingale)— #the representation of First Nations People/First Australian People and the colonizing Australians is actually pretty well done. #like the racial stuff here IS nuanced and interesting. the rest is... distracting at best. #anyway it's a fun show so far and there's a lot of lesbians in here and it doesn't feel particularly TERFy so far so feel free to watch it #the mystery is genuinely fun. i just don't love the constant 'hey we're so woke guys' reminders #anyway cool that it's a show by women with 3 women leads and a majority queer cast of characters that's talking about land back and stuff #like there is fun to be had here but i know by the nature of it that the buildup can't go anywhere or lead to anything so it's just annoying

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

I’m really starting to feel like Gregor Samsa now

#exjw #going pomo #my mom knows I’m gay and also “opposed” but my dad doesn’t yet so I’m hiding in my room #So naturally I don’t feel well; but I’m going to work anyway because I don’t feel as bad there as I do here #Now all I need is for my dad to throw something at me (I don’t think he would but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did) #I think my mom is hoping that maybe when I start ADHD meds I’ll “come to my senses” #because she asked if I thought my ADHD had anything to do with my decisions #And she went on and on yesterday reading stuff she researched about these specific meds #Like… no? If anything the ADHD meds will make me pack up faster because then I won’t be as inhibited to gtfo #She oddly doesn’t seem as angry/sad as I thought she would; so maybe she hasn’t fully accepted it yet #I start meds tomorrow btw so we’ll see what happens. Hell of a time to be messing with my brain chemistry sjdjdjdjdndndn #This will either make things way better or way worse. We’ll see #I’m just afraid that they’ll make my already VERY high anxiety worse because they are stimulants #the anxiety wasn’t high before but it is now that I’m obligated to tell my dad knowing how much he hates gays #I don’t want to suddenly pass out projectile vomit or shit myself; because that’s what high anxiety does to me #I’ve almost passed out twice because of nerves in the past year in reaction to this situation #one such incident occurring just three days ago… while projectile vomiting

[galaxygermdraws]

I didn’t watch the new X episode but I was informed that Wormman got name dropped and I HAD to see the context. I got the context. And decided Yea. Yea I’ll angst that....So uh. Yea!! Angst. 

(Reblogs with tags/comments are appreciated. Thankyu)

#hermitcraft #hermitblr #tango tek #zedaph #zedaphplays #xisuma #xisumavoid #tw scars #tw skull #ask to tag #germdraws #germ draws #i already wanted to angst this after hearing tango call the outfit a superhero outfit #but hearing x directly say it had wormman vibes i HAD to make the comic #because with my headcanons zed saw wormman as a baby brother or son of sorts. and its been. years. since the kid has been around. so like #yea hes naturally upset any time the kid gets brought up because he cant go back and get him #and its even worse that its x because in my headcanons #xisuma refused to let zed go back to get wormman. bc x didnt think wm was a different person #so yea like. its really uh. painful for zed that x specifically said that #tango saying smth about it also upset zed because i think zed told tango about the feelings about wormman. #tango and x both werent even thinking when they made the jokes but...yea #also in unrelated notes if you can figure out what i drew for the skull on x's head uh. lol. have fun #good for you #that was very hard to draw. #but fun #anwyays tho i had fun making this wqoefiuwefiufq #ofc i would angst this kinda thing

[icewindandboringhorror]

... how am I meant to get any sort of restful sleep when it's like 85F indoors in my bedroom at NIGHT .. hhhhhhhhhhhhhh

