#which I havent really stuck to but like

[sheepydwagondraws]

Artfight Week 1

Been trying really hard to dedicate time to working on pieces for AF this year, and I'm really enjoying it! I love drawing silly little guys <3 I should do trades more after this is over lol

Featured Characters:

Hum, owned by @kowtownart

Vista, owned by @cupidtxt & Spammail, owned by me :3

Addision, owned by @gehega

Brandy, owned by Windwaken (on AF/dA/TH) & Spamton, owned by Toby Fox lol

Rocco, owned by @lighterium

Kelby, owned by @hannah--bug

#been trying to use this as an opportunity to improve my lineless stuff a little more #like I think I got it down for Spamton lol but for like other characters with different palettes #i think its been working well :) #and im actually super proud of how many ive done so far!!! #I was trying to do one a day if I could #which I havent really stuck to but like #I think I only did 6 the whole month last year so #now my goal is to beat the first year I played #I think I did like 13 #rendering was taking me soooo long.... which is really why ive switch to lineless tbh #i dont have the time and energy rn to commit to a drawing long enough to render it #but i think it works for this style so slay #aaaaanyway #sheepy post #artfight #artfight 2023 #artfight vampires #deltarune oc #addison oc #furry oc #anthro #idk what else to tag these tbh #eye contact #<- I guess? idk send an ask if you want smth tagged

[hella1975]

i need to read more books and annotate in the margins i need to write more i need to buy jeans that fit me i need to eat more fruit i need to buy good quality headphones i need to get a skincare routine i need to talk to my friends more i need to wash my hair i need to stop treating this inhabitation as a curse. i am tired of punishing the body that has fought me for survival every day for years. i deserve little treats as regularly as possible !!

#more money would also be good but! we are working on it <3 this is a team effort im bored of being in a perpetual bar fight with myself #like sorry i havent answered my texts in months or barely sustain personal hygeine but that bitch (points at mirror) chucked a drink at me #it's okay tho we are in our enemies to lovers arc #just had a really vivid sudden 'i am in this body' moment and let me TELL you when you spend 90% of the time feeling a very #set seperation between your emotional self and physical self that is INCREDIBLY fucking jarring lmao. like oh this is me #the freckles on my fingers are just as much me as my years long loyalty to specifically prawn cocktail pringles. okay #that's cool. cool cool cool that's so cool so everything that's happened to me physically is still me okay cool #coooool cool cool. super cool btw. very angry for myself rn which never happens i normally just get angry at myself #LIKE THIS IS MY BODY! WHY DO I HAVE TO DRINK IT INTO BED AND HURT IT FOR NO REASON! WHY DO I LET PEOPLE GET AWAY WITH SO MUCH! #'i'll take care of you it's rotten work especially to me especially if it's you i'll do it but christ alive' except it's me and my body #like yeah im not happy about it bossman but we're stuck together. let's get you some nice clothes

[chryblossomjjk]

...

#first therapy session went well ! #i didn't cry which is v surprising lol #maybe bc we didnt go too in depth about things but #therapist already picking up on things i didn't like #never really thought of myself as an anxious person #depression was more so what stuck out to me #but like therapist was like bestie... u sound more anxious than ur perceiving #like i put that i don't struggle with social anxiety bc generally in a group of people im pretty outgoing #but like my coping skills are isolation lol #and i often turn down invitations bc of my insecurities #and in general just hate being perceived despite wanting it #like i literally havent answered any asks on here in months bc #im afraid of what people think of me #and im scared of interaction #but im also dying for human connection lol :')) #i also avoid men completely bc trauma so yeah #and it all stems from a deep deep belief that i am not worthy of love n wOw im sad but like we can only go up from here right :')) #LMAO SORRY THAT THIS IS WHAT MY BLOG HAS BECOME BUT #idk this is my diary fr #anywho sorry for everything #will most likely delete all these rants bc its embarassing lol but #love you all #and im so sorry for not answering the asks #thank you for reading my fics #your comments mean sm to me truly #love you endlessly

[ff2-soda-pop]

I'm starting to question if I should even bother with the stupid paper.... I'm probably just gonna fail anyways lmao

