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comedicreliefonlyworkswhenfunny · 3 years

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I am against the "Americanization" of fandoms.

What this applies to

Holding non American characters (and sometimes even fans) to an American moral standard. This includes

Refusing to take into account that, first things first, America is NOT the target audience, so certain tropes that would or would not pass in the west are different in Japan.

Like seriously, quite a few of the jokes are just not going to pass or hit, because they require background information that is not universal.

Assuming all American experience is standard. (This could mean watering down just how much pressure is placed on Japanese youth irl by saying that sort of thing is universal (while it is, to a degree, Japanese suicide rates are pretty fucking high because of how fast paced and work heavy some of their loads tend to be), and it's really annoying and rude when someone is trying to speak out about how heavy and harsh the standards are placed on them to succeed just for some American whose mom occasionally yells at them to do their homework dropping by to say "it's like that everywhere")

Demonizing (or wubbifying) a character using American morals, including and up to harassing fans over their interpretations or gatekeeping whether or not a character "should" get development (while you shouldn't do that fucking period, it's rude and annoying- this is specifically for the people who use American standards without acknowledging the cultural gap between them and, you know, the fucking target audience) ((Like seriously, saying "It's different in Japan" is not the end all be all excusing someone's actions, but sometimes the author didn't immediately think that maybe (insert vaguely universal thing) was that bad or that heavy of a topic before they put it into their media. If you don't want to see things like that? Pick a different series and stop harassing the fans))

Getting mad at or making fun of Japan's attempts to satirize their own culture. (A good example is Ace Attorney! To most of us, it's just a funny laugh can you imagine if courts were actually like that- guess what? Japan's are! (Not that America's are actually that much better, they just look good on paper))

Making America/American issues the center of your fan spaces

(Usually without sharing or bringing light to the issues that other countries are going through)

Your

Experiences

Are

Not

Univseral!

Seriously, very few things across America, even, are universal. Texas things the hundreds are nothing while Minnesota's like "oh it's only thirty degrees below zero"- so for fucks sake, stop assuming that all other countries work in ways similar to America.

It's good and important to share Ameican issues with your American followers, but guess what? America isn't the only country out there, and it's certainly not the only one going through bullshit. Don't pull shit like "why's no one reblogging this?" or "why should I care about what's happening in (X country)?"

Don't assume everyone lives in America.

Stop assuming everyone lives in America.

America is not and has never been the target audience for anime, and it's certainly not the only country outside of Japan that enjoys it.

Like I said above, sometimes Japan attempts to satirize its own culture. We can't tell what is and isn't meant as satire, because it's not our culture.

Social media activism can be tiring and maybe you don't have the energy to focus on things that are out of your control, but, if someone tells you about the shit they're going through, don't bring American politics up.

For the neurodivergent crowd out there thinking, "But why?" it's because a lot of social media, especially, is very heavily Americanized- sometimes to the point where people assume that everyone is American. Not to mention, it's disheartening. I'm sorry to say, but you're not actually relating to the conversation, you're often diverting the focus away from the topic at hand. Even if you mean well, America is heavily pedestaled and talked about frequently, and people from other countries are tired of America taking precedent over their own issues.

Don't divert non-American issues into American ones. Seriously. It's not your place. Please just support the original issue or move on.

Racist Bullshit

This especially goes for islanders and South Asian characters, as well as poc characters (because, yes, Japan DOES have black people)

Making "funny" racist headcanons. Not fucking cool.

Changing the canon interpretation of an explicit character of color in order to fit racist stereotypes.

Whitewashing or color draining characters. Different artistic skill sets can be hard, yes, but are you seriously going to look at someone and say "I don't feel like accurately portraying you or people that look like you, because it's difficult for me." If someone tries to correct you on your cultural depiction of a character and/or their life style, don't be an ass. (If possible, it would be nice for those that do the corrections to be polite as well, but it does get really frustrating).

Seriously, no offense guys, but, if you want to persue art, you're going to need to learn to depict different body types, skin colors, and/or ethnic features.

On that note, purposefully, willingly, or consistently inaccurately portraying people or characters of color (especially if someone in the fandom has "called you out" or specifically told you that what you're doing comes across as racist and you continue to do it). If you need help or suck at looking things up, there are references for you! Ask your followers if they have tutorials on poc (issue that you're having), whether it be bodily portrayal, facial proportions, or coloring and shading. Art is so much more fun when you can depict a wider variety, and guess what? Before you drew the same skinny, basic, white character over and over, you couldn't even draw that!

Attempting or claiming to DEPECT CULTURAL ACCURACY within a work or meta, while being completely fucking wrong. ESPECIALLY and specifically if someone calls you out, and you refuse to fix, correct, or change anything.

*little side note that the discussion revolving art is a very multilayered conversation, and it has quite a few technical potholes, which I'll bring up again farther into this post.

Fucking history

Stop demonizing or for absolute fucks sake wubbifying Japanese history because UwU Japan ♡0♡ or bringing up shit like "you know they sided with Nazis, right?" It's good to recognize poor past decisions, but literally it's not your country keep your nose out of it. And? A lot of decisions made by countries were not made by their general peoples. Even those that were, often involved heavy propaganda that made them think what they were doing was right.

Seriously, it's not your country, not your history. Unless you have some sort of higher education (but honestly even then a lot of those contain heavy bias), just don't butt in.

^^^ this also goes to all countries that are NOT Japan (specifically when people from non American countries talk about their history while in fandoms and someone wants to Amerisplain to them why "well, actually-"). When we said, "question your sources," we didn't mean "question the people who know better than you, while blindly accepting the (more than likely biased) education you were given in the past."

What this does NOT include:

Fanfiction

FANfiction

FanFICTION

FANFICTION.

Seriously, fanfiction is literally UNPAID WORK from RANDOM FANS- a lot of which who are or have started as kids. ((No, I'm not trying to excuse racist depictions of people just because they're free, please see above where I talk about learning to grow a skill and how it's possible tone bad and get good, on top of the fact that some inaccuracies are not just willful ignorance))

"Looking it up" doesn't work

"Looking it up" almost never works

Please, for fucks sake, you know that most all online search engines are heavily biased, right? Not to mention, not everything is universal across the entirety of Japan. You want to look up how the school system works in Hokkaido? Well it's different from the ones in Osaka!

Most fanfiction is meant to be an idealized version of the world. Homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, ableism, and racism are very prevalent and heavy topics that some fan authors would prefer to avoid. (Keep in mind, this is also used by some people in those minorities often because thinking about how relevant those kinds of things are is to them every day).

A lot of shit that happens in writing is purely because it's an ideal setting. I've seen a few arguments recently about how fan authors portray Japanese schools wrong- listen, I can't tell you how many random school systems I have pulled from my ass purely because (I need them to interact at these points, in these ways). Sometimes the only compliment I can think of is 'I like your shirt' or sometimes I need character A to realize that character B likes the same thing as they do, so I might ignore the fact that most all Japanese schools require uniforms, so that I can put my character in a shirt that will get someone else's attention.

Sometimes it's difficult to find information on different types of systems, and sometimes when you DO know those things, they directly rule out a plot point that needs to happen (like back on the topic of schools (from what I've seen/heard/read- which guess what? Despite being from multiple sources, might still be inaccurate!) Japanese schools don't have mandatory elective classes (outside of like gym and most of them usually learn English or another language- I've seen stuff about art classes? But the information across the board varies.), but, if I need my character to walk in and see someone completely in their element, I'm probably not going to try and gun for accuracy or make up a million and two reasons as to why this (non elective) person would possibly need something from (elective teacher) after school of all things.)

Some experiences ARE universal- or at least overlap American and Japanese norms! Like friends going to fast food places after school doesn't /sound Japanese/ or whatever, but it's not like a horrible inaccuracy to say that your characters ate at McDonald's because they were hungry. Especially when you consider that the Japanese idolization of American "culture" is also a thing.

Also I saw someone complaining about how, in December, a lot of (usually westerners) write Christmas fics! Well, not only are quite a few of those often gift fics, with it being the season if giving and all, but Japanese people do celebrate Christmas! Not as "the birth of Christ," but rather as a popularized holiday about gift giving (also pst: America isn't the only place that celebrates Christmas)

But, on that note, sometimes things like Holidays are "willfully ignorant" of what actually happens (I've made this point several times, but (also this does by no means excuse actual racism)), because, again: plot convenience! Hey what IF they celebrated Halloween by Trick or Treating? What if Easter was a thing and they got to watch their kids or younger siblings crawl around on the ground looking for tiny plastic eggs?

Fanfiction authors can put in hours of work for one or two thousand words- let alone ten thousand words, fifty thousand words, a hundred thousand words. And all of these are free. There is absolutely no (legal) way to make money off of their fanworks, but they spent hours, days, weeks, months- sometimes even years- writing. It is so unnecessary to EXPECT or REQUIRE them to spend even more hours looking up shit that, no offense, almost no one is going to notice. No one is going go care that all of my combini prices are accurate or that I wrote a fic with a Japanese map of a train station that I had to backwards search three times to find an English version that I could read.

Not everyone has the attention span or ability to spend hours of research before writing a single word. Neurodivergent people are literally a thing yall. Instead of producing the perfectly pretty accurate version of Japan that people want to happen, what ACTUALLY happens is that the writer reads and reads and reads and either never finds the information they need or they lose the motivation to write.

^^^ (This does NOT apply to indigenous or native peoples, like Pacific Islanders or tribes that exist in real life. Please make sure that you portray tribal minorities accurately. If you can't find the information you need (assuming that the content of the series is not specifically about a tribe), please just make one up (and for fucks sake, recognize that a lot of what you've been taught about tribal practices, such as shit like human sacrifices or godly worship, is actually just propaganda.)

Not to mention, it often puts a wall in front of readers who would then need to pull up their OWN information (that may or may not be biased) just in order to interact with the fic ((okay, this one has a little bit of arguability when it comes to things like measurements and currency, because Americans don't know what a meter is and no one else knows what a foot is- either way, one of yall is going to have to look up measurements if they want to get a better understanding of the fic)). However, a lot of Americans who do write using 'feet, Fahrenheit, dollars,' also write for their American followers or friends (which really could go both ways).

On a less easily arguable side, most fic readers aren't going to open up a new tab just to search everything that the author has written (re the whole deep topics, not everyone wants to read about those sorts of things, either). Not only are you making it more difficult on the writer, but you're also making it more difficult for the reader who's now wondering why you decided to add in Grandma's Katsudon recipe, and whether or not the details you have added are accurate.

Some series, themselves, ignore Japanese norms! Piercings, hair dye, and incorrectly wearing ones uniform are frowns upon in Japanese schools- sometimes up to inflicting punishment on those students because of it. However, some anime characters still have naturally or dyed blond hair some of them still have piercings or wear their uniforms wrong. Some series aren't set specifically in Japan, but rather in a vague based-off-real-life Japan that's just slightly different (like Haikyuu and all of its different prefectures). Sometimes they're based on real places, but real places that have gone through major changes (like the Hero Academia series with its quirks and shit).

Fandom is not a full time job. Please stop treating it like it is one. Most people in fandoms have to engage in other things like school or work that most definitely take precident over frantically Googling the cultural implications of dying your hair pink in Japan.

Art is also meant to be a creative freedom and is almost always a hobby, so there are a few cracks that tend to spark debate. Like I said, it is still a hobby, something that's meant to be fun (on this note!)

If trying new things and expanding your portfolio is genuinely making you upset, it's okay to take a break from it. You're not going to get it right on the first try and please, please to everyone out there critiquing artists' works, please take this into account before you post things.

I'm sorry to say, but, while it gets frustrating to see the same things done wrong over and over again, some people are genuinely trying. If it matters enough for you to point out, please offer solutions or resources that would possibly help the artist do better (honestly this could be said about a lot of online activism). I get that they should "want" to do better (and maybe they don't and your annoyance towards them is completely justified- again, as I said, if this becomes a repeated offense and they don't listen to or care about the people trying to help them, yeah you can be a bitch if it helps you feel better- just please don't assume that everyone is willfully ignorant of how hurtful/upsetting/annoying a certain way of portraying things is), but also WANTING to do better and ACTUALLY doing better are two different things.

Maybe they didn't realize what they were doing was inaccurate. Maybe they didn't have the right tutorials. Maybe they tried to look it up, but that failed them. Either way, to some- especially neurodivergent artists- just being told that their work is bad or racist or awful isn't going to make them want to search for better resources in order to be more accurate, it's just going to make them give up.

Also! In fic and in writing, no one is going to get it right on the first try. Especially at the stage where we creators ARE merely in fan spaces is a great time to "fuck around and find out", before we bring our willfully or accidentally racist shit into monetized media. Absolutely hold your fan creators to higher standards, but literally fan work has so little actual impact on popular media (and this goes for just about every debate about fan spaces), and constructive criticism as well as routine practice can mean worlds for representation in future media. NOT allowing for mistakes in micro spaces like fandoms is how you get genuinely harmful or just... bad... portrayals of minorities in popularized media that DOES have an impact on the greater public. OR you get a bunch of creators who are too afraid to walk out of their own little bubbles, because what if they get it wrong and everyone turns against them. It's better to just "stick with what they know" (hobbies are something that you are meant to get better at, even if that is a slow road- for all of my writers and artists out there, it does take time, but you will get it. To everyone else, please do speak up about things that are wrong, but don't make it all about what's wrong and please don't be rude. It's frustrating on both ends, so, if you can, please try not to escalate the situation more.)

Anyways, I'm tired of everyone holding fictional characters to American Puritanical standards, but I'm also tired of seeing every "stop Americanizing fandom" somehow loop into fanfiction and how all authors who don't make their fics as accurate as possible are actually just racist and perpetuating or enabling America's take over of the world or some shit.

Fan interpretation of published media is different than fan creation of mon monetized media. Americans dominating or monopolizing spaces meant for all fans (especially in a fandom that was never meant for them to begin with) is annoying and can be harmful sometimes. Americans writing out their own personal experience using random fictional characters (more often than not) isn't.

#just google it #better represent real life #if you tell a fic reader to ngl you're being pretty ableist and don't really have a good idea of how search engines work #also when people DO try to make culturally accurate fics often times at least one or two people will pop in and say 'actually that's wrong'#not to mention sometimes they might not even be right to begin with...#and okay once or twice it is what it is #but seriously if this keeps happening over and over most people are just going to stop writing or caring #fanfiction #fanfiction is literally free #fanfiction is free labor #adding layers upon layers of research and knowledge needed- on top of how difficult it can be to portray human emotion #it's not going to it's just going to make once starry eyed writers loss their ability to enjoy their work #and guess what #some ACTUALLY racist (or homophobic or transphobic or misogynistic) writer is going to swoop in not giving two fucks #and they're going to go on and get their work published because they don't care about accuracy

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serenedash · 3 years

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I started rambling about my experience with kh and then it turned into khux and then it just turned into me rambling about Ryou and my art journey????? enjoy I guess,

it’s very long but there’s art in there :)

It’s funny to think about my kh journey as a whole tbh, I grew up watching my mom play video games, which included kh1 and 2. I wasn’t allowed to play the playstation2 we owned BUT I did have a gameboy so the first game I played was CoM (after my mom finished it ofc,) so I guess you could say I’ve always been passionate about kh “””side games””” lmao but I did fall off of kh very quickly bc again, I wasn’t allowed to play our PS2 and also I Am A Terrible Gamer I’ve Never Finished CoM I’m sorry you all had to find out like this, but then 358/2 came out when I was in middle school and!!! I didn’t care and I didn’t play idk why lol

Anyway, fast forward to high school I’m like 15 and my older sister, who HAS been keeping up with kh, has a wallpaper on her phone of roxas and ventus. And bc I haven’t kept up I say “nice roxas wallpaper” and she says “thanks but it’s roxas and ventus” and I proceeded to get so mad that I was determined to prove to her that her wallpaper was just roxas twice and then I fell down the BBS rabbit hole and suddenly I was reading about vanitas and then I’m reading the fan translations of the BBS novel and I’m crying??? I am sobbing???? and that’s how I actually got into kh for real lol we are vanitas stans before we are people,

It’s so funny how I thought I was some kh super fan, knowing all this stuff that I spent so long reading and rewatching cutscene movies, but I never once, SOMEHOW NEVER ever came across khx. It’s so absurd and bizarre I seriously have no idea how I never once encountered khx prior to khux. I suppose that has to do with the fact I wasn’t involved in the fandom? In early high school I had stepped away from fandoms as a whole and I didn’t have any interest in really posting content or interacting with fans anymore bc of how burnt out I was from a previous fandom,

but khux released! and I was so hype and excited for it! on launch day I was a senior in high school, I had ran around to every “nerd” and weeb I could find in school to ask them to join my party and fun fact about me is I have crippling social anxiety I literally refuse to start conversations irl so holy shit I was OUT HERE doing the MOST

My player just originally had my name (Matt) but everyone in my party had fun names so Ryou was born! High school was one big yugioh phase for me and ryou bakura is one of my favorite characters ever so it was just the logical name choice lol I quickly started creating Ryou, the character, as well. I was also leaving my homestuck phase and that + vanitas obsession made This character design (art circa 2016)

If y’all are familiar with my kh oc’s you might notice that keyblade now belongs to my kid Monty LOL

Anyway that got scrapped quickly for the chip and dale outfit (which is where Ryou’s trademark goggles are from <3) Goggles have been a staple of my character designs for a LONG TIME so like, it had to be done, (that’s a separate ramble about a separate oc tho)

OG Ryou was an interesting guy; he was a young party leader with this overwhelming responsibility on his shoulders bc of his status as a party leader. In his original story, he also struggled heavily with darkness, much like Terra but for Ryou it was more that the darkness was controlling him and not like a source of power like it was for Terra

A big part of early Ryou I kept, however, was the crushing awareness of loss. One of my party members (the strongest one at the time,) had left without saying a word and I was very confused and hurt. This was around the time the ephemera plot was happening so I decided to incorporate it into Ryou’s story; having him experience losing a friend to darkness since it’s so normal for wielders in Daybreak Town to just disappear, and this would unintentionally become a theme for both me and Ryou as khux friends would just randomly disappear.

