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#why am i writing a novel down here idk i just wanted to talk about it a little

bomberqueen17 · 26 days

Text

deep in the obsession

ok so IDK how much I've talked about my Special Interest in the Bronze Age on here. At one point (like nanowrimo of 2003 or so) I was trying to write a novel set in the British Isles Bronze Age and I researched as much as I could and there just wasn't much information and I wrote some stuff anyway but it petered out. And ever since then I've kept checking back on various avenues of research and every time there's a new find I'd read as much as I could find about it. And then they discovered the remains of a pile-dwelling settlement in the Fens in England and they've finally just now published the results of that? Well of course I've been obsessively reading about it. (I had actually emailed the Cambridge Archaeology Unit a couple of months ago to ask where I could find the publications, so the timing was good.)

I mean the long and short of it is, they've got a site exposed by modern quarrying activity, which consists of five remaining buildings, which burned down and collapsed into the river channel with all their contents in the 9th century BC; the inhabitants escaped with very few of their possessions, and the rest of the assembly of the items they used in their daily lives are largely present, very well-preserved; whole sets of pots and woodworking tools, as well as textiles and textile-processing materials, foodstuffs, wooden tools, and enough building materials to almost entirely reconstruct their dwellings; a enormous wealth of information about their diets, their ways of living, even some feel for their aesthetic sensibilities. The circumstances of the buildings' collapse even means we know how they laid out their living spaces.

So I am going to infodump about what I've pulled out of these rather dense and dry reports (I have zero complaints, they're perfectly appropriately-written), so buckle up.

Firstly, if you want to read these yourself, the publications are open access PDFs hosted on the Cambridge Archaeology Unit's website here.

There are also a fantastic series of blog posts both from during the excavation and from during the initial analytical "post-ex" phase on the site's website, which I devoured while waiting for the final reports.

I admit I was first drawn to the whole thing, when I first saw stories about it, because of the mystery. It seems to have been a whole settlement, a village maybe, and it all burned down at once, and no humans seem to have died in it, but everyone left everything behind, even leaving a dog in one of the buildings, and some penned little lambs in a couple of them-- what caused this? Were they attacked? Were they forced out of it? It had a palisade around it as if for defense, did they build it because they were afraid, and rightfully so?? Why did they not come back to try to salvage anything? The water would have been shallow, surely they could at least get their axe-heads and things back.

But the thing that has sustained my interest now is that it appears to have been an unexceptional village after all. There's no evidence that these were elite people living here. There weren't any unambiguous weapons found-- part of a broken sword, in what was obviously a recycle bin (a wooden bucket), waiting along with some broken chisels and a bent axe and part of a broken bronze bucket for a trip back to the nearest metalworker. Some spears, but likely used for hunting, stored outside the houses all together leaned up against the palisade under an overhanging roof eave. Axes, but the sheer quantity of woodworking in the site means they were very obviously woodworking tools, and weapons only by technicality.

Other contemporaneous sites are preserved so incompletely that there are always "was this a place people dwelled or was it a ceremonial gathering place" kinds of questions. Artifacts are found either discarded in middens, broken, or deposited in hoards, "ceremonially?". But all this stuff is in-context, in the house, which burned down and collapsed straight down. This was the kitchen area, obviously; all the houses had most of their pots in the same approximate spot, caches of grain in the same area. This corner is where we find stuff they were working on-- one house has probably a loom, and tons of textile-related stuff scattered around it. (There's only evidence for a loom in one or maybe two of the buildings, but there are spindle whorls and bobbins of thread in three; several spinners providing one weaver, as is common throughout history.)

Some of the pots had been broken before the fire, and some of them had been partially discarded and partially kept, like for example a well-shaped broken bit of rim was being used as a scoop or something, while the little unusable shards had gotten chucked into the river where they threw their trash; the archaeologists could reunite fragments to prove this, and could derive the information that these shards would all be associated with the same house; they weren't shared, they were using the broken pot in the same house where they'd used it before it was broken; they seem to have cooked their meals separately, and kept separate inventory of basic household necessities. But the extra stuff seems to have been stored in the communal storage shed, so they could all get to it.

There's a large but incomplete sheet of bark that in places has a second sheet adhered to it with moss in between, which was likely bedding.

There are textiles, not just woven ones but also weft-twined ones made from lime bast cord-- mats, or hats, or capes. There's a knotted fishing net that was rolled up and in a pile with other things in an area that seems to have been a storage shed of sorts. (Near the "recycle bin" full of broken metal.) There's a collection of prepared fiber, ready to be made into cordage or spun into thread, and it's all prepared the same way in standard-sized bundles-- tantalizingly, regular enough as if for trade, stored in that storage shed next to a nested set of new pots-- like somebody had bought or made them and they weren't put to use yet, OR someone had made extra they intended to trade offsite for stuff they couldn't make themselves.

The whole sets of pots are broadly the same among households-- similar numbers of large vs. small, coarse vs. fine. They all resemble one another, though some are better-made than others-- as if several people made them, but under the guidance of one experienced worker.

Several pots and wooden containers have food residues. Hauntingly, there's a ceramic pot that was still half-full of porridge, with a wooden spatula/spoon still stuck in it. The porridge was made of ground wheat cooked in a liquid containing animal fats from a ruminant-- either sheep/goat or red deer-- possibly an early example of frumenty.

Enough of the structural timbers remain from the buildings, many with markings on them from where other structural elements were touching them and alternately exposed/protected them from fire so it is possible to reconstruct shapes and connections in more detail than if they were unburnt ruins, that the buildings can be nearly completely reconstructed, which is novel because most buildings of this era are known only from footprints/post holes. Almost no material survived from the walls, but because of these ghost "protection marks" it's possible to know that the walls existed, how wide they were, that they were attached in a particular spot, that they were made of a series of small uprights-- and to then surmise that some of the fragments of "wattle", woven panels, must have come from the walls in some cases. And it's possible to reconstruct the innovative, never-elsewhere-seen sprung floor system of bowed joists that kept the floors securely above the water below.

Anyway, I've devoured Vol I and am most of the way through scouring Vol II for interesting tidbits.

Yes of course I want to write a novel with this as the setting but I also am just completely fascinated.

#about the author #must farm #archaeology #bronze age

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astolfofo · 10 months

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deja vu, Jamis vu

BSD beast au x reader. Based on the end of the beast movie. AUTHORS NOTE: SO. ITS FINALLY DONE. ITS 4AM I AM ON IPAD TUMBLR AND UHHHH… I tried to edit this. but. TUMBLR WAS BEING AN ASS. and the two hours I spent editing this went down the drain. Mere words could not describe the grief I felt at 3:37 in the morning. I would have screamed if I weren’t so zombieified. Then, I tried to be paitent and edit it another time, but tumblr was like: haha no. so it didn’t save. I swear it’s not my fault if you have a stroke while reading this. I sacrificed my sleep for an entire week to do write this. Please give me some credit for my suffering. /lh

Also keep in mind. I have watched the DA movie and the beast movie a whopping total of 1 time. It’s probably very off from what I was trying to communicate, cause I legit have no clue what goes on in the light novels... spare me the slander.

Last thing, I tried something new with this one, so there’s weird ahh switches between first person and 2nd person in this. Idk how good it is, lmk if i should never do it again.

Tw: head injury, murder, blood, suicide, yeah I think that’s about it.

word count: 6.8k

To all the Chuuya enjoyers out there, I’m sorry for being a disappointment.

Tags: @redeemingmygloryintopurgatory

I’m wet.

Im standing outside his door, knocking as it rains outside, without an umbrella, cold, and of course, drenched.

Helplessly, I knock on his door, hoping for a response from him. I know it’s pointless, by now. I should cut him out of my life by now, I should… leave him. He’s not a good person, he’s part of the Port Mafia, for the love of god… I’m scared of him. He could crush me at any moment. Hell, he breaks into my house so frequently, and even though he’s done no harm… he could kill me at any moment. So why am I here? Shouldn’t I be relieved that he hasn’t shown up at my apartment for over a month now? I… just can’t…

Lightening splits the sky in half and the sound of thunder cracks in the air.

Your fist slides down the window pane of the door. It makes a terrible sound, and you wince in pain from the sting of the friction. You should just go home. It was obvious Chuuya wasn’t even home, he never was. And if he wasn’t even home, how would he even answer the door? You regret coming here in the first place, you didn’t even know why you chose to. Was it out of worry? Was it because you had to say something to him? You couldn’t remember by now, it was all on impulse.

Chuuya had broken into your apartment countless times. Still, no matter how many times you’d snap at him, how many times you’d emptily threaten him, or try to push him off the balcony, he still came back the next day, unphased. You couldn’t get rid of him, no matter how hard you tried. And after many days, you had learned to accept that someone could break into your home at any given moment.

And you had no knowledge of how he knew you, let alone knowledge of how he even got your house key. Or maybe he picked your lock. You couldn’t be sure and you really did not want to know.

Every day, you’d come back home from work, and Chuuya would be sitting on your couch, drinking your wine (much to your own distaste). You’d usually give him a dirty look, and he’d glare in return but you’d say nothing. You preferred not to talk to him, and Chuuya wouldn’t raise conversations by himself. He always sat in the corner of the room, observing… scrutinizing every move you made. On the rare occasions when you had managed to start a conversation with him, it was always painfully awkward.

You once remember asking him why he was here, what he wanted from you, and his true intentions. Chuuya looked at you in an amused manner and stared out the window.

“Why I’m doing this? You’ll find out yourself when the time is right.”

By the time you had woken up, he was always gone. As if he was never there in the first place. The only thing he’d leave was the wine glass he’d drink out of, and your clothes you had hauled back from the laundromat messily folded, in your drawer. Occasionally, when it warm out, he’d leave the window open. They were small actions. Meant to be noticed, but not returned.

The splashing of rain intensifies, as you stand on Chuuya’s porch. He’s not home. You can’t stand here forever. You have to get back home before it’s too late.

What a great way to spend my time off work.

But you wanted to try one last thing before you left. Maybe his door was unlocked the entire time. Although you would doubt it, it was worth a try. It was so stupid to do this, all of it was. But your curiosity is getting the best of you, and you desperately wanted answers. Answers only Chuuya could give.

