#to be fair it pains me even more

[reginrokkr]

𝐗𝐋𝐈𝐕. Dainsleif, carrier of memories and importance of reminiscence.

Following this a bit, I can’t help but think about characters like Zhongli who talk about the importance of memories concerning objective truths of the past that the passages of time wear and tear (it doesn’t help that Celestia is contributing a whole lot to that lest another civilization goes to poop) and Madame Ping who talks about the burden of those who carry the truth which I think was... in the latest Moonchase Festival.

Then I can’t help but think about the smol Aranara folks that say that Memory nourishes new life. Death is just a one-time loss of memory and how important memories are to give them strength to achieve what by norm would be impossible, in view of the importance it carries. It’s partly the reason why the Marana Avatar was defeated in the present, after all. Dain being a driving force that carries the truth of the world on his shoulders is so important, and yet it kicks me in the shin to think that he can’t even remember something as simple as what’s his favorite place in Teyvat after journeying through it for so long.

#◟༺✦༻◞ Events to be remembered in blue veins ┊Addendum.┊ #to be fair it pains me even more #that one line of the very end of the Travail trailer #when he says that he barely has any memories left #which I don't know #if it's supposed to be farther in the plot #or it's more in the past which could explain #why he doesn't remember his childhood either #because Genshin trailers #tends to mess with voicelines like that #make them feel like they're meant #to mean something #only to mean something different #although that trailer was supposed #to be linear #so who knows #it's painful nonetheless 😔

[kaltacore]

no but essek's abnormal behaviours in the last arc and especially in episode 140 are my roman empire. which is ironic because aeor is something of a roman empire itself. but in all seriousness, it was the episode that made me realise i love essek and his development so much and it kinda summarised it even before caleb's epilogue.

and i mean the "it's not fair" scene specifically. it's like, an epitome of his whole character progression from a person who put An Objectively Important Goal above all else without hesitation to someone who can't help but care for people around even more than his goal, no matter how big and relevant it is.

the mighty nein - and he alongside them - pretty much saved the world and freed an ancient city from thousand-year-long suffering. they defeated nine extremely powerful menacing entities who managed to stay out of everyone's sight for years and were so close to achieving their goal and dooming exandria in the process. they did the impossible and became heroes and somehow, they survived, even though they had bidden farewells a couple of hours ago because they had already understood what they had been facing. and nevertheless. they made it.

and none of them was celebrating.

mighty nein are basically essek's only friends. he knew them to be very unusual people, to put it lightly, loud and stubborn and completely inescapable once they consider you to be one of their own. and they showed him so much kindness and put so much faith in him, they were here playing the most atrocious music ever and digging clay in his backyard for a spell they invented just to help one of theirs and asking him if he could bring them pastries the day after they found out he was lying to them and had started a war. they were chaotic and weird and sometimes unbearable but most importantly they were carrying so much hope with them all this time - a hope they could end the war, a hope they could stop the angel of irons cult, a hope they could get better, a hope he could get better, and now, finally, that they could save their lost friend.

and that hope shattered, just like that, the moments after they'd already made the impossible. they saved so many souls - and then could not get back just that one.

for essek "my intentions were never good they were important" thelyss it just. shouldn't have mattered. they won. it could have been worse. people die and when they die they rarely come back. they should've been happy everyone else barely made it alive.

but for some reason, mighty nein being so defeated after they saved the world exposed him to that overwhelming feeling of injustice and unfairness. and i mean, there were many things essek considered to be unfair, but when i watched his first appearance and his interactions with mighty nein later on til their reunion in aeor arc, i wouldn't dare to guess that one of the things on that list would be something that personal. and personal not even to him.

the thing is, essek didn't even know who that guy was. why mighty nein cared about him so much. he had an idea, i guess, that he was their friend once, or someone in that body was. it was also a person who wanted to unleash a terrifying horrific aberration onto the material plane. it was a person very dedicated to killing essek and his friends - and they still didn't take any pleasure in fighting him. essek didn't feel strongly about lucien or molly, because he never knew them.

i don't think he mourned his death and failed resurrection. he mourned mighty nein's hope, the one they put in him when they had no reason to, the one they offered yasha in the cathedral and the one they kept after the spell for veth failed and the one they carried til the very end because they wanted it to reach molly. they had saved people with this hope. they had saved nations. they had saved the world. but they ended up feeling like it hadn't even been worth anything.

how desperate would it feel, witnessing people who for some reason always saw good in you when they absolutely shouldn't, who made literal miracles out of nothing, who ended wars and fought gods and tricked the hags and freed cities from horrors beyond anyone's comprehension purely because they thought it was the right thing to do and also loved their friends this much, silently crying over a dead body they couldn't bring back to life? how desperate would it feel to realise that with all your knowledge about time you dedicated your life to and threw away any principles for, you can't undo this? no one can. some things are left to fate alone and this time it wasn't kind to them. no matter how much good they did, they still got slapped in the face.

