#time to go be quiet again

[cherrio-krispz]

Happy valentines day

very rushed gif heart

#time to go be quiet again #dudebruh #crepic #cross sans #crosssans #epicsans #epic sans #undertale #undertale fanart #undertale au #undertalegame #undertale alternate universe #ut au #gif #digital art #digital drawing #zombiez #zomb art

[turtleblogatlast]

Something I love to think about is every iteration of Leo’s relationship with Splinter and how Splinter’s interests always define how a Leo presents himself.

I used to abide by the idea that a Leo will simply emulate his Splinter directly, and to an extent I still believe that to be the case, but moreso I think Leos have a tendency to mold themselves into what they believe is their Splinter’s ideal son - someone who embodies all the traits Splinter has explicitly shown to admire or value in a person.

Most of the time, they try to be a dutiful and honorable boy abiding by the full extent of ninjitsu teachings. Then you have Rise Splinter, who very much still has undeniable prowess in the art of fighting and being a ninja, but when it comes to how he shows his interests to his boys…one thing reigns supreme.

Acting. Shows. One liners. Flamboyance in the name of gaining an audience’s attention.

He showcases Lou Jitsu movies on repeat for the boys, passing down the morals and words from those movies to them with no small amount of pride. All while fully expecting them to respect these teachings.

So, of course, Rise Leo picks up on this. He’s a Leo, after all, as much a daddy’s boy as any other variation of him, only he clocked his father’s interests to be different than most others. He picks up on the art of showmanship, of keeping things to himself so as to be a more exciting twist later, of treating the world as a set to act in.

He’s an actor, not just because Splinter himself was one, but because Splinter likes acting and showed one particular actor (unknowingly to the boys, it was himself) as the pinnacle of all his teachings. As someone to value and admire. And even more than that - Splinter focuses on the character the actor is portraying rather than just the man himself.

And I think this is all even more interesting when taking the turtle tot short into consideration, because very, very briefly, just as with many times else throughout the series, we see how easily Rise Leo aligns with his other selves, seeming to pick up the sword easier than his brothers do their own weapons - after quoting Lou Jitsu of course. After emulating his idol - the person who his father seems to admire so much.

Point being, it’s so interesting to see how Leos tend to mold themselves in one particular way throughout every variation - that being, what their father is shown to value most in people.

#rottmnt #rottmnt leo #tmnt leonardo #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt #this is mostly a rottmnt post but it aligns with others as well #idk I just think it’s so interesting #because at his core rise leo is the SAME as the other Leos #they’re all goofy they’re all natural leaders they’re all quiet wanderers they’re all daddy’s boys #but these inherent traits take second to what they believe is valued more #specifically what their splinter values more #and sometimes what is valued allows them to more commonly broadcast themselves as who they actually are #but other times their core personalities directly go against what they think they NEED to be #so they stifle it #and soon enough their emulated selves become so tangled into their real selves that it’s a struggle to tell who they are without it #god I love Leo #and this is not to say that the other bros don’t do a similar thing #they just tend to be much more separate about it in terms of what they admire and who they are #whereas Leo blurs that line #don’t mind me just once again overanalyzing a fictional turtle boy #edit: AND ANOTHER THING #but Splinters value placed on Lou Jitsu ALSO helps push Leo into being someone who does things on his own #sure he loves his brothers and they’re everything to him #but he pre invasion he often does things himself or just expects to handle things on his own #y’know #like Lou Jitsu who notoriously does NOT have a team #so this Leo doesn’t care about being a leader - because who he’s emulating isn’t one #he’s like ‘okay we’re just a group of Lou Jitsus’ #and there’s something so painfully childlike about this

[xoalsox]

taemin doing an impression of jonghyun (x)

#taemin #jonghyun #saw this going around on twt again....might have watched it at least 20 times in a row #when i tell you that taemin is the funniest person in the world...seeing how funny he is now u might agree but let me tell u about taemin #BACK THEN...he would normally be just a quiet little guy but then he would literally do the craziest thing out of nowhere and leave everyon #in shambles (me especially. also jonghyun as you can see in the video above) #anyway his impression of jjong's manner of speaking is so funny bc it is SO ON POINT im literally tearing up watching this again now #also look at jonghyun GIGGLING . #honestly posting this for myself specifically so i can go back when i need to laugh for a bit.... #ltm a comedian first a singer dancer artist second

