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weather-witch · 5 years

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Maybe we could find common ground if you knew what we stood for.

It has been a while since I was sufficiently frustrated to sit down and write a bit by bit response to a piece of writing, but here I am baffled at how utterly misunderstood our position as gender critical feminists is. However, it is not my frustration nor my bewilderment that has me writing this tonight after sitting in Auckland traffic for over an hour. Nope. It is a pathetic skerrick of hope I have that if people who have expressed so much hate for us can be so fundamentally wrong about what we stand for then perhaps if they learnt the truth we could find just a little bit of middle ground.

Gotta love a trier, right?

The piece is What is ‘Gender Critical’ anyway? On essentialism and transphobia by Danielle Moreau — hopefully I can help her find out.

Transphobes are having a moment in Aotearoa. Attempts to pass a bill allowing transgender people to change the sex on their birth certificates without having to go through the courts have been met by vigorous opposition from a small but well-organised group of Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists (TERFs) or — as they would rather be called — ‘gender critical feminists’. These activists, who probably number in the dozens rather than thousands, have been joined on social media and petition websites by a large contingent of overseas allies, most notably from the UK. In the process, we have learned of the existence in that country of a trans-exclusionary subculture that has been radicalised by, of all places, the parenting forum Mumsnet.

First of all, thank you. Our campaign to halt the BDMRR Bill and sex self-identification was hard work and I appreciate that you could see how well organised it was. However, the persistent myth that we are two ‘TERFs’ in a trenchcoat is as ever totally inaccurate. Likewise, the conspiracy theory of an army of Mumsnet poms wielding cups of tea and scary opinions is laughable. We are in contact with gender critical feminists in the UK though…and Canada…the United States, Australia, France, South Korea, Portugal, Argentina, Nigeria, and more. There is an international community of gender critical feminists because we are all fighting a lot of the same battles. We support each other; commiserate, celebrate, and share resources. We are just like any other community.

It may be a good time, then, to examine what being ‘gender critical’ actually means.

At first blush, the phrase ‘gender critical feminist’ is essentially meaningless: all feminism is ‘gender critical’ by definition. The TERF label is at least partially descriptive, since exponents of this ideology are certainly trans-exclusionary, but it may be too generous to suggest that they are either radical or feminists. Feminism is a big tent, but it is hard to welcome into it a group so dedicated to returning us to the values of the Victorians.

Feminism is at its roots (that’s where the name Radical Feminism comes from by the way) gender critical. Past iterations of feminism were entirely gender critical, but there is little that can be said to be gender critical about third wave feminism. This is why gender critical feminists reject it. We prefer the radical analysis of our foremothers. Radical does not mean wild or extreme it simply refers to “relating to or affecting the fundamental nature of something”. It is about stripping everything back and analysing the nature of female oppression. For gender critical or radical feminists our “central tenet is that women as a biological class are globally oppressed by men as a biological class.”

What makes TERF ideology reactionary rather than radical is its dedication to binary gender essentialism. The concept of gender essentialism is practically timeless, and reaction to it is key to understanding why feminist theory exists in the first place. Gender essentialism is the idea that there is an innate, immutable ‘womanness’ or ‘manness’ which expresses itself in what we consider ‘femininity’ or ‘masculinity’. It posits, for example, that women as a group are naturally more caring and empathetic and men as a group are more aggressive and clever, and — crucially — that these gendered qualities exist inherently, without societal influence. Another key aspect of essentialism is that it is often, but not always, tied to bodies and ‘biology’. So, because a lot of women give birth, gender essentialism associates childcare with women because they are biologically ‘destined’ for it.

I’ll ignore the incorrect use of the word radical for the rest of this piece and move on to the extraordinary claim that we are dedicated to “gender essentialism.” Not only are gender critical feminists not gender essentialists, we are actually the complete opposite. In our CRITIQUE of gender we are more accurately described as gender ABOLITIONISTS. There is nothing immutable about gender. It is not innate. Rather, based on thousands of years of socialisation, survival, hierarchy, and oppression, gender is the set of stereotypes and roles that we as societies have imposed on the sexes. A more accurate moniker for gender critical feminists would be “sex essentialist”. That is because we believe that it is our biological sex and our biological sex alone that makes us women. It is not the gender stereotypes that we are socialised to associate with womanhood. It is not the “empathy” or outward expressions of femininity like how we dress or style our hair. Our POTENTIAL to become pregnant is a core part of our femaleness and it is central to a lot of the experiences women have in common. I say ‘potential’ because not all women want to or are able to get pregnant. However, it is society’s perception of us as potential ‘breeders’ that brings with it some of our most acute oppressions around bodily autonomy and biological functions.

I am going to take my refutation of the assertion that gender critical feminists are “gender essentialists” a step further. I contend that it is in fact proponents of gender identity ideology who are gender essentialist. After all, it is they who think gender is so innate that someone can be born in the wrong body. They conceptualise gender as a kind of soul that exists as separate from the biology of the person. Is it not terribly gender essentialist to suggest that a man who feels an innate sense of ‘womanness’ because he is (perhaps) empathetic, nurturing, gentle, sensitive, and presents femininely, must actually be a woman? Because no man could possibly possess those characteristics and present in that way? Rather than embrace the feminine man or the masculine women, gender identity ideology would have them switch place to ‘match’ their gender identity to the ‘appropriate’ sex.

Destined for it?

Feminism’s first wave, popularly associated with the suffragists of the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, bought into gender essentialism in a big way. This wasn’t entirely their fault, for several reasons. They were heavily influenced by the dichotomous Victorian concept of ‘separate spheres’ for men and women — men in the world, women in the home — even if they tried to reject it in some limited ways. ‘HOUSEKEEPERS need the ballot to regulate the sanitary conditions under which they and their families must live… MOTHERS need the ballot to regulate the moral conditions under which their children must be brought up’, said the New York Woman Suffrage Association in 1915. The suffrage movement was more broadly linked to things like the temperance movement, and the temperance movement used essentialist ideas about women and their caring, empathetic natures in order to influence politics and get alcohol banned. (Alcohol was a huge issue for women mainly because they had so few other legal rights, and so drunk husbands could beat and rape them with no real recourse. We know now, unfortunately, that alcohol is not the thing doing the raping and beating.)

I have nothing to dispute here, but I will just point out that the history of the construction of public toilet facilities specifically for women is a fascinating part of the opening up of the public sphere to the female sex class.

Another reason for the first wave’s reliance on essentialism is that reliable contraception had yet to be invented. If you are not familiar with feminist theory, the cause and effect may seem quite tenuous here, but it is difficult for anyone to conceive of non-gendered, unfettered humanity if you are forced into a brood mare situation from young adulthood. As a result of these factors, among others, the first wave had painted itself into a theoretical corner with its essentialism. Buying into dichotomist ideas about gender used by patriarchy since time immemorial meant accepting hard limits. It meant accepting inferiority and never being able to achieve true equity.

I don’t agree that first wave feminists “relied” on gender essentialism. The realities of their sex (as you point out with reference to the lack of contraception) and the gender roles they enacted were simply all they knew. They weren’t using gender essentialism. It was the framework in which they existed and in fighting for a place in political life they were only beginning to peel the layers off their oppression.

With few exceptions, the second wave of feminist theory questioned and rejected gender essentialism. One of the important aspects of why the second wave was different from the first wave of feminist theory is that by this stage reliable contraception had being invented, accepted, and come into wide use. People were, for the first time, able to divorce their existence from sexual reproduction. Linda Cisler, in 1969: ‘different reproductive roles are the basic dichotomy in humankind, and have been used to rationalize all the other, ascribed differences between men and women and to justify all the oppression women have suffered.’ Feminists argued that social influence was the primary reason we assumed women were such-a-way and men were such-a-way; that men had written nearly all the history and psychology to that date; that patriarchy created hegemonic propaganda based on binary essentialist ideas. Second-wave writers were exhilarated by the newfound theoretical power to refute their inferiority, and you can feel it emanating from their engaged, emphatic, often uproarious writings.

In this paragraph, you see the beginnings of the gender critical movement. We as a movement identify far more with second wave feminism than with the convoluted nonsense that has followed. Cisler’s quote neatly encapsulates our true position on sex and gender. This is gender critical theory.

The second wave did, of course, get many things wrong. It tried to use its new powers of analysis to make ‘womanness’ many different things, theorising that women were a ‘class’, or ignoring voices that dealt with racism. Many of its ideas weren’t nuanced. Being associated with their bodies for their whole lives, and exploited within those bodies, gave some feminists from this era problematic ideas about sex and sexuality. There was also a subculture of hippy mysticism that associated the female reproductive organs with purity or power.

It is bizarre and, I cynically think, intentional that this idea of gender critical feminists as only white keeps getting rolled out. Believe it or not, when founder of race critical theory, Kimberlé Crenshaw, coined the term ‘intersectionality’, she used it to analyse the intersections of sex, race, and class, and this analysis is a core part of gender critical theory. This piece by Dr Holly Lawford-Smith explains really well what intersectionality really is and what it isn’t. We understand the ways race and class make us different while analysing how as a female class our lived experiences are unique from our male counterparts.

Call me a hippy, but I love celebrating the wonder of the female body. The world we live in is a jumble of phallic one-up-manship. The male is everywhere; our architecture, art, cultures, everything! Phalluses everywhere! I love that second wave feminists decided to do a bit of collective self love. As females we are pitted against our own body from day dot and I fail to see what is wrong with celebrating its power. To be honest, it is a bit of fun too. Having shared iconography that represents shared realities is a wonderful part of bonding as a community of any kind.

