#this is almost 5000 words

[yourlocaldisneyvillain]

violet soul

a smutty lucifer x reader fic for your enjoyment have fun <3 i feel embarrassed i was able to produce such filth :))))))

triggers warnings: dubious consent (the reader is not sober while giving consent! while they do believe they have given consent, they are not realising they're being manipulated into it!) and just like rough sex i guess haha but nothing requiring a specific trigger warning

hope you enjoy!!!

*slithers back into the void*

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You started having… dreams, recently. Very odd dreams. They feel real, way too real, and you wake covered in sweat, and the only thing you are able to think about is the dream, as if you’re still there. When you manage to fall asleep again, you simply continue where you left off. 

The dreams consume your waking life. You think about them constantly. Images, smells and sounds remind you of them. 

After a few weeks, you visit a therapist and complain about nightmares. She listens and nods sympathetically, and then she asks what the dreams are about. You open your mouth to tell her and find that you can’t. 

“They aren’t about anything, really. They are just… vivid,” you say, feeling embarrassed because of course you know what they’re about. If only you could remember right now. 

She looks at you with confusion in her eyes. “It’s okay, you can tell me,” she says gently. 

You wish you could, but you don’t know. You spend the rest of the session talking about things that don’t matter.

Later, you leave her office with a feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach. You feel like a woman possessed. 

The second you leave her office you remember the dreams again. 

In your dreams, you wonder aimlessly through a very dark place. Nothing happens, really, but it’s scary. Everything is so vivid, so lifelike. You feel the cold stone underneath your feet, the unbearable heat in the air that makes it hard to breathe, the smell of something rotten, something burning. You can never find your way out. Sometimes, you catch glimpses of… creatures. You always make it a point to avoid them. They pay no attention to you anyhow, but they are disturbing to look at, their faces contorted, deformed, burned, melted. Some have teeth like wild animals, some have no faces at all. You couldn't describe them in detail, really, you never stare. You always feel like there is someone watching you, but when you turn, there is no one around. 

The therapy session feels like a defeat and you call a friend to complain. They are sympathetic. You talk for a while, and you feel better — finally, someone understands you. Maybe you aren’t crazy after all. 

Then she asks you what the dreams are about. You open your mouth and nothing comes out. Your voice is gone. 

“Hello? Do you hear me?” your friend asks. You stare at your phone.

“I’m here,” you say, your voice miraculously returning. “My mom is calling me. I’ll call you later, okay?”

You hang up. You call your mom and another friend. You cannot tell any of them about the nightmares. Either your voice disappears, or you can’t remember a single thing about the dreams. The concern and disbelief in their voices make your stomach churn. You know they don’t believe you. You feel crazy. 

It’s evening already and you are so tired. You have run out of people to call and you’re not sure you’d even want to call anyone anymore. You feel on edge, weeks of poor sleep making you paranoid. You start wondering whether all of this is another nightmare. You try pinching yourself to wake up. It doesn’t work. You curl up on the sofa and turn on the TV, turning the channel to something mindless. 

You don’t notice when you fall asleep.

You are in that place again. A sickly sweet smell of something rotten is filling the air. The dark corridor you find yourself in is long and narrow, lit by torches that cast an orange glow onto the dark stone around you. There are doors all throughout it. You turn around. The corridor seems to be never-ending on both sides. You suppose there is no difference which direction you take, then. As soon as you start walking you see the door in front of you open and a black demon with no face steps onto the corridor. You scream and run in the opposite direction. You hear no footsteps behind you and you know it isn’t following you — they never do — but you can’t make yourself stop running. You run and you run and you run through the never-ending corridor. It’s hard to breathe, the air is so hot and it’s stuffy and you’re feeling dizzy and you hear your heartbeat in your ears, but you never stop. 

You don’t know how long you’ve been running when you find yourself at the end of the corridor. There is a grand door in front of you. Without thinking you try to open it, and it’s so heavy you have to use your entire body weight to push it. 

As you open the door, you find that the air is suddenly lighter. The rotten smell is no longer there, and instead it smells faintly of violets. Violets are your favourite flowers. You inhale deeply, relieved you can finally breathe.

The place you find yourself in is enormous, lit by torches. The ceiling is so high you aren’t sure you can see all the way up to it. You could look around for hours and still not be able to take it all in. As you observe the enormous hall, your eyes catch a glimpse a tall, dark figure standing a few feet away from you. It has huge, black wings. You wonder how you didn’t notice it immediately upon entering. The figure is looking at you. 

You know that’s the Devil. For some reason, you aren’t surprised. 

Somehow, you are now standing next to each other. 

The Devil is beautiful, you think, with their cherubic face and bouncy white curls that seem so soft, almost angelic, and you have to fight the urge run your fingers through them. 

The Devil is tall, so tall. Their stature is elegant, feminine. You admire their broad shoulders, the gentle curve of their breasts underneath their silken red robe, their imposing, black wings.

What really pulls you in are the eyes. It’s not that they’re a lovely cerulean blue, so deep you might get lost in them, it’s that they are looking at your very soul. 

They are the first to speak. 

“Finally, we meet officially, little lamb.”

Their voice sounds like the sweetest sin, silky and smooth and melodious. You find yourself enamoured with it. 

“Are you behind my nightmares?” you ask. 

“How pleasant your stay here is is entirely up to you,” they say and cock their head. 

“What do you mean, my stay here? This is a dream. I am still at home, in my bed,” you say, confused. 

“Not quite. You could be, if you so wished. But you wished to be here, didn’t you?” The corner of their lip curls slightly, as if they find all of this amusing. 

“I haven’t slept in weeks, and you tell me that’s by my own volition? That I wished to be here?” 

You can’t believe your ears.

“Think, little lamb,” they say, their voice sickly sweet. “You have called for me, don’t you remember? You said you were lonely.”

Dread fills you when you realise you do remember. It was a joke, a drunken escapade. You were out with your friends, drinking. You went into the woods. The moon was full. You were, as per usual, the clown of the group, making everyone laugh, complaining how you were the only one without a girlfriend. You climbed onto an old log, and proclaimed, “I would sell my soul to the Devil for a girlfriend! Fuck, I am so lonely!” and you laughed, and everyone laughed. They teased you, saying you surely don’t mean it, and you said, “of course I mean it,” and you spun around, took a swig of the cheap wine you brought along, and called upon the Devil three more times. 

“Tell the Devil I mean it”, you said, “tell her I’d fuck her if she would have me, I am so fucking horny,” and you laughed and everyone laughed, and you were drunk, and you don’t remember the rest of the night or how you got home. The next morning you were so hungover you barely remembered anything that happened. 

Until now. 

“Loneliness is a demon that eats at people. I would know,” they chuckle, the sweetest sound. “Especially humans… Humans crave connection, they simply long for it. And you are lonely,  my sweet little dove, I can feel it.”

“I—” you started, but they interrupt you. 

“Don’t worry, lamb, I am here to help you. That’s why you’ve asked for me, haven’t you?”

You want to tell them you didn’t ask for this, it was a mistake, you didn’t really mean it, you were drunk, you take it back—

Their silky voice cuts through your thoughts. 

“Tell me, would you like to be my friend?”

When the Devil asks you to be their friend you ought to tread carefully. 

“What happens if I refuse the Devil’s offer for friendship?” you ask.

They chuckle. They lean in, impossibly close. You are scared to death, afraid they will hurt you. You squeeze your eyes shut. You feel them in your space, around you, everywhere. Their wings flutter around you. 

They don’t lay a finger on you, however. You feel hot breath on your ear.

“I prefer Lucifer,” they whisper in your ear. You notice that Lucifer smells faintly of violets and burning wood.

“I realise you are reluctant to accept my offer for friendship. However, would you like to take a stroll with me?”

You open your eyes and see them towering over you. A shiver runs down your spine.

You are still unsure. 

“You don’t have to, of course,” Lucifer says, “but it will probably be a while before you wake. Might as well kill the time.”

They do have a point, you think. 

“I guess we can take a stroll,” you say and they grin at you. It’s a dangerous sort of smile. You find it incredibly charming. 

They offer you their arm to lean on. After a second of consideration, you take it. 

Their arm is warm, and as you link yours underneath it you immediately feel safe.

You blink, and suddenly you are in the most beautiful garden you have ever seen. Your mouth gapes open in awe. 

“Are we still in Hell?” you ask. 

“We are indeed. This is where I take my friends.”

You stay silent for a moment, taking in the beauty around you as you walk. Violets are blooming at every step. 

“How did you know violets are my favourite flower?” 

“Oh, are they? A mere coincidence,” says Lucifer and grins widely at you, flashing their white teeth.

You walk together for a while. Their strong arm is supporting you and you can’t help but be enamoured with them. Every once in a while, you feel their wing brush against your back. It sends delicious shivers down your spine. Their white curls are bouncing ever so slightly as they walk and you find yourself staring. They don’t seem to mind. The weirdest thing is, you can’t remember the last time you felt this peaceful. You find yourself thinking you could get used to this.

“Why do you want me as your friend, though?” you ask after a while, “What do you hope to gain from that?”

“Why, I hope gain a friend. And as for why I want you in particular as my friend…” they stop walking and look at you. “I do find your soul utterly captivating.”

“I must admit, I am surprised you haven’t asked what you will gain from our friendship. Don’t you wish to know?” they cock their head ever so slightly. Their piercing eyes are looking at your soul again. You feel naked. You cannot look away.

“Tell me, please,” you say.

“Think of every desire you’ve ever had. Every sinful thought that ever crossed your mind. Everything you never thought you could have. Do it.”

You do it. 

“Did you imagine it?” They take your chin in their hand. You feel your skin tingle under their fingers. They lean in, closer, closer, closer, until their nose is almost touching yours. You feel their hot breath on your lips. 

“It’s yours to have now.”

You feel dizzy. Your chest is heaving. You feel a craving, a desire you can’t name, and you can imagine the sweet gratification of its fulfilment. 

“Everything?” you ask, your voice hoarse. 

“Everything,” they say, and the hot breath that washes over your lips makes you wild. They are still holding your chin. It’s not painful but you can’t move. 

“May I… make a request then?” You are so overcome by desire that you struggle to think.

They chuckle, a puff of heat on your lips. “Greedy girl. You already made your request that night in the woods. But I will humour you. Make one more.”

You barely comprehend what they’re saying. All you feel is desire. Your eyes drift to their wings. 

“May I… touch your wings?”

You want to touch their beautiful wings so badly, but you are waiting for permission. There is a second of silence. To you, it seems like an eternity. 

Finally, they speak. 

“I said, whatever you desire. I fulfil my promises.”

They turn around slowly. You find yourself face to face with their wings. They are jet black, but you can see little veins running through them if you look closely. They seem impossibly smooth. 

You reach as far up as you can and run the back of your fingers all the way to the place where the wings grow out of their back. Lucifer shivers. 

Encouraged by that reaction you repeat the same motion again and again, then mirror it on the other wing with your other hand. Then you run your hands all along the base of their wings. 

Lucifer moans. 

The sound sends a jolt straight to your core. The wave of arousal helps you gather the courage to plant a hot kiss on their right wing. They moan again. You continue to kiss your way to the base of their wings, then all the way down along their spine until you reach the very end of it. The moans they are letting out are unholy. You fall down to your knees, your hands on their hips now. You want to continue your way down, but you are not sure if you’re allowed to. It takes an absurd amount of effort to stop. 

“Can I?” you ask, hoping, praying they will say yes. 

They turn around and look down at you. Their piercing gaze makes you dizzy, makes you want to pray to the Devil. 

They snap their fingers and suddenly you are in that grand hall from before. There is a throne there now and they are sitting on it. You are still on your knees in front of them. 

“Take what you desire,” they say.

“You may touch me here,” they touch their knee, “or here,” they move their hand upwards on their  thigh, “or there,” they slip their hand underneath their red robe. When they pull their hand out their fingers are glistening. You feel your mouth water. 

“Or even there,” they continue, their tone almost nonchalant, as they slowly, deliberately pull the robe off of their shoulders, exposing two small, perfect breasts. “Wherever you wish, my pet.”