[pinkd3mon]

Bonus piece from this art

#kirby #kots #kirby of the stars #kirby fanart #hoshi no kirby #Taranza #Galacta Knight #Galacta doesn't know how to go about life without being mysterious #the difference between Galacta and Meta Knight is that Galacta is quiet and mysterious by nature #meta knight does it on purpose to appear cool #Taranza is trying hard not to judge #I think he gave up on trying tp understand #Galacta is mostly quiet but sometimes goes into these monologues while looking at the horizon and Taranza politely listens #Galacta is like 'I've been through so many lifetimes and relived my death time and time again and yet trusting is my demise' #and Taranza is just like 'sure' #Taranza just appreciates the companionship while he's gardening it's like listening to youtube while you draw #you didn't understand half what you just listened to but at last it feels like you're not alone #I'm not sure how to free Galacta Knight in my au yet #but i know they can't fight or they risk to go back to their crystal #that's a rule mentioned in the novels and we don't have tons of those in Kirby canon I'll take what I can get #so instead of fighting they take on gardening isn't that nice #Galacta probably arrived at Dreamland first (Because of course they do) and Dedede doesn't want to deal with them and just sends them away #they probably live temporarily with Kirby because in the novels Kirby actually likes Galacta a lot it's their kin #enough talk about backstory this is supposed to be taken at face value #but Galacta and Kirby would be besties and probably the first person Galacta trusts in basically forever #Galacta would HATE magolor #that's all im going away im so sorry im autistic

[buckttommy]

One thing that was very interesting to me in this episode is the way Eddie was just... not joking about Buck's love interests.

That stuck out.

Usually when Eddie talks to Buck about his love interests, it's with an edge of fond exasperation, teasing laced around his gently delivered truths, but there was none of that this episode. Buck told Eddie he went to see Natalia and it was like something switched. Eddie's entire affect changed when Buck started talking about Natalia. He went from being loose and easy (as loose and easy as one can get when standing at a grave) to being... not combative, necessarily, but visibly actively not wanting to engage in conversation about her either, and it's not...

It's not even jealousy!! We joke a lot about Eddie and jealousy, but it wasn't that at all. It was a fatigue that comes with silence, that comes with holding your tongue, that comes with keeping secrets. Especially when Buck said that he feels like Natalia sees him. That look Eddie gave him immediately after? That was pure hurt. That was him saying I see you too, I've always seen you. But he can't say that. He can't say that, because to say that would be to say so many other things about the way he sees Buck, and to say so many other things would mean to have to unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth about the ONE thing he's been holding onto ever since he was shot.

I don't know. I don't know, but I think Eddie taking Buck on a date and I think about how Eddie left his son—his heart—in Buck's care so they could bake cookies together (which becomes profoundly more significant in an episode where Christopher was talking about baking smores with his mom), and I think about Kenny saying Ryan has been doing some very nuanced work in the back half of this season, I'm like

Oh. Oh. I see it, thank you. Loud and clear.

#Before 5B I was like 'Eddie's pining era Eddie's pining era WHEN?' #but babes we are right in the thick of it. It's in his eyes. It's in his smile. It's in the way he looks Buck #in the way he treats him. In the way he creates space for his confusion for his fatigue for his grief. #In the way he shows quiet support and a stern shoulder to lean upon #In the way he doesn't burden Buck with his own feelings (even though that's mostly selfish on his part because #no part of Eddie will ever be a burden on Buck but Eddie doesn't know that yet) #It's just. Eddie's feelings for Buck are literally in *everything* he says and everything he does #It bleeds from him just like his blood did on that street. #If everything about Buck/Eddie's lives have been shrouded by the shooting since it happened #everything about their lives has *also* been shrouded by Eddie's enormous and unflinching love for him #and he keeps holding his breath and swallowing it down and putting off the moment where he pulls back the lid #and it all spills out and before he knows it... before he knows it #it's going to be too late. And instead of his blood staining the street it's going to be Buck's and he's going to tell him #but he won't hear him because Eddie was too slow too fucking slow #(did we all peep the watch on his wrist? Yeah. Time is running out Eddie. Time is running out and it is not going to #wait for fear to release its hold on you. Buck's not going to cheat death again. Don't waste time babe) #Anyways. Yeah. YEAH. Yeah....... whew. This episode was a Lot #jack.txt #tv: 911 #911: 06 x 15 #911 spoilers

[cerise-on-top]

Hii you know how you wrote about reader getting hurt because of their job please could you write that with graves or nikolai x

Hey! Sure I can!