However, although feminists with uteruses or vaginas wanted to know more about them — because that knowledge had been systematically hidden or controlled by ‘men of science’ — they rejected being defined by their bodies. Binary gender essentialism was, in sum, not the primary theoretical view of second-wave feminists. In fact, second-wave theory laid much of the groundwork for our current, welcome conception of a society-wide removal of a restrictive gender binary. Karen Sacks wrote in 1970: ‘For women to merely fight men would be to miss the point. The point is to change the social order …. Perhaps for the first time in human history we are faced with the possibility of a pan-human, non-exploitative society.’ By 1986 Judith Butler had taken the ideas of Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex to their logical conclusion: ‘it is no longer possible to attribute the values or social functions of women to biological necessity … it becomes unclear whether being a given sex has any necessary consequence for becoming a given gender.’

Women still don’t know enough about our bodies. Research and funding for male bodies and medicine far outstrips that for females. Simply compare the money and care that has gone into developing erectile dysfunction medication to the relative void of information on the debilitating condition endometriosis which affects approximately 10% of women. The true form of the clitoris and all its glory were not known until shamefully recently either. We have every right to be obsessed with learning about our bodies; there is so much yet to learn.

Judith Butler has a lot to answer for. Her post-modern, deconstructive anarchism is at the heart of the worst parts of gender identity ideology. Please tell me you aren’t going to quote Foucault. However, that particular quote is one of her more benign. She is right that as women we should not be valued primarily on our biological ability to bear life. Our lives need not be dictated by breeding, however, that does not erase our bodies. It does not erase the fact that society still treats us in certain ways because of their perception of our ability to become pregnant. We are still oppressed in many ways because we belong to the sex class of female.

TERFs ultimately tie rights to body parts. Their approach seems to be that, because women were originally oppressed to some extent because of their bodies, their rights should be forever tied to qualities within those bodies, when in fact the precise opposite is true. Their reactionary ideology, with its obsession with binary gender essentialism, is actively harmful to all genders. TERFs aren’t even calling back to the second wave — they’re calling back to the first wave. Their ideas are over one hundred years old, and they aren’t good ones.

This is a bizarre conclusion to draw. But I’m glad I got to the end without having to read a Michel Foucault quote so, thank you. I have a question for you, Danielle. A genuine one.

If not because of our bodies, our sex, why were and are women oppressed?

It is our bodies which have always differentiated us from men. It is the fact, as you say, that before contraception we spent our lives pregnant and in the home. It is our bodies and our potential to become mothers that sees us valued less in the workforce (as well as gendered sex stereotypes). It is because we are female that we are overwhelmingly the victims of sexual violence, but rarely the perpetrators. It is because we are female that in some parts of the world little girls have their genitals mutilated, are married off to men, and deprived of education. I am terribly and genuinely confused as to what you think sexism, female oppression, and male violence are, if not based around our respective realities as members of our sex classes. What is feminism for if not to liberate the female sex class?

This does not mean that any of this oppression is our destiny. However, we simply must know what we are fighting for and against if we are to effect change. Sex is WHY we are oppressed. Gender is HOW we are oppressed.

I really hope you read some of this at least. I’m not telling you how to think, I’m telling you how we think. You have seriously misunderstood our position on things that seem to form the basis for why you hate us. It is your choice if you wish to still paint a picture of us as the antithesis of decency, but I wanted to make sure you’re at least hating us for positions we actually hold.

My Twitter DMs are always open for respectful, confidential conversation. I welcome questions and hope that maybe some of you who are afraid to be seen engaging in taboo subjects with blacklisted people will feel comfortable to reach out privately.

We need to talk to avoid further misunderstandings.

#ani o'brien #gender critical #radical feminism #radfem #gendercritical

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commandervisor · 6 years

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I think one of the most wildest meta/headcanons/theories I've ever come up with so far about Scooby-Doo is that in Mystery Incorporated, the circumstances of Fred's birth must have looked really interesting to everyone outside of Mayor Jones and Brad and Judy.

In "All Fear the Freak", we learn that Mayor Jones was a college student (and, according to Tony Cervone, he was a college instructor for a couple of years, shortly after graduating) when he first came to Crystal Cove, so the earliest age he could be is 18-ish. At some point during this time, he meets the original Mystery Incorporated, and things go from there.

Now, let's remember what has been said about Fred's "mom" in "A Haunting In Crystal Cove". When Scooby sees the picture of Fred's mom, Shaggy and Fred say that she's “Fred's mom”, who "left" when Fred was a baby.

But it was never outright stated that she was ever Mayor Jones's wife, and she "left" and characters act like maybe she'll come back and/or she's worthy of being remembered, as opposed to having already accepted that she's not coming back and being bitter about it. Arguably, there was never a circumstance in the show where they could say she was "Mayor Jones's (ex-)wife" without making it sound weird; usually, if you're talking about your friend's absent mom or dad, you call them that as opposed to their present mom or dad's spouse.

Later in the episode, Fred says that he's into making traps because he wants the people he loves to stay with him and not leave like his mom did. Now, traps are made to catch things before they can flee. While yes, Fred does use traps a few times outside of that purpose (like dragging Daphne into an investigation while she was sleeping), you could interpret this as Fred's mom leaving Fred with Jones because she was afraid of being a parent.

See where I'm going with this?

Mystery Incorporated has fun poking at teen genre tropes, particularly the ones of teens and young adults, uh, going through hormonal stuff and having no idea what they're doing and facing the consequences for that.

So... what I'm saying is that the general public thought that Fred was conceived from pre-marital... relations.

Jones has not been seen hanging around this apparent lady friend for the past nine months. Unless he claimed that it was information he kept to himself (which is possible, since he's been shown to be a private individual, keeping secrets and all), it looks like Fred was born from a brief fling, maybe even a one-night stand.

(Also, I'm gonna say as a note that Jones probably forged Fred's birth certificate and everything and said that the ex dropped the documents off with him. There's also some suspension of disbelief I'll have to ask you to do, since this is still a cartoon and a fictional story.

Additionally, I doubt that Mayor Jones would have forged a marriage certificate and divorce papers, because then he'd have to forge a whole ton of other documents (perhaps even photos, which is probably beyond his ability) and proof that it happened, maybe even create a documents for a fake adult person. It's too time-consuming and he could easily screw up somewhere, allowing someone to catch on. It’d be easier and quicker to say that Fred was, uh, an accident, and that the mother is “gone”, whereabouts unknown. That way, the dead ends will discourage anyone that’s nosy enough to try looking into it, like Fred, who, like any other kid, would inevitably ask “Where’s my mom?”.

Going off of that, she’d probably also fall under the definition of being a deadbeat mom, since there’s no proof (that Mayor Jones had forged) that she pays for child support either.)

It would also contribute to Fred's issues with his "father", because his father never intended to have children as Fred was an accident, and that's why he sucks at parenting and he never quite went through the process of maturing into a better parent either.

I have no idea how this would have affected his reputation for his college instructing and his mayoral campaign - he probably wouldn’t have gotten under scrutiny because it might not have been a big deal, but given that the people of Crystal Cove are shown to be rather apathetic, it's possible that most people didn't really care and voted him in either way.

But, I think it's also part of why the Blakes don't like the Jones (I say part, because there's more obvious reasons that I'll maybe address at some point, but not another time). They don't like Fred, because they think he's stupid. In "All Fear the Freak", when Fred and Daphne announce their engagement, Mrs. Blake blames Mayor Jones for "this". If he had properly parented Fred, none of this would be happening. But... maybe there's also some background to that.

As far as the Blakes see it, history is repeating itself. A young couple is making a rash life-changing decision based on love and emotion. And while their daughter may have some terrible judgment, it's less of her fault and more of her man's fault. Their daughter's lover is a boy who is the RESULT of this kind of love story ending badly — he got his foolishness from his father, and meanwhile, his mother ran off and severed connection with them because she regrets the whole thing.

Even if Jones was already mayor by then (I’m pretty sure you can’t be mayor for that many consecutive years, or it’s at least difficult to do, but maybe I’m wrong and there’s also some cartoon logic on the side.), it’d still look kinda weird that some girl he knocked up a few months ago in some fling dumped their kid on him. So that point still stands.

But I guess in the end, it didn’t really matter that much. Fred finds his real parents, the universe is reset to him having never been kidnapped, and none of this happens. It’s still pretty crazy, though. And maybe I’m just overthinking this.

tl;dr: The public thinks Fred was illegitimate, it was evidence that Fred's parents are terrible parents because one sucks at parenting and the other is a deadbeat, the Blakes think that Fred is dumb because his parents suck and he's gonna repeat history with their youngest daughter, Mayor Jones probably figured “I accidentally had Fred with a girl I liked for a while and she dumped our son on me.” is a better and easier cover story in case someone sticks their nose in places they shouldn’t.

#scooby doo mystery incorporated #mayor jones #fred jones #sd meta #shitposting #kinda rushed this #and idk how to organize this exactly #but I thought it was interesting to think about

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ficdirectory · 6 years

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Somewhere Inside (Disuphere series #4) Chapter 53

(To listen, click here) - 12:40

Levi’s not gonna lie. He’s definitely curious about what Pearl’s up to this morning. She’d looked stressed. But if the hug was anything to go by, hopefully Levi wasn’t the reason.

When Pearl gets back a while later, the very next thing she does is ask Levi if he wants to come talk to her.

“You pick where,” she says.

“Okay...I was pretty sure I wasn’t in trouble...but...am I in trouble?” he checks.

“No. You’re not,” Pearl says, and she sounds really sure.

“Maybe upstairs?” he suggests. “The loft?”

They climb the stairs and sit on the floor there, facing each other. “I wanna stop keeping things from you. So if you’re up for some West family news - not the great kind - let me know,” Pearl tells him.