#ive been running around stuck on Babysitter Duty for the past three days and the teacher only gave us any instructions on thursday yet #somehow expected a full paper done and edited by sunday. even if i wasnt stuck on babysitter duty she'd get a shitty paper just due to how #little TIME that is to get things done. but because i am on babysitter duty uhhh..... well so far there's no paper #ive been spending practically full days having to take care of my sister and i cant just Ignore Her so i havent done my paper while watchin #her because again: my focus needs to be on Her. and shes incredibly loud which makes it super hard to focus. fun combo /s #so i was like 'i'll just stay up Really Late and do it then' but that hasn't worked because my sister WONT GO TO BED if im awake. i was up #until 4am last night hoping she'd fall asleep and shut up and i could work but Nope! #and then i got too tired to even care anymore #i've tried explaining this to others and they're just like 'ok well you just need to find a way to make it work :/' which is very much #easier said than done! and im scared about this paper because this teacher doesnt accept late work at all for pretty much any reason #and im sure she wont understand my situation. because shes also the teacher that didnt understand that i didnt have the textbook on time #because it was still being shipped and i dont control the rate at which book ships and she was like #'..........okay well you still need to have the book by tomorrow at least <3' when i told her the book had Just shipped and idk when i'd ge #the dumb thing. so yknow i dont have high hopes about this #also just as extra 'make stuff more difficult' i have zero accommodations because my mom cant keep track of my fucking IEPs and they wont #let me have accommodations unless i have that and idk how to get a copy anymore. so i've also been running around with no help in that area #and it's not great </3 #idk im just stressed out and frustrated and i Want To Cry :) #vent

[kohakhearts]

well folks its been a good two months of denial but i am finally ready to admit that the reason everything sucks is because of major depression relapse. if i werent so depressed id make this everyone elses problem by projecting it on to blorbo but alas

#taylor.txt #incapable of making this not a joke but i do have to say it kinda sucks #like obviously ive never been 100% free of my depression probably on account of it developing when i was a Child and then not getting any #treatment or even really any sympathy for until i was in my late teens but. BUT. even my historic mental breakdown 2 years ago didnt really #feel like depression. like yeah i was sad and hopeless but this is very different. sad and lethargic more so. simply too tired to be lost i #despair. which is i guess a good thing because it means its easier for me to fix. its just that right now im kinda stuck in it #i dont know if id say ive experienced major depression since my first year of uni #thats why ive been denying it all this time despite it being pretty…glaringly obvious #anyway. good news is im meeting with the prof of one of the classes im currently failing this week #and now i guess i kind of have an idea of what to tell her because all this time ive been struggling and i havent understood why #the content makes sense. i understand whats going on. but my memory has gotten so bad recently and the energy required to do my assignments #has been way too much. and im past my limit on that at this point unfortunately. like yeah shes probably gonna tell me well that sucks but #theres nothing i can do to save your grade and thats fine but at least i know even if it was a Me Problem that i let myself get depressed #again in the first place being actively depressed is a major barrier that i at least know isnt 100% me being an idiot with a bad attitude #i will struggle to the finish line but i will make it there. even if i fail a class or two in the process #and regardless of if it gets better i will finally go see my therapist again in the new year </3 something obviously led to this so whos to #say it wouldnt happen again if i just let that fester. whatever it is #also writing has been tough for the same reason school has been tough but its still happening and i will do more of it when school is over #i PROMMY

[omgcatboi]

Very stressed, what's new.

