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labarch · 3 years

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Witch Hats and Prejudice Part II

<-- Part I

Olruggio, my love, my man, I’m sorry your proposal to Qifrey in chapter 40 didn’t go as you hoped, let’s sit down and discuss your workaholism, temper issues and saviour complex, yes? Yes. It’s couple therapy time at last, we’ll have a look at Qifrey and Olruggio’s relationship and at chapter 40 in particular through the following points:

-Panelling in the Orufrey conversation in chapter 40

-Prejudice and power imbalance in Qifrey and Olruggio’s interactions

-Help as a collaboration between equals (spoiler: they haven’t made it to that stage yet)

-What Olruggio wants from Qifrey

Panelling in the Orufrey conversation in chapter 40

The conversation in chapter 40 is never framed as a happy reunion. If we reuse the analysis of the panels from Coco and Qifrey’s conversation I made in my previous post, we find the same markers of unease between Olruggio and Qifrey. Most of the panels are narrow, and get darker and darker as night falls. Qifrey and Olruggio rarely share a panel, and even when they do, they rarely make direct eye contact: Qifrey looks down, or Olruggio walks away from him, or they are curled in on themselves or standing on a slope at different eye level. For a while Qifrey is up in the air and mostly talking to himself. Oh yeah, and there’s a hat that gets in the way at some point.

It gives the sense that they are having two separate conversations, and that they never truly achieve the connection that we saw between Qifrey and Coco. On top of that, while the conversation is supposed to be about comforting Qifrey and earning his trust, Olruggio never manages to get a smile out of him, except for wobbly, miserable little grimaces. So what’s going through both of their heads, and why are they failing to meet halfway?

The chapter has an outward pull to it. The scene takes place on a slope that leads away from the atelier. The chapter opens with a herd of dragons flying away and into the night. Then Qifrey takes flight to look into the distance, while giving a very contradictory speech about how fulfilling yet dull his life is here, how happy yet trapped in an illusion he feels. He has to hold on to his cape as it flaps in the wind. It brings those dragons back to mind, like they are a metaphor for the side of him that wishes to escape. Qifrey’s migration season is just starting folks, it’s a confusing time for him okay.

In contrast to Qifrey looking ahead into a dark wilderness, Olruggio in this chapter is almost always looking back. He walks away from Qifrey to talk to him over his shoulder, or he looks back towards the atelier. In the only scene where he faces Qifrey full-on, the past is so present on his mind that he de-ages them both. It’s interesting, because it adds a caveat to his pledge of listening to everything Qifrey has to say: he is not so much trying to adapt to Qifrey’s new situation as he is trying to bring them back to the childhood stage of their friendship, when they were always together and kept no secret.

This whole looking ahead / looking back dichotomy brings me back to the mentality of the Great Hall, a society obsessed with keeping itself in an insulated bubble, wrapping itself in good intentions and noble ideals, and ignoring its own inner darkness and complexity. Qifrey, because of his inability to be content and stay in place, threatens that delicate balance. That sends the other witches around him into such a state of panic and outrage that even those who genuinely love him end up lashing out at him with uncharacteristic brutality.

Prejudice and power imbalance in Qifrey and Olruggio’s interactions

I have described in my previous post how vicious and oddly personal Beldaruit got in his attacks against Qifrey in chapter 36, but you can make the same case for Olruggio, especially since the two scenes run in parallel. There is something excessive about the violence with which Olruggio confronts his friend. For one, he is choosing a hell of a time to do it: the girls are safe, there is no urgency to press Qifrey for answers right this instant – except if he is hoping to shock Qifrey into honesty while he’s disoriented. Qifrey has just woken up from a three-day coma; he is half-naked in a place Olruggio knows worsens his nightmares; his scar is exposed; he is half-blind because Olruggio has taken his glasses; Olruggio is literally an angry dark blob looming over him. I’ve often heard it say that Qifrey is manipulative towards Olruggio, but in return Olruggio isn’t above using intimidation tactics against him, consciously or not.

There is also the staggering lack of empathy of the approach: what started this whole thing is that Olruggio learnt about Qifrey’s impending blindness. And his knee-jerk reaction was to attack Qifrey about it. Like, um, my dude, your friend almost died, he is going to go blind and lose his job, you wanna try being sensitive about it? (Note that Qifrey running after the Brimhats didn’t trouble Olruggio that much at first: after his interview with the Knights Moralis he is mainly concerned with “getting his story straight with Qifrey”; it’s only later on, when we see him staring at the glasses he’s just repaired, that he starts voicing his doubts about Qifrey’s intentions). He may be right to suspect that Qifrey is hiding things from him, but there’s a pretty big leap between “you are keeping secrets” and “you are wilfully using your own child as bait”.

This whole suspicious climate, that makes Olruggio jump straight to the ugliest conclusion possible, is once again a feature of the Great Hall mentality. The mind of a person who has been in contact with forbidden magic is forever corrupt, and his actions are forever suspect. Had Qifrey been anyone else, he would probably have been given the benefit of the doubt for losing track of his students while he was, you know, extremely concussed and suffering from blood loss. Interestingly, Olruggio’s concern – whether, when faced with a chance to go after the Brimhats, Qifrey would choose his quest over his students’ safety – is addressed as early as chapter 22: after an instinctive movement to rush into danger, Qifrey pulls himself back and takes measures to keep Coco and Tetia safe, and even plans to call Olruggio and the Knights Moralis as reinforcements to help rescue the others. Then he gets hit in the head by a giant snake golem, and the rest is history.

In general, Beldaruit’s and Olruggio’s accusations that Qifrey is using Coco as bait without caring for her wellbeing just don’t hold up. First, all the attacks by the Brimhats so far have occurred in completely mundane, teaching-related settings with other adults present (at the stationary shop, or during an exam), so pushing blame onto Qifrey clearly comes from prejudice rather than evidence. Second, if Qifrey’s sole aim was to get clues on the Brimhats, he would pressure Coco into taking the Librarian test as early as possible, but we keep seeing the opposite: he encourages her to take breaks and to enjoy her training rather than be laser-focused on her goals. Hilariously, out of the two tests Coco passed so far, Qifrey gave his approval for none, thinking it was too early for her (extra-hilariously, Beldaruit is the one who speed-ran Coco through her second test). I’m just saying, if Olruggio hasn’t noticed any of this and can’t take it in consideration before bringing out the accusations and threats, maybe he’s not doing that good a job as a Watchful Eye.

Another thing about this climate of suspicion, added to the power imbalance between Qifrey and Olruggio, is that it prevents them from having a healthy fight. Olruggio invokes his duties as Watchful Eye to berate Qifrey whenever he steps out of line, but when Olruggio lets his temper carry him too far and misuses his own power (when he drags Coco out to the Knights Moralis even though she had already been officially accepted as an apprentice in volume 2, or when he accuses Qifrey of using Coco as bait in volume 7 without proof), Qifrey never criticises him for doing so. It’s not that he is shy about speaking up to power – he is more than happy to yell at Beldaruit and Easthies when they mistreat his students. But when it comes to Olruggio, Qifrey is compelled to shoulder as much blame as he can, and seems almost afraid of saying anything negative to him.

It would have been justified for Qifrey to start chapter 40 by getting mad at Olruggio for his earlier accusations: Olruggio had been insensitive, unhelpful and completely out of line. But instead Qifrey pretty much encourages Olruggio to attack him again: from his “I thought you might be mad at me” to frantically denying that Olruggio might have ever done anything wrong. In return, there is something defensive in Olruggio’s delivery during the “I’m angry that I wasn’t someone you could trust” segment: he walks away from Qifrey as he gives the non-apology, and it comes out sandwiched between criticisms of Qifrey for being reckless and a long speech of Olruggio praising himself, and how everything would be alright if only Qifrey behaved himself and relied on him more. It’s an issue that this old distribution of roles is so well-entrenched between them, with Olruggio as the golden student and Qifrey as the eternal problem child.

Qifrey’s exaggerated gentleness and praise towards Olruggio participates in the feeling of wrongness that weighs on chapter 40. The memory erasure scene is framed like a kiss, and Qifrey keeps complimenting him even after sending him into an unnatural sleep. It would come across as condescending and manipulative, except for how fervently Qifrey seems to want to believe that Olruggio is perfect, and that any dysfunction in their relationship has to come from him.

Qifrey, focused as he is on his own dark secrets, is utterly unwilling to see any darkness in Olruggio. It makes sense when you consider that Qifrey has also been absorbing the prejudices of the Great Hall: he thinks very little of himself, and has probably been looking up to Olruggio as a moral compass ever since Olruggio took him under his wing as a child. He must also comfort himself with the thought that, when/if his quest drags him away from the atelier, Olruggio will be a perfect teacher for the girls. Having to come to terms with Olruggio’s flaws must be terrifying to him. But what about Olruggio’s perspective in all this?

Olruggio is an example of how even those who materially benefit from an elitist, close-minded society are damaged by it in some way. He grew up in the Great Hall as a bright-eyed, idealistic genius, and even as an adult he clings to the principles of that society like a mantra: “bring the blessings of magic to the people”. He is successful and respected by his peers, popular with the nobles and well-liked among the commoners. Yet somewhere along the way he became a ragged, workaholic hermit.

I have mentioned in previous posts that I suspect Olruggio of grappling with his own, deep-seated fear of being unwanted and left behind. He betrays that fear in the way he is attacking Qifrey: his concerns about Qifrey’s treatment of Coco aren’t based on evidence, and underneath that veneer he is mostly complaining that Qifrey is neglecting him. “Be straight with me”, “Don’t lie to me”, “You wouldn’t even tell me about it”, “You took her as a student without a word to me first”. There again, Olruggio is being a bit hazy on how far his influence goes as Watchful Eye: from what we know, Watchful Eyes are meant to ensure that students don’t get mistreated, but they don’t get a say in who teaches whom: it’s the disciples who choose their masters. Olruggio grumbling about Qifrey adopting more and more children behind his back is cute when we treat them as a couple. But from the perspective of their professional relationship, Olruggio is claiming the right to veto Qifrey’s students and take them away from him without any evidence of abuse.

The problem is that Olruggio is very bad at expressing his feelings without using his job, and therefore his authority, as a crutch. It’s endearing when he uses it to explain away his gifts to the girls (“I just want them to test a prototype”) or his marks of affection and care (“Drying your hair so you don’t catch a cold is part of my duties as Watchful Eye!”). However, it adds a layer of threat to his arguments with Qifrey, because he is constantly dangling that authority over his head, even when he is urging Qifrey to trust him. In his more agitated moments, it turns into a one-man good-cop / bad-cop performance (“Step out of line and I’ll report you” / “Why won’t you confide in me? I’m your best friend!”). Sure, he is willing to side with Qifrey against the Knights Moralis when he deems it appropriate, but here’s the catch: Olruggio gets to decide where the line in the sand lies, and that line seems to shift depending on how hot his temper is flaring at any given time.

It’s no wonder their conversation lends them in a dead-end when it is so one-sided. Thourghout the manga, and in volume 8 in particular, the author explores the idea that help should be a collaborative effort between equals, that encourages both parties to grow and learn more about themselves. Trying to unilaterally “save” someone is almost guaranteed to miss the mark and come across as condescending; it might even cause further harm.

Help as a collaboration between equals

Therefore, Qifrey and Olruggio can’t really come to any connection unless they make it clear that they are helping each other, not just endlessly acting out their roles as the golden student who knows all the right answers, and the problem child who must be saved from himself.

Aside from the framing, help as an equivalent exchange is the other key difference between chapter 40 and Qifrey and Coco’s dialogue earlier in the volume. In order to counter Coco’s doubts and growing self-hatred, Qifrey reinforces everything he admires about Coco: from her social skills and capacity for teamwork to her practical skills and her straight lines. He reminds her of all the things that she achieved so far. He also strongly hints that her fight is his fight, too, and that they should hold onto hope for each other’s sake. Finally, he makes a (pretty dramatic, unnecessarily literal and definitely unsafe, but still awesome) leap of faith by letting her decide what direction she wants to take next. His support isn’t conditional on Coco making the “right” choice, but freely offered. In return, Coco makes a display of saving Qifrey as well, saying she wants him right by her side while she figures out her path. The rescue itself is symbolic (it would actually have been safer for Qifrey to go back on his own), but Qifrey’s gratitude is genuine, because Coco made him feel valued, irreplaceable, just as Beldaruit and Olruggio were making him doubt his place as a teacher.

By contrast, Olruggio’s speech of friendship contains a grand total of ONE compliment, served in such a back-handed way that it sounds almost like a warning: “To Coco, you are a good teacher, so don’t betray that trust”. This is weighted against a slurry of criticisms about Qifrey’s recklessness, and heaps of self-praise. Olruggio is making a case for why Qifrey needs help and why Olruggio is best-qualified to deliver that help, like he is making a sales pitch to a client. It’s probably not a coincidence that Olruggio is remembering his successful bout of diplomacy in chapter 39 as he gears himself for his conversation with Qifrey. Olruggio, look, I get that you have more faith in your professional persona than in your regular self, but you can’t talk to your best friend like you are doing customer service, it just doesn’t work that way.

The help that Olruggio offers leaves no room for Qifrey’s input: once Qifrey has confided everything and laid himself bare, Olruggio will pick apart “where he needs the help” and “when he is about to do something stupid”, and either support or stop him as he judges appropriate. It reinforces Qifrey’s inferiority complex and interiorised guilt, by implying that his moral compass can’t be trusted. It also places the blame for Qifrey’s rash actions solely on his lack of judgement, rather than on having to grapple with complex, life-threatening situations and being caught in a pincer between a terrorist group and an oppressive system. There’s no mention that the definition of what’s “lawful” and “responsible” and “just” has gotten a bit messed up lately, and that Olruggio himself has had to compromise with his duties to cover for the kids. Olruggio fakes confidence in his capacity to fix everything, and pretends that things can go back to the way they were, but it would have been more honest of him to ask Qifrey to work with him so they can form a united front to face their new, complex reality.

Instead, by claiming that he is helping Qifrey out of a sense of duty, as Watchful Eye and as a friend, Olruggio reinforces the feeling that Qifrey is a burden to him. This gives Qifrey more incentive to keep his friend away from his investigations, and to see himself as expendable. In that light, since their friendship brings Olruggio so much trouble and so few benefits, betraying him and stealing the memories that relate to Qifrey’s secrets start to look like the lesser evil.

The only way that the conversation in chapter 40 could have gone well is if they both freely admitted to needing each other. However, it is too early in Olruggio’s character arc to be honest about his own feelings and worries. And it is too early in Qifrey’s character arc to see past his own self-loathing and recognize that his “perfect” friend also needs support and guidance. Yet, when they do, it is hinted that Olruggio can draw inspiration from Qifrey, and help Qifrey in a more meaningful way by highlighting how Qifrey matters to him, letting them reach this stage of true collaboration.

What Olruggio wants from Qifrey

I think Olruggio is repressing a sense of disillusionment about his work, the fairness of the system, and his usefulness as a witch. We see glimpses of his anxiety in chapter 39 notably. While he says that his true role is to help the commoners, circumstances keep reminding him that like it or not, his main function is decorative. He gets dragged in on short notice to be yanked around by petty nobles and arrange light shows at weddings; he has to act in secret to help the destitute, and even then can only do so much before the rules of magic society get in his way. So far he manages to keep his head above water, using his talent for diplomacy and showmanship to keep the nobles appeased, and finding small, creative ways to help commoners without breaking any law. But it leaves him with the feeling of being trapped in an increasingly constraining role, and is slowly pushing him towards a burn out.

He seems to feel a kinship with princess Mia, who like him is used as a tool in petty squabbles between nobles. He even metaphorically puts himself in her shoes: after likening her situation to being trapped in the spotlight in a dance she doesn’t want, he applies the same metaphor to himself and his inability to act outside the narrow constraints of witch rules, of being constantly watched and judged. And then, adorably enough, Olruggio actually brings Qifrey into the metaphor. He muses that Qifrey, who has gone against established rules before, might be the key to escaping that dance.

For all that the “problem child” / “star student” dichotomy has been weighing on Olruggio and Qifrey and warping their friendship, there is a flip side to it as well. As a prodigy who always pressures himself to perform perfectly (to the point where he will work himself to a zombie-like state and then hide behind a mask to look perfect and pristine in front of his clients at parties, Olruggio no), Qifrey provides a chance at escapism. For all that he berates him for causing trouble, Olruggio seems to fondly remember their old adventures. It’s possible that he valued the opportunity to do rebellious, forbidden things without having to jeopardise his reputation. His fear of being left behind by Qifrey is then also a fear of losing his hope that, when the pressure of being the perfect witch becomes too much to bear, Qifrey will be there to break him free.

In summary, Olruggio wants Qifrey to be his rebellious prince who breaks him free from the ballroom, and we respect him for it. Qifrey had his reasons for not being able to confide in him, and they both have a lot of character development to do before they can reach a stage of actual collaboration and trust. But I don’t dispute that taking his memories was a dick move. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

#witch hat atelier #witch hat meta #qifrey #orugio #olruggio #orufrey

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shafferangelina95 · 4 years

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analyzethatmovieanalysis-blog · 4 years

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Analyze That

Analyze That tells a story about a mafia boss named Paul Vitti who is in prison when someone attempts to kill him. He contacts his psychiatrist, Dr. Sobel, to help release him from prison. Dr. Sobel takes Paul under his custody through treatment and adjustment of his life. Paul reconnects with his past and uses his job as a technical advisor for a mafia TV show to organize crime. Dr. Sobel uncovers Paul’s whereabouts and becomes involved with a heist. Paul frames his rival gang for his crime. The movie ends with Dr. Sobel asking Paul to stay out of trouble.

Authentic

The audience may initially be confused about whether Paul has brief psychotic disorder or antisocial personality disorder. However, I believe Paul presents the main symptoms of someone with antisocial personality disorder throughout the movie. I strongly agree with the statement that Analyze That provides an authentic portrayal of people with antisocial personality disorder.

The film states that Paul Vitti has antisocial personality disorder. People with antisocial personality disorder may exhibit criminal behavior by violating the laws and committing crimes. If untreated, people with antisocial personality disorder typically cannot fulfill responsibilities related to family, work, or school. Symptoms of antisocial personality disorder include having no regard for right and wrong, ignoring other people’s feelings, and not showing guilt or remorse for their actions. People with antisocial personality disorder tend to provoke, manipulate, or treat others harshly by lying or deceiving persistently and exhibit violent or impulsive behavior.

People with antisocial personality disorder may have signs of conduct disorder before the age of 15. Symptoms of conduct disorder include having aggression toward people and animals, destroying property, stealing, or violating rules. Antisocial personality disorder is a lifelong mental illness, but the violent and criminal behaviors can decrease in some individuals. It is unknown why there is a decrease in destructive behaviors for some people.

In the movie, Paul exhibits violent behavior with his gang and risks other people’s lives. Paul and his assistant, Jelly, dragged a hitman to a rooftop and threatened to drop him. When the hitman told Paul the Rigazzi family was trying to kill him, they dropped the hitman into a dumpster. Paul also punched an actor in a trailer TV for imitating him. Paul organized a car heist with his gang. Paul shot some gang members without any guilt or remorse. He even framed his rival gang, the Rigazzi family, for his crime. Dr. Sobel risked his life for Paul by being involved in the heist. Paul demonstrates aggressive and risky behavior to regain his role as a mafia boss. Paul cares less about how it impacts Dr. Sobel, his gang members, or his rival gangs. These dangerous behaviors meet the criteria of someone with antisocial personality disorder.

In addition, Paul persistently lies and deceives to the people who want to help change his life. Paul pretends to have brief psychotic disorder by singing West Side Story musical numbers and showing catatonic behavior. Paul resorted to this tactic, so Dr. Sobel can diagnose him. Dr. Sobel's assessment resulted in Paul's release from prison at the risk of his credibility as a psychiatrist. Paul deceives the executive producer of the TV series, Little Caesar, by using the show as a coverup to meet his gang members and organize a crime. The changes Paul made in the TV series impacted the show's ratings. Paul pretends that he is getting his life back together as a technical advisor for the series when he is going back to his old ways. These lies and deceptions allowed Paul to get what he wanted - revenge on the family who tried to kill him. Paul's methods of vengeance were at the expense of Dr. Sobel's life and the TV show.

The film provides hints of Paul's ongoing problems with the law. The Department of Justice says that Paul Vitti has been a menace to society since he was 12 years old. The audience can assume that Paul began partaking in criminal activity at a young age. Since Paul got away with the heist, he was set free and asked to not get in trouble by a U.S. attorney. The combination of Paul's criminal background and the "comedic" happy ending, the audience can conclude that Paul has not learned his lessons from past behaviors and may continue to commit crimes in the future.

Attractive

The criteria I will use to rate attractiveness will focus on Paul's negative personality traits and his adjustment to the real world. Paul's personality is shown based on his interactions with his gang members and therapist. Paul shares several negative personality traits associated with antisocial personality disorder. Paul exhibits arrogant and callous behavior. In the movie, he was released from prison, had a free place to stay, received treatment from his therapist, organized a crime, and got away with the heist. Even though there were people who unknowingly helped him with his plan, Paul gives credit to himself because he is the boss. Paul also demonstrates callous when he participated in aggressive, risky, and dangerous activities. He does not consider how other people are affected by his actions. There are a few moments where Paul tears up during his therapy sessions. However, Paul's vulnerability quickly diminishes with comedy.

Paul pretends to make positive changes in his life. He worked in three jobs before becoming a technical advisor for a TV show. Paul failed at his previous jobs because of his dark sense of humor and poor customer service skills. Paul also thought about crimes to commit while working his third job as a jewelry salesman. When he finally becomes a technical advisor, Paul abuses his position. He replaces the old actors with his gang and organizes a heist. Paul failed to leave his past behind and not take his job seriously, which hinders his ability to change his life. Paul's negative personality traits and inability to make positive changes in his life lower the attractiveness of the film. I strongly disagree that Analyze That provides an attractive portrayal of people with antisocial personality disorder.

Friendly

The criteria I will use will focus on how the gang members treat Paul with the symptoms of antisocial personality disorder. We meet Paul's assistant, Jelly. He helps Paul with criminal activity but does not discuss his boss's mental disorder. We also meet Patty LoPresti, a mafia boss who has a deceiving relationship with Paul. LoPresti ordered her hitmen to kidnap Paul's therapist and disclose information regarding his client's mental illness. Patti insisted Dr. Sobel stop helping Paul. They laughed about his diagnosis and took advantage of it. Paul trusted Patti in participating in his heist, but she betrayed him and collaborated with his rival gang, the Rigazzi family. The rival gangs made fun of Paul and tried to kill him.

The movie also lacked any meaningful dialogue between Paul and his gang. None of the gang members asked Paul about his mental illness. Paul puts up a persona as the boss to intimidate rival gangs and the local community. Although Paul has a family to help commit crimes, they do not support him in overcoming the symptoms of antisocial personality disorder. I strongly disagree that Analyze That portrays characters who love and support a person with antisocial personality disorder.

Hopeful

The criteria I will focus on will be Paul's changes in his symptoms of antisocial personality disorder and the situation. Paul returns to his old lifestyle as a mafia boss after he is out of jail. Throughout the film, he demonstrated aggressive behavior, committed another crime, and risked people's lives without guilt or remorse. The audience assumes that Paul behaved similarly because of his recurring arrests. It can be safe to say that his symptoms stayed on the same level of severity. Even though Paul technically has a therapist, we do not see much progress in Paul's character development. I think Paul's therapy sessions with Dr. Sobel are ineffective.

Paul gets away with the crime he committed at the end of the movie. He framed his rival gang, the Rigazzi family, for his organized crime. Dr. Sobel told Paul to stay out of trouble. This unrealistic conclusion allows the audience to guess what Paul will be doing as a free man. We may assume he will commit more crimes based on the events of this movie. Paul did not learn his lesson on how his actions can harm others. Instead, he might have learned how to outsmart everyone and continue to deceive people and return to prison. I strongly disagree with the statement that Analyze That provides a hopeful portrayal of people with antisocial personality disorder.

Helpful

The film does not portray a normal therapeutic relationship between the therapist and their client. A healthy therapeutic relationship consists of building rapport and maintaining confidentiality at the therapist's office. The therapist should not see their clients outside of the office nor disclose information about their clients. In the movie, Dr. Sobel allows Paul to stay at his family's house to help adjust his life outside of prison. Dr. Sobel also discloses Paul’s mental illness to Patti LoPresti and her family. He engages with Paul’s crimes and punches a gang member to release his frustration regarding his father’s death. Dr. Sobel violated many rules in the American Psychiatric Association’s Principles of Medical Ethics. The unprofessional and enmeshed relationship between Dr. Sobel and Paul enables the symptoms of antisocial personality disorder. Dr. Sobel's unethical practices and unrealistic abilities in setting Paul free from prison makes me wonder if the audience will think therapists are silly. The audience will get the wrong impression of what a therapist does if this was the only film they watched about mental health. I strongly disagree with the statement that Analyze That provides a helpful portrayal of people with antisocial personality disorder.

In Analyze That, we see a psychiatrist, Dr. Ben Sobel, who helps Paul with his psychological problems. During Paul’s therapy sessions, Dr. Sobel asks goal-oriented questions as a way for Paul to think about his future and possibly change his behavior. Even though Dr. Sobel attempted to convince Paul to reframe his thoughts and actions, he was extremely unethical in his treatment approach. Dr. Sobel failed to detect malingering for his client and lied about his client’s diagnosis. He also did not maintain a therapeutic relationship with Paul. These ethical dilemmas may persuade the audience that Dr. Sobel is an incompetent therapist. The audience might think it is normal to have an enmeshed relationship with their therapist and assist them in leaving prison. Dr. Sobel is a joke in this movie because of its comedic genre. The movie promotes several myths and misunderstandings about therapists.

Many mental health professionals who do not have experience in correctional facilities also do not detect malingering. When mental health professionals hear their clients describing hallucinations or suicide, they tend to take the client seriously. However, some inmates exaggerate psychiatric symptoms to get away from prison, avoid work, and receive disability benefits. Mental health professionals need to acquire skills in detecting malingering, especially with inmates. In the movie, Dr. Sobel overlooks Paul in his assessment regarding the possibility of him malingering. It may be fair to say that Dr. Sobel is more of a private practice psychiatrist. However, Dr. Sobel seems to know this client well based on the previous movie, Analyze This.

