#feel like depression. like yeah i was sad and hopeless but this is very different. sad and lethargic more so. simply too tired to be lost i | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

serenescribe · 10 months

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got tagged by @kimium in a music tag game here (thank you, kim!) and i figured i may as well get this post written before the next twst update drops tomorrow and permanently alters my brain chemistry q-q

rules: post 5 songs you actually listen to, and tag 10 of your followers/mutuals (except i def don’t have that many people to tag TT)

i freaking love music with all my heart and soul so uhh— time to tangent! under the cut. this got long. just scroll past if you didn’t follow me for this shit ahfndhgdgf

1. bathroom community by glass beach (pinkshift cover)

i stumbled upon this song earlier this year thanks to spotify (yes, i actually look at what they recommend! i need more songs!) and god. GOD. this song has held me in a choke hold since i first listened to it. i desperately want to create an oc from this song, or a story of some sort; the story it paints with its lyrics just has so much goddamn potential for a character.

i love singing this song, even if i can’t sing very well. it’s just a lot of fun, with how intense it is! plus the lyrics... god, the lyrics. i usually like to gravitate to songs with more vague lyrics, but something about this song really soothes that teenage version of me tucked away somewhere in my soul, still angsting about the world.

i think my favourite line is this one, in the second verse — “he said you’ll never be okay if you don’t come to your senses / with you, everything’s the end of the world.” though “flipping through a spiral notebook for some / sad, hopeless words to turn into a liturgy” slaps hard too.

2. everybody’s falling in love by *repeat repeat

oh, i have a fic idea i long to write with this one. actually, i have an oc story (which is its own thing i won’t talk about) based on this song, but i have a fic idea i want to write too. this song just evokes so much whimsy of people falling in love, a constant spiral of romance! and it brings to mind a soulmate au — except instead of soulmate marks already existing and being common knowledge, they just... suddenly appear. which leads to a spiral of people figuring it out, relationship drama — what if two people who were dating aren’t soulmates? people who were platonic who suddenly get marks for each other? who gets together? who doesn’t? i’unno, i’m like... relationship introspection extraordinaire. might be a silly idea now that i’ve typed it out, but it’d be fun.

ah— for the song itself... yeah, it’s light on the lyrics, but like i said, it’s whimsical! it’s fun! i love the announcement at the start to really set the scene — this is a stage, and people falling in love is the show for everyone’s entertainment. yeah, it’s just— it’s a fun song. i don’t have much else to say.

3. sex sells by lovejoy

oh... (longing sigh) this song.

i listen to it a lot whenever i’m in a depressed funk. it just resonates with me a lot; the lyrics remind me of being second place to someone else, of a relationship slipping, that kind of thing. actually, the fact that i haven’t listened to it as much lately is probably a sign of my improving mental health (HA!)

i conceived a fic au before based off this song before — for a different fandom, not twst. it’s kind of shelved, i might turn it into an oc story instead because i still like the concept. but the inspiration i drew from this song turned into a very complex introspection of a close relationship (think childhood friends to lovers) crumbling and shattering under jealousy, envy, et cetera, et cetera. wrote like, one short ficlet off that? never posted it, but i’m still happy with it.

ah... lyrics. yeah, this one’s obvious; my favourite line is “how’s it feel to be so loved yet so alone?”

4. poplar st. by glass animals

was struggling between a lot of songs (how do you expect me to pick just FIVE?!) but considering how a line from poplar st. is literally my blog title on my main... figured it was a no brainer to include it. i wish i could convey my thoughts and feelings on this song, but this is one of the very rare few songs where, if you asked me to tell you what i like about it, i’d be stumped.

i’m not good with identifying instruments or explaining any of that, but the almost dreamy atmosphere of poplar st. hooks me splendidly. the vocals fit beautifully, to the point where they blend with the music and almost seem hard to pick out. i like how the song seems to tinge with darkness and fragment as it goes on — both lyrically and musically. it just scratches a lot of itches for me. would love to try writing something based off it someday? might just be oc stuff though, given the lyrics.

lyrics... the whole chorus slaps. it’s so lovely. all the lines about flowers, and then “i am a true romantic / free falling love addict” just tops it off beautifully <3

5. schoolin’ by everything everything

ah... hahaha.

not to sound cringe on main but if i had to ascribe a song to myself, it would be this one. my friends know — oh, they know — just how much schoolin’ resonates with me. if i divulged all my thoughts here, this post would turn into a criminally long essay, so i’ll exercise restraint for now.

like, i genuinely think this song permanently altered my brain chemistry. so much of it just resonate with me — the scathing observations, the metaphors slamming society, the absolute raging emotions in the voice of the singer, the resentment brimming just underneath. it’s a song about mistakes, it’s a song about learning from them or not, it’s a song about conformity and education and straying or conforming to it. it’s a song about questioning the world and ripping apart the people who are too scared to do so. it’s a wickedly poetic song once you rip apart and dissect every little bit of the lyrics, and i fucking love it with all my heart and soul.

too many lyrics in this song. and yet i have always known my favourite lines. “so learn me anything good / and teach me something that works.” there’s something about that that clicks with me so deeply. a single, scathing request: let me learn anything useful at all, and teach me something that can work for me.

also shoutout to the entire coda (outro) of the song for being the best 1m 50s of my life.

tagging: @llondonfog @olivebranch311 @pitruli @digdeepergravedigger09 @lakuronekobaka @pixelfun20 @reubeam @0rchidm4ntis (cheating? by also tagging friends who follow my main but not this sideblog? sue me. also i hope y’all are ok w being tagged in this HGFNDHGDF sorry if youre not ;;; just ignore if that’s the case)

#ell rambles #tag games #i don't? know? twst drops tomorrow man i Need to get this out #im going to be irreverssibly changed after the update #sorry 2 be cringe on my writing blog. it will happen again #people who followed me for twst now get smacked in the face by my song ramblings #writing? coming soon maybe?? after tomorrow's update?? if i get any brainworms like w the prev one

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lostandfem · 2 years

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Have your depression issues been solved eventually?

I've had a very similar experience with wanting to escape depression and anxiety by transing myself. trans spaces were the only ones where my issued weren't mocked and provided what I thought was a solid explanation - like, most of people there experienced mental issues so I guess we all thought it's a common sign of being trans instead of considering that maybe identifying as trans is a common sign among the mentally ill.

And unlike doctors, parents and my closed ones the trans stuff promised a SOLUTION. Just transition, get these surgeries and hormones and you'll be cured of all the sadness and fear.

That being said the root of my issues turned out to be such basic physiological thing it's tragic how much time I wasted.

My depression has gotten a lot better since I’ve found a therapist that works for me. It took a long ass time, but I found one. I can see myself getting better.

And yeah trans stuff is really tempting because of how much it presents itself as a SolutionTM. Therapy is really vague. It doesn’t have a step by step plan that’s presented to you at any time, so when something comes along that has all this research about how much it helps, it convinces you maybe that’s what you need, too. It’s especially tempting when you don’t know what your issues are, so doctors can’t even provide that sort of plan for you. It feels hopeless. No one knows what’s wrong with you or what to do with you. Transness comes along with a lot of common feelings that come with a traumatic childhood (isolation, feeling different or like something is wrong with you, wishing you were someone else), and says “no its okay! we all feel the same way! we know that the issue is! and we know how to solve it!!”. It offers hope, albeit false hope.

It’s years delaying actual treatment of trauma, especially since once you say you’re trans, any issues you present can be explained by a doctor as a part of that. Your issues won’t be addressed if you’re trans. Even for people that are actually best treated with transition, that’s a huge issue for them, too.

#asks #detrans #detrans experience

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somewhereinthepines · 2 years

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Not the same anon someone different lol but yeah I like that perspective for Chris. I was a bit cursed from the beginning of this games story because I sympathised with Chris/Travis’ and the families situation. Cursed and doomed to be until they find the lead culprit the white wolf. And I also sympathised with Ryan, sure he was awkward sometimes but I liked his character? I felt really invested in them and expected the game to give us the option of saving all the Hacketts considering they weren’t necessarily bad people. So when Laura kinda knew this information; knowing becoming a werewolf was a curse and you’d return to normal after the full moon, knowing that they’d been hunting the white wolf etc and still mindlessly shooting Chris’ daughter and snapping at Ryan for being uncomfortable at the concept of killing Chris, idk it didn’t sit right with me at all.

travis & chris are really stuck in a vicious cycle. and it’s beyond sad how you can’t even save them properly. like you can’t save chris without many people dying as a result. and you can’t save travis either, bc even if he survive, realistically he would be put in jail for helping to cover up murders & abusing his position of power. they’re just kinda doomed from the start, and it feels so hopeless, no matter what you do. and while this part was depressing, and kind of unfair, at the very least, they could have done it more respectfully, i guess? i hate how rushed the ending is. and how it literally snuff up travis’s emotions, along with ryan’s. the game just won’t give them a break, and continues to ignore all that piling up trauma in favor of the most bizzare things. *groans* it’s one of the huge downsides of the game, that it has too many characters and too many storylines, but like, ryan is the most playable character and travis is the hackett, that we see the most, so they could have respected their narrative more. i also wish, that they could have given you an option to save all the hacketts, or well, most of them. or maybe, actually pick a side, bc with ryan, it sorta looked like he might turn on laura at the last moment.