So, you grip the door handle and twist the doorknob. Much to your shock, the mechanics of the door click, and the door opens.

Chuuya had left the door unlocked. He forgot to lock his own door. You take a step up, and stand in the doorway. The rain is still hitting your back, and you groan realizing that you’re dripping water onto the floor. Quickly, you step in and shut the door. You twist the lock, ensuring that no one else would come in.

You sure hope Chuuya wasn’t going to come home tonight. The thought of it made the hair on your neck stand slightly.

You take off your shoes which are drenched in water and stare in the mirror. You’re soaked to the bone. Your clothes are completely see-through. You’d need to change them. That could wait, though. If the rain stopped, you’d go home as soon as possible.

Okay. Quick in and out it is. I need to find my spare key, and I need to find what happened to him after the explosion in the sky that day. The one that happened on the top of the… port mafia building. You shudder. I wonder what happened. It was so bright that it looked as if the sky exploded for a second. The next thing you know, everything is back to normal… except it isn’t. A dead body is found at the bottom of the building.

Followed by that, I never saw Chuuya again, but many people that were close to me have been avoiding me. When asked why, they avoided my question. There isn’t a strong connection there, but I think… that all of these events are connected somehow. Chuuya never appears again, and the fact he works for the Port Mafia, definetly does not help.

Additionally, the Armed Dective Agency sent me a letter to be wary of Chuuya. With no additional information. There’s something going on here. Something is wrong. Something terribily wrong.

And I’m scared.

Apprehensively, you take several steps inside the house. You keep getting the feeling that you may get caught. But you don’t hear anything at the door. It’s a painful paranoia.

You inhale and exhale.

I’ll start looking for hints first. I don’t need an answer right away. One hint will be able to give me lots. I’ll start from his room, that’s where people are most likely to hide things.

You walk as quickly as possible across the empty corridor in the house. His house is eerily empty. There isn’t much in it, just a lot of furniture, a shelf of wine, messy papers and a few books placed sparsely across the rooms.

You walk up the stairs, which slightly creaks under your weight. You try your best to ignore any noises and try to stay focused. As you reach the top of the stairs, you see his bedroom, which is the first room at the end of the staircase.

You walk towards the room, you open the door and look around. Chuuya’s room is surprisingly fuller than the rest of the house. There is a dresser, with several items stacked on top of it. It has drawers, which you assume were full. His closet was also filled with clothes, with various hats on the shelf above in his closet.

Chuuya’s bed was neatly made, giving the impression that he had not been home in weeks. Unoccupied, cold, and abandoned. Yet you felt a temptation to lie in it either way. Your eyes dart to the dresser again, and you look at the various items spread out on it. None of these are of much use to you. Besides the gun that seemed unused.

Your hands move to the drawers and you begin to search them. In the first one, there was nothing. Just a bunch of stationery, and papers, some of which had blood on them. You shudder in disgust and move on.

You struggled to pull the second drawer. After a moment, it slides open and you look at the inside contents. You stare at it, wondering if you open it. There is no address on it, and it isn’t sealed.

You have a bad feeling about this, but your hands move faster than your brain. You pull out the piece of paper and read its contents.

The letter is addressed to you. It doesn’t include much. Just A single sentence that holds an address.

And then it hits you.

Chuuya had been planning this for a long time. He had purposely left the door unlocked, left his house empty, and left you because he knew you would try to find him one day.

It infuriates you more than you expect. But you can’t stop here. You’ll go to a specific location.

Just to be sure, you look in the third drawer, you see your spare key, as well as a lock cutter.

Its dark now. It’s still pouring. You have no choice to stay here for tonight. Begrudgingly, you curse yourself for dragging yourself into this. Still, you were in too deep to back out now. Whatever happens, will happen.

You wake up.

You're lying on Chuuya's bed, in his clothes, begrudgingly. Your own clothes are discarded onto the floor, dried during the time you had been asleep. Still, you don't exactly feel like changing into them. It felt too gross to wear them.

You shake your head. Now's not the time to be thinking about that. You sit up, and stretch your arms. Then, you walk towards the desk again, and look at the address. You take note of the address, and take your spare key. Before you go, you flip over the paper, ensuring that you didn't miss anything. There's another sentence scribbled on the top of the paper.

I know you're reading this. You want to know why I'm gone, and why I did this. The address that is provided will help you, but it will not give you the answer, nor will I be there.

…What?

You read the sentence over and over again. The words sink in, making you feel conflicted. You knew you were getting yourself into a certain kind of danger by doing this, but you didn't expect it to be this risky. Hell, you didn't even know where the man was now, and not to mention… the location…

You look at the location again.

It's on the street where the explosion happened. And you're no fool. If it was on that street, it meant it was that building. There were no other possibilities. You doubt it would be any other one of those tall skyscrapers, anyways. The one where the explosion happened was the only building Chuuya had any affiliations with.

Which was going to be incredibly difficult to get into. Let alone, to the top floor. You'd be dead even trying to set foot into the door. It wasn't worth your life for this. You should forget about it and go back home.

You look through the paper again, hoping there might be something more to help you. Sighing, you came back with nothing. I suppose I really have to go through with this, don't I? There's no turning back.

The walk to the Port Mafia's building was rather short, if you were being completely honest. It was located in the heart of Yokohama, and was one of the tallest buildings there, if that told you anything.

You stand outside the building, as the apprehension and fear build up inside you. You had never felt as much of a need to run from anything, as much as you did now. The doors, despite their grandeur size, and large glass design, looked uninviting. Almost like doors to a bank vault; the kind of doors that told you, you wouldn't be able to get out, as soon as you stepped in. And from various things people has told you throughout the years, the Port Mafia keeps people it's had come into contact with. It's more powerful beyond belief.

It doesn't need to control you. You'll be forced into being pliant for them, simply by fear. No one can betray them. Death is almost a guarantee if you do.

And recently, they had also become violent as well. You might as well be walking yourself into a death wish.

But your feet remained rooted into the ground, and part of you remains determined to see this through. So you take a deep breath and walk into the building.

You try to remain calm as you push through the doors, into the lobby. You pray Hou won't be swatted with bullets as soon as you enter, but much to your own surprise, there's no one in the lobby. It's completely empty.

It doesn't feel right. You wonder if what happened. Well, it's not your business anyways. You couldn't care less. You just needed to find whoever Chuuya's office is and-

"Who are you?"

shit. you curse under your breath. "I-I'm," you turn around to face the person talking g to you. As soon as you do this, the man's eyes widen, and you acknowledge away slightly. "Sorry… um… do you know where Chuuya is?"

You had never felt so idiotic and out of place in your life. You can physically feel your heart pounding inside your chest, as you pray you don't look too suspicious. You can't mess up here. Though the man you are currently talking to isn't holding any firearm. That may just as well mean he has even worse methods to kill you off.

"He's not here."

of course, he isn't. You think to yourself. He wrote that in his own letter, or whatever you call it.

"He's been arrested." The man looks you directly into your eyes, and as on instinct, you look down, too scared to actually look at him. A few moments pass in silence.

"Can you… perhaps tell me why?"

"After the previous Port Mafia executive committed suicide, Chuuya was forced to lead the Port Mafia. He hated the job greatly, and he eventually…" He stops himself.

"Go on." You mutter.

The man tilts his head and looks at you again. "Are you sure? If you want to see him… it's better just to see for yourself." He stops for a second.

"No… please tell me. Tell me everything that you possibly can."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Fine then. If you insist."

"Chuuya lost his control over himself. He slowly became more, deranged, if you will, as time went on. After the old executive killed himself, Chuuya had no one left. Or at least, that's what we saw. His orders became more and more irrational, often just resorting to killing everything, and slowly, he eventually broke. He went on a rampage, as you've probably seen, Yokohama is not safe with him around. He almost destroyed Yokohama in its entirety, and it took serveral organizations to stop him. I don't know the exact details after that. He remains locked up underground."

You feel as if you had been doused under cold water. You didn't only have your question answered, but that also explained several other things as well. You try to recollect your thoughts while figuring out what to do next.

"By the way, you look familiar."

"How so?"

"I don't know, to he honest. You look like someone who used to work here. Maybe my mind js tricking me, though. You look too weak to be here."

"Yeah," you force out an awkward laugh, "I could never work here for the life of me."

"Figures."

another awkward pause, as you stare at the man.

"I assume you need Chuuya's location, don't you?"

You nod.

"Here." He hands you a piece of paper, with an address messily scrawled onto it. "Although, I don't recommend going to see him, tell the guards you are a relative of his. Hopefully, it will convince them enough to let you in. Though, if you want, I'm sure you can attempt to knock the guards out. Chuuya's well… very restrained so he won't hurt you."

"Ah… thank you."

"Don't mention it."

You bow and leave.

"Hey wait-" the man calls out, his voice echoing through the empty lobby. He seems hesitant to ask something. You stop and turn around. "Yeah?"

He looks down, and awkwardly avoids eye contact for a second. It's at this moment you realize he's a man with short, white, hair, as well thick bangs that were cut into a slant. He’s rather short, and he’s wearing a long jacket.

He looks… familiar. I wonder why.

“What’s your name?”

You stare at him for another moment before answering. “It’s Y/N.”

You could have sworn you had seen a face of surprise from him for a second, but it could have been your imagination because the next instant you blink, it’s gone. “I see,” he says slowly. “Be careful then. He’s not the same as what you may remember.”

As… I remember? What….

“Nevermind. Forget I said anything. Just go to the address, and everything will make sense.”

“Hey wait-”

He’s already turned his back and left on you. You’re left with so many more questions than you started off with, and dread creeps up you again. There was a warning tone in his voice, almost as if telling you to do this was a terrible idea. That you were going to be landing yourself in scalding hot water, and you wouldn’t be able to get out. You knew the risks from the start, but…

You quickly unfold the paper, and look for the address. Once again, the address is written in the center of the paper. You carefully look around for any other writing on the paper.

It’s completely white. Blank. Except for one sentence on the bottom: It’s never too late to back out.

And you stare at it, and think about the several cryptic warnings you received from this man. So… you’re telling me, that after that explosion happened in the sky… a dead body, the previous executive was found. Then shortly after that, Chuuya became the executive of the Mafia. He hated it. But he had no choice and was left alone to do it. Eventually, he lost his sanity and mind and the Mafia… I guess? Because very corrupt, violent, and unsafe. It took many people to stop him, and how he was arrested in an underground cell. At this address.