The film portrays unrealistic consequences of what happens when a therapist provides a fake diagnosis to law enforcement. When diagnosing a patient with brief psychotic disorder, mental health professionals conduct mental health interviews to study the patient's medical history. They may ask about their family's mental disorders and rule out common mental illnesses if there are no symptoms seen. In the movie, Dr. Sobel conducts the Rorschach inkblot test, a photo for Paul to interpret, and other neurological tests. The assessments shown in the movie are useless in determining whether someone presents the symptoms of brief psychotic disorder. A person must present the symptoms of brief psychotic disorder in the timeframe between one day to one month. Dr. Sobel cannot determine if Paul has brief psychotic disorder from his singular assessment. Dr. Sobel diagnoses Paul with brief psychotic disorder to the Department of Justice even though he knew his client was malingering. Therapists should not lie for someone with antisocial personality disorder. The lies enable the person to take advantage of the therapist. The therapist may also lose their license if officials find out about the inappropriate mental disorder diagnosis.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). The principles of medical ethics. Retrieved from https://www.psychiatry.org/psychiatrists/practice/ethics

Dryden-Edwards, R. (2018, November 9). Brief psychotic disorder treatment, prognosis & symptoms. Retrieved from https://www.medicinenet.com/brief_psychotic_disorder/article.htm#how_do_physicians_diagnose_brief_psychotic_disorder

Mayo Clinic. (2019, December 10). Antisocial personality disorder. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353928

Psychiatric News. (2000, October 20). Malingering or real illness? Prison staff learn the difference. Retrieved from http://psychnews.org/pnews/00-10-20/malingering.html

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idoljiminie · 5 years

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True and Deserved

So basically I wrote my own V After Ending

Pairing: Jihyun Kim (V)/MC

Word Count: 1414 words

Summary:

After Jihyun returns from his two years away, he and MC's relationship develops, and Jihyun experiences what it is like to be in a truly healthy and loving romantic relationship.

Read on AO3!

Once Jihyun returned knowing more of himself, he could now properly get to know MC. To really know her.

Not that he had any doubts as to how genuine and special the relationship between himself and MC was. It was just that what they had gone through together had made the progression of learning about each other different to that of normal couples, so he didn’t quite know what to expect when he returned two years later. He had no idea how their relationship would be in a normal, day-to-day life.

He found he didn’t have to worry. The more time he spent with MC, the more the relationship showed itself as being the one he both wanted and needed, providing him with more happiness than he ever imagined he could possibly have, more than he ever thought he deserved.

MC had been genuine during their first eleven days that started it all, and she remained so as their relationship developed. Back then, Jihyun had seen her kindness, her empathy, and her drive to help people, and he continued to see those traits within MC every single day.

He also came to know the other aspects of MC he hadn’t gotten the chance to see before. He would see her quirky sense of humour, one that could even match Saeyoung’s, which he would often find making him laugh. He would discover that she was a dog person rather than a cat person, although she would never say so in front of Jumin. He would learn about her family and her childhood experiences, her life before they had met, her likes and her dislikes. He would become familiar with her strengths, her weaknesses, and her flaws.

While the core of MC he had initially fallen for was the same, the new things he would learn about her, big or small, only made him fall in love with her even more.

Being with MC also made Jihyun realise how much had been missing in his past relationships. He hadn’t been aware of what a healthy romantic relationship truly meant until he was with MC.

He almost didn’t know what to do when he was being treated as someone precious, rather than the other way around. MC treated him with care that he didn’t recall ever having received before. He felt safe and loved with her.

MC listened to him and never judged him. She made him feel like he was able to be say what he wanted to say or be emotionally vulnerable and not be criticised for it. Jihyun never felt tested when he was with MC, never needed to second guess reasons for her actions or doubt her words.

She also made him feel treasured physically. MC cared over whether Jihyun was eating enough or was getting proper rest whenever he got so passionate over working on a new painting that he would forget to do so. When the two of them were at home, sitting or lying together, she would often hold him and make him feel so comfortable that sometimes he would fall asleep in her arms. When they had been at their most physically intimate for the first time, she focused all her attention on him, appreciating everything about him, including giving special attention to the scar on his torso from two years ago by kissing it tenderly.

Jihyun had grown to love himself in the past two years, but it still touched him deeply to experience such love from someone else.

While Jihyun and MC had their strong relationship that brought out the best of each other, they could stand as their own people. They didn’t rely on proving themselves or their worth to each other.

Jihyun, after his absence finding himself, was finally allowing himself to paint without feeling like he should hold back. He painted for himself. He did hope his art could be beautiful enough to be appreciated by others as well of course, but it was not his primary motivation. His main drive was for that of his own satisfaction, to do what he was born to do and express the ideas he had in his artistic mind.

MC still took her role within what was now known as the VFA seriously, and was becoming better and better at it with every party that was held. She grew into her skills of negotiating with party guests, and her organisation only kept increasing in efficiency and effectiveness, resulting in even more successful parties than there had been before.

It had been Yoosung’s idea to change the name of the RFA, and after some hesitation, Jihyun had agreed with him. Rika was no longer a part of the association, and was now very far away in both distance and participation. The association had changed since then, so much so that it felt like something different now. He also knew the name change was something MC appreciated, but never would have asked for. If Rika’s name was to be removed from the Association’s title, it would have to be from the people who were most involved with Rika and had been part of the association the longest.

Rika…

Both Jihyun and MC knew that her impact upon him could never be gone completely.

When Jihyun had returned, he and MC had sat in his home and had a conversation about her. He had wanted to have it as soon as possible, considering how much of an elephant in the room she was, and he didn’t want to run away anymore.

“What happened to Rika while I was gone?” he had asked.

MC saw the seriousness in his eyes, and didn’t even try to soften anything in her response. Jihyun wanted the clear answer, and so she would give it. “She was sentenced to imprisonment,” she spoke solemnly. “She’s going to be placed into rehabilitation programs and extensive therapy to help her as much as possible throughout, and afterwards she won’t be permitted contact with any association members, Saeran, or any of those who were in Mint Eye.”

“I see…”

It was as much as Jihyun could’ve hoped for. For the sake of all the suffering she caused, the lives that had been so damaged from her, and the scale of her severe actions, such a decision was necessary for justice for all her victims. Perhaps afterwards, Rika could finally be on the road to her own healing.

In all honesty, he hoped she would be. Despite all she had done, Jihyun couldn’t bring himself to wish any further despair on her than she already had. If she could live the rest of her life after her sentence doing good things, then that would be the best outcome for everyone. He didn’t need to forgive what she had done in order to hope she would one day have a happier, more fulfilling future.

“MC, I…” he said. “I know… that it brings up a lot of negative feelings for you when Rika is mentioned, and after what you- no, we- went through with her, that’s completely understandable.” He sighed and looked downwards as he spoke. “But nevertheless, she was a part of my life for so long. A part of who I am today has been shaped by that time with her. As much as I heal and as far away as she goes, I cannot fully remove that from my past and myself. It’s not something we can entirely move on and forget about.”

MC leaned forward, gently placing a hand on the side of Jihyun’s face and bringing his head up to look at her. “I know,” she said. “I could never ask you to do anything of the sort. That was a huge part of your life that affected you, and I would never expect you to erase that. I am here for you and all parts of you.”

Jihyun reached up to place his hand against MC’s. He would never cease to feel blessed by MC’s warmth and understanding. “Thank you,” he said so quietly it was almost a whisper. He intertwined his fingers with MC’s as he slowly leaned in to kiss her.

Jihyun had his regrets and many mistakes from the past, but would he actually go back and change them if he had the chance? Considering where he was now, happier than he had ever been and with MC, if changing his past meant changing anything in the present, then he probably wouldn’t.

#mystic messenger #jihyun kim #mc x v #v after ending #mysme fanfic #mysme #mm fanfic #mm spoilers #mm v #long post #my fanfic #spoilers

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hollenka99 · 4 years

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While I'm writing this thing with Jackie and Anti, I can't help but think about his suicidal ideation.

Because l mean, he certainly didn't have a fun time during those 10 months. It changes him. Half the time he fakes it until he makes it. Even his friendship with Marvin and Chase is a little staged on his end at times but he's good enough at pretending that they're convinced.

Sometimes he sits on the edge of roofs. The view isn't that bad from up there, some better than others. He thinks about pushing off. Just one little push and he'd fall. It's so easy. He wouldn't have to live with the nightmares, the guilt, the knowledge he'd go back if he said it was for the others' safety.

He could do it. But he doesn't.

Jumping off a tall building won't do shit. First of all, he can't stay dead. He'd just make a mess at the bottom and traumatise the others. Not to mention the time spent recovering from all the damage it would do.

So he doesn't actively kill himself. He simply experiments with bad habits instead. He finds Chase's hidden alcohol stash and tests whether it will work on him. His metabolism may not be like what it was pre-Anti but it's still above average. He participates in a drug deal, telling himself it will help expose local dealers and prevent further business for them. He overdoses and no-one knows because they thought he stayed in his room due to a bad mental health day. He sometimes has to be made to eat and drink.

He can pretend he's on his way to recovery all he wants. That won't change the fact he is struggling to adapt. He spent more of his life with Anti than his friends. He knows how to deal with Anti for the most part. Dealing with Anti was his normality.

God forbid he admits it, let alone anyone finds out, but he'd go back. He would return to that windowless room just to know where he stood. And he knows he'd stop fighting relatively quickly. Maybe he'd resist for a week or two to save face. But Jackie knows his place. It's with Anti, waiting to be told he's a good little boy.

It almost happens. The opportunity arises but he gets denied. He finds himself on the edge of roofs again. He's so done with everything. He wishes life would let him be done.

Then he meets Gwen. Things start off slow. She's just a dog. But she's there to help him. The more they get to know each other, the better she gets at picking up his cues. She can be there for him in ways the others can't. Soon, "Gwen woke me up" is a familiar code. He loves her and doesn't know what he'd do without her now.

The past year has been one of progress for him. I haven't decided when exactly but in the autumn of 2018, his amputation requests are fulfilled.

Don't get me wrong, Jackie doesn't suddenly feel amazing just because he has legs now. There's still physical therapy, leg fittings etc. He knows he wanted this but he isn't immune from the body image issues that commonly come with losing a limb.

He gets put in a support group. There's a girl named Phoebe who's kinda cool to talk to. Her mum helps run the group and half of her left arm is prosthetic. They become friends. So he gets introduced to other members of her friendship group. They're not too hard to get along with either.

His new friends are so beneficial to his mental health. To be able to hang with people who are not only closer to him in age, but who also aren't his brothers, it's incredibly refreshing. He doesn't have to focus on Anti or the coma or how things could go sideways at any moment. He can simply share memes or make dumb jokes like 'eat the rich'. He can be Jackie the 19 Year Old around them. Jackie the Former Puppet of Anti is allowed to be left at home.

Having a healthier social life doesn't fix everything though. It helps, sure, but they can't make the memories of those 10 months or their repercussions disappear. On Saturday (2nd), it was the anniversary of Jackie's kidnapping. Although I didn't finish the fic about it, Marvin stays up with Jackie and comforts him. You refuse to go to bed so you can avoid nightmares?. Fair enough. Jackie begs him not to let him parkour this week. Marvin swears a hundred times over during the night that of course he'd help him. No parkour, no roofs, no temptation to jump. Jackie was staying right here with his family, so help him.

It may get better but it doesn't go away.

#creator au #jackieboy man #tw suicidal ideation #tw suicidal thoughts #tw suicide #tw self destructive behaviour #tw drugs #tw alcohol

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theindependentjournals · 4 years

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Notes on Class

-The very first time I inhaled real marijuana?- “oh……lovely..”

PRELUDE (AN OPENING REMARK:) “FAKE ASS BEACH IN MY DUMB MOFUCKING LIL BRAIN ASS HOMOEROGONEOUS ASS TWATS FAKE ASS WASTE OF MY MOFUCKING TIME. STUPID GAY SHITTY FUCK FALSE ASS HOE NIGGAS AINT NO REAL NIGGAS BUNCH A LIL BITCHES ASS WITH THEIR PROSTITUTE ASS STRIPPING FUCKING HO PIMP MURDERED FAKE ASS MORMON SHIT WIT THEM DAMN BITCH NIGGER, BITE MY THUMB BITCH. SHIT ASS BITCH MOTHERFUKIN FAKE ASS NIGGER FOLK WITH THEIR DAMN STUPID BULLSHIT LIVES THEM OLD FAGGOT ASS NIGGER. CHOKE ON A MOFUCKING BITCH ASS BITCH SHIT HOEBAG DOUCHE MONKEYS MOFUCKING CATHETAR BITCH.”

BLISS, ID THE WALKER CENTER 1-800-227-4190 ACCESS BEHAVIORAL HEALTH 208-338-4699 EVALUATOR DUSTIN LYNCH : SEVERE DRUG HABIT (3.5) NOT EVEN ONCE ORGANIZATION 12 STEP SPRITUAL RECOVERY PLAY IT FORWARD “I’M A DOCTOR, NOT A TAILOR” THE AMERICAN PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION (DSM-IV) DRUGS APP ON PHONE

DEB: “I DRIVE ON THESE ROADS SOMETIMES! YOU WERE PUTTING OTHER PEOPLE AT RISK!”

Alfonzo: 9 WEEKS CLEAN OFF COCAINE. TRIP OUT OF TOWN FOR 4TH OF JULY TO CABIN… JET SKIS AND POWERBOARDS. HE DOES VALIDATION WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. BELIEVES IN A HIGHER POWER. VISITED HIS DAUGHTER AND WENT TO ICE CREAM.FEELS VICTIMIZED BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE ARE RACIST AND THINK HE WILL STEAL FROM THEM OR HARM THEM. PLAYS APP ON PHONE WHEN TRYING TO REST, “CALM.” HE HAD BEEN SOBER FOR 11 WEEKS AND 1 DAY AND THEN HE DRANK AT A FRIDAY 4TH OF JULY PARTY. HIS UA CAME BACK NEGATIVE. WAS READY TO PREPARE FOR RELAPSE.

Phillip: DRUG OF CHOICE METH AND COCAINE. WAS AWAY FOR A WHILE. STOPPED ACID 3 WEEKS AGO, HAD A REALLY HARD TIME QUITTING MARIJUANA AND ACID. IRRITABLE AND DEHYDRATED.

James: 2 WEEKS CLEAN OFF ALCOHOL AND METH. USES PATIENCE. “IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME.” BORN A BOY IN SPOKANE, WA. IS NOW 50. AT 2 Y.O. MOVED TO A SMALL TOWN COMMERICIAL FISHING WITH DAD. USED CRAB BOATS. “ALWAYS GONE FISHING.” HAD 4 SISTERS, 1 BROTHER. IF MOM WASN’T WORKING THEN SHE WAS DRUNK. DRANK DRANK DRANK. A LOT OF ABUSE, BUT WOULD NOT PHYSICALLY HARM THEM. DAD TOOK ONE SISTER OUT OF HOUSE TO LOOSEN THE LOAD ON MOM. THE THREE WOULD PICK ON EACH OTHER AND BECOME ISOLATED BECAUSE OF ABUSE. BREAKING WINDOWS – RUNNING – SHOOTING STUFF. DAD AND MOM FIGHT OVER ALCOHOL. STARTED WONDERING WHY SHE DRANK. WANTED TO BE LIKE MOM SO WOULD DRINK THE BEER AND REFILL WITH CREAM SODA. WANTED TO BE LIKE DAD SO WOULD STEAL CIGARETTES. SISTERS WERE SMOKING CIGARETTES AND MARIJUANA. THEN HE WAS STONED AND DIDN’T KNOW WHAT IT WAS. WOULD GET HIMSELF SICK FROM LIQUOR AND ADD WATER. NOBODY KNEW IT WAS HIM, THEY KNEW THE SISTERS SMOKED MARIJUANA SO THEY BLAMED ALL ON SISTERS. HE STARTED STEALING CRAP SO HE GOT TO GO FISHING. HAD GOOD MONEY FOR BEING YOUNG. STARTED INTO COCAINE AND LOTS OF IT. HAD 30 U.A.S FOR BREAKING CURFEW AND HAD TO GO BACK AGAIN. COURTS JUST WANTED HIS WEALTHY FAMILIES MONEY. IT WAS MOSTLY “TAKE OUR MONEY AND LET US GO.” HE GOT MARRIED AND BARELY KNEW HER CAUSE HE WAS DRUNK. SHE GOT PREGNANT AND THE KID DIED OF SIDS. HE LEFT HER AND WENT ON A BENDER. 4 DUIS -> ASSAULT -> PRISON. “I HAVE A PROBLEM.” PRISON SUCKS. HE ATTENDED NO GROUPS, JUST HAD TIME. HIS DAD MOVED TO IDAHO. HE HAD NOTHING TO DO. HE STOPPED FISHING AND BEGAN USING METH. DOESN’T REMEMBER HOW HE GOT BACK INTO METH, MUST HAVE BEEN SOME FRIEND. COUPLE YEARS INTO IDAHO AND HAD TROUBLE WITH PAROLE. WENT INTO A HALFWAY HOUSE AND BAM THERE WAS METH. WAS DRINKING SO P.O. TOOK OUT OF HALFWAY HOUSE. DATED A WOMAN THERE. HAD HOUSE, CARS, GOOD LIFE, THEN TO DOING METH AGAIN. AT 18, HIS LIFE WAS LIKE MONEY, BOAT, COCAINE. IN NEWPORT, OR.

Pricsilla: 6 MONTHS CLEAN OFF METH/COCAINE/VODKA. “BEING DONE WITH WHAT I USED TO DO.” MOVED OUT OF A SHELTER AND DID A MRI BRAIN SCAN TO LOOK FOR PROBLEMS. TEMPS OF 100 MAKE HER IRRITABLE AND MOODY. SHE THINKS IT IS TOO DRY. SHE NEEDS NASAL DROPS. SHE WAS LEFT FOR DEAD IN CALIFORNIA AT 18. USING SKILLS LIKE RATIONAL THINKING AND ABSITENCE.

Blake: 3 MONTHS CLEAN OFF MARIJUANA. HAS NARCOLEPSY. USES FAMILY TO KEEP HIM FROM BLAZING. GRADUATED HEALTHY THINKING GROUP.

Paul: 9 MONTHS CLEAN OFF OPIATES & BENZOS. TRYING TO GET HIS “DUCKS IN A ROW.” HAS A HOME IN WILDER. SPENT 2 YEARS IN ICELAND. STOPPED TAKING PAIN KILLERS HE BECAME IMMUNE TO EFFECTS. -PAIN MEDS APPARENTLY ONLY ARE EFFECTIVE FOR 3 DAYS- SPENT 30 YEARS ON PAIN MEDICATIONS. SCOLIOSIS ON DISCS. SISTER TOOK HIS PILLS AWAY. SO HE WENT TO HOSPITAL. 30, 80MG A DAY. METHADONE WORKED BETTER AND WAS EASIER TO GET OFF OF. FEELING LETHARGIC. STOPPED NARCOTICS, STARTED DIAZEPAN. PERCOCETS WORKED GOOD BUT BUILT A RESISTANCE. HE WILL TAKE AGAIN BUT AT A LOWER DOSE. NO DETOX BUT TOOK 30 DAYS TO FEEL BETTER. HAVE TO GO TO DOCTOR BUT ALL THEY DO IS TAKE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE. DOCTOR DOESN’T KNOW WHERE THE PAIN IS LOCATED. NARCOTICS <- NUEROSENDERS -> CLEAN. TAKING LYRICA FOR NERVE PAIN AND VISTARIL FOR ANXIETY. CHRONIC PAIN CLASSES AND HE IS A SURGICAL CANDIDATE FOR NERVE BACK.. CLEARING NERVES AND FUSING BACK. HERE AT RECOVERY 4 LIFE FOR 9.5 MONTHS, LEGAL CONSEQUENCES AND COURT REQUIRED. DAY BY DAY HE HAS NOT THOUGHT ABOUT DRINKING. HAS ANXIETY AND AVOIDS TRIGGERS, NO TRAUMA.

Matt: 2 MONTHS CLEAN. GOING FISHING AT CJ STRIKES.

Inez: 22 MONTHS SOBER OFF ALCOHOL. SHE NEVER THOUGHT SHE WOULD QUIT DRINKING. HER FRIEND QUIT AS WELL WHOM SHE ALSO NEVER THOUGHT WOULD GET CLEAN. “I AM WORTHY OF HAPPINESS.” PRACTICES A GOOD ATTITUDE WITH GRATITUDE. WAS A LIASON IN THE HOUSE SHE IS THE MANAGER OF. NEEDS TO STOP GETTING MAD. A GIRL WHO LIVES THERE, HER BOYFRIEND CALLED OVER AND OVER. GIRL WAS PISSED OFF NOBODY ANSWERED, 36 RINGS AND 9 CALLS, ENDED UP NOT BEING THE BOYFRIEND BUT A VERY IMPORTANT CALL. “ALCOHOL IS MY DOWNFALL” DOESN’T WANT TO LOSE MANAGEMENT POSITION FOR THE WOMAN’S HOME. SHE HAD SOME SEIZURES AND HAD TO VISIT THE HOSPITAL. “I HAVE TO BE CLEAN OR I WILL GO TO JAIL.” SOBER SINCE 8/16/16, NEVER THOUGHT SHE WOULD BE SOBER FOR 2 YEARS. WISHES SHE HAD A CORVETTE. DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE CAN’T HAVE A GOOD LIFE LIKE ALL HER FRIENDS. LOSING HER HOME. HAS TO ACCEPT FACT THAT LIFE CHANGES AND GOD SUCKS…. LMAO, JOKES ON YOU. GOES TO THE NAMPA PUBLIC LIBRARY.

Donna: EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. SAD -> HAPPY -> HURT -> LONELY -> ISOLATED. WAS A DRUNKEN MESS AND HATED EVERYTHING. TRYING NOT TO OVER-CATASTROPHIZE FEELINGS TO SITUATIONS. LEARNED DISTRESS TOLERANCE. TRYING TO BECOME MORE MINDFUL AND AWARE. LEARNING TO SPEAK OUT AND ASK FOR HELP. WISHES OTHERS TO BE OPEN-MINDED IN DIALETICAL BEHAVIORAL THERAPY GROUP. THINKS OTHERS WILL NOT LIKE THE GROUP AT FIRST OR EVEN UNDERSTAND IT. “ADDICTION DOES NOT DISCRIMATE AGAINST AGE/GENDER.” WORKING ON KEEPINIG HER EMOTIONS IN CHECK SO SHE DOES NOT GET A ONE-WAY TICKET ON THE CRAZY TRAIN.

ALLEYGAINY SIERRA NEVADAS MOTANA. CANCER IN BREAST -> BRAIN. 16TH BIRTHDAY MET DAVE GAINEY WHO RAPED HER AND HER MOM DIED THE SAME TIME. SISTERS MOVED. DAVE GAINEY WAS KATHY’S HUSBAND AND HER DAD’S BEST FRIEND. SHE RAN TO THE NEIGHBORS. GRAD CARMEL HIGH FEB 1986 IN FALLON, NV. SISTER STARTED DOING COCAINE AND MOVED TO SACRAMENTO. DIED IN 2012. HAD FIRST CHILD. SPLIT FROM FATHER AND HE KIDNAPPED THE BABY.SHE GOT HIM BACK, HE WAS UNDERWEIGHT AND HAD LEAD POISONING IN A PART OF HIS KIDNEY, HAD TO GET REMOVED. (ANDREW 1990) BRITTANY AND BROOKE, TWINS DIED OF HEART AND LUNG FAILURE APRIL 28, 1998 AT 3 MONTHS. HUSBAND WAS HEAVY MACHINE OPERATOR IN THE MINES. KYLE 1992. GRADUATED ICC COLLEGE WITH NURSING LICENSE. WAS PREGNANT AGAIN RIGHT AFTER FUNERAL. HAD BROCK AND HER CERVIX TURNED BLACK UTERINE CANCER. IV TO LOSING HAIR. MET A CLUB GUARD BRYAN, BEGAN RUNNING AND GUNNING. HE SMACKED HER SILLY (PHYSICAL ABUSE.) MC AT CLUB HOOKED IT UP (LARRY.) HE HAD A MOTORCYCLE. HE WAS IN A HIT AND RUN. WAS LIFEFLIGHTED TO NA. HAD ALCOHOL IN WATER BOTTLE WHEN SHE VISITED HIM IN HOSPITAL. WHERE SHE WAS TAKEN TO 28 DAY PROGRAM AT NEW START. DRANK DRANK DRANK. DEC. 7TH TRIED TO KILL HERSELF. DRIVING AND BLEW DOUBLE .29 IN JEROME COUNTY. HAD NO BAIL. IS ORDERED TO REMAIN SOBER UNTIL 2019. “LOONY FREAKZOID” WHEN I DRINK.

Lawnie: HAS A FULFILLING LIFE WITH HIS FAMILY. WORKING ON NOT AVOIDING OR ESCAPING SITUATIONS. SOBERED UP BUT DID NOT WANT TO FACE SOBRIETY. HALF SMILE AND OPEN HANDS. WORKING ON RESPECTING THE EARTH AROUND HIM. VALIDATION AND UNDERSTANDING. “I KNOW I AM WORTH SOMETHING.” TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF BY WALKING ½ HOUR A DAY. RECOMMENDS FOR OTHERS IN GROUP TO BE ON TIME AND PARTICIPATE.

Kata: MOLLY AND HEROIN… LOST CLOSE FAMILY MAY 2010. CRYING IN CLASS, IRRITABLE.