I was desperate for khux at this point and I decided to watch the fan translations for khx and GOD, god, was I obsessed. I couldn’t stop thinking about the foretellers. And I’m not going off about that here bc I already did that, but I actually started entering fandom again! I did it slowly, I started on tumblr before this blog was made altho it was me sending anons to the few khux related blogs I could have lol a friend convinced me to get twitter where I got involved with the ffxv fandom, which led me to the kh fandom and eventually the khux fandom there which is what REALLY got me going on khux.

I joined discord servers, most of the servers I’m in are khux related, and from there I joined the khux oc rp (shout out to anyone there who might be reading this lol here’s some art from the beginning of the rp,)

It’s SO FUNNY how the RP influenced me so heavily. I hadn’t RP’d in YEARS, I used to have a strict no oc rp policy, but here I was? And the funny part is, I had barely developed Ryou. I had scrapped his original story and all I had was POST WAR Ryou so I literally had to reverse write him; I had only ever written him as a depressed, guilt ridden adult, but it was a fucking blast and I have such fond memories of this rp when it was active,

But anyway, this encouraged me to get more serious about art! I started drawing, writing, cosplaying, and roleplaying when I hadn’t done any of that stuff in a very long time. The first time I ever drew a background was for a deviant art khux competition actually LOL

also! I always think extremely fondly of the drawing I did of Aced in the keyblade war. It was also one of the first backgrounds I ever drew and it felt like my real starting point in the khux fandom. It got a ton of notes on here and someone wrote a tiny fic in a reblog which just made me SO HAPPY like it really felt like people were noticing me :) I was going to draw a matching Ira but!! I just never did!! One day tho, it’s on my art bucket list to redraw this along with Ira,

Aside from my personal growth, khux was great for my social life ngl, I made SO MANY friends online and got to meet a ton of people irl over the years! It’s crazy to think about all the people I now know and talk to? It honestly makes me really emotional. I’ll never forget taking the train into NYC and meeting up with discord friends. Going to conventions and talking with people about the latest khux update? Absolutely insane and those were some GOOD TIMES, if I thanked every khux friend or even just person who made an impact on me then we’d be here for a LONG TIME,

Fun fact, for my Lauriam cosplay all I needed to buy was the wig I just owned his outfit LOL also? Probably retiring that cosplay ngl people treated me like absolute garbage when I wore him and it led to a lot of confidence issues for awhile ngl. That’s probably one of the only memorable negative experiences I have with khux; it was great when khux people recognized me but for kh fans that weren’t in khux? They were FUCKING MEAN??? fuck kh fandom at large, I only care about khux fandom,

This leads me to another huge part of my experience in khux fandom: THEORIES!! I used to write SO MANY and oh my god my brain was so full all the time. It was a huge appeal for me in the fandom; I had been previously writing theory posts in the RWBY fandom and it just migrated over to khux for me lol I had done a ton of theorizing around Lauriam tbh, it was really the only reason I liked his character at all bc initially I did not care about the dandelions, anyone who wasn’t Skuld I was like “please leave Now thanks”

A funny part of khux fandom I never intended to be apart of is the MEMES, I really only started doing memes as stress relief bc college had me so busy all I had time/energy for was these quick little shit post drawings.

The first meme I made, file name “invi despair” LOL we need to get her a girlfriend smh anyway, I think in my senior year of college I did a bunch of rapid fire memes all in one month bc the stress of finals was getting so bad afdgfhdgf as far as I know my impact on this fandom will be my memes bc all I do now is enter a kh/khux server and introduce myself and I go “yeah I draw art. here’s a meme” and everyone goes OH YOU, honestly I am nothing if not a clown

I’ve talked so much idk where I’m going with this. Khux is just a good game even if the gameplay actually kind of really sucks yknow lol but it was the first game I played where I like, REALLY got into the meta and the mechanics. I used to read so much on the mechanics and watch youtube videos on which medals were worth pulling for. I was never a whale or a top player exactly, but I could rank well if I tried lol I’ve made it to the top 100 for solo rankings, my party has made it to top 10, and in pvp I’ve made top 300. I’m not the highest level in my party but FUCK do I know how to manipulate this game LOL

And with all that hard work, the strategies, the theorizing, the content I’ve made-- it’s been my life for 5 years. I’ve logged into khux almost every single day. At the end, I have logged 1820 days in khux out of 1910 days. Kinda crazy. Crazier I’ve never spent money on khux either lol the only “money” gone into it was one time my mom gave me a google play store gift card and I used it on my birthday for a VIP xemnas medal which eventually made it to regular pulls anyway but it was nice and a little treat :)

I’m not a gacha fan, I don’t care for it, so I don’t think I’ll be touching another gacha again. But for kh? This was pretty fucking awesome, even if it sucked a lot sometimes LOL It was worth it for the people I’ve met most of all I think. I would honestly be a completely different person without khux and that’s REALLY insane to think about.

#the khux hyperfixation is REAL #but yall knew this about me #there's so much more I could say but it's 2am and this is long enough already #im rambling

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maybeimamuppet · 3 years

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I see stars

hello friends, happy Wednesday! before we get into this I'd like to thank my irl friends Nerd and Kween (I asked them if they'd like to pick an alias, that's what they each chose) for giving me scene ideas and helping me to write this chapter!

tw for:

outing

and something that could be seen as a suicide attempt if you squint. its really not, but... it'll make sense once you get into it.

anyway, please enjoy!

At 11:11, Cady makes a wish on a star outside her window. She’s just moved across the world, to Illinois from Kenya. She’s never felt more alone in her life.

So, Cady wishes for a friend. Someone who will stick by her side through anything. Doesn’t matter who. She knows it’s a cliche to wish on a star, but she’s desperate. She’ll try anything.

She’s not expecting to be woken by a blinding bright light at exactly midnight. She blinks blearily as she wakes, looking into the backyard. There’s a girl about her age, bathed in the light.

Cady tugs on her hedgehog slippers and runs downstairs, able to approach the girl lying in her grass as the blinding light fades.

She doesn’t seem to be breathing, but she gasps sharply and her eyes shoot open just before Cady can touch her.

“No, no, no,” the girl says desperately.

“Um... are you okay?” Cady asks quietly, very confused by the last several minutes. The girl looks at her and screams, making Cady jump.

“You, who are you?” The girl demands, her blonde hair flowing behind her. Her eyes are glowing and her hair moves on its own. That’s not normal.

“Um... I’m Cady. Cady Heron,” Cady says confusedly.

“What the fuck have you done?!” The girl yells at her. “You made a wish, what did you wish for?”

Cady is almost crying in fear as this terrifying... person? yells at her. “Nothing, I just-I wanted a friend, I didn’t-I didn’t mean to do anything to you. Who are you?”

“I,” the girl says with a sigh. “Am the star you wished on. Or I used to be, anyway.”

“You what?! That can’t... you...” Cady splutters. “But you’re a girl.”

“To you. This is my... Earthly form, you could say,” the star replies. “You don’t believe me. Here, touch me.”

Cady tries to, pulling back with a yelp as her fingertip makes contact. She’s burning hot.

“Ow! You couldn’t prove it some other way?” Cady hisses, sucking on her burned finger. The star stands up, shaking off her white robes and combing her hands through her long blonde hair. Now that Cady looks closely, her hair is almost exactly the color of starlight. And there’s still a sort of glowing aura around her. “Can anyone else see you?”

“They can now, thanks to you,” the star spits. “That’s a point, actually, hold on.”

She waves her hands for a second, somehow removing the light emanating from her. Her eyes stop glowing and fade to a rather beautiful honey-brown, and her hair lays flat in waves down just past her shoulders. She brings her hands together to condense the light, and like a magician releasing a dove, reveals two gold bracelets that she slides onto her wrists.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t... I didn’t mean to bring you here,” Cady whispers. “Can I help you get back?”

The star sighs, seeming to calm herself. “You had no way of knowing this would happen. It hasn’t for thousands of your years. You don’t need to apologize.”

“What did happen?” Cady asks in confusion.

“You made a wish at a very poor time for me,” the girl replies, coming to sit by her on the grass. “But we don’t have time to get into it now.”

“Okay,” Cady says. She doesn’t think it’s okay, she has so many questions, but she doesn’t want to anger the girl again. “Um… what’s your name?”

“I don’t have one,” the girl shrugs. “I suppose you humans have technically named me at some point, but I wouldn’t know it.”

“Are you staying here?”

“It would seem so,” the girl hums. “For a while, anyway. I’ll have to go back soon.”

“Then you need a name,” Cady insists. She stands and reaches to help her up, but pulls back quickly. “Are you still, um…”

The star chuckles. “No. If I’m not glowing you don’t have to worry.”

“Ah,” Cady says as if she understands. She doesn’t, nothing about this evening makes sense. “Come on, it’s cold out here.”

“You trust strangers remarkably quickly,” the girl says as she takes her hand to be led up the stairs to Cady’s bedroom. “I could be some crazy human telling you a lie.”

“You could be, but you were glowing and burning hot when you got here, and you clearly can do some kind of… magic, or something, with your… essence. And you already knew I wished on a star,” Cady whispers. “Now shush, you’ll wake my parents up.”

“Parents?”

“Yeah. You know, like… the people who made me?” Cady says. “Do stars not have parents?”

“Not that I would ever know,” the star says. “We’re technically composed of pieces of others who’ve already died. What are parents like?”

Cady sits the girl on her bed and roots through her dresser for something less conspicuous for her to wear. “It depends. Some aren’t great. Mine are nice, they love me. They’re a little dorky, but they’re good people. You’ll like them.”

The star takes the offered sweats and looks at them curiously. “What do I do with these?”

“Wear them,” Cady giggles. “You’ll attract a lot of attention in that.”

The star looks down at her long, angelic robes, then back at what Cady has on. She seems to realize that, indeed, she sticks out like a sore thumb. Cady yelps and turns around when she starts tugging her robes off.

“What happened?” The girl asks in confusion.

“You can’t just get naked in front of people,” Cady huffs. “Privacy is important.”

“Oh. Privacy.” The star replies quietly. She tugs on the offered clothes and rests her robes next to her. “I’m done now.”

Cady turns back warily and chuckles when she sees her. “You put the shirt on backwards.”

“Backwards?”

“The wrong way. Come here,” Cady says. The star approaches warily, and Cady helps her turn the shirt around. “For future reference, on human clothes, there’s usually a tag. That goes in the back.”

“Human clothes are so strange,” the girl says thoughtfully, tugging curiously at her collar. She gestures to the pants. “What do you call these? The… leg tubes?”

“Pants?” Cady chuckles, guiding her back to the bed so they can have a chat. “How much do you know? About… me? Or just humanity?”

“Good question,” the star says. “For humanity as a whole, I know most of the common belief systems and usually how cultures function, basic things like that. In terms of specific things like… pants, you said?” Cady nods. “That’s not my area of expertise.”

Cady nods thoughtfully. “And me?”

“You, I only know what I’ve seen. I was assigned to you when you were born. I’ve been watching you, sort of. But I can’t see into your soul or anything, I don’t know your thoughts. I just know what would’ve been observable by anyone,” the girl shrugs.

“Assigned to me? Prove it. When’s my birthday?” Cady says slightly suspiciously, folding her arms over her chest.

“In human time, February eleventh, 2001,” the star says instantly.

“Human time…? No, never mind. Um… where is my biggest scar?” Cady asks. “And how did I get it?”

“Your… oh, what is it called… ah, your stomach. You were playing with a lion cub named Louise and got scratched. You were ten years old and required eight stitches,” the girl replies.

Cady goes quiet. Her scar isn’t visible unless she wears a crop top, and only someone who knew her as a child would know how she got it to that level of specificity. The star is telling the truth.

“Okay, I believe you,” Cady breathes. “This is… a lot for one night.”

“I wasn’t expecting to be here either, I certainly understand,” the girl chuckles sardonically.

“You still need a name,” Cady suddenly realizes. “I can’t keep calling you ‘the star’ or ‘the girl’ in my head.”

“Okay. If you say so,” the star shrugs. “You seem to have decent judgement, you can name me.”

Cady hums pensively, her eyes drifting over to the records her dad had given her to introduce her to American music. There’s a Janis Joplin record on top.

“What about Janis?” Cady asks. It suits the girl pretty well. “Like this.”

The star reads over the letters on the record sleeve and nods. “I like it.”

“Well then, Janis, we should sleep. Wait, do you even need to sleep?” Cady asks. This is all so complicated.

“I think so,” Janis says. “We’ll find out. I know I can sleep, however.”

Cady nods with a thoughtful hum before she gestures for Janis to lie on the far side of her bed. Cady inches in after her, but makes sure to leave a gap in between them. Janis wiggles comfortably under the blankets, delighted at feeling their soft texture for the first time.

“Goodnight, Janis,” Cady murmurs softly.

“Goodnight, Cady Heron,” Janis whispers back.

————-

Cady wakes with a start the next morning when she remembers there’s someone else in bed with her. Janis seems to be spooning her, which is actually kind of nice. Cady takes a moment to think about how to explain this to her parents. They’d never believe the truth, but she needs some story that will convince them to let Janis stay.

She rolls out of bed when she decides on something believable, and tucks Janis in a little tighter. Janis snuffles gently but doesn’t wake.

Cady pads down the stairs and finds her parents in the kitchen making breakfast.

“Morning, binti,” her dad says when he spots her in the hallway. Cady comes into the room staring at her feet.

“Don’t be mad,” she begins, already smacking herself mentally. That’s never a good way to start a conversation. “Um, one of my friends came over last night. She got… kicked out, she needs somewhere to stay. I don’t want her on the streets. Can she please stay here for a while?”

“Kicked out?” Her mom asks. “How do you know this girl?”

“She… she didn’t say why. I didn’t want to ask,” Cady lies quietly. She’s been close enough to the truth so far. “And, um… we met at… the observatory. The one I went to after school last week.”

“Of course she can stay. We have plenty of room, she can stay as long as she needs. Just teach her the rules and stuff,” Cady’s dad replies. Her mom looks at him unhappily, but does nod after a moment’s thought. Cady hugs them both in a mix of happiness and relief.

“Thank you. Her name is Janis, by the way,” Cady murmurs. “I’ll go let her know.”

Her parents nod and send her back up to her bedroom. Cady returns to find Janis awake and turning the lights on and off curiously.

“Hey,” she says softly. Janis jumps and whirls around to see her.