and it was, i think, such a genuine moment of empathy. like, essek is the character who prefers to put up a facade and act distant and self-composed but this time he just. walked away unable to watch this. the could only say to fjord that it wasn't fair. even when he was caught off guard in nicodranas he was able to explain himself and his motives to an extent even though he was a nervous wreck whose extra important plan went to hell the second the only people he cared about appeared. this time he had nothing to elaborate on. it just wasn't fair. it wasn't fair his friends didn't get what they wanted the most. it wasn't fair he couldn't do anything to make it right.

it is such a sad and beautiful and even cathartic scene because it is about person who started a war that destroyed so many lives - and then met this ragtag group of weirdos who saw a lonely stand-offish guy and said "hey, let's be friends!" and didn't even wait for him to answer. he saw them being serious and calculated and he saw them being ridiculous and extremely stupid, he saw their mistrust to outsiders and their loyalty to each other, he made spells with them and paid a visit to their hot tub, he ate their stale pastries and drank their hot chocolate mixed with whiskey, he was welcomed amongst them and in their wonderful home, both in xhorhas before they even found out what he had done and in the tower when they already knew - and then, he saw them mourning their loss, defeated and helpless, and he, a person who believed there were things more important than whole nations, let alone just one life, couldn't help but share the pain they felt. a pure display of compassion from someone who detached himself from it, who didn't believe he could grow into a better person capable of it again, but became one nonetheless without even realising it

#sorry. i cannot shut up about this. this scene stuck with me the moment i saw it and i just couldn't get it out of my head #i mean. i liked essek well enough. i just got attached to other characters more. but then 'it's not fair' happened and it sealed the deal #it was just. so beautiful. so sincere. so important for a character who just started to learn how to care about people #his reaction wasn't intentional. it didn't change anything. but it showed how humane he had become. how deeply he cared #mighty nein are no joke pal #they're gonna make you feel all these unknown emotions like sympathy and love and affection even when they're incredibly painful #essek experiencing closeness and attachment in all their forms. as something beautiful and something aching. is so important to me #they saved him because they had good hearts! and these good hearts sparked so much joy around them! #but if a good heart grants you an ability to experience joy so profoundly. it makes everything else feel like that #you get it. i hope you get it. anyway e140 did so much psychic damage on me i probably will never recover #in a good way mostly <3 but yeah. yeah. it makes me feel a little insane #the mighty nein #essek thelyss #critical role

[welcometogrouchland]

SPOILERS FOR THANKS TO THEM (obviously)

hello i was reading this lovely post (by @lollytea) that gave a good breakdown of the writers intent behind this scene, and i thought to myself “gee, i love it all in concept, but i wonder if they could’ve executed it better by emphasizing all of the things hunter’s fighting for in the actual moment itself?”. then i remembered that i have the power of editing, and made this! complete with the cheesy white vignette toh likes to stick on flashback scenes that i love jgvhnfchgfc

#the owl house #toh #thanks to them spoilers #toh spoilers #hunter noceda #hunter toh #do...do i tag the others?? idk there's a fair few characters in this scene #anyway yeah this technically isn't like. seamless (ideally the clips wouldn't go over footage of bunter actually doing stuff- #-and would instead like. come between those bits but then i'd have to loop the soundtrack more than i'm confident doing jgvhgv) #i DID have to loop it a bit for the very last series of flashbacks and even though i think i pulled it off really well #it was a bit of a pain <3 #i noticed that earlier in the episode there's like. a whooshing sound? when luz thinks abt belos in hollow mind and we flashback #so i figured i'd keep that in as well #it was hard though cause so many scenes were right smack dab after each other and i didn't want the effect to be super noticeable #until the end at least #yeah #also s/o to magnus for telling me to add in hunters voiceline of ''i like who i am right now'' w/ an echo effect #inspired choice #undescribed #sorry about that again- i have no clue how to describe videos #if anyone wants to take a crack at it i'd be eternally grateful #this is also probably a terrible time to post this but i do not care. it is not my fault i am on gmt

[my-current-obsession]

My hyper-specific type when it comes to otome guys:

- Absolutely pathetic - Cannot speak to a girl normally to save his life - Tries to be calm/aloof, but turns tsundere when flustered enough - A good and pure man at heart, yet does some questionable things - ...Little Red Riding Hood???

#heart fragment #taisho x alice #otome #doofenshmirtz voice: if i had a nickel for every time i fell in love with a video game guy heavily associated to little red riding hood... #..i'd have two nickels. which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice! #i made this post basically as a way to announce i played heart fragment recently. and uh. it's REALLY GOOD #i probably do love clive the most (and i was immediately interested/biased considering his similarities to Red) but... #the rest of the cast is great too! I ADORE shannon and i am beyond ready to figure out what jasper's deal is #and honestly i'm into the mystery and the strained family relationship aspects too. just great writing all around even beyond the romances #this is one of Those Games that messes with you and the more you play it the more it sneaks new creepy stuff in #whatever the hell is going on with inigo in the dreams is unsettling. and i love it. #but seriously i'd recommend this to any otome fan and ESPECIALLY taiali fans considering the similarities go far beyond just this #you like fairy tales? you like exploring psychological issues and trauma? this is the game for you #also you can date guys AND girls which is a rare treat! again - i LOVE shannon. i just... love clive even more #but to be fair i think the hangup is that no matter what you're very close and friendly with shannon #so even if you don't romance her you still have a great relationship with her regardless #meanwhile with clive he's starting as a stranger and you basically have to be a jerk to him or blow him off which hurts my heart #and also clive seems to fall kind of fast and hard for you so the relationship developing in a romantic direction just feels. right IMO #i can accept being just besties with shannon (even though I definitely still love her romance outcomes) #but it pains me to spurn clive's affections #on an unrelated note i do intend to post my thoughts (basically a review) of winter's wish: spirits of edo #but i want to finish getting the sorrow endings for CGs and lore which means a second run through several routes