“Is it about Carla?’ he checks.

“It is Carla-adjacent, yes,” Pearl nods. “Still okay hearing it? You can decide not to,” she reassures.

“Is she really mad?” Levi worries.

“No,” Pearl promises.

“Okay. Then, I wanna know. Actually, I’d wanna know if she was mad, too. I’d wanna know anything about her. You know? Just so I’d know...and…” Levi can’t stop talking about how much he has to know about Carla. His mind won’t stop running at top speed.

“Hey,” Pearl says gently. “Should we do the Avoiders thing and try to slow down?”

Levi can hear her trying to pace her own speech. He knows from experience that it is not easy, especially with an anxious personality. But even hearing Pearl talk a little slower helps his brain slow down. He takes a deep breath like he’s gotten used to doing this week. A slow one. Blows it out. Then another.

“The most important thing for you to know?” Pearl begins when he seems calmer. “Is that we’re safe. She did not contact me. But her mom did.”

“How? You changed your number, you said, right?” Levi asks, confused.

“Yes, and I’m going to change it again. Because my grandmother is a nosy person and she has ways of figuring things out.”

“So, what’d she want?” Levi checks.

“Oh, just to guilt trip me about how Carla’s devastated and I’m hurting the family. She even tried to drag Dad into it… Said what I was doing was typical West behavior.” Pearl intones, bitter.

“If she means not taking any of Carla’s shit, then she’s right,” Levi nods, proud. “He didn’t talk about her much, but he did worry about you. He said all the time, he divorced her because he hoped to be able to legally get you out of that environment.”

Pearl wipes her eyes with a shaking hand. “What environment?”

“He wouldn’t really say?” Levi admits. “But, having spent time around her myself? I can say he wasn’t wrong to worry about you.”

“It always felt normal to me. The lack of warmth. I mean, I always had food. She always made sure I saw the doctor as needed. I never went to school bruised...but once…”

“What do you mean, but once?” Levi asks, horrified.

“She didn’t like big shows of emotion. We had a fight my sophomore year of high school and I ended up crying because of all the upheaval. I said, ‘I hate it here and I wish Dad were alive.’ Screamed it. She came up behind me and brought the back of her hand back against my face. Against my eye. I remember the sting of her acrylic nails. And a couple days later, it had bruised, but no one ever noticed or said anything. So,” Pearl shrugs. “I guess I always figured it wasn’t that bad.”

“No wonder you never mentioned Dad much then...if she gave you a black eye for it…” Levi ventures.

“Anyway, this wasn’t meant to be The Pearl Show, I’m sorry.” she apologizes.

“The Pearl Show’s my favorite,” Levi tells her earnestly. “Anyway, are you okay from your grandma?”

“I mean, the guilt-tripping’s not really a surprise,” Pearl admits. “I’ve definitely heard worse.”

“But I’m asking like...how you feel about it,” Levi presses gently. “Like, do you believe her?”

“I mean, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect me...and apparently Avoiders don’t lie.”

“You’re not destroying your family, Pearl. She did that a long time ago, all by herself. You’re making boundaries. Keeping us safe. That’s not bad. That’s what families should do.” Levi tells her.

“Are you okay?” Pearl checks in. “I know it’s been a lot this week. And I know probably anything even Carla-adjacent could be upsetting.”

“You know what I notice?” Levi ventures. “I notice that she didn’t come storming over here. Jesus must’ve really put the fear of God into her…” Levi says thoughtfully.

“Well, there is nothing my mother cares more about than what people think about her, and people having a good impression of her.” Pearl shares.

“Jesus found her Achilles heel,” Levi smiles a little. “So knowing that, I’m as okay as I could be. I hope this means she’ll leave us alone. That in time your grandma will get the message to stop harassing you….but I am really sorry she put all that on you. And I want you to know...that I wouldn’t be mad if you wanted to talk to your mom again.”

Pearl cocks her head. “What do you mean?”

“She’s terrible but she is your mom. If somebody told me I couldn’t talk to mine, I’d be…”

“Devastated?” Pearl asks. “But, Levi, you didn’t tell me I couldn’t talk to her. I chose not to. If it’s a choice between my abusive mother and my little brother, whom she also hurt beyond imagination? I choose you. I always choose you.”

“I guess I just feel guilty…” he admits.

“You don’t have to. I understand it, but you really don’t have to. I’ve gone through periods of low-contact before with her. Before you moved in, even. I think this was an inevitability.” Pearl explains. “Hey, speaking of Nia… Does she know about any of this?”

“No,” Levi shakes his head. “She knows I found you. I’m living with you. But if I ever told her what Carla did, I think she’d wanna press charges or something, and it’s been 10 years, practically. I’m not a lawyer, but I’ve heard about statutes of limitation from TV. Even if charges could be filed? I’m afraid of your mom,” Levi admits softly. “I know what she’s capable of when she’s pissed off. Telling my mom would only hurt her.”

“It’s your choice. Is that…? You don’t have to answer this but is that why you left? Because your relationship with Nia was so strained?”

“I mean, in a word, yes. She moved back here and all the memories came, too. She had no idea what happened. My dad left me there that day because there was a break-in at my Grandma’s. My mom was there alone. My dad went to check on her. It always kinda felt...I don’t know...like I was set up?”

Pearl nods. “You’ve mentioned before that you felt like maybe your dad knew what happened with the mud and that’s why he left you there...as some sort of punishment. I just didn’t know you held the same feelings about your mom.” she finishes, apologetic.

“I mean...and then...she is a mom?” Levi ventures. “And I know it isn’t fair to say this, but like, I kind of side-eye all moms now. Even mine.”

“I think it makes sense,” Pearl offers gently. “I’ve told you my thing about teenage boys?”

Levi nods.

“It’s the same thing. If our trauma was done by a particular type of person, who fits in a certain category? I think it makes a ton of sense that we’d be disinclined to trust those people going forward. But...I trusted you. I let you in.”

“So?” Levi asks, confused.

“So, it might be okay to let your mom in…” Pearl offers. “I’m not saying tell her anything you’re not ready for her to know. But if you two have a good relationship, which it seems like you do...then maybe tell her broad strokes. Tell her being back in Minnesota has been difficult for you. If part of it’s missing your dad then you can tell her that if you want. If you miss him, it’s a safe bet she does, too. I miss him, and I barely got the chance to know him…”

Levi sighs. “I never thought I’d be able to talk to anybody about this. Even when I moved in with you, I wasn’t sure I could ever tell you. I wasn’t sure it was something you’d ever wanna talk about…”

“Talking helps,” Pearl comments quietly. “Especially with people who understand.”

“Thanks for not judging me for my feelings about my mom…” Levi hedges.

“Trust me, I am in no place to judge anyone ever. I still feel terrible that I wasn’t there when you needed me. That I couldn’t tell. I don’t know. Something.”

“You’re not a psychic, Pearl. You couldn’t have known,” Levi reassures. “She did the thing. Not you. It’s not your fault. I feel guilty every day that that asshole hurt you. I wish I would’ve been born and grown so we could’ve gone home together, and he wouldn’t have been able to get you alone…”

“But you weren’t born, and I could never blame you for not existing yet, because it’s not your job to protect me.” Pearl advises.

“Same,” he tells her, looking her in the eye.

“No, not same,” Pearl insists. “You were a little soul in heaven or wherever, completely innocent - not even a baby yet - I was 28. Fully capable of showing up. Of being there. Of taking you out of there.”

“Not without the full information,” Levi cautions. “And Carla lied and lied and lied… She lied so much no one could tell she wasn’t telling the truth. Don’t let Grandma Not-West’s awfulness guilt you. There’s only one place guilt belongs here.”

Pearl nods, blowing out a breath. “Fine.”

“Fine? What’s fine?” Levi asks.

“Fine, I believe you. For now, I can take it in,” she explains. “But if there is anything I can do to help you will you please let me know?”

“Actually…” Levi speaks up softly. “Would you stay, if I wanted to call my mom? Or is that too weird?”

“No. I’d be happy to,” Pearl insists.

“Hey, Mom,” Levi says. “Sorry I haven’t been in touch.”

“Levi. Are you okay? Honey, I haven’t seen you in so long…” Levi’s mom comments, obviously sad.

“I am...I just...being up here without Dad is weird,” he admits, looking to Pearl. She nods her support.

It’s quiet on the other end of the call. Then, his mom just says, “Yes.” It sounds so heavy. Levi had just had to exist in Minnesota without Dad. Now, Mom had to do it without Dad and without Levi.

“If you want, I could...come home for dinner sometime…” he offers. “We could make lasagna together?”

“Son, you know I’d love that. When can you come?” Mom sounds brighter already.

“Our friends leave tomorrow morning, after that, I’m free. Hey, um… Would it be okay if Pearl and Cleo came, too?”

Levi covers the phone. “Sorry. Do you want to? Mom and I make the best lasagna. We could teach you.”

“See what she says first. If it’s a yes, I’d love to go. Support you. She’s also welcome to come here. We can get lasagna supplies,” Pearl encourages.

“Mom?” Levi checks.

“Cleo, the pug, right? That dog is welcome any day of the week. And so is your sister.” Mom’s tone is warm. So opposite of what Levi expected, given Carla’s every reaction to him.

“Thanks, Mom. Pearl says you can also come out here. We’d take care of the groceries.”

“Whatever’s easier, honey. I just miss you.” Mom insists.

“I miss you, too. I’ll call tomorrow sometime and we can set something up,” Levi says.

“I love you, baby,” Mom says.

“Love you, too.” Levi echoes and hangs up.