“Good morning,” Janis replies. Cady chuckles.

“What are you doing?”

“How does this turn on the light all the way over there?” Janis asks in wonder.

Cady shrugs. “Electricity, I dunno. I’m not used to it either. Um, my parents said you can stay here. I told them you got kicked out, but they think that means, like, your human parents kicked you out. But you can stay here as long as you need.”

“How lovely,” Janis says. Her stomach suddenly rumbles and she looks at it in confusion.

“You must be hungry. Come on, my parents have breakfast downstairs,” Cady giggles. “I think you’ll like waffles.”

—————-

Cady and Janis set up a routine that day. Cady teaches Janis about human life, and has an added bonus of getting help with her chores. In return, Cady gets a friend. And a cool friend, if she does say so herself.

Cady had bravely taken Janis out shopping, and the fallen star had immediately taken to fishnet tights and oversized jackets. The punk clothes suit her far more than Cady’s hand-me-downs.

Janis stays home when Cady goes to school for safety. Janis also got a phone so she can contact Cady in an emergency, so they have that. Janis knows all the rules and especially not to mess around in the kitchen. She spends most of her days learning about humanity through TV shows and other media. Janis isn’t too keen on what she finds, but Cady seems to be an outlier. She hopes more humans are like Cady.

One day, the two girls are washing the dishes after dinner. Janis washes and Cady dries. Cady suddenly fumbles drying a knife and nicks her finger.

Janis looks up in surprise when she yelps. “What happened?” Cady shows off her slightly bleeding finger. “Oh. You’re bleeding.”

“Just a little, it’s not a big deal. I’ll grab a bandaid, it’s fine,” Cady shrugs, already moving towards the first aid kit. Janis gently grabs her hands to stop her moving away.

“I can help,” she says quietly. “Please?” Cady nods gently. Janis holds the wounded finger gently between her hands and closes her eyes. Cady’s finger feels warmer, suddenly, and there’s an odd tingling sensation. “There.”

When Cady looks, the only hint of an injury is a small scar. “Wow.”

“The scar will fade slowly. I usually don’t leave them, but my abilities aren’t quite up to snuff on Earth,” Janis says shyly.

“No, it’s… wow,” Cady says again. “You’re incredible. Thank you.”

Janis flushes and looks down. “You’re welcome.”

In a momentary fit of boldness, Cady leans in and kisses Janis’ cheek. Janis squeaks in surprise and blushes harder.

“Let’s get back to it, star girl,” Cady chuckles, grabbing her towel again. Janis shuffles back over and grabs her sponge.

Cady starts noticing strange things after that day. She feels emotions that don’t totally fit her situation. She’s beginning to have memories of doing things she hasn’t done. She has knowledge of things she didn’t study.

The kicker comes one day in her French class. Cady notices she suddenly has much more energy. Her knee is bouncing uncontrollably and her mind is racing. She takes a second to check her phone when she feels it buzzing wildly in her pocket.

stargirl: CADDY WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME BOUT COFEEEe

stargirl: IS SO GOOD

stargirl: TASTE LIKE CHOCOLATE BUT NAKES MY BRAIN GO FSST I LOVE IT

stargirl: OPPS I SPELLED YOUR NAME WRONG BUT YOURE CADDY NOW

spacecadet: Janis how much coffee have you had?

stargirl: EIGT

spacecadet: Good lord, Janis. Stop drinking it and wait until I get home, please

stargirl: WHYYYYY

spacecadet: Because it’s affecting me too, and I can’t have that right now. Go run around the backyard or something. Just stop the coffee

stargirl: :(

stargirl: ohhhhhh i see now that looks like a sad face

stargirl: clever humans. i was wondering why you use that when you’re unhappy

stargirl: ok bye

Cady clicks her phone off and tries to tune back into her class, wondering what the hell is happening. She and Janis appear to share some sort of link now, if the coffee is anything to go by.

Janis is definitely coming to school with her after this.

Janis seems much calmer when Cady gets home. The caffeine crash appears to have kicked in, because she’s huddled up on the couch and staring lethargically at the ceiling.

“Hey, Jay,” Cady says softly. Janis whines and turns to look at her. “You okay?”

“Caddy, the fast juice makes my head hurt,” Janis whines again. Cady grins sadly and heads to fetch her some ibuprofen and water.

“Here, this will help,” Cady says quietly. “The headache is a part of caffeine withdrawal. I see you had a fun day.”

“I deep cleaned the whole house in two hours and the neighbors let me play with their puppy,” Janis replies. Cady chuckles again.

“Well, my parents will love having the house this clean, so good job there. But we should talk,” she says softly. “I felt the caffeine too. Just a little bit. I felt a bit of the energy, and my leg started shaking. What does that mean?”

“I’m not totally sure myself, but this can happen sometimes,” Janis replies. “I forgot about it at the time, I just wanted to help. But sometimes when I do things like healing your cut, or things like that, a bit of me… gets into you, kind of. Forms a sort of link between us. We’ll share a bit of our stronger emotions or sensations, learn things the other knows, stuff like that.”

“So… you healing my cut gave us a psychic link?” Cady asks confusedly.

“Kind of,” Janis agrees. “I can help you learn how to turn it off, in a way, if it bothers you.”

Cady shakes her head. “I kind of like it. Except when you have eight cups of coffee while I’m trying to focus in class.”

“Cady, it’s so good,” Janis says dreamily. “It’s the most wonderful human creation.”

“Well, I’m glad you had a good day, but take it in moderation. No more than two cups from here on, okay?” Cady giggles. Janis nods with a pout. “And I think… I think you should start coming to school with me. It’s only November, you won’t have missed too much.”

“But won’t it… what’s the word… embarrass you? If I say something strange? I’m still not used to humanity,” Janis asks concernedly. Cady looks away briefly.

“There’s not much more damage you can do. Nobody talks to me anyway,” she whispers. “It’ll be nice to have a friend there.”

Janis doesn’t quite know what to do here; she’s still adjusting to human emotions. But a hug seems to fit, so she sits herself up and awkwardly wraps her arms around Cady. Cady leans in and tips her head against her shoulder.

“Then I’ll go,” Janis says softly. “I’m your friend.”

Cady nods. “Thanks, Jay.”

“Oh, um… can I do something, for my sake, if I’m going to school with you?” Janis asks. “It might give you a headache for a few minutes, but you should be fine.”

“Should be? Oh boy,” Cady says worriedly. Janis positions them so they’re facing each other and gets another confirmation from Cady. She nods, and Janis reaches out and touches the center of her forehead.

Cady feels like her brain is exploding. Her mind rushes with thoughts and it feels like they’re pouring out her ears. She’s about to cry out for Janis to make it stop, but Janis ends it just before she reaches her limit. Cady is left with a minor migraine, but shockingly, no other side effects.

“What the heck was that?” She asks desperately.

“I’m sorry,” Janis murmurs. “I just made copies of the knowledge you use for school and gave them to myself. You were basically feeling all your intelligence being doubled and then half removed. But the headache fades.”

Cady supposes Janis will need to be able to do classwork and things, she needs the information. Cady can forgive a temporary headache. “Your hair.”

“What?” Janis asks, furrowing her brows.

“Your hair is brown. Here,” Cady says, touching her own roots. Janis scrambles up and runs to the bathroom to look in the mirror. Cady follows in concern. It doesn’t look bad, it’s only about a centimeter, but Cady had assumed Janis would be a natural blonde. “Are you okay?”

Janis stares at her reflection for a long moment. “Hm? Oh, yeah. It’s fine, everything’s fine.”

Cady’s part of the link floods with alarm bells saying ‘Lie. Lying. Lie.’ She decides not to question it, Janis seems distressed enough. She’ll tell her when she’s ready.

“Okay then. Come on, let’s go get your school supplies,” Cady says, reaching to hold her hand. Janis follows her away clinging to her hand tightly.

————-

Janis starts school with Cady the next week. After a fair bit of pleading, the school agreed to give Janis the same schedule so they can stick together. People still look at them oddly, but one mildly threatening look from Janis sends them on their way.

They manage to skate by relatively unnoticed until lunch. Janis hasn’t said much of anything in fear of causing a scene.

“Don’t you want to eat with the other humans?” Janis asks once they have their lunches, confused as to why Cady isn’t heading back towards the cafeteria. They get a few odd looks at the use of the term ‘other humans’, but nobody seems to think twice about it. High school is weird enough already.

“I usually don’t. I’ve been eating in the bathroom,” Cady says shyly. “Or sometimes with Ms. Norbury. I don’t think anyone would let me sit with them.”

“Well, now there’s two of us. Maybe someone will,” Janis says optimistically. Cady shrugs and decides to give it a shot.

They’re both immediately overwhelmed by the amount of people present and look around in shock. Janis is about to rescind her statement and take them somewhere else when a high, falsely sweet voice rings out from the table in the center of the room.

“Wait, why don’t I know you?” It asks. Everyone else turns to look at the two of them, seemingly in shock.

“Um… we’re new,” Cady stutters. “I’m Cady, this is Janis.”

“You’re both, like, really pretty,” the girl says.

“Uh… thanks,” Cady says.

“So you agree?”

“Huh?”

“You think you’re really pretty,” the girl says. “Or were you talking about that one? Are you some kind of-”

Suddenly, another voice comes by. “Absolutely not. Regina, stop with the mind games and kindly shut the fuck up. Nobody here actually cares what you have to say and your hair looks like hay.”

Janis yelps as she and Cady are dragged away from the table, down the hall and out the doors into the courtyard by the owner of the voice. They’re finally released once they’re under a large oak tree. They both turn to find a tall, sweet looking boy in a t-shirt with a drag queen on it.

“Sorry about that, but it’s for your own good,” he says. “I’m Damian Hubbard, token school gay and junior activities chair.”

“Oh, you’re in my French class! Well, our French class. You’re the one who wanted to go by Fantine,” Cady exclaims.

“One and the same,” Damian nods. He looks at them expectantly. Cady suddenly realizes what he wants.

“Oh! Sorry. I’m Cady, this is Janis,” Cady says. “We’re new here. Juniors.”

“Fun! Where are you guys from?” He asks.

“I’m from Kenya,” Cady says instantly. Luckily, Damian is so interested in this information that he doesn’t ask where Janis is from. Janis just quietly eats her burger while Damian and Cady chat about Africa.

“So what are your schedules like? I haven’t noticed you in my other classes,” Damian asks once his curiosity about Kenya is sated. He looks specifically at Janis. “I definitely would have noticed you.”

“Today is her first day, she’s been… homeschooled, for a while,” Cady explains as she hands her schedule over. “We have AP Calculus after this, then English.”

“Damn, AP Calc as juniors? You guys must be geniuses,” Damian says, impressed. “We have most of our morning classes together, but I have theater and study hall after this.”

“What’s up with that girl?” Janis asks suddenly, practically the first words she’s said all day. Damian looks at her in brief surprise before launching into a story.

“Regina is sort of queen bee here. Everyone calls her and her little group the Plastics, because… they… look like they’re plastic. She’s a manipulative bitch, just stay away from her. For your own good,” Damian warns.

“She seemed nice,” Cady says confusedly. “She said we were pretty.”

“Regina George is not nice!” Damian exclaims suddenly. “Sorry. I have some… history, with her. We shouldn’t get into it now. Anyway, are you guys, like, sisters?”

They both chuckle. Cady answers, “No, we’re just friends. We actually didn’t meet all that long ago. But we do live together.”

“Neat,” Damian says, not pressing and asking why they live together as just friends. “You don’t seem to talk much, Janis.”

Janis looks to Cady in concern, not knowing how to respond.

“She’s just… wary of new people,” Cady says for her. “She warms up after a while.” Janis nods as if to confirm.

“Ah, that’s chill,” Damian says. “Ew, that made me sound straight. Anyway. I usually eat lunch out here when it’s nice, if you guys want to join me. I’ll be glad to show you around.”

“Thank you,” Cady says gratefully. Janis’ instincts tell her to trust this boy, so she nods as well. The bell rings to signal the end of lunch and they all jump.

“No problem. I’ll see you in homeroom tomorrow!” Damian calls, tugging his bag over his shoulder and waving as he heads back to class.

“He seems fun,” Cady says, waiting for Janis to finish gathering her things. “And nice.”

“I like him,” Janis nods. “And I don’t trust that Regina girl. I think Damian’s right, we should avoid her.”

Cady nods. “Okay, I trust your judgement more than mine. Come on, star girl, we’re gonna be late.”

—————-

A few weeks later, Cady and Janis have officially formed a little squad with Damian. They’re nearly inseparable, and Janis is thankful for the opportunity to observe another human close-up. But she has questions.

“Caddy?” She asks one day while Cady is doing math. Janis is doing something called painting, which Cady had introduced her to. Janis likes it and does seem to have a natural aptitude for it.

“Hmm?”

“What does gay mean? Damian says he’s… whatever it is, but I’ve never heard it used before,” Janis asks.

Cady looks at her. “Um… a gay person is someone who’s attracted to the same sex, either romantically or sexually. So, Damian likes boys.”

“Oh. So I’m gay?” Janis asks. Cady chokes on the small sip of her drink she’s just taken.

“Do you like girls?”

“I think so. I’m not… totally sure what attraction is like, yet, but I’m pretty sure I’m not attracted to any man,” Janis says.

“That’s fine,” Cady says gently. “Girls who are gay are usually called lesbians. But you can also like both boys and girls, and people in between. Or nobody.”

“This is all terribly confusing,” Janis says. Cady chuckles.

“Believe me, I know. Here, you can read through this and see if anything fits. I’m sure it’ll be a little different for you, since you’re not totally… human,” Cady says shyly.

Janis takes the proffered laptop and scrolls through it. She desperately tries to ignore the bookmark on the ‘bisexual’ tab, clearly put there by Cady. That’s personal, Cady would tell her if she wanted her to know.

“I believe I am an asexual lesbian,” Janis says after about eight minutes. Cady looks at her in shock.

“You knew that quickly?”

“It’s what seems to fit best, that’s what you said I should look for,” Janis shrugs.

“Okay. Good for you, Jay,” Cady says quietly. “Proud of you.”

“Thanks,” Janis says. Cady’s eyes suddenly go wide as she looks at her. “What?”

“Your hair. More of it is brown,” Cady says.

“No,” Janis whispers anxiously, running to the vanity to check in the mirror. There’s about three inches of the dark brown now, but the rest is still her old platinum blonde.

“Janis, what’s going on? Please,” Cady begs. “What does this mean? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Janis says quietly. “It’s fine.”

Alarms go off in Cady’s head again. Janis will tell you when she’s ready. Don’t push, she reminds herself.

“You’ll tell me if something does happen, though?” Cady confirms.

“Yes,” Janis says. About anything except this. “I promise. It’s fine.”

Cady doesn’t question it further, even when she hears Janis awake all night.

————-

Janis is tidying the basement a few weeks later to help out Cady’s parents. For a bit of entertainment, she switches on the mental link she shares with Cady. They’ve discovered that if only one of them has it ‘on’, they only get the bare bones of what the other is feeling. It’s actually kind of handy.

Janis is immediately overwhelmed with stressed and anxious vibes coming through. To save herself a potentially literal headache, she flicks it back off and rushes upstairs to save Cady.

Cady jumps slightly when she comes barreling into the bedroom, but only looks up from her books briefly before she turns back.

“What’s wrong?” Janis asks.

“Nothing,” Cady says airily, but Janis can see the tension in her shoulders and the clench in her jaw. Cady can apparently feel her staring in disbelief, because she sighs and turns around. “We have a big English test next week, I’m trying to study. I’m… really not good at English.”

“You speak it well,” Janis says. “I think you’re good.”

“Thanks, Janis,” Cady chuckles sadly. “There’s just so many rules, and then there’s always exceptions to the rules. It doesn’t make sense.”

Janis has found this to be true with her studies of humans as well, so she certainly can relate. “Can I help?”

Cady grins at her affectionately. “I could use a cuddle.”

Janis heads over immediately to wrap her friend in a tight hug, resting her chin on top of Cady’s red hair. Cady sighs contently against her neck and cuddles closer. Janis squeezes her in return.

They stay like that for a long, peaceful moment before Janis suddenly gets a brilliant idea.