It’s clear he’s cutting something out. He said to be careful. Of course, if Chuuya has lost his mind, I need to do that. But he empathized that I should be wary of him. Also, he said I looked familiar, and he also looks familiar to me. He mentioned something about… me remembering? Have I known Chuuya for longer?

But he also said that only Chuuya has the answers to all my questions. So that means in other words, he knows what happened during the explosion, he knows that Chuuya has been breaking into my apartment and he knows more about my entire predicament now, than I do.

Just… who exactly is he? How and why?

You cut yourself off from those thoughts.

Ugh. this is ending up being so much more complicated than it was supposed to be. You thought in bitterness. So basically, I’ll go to the address, and get the answers to my questions. Sounds simple enough. There’s no need to overthink this. Maybe i’m just being paranoid. What’s the worst that could happen?

Well, a lot. But I’ll just ignore that for now.

You turn around and walk towards the door again. To be honest, you don’t want to know what might happen once you see him. You were already nervous from the implications the man had told you moments ago, and you were coming to realize there were some things that you noticed when you were in Chuuya’s house. Things that you maybe weren’t supposed to know about or see.

In the bottom of the drawer… there were documents. Documentation of everything that happened on the day of the explosion. A bright light illumined the sky, followed by the dead body found; the previous port mafia’s executive; Dazai Osamu. The two closest people to the explosion were a member of the port mafia, Atsushi Nakajima, and a member in the training of the Armed Detective Agency, Ryounouske Akuwatagawa. They are believed to be the cause of the explosion.

No one knows the exact events inside the Port Mafia on that day, except for the individuals involved in the actions that happened. According to the Armed Detective Agency, Akuwtagawa had barged into the Port Mafia to challenge the Port Mafia Executive. He accordingly, fought many individuals in the Port Mafia, a body count is yet to be determined. Data from thereon forth is unknown until the individuals reach the top of the building, where the most notorious event stated above occurred.

Additionally, after thorough examination of the body of the previous Port Mafia Excuetive, it can be concluded that he had committed suicide by jumping off the building.

The document ends there, and the paper is ripped in half.

It felt like every meter you travelled towards that location was walking towards a terrible, yet inevitable fate. The drive there, dragged on and on as if mocking you for your choices. You find yourself counting down the seconds until you can arrive at the location given.

Oh, how you wished you had stayed at home instead of seeking him out. If only your morbid curiosity hadn’t gotten the best of you.

You’ve lost track of the time you’ve spent on the train, only waiting for the loudspeaker to announce your stop. The location you figure you were given led you to a rather remote area, likely in the outskirts of Yokohama. If not further. The man had told you he was locked underground, completely isolated from everything.

You found that part the most unsettling. If they needed that many security measures to keep him in place, it was likely he was completely gone. Gone beyond saving. If he had succumbed that much to his own grief and madness, it would be a question of whether he would still remember you or not.

You look out the window again, enjoying your last moments of peace.

This is the eerie calm before the storm, isn’t it?

Moments after you think that, the train halts to a stop at the last station in Yokohama, and you get off. Your heart is pounding wildly in your chest, and you’re not sure if you can stop it.

You try your best to remain calm. Force yourself to keep going. He’s special to you. You can’t lose him, even if you hate him. You need him. He’s the only one who still cares.

And above all, he’s the only one who remembers you at all.

And so, you go. You take all the correct turns. You try to walk as quickly as you could, to arrive at the destination. You keep going, and going and going until…

You’re here.

It’s one of the better buildings on the outskirts of the city, yet… it looks incredibly unsettling. It’s a mundane building, one made from standard concrete, and glass. Yet. As you stand so close, you see cracks in the building. The door is partially cracked as well.

Well, I’m here already. Whatever happens, happens. I may die in there, still, before I die, I have to know the answer. The answer… why can’t I remember? Chuuya. I want him to tell me, what he did to me. Why he came to my apartment every day. Why he’s… he’s…..

Oh. My hands are shaking. Surely I cannot be this terrified can I? I will do this even if it kills me.

You pull the door open and enter the building. The piece of paper told you that it was on the lowest floor. Your footsteps echo in the empty building, and it feels creepy no one is here.

Huh. Gives some Deja Vu, doesn’t it?

You proceed towards the elevator at the end of the hall, and press the down button. Almost instantly, the elevator makes a “ding” noise, and the doors open. You quickly step in and look for the lowest button. With a deep breath, you push the button, and the door closes.

You stare at your face in the mirror. You look terrible. Pale and your hair is completely dishevelled and a mess. If you didn’t know any better, you’d look like you were sick. You had been extremely anxious about this for an entire day, after all.

The elevator doors once again slide open.

Here goes nothing. You sigh. I’d better hear you talking today, Chuuya. You have a lot to tell me. And you’d better tell me it all.

You step outside the elevator. There’s nothing. Absolutely nothing, and no one here. The halls are empty, and the strong scent of stale air, combined with dust fills your nostrils. You feel like coughing for a second, but you hold yourself back. You didn’t want to make any noise to give away your presence. You take another step.

Despite what the man said, it was clear that there was no one else there. No prison guards, no other cells inside. It was clearly a floor made, simply to detain one individual in particular. Isolated, and secure enough that they’d never be able to escape. Deep enough underground that they’d never even know where they were.

Your footsteps tap loudly against the concrete and echo everywhere around. As you walk down the hall, the lightbulbs behind you light up. The man had told you it was in the deepest part of the prison. However, what he didn’t account for, was that you had no idea how this floor was organized.

Not to mention it was starting to get creepy really quickly. Although there should be nothing else in here, you were starting to get the sense that there was something dangerous that might lurk in the air. You tell yourself it’s probably just the dark and your own fatigue and you were imagining things.

The emptiness of the entire building creeps you out. It’s eerie. It feels like you were lead into the wrong location, and you were walking into a dead end. It almost felt almost like a trap that you had been lured into. And every second, the floor grew significantly more eerie. The lack of any presence and the darkness despite the very few lightbulbs attached to the ceiling enhanced that.

I should be getting close now… right?

You were. You could see a light at the end of this hallway, which was illuminated with an orange light. It must have been where Chuuya’s cell was. There was no other place as illuminated as this, and there was no reason for it to be.

You had gotten this far. There was no reason you should be stopping now. Should you? The answer… you had always looked for, you could get it now.

Chuuya always hid something from me. He has never answered once, one of my questions. He’s never told me why he comes to my house every day, he never told me once why he was gone. For as long as I remember, I’ve been coming back from my job, and seeing him there. But one day, he disappeared. No reason why, no reason of how. He just did.

But apart from my job, there’s another piece missing to this puzzle. There’s something else that I’ve always wanted to ask him besides why he’s gone missing, and the explosion which I already had the answer to. He knows me, better than I know myself.

What was I before all of this happened?

I know there’s something before all of this. It just doesn’t add up. The man I saw in the mafia looked familiar. The building itself was in a place that I had felt I had been in at some time before. There’s deja vu there.

But when I first walked into the apartment, the first day before I saw Chuuya, I had jamais vu. A familiar place, that I didn’t know. And consequently, I couldn’t remember much before that. So what-

“I know you’re there, (Y/N). You’ve been standing there for quite some time.”

Shit.

Your thoughts are cut off by that voice you instantly knew. Chuuya was indeed, there. But his voice didn’t sound the same as you remember. There wasn’t any of the snarkiness, or egotistical attitude in his voice anymore. Instead, his voice was laced with aggression, and a malice that made you hesitant to even come forward.

You open your jaw to speak, but almost if Chuuya knew, he spoke before you. “I know what you’re thinking. You want to know why I left you, don’t you? I assume that someone has already told you about what happened on the day I stopped seeing you, and I’m sure you know all about the aftermath of that.”

You feel like you are doused in cold water. How did he know? Did he plan all of this. You want to open your mouth and tell him to slow down, but he continues, anyways.

“And you’ve been having deja vu for several days, too. You feel like you know the Port Mafia building, you feel like you recognize everything you saw, including my home.” Silence, as he pauses for a second. “So why don’t you… come and face me, and I’ll tell you what actually happened?”

“Chuuya-”

You hear no response. You sigh and walk towards his cell. You’re not ready to hear this, and you’re not sure you can face him.

He’s different. He’s not the same anymore. He sounds more violent, his composture is much less controlled than it was before. What…what happened to him?

And then you approach his cell. He’s got cuts everywhere, specifically the gash on his face. You instantly feel the need to run away, to get this image out of your mind. He was thin, his face was significantly more gaunt than it had been the last time you had seen him. And the most unsettling thing was how he was kept. Both arms were harshly chained to the ceiling and the wall. The chains were wrapped around his arms several times (you would assume most likely to stop him from breaking free), and they cut deeply into his arm. Then his body was also tightly bound to a chair, and his legs were bound to the chair’s legs. His body you noticed, was bound so tightly to the chair, you wonder how he still managed to breathe. Still, nothing would be as unnerving as to look at as his eyes. They were not dull per say, but they were empty. Not in the hopeless kind of way, but in the tormented sense that he had been tortured so badly that it would be unlikely he ever saw the light of day again.

Truly, he was a lost cause. You could only describe him as tortured and traumatized, as you couldn’t glance at him a second time.

“Hey. You done oogling yet?” His voice came out as almost an aggressive snarl, and you instantly look away. “Look at me.” You do your best to look at him, while trying to avoid looking at any part of his face in particular. You didn’t want to see it. Truly, you don’t want to look at him in any way whatsoever. So you settle on looking at a corner of his hair. The only thing that was still familiar to you.

“I said look at me. In the eyes.”

You don’t want to.

Chuuya sighs. “I know I probably look terrible right now, but please. Just do it. For the sake of me. Just look me in the eyes. It’ll probably be the last time I see someone for a long time.” He draws that last sentence out for longer than you expect, and you start to feel uneasy again, but you try to ignore that and ask him the question. The question you had been dying to ask for an undefined amount of time.

It’s a second before you can really bring yourself to ask it. “Chuuya. Where are my memories?” your mouth tightens… “Who am I? Why did you… do this?” You take a deep breath, to stop yourself. “Just tell me. Please.”