#why the next poll adventure and everything else has taken so long lol.. I straight up have just not done anything #the past few days... staring down my todo list and sweating hopelessly #AT LEAST it;s relatively low humidity. the highest it's been up to is maybe 65%. but is usually around 50 or 40ish #There is one small window air conditioner in a roomate's room that can KIND OF be shared by nailing a sheet up to block off the hallway #with the rooms in it so the cool air goes into the other bedrooms but doesnt flow out into the kitchen or etc but #wjhen it's the time of day that the sun is directly hitting the window & it's like 102F outside even that doesnt help much. to cool 3 rooms #and I always feel like we're going to explode the air conditioner or something running it too much with direct heat on it. sometimes it #smells like hot plastic or whatever ghj.. so it's mostly just.. block off all windows with 5 layers of blankets and cardboard #starting at 10am (meaning.. no indoor light for days basically.. no natural lighting.. time passes weird. hard to determine time of day). #throw water on the bed every night so you sleep in wet sheets and keep your clothes and hair wet at all times. ice. cold drinks. keep a #little fan running pointed directly at you nearly 24/7 even when sleeping with a fan blowing air on you makes your eyes and throat painfull #dry. etc. etc.. and i KNOW people have it worse in plenty of places blah blah. i am just complaining on my little blog that is about me lol #I think the biggest thing about lack of adequate/central air conditioning for me is just the LACK of productivity!!! I am working on games! #and novels!! and so many other crafts. costumes! sculptures!!! things I want to do!!! we all have a limited amount of time on this planet a #nd I have so many goals!! To lose basically 4-5 days straight or producivity - when if I had been able to temperature #control my environment better I could have easily gotten more done because I wouldn't be laying around nuseous and too hot #and sick to do anything all day etc. -- is like.... GRRRRRR... it just feels so senseless.. i could have USEd that time... #Every CEO who has contributed to global warming owes me 1million doallrs to fund my art projects and make up for all the time #I've lost on them due to their stupid bullshit.. also they should be stoned to death in a public square. but redistribute the money FIRST #to everyone on the planet. but especially people who have been affected by floods. fires. etc. etc. #poor people who have limited choice in housing and access to air conditioning. homeless people in cooling centers. people with disabillitie #and health issues that are worse in the heat so the entire future just seems increasingly terrifying for them. etc. etc. #ANYWAY.... eughhhgh.... It can cool down SLIGHTLY at night but the past few nights I have been sleeping in an 81 degree room and I wake up #and first thing in the morning its like 82 by then and I'm so nauseous and nasty feeling... just so so tired of it.. I NEED SNOW #literally not even joking.. snow would heal me. .. oughffff... #AND i got the new nasty stinky poo poo pee pee tumblr dashboard update lol.. e v i l

[savageboar]

i have to keep telling myself it'll get better. my life will get better. i just have to live long enough to see it.

#because of my mom just completely getting worse and worse in her emotional abuse for no fucking reason #im like so close to having a full blown breakdown one of these days #and if she keeps treating claire like trash over natural territorial behavior i just might #she's my baby. we've had her for over ten years now. #she's getting old. she doesn't deserve this. #she's the reason i haven't killed myself yet #i don't understand people who treat animals like toys #i can't take it anymore #she's the reason i fucking drink!!! it makes everything hurt less!!! #she doesn't fucking see what's right in front of her eyes because she refuses to admit that she could be the problem!!! #when she dies i don't even know if i could fucking contain my rage at her funeral #fuck her i hope she rots and finally has a use as food for the maggots #hades.txt

[prismatoxic]

bpd is super cool and fun bc if i am attached to someone and they like someone else more than me, i either:

resent the person i have never met (bc they're better than me)

resent the person i am attached to (bc they don't like me more)

OR

resent myself (for not being good enough)

and it usually happens bc the other person has a fucking romantic interest in the person they "like more". fam i do not even want that with you why am i acting like it's a competition

it also happens with best friends though. like. why does my little pea brain think i need to be the ~best friend~ of everyone i latch onto like a parasitic worm. that's too many people i can't be a best friend every time

and on one memorable occasion, i felt it about a FUCKING CAT, which is all new levels of pathetic (me and the cat became friends though)