“Ooh! Wait here, I’ll be right back,” she says excitedly. Cady pouts at the sudden removal of her snuggles, but sits obediently back at her desk to wait.

Janis comes stumbling back in with her easel and all of her painting supplies, crashing into the room and setting everything up with a good deal of noise.

“I need to teach you some more subtlety,” Cady giggles. “What are you doing?”

“Paint,” Janis says around a mouthful of brushes. She removes them before she continues. “With me. To relax!”

“Jay, that’s sweet, but I really can’t paint,” Cady says. “I should get back to studying anyway.”

“No,” Janis insists. “I don’t know human physiology that well, but I know that’s not healthy. You come paint with me. Right now.”

Cady can’t help but giggle as she purses her lips and puffs out her chest dramatically. “Fine, fine. If you want me to waste your paint.”

“You bought it for me,” Janis shrugs. “And its whole purpose is to make things. It never says it has to be something professional or seen by others as ‘good’. If you make something with it and it helps you calm down, then I don’t see how it’s been wasted.”

“You’re awfully poetic sometimes, you know that?” Cady chuckles. “You have to help me.”

Janis nods eagerly and gets her pallet all set up. She stands behind Cady and guides her hand to help her paint a sunset, resting her chin on Cady’s shoulder and murmuring instructions into her ear. Cady seems a bit more tense than before, for some reason.

Cady does relax after a while. The texture of the thick paint flowing over the canvas is very soothing, and she has an excellent guide behind her. But the painting still isn’t turning out the way she wanted, which is frustrating.

“Relax, you’re so tense,” Janis says calmingly. “You’re shredding the brush.”

“I’m painting,” Cady grumbles.

“You’re massacring it,” Janis chuckles. In retaliation, Cady dabs some lavender paint onto her brush and swipes it over Janis’ nose. “Hey!”

Teasingly, Cady reaches out again and waggles the brush in front of Janis’ face. Janis snatches it and the pallet and dabs some yellow over Cady’s cheek. Cady gasps at the betrayal.

She grabs another brush and a bottle of cheap acrylic, squeezing some out onto another pallet that she also uses as a shield. Janis lunges again, barely managing a streak of blue down Cady’s forehead. Cady retaliates with some pink on Janis’ collarbone.

By the time Janis runs out of materials, they’re both much more colorful than they were a few minutes ago. But Cady is laughing delightedly, which was Janis’ whole goal.

Janis lunges forward and grabs her small friend, holding her close and spinning her around while Cady laughs. Janis suddenly realizes she really wants to kiss her. That’s new.

Cady cuddles close once Janis puts her down and nuzzles into Janis’ neck. “Thank you, Jay. I needed that.”

“Anytime, Birdie,” Janis replies quietly.

“Birdie?” Cady asks.

“Your name,” Janis says. “Heron. It’s a bird. I learned that humans sometimes call animals things that end with that sound for affection. Like doggy or kitty. Or birdie.”

“Cute,” Cady hums. “Herons aren’t really… cute birds, though. They’re pretty big.”

“Let me have this,” Janis pleads.

“Okay,” Cady giggles. She pushes up on her tiptoes to kiss Janis’ cheek. “I’m gonna go wash this off. Thank you.”

“Of course,” Janis squeaks, thankful that the paint hides how hard she’s blushing.

Nearly a third of her hair is brown when she checks the mirror to scrub the paint away.

————-

Janis gets home the next afternoon after a hangout with Damian to find Cady with a green face. She jumps and runs back out of their shared bedroom in fright.

“Janis, come back,” Cady laughs. “I’m just doing some skincare, it’s okay.”

“Why are you green?” Janis asks warily.

“It’s a face mask. This one has avocado,” Cady says, putting her book aside and reaching for her. “The paint yesterday kind of irritated my skin, so I’m doing this to help calm it down.”

“Oh,” Janis says. “You’re not sick?”

“No,” Cady says. “I’m perfectly fine. Face masks are actually very relaxing. Did you have fun with Dame?”

“Yeah,” Janis says absently, looking curiously at the green goop on Cady’s face. “He taught me the dance he came up with for that one Lady Gaga song.”

“Oh, really? You’ll have to show me later,” Cady giggles. “Do you wanna try a mask?”

Janis nods curiously, so Cady heads back to the bathroom to grab the pot of it. Janis eyes it warily but does let Cady lie her down and gently brush it over her face.

Cady doesn’t think for a terribly long time before she decides that straddling Janis is the best way to get it on. She’s filled with regret quite quickly, realizing this is a rather compromising position.

“You have beautiful skin,” she murmurs as she rubs the goop gently into Janis’ cheeks.

“Thanks?” Janis says confusedly. “Like, to eat? Is that what you’re doing?”

To kiss, maybe, Cady thinks, but desperately doesn’t say. “No, not to eat, goofy. But it’s very soft. Feels nice.”

Janis nods thoughtfully. Cady swipes a little bit onto her chin, and she pokes her tongue out to taste it without thinking. “Blech.”

“It’s not to eat, I just said,” Cady giggles. “It’s for your skin, it’s not food.”

“You said it was avocado,” Janis pouts.

“I said it has avocado, it has other things in it too,” Cady says. “Things that don’t taste very good.”

Janis continues pouting at the lack of food as Cady finishes covering her face. Cady suddenly realizes she’s very tempted to kiss it away. It’s romantic, in a way, to be doing this with Janis. Sharing a face mask and looking into each other’s eyes.

“What now?” Janis asks curiously. Cady goes to clean her hands off before she answers.

“Now you leave it on for a while and relax,” she responds, shoving Janis over on the bed and crawling in next to her. Janis pouts again.

“Relaxing is boring,” she whines.

“It wasn’t boring yesterday,” Cady responds. “Just talk to me.”

“About what?” Janis asks.

“I dunno,” Cady shrugs. “Um… what’s your favorite thing about Earth, so far? Besides coffee?”

Janis thinks for a while. Cady twines their fingers together in the meantime without thinking about it, giving Janis’ hand a gentle squeeze. Janis squeezes back before she answers.

“You,” she says quietly. “And Damian. Getting to know you face to face is… so much better than watching you from above. And I would never have met him if I hadn’t fallen. I got the best tour guides to Earth.”

Cady is nearly in tears at her answer. “I’m glad I can. Well, I’m not glad you fell. But I am glad it gave me a chance to meet you. I love-“ I love you.

Janis looks at her expectantly.

“I love getting to know you,” Cady finishes. That was close.

Janis grins at her adorably. “Thanks, Caddy.”

“Of course,” Cady whispers. Janis continues talking, saving Cady having to try to recover for a long moment. When the time is up Cady grabs a warm cloth to swipe the mask away with. She finds herself having to actively hold back from kissing the star beneath her.

Maybe she is still stupid with love.

—————-

Janis likes Damian. He doesn’t mind that she doesn’t speak very much, and makes an effort to get to know her anyway. They have little hangouts without Cady from time to time, just to get to know each other.

“Damian?” Janis asks quietly one day as she sits on his bed. Damian pauses his passionate cover of Hello from The Book of Mormon.

“Yeah?”

“Have you ever been in love?”

Damian pauses his backing track and comes to sit next to her. “Not real love, I don’t think. I’ve had, like, crushes and stuff, though. Why?”

“What is it like?” Janis asks. “How do you know?”

“Well, um… you think about them a lot. Want to spend time together, maybe you want to cuddle or kiss them. I always got a kind of warm feeling in my chest whenever I was around him, and it just felt… right, to be together. Like you make sense together,” Damian says. “That’s not a great explanation, sorry.”

“No, it’s-it’s fine,” Janis murmurs.

“Is this prompted by anyone?” Damian asks. “You don’t have to tell me, but I won’t tell them if you don’t want me to.”

“IthinkI’minlovewithCady,” Janis says rapidly. Damian gasps happily and looks at her, then scrambles back on the bed away from Janis. “Is that bad?”

“No, no, that’s-that’s fine,” Damian squeaks. “But what’s happening with your eyes?”

“What?”

“Your eyes are… they’re glowing. Why are they glowing, how long have they done that? Are you a witch?” Damian asks rapidly. Janis runs to look in the mirror, and sure enough, her eyes are glowing a gentle gold color.

She slaps her hands over them and presses her back against the wall. “Don’t freak out.”

“Too late,” Damian calls loudly. “Why the fuck are you glowing, Janis?!”

“Shh,” Janis hushes. “Would you shut up? It’s kind of important other people don’t know about this.”

“But why are your eyes fucking-mmph!” Damian tries to ask again, getting cut off by Janis’ hands slamming over his mouth.

“I’m gonna take my hands away,” Janis says. “And you’re gonna be quiet. I’ll explain, but you have to be calm. Or I will tape your mouth shut. Capiche?”

Damian nods, so Janis removes her hands. He takes a second to breathe. “But are you a witch?” He asks quietly.

“No, I’m not a witch,” Janis grumbles. “I’m a star.”

“You-you-you-“ Damian stutters. “Huh?”

“I’m a star. From the sky,” Janis says. “In your years, I’m about seventeen million years old. I’m Cady’s guardian star. She wished on me and I fell to Earth. And now we’re here.”

Damian blinks at her. “You’re… a star.” Janis nods. “You’re not bullshitting me?” Janis shakes her head. “Prove it. Please.”

“My eyes glowing aren’t enough for you?” Janis asks. Damian shakes his head. “Fine. Grab some sunglasses and oven mitts and meet me in your backyard.”

“What?”

“Just do it,” Janis groans, heading out to the backyard to prepare herself. Luckily, Damian lives in a pretty isolated part of the suburbs. He meets her after a few minutes wearing some cool shades and Animal Crossing patterned oven mitts. “Ready?”

Damian nods, so Janis slips her bracelets off and holds them in her hands. It takes a bit of effort to get them to shift back into her aura, which worries her, but she’ll have to deal with that later. She feels the once familiar warming sensation of her light emanating from her, and the soothing motion of her hair starting to flow down her back. The glow of her eyes is even stronger now.

Damian’s jaw drops in shock. His best friend is a star. He comes up and pokes her arm curiously with one of the mitts. There’s a sizzling noise and a small char mark on the glove, but luckily no other damage. Janis condenses her aura again, this time fashioning some cool piercings that she slips in. They fit her punk look much better. Poor Damian is still trying to process.

“You’re a star,” he says in awe. “That’s so cool! What is star world like? Do you have other star friends? How did you get to be Cady’s star? Do I have a star too?”

Janis grabs him gently and guides him back inside, promising to answer all his questions in due time. The only evidence left behind are two black footprints in the grass where she stood.

————-

Damian has a school show in February. Cady and Janis buy tickets on the first day they’re available, eager to see him in his element.

But Janis has come to a sad realization. Her hair changing colors and her waning ability to change her jewelry back can only mean one thing.

She’s becoming human.

Janis knows she doesn’t belong on Earth. She’s a star. She belongs in the sky, watching over Cady from above. If she stays much longer, she won’t be able to get back.

It’s not as if she wants to leave. She loves Cady in every way a human can love another. And recently, she’s had reason to believe that Cady loves her in return. Janis wants to experience that. But she thinks she wants to be where she belongs more.

Secretly, Janis writes letters. Three, to be precise. One to Cady’s parents to thank them for allowing her to stay with them and being so kind to her. One to Damian, to thank him for being such a good friend and sticking around to take care of Cady Earth side. And one to Cady, saying everything she wants so desperately to say out loud.

She hides them in her backpack, somewhere Cady won’t look until it’s time.

————-

Janis tries to spend as much time as she possibly can with her friends. She makes sure she can do her homework with Cady, and goes to Damian’s house after school almost every day. Neither of them complain. Cady especially doesn’t complain that Janis keeps sneaking into bed with her for cuddles in the middle of the night.

Today is a Damian day. Cady has a Mathletes competition that Janis wasn’t allowed to attend, so Janis gets to invite him over. Damian immediately pulls out a thick script and asks her to help him with his lines.

Janis does happily, curling up next to him on her bed and going off. Damian complains when she keeps giggling at his acting, but they make it through the first act mostly unscathed.

“D, can I ask you something?” Janis asks now that they’re taking a break, hanging off the side of the bed and looking around the room upside-down. Damian flops next to her and does the same.

“Sure.”

“When Caddy and I first met you, you said you had history with Regina,” Janis says. “But she’s not in our history class. What did you mean?”

“Oh,” Damian says. “No, I meant, like, personal history. Drama. We were friends in elementary school. We had dance classes together and stuff. Karen and Gretchen came along a little later and we were all buds. And then I came out as trans in middle school.”

Janis remembers seeing that term when she was researching the LGBT+ community online. She suddenly realizes this story is more personal than she originally anticipated.

“Regina was… not nice about it,” Damian continues after a shaky breath. “We were twelve. She already had some issues and stuff, and I’m honestly not sure she knew what trans meant. Not completely, anyway. She asked me what I thought I was, and I said that I knew I was a boy. And then she just kind of laughed and left me alone. I got to school the next day and there were a bunch of slurs carved into my locker. And suddenly the whole school knew.”

“Oh, Damian,” Janis mumbles. Damian cuddles closer into her when she reaches out. Janis has to hold herself back from unleashing her true form on Regina George and cooking her to a crisp. “That bitch. I’m so sorry.”

“It was what it was,” Damian shrugs. “Anyway, I didn’t know… what to do, really. I thought she would at least be willing to hear me out, learn with me. Still be my friend. But she never talked to me again. I turned around when I saw my locker and ran all the way back home. My mom took me out of school for the rest of the year and I got to go to this drama camp therapy place instead. And then I came back to school as a sophomore. And then this year I met you guys.”

“Thank you for telling me,” Janis murmurs. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Janjan,” Damian says quietly. “Can you only grant Caddy’s wishes or do I get one too?”

“I might be able to pass something on,” Janis chuckles.

“All I’ve wanted from Regina since then is an apology,” Damian says. “Just one genuine ‘I’m sorry’. I don’t even want to see her get, like, hit by a bus or anything anymore. Just that.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Janis whispers. She doesn’t have the heart to tell him it doesn’t quite work that way. But she’ll be damned if she won’t try. “In the meantime, we’re here for you. Cady loves you too, I know. You should tell her too, whenever you feel ready. She’ll support you.”

“Thanks, Jan,” Damian whispers. “Woo, this got too deep, come dance with me.”

Janis happily stands up and does their favorites dances with him. Cady joins in when she gets home, and they have their best sleepover yet. It’s a perfect day.

—————

“Janis?” Cady calls as she enters their shared room on a Thursday. Janis looks up from her easel to see her. “I have a competition tomorrow, do you want to come?”

“Yes,” Janis says immediately. She’s wanted to go to one of Cady’s Mathletes competitions since she first joined the team in the fall, but the opportunity never came up.

“Okay. What are you up to?” Cady says, coming to peek at her painting in progress. “Aww, is that us?”

Janis nods, letting her look at the vaguely abstract painting of their ‘art freak’ trio. She decides against letting her know it’s a goodbye present. That can wait.

“How sweet,” Cady says. “You’ve really improved, wow.”

“Thanks,” Janis murmurs. “How was practice?”

“Good! I think we’re ready,” Cady chirps. “Tomorrow is our biggest competition though, so I’m not sure.”

“You’ll do great,” Janis says confidently.

“Thanks, Jay,” Cady responds with a grin.

The next day after school, Janis heads to the auditorium to watch Cady compete. Cady had to wear her uniform to school, and she looks so cute in it that Janis had to walk to class alone to avoid pulling her aside and confessing everything.

She finds a seat close to the front, and on the opposite side to Cady so they can see each other easily. Janis smiles seeing her interact with her teammates. She’s glad Cady has made more friends. It’ll make things easier for both of them when it’s time for Janis to go.

—-

Cady laughs and jokes with her teammates before warm up, but she’s slyly looking for Janis too. She’s scanning the crowd for that familiar part-blonde hair.

She doesn’t find it until they head to their spots at the podium. Cady perks up when she sees her friend and waves happily, laughing when Janis waves back and gives her two thumbs up.

Cady realizes the issue a few equations in. She knows the work and how to do it, but she’s so distracted looking at Janis in the crowd that she almost misses the time. Focus, Cady.

But Janis has the widest smile on her face, watching Cady in her element, that Cady can hardly bear to look away. She shakes her head to try and snap herself back into the competition.