Pilot Dude: “I’M DIFFERENT NOW” THOUGHTS… EMOTIONS… FEELINGS….. HERE BECAUSE OF DRINKING AT BAR AND THEN DROVE HOME. “IT HELPS TO GIVE BACK” HE KNOWS SOMEONE WHO STARTED A KID ON HEROIN WHEN HE WAS 8… LIKE, CAN’T GO BACK NOW. BORN IN IDAHO FALLS. LIKED TO BREAK RULES TO GET KICKS. MOM SPLIT DAD. MOM REMARRIED NEXT MONTH. D.A.R.E IN 4TH GRADE DRUG ABUSE RESEARCH STAFF. 8TH GRADE- SMOKED WEED STEMS. STOLE WEED FROM BROTHER. DRANK IN 8TH GRADE. PARTY ON WEEKENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL. COLLEGE HAD 3 DAY WEEKENDS FRI,SAT,SUN TO PARTY. GRADUATED COLLEGE WITH CIVIL ENGINEER DEGREE AND DIDN’TLIKE IT. WAS A STUPID COLLEGE KID AND POINTED TO A RANDOM MAJOR. NOW IN POCATELLO. ADDICTED TO ADDREALL. AMBIAN AND ADDERALL. USED DOCTORS TO GET THIS DRUG. HIS EX WAS AN ALCOHOLIC. EVERY NIGHT HE HAD PILLS. PILOT…. MONDAY-THURSDAY CLEANED HIS SYSTEM. FINISHED AND BECAME FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR. MET GIRLFRIEND WHERE HE DID PILLS AND ALCOHOL WITH HER EVERYDAY. GOT PANCREATITIS. BODY SHUT DOWN AND HE HAD NO WATER FOR 2 DAYS. BOWLING BALL HEAD ON FLOOR GASPING FOR AIR. NAPROXEN. OXYS – TOOK BECAUSE FELT GOOD. AFTER HAVING PANCREATITIS HE FELT SO WRONG LIKE HE HAD DECIEVED HIMSELF. NOW HE WAS ON OPIATES AND GHBS INSTEAD OF ALCOHOL. GOT FREE OXYS FROM THE DOCTOR. BENZOS AS WELL. COULD NO LONGER PAY RENT. OXY WITHDRAWALS FROM STREET OXYS. HE HAD ON HIM 50 G OF OXYS – 6 MONTHS WORTH ABOUT 800$$$ WORTH BUT COULD SELL ON STREET FOR 50,000-100,000$. 50X STRONGER THAN HEROIN. STARTED GETTING SEIZURES. 2 YEARS HE WAS IN PERSONAL TRAINING. SOLD TO PAY SOME RENT. POLICE KNOCKED WHILE HE WAS HITTING FENTANYL AND HE HAD A CLOSE CALL.. GOT NORCOS FROM DOCTORS FOR “BACK PAIN.” HE HAD A MONTH LONG MENTAL TREATMENT IN MISSISSIPPI. AND COPS CALLED ON HIM FOR BEING DRUNK IN PUBLIC, SENT TO PSYCH WARD FOR 5 DAYS. HE THOUGHT HE MAY JUST MOVE TO MEXICO. HIS MOM SAVED HIM AND HE STAYS ALIVE FOR HIS MOTHER.

Aleisha: DRUG OF CHOICE. HEROIN. WORKS LONG HOURS AND IS VERY TIRED.

Dakota: USES SKILLS FROM CLASS, BREATHING EXERCISES.

Nicole: “MENTAL HEALTH COURT IS RUNNING MY LIFE. I PEE IN A CUP EVERY MORNING”

SKILLS: INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS “COMMUNICATING WITH OTHERS” THE LEFT SIDE WINS. YOU DON’T HAVE TO STEAL IN ORDER TO GET METHAMPETAMINES.

MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS BETTER, NOT WORSE. SOMETIMES, WE DON’T DO SO GOOD. LEARN HOW TO EFFECTIVELY MAKE REQUESTS AND EFFECTIVELY KNOW WHEN TO SAY NO. MAINTAIN BALANCE AND RESOLVE CONFLICTS.

SOME MAY TAKE BEING NICE FOR WEAKNESS AND OVERPOWER YOU. SOME ARE MORE EMOTIONAL WHILST OTHERS DON’T GET UPSET.

MYTHS – OBJECTIVE EFFECTIVENESS IF I ASK FOR SOMETHING OR SAY NO, I CAN’T STAND IT IF SOMEONE GETS UPSET WITH ME. I MUST BE REALLY INADEQUATE IF I CAN’T FIX THIS MYSELF. IF I DON’T HAVE WHAT I WANT OR NEED IT DOESN’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE, I DON’T CARE REALLY (APATHY) IF I TRY TO ASK FOR HELP I WILL BE A BURDEN. PEOPLE WITHOUT MONEY WHO ASK FOR FAVORS ARE LEECHES.

“I CAN PROBABLY GO WITHOUT.”

MY NEEDS ARE AS IMPORTANT AS ANYONE ELSES. GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES. SAYING NO IS PUTTING UP A HEALTHY BOUNDARY.

THE PROBLEM IS JUST IN MY HEAD I SHOULDN’T BOTHER OTHERS. CHALLENGE: OTHER PEOPLE ARE CARING – YOU CAN ASK FOR ASSISTANCE.

IF I DON’T HAVE WHAT I NEED IT WON’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE, I DON’T CARE REALLY. CHALLENGE: I CARE SO MUCH THAT I GET WHAT ASSISTANCE I NEED.

OTHERS SHOULDN’T HAVE TO PUT MORE WORK IN ME. I DON’T NEED SUPPORT AND YOU SHOULDN’T EXPECT IT. “KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS.” “GIVE RESPECT, GET RESPECT.” TREAT OTHERS HOW I WANT TO BE TREATED. IT’S OK TO BE SKEPTICAL. THE GOVERNMENT CONTROLS EVERYTHING. OTHERS AROUND YOU MAY FEEL BAD FOR YOU OR THEY MAY BE SELF-CENTERED OR AGAINST YOU. MY DECISIONS EFFECT EVERYONE AROUND ME. TRY NOT TO HURT OTHERS.

THE WHEEL – RELATIONSHIP WITH DRUGS USE: Not a habit MISUSE: Taking at a higher dose for high rather than i.e. pain ABUSE: When it is harmful for your health and others ADDICTION: Takes over life, need it all the time DEPENDENCE: Necessary to need it in order to feel normal

INTRODUCTION: Try EXPERIMENTAL: Use more, take note on effects, see how it feels/if you like BENEFICIAL: If you like it is good for a short time. I.E. You are happy.. for a short-term. ABUSIVE: Continued use leads to damage in long-term POINT OF NO RETURN!!! DEPENDENT TOXIC FATAL EMOTIONAL REGULATION PT.1:

UNDERSTAND AND NAME YOUR OWN EMOTIONS!! RELAPSE OK TO FEEL EMOTIONS OF FEELING LIKE A BIRDIE

WHY SHOULD WE DESCRIBE EMOTIONS? “SO I DON’T BLOW UP, UP THE SPINE”

IDENTIFY AND DESCRIBE YOUR EMOTION. REGULAR EMPTINESS KNOW WHAT EMOTIONS DO FOR YOU. HURT YOU

FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE SPEAK MORE LOGICALLY BE MORE PRODUCTIVE GRIEF/SHAME/SPIRAL DOWN TOILET

DECREASE THE FREQUENCY OF UNWANTED EMOTIONS: BEAUTIFUL BLACK EYES. OH POOR ME. GLOOM AND DOOM. GOD DAMNIT. DECREASE EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITY DECREASE VULNERABILITY TO EMOTIONAL MIND. BE ABOVE IT. UNAFFECTIVE. GOD DAMNIT.

RED 4 LOKOS, THE DRUNKEN STEREOTYPE. HAND SANITIZER SMELLS LIKE VODKA. THINKING OF FUTURE MANAGE EMOTIONS WITH ALCOHOL.

DECREASE EMOTIONAL SUFFERING MUSICAL CHAIRS “I THINK THE OCEAN SMELLS GOOD” KEEP WITHIN LEGAL BOUNDS

EMOTIONS MOTIVATE US TO ACTION FIGHT OR FLIGHT HARDWIRED IN BIOLOGY -> GENETIC

DIDN’T KNOW THE SUN WAS IN THEIR WAY “FINE.” WAITING IN LINE - “YOU LOOK MAD, DUDE” WAITING..HUNGRY..ANTICIPATION LADY MOVES BECAUSE THINKS HE WILL STEAL.. “I DON’T WANT YOUR STUFF” “ON A MISSION” REJECTION

AN EMOTION.. I AM TIRED SO I CANNOT MOVE. EMOTIONS ARE RED FLAGS “INTUITION IS WHEN GOD TALKS TO YOU.”

PT.2

-ANGER- AGITATION ANNOYANCE BITTERNESS FRUSTRATION INDIGNATION IRRITATION WRATH

EVENTS THAT TRIGGER ANGER +TREATED UNFAIRLY +GOALS BEING BLOCKED +THINGS SHOULD BE DIFFERENT THAN THEY ARE +NOT HAVING THINGS TURN OUT AS EXPECTED AFTEREFFECTS +DEPERSONALIZATION, DISSOCIATIVE EXPERIENCES, NUMBNESS

-DISGUST- ANTIPATHY? HATE

PROMPTING EVENTS +BEING FORCED TO SWALLOW SOMETHING YOU REALLY DON’T WANT +BEING FORCED TO ENGAGE IN OR WATCH UNWANTED SEXUAL CONTANT

INTERPRETATION +SWALLOWING SOMETHING TOXIC +YOUR MIND IS BEING CONTAMINATED

BIOLOGICAL CHANGES +VOMMITING +FEELING DIRTY

EXPRESSIONS +VOMITING

-ENVY- DOWNHEARTED

INTERPRETATION +HAVE SUCH A BAD LOT

BIOLOGICAL CHANGES +LOSE WHAT THEY HAVE, HAVE BAD LUCK OR BE HURT +FEELING OF PLEASURE WHEN OTHERS EXPERIENCE FAILURE OR LOSE WHAT THEY HAVE +I LOVE WHEN OTHERS GET HURT

ACTIONS +TRYING TO IMPROVE YOUR SITUATION

AFTERAFFECTS +ATTENDING TO WHAT OTHERS HAVE

-FEAR- APPREHENSION DREAD HORROR HYSTERIA? SHOCK

PROMPTING EVENTS +HAVING YOUR WELL-BEING THREATENED

INTERPRETATION +YOU MIGHT BE HARMED

-HAPPINESS- ECSTASY

PROMPTING EVENTS +NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT

BIOLOGICAL CHANGES +FEELING AT PEACE +CAN DENY HAPPINESS

EXPRESSIONS +SILLINESS

AFTERAFFECTS +FEELING JOYFUL IN FUTURE

-SHAME- +SAYING YOU ARE SORRY OVER AND OVER +DISTRACTING +WHY EMOTE WHEN YOU CAN DEMOTE?

-GUILT- +DON’T HAVE TO HOLD ANGER +3-DAY ANGER STRIKE +WALLOW IN IT

EXPRESSIONS +ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS “FORGIVE ME, FATHER.”

AFTEREFFECTS +DO NO HARM

“USING ALCOHOL OR DRUGS WAS A THINKING ERROR IN MY BEHAVIOR.” STOP TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I DO WISE MIND IS EFFECTFUL FOR THINKING/ACTING NO MATTER WHAT THOSE ONES THINK TRY TO REACT IN A POSITIVE WAY BE PATIENT

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? ARROGANT INNOCENT LOADED PAINED -DIRTY -SICK

FEELINGS: CHOKED UP, ILL AT EASE INJURED, PAINED, SUFFERING, ACHING, TORTURED INFLAMED WEAK, WEARY

DEFINITION REMORSEFUL: DEEP AND PAINFUL REGRET FOR A WRONGDOING. PEACEFUL, POWERFUL, JOYFUL – SUBSETS OF FEELING WHEEL I CROSSED OUT AND SAYS I AM NEVER TO FEEL AGAIN. THINGS I CANT FEEL. “YOUR EMOTIONS WERE NOT YOUR CHOICE – A BIOLOGICAL FUNCTION DICTATING THEM”

PT.3 BUILD MASTERY AND COPE AHEAD

DOESN’T MATTER AS LONG AS YOU WORSHIP THE Q’ARAN DOUAJ ARABIC FOR WEALTH

STAYING SOBER TODAY IS BEING PRODUCTIVE SMALL FISH IN A BIG POND.. A BIG WHIRL GRIN & BEAR IT, WAIT IT OUT HOW A SUICIDE HAS TO MENTALLY PREPARE FOR YEARS BEFORE COMPLETING.

TAKE CARE OF MIND BY TAKING CARE OF BODY P L 1.TREAT PHYSICAL ILLNESS E 2. BALANCE EATING (FOODS CAN MAKE YOU OVERLY EMOTIONAL. EMPTY FLUFF. FASTING) A 3. AVOID MOOD ALTERING SUBSTANCES (XTC,MOLLY,HEROIN,GHB,COCAINE,LSD,MUSHROOMS) S 4. BALANCE SLEEP (HOUR A NIGHT – BUDDHIST MONKS) E 5. GET EXERCISE

OBSERVE YOUR EMOTIONS “WALLOW IN THE DEB-WAVE” WHY CAN’T I FIGHT THIS? PAIN 20-30 MINUTE EPISODES AUG 16, 2008… GIRLS MOM WENT MISING ANGER – CONSUMING

LOVE YOUR EMOTIONS “THIS TOO SHALL PASS”

WHAT EMOTION DOES THE LORD FEEL? SUPREME.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR EMOTIONS -EAT YOUR EMOTIONS

MANAGING EXTREME EMOTIONS BOUGHT A HOUSE AND ALL HE WANTED WAS A BEAUTIFUL LAWN HE HAD A DANDELION PROBLEM SO HE BOUGHT A GARDENING BOOK AND WROTE THE AGRICULTURAL UNIT

HER HUSBAND LEFT HER. MAYBE HE LEFT BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC.

COOK WITH GARLIC AND ONIONS.

FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS IN RECOVERY 1. DO YOU NOTICE THAT YOU EXPERIENCE SOME FEELINGS MORE THAN OTHERS - ANGER, RECKLESS ABANDONMENT OTHERS: MOODY, QUESTIONING, ANXIOUS OTHERS: ANGER, IMPATIENT, CANT RELATE, TENSE, WRATHFUL, FURIOUS, EMPTY

2. WHAT ARE THE FEELINGS OR EMOTIONS YOU TRY TO AVOID? -SHAME, PAIN (CHAMPAGNE) OTHERS: BEING ISOLATED, BEING INSECURE, UNWANTED

3. HOW DO YOU EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS? -TALK TO MYSELF, TALK TO OTHERS ON CHATROOMS, SOMETIMES I CRY, I WRITE MUSIC/SHORT STORIES OTHERS: USED TO KEEP TO SELF, NOW TALKS MORE OTHERS: BOTTLE UP

4. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF ONLY EXPRESSING NEGATIVE FEELINGS -MY POSITIVE FEELINGS ARE ACCOUNTED FOR OTHERS: YES, USUALLYEXPRESSES NEGATIVE FEELINGS – HARSH TO DAUGHTER OTHERS: YES, MORE FREQUENT AND OVERPOWER POSITIVE

5. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF ONLY EXPRESING POSITIVE FEELINGS? -MY NEGATIVE FEELINGS RECEIVE TIME OTHERS: IT’S WORK TO EXPRESS NEW SORTS OF THINKING OTHERS: NO

6. WHICH FEELING OR EMOTIONS WILL MAKE YOU MOST LIKELY TO RELAPSE IN FUTURE -HAPPINESS THAT IS ONLY POSSIBLE DUE TO DRUG INDUCEMENT OTHERS: INSECURITY, FEELING UNWANTED OTHERS: ANGER, ISOLATE, EMPTY, STUBBORN

7. POSITIVE WAY TO DEAL WITH FEELINGS - COUNSELORS, ETC = OTHERS: SELF-TALK, DON’T KEEP FEELINGS BOTTLED, SOMETIMES I CATASTROPHIZE OTHERS: DON’T JUDGE OR ASSUME. LISTEN AND CAN’T JUMP.

8. WHO CAN YOU TALK TO IF YOU ARE OVERWHELMED? - FRIENDS ON CHAT ROOM, MYSELF OTHERS: COUNSELOR, RELAPSE COUCH, SELF-TALK OTHERS: SISTERS, MOM, BOYFRIEND, DAUGHTERS

INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS GETTING WHAT YOU WANT

DESCRIBE COP ARREST EXPRESS FEAR FOR LIFE ASSERT “USE YOURS” REINFORCE ..I CAN’T PAY THIS.. (STAY) MINDFUL I DESERVED THIS APPEAR CONFIDENT I CAN GET THROUGH THIS NEGOTIATE WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG – YOU WILL PAY

CAN’T CONTROL HOW WE’VE BEEN DRAGGED THROUGH SHIT ORANGES TO APPLES – CANT COMPARE SITUATIONALLY SOMETIMES YOU DON’T OWE AN EXPLANATION BE ASSERTIVE. “HEY I OWE YOU 100$, BUT I ONLY GOT 20$.” “WELL IT’S A TOSS (LOSE-LOSE) BECAUSE I NEED THE 100$ NOW. INCREMENTAL PAYMENTS WON’T CUT IT.”

APPLYING DEAR MAN SKILLS TO CURRENT INTERACTION A GOOD RX, A CONVICT,” WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN TOMORROW IF I USE NOW?” HAVE TO USE MORE TO GET THE SAME EFFECT. ODEN WORLD. TREE. 9 DAYS. 9 NOBLE VERSES. HUNGRY ANGRY LONELY TIRED CAN ONLY BE STOPPED BY INTERVENTION EMBARASSED -> MAD -> STUPID ADDICTION IN KRONIC IT CANNOT BE CHANGED NOT USE BECAUSE PARENTS HAVE NONE. NONE AT P.O.’S OFFICE. CRAVINGS AROUND MOTHER – SOBER 4 HIS MOTHER “WHEN A CRAVING HITS, EVERYTHING ELSE IS OUT DOOR.” ALL SYSTEMS GO LOSS OF PURPOSE ASKS FOR A SIGN FROM GOD WANTS TO BE A BETTER PERSON USING MORE THAN NECESSARY TOOK A SPOON TO SHOW AND TELL (DAUGHTERS) ON ACCIDENT 12 STEPS – WHITE BISON, CELEBRATE RECOVERY… ALLUMBAUGH (HELPFUL BEHAVIORS, CODEPENDENCE)… SMART RECOVERY *PURE WELLNESS* RED HOUSE. BIOLOGICAL LIFE DETERRATION. CAN’T GET OFF THE ROLLER COASTER – IS CONTROLLING ME!! ADDICTION PRIMARY DISEASE – LOST POWER OF CONTROL DO NOT SCHEDULE IF YOU ARE USING BECAUSE SCHEDULING IS STRUCTURE LEARN ORGANIZATION BRING SCHEDULE BOOK TO SOCIAL WORKER A.A. -> N.A. -> C.A (COCAINE ANONYMOUS) -> 7’O CLOCK -RED HOUSE- *WAR STORIES*

DISTRESS TOLERANCE

ACTIVITIES! CONTRIBUTING! COMPARISONS! PUSHING AWAY! THOUGHTS! SENSATIONS! CONSIDER LAST YEAR MAYBE YOU WERE IN JAIL. NOW AT LEAST YOU ARE NOT IN JAIL. PUERTO RICO HURRICANE COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS LESS FORTUNATE “BOO-HOO” EDUCATE YOURELF, LISTEN TO “THE BLUES” LISTEN TO EMOTIONAL MUSIC THAT CREATES DIFFERENT EMOTIONS LEAVE THE SITUATION MENTALLY BUILD AN IMAGINARY WALL WITH IMAGINARY SOLDIERS PUT THE PAIN IN A BOX ON A SHELF YELL: NO! A PILL BOTTLE WITHOUT A LABEL? LET IT BE. COUNT CARDS “AS AN IMPATIENT, I WOULD COUNT THE TILES ON THE CEILING” SELF-SOOTHING: VISION, HEARING, SMELL, TASTE, TOUCH IMPROVING THE MOMENT: IMAGERY, MEANING, PRAYER, RELAXING, ONE THING AT A TIME, VACATION, ENCOURAGEMENT

DISTRESS TOLERANCE PT.2

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE “ACCEPTING THE WAY YOU LIVE IN THE MOMENT.” ACCEPTING THE SITUATION WITHOUT BEING BITTER DO NOT THROW A TANTRUM WITHOUT RESPONDING WITH WILLFULNESS INEFFECTIVITY “WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE OTHER PEOPLE WHO DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT” CONSTANT PAIN LEARNING EXPERIENCES – LEARNING TO LIVE THROUGH PAINFUL TIMES SOME PEOPLE HATE MENTAL HEALTH DIAGNOSIS AND DIDN’T ASK NOR DESERVE IT COPE, REDUCE, FIND BALANCE ACCEPT REALITY!! THE RULES OF THE UNIVERSE! ………..IF YOU DO NOT ACCEPT REALITY…… YOU WILL GO BACK INTO HELL………. *INSERT PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE’S FACE HERE WITH A MENACING TONE MEANT TO INDUCE TORTURE TO INNNOCENT SOULS* “WE’RE ALL SHEEP AND THE LORD IS OUR SHEPHARD” “ADDICTION IS DRIVING YOUR BEHAVIOR!” CAN BE MUCH WIDER THAN NARROWED EXAMPLES GENE FOR ADDICTION --DENY COMPLIANCE- CONTINUE USE TO GET MY LIFE BACK.-- OR DISCONTINUE USE FOREVER, BE THE SHEEP INSTEAD OF THE HERDER! --BELIEVE THIS IS REAL AND THAT THEY HAVE CONTROL OVER MAN-KIND SUPPOSEDLY DOCUMENTARIES ON POLICE CONTROL, SHEEPLE, PROHIBITION, WAR STORIES, POLICE INTERFERENCE, COPS, RENO 911. GHANDI/CONFUSCIOUS/BUDDHA – GOOD POLICE/MILITARY – BLECK

DISTRESS TOLERANCE PT.3 TURNING BAD STUFF INTO GOOD ENERGY - SUBLIMATION ALTERNATE REBELLION WHEN ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS ARE A WAY TO REBEL AGAINST AUTHORITY, TRY ALTERNATE REBELLION WHICH IS A WAY TO DO SOMETHING INSANE BUT WITHIN LEGAL BOUNDS - SHAVE YOUR HEAD …..GIRLS ALL CAME IN FORMAL ATTIRE, FOO FOO GIRLS URGE TO DROP ACID… REGULARE FOLK – GO DO IT! CONTROLLED FOLK – HYSTERIA, OMG, I CAN’T EVEN. HUH.

ADAPTIVE DENIAL REFRAME YOUR CRAVINGS. COOKIES – WHEN I WANT A COOKIE, THINK THAT YOU WANT AN APPLE INSTEAD WHEN I FEEL URGE TO SMOKE A TOBACCO, LIFT WEIGHTS INSTEAD ANOTHER INTERESTING EXAMPLE OF SUICIDIAL PEOPLE: WHEN I FEEL LIKE DYING, SLIT WRISTS INSTEAD GET URGES TO DRIVE BUT SAY, YOU CANNOT BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ADDICT

*POP SELF WITH RUBBER BAND* *SQUISH BALL* *GONNA DEFEND MYSELF…. BASEBALL BAT…. BOTTLE TO CRACK… BREAK THINGS* SELF-CONTROL… SLEEP-DEPRIVATION…… CRY “GO FOR A WALK AT 6 AM AND THAT IS COOL” – A PUN.. “I LIKE SUN ON MY BONES”

BURNING BRIDGES SLAM THE GARAGE DOOR OF ABSTINENCE SHUT LIST EVERYTHING THAT MAKES ADDICTION POSSIBLE AND GET RID OF IT… -GET RID OF MY WHOLE SELF- “I AM A BONG” LIST AND DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN THAT WILL MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO NOT USE -STAYING ALIVE- WAS HOLDING ONTO FRIEND’S MONEY…. “I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HER”.. CODEPENDENCY TELL EVERYONE YOU HAVE QUIT!! BUILDING NEW BRIDGES SMELLS TO THINK ABOUT – MY COLOGNE I LIKE NOTHING “RECOVERY HAS SHOWN ME THAT I CAN BREAK THE PATTERN” – URGE TO DRINK BREATHING PHILANTHROPY! EMOTIONAL REGULATION DISTRESS BUTTON WHAT WILL I TAKE AWAY FROM IT “I COULDN’T CHANGE INTO THE SPIRAL” “DO YOUR BEST TO STAY OPEN-MINDED” “I CAN STAY SOBER” FIND THE MAGIC MOMENT – “BACK TO THE TRACKS I GO”

EMOTIONS – POWER – ANGER – “WHY ME?” ->->-> DISTRESS “STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE UNCONTROLLABLE OR WE COULD SPEND ALL DAY TRYING TO CHANGE THE CONTROLLABLE” TRYING TO CHANGE A BEHAVIOR LAWS APPLICABLE TO THE DEAD DON’T PERTAIN TO ME

WILLINGNESS WILLINGNESS IS ACTING WITH AWARENESS THAT YOU ARE PART OF THE UNIVERSE DOING JUST WHAT IS NEED – GETTING HERE AND SHOWING UP TO GROUP WILLINGNESS VS WILLFULNESS WILLFULLNESS IS WRECKLESS DEFIANCE FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOU HAVE A DRUG DEALER THAT YOU SHOULD DELETE, BUT YOU DON’T WILFULLNESS IS “I WILL NOT TAKE MY MENTAL HEALTH MEDICATION” IT IS NOT CARING ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES AND IT IS NOT RATIONAL WILLINGNESS IS: “I AM WILLING TO OBEY THE LAW!!” WILLFUL: MY KIDS CAN NOT BE INDEPENDENT THOSE PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT “I WENT TO A MEETING AND SOME BORING OLD HAG WAS TELLING HER LIFE STORY. I LEFT BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR A LIFE STORY…. I WANTED TO HAVE A GROUP DISCUSSION!!” SITUATIONS WHERE I NOTICE MY OWN WILLFULNESS: FEEL IT WON’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE --NOT DOING MY CHORES-- SITUATIONS WHERE I NOTICE MY OWN WILLINGNESS: GO ANYWAY AND TRY TO…. SEE A ‘CHANGE’?? ‘FOR BETTER OR WORSE??’ REFUSE TO TOLERATE WILLFULLNESS

“SOME PEOPLE WITH SET TESTING WILL DRINK AROUND THE TESTS. I WAS AT THE STORE AND REALLY WANTED TO GRAB A CASE TO GET DRUNK WITH MY GIRL”