#yes the cat was spunky and yes i felt very bad about it #i have been this way my entire life and only recently was i given the language to identify it #like i can point at so many relationships and say “yeah i was fucked up about it bc they had someone they were closer to” #the bpd urge to be everyone's most important person #it gets worse the more i care about someone and is the most violently upsetting with FPs #i do not know if i have one of those rn but some past/current? ones are inspiring The Feeling #and this is not anyone's fault. this is not something that can be Fixed in any healthy way #it is something for me to figure out myself #so if you think this is about you: please don't feel bad #please do not contort yourself to fit this impossible shape that will please me #we are friends and i care about you regardless of my nature and i do not blame you #i was burned very hard ~a year ago by an FP and it has left lasting psychological scars i am still grappling with. that is not your fault #it isn't even MY fault #which is the hardest part to accept i think #i am seeing my therapist tomorrow and i will probably bring this up. we're very new to each other but this is like My Biggest Struggle #so i should make a point of telling him lmao #anyway. thanks for reading the tags. i think i might take a nap #bpd posting #tox.txt

[lord-squiggletits]

One of the thing I love about IDW Op is that he's technically an atheist war pope. It's interesting that he didn't believe in religious aspect himself but was willing to use it for the power. Made his character more complex to me. Do you have opinion on this topic?

I have a lot of mixed feelings about it tbh. On one hand, I think being an atheist/agnostic fits IDW Optimus' character well (I've tried to imagine him as religious and just...can't), but on the other hand, I kind of have a problem with the way most media depicts religious people, and it's a bit disappointing that the Matrix has canonically been associated with multiple miracles (reviving OP and Hot Rod from death, creating new sparks, even Primus/Rung being able to make them) but Optimus still calls the Matrix 'nothing but a bauble' at some point like. Really bro? So there is a part of me that is disappointed at the Matrix being treated as a Plot Device rather than a proper, respectable religious thing. On the other hand, that's just not what the story is about, and I can't call a story/character bad because it didn't go in the exact direction I wanted.

TLDR: I think Optimus being agnostic/atheist makes sense for him, but I really dislike the way it was handled in the story because it feels more like it was used as a plot inciting device than some sort of journey of Optimus trying to discover his purpose. Also, the way he interacts with other religious characters had a lot of wasted potential, so I just feel like it wasn't written in a very interesting way? Basically, the writing is such a mixed bag of interesting concepts with mediocre/bad execution that I can barely focus on the in-universe implications and mostly just get mad at Barber's writing.

My feelings are also complicated by the fact that I don't like Barber's writing at all (it's like 90% dislike and 10% like) because of how bad he is about prioritizing plot over character emotions and stuff. Earlier on in phase 2 it seemed as if Optimus was genuinely curious about his religious role as a Prime and asked the Camiens for guidance on who he should be as Prime (Windblade, Aileron, the Mistress of Flame). In Death of Optimus Prime, OP literally wished he was dead when he woke up. He made a very big deal about how he's Orion now, not Optimus. In Dark Cybertron he had a whole crisis about whether he's Orion or Optimus. Basically, he was set up to have a huge identity crisis (especially since the war is over and leadership of Cybertron fell to Starscream), but any amount of introspection was quickly derailed into PLOT PLOT PLOT OPTIMUS ANNEXES EARTH AND FIGHTS GALVATRON. The story just devolved into bullshit plot on Earth that was just action, action, plot, things happening, with pretty much no room for the characters to stop and breathe and talk and have relationships with each other. I barely felt any emotional investment for most of exRID.

I think the only scenes we got with Optimus actually getting to reflect on this new role of his was 1. when he first met Aileron and asked her and 2. when he's telling Aileron he doesn't believe and then Pyra Magna comes in and gets mad at him.

Speaking of Pyra Magna, the story writing also annoyed me because from the moment she was introduced, Pyra Magna was SUPER self-righteous about how she should be the Prime instead of Optimus and she said that she would try to make Optimus into a better Prime. But then guess what happens? Her and Optimus barely talk and Pyra Magna is basically just there to form Superion and punch people :/ And then later on when Onyx Prime is introduced, all the sudden Pyra Magna goes from having strong opinions about what a True Prime should be and believing she's destined to be the true Prime........ to talking about how she's never trusted Primes and she left the Mistress of Flame for trusting a Prime too quickly??? I know Pyra Magna isn't Optimus, but the reason I'm bringing her up is because she seemed truly religious and opinionated, she SAID she was going to "teach" Optimus things, she seemed like she was set up to be a rival to Optimus, but instead they barely have interactions and the ones they do have early in the series end up being retconned later by Barber's shitty writing that puts plot over consistent character development so. :/ I really expected Pyra Magna and Optimus to have some meaningful interactions, some mix between a rivalry and a mentor/student situation, but instead all she does is shit on him like half the case of exRID/OP and it just made me mad.

