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storiesatdawn · 4 months

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insp : sleepless nights

tw : panic, anxiety mentions of abuse

sometimes it's something I don't even understand.

Incense that smells slightly different, or a flavor that I'd forgotten or a recipe that needed to be made.

I end up listening to music and whittle the night away, hour by hour, my blinks lessen as my eyes struggle to stay open.

Usually during these nights I am manic. I deep clean the freezer and steam clean the floors

Piles of socks that I had never before bothered to pair, couple up and stay together happily in the drawer for months at a time.

Old clothes are thrown away[donated to the sheep, usually] and I'm so active in my various activities that it overwhelms and worries my partner.

His worried voice floats from the other room, stern but just enough concern to give him away.

"I think it's time for you to sleep,"

simple and boring dialogue, from a simple but not boring man.

He knows I wont listen, but would rip himself in two if he didn't at least try to look out for me. I shake my head stubbornly- taurus sun.

"Who knows when I'll have so much energy again," my explanation is weak, but true. Most days I am nearly comatose with lethargy.

Other nights it is an extension of my lethargy

There's no reason not to sleep- but there's no reason to sleep either. I'll sit with my back to the window, imagine myself falling through it and into the dark sky below me. The moon shines beautifully, but it only serves to hurt my eyes. I am blind to it's beauty.

Unable to move, or muster more than whimper, I am caged by my own body. All I can do is blink blankly at the wall and wait for it to pass. My mind swirls faster than I can comprehend, although bits and pieces of it make its way from the torrent of information into my consciousness.

Anxiety, plans for tomorrow, worry for my health, worry for my mortal partner, worry for my health, worry for Ethel and her poisonous affection for humans and their venomous dislike of her, concern for Lyion and their struggle with their identity,

idle thoughts about people I've hurt in the past, wondering if they still think of me or are made to stay awake at night from the wounds i've given them

The guilt of my existence, the people I've hurt and the souls I've tampered with and the animals I've eaten and the trees I've destroyed and the waste I've created and the pain and suffering I caused Ring. Ring. The man I love against all reason, who was verbally abusive, physically abusive, has inflicted some sort of psychological damage to every member of who I consider to be my family, whos connection I refuse to cut because of the mixed feelings of gratitude and love and warmth and compassion.

Eventually Day finds me. At this point my eyes are completely dry, but the tear marks down my cheeks tell all. The panic and feeling of overwhelming less are muffled underneath my physical reaction to my partner. And I am lifted gently- gently, but still jolted. My body wrapped in blankets, and he is as delicate as he can be, the brute that he is. A pillow is placed on the bed, my head laid upon it, and he knows that I will ask for another pillow to hold while I nestle my body against his torso- so he gives it to me before my voice can travel through my throat.

I know he gets no sleep because of my episodes. The guilt of it wrestles with my pleasure of being cared for. Pleasure wins, and my body reacts instantly- I am humming with love and happiness, and he snorts at my sudden mood swing- unsurprised, but still amused.

#insp : sleepless nights #insp : tree #pov : mar #tw : panic attacks #tw : anxiety attacks #trigger panic attacks #trigger anxiety attcks #Things I want you to hear

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grimbeak · 3 years

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Pt 2/the aftermath of Mistakes.

Tws for this drabble- attemped suicide (sort of. no one actually gets hurt), discussions of suicide/self-harm attempts (neither suicide or self-harm are directly mentioned, but it’s obvious that that’s what the characters are talking about.), and descriptions of a panic attack/mental breakdown.

let’s continue.

Mistakes- pt 2

Jay had lost his friends the other ninja somewhere in Ninjago city, dissipating his dragon halfway through the chase and hiding in an alley for a few minutes.

After he got out of the city, he had flown to Stix- didn’t take too long when you were flying, surprisingly.

And now he stands in front of Ronin’s shop, wondering if it would be rude to simply phase through the door.

He looks down at the water slapping against the poles below him.

He could just jump in.

Jay knocks, eventually, and it takes a few seconds for Ronin to answer. When he does, he’s holding a sword. For some reason. “If you’ve come about the stolen gold, I swear, I didn’t do anyth-” his eyes land on Jay. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Hi.” Jay fidgets where he’s standing. “I’m assuming you already know about what happened on the island?”