MINDFULNESS OF CURRENT THOUGHTS: I AM FEELING STRESS, ANXIETY DON’T ACT ON THOUGHTS =) ANXIETY ATTACKS – MEDICATION – SHOWER – COFFEE ADOPT A CURIOUS MIND CRACK DREAMS – DREAMS OF SMOKING CRACK “YES, I AM AN ADDICT, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I NEED TO GO USE TODAY” “LIKE, OH, I MIGHT GO MURDER SOMEONE..” GETTING HIGH TO EAT COOKIES MIND LIKE A TEFLON PAN, SHIT GETS ON THE PAN BUT WILL EASILY GET OFF TREES HAVE STRONG HEAVY ROOT SYSTEMS THERE IS WEED KILLER DON’T WASTE DAY ON SHITTY SHIT

CATASTROPHIC THINKING IS “EMOTION MIND”

-CONTROL- -ROBOTISIZE- -HEAP PEOPLE INTO ORGANIZATION- -DON’T LET THEM OUT OF THE BOX YOU HAVE CREATED THEM- -BLACK/WHITE ROBOTIC, ALL OF THE SAME- -SAME ACTIONS, SAME SPEECH, SAME THOUGHTS- -IN UNIFORM IN LINES FOLLOWING A LEADER- -IDENTICAL- -NO SPONTANEITY OF ACTION OR EMOTION- -MAKE SURE THEIR DOPAMINE, GLYCERIDES AND TRIGLYERIDES ARE ALL EXACTLY THE SAME, IN ORDER- MONO UNIVERZ: A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE. MISSION CONTROL UNDERSTANDING THE BRAIN’S CENTRAL CONTROL SYSTEM IF YOU CANNOT HAVE HAPPINESS CONTROLLED, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE SAD, BUT IF YOU ALREADY HATE YOURSELF THEN USING DRUGS COULDN’T BE TOO BAD BECAUSE YOU WERE ALREADY A SAD SACK OF EMPTY FLESH. LIFE SUCKS, THEN YOU DIE. LIMBIC: EMOTION, MEMORY, MOTIVATION, AND OTHER FUNCTIONS CRITICAL TO SURVIVAL. INCLUDES HIPPOCAMPUS, (MEMORY), AMYGDALA (FEAR/EMOTIONS), VENTRAL STRATIUM (REWARD), HYPOTHALAMUS (APPETITE, THIRST, BODY TEMPERATURE), AND PARTS OF THE CORTEX! CEREBRAL CORTEX: AWARENESS, ATTENTION TO SURROUNDINGS, ABILITY TO THINK, SOLVE PROBLEMS, PLAN AND MAKE DECISIONS! CEREBELLUM: CONTROL, COORDINATION, MUSCLES AND BALANCE, POSTURE! BRAIN STEM: BASIC FUNCTIONS, BREATHING, SLEEPING, HEART RATE! THE LIMBIC SYSTEM , THE PLEASURE CENTER THAT BRINGS YOU JOY FROM DRUGS

ABUSING SEDATIVES AND PAINKILLERS CAN SLOW BREATING PARTS OF BRAIN AFFECTED OVER TIME WITH DRUG USE: AMYGDALA, CEREBELLUM STEROIDS AND METH CAN LEAD TO AGGRESSION MARIJUANA AND ALCOHOL CAN AFFECT MOVEMENT AND COORDINATION COMBINING SEDATIVES WITH ALCOHOL CAN SLOW HEART RATE MARIJUANA IMPAIRS THE ABILITY TO THINK CLEARLY! CEREBRAL CORTEX DOESN’T FULLY DEVELOP UNTIL A PERSON IS ABOUT 25. WHY IS IT IMPORTANT FOR TEEN TO KNOW TO AVOID DRUGS? BECAUSE THEY WISH TO USE THEIR BRAINS FOR THEIR FUTURE LIVES CHICKS WILL DIG THEM. THEY WILL MAKE BABIES AND MONEY. AHH, WITHOUT BRAIN USE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A CHICK AND THAT WILL MEAN NO BABY AND NO MONEYS =( PLUS, EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT BABIES OR ANY CHICKS, YOU WILL STILL NEED YOUR BRAIN TO MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS AND CONTROL YOUR LEVEL OF HAPPINESS (E.G. PROZAC)

DRUG KILL NUERONS BUT YOU CAN GROW BACK BRAIN CELLS OVER TIME WITH SOBRIETY.

THE MIND IS AN OVERGROWN JUNGLE STFU AND DEAL GANGLI CHALLENGE THE NEGATIVITY TOUGHIE B/C HE DIDN’T WANT TO ACCEPT FORGE NEW PATHS --YOU CANNOT DO DRUGS AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME, YOU MUST STAY IN HIDING-- “WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT?” ONE BEER WON’T HURT YOU! BUT PAUSED BEFORE TWO. DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO SO SHE WENT TO A.A. --WHAT IS A WORD FOR NONCOMPLIANCE TO A POLICE – A SEPARATE CHARGE?? “RESISTING ARREST.”-- WOMAN IN JAIL’S HEROIN CHARGE… DROPPED FROM DISTUBUTING LOADS OF HEROIN TO CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT. ALIEN IMMIGRANTS

TRIGGERS DENIAL, BOREDOM, LONELINESS RELAPSE JUSTIFICATION -> “I’LL JUST TAKE ONE”, A MINIMIZING STATEMENT SWAP SUBSTANCES AIDS IN RELAPSE “IF YOU BEEN IN TROUBLE 2X THEN YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE IN TROUBLE A THIRD TIME” ROADBLOCKS TO RECOVERY: I DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT RECOVERY I DON’T THINK STAFF CAN HELP I DON’T TRUST THE STAFF “THE WORLD AROUND US IS CHANGING” HAVE AN EXIT PLAN: WOULD ALWAYS DRIVE AFTER DRINKING, SO STARTED CALLING SISTER CALL SOMEONE TO HELP

IT GETS WORSE AND WORSE THE MORE YOU RELAPSE YOU HAVE COME SO FAR AND DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO START ALL OVER FEMALE HOMES: THE RISING SUN, WHITE SUN ACTIVE RECOVERY AIDS IN REDISCOVERING OURSELVES HE WOULD PUT ALL HIS DRUGS DOWN THE TOILET WHEN HE WAS RAIDED DO NOT CHOOSE TO THINK OF DRUGS/ALCOHOL TRIGGERS…. THOUGHT LEADS TO USE. PAUSE AND STOP THOUGHTS RELAXATION…CRAVINGS..CRAMPING….BREATHING

EMOTIONAL MIND AND RATIONAL MIND ARE AT A “CONSTANT TUG-A-WAR” WORKING ON ACCEPTANCE AND CHANGE “IT IS IN THE DRUG DEALER’S BEST INTEREST THAT YOU USE.” WHAT IS VALIDATION? UNDERSTANDING HOW SOMEONE FEELS USING NO BLAME GAMES. VALIDATING SOMEONE CAN MAKE THEM FEEL WORTHY SOME STEADY NERVES WITH ALCOHOL – “LIKE A SURGEON” DBT IS FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO THINK DIFFERENTLY DBT SKILLS LIST MINDFULLNESS: OBSERVE, DESCRIBE, PARTICIPATE, NON-JUDGEMENTAL STANCE, ONE-MINDFULLY, EFFECTIVELY DISTRESS TOLERANCE, CRISIS SURVIVAL: WISE MIND ACCEPTS, SELF-SOOTHE, IMPROVE THE MOMENT, HALF-SMILE, CREATIVE OUTLET ACCEPTING REALITY SKILLS: PROS/CONS, RADICAL ACCEPTANCE, TURN THE MIND, WILLINGNESS PLEASE, BUILD MASTERY, JUST ACT, GIVE MYSELF CREDIT, BUILD POSITIVE EXPERIENCES, OPPOSITE TO EMOTION, FEEL YOUR FEELINGS INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS SKILLS: ATTEND TO RELATIONSHIPS, GIVE, DEAR MAN, FAST --THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS CHIRST-- STOPPED AND LISTENED AND DIDN’T THINK ON WHAT NEEDED TO SAY NEXT DON’T TAKE THINGS NEGATIVELY AND DON’T REACT ON THINGS

700,000 YEARS OF WILLFUL LAWLESSNESS --BLANK RESUME—WALKING, TALKING, COMMUNICATING ARE SOFT SKILLS… BEING PERSONAL, BEING POLITE, SMILING WISE MIND BRINGS LEFT BRAIN AND RIGHT BRAIN TOGETHER – THE MIDDLE PATH REASONABLE MIND IS COOL AND RATIONAL, TASK FOCUSED EMOTION MIND IS HOT, MOOD-DEPENDENT AND EMOTION-FOCUSED ANGER IS A SECONDARY EMOTION TO BEING HURT PAINFUL EMOTIONS CAN CAUSE YOU TO JUMP THE GUN AND JUMP INTO DRUGS USE FOR BAD FEELINGS LINEHAN AND LACKING AN EMOTIONAL SKIN LIKENING IT TO A BURN VICTIM WHO FEELS PAIN AT THE SLIGHTEST TOUCH OVER TIME OF BEING CRITISIZED ON THEIR EMOTIONS THEY SHOULD BEGAN TOFEEL THEY SHOULD HAVE DIFFERENT EMOTIONS AND THEIR EMOTIONS ARE NOT VALID, THEY HAVE TO CHANGE WHO THEY ARE OR THEY ARE JUST OVER-REACTING THEY WILL REJECT OR PUNISH THEMSELVES

ROADBLOCKS TO RECOVERY IN ORDER TO GET OVER A ROADBLOCK YOU HAVE TO WORK ON IT ATTITUDES -I’M ONLY IN TREATMENT BECAUSE OF OTHERS AND I DON’T WANT IT FOR MYSELF --WHO WOULD WANT TO CHANGE ME??-- -I DON’T LIKE TAKING MEDICATIONS PERSONALITY -I DON’T WANT OTHERS TELLING ME WHAT TO DO PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS -I DON’T FEEL CLOSE TO ANYONE -I DON’T LIKE TO LISTEN TO AUTHORITY FIGURES LIFESTYLE -MY LIFESTYLE CENTERS AROUND GETTING OR USING CHEMICALS -MY LIFE IS A DRAG AND I DON’T HAVE MUCH TO DO THAT IS REWARDING OR FUN OTHER -FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES -FEEL I’M IN A BAD SITUATION AND WILL ONLY PUT ME IN A MORE PESSIMISTIC FRAME OF MIND

WAYS TO OVERCOME ROADBLOCKS #1: I’M ONLY IN TREATMENT BECAUSE OF OTHERS AND I DON’T WANT IT FOR MYSELF IN ORDER TO OVERCOME THIS ROADBLOCK: HIDE MYSELF FROM OTHERS. DON’T MAKE A NUISANCE, LEAVE HOME AND REMAIN AN ANONYMOUS INVISIBLE BEING.. CHANGE MY NAME AND DISOWN MY GUARDIANS.. “DO NOTHING, SAY NOTHING, BE NOTHING.” MAYBE THEY CAN FIND OTHER WAYS TO ENTERTAIN THEMSELVES OTHER THAN ME AND MY DEAL AND FORGET ME AS I HAVE FORGOTTEN MYSELF. #2: I DON’T WANT OTHERS TELLING ME WHAT TO DO. IN ORDER TO OVERCOME THIS ROADBLOCK: MY FREEDOMS ARE STRIPPED. I CANNOT LEAVE HOME. MY GOALS/PLANS HAVE BEEN POSTPONED. I AM NOT A FOLLOWER. I STILL DO NOT KNOW WHY I AM DOING THESE PROGRAMS. WHICH IS WHY I CONTINUOUSLY ASK WHO/WHAT I AM DOING TREATMENT FOR. WHEN I DO NOT STUDY I DO NOT FEEL LIKE MYSELF. WHICH IS WHY I SAY I DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. IT APPEARS I FEEL OVERCONTROLLED, LIKE A RAT IN A CAGE WITH NO FREEDOMS. I MAY NOT BE HUMAN ANYMORE MORE LIKE A BREATHING ZOMBIE. THROUGH TREATMENT I HAVE FELT IT GREATLY INTERFERES WITH MY STUDYING AND HOBBIES. I DO NOT HAVE FAITH IN THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR SYSTEMS/WAY OF LIFE. I WANT NO PLACE IN THEIR TOWN.

ADDICTION/RECOVERING YOUR HONESTY. LIES: I LIED TO ATTORNEY/P.O. EXAMPLE: I TOLD THEM I WASN’T DRIVING WHEN THEY ARRESTED ME. I WAS ARRESTED WHEN I WAS PULLED OVER/PARKED AND NOT DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE. I TOLD THEM I DIDN’T START DRINKING UNTIL WELL AFTER I WAS PARKED, BECAUSE MY CAR RAN OUT OF GAS. I HAD THE BEER, OPENED IT WAS WAITING ON MY RIDE BUT IT WAS A COLD NIGHT AND NEEDED A DRINK TO WARM ME UP AMIDST THE WAIT. SHE SAID IT DIDN’T MATTER IF I WASN’T DRIVING, IF I HAD THE KEY IN THE IGNITION AND WAS IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT, THEY CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WEREN’T PREVIOUSLY DRIVING OR ABOUT TO DRIVE. WELL, TRUTHFULLY, I WAS NOT ABOUT TO DRIVE BECAUSE I WAS ALL OUT OF GASOLINE AND MY CAR WOULDN’T EVEN START, LET ALONE DRIVE. TRUTHFULLY, I HAD THE KEY IN THE IGNITION TO KEEP THE LIGHTS ON BECAUSE IT WAS DARK AND TO HAVE MY HAZARD SIGNALS ON BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY WOULDN’T BLINK WITHOUT KEY IN IGNITION. BUT I LIED SAYING I WASN’T DRIVING AFTER DRINKING BECAUSE I HADN’T STARTED UNTIL AFTER I PARKED. TRUTHFULLY, I HAD BEEN DRIVING AFTER DRINKING, BUT I HAD NOT DRANK IN TWO HOURS AND HAD ONLY DRUNK ROUGHLY 2 BEERS. I THOUGHT I COULD FIGHT AGAINST MY CHARGES WITH THE EVIDENCE THAT THE POLICE NEVER ACTUALLY SAW ME DRIVING AND THEY HAD NO WAY TO TELL WHEN I HAD DRANK. I DIDN’T FIGHT IT BECAUSE I WAS YOUNG AND SCARED AND FIGURED NO ONE WOULD BE ON MY SIDE IF THEY SAW ME, BEING A LESBIAN AND ALL. I KNEW MOST OF THE JURY WOULD PROBABLY BE DESCRIMANATORY, JUDGEMENTAL FOLK SO I DID NOT ATTEMPT TO FIGHT MY FIRST DUI CHARGE. I HAD NO IDEA I WOULD BE TAKEN AWAY A SECOND TIME. OBVIOUSLY THE POLICE DIDN’T CARE. I WAS GRABBED AND SHOVED IN THEIR CAR. IT DID NOT LOWER MY FINES OR LESSEN MY CONSEQUENCES TO TELL THE ATTORNEY AND MY P.O. I WASN’T DRINKING BEFORE I WAS PARKED. THEN AGAIN, I DID NOT KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES WOULD BE SO DREADFUL OR I WOULD HAVE PROBABLY WENT TO TRIAL TO FIGHT THE CHARGE, OTHERWISE JUST TOO NAÏVE AND YOUNG TO GO TO TRIAL, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GO TO JAIL SO I HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. NOW I JUST PAY AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.

*SOME WILL LIE TO MAKE YOUR DRUG USE NOT SEEM AS BAD AS IT IS. SOME LIE TO LOVED ONE OR SPOUSES SAYING THEY ARE NOT ‘USING.’

OTHER LIES I HAVE LIED TO MY SCHOOL. I HAVE TOLD THEM I WAS SICK ALTHOUGH I WAS JUST TRUANT.. BUT I DIDN’T CARE IF I GRADUATED. I HAVE LIED TO MY FAMILY… I HAVE TOLD THEM THAT I LOVE THEM

EXAMPLES OF MY SNEAKY, DISHONEST BEHAVIOR I WOULD USE MARIJUANA FREQUENTLY. I WOULD SPEND MONEY MY MOM WOULD GIVE ME ON WEED, WHICH I ACTUALLY FOUND OUT IS A TYPE OF FINANCIAL ABUSE. I HAD DONE THIS SINCE HIGH SCHOOL WHEN SHE WOULD GIVE ME LUNCH MONEY AND INSTEAD OF BUYING LUNCH, I WOULD BUY WEED. I WAS IN DESPERATION BECAUSE I COULD NOT FIND A JOB AND MARIJUANA WAS THE ONLY THING THAT MADE ME LESS DOWN IN THE DUMPS, SO I HAD A NICE ROUTINE OF BORROWING MONEY AND LIGHTING UP SO I COULD FEEL LESS LIKE TRASH. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND AT THE TIME THAT SHE WAS NEVER VERY WELL OFF AND DID NOT HAVE EXTRA MONEY TO BE USING ON MY DRUG USE. I JUST REMEMBER BEING A GIRL AND THINKING SHE WAS SO RICH AND SMART THAT SHE HAD PLENTY AND ME ASKING FOR SOME EVERY SO OFTEN REALLY WOULDN’T HURT HER FINANCES. I WOULD SAY “WELL I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND A JOB CONSTANTLY, BUT NO ONE WILL HIRE ME. I AM GETTING LUNCH. HOW COULD ANYONE IN THE WORLD LIVE OFF 10$ A DAY? SO I’D RECEIVE MORE MOSTLY IN 5$ INCREMENTS UNTIL I’D HAVE ENOUGH FOR A 10$ SACK AND A HALF TANK OF GAS. THE TEN SACK WAS ABOUT A GRAM AND WOULD LAST ME 2-3 DAYS. I WAS UNEMPLOYED FOR 4 YEARS. DISABILITY I HAD APPLIED TO 2X, LAST IN APRIL OF 2017, THEY WOULD NOT ACCEPT ME. IT WAS ALWAYS, “YOU’RE NOT DISABLED ENOUGH OR YOU HAVEN’T WORKED ENOUGH TO RECEIVE ANY BENEFITS.” I GUESS, I PUT ON A GOOD ACT WHEN I GO TO THE DISABILITY OFFICE TO APPEAR NOT DISABLED ENOUGH. I NEVER FOUND THAT FAIR BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE RECEIVING DISABILITY AND I GUESS IT WAS TOO MUCH WORK TO GIVE BENEFITS TO JUST ONE MORE. SO I HAVE RECENT GOTTEN WORK AND AM GIVING MONEY BACK YO MY MOM. SHE MUST HAVE LOANED ME A COUPLE THOUSAND FOR DRUG/ALCOHOL/GAS MONEY. I AM TRYING TO GIVE HER ALL OF THAT BACK AND PAY OFF HER CAR. WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN YOU WERE CAUGHT LYING: HAD TO SERVE 2 YEARS PROBATION 15 DAYS IN JAIL PAY FINES OF 7,000$+

IMPACT OF YOUR DISHONESTY: I HAVE HURT THE SHADOW MAN. I HAVE UNDERMINED HIS MANHOOD AND DEMANNED HIM TO MAKE HIM ANGRY WITH ME.

HOW YOU HAVE HURT YOURSELF: BECAUSE OF MY DRINKING AND DRIVING I HAVE BEEN HELD HOSTAGE FOR 1 YEAR AND 7 MONTHS. I USED TO WALK TO LEAVE BUT THEN I ANGERED THE SHADOW MAN AND HE HURT ME SO I CAN NO LONGER LEAVE MY HOME. I WILL MOSTLY ROCK BACK AND FORTH IN THE CORNER.

FEELINGS THAT OCCURRED BECAUSE OF YOUR DISHONESTY: RATHER BY ALONE, WANT TO RUN AWAY…. SO I WOULD ROCK BACK AND FORTH IN THE CORNER AND CRY

POSITIVE EFFECTS FROM TAKING THE RISK TO BE HONEST: I CAN LEAVE THE PLACE I AM HELD HOSTAGE IN, RUN FROM THE SHADOW MAN AND NOT BE PUT IN HARMS WAY EVER AGAIN.

HOW TO BE MORE REAL WITH THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE: I DON’T HAVE ANY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE

DEVELOP A GOAL FOR IMPROVING YOUR ABILITY TO BE HONEST IN RECOVERY. DEVELOP A PLAN TO BE MORE AND MORE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS: STOP DRINKING AND DRIVING DO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY GET OUT OF HARMS WAY

DENIAL AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE MAY CAUSE YOU TO NOT SEE THINGS THE WAYS OTHERS SEE THEM. NOT NOTICE THEY ARE WRECKING HAVOC ON YOUR LIFE. MAY NOT SEE THEIR USE AS A PROBLEM, LIKE OTHERS DO. DENIAL KEEPS THE PROBLEM GOING. DENIAL IS CAUSED BY FEAR. PEOPLE ARE AFRAID IF THEY ASK FOR HELP AND ADMIT THEY HAVE A PROBLEM PEOPLE WILL LABEL THEM AS “WEAK” “CRAZY” OR “A BAD PERSON” ENABLING IS WHEN OTHERS SEE THE USER HAS A PROBLEM BUT DOES NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT TYPES OF DENIAL 1) MINIMIZING – SOMEONE MAKES SOMETHING BIG SEEM SMALL. “IT IS JUST MARIJUANA IT IS THE SAME AS BEING SOBER, BUT ENHANCED.” “AT LEAST I WAS NOT SLAMMING.” OR I.E. “I ONLY SMOKE WEED A FEW TIMES A WEEK.”

2) RATIONALIZING – USES REASONS OR EXCUSES TO USE “IT’S MY WAY.” “WELL, IF IT WERE LEGAL, I WOULD USE.” “USE IS A THING OF LIFE.” “IT HAS HEALTH BENEFITS.” “IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER” “I’M ALREADY LATE SO I WILL CONTINUE USING” TEXTBOOK: “IT IS MY BIRTHDAY, SO IT IS OK TO GET DRUNK.”

3)BLAMING – AVOIDING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR CHOICES BY POINTING FINGER, LIKE OTHERS CAUSE OUR PROBLEMS. “THEY PROVIDED IT AND OFFERED.” “WIFE USED ME TO DO BUSINESS.” “IT’S YOUR FAULT.” “FUCK THE POLICE.” “HEALTHCARE PROVIDED HIM WITH THE MEDICATION…. FOR MANY YEARS” TEXTBOOK: “MY PARENTS WON’T STOP NAGGING ME SO I GET HIGH.”

4)LYING – WEAVE A COMPLEX WEB TO COVER LIES. LIE ABOUT USE. EASY TO LIE. “IF I WAS CONFRONTED ABOUT LYING, I WOULD NOT DENY IT… I CALLED UP A COP ONCE AND ASKED HIM TO TAKE ME IN.” “BECAUE YOU SAW ME WITH IT, I’M NOT GOING TO BS YOU.” WOULD LIE TO WIFE ABOUT USE. TEXTBOOK: WHEN WE ARE AT A USING PARTY, WE SAY, “I WAS JUST AT A FRIENDS HOUSE!”

5)INTELLECTUALIZING OR COMPARING – COMPARE TO OTHERS TO MAKE OUR PROBLEMS SEEM SMALLER. “THEY DO NOT HARASS THE RICH FOLK IN THE MCMANSIONS.” “WELL, WHY CAN’T I USE?” “THEY HAVE NO SOULS ANYWAY AND JUST SPEND ALL THEIR MONEY ON DRUGS. WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD IT MAKE. FOR WHOM ARE WE TRYING TO STOP RANDOM USERS FROM USE?” “SO & SO LIVED IN A TENT, I DID NOT.”

6)DIVERTING – CHANGING THE TOPIC WHEN ASKED ABOUT USE. “WHERE YOU USING LAST NIGHT?” “WHAT DO YOU THINK!!!” LOOK AT HER AND WALK OFF. “HEY IT’S MY LIFE. YOU DON’T MATTER ANYWAY.” “DO I KNOW YOU?” ONE PERSON’S TENT IS ANOTHER’S PALM TREE. TEXTBOOK: “YOU CAN HOME PRETTY LATE LAST NIGHT” “WELL, DID ANYONE CALL FOR ME?”

7)ANGER – EXPLODE WITH ANGER WHEN CONFRONTED “DAMN YOU! YOU MUST BE THE HIGH AND MIGHTY ALL POWERFUL!!” “WHO ARE YOU TO TOUCH MY PROPERTY!!” ANGRY IF I WAS HIDING DRUGS AND SOMEONE WAS SNOOPING. ANGRY WIFE SO HE DISSOCIATED

HOW TO HELP OVERCOME DENIAL. IT IS POSSIBLE! CONFRONT THEM WHEN THEY USE THOSE TYPES OF STRATEGIES. YOU WILL KNOW THEY ARE CURED WHEN!!! OPENLY ACKNOWLEDGES EXISTENCE OF SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEM…. “YEAH, I USE.” ACCEPST RESPONSIBILITH FOR THEIR CHOICES AND BEHAVIORE…. “MY BAD HOMIE.” LESS DEFENSIVE AND MORE OPEN….. “WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN ME?” SEES CONNECTION BETWEEN USE AND LIFE PROBLEMS… “NOW THAT I USE I CANNOT BUY A MANSION” INCREASE IN HONESTY……… “I USE FREQUENT AND PREFER IT TO SOBRIETY.. AFTER TRYING BOTH WAYS.” DEALS WITH PROBLEMS WITH CONTINUED POSITIVE ACTIONS…… “I WON’T USE EVERY DAY.” MY CHOICE..NO BIG DEAL

THE LAST TIME I USED WISHFUL THINKING WAS WHEN: I WISHED I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS WHEN IN REALITY: YOU EITHER HAVE TO WORK FOR MANY YEARS OR BE A VERY SPECIAL PERSON TO RECEIVE A MILLION DOLLARS. THE LAST TIME I ISOLATED WAS WHEN: I LOCK MYSELF AWAY WHEN IN REALITY: YOU WILL NEVER BE ALL ALONE AS YOU WOULD LIKE THE LAST TIME I USED DEFIANCE WAS WHEN: I PUNCHED A HOLE IN THE WALL. “I FIGHT MYSELF, BUT I LOSE.” WHEN IN REALITY: NOW IT LOOKS BAD PROVIDES ME WITH A NEGATIVE MOOD WHEN I REALIZE I CANNOT FIX IT PERFECTLY. I HAVE TO PAYTO FIX IT AND DON’T EVEN KNOW IF ANYONE ELSE COULD FIX IT PERFECTLY. THE LAST TIME I USED MY OWN DEPENDENCY WAS WHEN: SINCE I CAN’T DRIVE, I WALKED 1000 MILES IN 8-10 MONTHS… TO MARKETS TO FEED MYSELF. WHEN IN REALITY: I COULD HAVE JUST DROVE WITHOUT HAVING THIS CHARGE! THE LAST TIME I MINIMIZED WAS WHEN: THIS USE OF A LIL WEED I HAVE LEFT WON’T HURT ME WHEN IN REALITY: WANT MORE WHEN I RUN OUT THE LAST TIME I RATIONALIZED WAS WHEN: “I CAN FIX IT” WHEN IT REALITY: TAKES HARD WORK TO FIX A THING THE LAST TIME I USED BARGAINING: IF YOU DOTHIS JOB WITH ME I WILL BE ABLE TO PAY YOU BACK, PAY OFF YOUR LOAN, YOU WILL NOT BE BEHIND AND IT IS A STEADY INCOME WHEN IN REALITY: IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH MONEYTO GET ANYTHING ACCOMPLISHED.. HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GOING BACK ON UNEMPLOYMENT LINE AGAIN. THE WORST PLACE TO BE.

