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#this is a weird one but i feel like there's also a lot of stuff about Passion and the conflict between reaching your goal & the people

ikilledmyhamster · 1 day

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Okay listen, what I love about BTD kid au is that Strade, rire, & sano were friends ever since childhood. I mean it's adorable if you actually think about it 😂

I do have a headcannon story that I would like to tell you all so feel free to read this!

I still don't know how the three met, it's kind of like that one trio where they don't even know how they met each other in the first place so let's just go with that. But I'd figured it would go something like this.

Story: Strade was an only child and had no friends due to his behavior. He met sano when he was around probably 6-7 who was stuck in a pond with ropes around his tail (Sano). Strade upon seeing a young boy with a snake tail, was curious and decided to help him...but the two ended up in the rope and it took 2 hours for them to get themselves free. Strade and sano became friends after that and strade didn't even bother asking about why sano had a tail.

The next part is where the two met rire which is kind of in a weird way. Strade got home from his kindergarten and decided to play with sano as the two were close, sano has an idea to summon a demon, which wasn't normal for a child to say that but hey, he's a naga demon so what do you expect? Anyway, they summoned a demon and you might be asking how and why they did it. Well one; They were pretty dumb kids and also just curious, two; Sano found rire's 'symbol' online for odd reasons and decided to try it. They successfully summoned kid rire but...they interrupted his tea time which made the demon prince angry (Btw he's a prince because his family is still alive, so he ain't the demon king yet). After a full on rampage that goes on for about a few hours, they were able to come into an agreement to become friends.

Childhood Moments: Strade, Rire, & Sano would build their own treehouse in their old neighborhood where they used to live, and they would make the treehouse pretty big. Of course the three had their own rooms and storage for their own stuff, by this time strade had an old camcorder, so he used it to create videos and/or memories of their childhood.

The three would go on adventures and weird places or even terrifying ones. Strades parents never really paid any attention to him so they didn't care if he left the house. Strade likes to draw or doodle in his free time, so he draws a lot of art of him, rire and sano. Sano and strade likes to pull pranks on rire. For example one time, they did a water bucket challenge but instead of it being normal cold water, it was holy water which burned poor kid rire skin. Of course he was not happy, but don't worry...he got his revenge.

Another childhood memory is that the three would occasionally watch horror films like slasher films. Especially paranormal activity, every time there is a demon or spirit that is possessing a person, sano and strade were pretty much scared while rire happily watches the scene. BUTTTT, when it comes to the exorcist scenes...Rire would immediately hold his friends with his tentacles while hiding behind them😂😂 (inspo from the photo above)

Another time, sano and strade did a research and they read that in old Russian ancient times, there used to be a saying that brownies could scare off evil spirits or demons. And so...they tried it on rire, the results did not disappoint them. The moment they bought a brownie cake and placed it on the table in front of rire...the poor boy disappeared. Which confused the two at first, but then they realized it actually works! Rire would stay in hell until he knows for sure, that the brownies were gone.

Treehouse: The treehouse that they built in the forest is still there standing stable till this day, and that treehouse holds a lot of childhood memory. Strade Sano & Rire would often sleep in that treehouse as their comfort zone and also since it's the place they mostly hang out in. They carved their names on the treehouse door, something like this; "LR+SK+S" Which obviously means in order; "Lucien Rire+Sano Kojima+Strade". Of course soon strade had to move out of his old town and so did sano and rire. They left their old treehouse but kept their stuff there.

Present: Whenever Y/N is free they sometimes go to the Kojima brothers house just to hangout or sleep over. One day they stumbled upon an old photo of the main trio. Rire in the center, strade on his left side and sano on his right side. The photo looked like it was taken a few years back and Y/N was able to open the frame and found a note attached to the back of the photo which had coordinates, which if your guessing correctly; Leads to their old treehouse. Akira & Y/N visited that place and found the treehouse with all of their stuff still there in the same places where they left it. And if they went all the way to the back, they would find a wooden box container which is filled with many cassette tapes and writing of dates. Strade would record those childhood videos and put them on cassette tapes so there was a lot of them. Of course, Y/N & Akira ended up watching some of the videos in the end and didn't bother telling sano, strade, or rire.

Anyway that's pretty much my version of the BTD main trio kid AU. Let me now which one should I do next down below here ⬇️⬇️⬇️

(Btw, credits to the art above belongs to @darqx)

#boyfriend to death #btd #btd akira #btd rire #btd sano #btd strade #gatobob #lawrence oleander #ren hana btd #alternate universe

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dustorange · 2 days

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opinions?… 😬😬

https://www.tumblr.com/melmov/750293558453501952?source=share

link

Wfa =free, comics = $3.99 per -> subsidized demand -> market distortion -> :/ :(

The claim of that post—“people have gotten tired of unrelenting grimdark” e.g. actual DC main runs and therefore prefer “slice-of-life fluff [that] also presents a coherent, easy-to-enter, balanced storyline” e.g. WFA—is directionally accurate but its also sort of talking about a Different Group of People than DC Comics Readers.

in particular there is a group of people who have been pretty much totally deracinated from developing or being capable of developing their own opinions on media or humor or life. because of social media and maybe also they r very young. there is a general valence to that part of fandom: the incorrect quotes, the Canva-post-derived politics, the memetic vocab + jokes and like this weird very limited view of redditizedhistory and culture+literature consisteing of the binding of Isaac and twoheadedcalf poem. and so there is just genuinely not the ability to process things that haven’t been run through a filter of accessibility. and WFA, which has BEAUTIFUL art and lots of very sweet moments, IS super accessible and its also sort of been through the preapproved foundfamily neoliberal kitsch machine and come out with a passing grade. but yes it is missing that like elusive Something and it also lacks a seriousness and it isnt the Characters. it’s something else. And its so pretentious to say its for people who don’t have the like stamina ??? for longerform storytelling but yes if you pressed me i would say its a bunch of people, primarily young genz and millennial girls/women, whose critical mental faculties and attention spans have been fried by social media and underexposure to challenging original content

that’s a different new group being lassoed into dc stuff from the previous existing audience. The DC Comics Reader People. i don’t know how much of this to do gender politics with but comics fandom has DEFINITELY gotten MUCH more female in the last 2 decades and there was a distinctive male comic book go-to-the-LCS-and-get-physical-copies and rigorously-autisticslly-fight-about-minutia-of-canon culture. Men also r going to be the one who GENERALLY prefer your fightheavy “”””grimdark””” comics, as opposed to women who doooo generally prefer social relational content. And also women-dominated comics fandom spaces are obviously qualitatively different from men’s fandom spaces. So PART of the reason WFA outsells real DC stuff is market distortion and PART is the DCfan genderdemographic shift that favors content like WFA