Graves’ and Nikolai’s S/O Gets Hurt Because of Their job

Graves: On the outside he may seem calm and collected, but on the inside he’d be seething with rage. However, he won’t show you how angry he actually is, keeping it all to himself instead. He needs to be the big, strong man in your relationship, so he needs to keep his cool in front of you, no matter what. I don’t think he’d be too surprised you’d have gotten hurt, though. While he may have hoped it would never happen, that was just wishful thinking. You’ll either be on Shadow Company’s medbay or in the best hospital he can find nearby. Either way, you’ll be well taken care of. If you’re at Shadow Company, then he’ll station some of his most competent and trusted people to take care of you for the time being. You will be protected by them, and you will get whatever it is you may need from them as well. Or anything you may want, really. No cost is too high for Graves while you’re in recovery. While he may try to make time for you as well, he really does, he will also have someone track down whoever hurt you. This person will then be abducted to Shadow Company for a rough time. Graves himself would take care of them, and he can be pretty effective when he wants to be. However, if you’ve recovered by then, and are among the more vengeful people, then you’re more than welcome to do as you please with the bastard yourself, Graves has no qualms about that. In fact, he’d welcome you doing what you need to do. An eye for an eye. I think he’d become a bit more protective of you afterwards. If you’re okay with it, then he’ll leave you in the hands of some of his Shadows since he can’t always be there for you. If it was up to him, he’d combine you with his work and have you just live on base with him so he could always keep an eye on you, but you likely wouldn’t agree to that. It may seem a bit overbearing, but he will reach out to you more often and does expect you to respond within a few hours, or else he’ll get worried and send someone to check up on you, even if you’re alright.

Nikolai: While Graves may be furious, Nikolai is entirely calm about all of this. Yes, you got hurt, but seeing him panic would likely only worsen the state you’re in. He is well aware of the fact that you will pull through, he made sure of that himself. However, he won’t do anything drastic until you’ve recovered completely. That way your perpetrator has enough time to kill themself before he has to take action. Naturally, you mean the world to him, so any violence against you will not be excused. Nikolai runs a PMC, so he knows what he’s doing, he knows how to deal with violence. Violence for violence is the rule of the beasts and Nikolai’s cruelty is akin to that of a starved animal. However, that can wait until you’re alright again. He’ll visit you every day, even stay at the hospital, and bring you gifts, tell you stories and keep you company otherwise. But he won’t mention the plans he has for the sorry fuck who hurt you, those are for him to know and for you to never find out. Once you’re home again, going about your day, he will seek out the bastard himself and drag him to some place in Siberia. As mentioned before, Nikolai can be cruel when he wants to be, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he let that person run aimlessly around Siberia for a few days, hunted down by him and his people, only to capture and torture them later. Death is a kind of mercy that is not for them, though, so he’ll keep them alive for the time being. They almost took you from him, there’s nothing they could ever do to make up for that. They’ll be a new chewing toy for Chimera until they die for one reason or another. Nikolai won’t get too overprotective, but he will be keeping a closer eye on you. He won’t station one of his people in front of your home when he’s away, but he will try to make more time for you. Calls become more frequent and he will try to find some excuses to spend more time with you, even if it’s just by video chatting with you when you have the time. He won’t freak out, but he won’t forget about that incident either.