[myrmica]

my reading of lifesteal season 4 is so personal and involved at this point that even if i was going to post more character analysis i would not know where to start. it would require footnotes to documents that don't exist. listen to luddites and lambs by everything everything and you'll get half of it though

#m #lifesteal #there is just such a compelling and clear thematic line between like. okay #first you need to just accept for me the idea that zam as a character is defined by being trapped running both towards and away from #the same object (mapicc) #and then you have to take mapicc as interchangeable with pain in general but specifically an inescapable normalcy of pain #which is caught up in something zam wants and knows he wants which is the “pure/natural” idyllic version of lifesteal #where every fight is fair competition #and what mapicc has done to hurt him more than the actual stalking and murder and all of that is that mapicc refused to fight him on even #ground (by literally invading and destroying his home so that everything becomes battlefield) in a way that offends his most deeply #held values. AND THEN he reads vitalasy's use of the exploits as trying to take that same thing he fundamentally values about lifesteal #away and he gets incredibly angry with vitalasy for hurting the server itself (pvp becomes functionally obsolete for a while there) #so he plays out the eclipse betrayal framing it in his own mind as another situation where he is the victim and vitalasy is the #manipulator/aggressor and falls back into the kind of jumpy paranoid behavior we as the viewer haven't actually seen from him in a very #long time now (late into eclipse when mapicc isn't an active threat anymore he really does stop jumping at shadows the way he used to) #and seems comforted by the familiarity of it if anything. because what vitalasy was asking of him that made him panic and reject it so #badly was to create a new pattern and step out onto unknown ground but he can't do it #and he retreats back to what he knows. so vitalasy isn't WRONG to read what zam does as victimizing himself #and forcing vitalasy into a villain role that is literally what he is doing #but vitalasy on the other end still has his own entire set of things he is not dealing with #and so the relationship created by these two people is doomed by their inability to look themselves in the eye more than any of the actual #facts of the relationship itself #and the thing zam wants lifesteal to be is not and has never been real. the thing vitalasy wants lifesteal to be is also antithetical to #its nature they are both wrong #but zam is wrong in that he wants to return to an idealized imagined past that does not actually exist #(see also vague historical allusions in his castle and his name and him trying after vi's death to cast off violence completely and return #to the land somehow. and the association created incidentally between stone tools and rudimentary technology) #and vitalasy is wrong in that he's trying to create something entirely new that nobody but him actually wants via the exploit #(see the way that once the exploit is 'out of the box' it can't be put back in and the course of the season is set in motion and any attemp #s to fight it and change that course are futile as allegorical to sudden technological advancement being met with violent opposition)

[angelsdean]

dean studies, figure 2: dean as the caretaker and peacekeeper

sam and john are depicted as the “obsessive” ones...the ones who get caught up in their revenge quests, fueled by their emotions while dean--dean is the rock. dean is the caretaker. dean is steady. and it contradicts the fanon interpretation that dean is / has always been “the angry one.” he was not the angry one. he doesn’t let himself really be angry, feel angry, until after john dies. for 27 years he could not afford to be angry. there was no room for his anger. there was already too much anger is their family, and dean had to put his aside to mitigate, bury his own feelings, to diffuse john and sam’s anger. before john’s death and before hell--because it’s only really after hell and 40 years of literal torture that dean starts to lean into his anger--he was always the peacemaker, always playing the mediator to the two hot-heads constantly clashing. he had to be calm and steady and reliable, he had to be obedient and loyal and good. he took care of his family, he provided, he made sure sam was fed no matter the personal cost to himself, he looked after his dad even when he didn’t deserve it. he had to be more than just a brother, he had to be a father and he had to be a mother.

#i'm being silly abt this formatting sajfkkdsf pretending to be a little scholar ! #but no really this whole exchange makes me insane like 1. it's not even john saying he's proud it's azazel #so that makes it even more insane and painful bc it's almost like. he's being mocked for taking care of his family #and azazel knowsss it's literally dean's weakness so like. yeah. and then the 'you always have' too is just #like this is literally his role after being a good little soldier it's being a good little caretaker #and in both roles (soldier and caretaker) there is no room for DEAN to exist. he has to completely give up himself #there's no room for dean's own wants or wishes or dreams so like. that brings me to his reaction #his eyes downcast unable to meet his father's eyes looking away (he's looking back to sam) and it's just like. #this is what he gave it all up for he gave up his life his freedom to take care of his family and sure he's proud he has to be #but it hurts him too it hurts him because underneath the perfect solider the perfect son underneath his sense of duty. he still WANTS #he still wants more than this life he wants freedom a chance to choose he has dreams and it's not fair. it's not fair and it hurts #but he won't say a word he'll swallow it all down in a minute and get back to work. but for that second those few frames #he feels the pain the resentment the anger the sadness #anywaysss. litcherally writing a thesis here #dean studies

[boxwinebaddie]

would your stans be the type to solve disagreements with a just dance battle since theyre pacifists

yes...i support this.