I rly hesitate to endorse a lot of Canon dc tumblr’s posts about the fanony WFA-style stuff bc it seems so clear that a the latter is enjoyed primarily by a group of very young people and it also feels like there’s a weird power imbalance intellectually between fanon and canon people. AND I AM A BIG BELIEVER IN LET PEOPLE READ AND ENJOY THE CONTENT THEY WANT and they shouldn’t be shamed for enjoying something as visually sweet and cute as WFA. and a lot of canon tumblr’s rants abt fanon stuff r clearly sort of excessively vicious and insecure attempts to feel superior. although admittedly quietly they r correct but it comes off cruel idk. also i think that BATMAN and superman and to some extent some others ARE indeed very flexible in terms of what is canon and what you have to consume to have consumed The Character and The Story. ive never seen BTAS but as far as im concerned, someone who has only watched BTAS is someone who has the right to do whatever batman stuff they want.

Related questions are: Is mainline DC batman stuff GOOD right now? and Is WFA good? I agree that mainline DC stuff isnt the best right now and i haven’t read WFA so i can’t comment on its quality but i honestly don’t think its the case that “WFA is better written than actual Batman comics, so thats why WFA is more popular” lol

#THANK U FOR ASKING LEGEND MUAH kissing your forehead this was super interesting to think about i hadn’t seen that post before!!! What are #your opinions???

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protectingtulpas · 2 days

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So I just got sent that pretty iconic "anti-tulpa" document and I think it's pretty damn funny that a lot of those sources, if you actually READ them, are neutral or even supportive lmfao.

Like for this one? This is straight up pro-, and is just explaining that "tulpamancy" isn't the original concept and that it's based on other practices. Congrats, you're making our fucking point for us!

This next one is pretty interesting also. I wanna highlight some stuff from it, from both the op and comments.

Let's talk about my existence in contrast to some of these statements. The first one is "The biggest, most dangerous form of evil in Buddhist thought is "ego" or self-grasping. If ANY mental phenomena increases your self-cherishing attitudes (self importance, grandiosity, jealousness, craving, hatred, self-loathing, self-absorption etc) it's evil. IF a mental phenomena causes greater flexibility, less attachment, more tranquil emotions, less mental chatter/discursive thinking, increased generosity and compassion toward others, higher mental clarity etc.--that's good." And the second one is "If it increases negative emotions, it's not Dharma. If it decreases negative emotions, it's Dharma." So these are great for some people, but that mentality of not allowing "self-cherishing attitudes" can be EXTREMELY HARMFUL FOR SYSTEMS and ANYONE with self worth issues. A lot of this is contradictory for a lot of people. Something can both decrease negative emotions and make you feel connected to yourself. Nobody has the right to make us feel any less like ourselves - normally you can believe whatever you want for yourself, obviously, but pushing it onto other ppls' lives aint cool. The implication that we're straight up DANGEROUS just for existing is insulting to created systems regardless of whether you're using the word tulpa or not.

The reply to that by @/eeveecraft is great, and this part describes how weird that is in the context of headmates' identities here. "Furthermore, really don't like how you downplayed tulpas as property there, buddy. Tulpas are not property, they are people in every sense of the word, and I don't [give a] flying fuck about whatever complications that for your beliefs. My systemmates are people, full stop. I was already able to tell since you refer to your own systemmates as "imaginary friends," which a lot of tulpas aren't okay with being called that because that implies that they're fake. They are NOT lesser because they're not created by ancient monks or whatever.

"Like, seriously: "They would be considered "as real as you and me," with their own likes and dislikes etc," because apparently, modern tulpas don't have likes and dislikes and their hosts just see them as delusions? Say that to my tulpa, Arcanus who adores coffee while the smell makes me nauseous, say that to my systemmates who switch with me and have their own hobbies. Also, tulpas are more than just personalities. They have their own experiences, skills, preferences, dreams, memories, thoughts, a person is more than just their personality, and I thought a "licensed psychotherapist" would know that, especially if they have systemmates of their own." Make sure to read the full comment tho cuz it's a good takedown, it's not just about that it goes thru the entire thing.

SO! If anybody actually wants a well-studied paper outlining everything, check out Tracking the Tulpa: Exploring the "Tibetan" Origins of a Contemporary Paranormal Idea by Natasha L. Mikles and Joseph P. Laycock. It goes into a lot more of an accurate and in-depth history on the subject, and the bibliography ACTUALLY shows where things come from.

All that document showed us was that Buddhists are a wide community with a variety of different people with different skill levels, understandings, and opinions. And that we need to ditch the fantastical, impossible representation of the tulpa in supernatural media because that's ACTIVELY harming people. Which is what we want to show people! So congrats!

#im not linking it cuz its cherry picked as hell #but if youve been here a while you know what it is #if you want the document shoot me a message #that shit needs to stop circulating #syscourse #tulpacourse

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scholastic-dragon · 18 hours

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! ✨

I love your writing and when I saw your birthday post I was so psyched!

Would you please write something about the turtles (Bayverse or ROTTMNT, your choice) and the worst time/ place they’ve gotten erect? Maybe how the deal with it? Why they got aroused in the first place? Let your mind run wild ;)

Sometimes your partner or crush just gets to you and you can’t control your desire ;>

• Female reader/ or what ever you’re comfortable writing for

• Developed or no developed relationship

•All the turtles or just one you really like to write for (up to you)

• A short story or head-canons work equally well

Essentially go with whatever you feel most comfortable writing for with the prompt! Thank you! And have fun /^v^/

Also here’s some birthday cake for the road! 🎂 🍰🧁🎉

HAHAHAHAHHAHA I love this

Erection Directions

I'm thinking bay!boys but either works

MINORS DNI - LOTS OF SEXY STUFF BELOW - TURTLES ARE 20+ IN THIS - DONT BE WEIRD

Leo

Well....you see.... it was patrol

It was a slow night, they weren't planning on going out, everyone's in a bad mood

And then you call

And he let's the guys take a break and sneaks off behind a secluded wall to answer the call

"Hey love, were on patrol is there somehting you need-"

"I think I need you to come over and fuck me,"

😳 (the turtle was too stunned to speak)

Swallows his tongue and has to clear his throat before responding.