#cod #cod x reader #phillip graves #phillip graves x reader #cod nikolai #cod nikolai x reader #I was thinking about wanting a request for Graves again not too long ago so this came at an ideal time #they're both very powerful people who are also war criminals and not afraid of breaking every law in existence #so yeah they'll have their fun with whoever hurt you #thinking about an angry Nikolai scares me so bad actually. he'd be so calm and quiet and that's just the most terrifying thing to me #if you're in an especially bad condition then I think Graves would become more strict with his Shadows #he knows he shouldn't be like that at work but he can't help it since he's just that worried about you #he's usually a fun and caring boss but he'd become very different when you get hurt #of course he'll go back to normal once everything is alright again but you being hurt would hit the Shadows pretty hard as well #I like to think he does talk about you to his Shadows so they definitely know who you are #and just by hearing about you most of them would like you as well. especially because Graves loves you this much and they like him a lot #so I think a lot of Shadows would also grow protective over you and I think that's so very sweet #I always liked to think that the people at Shadow Company were very close with each other #especially because Graves is a good boss and makes sure the work climate there is ideal. despite the war crimes #Graves is actually a pretty fly guy in my eyes. he's just cocky but he does worry a lot about his Shadows and you deep down #he loves his Shadows and he loves you too

[useramor]

maybe it's just me but when a kid calls your name a million times just to say "WATCH THIS" and then jumps and falls like.....that's the greatest thing ever like the whole entire world is so new to you and even the little things feel like the greatest accomplishments and you want to share it with ME? you find something that makes your little kid brain go "WOW!!!! NEAT!!!!" and the first thing you do is turn around and call my name............i will love you forever

#before anyone tries to be like 'actually this is rly annoying and tiring' like yeah but like #i'm a parentified older sister and my 10 yr old sister's favorite person #i get like a million BIA BIA BIA every day #sometimes it IS tiring but i try to respond as much as i can u know #she's gonna grow up soon and she's gonna stop calling my name and when that day comes i think it'll kill me #so i do my best to go 'wow that's so cool kid!' whenever she searches for my affection #bc i love her more than anything in this entire world #and i'm tearing up writing this #also just in the time it took me to write this post i got interrupted 4 times #scratch that 5 #she just called me again sldfgjkh #be quiet bia

[hecksupremechips]

Come back home when you have some sense

You can throw your life away just not at my expense

You’re not the son I raised

#jhariah #this one just rawrrfrrr #and then uh another line thats like ‘tell me did you raise a man?’ #nice #im just listening to the new album to cope with nasty sickness and feeling out of it #god this album is really good it has every emotion in there like this song for example just the part where they scream the chorus its like #hnnnghhh #hm some other moments from the album im liking a lot uhhh i love re: concerns a lot #the part where hes like reading off the complaints and then the part where hes just screaming and its like BAM BAM BAM BAAAM #sasuke is so good and the bit at the end where its like ‘i just want you to know im so so...’ #like hes gonna say sorry but cant seem to say the word for whatever reason and i know nothing about sasuke #but i has to imagine the fan girlies are eating gravel over that one lol it gets me #and theres just that like spooky echoing afterwards #the intro to fire4fun goes SOOOOOOOO hard i was losing my shit its awesome #the entirety of trust ceremony is giving me big feelings but specifically that part towards the end where its all quiet and you hear #its like whistling i think? like a marching band is coming in maybe #but it also kinda sounds like nature too and idk i like got a little bit um magical at that part cuz i was driving down a big hill #and it had been raining but there was a clearing in the clouds and the sun was bright and like at this particular hill #you can just see everything like the land stretches for miles theres trees hills the river farms all that shit #and idk with the extreme stress and depression ive been feeling its hard to have these moments where life seems worth it #and its hard to really feel anything anymore or to feel in the moment but idk i was just going down that hill seeing everything and it was #very majestic so yeah that song is definitely gonna have the same effect as pin eye for me #which i must mention pin eye again its still OOOOGHH very good it came at a pretty good time for me #yeah basically this album is uhhhh whats keeping me somewhat grounded rn i recommend 👍

[in-fair-verona-we-set-our-scene]

I think Slay the Princess is so popular partially because the *gets stabbed* "I'm in love" reaction is both intentional on the part of the developers and then they completely follow through on it.