***my stans both claim they wont stop putting up peace signs in pictures until theres world peace lmaooo

i am not sure, however...that they would win many.

cue me combining the complicated answer to your simple question with some ncu dance headcannons, but i do hope they thrill you!

but alright, so i said that because...

...i am not convinced whatsoever that pep!stan has rhythm.

which musically, of course, he is very gifted. he can sing and play guitar really well, could probably pick up other instruments if he tried.

one of my favorite headstannons actually ( and i think its present across both stans ) is that he has perfect pitch...and when kyle and him are arguing and kyle is lecturing him stan gets suuuuper annoying and starts being like "a, b, e flat, wow f sharp" KYLE GETS SOOOOO MAD ITS SO DKHSDLHDS hes so annoying help

however, being musically gifted does not mean...you can dance.

and in the baggy ass, gigantic ass skater boy jeans, the gigantic slouchy metal hoodies, the big beanie, his greasy ass blonde bangs all up in his ( cute little ) face and his vans untied...its a no from me.

like dead sober he's just hella stiff, has no interest in dancing, every single prom or dance he's been to with wendy was actually hell omg

BUUUUUUUT....drunk stan ;)

he will get SOOO WEIRD!!! hes down like oh my god, like dead sober stan is like ready to die if there is dancing, drunk stan is pulling you on the dance floor, sloppy as hell, spinnin you around, kissin ur hand!

like is it good dancing? no absolutely not? is it lit? absolutely.

okay like specifically, him and kenny? TOGETHER? it goes so hard like stan learned dance moves for one reason and one reason only and was to turn up to parties and absolutely fuck! it! up!

WAIT OK THE FOOTBALL ONE WHEN STAN SHOWS UP TO THE FUNCTION LATE AS HELL STILL IN HIS FOOTBALL JERSEY??? I JUST KNOW KYLE IS SWEATING WHEN HE SMIRKS AT HIM

also i just remembered that i canonically after winning shot roulette, had extremely drunk stan get up on the kitchen counter and drop it low to im sexy and i know it and collect dollar bills like a stripper and..

u know what!!!! it was definitely a low budget strip tease at best, very messy, the man has litrally no ass, but he is FINE so u know what, he looked good, he put on a s-h-o-w and no one was complaining!!!! especially not kyle when stans shirt flew off and hit him in the face.

whEW!

....a lot of dreams abt that one, huh kyle?

( i do think that all night kyle is trying to be Responsible and is like

[ throwback pep chapter 2 to kyles stmwtp contact photo ]

i should take stan home he should not be drunk and doing hand(stan)ds breaking the keg stand record....but then stans shirt falls down, he gets football boy ab-ed and winked at so hes like...nevermind thats so crazy...he can have five more minutes this is my favorite show <3 salhds )

hooooowever! moving right along:

conversely, i do think ravenstan...can definitely Dance.

but. BUT!!!!!!!

i will say...he had to be TAUGHT!!!!!! PAINSTAKINGLY!!!!! HOW TO DANCE!!!!!! it was a Miserable process. it was so painful, oh my god. hes so awkward, god bless him. he was SOOO BAD. he was like guys i cannot do this???? i give up!!!!!! and kenny and the cd boys were like u can do this rae!!! this is ur Dream and he was like...sigh...SIGH.

and did...eventually get...honestly? kind of good? hello? excuse me???

RAVENSTAN???? HELLLLOOOOOO

okay also i do think he had a small boost like i do think that rm!sharon definitely had rhythm af and used to spin shelley and stan around the kitchen making dinner with the mexican radio station blaring. <333

( so hes got a lil bit of That going on...lets go half mexican ravenstan )

but also...if u want to be Absolutely Miserable...pre!raven!stan who was 11 was learning how to formally dance around that time because of the sadie hawkins dance, but more specifically...because of shelley's birthday...specifically...

her quinceanara.

which she never got to have...

...because she died three days before her birthday. :)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

fun!

stan still knows those moves by the way! he is haunted! Hi, PTSD!

aka Phantom There's Shelley Disorder!

but yes, raven learned how to dance because he had to learn how to dance, but that does not mean he likes doing it or that he is sober.

he also gets to coast mostly on sex appeal and being hot and looking into ur eyes, so like if he fucks up its kinda just like damn thats crazy i didnt see anything but ur very pretty eyes raven whatever u want, hansome!!!!! its a lot of powersliding and hip stuff...whew! lis...ten.