(There was also Slide who went from worshipping Optimus to saying that his leadership style is "literally fascism" and monologuing about how Optimus is a conqueror while fighting Unicron and Trypticon is being killed in the background. She's so fucking annoying and comically stupid that I genuinely thought she was going to betray them or do something evil just because she was so unhinged.)

But if you want my actual in-universe opinion on atheist pope Optimus, I do think it's an interesting concept. It shows off Optimus' sense of duty where even though HE doesn't believe, he thinks that what other people think of him his more important. He sees that being a religious figure can help him do what he thinks is right, so he willingly plays that role as a means to a greater end. He's already a "patriot and hero" to the Autobots thanks to his military feats; he's used to being venerated (sometimes to unhealthy degrees) and knows how powerful his influence can be whenever he makes political decisions. I think that he basically saw the Camiens' worship of him as just a new form of the admiration he was already used to receiving. He's spent his whole life commanding armies so simply adopted the colonists into his ranks as well.

(Also, side note, it's so fucking hypocritical for Pyra Magna to call Optimus a piece of shit for "using belief, but not believing" only for her herself to admit a few volumes later that she's never trusted Primes. Why do you wanna be one so badly then if you think Primes are so awful? If it's because you think you could do a better job than past Primes, that literally makes you the same as Optimus, who is also trying to redeem the title of Prime, so you have no right to be punching Optimus in the face lmao. But I also genuinely can't tell if that hypocrisy is supposed to be deliberate or if Barber just did what he usually did and ignored character emotion/motivation/self-reflection in favor of shoving some backstory in for Pyra Magna that tied her to Onyx Prime.)

At least Optimus tried to discourage the blind worship and used the Camiens to do things he had already spent his whole life doing (fighting genocidal colonizers aka Decepticons and protecting organic lives) so I don't really see it as out of line for Optimus. It shows how IDW OP can be a politician as well as a military leader. I think it shows how Optimus can be clever and take advantage of his reputation to achieve his political goals (protecting Earth) and it makes him a more realistic character. Sometimes things that are good aren't done through noble means. Sometimes people do good things by being not very nice.

Also, for what it's worth, I think IDW OP is less manipulative than someone like Starscream, who constantly flaunted his "Chosen One" status while admitting he didn't believe in it (or wavering in his belief) and doing things like creating secret police and trying to kidnap sparklings. Like damn at least Optimus risked his life in the same battles he asked his followers to fight in, he ruined his reputation for the sake of protecting Earth from the Decepticons. Even if the guy is an atheist pope at least he puts his own ass on the line for things he believes in for the sake of protecting people who pretty much hate him lmao. That's why I'm more inclined to view Optimus sympathetically; he's living a lie for political means, but his politics are literally "protect humans and Earth from the bullshit war and destruction Cybertronians forced onto their planet", and the burden of leadership is making him depressed and passively suicidal, and eventually he literally sacrificed himself by jumping into a black hole to save millions/billions of people so like. Let the guy fucking rest lmao.