STINKING THINKING WHAT DOES STINKING THINKING MEAN TO YOU? SUCKS TO HAVE BRAIN LIST NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ON RECOVERY. WASTE OF MY VERY LIMITED TIME ALIVE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I NEED TO ACCOMPLISH THEY GOT ME INTO THIS CRAP AGAIN? WHO AM I DOING THIS FOR? --RECOVERY IS TOO HARD AND NOT WORTH IT-- --GRADUATED BEFORE BUT KEPT USING HAD TO REDO-- HAVE YOU EVER USED LIP SERVICE TO APPEASE YOUR COUNSELOR? …YOU LOOK GOOD TODAY, WHATEVER, BALOONEY. OR “I AM DOING QUITE FINE!!!” HAVE YOU EVER LIED ABOUT YOUR RECOVERY? DON’T BRING UP SPORADIC USE… KEEP SOBER DATE AS NEW YEARS 2017, BUT I HAVE USED SPORADICALLY SINCE. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO FOLLOW ALL THE RULES ALL THE TIME? ..OF WHOM AM I FOLLOWING THIS RULE FOR??.. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF REPEATING SLOGANS ABOUTYOUR RECOVERY IN HOPES OF WINNING APPROVAL? ..”YOU CAN DO IT!” DO YOU BELIEVE ONE DAY YOU CAN BECOME A SOCIAL DRINKER? SOCIALIZING WHO NEEDS IT.. WHAT IS UNREALISTIC BELIEF OR GOAL YOU HAVE? MOVE..ERASE THE LAST YEARS OF MY LIFE.. ERASE MY WHOLE EXISTENCE FROM EVER HAPPENING… ERASE THE COP INTERFERENCES.. ERASE MY MISSED CHANCES GO BACK AND DO IT AGAIN BEFORE EVERYTHING BECOMES SO PAINFUL AND TRAUMATIC. ARE RULES JUST FOR FOOLS? WHOSE RULES? NOTHING MATTERS. WHAT DID RULES HELP ANYONE ACHIEVE? TOTAL CONTROL? A BETTER WORLD? WHO KNOWS. DESCRIBE SOME CORNER CUTTING THAT YOU HAVE DONE RECENTLY. I HAVE FORGOTTEN WHO I AM DESCRIBE HOW YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR RECOVERY. MINIMIZE IT AS A RECOVERY I DO NOT NEED DO YOU FEEL OTHER PEOPLE ARE RUNNING YOUR LIFE? I AM IN THEIR GOVERNMENTALLY STRUCTURED CLASS TODAY. --FOR WHOM BY WHOM?—I HAVE NOT LIVED UP TO MY FULL POTENTIAL IN 2 YEARS. I HAVE NOT BEEN HAPPY OR FOUND MEANING OR SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT IN THESE 2 YEARS. DO YOU MAKE PROMISES WITH NO INTENTION OF CHANGING? NO DO I SOMETIMES FEEL THAT MY COUNSELOR IS A FOOL? DOESN’T MATTER WOULD BE CHAOS WITHOUT RULES LIST FIVE WAYS YOU HAVE ACTED IMMATURE IN THE PAST WEEK. I HAVE CRIED. WHAT DOES “HE’S ALL TALK” MEAN? DOES THIS DESCRIBE YOU? NOTHING TO SHOW FOR – EMPTY WORDS- TALK IS CHEAP DESCRIBE HOW YOU ARE SNEAKY AND MANIPULATIVE. I STOLE MY MOM’S CAR WHEN SHE WAS ON VACATION TO SEE ONE OF MY FAVORITE ROCK BANDS IN CONCERT IN LAS VEGAS. I WAS LEFT HERE IN A PILE OF DIRT. I DIDN’T WANT TO BE HERE SO I TOOK THE CAR AND WENT TO HUNTINGTON AND BOUGHT WEED FROM THE REC SHOP. ADDICTION SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS TOLERANCE: YOU NEED TO USE MORE ALCOHOL AND DRUGS TO FEEL THE DESIRED EFFECT THE SAME AMOUNT OF ALCHOL OR DRUGS DOESN’T DO WHATIT USED TO WITHDRAWL: WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE ALCOHOL OR DRUGS, YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY CRAVING: YOU THINKABOUT DRUGS OR ALCOHOL FREQUENTLY LOSS OF CONTROL: YOU’VE FELT AT TIMES THAT YOU COULDN’T FIT IN OR FEEL GOOD WITHOUT ALCOHOL OR DRUGS YOU HAVE BLACKED OUT (OR HAD PERIODS OF TIME IN WHICH YOU HAVE NO MEMORY) WHEN UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL OR DRUGS YOU HAVE USED ONE OR MORE DRUGS WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS OR HOW IT WOULD AFFECT YOU. LEGAL PROBLEMS: YOU HAVE BEEN ARRESTED OR HAD OTHER LEGAL PROBLEMS AS A RESULT OF DRINKING OR USING PROBLEMS IN SOCIAL OR OCCPATIONAL FUNCTIONS: YOU HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO FULFILL IMPORTANT ROLE OBLIGATIONS SUCH AS HOUSEHOLD CHORES, FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES, OR CARING FOR CHILDREN OR OTHER LOVED ONES, AS A RESULT OF DRINKING OR USING IMPAIRMENT OR DISTRESS RESULTING FROM USE: YOU HAVE NOT TAKEN GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF FOR EXAMPLE NOT EATING WELL OR NOT PRACTICING GOOD HYGIENE BECAUSE OF YOUR ALCOHOL OR DRUG USE

WE ALL FACE STRESS, WE ALL DON’T SMOKE CRACK THOUGH PROSECUTER FIGHT BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL KEEP FROM GETTING COMPLACENT CANNIBANOID RECEPTORS IN BRAIN ONLY DRUG THAT ALREADY HAS RECEPTORS IN BRAIN AND RELEASES VERY SMALL AMOUNTS OF THC IN BRAIN REGULARLY CRF INJECTION --CHAVEZ DRUG LORDS… EL TORO..MEXICAN MAFIA-- DR. REASONS AND SWISS CHEESE MODEL DRANK TO SOBRIETY MOVIES – 28 DAYS, WALK THE LINE, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM MISHAP PREVENTION LEADING TO RELAPSE PREVENTION LAVIGNE HEART MCCAULLY STATE DEMIROL—MIDBRAIN STRATIUM—DOPAMINE— GLUTANINE AND GLUTAMATE FLASH FLOODS, A WET BRAIN NAVY PSYCHIATRIST—MEDICAL BOARD POLICE-- PLAN FOR RELAPSE. A MORAL DEFECT IN HIMSELF DISEASE MODEL DIVERSION PROGRAM 6 MO IN JAIL, 5 YEARS PROBATION ON CORONADO ISLAND

“I USED EVERY DAY FOR 5 YEARS, BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE A FUTURE. ALL I LIKE TO DO IS USE. I ONLY EVER QUIT FOR TOLERANCE. I QUIT ONCE IN THAT 5 YEARS TO SEE IF I COULD GET AS HIGH AS THE FIRST 30 TIMES. I DIDN’T SO I THOUGHT 100 DAYS WASN’T LONG ENOUGH. BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO STOP USING FOR ANY LONGER, SO BECAME A DAILY USER AGAIN.”

HOW COMMON IS DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTION? APPROXIMATELY 10% OF ANY POPULATION HAS AN ADDICTION (~ 700,000,000 PEOPLE) ADDICTION IS MORE COMMON THAN DIABETES (7%) PEOPLE ONLY STOP WHEN THEY HAVE SUFFERED ENOUGH NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES. WHY STOP OTHERWISE? 1) ADDICTION IS PROGRESSIVE USE INCREASES IN AMOUNT AND/OR BECOMES MORE FREQUENT MORE IS NEEDED TO GET THE SAME EFFECT SEEKS MORE POWERFUL SUBSTANCES (I.E. CHANGES METHOD/TYPE OF SUBSTANCES USED) BEGINS USE IN MORNINGS, BEFORE SOCIAL EVENTS, ETC PROTECTS/HIDE STASH OBSESSION AND FANTASIZING ABOUT USE EXPERIENCES A TRUSTED RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SUBSTANCE 2) ADDICTION IS CHRONIC FINANCIAL PROBLEMS LEGAL ISSUES (DUIS, POSSESSION CHARGES, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE) 3) ADDICTION IS POTENTIALLY FATAL OVERDOSE/SUICIDE ATTEMPTS 4) ADDICTION HAS IDENTIFIABLE SYMPTOMS BLACKOUTS CHANGES IN TOLERANCE PREOCCUPATION WITH ALCOHOL/DRUGS (BEOMES MOST IMPORTANT PART OF LIFE) WITHDRAWL SYMPTOMS (TREMORS, HALLUCINATIONS, SWEATS, ANXIETY, ETC) 5) ADDICTION CAUSES LIFE DETERIORATION 6)ADDICTION IS A PRIMARY DISEASE I DIDN’T LIKE THE OTHER ME 7)ADDICTION IS PREVENTABLE ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

FIVE COMMON PROBLEMS IN EARLY RECOVERY: NEW SOLUTIONS EVERYONE WHO TRIES TO STOP USE RUNS INTO VERY DIFFICULT SITUATIONS THAT MAKE IT DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN SOBRIETY

PROBLEM: CONTINUING ASSOCIATION WITH OLD FRIENDS OR FRIENDS WHO USE CAN CAUSE TRIGGERS NEW ALTERNATIVE: MAKE NEW FRIENDS AT 12 STEP RECOVERIES! …….OR SPIRITUAL RECOVERY GROUPS, NEW ACTIVITIES THAT WILL ENCOURAGE YOU TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH SOBER PEOPLE

PROBLEM: ANGER OR IRRITABILITY – SMALL EVENTS MAY CAUSE ANGER THAT WILL PROMPT USING NEW ALTERNATIVE: RECOVERY INVOLVES A HEALING OF BRAIN CHEMISTRY.. MOODS WILL BE AFFECTED (ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES) “NOTHING HAPPENS THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I NEED A DRINK”

PROBLEM: ALCOHOLIN THE HOME NEW ALTERNATIVE: GET RID OF IT ALL, IF POSSIBLE, ASK PEOPLE TO STOP USING IN THE HOME IF POSSIBLE. MOVE OUT.

PROBLEM: BOREDOM OR LONELINESS NEW ALTERNATIVE: GO BACK TO ACTIVITIES YOU ENJOYED BEFORE YOUR ADDICTION

PROBLEM: SPECIAL OCCASIONS NEW ALTERNATIVE: LEAVE, DON’T GO

1. ARE ANY OF THESE A PROBLEM FOR YOU? GETTING ANGRY -> FEELING LIKE I AM BEING WATCHED/FOLLOWED

2. HOW DO YOU DEAL?

TAKE A NAP. BE ALONE. REMEMBER THAT LIFE IS MEANINGLESS. BE THANKFUL AT LEAST I’M NOT SOMEONE ELSE. I.E. A LOSER.

“I CAME HERE TO STOP USING DRUGS, NOT TO STOP DRINKING.” - DRUG TREATMENT INCLUDES STOPPING ALCOHOL AS WELL. IT IS PART OF RECOVERYFROM “ADDICTION”

“I’VE DRUNK AND NOT USED SO IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.” - DRINKING OVER TIME GREATLY INCREASES THE RISK OF RELAPSE AND READDICTION.

“DRINKING ACTUALLY HELPS. WHEN I HAVE CRAVINGS, A DRINK CALMS ME DOWN AND THE CRAVINGS GO AWAY.” - ALCOHOL INTERFERES WITH THE CHEMICALS IN THE BRAIN. CONTINUED USE OF ALCOHOL ACTUALLY INCREASES CRAVINGS, EVEN IF ONE DRINK REDUCES THEM.

“I’M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC SO WHY DO I NEED TO STOP DRINKING?” - IF YOU’RE NOT ADDICTED, YOU SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM STOPPING.

“I’M NEVER GOING TO USE DRUGS AGAIN, BUT I’M NOT SURE I’LL NEVER DRINK AGAIN.” - MAKE A COMMITMENT TO TOTAL ABSTINENCE! MAKE A DECISION ABOUT ALCOHOL WITH A DRUG-FREE BRAIN.

1. HAS YOUR ADDICTED BRAIN PRESENTED YOU WITH OTHER JUSTIFICATIONS FOR DRINKING ALCOHOL? ALCOHOL IS FUN AND MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY. I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO ANYWAY. LIFE ENDS EVENTUALLY, GOOD TO LIVE WHILE I CAN. A DAY UNHAPPY IS A DAY WASTED. ALCOHOL MAKE CELEBRATIONS HAPPIER. IF IT IS A RANDOM TUESDAY, ALCOHOL CAN MAKE IT INTO A CELEBRATION.

2. HOW ARE YOU PLANNING TO DEAL WITH ALCOHOL ISSUES IN THE FUTURE? I WILL HOLD OFF ON GOING OVERBOARD. I USED TO DRINK SO MUCH THAT I WOULD VOMIT ABOUT 2 LITERS WORTH THEN I WOULD PASS OUT. ONE TIME I ABOUT FLOODED MY HOUSE BECAUSE I BLACKED OUT WHILE DRINKING BOUT 10 SHOTS IN A ROW. I WILL SAY I CAN ONLY HAVE 1 OR 2 DRINKS, BUT I DO NOT WANT TO ANGER MY PO OR THE POLICE BECAUSE THEY SCARE ME.

EXTERNAL TRIGGERS QUESTIONARE

TIMES/PLACES YOU MAY USE: HOME ALONE, HOME WITH FRIENDS, FRIEND’S HOUSE, PARTIES, MOVIES, CLUBS, CONCERTS, WITH FRIENDS WHO USE DRUGS, BEFORE A DATE, DURING A DATE, BEFORE SEXUAL ACTIVITIES, DURING SEXUAL ACTIVITIES, WHEN CARRYING MONEY, DRIVING, LIQUOR STORE, AFTER PAYDAY, BEFORE GOING OUT TO DINNER, BEFORE BREAKFAST, AFTER WORK, SCHOOL, THE PARK, IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, WEEKENDS, WHEN IN PAIN

ONCE I USED BEFORE GOING TO A CLASS PROJECT AT THE CAPITOL CITY HALL BUILDING. A BUNCH OF OLD DUDES VOTING ON LAWS

LIST OTHER TIMES YOU USE: WHEN I WAKE UP AND HAVE SHIT ELSE TO DO ALL DAMN YEAR UNTO INFINITY BECAUSE I AM UNEMPLOYED. WHEN I AM HAVING A SHITTY TERRIBLE DAY.

LIST OCCASSIONS WHERE YOU WOULD NOT USE: GOING TO CHURCH, AIRPORT, AROUND POLICE, BEFORE WORK, WHEN AROUND EMPLOYERS, DURING A COURT HEARING FOR MYSELF, DURING DRUG CLASS OR PROBATION, WHILE AT A HOSPITAL.

LIST PEOPLE YOU COULD BE WITH AND NOT USE: ANY DAMN PERSON.

WHAT EMOTIONS WOULD MAKE YOU WANT TO USE: HAPPY, CONFIDENT, PASSIONATE, RELAXED, EXCITED, BORED, LONELY….. FABULOUS

ALMOST NEVER USE: ASLEEP ALWAYS USE: AWAKE

HAVE YOU GOT IN A FIGHT RECENTLY THAT HAS MADE YOU WANT TO USE: CHECKED YES. I AM HAPPIER WHEN I USE AND I THINK IT IS A NORMAL THING TO DO. I NEVER PLANNED TO STOP USE UNTIL GOVERNMENT INTERFERED. I DID NOT SMOKE WEED FOR THE PEOPLE INVOLVED WITH THE GOVERNMENT AND I DID NOT SMOKE WEED TO BE A STATISTIC FOR HEALTHCARE REPRESENTATIVES. I SMOKED WEED FOR MYSELF AND TO MAKE MYSELF HAVE THE BEST LIFE IMAGINABLE. I AM EXCITED TO MOVE TO A LEGAL STATE AND CONTINUING SMOKING MARIJUANA. YA KNOW, SOMEWHERE IN PRIVACY THERE.

Post Acute Withdrawal

Chinden wendys

Psychiatric Lingo

They call it Regnerative Degenerative or INTERMITTENT

Regenerative….. it will all be better soon

Degenerative ……. Symptoms get WORSE

Intermittent …… days when symptoms are better….. symptoms come and go

It is ok now Now it is bad again Now it is ok Now it is bad

Traditional treatment does not treat Most common is regenerative and then intermittent

Suicide epidemic

The weaker your resistance begins Tetanus Cut yourself on a piece of rusted metal

Lack of attention to your “recovery plan”

Stress is linchpin

Atheist/Satanist

Irrationality YOU CAN SPEAK YOUR MIND

BUT MAKE SURE THAT EVERYONE AROUND YOU THINKS YOU ARE MAKING SENSE

HOW DID YOU GET HERE

STRESS GUILT CONFUSION

FIGHT A BATTLE WITHOUT A NAME

LEARNING TO TAKE THINGS A STEP THEN ANOTHER STEP

NOT OVER-REACTING TO THE SYMPTOMS.

ABSITENCE ALONE DOES NOT HAVE ENOUGH TO PROVIDE YOU WITH GOOD HEALTH.

HOW MANY CALORIES DO I NEED EACH DAY NUTRITIONIST???? 5,000?

NO SUGAR AND NO CAFFIENE FOR A RECOVERING ADDICT. DO NOT SKIP MEALS

DO NOT EAT POTATO CHIPS SODA CANDY

DO NOT DRINK FOOD THAT PRODUCE STRESS LIKE CANDY JELLY SYRUP

LET DOWN AN HOUR LATER

JANE A RECOVERING ALCOHOL ATE ICE CREAM EVERY NIGHT

EATING ICE CREAM HELP HER REDUCE CRAVING FOR ALCOHOL

SLUGGISH AND IRRITABLE COULD NOT GET ALONG WITHOUT IT

NO BREAKFAST

CAFFEINE CAUSE NERVOUS AND RESTLESSNESS

IRREGULAR SLEEP CAUSES IRRITABILITY

EXCERSIZE REDUCES STRESS

NATURES TRANQUILIZERS

STRETCHING AND AEROBIC.

RAISE HEART RATE TO 75% OF MAXIMUM

JOGGING SWIMMING JUMPING ROPE

ABLE TO BE MORE PRODUCTIVE

EXERCISE 3-4 TIMES A WEEK

MAKE TIME FOR EVERY DAY

EVERY DAY THAT YOU DO NOT EXERCISE YOU ARE TREATING YOURSELF

NO PAIN NO GAIN

COPE LAUGHING PLAYING READING

Relapse fight/flight

Muscle cannot relax and tense at the same time

It is impossible to remain tense and relax

Can imagine yourself in a better place

Spiritual divination

Gives your life purpose!!!

Peace of mind through no limitations 😊

Can reach with hope with a positive attitude

Do not have to be open to higher powers

Prayer through spirituality

biopsychosocial

spiritually retold

wholesome living

self-fulfillment

optimum stress level

walter was irritable and anxious

experienced more about saturday

how did your week go???

Friday in wilder

missed 2 UAs – got a car

doesn’t like being alone

can’t get rides to his UA

has 4 classes a week

lives in meridian

thinking about how to get here on his off days

chris

relapse lost his job

new job at Wendy’s

nueropsych test

5 hour

st. als

major traumatic brain injury

2005

high speed rollover accident

pole thrown at her head in the back side

how to deal with problems when they occur

don’t worry

be patient

retrain your brain is rehab to be a new person

longer a peron is sober the less the symptoms become

NA and AA

EARLY RECOVERY

My use will effect them

you have to forget about them if you are putting the pipe to your mouth or you will feel guilty

I was isolated at the drug house

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peace-coast-island · 5 years

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Diary of a Junebug

Making snack boxes!

We’re here with Amanda, Laura, Quentin, Vincent, and Roselle at the campsite putting together snack boxes for a charity event with Falling Star!

Thanks to Gulliver and his travels, we have plenty of snacks to go around! We’re giving them out as prizes - gold for first place, silver for second, and bronze for third. The event’s basically a carnival with loads of games and snacks!

While making the snack boxes, I got to learn a lot about the Falling Star fam - most who are cancer survivors since all the proceeds will go towards various charities for cancer research.

There’s Amanda Bonfiglio, who’s the leader of Falling Star. The foundation was created according to the wishes of her best friend Lacey Travino, who lost her life to cancer. They met in the oncology ward where Amanda was undergoing treatment for leukemia. With help from Lacey’s mother, Falling Star was created to help kids and teens with chronic and/or terminal illness. For the past decade, the foundation has grown and helped many lives.

And there’s Laura Skylar, whose older sister Cassie was a recipient of Falling Star. At seventeen, Cassie was diagnosed with a brain tumor with a poor prognosis despite aggressive treatment. Using the money provided by Falling Star, Laura and her best friend Joanna decided to fulfill Cassie’s wish of seeing the ocean, even if it meant sneaking her out of the hospital. After spending a few days at the beach, Cassie passed away alongside her family and friends.

Months after Cassie’s death, Laura’s mother accepted a job at Seashore Path College, which happens to be about half an hour away from Camp Constellation. Since then Laura has been involved with Falling Star as a counselor and assistant coach. She also just started her sophomore year at Seashore Path and is studying to become a physical therapist. Not a single day passes by when she doesn’t think about her sister.

Quentin Toledo and Vincent Yang are both survivors of bone cancer. Quentin was a recipient of the foundation after experiencing a relapse at sixteen, resulting in the loss of left arm. He was first diagnosed at thirteen and it was caught early enough that amputation wasn’t necessary. After his relapse, Quentin was in and out of the hospital. It was a rough time for him and for a while he didn’t think he had a future. But by some miracle, things took a turn for the better thanks to experimental treatments and he achieved remission after two years. Since then he has been cancer-free for three years.

While undergoing treatment and dealing with the loss of his arm, Quentin was invited to attend Camp Constellation as a junior counselor. He almost turned down the invitation - which would have been on top of his list of regrets if he had - and that summer changed his life. Being around other kids going through similar struggles like him helped made him feel less lonely and scared. Plus the activities got him interested in sports again as he was a star athlete and was encouraged by Mira to pursue that. So he became a personal fitness trainer, working with various clients with all kinds of disabilities.

Thanks to Quentin, Vincent became involved with the foundation. Vincent had led an interesting life - from traveling on inter dimensional adventures with Celinda and Owl to masquerading as a vigilante nicknamed the Karate Killer - people thought he was invincible. And so did he - at least until a broken leg led to a diagnosis of cancer. As a result, his right leg had to be amputated - which resulted in an infection that complicated things. After a year of aggressive treatments, Vincent achieved remission and has been cancer-free for almost a year and a half.

While undergoing treatment, Vincent worked with Quentin to stay active as best he could. Later he began working at the dojo with Coen and started teaching beginner karate classes at the camp during the summer. Vincent and Quentin also participate in some of the group therapy sessions, which are helpful to them too, not to mention many of the kids - especially amputees - look up to them.

Finally there’s Roselle Viola, a former teen pop sensation turned director. Back in the day she was known as the quirky pop star Amanda Savannah in the sitcom of the same name. After the show ended, Roselle took a break from acting to attend college. What was supposed to be a short break turned into an eight year long one.

While trying to restart her career and move away from her Amanda Savannah image, Roselle encountered several obstacles along the way. The biggest one was cancer, specifically stage three lymphoma, the same cancer that took her mother’s life nearly twenty years ago. After two years of uncertainty, she was in remission. Along with kicking off her new career as a director, Roselle has also been spending a lot of time working with various charities and foundation dedicated to cancer research, including Falling Star. She’s also working with Amanda and Mira on a documentary about Falling Star, which just started production last year.

Hearing their stories and how they came together is a good reminder that no matter how bad things get, there’s always a small glimmer of hope. Five people with different lives brought together by hardships and loss, working together to make a difference.

At first, putting together all these snack boxes seemed like a daunting task. But then we started talking and before we knew it, we were done! Now let the fun and games begin!

#animal crossing #animal crossing pocket camp #Diary of a Junebug #headcanon ramble

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meditativeyoga · 5 years

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Yoga May Be As Effective As Physical Therapy For Low Back Pain

One of yoga exercise's recognized advantages is its capability to soothe chronic low pain in the back. Is it as effective as physical therapy (PT) for underserved populations with more extreme levels of pain as well as impairment? New study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine provides the answer.

New Study on Yoga For Chronic Low Back Discomfort

In this 52-week research, researchers from Boston College arbitrarily assigned 320 ethnically varied adults (age 18-64) with chronic reduced neck and back pain obtaining treatment at a regional healthcare facility or health facility to get involved in either a yoga exercise group, a physical treatment team, or an educational team. Most individuals were non-white, lower-income women with modest to extreme pain and problems. To be eligible, participants needed to have moderate levels of reduced pain in the back lasting at least 12-weeks. For all teams treatment was separated right into an active treatment stage (baseline to 12 weeks), and also a 40-week upkeep phase (12-52 weeks).