Aaaaaaaanyways!

tldr; just dance in front of every1? i think he would eat tbh its his job

BUT PRIVATELY? uhhhh...i think he would be nervous as fuck and on top of that i think jersey kyle would look at him once and he would fall in his ass and fall into something and break his arm its that unserious

so basically neither of my stans can dance, but both of them can dance way better drunk bc they are relaxed and raven was just forced at gunpoint to learn how to Move so he can...

and 2 well tbh. ;)

sahdkshdls

ALRIGHT I ADDED MY KYLE HEADCANNONS JUST FOR FUNSIES!

ok i went back and forth on this for a while.

i was like do i give kyle no rhytmn? can he dance?

my answer is that when both my kyles are dead sober theyre like so far infused into the wall that they are literally the structural integrity of the house party, like so far from the dance floor, judging literally everyone, sneering at everyone, disapproving glares...

and naturally this makes u thirsty because its hard work, u know, being a full time fucking HATER

gotta drink the haterade which, ofc, is a hard cider/seltzer for pep!kyle and is probably cheap grocery store wine for jersey

BUT WHEN HE HAS LIKE TWO OR THREE OF THOSE

ohhhhhh my god

drunk!kyle ;)))))))))))))))

DRUNK KYLE IS SO FUN!!!! HES FOR THE STREETS!!!!!!!

they gave him way too much ass and for no goddamn reason like hello???? HELLO???? like i think he does his little white mom dance moves his little taylor swift awkward bird boy sways HES VIBING!!! tbh i think hes kind of good??? like??? okay kyle???? lets go bitch!!!

ALSO IF MEGAN THEE MOTHERFUCKING STALLION COMES ON HE IS RAPPING AND THROWING SERIOUS ASSSSSSSSSSSSSS

like do not think i forgot that marjorine taught kyle how to twerk and that jerseys entire running playlist is just like Fuck Being Good Im A Bad Bitch!!!! like just iconic loud female rap for like 30 minutes skhdksskdhks IT GETS DIRTY FREAKY NAAAASTY IN THERE!!!

like stan and kyle in any ncuniverse dancing at the function is INSAAAAAAAAANE like it is an event!!! stan is like okayokayokaaay!

go white boy gooooooooo!!!!

hes really just in shock and awe, every time kyle gets loose enough to hit the dance floor its the best night of his lifeeeee i mean that omg

Heart Eyes Emoji! he is SIMPING!

( honestly i think if u specifically put raven and jersey on the dance floor turnt the fuck up it would go viral like sheeeeeeeeeeeeesh ohmygod...is it hot in here??? ravesey stan twitter Blowing Up! )

tbh my fav style at parties hc specifically like pepstyle when they start dating is that whereas stan would usually be like the last person to leave a party, when him and kyle start dating, they truly just get schwifty, makeout against the fridge and irish goodbye everyone like out of the blue, kyle is like i want to go home ;) and stan is like yEAH BYE EVERYONE SEE YOU LMAOOO KSHDLSD literally sprints out the door holding kyles hand!!! unserious!!! boys!!! down horrendous!

also to be fair jersey kyle is just such a tangle of long limbs but he took really strict and rigorous ballet courses so professionally and in refined settings he dances very beautifully...but at parties...when hes Blasted...its a mess, its so unhinged but hes REEEEALLY CUUUTE

one day i will put drunk!jersey and raven in a room and when that day comes u will all simply not be ready but im warning u anyways. <3

i did not answer your question very well, but i hope this was fun.

-uncle nina, who is...not even sure what i was trying to say?

p.s. wait i know he doesnt count technically but toolshed stan can do crazy acrobatics and shit so he can dance for Surely and would actually probably DESTROY! just dance but probably pretends to be really bad for his secret identity...human kite!kyle i want to say is an awkward alien king like learning english and strange earth customs was hard enough dancing is so weird he is not good at it...Inchresting

me in denial abt the grimy fucked up weirdly political dystopian in terms of mutants and public judgements and propaganda tfbw stan-kyle-kite-shed love square au rip oh my god dont let me do it guys

#help #i hope that made sense but im not totally sure #pep stan cannot dance he just stops giving a fuck when he drinks and gets sloppy but charismatic #raven can dance but he Had to learn & it was painful but now he can sexc lead singer boy dance rly well BUT ITS HIS JOB even if he hates it #both my kyles are stiff and awkward when not drunk and will not dance and will heckle you probably #kyles on like 2 or more drinks? they are taylor swift lanky white boy white mom dancing #throwing crazy obscene amounts of ass #its a show its quite a time to be alive i cant say if its graceful but its definetly filthy dirty nasty i luv u kyle #also fucked up! jersey kyle specifically gets really cute and red and giggly and really forward and touchy so...whew! #when that day comes...wow...what a day...praying 4 u ravenstan...good luck solider #i love pepstyle showing up to the function poaching the drinks and leaving to hook up #they are my heroes oh my god they are messy and i love them #to b fair i do think dating!ravesey would do the same shit smh #like if they are at an influencer event and jerseykyle is like im leaving or gives him The Look...its so over omg #someone asked me abt my style hcs im so excited #edit: also no1 let me do the weird intense scifi tfbw au im not supposed to omg #but like if i split them into heroes and villians due to public perception of physical mutations? #and beauty standards and xenophobia against specifically aliens in that universe and more exhausted college students #if u see that in the tags one day...its not me...shhhhh