#slay the princess #me @ the Razor: I love you so much and you're so hot and funny and– *gets stabbed again* #and then! the little Voices agree that they're kinda into it too! fantastic game! A+! kill me again beautiful woman! #they managed to make even the Princess's most terrifying grotesque forms the most beautiful fictional women I've ever seen #while never sacrificing the horror elements. if anything the horror and gore and monstrosity makes her even more attractive #like they get it. the inherent eroticism of being trapped in a time loop made with the sole purpose of getting one of us to kill the other #and then killing and hurting and dying and struggling together over and over and over until finally breaking free #she hurts us and we are but a receptacle for the pain. she hunts us like prey and swallows us whole. we beat each other to #death for the thrill of it and keep on going long past when we should've died. she torments us until our heart stops from terror. #we see her as a dominating goddess and she becomes one. she knows what our organs look like. her bloated corpse once drowned us. #we lie at the foot of the stairs to freedom with broken backs because we betrayed her so badly she could only betray us in turn #and don't even get me started on the amazing intimacy/violation of the Spectre/Wraith possession stuff #and we (both the player and the Long Quiet) love her for it and through it

[samarecharm]

Ryuji is so anxious in the beginning of the game :( hes so caught up in his head during the kamoshida arc; makes me think hes been like that for awhile, at least until u get a bit further in the game. The rumors, the self loathing, the whole stint w kamoshida; hes got too much on his brain and its kinda nice (and a little sad) that he starts sharing those anxieties and doubts the second hes in a safe space to do so.

#chattin #ryuji #hes definitely more relaxed by the madarame arc #like he got friends and a purpose and he just bounced back immediately #but i am thinking of like. the year everything went to shit for him #like it wasnt his fault but also hes the center of all the controversy #and he went from being very popular (im SURE he was; hes called a track STAR) #to being completely alone w failing grades and a broken leg. like he had alot of time to sit and think #and all the stuff w his home life being so disruptive #like despite what the school body will say he does think before he acts #he had a grown man rile him up to make him act; he didnt just go in guns blazin #i dunno where im going w this lol. i just think he gets alot of flak for being loud and annoying #but just like w everyone else; u get to see their real personality when theyre supported and loved #and ryuji is just loud and brash and he loves w his whole heart #just like ann became super vocal and silly about so many things after u help her w shiho #All the thieves are like this. ryuji is a ball of anxiety #but its quieted down when he has real support and purpose in his life again #and its less that hes ‘quiet’ about his worries; if anything hes more vocal about it #but bc hes so vocal about it; u can see the difference between him messaging u every day worrying about kamoshida #to him going w the flow and putting more trust in u and the team #he loves them sm !!!!

[chiropteracupola]

sing me silence, my soldier / sing us gently into death...

#em draws stuff #em is posting about sharpe #sharpe #daniel hagman #rifleman harris #once again I've drawn something where the pose is borrowed off archaeological excavation photos - this one is the lovers of modena #to make a long story short I got real sad and wanted to draw them a bit more of a goodbye. a quiet moment and a gift to see them off. #see the previous post in my sharpe-watching tag for a longer thought-scramble to go with this thing #reached the end of the drawing process and had to ask 'why does this feel familiar' before remembering the emotional experience I had #some years ago while reading 'the apparitionists' and also the formative time that was ken burns' the civil war... anyway. that aside. #this was going to be printed out for dorm decor but I think I could not look at this every day it would be far too much #I could have had my pick of appropriate folk songs for the caption lyrics but no this is a modified version of something from seawife #o'er the hills and o'er the main through flanders portugal and spain. y'know. y'know.

[namu-the-orca]

DEAR FRIENDS. My apologies for another enormous silence. After the Delphinus delphis colour anomalies poster I’ve been wanting to make something similar for, well... everything else. It’s a lot of fun going through all sorts of species!! However it’s also a lot lol. Maybe “draw everything first, then figure out how you want to organise this” isn’t the greatest strategy, but here we are. Hence the lack of uploading (though part of that is also just me being busy and scramble brained). 

Anyway, consider this a preview for all the ODD BOIS which are - slowly but surely - coming your way. I think they’re super fascinating and I hope you’ll find them too!!

#namtalk #i'm still alive i swear #every time i finish something I go and from now on I'll upload consistently again! and also fail lol #i hope the intermittent posting is also good enough #i don't care so much about being quiet on facebook and deviantart #but tumblr feels more like family #anyway i hope you like the sneak peek at all the oddities #and fingers crossed i'll have something concrete to show soon!

[spearxwind]

.