You don’t need to be told twice. You start by kissing their leather boot. They seem to like that.

“Yes,” they say, their voice breathy, “worship me.”

And worship them you do. 

You slowly reach underneath their long red robe, running your hands over their boots and then reaching their smooth knees. You spread the robe open and kiss your way up their calves to their knees. You are moving on from their knees to their thighs, leaving a trail of hot kisses on their impossibly soft skin, when they move one of their legs up and put it over the armrest of the throne, spreading themselves in front of you. They aren’t wearing anything underneath the robe and you are met with the sight of their glistening arousal. You barely stop yourself from burying your face in those silky folds immediately — you want to kiss your way up to them, you want to savour it. 

You continue kissing their milky thighs, revelling in the way they feel under your lips. Lucifer’s breathing is getting more ragged by the second. You bite into their thigh. It feels like sin.

“Naughty thing,” they let out a breathy chuckle. “Bite me again.”

You bite their thigh again and they moan. You can’t restrain yourself anymore and you bury your face into their pussy. They grab a fistful of your hair. You suck, you lick, and there is no method to it, only lust. You are overwhelmed by how good their arousal tastes and you just want more, more, more. 

Their wings flutter around you. One of them touches your back, and you remember how much you caressing them made them moan. 

Lucifer is grinding on your face now and it’s so hot you almost don’t manage to pull away. You look up at them and say, “I want to touch your wings.”

“Go ahead, then,” they say. They are ever so slightly out of breath and their gaze is hooded and heavy. 

You climb up into their lap. With one hand you reach between their legs, running your fingers along their wetness, and with the other you start caressing one of their wings. The moan Lucifer lets out as soon as your hand touches their wing is sin itself. You start kissing their neck as you caress the wing with one hand and circle their clit with the other. You keep the motions on their clit steady, but you experiment with touching their wings, squeezing their breasts, alternating between the two, touching different spots, seeing which one makes them moan louder. What sends them over the edge is when you give their wing a hot, open mouthed kiss. They let out a high pitched moan and you feel them tense up underneath you. You continue to touch them until they push your hands away. 

Their orgasm is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever witnessed. But still, you desire more, more, more. You feel frenzied and hot all over. 

“Please,” you say, “may I request one more thing?”

“You’ve requested enough things,” they say and push you away from their lap. You fall on the floor. 

“Please, I will do anything.” 

Mistake. But you don’t care. Lust is making you lose your mind.

“Anything? Well, aren’t you a greedy little slut.”

The word sounds sinful when they say it, their gentle voice and angelic face clashing with the crudeness of it on their lips.  

They get up from the throne, silken robe closing around their legs, no longer exposing them. Their breasts are still bared. They tower above you. 

“First you get drunk, like a naughty little girl you are, then you go into the woods and call for Lucifer Morningstar, the Ruler of Hell, like they’re a servant who is here to grant your pathetic little desires.”

You are still on the floor, looking up at them. You feel like you’re about to cry, but you are also still burning with desire, the ache between your legs not waning for a second. It’s almost uncomfortable.

“And now, you ask me to touch you. Greedy, greedy girl,” they sneer. 

“However, to show you I am still interested in being your friend, I will grant your request. Get up.”

You get up as quickly as you can. You feel hot, way too hot. You feel a throb between your legs, uncomfortable, unrelenting. You wonder if that’s what happens when you fuck the Devil. 

They grab your jaw. “You like it when I do that, don’t you?”

You want to nod, but you can’t, their grip is too strong. “Yes,” you say instead.

“Let me tell you a little secret, as your friend.” They lean in. Smell of violets overwhelms you. “I like it too,” they whisper. Their hot breath on your ear almost makes you fall apart.

They let out a melodious chuckle and kiss your neck. You shiver, but you feel like you’re on fire.

“Oh, poor thing,” they coo at you. “I haven’t even started yet, and you are already falling apart. Tell me, pet, what made you think you’d be able to endure being fucked by me, hm?”

“I… didn’t think that. I didn’t think anything, I was drunk—” you say, feeling embarrassed.

“Oh, but you did, sweet lamb. You said it yourself. Tell the Devil I mean it, tell her I’d fuck her if she would have me, I am so fucking horny.” Their voice is sickeningly sweet. “Well, what if she would have you, hm? What would you do then?”

“I—I don’t know.” You can only think about the ache between your legs. 

“Hm. Well, then I shall have to fuck you and see.”

They bite into your neck. You cry out. They grab a fistful of your hair and pull you towards themselves, clashing your lips together. They forcefully slip their tongue into your mouth, claiming you, making you theirs. You can barely breathe. 

They snap their fingers and suddenly you’re naked. If this was any other scenario, you’d feel self conscious, but you can’t bring yourself to care. You are consumed by lust and you feel like you’re going crazy. 

They break the kiss. “You wanted me to touch you. Like this?” 

You gasp when they slap you. You hate yourself for liking it. 

“You like that, I know,” they say softly, “but it’s not enough. You still need more. Tell me, what would you do for more?”

“Anything.”

You’re burning. 

“Anything? Oh, I do hope you mean that.” 

They lean in and kiss the cheek they just slapped, the softest, warmest kiss that makes you tingle. It feels like heaven. They run their hands over your breasts, squeezing them with gusto, then pinch and twist your nipples forcefully, making you yelp. 

“Will you be my friend, then?” they ask sweetly, pulling you closer and squeezing your ass, making you moan.

You are too dizzy and too hot to form sentences. They spank you forcefully. You moan again, louder this time.

“Answer me.”

“Yes, yes, anything,” you say. 

They smile. It’s lecherous and it sends a shiver straight to your core.

“Finally, pet. But you have kept me waiting for far too long. I feel like some sort of punishment must be in order.” 

They snap their fingers again and you find yourself bent over their knee as they sit on their throne.

“Thirthy-three strikes. Count.”

They don’t give you even a second to process the command before they start spanking you. You lose count immediately, only aware of the delicious jolts to your core each time they spank you. 

“I said, count.” They spank you so forcefully you see stars. A single tear rolls down your cheek. “Now look what you’ve done, I have to start all over again.” 

They start spanking you again, and this time you count. It gets harder towards the end, and you can't stop yourself from crying. Your pussy is throbbing with need— you’ve never experienced anything quite that intense — and each slap on your red ass makes you flinch. Pain and pleasure mix in a delicious way and it’s overwhelming, but you still need more. 

“Thirty-three,” you finally cry out as they spank you for the last time. 

Not giving you a second to recover, they pull you up into their lap with ease. You wince in pain as your ass touches their thigh. 

“Aw, poor baby,” they say mockingly. “Let me dry those tears.”

They catch one of your tears with their finger and put it in their mouth. They moan in pleasure at the taste. 

“Delicious. Try it.” They catch another tear, ever so gently, then slip two fingers into your mouth.

“Suck.” 

You obey.

“See, you can be a good girl when you want to,” they say gently. “Yes, such a good girl.”

You melt at their praise. It makes you warm all over. They pull their finger out of your mouth with a wet pop. 

They kiss you again, this time softly, delicately. They run their nails over your back, the most gentle of touches, but it makes you shiver and burn and shake. They put one hand on your neck, tangle it into your hair, bringing you closer, closer, closer, while the other hand finds itself on your waist. They slip their tongue in your mouth, and you lose yourself in their touch. You don’t know where you end and where Lucifer begins anymore, and that ache between your legs feels like actual hellfire. Maybe it is actual hellfire. Maybe that’s what happens when the Devil fucks you. You don’t know.

Their hands are everywhere, and you aren’t sure how many hands there are anymore, and you don’t know where you are, you don’t know who you are — the only thing you are aware of is Lucifer and fire, fire, fire between your legs. 

“Yes, my sweet lamb, moan for me,” they purr, and you are surprised to realise you are moaning rather loudly and unabashedly. You are barely aware of your actions, no longer in control of your body.

After an eternity of delicious agony, their fingers graze your clit. You feel like you’re about to fall apart.

They circle your clit, agonisingly slowly, and you wail. You tangle your fingers into their soft hair, trying to hold onto something to keep yourself from falling apart. 

“Oh, darling, I am barely touching you,” they say sweetly. “I do have to ask you before you lose yourself completely, do you want to stay here with me?”

You can barely comprehend what they’re saying. “Stay?” you manage to utter through your moans. You try to rut against their hand, but they grab you by the hips, holding you still. 

“Yes, lamb, stay still for a second longer, yes, that’s it,” they coo at you. “Good girl. Yes, will you stay here with me forever? For all eternity?”

“Eternity…?” 

There is a distant alarm going off somewhere in your head, but you can’t pull yourself together long enough to think rationally. They run their fingers over your wet slit and suddenly there are no more thoughts left in your mind. 

“Yes, my sweet. An eternity of pleasure, an eternity of this,” they hiss as they slip a finger inside of you. You grip their hair tighter, afraid you will fall apart. You have never experienced pleasure as intense as this. 

“Yes,” you say, “yes, yes, yes, please, yes. I want you so much, oh please, fuck—”

They start pumping their finger in and out, slowly, hitting just the perfect spot, but it’s not enough, you need more. 

“More, please, more, aah—” you scream as they slip another finger and start fucking you forcefully. It’s the most intense pleasure you’ve ever experienced. 

“Do we have a deal, then?” they ask, completely calm and collected as they fuck you into oblivion. 

If you were in your right mind, you would have been wary of making any sort of deal with the Devil. If you were in your right mind, you would have realised your fate was sealed that night in the woods and that they had you all along. But considering the Devil is currently kuckle deep in you, you have no chance. They know that. They simply enjoy toying with their prey. 

The only thing you manage to do is to scream an ear-piercing “yes” as you come. 

When you come down from your high, the fire you felt before is no longer between your legs, and it is no longer pleasant. It is in your soul. The air no longer smells of violets — it smells like rotten flesh. 

Lucifer gives you their sweetest smile. They look like a true cherub, the prettiest of angels. 

“Welcome to Hell, sweet lamb.”

#lucifer morningstar #the sandman #lucifer x reader #lucifer morningstar x reader #gwendoline christie #is a tag i guess i should use #but i feel too filthy to use her name as a tag for this garbage ahahahah #i guess i did it anyways #amazing how i can produce an almost 5000 words fic when i'm procrastinating work lol #this is smutty smutty smut fest #pls pay attention to the trigger warnings

[bokettochild]

This birthday fic is turning out really long? Legend, why are you so chatty? Also, Ravio and Hilda haven't even shown up yet? Can we get going? Please?

......oy vey, this won't be out until TOMORROW at the rate Legend's narrating. Sorry guys, I'm going, and he's going, and it is flowing, dancing even, but Legend's got a lot to say apparently!

I guess I've been ignoring him too long? I haven't written anything truly Legend-centric in a bit, or at least not fro his POV, so I guess he's bee pretty pent up this last month....

#lu legend #ketto's writing misadventures #also #legde are all these scenes really necessary? #they move the plot along but at a snails pace #not to gatekeep but #do we have to include all this? #we're at almost 5000 words already and it's not even to the birthday part?

[obsidian-art04]

Fishy

Ft. Bonus content for au that lives in my head rent-free (I'll include rambling under the cut + old concept art for it)

The au! Basically, it takes place on an ocean planet that turns creatures similar enough to its native sentient life into the same species

Somethin in the water turns the gays frog/hj (this joke is stolen from my friend)

Based on the environment around the individual, usually, and irreversible after the gills form (with the exception of more mammalian mer ofc)

Some people are immune, but thats not important

Some concept stuff, as a treat ^

All of this is subject to change as i write for it but :D

#levys art #levy draws #levys oc #fnaf au #fnaf oc #*does a lil dance as i hand this to you* #yes im working on a fic for it #its at like... almost 5000 words #and very rambly but thats just my writing style lol #based heavily off a mer au fic i really liked and subna/utica #<- censored that to avoid this post popping up in searches for it #i have been playing it a lot okay

[the-nysh]

Time for some in-depth trigunbookclub notes! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ First story arc 'episode': vol1 ch00-04~

A bit of a late start but I'm planning to reread the series again with the overhaul translation, hoping to catch what I might've missed the first time around vs Dark Horse's. Paying attention with more informed, detailed thoughts and impressions from the perspective of already knowing what happens later in the story. Special thanks to cerealandchoccymilk's translation notes comparing to their japanese copy for additional clarity!