After a while Kevin notices her distraction, and he isn’t pleased. He looks up with her to see what she’s looking at. “Yo, Africa, get your head in the game. Talk to your girlfriend later.”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Cady hisses, but she does blush rather violently.

“Could’ve fooled me,” Kevin whispers back.

Cady grumbles nonsense under her breath and scratches down her thinking for the problem. This time she does make it and hits her buzzer to answer first. She’s tied the game. The competition goes into a lightning round, and, as always, her team picks her as their tribute.

Cady looks out to see Janis for a confidence boost, smiling when she sees Janis waving wildly at her and beaming proudly. God, why does she have to be so cute?

She doesn’t notice her time has started until almost half of it is gone, with her teammates yelling at her from behind. She scrambles to grab her pencil and tries to remember what she’s looking for in the first place. Janis, her mind supplies helpfully. Not helpful.

Luckily, the problem is on the screen behind the announcer. Find the limit. She looks back to her math again and continues penciling down her thinking, but the girl across from her slams her buzzer first.

“Shuck,” Cady grumbles under her breath as she gives her answer. Luckily, it’s incorrect and Cady has a chance to steal. “Oh!”

She feels a warm sensation in her head and faintly hears a, “You can do it.” Janis is cheering her on psychically. Cady looks again and realizes something.

“The limit does not exist!” She yells as she slams her buzzer so hard she almost breaks it. The boys erupt into cheers when the announcer reveals she’s correct and has won the event for them.

The audience breaks into polite applause as she shakes her opponent’s hand. Cady laughs as she hears a loud, “Woo!” That definitely came from Janis.

“Is that your girlfriend?” Tyler asks, pointing to the crowd.

“No! Why does everyone keep asking that?” Cady huffs. “She’s just a friend.”

“Then why are you blushing?” Marwan teases.

“Oooooooh, Africa’s crushiiiiiiiiing,” Kevin adds childishly. Cady blushes harder.

“No I’m not!”

“Dude, you were staring at her the whole competition, you almost lost it because of her,” Kevin says, suddenly much more serious. “You so are.”

“Okay, fine,” Cady admits squeakily. “Maybe I am crushing. Just a little.”

“Aww, our baby Mathlete has a crush!” Tyler coos. “And on a girl!”

Cady thinks they’d really get along with Damian. “Yeah, okay, laugh it up. But none of you say anything, I don’t think she likes me back.”

“I don’t know, she never stopped looking at you, either,” Marwan says. “It’s worth a shot.”

“Really?” Cady asks shyly. “No. Never mind. I’ll think about it.”

“We’ll take it,” Kevin says. “She’s probably waiting, you should go.”

“You guys won’t tell anyone?” Cady asks anxiously.

“‘Course not,” Tyler insists. “Go celebrate, Africa.”

Cady grins shyly. “Thanks, guys. Good competition, I’ll see you Monday.”

Janis meets her in the parking lot afterwards, startling Cady by scooping her up from behind and spinning her around.

“You won!” Janis cheers happily, wrapping her in the tightest hug Cady thinks she’s ever been in. “I’m so proud of you!”

Cady giggles in her hold. “Thanks, Jay. Did you like watching? I hope you weren’t bored.”

“No, it was fun! You’re very smart,” Janis says, linking their hands together as they start their walk home.

“You have all my knowledge too, you’re smart,” Cady says.

“I may have all the knowledge, but that sure as hell doesn’t mean I know how to use it,” Janis chuckles.

“That’s fair, I guess,” Cady chuckles. “God, I’m tired. I don’t wanna walk. Janis, carry me.”

“Okay,” Janis shrugs. Cady shrieks when she’s suddenly lifted off the ground and being carried baby-style back home. “What?”

“I was joking,” Cady chuckles anxiously. “I didn’t think you could actually carry me. I’m just surprised.”

“Do you want me to put you down?” Janis asks.

“I didn’t say that,” Cady murmurs. Janis chuckles as she cuddles into her neck and stays there the rest of their journey home.

Cady truly can sleep anywhere, because she falls asleep in Janis’ hold before they even reach their block. Janis helpfully carries her up the stairs and tucks her into bed, but she doesn’t manage to do it without waking her up.

“Don’t go,” Cady grumbles groggily, clinging to her hand.

“Okay,” Janis murmurs, crawling in after her and letting Cady snuggle into her again. Cady huffs contently. Janis is so soft and warm.

“Tell me a story.”

“About what?” Janis asks.

“I dunno,” Cady yawns. “What was your life like before you came to Earth?”

Janis nods. “Okay. I actually don’t think you’ll find it particularly interesting. I’m kind of like an intern there, I’m not old enough to really be a guardian star on my own. So I meet with the council periodically to discuss how I’m doing, and they tell me what events or other things to watch for while I observe you. Or help me grant your wishes.”

“Council?” Cady asks. She doesn’t even open her eyes.

“That’s the best way I can describe it. Elder stars, or ones that have more experience. Actually, your sun and the one you humans call Sirius are kind of like co-presidents. Council is in charge of carrying out fates, and they give final say on what wishes go through.”

“I never got anything I wished for,” Cady grumbles.

“I am sorry about that,” Janis murmurs. “They don’t work quite the way you would think. We can’t grant them literally, or you humans would realize there’s a sort of higher power at work. So when you wished for a pet cat when you were eight? I sort of… stepped in, and got those twin lion cubs to imprint on you. That’s as close as I was allowed to get.”

“I did love them,” Cady whispers. “Keep going.”

“Okay,” Janis chuckles. “Um… council also decides what happens to stars once their destinies are either fulfilled or broken. Shooting stars are the ones who get exiled for good. It’s sort of like death, but not. Every once in a while they decide who goes supernova, or who forms a black hole, things like that. I’m not sure why they decided to grant your wish literally this time. Or with me. But I’m glad they did.”

Cady puffs contently in her sleep once Janis stops talking. Janis takes that to mean that she’s glad too.

—————

Cady has definitely noticed a shift in Janis’ energy over the last while. Janis doesn’t talk as much, or smile as much. She seems to be making an effort to be with Cady and Damian as much as possible. Cady worries, but Janis promised to tell her if something was wrong.

So, they get ready for Damian’s show together. Janis looks dashing in her floral patterned dress and leather jacket, and Cady nearly matches in her own black dress and pink sweater. They’re opposites, but still go together. It’s rather fitting.

They head in together, holding hands as the house lights go down. They don’t let go.

Damian is a marvelous performer. Cady and Janis cheer by far the loudest when his curtain call comes, but it’s hard to tell over the applause of the rest of the crowd.

They meet him in the wings and hand over the flowers they bought on the way there.

“Dame, you were incredible!” Cady cheers, throwing herself at him for a hug. He catches her and holds her close happily.

“She’s right, it was killer,” Janis agrees. She knows she sounds rather melancholy and tries to keep that out of her voice. “Proud of you, dude.”

“Thank you,” Damian says happily. “Let’s go celebrate.”

He takes them to Waffle House for dinner. Cady is delighted, and Janis is cheered up a little just watching her with her favorite food. Her plan was to leave tonight. Maybe she can wait until tomorrow.

Janis snaps out of her thoughts for the time being and chats animatedly with her friends. They watch horror movies in their pajamas back at Damian’s house for a sleepover. Cady hides in Janis’ lap the whole time. Janis doesn’t mind.

Janis doesn’t sleep, either. Cady is snuggled into her chest, snoring quietly. Janis kisses her forehead, and the corners of Cady’s mouth tick up in a little smile. Cady cuddles in closer and snuffles contently. Janis stays awake to watch her all night.

Janis can’t bring herself to say goodbye. It’s not as if she wants to leave the only… family that she’s ever known. But she has to. Janis leaves the letters with each of her friends and heads into the woods nearby before they wake.

Cady wakes with a start. Janis is gone.

There’s a letter where she was when Cady drifted off in her warm, soft hold. Cady tears into the one addressed to her.

Cady,

I’m sorry. If you’re reading this then I’m gone.

I don’t belong here, I think you and I both know that. I need to go back. I think I granted your wish well enough. And now you have Damian. I know he’ll stick by you through anything, like you wanted.

Thank you for being my friend. I don’t think I could’ve asked for a better human to be assigned to. Even without my intervention, you’re number one. Keep that going. Keep being you.

I wish I could stay longer, but if I wait any more it’ll be too late. I’m already fading. You wanted to know why my hair turned brown. It changed color because I’m becoming human. I think I have you to thank for that. If I could stay it would’ve been a good thing. Because one of the most human things is to love.

Thank you for showing me what that means. Even though I practically forced my presence into your life, you accepted me with open arms. You treated me like a friend. You helped me adapt to a place I never imagined I would see. Thank you.

I love you so much, Cady. I wish I could’ve told you in person. I wish I could’ve known what it’s like to kiss you, to feel your touch. To hold you close and call you mine. But it would be too hard to leave you if you knew how I feel. You’ll find someone else. I know you will. I just hope you’re happy at the end of the day, my little bird.

I’ll always remember you. If you ever get lonely, you know where to find me. I’ll be there to watch over you, always. I love you.

Shine bright for me, little star.

Love,

Janis

Cady bursts into tears when she reaches the end of the letter, startling Damian awake.

“Wuzzamatter?” He asks blearily. “Where’s Janis?”

“She’s gone,” Cady sobs. “She said she has to go back.”

“No,” Damian says, scrambling for his own letter. “She can’t be gone.”

“She didn’t even say goodbye,” Cady weeps. “And-and I never got to tell her how much I love her.”

“You guys have a-a link, right?” Damian asks frantically. “Maybe she hasn’t left yet, maybe-maybe we can talk her out of it.”

Cady needs a miracle right now. She focuses hard and turns the connection on, like Janis taught her to. Almost like a compass points north, she feels a compulsion to go west, towards the woods nearby.

“She’s that way, if she’s still here,” Cady sniffles, pointing to the wall. “Come on.”

Damian runs after her barefoot, both of them still in their pajamas. They run almost ten blocks, then hit the edge of the woods. Both of them desperately ignore the rocks and sticks poking their feet as they run into the forest.

A blinding light shines through the trees, and they both wince for a second. Are they too late?

“She’s this way, come on!” Cady yells, running full tilt into the light. “Janis!”

They suddenly burst into a clearing, and Janis lies in the middle. Her light surrounds her, and she seems to be floating.

“Janis!” Cady yells. “Wait, please! Don’t leave! Janis!”

Janis doesn’t react. Cady doesn’t know if she can’t hear her, or if she just won’t. As quick as they noticed it, the light fades, and Janis is gone.

“No,” Cady whimpers. “No, no, please.”

She stumbles forward to where Janis was, frantically feeling around in the grass and mud for any sign of her. All that’s left is ash.

Damian lets her cry and scream for a while before he comes to pick her up and guide her back home. “I know, Cads. I know. She’s still-she’s still here. She’s just back in the sky now. Where she belongs.”

Cady clings to him and sobs, so Damian picks her up to carry her away.

Cady pauses her desperate cries when a warm sensation hits her. She opens her eyes and is nearly blinded by another flood of light. “Janis.”

She scrambles out of Damian’s hold and runs back to the clearing. The light is so bright it hurts, but Cady presses on.

Just like the first time, Janis lies in the grass bathed in warm light. She’s not breathing, but her eyes suddenly shoot open and she gasps for breath. But this time she starts to cry.

“Janis,” Cady cries desperately. Janis quickly condenses her aura so Cady isn’t burned when she leaps into her. “What happened?”

“Cady,” Janis sobs. “I’m so sorry.”

“Why did you leave?” Cady demands gently. “Why-why didn’t you even say goodbye?”

“It hurt too much,” Janis chokes. “To know-to know I’d never see you again. I had to do it while I had the nerve.”

“And you-you didn’t think I’d miss you? You didn’t think I would want to say goodbye?” Cady sobs.

“I’m sorry,” Janis whispers, pulling her in. “I’m so sorry.”

Cady accepts the offered comfort and sobs into Janis’ shoulder for a long time. Janis lets her, and buries her own face into Cady’s neck. After a while, Cady chokes, “Why did you come back?”

“It’s not important,” Janis says immediately.

“Yes it is, Janis! I’m happy you’re back, but you can’t keep lying to me,” Cady insists. “Or yourself. What happened?”

“I… I’ve been kicked out,” Janis mumbles. “For good this time. I can’t-I can’t get back.”

“Oh, Jay,” Cady whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

Janis breaks down even harder, clinging to her and mourning the loss of her true home. Cady watches as her hair changes color for the final time, half dark brown and half her original platinum blonde. Half human, half star. Janis’ eyes glow briefly before fading to a gorgeous chocolate brown, and the jewels she’s made from her aura turn heavy. The transformation is complete.

“I’m so sorry,” Janis whimpers. Cady cups her face and looks into her eyes. They can both barely see through their tears, but neither of them care.

“Just don’t leave again,” Cady murmurs softly.

“I can’t, now,” Janis jokes weakly. She’s silenced by a glare from the redhead straddling her lap. “I won’t. I didn’t-I didn’t want to in the first place. I just knew I had to try. And I… I meant what I said. In the letter. Every word.”

“Good,” Cady whispers around a small sob. “Because I mean this.”

Janis gasps quietly as Cady pulls her in and slams their lips together. Cady kisses her hungrily, desperately, telling her everything they both need to hear without words. Janis can feel her soft but firm grip, can taste the salt of their tears mingling on their lips. She can hear the soft sniffles let out intermittently, can reach out to touch and pull her redhead closer, she can smell Cady’s cherry shampoo.

Janis has never felt more human.

Cady pulls back and tips her forehead to rest against Janis’. “I love you. I love you so much, my star.”

“I love you too, my little bird,” Janis murmurs. “So much.”

“You’re smiling,” Cady says with slight confusion.

“I’m happy,” Janis responds with a shrug. “Maybe I can’t go home anymore, but… I have you. I get to learn what it’s like to love you. You’re my home now. All I’ll ever need.”

Cady chokes out a sob and kisses her again. “I’ll help you. I’ll guide you like you did for me. We have each other.”

Damian comes bursting into the clearing then, dripping wet and panting slightly. Janis gently removes Cady from her lap and runs full tilt towards him.

He catches her with a small grunt, but holds her close. “You’re back.”

“Forever,” Janis confirms. “I’m sorry.”

“The only thing you have to apologize for is that fucking light of yours,” Damian grumbles. “I couldn’t see when you came back and I fell in the pond.”

So that’s why it had taken him so long to find them. “I’m sorry about that, too.”

“You’d better be,” Damian huffs. “What happened?”

Janis turns to look at her love, who is now lying on her stomach and chatting animatedly with a squirrel. Janis doesn’t think her old star magic had anything to do with it, that kind of thing just seems inherent to Cady.

“She happened,” Janis whispers. “She’s been the answer from the beginning. I just know it now.”

Cady looks up when she feels their gaze on her, smiling when she sees Janis. She comes running towards them when Janis reaches out for her. They hear a quiet gasp when they both lean in for a kiss.

“What happened, Dame?” Cady asks worriedly when they pull back.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Damian grumbles. “Can we get you lovebirds home so I can dry off?”

“Yeah, come on,” Cady chuckles. She stands in the middle and holds both of their hands, clinging to Janis especially tightly. They leave Damian at his house with the promise to meet again for lunch before heading back to their own.

Cady lies down on her bed, exhausted from the morning, and pulls Janis down with her. Janis falls with a gentle huff and cuddles in closer.

“Jay?” Cady murmurs against her chest.

“Hmm?”

“Why did you get kicked out?”

“The first time, I didn’t know. I was never great at being a star either, I thought council deciding to grant your wish with me meant I was being fired, basically,” Janis chuckles. “That’s why I was so crabby. I’m sorry about that, by the way.”

“And this time?” Cady asks quietly.

“Because I was meant to,” Janis says, stroking through Cady’s hair gently. “All along.”

“Huh?”

“Stars work a little differently from humans,” Janis says. “We have destinies, fates we have to fulfill. We’re kind of like puppets, in a weird way. We don’t even get to know our own destinies. Humans don’t have them, you’re- we’re- free to make our own decisions. Every once in a while a star just grants a wish to give you a little nudge in the right direction.”

“So… your destiny was to-“ Cady stumbles.