#i can feel myself getting bad again #i havent rememberd what it was like without my psyc meds and its REALLY BAD #but I don't have the money to refill them or anything and i dread going to crisis care in a new state in a new hospital I know nothing abou #i really need my medication #i had to loan 50$ from cashapp AGAIN this week and im so upset at myself for not being able to afford #the things i need #my depression is getting worse but whats really killing me is my paranoia and anxiety #i cabt describe it but having these episodes are not fun #its like my brain is going 145 on the interstate while my body is stuck going 50 which is as fast as it can go #someone please help #tw vent #vent

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#thats me in the corner. thats me in thr spotlight. rocking from side to side and not contributing to the conversation #which is to say. i made it to thr lab get together with an old lab mate. i really truely did not think i would #i was like 20min late bc of the crying and hyperventilating over a 6min drive down the road #i sorta freaked out while driving too. and almost turned around. its just that i kno i havent been sleeping enough and got overwhelmed #but i made it there. and i dont think i looked like id been crying but i probably looked a bit blank faced and miserable #as i rocked from side to side for like 2hrs listening to ppl talk. i enjoyed it exactly as much as i expected. it was good to see the guy #again but i just dont connect in group gatherings idk. im glad its done. also fucking we were sitting there and a group comes in and whos #in that group?? someone i have avoided seeing for like a loooong time. the guy who tried to be in a relationship with me back when i 1st #started as a grad student. i say relationship. i was explaining to him why i couldnt do any sort of romantic e tanglement and he was very #firm abt not wanting a relationship. and im like bro im explaining u why no romanticly adjacent thing is gonna work. u literally asked me #to physically hold ur hand thru this. u r somehow more emotionally invested in this than me and also are telling me that u just wanna fuck #me. so like u r not slick. whatever. it was so fucking stressful at the time. which i feel bad abt bc it wasn't really his fault #i was just less self aware so i didnt kno i have bad awareness in the moment. like i dont kno a lines been crossed until a week later when #im laying on thr floor falling apart. so like i wish him the best. didnt kno he was still around. hopefully this doesnt trigger stress #dreams. all this to say i was very fucking tense. and when i got back in my car i was like shaky and panting lol #idk looking back its just such a weird situation with that dude. if i was anyone else it woudlnt have been a big deal but #my brain just doesn't process physical touch right. so now ive got these horrible touch memories that like on paper r literally nothing #but for me they were so unfathomablly awful when i 1st aquired them. i literally could not deal with any romantic stuff for like a month #bc it would like trigger me. now thst its been like 3 years its not bad tho. just like gives me thr ick but i dont get #stuck in the memories too much. its so dumb. whatever. point is im all sore now from sitting all tense haha #unrelated

[cheddar-baby]

thinking about this dude who i was in a skype group with back when i was like 16 who did these weird second life sermons about life and he'd talk for hours and hours. He loved doing talks about like bdsm and would constantly quote bible verses at you. You'd ask him to talk about something in the skype call and he would just go on a whole rant about it. In such a specific tone like he was giving you a ted talk. I remember one day he showed us some song he made cause i guess he was a country/folk singer too. And it got stuck in my head for years. Its not even that great of a song i just think of "doo doo doodle do do do"

and im just like man what ever happened to this dude lol. I hope hes still somewhere on second life giving sermons. He was only in our group for a few months but he was a really interesting person.

#one of my former friends in that group was friends with shoenice #and nyanners when she was just starting out i think #it was a very interesting group of people #one guy in there stuck a carrot up his butt infront of everyone on a whim #one guy was really into MLP and he sent one girl in the group a dick pic and it revealed his room was head to toe decorated with garfield #i havent talked to any of them in like a decade now which is probably for the best lol #Youtube #SoundCloud

[pepprs]

ok i took a nap sorry for miseryposting

#purrs #i don’t feel better per se but i do feel less angry so i think that’s good. but i did have a fucked up and disturbing dream so now im #focused on that a little bit but it’s whatever. i think i just feel stuck in my life and overwhelmed rn but i have to be gentle with myself #and okay with accepting outcomes that are compromises even if i really don’t want to. but idk. i have to think on it more. and i wish i felt #less lonely bc i KNOW i am not it’s just i have no emotional object permanence and i keep dismantling all my inoculations and then crying #out for more inoculations and i don’t know how to stop. and now im getting upset again typing this so I’m going to stop even though i havent #gotten to the end of my thought yet and like reblog some things or watch a video idk. i really need to find a counselor and speaking of #which i feel like someone told me lately (on here probably and ididnt reply im sorry) that my counseling place should give me referrals to o #other places and they didn’t and maybe it’s bc i told them i was taking a break from counseling but i am kind of like 😐😑. but i’ll figure it #out and find someone. i think there’s a thing i can do through work i just have to gather the spoons to actually do it and i spent all of th #them on the drivers manual today. also i read like half the drivers manual today! which is something to acknowledge. ok im done now bye

[dogesterone]

I've been home sick all day and while I was napping I had a weirdly vivid dream.