There’s another stretched-out pause before Chuuya responds again. “I knocked you out.”

“You… you what? N-no… you’re kidding right?” Your voice wavers slightly, before seeing Chuuya’s face again. He’s dead serious. “Why would you do this?”

“You were in danger. I couldn’t help it, alright?” He yelled, and you flinch. He takes a deep breath in again, slightly more calm, and continues. “Let me explain.”

“You were part of the Port Mafia, (Y/N). In fact, you, me, and Dazai used to be assigned to the same team all the time. Of course, it was always despicable working with Dazai. He never told us about anything, instead only telling us what to do, while he schemed about whatever he damn chose.”

“You can’t be serious…”

He scoffs and rolls his eyes. “Do you think I’m joking right now? That I’m making a story and pulling it out of thin air for fun? You wanted answers. I’m giving them to you right now.”

“Right. Sorry.”

Chuuya ignores you and goes on. “Out of the three of us, you were always the weakest one, without a strong ability, nor any supportive abilities, however, we always had to drag you along anyways. To every mission gaven to us. Dazai would always make a plan, and we’d have to follow through. And if any of us ever messed up, we’d always get into trouble.”

“I bet you wanted to know how you got that bruise on your arm, that’s never healed, huh? Well, it’s cause you messed up one of the missions, and one of the higher-ups broke your arm. It never completely healed, and it was a warning that you should never mess up again.”

You look at your arm, where the ugly purple bruise marred your skin. It had never healed, and you couldn’t do anything heavy with it. Although it made a lot more sense than the reasoning you were told, you found this all too unreal. There was no way you were a mafia member. You were always weak. There would have been no reason for you to join. But even past the static buzzing in your brain, you could make out everything he said feeling familiar. As if your memories were just behind a wall you couldn’t break through.

“Still, I wasn’t able to do anything at the time, and Dazai didn’t care too much for you. The damned bastard treated everything and everyone like a chess piece, and played them as he wished. You were constantly treated as the runt of the three of us, and often used as the punching bag when missions weren’t successful. But, over time, you managed to become more ‘competent’ and not ‘drag us back’.”

“Of course, that all was, until the Dragon Head incident. All you need to know was that it was a bloody fight, and most of us were sent to deal with it.”

“As always, we were sent to deal with the mess. Dazai and I were obviously vanguards during the entire ordeal, and you were backup. When we had found the person behind it all, I used my own ability to kill him. We had won, but just barely.”

“You had managed to find the location of the man first, but you didn’t notify us. This person later told us that you actually refused to tell us. Ultimately, you botched Dazai’s plan, and almost destroyed an entire city, because you didn’t follow his instructions. Of course, Dazai was disappointed, even if he didn’t say anything. He essentially dismissed you, and planned to go back, and remove you from the Port Mafia. But, I didn’t want that.”

“So after a very long fight with Dazai, I managed to make a compromise with him. You would not be killed for betraying the Port Mafia, however, you wouldn’t be allowed to go back. But if I told you this, you would have rather accepted death, since the Port Mafia is the only thing you have ever known. You couldn’t go into the real world since you have no identity there.”

“So later that night, while you had looked like you were at least, partially asleep. I had no choice… but to give you severe head trauma, which would make you lose all your memories.”

There’s an unspoken silence between the two of you. You had always been told that your head was fragile. When you tried to think about your childhood or teenage years, your head would fill with static and it would hurt. Never had you ever expected it to be… this…

“You must be shocked. You probably think I’m not being serious, or that I’m joking. Well, I’m not done yet.”

“You were in a coma for years after that. For about two or three years, if I remember correctly. I had to make sure that you wouldn’t remember anything, so I bashed your head, pretty hard against the concrete. I brought you to the hospital after that, and told them that you had been injured badly, because you had attempted suicide. A balatant lie, but I couldn’t tell the doctors any more than that, otherwise I would have been detained.”

“For several years, you stayed in the hospital, completely unconscious. I’d visit you everyday, and see if you would wake up. At one point I had considered just giving up. But eventually, you did wake up. But, you didn’t have an identity in the real world, let alone education, or anything that would let you survive. When you were discharged, I paid a company to forge you a fake identity, which is what you live by now.”

“I’ve watched over you for so long, (Y/N). You once asked me what you needed to be protected from. I didn’t answer that question because I didn’t think it was the right time to let you know the truth. Alas, you’ve come searching for the truth yourself. The Port Mafia was after you for a long time. I had to constantly monitor you, you were constantly on my mind every day. And even when you were discharged from the hospital, I still had to watch over you while you slept. They wanted to kill you. I didn’t want you dead, in fact how could I?” Chuuya laughs in bitterness. “I loved you for a long time. I did all of this to make sure I’d be able to see you happy, for once. And you were. You moved into society rather nicely. You were simply not meant to be part of the Mafia, despite the potential in your ability.”

“You have the gun I left on my desk, didn’t you? You knew you had to take it because you might have been in danger.”

“Chuuya… stop.” You’re still in shock, but you know you’ll never properly remember any of your memories now. You can only trust him. Whatever he says, you have to believe. He’s not lying. He never was lying.

“That was Dazai’s gun. The gun he left before he killed himself.”

“No… please. Stop. Chuuya. Don’t do this please…”

He chuckles. “I have no merit in my future, I am simply left to rot and die here. You wouldn’t understand, (Y/N). I spent so much time in my life for you, that it would have been simpler to just kill you. But I can’t do that.”

“But in a life where you don’t return any of that to me isn’t worth living either…”

“CHUUYA,” you scream. “Stop this. Don’t…”

“So shoot me please. I know you’re dying to do it. You brought the gun with you, you wanted to kill me. I know you do. Why? You’ve reached into your pockets serveral times while I was telling your past. My life is hopeless, completely doomed. I’ve lost everything I once had, except for you. And I can’t even see you now.”

“So kill me. Put me out of my own misery.”

He smiles, in a twisted sort of way, expecting you to shoot.

“You won’t regret it.”

And it’s true. You were planning on killing him, but you don’t want to now. But if what he said was true, you were also ruthless as he was. You had to make a choice, quickly.

Your hands move faster than your mind, and you can’t stop yourself.

You shoot once. Once at his chest.

You can’t bear to see what you did.

But you also can’t see control what you were going to do next. You hear another gunshot being fired, and you weren’t if it was from yourself, or maybe someone else in the floor.

Your vision stops and you feel yourself falling to the ground.

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gffa · 7 months

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The thing I really miss about Star Wars novels is exemplified by being two-thirds of the way through Inquisitor: Rise of the Red Blade and how I think I'm legitimately enjoying it, but in a very specific way, and I think there's actually a ton you could dig into the structure and bias of the narrator that I think is done on purpose and that I can find sympathy for a character actively falling to the dark side and what she's going through without validating the people she's demonizing in her head because I've been there, I have had my brain lying to me all my life, telling me things I know aren't true, making me believe them despite all evidence otherwise, and do you guys KNOW how much I love hot messes of a disaster lady? I fucking love a woman who is just an awful mess and doesn't have to actually be perfect or nice and maybe just once or twice says a kind of catty thing, NO, SHE IS A WHOLE ASS MESS and I LOVE HER!! But also I'm kind of in the position of how I'm tired of getting stories of characters falling to the dark side being the vast majority of what stories explore with the Jedi, I enjoy them, but not when that's all there is, and I have spent YEARS AND YEARS going back and forth with the discussions about the Jedi and I am so tired of it, I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE. I just want to write my commentary and thoughts down in the vein that I have them and have that be it. I want to say, "This is a really glorious unreliable narrator here, because everything she says is contradicted by what the Jedi actually say/do, and she is explicitly a character designed with neurodivergent/mental health issues aspects in mind and you can't divorce that from her character." and like I don't even want to discuss with other Jedi fans about what the author may or may not have said (I read one interview from her at the beginning, enjoyed it fine, and AM NOT INTERESTED in knowing or hearing anything further) or how annoying it is to have a book like this, I JUST WANT TO DIG INTO A STORY and not have to worry about bracing myself for combat. (And also the thorny issue of how this isn't precisely a recommendation because I'm not sure others would enjoy it, like even if you agreed with me, I'm not sure it'd be something in your wheelhouse, but I don't want to even get into that, it feels exhausting, like, just I want to talk about how I'm enjoying it, but not have to articulate why I think others possibly wouldn't, just leave it at "nah, I don't think you'd enjoy it".) I know this is some IRL stuff spilling over onto my reading of this book and I'm aware of the state of a lot of creators in SW right now hold opinions that have made me stop reading their works because I am no longer interested in anything they have to contribute, but also like. Sometimes I just want to enjoy a book on my own terms and not have to feel like I'm arguing a case, but instead reveling in the glorious hot mess of a central female character that maybe I relate to and have sympathy for even while recognizing that she is painting a very unreliable portrait within the book, because I Have Been There. Idk, I'm not saying this very well, and a lot of it is outside factors, but I have this giant tangled ball of "I just want to enjoy something for once, not examine why it might actually be doing my Blorbos all wrong", like aren't we supposed to be in fandom for the enjoyment of things, not to constantly argue with people? /tired and hasn't been sleeping well and has been thinking about this instead of wrenching irl stuff

#lumi.txt #novels #star wars

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goodluckclove · 2 days

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Im not writing because idk this week has been a bit mentally tiring for me but i do want to write. Thing is, next chapter is a little too straightforward except for one interesting thing, which is an idea that i've thought over so many times i'm no longer particularly excited by it

Oh shit I was just talking about something like this with @mercuryytheraven! It's sort of a theory I've been developing that I've never put into words because, up until now, I still kind of thought I was a Big Weirdo for writing entire novels with next to no plans.

Here's how my brain works, though and it's why I can't do outlines. If I plan an idea with too much detail and it sticks in my brain for long enough, I have no interest in writing it. There's nothing left to explore or change around and that's some of the most fun I have while working on a story. So I have to change it.

Not completely, not necessarily. Like in Songbird there was supposed to be a big conflict between Scott's mom and Edgar's mom in the Cafe du Monde in New Orleans. I had the whole set up planned and if I wrote it the way I was thinking it would've probably been cool. But the story no longer worked to make that happen, and I was like big dang what now?