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#love that when ur stressed and having a bad time it makes ur menstrual pain worse so you feel even more awful #like. yes. id love to get things done but unfortunately i need to go home immediately at 2pm bc i feel physically ill. vibes wretched. #im considering sleep here at 6pm but 2 b fair i think i only slept 4hrs last night. woof. tomorrow is gonna b interesting #i think the allergic reacting is abt over now tho. like im not really itchy anymore. the rash is still visible but i think its just dry now #bc of the cold. so was i ever reacting to the tatto0? or was it all the medication? im so interesting in what happened #would i not have had a reaction if i hadn't got a bunch of holes poked in my skin? or was it just a coincidence #that the rash started on that arm? ugh. so frustrating. and i think the psychiatrist forgot to actually book my appointment from when we #last talked so idk. maybe if i watch t4skmaster over and over it will heal my soul #ay. its all very frustrating. and i still dont have fucking autoclave access. fuck off. just give me the fucking key code #i just wanna pour plates 🫗 lol that actually looks a lot like pouring solid media. i dont wanna have to steal someone else's card to open #the door. who even locks up an autoclave??? they didnt at my old school and u could wheel a body into that thing. im pretty sure it was #bigger than this one. also there's another unlocked on on campus. why?! i ask ppl and fucking no one knows. that's just how it is #ugh. i should go to sleep. my tummy hurt #unrelated

[whentherewerebicycles]

also I KNOW that all my college and high school friends are not actually announcing pregnancies or births at a higher rate than usual I’m just more hypersensitive/attuned to this kind of news than usual but also sometimes I feel an uncontrollable rage in my heart towards these people who are 1) getting pregnant for free and 2) getting pregnant, period. I recognize this as an irrational and unfair emotional reaction! it’s not like these people can help being straight and/or having uncomplicated pregnancies! but also I can burn with suppressed rage and grief about it!!!

#a college friend just announced the birth of her first baby and I am literally in tears of rage and grief about it #even as I am also happy for her! great for them! #like the heart can hold both I guess and this heart sure is busy holding both #I’d be closing in on the end of the first trimester #and instead I am just: nothing #I think the hardest is going to be if my SIL gets pregnant. like I already felt murderous rage when she wasn’t drinking at a dinner #it’s like TOO close you know. I feel crazy with anger about it and I know it’s not fair or kind #and for some reason the money stuff just muddies the waters further #like it feels like I’m just pouring thousands of dollars down the drain every month and all I have to show for it #is one fewer fallopian tube than I started with #and maybe it’ll take them a while to get pregnant but they’ll be doing it for free with two incomes #i just have a childish stomping-my-foot reaction to it sometimes #like the universe owes me anything #I think I am going to start the foster parent online training modules this weekend sigh #I’d like to have everything ready to go or in progress so that if I try for 3-4 more months with no success #I can at least begin the slow painful pivot faster #blah blah pregnancy loss grief #IUI tag

[grymmdark]

eaaughhhhh siblings are so hard to have sometimes.....

#grymms spectacular fucking posts #my sister is an incredibly frustrating person to live with #she spends all day either at her computer playing games or in her bed #she has back and knee pain that makes it so she cant bend over plus general chronic pain so she doesn't do a whole lotta chores. which i get #but she also complains about our parents not doing enough to take care of the house. like they both have fulltime jobs and have to take care #of 2 disabled kids. it's not fair to expect that they can also regularly do chores ontop of that #and if she spent her time putting in a bit more of her fair share of housework then I'd be a bitmore understanding but she doesn't do that #much. like i have chronic pain and i go to school 5 days a week and i do more chores than her #and she's an incredibly stubborn and emotional person who will flip out at anything and so i feel like im walking in eggshells talking to he #r #one time i was upset and said that if our parents went to jail for me skipping school I'd just dumpstedive for food and she said she didnt #wanna do that and i said she didnt have to. and she took me saying that as saying i wanted her to starve and didnt talk to me for a month #like if i cant even say something small and stupid when im upset and she's the one whose egging me on by saying stuff while im upset then #what can i even say around her aughhhh #anyways i know that shit like this is why i have a therapist but there's genuinely nothing i can do about this because she is the problem #and she's the one who isn't doing anything and aughhhhhh she makes my life so much harder just by being around #and i love her i want her to get better and move out for her own good but it's so hard to love someone who is nothing but a burden who #refuses to be responsible

[bangcakes]

.