Elaboration under the cut.

This is Kasi ("Kah-zie"). Or more accurately, it's a painting of Kasi. Or, more more accurately, it's my best effort at a reproduction of a painting of Kasi that was in the dream I had.

Kasi is the Queen of Bugs, Creator of Life, and Spirit of the World. Normally, she appears to people as a tall, slender, pale woman covered in gold jewelry, but her true form is this small, moth-like sprite creature. The vast majority of people only know her from her regal human form, and don't even know that it isn't her true form.

She lives in all places of the world, but her throne is in a grove of trees atop the White Tower: the tallest mountain in the world.

This painting can be found in the Castellan Lodge, a log-built manor on the lower slopes of the Tower. If you look at the lower half of the painting upside down, its perspective becomes your reality, and you find yourself being pulled through the night air towards Kasi's throne-grove at high speed.

There were a lot of other things in the dream, like competing factions of blue and orange, and golden-armored children of divinity caught in the middle, and the other gods of the world who seemed so much less important but so much more well-revered by humans, but for whatever reason, this painting and the spirit depicted in it stuck with me the most.

#art #i really don't know why this stuck with me so much #the dream as a whole actually kinda gave me elden ring vibes #which is funny because i havent played elden ring in months #but like. elden ring mixed with the region in colorado that my grandparents used to live in #so high fantasy but also rustic

[mrpsychokiller]

i just defeated a giant boss in 15 minutes i feel like it shouldnt be that easy was that a prank

#i am doing like so surprisingly well at this game #like i am on an easier difficulty and the scores i get at the end of the level are really shitty #i AM being capable of finishing the levels. which i was so worried i was gonna be stuck and never move on from a difficult one #but im hanging on! i find a difficult level i try again and eventually beat it. which is how games are usually supposed to work but i think #ive conditioned myself to just not think of myself as capable of difficult games. i am having so much fun #i havent been this hooked in PLAYING a game in so long #i dont get bored. i dont get frustrated. i dont get stuck for too long. i dont get distracted i just play for hours and hours on end #im losing my mind #🧃

[ff2-soda-pop]

I'm ngl, I'm not actually having as much fun with side order as I was expecting...

#I've been stuck doing the same shit since getting kicked out of the spire of order and 1) the levels are getting REALLY repetitive #2) I've done two boss fights since then but it feels like that's impacted nothing? so im just like. what was the point of that then #3) I keep getting splatted and sent back to the start. which wouldnt be a bad thing on its own but the main cause of almost all of them #is that I keep getting cornered and then a swarm of enemies larger then I can handle shows up and I can't get away (I've seen the camera #clip through the jelletons models SO MUCH) or I get swarmed while I'm busy trying to figure out what the hell I'm DOING #(example: lost track of infinity ball and was trying to find it again. yknow so i could COMPLETE THE OBJECTIVE) #and then it just doesn't even feel Fair anymore because like..... WHAT THE HELL AM I MEANT TO DO ABOUT THAT?? HOW AM I MEANT TO FIX THAT??? #also seriously i havent had ANYTHING happen since like. the tutorial. its just do the same shit over and over until i get too tired of it #which makes it all the more frustrating #like im sure i'll have fun again WHEN THINGS PICK BACK UP and im not doing the same thing over and over. but right now i am. #and it's not very fun. and i'd been doing that 'exact same thing with no feeling of progressions AT ALL' for literal hours #side order spoilers #splatoon spoilers

[headofhelios]

when i was a kid the idea of like surprise birthday parties was so like. idk i wanted it and it never happened but now its actually like. gonna happen to me but at a really really bad time when i am going to be very stressed and whatever the surprise thing is will probably make it worse so its like. hmm. early birthday gift of being nauseous with anxiety a month in advance