Flipping through these pages again, and gosh I'm already surprised at how much information's densely packed in here! (I...may have miscalculated how long these commentaries might take...) I've already made some notes for the opening ch00: 'High Noon at July' prologue, and I'm not sure how far I can sustain this same level of detail (maybe I'll surprise myself), but for now I'll try to focus on what else I can observe and talk about from the manga's first official story 'arc' - which lasts for the first 3ish chapters, corresponding to the 98anime's episode 5: 'Hard Puncher.' Stampede actually begins with this same story arc in eps1-2! :O In short, about the town suffering in decline from their malfunctioning Plant problems, desperately in need of money that Everyone (citizens, hunters, and outlaws alike) chases after Vash for the huge bounty on his head, until the Nebraska family shows up to escalate more trouble.

Yup, that's where the manga's story begins, as ch4 already speeds right on through to the Sand Steamer arc! (After a 2 week timeskip) Which the 98anime adapts later in ep7, and Stampede ep6! :O So the pace of the early manga is considerably much denser and faster, with plenty of details to note in between.

After the prologue sets the tone--ominously post-disaster with human survival and hope, ch1 opens with the iconic shot of Vash's Wanted poster. Many people have already noticed the...unusually vague and contradictory bits of information on him. So much is 'unknown' (note: Dark Horse lists an unknown birthplace while overhaul lists an unclear appearance) and yet...he's suspected to be the 'murderer' of someone with a fancy alias, as a 'young' (est age24) horrible killer who's also a pacifist?? 🤔 (How does that contradiction work out?) Who's believed 'capable' of mass destruction...and yet, there's nothing really conclusive he's indicted with here. Most of it feels like unconfirmed rumors and hearsay, so what's the actual truth? Who is he really? There's the additional tonal whiplash of seeing his ~smiley smiley~ easygoing (and old western themed) mugshot in contrast to the prologue's (sci-fi) bleak & desolate shot of a city that looks eerily destroyed by a post-nuclear bomb, released or shot from a clear direction leveled at ground zero. Something disastrously huge happened here to account for that ridiculous sum of $$60 billion on his head, with way more missing info than the suspicions he's listed for. Something doesn't add up here, so that's what the rest of the story's about--for us to find out~

First impressions of actual manga Vash (just from this introductory arc alone)....and he's a cute & silly little guy! :'D Whose attention is sharp and alert (he's definitely no idiot) to his surroundings sensing danger, with quick reaction times and even quicker resourceful fingers. A little odd and creature-y; how does he move that way and get himself into so many ridiculously contorted pretzel upskirt positions?! (Ahem: Nightow gives him all the 'fanservice' shots so the women don't have to; I respect that~ Hey, and why do the 4 buttons on his coat's collar keep mysteriously unbuttoning away in the breeze like that too, c'mon!!) Very animated and openly emotive with range, from the uwuest sad puppy eyes ever seen (accentuated with pretty corner lashes~) to flipping into irritation as someone who's not above using petty sass to make his points either. Oh he cries, both blubbering to himself about his own misfortunes and empathetic to others' pain, and oh he gets angry with dialed up severity too. And yet...he's a nice guy (who's gentle and considerate with women!!! 📣 with none of that 98 weirdness shown here at least, and easily makes friends with kids; all these are good signs) with an aloof air of mysterious distance, like he's a tired, traveling loner. Who seems like he'd just happily prefer to keep to himself out of trouble, simply trying to enjoy his meals in peace...until people rudely inconvenience him or interrupt his day with violent guns blazing!! D: Oh my god what an upsetting life (everyone's so mean to him~) give this poor guy a break with some actual Rest and peace please!

More in-depth thoughts from chapter 01: 'The 60 Billion Double Dollar Man' Immediately the setting is a very lawless, harsh place to live. With daily injuries and murder cases galore, where violence is so commonplace that even kids yearn for their own guns someday (wow D:) People might be cold and inconsiderate to others, cause everyone has it Hard here--everyday is a struggle, but the biggest telling observation -to me- is that no one is evil. :O Everyone presented this arc simply does what they must to survive, that resorting to violence (without malice) simply becomes a necessitated choice or way of life for many. :') That, in itself, clues me in that humanity is not evil, despite how it may appear. (I'll continue this more.)

I say this because the group of bandits who violently open fire on Vash in the diner, aren't there to hurt anybody else--they're only after his bounty (nothing personal), and in fact they assure the waitress they'll even repair the damages with that money later. Vash Notices(tm)~ Creatively resolving the situation thru non-lethal distraction, attrition, and his de-escalation + marskman skills using a child's toy. (So you see kid~ real guns aren't needed to win and save the day~) And I'm glad the overhaul translation made it clear the group volunteered giving up all their clothes & weapons to pay for the diner's damages as they concede defeat (that was...nice? of them), rather than simply walking away in humbled shame. Cause in the Dark Horse tl and old anime I didn't quite understand why they all suddenly stripped like that (to Vash's uncomfortable surprise: he didn't make them or expect they'd do that gesture either.)

We get some of our first classic Vash lines! yay~ Dark Horse kinda awkwardly botches his purple-prosey way to express his ongoing quest for 'Love & Peace,' so overhaul sounds more natural and faithful to the 98anime here: "[I'm a] hunter of peace, who continues to chase the elusive mayfly of love." (as opposed to a 'peaceful hunter' for the 'dragonfly' of love...which doesn't make much sense, since dragonflies are the hunters Dark Horse pls) Because striving for peace in this violent land is hard, and love itself (not necessarily 'romantic,' since familial and platonic kinds exist too) is as rare, short-lived, and precious to find here as a mayfly's tragically short lifespan...:') Man...

The whole thrifty 'price of one bullet for [insert any amount of food]' joke, cause whether pizza, pancakes (he ate those in the 98anime here), or donuts, his point still stands that choosing more food to live is more important/valuable than buying more bullets for killing & violence~

Violence which! He reasons that since no one likes to receive pain, he's decided to avoid any casualties. Apparently Dark Horse has the more accurate tl here, as it's about 'receiving' it: "pain isn't something anyone likes, right?" over rhetorically asking whether anyone can forgive 'doing harm' (overhaul). Because just SAYIN, as someone like him who personally KNOWS pain and what it's like to receive it etched all over his body, of course he'd feel awful and project empathize when others get hurt too. Never wishing they'd come to suffer the same as him. As long as he can help it, never again--whether that's to the pacifist level of preventing, stopping, relieving, or taking their pain upon himself in their place. But perhaps only lightly alluded to though or maybe I'm reading too much into his awkward sweating closed-off expression, since even he can't fully explain it yet; all the pain and scars of his past and the reasons why he refuses to kill aren't fully revealed yet~

...Oh my god, and we see our first official Plant bulb - which is so utterly bizarre to see it standing so bare and 'alone' surrounded by what amounts to only a roadside gas station & diner in the middle of nowhere. We know a single Plant can sustain a whole town..so why...it's almost like it was only recently 'dropped' (off the 'ship') or discovered as still active that civilization hasn't had enough time to properly settle around it...hmm.

But it marks the resting stop and first official appearance of Meryl & Milly! YES!! The girls show up in ~chapter one~ and are here to STAY, as important characters from beginning to end! 🎉 Meryl arrives with all the aura and swag of one whose larger than life ~presence~ belies her small frame. She's here for a reason, determined on a mission with a job to do, and has no time of day (she seems used to it as one who's experienced much of this before) for men who won't take her seriously or who make vulgar jokes at her (their) expense--thank you Milly's giant stungun for the karmic slap in their stead; don't dismiss, disrespect, ignore, or overlook these ladies, now!

I love that the moment Meryl's told the whereabouts of Vash, along with the wise advice to stay away from the current danger in that city--BAM she's already heading out the door (ditching Milly and their meal order?!) Reminds me how in the 98anime she ditched Milly in hot pursuit jumping off a tower wearing a parachute--like HELLO? Meryl pls! But here THEY'RE OFF~ on their way while Vash is...ulp, welp he's in trouble. :'D

Chapter 02: 'Looney Tunes' More worldbuilding's revealed to flesh out what we first glimpsed in the prologue: it's been over a 100yrs since humans crash-landed onto this desert planet and built up cities around the fallen ships, closely dependent on the viable technology brought within them. The first (!!) time the name 'Vash the Stampede' made history was once one of those major cities--lost July, was wiped off the map. Links are connecting, especially if he was deemed the prime suspect responsible for its sudden, unexplained destruction. The prologue said this disaster happened in year 0104, which matches being over a hundred years since humanity's 'arrival,' but just how long ago has it been since that incident? For Vash's name to build that notoriety for his bounty? For him to remain dangerously at large, yet uncaught, like a mysterious urban legend humanoid 'bomb.' The narration implies it's been a while for his story to be 'passed though the ages,' but we shall see.

But no time to ponder about that, because immediate tonal whiplash! Current Vash is in trouble and distress, running around dodging bullets, grenades, and the silliest cartoony hijinks imaginable for his life. Since after those first few guys in ch1, now the entire town knows who he is to be after his bounty too! aaaa~

Meryl & Milly are already here! (urgently, in hot pursuit to do....?) Meryl's pissed at how carelessly the town's handing all the chaos, as if they're all childish fools unknowingly playing with a nuclear warhead set to blow. (So interestingly, that's her first presumption about Vash; she's likely done her homework on July's historical disaster report.) Scaring Milly so much about the imminent danger (this town could be the next to explode!) that Milly stops, deciding she doesn't want to go anymore. :O Ah!! This interestingly reveals Meryl's likely the braver, more headstrong leader of the two, who seems to know what she's doing. Which is...wait, what does she plan to do here, exactly?? AAAAA!!! Bringing a megaphone into a warzone--alright, silly silly silly. She's SO silly, but so brave. And reckless. :P (Go Meryl~) Actually I like that she sees everyone here as humans first, who--she thinks, can still listen to reason even riled up in a mob. But even with her most ridiculously polite and ~formal~ way of speaking, you guessed it: the crowd pays her 'request' no attention. :'D (aaa! she's ignored; much woe and irony~) But whatever she has to say is so important that Meryl's determined and desperate to have her voice heard!

While wondering what on earth these two insurance ladies can still possibly hope to achieve here, now that the situation's chaotically escalated to the point the town chairman's called in the Nebraska family to pit against Vash...I'd say, in contrast to the town's many unsuccessful, over-the-top bombastic methods to catch him so far, I find it...very interesting that the ones who actually silently corner Vash (at gunpoint) are a room full of women. :O Interesting, very interesting~ (It seems the women in this story are the ones who can effectively get shit done~ So Meryl & Milly? Let's have faith to see what else they got~) As armed mothers, sisters and wives, prepared to do whatever it takes to get the money needed to save their kids and town from dying. So remember what I said about how none of the humans shown here are evil? Cause these women, and this whole town really, are just trying to survive (while resorting to violence); everyone has their own reasons to be after that bounty, with no personal malice towards Vash himself. :')

Vash of course, sympathizes with their terrible plight. And holy shit they said they lost 50 Plants?! (that's a shitton! D:) How is he holding himself together so well--ah, he is forcibly holding back his tears. :') BUT he's doubly conflicted, because he asserts he cannot afford to stop (as in, getting captured or killed) before he sees 'Him' again. (We know who that is, as there's only one stabby guy that could be.) The 98anime dub happened to mistranslate this line as 'the guy you're after' (who, the waitress!? she doesn't even know who [redacted] is!) so I imagine the subjects/objects were vague enough in japanese for that mistake to happen. Still, there's nothing else to really imply what Vash intends to do when he sees 'him.' Is it for revenge or something else he plans to do? It's unclear, aside from how clearly Vash gets angry and serious when it comes to 'him' (bonus: yes as suspected, Vash uses 'ore' as his personal pronoun like in the 98anime when it comes to topics about 'him' I'm glad to see those jp scans to confirm) That it must be something so personal/sensitive/grave enough that he realllllllly doesn't want to resort to shooting a room full of women when he's cornered (don't force him!!! pls he's already begging them not to make him do this), so that he can escape and continue his quest without dying early here. Whew... Fortunately no one has to make that difficult decision yet, because (unfortunately) the Nebraska's rocket fist breaks that building tension...and literally the entire room first.