What now is that I still have the meaning of that scene, only with different specifics. And it's even cooler. Except I purposefully can't think about it too hard or else I might lose interest, or get bummed if it doesn't fit again by the end of book two.

So yeah, if the writing isn't interesting to you there's stuff you can do to remedy that. It might involve going off script, but that doesn't mean completely changing the course of the plot as a whole. Maybe you make small shifts in structure or narrative to tell the event from a different angle. Or you switch out the people involved in the event - that changes a lot of how it goes down in a really neat way. Or maybe the event is told in retrospect through someone else explaining it.

What would be neat? What would make you furrow you your brow and nod in satisfaction, alone in your room? Perhaps even a quiet fuck yeah whispered in the depths of your brain?

All in all, don't be too precious to the ideas in your head. They are fetal and have not proved their ability to survive in the real world. I am only using this metaphor for specifically you because to anyone else I would worry about sounding utterly psychotic.

But generally if you're tired you shouldn't push too hard to feel like you have to create. You don't need to constantly produce in order to be considered a valid and respectable writer. Maybe think about what would be fun to play with tonight - no plans, just sick kickflips - and get started tomorrow!

#writeblr #writing asks #writing tips #writing inspiration

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black-cat-aoife · 4 months

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@lalalaugenbrot tagged me in 15 questions 15 friends

1. Are you named after anyone?

Almost the opposite, actually. My mom had considered the name Lena, but then a few months before I was born a very popular song about a Lena came out, and she went: everyone and their pet dog is going to pick that name, let's throw that out. (And then there was not a single Lena in any class I went to ever, but a couple of people with my actual name)

2. When was the last time you cried?

Friday :). Work is going splendidly, why do you ask? :') And so is my life in general.

3. Do you have kids?

4. What sports do you play/ have you played?

I used to do ballet as a kid, and was in some generic Sportverein thingy where we did most of the stuff we also did in PE in school, but without teachers yelling at you. Now I do Nordic Walking, because deep down I'm an 80-year-old lady.

5. Do you use sarcasm?

I feel at least one of the previous questions has given an indication.

6. What is the first thing you notice about people?

Idk...the hair is something I notice early I think

7. What's your eye color?

Blue-green

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Yeah, I can mostly copy your answer here. I don't like horror at all, but I also don't think every story should have a happy ending. It needs to fit the story. Just like a sad ending needs to fit the story, and should not be there, just to show that your YA novel is not like the other YA novels (am I talking about Crooked Kingdom? Who knows). I know the question was about movies, but it's true for all pieces of media. Don't kill characters off, just for shock value, but also don't bring up lots of problems the characters are facing, and then ignore them all at the end.

9. Any talents?

I have been told I'm funny. Is that a talent?

10. Where were you born?

Not in the hospital that's closest to the village my parents lived in, back then because it had a terrible reputation. Not just for births, but in general. So now my place of birth is a town I've never been to. Well after being born.

11. What are your hobbies?

Knitting. And reading. I think I'm doing so much of that, that it qualifies as a hobby, as opposed to something most people do now and then.

12. Do you have any pets?

13. How tall are you?

1,70

14. Favorite subject in school?

It always also depended on the teacher, but I almost always enjoyed English and history.

15. Dream job?

My childhood dream job was writer. I have now realized, that while I enjoy writing now and then, I would not want to do that as a day job. And I can't remember any other (longer lasting) job wishes. And my current dream is less 'completely different job' and more 'I dream of all the software bugs getting fixed'

Tagging @baka-yu @the-thorster @thepurplekoala

#about aoife

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ladytauria · 5 months

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2, 3, 5, 6 (and will you read it in the upcoming year), 10 ,14, 18, 20, 24 y 25!

thank you for asking!!! i had to grab books from last year bc this year was a bad reading year for me, but the questions were/are fun!

2. Did you reread anything? What?

i reread the last unicorn yesterday!!! bc i was feeling nostalgic. i made. a BUNCH more highlights in my kindle. (altho i read my physical copy lol.) there's just... so much good stuff in there, aah.

(oh ik u sent me an ask about this, idk if you saw it--ik tumblr is goofy--but its here! also, minor clarification: it doesn't have a *sequel* but there's a pair of novellas, released as one book, that are set in the same world!)

3. What were your top five books of the year?

i. didn't read very much this year at all. (er, published books! i did read a ton of fanfic). the beginning of this year was exTREMELY stressful, and in the latter half, all the books i started just. failed to grab me :/

that said!! i met my reading goal last year, so i will just include those!!

One of the books I did read this year was The Cybernetic Tea Shop by Meredith Katz, a v cute novella about a mechanic & an android. It's set a few centuries in the future, where robotics have advanced significantly. Intelligent AI were banned a long time ago, but those few whose bodies have not eroded / code hasn't corrupted are allowed to remain. The android in the fic runs a Tea Shop, which she inherited from her long-deceased lover <3 (The book is also sappic! I would love to read more of Katz's work.

Also, like I said, I reread The Last Unicorn, which I think would be on a top 5 in general for me, if I were ever to attempt to narrow that down xD. The prose in this book is beautiful; there are so many lovely lines. And the themes in the book--the play of mortality vs immortality, the structure of fairy tales & how the ppl in this setting are v much bound by them--are present from the very beginning, which was a fun thing to pick up on during my reread xD

All Systems Red by Martha Wells! I read a lot of sci-fi last year for some reason? Anyway, I adored this. Murderbot is a fascinating pov character & I love the choices Wells makes with it. My only gripe is that I could not immediately go out and buy the rest of the series.

Elatsoe by Darcie Little Badger!!! this was. so cute. It's YA, I think? Yes, okay, Storygraph confirms this. The writing is lovely, and I adore the main character and the story! One thing you see a lot of--or, actually, I guess I should say I see a lot of--in YA is like. The rebellion against authority figures? Parents are often antagonists, and I understand why this is, but it was very refreshing that in this book Elatsoe's parental/adult figures were so present & involved & like. There was this mutual respect between them that I adored. Also, she can talk to ghosts? And solves her cousin's murder by doing so! And she has a ghost dog. What's not to love?? (Oh, and she's ace, which I think I remember her mentioning explicitly! Also, the way Native culture is threaded through the book is just. Lovely.)

Am. Am I already at 5. How did. How did I get to 5 already 🥺 *kicks foot* Okay. I. Would not be me. If I didn't mention Nona the Ninth. The only reason I didn't rec the Locked Tomb series to you is bc you mentioned not wanting sci-fi, and while there are a lot of fantasy elements, it is. Very sci-fi. Anyway. I admit that I was not enthused about going into this book. Nona was originally going to be a novella, released between Harrow & Alecto, and when I heard it was getting full novel status I was. Kind of not happy. But oh my god. It was so good. The first half, or maybe even 2/3rds, of the book is very slice-of-life, with Nona going to school & planning her birthday party (despite being only 6mo old). You can tell there is more Plot happening, but Nona is v much oblivious and also being kept out of it. And then the last half/3rd is Plot-Plot-Plot. And my god. That ENDING. Alecto can't get here soon enough, I'm. I need it. I need it. OH. Okay, no, I was right when I said half bc this book is the first split POV, in that every other chapter / every couple chapters is narrated by Jod. (The God Emperor, John Gaius) while he tells his story. It was fascinating, I thought I would hate those chapters, but he is. Such a compelling antagonist, omg. Also there were more memes uwu. First book I ever annotated along with as I was reading, too!! I---

Stopping. Cutting myself off. Sorry; these books make me gush.

5. What genre did you read the most of?

Normally the answer to this is fantasy, but! I think Sci-Fi won out <3

6. Was there anything you meant to read, but never got to?

Yes! Both last year and this year I meant to read some of my spooky-ish books for October and did not. Specifically! I meant to read:

Carmilla & Laura by S.D. Simper -> I have so many of Simper's books on my kindle, but this one is a standalone, which I've been prioritizing so I don't go buy more books w/o reading the ones I have. This is a re-telling, which I was going to read with / around the copy of the original that I have.

Plain Bad Heroines - Emily M. Danforth -> I believe this is told in a dual timeline? After three people are killed at a girls' boarding school, it closes its doors. Over a century later, a bestselling book is written about the girls and inspires a horror-film adaptation, filmed on-site. And I'm just going to use the last line of the goodreads blurb, bc it makes me want to read it now: But as Brookhants opens its gates once again, and our three modern heroines arrive on set to begin filming, past and present become grimly entangled—or perhaps just grimly exploited—and soon it’s impossible to tell where the curse leaves off and Hollywood begins.

My Dearest Darkest by Kayla Cottingham -> One of the books I did start. I'm 9% in. It's a YA novel, also set at a boarding school. A group of girls accidentally summon an eldritch horror who promises to grant their every desire... for a price, which becomes steeper and steeper as time goes on.

The Lost Girls by Sonia Hartl -> Also YA! I got this one recently. A vampire turned by her boyfriend ends up falling for his latest victim, while plotting with his other exes to kill him.

There are a lot more I'm carrying into next year, but I am most disappointed in not getting to those!

Oh, and the Priory of the Orange Tree. (I'm. 20% through. This one is a Beast!!)

10. What was your favorite new release of the year?

I don't buy a lot of new releases for cost reasons---these days most of my books are purchased through ThriftBooks or eBook sales (I am subbed to a few sites which notify you of deals; my favorite of which is BookBub). However! I had Nona pre-ordered <3 So. Nona.

14. What books do you want to finish before the year is over?

any of them.

going into the new year with only 2 books read last/this year makes me very sad 🥺

18. How many books did you buy?

i plead the fifth

also i have no clue

20. What was your most anticipated release? Did it meet your expectations?

gotta go with Nona. i was a weird mix of both unenthused (bc this was supposed to be kind of a side novella) and enthused (bc i love this series and i wish i could do what Tamsyn Muir does) but it not only met but surpassed my expectations. Nona was... Nona's identity was a core mystery of the book; she was, more or less, a brand new character who never showed up in the previous two books, so i was. skeptical of going in, let alone to her pov.

but.

it was so good.

i. already gushed about it. i'm not. i'm not going to do it again.