Yoga intervention participants (n= 127) were asked to attend regular, 75-minute courses for 12 weeks. Classes were shown by among 13 yoga exercise teachers trained to deliver a manualized yoga exercise therapy procedure for reduced back discomfort. Each course began with reflection, relaxation and also breathing workouts, and yogic ideology, followed by easy positions, as well as ending with leisure. Props as well as modifications were offered to ensure that individuals practiced securely. Individuals were additionally given with a DVD and handbook, as well as asked to participate in HALF AN HOUR of method daily, as well as to tape-record their development daily. "Upkeep phase" courses were likewise used at the end of 12 weeks.

Physical therapy group participants (n= 129) were asked go to 15, individual 60-minute sessions throughout 12 weeks with one of 8 physical therapists. Each therapist was learnt a manual-based procedure that integrated assessment, graded workout, and screening for patient's fear-avoidance ideas. Appointments consisted of one-on-one physical treatment as well as supervised aerobic workout, and psychologically-informed support for reducing concern avoidance. Individuals were likewise offered products as well as created instructions for house technique, and also asked to log their task. A subset of patients was arbitrarily designated to booster sessions, where they were asked to subsequent with their therapist every 2 months as much as a year from starting the program.

The education and learning group (n= 64) was composed of getting The Back Discomfort Helpbook, which includes information concerning persistent reduced neck and back pain, in addition to exercises for strengthening and also extending. Instruction additionally included self-management, and details pertaining to the duty of worry avoidance and emotions as they connect to pain in the back. Individuals were asked to read the publication according to a pre-determined timetable, and also obtained a 1 to 2-page newsletter summarizing the assigned chapters also 3 weeks. They likewise obtained a brief (5-10min) check-in phone call from personnel every 3 weeks during the treatment, as well as every 6 weeks during the upkeep phase.

The study group concentrated their analysis on back-related function, discomfort, use of pain medication, international enhancement, treatment fulfillment, as well as health and wellness related lifestyle. Participants completed surveys at 6, 12, 26, 40 and 52 weeks, as well as were spent for effective survey completion.

Attendance in the yoga exercise and also PT teams served, with participants in both groups going to a mean of 7 sessions. About 75% of yoga exercise individuals and 64% of PT individuals reported participating in some type of home technique. Patients in both groups likewise participated in a similar quantity of booster sessions.

Yoga and also PT are in a similar way effective for persistent low back pain

Results of the research suggested that both yoga as well as PT individuals reacted in a similar way to treatment, with both yoga as well as PT group participants experiencing clinically significant reductions in reduced neck and back pain and also relevant special needs. Only the PT group demonstrated statistically substantial differences hurting as compared to the education and learning group.

Patients in the yoga as well as PT groups were equally satisfied with their programs, and also more pleased that those in the education group. Improvements in yoga exercise as well as PT team individuals were continual independently of whether they attended ongoing classes, booster sessions or had a residence method. Exactly what's more, after 12-weeks, adults in both the yoga exercise as well as PT groups were less most likely to use discomfort drug than education group members.

In general, all 3 interventions were located to be risk-free, with just moderate joint and back pain being reported amongst 9 yoga, 14 PT and also 1 education and learning team members.

Findings from the study recommend that a manualized yoga program targeting persistent low pain in the back in a varied, underserved example of adults may be as reliable as traditional PY for reducing pain and enhancing physical functioning. This does not, however, suggest that "non-manualized" community-based yoga programs for reduced back discomfort will certainly be equally as beneficial.

Unfortunately, there remain to be barriers for low-income, underserved people seeking access to yoga exercise or PT. Many low-income, minority neighborhoods do not have neighborhood yoga exercise workshops, as well as courses could be excessively pricey for those with little expendable income. PT could usually be hard to reach to those covered by Medicaid, or to those with private insurance and also expensive co-payments. Better, non-white grownups, or those with low revenues proceed to be among the minority in yoga exercise workshops. Up until we address the problem of addition and gain access to, it may be hard for under-served adults to gain from these programs.

B Grace Bullock, PhD, E-RYT 500 is a psychologist, study scientist, teacher, yoga exercise and also mindfulness specialist and also writer of Mindful Relationships: 7 Abilities for Success - Incorporating the Science of Mind, Body and also Mind. Her mission is to reduce anxiety, increase health and wellness and also health and also boost the high quality of relationships. She supplies courses, workshops, creating and also research study that incorporate the knowledge of used neuroscience, psychophysiology, psychology as well as contemplative scientific research and practice. Her objective is to encourage individuals, teams, leaders and also companies to decrease chronic stress and also boost understanding, interest, empathy, mindfulness as well as efficient interaction to enhance connections, release dysfunctional patterns as well as unlock new and healthy methods of being. Dr. Bullock is likewise the Starting Director as well as Principal Professional of the International Science and also Education And Learning Alliance, a company committed to extraordinary study, program analysis, analysis design, tactical planning and also capacity building to support equity, programmatic variety as well as clinical integrity, as well as advertise effective management, decision-making and social modification. Bullock is a Licensed Viniyoga Specialist and Professors at the Integrated Wellness Yoga Therapy (IHYT) Training program. She is the former Senior citizen Research Scientist at the Mind as well as Life Institute and also former Editor-in-Chief of the International Journal of Yoga Exercise Therapy. To find out more see www.bgracebullock.com.

#aerobic #meditation #Yoga #Yoga Therapy

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alexroertgen-blog · 5 years

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My First Dance with Ayahuasca- “Vine of the soul”- Trials & Tribulations

“Make the heart a chalice that holds the mind.” – Maestro Hamilton Souther

Hi, my name is Alex. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and have always held myself to the highest standard, but in reality my tough athletic exterior is a façade masking all of my insecurities, imperfections, deficiencies and deep flaws. I struggled with confidence and social anxiety all throughout my life up until my mid 20’s. I’ve always been a people pleaser, worrying about what other people thought about me, and doing my best to be the person everyone else wanted me to be. On the outside everything might look great, but on the inside I’ve been battling my own demons for years. This is why I chose to spend a week in the Amazon Rainforest of Peru working with Ayahuasca, and it ended up being probably one of the most enlightening, jaw-dropping, intense, and loving experiences that I’ve ever had. I learned so many valuable lessons that I’ve decided that I want to share my adventure with everyone. If you are curious about how profound my experience was and the lessons learned than continue reading. It is a little bit of a read, but I hope you enjoy!

Recently, I had the honor to participate in a life-changing, ancient shamanic healing tradition that has existed, been practiced and passed down through tribal lineages and blood lines by the indigenous people of the Amazon Rainforest and other ancient wisdom traditions across the planet for thousands of years. Words can’t describe the week I had and the incredible people from all around the world that I was privileged to share the experience with. Led by 7th Generation Master Shaman, and one of the most powerful healers in Peru, Maestro Don Alberto Torres Davila, and Hamilton Souther, also Master Shaman and founder of Blue Morpho Tours, it was an incredible environment for deep cleansing, inner awakening, and a deep, transformative journey with the sacred Amazonian plant medicine ayahuasca. In order for change to happen, you need to facilitate an environment where insight can occur. Insight into how did we get here? You have to be able to look deep into your heart. The Blue Morpho Medicine World was that perfect sanctuary. They hold a sacred and safe place for you to go deep and discover and heal yourself. By looking inside, we begin to awaken.

In what follows, I am going to do my best to put an ineffable experience, and the lessons learned into words. So why am I deciding to share all of this? Because Ayahuasca was probably one of the greatest things I’ve ever done. Would I go back and do it again? ABSOLUTELY!!! I’ll probably be back sometime next year. I still hear “the calling.” There is still so much truth to be discovered. Still so much to learn, and so much more work to be done. It was a truly magical experience, and Peru will always hold a special place in my heart. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about my experience and plotting my return. It has shown me aspects of my higher self, and how to relate to others and the world with compassion, love and forgiveness. I don’t know a single person who can’t benefit from this medicine. Thirty years of therapy in one night. These plant medicines provide a lens which you can view the world and other phenomena in a way that you’ve perhaps never looked at it before. It allows you to gain insights into how something works that normally wouldn’t come into the sphere of your attention. Who doesn’t stand to benefit from that?

We are born into these structures and we never think to question who put those structures in place. Who funded them? Whose philosophies are they? All of our information is given to us by someone or something else. We are programmed, trained and conditioned to look outside of ourselves, to external authorities, for everything and we are not even encouraged to go within and consult ourselves. Our society is phobic of the mind and terrified of the unconscious. These medicines teach you to go within yourself. They expand your consciousness. I believe that the medicine of the future is a growth in consciousness. Your higher consciousness empowers you to claim and be the architect of your life and destiny for the betterment of yourself and humanity. All of the answers to life’s biggest questions are not outside of us, they are deep within. Usually, deep introspection and meditative work is needed to access these depths. However, after having experienced it, I can truly say that respectful and experienced administration of plant medicines and ceremonies can be tools on the journey of self-awakening.

Life is a gift, and it offers us the opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more. Become the best possible version of yourself and give back because there is nothing more fulfilling, and no greater feeling than knowing that your words or actions helped influence another’s life for the better. You never know who your words and stories might touch. So many people can relate to my struggles because we are humans and we all have a story. Our natural human state is joyful, harmonious, and peaceful. However, for most people, deeply unconscious and long-suppressed fears, anger, and negative emotions drive our lives. True emotional healing always happens at the source and requires us to face our shadow and surrender to the healing process. This means entering the darkness willingly, in a state of naked vulnerability, in order to integrate then release its hold. I truly believe that Ayahuasca has the healing power to help anyone. She will open your heart, break down your walls and open your eyes to parts of yourself and life beyond the norm. She will change you in ways you never expected. These plants have the power to connect us to those parts of ourselves we have forgotten, ignored, or covered up. True healing puts into order the body, mind and spirit with the past, present, and the future. If we can each heal individually than we will see a dramatic change in society. We’re not in this alone. I really believe one of the best things we can do for our society is to realize we are all in this together.

How at ease we feel in our body, mind, and in the world, as well as how we behave toward others and the environment all revolve around how we view ourselves in the larger scheme of things. One of the most important lessons I learned was to not be afraid to be so vulnerable, embrace who I am and becoming, and to not take myself and life so seriously. This is me. It’s who I am, and other people’s judgement has no business with the things that feed my soul and make me, me. The world we live in, inundates us with far too many opinions about how we should be, look, and feel. This is part of what makes authentic self- expression so difficult. I’ve always been afraid to be myself and far too concerned with everyone else’s opinion. I’ve been doing my best to fit in and be friends with everyone for as long as I can remember. I always wanted to be liked, and that left me worrying about who I needed to be for different people. I’ve let go of all that, and only seek relationships that add to my life. I choose to live authentically! Rather than trying to be all things to all people, I offer my most precious gift...the unapologetic Me! I’ve realized that what I need to be, and have always needed to be, is completely comfortable with who I am. It was one of the lessons I needed to learn and that I’ll need to continually work on. A courageous heart is one that is unafraid to open to the world.

I also know that by sharing this, I am leaving no option, but to make myself totally vulnerable and I’ll be forced to learn to not let other people’s opinions affect or hold influence over me. Vulnerability is the gateway to authenticity, and without being vulnerable we can’t truly be ourselves. Once we remove our masks and start talking about some of our demons they begin to lose power over us. No longer do I feel I need someone or depend on another person for my worth. I am part of a community of people that fully love and support me.

I also want to hold myself accountable. If I hope to facilitate change, than I need to be that source of change. Who we are and what we do are influenced by the stories that we tell about ourselves. While we can’t always change the stories that others have about us, we can influence the stories we tell about ourselves. Everyone deserves to live the best possible life they can. If your story has been holding you back, flip the script. Rewrite the narrative for a brighter future. Use your story to empower yourself and create the life you deserve. Use your story to give others hope, which in turn reinforces your desire to live a life you love. After all, what could be greater than helping others? In the end, your story is one worth telling, and you should never forget that!

It is important to learn to forgive our own lapses. How often are you quick to forgive someone else's mistake, or even truly bad behavior, while continuing to beat yourself up for a mistake that you made? Building walls, it is easy to become trapped behind your own emotional defenses, leaving yourself feeling isolated and alone.

“If you condemn yourself for who you were, and you carry that forward, you carry yourself forward in a prison.”- Paul Selig

Learning to love ourselves is one of the toughest lessons we will ever face. We all have flaws, imperfections, embarrassing stories, and past mistakes we wish we could forget. We are insecure, and desperately wish we could change certain things. That's human nature. But the trick is to realize that everyone feels this way. No matter how beautiful, successful, or perfect someone might appear, he or she has their own insecurities and self-doubt. To really learn to love ourselves, we need to own and embrace our past mistakes, but also realize that they don't define our present or our future. Acknowledge yourself as a whole human being with flaws, imperfections and all. Apologize to anyone you feel you have significantly wronged, and then move on. The only worthy thing is love. It is the greatest gift in life. The most sacred bond we can have with other people. If we can remember to love, if we can remember to be openhearted people, we can engage in everything in our lives in a higher much more joyful way.

So where do I begin? The whole experience in Peru was so incredible, transformative, and magical. It was the craziest adventure of my life. I didn’t tell anyone I was going. Literally nobody knew. I let go of what I knew and journeyed into the unfamiliar. It was such an incredible feeling. I felt so free, brave, and adventurous. To go somewhere by myself, in a country where I don’t know anyone or anything about and not tell anyone, left me feeling so adventurous and so alive. But, intuitively, I just felt like I was coming home. Thrill and excitement never stopped pulsating through my veins. Why would I keep it secret? It wasn’t because I felt like I had to, it was because something inside of me told me I needed to do this alone. I knew that one day I would share my experience. When I got back, I realized that would be sooner than later. Beforehand, I didn’t know what to think, but afterwards I didn’t care. I knew what I did was the right decision. Life is a continually evolving adventure, and I’m just along for the ride.

As far as the Ayahuasca ceremonies, I had five totally different experiences. Seven nights, five ceremonies, five totally different experiences. The first night was pretty mild, but it taught me a valuable lesson I’ve struggled to learn throughout my life. I’ve always chased the high. Always had the pedal to the metal. When the Ayahuasca didn’t hit me hard that first night, I was a little disappointed. I wanted results. I wanted immediate insights. I wanted answers, fast. But, I soon came to realize that it was helping me to develop a healthy relationship with the medicine, and it was teaching me to appreciate the moment and ease into the experience. I believe that night set the tone for the ones to follow, because every night after that I felt like I had developed a healthy, respectful relationship with the brew and we understood each other.

The second night was probably one of the happiest nights of my life. I felt like I was in the movie avatar. Had some crazy beautiful visuals and visited all of these different dimensions and far off lands full of magnificent creatures. When my eyes were closed I was in a fantasy land, however, when I opened my eyes I was surrounded by layers and layers of different dimensions. Time also seemed to slow to a still. I could see movements as a delay, or lag. People moving around the room were followed by their trails. It was like watching Neo move in the Matrix in slow motion. I’ve chased adventure and travel my entire life. I’ve visited 75% of the United States and I’ve been to three other continents. I’m constantly plotting my next adventure. I’ve seen truly magnificent places around the world, but nothing could ever top what I saw and the feeling it gave me on that second night. That night I also had these little entities working on me, like little surgeons aligning my energies and trying to fix anything that was wrong in my body. The visual experience was very strange, but the effect was remarkably healing and I couldn’t have been more grateful for it. I remember waking up the following day feeling better than I have in years. In fact, I woke up every day after feeling like a champion.

The third night was insane. Quite possibly the most profound night of my life. I was flying through space, catapulted into a realm of pure love energy, exploring multitude dimensions of immense, profound beauty. I had separated the ego mind and merged with pure consciousness. I lost my sense of self, and entered what felt formless. Not a void, but pure quantum potentiality, a permanence of continuum. It was a state of pure knowing, without any of the projections of the ego. The same stuff that the mystics talk of. The Divine Light. Source Energy. The Holy Spirit. Buddha Nature. It was a state of complete ego dissolution and non-duality. The fundamental clear knowing and true seeing that there is no “I” or “mine” that the Buddha taught. I was one with everything. I saw Buddha, Jesus, and all of these mythical figures and they welcomed me and told me that I was one of them now. That night I experienced “enlightenment.” My brain was a quantum computer processing information at light speed. It was unfathomable the volume of information my mind was downloading. It had a level of consciousness that seemed almost impossible to comprehend. My mind actually felt like it was the entire universe. I wasn’t in the universe, I was the universe. Completely plugged into everything else. I had this feeling that I was one with everything, and that I wasn’t just in the mind of god, but I was a part of god. Everything just kept merging into one. I was so full of love and so open. I saw that the universe has no end and no beginning, and nothing truly dies. Once the medicine lifts the veil of the illusions of separation, mortality, duality and space-time, we see reality and ourselves as what we truly are – the one energy that is manifesting itself in an infinite number of ways. It is all real! I saw that we are consciousness having a human experience and we are all one!

Whether what I saw and experienced was real, or whether it was just in my imagination, there was this clear headed, intuitive, innate knowing that it was real, true and objective. Nothing but pure absolute conviction that I was experiencing the truth. It was as real and objective as me sitting here writing this. Regardless of whether or not a certain situation or experience is real in the three dimensions that we go about in our waking lives or whether it is in the dream world or whether you perceive it as a hallucination, the experience in and of itself is still real. The objective realities of the three dimensions are still illusory and imagined by our senses. We see 1% of the electromagnetic spectrum as visible light. That’s only 1% of the spectrum that we know. There can be infinite spectrums that we don’t know about. The way a bat perceives our world as opposed to how we perceive our world is radically different. As humans we are such a small part of this universe. We are a filter of information but we can only filter so much, so we aren’t privy to all of these different realms on a conscious level on a minute to minute basis.

We've all heard of the placebo effect. You get a sugar pill instead of the real medicine and it works solely because you believe it would. Your mind heals you because you trust the medicine. So if what I saw was real or just in my head, does it matter if my mind believes it real and is just creating that reality? If your mind believes in something strongly, it will do wonders to bring it to fruition. Today it seems that nearly everyone believes, and the latest science points toward the fact, that the way we think has an effect on our life, and that our thinking creates our reality. Neuroscience says your brain is organized to reflect everything you know in your life and is a record of your environment. So we think everything equal to what we know and keep creating more of the same. To truly change we need to think greater than our environment.

The fourth and fifth nights in ceremony were more about purging my body of unwanted toxins and negative energies. Ayahuasca cleansed a tremendous amount of dense energies that have accumulated in my system as well as brought up many fragmented aspects of my past that have been buried in my subconscious. Walking out of ceremony into the night sky on the last night was utterly amazing. The Milky Way was in full display and the sky was incredible. Bright stars littered the sky from horizon to horizon. It was mesmerizing. Never seen anything like it. I didn’t feel like I was looking out into the universe. I felt like I was standing there right in the middle of the universe.

I didn’t have any bad experiences. It was truly amazing and I met tons of cool people from around the world. I have friends in Australia, New Zealand, Malaysia, Vancouver, Ukraine and London now. On the first day we were all strangers, but by the last day we were family. We spent time being vulnerable with each other, shared delicious meals, and faced the deepest darkest parts of ourselves together. I was surrounded by such interesting, intelligent and compassionate people that made this whole experience so magical. I feel closer to my Blue Morpho family now than I have to nearly every other person in my life. These were warriors, people who had traveled half way across the world to a foreign country, embarking on a journey into the unknown, to face their fears and deepest wounds all so that they could become better versions of themselves. They were some of the bravest people I’ve ever met. Every single one of them was prepared for what lies ahead, because deep healing can be challenging. We were meant to be with this particular group of people, and we all came together to share such an incredible experience for a reason.

The experience was so mind altering. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt happier. It really did transform me to the core. I feel lighter, brighter, more vital, more compassionate, and so full of love and happiness, and more in touch with myself and the world around me. Ayahuasca tore down my emotional barriers and opened my heart, my mind, and my eyes. I felt plugged into something bigger than myself. She broke open the doors to higher consciousness.

“Ayahuasca is a holistic, existential, experiential medicine, shamanic brew and well-known natural entheogen that facilitates deep cleansing, and states of inner-awakening. It rids the body of physical impurities, heals deep-seated emotional and psychological issues by cleansing your subconscious mind, the body and the energetic system of negative energies, helps bring integration to deep-seated emotional problems, and guides us towards releasing limiting and fear-filled beliefs.”

“Whether you are looking for personal healing and cleansing, discovering an overall greater sense of purpose, presence and peace in your life, or for rejuvenation and perspective, spiritual growth, insight or meaning in life, profound change, or to expand your consciousness, or are on a path of self-discovery and awakening in search of direction, plant medicines can help facilitate your journey. Each person becomes their own guru receiving revelations from within themselves and higher transpersonal sources.”

Ayahuasca supports you in facing your darkest shadows, your most repressed traumas, and your most serious wounds. What if you could return to your childhood and relive your darkest experiences with your current strength and maturity? What if you could reconnect with your essence, the part of yourself you covered up in order to survive as a child because it was not approved of, validated, or loved by others. Following a path of inner work triggers the old trauma, loosens it, and brings it to the light to be released. We offer up all of what no longer serves us to be burned up. By bringing more consciousness to the emotional process we can actually gain new choices over our feelings and behavior. We can free our hearts and minds from the chains of past conditioning, and can actually learn how to cultivate the more satisfying states of mind. Until the underlying wound is healed, until the casual emotions are faced and integrated, the part of you which experienced trauma and found a way to cope with it continues to run the same program over and over, endlessly. They stay with us for life unless we delve deep to find their cause – a negative residual energy that manifested as an emotional blockage. A gaping hole remains, and you try to fill it with whatever is at hand while life feels like a prison. Since what you resist persists, at some point you must find the courage to dig deep. If not now, when? Ayahuasca allows you to unlock those implicit memories, like a key, and allows you to go back and reprocess them logically without emotion. The bravest people are the ones who have the courage to be able to face their demons, and the constant barrage and assaults of their own minds. They say that you never come to play with Ayahuasca, it’s always work. That’s because it’s not easy, it’s a challenging undertaking.

Ayahuasca allows access to dimensions that are usually inaccessible to the heavily conditioned human mind. There are no words to describe it. It's an expansion of heart, mind, and spirit. The usual frames of references holding our common daily understandings of reality in place become obliterated with an opening perceptibility to activity, phenomena, and information in frequency ranges outside of the five senses. It dissolves the illusory self and significantly increases your awareness of your own self-constructed boundaries, and guides you to release fear-filled and self-limiting beliefs. Things come up that people realize are in there but have not been able to confront or really bring to the forefront. They’ve relatively successfully suppressed it but it’s still wielding a negative influence in their life. There is a purification and bringing forward that of what has been suppressed in the subconscious. Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life. This process initiates a long term healing journey that supports your overall liberation from the hypnosis of your condition. It shines a light into your shadow, and helps you to become aware of negative patterns. Unconscious deep emotional wounds and aspects of our mind that hinder us from living our lives to the fullest are integrated while new insights and perspectives about the self, world and universe are introduced all within the individual’s consciousness. You then need to become intimate with your fears, embrace your darkest shadows, and consciously guide yourself back to wholeness. The results are usually profound healing and significant life transformation

Miracles with ayahuasca come in all shapes and sizes; they can be insights, revelations, eradication of fears and addictions, relationship shifts, relocations, career changes and altered life courses. The common theme? If you do the work, you will get to release that which no longer serves you, tap into your power of choice, and write your own destiny.

This is why I felt a calling, and followed my heart, to go to Peru to work with Shamans. Ayahuasca has an uncanny ability to know when the time is right, and when the person is ready to sit with the medicine, she will call for them, and this is exactly what I experienced. I’ve known about it for probably over 5 years, and I’ve always been intrigued by it, but it wasn’t until about 3 months ago when I felt this undeniable calling too it. It needs to be an internal personal decision. I initially felt drawn to it because of claims from people who had kicked lifelong addictions seemingly overnight. For me, this calling was, in large part, because I’ve been holding onto a lot of baggage that I needed to shed. Things that I was passion about and used to leave me feeling so happy were leaving me feeling unsatisfied. I could feel myself closing off to life, and I hated it. So, I knew it was right and I went there completely calm and without conviction. There was definitely a magical element about doing it at its place of origin, in the middle of the Amazon, under a Milky Way sky, while listening to the sounds of the rainforest. We were also allowed to participate in the harvest and brewing of the Ayahuasca that we drank. This gave us the opportunity to put our intentions into the brew and that added a very special element.

Key to preparation is a conscious formation of an intention, something you want to fix or insight you seek to gain. Ayahuasca will show you what you need to see or to let go of. These were my intentions:

1. Transform my life and start living for something bigger

2. Confront my conditioning. Break down all walls and barriers and be free from all limiting beliefs, negative thoughts and behaviors that no longer serve me.

3. Deep personal healing & forgiveness of myself for all of my mistakes and the people I’ve wronged. Heal my life, identity and traumas.

4. Gain insight into my life. What is my purpose? Why am I here? What can I do to live a more fulfilling life? What can I do to flourish?

5. Open my heart and feel love to all of life. Stop living so closed off. Reclaim the parts of me that have been cut off and abandoned. Restore the vitality, creativity, imagination, playfulness, and connection to my inner child.

My whole life I’ve been a very deep, self-aware, introspective, reflective individual. Constantly contemplating the universe and my existence. I’ve always been fascinated by the complexity of life and the immensity of the universe. Curious about what some of the brightest theoretical scientists & evolutionary biologists of the world thought on the universe and life, I delved into a period of my life where I read every book I could on evolution, the history of our planet, the universe, quantum physics, string theory, black holes, and the theory of everything. I learned about quarks, bosons, neutrinos, god particles, string theory, and multiverses. I wanted to understand the Big Picture. That question has always intrigued me. Why am I here? Why are humans here? What is my part in this? What is the meaning of all this? Little did I know that in Peru, I would get a glimpse of all of this. In addition to contemplating the universe outside, I started reading a lot into Buddhist psychology because I knew there was a way into the universe by going within. Scientists investigate life by looking outside of themselves, while Buddhist meditators look inward. In either direction reality displays roughly the same qualities. Scientists and meditators give similar accounts of everything from brain functions to subatomic realities. As inside, so outside. The big difference is that by seeing these truths inside ourselves, the information becomes personal.

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life."