Uhoh? But surprise!!! Vash is unharmed, gently holding the same waitress who'd just aimed a gun at him before, and somehow he managed to write a sassy "kiss my ass!!" returning message on Nebraska's fist--MULTITASK ahoy! (Also where did Vash grab that marker??? hah who knows~) But Milly's so worried at this point--and smothering Meryl from seeing anything, that 'bomb-kun' (Vash) has been provoked enough to explode! lmao :P (but will he?)

Chapter 03: 'Hard Puncher' Once again I need to appreciatively state just how gentlemanly and careful Vash is with these injured women; he fishes them out of the rubble and carries them all out to safety, one by one. Even Nebraska patiently waits, chilling there smoking a cig, for Vash to finish! They may be a notorious, haughty, and highly destructive family of outlaws, but see even the Nebraskas here aren't evil. :O Even when Vash moves away from the women to make space (and this is different from how the 98anime did it) Nebraska still faithfully aims at him, not them. But Vash needlessly dives forward to bodily shield the women from the exploding debris anyway! :O (In the 98 anime Vash was far away but Nebraska aimed at the women to force a lesson on him to make a choice, here interestingly not so; the women aren't helplessly made targets like that.)

Nebraska finds Vash's behavior odd, cause this is a duel - a quick draw match between a gunman and a cyborg's flying rocket punch (Nebraska himself is only after the bounty too for his own reasons; nothing personal.) So with Vash's own survival on the line, why would he continue to risk harming himself to protect others? Nebraska finds his actions wanting to save everyone hypocritical, and the Dark Horse tl seems to make more sense (closer to the 98anime's lines), when his reasoning's about 'his turn' to either be eliminated or become, either directly or indirectly, the killer (aka kill or be killed, even the choice with the whole trolley problem) when the time comes faced against an opponent who gives him nothing but trouble someday. So if Vash has survived this long unscathed (just think about him emerging from the July rubble...) then someone else must've already died in his place before (or so Nebraska thinks, he doesn't know Vash tries to find other creative ways to win without casualties, and gloats that today is that turn for Vash to die~)

But then...suppose Vash has killed somebody in his past before (remember the prelude about July 👀), wouldn't his choice to change and practice no-killing now be an active improvement over that - as a measure of growth or atonement? And not the same 'hypocrisy' Nebraska means? It'd become that way if say, Vash broke his current philosophy once it becomes impossible/unsustainable to uphold, and he had to kill again someday (as a choice, orr...forcibly no choice as even the women who cornered him this ch almost forced him a tough decision he didn't want to make) despite everything---ahhh, so then what does Vash plan to do when he sees 'Him' again? If Vash chooses to kill him then...whoopdeedo, Nebraska's hypocrisy point will be made. But anyway...

It's the first time we see Vash don his glasses when it's time to ~Get Serious~ for shooting a quick draw match (vs a rocket punch--note again, how Nebraska only aims for Vash, not the women, unlike the 98anime.) And here, Vash is still faster than his opponent!! Unloading multiple bullets that force the fist to veer off-course and miss him~ While aiming to break the cyborg socket of that arm for good measure so it can't be punched again. Interestingly a male citizen says Meryl's lines from the 98anime expressing awe understanding now why this skilled man is called 'Vash the Stampede.' But manga Meryl has none of that identity crisis confusion; she already knows who this Vash is and is determined to get right down to business!

Which is....? Calling for everyone to stop the fight!!! oh but it's already over~ I'm marking this moment down as the first time Meryl & Milly make eye contact with Vash--them awkwardly yelling from the rooftop of a building with the same diplomatic intent in their methods as Vash, by wanting to resolve things peacefully!!!!

BECAUSE!! Oh, you thought the girls were only here to be a slapstick comedy duo? SURPRISE!!! THEY WERE HERE TO SAVE VASH ALL ALONG!!! ;A; That important 'thing' that Meryl was so desperately trying to announce to everyone this whole time--but could never get her voice heard, was that Vash's bounty has been officially rendered null! Void, invalid, zero! Everyone had only been fighting, trying to shoot him dead, and destroying their own damn city for nothing! AHHHHH!! (I totally understand your anger/frustration here, Meryl--an authentic and capable short woman's struggle to be listened to and taken seriously! UGH! ;o;)

[But that's curious--why so suddenly NOW, or er, yesterday, did the government decide to call off his bounty? This is so sudden, and it's only in the first story arc too! Pretty sure his bounty remains active for much longer in the 98anime before his status changes later. So what was the most recent occasion or reason?? Especially if it'd been years since lost July happened to build his bounty, why is he only declared a natural/localized disaster--like that of an earthquake or typhoon, now? 🤔🤔🤔 As someone who can't be compared on the same level as other human criminals--wait, then hold up: how does the government, or the insurance company really, intend to 'control' or contain him then? By sending out two women?? To deal with the most dangerous non-human category risk alive?! Who sent them out here expecting them to make contact and negotiate or die trying right in the line of fire! Ahem.]

For what it's worth, Vash looks the happiest he's ever been seen so far, rejoicing that ~HE'S FREE~ from that marked life of running from everyone who comes after his head. :'D No more bounty to worry about means peace for real, right? Well not so fast!!! The girls are still here with a job to do. Bernadelli's 'typhoon' insurance premiums payouts are probably pretty damn huge to cover for all his damages all the time so...to prevent needless, costly risks and disasters from happening, they're here to ensure Vash doesn't get himself into any more trouble...by keeping him under their close watch: 24hr vigilant surveillance! 8'D (so he's not freeee~)

Considering how Meryl compared his risk factor to that of a nuclear warhead before, she's pretty damn bold and fearless!!! To waltz right up in his face, poking a finger in his chest, and offering him a gorilla grip of a handshake to officiate their first 'meeting' doing business with him! (Damn, girl!) Dark Horse's tl appears to be more accurate when she describes him having a 'chronic troublemaking disease' too. :P Hah~ She keeps her face tightly composed and 'professional,' but if she's this 'comfortable' to be in his 'dangerous' presence then...looks like she at least regards him--Vash the person, as human too. :'))

But instead of two insurance agents containing him for the benefit of their company and/or the government, it's more like Vash has gained two women bodyguards who're here to fend off any provoking or untoward attempts on his person. 😌 Anyone who doesn't like that and still wants to pick a fight with him (whoa mr Nebraska's not done yet!) can pack it up and go home!!! He's officially off limits! Back off, show's over! hahaha~ Cause the girls are armed (non-lethally! now doesn't that nicely align with his values) to defend themselves. He's quite a bit shook~ ;D

Chapter 04: 'Bang Bang!' starts transitioning into the Sand Steamer arc, but there's some aftermath details to note.

There's been at least a 2 week timeskip (Meryl says they've been here for over half a month) and the town's financial situation has been resolved thanks to the bounty on the captured Nebraskas covering for their needed money instead. (Ironically in Vash's place.) Vash's wanted posters are also starting to get torn down, since his bounty no longer applies. Meryl clocks Vash as an unbelievably nice/soft hearted person for offering the town all his credit and bounty money earned from taking down the Nebraskas himself. (Technically the girls subdued mr Nebraska at the end, but how sweet and generous of him~)

Still, since it has been a quiet 2 weeks without incident (what's happened in between now and then is anyone's best guess or anime filler territory~ but he HAS been a 'good boy' staying out of trouble if nothing's bad happened, right?) that Vash rightly has to wonder....just how long do the insurance girls intend to stick around him?? No time limit, or until their term ends, huh? D: Oh...well that's going to be a problem. (Knowing his lifestyle and quest to find 'Him' again...yeah, Vash can't settle in one place for too long, or risk those getting too close to him lest they get swept up in the danger...) Welp, since the Steamer's arrived, that's the perfect opportunity to begin his leave.

Hah! Meryl's so high-strung and on edge that Vash has suddenly ditched them, she rescinds her previous 'nice person' comment, thinking he's only playing 'nice' and innocent now to trick them and slip away. I...think she's jumped to some conclusions (cause while he is clever and skilled, his kindness isn't fake or trickery) just like Milly thinks he's transformed into a cat. :P

So relax, the Steamer doesn't even leave til tomorrow, he's only ~discreetly~ gone to reserve his spot, he's stayed here the whole time since they first met without randomly leaving them, and it's not like him (or at least, his manga self that is) to leave town full of his new friends made these past 2 weeks without saying goodbye yet, right?!

Cause he's already befriended Tonis! (Stampede reference! Rosa's name was also listed among the fallen women he rescued from the rubble.) And I'm pretty sure this kid is the same one who had that toy gun! He's totally a Vash fan now~

Also to note: it's the first time we see his travel duffel bag and cloak, and one of the Steamer's caravan guys keeps heckling Vash to hire him for their security. So much for him trying to keep a low profile. :P What's funny is that the insurance girls--with jobs, seem to have ran out of money these past two weeks while away from their office branches, yet Vash's 'finances' appear to be fine, even without the reward money he gave away.

I reckon that if the town has offered Vash free food in exchange for the generous blessing he's offered them, then I'm sure they've likely compensated him enough with means to pay for his passage on the Steamer, too. I mean hell, they've thrown him a whole lively going-away party tonight! While even going the extra mile to call in some expensive looking 'working' girls for his pleasure! :P

Now everyone and their mom has commented on him feigning drunken sleep as his way to 'politely' avoid it and turn them down. Apparently the original japanese line has him wondering whether it's a 'waste' (the 98anime has him wondering whether he regrets it a little) as depending on your interpretation, he could mean his choice (celibacy) is a bit of a waste when the chance is offered so freely, where he knows it's better that he shouldn't do/risk it despite how much he's possibly starved himself longing/craving for closeness, OR that he feels it's a bit of a waste for the town to have invited those nice girls all the way over here for the one thing he just can't give so easily (acespec lens). EITHER WAY, there's at least 3 narrative reasons why he'd choose to avoid getting too close/intimate with people like 'that' (for now): 1) his dangerous lifestyle--it's not safe to risk others he cares about; his distance protects both sides from further harm, 2) his scars--can't risk revealing those or their reaction to what he 'is', and 3) lifespan--uhoh spoilery, but still hurty for the gap between him and them. So he chooses lonely, sad boi hours in the dark... :'))

But what about the light? Check out what Meryl does during the party: sitting there watching him the whole time wondering about his ~mysterious~ ways. Even after another guy casually sits next to her wondering what she's doing. :P Her attention's still fondly on Vash. (MERYL I SEE YOUUUUUU!!!!) Especially after thinking he's a nice person, to thinking he'd ditched her, to seeing how he is now--having such a lively, open, rambunctious time welcomed among the town's celebrations. That the other guy supplies it's a wonder too--that Vash is getting along so friendly now with the same people who previously shot at him wanting him dead. :'D How accepting, how forgiving, how things change~

Final Vash notes on the Steamer: he still just wants peaceful alone time and Rest, despite how much others--like the caravan guy again, keep pestering him. :P He washes his hands after using the restroom! (Good etiquette!) And...his first pair of glasses barely lasted two chapters before they broke. :P Welp! He's off to befriend another lost 'stowaway' troublemaking kid...as the girls work their fare on board, blissfully unaware; just what can possibly go wrong~

#trigun #commentary #trigunbookclub #long text post #meta #omg longpost is LONG like almost 5000 words long #SO MANY THINGS TO SAY but if i don't limit myself later i'll have a hard time keeping up with the schedule

[gillianthecat]

Thoughts While Watching Boys Planet: in which I discuss the contestants, muse over K-pop and reality tv, and go off on many tangents

Reality TV here I come! I don’t watch it that often, but I don’t avoid it. The main things I’ve watched at any length are Dancing with the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance (but mostly only watching routines, I don’t think I’ve seen many full episodes) and the Great British Baking Show. So basically I watch dance and low stakes fun competitions. (I can’t stand any lifestyle or dating reality tv, it makes me sooo uncomfortable on behalf of everyone involved and I have to hide away.)