24. Did you DNF anything? Why?

think i might be DNFing The Bookshop & the Barbarian. love the premise but i've noticed. a few issues in the text.

one i have def for sure DNF'd is Alma Katsu's The Deep. her books are horror + historical fiction. i finished The Hunger (which follows the Donner Party) but it was. very much a slog. i didn't like most of the characters, the horror was there but the reveal was lackluster to me. it got 3 stars tho bc it was very much a "this book isn't bad, just not for me" type of read? (there was an aspect i did like / even found kind of funny, but i--- hm. ig if you go in not knowing like, the names of the party members it would be a spoiler to say it, but otherwise i guess its... not a spoiler? idk??? i dunno, there was a subversion that i loved, but also i'm not super familiar with the specificities of the Donner Party so it may not have even been a subversion, if her telling was that accurate? i realize this is vague. apologies.)

The Deep is supposed to be abt the Titanic which. i love the Titanic, and i love ocean horror (it's a close second to arctic horror for me, and one day i want to find a book that scratches the same itch as The White Vault podcast does). but i realized early on that it wasn't a match for me, and i wish i had DNF'd The Hunger as well.

25. What reading goals do you have for next year?

my reading goals are the same every year---26 books. that's a book every other week! originally i used to set it to 52 but i've had too many bad reading years.

my secondary reading goal is to cut my TBR (of books i own) in half. i don't. i don't want to admit how many that is bc. just looking at the number on my kindle makes me feel bad.

#asks and answers #felinemotif #livvyreads #ask gaming

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daz4i · 1 year

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well it went surprisingly well last time so here's another edition of me posting a short bit from smth i wrote and talking about it instead of posting the whole thing like a normal person. except it's way longer this time sorry

so this is my favorite of all the songs i wrote, called "other people's words"

i think i got down to it after getting a writing exercise from my teacher asking why i don't write about my feelings. it was like a week or two after i finished reading no longer human and feeling painfully Seen by it, and going through the quotes i collected from it i kept thinking "what is even the point of writing anything myself when he already wrote it better than i ever could" and well. yeah

the song also has references to other songs in it, specifically hurt by johnny cash (yeah i know it's a cover but. come on.) and arcade by duncan laurence. really good songs to listen to when Going Through It lol but also they've got 2 things that are. ig concrete and identifiable enough in their lyrics to reference, being empire of dirt and a losing game, which both appear in the chorus

speaking of, it's a different chorus each time bc i can't make things easy for myself ig. the topic of each line remains the same, and in addition to those references there is a talk of baring your soul

so i tried playing off of the baring part in the last chorus that the song ends with

so like. going from bare to barren. idk i liked this one lol maybe it works better in writing than in singing but ig only time will tell

this comes right after the bridge that's talking about emptiness and nothingness (a topic also mentioned in the second verse). this whole theme is, to me, the essence of it really. feeling empty -> nothing to give -> can't create -> relying on things created by others to define yourself by, since otherwise you essentially feel like you're nothing

after this final chorus, the song changes into. sounds, ig. not real words, just "ba-da-dum" sort of thing, and that's how it ends

i mentioned two songs and a novel already but it was inspired by a lot of other songs. the whole baring your soul while feeling like there's nothing there is from beneath the mask, for example. and I'm sure me from 2 months ago had other things in mind while writing that i unfortunately can't remember rn. rip. sorry

but yeah that's it! like i said it's not polished. there are some lines i really like but feel slightly awkward so i don't want to post them, and really a lot of it isn't quite ready but it's still my favorite. i think it's my most... idk, clever song? or maybe just most complex one at least. even tho it's not perfect yet, i am proud of it, or at least as proud as i can be of my own creation. yes i am aware of the irony here :P

#no one is allowed to be mean to me i am being vulnerable here!!!!!!!!!!#if you find my writing cringey keep it to yourself!!!!!! keep scrolling!!!!!!!#and. I'm not looking for criticism or smth. just sharing for the sake of exposing a part of myself ig #it's 2 am and i should be asleep by now. but alas

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lottovalentino · 2 years

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you don't have to share them if you don't want to of course but about the huey stages you have written down, I am so intrigued

so the idea behind this is that there are three different kinds of huey stages, the first being a chronological breakdown – which i did make a tiny post about once, fairly straightforward and simple, you could definitely get more into it. the second kind of a huey stages list is a personal one (i might talk about how i felt about him once but i think i just did a very typical 360°). the list of huey stages i mentioned in tags however. is the third one. a universal one, if you will. mostly universal, i’ll assume, if you’ve read the novels in order

STAGE ONE: don’t know him literally (volume 1)

i took it upon myself to write it down on one of the empty pages of whitesmile during a rush of some late night induced insanity. so here’s a semi-identical transcript

STAGE TWO: just a name, perhaps a little shitty is what i’m getting at but elmer also says he’s pretty so like idk! don’t know the guy personally (volumes 2-5)

STAGE THREE: ohhh so he sucks. so an asshole yeah. okay (volumes 6-8)

STAGE FOUR (checkpoint number 1): volume 8. firo convo (specifically the part where he fakes being insane by holding that ridiculous speech before dropping an “i’m kidding”). he’s definitely an asshole but there’s…something there obviously and there’s no way to grasp it yet but. there’s something there

STAGE FIVE: if this is the way he was at 15 than it’s very apparent how we got from point A to point B. 50% poor kid and 50% you’re bound to grow up into a piece of shit so. sucks! :/ (volume 11)

STAGE SIX: oh my god he forced monica to have a kid with him and then he KILLED her oh my god ofcourse!! he did it to renee too!! what did i say. Irredeemable (volume 13)

STAGE SEVEN: …okay false alarm but what does. what exactly does that mean. hang on bro what do you mean Your wife. grandpa what are you saying. is this going to be a melancholic thing now. hang on….. (volumes 13-14)

STAGE EIGHT (checkpoint number 2): volume 15. oh my god. oh my god. no no no no no he’s. look at him he’s actually. he’s getting better. he’s getting so happy. he’s allowing himself to love and trust people again. he has friends!! he’s Actually healing, this was genuinely not expected i’m going to kill myself her death will ruin him. that MUST be why he becomes a supervillain yeah. yeah.

STAGE NINE (i like to call this one the plot twist, volume 17): ….............…he didn’t descend into insanity because monica died. nothing of the sort he just. made a very conscious decision to flip a switch and weighted out his options. he decided that getting her back has to be more important than anything else. he is actively training himself not to be a person anymore. THIS IS SELF PRESERVATION. AT ITS WORST!!!!!! HUEY!!!!!!

STAGE TEN: agony. this is so sad. i’m sad. (volumes 18 – ?)

#ask #baccano rambles #huey laforet #i dont talk about this because its embarrassing but i used to hate huey soooo much #i was so fooled. a fool a jester a clown even #anyways tag yourselves as your favourite huey stage #i like stage one its called blissful ignorance #(i actually didnt double check whether hes mentioned in volume 1 in any relevant way or at all)#(i think he isnt. but im often wrong. mamma mia.)

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biandaceconfessions · 2 years

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Hiii! So um, here's the thing... I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual with a slight preference for men, but... I'm confused, because I don't really know if I'm just a regular bi alloromantic person who hasn't met ✨the one✨ or if I actually am somewhere in the arospec...?

See, what happens with me is that I was raised in a rather traditional family, open-minded, but traditional in the sense of, you know, settling down with a romantic partner some day and making a family, and that idea never really bothered me, it's always been just kinda there like- yeah it would be nice if that happened to me too I guess. The idea of romance itself isn't exactly something I dislike...? I enjoy reading romance stories, like fanfiction and visual novels, I can even picture myself in those situations with fictional characters and all! But then sometimes I watch kiss scenes on movies and tv shows and I kinda just feel... Cringe? The same cringe feeling comes when I listen to the people I know talking about their relationships and crushes, whether or not they're having problems, and I understand that it surely must be hard and even somewhat painful if they're in a bad situation... It kinda feels like they're taking it too seriously, making a big deal out of something that doesn't look like it should be so,,, idk, relevant...?

That, and I've never really been sure if I've ever had a crush on someone. I always say yes, I've had 3. But I was in middle school, and my "crush" back then was a guy in my class who I looked at once in the middle of the first year and said yeah he looks kinda cool and he likes some stuff i like, i should pick him as a crush. From then on, I don't know if I actually ever liked him or of I was just repeating it to myself that I liked him. The other two were girls who I only ever looked at during lunch in highschool a couple times and thought they were hot. But even with the guy, who I even confessed to at some point and he surprisingly liked me too, I never really thought I wanted a relationship...? I literally just told him I didn't have anything else to say and went home because- what was I supposed to do? He didn't pressure me for anything later so that was cool but, no one else ever said anything to me about wanting a relationship with me and I didn't either, so I don't have any experience outside of fictional love stories, and sometimes I think, well maybe it's just because I need to meet more people! But then again I look at the people I know who are in relationships and I just... Don't get it. I can barely even say I "had" a crush and I'm not even sure that's true. My best friend said she liked me last year, and she's told me she'd been sending hints for me to know it, but I never got it and that's how she just sat me down one day and went directly: I think I like someone. That someone is you.

I didn't get it, still don't, we're still best friends and all and she's now in a relationship with someone else, but she really said I should've noticed that she liked me back then because she was flirting and I just didn't notice...? I don't know, honestly.

I'm pretty sure I don't know what it feels like being in love or having a genuine crush that you don't consciously choose.

But I like romance as in, I like romantic stories, I enjoy reading those character x you scenarios because that makes me feel something akin to those feelings. But I've never really had that kind of feeling for anyone at all. I know that the lyrics to romantic songs are things people can relate to, I know it and understand why someone would relate to them! But I don't really get it at the same time when I think of me, in real life with a real person or how would I get to that point with someone.

And still, I'm a writer. I write romances because it's fun, I guess. I've never been in love, but the people who have read what I wrote say they can't believe me, that I must have experience because I capture their emotions so well and express things they've been through perfectly.

Meanwhile I'm just sitting, wondering if that's truly how people who love romantically feel like or if it's just like how I write it, just something that sounds nice and would be nice if it happened, but it somehow feels like it can't.

But anyway, I'm still young. I guess I have a lot of time to explore more and figure out what's going on with me and my lack of romantic experiences that most people my age seem to already have like it's some sort of checklist lol

It makes me kinda sad not knowing, honestly :( I'm just very confused, ngl.

Hey there nonnie!