Ronin nods, not setting down his sword, but lowering it. “Mhm. Few tribe members passed through here a couple weeks ago- I managed to drag the story out of ‘em.”

“Great,” Jay says sarcastically, “so everyone knew what happened before I did.”

“Yeah, I guess- wait, knew?” Ronin narrows his eyes. “So you know.”

“That I went insane and tried to kill my fri- my team? Yes. Yes, I do. That they then killed me? I also know that.”

“...Good for you,” Ronin says slowly, leaning his sword against a cabinet. The duo stand there in silence for a moment until Ronin sighs, stepping back inside and holding the door open. “It’s gonna rain soon,” he notes, glancing up at the thickening clouds. “You coming in or not?”

Jay hesitates, looking up at the gray sky.

It would be so easy to stay out here and just burn.

The wind whips up around him as he finally steps into Ronin’s shop, the first few droplets of rain darkening the wood.

It’s... less messy than the last time Jay was here, but it’s still full of probably-stolen items. Ronin directs him towards a chair near his desk. “Here. Sit.” Jay obeys, plopping down onto the chair and drawing up his knees to his chest. Ronin wanders over to the door, locking it (probably so the police can’t get in.) before going back over to the counter, where he drags a chair out and sets it a few feet away from Jay’s. “So. What happened?”

Jay takes a moment to look at an only mildly-broken clock hanging in the corner of Ronin’s shop. It took him about three hours to get here, considering he had to walk through most of Ninjago City. “I,” he starts, “overheard some... things. On purpose.”

“Ah. Eavesdropping.” Ronin gives him an approving nod. “Well done.”

Jay looks at him.

“Sorry. Go on.”

So Jay tells him.

The Aeroblades are in the left corner of the room, around ten feet away from where he’s sitting. They’re lying on the second self from the floor.

“Well,” Ronin says eventually, “that sucks.” He eyes Jay warily. “So why’d you come here, anyway? Seems kind of a weird place to run away to.”

Jay shrugs. “Seemed like a good idea,” he lies. “They won’t... the others won’t think to look for me here. With all the water and all. I just need some time to think, anyway.”

Ronin eyes the singular window in his shop, looking at the rain pouring down onto the docks. “Well, you have plenty of that. And, if you want, I can just tell them you’re not if here if you come by.”

“You’d... you’d do that for me?”

“I mean I’m stuck with you until the rain lets, which, in this place, can take hours. Maybe even a day, if we’re lucky.” His tone is sarcastic, and Jay offers a weak smile. “‘course you can stay here, kid. Just don’t touch anything.”

“...Thanks,” Jay whispers eventually, turning to stare out the window.

Idly, he wonders if the rain would be so kind as to redirect itself through a hole in the roof and spray directly onto him.

The rain, being inanimate, doesn’t reply, and instead keeps doing what rain does best: falling.

***

Ronin knows the kid didn’t just come out here to hide out. He could’ve done that anywhere- the mountains, someone’s house (he can turn invisible, right?), or even a crappy store somewhere in Ninjago City.

But no.

He chose Stix. Specifically, Ronin’s shop in Stix.

And Ronin thinks he knows why.

Jay is... definitely not in the right state of mind at the moment. And for a good reason- your friends indirectly telling you that they were forced to kill you in self-defense after you tried to kill them and raze your home has gotta mess you up.

Ronin locked the door to his shop so Jay wouldn’t go outside to purposefully disintegrate himself (now that he thinks about it, the blue ghost can go through walls.... still, he tried).

But Ronin has other items in his shop. Some of which, unfortunately, are used for taking out ghosts.

Which is why he’s not at all surprised to see Jay holding an Aeroblade as Ronin comes out from the back room.

“Jay, put it down.” The blue ninja jumps, nearly dropping the weapon as it starts to phase through his fingers. He catches it, though, being careful not to touch the sharp bits. He turns, and Ronin can see his eyes.

Wide and wild.

Scared.

This isn’t going to be easy, is it.

“Jay, please put the Aeroblade down.” Ronin’s voice is calm, despite himself, and some part of him wonders why.