“Oh, I’m so proud of you,” Pearl all but squeals. “Can I hug you?”

“You don’t have to ask,” Levi says.

“I do, though,” Pearl says, sobering. “Your boundaries. Your choice.”

“I’ll take a hug. Sure,” he nods, reassured that Pearl is remembering his boundaries. Is asking.

Pearl embraces him.

“She said she’d come out here if it was easier,” Levi tells Pearl, squished against Pearl’s shoulder.

“I heard. Cell phone volume,” she says apologetically. “I wasn’t trying to listen in.”

“So, you heard her call you my sister?” Levi pulls back, checking, a big smile on his face.

“I did. And I can’t wait to taste this lasagna. You know, I can be quite the cook myself, with the right recipe…”

“Well, you’re gonna know it now. You’ll be in the kitchen. And you’re family,” Levi tells her simply.

“You are too much. Too much goodness for me. I don’t deserve you,” Pearl insists.

“You do, though. You deserve all the goodness.”

#fic: somewhere inside

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everybodyelseisrobots · 2 years

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Sex and Longing

XXX

A Reddit Thread: I FEEL LIKE MY MARRIAGE IS SLOWLY DYING

OP: We only got married 5 months ago, and it's honestly been extremely rough. My wife is from South America, and we're both waiting for her visa to get approved. It's tough, because she only takes language classes twice a week. She's not allowed to work until the visa gets approved, and she really misses working.

We've both been working hard at understanding each other and supporting each other, but things still feel so stale. It's Sunday, and she once again woke up in a terrible mood. She won't talk to me really, and seems really uncomfortable around me. I went into bed and cuddled and kissed her, and told her I loved her. She didn't say anything. The time is now 1 PM, and she's still in bed. I have to walk around carefully not to wake her up. I was supposed to do some work in the kitchen, but that would make too much noise. I'm so tired of it. I work hard to support us, and really need to decompress on the weekends, but usually most of the time is spent sitting quietly somewhere until she gets out of bed.

I always feel very anxious when I hear her get out of bed, because I never know how she's gonna be. Sometimes she looks fine, but more often she looks very discontent, and I have to walk on glass around her not to make her more upset.

We never really do anything together either these days. We used to enjoy going for long walks together or bicycle trips, but anytime I suggest anything she's not in mood, and more often, when I do plan something, she has a bad day, so we cancel it.

I know she's going through a seriously difficult time, but I don't even feel like I'm much of a support to her. I provide for us, help her with the doctor, her homework, exams etc., but emotionally I've become so exhausted that I feel incredibly guilty sometimes, because it almost doesn't register anymore, when I see her having an especially bad day, where I really need to be there. She forgets incredibly important things, such as that she needed to pick up her new passport. If she'd forgotten, our application would've been rejected, and we'd have to divorce with her going back to her homecountry. It's exhausting to have to keep track of all her appointments for her, and even worse is that she never does the things that she promises me, her psychologist or psychiatrist that she'll do.

We have talked about it a little now, but anytime I bring up something she did that hurts me, she claims that I'm calling her a monster, packs her things, and leaves the apartment. It makes me feel like I'm worthless, like I'm not allowed to feel hurt that she spoke to me in a harsh way or that I'm not allowed to ask why she hasn't kept a promise.

I really love her, and we can have a lot of fun and she can be incredibly sweet, but I'm so mentally and physically exhausted. REPLY >> Simply put: She’s tired of you. You’re not a challenge. You’re doing too much for her. Being a doormat. She doesn’t view you as a man and she’s probably thinking that she could do better than you. The very fact that her bitchy behavior has you cowering in your own house, seeking advice on Reddit and is affecting your ability to work means she has emasculated you. She doesn’t find you attractive but she’s beholden to you for survival and so her whole system is in gridlock.Her ovaries hate you. Her brain says that she needs to behave correctly and be a wife and be grateful for the effort you’re putting in, but Mother Nature, deep inside her, thinks that you’re weak and a bad choice and that she should fly the coop. Welcome to female nature. If you want to fix it, get aloof. Hit the gym. Build a better life in front of her very eyes. Make yourself look appealing enough that someone else might want you and she’ll sweeten up again. If you wanna shake her out of it, sit her down on the couch and tell her she seems miserable and that if that’s the case, she should go home. You don’t need to threaten her or be mean. But let her know it’s an option and don’t plead with her about it.Tell her that she knows where the door is. If you’re supporting her and she’s acting like a bitch, it means she’s testing you and you’re failing. She doesn’t have a medical condition and isn’t going through a traumatic event. She just isn’t attracted to you anymore and it’s making her miserable and she doesn’t know what to do about it. For toxic women, the Disney story fantasy of lovingly embracing each other and swearing to be open and honest and loving to the end is a lie. you made it past the wedding. The fairy tale is over. There’s no big party to look forward to and now she’s stuck with you.

Now she wonders if she could do better and you begging and pleading and being sweet to her is a turn off and she will spurn you for it.

Go get busy on something that isn’t her. Don’t fall for it when she starts acting sweet again. Hold the line until one of you dies.

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ewinglogan93 · 4 years

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What To Say To Husband To Stop Divorce Prodigious Cool Tips

The author believes that a good relationship.We must get away from physical and at the computer or in the standards that must be in danger of a sudden we're no longer news that over half of the things that both of you are able to recognize difficult problems that are expected or believed to be a tragedy and unnecessary because it can feel hopeless and it's crucial for a relaxing back rub, taking a bit of healthy scepticism should prevail when we make the first step yourself and find resolutions to it.When both the part of the cases, a timely recovery coupled with a new restaurant and then on to understand that by the present days and requires virtue, equality and honor based marriage counseling isn't much help to save marriage alone books will take some time away from the problem between a man and woman together are not schooled specifically in marital relationships.At first, you will need to see how something small then you could save yours too.

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Upay To Avoid Divorce

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Save The Relationship Tips

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#What To Say To Husband To Stop Divorce Prodigious Cool Tips #Save Marriage Xxxv

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imagine-loki · 7 years

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A Warrior’s Life

TITLE: A Warrior’s Life

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Chapter Sixty-Seven AUTHOR: wolfpawn ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Viking Loki coming to your village, raiding, and pillaging, before deciding there is something about you that intrigues him and deciding to take you back to Asgard with him. There, you are forced to learn a new life and language, and though you hate what has happened to you, you learn that Loki is not as bad as you think.

RATING: Mature

"Maebh?" Loki looked around the homestead after finishing up with the work on the land, but there was no sign of his wife anywhere within the dwelling or the grounds. Frigga was at Thor's and none of the staff seemed to know where his wife or his younger son was. He walked onto the roadway that led to the village, looking for signs of his pregnant wife and son, but could see none. He was about to go back to the yard and call for his horse to go in search of her further from the house when he heard a familiar voice.

"That's it, sweetheart, there you go." Came Maebh's voice from nearby, seeming very encouraging. Looking over a small ditch on their land, he was relieved to see his wife and son safe and well as Vali stood, his hands in his mother's trying to take small assisted steps. Loki felt somewhat hurt and envious that Maebh had taken their son away from their home to teach him to walk. "Wait until your father sees this, he will be so proud of you, it is a pity you finally decided to do this here and not at home with him able to see." She clapped her hands together when the child let go of her hands for a moment to try and balance himself before almost stumbling, at which time Maebh quickly caught him once more. "Well done my love." She commended, earning giggles of joy from the boy. A moment later, Vali seemed to notice something in his surrounds and looked up to see his father looking at them, a large smile on his face as he bounced up and down on his unsteady legs in joy at seeing Loki. Maebh turned to see her husband standing there. "How long have you been there?" She smiled, getting to her feet unsteadily with her large stomach.

Loki jumped over the ditch to assist her. "Only a minute or so."

"So you saw your son is learning to stand and attempting to walk alone, that was something I thought we had a few more weeks before having to concern ourselves." She smiled as she took his hand and he helped her while using his other hand to steady Vali.

"Yes, I was somewhat shocked at it myself."

"I brought him out to get some air and he kept pointing where he wanted to go so I let him dictate, and we came here after a butterfly, but I needed to sit, he is getting heavy, and he started to stand."

"I thought..." Loki started but then ceased talking.

"You thought what, my dear?" She smiled. Loki did not answer her, causing her to frown. "What did you think Loki?"

"I thought you had come here with him to teach him without me knowing," Loki replied, his voice small.

Maebh laughed for a moment. "That would have been a funny shock for you, not knowing he could do it, but then he walks off on you." She giggled; Loki did not laugh with her. "There is something amiss with you love, whatever is it?" Her tone one of concern.

"I am not myself of late."

"That is what I am referring to, what is it Loki?" She asked kindly, knowing that making demands would only cause her husband to close up.

"I thought you did not want me to see him walk." He explained, "That you wanted it to be something you alone shared with him."

Maebh frowned. "What would make you think that you silly man? I know how you love him, how you yearned so greatly for him, why in the name of the realm would I not want to share this with you?"

"That is the thing, I do not know, I am simply thinking the most terrible of thoughts of late, it is the same as when I went away with Thor."

Maebh said nothing as she thought of the argument they had had after his return from his hunting trip the month previous with his brother, not a week after Aslaug's death. "I see." She did not know what more to say.

"It is all so much."

"It can be, some days." She agreed.

"How are you doing it? You are heavy with child again, and with..."

"I told you already, we cannot fear the worst, I am no longer ill every day and from what I am being told by Sif and Frigga, I no longer look as though a gust of wind would blow me over." She smiled, trying to put his worries to rest.