The most recent reality tv thing I watched was probably my favorite. After The Untamed I got into a Xiao Zhan phase and watched the singing “competition” show he was in Our Song,which was lovely and non-stressful because everyone was already a working professional singer at various stages of their career, so a) they all sounded good and knew how to put on a good show, and b) it felt like they were all going to be just fine, no matter what happened. There wasn’t the angst of contestants’ dreams dying when they get eliminated, as I suspect will be the case for Boys Planet.

I don’t know a ton about K-pop, although I’ve absorbed some stuff through tumblr and the general atmosphere. I do feel like this could be, in an oblique sort of way, a useful introduction to the K-pop industry for me. Not that I think they’re going to present an accurate picture of what it’s like, but I find that I can learn a lot through the stories that they try to show, and the things that slip through the cracks, and all the assumptions made. My impression of the industry is that it is very competitive, and an intense, heavy-workload training process that starts way too young, and that idols are under heavy pressure to look and present themselves a certain way. So actually a lot like the ballet world, and I’m a big fan of ballet, but for some reason young K-pop idols make me more worried. Perhaps because they seem so much more exposed, the K-pop audience is enormous and these kids are hoping to get famous fast, whereas even the Maria Khorevas and Isabelle Boylstons of ballet stay pretty safely unknown to most of the world. Yes, the training is unhealthy in many ways, but at least the reward for it isn’t losing your private life.

Caveat before I get into the show itself: the contestants are all really good dancers, much better than me. If I sound judgmental sometimes, well, that’s because I’ve watched a lot of top level dancers of a variety of styles, and have developed Opinions. Are the Opinions necessarily accurate or fair? No, but I still have them.

Like @petrichoraline, I get stressed out when the judges are mean, and worry about the contestants being exploited for their dreams. So many of them are still teenagers! With these kind of things, especially with the contestants so young, I actually tend to hope it’s more staged than not, because that feels more protective of these idol hopefuls; their raw selves aren’t hung out for everyone to see.

The beginning is cute with us discovering the Boys Planet world and how things work with these two dorky contestants who only feel worthy of one sticker star. They feel like the plucky wide-eyed farm boys setting off on an adventure in a fantasy novel. I wonder if they’re hear just for this role—with NINETY-EIGHT! (sorry I still can’t get over it) contestants, and I think half of them being eliminated right away (?) there must be some of them who are just here bascially as seat fillers, or reaction shots, who knowingly don’t have a chance, right? Just to make things easier for the judges/audience voting. I just hope that those contestants know that that’s their role and aren’t getting their dreams crushed by surprise.

I’m not a big fan of this editing choice of all these double takes. It’s distracting and I keep feeling like it wastes time when there are NINETY-EIGHT contestants to go through. I’m generally not a fan of the quick cuts and constant switches to reaction shots—I want to see them perform—but I realize that’s just a part of how reality tv is done. And it’s true that some of the reactions are great.

With NINETY-EIGHT idol hopefuls, there is no way to keep track of everyone and I am already lost. It doesn't help that so many of them, especially in the K Group, are dressed so similarly. I am glad for my sake that they’re at least organized into groups by… agency? training school? I’m not exactly sure what their relationships to these corporations are, although I have heard of many of them. I’m also glad for the contestants' sakes they’re in groups, that seems a lot less terrifying than doing a solo. Also, frankly, group performances are usually better, a solo performer needs a lot of charisma to hold the stage alone.

I feel (sort of) qualified to evaluate their dancing, but not at all their singing. I am giving their voices a lot of leeway. I know in music videos the voices are recorded separately from the dancing, get a lot of processing before being released, and I suspect it’s true to some degree or another (from instantaneous digital enhancement to full on lip-syncing to a prerecorded track) of all the live professional performances. Here it sounds like they’re not getting any of that, we’re just hearing their unmodified singing, and while they’re vigorously dancing, which is really hard! So I know it’s not going to sound “professional,” but I don’t know enough about singing to be able to evaluate their raw voices.

I’ve paused halfway through to type this up, and I’m trying to remember who I’ve seen already. I’ve mostly lost track of our original duo; it seems the show has dropped them as guides.

There is the Last Contestant, Lee Hoe-taek, already a K-pop idol, just back from military service. Being largely ignorant about Kpop bands, I’m not sure if he was a Big Deal or in a small band most people don’t know, but either way his big dramatic reveal at the end was entertaining. All the contestants sure seemed to recognize him and be shocked that he was there.

I always suspect with these things that the company knows going into it pretty much who they want to hire. I mention that now, because I’m guessing Lee Hoe-taek is here to either to anchor the group that forms at the end, and so is definitely getting in, or is just here to provide veteran (no pun intended) presence in the competition, and is definitely not getting in, because they want a group full of young unknowns.

On the other hand there is audience voting, so… are they manipulating it somehow? Or are they actually going to abide by audience choice? (It’s possible there are rules I could look up. But I’m just gonna speculate instead.) I suppose if they don’t care so much about the group produced but just the competition to get there that would make sense. I am very intrigued about what this show is trying to do, especially given the Korea vs. the rest of the world framing, which they occasionally play up. The message seems to be, “We in Korea are the originators of Kpop and have training down to a science and therefore are the best at it” but also, “Isn’t it exciting how far K-pop has reached and how many people want to be a part of it like us.” They’re not hitting us over the head with it (so far), but some of the judges masters’ comments are implying that. But I also don’t feel qualified to talk about what’s going on in the international cultural politics of it all, other than to notice it’s very present.

And of course there is also that time honored method of audience vote manipulation: editing! Which they’re already using extensively (they really have no choice with NINETY-EIGHT contestants) so perhaps they’ve a short list of candidates they want for the final nine and are willing to let the votes work out the details. I honestly wouldn’t be shocked if Lee Hoe-taek selflessly pulls out at the last moment to give a younger contestant a chance, or something like that.

Where was I? Oh yes, the contestants. First up was the K Group quartet from Jellyfish, presenting themselves as extremely confident (they each took seven stars stickers!) which felt put upon to me, like someone (Jellyfish? BP producers? the boys themselves?) decided that would be their “brand.” Like their swagger didn’t feel natural, but who am I to say. Anyways, I thought they were quite good! And the fact they didn’t get 4 stars, and others did, had more to do with the story the show wants to tell, either the Jellyfish group’s redemption from being down, or some complicated politics about K Group vs. G Group, than it did with the actual talent of the contestants. But also, it’s hard for me to evaluate the dancing with all the quick cut editing, and I can’t speak on the singing at all, so the judges masters could be seeing something that I’m not. They did go quite hard, and that one master made a good point about needing some nuance, needing to let the voices be heard. It just seemed Jellyfish was being held to a higher standard than others. I’m not personally super into their style, but they’re very skilled. Park Gun-wook seems to be getting the main character treatment, with his solo and all.

Next up: Team WakeOne from G Group. From Japan, I think? I forgot the details, I have to re-watch. They start with this little warm up thing, I think they’re trying to make themselves stand out with it? I don’t really get it tbh. But in the actual performance they’re also quite good. One of the things I was worried about going into this show was that there would be a lot of embarrassing flailing around on stage, but so far everyone shown seems very competent and well trained. It really does feel like a nearly professional level group, ready to transition to being an actual idol. I guess that’s the difference with SYTYCD, which had people from so many different dance backgrounds trying on new styles; here everyone has trained for this specific job they’re going for. I don’t have other thoughts on this group specifically, the edits are too fast for me to really evaluate other than “they know what they’re doing.” Oh, right! Haruto was the ballet dancer. Thirty fouettés. In socks! I’m very impressed (even if he no longer has a ballet dancer’s form.) He is a very expressive performer though. And the first all-star!

Next: Ah yes, the four from Taipai, with the contemporary-trained extremely flexible main dancer. I don’t remember much about them other than they were also very competent. And the contemporary dancer was quite skilled (even though I don’t particular enjoy that style of meaningless trick based competition style “contemporary” choreography that he did). But it impressed everyone, so that’s what counts, and luckily for me that will probably be the only time I see it here. And it got him all-star! They do love their cross-trained classical dancers, lol.

Oh this part was kind of odd. Next up was a duo from Vietnam, another from Thailand, and four from China… and they just sort of talked around their performances? I thought they were building up to a big reveal, but it seems like they did poorly and so the editors just decided not to show them? I do appreciate on one level if they’re protecting the candidates from embarrassment. But in the tiny clips they showed they seemed reasonably competent. Perhaps the big reveal will come later. They are getting the hardworking underdog with big dreams treatment, so I can’t imagine they’ll disappear just yet.

Ah the Americans! My countrymen. I wasn’t intending to be all patriotic, but Jay is kind of adorable. As that other contestant said, he has amazing reactions to everything. I was racking my brains for who he reminded me of: it’s Zeng Shun Xi, who played Wu Xi in Ultimate Note, especially when he smiles. These two are also well trained, danced well and sounded good. They seem more singing focused; I think the choreo was simpler compared to the others, the voices more highlighted. And Jay uses his face wonderfully! I’m totally charmed. I have a variety of thoughts and feelings about non-black people doing hip hop, and their style felt especially… imitative of R&B somehow? idk, I don’t really know what I’m talking about. But the influence of black hip hop and R&B on Korean music and dance is another large (and fascinating) conversation I don’t know enough to say much useful about. I guess the fact that he’s from the US makes it stand out to me more here.

And Jay gets another all-star! Poor other American, in Jay’s shadow. I do wonder how everyone feels about getting separated from their original group, as some get eliminated, as I imagine is going to happen. Have they worked together long, or were they thrown together just for this? I’m not “shipping” any of these people, but I can also see how these situations are rife with drama for good stories. I understand why Cheewin set part of War of Y in an idol competition show—so much potential here!

Halfway through! I’m impressed if you’re still reading my ramblings; I’m not really sure why I have so many thoughts about this show that I want to share, but I do.

Eavesdropping on the “private” conversations as the contestants are on break. I’m just assuming (hoping) that they know they’re being recorded. The chatter is about what you’d expect, admiration about how talented and good-looking every is, worry about how they’re doing. It’s a bit boring, but I hope the show continues to mostly avoid interpersonal drama.

The annoying thing about competition shows is that the contestants are forced to come up with these inane and vaguely xenophobic statements like “Group G can’t beat Group K. Why? Because are roots are different.” Just to build up the “rivalry.”

Ok! Now we’ve got the two groups from YueHua! And Gasp! They end up doing the same piece. If they were from different companies I would acknowledge the possibility of coincidence. But I can’t image YueHua wouldn’t know, so it has to be intentional. All the better to make comparisons! Group G YueHua is full of charming bluster, and both seem at the top level in terms of training and skills, but, sorry Global group, the Korean team wins this round. That 16 year old dancer everyone is fawning over really is very good. But I don’t think Group G Yuehua is going anywhere; they’re all too charming to be kicked off yet. (And here’s the “and ollie.” of that first post I reblogged! I’m still awaiting the “heterophobe” with bated breath.)

Oh yes, the violin! No one’s even listening, lol, there just impressed he can play! Which I am too, tbh. (I do wonder what twosetviolin from youtube would have to say about it, is he any good?) Zhang Hao gets himself an all-star with that and his high notes.

Ok, but I love 29 yo Lee Hoe-taek’s reaction when Han Yu Jin says he was born in 2007. Me too buddy, me too. (I just googled, he was actually FIFTEEN in the English way of counting age when this was filmed. He turned 16 last week. Holy shit.)

OMG. I just checked and that contestant who looks so much like the actor from Roommates of Poongduck 304 IS that actor. Kim Ji Woong. I kept thinking they looked so alike whenever the camera focused on his reaction (as it often does) and then I remembered I’d read there was a BL actor on the show.

Anyways, onward. Ricky and Zhang Hao are more nervous watching their Korean label-mates than the were performing themselves, but I can’t tell if it’s because they want them to do well or are worried they’ll beat them. Do the two teams train together at YueHua? For some reason I get the feeling they’re being supportive, but maybe its just because I like that idea better.