“To be with you,” Janis finishes. “From the moment the universe was created, we were destined to be together. I just didn’t know it until now.”

“So we’re like soulmates?” Cady asks, tipping up to look at her. Janis presses a sweet kiss against her lips before she answers.

“Kind of,” Janis agrees. “But it was never foretold what our relationship was meant to be. We could’ve stayed friends, or been… enemies, or just strangers who met in passing. You could’ve kicked me out when I showed up in the backyard and that would’ve been that. Or you could’ve waited to make that wish until you were eighty years old, we’ll never know. All that was ever dictated was that we meet and I stay near you. Falling in love was our doing. And now that I’m a human, I don’t have a destiny anymore. I’ve been fulfilled. I make my own life. The rest is up to us, now.”

Cady blinks at her. “Then I’m glad it turned out this way. I love you.”

“Me too, my little star,” Janis murmurs back. “Me too.”

I love you more than all the stars in the sky.

thanks for reading!! i apparently have hit the maximum number of text blocks (tumblr, ew) so get ready for a text block!! in some sad news, there will not be a new chapter next week. i need to take some time for myself for the sake of my own mental health. i’ve noticed a few little inklings of burnout, which is not what i want!! i want to continue this and give you guys quality stuff to read. im hoping that this will give me a chance to build up a cache of works so i’m not scrambling to write in a week to get stuff posted, and that will give me more time for myself. in some bittersweet news, this is also my last (for now) original idea! from here on i’ll be reliant on requests to keep going. im gonna finish some older ones and then hopefully, finally, open them up again!! yay! anyway, thank you all so much for reading, i hope you enjoyed!! lots of love, ezzy

#cadnis #paint by numbers #space safari #cady heron x janis sarkisian #cady x janis #cady heron #janis sarkisian #damian hubbard #regina george #gretchen wieners #karen smith #mean girls #mean girls musical #mean girls broadway

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rippingattheseams · 3 years

Text

(this is a really long and messy vent post so like feel free to ignore this i just want to write whats going on in hopes of it making me feel better)

okay so yesterday was my first day of this stressful summer camp thing i have to do for a scholarship program and it’s literally just school in the middle of june and after freaking out abt it enough it turns out my grandma, who ofc is the only one besides my brother who doesnt seem to forget i’m there likely has stage 5 kidney failure (which is fatal) and i’m probably gonna have to go and see her within a week and the only death i’ve experienced of someone close to me is my dog when i was 9 and i forgot how awful it feels. i also was talking to my only friend about stuff because i’m getting my fourth therapist after finally starting to kinda open up to the last one but now she’s also leaving (she should be back in fall cause she’s having her kid but it still sucks cause i was starting to feel okay with her) and even though i never was able to tell her a lot of going on and she never gave advice she just let me vent, i still don’t want to see another one but back to the original point me and my friend were on ft and i found two of my old diaries from 1st grade and 3-5th grade and although it was mostly funny cause i was a fucked up kid who did fucked up things and couldn’t spell (and still can’t tbh) some of it was depressing especially considering how young i was. there was stuff about how i was so lonely and you could tell just by how much i wrote about this friend that i really relied on her for so much and not really in the venting kind of way i just liked her so much cause she was the only one who didn’t judge me or leave me. i didn’t have many friends throughout elementary and none of them except for her talk to me now. i finally opened up to her about why i loved going to her house so much as a child and why i still feel so emotionally attached to her family despite them not really liking me anymore. as a kid my household sucked tbh. i remember going to her house for the first time and got confused on why they all ate dinner together and didn’t go off to their rooms. up until a littoe over a year ago i’ve never really had a family dinner (and now it’s just my mom making me sit with her in the living room cause after she found out i was cutting in 7th grade she wanted to keep an eye on me and we just watch tv now and eat which isn’t that bad cause i have a good relationship with her now) but my parents always fought, often physically, and my dad was always drinking and my mom was constantly tired. it’s still the same but without as much fighting, which ofc i’m grateful for, but i still hold so much resentment towards my dad mostly, but my mom too. my dad really does love me, and i know it, and it genuinely hurts him when im annoyed or angry with him. i feel so guilty but he was so awful to me and blamed me for a lot, and still does, and is narcissistic and has awful anger issues. in the last year or so ive really started to realize that this isn’t normal. my childhood consisted of so much and i just thought everybody went through it. i want to truly love my dad again but everytime he actually does or says something decent it just makes me remember all of the shitty things he did to me and my mom. going back to my friend i keep bringing up, i was always so jealous of her. her family really loved her, she has a sibling who actually lived with her and cared about her, teachers loved her, other kids did, her house was nice and everything worked, she was skinny, she was pretty, she lived in a nice neighborhood with other kids in her neighborhood she got to play with. i always wondered why i was never able to experience it. i still do. i mean i don’t want to just sit here and feel sorry for myself, but sometimes that’s really all i have the energy to do. everytime i think i’m finally getting better, this happens again. i was also in the internet way too young, and got groomed too many times. a lot of older men were creepy to me irl too. i’m starting to see how its affecting me now and how i’m like hypersexual until anything remotely intimate happens to me, even if it’s as small as a hug from family, and it makes me so

uncomfortable. i don’t even remember getting “the talk” i just knew everything from the interne. i even got porn bots sending me explicit shit in the 3rd grade. my friend was the best thing that ever happened to me, if i’m being honest. i was an awful friend to her because i’d randomly get mad at her for not doing anything and would stop talking to her. i was like a stereotypical toxic friend all through elementary and i’m still not sure why. i would randomly cut her off but every time i apologized cause i realized she was the only one i had left, she’d always accept. she honestly shouldn’t of, because i didn’t deserve it. she was always a pushover and i was always the pusher (for lack of a better word lmao) but i haven’t done anything like that to her in years. it’s embarrassing but i’m glad she did end up sticking through it with me since if we weren’t friends now, i probably wouldn’t be here. she is quite literally the reason i stopped halfway through my attempt in 7th grade. i couldn’t lose her and i knew i couldn’t do this to her. i was only ever mean to her in elem cause i never knew normalcy and just wanted to be like the popular kids and so i would try and mimic them to make myself less weird. it never worked, obviously, but honestly the fact that she put up with my bs for so long is a miracle.

#please feel free to ignore this i just want to write it out don’t feel obligated to comment or dm me of your worried i’m gonna be fine :)

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neo-shitty · 3 years

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toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

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myfoofoo · 4 years

Text

This is about shipping, because some of you are acting like you lost your mind....

Lemme just point this out before anyone else does.

-Yes I’m aware this post is long. Get over it.

-Yes I’m aware the anti shipping here isn’t as bad as other fandoms

-I will only post this type of stuff here just this once okay? I’m sorry for the inconvenience, just block me if it bothers you so badly...

-I’m only saying this here because people decided to go to the crankiplier tag and be rude, and no I wasn’t triggered just off that. This has been a thing for awhile, that was just the last straw for me

-Mark or Ethan if you see this I’m so sorry, I’m just sick of this now

ok can i just say i love all the people who go in anon asks or say shit in the crankiplier tag talking shit like....funny thing is most of you would not be saying shit irl would you? LMAO No you wouldn’t you cowards, so don’t say it here. Ya’ll need to chill okay? Literally nobody’s trying to fight you. I don’t know if you guys are having an episode or some shit, but you need to chill trying to fight each other literally won’t fix a damn thing will it? I’m legit trying to say this as calm as possible because I’m actually fuming right now.

STOP. PLEASE. JUST. STOP.

This shit is seriously going too far and the sad part is most of you think you’re being a hero. I don’t know what happened to cause you all to be angry last night. But you going over to the crankiplier tag or ANY ship tag just to talk shit is fucking childish. Don’t ever feel proud of yourself for what you’re doing right now.

And don’t pull that “We’re sticking up for...” you’re doing it terribly by the way. Don’t use that as an excuse for how ignorant you are acting. Some of you are chill so just ignore this. No matter if you’re a shipper or not, nobody should be harassed to the point they get anxiety. Nobody should be generalized because a select group of people fucked up. I really don’t want to fight anyone but this is just disappointing and gross to witness. Do you actually feel proud of yourself for hurting complete strangers?? I thought this fandom was supposed to be welcoming not full of assholes who don’t understand the full story but still label you “toxic” anyway.

I literally respect tf out of Amy and Mika and I respect tf out of Mark and Ethan. I’ve literally kept everything to myself and most of us have??

One thing I want to make clear, I know you mean well...I know you’re just trying to keep the boys safe and I am literally with you on that...but this isn’t the way to solve that. Fighting each other won’t solve this. I admit before someone tries to use this against me I did write a VERY...very aggressive thing towards anti shippers, but I felt bad so I want to redo it.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you had bad personal experience with shipping.

I’m sorry if you witnessed the septiplier shit in 2016

I’m sorry if you’re going through personal baggage and we’re you’re only outlet.

I’m sorry if shipping makes you uncomfortable.

But being rude to each other? Will not fix it. I respect you if you don’t like shipping. That is entirely fair and I have no problem with that. It’s the way you guys handle it that makes me want to punch the fuck out somebody. lmaoo

Handle it in a mature way. Not like this. You don’t have to like us, that is fair.

But don’t you fucking dare compare us murderers, to pedos, to stalkers. And yes I’ve seen someone say it before. Don’t you ever compare us to that nasty shit.

You do not know ANY of us personally nor will you ever. Don’t try to judge our characters just because of one trivial thing. It’s childish and disgusting.

Remember Natsuki’s poem? “Amy likes spiders”? I’m sure most of you know what I’m talking about. You remember what that poem was about? Don’t judge a person just because of ONE characteristic about them, it just makes you an ignorant jerk. And I’m sure most of you even agreed with that poem....kinda hypocritical ain’t it??

Can we please...PLEASE just chill out?? This fandom is supposed to be like a family, not a constant battle. It doesn’t need to be like this. Like ever. So please let’s just stop with this....please.

And no before people start whining, no I am not supporting the people who harassed the boys. I’m not supporting people who tag Mark or Ethan or ANY youtuber with smut. No I am not supporting the people who called Amy and Mika nasty names.

I am supporting the people who kept it to themselves. I am supporting the people who respected the boys wishes and either changed their ways of shipping or posted in their rightful tag. I am supporting the people who are probably too afraid to stick up for themselves when people are literally shouting at them. I am supporting the people who ship because it’s the only thing that makes them smile during hard times. I am supporting the people who did nothing to hurt you or anyone in anyway.

ANYWAY, I’m not gonna fight ya’ll not worth the energy honestly. Stay safe, stay sane in quarantine, it’s pretty rough right now. Wash your hands. Goodbye.

Wait I forgot Ethan and Sean literally said shipping IS FINE just don’t go harassing people. Sean literally said in the video “Don’t fight each other over this..” And yet you’re doing the opposite. THIS IS WHAT YOUR FUCKING WORDS ARE CAUSING

ARE YOU DEADASS PROUD FOR GIVING SOMEONE PANIC ATTACKS????

REALLY?? OVER THIS??

Before I blow up lemme just...don’t feel proud of this. This is not okay. Shipper or not. Don’t give people this much fear. I’m staying out of the tags for awhile until ya’ll finally decide to grow up. This is depressing...

Small update: Please don’t put other people’s toxic actions on all of us. We are not their parents, we don’t control them in anyway. I literally put out friendly reminders not to harass the boys, that’s all I can do. Otherwise it’s literally out of our control. If people spam a ship name in their streams, like wtf am I supposed to do??? I’m not a mod, I’m not a goddess, I can’t just magically ban them, I wish I could because I hate that shite too lmao. Also, yes quarantine sucks ass right now. But just because you’re bored does not mean, come over and be mad at us. Or whatever th ya’ll excuse is these days. Nobody asked lmao.

#markiplier #crankgameplays #crankiplier

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katal0gue · 4 years

Text

no offense but i feel absolutely fucking awful about a bunch of things and i am going to blog about them (binge eating cw)

You make me feel so much and I feel like I am always trying to figure out your humor and how your brain works and it does not help that it seems to be supported by your whole friend group, creating this impenetrable cloud of references and jokes and meanings and levels of irony around you that i will never fully Get, not because I’m too earnest but because our snark is often aimed in opposite directions. Why is the only thing that has made me feel better about this that “cringe and cancel culture” joke I reblogged last night. Seeing you hate on astrology and polyamory in a “kids these days” way is making me want to rip my fucking hair out

On that note why is everyone else’s aggression seen as Powerful And Necessary and mine is seen as like, a wild animal who needs to be controlled. Yesterday my boss told me “don’t get upset!” after I responded in an annoyed tone to her saying “no, no, no, no, NO! why would you do THAT” in response to me explaining how I was going to put in a kids’ schedule (after wee talked it out I was right lol) when like a) girl that ship has SAILED and b) you! are! the! one! getting! upset!

The online version of the above is that when you participate in cringe culture or what the fuck ever that is just you being a hilarious lovable grouchy old man but when I do it it’s because I’m a toxic evil monster

I am lonely. I feel like I agree with a lot of things people in my circles sort of scoff at and am sort of scoffing at a lot of things people in my cirlces agree with and I would just like to have a strong sense of mutual understanding with people, I want someone to make eye contact with and nod, I want someone to be in the audience when I stare at the camera. I have this with some people about certain specific issues but then we’ll disagree on something and I’ll conclude that Specific Issue was actually superficial and REAL connection is about [thing i perceive to be Deeper] but its actually all just a bunch of bullshit and I am a lonely idiot

I am lonely. I want irl friends who I can see and hear and hug and do irl activities with. I have not been out to a party since New Years Eve, which is not quite as bad as I thought now that I’m actually reflecting on it, and the winter is better staying-in time than the rest of the year, but like....when I do want to be out and about, who am I going to do that with. I want gal pals. I want bros and broettes. Please for the love of god someone friendzone me, I need some friends. I am so fucking self conscious about how I socialize, and what is and is not Cool, and how much the definition of Cool changes. It’s all a bunch of bullshit and I am a lonely idiot. My brother and I are good friends I think but he does so much Man Bullshit to me like acts like I’m talking his ear off when I say lke two sentences meanwhile will talk At me and my mom and the room at large pointlessly for literal hours and get mad when any single one of his Jokes or Comments is met without a response. And I know he’s irritated with a ton of things that I do as well.

Regarding the two above bullets, I will say that my online friendships (which I am including irl friends who no longer live close to me in) have improved a lot recently as I have Gotten Real with myself about a lot of things and allowed myself to set boundaries. I am acting more respectfully to myself and to you guys i think? But I just need irl stuff too.

I have no idea where I want to live. I can’t live in my parents house on long island forever and it’s getting to be to much to just live there on the daily because we’re all getting on each other’s nerves. But I don’t know where else I would want to live. I mostly know what i don’t want: not someplace cold, not someplace too far inland. But the latter point is the sticking point because while Long Island is Very Expensive, so is pretty much anyplace near enough to the ocean, and like, the ocean is my wife. I know that is irrational but she is my wife and we are in love. I want to live someplace non-bougie that is also magically a beach town. So that is all compounding the above issue of IRL Friends because I do not even know where I want IRL to take place.

My body is under scrutiny in my house and I just want to make sure it’s okay. I have been WAY better with moderate aerobic exercise and resistance training (go me!), but I’ve been slacking with stretching (which is even more important now that I’m doing strength training) and I fucking hate intense aerobics with my entire heart. The thing I hate the least right now is the elliptical but god it is still so boring and sucks. Swimming is my favorite cardio but it’s not very accessible to me at this moment and there’s no public pool in my town and I would have to pay to use the one in the neighboring town. I love dancing but I don’t have anyplace to do it (maybe the basement when no one is home) and wouldn’t know where to start with making it into a workout - I really fucking hate following videos. Sorry this is so whiny and self defeating. Food wise I just keep bingeing. My diet is not perfect outside of that but it’s not as bad as it used to be, but the binging. Every single night. It’s literally self harm but it’s the only thing that makes me feel like I’m not being punished because everything else does.

I want to get along with my dad but similar to my brother on a way more intense scale he just is such a man and it is really grating. Again, I know I am also grating, two negatives don’t make a positive and we just keep pissing each other off. I’m getting better at not showing it.

I keep having terrible, disturbing dreams: i am violent to others, others are violent to me, there’s always some kind of work/school stress in the picture so sleeping isn’t even relaxing, I just wake up stressed. Maybe it’s because I keep stuffing my face before sleeping.