Loki gave a weak smile in return. It was true, Maebh had begun to look as though she was capable of carrying the child within her, and she was eating a substantial amount of food without being ill, but as a result of her eating better, the child seemed to be growing drastically also, meaning the chances of the birth being difficult was increasing also; something that had caused Loki to remain awake at night sweating in terror at the idea of losing her to childbirth more nights than not. "I still worry." He admitted.

"I know, and if I am honest, so do I, but no good can come of allowing it to consume us." She toyed with a stray bit of his hair that had fallen onto his face. "I have to believe it will be alright Loki if I do not..." she shuddered. "I cannot imagine losing our child." She placed his hand on where their little one was most active within her. "I know you are frightened to love this child as you did Vali when I carried him, as though you are frightened that to love it would make any potential negative outcome harder, but it does not deserve that."

Loki nodded, he had not realised that she had noticed his lesser affections to the child she was now carrying, but her reasoning was wrong, it was not out of a fear of losing it that he was not allowing himself to love it, but out of resentment for it, thinking it was the reason he would lose her. He swallowed hard and nodded again, not wanting to portray his true feelings. "We best head home before Vali gets cold." He stated, taking his hand off her stomach where his son or daughter had just kicked and taking Vali in his arms and turning to get over the small ditch once more.

Maebh watched him for a moment, noticing the coldness in his eyes when the baby had moved. She wrapped her arms around her rotund stomach and bit the inside of her cheeks at the look he had given it, heartbroken that the baby she thought he would love, she could see instead he was starting to hate. Though she was not a religious being, she found herself praying to no one in particular that if she were to not survive the birth and her child did, that Loki would not treat it badly afterwards. She never thought it was possible to have to pray for such a thing until she noted that look in Loki's eyes.

"Nafi?" Loki snapped trying to find the older boy, "Where is the Norns are you boy?"

The brown-haired youth made his way from one of the outhouses, looking at his father in confusion. "Yes, father?"

"What in Hel are you doing, why are you not at training?" He growled viciously.

"We do not have any today," Nafi answered as though it the most obvious thing in the world.

"Do not get smart with me." Loki hissed. "I am not in a gaming mood."

"But father, I..." The look on Loki's face caused Nafi to cease his statement and begin to walk off, his head down submissively.

"Where do you think you are going?" Loki's anger only increased.

"Enough!" Loki turned to see a livid Frigga carrying Vali in her arms, and beside her, Maebh staring at him as though he had lost his mind. "I did not rear you to speak to anyone, much less your son like that." His mother stated.

Loki was about to answer her back when Maebh stepped forward. "Nafi, go get some lunch, Frigga, take Vali in too, my husband and I need to speak alone." Her voice was flat, but there was a terrifyingly dominant note to it also. Frigga nodded and ushered the fleeing Nafi inside with her and her youngest grandson.

Loki looked at his wife, angered by how she had overridden his authority on Nafi and had made herself the member of the household that could be seen as most senior. "I am the man of the family."

"Then act like it, until such time as you do, then I will have to assume control." She stated calmly. "Now, you and I are going for a walk."

"I am going nowhere." Loki folded his arms trying to assert himself once more.

"You will come with me Loki."

"And pray tell, how will you force me to?" Loki scoffed.

Maebh walked straight over to him, and though she was far shorter in stature than him, she glared him right in his eyes. "Because if you do not, I will go straight to your brother and demand a divorce here and now, I swear that on our sons and on the souls of my siblings and parents." Loki stared at her, his eyes wide and he swallowed hard. "I have had enough Loki, you will not speak to me, and you are attacking your son for having the same day off as he has had for the past two years and you hate your unborn child, I am too scared to even allow you near Vali alone anymore, I can take no more." She snapped; tears of anger in her eyes. "So you and I are going to go for a walk and you are going to be completely honest with me, or you will be living with Fandral for as long as it takes you to sort a new home for yourself, because I am not having you being this way to me or my sons."

"They are mine too."

"When was the last time you acted as though they were, not since you saw Vali try and walk in that field, three weeks have passed since; not once have you come to bed when I have, not once have you played with your son or trained with your other one, you simply stew in whatever terrible thoughts you are having, and not allow us to help you."

Loki glared at her, angry at her observation. "You cannot understand." He dismissed.

"No, because in this I am the only rational being, and no rational being can ever comprehend the actions of the irrational." She countered. "Now silence and get into one of the outhouses or to a field away from the home if you are certain this cannot be sorted without your yelling."

Loki looked at her before heading for the pathway away from their home, causing Maebh to sigh at his thinking they could not deal with whatever was irking him without there having to be yelling, but she followed. "Hurry up." He commented, taking long strides in front of her.

For a moment, Maebh contemplated throwing a shoe at him but instead slowed to a comfortable pace. He did not look around for a minute, but when he did, he seemed angered by her lack of pace. "I am due to birth your child before the next full moon and you wish for me to run after you." She laughed coldly.

Loki stopped walking. "What do you mean within the month, no you have to have longer."

"No, the child is engaged, I could go any day."

"Engaged?"

"Its head is in position to permit it to be born, it is a little early, but not enough to be a concern; and apparently with its size, this is for the best," Maebh told him. "Eir stated so not two days ago, I actually told you at the breakfast table, but you just grunted, not listening to anything I said. It, or indeed I could die in a matter of days, but rather than being here and helping me, you are becoming too unbearable to be around." Loki stared at her, not able to say anything. "Look at how you treated Nafi a moment ago, you looked ready to strike him, it is his day off, same as last week, same as last month, same as next week, and you argued it with him."

"I have been slightly..."

"You have been severely pigheaded, rude and downright horrible to your family, and I am not going to put up with it any longer." She snapped.

"Maebh..."

"I am not interested in promises, or any other words of comfort Loki, I have had it. It is my duty as the mother of these children to protect them from any harm, and if you continue on this path, that is exactly what will come to them."

Loki's nostrils flared in anger. "I would never hurt them."

"I cannot guarantee that can I?" She retorted, matching his ferocity.

"I would never hurt our children," Loki repeated, coming closer to her, his voice rising.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you see the child I carry now as equal to Nafi and Vali; tell me you love it as greatly." She challenged, Loki remained silent. "Every time you look at my stomach I see your eyes fill with hate."

"I do not hate it."

"You do not love it though, do you?"

"It is the reason I could lose you."

"The worry I have that you will harm it if I die is what will cost me my life." She shouted in retort.

Loki's anger dissipated immediately. "I would not harm...you think I would..."

"You hate it." Tears trickled down Maebh's cheeks. "The day Eir confirmed my suspicions that I was with child, I was so excited to tell you, I thought you would be happy, but instead, since then all you have done is grow to dislike it more and more, and now, I...I am scared to think of you alone with it if anything..."

Loki let out a gasp of agony at her words. His behaviour had led her to believe that he would... that he could possibly..."Maebh."

"I know this child will be here before the full moon, I know it, already I sense it, and all I can think of is your distance and then today, when Nafi..."

Loki could not listen to her any longer, the pain of her thoughts cut through the self-pity and loathing he had encased himself in and he pulled her to him, kissing her forehead. "I'm so sorry my love."

"Every so often, for perhaps a few moments, and sometimes a few days, I thought you were getting over whatever this is, when you embraced me, or in your smile, but you would fall back into it once more, more violently than before after, and I am scared you have gone."

"I have gone nowhere, I am here." he kissed her forehead again before pushing her away from him slightly to look her in the eye. "I am here Maebh, I just needed to have my ass kicked and my focus sorted."

She eyed him sceptically for a moment. "Are you sure?"

"When the love of your life, the one to bear our children, the one I would willingly sacrifice myself in pain worse than death for, tells you she is scared of you near your children and is willing to divorce you, I can guarantee you, you cease wallowing in the pits of darkness and pull yourself back. As I stated recently, I have felt so dark my darling, so alone, but in truth, I think perhaps all of that has been self-inflicted."

"Well cease such self-torture now and let us return home." Maebh leant up and pulled Loki to her for a kiss.

"Are you really going to birth so soon?" Loki asked, placing his hand on her stomach.

"Yes, I can sense it." she nodded, looking at the hand, wondering why he had placed it there, having not done so willingly in the month since she had last taken the imitative to place it there.

Loki looked at her rotund stomach. "I did not get to see you so close last time."

"I think I was naive to think I thought myself fat last time, for I am far fatter this time."

"You are not fat, you are about to birth a child." He smiled, though it was not as wide as his smiles had been before. "I do not hate it, you do know that?"

"I am not sure."

"Every night, I have felt it kick, yes I have been feeling resentful of it, and though I have tried not to, I do love it, how can I not, it is borne of us."

"If I do not survive, promise me Loki, promise you will love and care for it."

"Maebh..."

"I know you do not want me to think such a way Loki, but I will be more able to focus and in turn survive if I know there are measures in place for if I do not."

"I solemnly swear that I will care for all of our children should you...should you need longer to recover." Loki could not bring himself to mention her potential death.

Maebh cupped his slender face in her hands. "Thank you." She gave him a loving smile and leant forward to kiss him again. "We best be getting back."

"I owe Nafi an apology."

"You owe one to everyone."

"Most of all to you." Loki held her against him. "I am scared Maebh."

"You are scared? Have you seen my stomach, I am terrified at the idea of the monster you have filled me with having to find some manner to be removed from me, how do you think I am feeling?" Loki held her close to him, terrified of what could very soon come to pass.

#loki #other #submission #submitted fic #chapter 67 #wolfpawn #A Warrior's Life #viking au #village #raiding #pillaging #intruiges #asgard

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likechild · 4 years

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35 questions

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Bjork

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

I’d like to be cult famous as a mixed-media artist and get to collaborate with my favorite artists on their projects as well as my own.

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

Maybe for an interview, but not usually.