You flirt and banter for a moment, then it becomes clear that your hand in inside your blue panties (that you sent a lewd picture of)

"Baby, I can't I'm on patrol" He responds after you ask for a video of his "achingly hard cock" as he put it

"How am I supposed to get off if I don't hear your pretty moans?" You tease

Damn

Peering around the wall, he unzips his pants and aims the camera at his hard cock. He catches the soft moan from his lips and his thumb rubbing precum along the shaft.

After a minute he stops recording and sends it your way. He hears your excited moan over the phone.

He grips himself harder.

"I wish you were here right now, inside me instead of my hand,"

That makes him stroke faster, your voice, the knowledge that he's doing this out in the cold night air spurring him on.

He feels his release getting closer, and he hears your responding moans.

"I'm gonna-"

"Oi, fearless!" Like the ass he is, raph comes around the corner.

Leo drops his phone in an attempt to cover himself. "Come on!" He yells.

Raph turns and yells, both to him and Donnie and Mikey. "I'm fucking done, I'm going home, fuck this!"

Donnie asks. "What happened?"

"He's fucking jerking it!" The red brute yells, making the other two start complaining.

"Whyd we even come out here?!"

"I had work to do that you made me put down!"

Leo scrambles on the ground, putting his hand over the microphone. "Patrols over, go home!" He simply yells

He sighs and tucks his own soft cock into his pants. He's upset and extremely embarrassed.

When he lifts the phone to his ear, he hears you laughing your ass off.

Raph

It was the weights room

He lives in there

And you, his new and flashy crush, are now also "living" in here

You claimed it was stupid to pay for a gym membership when you could simply hang out here

And because he's in love with you, he agreed

Now, he regrets it.

You're doing squats while holding a dumbell and the way your ass and thighs look right now should be illegal.

He's laying on the bench press, not even trying to be sneaky as he watches you go up....and down....and up.....and down

And now something else is up

Very up and not at all sneaky.

His head snaps to the ceiling, his hands shaking as he holds the bar above his head.

His heart is pounding hard. A lot like how hard he wants to pound you-

He shakes his head and the bar nearly comes crashing down on his face

"Raph!" You rush over and stand above his head, grabbing the bar around his fingers and lifting it (with his help)

And great, now he's got a view of the underside of your breasts, and the sweet sweaty skin of your bare stomach. Oh, and your delicious thighs are there too.

His cock pulses beneath his shorts.

"Are you okay?" You help him put the bar back, leaning over to look down at him.

Now he can see your cleavage.

"Um" He goes to answer but no words come out.

You sigh and straighten up, and your eyes rake down his body.

He tenses. Your eyes go wide and your cheeks flame.

Shit.

Donnie

Donnie was working under the truck

He's on a custom made rolling cart, his hips peeking out from under thr garbage truck.

He's got headphones on, listening to an audio book you recommended.

It's a romance and the characters just had their first kiss.

He's working and listening, not really paying attention.

"His lips traveled down her neck, making a spike of heat run down her body to her pussy"

Woah

He stopped working for a moment, swallowing hard and taking in what was happening.

The scene progressed and got dirtier and dirtier, to the point where he was aching and hard in his pants

It was late, no one was awake.

He rolled out from under the truck, wiped off his hands and undid his pants.

He tried to match the pace of the book, and man this person was doing a really good job on the voices

For a moment he imagined you and him fooling around like the characters were

His strokes became fast. Slick sounds filling the quiet garage

As the characters hit their peak, so did he, moaning softly and cumming in his hand, it spills down onto his chest and pants.

He sighs, opening his eyes and nearly passing out.

On the other side of the garage, your sitting with your hand in your pants, your lip caught between your teeth

Your eyes meet.

He removes the headphones, feeling hot and sweaty at your flushed cheeks

You smile, all seductive and it makes his cock twitch.

"Chapter 24?"

Hes up and rushing to you, fully intending on acting out the full Chapter.

Mikey

It's while you and him are making dinner

It's mundane and it smells almost as good as you do

You have a smile on your face as you try to remember what each brother likes and it makes his heart warm

He stirs the gravy and asks you to come try it.

He doesn't expect you to take his wrist and lead his spoon to your lips. Wrapping it around the silver and sucking the gravy off.

Now other things are warm

"Mmm!" You moan, licking your lips. "That's really good mike!"

Very warm

It stays that way until everyone is eating at the table

Mikey sees your eyes drift down his plastron as a drop of gravy falls off his bite of potatoes

Your breath catches as you notice the tent in his shorts

Everyone is busy taking and chatting about... oh he has no idea what anybody is talking about

Especially when you smirk and let your hand sneak under the table

You grip his thigh and he nearly cums in his pants from that

You scratch your way up his leg, griping him through his shorts and underwear

He shoves food in his mouth to keep from being too loud. Your hand feels amazing

It's a bit clumsy with the angle and clothes in the way, but he's still very much so getting off

He manages to keep himself quiet as he cums, staning his shorts. You shoot him another cheeky smile.

The hand that was griping him, moves the the table and "accidentally" knocks over a glass of water onto his lap

He gasps at the cold and everyone turns to look

"Oh, mike, I'm sorry! I'm so clumsy!" Your eyes flash with mischief

"It's fine, y/n," He touches your arm. "Come help me get some towels to clean this up,"

No towels were got, but a big mess was made.

@thelaundrybitch @leosgirl82 @turtle-babe83

#i had a little too much fun with this lmao #theyre idiots your honor #and i love them #tmnt #tmnt bayverse #tmnt donnie #tmnt leo #tmnt raph #tmnt mikey #tmnt x reader #tmnt aged up #tmnt donnie x reader #tmnt leo x reader #tmnt raph x reader #tmnt mikey x reader #tmnt headcanons #it is my works #thanks for the ask!

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itsmarsss · 2 days

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Scandalous (Blitzø x Fem!Succubus!Reader x Stolas) [Helluva Boss] pt. 3 - The Imp

How the mighty do fall. (Getting into a weird three-way situation with an imp and a succubus isn't exactly considered classy, Stolas)

He's not just a bitch! He's a bitch with a backstory.

pt. 1 | pt. 2

Word Count: 3,140

Warnings: a lot of trauma related stuff, a lot of self-deprecating thoughts, some things are canon-compliant and some are my own, i think that's it, also hey look it's the reason blitzø wanted to sneak into ozzie's so bad!