Omg it’s so annoying when they interrupt and restart and restart and restart the choreography to build dRAmA. Once again I say, I am not a fan of reality tv style editing. But Yu Jin really is a captivating dancer, and this choreo serves him well. I think maybe the group isn’t as good vocally as the Chinese team? but are collectively better dancers.

These little tidbits from the Chinese YueHua team about seeing the Korean YueHua team rehearse are fascinating to me. That’s what I like most about dance reality shows, these little glimpses behind the curtain. The Korean team had such stage presence, I could see it only coming alive before an audience, and hard to access in the rehearsal studio.

Now seems as good a place as any to share one of my theories about why most K-pop idol dancers I’ve seen (which I admit is still not that many), despite being incredibly skilled and talented, do not quite cross over to the WOW level for me of really inhabiting the movement. Part of it of course is that they are singers and celebrities as well, and the nature of that is that most of them end up being really good at two two things instead of absolutely amazing at one. But also I think a lot of them have mirror head. I don’t know if it's a real term or I just made it up, but it’s a real thing—when you train you spend so much time watching yourself in the mirror, perfecting every move, but you forget to learn to move your head naturally, so the dance doesn’t seem full-bodied in the same way. My hypothesis is that Yu Jin’s training has been so rushed (1 year!) that he’s largely relying on his natural talent and movement quality, and hasn’t accidentally frozen his head. Obviously there are many other little details that turn a performer from extraordinarily competent at dance to dancer, and of course the whole idea could be bullshit.

Four all-stars for them! It would have been sad if the last guy got left out, lol. First time I watched I wasn’t sure what I thought about Kim Gyu Vin asking to also do a solo dance, but this time I thought it was cute.

Tangent from all my tangents—I find it hilarious how they’re blurring out their signs. I know it’s to avoid spoilers about how many stars everyone has (since I assume they’ve edited this into a different order than how they actually performed) but because the stars are right over everyone’s crotch while seated, well…

Next up a solo act! This is adorable how he messes up his little intro line. I like how supportive Lee Hoe-taek seems. I’m finding myself grow fond of this guy for absolutely no reason. I just like his reactions. Perhaps it’s the “old folks” solidarity? (I’m a decade older than him, lol.)

I can’t tell what I’m supposed to think of blue satin shirt’s performance here. To me it’s the most high-school-talent-show level of singing and dancing they’ve showed yet, but also performing solo is a lot harder and more exposing. So I don’t want to judge too harshly.

This has got to have been staged… there is no way two contestants that just happened to be the only solo acts just happened to do the exact same piece and oh look! they’re also the only two wearing black slacks with slutty satin button downs in complementary colors! Spontaneous idea! Why don’t they dance together? It’s a cute bit though, so I don’t mind.

Oh yes! The master going to help red satin shirt fix his earpiece was also adorable. (These guys seem to be the comic relief of the episode. Hopefully for their sakes it’s on purpose.) I enjoyed his performance more, although it felt equally amateurish, I think because he seemed more relaxed and having fun. I liked the way he smiled through it, even if the judge master thought it was odd. “Something feels very loose about it. But I don’t want him to fix it and do it properly.” Same sis, same. Somehow it works, lol. I also love that he takes off his shoes and socks.

OK! I’m back to where I was when I paused to “jot down a few notes.” 😂 Several hours later:

The master is right, it does look better as a duet (this whole thing was definitely planned). They’re still no superstars, but at least they look respectable.

Oh dear. I was just thinking oh he’s kinda hot when the master said, “oh he’s handsome.” But he is!

Did these two really do the choreography for most of k-pop, or did the producers somehow set it up so all the groups keep doing their choreo? Since supposedly the contestants didn’t know these would be the judges until they walked into the room. This is where my industry ignorance makes it hard to evaluate things. Either way it adds a nice frisson of tension to the proceedings.

Oh dear. They’re bad. I do appreciate the editing and reaction shots making it clear it’s not just me who thinks that. But I do feel for any contestants who come on and get the you suck edit.

Another solo! I feel pacing-wise he needs to be good after comedy bad and just plain bad. Crossing my fingers. The soloist is right, both masters are very handsome 😄 This little bit is cuter than it has any right to be. Oh, I guess bad contestants are not over, instead we’re going all in on the bad singers 😬 I had such hopes for this dude after his dramatic start, but that was painful to hear. All of these singers are. It's not quite as kind about bad performances as I thought earlier, but at least we're only getting short clips.

At moments like these I wonder, were these bad singers deliberately chosen to pad out the NINETY-EIGHT and make it easy to cut? And give an excuse for this speech on the importance of singing the lyrics? As a non-singer I do find it interesting how performers balance the singing and dancing. But I feel bad for all these kids who came on with hope. Did they think their singing would be good enough? Or that their dancing was all that mattered (I can’t tell if they were good dancers because the clips were so short.) Or were they in on the trick of it all? I hope for the last one, but I suspect Mnet is not that kind.

Yeah it’s a long day, there are NINETY-EIGHT trainees here. (Seriously. I want to understand the point of that decision. Are they charging contestants for participating? Do they think it increases the drama for the television audience? We’ve barely seen a quarter of them so far and it already feels like a lot.)

Matthew, that was a bold claim, that you speak French! You had to have guessed they’d ask you to speak it. Good thing none of the judges seems to understand. (Not that he’s terrible, just trying to speak yet a third language that you’re not fluent in while under pressure. Difficult.) Anyways, I can’t decide now if he’s going to be good so they can keep him around (along with Jay) for the North American crowd, or if this is a sign of imminent disaster. They’ve certainly managed to endear him to me, I find myself hoping he’s amazing. Aw and this background story about his friendship with Sung Han Bin is adorable. He has to stay at least one more episode after this editorial treatment. Yay! He’s good :-) Not like mindblowing, but good enough to seem like he belongs there. Hmm. This is the first time we’ve seen the judges give normal actually useful feedback. I wonder why that is? The editors certainly seem to be promoting Matthew as "the one who will grow."

Sung Han Bin. I’m pretty sure it was him I saw on a video here who was dancing like amazingly well, so I’m looking forward to this. His very stiff nervous posture isn’t a good sign, but they are saying he used to be a dancer so I have hope. Oh yay! We get to see one of the choreographer judges dance! Oh boo it’s mostly just reaction shots. But she is good. And so is he, in the little bit the actually let us watch. Yay!

Oh interesting. They get to check boxes on what they think they’re good at and what they want work on. Did all those poor kids come thinking that they didn’t need to be good at singing yet? Also, they keep saying, “he’s singing this live, right?” Does that mean that some of them actually weren’t?

He seems good, but they won’t let me watch him long enough to actually seeee anything 😾. Honestly, he doesn’t seem quite at the level as I was expecting for having worked as a backup dancer for two years, but singing at the same time and being a solo act is a whole different ballgame. And his voice seems pretty good, considering that’s not his specialty. I wonder, are he and my arbitrarily beloved old guy Lee Hoe-taek the only ones who have worked professionally as performers before, or are there many of them? Oh wait, our BL actor friend with the kissable lips, Kim Ji Woong, was also a working idol at one point. Now I’m finding myself curious/nervous to see how he does. I bet out of the NINETY-EIGHT contestants, at least a few of them have experience.

Ok, a trio from Tokyo! And they too are doing a song by someone in the audience, although this time it’s a fellow contestant. The producers have to be arranging this for the drama. There are a lot of possible K-pop songs, right? I don’t know, I’m new here. Ahh. they made it a mandatory practice song. Maybe they just hoped someone would get the hint and pick it on their own.

Aww, why do I love Lee Hoe-taek so much? His reaction is adorable. He’s sitting all alone there in his center throne. I hope the show is kind to him and he’s able to use it purposefully rather than be used by it.

I’m not a big fan of this trio’s voices, but it’s a fun song, and it’s fun having something that the whole audience knows well. Aww, my beloved is crying over the whole upcoming generation dancing along to his song. I don’t know what conversations are had about mandatory military service in S. Korea in general, or specifically about the experiences of Kpop idols going in and then returning the world nearly two years later, but I could imagine that being intense for them in so many ways. Ok, that’s it, I’ve found my guy. I’m not necessarily rooting for him to win, because I suspect he has career path options that fit him better than a debut group with teenagers, but he’s still my guy.

And now we transition into his moment. My boy is going to make me cry. And I never even heard of him before this morning. But he gets to come baaaack! To the staaage! And he has to do it all alone. “How is a trainee?”—that’s right Ollie, you tell them, don’t let them diminish my boy. Aww, and he’s encouraging everyone in his pre-performance speech! But someone is asking The Question—why is he here as a contestant instead of a master?

Arg, this teasing editing is so frustrating. But it looks like yes, he is a PERFORMER. Such presence in those brief clips. I love it when unassuming-looking people turn themselves on on stage. Oh god, they’re building the drama as much as they can. Obviously he did well though, they’re all crying! And it seems like the official answer to The Question is that he just wants to someone to finally tell him he’s good at what he does. Aww. Break my heart why don’t you. Like, I’m not sure how much this character of Lee Hoe-taek has in common with the real person, but the character is compelling.

And of course that’s the cliff hanger. Well now I have to watch episode two to see my beloved perform. I won’t (shouldn’t) blog about it though. (I shouldn’t, but I might be tempted.)

And that wraps up day one, with less than half of the NINETY-EIGHT contests seen. And that was with speeding through some of them. I'd already forgotten the beginning, how are they going to get through it all. I remain curious.

#this was not EVERY thought that went through my head while watching but it was most of them #my ramblings #i wrote almost 5000 words about this episode #why i don't know #sometimes my brain is weird #living with adhd #boys planet #lonely boys #honestly i think i'm just going to keep calling it that in my head #kpop #reality tv competition #reaction by gillianthecat #kind of like liveblogging

[quillofspirit]

More trees!

Have I,

caved in?

Have I,

started a new document?

#don't get your hopes up #i just have a very vivid image I have to get out of my head #i may or may not have almost 5000 words written #i may or may not have a moodboard #and character notes #writing #writing stuff

[league-of-blorbos]

So a quick update for anyone following my fanfics, and I feel really bad about this, but I lied when I said the next chapter of my transfem Yone fic, Constellation Cradle, would come out before 2024, my brain ended up getting consumed by another story I'm writing it's Rhaayn and they'd take roughly around the same time to finish either one, so I'm gonna work hard to finish one of them in the first few days of January and the other will follow soon after

I blame my brain and it's autistic hyperfixations for this 😞

#it's also because I didn't expect this new fic to get so out of control #it's already almost 5000 words... #league of legends #lol

[thedragonagelesbian]

the cyrusXwyll dancing fic is coming together soo nicely i really hope i can have it drafted by the end of the year...

#and edited & posted before the next semester starts #its almost at 5000 words rn and i Love Them #cyrus bg3 #cyrusXwyll

[psychic-winged-turtle]

Jude Totally Doesn't Have a Crush, Part 4

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock

Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring

Snowin’ and blowing’ up bushels of fun

Now the jingle hop has begun~

“Ugh. Not the Jingle Bell Rock again.” David groans, reaching out to turn down the radio.

“Don’t turn it down!” Jude exclaims. “Do you seriously not like Jingle Bell Rock?”

David sighs, but pulls his hand away from the volume control. “It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just that I’ve been hearing it ten times a day since November first and I’m getting tired of it.”

“Well, sorry that the Christmas season doesn’t speak to your soul the way it should.” Jude jokes with a smirk before continuing to speak with a dramatic tone. “Your cold, dead grinch heart might yet be warmed by the magic of Christmas, for we are going to the most magical place on earth, off-brand winter wonderland!”

Leo snorts and glances in the rearview mirror to see Jude. “I’m not sure it will be enough. David has a particular brand of non-magical vibes.”

“Is that so? Did you get coal one too many times, David?” Jude asks teasingly.

David has shrunk into his seat with a scowl and crossed arms. “You two are unbearable.”

“And you are killing the vibe.” Leo replies to him. “C’mon David. Cheer up and enjoy the fact that we’re about to fill up on sugar, cider, and Christmas Spirit.”

David rolls his eyes. “Whatever. Let me be a killjoy for a few more minutes.”