“I don’t-” Jay’s voice is shaky and unstable, and Ronin mentally prepares himself for the worst in a few minutes. “I could just- I could-” His hands are shaking too, Ronin realizes.

“You had a chance a few hours ago,” Ronin says slowly, “over the water. And even now it’s still raining. You can phase through walls, can’t you? So why this? Why now.”

“I- I’m-” Jay hesitates, for a second, breath still coming out in short, tiny little gasps. “It’s- I don’t- I don’t want to hurt them.”

The other ninja.

He’s scared that he’ll lose it again and try to hurt them.

“Well,” Ronin starts, “the first thing you did after finding out what you did was run here, right?” Jay nods, warily, and Ronin continues. “If you were going to hurt them, then wouldn’t you have done it back at the temple? You ran here to protect them from you. Or,” he adds after seeing Jay’s hesitate expression, “you came here to protect yourself from them.”

“It was- I- it was both, I-I think,” Jay manages, breath calming slightly. His grip on the Aeroblade is still tight, though, and if his fingers weren’t a shade of green and see-through, Ronin thinks they would be white from squeezing the weapon so tightly. “I don’t- they killed me.”

“I know,” Ronin whispers, stepping closer. Jay lets him, although he does pull the Aeroblade slightly closer to his chest- the spikes are pointing at various walls, though, not at the ghost boy, so that’s good for now. “I know they did, and they shouldn’t have, even if you tried to hurt them. They should’ve tried to contain you, not kill you.”

“I hurt them, too.”

“It wasn’t your fault- you weren’t thinking straight.” Ronin hesitates, for a moment, thinking. “Didn’t the tribe pull some voodoo stuff on you? That would’ve messed anyone up, even me.”

“Yeah,” Jay whispers, “messed up my head. But- but they had a lot to work with, I mean- the feelings that my team didn’t- doesn’t care about me, the feelings that I was abandoned by my parents, my real parents... I had those already. ‘s not like they put those thoughts in my head when they were messing with it.”

“That’s still OK. Kid, from what I’ve seen, your friends treat you like crap. Even if they’ve been trying to make up for it, that still doesn’t excuse their actions. Doesn’t mean you didn’t do anything wrong, though. But you weren’t in control of yourself for most of it, and... ‘sides. Power corrupts even the best of people unless it’s handled carefully.”

“Yeah.” Jay looks at the Aeroblade in his hands. “...Zane was being controlled in the Never-Realm, once. Evil staff. Evil henchperson. He froze a lot of people.”

“Ooookkkk.” Ronin’s gonna have to ask exactly why the heck these kids haven’t gotten therapy yet. “So, you and him have something in common, then. You’ve both been controlled by forces you couldn’t stop. Maybe you should try talking to him about it. When you’re ready, of course,” Ronin adds quickly. “I don’t think the rest of your guys have the brain cells to come looking here.”

Jay doesn’t respond, but he does allow Ronin to step closer. Ronin reaches for the Aeroblade. Jay hesitates, drawing it worryingly closer to his chest, but eventually lets the other man take it, setting it down on a table beside him.

Ronin takes a moment to look into the kid’s eyes, which are suddenly welling up with tears and oh there’s a child in his arms, isn’t that weird.

(He remembers why he was so calm, now. He’s done this before.

Maybe this time, the kid will live.)

Jay’s arms are tight around him, and Ronin freezes before letting him bury himself in Ronin’s coat, muffled sobs cutting through the soft pitter-patter of rain outside.

Do tears burn ghosts?

Maybe, but Ronin’s not entirely sure that Jay wants it to stop.

Jay’s obviously not concentrating hard enough for Ronin to be able to touch him at the moment, so he settles for awkwardly patting the kid’s shoulder while trying to stop his hand from going through his body.

Maybe... maybe this time, things’ll be OK.

***

It’s nearly four A.M before the ninja come knocking on Ronin’s door.

Jay’s been asleep for almost six hours now, passed out on the couch in the back room. Ronin’s not sure how much longer he’ll sleep, but hey, at least he’s not having any nightmares.

Ronin, however, has been awake for nearly twenty-four hours now, and he wants to gouge his eyes out. Even thieves need a good nights rest.