well, laura comes off as unhinged in the last chapter tbh. she’s so rushed to murder people. and her reasoning for it is very half-assed too. like she wants to murder chris, only so that max won’t idk turn into werewolf at the next full moon, but like, so what if he did? it would have made sense to analyze all the info, that she could get before just deciding to go on a rampage. and yeah-yeah, she was held in the cage for 2 months. and yeah sure, had lost an eye. but most of it was sort of her own fault…? so like. idk. i can’t say, that i’m a fan of her lol. she’s so impulsive and selfish, and she attempts to be like ‘but i’m trying to do the right thing’, when she’s not? she’s merely thirsty for revenge, and that’s pretty much it. and it’s fine direction to take with a character, but i kinda hate how the game sort of forces ryan to take her side, when he doesn’t have to. no matter what people love to think, he doesn’t have to like her or care about her bf or even nick. he doesn’t own her anything, yet, she acts like he has to support her drive. be 100% behind killing chris and all hacketts. all while he doesn’t even have any proof, that laura doesn’t lie about most of that stuff. idk, didn’t sit right with me either.

sorry for the rant, but i see ryan getting so much shit for not 'caring enough' about dylan or his 'friends', when my point is, why no one cared enough to just let ryan be trauma-trippin' and be sad and devastated? and travis...i feel so bad for him, haha. let poor old fart rest and be far away from them all.

#asks #quarry

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sadgrllzzz · 14 days

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My Experience with Electra Heart

When I was 11 years old, I discovered Marina and the Diamonds. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was playing in a tent outdoors with my sister, and we were listening to music we liked on YouTube. I eventually ended up clicking on the youtube thumbnail for "Primadonna Girl," off of the Electra Heart album. As soon as the first few seconds of the song played, I was instantly hooked. The line, "Primadonna girl, yeah, all I ever wanted was the world," was the gateway to my obsession with Marina and the Diamonds. I loved her Electra Heart album and so many of the songs on it, but also adored the other album the band had released, titled "The Family Jewels." Marina's lyrics about depression, sadness, and feeling hopeless really resonated with me, and I deeply connected to the upbeat music with disheartening lyrics.

After I became a fan of her music, I began to express my interests online on websites like Instagram and Tumblr. The sad girl community was at large during this time, so I experienced a lot of it first hand. At this time, I had no idea that Electra Heart was a character, and the content I saw regarding Marina's work online didn't give me any clues about it, because they were all posted by kids just like me who had no idea about the real intention of the work either! Being in this community introduced me to other artists, such as Lana Del Rey, who I began listening to and still adore to this day.

I think the difference between the two artists does have to do with how they go about creating their art. I feel like Marina's insistence on performing as a character in her Electra Heart era really held her back as an artist later on developmentally. I don't understand the point of doing a character album if the next album released by Marina and the Diamonds had almost the exact same feel and lyricism. The difference between Lana and Marina is that by staying true to herself, Lana was more easily able to evolve and grow in positive ways as an artist. I see the direct opposite of that effect with Marina's body of work.

Now that I'm an adult, I do realize the intention behind Marina's work. However, does this really change the impact of the Electra Heart album for me? No. Everything regarding her fanbase and how the music was perceived and consumed would not change whatsoever if she hadn't had the intention of being ironic. I do not tend to go back to Marina's music at all, yet I still find enjoyment in going back to some old Lana, and I adore her 2014 "Ultraviolence," album to this very day.

Marina's intentions regarding the direction of the album did not have much relevance on how her work was consumed and obsessed over online. Although many find this effect of the sad girl online community plainly harmful, I would argue that this is a double edged sword. There are way worse things in the world than posting fan content of and celebrating the dark themes in an artist's music. What I ultimately take from the situation is that the community uplifted a lot of teens in their darkest times, and the way that others choose to cope isn't really my business, despite the fact that there can be negative effects from the space as well.

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sadgrlzzz · 16 days

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My Experience with Electra Heart

Now that I'm an adult, I do realize the intention behind Marina's work. However, does this really change the impact of the Electra Heart album for me? No. Everything regarding her fanbase and how the music was percieved and consumed would not change whatsoever if she hadnt had the intention of being ironic. I do not tend to go back to Marina's music at all, yet I still find enjoyment in going back to some old Lana, and I adore her 2014 "Ultraviolence," album to this very day.

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laminy · 30 days

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Hello there, love, it's been a few weeks. How're you doing? What's the latest? Hope you're alright, your last post is a bit worrying ❤️

Hello! 🩵

thank you for messaging, it’s always so nice to see an ask in my inbox, puts a little bounce in my step.

I’ll put it all behind a cut because I’m sure some people don’t care and also some discussion of mental health might be triggering for people.

I cannot say this is the worst I have ever been or ever felt because in 2017 I had actual plans of when/where/how I wanted to die, and that is not happening right now, 2017 will always be the worst in that regard. but it is still a very hopeless period of my life and I’m essentially out of anything to look forward to and I spend most days pretty sad.

on the job front, I still have one. but I will be honest and say that every day, I would not be surprised if they fired me, and that out of the eight people in my department, I believe the only one not currently looking for a new job is the manager. she loves it, she think it’s great. it’s the rest of us who are struggling and feeling unappreciated, targeted, unhappy. it’s just tough because I hate looking for new jobs, I am very unlucky in job searches (the amount of student debt I graduated with, you’d think I’d have more qualifications), and I know that I’m very lucky in having a role that is still WFH, with the exception of maybe once a month. it’s just really frustrating because a year ago, yeah it was busy but it wasn’t upsetting like this.

the living situation is still hell. we’ve had to call the police multiple times in the past few weeks for various reasons — attempted break ins, domestic violence in another unit. on top of that, I really just don’t sleep because the upstairs neighbours are up all hours of the night, and so I’ll regularly be woken up between 2-5AM. we ask them to be quiet, they do not care, they will not change. also, the building is basically built out of damp cardboard and scotch tape so there is zero soundproofing and multiple water leaks throughout. but I really can’t afford much else. even if I could get approved for a place of my own in a different building (gosh my dream is to not have roommates), one bedroom apartments here go for 2.5x what I pay now. which just isn’t feasible.

the one vaguely good thing going on is that I am still writing! I know I’m not posting anything which actually makes me really sad, and I am sorry for it. I always think like, oh, I just sort of abandoned all those other ideas. but I am kind of all in on the original story I’m writing for now. I’m halfway through the second draft. it’s coming together a lot better than the first draft but there will still have to be a third draft. too much exposition in one scene. maybe too many things happening, a storyline might have to get cut. I enjoy it, I like writing the characters and their story, and at the same time, it’s also a welcome distraction from all the stuff going on in my life. the characters don’t worry about their living situations or losing their jobs, they can afford nice things, they’re happy (okay one of them is pretty depressed and the other can be quite insecure but they have hope for the future! they get the happily ever after).

I know that’s all a lot. but thank you for asking and checking in, I appreciate it. I hope things are well with you and I sincerely hope you take care! 🩵

#thank you!!!

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nverl0st · 5 months

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november song recs

i know this month hasn't ended yet, but i know it's gonna get busy after thanksgiving break, so i'm gonna write this now. i want to start writing these to sort of remember these months by songs i liked. a good reminder to how each month was like. this month was a lot less vocaloid centric than usual. maybe that's good. i'm becoming more normal.....

---this december - ricky montgomery

the second i heard this song i immediately fell in love. it felt like something i've heard before, something that would have played a lot during my childhood. it's so familiar. it really reminds me to not be so depressed and hopeless this winter, reminding me how wonderful life can be. because maybe, this winter, "i'll remember".

---internet yamero - needy girl overdose, kotoko, aiobahn

i tried to listen to this song before (because the vibes are immaculate), however i did not like the parts before the "chorus". well... i gave it another try because the chorus is just too good. the parts before the chorus i recently found to be so cool as well. the deliriousness kind of brings a smile to my face... it really is a song that encapsulates the internet well.

---spoiled princess - fujiwo

yeah i already wrote a post about this so i won't say much. what a nice song in a specific trope i really like. emunene cover is also splendid.

---animal - deco27

why am i still listening to this i swear it's been months. i first listened to the amane cover (which i honestly... like better. the instrumental is different and the timbre of her voice is really nice) but i recently started listening to the og vocaloid one too. one of the few deco27 songs i like... i guess the onomatopoeias are very catchy... as well at the 8-8-7#-8! that it does. a lot

---gehenna - wotaku

very recent addition, but it's very memorable. it vaguely sounds like happy halloween??? the instrumental/verses have such a different feeling compared to the chorus... but what a wonderful song in terms of its lyrics. "'i want to stay alive'/ i don't know why/ but 'i want to stay alive'" as well as "'i want to stay alive'/ 'I don't want to stay alive'/ it's so unfortunate/but we have to live"... and the whole last stanza on "deceiving" and "couldn't tell you". i love how it also says "and this is so sad". what wonderful wording. because no matter what, we just have to keep living. one thing that's throwing me off is the vague rapping in the background...? what is going on in the instrumental. also wtf mr. shanti guy made this. such a different style.