#question... has anyone of you with neighbors ever had your attention called over making noise bc it happened for me yesterday and i feelbad #it was 100% our fault it was really late and we didnt realize so the neighbors #hit the ceiling hard a few times but theh hit it a lot so they were clearly pretty mad 😥 #obviously we're not going to do that again but like. irrationally terrified that they hate me cause i make noise sometimes #its also jarring bc I've always lived alone so I've always been extremely quiet almost like a ghost but its so much easier to make noise #if you're with someone else #god does this make sense?? augh. i just needed to vent a little #this is actually the second time we get a notice like that but over something else and now im worried babey!! what if the neighbourhood #kicks me out or something!! augh (this cant happen i dont think especially not about smth like this but like auuuggghhg panic) #I just dont wanna be a bad neighbour man

[cerise-on-top]

Rudy with a jealous s/o? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I NEED THISS

Hello! Here you go!

Rodolfo with a Jealous!S/O

The moment he sees you’re jealous he’ll chuckle a bit but also be a bit worried. It’s nice to see that you like his attention enough to want it most of the time, but would he really be able to calm you down from your frenzy? He most likely could, but the worry is still there. At first he’d be a bit apprehensive about approaching you, especially if you’re being snappish and keep hinting at you being mad at him for spending time with someone that wasn’t you. If this doesn’t happen very often he wouldn’t know what to do, but if you’re a very jealous person and it keeps happening then he’ll have a talk with you. It’s not particularly fair to him that you always snap at him whenever he spends time with his teammates or friends, so he’ll sit you down and discuss your behavior and how you can both improve yourselves. Communication is very important to him.

If you don’t get jealous as often, then he’ll approach you after a bit and ask you what’s wrong. It’s up to you whether or not you honestly respond to him, but he’d much prefer you being upfront and honest with him. He won’t really know too well what to do if you just keep lying to him, pretending that you’re alright. Rodolfo will, however, take you to a secluded place if you’re out somewhere together and just talk to you. While he may not be the biggest fan of PDA, he would give you a small kiss, either on your lips or your cheeks, maybe even a hug if you’re especially mad, and apologize to you. He knows it likely isn’t his fault, but maybe an apology could calm you down. If it’s late and he’s been with his friends for a while now anyway then he could make time to just leave, especially if nothing important is going on anymore and the main events and conversation topics are over. However, if he has to stay for a bit longer, then he’ll apologize again, but promises you that you’ll be going back home soon enough.

Once you’re back home all of his attention is on you, if you want that. If you prefer to be left alone then he will let you be, but will check up on you once every hour and ask if you’re doing alright. But if you don’t want that then he’s more than happy to talk with you, or spend time with you in general. You wanna cuddle? Play a video game? Bake some cookies? He’s not opposed to any of those things. Because, truth be told, you being mad but quiet sort of scares him. He has to deal with loud, angry soldiers almost on a daily basis, so he knows how to put someone in their place if they’re being openly aggressive. Therefore you being so quiet is very worrisome and he’ll be on edge this entire time. As soon as you laugh again he knows he did something right, though. That’s the goal: To get you to calm down and smile, maybe laugh even. But he knows that, at the very least, it will likely be over by the time you both wake up again in the morning. If he can, then he’ll spend the next day with you. Or at least as much of it as he can.

#cod #cod x reader #rodolfo parra #rodolfo parra x reader #at first I thought I had already written something like this but no it was jealous!rodolfo and not jealous!reader. hopsie #as someone who gets jealous very easily I sort of vibe with this even if I don't condone snapping at someone just because of it #I used to get jealous when my ex would talk to someone that wasn't me. which happened a lot during school #but then again I also felt suffocated whenever he did spend time with me so I'm glad we broke up #Rodolfo would make for a much much better boyfriend. I'm not into men at all but I'd give him a chance in all honesty #he's a sweetheart. he's attentive. he knows how to cook. he knows when to be quiet. he's introverted #what else could someone want? #I do HC him to be more into men than women though. being in a poly relationship with him and Alejandro must be bomb though #they level each other out. Ale is more outgoing while Rudy prefers to stay home #perfect equilibrium. I wanna go on a hike with the two of them they'd be so proud of me. I also wanna hear them speak Spanish at me #I don't know the language at all but it's probably lovely to hear. especially something that isn't “pendejo” #they'd be two absolute sweethearts together to each other and to their s/o #maybe if I ever find the time I'll write some poly AleRudy HCs with a reader #I'm such a sucker for poly relationships. Since I'm poly myself naturally

[thedreadvampy]

The thing is I am definitely not happy or chill in the Immediate Sense lately but I am, big picture, so fucking happy with the person I am.