Blitzø has been called many different things throughout his life.

Most of those things have been insults but, hey, who’s keeping track?

From an entitled prick to a selfish asshole to shit-for-brains to imp scum to… well, you get the gist of it. You name it, he’s been called it. And he was perfectly fine with being all of those things.

He’d decided very early on that he would own any titles he was given if it meant he had any sort of control over how they affected him.

And it worked. If he was going to be called useless, or selfish, or a low-level regardless of what he did, he was just going to let himself become all of those things. If no one expects anything good to come from him anyway, why should he even care to try? This wouldn’t help stop them saying all those awful things he hated to hear about himself, but at the very least he’d be at peace knowing he wasn’t spending his entire life humiliating himself for the off-chance that someone would see him the way he wanted them to.

That way, he’d always have the upper hand.

Growing up in the circus, Blitzø learned at a very young age that he was no more than a collateral to his father. ‘Useless’ at being sufficiently entertaining, as he always heard he was, Blitzø understood entirely too well that he was only kept around for the simplest of all things he was: unpaid labor and an obligation.

At times, in his teenage years, he’d start to wonder if he would ever have been kept around at all if it weren’t for his mother.

And sometimes, well into adulthood already, Blitzø would find himself hurting people. Really hurting people. Sometimes even on purpose, without ever fully understanding why he did what he did. Most of the time he would try and ignore it, or pretend not to care, try to convince himself it was for the best that he kept his distance from people.

But, at certain times, thoughts of his mother would consume him. Would she be proud of who he had become?

He hardly thought so.

There were times when he would even find himself wondering who he could have grown up to be had she stayed around for longer. Would he be nice? Kind? Caring?

Would he be loved?

But she wasn’t around, and that was his fault, he kept reminding himself. And that wasn’t fucking fair.

His mother was always kinder than his father ever was. She was sweet and caring and always made sure to check on him. The moments they spent together were always his favorite as a kid.

When she was with him, it almost felt like nothing else mattered, as if her presence could shield him from anything- he always blindly believed her when she told him time and time again that everything would be okay. It was a nice feeling.

She was always full of life, always the soul of every room she entered, always cheering Blitzø back up when he was down. She was always pure light.

Except when his father was around.

Blitzø loathed the way her demeanor changed around him, how she minimized herself to be next to him. When he was young, he’d always toyed in his mind with the idea of her being two different people who shared the same body: there was his mother, and there was his father’s wife.

His mother was kind, compassionate, caring, free. His father’s wife was cold, quiet, dull.

Fizzarolli entered his life really early on.

At merely seven years old, he was taken into the circus after losing his parents in a freak accident, and Blitzø remembers the day they met clear as day.

Fizz was small. At the young age of eight years old, Blitzø vividly remembers his mind conjuring the term ‘fragile’ to describe him.

Scared and vulnerable, Fizzarolli was an emotional creature, only a kid, after all. And that demanded care. At first, Blitzø really didn’t enjoy having to share his mother as a caregiver in the slightest. He was also only a kid, after all.

As time passed, though, he grew to quite like Fizz’s presence. He’d never really been much too surrounded by other kids, as it’d always been only him and his parents, and now he had a best friend! Someone to talk to and play with all the time, and who was as eager for a friend as he was himself.

A couple years later, at ten years old, Blitzø received news from his parents: he was going to be a big brother. His father didn’t seem to express too many feelings about that- he never really expressed much other than disdain when it came to him, for the matter, but his mom seemed excited.

Blitzø wasn’t exactly sure how to feel about it. Sure, he got used to sharing his life with Fizz, but that was enough, wasn’t it? Things were good as they were, why mess it up with another kid?

When Barbie was born, Blitzø made it his personal goal to express just how much he disliked the idea of having a sibling- but that only lasted a few weeks. A few weeks of being rude and purposefully stubborn were enough for him to notice how hurt his mother was that he was acting that way, especially when she was already clearly overwhelmed with taking care of the baby along with himself and Fizzarolli.

Being the reason for his mother’s tears was the thing he hated the most in the whole wide world.

And so he stopped. It took him many months for his feelings about his sister to really change, but he decided he wouldn’t be so mean about it anymore, for his mom’s sake. And, with time, he grew used to his sister too. Sure, she was annoying and extremely clingy, as all babies and younger siblings are, and yes, he’d still act annoyed at her, but he started to not mind it as much.

He started to care.

At ten years old, too, on a random day, something rather unusual happened: his father came looking for him after a show, prompting him to stand up from the floor where he’d been playing with Fizz and their balloon horses, because he’d been… sold?

Yeah, that’s right. His dad told him, normal as ever, that apparently one of the Goetia princes had seen their part of the show earlier, and his father wanted to, quite literally, purchase Blitzø for the rest of the day.

“Ew. Why?”

“Because money!” That always seemed to answer plenty when it came to Good Old Cash.

He was dragged to the Goetia palace with a purpose: to steal everything he could. That didn’t feel right nor did it feel safe. After all, who knew what sort of bad things could happen to him if he got caught stealing from royalty? He was young, but he knew they weren’t demons you wanted to mess with.

He was scared.

But they needed the money, and his dad had pulled the card that could get him to do basically anything he was asked to: ‘don’t you want to help your mother?’

Of course he’d do anything to help mama.

Getting back home, he felt bad. Because the prince had been kind to him the entire time. Because the prince was naive, clearly not even having considered the possibility of Blitzø having been there to do what he did. Because everything his dad had told him about the big bad royals seemed to fall flat with Stolas.

Getting back home, he still struggled to understand why he had been the one chosen to go, and not Fizz, when Fizz was clearly a better… well, everything… than he was.

It was all too confusing, growing up with Fizz. As much as he loved him, there would always be a part of him that felt jealous, insecure around him. Because, to him, it seemed his best friend was everything he wanted to be and everything he wanted to be seen as. A better entertainer, a better friend, a better kid to his parents. Everything Blitzø could never live up to.

But, as he grew older, he came more and more to the realization that it wasn’t Fizz’s fault. It was all his parents. Or, rather, it was mostly his father. He was the one who put the two against each other, when, time and time again, they showed they only wished to work together, to be kids, to be friends… or more, maybe?