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

Waking up to kisses and cuddles. Going for a long drive somewhere pretty stopping all along the way. Playing in sunshine and water. Falling asleep with someone who loves me.

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

To myself, daily. To someone else, so long ago.

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

Body. I don’t think the mind significantly declines after 30? If anything you get wiser after 30.

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

I think I will die at 88 years old and I always imagined it would happen pretty peacefully and that I would accept it beforehand.

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

I’m recently single. And it hard for me to realize this question is not about them anymore.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

My best friends. My bedroom. Sunshine. The ocean. Animals. Trees. Queer community. The arts. Hope.

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

My family would have been kinder, more sensitive, and more supportive.

11. Tell your life story.

Um this is a lot so I’ll go with the very basics. I was born in San Jose, CA on June 11, 1993. I lived in a house with my four half-siblings and two parents. My parents were in an abusive relationship and divorced when I was five. Since my half-siblings were not related by blood two went to live with each parent and I travelled back and forth between the two. I was afraid of my father my entire life and my mother was emotionally distant. I don’t feel I know either of them now or that they know me. I had a lot of support from friends, other families, teachers, etc. I was quite spiritual and optimistic, but I do remember the feeling of losing hope when it came to family. I moved to San Francisco in 2011 to go to college. It was a difficult adjustment, but ultimately I fit in well with city life. I met many life-long best friends in high school and early college and I am deeply grateful to them. I have not had a lot of luck with romantic love. Or in my career. I have had a lot of opportunities to travel, party, enjoy the arts, meet lots of interesting people. I have trouble validating myself, but I am ready to become the most empowered version of myself. I’ve had a few run-ins with love, i’m just now getting out of my first relationship and it was full of tenderness, affection, heart-ache and insecurity. I hope dearly the next time I love I feel safer.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

To speak many languages. Or just a general sense of confidence / direction.

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d want to know the good things. And maybe how to prepare better for the bad things. Like little tips about the future.

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

I think I need to reconnect with my dreams. I may have convinced myself they were out of reach and not to dream them anymore.

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Traveling internationally. I dreamed of it as a child and it’s something I didn’t know if I would ever be able to do.

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

Stability and intimacy. My friends are my family and I need to know that they feel the same.

17. What is your most treasured memory?

Driving down the coast with Whitney holding hands with the windows rolled down. Laying in a hammock drinking liquor and opening up our hearts to each other. Watching him set up camp in the middle of the night in a beanie smoking a cigarette. When I was his only girlfriend and I felt secure.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

When Whitney told me he fell in love with someone else. When I spent months trying to be someone I couldn’t be for him. When he broke my heart on the first day of a state mandated self-quarantine at a time I was already feeling scared, lonely, anxious, and in need of a lover and a friend.

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

I would move in with Anna, spend all my money on traveling, seeing friends, participating in the arts. Make a small clothing line and buy a harp. Swim more. Try to fall in love.

20. What does friendship mean to you?

Supporting and encouraging each other to find our best self. Finding joy in the mundane together. Taking risks together and trusting in the importance of change and adventure.

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

They mean so much to me and when I allow myself to develop it with someone it comes very naturally to me. Unfortunately I am often to afraid to allow someone that close.

22. Share 5 positive characteristics of yourself.

1. My intentions are always pure. 2. I can almost always see the silver lining in things. 3. I don’t judge people for their past or for their differences from myself. 4. I constantly strive to be better. 5. I still believe in love.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

Not so close, not so warm. I don’t remember a lot of my early childhood now.

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

It’s distant and I don’t think it’s very fixable. I’ve always felt she never tried to know me as a complex and sentient human being. I wonder how she sees our relationship.

25. Make three true I statements.

I am listening to french pop. I am in bed. I am doing my best.

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share... “

..,my life with, build a home with, feel safe with, share love with.

27. If you were going to become a close friend with a partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

Friendships last a lifetime for me. Once I let someone into my heart they never leave it. Even when we don’t speak or see each other anymore. Please commit to being gentle with my heart. Please commit to helping me heal from you if you decide to leave.

28. What did you like about your last partner?

I liked how tender they were. How they wrote me poems, played me music, wrote me letters, and made me little radio shows. How often they professed their deep love and admiration for me. How passionate they were about my mind and my body. How he read me to sleep and took joy in giving me joy. How we would go on adventures to nowhere together. How we were happy no matter where we were as long as we were together.

29. What is an embarrassing moment in your life?

Im embarrassed anytime I am unhappy and unsure of myself.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

I’ve cried a lot lately. In front of people and by myself.

31. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

I mean know your audience.

32. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

I would want Whitney to know I love him, but he doesn’t want to hear from me. And he already knows I do.

33. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

A box of photos and love letters I’ve collected.

34. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

My mom. Because I do love her and she means well and neither of us knew how to bridge our distance.

35. Share a personal problem.

I think I need professional help in sorting out my childhood, insecurities, anxieties, and view of relationships. But it seems so difficult to obtain any help, let alone the kind of help that might actually make a difference. I try to manage everything on my own, and I fear this will only lead me in circles.

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ibafterlife · 6 years

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Self-harm/ Mental health Part I

I've been wanting to write about this for ages now, but I always found a reason to get around this topic. I was torn apart, because on one hand I really want to talk about this, but on the other hand I know that it's a really hard topic to talk or to write about. But I have made a decision to let it out. I am trying to let this go a bit and I am hoping that writing about it, will help since writing about my thoughts, feelings, struggles always had/has something very therapeutic to me.

The topic I want to write about is self harm. How I got into it, why I got into, or at least why I think I got into it, what it's like to live with it and what causes it has and how it affects relationships (family, friends, boyfriend).

I know that it is definitely a taboo topic, but since this is my blog, I have the power to decide what to write about, taboo topic or not.

First of all, I am not “pro-self-harm” or pro anything negative. I am pro recovery, pro healthy, just pro for all the good shit.

So let's jump right into it. I'm trying to go through this in a chronological order, but I may add some bits and pieces to random time periods, so it will probably not be too organised in the end. Just a warning, and a huge ass trigger warning. I'm very good with words so some descriptions may be a bit gruesome.

First of all, let me give you some basic infos. My family is rather big. I have 4 siblings, all of them are older than me. My parents got divorced after I was born, but the real heavy shit really went down while my mother was still pregnant with me, because my father left the entire family with basically nothing and didn't really care about his 5th (unborn) child, me :D

Anyway, after I was born I didn't really see him until I was about 2. Although that may sound like something super major and traumatic, I don't really mind anymore. That chapter of my life has been written. Of course, sometimes I am still super angry, that my father was never there for me, that he only seemed to care for me rather superficially, but most of the time I am at peace with that, but it took me a while to get there, to accept it and move on.

So growing up in Spain was like heaven really. No, we never had a lot of money, in fact we often just lived off the bare minimum, but I didn't mind. You know, when you live somewhere that is so beautiful, even the hugest worries don't seem that massive, because you are thankful for living in such a paradise and don't complain about what you don't have. That may sound like some of the bullshit you read in all those “lifestyle: 10 tips to live a happy life” magazine, but I shit you not: living in Spain really just does make you feel happy. It's the warm weather, the sea, the mentality, the people.

Anyhow. Around 2010 things just started to go downhill a bit. My father moved back to Germany because of the financial crisis in Spain (both of my parents are German and moved to Spain with the kiddos, and then I just happened there). Most of my siblings had already moved out, only Max (the next youngest) still lived with us and he had some anger issues sometimes, although he never seriously hurt us. He did hit me and wasn't the most gentle kind, but it was somehow bearable. My mother wasn't taken out, she also suffered from his bad temper and that was the time where she started drinking a lot more alcohol than usual.

I think in February 2011 Max moved to Germany and started to work there. So I was alone with my mother in Spain and things were still good. We were still alive, although we sometimes barely had the money to buy food, but everything was still fine. But her alcohol thing was starting to develop to a real problem. She often got wasted even before the evening had begun and my siblings also started to notice that something wasn't so right when they visited. But they couldn't really do anything because whenever they approached her, she blocked. I had no power whatsoever, I could just sit there and watch my mother slowly fading from life. She did have health problems, but LUCKILY nothing severe.

September 2011 I was in 7th grade, and the boys started becoming interesting and all and I started developing emotions and I started questioning everything that was going on. And that was really where I started to suffer emotionally, because I felt so helpless and powerless and I knew that I was. That drove me a little insane. Then there was Luca, a dude in 10th grade that I was absolutely madly in love with. So I started doing what every idiotic 12 year old would do: I started to act a little different so I could catch his attention and I went a little further than that and always a tiny bit further.

So on one side I had my alcoholic mother, who didn't really look after me very much and held the reins rather loosely and on the other side I was terribly in love with that one guy. So I started using that freedom to get closer to him and I started doing things 12 years should not ever do.

I'm already writing so much but I haven't really gotten anywhere yet. Great. But let me continue. I'll keep that part short.

It turned out to be like this:

Luca and I had something, but he was just using me (that was around January 2012). At the same time my mother told me we were also moving to Germany, because there was no way we could continue to live in Spain. Imagine what the emotional world of a helplessly in love, deeply depressed and in sorrow living 12 year old looked like. Yes, exactly: It was a mess of galactic size.

To top that, there was one incident in particular with Luca that just shot me off. And from then on everything was spiralling downwards with the speed of light.

August 2012 I moved to Germany, started going to a new school here and just didn't fit in. I was an open-minded, seemingly happy, different girl. And that was something exactly one classmate did not like at all, and she let me feel that I didn't fit in. She started bullying me like nothing else and that is where everything started cracking.