---phantasm suite - hoyomix "the golden midsummer"

okay. hear me out. it's a really really good instrumental piece okay... and the spoken word really makes it even better. "often times, i could not even see right in front of me/we will meet again, no matter how far along down the road", "to you from the past, i hope you liked this song", "please, be proud of all that is unreal... for we are greater than this world", "it has never voiced a complaint, for that is its destiny"... it reminds me of summer when i played this event.

---those eggs aren't dippy - jack stauber

the first 10 seconds are so fucking good????? especially the "let me in your eaaarrrr" i even made it my alarm! it's perfect because it's so short. unfortunately it's not doing a great job of waking me up. it's too catchy.

---love ka - hiiragi kirai

even though i personally did not listen to this song a lot this month, i recommended this song (via musescore) to a friend, and they really loved it so that's pretty notable. getting everyone hooked on vocaloid. seriously that musescore cover is so good. they adapted special quirks love ka does in its instrumental/vocals for piano, but not in the exact same way. they made a piano arrangement, not transcription. like tremolo for piano instead of vibrato???? gives it such a nice touch!!!

#vivid thoughts #vocaloid #music thoughts

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princesstokyomoon · 1 year

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a few weeks ago i was talkin to my gf, and she said cus my sleep is so Fucked i should try to get drugs for that. and when i said "lol the docs always just tell me to eat better and sleep better to fix my sleep schedule, they wont give me drugs", she said i should just get them to give me meds for my depression, cus her ones also help with her sleep.

she didnt seem to understand what i meant when i responded "NAH my depression isnt bad enough, they wont give me drugs for it"

she sorta went "but your therapist acknowledges you have depression?"

so i went like "yeah but its always been considered the Mildest form you can get, they wont give me shit for it. like,,, cus ive never been suicidal as a result of it, that means i dont need drugs."

and i could practically Hear her brain whirring at the idea that i am not suicidal over the voice call. like,,, she just paused in a Particular way she does when she WILDLY cant relate to what im saying.

and it pops into my head every so often and makes me sad. makes me sad when ANYONE feels that way. but i hate the idea that she couldnt relate to the idea of wanting to live? not just that she feels that way, but that im Literally helpless to do anything really. Like,, both of us have Royally fucked up health and sleep cycles, so its hard enough for us to find the time to voice chat (she doesnt particularly like messaging), and she doesnt drive, and tbh even if she COULD i dont think id want her coming to my house while i live with my mum. she struggled enough with the idea of her existence when she came to cheer me up after my dad died, i dont want to have my gf deal with her regularly. but i cant go to her often either, cus i have a cat to look after. wouldnt be so bad if it was JUST the one cat, but my sisters cat is here too, and the two hate each other. so while my sister cant have her cat, my mum looks after her cat, and i look after mine. i cant just leave my cat Alone for too many days thats not fair to her.

it just feels very much like im in a rock and a hard place and im Failing

im 99% sure im NOT failing, my gf is very much the type that would call me out if she was upset with me, its one of the things i love about her. but my brain is constantly in a war between Desperately Clingy Hopeless Romantic, and Extremely Distant Chronic Loner with Zero Dating Experience, and it starts to feel like EVERYTHING i do is wrong, no matter What that thing is.

i HAVE talked about this with her, and jfc i am Blessed she is so much more patient with me than i am tbh. but still im Frustrated by my constant desire to DO things for her, and my even MORE constant inability to do any of them. and the Only thing that makes me not freak out about that is that she has Directly told me she doesnt NEED me to do any of those things.

i dont want any advice for this really. im just very tired, procrastinating going to bed, and needed to scream a little. i didnt even know i needed to scream about this till i started, i went into this post thinkin itd be a "hahaha funni stori" about the differences in our depression and now im here WELP

#sucidal ideation mention i guess????#im just rambling dont mind me #DONT WORRY I AM NOT SUICIDAL THO QUITE THE OPPOSITE #just dont want anyone accidentally triggered

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monstermaster13 · 1 year

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Corey and Oats in…

Bedtime for Back Pain.

When it’s time for bed at the Nile Road house all the microbes gather together and Corey and Oats get to decide which microbe gets to be their guest of honor for the night, tonight it was Brian’s turn, Brain was a back pain microbe who was always sad and depressed because he was always in pain, he couldn’t ignore the pain or do anything about it, every night he had trouble sleeping because none of the beds supported him and he cried and sobbed. ‘Oww ooo, I don’t like this bed.’ he moaned as he got up and moved over to a spaceship themed bed Corey had magicked up for him.

“Surely there must be one bed you like.”

“Some of these are too large, some of these are too lumpy, and no matter which ones I try my back still hurts.”

‘Oh..poor Back Pain. I think we should help him.’ ‘Yeah…come on Corey.’ Corey and Oats looked over at Brian who was putting on his PJs and deciding on where he wanted to sleep, he tried out several beds but none of them helped him with his problem. ‘Ouch woo woo…this bed hurts me.’ ‘Brian, would you like to be our sleepover buddy for the night?’ ‘I would very much like to but I am afraid my aching back would cause some problems.’ ‘We can help you if you like.’

“How are you going to do that?”

Oats showed Brian the magic bedbox and he pulled out a special map which had all sorts of magical areas on it to explore as their pegasus bed levitated, the two of them hopped into the bed along with him and they began their search for the perfect place for him to sleep, the first place they found was a jungle treehouse. Brian laid down on a bed of leaves but found himself unable to sleep because he kept seeing the eyes of numerous different creatures watching him while he slept.

The next place Corey and Oats showed him was an underwater bedroom, he tried sleeping in it but kept getting wet…’it’s no use. None of these beds i’ve slept on so far, work.’ He sighed, but then Oats showed him a lovely flowery bed. He hopped onto the flower bed and snuggled on it, it was cozy but also made him sneeze…’Oh no.’ ‘What’s wrong this time?’ ‘This bed made me sneeze.’

“Oh dear.”

“Where shall we go next?”

Corey used a spell to transport them over to a little bed on the top of a tree, where Brian hopped into said bed and drifted off, having nice dreams and rocking back and forth on the tree top but when the bough broke off the cradle rocked, and began to fall off the tree…as Brian woke up with a scream as he came crashing down, cradle and all. ‘That wasn’t a good place to sleep.‘ ‘Aaaaw, what happened Brian?’ ‘That was close..I nearly got hurt and I fell out of the tree.’ ‘Are you alright?’ ‘Yes, I'm a little worried i’ll never get to sleep, but yes i’m alright.’ ‘There there..let’s keep trying.’

The next place they chose was a lovely nature themed bedroom in a resort, Brian yawned as he drifted off to sleep but he was disrupted by his noisy neighbors and he still wasn’t happy. ‘Oh no..this isn’t going well.’ ‘What do we do next?’ Corey thought of an idea before using some magic to give him a cave-bedroom. Brian tried to sleep in it but he couldn’t because he heard creepy sounds and he still was in agony.

“It’s hopeless..”

“No it’s not Brian, don’t be like that.”

He sobbed but he realized he shouldn’t give up, as Corey and Oats used their magic to make him a comfy bedroom that was suitable for him. Brian felt much happier about it as he looked at them and hugged them before using their magic to transport him back to their bedroom in Nile Road. ‘Now are you ready to be our sleepytime pal?’ ‘Sure am. I feel better.’ ‘Come on, let’s snuggle up.’ He yawned as he hopped into bed with Corey and Oats, he felt much better now as he drifted off to sleep.

“Good night Corey.”

“Good night Oats.”

‘Good night Back Pain.’ Corey added as Brian drifted off to sleep with the duo following suite as they all slept peacefully that night, Brian’s back stopped aching and they all had lovely dreams as the pegasus bed turned into a train and took them on a magical tour through the dream-world where they all got to make their own dream places to live.

Brian was finally happy and his back got better rather quickly the next day but for now we say goodnight Oatsie, goodnight Corey and good night Back Pain.

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winter-soldier-vibes · 3 years

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hi! request for one where reader struggles w depression a lot but hides it, tho it’s been getting worse recently and only bucky has noticed the small signs. then one night after no one seeing her the whole day or maybe something happened he went to check on her but she wasn’t in her room and he panics only to find her on the roof and just talks her down <3 all the love

Of course! I hope you're okay love❤❤❤. I saw another anon request something a lil similar in my ask box but I can't find it, maybe it got eaten, but I hope you like this!

Word count: 3,400 (ish)

Warnings: suicidal thoughts, depression, close to an attempt, Bucky talks about HYDRA, feelings of worthlessness.

A/N: This deals with very heavy subject matter, please do not read if you are in a dark place. I am here to talk if you want but I encourage you that if you feel this way in ANY way, no matter how severe, to reach out to someone. I also just wanted to say that the way someone talks someone down is never the same, some people may find a different approach more helpful or realistic. I wrote it this way because this is what I feel in my experience would have been helpful to hear. So please, if you don’t think it’s the way someone should talk someone down - please don’t come at me for it.