On the day of Fizarolli’s 17th birthday, Blitzø had been set on confessing the feelings he’d come to nurture towards the boy. Never used to this sort of thing, the only person he’d told about it was his mom, who had smiled oh-so-sweetly at him and hugged him as he let out tears, assuring him that it was okay for him to feel that way, even if it was scary. He’d prepared a badly rehearsed but well-meaning speech, written something for him in a birthday card, and even gone as far as stealing a rose from someone’s backyard to give him too.

Fizzarolli would have never even dreamed he’d have ever done all that for him, because he didn’t give him the card, and he didn’t give him the rose, and he didn’t tell him how he felt. Because there Fizz stood, laughing with his friends- friends! Friends who looked better and acted cooler and who were so, so much more interesting than Blitzø could ever be. He wasn’t a kid anymore, but he was still young. He still let his jealousy get the best of him, still let the frustration of feeling pathetic for even considering the chance that his best friend could feel the same way he did consume him.

But, as angry, as frustrated, as sad as he was, he never meant for it all to happen.

The fire changed everything.

His mother was gone because of him. His best friend almost died because of him. Barbie only went unharmed in sheer, dumb luck. Everyone’s lives were ruined, and it was all his fault.

And so he decided he’d be better off far away. Not forever. Not for long. But, for now, everyone was sure to be better off without him near. He’d caused enough destruction already and he’d forever have the scars to remind him.

So he left. Simple as day, he told a crying, barely eight-year-old Barbie he’d be back soon and left a note for his father to find and give Fizz when he recovered.

Not forever. Not for long.

The next time he saw his sister again was nine years later. And he tried. He so desperately tried to be present again. But Barbie didn’t seem to think it was fair of him to go no-contact for so many years. Yes, their father sucked- but leaving meant he left her to grow up alone with him. She lost a mother too. He wished things were different, but couldn’t blame her.

Two years later, at nineteen years old, was the first time Barbie had to be checked into rehab. Blitzø went there to visit every week, of course, but she never let him in.

Just like Fizz, no matter how many times he tried, she simply didn’t want to see him.

After the fire happened, Blitzø decided he wouldn’t work as a clown ever again, cutting short his own big, flashy dreams.

But that was the only thing he ever learned to do, and that made things difficult. For years on end, he had to jump from one job to another, trying to find anything he could to make a living for himself.

He was never all that eager to admit to this part of his past, but there were times during which he’d slept on the streets or forced himself onto one one-night stand after the other just to have a place to crash. At some point, he found himself gambling the little money he got from working here and there.

That’s how he met Verosika Mayday, anyway. At a cheap, dark, dirty club in Lust, as he tried to drink his sorrows away and let his luck decide whether he’d be able to pay for his stay at some gross little inn room down in Greed for the night or not, and she tried to kickstart her singing career, standing on the poor-lit makeshift stage with her electric-pink electric guitar and singing something barely anyone was paying any attention to.

A few years later came Loona. And Loona was love at first sight. At first, he wasn’t looking for a hellhound like her to adopt. He wanted a pet.

But she looked so scared and angry, and so, so much like himself. She was about to be thrown out of the system into the streets to fend for herself at only eighteen. He knew what that was like entirely all too well, and he knew it wasn’t pretty. He wasn’t exactly the most sensitive person ever, but if only he could be something like a family to her, if only he could help her in any way so she didn't have to be all alone…

He adopted her immediately.

It was a crazy idea, for many, very obvious reasons. First off, he’d just started making enough to make rent for a one-bedroom apartment in a shitty side of imp city. Second off, even though he was doing slightly better, he still barely made enough to feed himself alone. Third off, he had no fucking clue how to be a parent. Much less how to parent a teenager.

But he made it work. He promised himself he’d make it work. He worked everywhere he could find, doing anything he possibly could (and, in hell, that meant anything), at any crazy hour, to make enough to support Loona. He bought books about parenting that he couldn't really read much of because most of them were targeted to soon-to-be parents of… well, babies, and included nonsense, fancy-pants words he didn’t have the patience to try and understand, but he tried his best to be a good parent to her.

He never forced her to call him dad or anything of the sort, because he could understand how that was probably hard. He still couldn’t stop himself from shedding a few emotional tears when she did, even if most times were slip-ups.

About a year or so later, he was set on a goal: he wanted to make a living for himself. Really make a living. Blitzø was tired of putting himself through every single job he could find just to barely make enough for him and Loona.

Well, it’s not exactly like he’d be the winner in a competition for the best morals in hell.

He started stealing. What? This was hell!

The lifestyle went surprisingly well for him. He wasn’t making bank, but it beat working like 24 hours a day to barely survive. As time went on, though, he started getting more and more confident. Stealing more, from wealthier, more influential people, pushing himself to do better each time things went well for him, having fun with letting things get more violent and subsequently bringing attention to himself.

He was bound to steal too close to the sun someday. After a particularly… well, greedy robbery down by the Greed ring, things went south quickly, resulting in his arrest.

Jail sucked, but honestly, he’d had worse. And, hey, his cellmate was sufficiently cool.

Moxxie wouldn’t tell him much about his past or how he ended up there, but that wasn’t to worry when he didn’t particularly want to do the same either. What mattered was he had a plan to escape and a plan for after that and Moxxie could be of assistance.

Escaping wasn’t easy, and the two of them didn’t leave exactly unharmed, but it was successful.

The grand plan for after that was to start a company that specified in hired assassinations. Moxxie wasn’t perfectly happy with the idea, but damn was he good with a gun.

But two not-even-that-much-experienced assassins didn’t really make a company, did they?

After a lot of convincing, even though they didn’t even keep in contact quite as much as they used to anymore, he somehow got y/n, a succubus he’d become friends with about a year before, to agree to work with them.

Okay, three’s a crowd.

Millie joined in not long after.

Four’s a party. Or, well, a hired assassination company.

They worked phenomenally well all together as a team- even Loona was brought into the business, though Blitzø never really let her participate in the killing. Business went okay… until it didn’t. Things didn’t work as well in reality as they did in their minds- not for very long, at least.

And so Blitzø had to bring back into light the same dumb, far-fetched idea he’d had a year earlier.

“What if we could kill humans?” He blurted out during a meeting in which the point of discussion was how to increase business.