#squiggle answers #idw op love #hot take but when you think about it #if idw op hadn't annexed earth then cybertron would have had no allies against unicron #unicron would've destroyed all the other planets and come to earth #then the humans would probably be unprepared for the battle and not used to working with cybertronians #and they might all have died #and also the remnants of the cybertronian race would have had no planet to live on #so like. i'm just saying this to put it on the record #OP is pretty much directly the reason why earth the human race and the cybertronian race aren't extinct #which i think makes him a very effective and realistic politician/military commander #he did shit things because that's the nature of war and politics #but also without his presence then the world/galaxy would be immeasurably different probably for the worse #which is why i get so mad when people just go 'he did bad things!' and hate him because of that #yes. he did bad things. he also did good things #he's a fucking military commander did you expect him to be a squeaky clean uwu daddy who's nice to everyone and has never done anything bad #sorry the ask was about religion but i also derailed it into idw op's politics #i thought this would be like a 10 minute answer but fucking OOPS #i should've been in bed like an hour ago

[quietwingsinthesky]

Leaving the safety of Sam tumblr and seeing the worst takes possible is sooooooo… just…

(Dean Stan on TikTok called the Sam and dean fight about Amy in 7.06 dean “finally standing up for himself”)

That’s so funny.

Bro, he killed a lady. And then lied about it.

Like, there’s a lot of times where I’ll go, fine, Dean’s being morally ambiguous and he thinks he’s making the right call, sure, sure. This was not one of those times.

(Secret good spn in my head where this and the Benny situation combine in Sam’s mind in such a way that once Jack comes around, that why he becomes so invested in Dean seeing Jack as family. Because he knows that if he doesn’t? If all he can offer is that he would spare Jack, that he thinks Jack isn’t a monster? Dean has disregarded that before. But if Dean can come to that conclusion on his own, strip the title of monster away because he’s become personally invested, that might protect Jack.)

#to be clear. I enjoy this about dean. I love that he can be a hypocrite and a control freak #I think it’s p natural given. all the shit he’s been through. #but calling that bit standing up for himself. well for one that argument in s7e6 does end with Sam saying ‘fuck off’ basically #but also. he did do a murder. like unambiguously he did a murder. this wasn’t even really about Amy being a monster #he’d have killed the kid if the monsterhood was the problem #but he lets the kid live #which like. that makes it worse? that makes it worse. #because what’s the kid to do? A) starve and die or B) start attacking innocent people to feed #option A is just cruel. it’s just cruel. Dean has to know that. of course he does. there’s not even a mercy kill here. #and option B? well option B is condemnation aint it? means that any killing of the kid in the future is justified. #so this makes the whole thing worse. there is no way Dean comes out of this looking good. #he killed a lady. and it’s not out of the question to say he killed her specifically because of her connection to Sam. #and all of this DOES make me want to chew on him for fun but I really can’t understand how you reinterpret it as. a good move. #sorry for rambling anon I had thoughts. #(there’s also the other outside option which is that perhaps. supernatural. does not have the most consistent character writing. #which is like. yeah. yeahhh. #but that’s no fun I want Sam & Dean to suffer <3) #ask #dean winchester

[textualviolence]

screenshotting this tag because i’m not trying to start a fight but. with all due respect i could not disagree more

#Nieyao fucking makes whatever psychosexual issues they have going on so much worse #because its so profoundly unethical and actively dirties the respectability of the bond they had previously #they can never have good sex its always profoundly psychologically destructive for the both of them #since they're both so invested in this idea of nie mingjue as a Good Man(tm) #the moment Nie Mingjue has sex with his subordinate it automatically drags him down to the level of a JGS (meng yao's actual real FATHER) #and thus tranforms a normal healthy socially well regarded though hierarchical relationship #into a disgraceful abuse of power that casts an ugly and revelatory light on the hierarchy they occupy #it's no longer possible to pretend NMJ's position of authority and Meng Yao's subordination isn't inherently identical to #the authority and subordination that facilitates JGS's abuse of vulnerable girls #was there ever anything other than sex underneath their bond? they both need to think so and they'll both be unable to convince themselves #they'll fuck once and try never to do it again but its too late because the fact that they did reveals the nature of their relationship #fundamentally its always about fucking. always about power. and it was from the beginning #its not about mentorship or fostering talent #for both of them i think their whole worldview would collapse and they would no longer be able to see their society as just and fair #if they don't fuck they can go on thinking they're normal people!!!!why waste this opportunity!!! #if you want people who shouldn't fuck look at wangxian #book got boring once they fucked im sorry ill say it