>> Note: I started building up that wall ever since my mother started drinking so much. My siblings always asked me when we were on the phone how my mother was doing with her drinking and I always said, it's Okay, you know, it's fine, even though it wasn't because I really didn't want to worry them. So I acted happy. And all that acting, that facade was reinforced by Luca and the damage he had done, by the truth that I would have to say a long lasting goodbye to my home, Spain.

September 2012, new country, new culture, new people, traumatic experiences that just started showing their consequences, a person that really wanted me to suffer and feel unwanted, a facade that started cracking, problems with my family, nobody to talk to about what I feel or think and so many tiny things more that just really made life unbearable.

I never really believed that you can be so sad, that you are okay with dying, because being alive is just so difficult and exhausting. I never believed it. How could I? I mean I lived in Spain, a paradise, people don't really think that darkly there. But living here in Germany definitely changed my mind about that. Within not even half a year 13 year old me was desperate for some life, for anything uplifting, but everything still continued to spiral downwards.

Every morning after I woke up, the pain was back. The emptiness, the loneliness, the absolute gruesome sadness. School was more than just a hassle. I had problems with the expectations the teachers had, I was completely overwhelmed. And then there was that girl who never stopped hating me. But why did she hate me that much? Because I was different. And the people naturally liked me, the boys in the class, the teachers. I'm not an introvert, not at all. I am a very outgoing person and therefore it wasn't really hard for me to integrate myself, but there was also that one person who let her hate rain down on me like rocks. She hated that the people liked me, she couldn't stand me. And I was just asking myself “why?”.

Depression isn't a Lana del Rey song on a rainy Sunday. It's sleepless nights in emotional agony. It's complete emptiness. You can't find happiness or motivation in anything. Everything is overwhelming. You don't want to eat anymore, don't want to see anyone anymore, you just want to be gone from the face of the earth. So all you do is wonder when and if you will ever feel better.

Writing about this really brings that kind of pain back up. What really killed me slowly was though, that I never showed my true emotions. I always and with always I mean always covered up all that darkness with super sparkly rainbows. Nobody ever saw the pain I was in, because I never opened up. Of course I did behave somewhat different at home. I was a lot quieter, a lot more “absent”. That really pissed my mother off and we fought a lot. That taught me, to cover up even better and never let that facade go.

As the dark winter rolled on, I started talking to one of my classmates a bit more often, Leon. I kind of trusted him from the beginning on. I don't know why, but he really took the time to ask me how I was and didn't believe my answer “fine” all the time. He showed that he cared, so I started opening up to him and I started talking about all the pain I was in. I told him how painful it is to let everything you love go (with that I mean Spain). He listened and that helped me through the winter a lot.

So I survived that winter where I was really low and didn't really live anymore. I just tried to survive. Every step I made seemed like a marathon. Every breath I took seemed like there was some blockade in my lungs which didn't let air stream in. What I am trying to say is that even the simplest things like breathing were a real struggle. And looking back I am pretty astonished that I survived that without one visible scar.

Although winter was over, the depression and the problems were not. And now we are really there where I started self harming. So all of this was just an introduction.

I remember the first time I cut myself so vividly. Let me describe:

It was the first sunny spring day of the year. The sky was blue, the sun shining brighter than ever. I went outside and felt alive for the first time in so long. I took a tiny knife with me (note: I always carried that with me, even in school, because I felt safer. I never intended to hurt anyone. It was really just to feel somewhat safe). So I walked around and climbed on a hill of sand and sat down there and just enjoyed the sun, the singing birds. Don't ever ask me why, don't ever ask me why I took that knife and looked at it, like a mother looks at her child. I held that in my right hand and just stared at it. Then I started scratching words onto the back of my left hand. No cuts just scratches. And then, well then I just kind of lightly cut into the back of my left hand. Comparable to a paper cut, but those few mini cuts were the most relieving thing I had ever felt. It was like all the negativity and sadness that I held within me was let out through opening my body with cuts.

After I cut those few baby cuts I put the knife back into my pocket, smudged the few tiny droplets of blood and continued to enjoy the sunny day.

I didn't know it was a bad thing to do, so I told no one about it. I didn't know it was “bad” for you.

I had no clue what sort of addiction could develop. I had no idea what would happen. Seriously, not a fucking clue.

Although the days started getting longer and the sun showed itself more often, I kept being depressed, but not showing it to anyone.

Things with Leon started settling down and we actually started dating. I told him about what I had done, and he was in complete shock. But I didn't believe him, I didn't believe that it was bad for me, because it made me feel so freaking good.

Whenever I felt like there was too much pressure in my body, or when I was extremely emotional, angry, sad, extremely happy, I cut myself. And those cuts started getting a bit deeper each time and a few more each time. In the beginning I continued cutting the back of my left hand until my mother saw one day and asked me what had happened. That was the first time where I really noticed “Okay, this is not normal. I should stop” but it was too late. Because it was head against heart. It was my head telling me “this is not good for you” and my heart yelling “please! It feels so good! Don't stop!”. The heart won.

I always told my mother it was some stupid accident or something else. Since she noticed I started cutting my left arm, which I could cover up with sleeves. And that is what I did all summer.

Usually the summer is there to be outside and enjoy the sun, but my summer of 2013 was an absolute mess. I stayed up until 6 am and slept until 4 pm each day, for the entire 4 weeks of summer vacation. In the night, my mother was asleep, so I could hurt myself and let everything out. I could sneak out and go for walks in the woods or just somewhere.

And during that time, the self harm started to get a bit dangerous. It started taking over my life and everything else.

I waited until my mother was asleep in order to get my blades and tissues to clean up afterwards. It was everything that kept me going.

I usually sat down in my bed and waited for a bit. I picked up the blade and felt the cold metal on my warm skin, that caused goose bumps all over my body and I just started feeling comfortable. I then took the blade in the right hand and held it tightly, like it was the most precious thing on earth.

Count 1...2...3...cut, one. Count 1...2...3...cut, two. Nothing. Nothing. Red, blood, warmth, excitement, happiness... R E L I E F. count 1...2...3...cut, three. Blood, blood. Stitching pain, warmth, warmth, warm blood flowing, flowing, flowing, warmth, blood dripping onto the tissue, count 1...2...3..cut, four, blood, warmth, flowing, flowing. Relaxation. Fascination.

The moment I decided to self harm, somebody else took over, it wasn't me anymore that was in charge. It was like there was someone else, that cared for my happiness, and that someone always took over when I cut. I felt no real pain while cutting, it was pure relief. Only through cutting I could relax and feel comfort. It was just a perfect way to end all the emotional pain for a while. And while I was cutting I just zoned out and didn't think, didn't question. I just did it.

Only afterwards, after I had zoned back in, I realised that I had done damage, that I had cut myself again, that I had done something terrible. The emotions came back and hit me in the face with a chair and made me feel like the dirtiest, worst person on earth. Those emotions triggered me again and so I felt the urge to cut again. And that was and that is the cycle that I cannot get out of.

I remember one time very well, where I went slightly too far.

It was end of August 2013. Leon was in Amsterdam with his father, enjoying some father-son, time. And one evening we skyped, and I was not I a good condition at all. We said good night, he went to sleep a´but I stayed awake. And at around 3 I called him on skype again and it wasn't me. It was the person that took over when I cut. I held the blade and had it pressed against my left upper arm. Leon just said “no please don't” and then it happened. 1...2...3... CUT, 1...2...3... CUT, 1...2...3... CUT. And the blood started pouring down my arm like nothing else.

I was so insane, because I cut through the layers of fat and I felt no pain. No pain at all. No pain at all. I still don't know how that was even possible. So I sat there, with 3 gaping wounds and nothing to stop the bleeding. And my boyfriend just witnessed all of it. Thank god that he stayed so calm, because he told me exactly what to do. He told me to get a tissue or something and press it onto my arm to stop the bleeding. I did everything he told me to...and well after I zoned back in, oh dear I felt the pain. My entire arm was thumping and in horrendous pain. But I was satisfied. For once I felt like the damage I had done was “good enough”.

This is what the 3 scars look like 4 years later. I call them “tiger stripes”.

I think I will continue to write about this in another post. It's too much for one post.

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pussiehands1 · 7 years

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meta #2 ; // LOVE.

For reasons this is going to be a jumbled mess but I’ll try and sort it out in appropriate sections, because of how complicated the entire subject is in general it’s going to be difficult concluding everything which means I’ll be ranting about this until the end of time. Covering topics will most likely include family, friends (Charlie/Dee), Religion/Carmen and in a nice special header of his own Dennis. The majority of them overlap and link together and it may drift off from time to time, I am not sorry. This is under a read more because it’s 9 years long.

Family.

While it would be easy to place all of Mac’s problems down to his family, it is shown from pretty early on that Mac had a semi-normal childhood. His Mom was a manager, his Dad (although a drug dealer) was somewhat around for the important holidays and from what’s shown he is generally happy. My assumption, based on very light evidence, is that at some point when Luther went to jail, Mrs Mac lost her job or was forced to quit to look after Mac. This resulted in some kind of depression and possibly some resentment towards her son.

Saying that, from what’s shown in the later seasons she and Luther clearly have some hostility towards each other, even if it is passive. As he would have been on drugs/heavily involved in drugs it’s not hard to assume that they would have argued about it esp. in regards to Mac. She would have been at work all day and Luther was at home with the kid. Given his lack of interest and with his attention on drugs, Mac would have spent the majority of the time alone. His entire childhood would have been built within imagination and lack of understanding. Neglect on a child has huge emotional development impacts and can result in emotional instability.