This quote by John Lennon has always resonated with me. It’s the reoccurring theme of my life. We only get one crack at this, and I’ve always promised myself that I would never settle for anything but the best in life. Too often I see people working a 9-5, and every day is the same old boring routine, just going through the same routine motions, just living for the weekend. I promised myself I would never be that person. Success without fulfillment would be the ultimate failure. Life isn’t meant to be repetitive, boring and monotonous. There would be life, love and adventure in everything I do. Being optimally well is not just the mere absence of illness, it’s about thriving and continually striving to live a life that is full, meaningful, zestful and exuberant.

The biggest reasons why I wanted to go to Peru was because of the baggage I’ve been holding onto due to the ignorance and delusion that plagued my early/mid-20s, but also so that I could gain some insight, possibly find some answers to life’s biggest questions, and start living a more fulfilling, meaningful and purposeful existence.

In my early 20s I went through a period of mild depression. I had just graduated college with a bachelor’s degree in civil engineering; a degree I wasn’t sure I ever really wanted. I felt so lost. I wanted to live a life full of purpose, and meaning. I wanted to help people, and find a way I could contribute to society, and know that one day when I leave this planet I will have left it for the better. This couldn’t be it. I’ve always known that the secret to living is giving. The world doesn’t need any more building engineers. On top of that, I was unhappy living in NY. I felt trapped, and I didn’t know what to do. I felt myself slipping into that life and person I promised I would never be, so naturally I turned to alcohol as a clutch. I always knew and had profound sense that there was more to life. I think it’s safe to say that I failed myself in this period of life. The failure hurt, but it was a wonderful teacher. The most difficult experiences tend to be the most valuable experiences. That’s where the opportunity to learn really opens up

I feel like I’ve been holding onto a lot of guilt over these years of destructive behavior and abusing alcohol. I know that I was young and immature, and had been acting out of delusion & ignorance, but even so I’ve nonstop been mentally punishing myself for years. I’ve been holding onto a lot of baggage that I needed to shed. I was back in the prison of my mind, but I could see that the door was locked from the inside this whole time. In my late teens and early 20s, I was always shy and just wanted to be like everyone else and feel accepted. Feeling like an outsider, I internalized this as though something was wrong with me and so whenever I’d go into social situations there was always this story in the back of my mind that I’m not good looking enough, I’m not funny enough, or I’m not social enough. Alcohol gave me a way out. It gave me that liquid courage! I had found a new sense of confidence and could talk to anyone! It was a false personality, a mask worn to cover and protect my true inner self from a world that is callous and hurtful. But I realize now, that I’ve never wanted to be like those people and the person I was. I hated the person I was becoming. I compromised myself and my values to gain approval and validation. The core problem for me was a lack in self-acceptance, self-love, and self-worth. As small children, we are open and free, sharing all of ourselves with others. As we grow and mature, however, we learn that the world can be a very painful place, so we avoid or try to minimize the risk of being hurt again. Out of fear of rejection or abandonment we learn to protect ourselves. We build walls around our hearts, and even worse, we begin to believe and internalize negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves. As we search for answers to life's hurts, we often begin to believe that we were responsible for them. The best way to minimize the potential damage is not to build walls. To combat the fear of vulnerability, we must first learn to love and accept our whole, authentic self.

All I’ve ever really wanted was to accept my true self. Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem, and genuine confidence is not the absence of fear, it is the transformed relationship with fear. What is there ever to fear? Life is in a constant state of flux. Every moment is impermanent and changing. The only thing promised is that we will all one day leave this body. It’s unavoidable, so why not do the things that scare you? What do you have to lose?

Even though I don’t drink often anymore, I’ve still been punishing myself and I feel like I’ve had thoughts of unworthiness and had become closed off to a lot of life. Adventure, travel, and things that used to bring me joy were just leaving me feeling unsatisfied. In relationships, I’d pull back because I felt like I didn’t deserve this. I know I have such a good heart and I wanted to open it to feel compassion, love and forgiveness for myself so that I could love life again. Some people would just brush it off, and say “don’t worry about it, that’s how kids your age are supposed to act.” But it’s never been that easy. I did a lot of dumb things, ruined relationships and friendships, and I’ve been holding onto a lot of these mistakes since my early 20s. Not only was I abusing alcohol, but I was lying and hiding it from the people I loved and cared about. I put my family through too much, left my mom constantly worrying about me, and I mistreated and hurt too many people along the way. I’ve been craving my own forgiveness for years. It is only by facing, taking ownership, and reclaiming those unintegrated parts of the self that have manifested as fear, and negative patterns that we may get to the root cause of our suffering and truly heal.

I was able to see all of that in ceremony. It has been my own self-defeating behaviors, and limiting self-beliefs that have kept me trapped. You can search the whole universe and not find any being more worthy of your love & happiness than yourself! It unearthed traumas that were deeply buried in the subconscious of my mind. It was a lot of unflattering stuff. Ways that I’ve hurt people and been dishonest in my life, mistakes I’ve made, ways that I haven’t lived up to my potential and failed myself or failed others. I saw the many ways that I have hurt and harmed myself & others, betrayed or abandoned them, caused them suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain, fear, anger and confusion, and the sorrow I’ve carried from this. Ayahuasca allows you to see and perceive things you can’t ordinarily, in ways you wouldn’t ordinarily, and it also allows you to see things from other perspectives, through the eyes of other people. It will also often show you what it’s like speaking and interacting with you from the other side. It allows you to relive the experience, but from a somewhat detached third person perspective. Almost as an observer, observing yourself in a life situation and seeing the past in a way that you’ve never seen it before. I was able to see the impact that I’ve had on others, and that impact wasn’t always positive. It allowed me to see that from another person’s point of view. I suddenly realized the pain my negligence was causing others.

I was able to go all the way back in time and see when it all started, where it all went wrong and why. I was able to activate repressed memories in ways that allowed me to come to a new understanding of my past. I was able to reconnect with parts of myself that I have felt shame or guilt around. I replayed my life slowly and meticulously and was able to go through different periods and explore the instinctual qualities of myself and see how those behaviors became conditioned in my brain. I saw the mechanics of how my personal story got created, and when and how I developed an abusive, unhealthy relationship with alcohol and why it continued to perpetuate. Allowing difficult feelings and emotions to surface, accepting them, integrating them and then releasing them was an indispensable part of the healing process. By bringing it to my awareness and seeing it and understanding how it all happened, I was able to come to terms with it, forgive myself, and to let it all go. I was able to see all of the people I’ve hurt, and to ask them for their forgiveness. Most importantly, I was finally able to see how deluded & ignorant I’ve been and to forgive myself. I’m alive. I survived all of it.

“The day the child realizes all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; The day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; And the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.” –Alden Nowlan

I applied loving kindness to the younger Alex, the older versions of Alex who had these behaviors that I had grown to hate and resent, and actually thank them for the role they played. Ayahuasca showed me both the ways I’ve closed off from myself, and that I no longer need to because the love is still there, it’s always been there. I realize now that all of my “problems” were a gift. Without problems we would not grow. All of my past failures and frustrations have laid the foundation for the understandings that will create a new, higher level of living I intend to enjoy.

“The journey into self-love and self-acceptance must begin with self-examination...until you take the journey of self-reflection, it is almost impossible to grow or learn in life.” -Iyanla Van Zant

I honestly feel lighter since I’ve been back and my heart feels open again and I finally feel free from my past mistakes. I am learning to love myself and feel a sense of worth for simply being a human. Ayahuasca really did open me up and I’ve felt so full of love & happiness, and I’ve been calm, more relaxed, and at peace. I have been able to engage with the world in a way that comes from a heart centered perspective. I have gained such a deep trust in life and the journey. Especially after the last night when I just laid down by myself and stared at the stars for hours and asked the universe to start living for something bigger. I was talking to the universe and the universe was talking back, I could feel it. In that moment, I knew my dreams were already answered. As I stood there, staring off into the universe, sharing the air with those who lived in the past, I knew that I was standing there with my ancestors, sharing the same incredible views and feelings of amazement that they witnessed thousands of years ago. I’ve never felt closer and more alive. I saw 7 shooting stars and I could see the Milky Way. I was in total awe. I’ve never seen the nighttime sky like that. The whole experience was just so profound, and looking out into the universe made me realize how insignificant my problems and mistakes really are and how stupid it is for me to let them continue to haunt and hold power over me. It seems that my early/mid 20s was about losing myself, so that my early 30s I could come home to my true self.

“The person who hasn’t conquered, withstood and overcome continues to feel doubtful that he ever could.” – Abraham Maslow

I remember sitting in ceremony repeating to myself over and over again, how can I ever go back to reality as it’s been? There was no possible way. I had seen and experienced way too much. I also remember sitting there and feeling deep within that we, as a collective, had just raised the level of consciousness of the entire planet. Twenty three people in ceremony, in the middle of the Amazon, had a global ripple effect. I knew from that moment that my life was forever transformed. There is no going back after experiencing yourself as the eternal light of all there is. How can you hold grudges or attempt to harm another knowing they are your own? How can you not care for mother earth given she is our beautiful creation? How will you now look at the challenges in your life after having experienced yourself as formless and timeless Source Energy that has neither beginning nor end?

“Man is the most insane species. He worships an invisible god and slaughters a visible nature, without realizing that this nature he slaughters is the invisible god he worships.” – Herbert Reeves

It's not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean. Going to Peru was my 30th birthday present to myself. It was a deeply spiritual experience for me and something I needed to do for my own personal healing. I wanted to shed everything that has been holding me back, so that I could forge forward and carve out a new future, and start off 31 as the best year of my life and a beautiful new beginning. A deep spiritual experience is only possible when we put our ego aside. It’s about merging with something larger than you and it’s your ego that stands in the way. If we can subdue it, amazing things happen and we realize that we are part of a larger collective. When we don’t feel a part of some grander design we are forced to carry all of the meaning of life on our own shoulders.

I have no doubt that in the coming months, as I continue to integrate, I’ll come to new insights and have amazing things to report. Just being in the middle of the Amazon rainforest completely disconnected from society was so liberating and incredible. Set and setting was everything. It can definitely be work, but it’s the price to pay if it means finding your passion and purpose and start living a fulfilling life free from past baggage. If we don’t set a baseline standard for what we accept in life, we will find it easy to slip into a quality of life and behaviors that are far below what we deserve. We can change our lives. We can do, have, and be exactly what we wish. Who we become, and what we contribute is what gives meaning to our lives.

There is no greater force for the good than a healthy, energized, awakened individual with a clear mission. The strongest purpose in life is to be of service to those you love. We need to realize that the power to cultivate change is in our hands. Open the mind, and expand it. Plug into something bigger than yourself and raise your consciousness. When we look up, we are all under the same sky and when we look within, the same light shines.

We are not separate from nature, or even each other. Every one of our decisions and actions affects all of these realms. Realizing that we are an integral part of this vast and complex web of life, and that the health of the whole is intimately connected with the health of the individual, it is critical that the global shift in consciousness assumes this perspective, and that starts with each of us.

How many lives will you touch while you have the privilege to walk this planet? What impact will your life have on the generations that follow you? What legacy will you leave behind after you have taken your last breath? What would you be doing if you could do anything in the world and there was nothing in the way, no obstacles? How can I live today in order to create the tomorrow I’m committed to? Consciously choose each step, aiming for the direction which calls you closer to your highest aspirations.

As the great Albert Einstein once said, “There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” What will you chose? I challenge you to make your life a masterpiece. Join the ranks of the people who live what they teach, and who walk their talk. There is no greatness without a passion to be great.

“Only those who have learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience life’s deepest joy: true fulfillment.” – Tony Robbins

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terresdebrume · 6 years

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Spin Control reread: 2. Arena Talk With Flickerman

Aaand we’re back for chapter two! I’ve slept four hours ish last night (and it’s now half past 9pm) so please forgive any typo or weirdness the spellchecker doesn’t take care of ^^’ @trovia, @princess-nell, this is your call before we start :3

Also, the way I did this chapter is a little different from the others. For the prologue and chapter 1, I wrote my comments down as I read through the story but in this case I read the full chapter first and I’m going back on it now, for the simple reason that I was as confused as Finnick about the turn of events.

See, this chapter starts on the evening of Haymitch’s very public overdose, as Finnick gets ‘invited’ to participate in a talk show where Haymitch and his alcoholism are very obviously going to be the center of attention. Finnick is kind of confused as to why he’d be invited except for looking pretty ‘while other people [use] the big words’. It took me until the end of the chapter to realize it but actually, yeah, I’m pretty sure being pretty is exactly what Finnick was called for.

Because the other guests on that talk show?

Mags, an eighty-ish years old woman whose refusal to upgrade her prosthetics is already making it harder for people to understand her.

Chaff, a nearing-fifty alcoholic with a stump and a rather caustic attitude

Terence from District 6 who looks closer to Mag’s age than his actual sixty years and has a morphling addiction problem.

In other words, Caesar Flickerman now has to host a program with three walking reminders that life doesn’t stay pretty forever or for everyone (after all, you can make an argument that Mags is just old, but there’s no way you can pretend like Chaff and Terence’s lack of compliance with Capitol beauty standards aren’t linked to their games, even if most of your population is eager to pretend it is). That’s already three reminders too many for a government trying to normalize and glamourize the Hunger Games until its victims have to say thanks for being sent to the slaughterhouse and punished for it afterward. So what do you do? You throw your local sex-on-legs eye-candy in there so people have something nice to look at while other people discuss the utter mess that is Haymitch’s life. It’s brutal packaging is what it is, down to Finnick’s clothes actually:

After a remake session with Cherry, his stylist, and her team, [Finnick] was trying to get comfortable in his chair despite the excuse for a pair of pants he wore, while the studio lights burned down on him and Flickerman discussed Haymitch Abernathy’s alcoholism, which was still a disease.

Also I have to say I like that this sentence starts with Finnick’s discomfort with an outfit clearly meant for the audience more than for him, and ends with a reminder to himself that Haymitch isn’t completely lost yet. It’s like he glances at his own predicament and trauma then subconsciously steers himself back to the more pressing issue. It’s both a touching sow of solidarity and care toward Haymitch and a heartbreaking dismissal of himself...which, in turn, is an excellent and subtle reminder that it isn’t like Finnick lives in a world that will ever allow him to heal anyway.

Oh, and:

Finnick tried to avoid looking at Terence’s long sleeves, such an uncommon styling choice in a boiling hot television studio, covering up puncture wounds of Morphling needles. Before the show, Finnick had walked in on him shooting himself up in the men’s room. As far as he knew, Terence had never once sobered up since he’d won the 26th Games with a knife and a garrote.

Just in case there was any doubt left that the Capitol (specifically president Snow, but also many people who do not use their brains so they don’t have to come to accurate conclusions) cares more about the Victors’ use as narrative devices than as persons. Not that the people reading SC would have any doubt about that (or at least, they wouldn’t survive very long) but it’s still a good reminder to get. And boy do we get some more.

Chaff took control of the conversation without prompting and did what needed doing on the victors’ end to keep Haymitch alive, swiftly building on the news coverage by weaving a story of loneliness and fame and social responsibility, a term Finnick hadn’t been aware the Capitol actually ever used for anything.

You know, I said in my prologue post that Haymitch’s friends didn’t fully realize what situation he was in and I stand by that, but just because they didn’t realize doesn’t mean they didn’t care. Chaff is putting himself on the line here, subtle as it may be. Also the fic may be in Finnick’s pov, which means one of the more perceptive Victors is our guide here, but that doesn’t take away from the others’ ability to observe and/or toe the line when needed I mean:

“Well yeah, all the signs were there for me to see though and I didn’t, right?” Chaff replied. “All the signs were there, but I didn’t want to see. I didn’t realize how hard it must be for Haymitch, only victor of Twelve and all and always the only mentor for the two tributes, too. He never gets to sleep properly during the Games until they’re both out, did you know that? Probably used the alcohol to stay awake.”

After delivering that last statement with a sorrowful face as if it actually had made any sense, he paused.

Of course Chaff’s statement doesn’t make any sense: it starts with the truth and ends with a Capitol-PR-ready, ‘but of course he was only trying to serve you’ when Haymitch’s entire life at this point is basically the most long-term suicide attempt ever seen. It’s lucky Chaff isn’t the only one who cares and the others pick up the thread before it can start to unravel:

“The public often underestimates how stressful the life of a victor can become,” [Mags] said […]. “It is especially hard for victors if they are supposed to be performing as mentor but failing. It is a great honor to be a mentor, victors are always anxious to succeed. It can be too much, honestly. I have seen this playing out many times. We put ourselves under pressure. One can get overwhelmed.”

“That’s what it was like for me, too,” Terence agreed with his grainy old voice, having aged prematurely. He could as well have been Mags’ age instead of only sixty. “The responsibility was weighing down on me. Not just to the Capitol, who I owed so much, but also to my tributes.”

“We all want to be at our best during the Games,” Chaff concluded.

“What do you think, Finnick?” Flickerman addressed him with a face of rapt interest. He usually adopted that same expression when he told Finnick to get on his knees and suck him off in his dressing room, as if it was a great adventure they were undertaking together.

Okay, sorry to ruin the beautiful moment of solidarity (because even with their limited means, everyone on this side of the talk show is doing what they can to help Haymitch out) with Flickerman being a creepy douche, but considering it’s been established that the topic of Finnick using drugs was supposed to be off-limits (implicitly, but still) I can’t help but wonder if this is Flickerman deciding to toe the line just so he can have Finnick under his thumb again, and that only make him even more gross.

“I am worried about Mr. Abernathy, I am. This is going to be a difficult case,” the doctor told the camera. “As therapists, we see this every day. Yes, we can help this patient to detoxify and send him on his way. Will he have lost his attitude problem? No. He will drink again, and we cannot blame him for that. It will be almost impossible for him to not drink without undergoing extensive therapy first. It would even be so if he was a Capitol citizen, held to our higher standards of restraint. In my professional opinion, Mr. Abernathy is not fit to fulfill his duties by himself and he will not be for a long time to come. You cannot expect this man to act as the sole mentor for his district any longer.”

Okay, first of all, this doctor may have understandable reasons somewhere but he’s still participating in the vile hostage-holding of Haymitch by helping to lay out the bricks for a Capitol-issued miracle narrative, but also the sheer hypocrisy in the bolded part is astounding, even though I knew it was coming. The levels of willful blindness you have to maintain for this sentence to be even remotely acceptable are staggering, even higher than Effie’s disdain of the District Twelve tributes who didn’t know how to eat with forks and knives. It’s even worse to read after having seen the actual canon party where people puke just so they can eat again. And then they have the gall to talk about the Capitol’s higher standards of restraint. Ugh.

“So there is the pressing matter of District Twelve’s participation in this 72nd Hunger Games,” Flickerman continued when the feed was cut off […]. “There are two young tributes at the Training Center now, anxiously waiting for a mentor to prepare them for the Games as we speak. It doesn’t seem like it will be Haymitch. Furthermore, there is the matter of Haymitch handling mentorship in the future. Mags.”

“Well, there is precedence, of course,” Mags said. While she answered promptly, Finnick could see that a guarded expression had crossed her face. She wasn’t clear on what angle on this topic would most likely help the victors and Haymitch. Haymitch, who would have to step in front of a camera once the hospital released him, working with what they delivered right now and telling the public whatever Snow expected. Haymitch, who wouldn’t retire because none of them were allowed to retire. “District Twelve is special even now, it’s the only district with only one mentor. I remember a time when there would always be a district or two that would not be able to provide their own mentors at all. District Twelve was the most recent district without a district victor as mentor, actually, before Haymitch himself won the second Quarter Quell. Four years before, Twelve’s first victor, Swagger – he had died in a terrible accident, I remember…”

Oh my, I remember reading that part and taking so long to process the actual meaning of it with regards to Haymitch’s situation because I was too busy thinking ‘OKAY THIS IS IT FINNICK IS MOVING’. Which is entirely not supposed to be the only point of the scene (and it definitely isn’t as soon as you spare even a second to remove the shipping goggles) but well. It’s be untruthful to pretend like that didn’t happen ^^’

“Oh, of course.” Flickerman shook his head sadly. “He fell and broke his neck, I believe…”

“Yes,” Mags agreed with a nod of gratitude, although the way Finnick had been told the story, Shane “Swagger” March had fallen and broken his neck only insofar that he had kicked away the chair he had been standing on, a noose wrapped around said neck. “Swagger had died, so Lyra Ingram from District Two moved to Twelve as substitute…”

Okay I’d quote the entire exchange about past Victors who mentored for Twelve in a more or less temporary fashion but that would make for waaaay too big a quote-block. That being said, having Finnick’s fact-checking commentary to rely on is both painful and invaluable. It’s a much more knowledgeable pov than Katniss’ because contrary to her, Finnick has insider knowledge. He’s been doing this long enough to have learned the truth, a bullet which Katniss dodged in canon. It also works to make the reader dislike (ha) the Capitol on a much wider level than Katniss’ pov initially does. A lot of the deaths she acknowledges (or speculates about, though with very little risk of error) are abstracts at first. In her first game, Rue is the only kid Katniss really cares about aside from Peeta. Later, we start with Seneca Crane, then the old man from Eleven, and then the deaths get progressively closer to home.

But here with Finnick, they already are hitting home. Not just because every Victor who died knew Mags and/or him directly, but because every instance of this is a reminder that Finnick is only one displeased president away from being the next on the list of suicides and/or suspicious accidents.

“So was there a call for mentors and they volunteered?” It took Finnick a second to recognize his own voice, because he hadn’t known he would open his mouth before he heard himself say the words. This wasn’t really supposed to be his show. Uneasily, he sat up in his chair, the cameras all on him now, while he spoke on, the words still just tumbling out of his mouth. “How did it work? Were they just chosen?” In the corner of his eye, he could see the other victors’ eyes turning towards him briefly when they wondered about his angle.

“Now Finnick, that would be quite cruel,” Flickerman laughed. “Forcing a victor to move to another district and leave their loved ones behind just like that.”

Finnick forced an unconcerned smile on his face, shrugging it off. “Seems to me like it would be a great honor,” he replied, half automatically, following the victors’ cardinal rule – when in doubt, call it an honor. “I’m sure a lot of victors would be greedy for the opportunity.”

Look at the gears already turning in Finnick’s head! Of course he’s good at split second decisions and rapid thinking under pressure. Even Annie, who Katniss describes as having only won her games through luck (which is only true insofar as any Victor only gets there thanks to a number of favorable conditions) wouldn’t have survived the flooding of her arena if she hadn’t been able to make good decisions while swimming, and Finnick made a lot of these good decisions at fourteen, there’s no reason to think he’d have lost the ability now at twenty-one.

It hurt Finnick to see, knowing [Mags] was trying to help him out before he could do something stupid. But he didn’t want to be stopped. He suddenly really didn’t want to be stopped.

Honestly it kind of hurts to picture what could be going through Mags’ head at this moment, too. She’s got a wife and children with her in Four. She managed to build herself a family that, presumably, helped her to keep going. Most likely, several other Victors have found similar solace in their families. It makes sense for them to think Finnick’s family would have the same sort of positive impact on him, but that’s not where Finnick is coming from. And since he never told people about his problems with being in Four (and can’t very well explain it now) it makes sense that they’d be scared shitless for him when the previous victors’ moving could only have been punishments.

(Because of course it is. No one moves out of their district unless specifically instructed to, and Snow simply doesn’t do gifts, let alone gifts that would potentially allow people to form unmonitored inter-districts connections when his whole system relies heavily on keeping each district in the dark as to what its neighbors do.)

Oh course, Finnick plays the audience like a fiddle. Even in canon, if you think about it, his particularly infamous reputation as a heartthrob is already evidence that he knows how to maintain his image, and the later revelation that he ‘gets paid’ in secrets is also indicative of his knowing exactly how important presentation is...so really, it’s not that surprising, even if it takes him a couple minutes to get the audience around to his point of view.

What I am a little more surprised by is this:

Because any victor, given the chance, would have taken the opportunity to run away.

I don’t know if this is me misreading things but it sounds to me like that isn’t quite as absolutely true as Finnick makes it sound. Certainly he would take any opportunity to run away that didn’t get his family killed, but I’m not sure everyone else would, not when there’s already of history of what happens if you fail as a guest mentor—as well as what happens if you succeed too much, as well.

It was only in moments like this anymore that he felt like his body was his own, starkly aware of how it still was such a powerful weapon, how he could still use it to kill if need be even seven years after he’d won.

Very consciously, he drew a breath and released it again like he would before he attacked.

Chaff was throwing him a sharp look, his face guarded now – the expression of a tribute suspecting that his alliance was falling apart.

Oh yeah. You know how Katniss and Finnick took one look at the Capitol streets in Mockingjay and declared the 76th Hunger Games open? Yeah. This is an extension of that, in that the games never really end for anyone (in some ways, they never really start, either, you just go from a nameless pawn in Snow’s machinery to a named, visible and important piece).

It’s also the first hint we get of Finnick, in some respect, regretting his days in the arena, which doesn’t make sense until you realize Finnick (or Victors in general) never had as much control on his own fate as he did during the Games. Back then, it was up to him to figure out how to survive, to be quick enough to kill before he got killed. It’s tragic and horrible to think, but Finnick was empowered in the arena in a way that he isn’t here, because he can’t do anything without having to worry about a heap of very literally life-or-death problems.

Like I said, this is the first hint of that, and I didn’t pick up on it until later but honestly when I did it made so much sense to me, and it’s a pleasure to see the seeds of that particular thread sowed this early in the story.

“Finnick,” Mags said softly, reaching up to take his face into both of her hands. “Finnick, lad, what did you just do?”

Instead of replying, Finnick closed his eyes and turned his head away.

Never again, he thought. Mags, his parents, Keanu and Perri – his older brothers who both looked at him as if he’d gone Capitol – Coral, his kid sister who was of Reaping age now and slowly figuring out what exactly it meant when he was shown with all those movie stars and politicians on the television. All these people who meant so much to him that it hurt to think about. Soon, he would never have to look at any of them ever again. So he had become … he’d become that man, so what… at least his family wouldn’t have to see it.

They’d never learn his secrets, how fucked up he’d become. The things he thought about when he was alone at night, waking up from those dreams he’d never told anybody about.

Oh, Finnick. He’s so ashamed of his own trauma and the way it presents itself, and I mean it’s not like it’s all that surprising because trauma is an ugly beast at the best of time, filled to the brim with things that don’t make sense and illogical reactions all around...having to live with it under scrutiny, surrounded by people who don’t get it (at best) or judge you for it (at worst, though I don’t remember Finnick’s family being confirmed to go one way or the other) and don’t really have the means to help even if they want to, honestly just makes tings worse. I suppose it’s time I brought my ‘blanket burrito’ moments count up to two.