I feel like I am not very good at my job and keep making stupid mistakes, because I cannot focus, because I keep thinking about the above bullets nonstop. I am not a very good leader and managing people is so difficult and I say sorry like 850 times a day and everyone thinks I’m a fucking idiot. Or maybe they think that I’m not only an idiot but an idiot who tries to use Big Words. Which i guess i am. fuck me huh!

i want a baby really, really badly lmao. But I don’t know enough about myself to really begin dating I feel, like I keep going on “dates” that end up not being dates and actually end up just me making out with some guy, which is fine but I want romance, but don’t know how or where to find it, or what I even want in a partner lol, or where we would live together or what my career would be or anything lmao. I just find everyone annoying, especially myself.

I can’t stop thinking about stuff from the past and reliving feelings, mostly irritation, like the thing just happened a second ago. These aren’t memories of trauma or violence just of things that were incredibly annoying, usually condescending.

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damnrightobsessedwithim · 4 years

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just me ranting

i know yall dont really know me irl but i need somewhere to rant so here goes nothing. You might just wanna scroll. its personal and a lot.

im so depressed for many reasons at the moment. lets see.... i keep getting told that people are thinking good things and wanting to be with you. but thats hard to believe when like none other than 3 people have talked to me all quarantine and half of everyone who says there my "friend" are never really there unless they are bored or need me for stuff, never when i need them, like its so annoying i dont belong anywhere,and i wish people knew the effect that them ignoring me has on me. it just sucks that i feel like im worthless, and thats bc i think no one really likes me. im so over fake friends. i cant keep letting myself believe i have true friends bc i always get hurt. like before this whole thing i was always left out unless i put myself there even then no one really cared unless it benefited them. which once again hurt me.i have never felt involved, ever, no matter how hard i try.

i try to drown all my sadness out by watching tv or litsening to music but it doesnt work. I'm still depressed, there's literally nothing anybody can do. There are so many times I just wish I was in another world. who aren't Very many people who understand me. or what I'm going through. I have horrible depression and I've had it for a long time all because of one thing that happened to me. I can tell you in the form of story. Once upon a time, there was a little girl. 6 years old she lived with her mother and stepfather in the small town of Unicoi Tennessee. She only got to visit her biological father once in a blue moon.

Why do you ask?

Well her father was a horrible individual there were times when she was visiting him that he would get so drunk or mad to the point that he would throw things and hurt his daughter and girlfriend to the point of hospital visits.

Well, the time was coming up for the girl to go see her father again and this time she was excited because she would be spending a whole week with him and his new wife and kids. And as soon as she arrived she knew he was once again drunk. But she wanted to make the best of it. It was her birthday after all. But this would be the worst birthday she has ever faced.

That night her father was drunk off his mind. He decided to wake his daughter up and he did the unthinkable.

I was that little girl. I waited for almost 8 years to tell someone my father raped me. I told my science teacher in middle school. She listened to me. She got me help. He is gone and I will never have to deal with him again nobody will. But I do have other things I have to deal with.

Ever since this happened I have been depressed. I didn’t know it at the time. I was only a girl. But I was. Soon enough I was going to counseling. I have been going to counseling since I was six years old.

At a young age, I was diagnosed with Disorganized Schizophrenia, Major and seasonal depression disorder, BPD(borderline personality disorder), ADHD, ADD, OCD, and PTSD all said to have sprung out because of what had happened to me. It happens to a lot of people. Some people have it but it never shows. And others have it and it won’t show till a traumatic event. That’s what happened to me. But that’s what makes me who I am. I know I am much a bigger person than he will ever be. That’s one reason I share my story.Depression. This is not me being lazy, ungrateful or selfish. This is me dealing, sometimes suffering, with depression. This is my demon running its black toxins through my head, poisoning my thoughts and feelings.

I use Arthur help me get out of my head. he helps me calm down. gives me someone to relate to. he's always there for me. yes I know he's a character, fictional character, but he still helps me.

there are times when I don't want to continue. then I think, “ what would Arthur tell you?” He is my Safe Haven. he is what helps me sleep at night. when I have bad dreams I think of him lying next holding me tight telling me, “ everything going to be okay, I have you, I'm here with you, no one and nothing can hurt you”. He makes me unimaginably happy. I just wish I had something or someone to tell me those things when I get sad. I need my own Arthur Fleck.

I'm sorry to you people who have requested things. not in the right mindset to write right now. but I will as soon as I can. if you did read this all. I thank you. for putting up with this.

#idk what to do anymore #i need Artie #im sorry #yall dont have to read

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tandytoaster · 5 years

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I’m gonna be a fuckin bitch for this post and i’m not really sorry i don’t think.

So i’m in college. For social work. To help people. You know. Getting my life together. And in the beginning I made a friend who likes nintendo games and i was like OH BOY, MAYBE THEY LIKE METROID. they did not and i have continuously made the mistake of associating with this kid. Like almost every day he does something that makes my skin crawl with the feeling of “oh my god i canNOT relate to this kid at all”.

At first my issue with him was that he reminded me exactly of Tristan except not evil. My second issue was just that he gave me wicked secondhand embarrassment. My third issue is that I have not the slightest idea why he’s still in this course, he has proved time and time again that he has learned nothing.

The first red flag that went up for me was personal because he reminded me of Tristan. The second one went up when he said that he felt gay people were shoving their gayness down people’s throats and that he was sick of the rainbow flag. When he first said that I was like, are you fucking kidding me? I told him about the ratio how many straight movies there are compared to gay ones, I told him about how the rainbow flag is a symbol of safety and acceptance, WE HAVE ONE IN OUR GODDAMN CLASSROOM. He told me that in highschool almost every classroom had a gay flag in it and almost everyday there was a class discussion about it. I asked him if it was the students or teachers who brought it up and he said “mehhhh it was the students” SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT TELLS ME? THAT THOSE WERE GAY OR TRANS STUDENTS NEEDING ACCEPTANCE. AND YOU’RE HERE IN FRONT OF ME, IN FRONT OF THIS RAINBOW FLAG, COMPLAINING ABOUT THEM. He wanted to “agree to disagree” about it but I was like “no man your views are potentially harmful”. People overheard us arguing and they sided with me, the student council president i think it was spoke to us and said (in response too “theres too much gay stuff”) “I’m actually trying to get them to paint the crosswalks here rainbow”, so like, take that.

And we talk about this stuff in class fairly often. We’ve spoken about the importance of symbols, identity, flags, safe spaces, we get DEEP into it. But you know what this kid does all class? He looks at memes or plays fire emblem heroes on his phone, sometimes he plays his whole ass switch in class. OR! or or or, he gets up and leaves in the middle of a lesson that holds CRITICAL information that would help him become less ignorant and prejudiced. Just the other week we were talking about how straight people will never know the struggle, the oppression, that nonstraight people face, and of course this kid was just playing on his phone, and ohohoho the instructor called him on it and got mad and it was honestly? So satisfying.

So I had to be the one to explain to him what oppression is and how fuckign serious it is. People fucking die man. This was around the time the whole “gays own splatoon” thing happened and the dude was SO upset about it. I was like “.... you realize those are all jokes right? Nobody means anything by it”. He sort of got it but one thing he said is like, big fuckin yikes. He said he seen a meme on the drawing feature or whatever that said “straight people suck at splatoon” or something and he said he was actually offended by that and if it wasn’t for the fact that his best friend is a lesbian, these jokes that he’s seeing would probably turn him into a little bit of a homophobe. And because I had to be civil and he did want my help I was like “you have to work on that, you NEED to do something about that”. Because you can’t be like that in general and you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT be like that going into the field we’re going into.

I wish he paid attention in class so then he wouldn’t come to me to ask “hey how do i not be homophobic” and get me all mad but then i cant get mad because that doesnt help either of us. at least its good practice for the future and any weirdos i get in my career.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh “at least”. That’s one of his favourite things to say :))))))))) at least at least at least AT LEEAST. We’ve been through a semester and a half of counselling skills and you still have not learned how to properly console people. “At least” belongs in a pity pile, “At least” is you saying “youre problems arent THAT bad :)” you think it sounds nice but really youre just belittling the person and their issues. oh my fuck he SMOTHERS people if they’re having problems. Last week I guess I was “off” or some shit idk! something i didnt wanna talk to him about, AND HE KEPT GOING ON “whats wrong. do you wanna talk about it. you seem upset. you seem upset. whats wrong. im here”, SO I TURNED TO THE DUDE AND WAS LIKE “You’re going to make me a lot worse if you keep asking, and you and I both know you hate it when I get angry :)” like im ready to verbally rip this kid a new one i am SO ready.

Today he was smothering one of our friends because they went through a break up and oh my god even the tone of voice he uses sets off my shut-the-fuck-up reflexes ?? He was like “do you need anything, do you need snacks, do you need a hug, do you want me to buy you something, do you want me to rough him up, do you want me to send him a message, please dont cry crying is bad, do you want a hug” and our poor friend just sat their sulking not saying anything PROBABLY BECAUSE HE WAS SMOTHERING THEM. They got up and went somewhere so i turned to him and said “YOU ARE SMOTHERING THEM (awkward laugh to attempt to hide my anger) you are smothering them you cant do that. So he said “Hey you know word of advice you need to word things better because you might hurt someone’s feelings” and all i said was “right”. Then later in the day I’m talking to our heartbroken friend and I’m using actual skills we learned in class and WHAT DO YOU KNOW, we’re making progress and they’re talking about it to me.

I’m so aggressive with this dude because 1, i cant stand him, and 2, he hasnt gotten it through our non aggressive talks in class. I wanna kick this into him, like 2013 tumblr style LISTEN UP FUCKER type of shit.

When i explained to him a few weeks ago that Homophobia Is Bad, do you know how he thanked me????????? He gave me his copy of ssb melee. That game is like his pride and joy and it sells for 80 fucking dollars and he gave it to some bitch that doesnt even like him. I don’t even want a thank you for telling you to not be a homophobic piece of shit. So now I have this copy of melee that i feel horrendous about having because I don’t even like this kid anymore i’m sick of him.

and the week after he gave me that guess what i found out haha???? HE HAS A CRUSH ON ME!!!!!!!!!! AWFUL!!!!!!!!! WHY DO YOU LIKE ME!!!!!! I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT CONTINUOUSLY HURT YOUR FEELINGS I DO NOT GET IT.

Last week he left a bag of those hersheys clusters on my part of the table and when i seen them a wave of defeat and anger washed over me, i dont want your fuckin gifts, i dont want your money, i dont want you to give me things because you like me. i do not appreciate it. it feels wrong. I think he cried because i didn’t acknowledge the bag. after class he said he got them for me and i told him i didnt feel right taking them, so he said “just pretend that they came out of nowhere” and i shook my head and said no and i left them there. idk what happened to that bag.

twice back in september he commented on my eating habits, said i had a sweet tooth WHEN I WAS EATING HEALTH FRUIT GUMMIES???? so now i cant eat in front of him or else i panic.

we’re fine texting each other but i really do not enjoy being around him irl. and today i came to the realization that I’m not gonna get along and vibe with everybody, he just happens to be one of those people.

so now i’m like, angry a lot of the time again because i have to deal with him and his terrible work ethics and tristan transference

I should’ve known he didn’t like metroid.

#noop nooping #YA LIVE YA LEARN YA GET MAD.

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chainsawb0y · 5 years

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hi sorry for not really doing much lately ive been kinda super out of it but when am i not anymore

more venty stuff under the readmore tldr: shit sucks and im decorating my house and i hate myself the usual affairs if you read it all the way through i commend you for your dedication for wanting to know why im bummed out rn. this is basically like a long rambling thing that i kept adding shit to in random places

tw: dysphoria

i keep thinking about things and just feeling generally kinda bad about lots of shit and like it swings a lot from me feeling like happy and then just being totally fucking miserable at random all the time. i dont know what it is but its annoying the shit out of me. i feel like im ok like 10% of the time and then the other 60% is me feeling like shit and 30% trying to recover from feeling like shit

ive been decorating my house too and thats been shit tbh my housemate gets stressed out and then takes it out on me but i cant afford to go anywhere else and id rather be dead than live with my mother and i just dont want to live in the city where my dad is

i want to do more stuff creatively this year but every time i pick up the pen i just think of my long term ambitions and realise this website isnt exactly the best for it anymore, but theres nowhere else i feel comfortable posting it anymore. i keep doubting myself and my work and when i draw certain characters i get anxious im going to be accused of ripping other people off. i know it wont happen, but i just have horrible anxiety when it comes to these things. i want to work but i feel like nobody takes me seriously as an artist or a comedian. i know where a lot of my self doubt/anxiety comes from but its just upsetting because i have so much stuff in my head that i cant even bring myself to do because i just dont see the point of it. i know it’ll get no attention at all whatsoever apart from roughly 2 likes, 3 reblogs and then at least 5 self reblogs from me desperately trying to get someone to see something i spent so long on. i dont do art for myself, i do it for other people to see the cool stuff i made up to entertain people and i like to make people happy and i just get upset constantly feeling like nobody is seeing anything because this hellsite is going down the shitter and people are jumping off like old people from a sinking ship. slow and fucking painfully because of the fucking bots everywhere

im like, constantly bitching about gender and sexuality shit but like.......... i always feel like im never gonna have anyone really love me. . like. people like me. people know who i am. nobody knows me. nobody gets me. i know thats bullshit lone wolf talk but like im not even kidding tbh. im so massively fucking lonely it hurts it just fucking hurts so much i just fucking miss feeling like someone actually cares about me . i feel like i have no friends sometimes. like, i have online friends who i love with all my heart but i just dont feel like i have people in real life i can really talk to about deep personal shit. i dont feel close to people irl anymore and i cant understand why. i feel like this is cause of some bad shit thats happened in the past and its just made my brain turn off the “trust people” switch. my brains gone from “everyone is friend” to “everyone is person and people scare and upset me so i cant engage properly because i dont know what they will do. must keep some kind of distance, put on some kind of persona or something and be nice” i dont know what that persona is but im sure as fuck not able to look into it without being some kind of horrible mess. i dont know if im nice or not. i dont know who the fuck i am and it freaks me out because im sure i have some kind of horrible thing deep inside me that i have to cover up by being overly nice and sweet and an actual doormat .. most of the times the conversations i have with real people always have some kind of sex talk in them at one point and i dont have the heart to tell people it makes me uncomfy. i want to talk to people again and i want to go out more, but i just dont know how to get myself outside with people without feeling massively anxious or just feeling like nobody wants me around. like i feel like nobody ever really thinks about me in the least selfish sense. i know it sounds weird and narcissistic but i never get messages off people. i try to interact with people. i want to be friends with people but i just dont feel like i fit in anywhere and i really wish i did. i wish i felt like i could anyway. every time i go out i just feel like i dont belong anywhere with anyone and i thought i did for a little while but then i just couldn’t afford to go out anymore and it just went away immediately. i dont know why but sometimes i get really overloaded by people really quickly but when im outside i find it really easy. i just wish it was easier to talk to people about things. its like whenever i talk to anyone i immediately worry that im being weird or dumb talking about specific aniamtion things or stuff i can actually contribute to but everyone else is always talking about politics or sex so like.... i cant contribute ever cause most of the time its sex stuff or devolves into sex stuff and i just ?????? cant

also dysphorias back whee i hate having a chest it makes me so mad that i cant wear nice things because im constantly paranoid people will see my chest and assume im a girl. i hate people see my face and assume im a girl. i would rather see myself slowly rot away than take female hormones to solve my hormone issues because i dont want to lose what little i had that makes me look a little bit masculine and i know it sounds fucking idiotic but oh my god im so sick of looking and sounding like a girl!!!!!!!! i hate being called miss !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate that my mother wont even call me ash !!!!!!!!!! 2/3 of my family members refuse to think im not a girl and i want to die bc of it !!!!!!!!!!!

im just fuckin trying to deal with all this stupid fucking shit and i keep getting appointments for help cancelled and pushed back and i need help but i never get it !! : ))) the only help i managed to get just ended up talking about fucking specifically sex shit and it made me so uncomfortable i never went back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even tho its literally the only place i can go for trans/ace specific help !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#dnr #its a long one #you can tell where i start losing it a bit #v//e//n//t////