#my brother had good intentions telling me but also like. i have been tearing up all night and when i tried to explain my reservations to him #i just felt stupid so its. mm. this sucks #its also weird bc like. guuuhhgg i had a weird Thing a while ago that was apparently really bad i guess #so it feels like. idk. my mother trying to 'fix' that with this. so i feel like i cant say no to it #(especially bc she doesnt know i kinda know about it) #but its also like. well. when it happens i might really really freak out badly and that would ruin things for everyone. right. #kind of feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place here bc like i WANT to talk to my mother abt this but also again she doesnt know #that i know and i dont want her to be disappointed that my brother said something to me. even though i dont know what the surprise is #just that there is one planned #also in recent years ive realized i get i suppose anxious when people get me gifts i havent Asked for #so surprises like this arent really my thing anymore. i think when i was a kid i mostly wanted one bc in tv shows theres always a lot #of people there for it and i was a lonely child. #anyway i realize this is something of a stupid thing to complain about #in my defense i feel like a lot of things that should be 'about me' #(however self centered that sounds. it makes me wince to say trust me.) #are made to be more about other people namely my immediate family. #so like my gender isnt about me its about how my mother feels about it. and my birthday isnt about me its about other people celebrating it #again ik ik its a stupid complaint. just saying that because of that *points up* which ive been feeling for nearly 10 years now #its all a bit of a tender bruise. emotionally speaking. for me. #personal

[heart-of-the-party]

something possessed me today and i leveled 4 jobs simultaneously (rogue, marauder, gladiator and pugilist), i hit lvl 17 with all of them (just doing hunting logs+class quests) i think i’ll attempt to keep them all going till i get the job stones then slog through each of them one by one.

#i have so many classes stuck in the 60s #i really need to unlock bozja #i havent finished ivalice #i think lvling 1-25 is fun #then the 50s (bc hw dungeons) #i used to really like the 70s too bc shb dungeons but i feel a bit burnt out by now #which is why i want bozja #idk but my blm is finally 50 #im not enjoying it much tbh

[wickershells]

Sigh. vent time u know the drill

#i havent been sleeping well recently. and ive been losing a lot of daylight whenever i do #my brain feels all mush-like. i just cant think of the right words for anything. its like im dreaming #ive missed the deadline for applications so theres another year gone. im so stagnant my life is idle #ive never been more desperate for spring before in my life #i want to go places and see things because i am so miserable stuck here. so i tell myself it will change once i can leave #but i dont have money. and i cant keep a job being as unstable and sensitive as i am i need to get better first #but in order to get better i need to spend money that i dont have #i dont think i was supposed to be happy. i dont think life ever planned that for me #i know that is such a defeatist and ugly attitude to have but truly i am just so unhappy all the time and i have been for years #realistically speaking im never going to be able to keep myself afloat i dont know what to do with that #and im the loneliest ive ever been #i try reaching out and i meet nothing #i know how hard it is to love me which is why no one really does. and i dont say that to be self-pitying #im so incompatible with everyone i love even my own mother. i keep trying to stop being so sensitive but ive been trying to get thicker #skin my entire life and it has never worked. i am perpetually upset no matter how hard i try i dont think i was built to still be here #i convinced myself i wouldnt be and now i am and i dont know how to deal with that. so many things i never preserved or procured because #i figured i would be long gone by now. that was a bit silly of me. but now ive left myself nothing. im left with nothing #everything i had hoped for as a little kid is ruined now all because of me. i have irreparably destroyed my life i mean that #and i cant handle the inevitability of grief and its growing closer and closer as everyone gets older and older #which is why in an act of pure selfishness id rather let everyone else deal with it. in the nebulous sense #god i just. ive spent year after year trying to fix my life and nothing has worked. not even close #im trying not to believe that its futile but deep down i think i already do #well. whatever #mine

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Okay uh how do you prepare for an interview that's not like, your basic interview. This isn't a Walmart or McDonald's interview, with the same basic questions online that anyone can access. This is an important interview and I don't know how to prepare because there aren't example questions online. I had an interview for this organization last year, different branch tho, but my memory is a disaster so I can't really remember anything. Plus, that interviewer and this interviewer have very different energies. AND I have a different interview for that same organization, just a different branch, coming up too.