“No,” Mags replied sadly behind him. “I wish you had been allowed to be, though.”

Thanks for breaking my heart, Mags. And then, of course:

President Snow wanted a word.

#My Posts #Hunger Games #Spin Control #princess nell #trovia #Matt reads #LR: Spin Control

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otakusapien · 6 years

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@tedkordisanasshole has a thing for archeologists and a thing for Justin Lazarus, so I present to you: Archeologist Justin Lazarus AU.

Except he’s not an actual archeologist. He’s like a Buzzfeed/History Channel version who goes around telling people about Atlantis and treasure hunting and promoting conspiracy theories.

He knows it’s all bunk and BSes everything.

Justin does not have a real archeology degree, but he is self taught and knows what he’s talking about, when he’s not making it up on the spot.

He’s pretty exploitative and has guests on the show he gets to talk about local legends and alien abductions and is really manipulative with their emotions for the camera.

Justin goes too far with the wrong people at one point (either by ticking off some investors or humiliating someone on camera, likely with some manipulative editing) and they hire a law firm and a private investigator

Enter Nathaniel. He and Mark get hired by this ticked off party to see if there’s any grounds for fraud or anything else illegal they can catch Justin on to shut him down.

Nathaniel watches some episodes when he gets the case and dislikes Justin almost immediately. He’s far too smarmy and seems super fake right off the bat. (”Here’s proof aliens built Stonehenge!” give him a break)

Nat detests this kind of reality show as it is, but offering a woman who thought her children were abducted by aliens hope and trying to back it up with ‘evidence?’ That’s just cruel.

(He looked into it to see if his guests were fakes, but this one was very real. There are articles about her claims dating back years before Justin was on the scene)

Meanwhile Nathaniel has been living a pretty quiet, normal life. Because it’s not 1870 anymore, he and Tony were legally married and he is a widower. He was able to mourn openly and take a few days leave (though not much, his bosses sent him right back to work), and therapy exists now, so his healing process has been better, but he’s still grieving.

Justin and Nathaniel’s first impressions of each other are much the same, but Mark and several cameras are there now so they have fewer private moments.

Justin thinks having them around for an episode shoot is a great idea, as long as they agree to be on camera and participate some so he can ‘address all the non-believers’ and he’ll get something out of it, too

Mark isn’t giving Justin anything, but he sees weak spots in Nathaniel he can provoke for good reactions. Also he’s cuter which means more fun to work on.

He picks a fight at one point and gets Nat to yell at him, which is GREAT for TV and Justin is love pissing off a skeptic, but Nat goes and ruins it by apologizing and being very sincere.

Justin finds out about Tony at some point and this is a golden opportunity. His brain is already formulating a story about Nathaniel the lawyer, stiff and angry, only to reveal he has a soft center and a tragic past that made him the cold skeptic that he is

Except Nathaniel doesn’t want to be in any more of the show than he has to and would never let himself talk about it after he lost control the first time

So Justin does a thing. He gets a hidden camera on his person and goes to talk to Nathaniel “alone” one night. He gets Nathaniel to talk about Tony, what happened, his feelings...and they may end up talking about Justin, as well.

Justin grew up on the streets, and even though he was interested in archeology he could never afford proper schooling even if he wanted a degree. He taught himself and said screw you to all the snobs who said that wasn’t good enough, no matter how much he proved himself.

He needed to eat, so he started doing trashier, more out there stuff (though Justin watches his language, he knows there’s a camera)

Eventually his show started picking up and it was not only paying the bills but making him semi-famous. He kept doing more of the show, building it up, because he was good at it and it kept his foster kids fed

but at some point he realizes he’s not sure if he still likes it. or himself.

Nathaniel is very impressed at Justin’s self-education and raising his foster kids alone on top of all the work he does, and as scummy as it is, he IS good at his work

Nathaniel is also very kind and sympathetic and Justin is kinda mad that Nathaniel’s such a good person and being so nice to him

“How dare you be somewhat wonderful”

He gets the tear filled confession from Nathaniel he wanted, and it’s the perfect thing to round out his otherwise boring and fruitless treasure hunt episode.

In the end, he can’t bring himself to add it and dramatically deletes the footage while looking at it sadly.

On Mark’s end, Justin doesn’t leave much of a trail to follow in his line of work, and his finances all check out, but he is interested in checking in on guests after Nat complained about him exploiting people. Someone lying to get on a reality show is nothnig new and not Justin’s fault, but if they can prove Justin fabricated an expert or lied to someone, they could get him on fraud or at least damage his reputation. (I know nothing about non-homicide related legal stuff, don’t @ me.)

He decides to look into that alien abduction woman Nathaniel mentioned, because if she’s legit but Lazarus screwed her over, that’s their best leverage

But it kinda turns out...Justin might have been the best thing to happen to her

Mark watches every single episode and compares info on this woman and realizes some of the background bits and pieces are connected. Every once in a while after that episode, he’ll be at a location or talking to a person that doesn’t say anything weirder than usual on the show, then when you look them up have an interesting connection

Long story short, Justin helped this woman get out of a cult

I know I know, a bit OOC, but let’s say being more financially stable and living in a time where he’s more knowledgeable about how damaging these things are made him feel more guilty about just leaving her

He left that episode feeling like something wasn’t right, so he decided to follow up with some connections while he made his episodes just in case. He wasn’t sure or invested enough to make it his focus, so he’d just film in places he wanted to check out or get people on the show, claiming it was for other reasons.

More than one expert he talked to on the show specilized in deprogramming and getting people out of cults

At some point Justin sent them her way after finding enough evidence these people were dangerous and they got her out

This woman had basically been brainwashed into thinking there was no point in looking for her children because they had been abducted. A lot of cults are super into alien abduction, I honestly would not be surprised

At this point, Mark is too far down the rabbit hole to care about the fraud stuff and gets to work tracking down this woman’s probably murdered children

and eventually finds her twins, Pen and Greta, alive and well

Nathaniel is really surprised by the whole thing and doesn’t know how to react beyond, “Holy crap I was not expecting this today.”

Mark convinces Justin to get ahold of his old contacts/threatens him not to make this into an episode and the twins get to reunite with their mother BECAUSE I SAY SO AND THEY DESERVE TO SEE HER ONE MORE TIME, DANGIT

Justin laments that this would have made really good TV, but he realizes his minor investigation to help abduction lady aka Emmaline Godfrey was more fulfilling than the last year or two of his show.

Mark is impressed he managed to get her out and hidden until now, and even though Justin’s probably super guilty of fraud they can’t find solid enough evidence, so their work is done, but maybe Justin can give him a call if he’s interested in a career change

And now that there’s no conflict of interest, Nathaniel thinks maybe Justin can give him a call? If he’s done committing fraud and encouraging flat earthers that is

Justin is looking forward to the prospect of work he likes with someone who is also self taught, and possibly a real date with Nathaniel and not a fake confessional with a camera. He thinks it over and eventually starts planning the farewell episode with his kids.

#justin lazarus #this got real long #i also may or may not have been listening to a cult podcast before i started this so make of that what you will

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willspoemsforliving · 6 years

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SUICIDE: Is it a Sickness or a Choice?

SUICIDE: IS IT A SICKNESS OR A CHOICE? June 2018 As so often happens, with our attention spans constantly shrinking, the media competition requires we be drawn into every event that occurs during any given day. The consequences of this have been discussed at length elsewhere, and are well known – though we appear to be doing absolutely nothing to correct this growing threat to any continuity in our society. I mention the media as it brought to our collective attention - like it or not - the suicide this week of two relatively engaging, but frankly minor celebrities. Two suicides in this group doesn’t really merit the “Breaking News” headline. In fact, an argument could be made that it is vulgar and a sign of disrespect for the concerned individuals that such a fuss was made about it. But since no one seems to care much about discretion or propriety anymore, the issue that does deserve our attention and which relates to both these individuals, is not so much them, but their suicide. Suicide has been rejected in most Judeo-Christian-Islamic cultures as a sin, essentially taking from God the life he gave us, without his permission. In many pre-Christian, indigenous cultures, ritual suicide was widely viewed as a generous act designed to either placate an angry god or ensure his benevolence going forward. A prized citizen would be called upon to sacrifice their lives for the collective good. So, it would be an error to start from the premise that suicide has always been something to be avoided by all cultures. There are other instances when individuals find themselves in situations where they are left with a choice – to save themselves or others. Military heroes have committed a form of suicide and are honored for it. Parents can find themselves in situations where they say, and may indeed execute, on their willingness to give their lives for that of their children or spouse. Religious martyrs are another example, interestingly elevated to sainthood by the very institution which forbids sacrificing oneself – unless the sacrifice is designed to benefit the sanctioning institution. So, it becomes obvious that once again, our penchant for oversimplification has resurfaced. It is quite possible that our societal aversion to suicide may reflect our endemic narcissism, and the culture of self-gratification which has replaced any notion of self-sacrifice, manifesting itself in an exaggerated sense of self-worth along with a similarly exaggerated sense of fragility. Governments usually disapprove of suicide, as it does abortion and euthanasia., some even going so far as to view contraception as somehow contravening God’s law. In my view, governments want order, and suicide is the ultimate rebellion of a citizen. It also reflects poorly on the statistical record of an administration if suicides are on the rise. Interestingly, to better control the population, and any penchant a segment may have for suicide – often due to external circumstances related to diverse forms of hopelessness – the issue has been medicalized. And once this has been accomplished, suicide becomes a form of preventable disease, treatable with different forms of behavioral and pharmaceutical therapies. Lost in this wave of official good intentions, is the very reason why an individual has arrived at a state of despair such that leaving this world appears to be a more attractive option than remaining in it. Even if explored, it is done superficially for questions of cost, collaboration and demand. Of course, there are serious interests at stake here, including careers, huge sums of public and private money, institutions, insurance companies, social services, prevention services, philanthropic organizations, researchers, public health officials, and the list goes on. Their goal is, of course, to provide assistance. But as often happens in this area, the goal becomes as much the development of the institution as the assistance they may provide. In my early days as a psychotherapist, I had a patient who was referred to me by a neurologist for chronic depression. She was a school teacher, in her fifties, born in harsh and rural circumstances, with an extremely cold and terrifying father who banished all forms of affection, tenderness, warmth from her life. Education allowed her to escape her family, and she became a primary school teacher in a small city not far from where she grew up. She had become a lesbian – not surprising given the forbidding nature of the men she was exposed to – though an immature, quite naïve and idealistic one. Central to her problem was the face that all forms of pleasure had been excised from her life, and though she missed closeness, joy, connection, and could talk about their absence, she was incapable of forming any mature relationship. When I first met her, the friendship she had shared with a fellow teacher over a number of years had come to an end, as my patient wasn’t able to step out of her impossible fantasy of unrequited love, and into some form of reality where a reciprocal friendship could develop. I saw her for about two years, and she was a reliable participant – at least in terms of keeping her appointments. But beyond that, all forms of constructive thought were simply not available to her. And though we discussed this at length, and she was fully aware of the problem, her identity had become so entwined with a self-image based on poverty, frustration, absence of pleasure, unrequited love, that for her to change, her entire life story would have to be rewritten. Her early life experience had become her destiny, a self-fulfilling prophesy from which she simply could not free herself. To do so would erase her identity, her sense of self as all suffering, deserving of nothing. And the prospect of that was more frightening than any other. She was self-aware enough to realize this, and pragmatic enough to see that at her age, with her attitude, experience, and almost happily failing health, there were to be no second acts for her. What she believed from the start was now manifest, opening the door to the next step. The question then became what were they? Since continuing to suffer as a reason for her existence was achieved, it appeared on an exit could offer her to affirmation and freedom life had denied her. Why, you might wonder, continue? I felt at the time that I was a source of fresh air for her, and that it kept her going. And as long as she continued to come, I believed that she had not yet eliminated all options for herself. Rather abruptly, she disappeared. I became concerned, tried calling her, all to no avail. After a short while, I contacted the neurologist who had referred her to me, who was also my friend, to alert him to the situation, and ask his opinion as to the opportunity of alerting the police to this possible suicide. His attitude was more detached, more rational than mine. In essence, he said that she was never going to change, that the purpose of her life had been set, and it was to be perennially unhappy. She knew this too. So, from his perspective, and he articulated it in unmistakable terms, if she was so inclined, and had no further desire to endure her existence, then suicide might be, in fact, the best solution. I was taken aback by this, caught up in the collective mindset that all suicides must be prevented – but never questioned how valid this assumption was. For her to kill herself would be a failure of mine - or so I thought at the time. But the real failure was not to see what she was really doing - tying off loose ends, getting ready for her exit - on her terms.. Other authors have raised this issue in more depth than I will do here, and some have come to a similar conclusion as my neurologist friend. There may indeed come a time in a person’s life when hope can cannot be renewed, when continuing becomes the irrational choice, if we manage to see things from their perspective. Our own fear of death gets in the way of understanding that for those for whom life is more a burden than a source of any form of pleasure, our fear is no longer theirs. The obvious question then becomes, by right can our blindness to their true suffering empower us to deprive them of what has always been missing, but can be found in that final moment of affirmation? As we know, most first attempts are calls for help. But for those who choose a definitive, infallable answer, should we not consider their point of view as being at least, if not more, valid than our own. Of course help should be offered whenever asked for. And prevention can be most effective in children and adolescents whose character is insufficiently formed to withstand external events which may be overwhelming for a time. But there are others whose very life set them on a course where they never had a chance to find their place in this world. Where every effort met with defeat (or so it seemed to them), and where for reasons clear to any who care to really acknowledge the suffering, the struggle these people endure for years with little to no respite is indeed heroic in the same way as military heroes choosing their own end to save others, martyrs who die for a greater purpose, saints who give their lives for God - the list is long. There comes a time for these people when all strength fails them, when the prospect of another day in their lives is unbearable, and putting an end to their lives at the time, the place and in the manner they chose, can be completely liberating. The problem comes from the outside, where because we fear our own death, we think we are protecting our own by forcing others to live. The medical profession has embraced the mental health perspective, where every life should be saved, no matter the cost, not to society, but to the individual. It can be, for the concerned individual, worse than a life sentence in prison, for at least there, they would know where they belong. You can prop them up, solve all their practical problems, and still, their sense of self is so closely tied to defeat, that suicide can become the only salvation. Are these people sick? Should they be obligated to be medicated so that whatever life force they may still have is suppressed so the strength required to end their lives with some dignity is taken from them. And the final statement whereby they decide where, how and when they will leave what, for them, has always been a vail of tears is denied. I have published a book recently, available on Amazon.com, addressing this issue from the perspective of a very personal experience with a young man I tried to help. If you want to see exactly what I mean, under which circumstances someone can reach a point where either madness or suicide will rescue them from their daily hell, you might want to read it. * In closing, Think about some of the arbitrary positions societies have taken in its own self interest. Consider the suffering, often in silence, some individuals are called upon to endure, and through no fault of their own. Feel their plight, a condition where they have struggled all their lives, to no avail, and finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Is if really for others to define an individual’s right to finally claim their own dignity, freedom, and ability to choose? Should we go so far, be so consequential, as to offer these people an infallible, humane way to leave this world? I’m not sure, for to do so, would institutionalize the decision, impose evaluations, consultations, regulations, and a burdensome administrative process which would remove all dignity and respect from the process. Just look at what we are doing with abortion clinics and Planned Parenthood in some states. Is there an easy answer? In a sense, yes. Help whenever requested, whenever needed, and not just in the moment. Rare is a brief push sufficient, and to set someone already on the way down to a new failure is beyond cruel. But I don’t believe it is either humane or even right to stigmatize what may be a final act, and not as desperate as we portray it, of self-affirmation. Insofar as no one chooses one’s own destiny, if the cards one has drawn offer only a losing hand, how is it unreasonable or some sign of mental illness (debunked by the latest statistics which suggest that 54% of suicides have no record of any mental health issue, though rejected by the prevention community as misleading), to realize, being in full possession of one’s means, that it's time to pick up one's chips and leave the game? For good.

*THE LEFTOVERS OF GOD'S ANGER - The Chris Chronicles https://www.amazon.com/s?field-keywords=leftovers+of+God%27s+Anger

#Psycholgoy #Suicide #Psychotherapy #Mental Health #Mental Illness #A choice #Individual Right to Die

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ezatluba · 3 years

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Pandemic Pet Therapy: What's So Special About A Critter Friend?

November 22, 2020

Karen McCullough never wanted a dog. "It would have tied me down, and I had a great, very busy life," she says.

Her career as a keynote speaker at conferences has taken her across the U.S., Canada and Mexico. "My job is to get everybody engaged, excited and ready to network," she says.

McCullough loved the travel — "cool hotels and not worrying about having anything at home," she says. "I don't even have any live plants in the house." As she sailed into 2020, she expected her best year yet.

Then "BOOM" — everything stopped, including conventions and conferences. The pandemic "took my life away," she says.

Karen McCullough found a way to alleviate the loneliness that was starting to sink in. "Rosie has been like this magnet; she's attracting me to people and it's good."

Karen McCullough

Living alone in Houston, she started feeling the stress — anxious and worried about money. On top of that, she couldn't see her three grandkids who live nearby. "I'm such an extrovert and it's just been crazy and hard."

The surprising solution, for McCullough and many other Americans in 2020, was often furry, with four feet: a pet dog or cat.

First, her son and his wife adopted a puppy. McCullough decided to do the same, quietly hoping that if she got a puppy, the grandkids "would want to come and visit me in the front yard." On Labor Day, 8-week-old Rosie, a Wheaten terrier, arrived.

Rosie opened a new world to McCullough — within just a few blocks. Strangers became new friends. "I know all my neighbors now," she says. "We have a routine and she gets me out there; we walk three times a day!"

The loneliness that had started to sink McCullough as the pandemic wore on is gone. "Rosie has been like this magnet; she's attracting me to people and it's good."

And there's some science to back up McCullough's feelings. Research from Australia finds the "pet factor" does bring people together in helpful ways: Pet owners are more likely to get to know people, form friendships and get the social support humans need.

Psychologist Lori Kogan, a professor of veterinary medicine at Colorado State University and chair of the Human-Animal Interaction Section of the American Psychological Association, has been cataloging stories like McCullough's during the pandemic.

Kogan and colleagues from Washington State University, University of San Francisco and Palo Alto University did two anonymous online surveys via social media to current pet owners — one regarding cats and another asking about dogs. The surveys asked participants to share their thoughts, experiences and concerns amid the pandemic.

They found a significant number of people reported feeling they have less social support from friends and family now than before COVID-19 spread across the U.S. For many, their pets have played a critical role in helping reduce feelings of depression, anxiety, isolation and loneliness in these tough months.

Pets, Kogan says, are "a respite from the difficulties of life" and provide their human companions "an outlet to give." And while relationships with friends and family can be fraught, she says, "relationships with animals are simple."

Here are more stories of pet owners discovering animal companions can be the unsung therapists of these difficult times:

Get up and get moving: Dr. Gregory Brown and Kai

Dr. Gregory Brown is a psychiatrist in Austin, Texas, and a spokesperson for the American Psychiatric Association. Brown says he has been seeing an increase in anxiety, insomnia and depression among patients he has counseled in the past six months. "People are definitely dealing with economic stressors, a hard time with money, and with just being idle" — not getting out of the house much.

A dog "nudging at your foot or barking because they want to go for a walk" can be a real motivation every day to get out and get moving, he says. And that's good emotionally as well as physically. "We know physical activity can help reducedepression."

Kai has kept Dr. Gregory Brown out and about with a 6:30 a.m. wake-up call ... "when she's not busy eating up my wife's favorite pair of shoes."

Gregory Brown

Though Brown says he's a fairly active guy, he found the reduced structure of these pandemic days meant he was getting to bed a bit later, getting up a bit later and sometimes letting his exercise schedule slide.

Then, about a month ago, he and his wife decided to adopt a 10-month old golden retriever/lab mix named Kai. Now, every day starts with her wake-up bark around 6:30 a.m., returning some sense of structure to their lives.

And Brown says that he spends at least some time outside daily, jogging and walking and that helps make the days seem "a bit more normal."

"She's just been a joy to be around when she's not busy eating up my wife's favorite pair of shoes," he says.

Breaking through the isolation: Karol Kullberg and Molly

As a psychiatric social worker in Rockville, Md., Karol Kullberg has spent most of her work life in a small room, listening to patients face to face — work she finds rewarding and fulfilling, she says. When the pandemic hit, she was able to work from home — a blessing in some ways, but not others. Offering therapy online, via telehealth appointments, has been convenient, Kulberg says, but she also finds it isolating and somewhat alienating.

"It's intensely stressful — I think for everyone," she says. "Certainly for patients as well as therapists, who weren't particularly technologically adept or even comfortable using Zoom or other platforms."

Reading patients' facial expressions and body language can be more difficult she says, and without colleagues to talk to in between therapeutic sessions, "you're very aware that you are suddenly working in a vacuum." Kullberg doesn't say she's lonely. She says it's more like being "profoundly alone."

By the end of March when it became clear that staying at home would be the norm for quite a while, she decided to adopt a dog.

Enter Molly, a 5-year-old terrier mix who "came right into my home, was perfectly well-behaved, perfectly housebroken, and even welcomed my cat — who didn't return the favor."

For Kullberg, Molly was "like getting something you didn't know you missed; you forgot how wonderful it was to have something you didn't notice until all of a sudden it's there again."

She finds Molly an extremely comforting presence, "like having somebody's arm around your shoulder without having to say anything. Sort of like a dance partner you don't have to teach; they just figure it out."

Today, Kullberg says she no longer feels alone. "I get up in the morning and Molly curls up in her bed and we go to work."

A source of joy amid grief: Peggy Pacy & Emmet

"My glorious chow chow mix died at the end of January and I was heartbroken" says Peggy Pacy, who initially planned to let some time pass before getting another dog. But, "a heart needs to love," she says, "and I started looking."

At the end of February she adopted a large and fluffy Great Pyrenees mix — she named him Emmet. It was just before lockdown in Washington, D.C., where Pacy lives and works as an independent producer of commercials. Emmet arrived "just in time" says Pacy, who lives alone. "No question, it's very easy to go down the dark path in the world we're in today."

Early on in the pandemic, the first three minutes of every morning would start with a "mild panic" she says. But then a "giant white paw lands on my shoulder and I wonder if it is possible to literally feel serotonin," she says, referring to one of the neurotransmitters thought to help stabilize mood.

Emmet spends much of his time chasing flies, unearthing clothing Pacy had forgotten she owned, and making friends with neighborhood kids — just watching him is diverting, she says. "All day long the kids drop by and yell for Emmet."

Even in times of despair, Emmet makes a difference. "I'm standing in my front hall, lost in thought ... wondering if I will ever work again, if my small business loan will be approved, if I will have to sell my house. And then, gazing in the direction of my couch, Emmet decides that a long slow back flip to the floor is in order." His antics pierce the grief and remind her to stay in the moment, she says — " be grateful for what I have."

Pacy has a Post-it on her door that says: "I have health insurance; my cabinets are full of food; I have a home; I have Emmet. This makes me happy."

A new focus to replace anxiety: Devin Green and Taco

Taco has kept Devin Green busy and her anxiety at bay. "I'm consumed with him more than the worries in my mind."

Devin Green

Devin Green, a small business consultant and life coach, who lives in Portland, Maine, started looking for a dog to adopt in May. After many false starts, a close friend helped her find the dog of her dreams, a miniature goldendoodle (a cross between a golden retriever and a small poodle).

Taco has "changed my life in ways I never expected," says Green. As he grows, his puppy fur is getting replaced by adult dog fur which can get matted. So Green brushes him nightly, giving — and recieving — needed physical touch. "If I'm having a bad day, he's very warm and snuggly."

She sometimes struggles with anxiety, she says, and soothing the pup's needs helped her get beyond that. "I'm consumed with him more than the worries in my mind," she says. "My brain space is now taken up by something far more productive than it used to be."

Green says she used to panic a little if she didn't have plans for the day, but Taco has introduced her to the neighborhood and helped her feel more a part of the community. Every morning, they walk to the nearby fire station — a big loop, Green says. "The fire station is his favorite place."

Taco runs inside and "loves on all the firefighters and they love him back. I had never even spoken to any of them before but now we're all buddies."

Choosing the right pet for you: advice from the "falcon whisperer"

As executive director of the Abu Dhabi Falcon Hospital in the United Arab Emirates, veterinarian Dr. Margit Gabriele Muller is known as her nation's "falcon whisperer." But her love for animals is thoroughly inclusive. She is the author of a new book, Your Pet, Your Pill: 101 Inspirational Stories About How Pets Can Lead You to a Happy, Healthy and Successful Life.

A falcon wouldn't be the right choice for everyone, Muller notes. "Falcons are good for people who can be extremely dedicated, adhere to strict time schedules and have a great understanding of the falcons' special needs and requirements," she says, noting that dogs, too demand the right kind of human companion.

"It's of utmost importance to find the right pet according to the person's personality, as well as personal circumstances and environment," she says. "This means if you don't have much time and you live in a very small apartment, a dog is not suitable for your lifestyle, and a cat, bird, rabbit or fish would be better for you."

All pets — dogs, cats, fish, rabbits, birds, snakes and, yes, falcons — can help people overcome numerous emotional and physical challenges, Muller says. And certainly during the global pandemic, when people are feeling locked down, isolated and lacking in human connection, pets can make a world of difference.

Just playing with a pet for five minutes or petting the animal for five minutes can reduce blood pressure and increase hormones associated with contentment research suggests.

Oxytocin, sometimes called the "bonding hormone" or "cuddle hormone," is oftenreleased with a gentle touch. And it's not just humans who benefit from increased oxytocin levels — dogs do too.

When you develop a bond with an animal companion, Muller says, you often get someone who "loves you unconditionally, who is there for you 24 hours a day, who doesn't mind how you look today," she says. "They are just there to love you and this brings a tremendous benefit for the entire family."

Withdrawn kids may particularly benefit. One family, she says, told her their son was always on the computer or iPad before they brought home a pet. Now he doesn't stop talking — about the pet.

"Once you plant that seed in children and they love animals and learn how to care for them, they learn responsibility," she says — skills that will prove incredibly valuable as they grow up.

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