“Yeah, Leo. You gotta let him get the goth vibes out before he can truly enjoy the mood.” Jude once again jokes from the backseat.

David rolls his eyes one more time, but then he straightens up in the seat and turns around to look at Jude. “Have you been to Night of Lights before?”

“No. This is the first year I’ve been living in this area.” Jude says. “Though other places also have various Christmas events, so I’ve likely been to similar ones.”

“Yeah. I went to one once that had a hayride through the woods. They had a bunch of lights set up and you got to just sit and sip hot chocolate and stuff.” David says.

“Is that it?” Leo says, directing their attention back to the front of the car. In the distance they can see colorful lights.

“It must be. I can’t think of any other reason the middle of nowhere would be glowing.” David says sarcastically.

“If you keep being sassy, I’m going to gag you.” Leo jokes.

“Kinky.” Jude adds on.

David’s face goes red. “You two are unbearable.”

“You’ve already said that tonight, come up with a new phrase.” Leo says as he turns onto a smaller road that is decorated with lights along both sides.

They all become quiet as they look out the windows. Leo slows down so that they can enjoy the different decorations on the way to the parking lot. There are lights arching across the road so that they seem to be driving through a glowing tunnel. Small figures of elves are set up to look like they are peeking around the trunks of trees. Jude even thinks he sees a figure of Santa hidden up in the branches of a tree that is a little further off the trail.

When they park the car and get out David immediately sighs.

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock

Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time

Dancin’ and prancin’ in Jingle Bell Square

In the frosty air~

“I swear this song is haunting me.” He says.

Leo laughs. “Yes, I’m sure the radio men are out to get you in particular.”

“Well, that’s what it feels like.” David drags his feet for a moment before catching up to Jude and Leo. They head towards a cluster of buildings. Jude can smell hot chocolate and apple cider as they get closer.

Although they are living a little too far south for a white Christmas, Jude appreciates the crunch of dead grass under their feet and the nippy wind that puts a very attractive blush on David’s cheeks. Jude has to pause for a moment at that thought and ever so slightly shake his head, as though he could remove it from his mind like an etch-a-sketch. He has gotten to the point of realizing that he really does like David and Leo, and that it is not going away, so he’s employing a new strategy in order to not constantly feel like he’s pining after them. This new strategy includes no longer allowing himself to entertain these kinds of thoughts. If he only thinks friendly things about them, surely his feelings will turn friendly as well.

The three of them approach the stall that is selling food and drinks. Jude gets hot chocolate, Leo gets an apple cider, and David gets some peppermint-coffee-sugar monstrosity—mainly to spite Leo who warned against drinking coffee this late in the evening.

“I’m just saying that if you’re tossing and turning in bed I will banish you to the couch. Your bad decision will not affect my sleep.” Leo says as they make their way to a forest trail that has been decorated with Christmas lights.

The Night of Lights is a community project that decorates hiking trails with lights, streamers, and other decorations to try and create a magical Christmas experience in the week leading up to the 25th. Jude didn’t know that it existed, but apparently Leo used to go when he was a kid. Although he didn’t say it explicitly, Jude got the feeling that the last time that he went was before his brother died. It makes Jude wonder why he’d want to go back now.

“Jude!” David says, at a volume that makes Jude think he may have been saying his name for a while.

“What?” Jude looks over at him and he sighs.

“I was going to ask what your favorite Christmas movie is, but now I’m more curious about what’s got you off in dreamland.”

“I’m not in dreamland.” Jude says, looking back towards the lights overhead. “I’m just enjoying the lights.”

“And what are you thinking about?” David asks.

Jude doesn’t know why that question suddenly rubs him the wrong way. It’s an innocent question and David has definitely asked it before, but today it just sets something off in Jude.

“Nothing.” Jude answers in an almost instinctual way. The way he always did when adults would ask him what he was thinking as a child. A moment after Jude says it he questions why he did. David is not one of his many caregivers. He’s his friend and he has absolutely never given Jude a reason to think that he would judge him for his thoughts. In fact, David is an extraordinarily open person in most situations.

“Oh. Okay.” David says. There’s something in his tone that Jude doesn’t like. He hopes he didn’t upset David or something. He wishes he could explain that he didn’t mean to answer that way, that for some reason his messed-up brain decided that David was a threat for a moment. It seems like that would take too much explaining, though, and Jude just wants to move on from this moment.

“So… you were talking about Christmas movies?” Jude asks, prompting David to dive back into a conversation about the pros and cons of various Christmas movies. Leo regularly disagrees with him, more for entertainment purposes than anything. Jude has a feeling that Leo could care less about most of these movies, it’s just funny to watch David get heated about a claymation where Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is bullied for half the movie and an elf decides that he wants to be a dentist.

Throughout their hike through the lights conversation flows and pauses naturally. That moment of discomfort that Jude experienced near the beginning doesn’t return and he’s able to focus on the moments that are happening right now. When they reach the end of the trail they find themselves back where they started. They decide to get another drink—this time Jude gets cider, Leo gets hot chocolate, and David still gets the coffee (to spite Leo)—and then find a place to sit a little ways away from the crowd.

Jude has been watching a snowball-fight made of lights for a few moments, trying to figure out if the “thrown” light snowballs are random or on a timer, when he hears a small sniffle. He turns to look at Leo and David, only to find that Leo is quietly crying.

David reaches out to take his hand, comfortingly brushing his fingers over Leo’s knuckles. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s… There’s nothing wrong. I’m just-” Leo pauses to take a calming breath, it shutters slightly on the way out “-I’m just a little upset that I’m enjoying myself.”

“Why would you be upset about that?” Jude asks. He doesn’t mean for it to sound harsh or judgemental, but after the words leave his mouth he realizes that they might be read that way. It’s just that… What Leo said doesn’t make any sense.

“It. It’s a little silly.” Leo pauses again and wipes his face. Even though he appears calm, small trails of tears keep appearing. “It’s just that-” another pause “-the last time I came where was with Leonard. Every time that I’ve come here, it was with Leonard. To be here without him… it makes me feel…”

Leo cuts himself off completely and David squeezes his hand. “It’s alright, Leo. Take your time.”

“After he died I spent a very long time being miserable.” Leo starts talking again, trying to convey his meaning from a different angle. “It reached a point where it wasn’t even out of grief. Or, it was, it just wasn’t because I was processing it. Anything that I related to Leonard became… agony. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, much less visit any place I had associated with him.”

“It took me years to realize that what I was doing… the avoidance, the…” Leo swallows, skipping past whatever he was going to say. “It just took me a long time to realize that what I was doing wasn’t doing anything. It wasn’t going to bring Leonard back. It wasn’t going to… I don’t know, make his absence hurt any less. It definitely wasn’t helping me move on. So I realized I had to stop. I couldn’t live the way I was living.”

Once again, Leo pauses for a long moment. He takes a few deep breaths and once again wipes his face. “So I-” His voice cracks and he takes a moment to swallow “-so I started visiting the places we used to go. A lot of  the time I took Darrius with me, and I slowly got back to a place that I could call ‘fairly normal’. But-” a breath “-I hadn’t ever managed to come back here. Of all the places that we went together, this wasn’t even a particularly special spot. Even so, just thinking about coming here just made me feel… bad. But I don’t think it should. I don’t want to feel bad about these things anymore. I know Leonard wouldn’t want me to.”

Leo looks between Jude and David, the first time he’s managed to look them in the eyes during this conversation. “So, I decided that I wanted to try to come here this year. I was going to go with Darrius, but then I thought about how much I wanted to spend time with the two of you and I thought that if anyone could make this night bearable it would be y’all.”

“I’m glad we could be here for you.” David says immediately. Jude feels like he should say something too, but his voice seems to have left him.

“So, yeah, that’s why I feel… a bit upset.” Leo says a bit awkwardly. “Thanks for… being here and listening to my monologue.”

“I mean… I'm pretty sure I could listen to you monologue about anything, so don’t worry about it.” Goddammit, Jude! That was totally inappropriate. Why the hell is he so shit at dealing with feelings?

Luckily, Leo just chuckles at that. “Well, I’m glad you didn’t mind it. And I hope I didn’t ruin the mood.”

“You didn’t ruin anything.” David says. “If anything this just gives us more time together because now we obviously need to get you one of those chocolate-marshmallow snowmen that I saw being sold.”

Leo laughs again at that, a little more genuinely. “Be careful, I might think that you’re using my little breakdown to get treats.”

“What? No! I would never. The chocolate-marshmallow man is entirely for you.” David says in a mock-offended tone before switching to a sly smirk. “The white-chocolate snowflake will be my treat for your breakdown.”

Leo rolls his eyes. “Wow. Such a good boyfriend I have, taking advantage of me for an excuse to have sugar.”

“Hey! You would do the same for me.” David jokes.

The three of them end up each getting a treat ‘for Leo’s breakdown’ and then finishing the night by sitting in the back of Leo’s van and listening to the Christmas music being blasted across the parking lot.

What a bright time, it’s the right time

To rock the night away

Jingle bell time is a swell time

To go glidin’ in a one-horse sleigh

“OH MY GOD!” David exclaims when he realizes which song is playing. “Why are they playing it AGAIN?!”

Leo and Jude just laugh at him. The three of them have ended up pressed together in the bed of Leo’s van in order to use the one blanket that he brought to stay warm. Jude can’t help the thought that this feels a lot like toeing the line of cuddling with them, but he argues that if he didn’t he would just be cold and the two of them clearly don’t mind. The logical part of his mind that is trying to preserve his emotional well-being disagrees, but Jude is an expert at ignoring reason so he doesn’t think too hard about it.

“Oh, come on, David! It’s a nice song.” Jude says before singing along just to be annoying. “Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet-”

“Jingle around the clock~” Leo joins in, causing David to roll his eyes.

“Mix and a-mingle in the jinglin’ feet,” Leo and Jude sing together, “That’s the jingle bell rock!”

“You two suck.” David says, cutting off their rendition.

“What? I sing wonderfully.” Jude puts a hand over his chest in mock offense.

Leo, who is sat between David and Jude, scoots away from David and presses up against Jude’s side. “If you don’t like it, maybe I should just stick with Jude.” He wraps an arm around Jude’s shoulder to pull him flush against his side.

“What? Jude, I can’t believe you’re stealing my boyfriend!” David exclaims jokingly. Jude can’t even joke back due to the fact that his face suddenly feels unusually warm and his throat feels like he might actually be choking on his feelings.

Luckily, Leo picks up the joke. “He’s not stealing me. You’re pushing me away with your lack of Christmas spirit.”

Something about the combination of the conversation and the closeness has put Jude right back onto the edge that he found earlier tonight. Jude tries to take a deep breath, but he can’t manage it. The dread that likes to sit in his belly is spreading up into his lungs and out into his limbs. Everything is beginning to feel heavy and tight. Jude tries to think about something—anything—but his mind has gone blank and his ears have begun to ring. On some level he knows that he’s just having another panic attack, that it will pass like all the others, but the vast majority of his mind seems convinced that he’s going to die at this moment. And the real trouble is, he doesn’t even know why he’s panicking. His frustration at the situation, however, is definitely not going to help him calm down.

It takes a while, but Jude realizes that someone seems to be talking to him. He thinks it might be David. His voice sounds really far away, though. It takes a long time for Jude to process his words, and when he does it feels less like he actually heard David speak and more like he just finally understood what was being said.

David is trying to help him breathe. He’s taking deep breaths with Jude’s hand pressed against his chest so that he can feel the movement. After Jude realizes this it takes him a few moments before he is actually able to copy the breaths. His chest hurts.

“That’s great, Jude. Just keep breathing like that.” Jude is finally able to actually hear David’s voice as it breaks through all the fog in his head. “That’s it. In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four-”

Jude doesn’t know how long he listens to David count. It somehow feels like no time at all, but also forever. Eventually, Jude starts processing the whole situation. He recognizes that he’s laying down. His head is on a squishmellow that Leo keeps in the van and the blanket has been put over him. David is sitting next to him, holding his hand against his chest. The way he is seated blocks Jude from being able to see out the back of the van. Based on how quiet it is, he assumes they must have shut the doors. He can’t see Leo.