It's like. My brain was made by and for consistent trauma and since that trauma stopped about 5-7 years ago, it is incredible what the amount of resilience and cleverness and flexibility and thoughtfulness I developed to survive can do when it's not being all spent on surviving. like I had a hundred ton weight on me so I had to get REALLY STRONG to stay in the same place and not get 100% crushed, and when that weight came off I found I can use the strength it used to take to stand up and I can leap tall buildings in a single bound.

I was talking to my mum the other day and she said, "you've got the 'fuck it' energy at 30 that most women don't find until their fifties at least" and I'm like yeah man. Imagine how unstoppable I'll be in 20 years.

#red said #i don't know that i can express this clearly but it's the most encouraging thing in my life #my mum's always been proud of me but just lately she seems to actually really admire me #like she's genuinely impressed. she thinks I've surpassed her. i don't necessarily agree but it's a really nice quiet joy. #anyway like this sounds super up myself and it kind of is. #but also it's part of realising just how heavy the weight I've been carrying around with me for 25 years was #like not to be ridiculous but i have realised again this week. that it isn't that everyone's been raped that much and doesn't talk about it #i just have been raped an Unusually Consistent Amount. i have spoken to a lot of people who have had much more horrifying things happen. #I'm not sure I've talked to more than a couple of people who've had a similar level of total consistency of abuse from all angles #and the one is not heavier or harder to bear that the other. but. i think i spent most of my life listening to people's awful experiences #and going ok well nothing i went through looked that bad so it's microtrauma #obviously microtraumas build up but still. #then the older i get and the more i have these conversations the more I notice that stuff which to me is a microtrauma #is a lot of people's defining trauma. and they're reacting appropriately which means i am SO SEVERELY UNDERREACTING #told my friend the other day about a time someone who i still like and respect was having sex with me when i paralocated my hip #and then just kept getting really annoyed with me for not being ready to have sex again while i was literally crying with pain #until i caved and just tried to find the last painful position #and my friend was like pal what the fuck that's horrific #and i was like i mean no that's normal I've had sex with like maybe 3 or 4 people in my life who i haven't had similar stuff with #like i am genuinely thrown when i am allowed to say no to sex and have it be the end of the conversation. and not end up having sex #out of guilt or out of physical coercion or through physical rape. and i have had sex with probably like 40 people at this stage? #and I'm not sure it's as many as 4 i haven't had that experience with tbh #so like. I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea #that i may have actually been doing a hell of a lot of heavy lifting. #like i developed a sense of self that can survive being constantly crushed and at this stage is fucking diamond.

[red-dyed-sarumane]

i need people to start paying me for every time they tell me "oh but ur arts so good ur wasting ur talent u need to do it professionally" wrong i need to do art to draw beautiful characters that not a single other person cares about while feeding every ounce of love i have into my work or to convey thoughts & feelings beyond words and to even think of doing otherwise is to deny my own nature "oh but u can do what u want and then sell it" why is everything about money to you why cant u just enjoy things at what point in ur life did u forget how to have fun

#i hate that this stance is also seen as childish #like i have a full time job & often have mandatory overtime i have income already #if u need to to make ends meet then thats different do what u can to help urself live as comfortably as possible #but holy fuck pleasure as an adult is not limited to sex & money & watching tv #besides u know not a single one of the people who say this are willing to actually pay what the arts worth #its like 'well not me but other people would love it!' yeah okay u know a lot of other people are going to see the #over $100 price tag and go 'i like it but not that much! other people however' like just shut up. honestly. be quiet. #if i speed ran my art and low balled myself to a $15/hour rate the lowest would still be like $120 #which is not worth it AT ALL bc i just paid MORE to sit on my ass & look at eggs #and. again. is underselling myself for both experience & time. but people think $80 full body comms are too expensive #do u think im so stupid to not expect to get scammed when even 'easy' things are over $100 #but no ur right why would i have fun with something when i could instead cause myself infinite stress over it perfect thanks #do not give me advice about doing comms i do not want to do comms #if u see me doing comms im in a very dire situation. like thats a last resort for me.