#personal #lmao around this time last year i decided to give up on him n LMAO girl if only you knew #i should have just talked to him but djdjjdjdjd idk it felt weird. but he even like. complained one time that we didnt talk all summer #like LMAO..... bro its two ways. u could have messaged me too xjdjjdjdjdj #tho to be fair i think he did show up to a dinner but i wasnt there bc i had just had wisdom tooth surgery n was 1. blown up like a balloon #and 2. so high on pain meds i couldnt function JFJDJJDJDJDJDJ #n e way whatever jdjdjdjd im just laughing at myself bc how did this man become my closest friend from college Zhfnnddnnd #our relationship is so weird. not in a bad way but in an unexpected way #we sat beside each other an entire semester n never talked til the last day like thats so FUNNY IDK #i even said to him that time. bc we were talkin in the hallway n went to sit for the exam n sat in our regular spots of being one seat awa #y and i was like... you know its so funny that we sat beside each other all semester and only talked today #and he was like.... hahha yeah #i was gonna introduce myself but it felt so stupid JDJJDJDJD #i didnt even know his name LMAO #i had him narrowed down to 2 names. bc he was one of like 2 guys that Always showed up in another class' zoom #and LOL i was right. he WAS one of those 2 shjdjsjsj #n e way. then the next sem came n i didnt know whether to say hi to him or not bc we talked ONCE #and i was still wearing my mask at this point and so id try to smile at him with my eyes but never got a response HDNJDJD and so i got soooo #annoyed with him. and even more so bc i kept making friends with ppl and they KNEW HIM??? and i was like WHO IS THIS???? #then one time he came up to me n my friends before class n we just talked and i was like o lmao this annoyance im having??? its a big ole #crush BDNNDNDND #and in community college its hard to like. know ppls ages and that day i found out he was 2 years younger so i was like o ok 26 n 28 isnt #bad at all #but thinking back.... first things we exchanged that time was age and i think he was also trying to fish for whether i was single bc he was #talkin about this other guy havin a baby n a wife n i was like o wow !! i didnt know!! #jdjxjdjdjdk god when he found out my age he was like... oh i never would have guessed you were older. you look young ZFHJDJDJDJDJD #oh so you were Looking is that right HJXJXJXJZJZJ GOD LMAO #i look back on so many moments n im like oh duh... he must be interested #but for me its like. i will literally more easily believe literally any other theory so i thought he just liked one of my friends Zhjxjx #ya i dont think so anymorem but i thought that up until like mid january HDHXJJXJDDJJDJ

[pastel-rights]

And then I finally end it off with some doodles of them… they make me feel things.

#ringmaster doodles #sona art #( they’re very much the theme of. love in the face of the neverending march of time. ) #( being immortal and knowing you will outlive the man you love because someone else deemed he unworthy of eternal life. ) #( he may still have tens of thousands of years left. sure. but you know that those will go by and he’ll disappear in the blink of an eye. ) #( and you’ll sit there on his death bed. wondering why did things end up like this? ) #( wondering what you did wrong. and if you could have done something different. you’ll always ask yourself. ) #( if he lives a life of happiness and comfort or did he live a life as gruesome and miserable as the wars on earth? but you won’t know. ) #( and the more you think about it. the more you realize it. how nihilistic he was. and how he never seemed to smile even in the good times. #he always seemed to have a frown or a scowl on his face. he always seems bothered and unhappy. ) #( so you wonder if it was something you did. because you know you aren’t perfect. you’re hardly good. ) #( you wonder if he’s mad at you. maybe he was. but he doesn’t have the heart to stay mad. ) #( and that’s love in the face of adversity. knowing that no matter how bad it gets. he loves you as you love him. ) #( and you wonder why he never smiles. because he truly never does. and so you ask him. honest and true. ) #( and he tells you there isn’t anything worth smiling for. nothing in this whole world. ) #( but he smiles at you. it’s always small. and it’s always brief. ) #( but that smile. that smile means love. ) #( that hug. as flimsy as it may be. that hug means love. ) #( of course. he isn’t affectionate. if anything. he detests it. he hates physical contact of any kind. you’ve noticed. ) #( which is a shame. you love your hugs and your kisses and your hand holding. ) #( but even if he doesn’t like it. he lets you do it. because it makes you happy. ) #( and you learn that when you’re happy. he’s a little less miserable. ) #( of course. not all love is equal. and not all love is fair. ) #( the love from a lover and the love from the father can never equate to one another. ) #( no one will love you in the same way a father or mother loves you. in the same manner. no one will ever love you the way I do. ) #( because my love will remain with you. long after I disappear. ) #( and as bitter as the idea of my own existence coming to an end is. knowing I did all of this for. essentially nothing. ) #( that I’ve gone through all this pain and suffering and hardship just for it to all amount to nothing. for it to be fucking useless to try. #I get to die knowing that you’ll always love and be loved. and that’s enough for me… ) #( … maybe there is something worth smiling for after all. )

[no1ryomafan]

My tradition for when I start a new obscure anime is to always go on ao3 to see if there’s a tag and the reaction from me is always one of three things:

“Oh wow this tag actually has surprisingly decent amount of stuff even if it hasn’t been updated much as of late. Still not 100 fics or anything but good to see about 20 that aren’t crossovers.”

“Oh there’s like- one fic in this tag huh. And it was years ago… And everything else is crossovers for some god foresaken reason. I’m gonna have to write something for this eventually.”

“Why the FUCK does this not have a tag do I really have to do this myself?!”

And the only reason I’m not writing more fics for everything I watch since they tend to fall under the second and third option or even if they don’t I end up liking what I watched a lot is because a red robot looms in my mind preventing me to write anything else- Also I’d get really exhausted from carrying so many fandoms when getter already drags me oml.