I can understand where you coming from quite a bit. There are lots of times when I know I like the idea of romance and having a partner, but there's never been anyone I felt strongly attracted to and even then I've only had one relationship that lasted 3 months and I'm 26.

It can be sad and confusing now knowing what's up with yourself. Especially when so many other people seem to have it figured out, but in reality that's a big ol' lie. Hardly anyone knows what they're doing and most people just have the illusion of having their shit together.

I've also learned that I don't really believe in the idea of finding "the one" because people have meaningful relationships and end those relationships and start new ones all the time. I think it's more finding people who are right for you in the moment and being able to adapt and change alongside them as you grow and experience more of life.

You're definitely not alone in your feelings or experiences. I know it's hard and scary, but if you can find some comfort in your uncertainty, it might make things feel less like a burden. But all in all, I think the most important thing is to do what makes you happy and if that's not a relationship, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make your life any less fulfilling or meaningful. As long as you're happy, I think that's most important.

<3 Mod Ace

#mod ace #anonymous #bi confessions #lgbtq confessions #aro confessions

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lovemars · 2 years

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hm. time to psychoanalyze myself i think. cw traumadumping cw long ass post cw oversharing 😭

the srs cws are talk of sex and stuff but in a sad way not a horny way, sa, men on the internet being gross, bad coping mechanisms, etc

like. idk. i was thinking abt this last night and now im thinking abt it more and like. i feel like. the way i appear in headspace and stuff is just. completely based after. OH MY GOD SOFT BOY CAME OUT? um. sorry it just came on shuffle. ANYWAY. 😭. i feel like how i appear and everything is just based off of like our brain trying to be attractive to- well men mostly. other genders nd stuff but mostly men Specifically cis men. and like. literally none of us actively want to have cis (esp cishet) men attracted to us ❤️. but its like, i know Why like i know its cuz one of my roles is a sexual alter and our brain made us appear the way we do in headspace as part of it trying to keep us safe etcetc WHATEVER i dont care 🫶. like. i literally even- like for instance when we were dating our ex i remember trying to like. be attractive to her and make her like me/us even tho like. i was uncomfortable as fuck and like. i did the same with redacted from irl and just didnt set boundaries at all- no thats not true we definitely did set boundaries. i was just bad at enforcing them- i guess cuz i was like. idk completely lost in this mindset of like, not being able to say no and not feeling safe and feeling like it was my only purpose inguess?

and then like- i also feel like. imean i dont really get the love languages thing but if i had to pick one it would definitsly be words of affirmation and like- i feel like. okay 😭. im not a good person by. whoever the fuck uhh. pat the bunny i think? plays in the background. like for years and by for years i mean ever since 4 days after i turned 18. my thing had been like. posting on reddit . in various subreddits that like, Well the men in them are not very nice to me or to women . and like. i feel like that ties back to the words of affirmation thing cuz i was like intentionally seeking out people who would hurt me (<- which also ties into being a persecutor). and i dont do it anymore because months in the getalong shirt with nik made me feel bad abt it 😭 and then i started to realize that i like when people are nice to me actually. and then i was like Huh maybe tjats not super healthy for me probably. (it is not). well and thats the reason im banned (by nik) from reddit and sex with cis people forever.

but like. 😭 SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. writing a damn novel here. ANYWAYYYY. the whole posting images on reddit dot com -> talk to creepy men on reddit dot com -> intense self hatred and shame -> nik fronts and freaks out and deletes everything -> i feel bad -> i do it again next time i feel like making myself feel terrible on purpose for fun Spiral. like. ive spent all this time gojng down that spiral and now its like. bro i jusr want someone to be nice to me. like i spent ages convincing myself that actually i didnt care abt the shit those men were sayinh & that i liked it and now im like. i literally dont. like. i dont wabt someone ive never spoken to who didnt even say hi or ask what im ok with to say like. waves hand. stuff im not repeating just make up something genuinely disgusting and a bit terrifying and ive probably heard it. and now i dont even KNOW like. what i want i guess. idek my sexuality cuz ive never bothered to think abt what i want cuz i was too focused on what people i dont like/am scared of/etc to think abt how i felt. which in retrospect. bad and scared and. etc.

anyway. idk its just dawned on me the other night how much of who i am is wrapped up in how much i want everyone to like me all thw time and also how much i dont like myself. and like im working on it. and if working on it means thinking about drm from minecraft youtube ******* ** ** ***** so be it i guess 😭. idk man if nik can read dr*amnotnap fic and call it coping i can thirstpost abt drm in my head. idk.

ig im just. now that im able to be more normal and rational and stuff im able to see like. damn i was really bad at dealing with my emotions and tried to do that in ways that were not healthy for me or anyone else. and now all my sense of. who i am is wrapped up in that i guess. which sucks. and im working on it . SLOWLY! but im working on it

tldr: damn this guy should probably talk to a therapist abt all this shouldnt he. well thats okay at least hes hot

#neg #u can ignore thris the tldr is im mentally ill

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astoldbygingersnaps · 2 years

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5, 7, 17, 18, 19

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?

i don't think so? i've actually never heard of such a thing, tbh.

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

i love when i get comments from people and it's very clear that they've put a lot of time and effort into thinking about what i've written. like whenever people point out lines/scenes they found meaningful or talk about interpretations that even i never would have imagined it just Rules.

i also just. love characters. a lot a lot a lot. i love fleshing them out and giving them real hopes and dreams and flaws and struggles. I LOVE IT.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

i honestly can't think of anything that's important in my writing that doesn't make it into the fics themselves. idk i just don't write like that.

wait i lied. danzo and hiruzen Definitely did it back when they were starfleet cadets. next!

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end.

for the most part, i tend to be like. very specific and perhaps kind of dogmatic as a writer in that i have a ~*~vision~*~ which very quickly becomes The Only Way Anything Can Ever Go, Ever, which means that not a lot tends to change when i go from outlining a fic to producing the finished project.

that said, a HUGE change that came about recently was blue's injury in the third jurassic world au chapter, because that was straight up never supposed to happen. originally, fugaku was just going to roll up to be like 'quit being in love with this raptor weirdo' and itachi was going to be like >:( but go along with it bc logically he knows he really doesn't have a choice and then eventually he and shisui would start dating (an absolutely Terrible way to summarize things but yk)

but as i was working on the chapter (and hating it l o l) i realized that something was missing--something that was big and dramatic enough that it would actually force a change in their situation, and would demonstrate a) how much itachi had grown since the beginning of the story and b) how Not Okay such a shift was to fugaku, which would then justify him putting his foot down and essentially trying to job-reassign his son out of getting a boyfriend. and i'm very glad i added that bit in, because i think it ended bringing a lot more weight to itachi and shisui's relationship which just. would not have been there otherwise and very much needed to be.

of course, adding this MASSIVE plot point ended up absolutely ballooning the word count of the chapter, which quickly led me to realize that there was no way in hell i could have this be a three chapter fic without compromising the quality of story i wanted to tell, which is why jurassic world au is now a four-parter. whoops!

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

this is the worst question ever but here we go.

basically i started writing when i was twelve and i wrote a novel that was actually just rip-off inuyasha fanfiction, which then progressed into me eventually creating more OCs that were actually, y'know, Original. but then once i hit high school Death Note Happened (rip mellomatt gone but not forgotten <3) which caused me to pivot into fanfic exclusively and fifteen years later here i still am!

in terms of bumps, i've talked about it before but there was a period of, like, four/five-ish years where i just. stopped writing entirely and couldn't finish a fucking thing until Star Trek AU Happened and now i've written more in the last two and a half years than i probably have in the last decade so. go figure.

alas, i suspect that my fanfic/writing days are coming to a close once i've finished up my current projects for a variety of reasons. for one, i do feel like i'm starting to grow out of fandom as a whole. and honestly, i'm starting to get tired of the pressure to produce content and feeling like i'm not a fast enough or popular enough writer. so, it's probably time to think about bowing out while i still have positive feelings for the work i AM producing. but it's been a great journey and i've met a lot of really wonderful kind people along the way, so i definitely can't complain.

#asks and memes #nonbinarymerbabe

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renticat · 11 days

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woah woah slow down 𝗯𝗮𝗯𝗲𝘆.

I am about to write soo much bullshit just because my heart was in disturbed state. Now I don't know whether I should continue or stop. The later cause I am mostly lazy to do everything now.

Soo many things I want to upload but just because I saw him peeping on my telegram once it was like damn I have this conflicted feeling to wanting share about every bullshit of him or just gone from that cause apparently there's truly fucking no one missing me. Only that zen he caught me in the right time or otherwise yeah I am not there but I always on my whatsapp. But then what would we possibly talk about? There's nothing left to talk from me and they never shared anything that serious.

Smile 😊 . Smile your bullshit huh. And he blocked me. Last seen a zillion years ago. I am good, actually I am prettiest when I don't smile cause when I am people think I am easy to manipulate. I have this stupid childish smile that makes people actually fucking think I am that fucking stupid. I am, only when I like someone so much so it's 𝗱𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿𝗼𝘂𝘀 to smile, and now I know my my crush never smile that much to me but to other girls.

I mean here I don't have to chop down my videos into three parts just because telegram only let one min story but again no one is here and it should be great like, after all it's my personal journal so when I feel down I can look back at the time when I fucking into someone so stupid and then wondering why the hell I torture myself like that?

Mostly because I am hopeless and I do wanna feel something.

Happy birthday for someone who ever bought me a bowl of bakso just because you care about me when you shouldn't. Oh I forgot ofc you're hoping to be more than friends and sorry we can't as your first impression is so bad. And we started became collage in college just because we came from same high school. I never really had friends. For real there's that boby but he's gonna be mad at me and it's complicated, my situation right now. He's the only boy that I can assure never like me more than friends, not because that he's not into girls but because he just like me that already into someone too much and we're kinda loyal stupid people. Idk though now, I mean probably he become more realistic and hope and moved on from love that is impossible to begin with anyway.

Just how reli control all your life and now I can't get any friend. I am too broke also since back then and they asked me hang out at the mall which a big no no. I am always wandering alone in the library but now I never went there anymore since it filled with memory of me and you (also now I know how to get books online, illegal stuff, sorry folks but ofc if I had the money I wouldn't want that and in that library the books are old, nothing like new stuff and not so much english and I am fucking done with novel in my language).