You made a face at him. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I mean it. Like, imagine how many of these sinners are walking around here just double-dying to have someone that they hate up there dead too. We’d have clients like forever!”

“If that were possible, Blitzø.,” Millie chimed in.

“It is possible.”

“Boss, no offense, but did you hit your head again?” Moxxie questioned, understandably confused.

“Y/n knows what I'm talking about!”

“What? No I don't.”

“Yeah you do. Your best friend Ozzie-boy has something that could let us do that.”

“Are you- wait.” There’s no fucking way. “When we met- were you- were you trying to steal an asmodean crystal?”

“I was not not trying to steal an asmodean crystal.”

“Uh, what is an asmodean crystal?” Loona asked, and you were surprised she’d even been paying attention.

You sighed. “Asmodeus has these enchanted crystals that can be used to create portals to the living world. We- uh- we get to use them at times. When necessary.”

“See? It’s perfect! He’d totally give you one.”

“Not for this. I think you forgot Fizzarolli hates your guts. Ozzie’s not gonna give me a crystal so I can help you with something. Really what the fuck did you even do to this guy?”

Blitzø ignored your last question completely. “He let you work with me,” he commented, matter-of-factly.

“He’s not my owner, asshole. But no. It’s not happening.”

Well, he'd really hoped it wouldn't have to come to this, but… he did know someone else who had a little something that could grant access to the living world.

A/N: I bet with so much complaining yall werent expecting this to actually come out huh expect the unexpected

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devilsrecreation · 2 days

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Skink personality headcanons

Inspired by/adding onto @spinnysocks ‘s post

Nyeusi:

-Along with being the stealthiest skink, he’s also the quietest of the bunch. While Ed and Neema don’t talk but still communicate through sounds, Nyeusi prefers to stay absolutely silent. When he does make noises like hissing or flicking his tongue, it’s only around the skinks (and Ushari when he was alive). Only time where he hisses or flicks his tongue at someone else is to insult them

-While he doesn’t have anger issues like Kenge does, it’s not that hard to piss him off. All you have to do is shove him aside and he’s already plotting revenge against you

-The skinks sometimes forget he’s there. They’ll be talking, Nyeusi suddenly flicks his tongue to comment on something, and Njano would be like “Have you been here the whole time?”

-Romance repulsed aroace; you can go do your thing with your partner, he’ll just he over by his favorite rock trying not to puke

Nyata:

-She’s one of the least likely to get mad other than Njano. She gets more amused if anything

-She’s very sassy and quick-witted. She can come up with the best comebacks on the spot and it never ceases to amuse Shupavu

-She’s definitely very smug, often mocking Nyeusi after beating him in a race. She’s competitive like that

-Honestly has a little respect for Kinyonga. Not everyone can outrun her. I like to think after Kinyonga escaped her and Nyeusi, she went “Huh…respect” before getting up to go after her. I’m not saying she likes being beaten, but she’s a good sport lol

Green female skink (who my friend has named Nyororo):

-I have a feeling she’s the flirty one, managing to sweet-talk her way into getting what she wants. All she has to do is bat her eyelashes, maybe tickle someone with her tail, and she’s getting her way no matter what. It’s only until after she’s long gone when you’d realize you’ve been tricked

-She always knows exactly what to say in every situation in order to trick someone, it’s actually kinda scary

-She’s actually known Shupavu for a while, about as long as Njano has. Maybe even longer. They’ll tell each other everything and it’s the one time Nyororo’s sweetness isn’t a trick. It’s why she sometimes joins Shupavu and Njano on missions

-You could definitely beat her at her own game by flirting with/complimenting her back. It’s not super easy though. You have to have a certain trick up your sleeve and that trick is being a girl. She can handle guys, but if it’s a girl flirting with her, she’ll get all flustered

Waza:

-Waza’s the mediator and the most chill of the group. When two skinks are arguing, he’s the one to step in and resolve it either by talking to them or by slapping them with his tail (whichever is easier at the moment lol)

-I like to think his keen eye is…inconvenient at times. He notices when someone tries to sneak away or catches someone doing weird stuff when they think they’re alone, yet he couldn’t see where Kinyonga went when the skinks were chasing her. Waza wasn’t paying attention when someone does something suspicious but somehow knows all the cutesy nicknames Reirei calls Goigoi when she thinks she’s alone

-He’s sometimes quick to assume

-Has a plan for everything cuz he comes up with all kinds of scenarios in his head

Orange skink, who that same friend has called Hasira (anger):

-You know those grumpy, sometimes old characters who get annoyed by just about everything the main character does? Yeah, that’s Hasira

-He’s definitely the eldest in the group, about middle-aged in skink years

-He’s seen it all, but not in a “wise mentor” kind of way. It’s more like “I’ve been through a lot of bullshit and I’m just done” lmao

-He’s also kind of a reluctant babysitter to everyone. Shupavu may be the leader, but he’s the one making sure no one actually dies hfhfgfg

#finally got around to doing this #i love making headcanons for background characters #it’s pretty fun #nyeusi’s my favorite background skink #but all of their designs are really great #skinks #tlg outlanders #the lion guard

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milkteansugar · 2 days

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the ways they show their concern.

—tw: skin picking/peeling on fingers, wounds, blood and such, please do not read if you’re sensitive to those :)

note: this is just a random idea i had. i have the bad habit of picking at the skin on my fingers, like for no reason— been doing it since i was a child. i do it constantly and so.. my fingers are usually covered in wounds and scabs. and i kind of just wondered how the bllk guys would react to it…

the ones like reo, chigiri, kuon or sae would probably get you to wear gloves and you’re gonna wear them even if you find it embarrassing. they’d grimace and wince everytime they see you absentmindedly picking at your skin, specially if you accidentally make yourself bleed (actually that’s even worse— reo would def panic at the sight of blood and let out a girlish scream.) kuon would gently chide you and make you wash your hands and then bandage your wounds. sae would probably insult you by calling you stupid and asking you if you’re not right in the head but it mostly comes out in a moment of worry when he sees the wound you’ve created on your finger and then he blanks out for a moment, thinking about what to do lmao. he’d maybe think about calling 911 and you’ll need to tell him that it’s not an emergency. chigiri would silently frown at you until you actually feel the intensity of his glare and look at him and realize that he really doesn’t like what you’re doing. he’s genuinely concerned though. all four of them would text you several times when they’re not with you, reminding you to not pick at your skin.