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survivormetaverse · 3 years

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Episode 12 - "i'm baaaaaacckkkkk 😈" ~Jodi

An iconic moment happened today and I accidentally voted my closest ally out of the game. So Brayden got sent home and he is going to hate me when he finds out what happened. I did kind of get him out on accident I did not mean for Brayden to go I wanted Jay gone but I was blindsided by Colin and Josh and Elle AND AMY!!??]£[_[3 Omg. Im really upset that hes gone i miss him so much and I dont know how Im gonna go on without his brain. I dont trust Jay but Jared and Jay were both messaging me about how they already forgive me and stuff so thats a little crazy. I think it could be fake or they are just desperate for numbers. But I am with Josh and Amy and Colin and Elle now. I want to be with their numbers. I talked to all of them individually and they said they all were sorry for lying to me and causing me to get my friend out. I know its just a game but I just feel awful and so guilty right now. This has probably been the worst day of my life. He probably will never play another org with me again and hes the only reason i play orgs its boring without him. We are best friends increal life and I hope he can forgive me. I havent said anything to him because thats breaking the rules. But when he finds out im literally so scared of what he'll say to me. I pray he will forgive me I am literally so dumb af.

i'm baaaaaacckkkkk..................... 😈

This is literally worst case right now with jodi winning the play back like throughout the day she has won back her allies including anastasia since she swapped coins with her. Elle, colin, and josh all gave me all their coins to grab immunity before the other side to protect me but also it makes me a bigger target lol plus I gave elle some swapped to get the second thing the leftover because I THOUGHT it could give us an extra vote since that was ony menu but I was tired and drunk and it was a LOT of words and it was just the hunts which I knew didn't have any and I feel terrible bc 150 tokens and my actual alliance is going to be so mad when they realize THAT I HAVE THE LAST ONES and fucked up in suggesting it at all. First they were going for info. So now I think Jodi got all the other sides tokens and they are pooling for something idek. It's literally worst case like we were set to be up 5-2 or at least 4-3 and now it looks like it's 4-4 again hahaha neat. And it looks like colin is chatting with jodi again and they are making deals lol like tbh if she gets to the end I am voting for her to win I've said it many rounds. Turns out anastasia and brayden not only know each other irl they are besties so she mad mad. And Josh looks to be making deals and thinking about flipping so I am on borrowed time but tbh I never expected to make merge. I am glad I have immunity bc I physically couldn't do the challenge anywU here lol and I fucked that up too hahahaha. Good times all around. Like I want to tell them about my steal a vote to have official numbers but now they'd just be mad hahaha literally colin and I had every advantage except jared's idol now. Ahhhh idk what to do but it remains hilarious. I'm expecting Raffy to give my info in these in the market and that is no bueno ahahahaha. I am tempted to just give colin everything bc it's funny. Also jodi talked to me until 1am just trying to guilt me into being back with her I said I have to sleep goodnight like 5 times minimum. Her social game is so good that's why I think she has them all back with her and possibly josh. The problem is that I was keeping her close bc she had the info from others and from my game. I really never had a number one lol bc I was just vibing and I guess now colin is bc I flipped with him lol and I think it's hilarious he grew his army from 0 to 5 almost.

I have a suspicion colin and anastasia have actually been closely aligned this whole time and she knew everything all along. Colin sure loves giving out info haha. And apparently deals are happening all over, none of which I have made 😂

Jodi's backkkkk, wild wild wilddddd. The challenge went poorly, darn thats like 20 minutes wasted. We bought the refresh and there was nothing there 💔 that's 150 tokens wasted 😅. But! We got Amy immunity✨ and then Colin won the challenge so tbh everything's still going great lol. Wonder how we're gonna vote this round :/ we'll see how this goes! I've stopped worrying whether I'm going completely, it either happens or it doesn't 💖 xoxo, gossip girl (this is misleading I HAVE NOT SEEN THE SHOW i just know way too much about it because i have friends that did lol)

So after I voted my showmance Brayden out of the game I was left with an interesting situation. I had cried to Josh Colin and Amy that I was alone now and that my whole alliance hated me. With Jodi back in, I dont think they believe me. I literally flipped sides so I could be in their alliance because I didnt trust Jay and Jared and Jodi. But they literally lied to me about the vote and said it was nothing personal to me but they didnt tell me the plan because they wanted to see if I was lying. Which sucks for me because I then voted Brayden out :( Now that they know that im truthful they said they would work with me now. But all of them have been pretty inactive today. I talked to Amy the most and a little Colin and a little Josh. But I wasnt in their alliance. So I asked Amy if I could be added into an alliance chat since I was apperently in their alliance now. And she said sure. And they added me to a vote block. That is not an alliance group chat btw. So I was like wow thanks. But inside I was like screw this. So before this all happened, Jodi, Jay and Jared put me in a true alliance group chat. This morning I was ready to work with Colin and Josh but not anymore. Not after they put me in a vote block chat clearly saying to me that I am just a number to be used. They don't even need my vote either because Amy has an idol and Amy and Colin are safe. So I'm obviously voting with Jay, Jared, and Jodi. And I know they probably have a final three without me. They could call it something really cool like the three J's. But I called Jay and explained everything to him. (Also Jay forgave me for literally trying to get him out. He umderstands that its a game and all of my motives about not trusting him anymore.) He said he would be a hypocrite if he didnt forgive me because he told people my name in the chaos vote. So I actually think we are cool. And I told Jay that I am his number one. Which is true. He told me a lot of things about how Amy is actually really smart and stuff (I thought that girl was just a goat that I could take to the end with me) But her and colin are tight and both immune. This is bad. Basically we will go to rocks unless Elle flips to our side. Jay is giving his pitch to Elle tommarow. And maybe I will apologize to her correctly tomarow too. ALSO SPELLING THE WORD TOMARROW IS THE HARDEST THING IN MY LIFE. Also I took 62 minutes to complete a puzzle today so thats kind of emberassing. Anyways bye everyone this was so much fun to type omg.

Lol I woke up to a text from jodi asking if anyone was taking about votes yet and I said no because I went to sleep early bc I almost passed out from heat yesterday and had just woke up and she responded "ummmm lol...." 🤣🤣🤣 Sorry I sleep. She's in Colin's dms saying how I was legit her number one and now we can't even talk about votes. Like yeah girl we worked our asses off to get you out of the game sorry I'm not happy you are back. Also I'm still at disney world so I don't have the time for a million conversations. I know I'm going to be the Russell Hanz of the f3 /if/ I make it. So what's jury management lol like she was already pissed I voted her out and I plan to do it again. Anyway it looks like it's hilariously about to be a unanimous jay vote tonight but I am thinking we throw one vote somewhere else in case of an idol. But if jodi did get anastasia back we can't do that. Anyway lol I'm immune so whatever. Elle and Colin discussed like if it's on elle (which apparently jared proposed an alliance of 5 which included myself lol!) Then we could go to rocks and have only josh as a possibility and statistically he won't go if he is willing to go to rocks that it. All this to say I'm f7 and I want to keep my extra vote to f6 if possible so I can use the idol for fun at f5.

https://youtu.be/snpKevncc44

My quest has come to an end. I joined this game to be someone who could be there for Jodi. Jodi and I played survivor subrosa together and we both had rough experiences due to a player in the game who harassed jodi and tried to convince everyone I was misogynistic. As much as I love Survivor, I didn’t play this game to win. I played this game because Jodi told me she was playing it and I wanted to be her body guard. I wanted to be someone who could be there for her both as a number but also as an enforcer, anybody who ever dared to do anything to Jodi would’ve had to have dealt with me. Tonight, Amy and Colin have immunity, and either amy or josh or elle have an idol, so there’s no point in making any noise tonight and wasting Jared’s idol. None of those 4 trust me, and I doubt any of them like me. It is what it is, it’s best for Jodi, Jared, and Anastasia’s game to move forward without me, and it’s smart for Jared to keep his idol. Tonight, I will be voted out, and I am 100% at peace with it.

Since Elle, Josh, Amy and Colin pooled their tokens for immunity and advantage refresh, it means all the advantages and disadvantages are on our side. Plan is to send Elle a disadvantage and let Colin know because honestly it’s not hard to find out anyways. Jay doesn’t mind getting booted at some point cuz he wants to stand for me on the jury, but I don’t want to boot him right now. Obviously they won’t boot Elle, so I’m going to see if Jared will propose Anastasia. The thing right now is me/Jay/Anastasia/Jared also know next round is invisible. So I want Jay or Anastasia to send Colin and Amy disadvantages because if they’re paranoid seeing me Jared/Jay/Anastasia have advantages and they have disadvantages, they might be paranoid enough to play all their idols. I also wanted to keep Jay for this round as it’d be unanimous and something everyone can settle on. Jared wanted to do me/Jared/Josh/Amy/Colin as an alliance but has concerns about the 3 of them being in top 5 in the majority snd also Colin having his ideal f3. I told him my plan has the best shot at flushing all idols and hopefully we can either get Josh to flip or at least have Amy/Colin vulnerable at 5/6. Last thing is Jared is worried he’d be blindsided this round. I told him my plan and I said even if he wanted to flush his idol this round, next round should be ok if we all vote out Jay and the rest of them flush idols. Good to be back in the game! I genuinely believe Colin wants me as a shield at least for this round, and if I can make it through, I have a game to play.

Not everyone saying they only bought an advantage lol what about those other 70 tokens 👀👀👀 Like it must be jay unless someone is lying haha i am hoping people are just busy bc these answers I'm getting from Josh and Colin are concerning 😂 It looks like only elle and got disadvantages ☠️ I am really hoping not to be a target next round even though I know I will be haha. Next round is only 7 and I'd love to take out jodi and jared before they turn on me ☠️ especially since colin creeped on jodi's insta and it is possible they know each other from sports irl. And she was so concerned about all these pregame connections 😂 and here it was likely to deflect. Anyway I just swapped my position of having jodi do all the social work with having colin do all the social work knowing full well I'm not gonna get those end votes. I'm just trying to pull up my placement average now 😂. I hope everyone sees me as having no social game to take me to the end lol bc realistically I don't bc I don't care to put in that time this game. As I write from the pirates of the caribbean line 😂 So anyway if I'm not being lied to which I might be it looks like unanimous jay tonight but also I think the other group was talking split on jay like a 3-3-2 and I'm like wait the 2 wouldn't help. Elle are you okay with that? So I think they must have figured out I have stuff ☠️ I wonder what people REALLY bought haha okay bye

Jodi is back, not just Jodi Jodi, but player Jodi. Player Jodi thinks a LOT. When I was out, the entire time I was hoping somebody caught on that Amy flipped because they knew to put a stray vote on Colin to protect him from chaos idol, but they left Josh exposed. Why? Because Colin knew Amy was going to throw a vote on Josh. Also, Colin tied with me for closest ally and that set off an alarm too. Onto the next. So Colin won immunity, Amy bought immunity, but this could possibly be good because it means they are playing knowing they are not at risk themselves. Anastasia is voting with them this round, but she's actually working with us. She told us that the actual plan on that side is: "Jay, Jared, Jodi vote elle and Elle, Amy, Colin vote Jay and Josh and Anastasia vote Jodi" Anastasia will vote me here to continue "working" with them for the next vote. Essentially, they thought that Jay had the merge idol this whole time and Colin was weary about it, and that's why he got nervous about sending out Jay last round. That told me Colin did not have the merge idol. Josh came to me too about Jay having the merge idol. But the way they're splitting the votes this round shows me now that somebody has stepped forward to mention they have it (likely Elle) because if Jay idoled, Elle goes in this split vote plan. Therefore, somebody must've been like "ok let's just be safe and split the votes, I have the other idol". That's good and bad because now Colin has no merge idol paranoia, and they're also able to use it together. It also did confirm to me they've talked about it. Here's where things get tricky. Player Jodi is so tempted to run with it and do a 4-3-1 Josh-Jay-Jodi but it's so risky and could possibly destroy the long term social game, especially if they idol for Josh and Jay goes anyway (we are not idoling for him here). So instead, I'm going to use Jay's vote out to the best of my advantage. Hopefully flush an idol if possible, maybe a steal-a-vote, something. Knowing about next round being invisible is good info for us. Having this info is so key and usually I would think that immunity for a round is bigger than this but being able to plan ahead for a GAME-CHANGING twist is crucial here. My move here is to play the game through psychological distress. I have no advantages! Since they're out of tokens from buying immunity, me/Anastasia/Jared/Jay bought advantages for ourselves and also sent out disadvantages to Colin/Amy/Elle. Seeing that not only we have advantages but also them having disadvantages, they probably still feel like things will be ok because they'll just split votes or whatever and one of them needs to win immunity. But given this is an invisible round, I think Amy is honestly paranoid enough to just play her idol, hopefully Elle does too, and then between me and Jared, we'll idol for one of us. I also plan on bluffing an advantage coming back from Jury, and say something along the lines of having to survive one round before the advantage got activated. I'm going for the win, everyone, I know that if I get to the end with anybody, I have a solid shot at winning. I just need to get there and to do that, I must play an adaptable game – more than ever. PS I am holding onto Jared's idol right now. Power (temporary) feels amazing. Dw I'm giving it back....😈

this has been the most chill round in a while. which is really weird consider JODI IS BACK AND WE BLINDSIDED BRAYDEN LAST ROUND this round is turning out to be what I WANTED last round to be. everyone is talking with everyone, people are trying to disband the sides and all intermingle. it's really interesting how no one else was on board with this until after they lost majority. seems like people don't like playing from the bottom. weird huh now these bitches know how I felt >:( anyway. jodi is back. it's weird. she knows that amy flipped now and everyone is playing very carefully my ideal boot this round was either jay or josh, in that order. so when my gay ass WON IMMUNITY I immediately put out jay's name. we already have the numbers, but I also like said my piece to jodi and jared, this is yalls chance to prove to me that you're really with me and sides don't exist. the ball is in their court do i trust them? no. am I worried? no. i have immunity, the scariest thing rn is that I think Jay is voting Elle, and if Jared and Jodi are with him then that's scary, bc Jared has an idol. The ONLY people I would play my idol for is Amy and Elle, and Elle being in trouble means I might have to play my idol on her if Jay idols himself. We have enough to split, so I'm not worried, I just hope all goes according to plan. sorry my confessional is lame. its the weekend now so i have time uwu. I'll write more the next few days

So this whole token twist thing has really annoyed me. Because of me wanting to show my loyalty to my alliance, i gave away all my coins to Amy so that she could but immunity. And against my wishes, Elle wasted her coins on the “advantage” which turned out to be a dud. I wanted to get coins together to buy game info or better yet, trade coins with other people. But i was left with nothing, while all the people on the other side used their coins to buy advantages in the next immunity challenge making it even harder for me to secure my safety. Maybe this new 2 Gays and a Jared alliance might actually pan out but im tired of getting the short end of the stick with everything.

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Edgic:

Power Rankings:

Anastasia: She is in the middle of the two sides. They both need her for the rest of this game before a side is terminated. She is the most powerful because she is in the middle.

Jodi: Has regained a lot of her footing in this game. Is being used as a shield by the people who voted her out. The decision to vote out Jay is questionable, but she still has a lot of power thanks to the knowledge Anastasia and Jared feed her.

Colin: The head of the opposing side. Seems to not know what is really going on with Anastasia. But his allies are willing to take him to the end which is good. Needs to avoid falling into a Jodi pitfall.

Amy: Her rat behavior has been exposed, but her allies are still willing to defend her. Second in command on the Colin side. She is being handed these immunities.

Jared: Jodi’s new #1. Will probably make it to the end of this game. However, he isn’t calling the shots and is in danger of being targeted as an “easy” vote or being called a goat at the end. Needs to start taking fate in his own hands.

Elle: Lost a lot of footing because of not telling Anastasia the truth. This move caused Anastasia to go back to Jodi’s side which will hurt in the coming round. Is the next target for the Jodi side.

Jay: Died on the sword for Jodi. I am confused why they didn’t just stack 4 votes somewhere else, but it is whatever. Has basically given up.

Josh: Left out of a lot of discussions. Is on the outside of his alliances and from the opposing side. Is the most in danger of getting targeted or being a casualty of an idol.

#episode #episodes

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