Overnight

People often don’t notice the small signs. The smiles that don’t reach the eyes, the dark circles from lack of sleep, the laughs that slowly become more forced. People don’t often pick up on those things right away. They happen slowly, as depression will often manifest. It’s rarely ever a flip of a switch shut down, happy one day and sad the net. Anxiety was like that, small things can trigger panic attacks. But with depression, it was this slow ache that grew in your chest, this dull cloud that made everything darker day by day.

These things rarely happen overnight.

You don’t know what caused this episode. You had struggled with depression and would go through some really low episodes before returning to baseline. It was never great, but it was...manageable. Most of the time. Some things could help you predict when you would go into another episode but you felt yourself slipping and you weren’t quite sure why.

You started withdrawing from the team. Subtly, not all at once. That would cause too much concern and the last thing you wanted was to be a burden. Especially with something like this, you didn’t even have an explanation.

It started slow, training on your own, missing team dinners, that sort of thing. If they were going out to celebrate or staying in for a movie you would slip away to your room where you didn’t have to worry about hiding it.

You didn’t want to be alone, you already felt so goddamn lonely. But somehow being lonely and surrounded by people who loved you hurt more.

The team chalked it up to you wanting to be alone, a bad day, being tired, etc. Whatever recycled excuse you gave them didn’t phase them. At least, not at first.

See, people who have experienced similar things will pick up in the small signs that others show. Someone who knows what anxiety is like will often be the first to pick up on nervous habits and tics. Often people notice when someone’s energy is coming from adrenaline and caffeine rather than sleep when they’ve done the same thing. Someone who knows what it’s like to feel hopeless and not want to reach out - they notice the small signs of withdrawing.

He noticed pretty early on the change in your demeanor. You had always been one to keep to yourself but this was different. You always seemed exhausted in a way that sleep couldn’t ever fix. Your laugh wasn’t quite the way it used to be, now forced and short, not the usual bubbly laugh it was.

Most people are able to just live and go about daily functions - eating, sleeping - it just came naturally to them. Surviving was natural to them. But it seemed like you had to put thought and effort into surviving.

Which, you were.

Slowly it became hard to motivate yourself to do the basic things to take care of yourself. You would do the bare minimum because you had to, but even that was starting to take more effort than it should. You were eating less because you just weren’t that hungry, but you still did because you knew if you didn’t you’d get sick eventually. You spent as much time in your bed as possible, but not much of it was sleeping.

Bucky picked up on these things and came up to talk to you about them, but you’d smile and shake your head.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just a little tired I guess.”

You weren’t lying, you were tired - emotionally more than physically.

Tired of more than what the day brought - tired of yourself, of your emotions. Tired of the way you felt so out of touch with yourself, out of control. Tired of how you wanted to get better but no matter what you did, it still came back. You were so tired of being exhausted all the time and there was nothing you could do about it.

You were tired of living this way.

You weren’t necessarily suicidal, it wasn’t that you didn’t want to live. You just didn’t want to live this life, not like this. You were so utterly exhausted day in and day out, every day was about getting to the end of it. Everything seemed pointless and you felt like you were watching life go by but you weren’t living it.

You were surviving. And you didn’t see much of a point to it anymore.

Your mask was cracking. And people were noticing.

Maybe it was when you were falling asleep during mission briefings, or nearly passing out in training because you had forgotten to eat. Maybe it was how no one saw you anywhere that wasn’t necessary. The team passed it off as a bad day or week, something you would get over because you were strong.

But apparently not the strong that you needed to be. You could fight off agents, assassins, you could run for miles. But you couldn’t stop your mind from telling you that life was pointless and you were a waste of space. But the team wrote it off as a bad week. But Bucky knew that this had been going on for much longer than a week.

These things rarely happen overnight.

Too many people were asking you if you were okay, and you weren’t, but you didn’t know how to say it. But you thought that if you had to choke out one more “I’m fine,” you would shatter. And you weren’t ready for everyone to see that.

You stopped coming out of your room unless it was for the bare necessities. You would come out at night for water and food, picking at it in your room so that no one would see you.

But that only made Bucky worry more.

The team, again, wrote it off as you needing some “Alone time” because maybe you just had a “bad day”. Of course they worried about you but they thought that if things were bad, or if there was something you needed help with, you would speak up. Because that’s what you did.

But Bucky was worried. He knew that when someone pushes people away, they may think being alone will help, but it only makes it worse. You may not want to talk to anyone, you may think being alone is what’s best. But it rarely is.

Being alone makes it harder to fight your demons. They can run rampant when given the chance. Being alone is the darkest and loneliest hell, and he knew that all too well.

He wasn’t going to leave you alone in that.

He came up to your room one night, wanting to check on you. He knocked on your door, being met with silence. He knocked again, calling your name, but was again met with silence. He tried the doorknob and found it unlocked, opening the door to an empty room.

Where the hell were you?

You weren’t anywhere else in the tower, so where were you?

Bucky stood there for a moment, confused before he remembered the AI system. “F.R.I.D.A.Y.Where's y/n?”

“I believe that they were heading up to the rooftop about a half-hour ago.”

Bucky’s eyes widened as he sprinted out the hallway and towards the stairs.

---

You looked out over the street, arms crossed over your shivering body. For now, you just looked down at the city below. You chuckled bitterly to yourself. There must have been thousands of people down there, thousands of lives, and you wondered how many people felt the way you did right now. So much hustle and bustle, things to do and places to be. You didn’t know a single person down there, it was just a blur of movement. Yet they all had their own personal stories and hells and blessings and shit that made them who they were.

You wondered how many of them pretended like they were fine.

You were standing closer to the edge than you should’ve been. You weren’t doing yourself any favors. You really shouldn’t be up here, but you didn’t know what else to do. Everything hurt all the time and it was just getting worse. You didn’t know whether or not you were gonna jump but here you were, teetering on the edge. Because no matter how much this hurt you still couldn’t bring yourself to fall forward.

You were scared.

You felt tears sting your eyes, angry, exhausted, everything - you couldn’t do anything right anymore, you felt no purpose, you were tired and scared all of the time. You felt so utterly done with everything, yet here you were with a way out and you were too scared of that too.

You were trapped in your body, trapped in your life, and while you didn’t want to die, you didn’t want it to hurt anymore. It wasn’t that you had nothing to live for. It wasn’t that you had nothing left. You knew you did, you knew the team was there for you. You had more support than you could ever need. But you didn’t know how to use them.

You didn’t even know how this happened. How did things get this bad? You remembered when you were happy, the person you used to be. The person everyone still seemed to think you were. Where did they go? What happened to them? And would you ever be able to be that person again?

Did it even matter? Would anyone even care or notice? They did a great job at ignoring what had been happening. Not that you wanted them to find out in the first place. It was so confusing, you wanted to scream for help, you wanted someone to just fucking notice or something. But didn’t you also answer every single “Are you okay?” with "Oh yeah I’m fine, just a little tired.”

So did you truly want them to know? Did you actually want them to notice or help?

You closed your eyes tightly, shaking your head a little to yourself. It was all so confusing, so frustrating. You didn’t know what to do. You felt completely trapped within yourself.

These things rarely happen overnight. And they never get better overnight either.

You took a breath as you looked down, toes slightly off of the ledge. One step or losing your balance would be all it would take. And then it would be over. Forever. It wouldn’t hurt anymore.

“Y/n?” you heard a calm, albeit nervous voice speak from behind you.

You felt your breath catch in your throat. As you squeezed your eyes shut. “No,” you whispered to yourself.

“Y/n, can you come down from there?”

“Why are you here?” you asked, voice strained with pain.

“Because I’m worried about you,” he said, voice sounding closer.

“I don’t want you to be worried about me! I never wanted anyone to worry about me!” you exclaimed.

“And where did not talking about what was bothering you get you?”

“No one would ever have to worry about me again. Not anymore.”

“No one on the team would ever be able to stop thinking about you,” Bucky started, walking closer to you. He spoke gently, worried he would scare you or you would suddenly jump off. “About how we should’ve worried about you. Everyone would blame themselves and ask themselves if they could’ve helped you if they had seen you were hurting.”

You heard his footsteps stop.

“This isn’t going to solve anything.”

You took a shaky breath. “What else am I supposed to do, huh?” you turned around, back facing the streets below as Bucky stood a few feet in front of you. “Pretend like this is gonna get better? Because it isn’t. I’m so sick and tired of pretending like one day everything’s gonna be okay again. It never stops hurting, it never turns off, and I can’t do it anymore!” you yelled, tears streaming down your face. You shook your head. “I know this won’t solve jack shit and it probably makes me weak, but I’m okay with that. Because I’m past the point of wanting to solve anything. I just want it to stop! Is that too much to ask?!”

“It is if your life is the price!” Bucky exclaimed. “We can’t lose you. You’re a part of this team - this family,” he said a little more calmly, trying to keep his own tears at bay. No one should go through feeling so hopeless, and you were one of the kindest people he knew.

But some of the most kind-hearted people are the meanest people to themselves.