As soon as Jude fully realizes what happened he is internally cursing himself. What the hell was that about? Leo put an arm around him and he just… freaked the fuck out? Doesn’t he want to be close to them? Now they definitely won’t ever do that again. Maybe this will even be what finally makes them want to stop hanging out. Now they’ve realized that he’s unstable not-in-a-fun-way and they won’t want to be associated with that. Jude needs to leave. He needs to go far away. He needs-

“Hey, Jude! Don’t lose focus. You’re doing so well.” David draws his attention away from the spiral. “Just keep breathing.”

Jude goes back to focusing on David and taking shaky breaths. He still can’t see Leo. “S-sorry. I’m sorry.” Jude starts saying, he repeats himself a few times before his words are clear enough for David to understand.

“Shhh, Jude. You don’t have to apologize. It’s okay.” David says, but Jude just shakes his head.

They were having a good night. Leo was able to talk about his brother and take a step forward in healing. It was fun. There is no reason for Jude to be acting like this. He’s taking all the attention from Leo, who actually needs it. Where is Leo? Why is David here with him and not Leo? Did he upset him?

This time, Jude manages to stop himself from spiraling. Regardless of the situation, he has to calm himself down. He can’t think about the future and how he’s certainly fucked up… something because if he keeps breaking down then eventually David will get sick of holding his hand and then he’ll have to work through this alone.

Jude has no idea how much time has passed by the time his lungs feel full of air and his head is reattached to his shoulders. All he knows is that David and Leo must be so annoyed with him right now. It’s just in his nature to ruin good things.

“Jude, are you feeling well enough to sit up?” David asks once he realizes Jude has calmed himself.

Something about David asking that hurts. It shouldn’t hurt. He doesn’t deserve David’s care anyways so it makes sense he would take it away as soon as Jude is back to himself. Jude just nods and David helps him to sit up.

Once he is upright, Jude is able to see into the front of the van where Leo is sat in the driver's seat. He’s looking back at them with a worried expression. “Are you alright?” He asks.

“Yeah.” Jude replies automatically. “I’m fine. Sorry about that.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Leo says. He looks like he wants to add on something else, but chooses not to. “We should probably get back into the city. It’s getting pretty late.”

“Oh. Okay.” Jude should not feel this disappointed. Of course they’re going to want to go home. Who in their right mind would want to keep hanging out after he basically threw a fit for no reason.

Leo starts the car and Jude is surprised to find that David stays in the back with him. He expected for him to join Leo in the front. The first half of the drive is very quiet. It feels awkward to Jude. Maybe David was right earlier. Being here tonight really has become unbearable.

It must be unbearable to Leo too, because he puts on the radio after a while.

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock

Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time

Dancin’ and prancin’ in Jingle Bell Square

In the frosty air~

David groans and bangs his head against the wall of the car. “Not this GODDAM SONG AGAIN!”

Jude and Leo burst out laughing.

The quiet of the car doesn’t break even as the song fades out and changes to another, but David’s little outburst has popped some of the tension that was hanging in the air. With the music in the background and David grumbling about rioting, Jude is able to pull his logical brain back from the depths of the hell that is his mind. If he really thinks about it, the reason that they are going home now is because it is just late at night. Maybe Jude having a panic attack ended their night a little prematurely, but he certainly didn’t ruin it. There’s some awkwardness in the car, but neither of them seem mad at him. He still feels back about what happened (especially because he took attention from Leo) but it isn’t the end of the world. He just has to keep telling himself that.

They are not going to stop hanging out with him over one panic attack.

Leo said he wants David and Jude to come, therefore he must enjoy both of their company.

They had a good time talking and playing around.

It was a good night.

Jude did not ruin it.

He did not ruin it.

It’s fine.

As they pull up to Jude’s apartment complex, Leo finally speaks up. He turns around in the seat so that he can look at Jude. “Jude… Before you go I wanted to apologize. I’m not really sure what happened back there, but I’m sorry if I caused it. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or scare you or something.”

“Wha- no! That wasn’t your fault!” Jude says. “It was… I just…” He can’t seem to reach for what he wants to say.

David, in the same way he encouraged Leo earlier that evening, says, “It’s okay Jude. Take your time.”

Even though they’re just words, the fact that David said them almost helps Jude take a breath and reassess. Why exactly did he freak out? Leo had his arm around him and had pressed Jude against his side. He joked that he would leave David for Jude. When Jude thinks about it now, both of these things just seem silly. Jude loves to be touched and held. He was perfectly happy pressed against Leo’s side up until the point that he started talking about “leaving David”, but that was a joke. A joke. It doesn’t mean anything. Obviously he would never leave David for Jude, and Jude would never want him to. Was it that, on some level, the conversation implied some kind of betrayal?

Jude thinks about that and it makes his gut squirm. Neither of them would betray each other like that. And Jude wouldn’t ever want to betray either of them like that. No matter how much he wants them, he wants them to be happy even more. And they’re happy with each other.

Even with all this thinking, Jude is unable to come up with something to say. To try to explain seems way too complicated, plus it would require him revealing that he likes them in a not-so-friendly manner.

Instead of giving any real explanation, Jude shrugs. “I don’t know. It wasn’t anything important… but it wasn’t your fault! It just… happens sometimes.”

“Do you have panic attacks like that often?” David asks. It’s clear that he’s trying to sound neutral, but some concern peeks through the cracks.

“I have them… sometimes. I don’t think it’s that often.” Jude says without confidence.

“How often is sometimes?” David asks.

Jude tries to think of what would be a reasonable number. “A few times a week?” His statement sounds more like a question.

“That… is a lot of panic attacks.” David says. If David thinks that's a lot, Jude is glad that he didn’t tell him the real number. “Have you ever talked to someone about that? Like a doctor?”

“Eh… no. I never thought about bringing it up.” Jude says. The real answer to this would be that Jude has not seen a doctor since he was twelve and he has no intention of seeing one ever again.

“Maybe you should. You wouldn’t want something like this to get out of hand. Mental health is really important to keep track of.” Jude feels like David is prodding too hard. He doesn’t really want him to be concerned in this manner. It makes Jude feel nervous.

“Thank you for the advice, Nurse David.” Jude manages to add some humor into his voice and David grins a little bit.

“What can I say? I just want to make sure you’re healthy.” David says.

Jude lets out a quiet laugh as he finally exits the van. He waves at them as the drive off before he heads upstairs to his apartment. Once inside, he practically falls onto his new mattress. He hasn’t gotten a bed-frame yet, though he’s 99% sure they’re unnecessary anyways so he may never get one.

He lays in bed in the quiet night for a while before rolling over and reaching for the small radio he has by his bed. Jude turns it on and sighs as the quiet music filters into the room. Today had a lot of ups and downs. He can’t quite call it a good day, but he won’t let himself call it a bad one either. It was just a day. A day spent with his friends. His friends who don’t mind when he acts a little strange… or a lot strange. He didn’t ruin anything.

Jude is halfway to a spiral again when he realizes what song is on and starts laughing. He can almost hear David screaming from here.

What a bright time, it’s the right time

To rock the night away

Jingle bell time is a swell time

To go glidin’ in a one-horse sleigh~

Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet

Jingle around the clock

Mix and a-mingle in the jinglin’ feet~

“That’s the jingle bell, that’s the jingle bell, that’s the jingle bell rock!” Jude sings the last few lines and is able to smile to himself. Everything is okay. He’s warm. He’s in his apartment. David and Leo are his friends. That is enough. He takes a breath and tries to ignore the doubts that always claw at him. David and Leo are his friends. That has not changed.

Links to:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

#jude totally doesn't have a crush #jude brian #leo lancaster #jeremiah lancaster #leonard lancaster (mentioned) #david wilson #nurse david #original story #original character #long post #almost 5000 words lol #anxiety #panic attack #mentioned death of a character #darrius hudson jr (mentioned)

[blazichu]

[steeples fingers] Do I let yesterday's warmup get out of hand, or force myself to focus on what I'm supposed to be finishing up...?

#it's almost 5000 words #at this point #i don't think it's a warmup anymore #pokemon fugue tag #by the world

[doodleddaisies]

"I guess that I just really want to make this year special for EJ because it’s the first time he’s going to be without his parents. He just deserves something good after everything he’s been through this year, ya know?” Ashlyn said.

Ricky did know. Next to Ashlyn and her family, Ricky was probably the closest person to EJ’s entire situation. He had been there to see EJ through all of his ups and downs. He found himself nodding along to Ashlyn as she spoke.

“Of course. I’m assuming you have something specific in mind.”

“Ricky, I believe we have just formed an alliance.” Ashlyn wrapped her arm around Ricky’s shoulders and pulled him into walking with her down the hallway as they began plotting how to give EJ the best Christmas he’s ever had.

Or: EJ is determined to have a good Christmas, even if it's the first one since he left his parent's house. Ashlyn and Ricky are determined to make sure that EJ has the best Christmas/Hanukkah/holiday season possible.

(Aka: EJ spends the entire winter break surrounded by the people who love him the most like he deserves)

#I did it #pls leave me comments I thrive off validation #yeah this was supposed to be 5000 words #it’s almost 16000 #so enjoy #this is my gift to you #caswen fic update #christmas fic #Hanukkah fic #caswen #hsmtmts #ricky bowen #ej caswell #ashlyn caswell #there’s some good ash content in here #bc it’s what she deserves

[officecyborg]

Word count: 14215 | Chapters: 4/15 | Rating: T | Warnings: Creator chose not to use archive warnings | Relationships: Ovelia Atkascha/Delita Heiral | Tags: Slow Burn, Tragedy, POV Alternating

Oh look, we're still working on the manifesto. In this chapter, the Southern Sky and their heir to the throne presumptive all sit down for a nice dinner together. Yay!

Chapter 4: Peers and Privy Counsellors

“A storm, Highness?” the Baron of Bolmina echoed, intent on the story. “Oh, yes.” Ovelia splayed her fingers wide. “Lightning cracked open the sky, and thunder shook the walls of the chapel. From beyond the doors, I heard only the clash of steel on steel and the cries of the wounded men, and I wondered at my fate.” “Ah, you poor child,” offered Elmdore. Delita endeavoured to listen as solemnly as the rest, which was not difficult, as he was now seriously considering the possibility that he was about to be hanged. 

[Latest chapter] [Read from the beginning]

#the manifesto #if you're looking for almost 5000 words of some shitty old men eating pheasant and being bitchy. well. you're in some very specific company #tactics blogging

[nonplatonicsubtext]

actually you know what 50k words was probably a conservative estimate cause my outline for teeth is like 12 chapters so bare minimum we're looking at closer to 75k

why do i do this to myself

#ch1 was only like 2000 words ch2 was 5000 #but we're fully out of the territory of rewriting NPS stuff so they're probably all gonna be in the 5-10K range from here on out #to be clear im in this for the long haul #i WILL get it done eventually #i think about these bitches every day and the story ended almost three years ago #this flame will not burn out any time soon

[fox-fic-and-ink]

Sorry. Just gonna pop off a little mob boss Kakashi/new bodyguard Iruka au here because it's easier than trying to spoiler images on Discord. Beware action movie levels of gun violence and not terribly graphic murder. It's not proofread, this is just a step above my 4am stream of consciousness outline and blocked out so maybe Tumblr won't fudge the order.

The joke set up

Pt1

Pt2

Pt3

#kakairu #kakashi/iruka #kakairu mob au #no plans to write it immediately but I did spew almost 5000 words of scene outlines so maybe soonish

[niicevibe]

REALLY WISHING TUMBLR HAD AN AUTOSAVE FUNCTION IN EDITOR

#I lost everything bc it wouldn’t let me save and my DUMBASS SELF didnt copy it into a word doc for safe keeping #oh god I was almost done— that was like a 5000 word headcanon and it’s all GONE AHHHHHHHH #I can’t catch a break this week lmao

[shitty-fallout-art]

maybe new chapter tonight if i can make room for editing

#i made exposition too long so i had to cut it off at almost 5000 words #but that means i get to add more detail the next chapter yay..... #shut up shitty