#meg text #fanfic rambles #fanfic struggles #ao3 #niche fandom #I’m glad for a lot of these it’s been the first option but the second two are the more common #also with the first one it’s usually just one person writing all the fics which AHAAHAH (relates to the pain too well) #also I say fanfic/fanart is always the true measure of how obscure something is over actual post discussing it #discussion is great but if something hardly has fanart or fanfics that’s when you truly know NOBODY knows wtf this is #of course with anime especially older ones it really depends on what language circles your around #because Japan has mecha engrained into their culture unlike here sadly so they’ll know more things #but also they had their fair share of flops and oh boy has that happened to me a lot! #I still can’t get over- how bad shin jeeg did- and how there wasn’t a fucking tag for it #am I truly the carry of the getter fandom when I made the first jeeg fic ever? Think about that #also Kikaider also has NOTHING or at least not for the anime somehow and I need to fix that #I just haven’t because AGAIN I’m stuck to one series and it’s hard to write anything else #even if I feel bad for it sometimes but autism be damned I have the most ideas

[thesmokinpossum]

Also I just realized that when they're at the morgue, Tom pointedly looks at anything but Sonny's body like he cannot get himself to look at him and now I am unwell

#i mean i was already unwell but now i'm even more unwell #and there's the fact that in the novel tom blames himself for sonny's death like...how much pain do y'all want me to experience exactly? #all of it? and then some more? alright then #then again i do find this scene a tiny little bit funny tbh like i always imagine bonasera being like #'....you know i am an undertaker and not a magician right?' #in all fairness he pretty much just have to make the face and hands look ok but still even that would still be a pretty big job #the godfather

[spideygal]

Thinking about the disturbing implications of Cain's story and destiny from the Bible rn

#cw religion #no because like. cain didn't come out of the womb throwing rocks; how did he even think that it was healthy to stone his brother? it leads #me to believe that potentially; he either saw the angel war going on in the sky and thought that those who stayed in heaven and were treated #well; even with the violence that happened (from what he had seen and potentially heard); were. well how to say it. their actions were #normal. god created everything; and can think anything as normal. or he saw his parents fighting. i refuse to believe that adam and eve were #one of those healthy couples; even after the biting of the apple and getting kicked out of the garden of eden. i fear that cain and abel saw #the two fighting; potentially even going as far as to threaten each other with stones; and when the two excused it; the kids thought of it #as normal. keep in mind: violence is not born out of nowhere unless you're god; violence is taught; seen; heard of. it didn't make it any #better that there seemed to be no other people outside of the family yet that could tell them that that behaviour was wrong. so imagine #cain's shock upon seeing his brother not breathing. the shock that he murdered him. the shock that the threats that his parents did to each #other or that the angel war happening; were not normal. his brother was dead now. of course he had to lie when god came by. he quite surely #felt panicked to the point that he accidentally made a comeback to god. how could he not? he was a kid. they both were. and he felt regret. #he felt remorse. he felt anger to himself. and yet; god punished him. cain thought it was fair; because he killed his brother. but after a #while; it didn't seem fair. as he grew up; he thought that god telling him that he would be cursed to spend eternity roaming around the #earth would only last for until he was in his 30s. mortality rates were quite surely high back then; so he naturally thought that what god #said was metaphorical. because caine felt that way. that his remorse and anger and pain would roam eternally on earth. but after his #partner; and his children; and his grandchildren; and his great-grandchildren died; it didn't seem to be fair anymore. he wanted to die. he #had witnessed and felt everything: the flood; the crossing of the sea; the plagues; the goddamned everything. he still felt pain. he knew #why he was cursed; but he felt like what god did; was just plain cruel. he felt as though purgatory and getting juried out to see if you #were getting sent to hell or to heaven; was much more simplier; and had less pain; than dealing with the fact that you were now just a #walking body. something that used to be a person. something that should've been dead a long time ago. and yet. he was still alive. he just #wanted it to end. he knew what he did was wrong. but he just wanted to go back home. he wanted to start from scratch and be protective of #his brother and run away from god's view. but he couldn't now. he was cursed. he is now just a legend. a myth. a terror tale amongst the #folks in several towns that swear that they had seen him amongst the shadow. he must've been. after all; he looked ghastly enough to have a #tale or two written about him. ...would cain go near jesus? to ask him to please grant him mercy from this thing that he had now become? #or would he frightened? fearing that jesus would be as cruel as his god? obviously caine would be worried. jesus is supposed to be god's #child after all... i don't know it's just he reminds me of twilight sparkle and i just had to write this down- #cw corpse #spideygal #spideygal oc

[fatcowboys]

ive been tracking my migraines consistently which i havent in a bit since i know most of my triggers and such but since im trialing meds and treatments and god. december was 2/3 migraine days. fuckin 20 migraine days. the past two weeks in particular i have had three days where i have not had a migraine. this fucking sucks.

#its also a big increase feom the last time i was consiste tly tracking too #which was a few years ago to be fair but also it does feel like i. the past few months it was a big jumpr ather tha. a small increase #god im tired of this shit. schedulwd a fu w my pcp but im also going to try and schedule w am actual neurologist but thats just tiring #to try and find someone who wont suck and also will probably take forever to get in to them #idk the big increase makes me wonder if its worth asking abt getting an mri its just been a Lot. scream. #and like even in the last few months as the amount of treatments and meds and dosages im on has increased the frequencies has increased #which i didnt realize until i counted #i knew the frequency didnt decrease tbh but it seemed like the pain level had decreased and it had adjusted timing to a more manageable time #but. it sucks to go bsck and count to see that in fact it increased lmao #so. ugh. im tired of my brain being such a fucking bitch.