“I’m not here to judge you or try to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. I’m not gonna tell you life is all beauty and grace because it isn’t. It’s okay to be in pain but this is not the way to fix it. I just wanna help you.”

You shook your head. “No one can help me.”

“At least let me try,” he said gently.

“You don’t understand okay? It never stops hurting,” you said, voice cracking slightly. “It always hurts and it's this ache in my chest and I feel like I’m suffocating. No one told me that life was going to hurt, no one fucking told me! They say life isn’t fair, or that life may sometimes bring you down, but they never said that existing would be torture. And I don’t want to keep living if it’s going to hurt this much.”

You saw Bucky’s face fall and you shook your head. “Please just go - You weren’t supposed to see this.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’d rather see you at your worst than not see you at all,” he said. “You don’t have to do this yourself. I know it may seem like you do but you don’t. You never had to, and you never will have to. You have me, us, the team - we’re all here for you but we can’t if you don’t let us. But I’m not leaving you. You’ve been alone for too long already.”

You felt a new lump in your throat, feeling overwhelmed. Trapped between death and your worst nightmare. You never wanted to be vulnerable, you never wanted to hurt anyone with your own pain. But hearing Bucky’s words, seeing the panic in his eyes -

You had already hurt him. And he was right - killing yourself was only going to hurt the team more.

But it just hurt so much.

You had heard it so many times - “think about the impact you’ll have on those you love”, or how “suicide is selfish” and shit - made you feel like a horrible person. Because you did care about everyone, you cared too much. And it wasn’t that you didn’t care about hurting them with your decision - it was just that the pain of staying alive began outweighing the fear of hurting those you loved.

And it was torture.

You wanted to say everything that was on your mind - scream and cry and curse the universe, you wanted to break something, you wanted to be hugged, held, and told it would be okay - you wanted to get everything out.

You didn’t want to be alone anymore.

You’ve been alone for too long already.

You let out a broken sob, knees going weak as Bucky caught you and pulled you into his chest, away from the edge.

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” you said between sobs.

“I know you don’t, I know,” Bucky said, holding you tightly as if he feared you would disappear if he let you go.

Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt me was utter bullshit. Because the next words that came out of your mouth hurt Bucky more than anything HYDRA had done to him.

“Please just let me die. Why won’t you let me die? I just wanna die, please just let this be over.”

People didn’t realize what depression could do to a person. Someone who was full of life could end up like this. You don’t know what went wrong or when it happened, but you just felt absolutely broken inside. The kind of broken that can’t be fixed.

Bucky felt his heart shatter, tears falling down his own cheeks at how hopeless you had sounded. He had never been overly close with you, but you were always kind to everyone on the team. And the team had failed you by not noticing sooner.

“I’m gonna bring you inside okay?” Bucky said. You didn’t hear him, crying so hard that you couldn’t focus on anything else. He picked you up, carrying you back into the tower. Bucky brought you back to your room, sitting down on your bed with you. He rubbed a hand up and down your back, holding you tightly as he tried to help you calm down.

Exhaustion overtook you, your body becoming worn out from all of the crying and emotions. You never let your guard down like that in front of anyone, and shame began to overtake you.

“I - I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have seen that I’m so so sorry -”

“Don’t,” he started. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“No one was supposed to know,” you whispered.

“Why not? What’s so bad about asking for help?”

You paused for a moment, unsure exactly why. “I don’t know - I just feel really weak sometimes?” you said, more of a question to yourself. “Like I know everyone needs help and shit but I didn’t have a reason to need it. It hurts but I don’t know why, I cry when I’m not sad, I just - I’m not in control of myself and I don’t know why and if I can’t explain it to myself then how am I supposed to talk to anyone about it?”

“That makes more sense than you think. All of us on the team, we all go through shit. We see so many horrible things, we’ve been through so many things. We all have something. You have this. It’s okay if you don’t know why you feel the way you do but hurting yourself isn’t going to help anything.”

“I know what it’s like, wanting a way out,” Bucky said and you immediately knew what he was talking about. “Days that I wished Pierce or Rumlolw or whoever would just finish me rather than punish me over and over. It wasn’t that I wanted to die, I just wanted it to stop.”

You looked at him. “I know. But what I didn’t know then was that it would end. I never thought it could ever end or that it would ever end, but it did. And if I had died back then I would’ve died only knowing that pain. I wouldn’t have known that it could get better or that it would. And I’m not saying everything is perfect now because it’s not. But it’s better than it was. Okay?”

You nodded, fresh tears spilling out of your eyes. You knew the torture that Bucky went through, everyone on the team did. It had taken him a long time to speak about it on his own and move through it. But he did.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” you said.

“Talking about it, getting it out is a great start. Talking about it never hurt anyone.” When you seemed a little apprehensive, Bucky added, “I felt alone for so long. Battling these thoughts and memories in my head. They never stopped. But when I started talking about it with someone, and they helped me work through it - I don’t know. It helped me a lot. It wasn’t just me and my thoughts anymore. I wasn’t alone.”

I wasn’t alone

“You don’t have to be alone anymore. I’m not going anywhere. Whether you like it or not I’m gonna be right here with you

These things rarely get better overnight. But maybe with someone else, they could get better a little bit quicker.

You gave a small nod. “Okay.”

---

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madmaddyenby · 3 years

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/rp /dsmp

ok so- c!tommy. we are all aware he’s traumatized, and experiences ptsd from being in traumatic experiences, this is basically fact. while i’d like to talk how c!tommy experiences ptsd, i’d like to bring up a thing i haven’t seen mentioned a lot when it comes to c!tommy and his trauma- c-ptsd. also known as complex-ptsd. it occurs when someone experiences something traumatizing for a period of time.

[image description: A screenshot of text with the words “CPTSD stands for Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is a mental health condition in which a person might experience intense PTSD symptoms that coincide with other mental issues. CPTSD occurs in people who have been subjected to on going traumatizing experiences”. end description]

which, as we know, the exile arc fits the description of “ongoing traumatizing experiences” pretty fucking well. the exile was basically just two weeks of trauma. for a lot of reasons too, there was dream abusing tommy, tommy being isolated, tommys own depression/suicidal thoughts/bad mindset in general. this would all be considered a ongoing traumatizing experience(s).

ptsd is very similar to c-ptsd in how it develops, but ptsd occurs after one singular traumatizing event . (by the way, the event doesnt have to be life or death, it could be something like witnessing or hearing about a shocking event!!!)

symptoms of c-ptsd overlap with ptsd a good lot of the time, due to them both being trauma disorders. however, there are a few differences. here r some symptoms of c-ptsd, alot of which are ptsd symptoms that alot ofpeople with c-ptsd experience as well

reliving the traumatic experience

avoiding certain situations

changes in beliefs and feelings about yourself and others

hyperarousal (jitteriness, being on alert, etc)

somatic symptoms (physical symptoms with no underlying cause)

lack of emotional regulation

change in consciousness

negative self-perception

difficulty with relationships

distorted reception of abuser

loss of system of meanings

now, i’ll go over which of these fit our boy c!tommy, and how they fit for some of them atleast. i will only be talking about the things that are a result from c-ptsd, but also c-ptsd works where it coincides with other mental illnesses a person has so. its also important to note that within a person these symptoms might not stay the same over time, and not everyone who has c-ptsd or ptsd is going to experience it the same. (so not talking abt how pain affects him after dying in the prison, though that is a clear sign of ptsd)

reliving the traumatic experience

tommy’s done this with exile a few times, when revisiting logstedshire, when he saw the craters in logstedshire, when visiting dream in prison, when during the disc finale dream dug the hole and told him to put his armour in, etc etc, he’s even described himself as being trembly in the fingers near plain biomes, while visting logsted he mentioned how shaky it made him to be there, and when he visited logsted one time he had an immediate reaction to seeing a hole in the ground that came off as him reliving it. flashbacks come in from sensations during a traumatic event, like sight, feeling, emotion, etc, etc. it seems like with these he’s experiencing more of a reliving the emotions kind of thing.

avoiding certain situations

i was originally not gonna include this one, but thinking about it, he kind of does in a way. this symptom also includes keeping yourself preoccupied to avoid thinking about it, which is something c!tommy seems to do alot. with focusing on building the hotel, and doing tasks, or grinding for supplies instead of actually thinking about it.