(He doesn’t want to admit that he’s staying awake in case Jay has another breakdown. Ronin just can’t sleep because of the rain. The rain that’s been lightly sprinkling for about an hour now. The rain that no one can hear from inside. That rain.)

The rest of the ninja, presumably, are standing outside the door, exhausted and soaking wet.

Ronin opens the door.

The rest of the ninja are standing outside the door, exhausted and soaking wet.

“Hello,” Ronin says.

Kai, who has apparently no idea what manners are, asks immediately, “Is Jay here?”

Ronin narrows his eyes, pulling the door slightly closed. “And what are you going to do if he is?”

Kai opens his mouth and gets nudged by Zane, who gives him a stern look like ‘remember what we talked about’. Kai, re-opening his mouth after a moment, says awkwardly, “We’re just going to talk to him. About... how we should have told him what happened on the island. And we’re gonna apologize, for, uh, killing him.”

Ronin considers this, and eventually the door open the rest of the way. “It might be a while before you can apologize,” he says, and adds upon seeing Kai’s confused face, “don’t wake him up.”

He leads them into the back room, where Cole immediately, for no reason other than seeing Jay asleep on the couch, goes ‘awwwww’. He is instantly shushed by Zane. Nya, however, studies her boyfriend (ex-boyfriend? Ronin’s not invested in all these relationships.) before going; “Is he using your coat as a blanket?”

Ronin, clearly not wearing his coat, glares at her. “No.”

Lloyd studies the sleeping ghost for a moment. Finally, he says, “How long has he been here?”

Ronin bites his lip, beginning to herd the team out the doorway so Jay doesn’t wake up. “Around... half a day now. Since yesterday, at least.”

Kai thinks about this for a moment, like he always does when he has to think about things that are ridiculously easy to understand. “And what was he doing here, exactly?”

They’re all back in the main shop area, now, and instead of answering directly, Ronin walks over to the table and the shelf and hands Kai the two Aeroblades that remain in the shop. “I think you should take these.”

Kai takes one as Cole takes the other, the fire ninja looking up in confusion. “What, is Jay gonna hurt us- did you hurt him?”

“I didn’t.”

“Then who-” Kai trails off as he thinks for a moment. His eyes widen. “Oh,” he whispers. “Did he- I mean, was he...”

“He tried to,” Ronin says simply. “He wanted to. I talked him out of it, though.”

“God,” Kai whispers, staring in horror at the weapon in his hand. “Thanks.”

“There’s another thing I wanted you to talk about.” Ronin pulls out the chair Jay was sitting on earlier and sits down. The ninja have nowhere to sit. Ronin doesn’t care. “I have... a house. Up in the mountains.”

Cole narrows his eyes. “Is it your house or someone else’s house.”

“...You don’t need to know the answer to that right now. Anyway, even if Jay wants to talk to you guys, I doubt he’ll want to live with you for a while until he gets his head on straight. So, he can come to the mountains with me for a while- I need to stock up on some rare items only found up there, anyway. Plus, we’ll be away from all the... water.”

“Isn’t snow made of water?”

Ronin looks at Cole. “Did snow affect you when you were a ghost?” Cole hesitates, then shakes his head. “That’s what I thought.”

“Wait,” Kai interrupts, “Jay has parents. Can’t he stay with them instead of some thief in the mountains for a few months?”

“Have you told them about his situation?”

Kai hesitates. “We told them he was dead.” He goes quiet. “We, uh, forgot to tell them he was back as a ghost. I think he just assumed we told them at some point.”

...This kids are all idiots. “You’re all idiots. Jay can stay with them if he wants to, of course. Just a suggestion since you guys won’t know where we live and won’t come to bother us every two days.”

“Oh.” Kai considers this. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

Ronin stands up (and pretends not to notice Cole immediately stealing his seat), sighing. “You guys can either come back in a few hours or sleep on the floor, I don’t care.” And with that, he walks off to the back room where Jay’s still fast asleep.

(Later, after they come back, the ninja will find him asleep on the opposite side of the couch. He’s sitting up fast asleep, sword having fallen to the floor a while ago.

He looks peaceful.

And Jay does too.)

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