rin and barou would find it so weird, and would honestly wonder if you’re secretly a masochist or something. they’d subconsciously start carrying bandaids and antiseptic creams everywhere just in case. if you end up making your fingers bleed a lot, they’d most probably yell at you. then they’d feel bad and grumble about how much of an idiot you are as they clean your wounds. i know they’d bat your hand away everytime you unconsciously begin picking at your skin. like just slap it away with the most withering glare. barou’s mostly worried you’ll end up with infected wounds and rin worries you might bleed out one of these days (very unlikely, but he’s a mother hen).

isagi would be the most worried one after rin. he’s constantly taking glances at you to make sure you’re not doing it, and if you are, he’ll be sure to tell you to stop. he genuinely feels like you’re gonna give him grey hair. definitely inspects your hands several times a day and will act like a disappointed father if he sees a new wound/scab. he then kisses them ‘so they heal faster’. carries bandaids with him too now.

bachira would have no idea what to make of your habit, but he’s worried. when he’s with you and he notices you’ve began picking at your skin, he’ll take your hand in his and won’t let go no matter how much you try to tug it away. he’ll give you the most miserably, kicked-puppy look if you’re doing it. it’s as if he’s the one feeling the pain. also carried bandaids with him, but his are not normal bandaids…. they’re sanrio. pompompurin bandaids, more specifically. might end up crying if you hurt yourself badly. constantly worries worries worries, same level as isagi.

ness would have a panic attack if he sees you peeling your skin. like he might gasp or scream and start fretting and fussing. he’ll start looking around for bandaids and stuff and his hands would be shaking. he literally thinks you’ll bleed out and does not understand why you’re taking this so lightly. always eyes your hands when you’re with him. squints to see if you’ve got new wounds and is very happy if he doesn’t find any. ruffles your hair as a reward haha. if he does find any, you better start praying.

#alexis ness x reader #kuon wataru x reader #Chigiri hyoma x reader #bllk x reader #itoshi rin x reader #shoei barou x reader #reo mikage x reader #itoshi sae x reader

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beesmygod · 9 hours

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yesterday was webcomics day. i am bea and i make "A Ghost Story" - part 4: the art

this part i feel like gets done semi-easy once the rest of the shit is dealt with. yesterday, my knuckles continued to swell and feel like rotten wood so i had to cut it short. this shit happens more frequently than i would prefer. today i need to run to the store and also pick myself up a lil treat (an eighth). for right now tho i have some cbd rich stuff that should help. maybe. while the index finger still hurts, only the middle knuckle is swollen anymore. let's see.

i started with panels 2 and 3 bc they seemed the least immediately labor intensive. ill be copy/pasting the line/flats for panel 3 to edit from there. t...there's going to be a lot of copy/paste this page. its not usually like that. but i usually only copy/paste the lines and flats. i will re-shade things so that they look different

unlike the sketch, the lineart has more "weight" to it. wait thats not how the pillow would deform. hold on.

ok that's better. did people even notice that before i changed it. probably not. but it matters to me!!!!! these little things add up and add weight to your world!!!! ive been trying new things with line as as of [looks at watch] last week. so it looks bad right now. like someones vague idea of what good lineart is supposed to look like. practice makes perfect tho....or breeds familiarity or something.

some parts of this look weird. dont worry. we will cover up that shit with speech bubbles. thank you comics for your ways of obfuscating bad art.

flats are easy. select everything that isnt your line art, invert the selection, and dump a base layer. then color that base layer with a mask

this page will, blessedly, not have any complex backgrounds. i already established the scene previously and can skate on doing my textured backgrounds. the background gradients in the direction the light in the room is being cast, usually.

first, a multiply layer at 50%. since she's facing away from the light source, she'll be mostly in shadow. then a white overlay layer at 50%; this is to make the first shadow layer pop and keep from getting too muddy. then a second multiply layer at 50% for the next layer of shadows.

added some sweat beads to make her look more haggard and some shine to her hair, since she's so close to the light. i've started bothering doing this bc it unfortunately looks good. finally i add one more multiply layer at 40% over her eyes to make her look more over this entire thing. and then added the red glow in another overlay layer (100%) where it would land if being cast from above.

completely servicable and theres room for like. a speech bubble later. usually i do text first, but in this case its so secondary to the actions being performed, i want to prioritize one over the other.

looking at it, im not going to be able to copy/paste this after all. she's going to settle in more and her body will rotate too much in the process. i can use this as a base to trace over, though, which will get me started.

but pain is occurring so im going to eat breakfast. what a bitch!

#a ghost story #webcomics #web comics #webcomic #webcomic day

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emovulture · 19 hours

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New around here, I'm very much liking your blog and your bots! I am curious, I know what a furrys is but therian stuff is new? What is it? Sorry, kinda awkward at asking and stuff but I'm kinda unsure and shy about asking questions like this since it's about how people identify and stuff, it can be real personal. If you don't feel like answering it's fine! No pressure! I just feel like asking from someone who identifies as this is better than just looking up a definition. Continue with the cool blog and bots!

Aaa!! Thank you for coming to me with this question, I'm more then happy to explain! :3

A Therian is someone who involuntarily identifies as an animal on all levels except physical. Therians are fully aware that they're physically human, but mentally, they are an animal. Some Therians have had past lives, and some haven't.

Of course, there are physical non-humans. Although I don't know as much about them, from my understanding they are Individuals who do not identify as a human physically. (There is also otherkin, and such, but again, I don't know a whole lot about otherkin, so I apologize!!)

As you know, being a furry is a hobby, but being a Therian is an identity. You cant become a Therian like you can become a furry, you're born a Therian and can't just quit being one. We go through an "awakening" or sorts, and it's when you finally realize you're a Therian! Let's take me, for example:

(if you don't want a whole ass story you don't have to read this lmao but there is important information too)

I awakened last year, about mid-December 2023. A few years back (about 2021), I met a Therian, and at first I thought it was a little weird, but didn't really care enough to do research. Although, just about a year later, I remembered this person, and decided to watch a few videos, educate myself on what Therianthropy was because I was finally curious enough to care (I was a bit of an anti-Therian back then 💀)

After a while, i began to pick up on the some signs, and I recalled how I was like in my childhood; I liked to howl and bite, dig sand like I was a dog/wolf, I was very hyper at times and liked to run around, I liked to squeal and jump, etc. Sure, some of these were simultaneously just things kids did, but there were such obvious signs that I was very likely to be a Therian. And as of early 2023, I started to think there was something missing about myself, like I had yet to know who I was. And blah, blah, blah, now here I am, knowing proudly that I'm a Therian.