changes in beliefs and feelings about yourself and others

c!tommy uh. does this a lot. a lot of it stems from how during exile tommy was isolated and made to believe no one cared for him, and even if that wasn’t true c!tommy never really got much closure on that. hes not really trusting ppl that b4 were really close to him, tubbo n ranboo for example

lack of emotional regulation

this can also be described as uncontrollable feelings. this is the one i’ve wanted to talk about the most i think- because this is really fits c!tommy. he tends to lash out alot, for example burning the flower c!ranboo gave him, there are a bunch more examples of this that include him yelling at others, that one time when he spleefed c!jack

negative self-perception

yeah. theres a few examples of this one, the one that first comes to mind is that time during the green festival where he was talking about how he was worse than everyone he didn’t wanna be (including his abuser, c!dream...) . theres now when he was building his tower by the prison when he was saying he couldn’t use the cobble because it was too him, and people didnt like the cobble. alot of this i think comes from c!dream making him feel basically worthless in exile :(

difficulty with relationships

Yeah. um. Alot for this one!!! The first to come to mind is c!tubbo. c!tommy and c!tubbos relationship is very very wonky, especially considering recent events with tommy feeling like he is being replaced with c!ranboo. (which he isnt by the way! he just feels as though, which is a valid feeling for him to have :]) . another person that comes to mind is c!ranboo. he’s even mentioned how his and ranboos relationship goes back and forth quite alot. its not very surprising to see that he has difficulty with relationships especially considering a lot of the reason that the exile affected him so badly was because he felt so alone and was so isolated from his friends. another thing that comes to mind, is when he made c!sam sign that contract promising hat he’d be his best friend and protect him. theres most likely way more that can be said here, but this is the first stuff that comes to mind.

distorted reception of abuser

um... yeah. this one. this can also be described as , “ becoming preoccupied with the relationship between you and your abuser. It can also include preoccupation with revenge or giving your abuser complete power over your life. “ which is um. yeah. c!tommy. he’s mentioned how whenever he’s around c!dream he feels like hes conditioned to be his friend (which. yea . he was .). right after he left logstedshire this was very very prominent, he was the biggest c!dream apologist around (/j), saying things like “dream didnt do anything wrong” and even explaining how he wasnt sure about things when it comes to c!dream, that his mind became flip floppy whenever he thought about him. right now, hes focused on getting back at c!dream, not fully for revenge, mainly for his friends and how he doesnt want c!dream to go around killing and reviving everyone, but the point still stands. (this all makes me extra sad because he had gone to the prison the second time in the first place to get closure :(( )

loss of system of meanings

Systems of meaning refer to your religion or beliefs about the world. This can also refer to getting a strong sense of hopelessness or despair about the world, which as of late mainly c!tommy seems to have. mainly referencing in his stream where he visited dreams bunker, he was asking what the point was of finding things that made him happy if dream was just going to get out the prison and destroy it. theres also a few things that also go with this, in one stream while he burnt down ponks lemon tree for sam nook he said "thats still decaying, but yknow, arent we all." and that one time when he gave that hotel invitation to c!techno he was like “ahahha we could die tomorrow anyway”

its also important to note that, “Any type of long-term trauma, over several months or years, can lead to CPTSD. However, it seems to appear frequently in people who’ve been abused by someone who was supposed to be their caregiver or protector. “ Which is.. fairly accurate in c!tommy’s situation. c!dream might’ve not been a caregiver or protector necessarily but he was still someone that was looking after him yknow?

there are most likely more things than what i layed out that show that c!tommy most likely also has cptsd, however this is just the stuff that i thought up :] add to the post if you’d like to!

(also this isn’t saying that c!tommy doesnt have ptsd, he had both ptsd and c-ptsd. also i am not an expert about ptsd, cptsd, or mental health in general, if i got any information wrong let me know)

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charcubed · 3 years

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Let's talk about Supernatural 15x07, "Last Call."

Or as I like to call it, "the episode that makes me go feral because it tells us so much about Dean's sexuality, character, and arc."

YES others have written meta! YES I will talk about it myself for the satisfaction! I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

This post was originally a thread on Twitter and I am crossposting it to my blog.

Alt image IDs are included in that linked Twitter thread!

Join me on this journey.

What's the context of this episode? Dean's been kind of down/depressed, feeling hopeless in the face of the idea that they have to defeat God (and not really working towards that goal much), and he's mid-divorce with Cas. He goes out on this solo case to try to clear his head.

And he ends up at Swayze's Bar.

Look, there are many things to be said about this. Dean loves Patrick Swayze. Arguably has a CRUSH on Swayze. It's very tied up in Dean pretending not to like "chick flicks" but he secretly does, which is queer coding. This was a Choice™️.

Speaking of Choices™️: professional actors made many here. Deliberately.

Dean is smacked on the ass by a woman and then Lee smacks him on the ass too. Dean and Lee CONSTANTLY have physical familiarity and fond eye contact. I will limit myself to 1 paragraph about this lest I list it all.

My point is that I just really need every person to digest and accept the fact that this is textually bi Dean. Not subtext; it's TEXT.

Dean and Lee had a relationship. Their history is alluded to in touch and in words. They had an orgy together. Dean's bisexuality is not repressed.

It's also now canon that Dean tries to hide that he can sing well. Most people don't know (like Sam) but some do (Lee). Hence "Eye of the Tiger" callback.

And so: that's also the implication for his sexuality. Dean singing ON STAGE with bi lighting is him being ready to be Out.

They dedicated an entire half an ep at minimum to emphasizing he's bi... and to Dean having a conversation with someone he (initially) trusts about potentially having a break from hunting, and what that could mean.

LEE: You're chasing missing persons, huh? I thought you'd be on to something bigger by now, like the Loch Ness Monster... Bigfoot.

DEAN: Trust me, uh, bigger doesn't always equal better. Besides, who's gonna look out after the little guy? God certainly isn't.

LEE: Damn, brother, that's dark.

DEAN: Yeah, it's been a rough, uh... it's been a rough decade, Lee.

LEE: Yeah.

DEAN: But that's a conversation for a different time, 'cause this, this right here, this is all right.

LEE: Well, I'm glad you approve. This is nothing you can't have, man.

DEAN: Oh, come on. Who's gonna kill the bad guys?

LEE: Somebody else. Dean, how many lives you think you saved, huh? Hundreds? Thousands? You deserve a break, bro. Hell, you might even deserve two.

"But Lee turns out to be a villain!" some might say. "Isn't the point that giving up hunting is bad?"

Nope.

Lee's a DARK MIRROR for Dean. He exists to exhibit the truths behind Dean's desires, and then what they'd look like if they turned bad. Take it from him: "I am you."

There are LAYERS here. You can't focus on the dark side and ignore the truths that take place in the (often bi) light.

The singing? The conversations about taking a break? Throwing men out of the bar, which is framed heroically? "Road House rules" (another Choice™️)?

NONE of that was bad. It shows what Dean wants.

Things only get bad–literally and visually–when Dean's tied up as Lee suddenly says wrong things in the dark.

The contrast exists to show that maintaining Goodness is a choice, and Dean would have no problem upholding that.

LEE: It's called a marid. It's a freaky-looking little thing, isn't it? [Lee laughs, and Dean stares at him, incredulous] Ah. As long as you feed it, it gives you money, it gives you health, everything you dreamed of.

DEAN: And so, what, it just costs innocent lives?

LEE: Dean, you and I both know no one's innocent. After everything we've done, aren't... aren't we owed a little happiness, huh? Don't we deserve that much?

DEAN: Listen to yourself. "We're owed." "We deserve." Come on, man. You're not God. Hell, God's not even God.

LEE: Good or bad... the world doesn't care. No one cares, Dean.

DEAN: Well, I do.

LEE: Yeah. And that's what got you here. Now, takes a while to drain a man, but listen to me. Don't worry about it, all right? Don't worry because once you lose a couple of pints, you just fall asleep, and then it'll be over.

[Lee pats Dean on the shoulder]

DEAN: Lee.

LEE: This... this is not how I wanted this to go, Dean. When that blonde girl walked in here last night, I should've know, you know, Dean Winchester, the righter of wrongs, you were gonna keep digging, and you were gonna figure me out. And if it's got to be you or me, well, I got to pick me, man.

"No one cares, Dean."

"Well, I do."

It's a reminder to himself as much as it is to Lee. It's a re-centering of purpose that he sorely needs.

And what's also key? Lee is human, but is now a "monster" in Dean's words. Because Lee lost his ability to care, Dean can't abide by that.

(Side note: bonus for the fact that Lee dies up against a wall by being impaled and he coughs up blood. You know who doesn’t cough up blood in their very weird and unrealistic death scene? Dean in the finale.)

Remember: Lee is a dark mirror for Dean. "I am you."

By fighting and (tragically) killing Lee, Dean "kills" the darker side of himself. The side that's struggling to keep going right now... AND the side that fears eventually wanting a break means you must be selfish and stop caring.

He can keep going. He can find strength to fight God–and in the end, take a break and CHOOSE peace. It won't make him dark. He's the most caring man on Earth, even when it's hard. That’s reinforced later.

Isn't he owed a little happiness? And that's not in the having. It's in just being.

The bonus is what's going on with Cas in this episode.

Dean's clearing his head and finding his center again while Cas is calling him.

Come home. I need you. Remember what matters.

And again, contrast: Lee turns out not to be "real/true" in the way Dean thought he was. But Cas IS.

And after Dean goes through all of this... he's grounded again, he recognizes that even amongst questions of what God controls there are still choices to be made, he's reminded that letting his caring heart lead him is priority, he's lost another friend...

He comes home to Cas.

It's awkward. They're still distanced.

But this episode is a turning point for Dean. He's not angry at Cas anymore, he wants to talk, he's ready to move forward... he just doesn't know how to yet.

And if you follow the through-line... then you get Rowena saying "fix it"... and then after that is the Purgatory prayer.

I just !!!