Life is not beautiful for me but flowers still look beautiful to me. If I can not appreciate flowers anymore that's probably cause I am dead or sooo depressed yeah the difference of depression and literal death is the first people can see you alive but inside i can guarantee they pretty much feels the same thing.

𝗦𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝗱𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝘂𝗰𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗲𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁. 𝗜 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻... 𝗬𝗲𝗮𝗵 𝗜 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗽 𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗮𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘀 𝗜'𝘃𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘁𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗱. 𝗟𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗮 𝗺𝗼𝘃𝗶𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗶𝗳 𝗶𝘁 𝗶𝘀, 𝘄𝗲 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗯𝗲 𝗵𝘂𝗴𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗵 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿'𝘀 𝗯𝗼𝗱𝘆 𝘀𝗼 𝘁𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝘄𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗵 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿, 𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁? 𝗥𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁? 😇🥰😇🥰😠😠😡😡😡

𝖯.𝖲 𝖳𝗈𝖽𝖺𝗒 𝖨 𝖺𝗆 𝗀𝗈𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗌𝗐𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗌𝗐𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖨 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝗌𝗈 𝗁𝖺𝗉𝗉𝗒 𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗀𝗋𝖺𝗌𝗌 𝗂𝗌 𝗌𝗈 𝗐𝖾𝗍 𝖼𝖺𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝗒𝖾𝗌𝗍𝖾𝗋𝖽𝖺𝗒 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝗋𝖺𝗂𝗇𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗁𝖺𝗋𝖽. 𝖠𝗇𝖽 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗆𝗒 𝗐𝗁𝗂𝗍𝖾 𝗌𝗁𝗈𝖾𝗌 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝖺𝗆𝖾 𝖽𝗂𝗋𝗍𝗒 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗒𝖾𝖺𝗁 𝖨 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝗐𝖺𝗌𝗁 𝗂𝗍. 𝖡𝗎𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗆𝗒 𝗅𝖾𝗀𝗀𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗌 𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗂𝗇𝖾𝖽 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝖺𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗋𝗎𝗌𝗍 𝗈𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖻𝖾𝗇𝖼𝗁 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗂𝗍 𝗐𝗈𝗇'𝗍 𝖼𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗈𝖿𝖿. 𝖲𝖺𝖽𝗅𝗒 𝖨 𝖽𝗂𝖽𝗇'𝗍 𝗍𝖺𝗄𝖾 𝖺𝗇𝗒 𝗏𝗂𝖽𝖾𝗈𝗌 𝗈𝖿 𝗆𝖾 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝖺𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝗍𝗐𝗈 𝖻𝗈𝗒𝗌 𝗀𝗂𝗀𝗀𝗅𝗂𝗇𝗀 (𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗒'𝗋𝖾 𝖿𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖽𝗌 𝗈𝖿𝖼 𝗂𝗍'𝗌 𝗋𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝖻𝗅 𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗂𝗇 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗅 𝗅𝗂𝖿𝖾 𝖨 𝗐𝗂𝗌𝗁 𝖧𝖠𝖧𝖠𝖧𝖠) 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗈𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋 𝖻𝗈𝗒𝗌 𝗄𝖾𝖾𝗉 𝗅𝗈𝗈𝗄𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖺𝗍 𝗆𝖾 𝖨 𝗆𝖾𝖺𝗇 𝗀𝗈𝗌𝗁 𝖨 𝖺𝗆 𝟧 𝗒𝖾𝖺𝗋𝗌 𝗈𝗅𝖽𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗇 𝗒𝗈𝗎, 𝗃𝗎𝖽𝗀𝖾 𝖻𝗒 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗐𝖺𝗒 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗒 𝗌𝗉𝗈𝗄𝖾 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗁𝖾 𝗉𝗋𝗈𝖻𝖺𝖻𝗅𝗒 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗄 𝖨 𝖺𝗆 𝖺𝖻𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗌𝖺𝗆𝖾 𝖺𝗀𝖾. 𝖭𝗈𝗉𝖾.

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galacticnova3 · 2 years

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that anon's a weirdo for passive aggressively complaining that your take on a villain from a video game for children isn't their preferred flavour of sexymanifiable or whatever. anyway i think magolor can be a funny loser jerkhole of a teenager as a treat, your take is honestly more in-line with how he acts in-game than a lot of interps i've seen tbh

Ikr? My guy this site is a buffet line if you don’t like what’s being served just move on to the next blog.

I’ll admit I do water him down a little more than most in that he’s not like, actively an asshole or seeking ways to cause trouble beyond average young person mischief. Part of that is because he legitimately wants to try and be better(why squander a second chance at life the same way he did his first?), but there’s also a degree of ‘I’m tired of people being mad at me, like, I cause a series of events that lead to me trying world domination ONE TIME and suddenly I’m “evil” and “a threat” and “shouldn’t be here”’ to it as well. Far from a heart of gold, but definitely not a heart of coal either, just like actual people. Many bad things have been done with good intentions, and in my Magolor’s case his actions were 80% wanting to make his home not suck, 19% “power and influence is cool, I want it and I’ll do some bad things to get it if need be”, 1% history nerd learns cool magical artifact is less than 2 hours from his home and is curious.

And in terms of leaning more towards him being anxious vs incredibly confident, it’s just a case of me looking at things like… He probably scripted a lot of his interactions in RtD, most of the Let Me Explain Everything speech included(pretty much everything up until “your planet gets to go first” and afterwards). It’s easy to be confident when you have a plan to follow and have come up with ideas for how to respond to a given situation; just follow your own instructions. It’s usually anxiety or the like that leads to someone wanting to plan out interactions before even having them, though; winging a conversation can be stressful, and the thought of saying the wrong thing with so much at stake would also be a factor. To me the small things point to that to a degree; the seemingly not-so-thought-out haircut excuse, telling Kirby to hurry up, “high-five low-five all that” style giving up on word choice. He was running out of script and kinda scrambling. Also, as someone with anxiety who regularly plays out possible conversations in my head to be prepared for them regardless of how unlikely, I just find it much easier to write. It also feels nice to make content of someone who’s anxious but not particularly looked down on for it or teased about it or constantly pressured to “just stop being anxious!” because for a long time I didn’t have that experience.

I admit Magolor is one of the characters I’m most nervous to talk about specifically because my interpretation seems to differ so much from others’. I don’t feel the same way with Lor, or even Nova, I guess just because it doesn’t feel like I’m a piece of bread among a flock of fandom pigeons with those two. With Marx the “being different is scary” is outweighed by my spite for asshole Marx fans I’ve dealt with. But with Magolor I feel a lot more pressured by fanon and also specifically how he’s written in most external media. RtD light novel that I despise notwithstanding, it feels like HAL is leaning towards him actually not being genuine at all, which I just think is pointless and boring. But I also prefer not to contradict canon when it comes to making my interpretation— I’m definitely the “well canon doesn’t say this ISN’T how stuff is” sort of headcanon haver— and if it ends up being canon idk what I’d do.

I appreciate the encouragement a lot, though, so thanks for that. I feel like a golden retriever who has been told I am a good dog.

#asks #rambling #my headcanons

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rulersofcerberus · 2 years

Text

——— basics! ♡

(PEN)NAME: Armani Ocean { omg it’s designer water! }

PRONOUNS: She / Her

ZODIAC SIGNS: Gemini, { that's right. fear me.}

TAKEN OR SINGLE: Single

TIME ZONE: GMT + 10 { I’m from down under so enjoy my inconsistencies! }

——— three facts! ♡

I’m actually a musician! I am a vocalist, composer and producer and music is my entire reason for being. I can play a bunch of different instruments such as trumpet, piano, bass guitar, acoustic guitar and more. The general gist of it is that once I know the basics I can keep going. Can’t play a woodwind for the life of me.

I play way too many mobile games, love live and bandori have my entire souls (Yohane & Sayo Oshi). I also play genshin a bit as well as IDV. I don’t have any form of computer that can run proper pc games so if a game interests me I typically watch letsplays lol.

I can’t watch horror movies, I am easily scared but idk why. I can play horror games, I can watch horror anime, I can read horror novels. I just can’t watch the movies without freaking out.

——— experience! ♡

I started writing in a Danganronpa RP server back in 2019...did a few more of those and then in 2020 started working on my own world. I’m still improving with regard to all that and this is a great place to do so! My goal is to write a music series with character songs where the music tells the story because I am much better at writing lyrics than I am writing in a novel format. (it is a truth universally acknowledged that musicians can’t name files, hence all the ‘queen of file naming’ jokes that come around)

Fun fact, I used to apologise for writing one liners to people because they were ‘too long’

I’m still improving as a writer, I've come along way from where I started and it will only go up if I keep practicing. I'm so grateful for my designer friends for dealing with my random af tumblr questions. Still in awe I don’t have to hold the shift button to make a new line lol.

——— muse preference ! ♡

I’m better at writing women than men, I am heavily biased to some of my muses so expect me to ramble about them more than others.

My primary muses and ones I can talk about for hours are Ryoko, Itsuko, Stella & Julia...also all of Cerberus & Takane. There’s also 2 more that I haven’t added to the blog named Anya & Viola who also have alot of my attention.

Tropes...I like opposites, I feel like every character has an opposite one and I like forcing my ocs to challenge those dynamics. Itsuko & Eden is a fun once because you have a negative, cynical and pessimistic woman vs an optimistic ray of sunshine. Anju & Takane are another one of my favourites because its the girl who has everything trying to empathise with the girl who has nothing.

I have to remind myself that this was a blog originally for Cerberus...haha...

——— FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT! ♡

FLUFF: Fluff is fluff soft moments are nice, alot of my characters are quite closed off so it’s fun to write those moments. Cute moments between them are fun too!

ANGST: Yep. Expect alot of that here, there aren’t many of my characters who haven’t experienced something big in their lives, those moments of vulnerability or when they question something about themselves...yeah I like writing angst.

SMUT: I can’t write it to save myself so don’t expect that here.

PLOT / MEMES: Memes are fun, it’s a good way to pass the time and it means I don’t have to think about the background to the scenario, I haven’t really done much plotting here so I don’t want to rule that out either! TLDR send memes and if you want to plot then IM me!

tagged by : @serpentsexile

tagging : Whoever wants to/hasn’t done it yet ig

#🐚ARMANI OCEAN - Water sure has gotten expensive #🐚DASHBOARD #OMG It's designer water

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