I'm sorry for blabbering on a out all of this, but I really think it's important to educate more people about Therianthropy, and to try to make more people accepting of it. Just like Furries, I don't think Therians will ever become "normal" to everyone, but it's worth a try.

I'd also like to remind everyone that Therianthropy is different for EVERYONE, and it's also not all about the masks, tails or quadrobics. Anyone can the masks and tails and do quads, but Therians are one of a kind.

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scummy-writes · 2 days

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I do this often but sorry for just. Postin a lot, and not posting fully finished smutfics lately.

I'm being more self-fulfilling with what I am writing lately, and I joke about the piss fic a lot, but it's also random ships, random fluff, this and that.

However, I am painfully aware that smut is why the majority of the followers I have follow me. I am aware that a lot of you came from vamp, from me writing Isaac and Arthur, sometimes theo, comte, etc... and now i've flipped around to writing someone who, in comparison, is a creep and not at all the character types you guys came here for- and I'm writing weird smut that isnt really super sexy? Some of it was, but then some of it was me opening up a word doc and sharing my thoughts in odd ways.

I am... having fun. On ao3 ive been going back and forth with drabbles/ideas with a new friend. Ive written out hcs that were purely just for me and realized that very bluntly and very quickly, I've shared some sfw stuff that was also bluntly shown to be just for me. And while I am not looking at it going "my writing sucks", I am looking at them and feeling a bit lonely on here at times. I often feel like I am talking to a void. I don't know how to change that outside of posting detailed smutfics that focus on things I may not want to focus on right now.

Outside of Glimpses of Teal and Auburn, and outside of random drabbles/reqs/comms I make, I don't think there is going to be future fanfics I make of Isaac and Arthur. I love them, I love them a lot! But ive also explored a Lot with them. I've also written them for years. There is more I would like to write, I have random Isaac wips that I still think about very often, but other ideas hit me more. I would rather set expectations to a realistic setting, rather than make a vague promise that isn't guaranteed.

Thats been weighin on me a lot lately, especially with villains releasing. I can tell i am likely going to enjoy later routes, they're ticking off a lot of boxes on themes I like but typically don't feel safe exploring in other media, so then I know I'd be juggling three interests at once and thats very difficult for me. I really dont know how so many writers can writer for a multitude of fandoms at once, I feel like the max for me is 2, or a vague 3. (And realistically, its possible villains will just be a thing I enjoy consuming more than creating for).

I do have comms I am working on, and outside of those I do not know when I will have a normal smutfic again. I enjoy exploring other things, but again I do know that its not why a majority of you are here!! I don't say this as a "ill make one soon!" psa, but rather... I'm having fun. I'm aware its not everyones cup of tea, but its not going away anytime soon. If that's something that displeases you, I would recommend thinkin about just occasionally checkin in on my blog instead, or just asking to be on my taglist so you can just get pinged for things without having to follow me.

And, well. I am chatty. I like having distractions from irl, and sometimes I pop in here in burts of posts. I say sorry since i know the anxiety is Clear and Radiating off of those posts, and sometimes I just feel awkward about it.

#scum talks #still gonna talk tho. im gonna yap.#im quiet irl i gotta yap somewhere. yap yap

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stilllivinginhalliwellmanor · 2 days

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What are five unpopular opinions you have about Charmed?

This is the first ask I've ever gotten! I'm very excited but a little nervous that my UOs will annoy the few mutuals I'm lucky enough to have :) Here we go...

While I love aspects of every season (yes, even S8!), season one is my favorite of the series. It suffers from some inevitable rookie season clunkiness, but I love the overall tone and feel of it. Getting to watch the sisters first discovering their powers and reconnecting with one another is such a joy. As a mystery junkie, I also really like how Andy's presence as Prue's significant other and a detective gave the season a few minor crime/mystery elements. S1 is second only to S2 as the season when I love Phoebe most, and S1 Piper is my very favorite Piper of the series. Oh, and S1 Leo is utterly adorable :)

I don't really like P3, the so-called 'hottest club in town' lol. I could never envision Piper as someone who'd even enjoy going to loud and crowded nightclubs, let alone owning one and having to spend nearly every single evening there. I know the show wanted an excuse to showcase music, but most of it happens to be music I don't particularly like. And it's not like Piper seemed to really enjoy owning and running P3 - her passion was always cooking, and more often than not the club just became another item on the long list of stuff she was perpetually stressed about. I don't know, for some weird reason I just preferred seeing the sisters hanging out at home or at a place like Quake.

I completely understand why Phoebe/Cole is an OTP for so many, but they just never really resonated with me, and I personally dislike the impact that Cole's presence had on Phoebe's character arc and the show's overall tone. But obviously shipping is very subjective. I hope my Phole-loving mutuals aren't rushing to hit the unfollow button!

I know we talk a lot about how Piper changed throughout the series, but my UO is that Phoebe changed far more drastically. The Phoebe we got for the first 2.5ish seasons is literally among my very favorite television characters ever, but in mid to late seasons she was almost unrecognizable to me. It's not as if I ever dislike her, but so much of what made Phoebe's personality and outlook on being a witch unique to me was either stripped away or given to Paige (because the show apparently believes that sibling age order determines 95% of someone's personality- even when some of those siblings first meet as fully developed adults lol). I could never dislike Phoebe and she's still very important to me, but her core personality traits, values and even day-to-day mannerisms just seemed entirely different to me in mid to late seasons as compared to her early season self.

I love Paige's S7/S8 brown hair much more than I liked her blonde or red hair. This is a highly controversial opinion among my few real life friends who also watched the show :)

#thanks so much for sending me an ask!#charmed #anti phole #anti phoebe x cole #prue halliwell #piper halliwell #phoebe halliwell #paige matthews #unpopular opinions #sorry if these answers were awful and please politely ignore the many grammatical errors!

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iraprince · 3 months

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Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow

hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.

like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.

anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better

#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages.#or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it.#i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') -#- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action.#also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally)#u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not--#--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control #as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of'#'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important'#bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem #but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine #i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and-#inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR #i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be #-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that #ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind

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