S15 is packed with Dean development to hone in towards the end of his arc, but "Last Call" manages to hit SO many buttons.

• He's always been bi, & is ready to be Out

• He can want a break–& maybe run a bar like the Roadhouse

• Caring is at the core of who he is

It's about the CHOICE. It's about wanting to live your truths, and that "caring" can mean many things–from defeating God and saving the world, to making the hard choices when it counts, to maybe running a bar where people are safe.

14x10 and its matching Texan Star also say hello:

DEAN: How come you always have a boyfriend?

PAMELA: How come you only want what you can't have?

DEAN: Whoa.

PAMELA: Besides, you don't want me. You just like to flirt. I'm a psychic, so I kinda know.

DEAN: All right.

PAMELA: So, still not ready to sell the bar, huh? It's a lot of money.

DEAN: Sell? This bar? This is my dream.

PAMELA; Yeah.

And I recognize that rereading this info is sad(der) now because of what we got in the end, so uh... sorry.

But that's half the point: it's repeatedly blatantly clear what we were meant to get, down to deliberate echoes in word choice–caring, happiness, deserve, even Roadhouse.

Dean was meant to choose to take a break, maybe run a bar–whether on Earth or in Heaven. At minimum, if Dean was meant to end up in Heaven, he was meant to choose it with eyes wide open. And the next time the phone rang with Cas' name (15x19), he RAN for him. He was VERY ready.

And the whole season tells you that. This episode is just my favorite.

So... thanks for letting me ramble on about it!!!

DEAN WINCHESTER: BI ICON, ONCE-LOVER OF LEE WEBB, THE MOST CARING MAN ON EARTH WHO DESERVED TO CHOOSE PEACE AFTER GAINING HIS FREEDOM, & SOULMATE TO AN ANGEL

And a very big thank you to the talented kings Jensen Ackles & Christian Kane, and their longstanding friendship. They gave me many rights with their acting choices.

Here's an iconic bonus for the road.

#supernatural #spn meta #15x07 Last Call #Lee Webb #Dean Winchester #Destiel #Dean is bi #took a lot of self control for me to not go FUCKING FERAL in this #char writes things

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madcatdaderpydrawer-blog · 2 years

Text

Both brothers deal with heightened issues regarding their respective mental issues, since normally while they do still have them they also have the others support and so can at least sort of handle it easier. This is really obvious with Sun, cause yeah with Moon infected he’s a ball of anxiety and anybody can see that, but it would probably present differently with Moon just because he doesn’t HAVE anxiety; He has depression, which is obviously exasperated by his brothers condition as well but in ways that are less in your face noticeable due to how depression works but at the same time it’s still easy to tell that SOMETHING is wrong, even from Gregory’s perspective coming into the daycare in the role reversal au. Here are some symptoms I feel he’d portray stronger with his brother infected:

1) Angry outburts/frustration over minor things- Obviously, the lights. Gregory had no way of knowing what would trigger them to turn on, hell they don’t even KNOW if he was the one to turn them on, but Moon still screams at him for it and is only stopped when he hears Freddy over the fazwatch. Along with this when he does notice Gregory get close to the desk he yells at him, though quickly tries to quiet down and apologizes. Basically, his patience is very strained.

2) Sleep disturbance, too much/too little- This may be a surprise but I can see him having both of these issues. Sometimes he stays up for long periods of time just because he doesn’t want to let his mind wander and keeps himself busy, and sometimes he will sleep when he doesn’t need to charge just because he has no motivation to do anything else.

3) Loss of interest in hobbies/other things that usually cause interest or pleasure- He probably wouldn’t notice it, but it would definitely happen. Once he’s done with the day and the daycare is all cleaned, he doesn’t find himself having any motivation to read or do.. basically anything. One of the reasons why he sleeps so much: despite his charge being fine, he just has no energy and can’t bring himself to do anything he likes. All he wants to do is stop being conscious for a little while.

4) Feelings of sadness/hopelessness- Yeeep. His general pessimism definitely got worse, though he’s always been pessimistic and is rather good at hiding it so this might not be very easy to notice.

5) Feelings of worthlessness/guilt, fixating on past mistakes or self blame-

THIS!

this is the BIGGEST symptom that would be exapserated in the circumstances and no one can convince me otherwise. He literally insults and degrades himself compulsively, to the point where he has to be REMINDED to stop by the people around him. He can barely stop himself from doing it infront of CHILDREN, and probably did it infront of Gregory when they first met in the way of apologizing that Gregory was stuck with him instead of Sun. His trash self esteem is brought up constantly in the au, and the guilt matches as well. He feels responsible for his brothers condition, and CANNOT get over the guilt he feels for not noticing it sooner. It is such a constant thought of how he shouldn’t of let Sun leave the daycare, should’ve gone with him, should’ve made Sun go down to parts and services when he started acting off, everything. He has never fixated more on an issue in his life, but he has been fixating on this event for WEEKS and it is tearing him apart, It’s so goddamn unhealthy.

#tw depression #fnaf security breach au #role reversal au #daycare attendant #fnaf gregory #fnaf sun #sunrise #sundrop #fnaf moon #moondrop #tw anxiety #tw self esteem issues

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maplecornia · 3 years

Text

Chapter 4

𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱: 3.06K

𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶: You watched them from the sidelines ever since you were a young teenage girl. Now you’re grown up, they’ve returned after 2 long years and everything has changed. What happens when you pull back the mask and find the darkness within? What happens when you see that they’re broken?

𝔞/𝔫: this one is literally just revolving around one of the BTS members. i don't really have much else to say other than HYUNJIN'S BACK and I'm crying.

tags: @kookaine | @fangirl125reader | @kookiebbyxx | @taradevonne

Kim Namjoon never imagined he would lose his assistant.

JaeJin was a great worker and a great friend. He loved music and expressed it through his very soul, his every move whenever he danced or helped Namjoon produce a song. Namjoon smiles as his hand hovers over the soundboard.

In the back of his mind, he remembers the days spent here ever since Jaejin was promoted to his assistant. He remembers the first time he met his dear friend, how nervous Jaejin looked, unspoken excitement reverberating off of him in waves.

As Namjoon pushes up the volume on the soundboard, he thinks back to the moments spent as Jae learned how to be his assistant, as Namjoon taught him as much as he could. How what started as respect turned into a mutual friendship, and later, a brotherhood.

Though Namjoon is sad to see JaeJin go, he is happy to see his dream accomplished. He will miss Jae's smile, his laugh, and his good heart, but he knows that just because Jaejin is taking a different path doesn't mean they will cease to be friends.

As soon as Joon finishes a part of his song, he sighs, pulling away from the board and whipping out his phone.

He doesn’t know why he started thinking about him all of a sudden, he was one of the first people to know that Jae was leaving. Besides, he would see him soon, it’s not like Jaejin leaving for a couple of months means that he won’t ever see him again.

Standing, RM walks out of the room, leaving Suga to continue by himself.

He's lucky that Yoongi has his headphones on. If he caught Namjoon slacking he wouldn't get off easy. Carefully, RM exits the room, shutting the door softly behind him as he leans against the wall next to the door to the studio. Turning his phone on, he checks the time, his heart thumping slightly.

8:30 am.

Perhaps the reason his mind is so full of nostalgic memories is that he’s been waiting since last night to meet his new manager.

Jaejin said that his replacement should show up around this time, but he hasn't given much information other than that. Namjoon pockets his phone and heads down the hallway towards the front lobby.

Staff members pass by him, some working for TxT, others for the new girl group they put together about 3 years ago, and even more for the new boy group that BigHit began putting together in 2020.

Namjoon finds their presence surreal.

The members of BTS's staff have been around ever since their debut, and even more, have joined the crew over the years. These staff members will no doubt do the same for their groups, maybe stick around till the very end.

If anyone asked Namjoon's opinion, he would say it was the staff that had to do the real work. And all from behind the scenes. They are the ones who help them put on a great show. They are the ones who tutor them, provide for them, allow them to create their vision, their masterpiece. They are the stitches behind the fabric.

To Namjoon, BTS is just the face. The whole idea of them, of their message, was created through everyone's effort. Including ARMY, including their staff, including BTS themselves.

Losing one of their members would be like trying to fill a hole that cannot be filled.

Perhaps that's why Namjoon is so worried about Jaejin's replacement.

No one can truly replace him.

Namjoon never wanted a new manager.

There was a reason he chose Jaejin out of all the others, a reason he turned a backup dancer into his manager. He needs someone with the same passion, the same grit, the same determination that he has. Jaejin had that, and more. He was able to keep up with Namjoon’s crazy schedule, his unhealthy habits, his tendency to overwork himself.

Normally it was Suga trying to keep up with him, trying to help him, trying to do the best for him, but when he met Jaejin, he found exactly what he needed in a manager.

Will his replacement be able to do the same?

Entering the lobby, he knocks on the counter, where a receptionist is taking a call. She looks up at his knock and he smiles at her, receiving the usual smile back and a slight blush on her cheeks.