I made that confusing.

I'm applying for an organization with branches all over. Last year I interviewed for the California branch, but I can't remember much of it. On Monday I have an interview for a Pennsylvania branch, and on Wednesday an interview for... I can't remember where it is tbh.

The Pennsylvania one is the one that I really really want, so it scares me that it's the first one up. Do you know how long it's been since I've interviewed for a job? It's been *tries and fails to count months* idk like a year? And that was for Starbucks. Customer service jobs all recycle the same questions. "Tell me about a time you delegated. Tell me about a time you dealt with a difficult situation. If a customer was dissatisfied with their order, what would you do to fix it?" And at this point in time, customer service jobs are barely asking any questions. At one of my last jobs he just asked about my previous work experience, why I wanted to work there, how long I was looking to work there, he gave me a tour, asked if I wanted to work there, I said yes, I was hired on the spot.

I had an interview at one Starbucks and she told me they weren't really hiring (idk why she gave me an interview but it was still nice), but we talked about my ambitions and hobbies, which was lit, I found out the interviewer is gay, and I got a free drink. Then she recommended me to a different Starbucks in the area, which actually asked me those normal basic questions, I got a free drink, and I was hired on the spot. Those were my latest interview experiences.

I'm a little hopeful for my interview on Monday though. In the email, the interviewer said "I'd like to find a time to have a conversation with you as an "interview"" and since he phrased it like that I'm hoping that it'll be more like my first Starbucks interview, which is easy.

Idk I think I really want that job. It's a huge opportunity but also a huge commitment. It'd be a year, across the country from where I currently live. It sounds like an amazing opportunity for me. Last year when I applied I asked an old teacher to be a reference, and she said that it seemed like the opportunity and I were made for each other. Plus, this location is just an hour away from my sibling.

This post became a lot longer than I thought I would. Interview on Monday. Different interview on Wednesday. I don't know how to prepare for either. I really want the job. I am full of so much anxiety.

#I'm getting the anxiety shakes #Monday is going to be horrific #i have to wake up early (like 7:30am but normally Monday is a day i get to sleep in) #because the interview is at 9 and i have to do the interview over Google Meet #and i don't have wifi so i have to go to the local coffee shop to steal their wifi. i have to do this damn interview in a busy coffee shop #after that i need an emissions test. the place only does tests from 10 to noon #so after the interview i have to skedaddle to get an emissions test so i don't get pulled over again because my test is four months overdue #then i have to go so work!! i have to work from 3-11pm after all of that!! #i think i might actually die #seriously how do i prepare for this. i couldn't really prepare for the one last year either #i think i just showed up and hoped for the best #idek if i got hired because at the end she told me to email her within like two days if i changed my mind about working there #and i decided i didn't want to work there yet. so idek if i did well enough there to get hired #but now I'm pretty serious about wanting to work there. its terrifying but i think itd be good for me #i havent gone to college yet and the idea of starting is very scary. im not even sure if its the right path for me #but because i dont have any college it means that my aspirations are severely limited and kind of always will be #so im stuck in fast food and i hate it. i want to do something bigger with my life #this is something bigger and it doesnt require a college education #there are decent opportunities for someone without a college education but theyre. idk how to describe it #but things like americorps. ive looked into doing americorps which i dont really need college for. same with this opportunity #idk. im just trying to find something right for me. a job that doesnt suck my soul out. a job i can love #i dont want to feel stuck anymore. i want to have a purpose. but that purpose is a little harder to come by for me #i asked my current boss to be a reference and he said 'are you asking me to be a reference for a job thatll take you away from here?' #i replied 'is it really a job if i dont really get paid?' and he said 'fair enough' #i think he took that to mean that i would still work at this job. thats why i was vague. i dont want him to know i might be leaving yet #if i left it would be late January. hopefully he wont know im leaving until two weeks before i leave #im so nervous. is this even what i want? ill have to give up so much for it. and what if i dont get it? ill still be stuck here #im terrified. wish me luck. or dont. im not sure yet