After a moment of their little staring contest, Namjoon grows impatient. He indicates silently that he’s waiting to speak with her and her eyes widen in realization. She nods sheepishly at his signal, holding up one finger to signify to him that she'll talk to him in a second. He complies, settling in as she continues her call, faintly aware of Kim Namjoon behind her.

Namjoon is never sure how to feel about these types of things.

People recognizing him in the street, others noticing him even with a disguise, he doesn't know what to do with the attention.

Why didn't people pay attention to him before? When he didn't have all the makeup, the money, and the influence? Are they looking at him because they appreciate who he is as a person?

Or because he is Kim Namjoon?

RM of BTS.

Putting the thought out of his mind, he turns his back to the receptionist, unlocking his phone, and opening the chat with Jaejin. He doesn't see any sign of his replacement, but then again, how would Namjoon know what she looks like?

Hey

YOUNG APPRENTICE- oh hi, what’s up hyung?

When was your replacement supposed to be here again?

YOUNG APPRENTICE- ummmmm, 8:00 am or so, why?

RM pulls away from his phone, looking around for any sign of a girl who looks lost or out of place in the lobby. Every time Jaejin talked about this so-called friend, he referred to them as a “she” so the only thing Namjoon knows about this new manager is the fact that she’s female.

Sadly, as he desperately scours the lobby, there's no sign of anyone there that fits the description. The one girl who was waiting in the waiting area has just been called aside and led to a meeting room. Namjoon, a little worried, bites his lip before a buzz in his hands causes him to glance at his phone.

YOUNG APPRENTICE- Namjoon?

Yeah?

I’m sorry it’s just….she’s not here yet

YOUNG APPRENTICE- WHAT

Namjoon rolls his eyes playfully at Jae's reaction before walking out of the lobby. If she's not here, there's no need to hang around, and it doesn't seem as though the receptionist is paying much attention anyway.

As he leaves, the receptionist stares after him almost hopelessly, Namjoon oblivious to the longing gaze.

He glances at his phone once more maneuvering his way through the hallways of the building.

YOUNG APPRENTICE- are you sure?

YOUNG APPRENTICE- I'm gonna murder her

Well I can’t know for sure

Could I have a picture or maybe a name?

YOUNG APPRENTICE- I never gave you one?

Not to my knowledge

YOUNG APPRENTICE- oh I am so sorry hyung! Her name is Lin Yen and just give me a minute and I'll find you a picture

"Lin...Yen...." Namjoon murmurs, pondering it in his mind.

"Just who exactly are you?" he whispers, putting the phone down once more as he comes to a stop in a corner of the hallway.

Yen...he repeats in his mind, playing around with it, trying to see how it sounds on his tongue, how it feels circling in his thoughts, how it plays on his voice.

It's a beautiful name, one he hasn't heard often, and for some reason, he feels as though it's foreign. Another vibration from his phone jolts him out of his pondering thoughts, and he looks down at the screen, immediately bursting out laughing.

Jaejin has sent the picture of you, but it's not just any picture.

It's a picture of you eating salad.

But that's not what makes it so funny.

You and Jaejin are at a Korean BBQ in the picture, and you hold the signature salad bowl up to your face, your chopsticks hooked around an enormous bite. You're shoving the bite into your mouth, your cheeks puffed up like chipmunks, your eyes wide and nose pinched.

Your expression, your face, the fact that you're attempting to shove a huge bite into your mouth, everything about the picture is hilarious, and Namjoon can't stop looking at it.

He can't stop looking at you.

Now he is sure that you are a foreigner, with that complexion and your facial features. You aren't necessarily tall, but not super short either. Then again, Namjoon doesn't think that Park Jimin is short, so what does he know?

One thing is for sure, though…

You are beautiful.

And it’s not only the physical things that make you beautiful, though they are a contributing factor.

It’s the personality.

The charisma that exuberates off of you, managing to touch him most charmingly through a mere photo. The way you smile, how it lights up your eyes. The blush of your cheeks, and even the color of your hair. Everything about you has captured his attention, and he can't look away.

His smile doesn't want to fade, so he covers his face with his hand, leaning against the wall. No doubt he looks like an idiot, but he doesn't care.

You have that gift.

The natural gift of familiarity when you are less than strangers.

And it has surprised him. The cool, calm, professional, wise Namjoon wouldn't have thought that such a thing could reach his heart...and yet he can't stop smiling.

"Namjoon."

Startled, the smile fading just as quickly as it began, Namjoon jumps, his phone slipping out of his grip. Frantic, and a bit embarrassed, he fumbles to catch it before it falls, but to no avail.

He watches in hopeless despair as the phone hits the ground with a sickening thud, the screen immediately cracking at the impact of the harsh tiled floor.

Namjoon lets out a groan, while a slender, pale hand reaches out and picks it up. Wincing, he glances to his side.

Where Min Yoongi holds his phone in between his fingers as though it were a dirty piece of trash; looking unamused. Glaring at him with a stare as cold as ice, he drops it into RM’s hands before folding his arms across his chest. Namjoon rolls his eyes at his luck, sighing inwardly.

He doesn't look too happy.

"Hey, Yoongi, I--"

"Yes, please explain, Kim Namjoon." Yoongi drawls, his voice monotone and sending shivers down Namjoon’s spine. Almost shamefully, Namjoon turns off his phone and slides it back into his pocket, avoiding that icy stare.

"You're supposed to be helping, yet you left for what? To laugh at memes? Now is not the time to be fooling around with Jackson for heaven's sakes!” Though Yoongi doesn’t raise his voice, the severity of his tone is enough to make it seem as though he has and Namjoon has to restrain himself from visibly flinching away from him. After a moment of silence, Suga sighs, rubbing his temple with frustration. “Why are you so distracted today?"

Joon has been asking himself the same question.

"For one thing, they weren't memes and I wasn’t talking to Jackson. It was a picture of Jaejin's replacement. I was trying to see if she's arrived yet." He explains, a bit indignantly, before walking away towards the studio once more, hoping to escape the conversation.

He should have remembered that nothing escapes Yoongi.

"And did she?" Suga follows Namjoon, managing to walk fast enough to catch up with him and yet still look nonchalant and unbothered. RM sighs at the question, speeding up his pace, as he notices the studio door in the distance.

Jumping at the opportunity, Namjoon makes a break for the door, Yoongi calling after him in surprise. He reaches it, leaving Suga behind in the dust. Opening the door he sinks into a chair as though it were a refuge from the uncomfortable situation he found himself in. As Yoongi comes to a stop in front of the door, Namjoon acts as though he were there the entire time.

"Do you need something?" he asks innocently, and Yoongi rolls his eyes, walking in and closing the door behind him before settling into a chair of his own.

"Yes. I need you to focus on this project. This is important, and is nowhere near done if it's going to be our next title track." He murmurs, immediately setting to work, his mouse echoing in the silence. Biting his bottom lip in guilt, RM turns back to his phone, frowning a bit at the sight of the cracked screen.

Yoongi is right, Namjoon knows this.

They dedicated this day to work on BTS’s new title song.

Namjoon especially wanted Yoongi to produce it because of his incredible skill and work ethic. He practically begged him to take time off from his other projects to work on this with him, Yoongi is sacrificing a lot of his time just to be here.

Namjoon knows how important time can be.

It doesn’t help matters considering how this song is so essential to their comeback album. Promotion is still far off, but it doesn't change the circumstances. ARMY waited for them for so long to come back to them, it’s only fair that they give them the most groundbreaking album they can.

But RM can't focus.

And it’s for such a stupid reason.

Just because Jaejin is gone doesn't mean the world will fall apart.

He knows this, it's just...

Namjoon smiles a bit bitterly, turning back to the booth as he resumes his work once more.

"She wasn't there." Suga turns to Namjoon at the sound of his voice. Namjoon notices but doesn't pay any mind, continuing to play with the soundboard, creating his type of spell, his sort of magic. "In response to your question."

Yoongi doesn't respond, waiting for Namjoon to finish. That's the way he is, sometimes RM can’t finish a thought in one sentence and it takes him a moment to piece things together, what with everything else running through that expansive mind of his. Suga knows when to wait, when to stay silent, and allow RM a chance to tell him everything he needs to.

He's no stranger to listening to people, especially when it comes to Namjoon.

Sometimes, Joon just needs to let something out without anyone saying anything, and Yoongi won't say anything unless he feels it's necessary. He’ll listen, and be there for anyone to lean on, able to offer them the emotional support they need to carry on.

"I'm sorry, I guess I'm a little nervous to meet her." After a moment, Yoongi responds to him, his soft voice carrying across the room in a comforting murmur.

"What's the big deal? If she's professional, she'll be perfect. I'm sure there's nothing to be worried about." He reassures him. RM nods, trying to concentrate once more, and put the thought of your arrival to the back of his mind.

Maybe Yoongi is right, maybe there is nothing to be worried about.

However, Namjoon can't help but think that your arrival will change their lives.

And who knows if it'll be for the better?

𝔫𝔬𝔱𝔢: how are you guys liking Jaejin now? lol

chapter 5 here

check the Infinite Stars masterlist for more chapters

check my BTS masterlist for other BTS content

check out my masterlist for other kpop fanfics

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