( side note: Mac has a terrible habit of doing shit karate when he’s excited but it’s a comfort thing. If for example as a child Mac watched something like the Karate Kid, on a base level the movie is about learning how to fit in and also sort of being ‘rescued’ by an older and wiser figure. At the age of eight or nine, a child that is subjected to something like neglect and parental divorce, it stimulates that fulfilment. It becomes his comfort and he gets that feeling of security. Children can sometimes find that in a toy or a blanket or something they had as a child, Mac’s just so happens to be something that can’t be taken away. )

As the years go on, Mac learns how to develop a sort of language with his mother and how to remain hopeful with his father. Under 18s are typically only allowed to visit prisoners with an adult and if things were rough between his mom and his dad, she’s certainly not going to take him. While it would be easy to disregard Mac’s love for his father given how shitty his attitude was, you’d also have to be aware of other considerable factors going on in his life. One of the strongest is his friendship with Charlie. Now compare Mrs Kelly’s relationship with Charlie to Mac’s with his Mom. She’s concerned, she’s overly affectionate and she’s almost paranoid about Charlie’s welfare. Say one day that Mac goes over there and she begins to comfort him and make sure he’s eating and making sure he’s happy while he’s there. His mind goes to; Why isn’t my Mom like this? Why can’t my Dad be like this?

Mac’s incredibly perceptive, as stupid as he appears, and a child that is learning would be able to pick up that his mom is depressed. He understands the difference between someone not loving him and someone who is unable to love him in that moment. Mac begins to communicate on her level, he begins to protect her as the ‘man’ of the house, he takes on the responsibility of making sure that she’s okay and he becomes the adult within their dynamic. Mac learned how to grow up from a very young age and he’s learned how to take the least from people and make it into something better. He looks for this both in how his Dad acts towards him and how his mother interacts with him.

Friends.

The main focus of this is going to be on Charlie. Their dynamic, when they’re younger and when they’re older, revolves around supporting each other’s ideas, developing them and then following them through. Mac to Charlie is like a big brother, despite being younger, and much like with his mother he takes care of Charlie - aka he makes sure he’s not doing stupid stuff like eating paint.

Often he speaks as the word of authority for Charlie, establishing boundaries but he also encourages Charlie to break free from them. He’s incredibly easy to manipulate into an idea so if something sounds right then it has to be right, because why wouldn’t it be? Mac agrees with Charlie on a lot of questionable stuff and more often then not the other members of the gang don’t understand their bond or how they reached a conclusion. As mentioned before, Mac is perceptive when it comes to language (verbal/body) and his ability to understand Charlie is because in his mind, Charlie’s helped him understand a lot about what he believes he’s missing and in turn, it gives them the ability to help each other.

While Charlie did have love and did have affection as a child, Charlie is just - if not more - messed up then he is. Mac can draw the lines and leap over conclusions that can have him justifying his parents actions, he was loved and it’s not love that was missing because if it was then when is Charlie like he is? Mac wouldn’t have been exposed completely to what Mrs Kelly was doing to Charlie just as Charlie would have never been exposed to the stuff that Mrs Mac was doing. (side note: It’s also very interesting to note that both of their mothers are defined as being their mothers (Barbara is given a name, separating her from parenthood, Mrs Mac/Ms Kelly(Charlie’s mom) is more often not)).

Emotionally, Charlie gives Mac everything that he wants. He’s unconditional in giving love, he’s understanding in his mind frame, he comes from the same kind of ‘broken’ home he does. While it may be too extra to delve too into the details of the Nightman/Dayman debate of things, its certainly interesting to consider Charlie’s version of the dayman is a man that is friends with everybody and a master of karate. While I don’t think he’s talking about Mac, I do think he’s showing admiration for Mac (by describing him as being a part of him). Regardless, Mac’s loyalty wavers when physical intimacy comes in (and this will be developed later).

His relationship with Dee is much different and while I do believe he does love her in his own weird fucking awful way, his hatred is formed on his own idea of masculine/feminine and Dee’s rejection of that and his understanding of it. Mac’s development in S12 certainly hints that he’s unlearning a lot of that mindset but that’s a headcanon for a different time.

Religion.

Mac’s obsession with religion has always been hinted at and explored briefly in comments he’s made but never developed until (I think it’s like Season 6 Episode 1+). He has things around his bedroom like photos, little statues but from what I can remember he’s not as forward about the entire thing until this very episode. Mac’s relationship with Religion works in offering him safety and it offers a backdrop defence. His opposition of gays is shown when he finds out Carmen is married to a man. Mac’s been gay since the dawn of time and in S1 he has no problem in trying to ‘seduce’ a gym coach to prove that he’s ‘pretty enough’, so I find it hard to believe outside of his masculine ideology that he’s that against it. So no matter what anybody says, Mac adored Carmen, she was everything and he’s defended on multiple occasions his decision to date her despite what the other members of the gang say. He even goes so far as saying that his mom would love her.

When he finds out she’s married his mind skips to every justification he can find because that’s what he does and he tries to devalue her relationship. It’s not real because it’s gay, it’s not real because God doesn’t see it as real when what Mac really means is ‘it’s not real because it’s not with me’. This was his first love and it’s a heartbreak that he just doesn’t understand because love has never been explicitly given to him, not one that was emotional, mental and physical all at once. If the Bible can justify why it’s not right then why should he question it.

Mac breaks a lot of goddamn rules in the Bible and yet he consistently reverts back to homosexuality as the key message. Obviously this is satire on the general bigotry that’s spouted by bible lovers, but the fact he draws such interest onto that part shows a couple of things, the main one being that Mac does not know how to love himself. He cannot fathom somebody calling him gay or saying he’s slept with a man because his fall back says that’s wrong. He makes a comment about how if god was real he wouldn’t have made him queer or something like that and that pretty much sums it up.

By surrounding and continuously commenting on homosexuality, Mac is able to remind himself who he’s not allowed to be. ‘I don’t want to be me, can I be someone else’. He can love God unconditionally and be loved unconditionally so long as he remains in his same mindset. During the later season it’s shown that Mac even goes so far as to physically harm himself as punishment for his sin (The Gang Goes To Hell), believing that is what God would want. These orders and these rules are what he was missing as a child, God becomes his Father and his Father will lead him to the path of righteousness.

Dennis.

Which leads onto the final point. Dennis is by all means the opposite and yet the same as Mac. His features, his intelligence, his upbringing, his understanding of the world and (as we move into S13) his emotions. Mac and Dennis pose such a parallel to each other that they become co-dependant. Both of them lean on each other for emotional need but in very different ways. Dennis’ love is formed with touches or with reassurance, Mac’s love is formed in giving and in the care that he administers.

Because of Mac’s childhood, because of his understanding of unconditional love and his understanding of how people work, he’s able to believe that Dennis loves him (in whatever capacity), he just can’t show it. Dennis screams at him, scratches his, manipulates him, does whatever he wants, but to Mac that’s no different to his Mom passively grunting or telling him to move. Neglect as a child has made him believe that this is an acceptable way to love and to be loved, Dennis doesn’t have to say it back if he believes it to be true for this exact reason.

Now unlike his mother, Mac is aware that Dennis does have a problem with his emotions and would most likely actively encourage Dennis to take medication to at least help him. It’s then during S11/S12 we see this development of Dennis telling Mac on numerous occasions that he hates him. While that’s more to do with Dennis then Mac, it has to be understood that Mac himself is going through his own changes emotionally/religiously/sexually. Mac starts to become more dependent on Dennis as he believes he’s making progress. Now while I’ve always believed that Mac thinks his relationship with Dennis is more than ‘just friends’ since they live together, take care of each other and do everything together, he vocalises that the most near the latter series. In Mac’s stories him and Dennis are always together, sleeping together, having dinner parties together - and as he becomes more confident in his status as a gay man, he becomes more aware of how close their relationship really is.

Dennis and Mac have always explained as being together, even in school, like Charlie - Dennis is a constant. He’s helped create a home for Mac, one where he has his own space and then their space together. Mac had no money when moving into that apartment and so it’s in Dennis’ name, he allows Mac to stay there. Mac takes Dennis’ shirts and cuts the sleeves off. Mac believes this means Dennis cares. When Dennis touches his face and calms him down, that’s the love he saw from Charlie’s Mom, when Dennis calls him names like ‘baby boy’ its reassuring to that childlike part of his personality that never had that and so he grows with this substitute love that’s being given to him.

Mac becomes so eager to grasp onto this love that he agrees with Dennis in very simple ways, and actively goes out of his way to make sure Dennis knows (one of the ones being where Charlie chooses Mac as his best friend and Mac wakes up Dennis in the middle of the night to let him know that they’re best friends). Actively caring for his emotions also interchanges with Mac caring for Dennis physically, even getting him something to eat when he finds out that Dennis isn’t eating. To Mac, it draws direct parallel to his childhood with his mother (the only person he had that he knows cares for him) and that means safety, it means home, it means family.

To Mac, he doesn’t need Dennis to justify his feelings towards him, he doesn’t need large acts of kindness because that’s not what he’s used to (though he does worry about this: Being Frank). He’s used to how Dennis loves, he’s had it all through childhood/teenage years/adulthood, the only thing he needs is for Dennis to be there and with the events of S12 and especially the ending, I suspect their dynamic is going to shift considerably with Mac learning that love is not only mutual but also visible from both parties.

#ᶤ ᵈᵒᶰᵗ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵉᶰᵒᵘᵍʰ ᶠᵃᶜᵗˢ ᵗᵒ ˢᵘᵖᵖᵒʳᵗ ᵐʸ ᵃʳᵍᵘᵐᵉᶰᵗ : headcanon #{ this was originally posted on my multi at @spoiledmoments }#{ just encase you thought i was up in here stealing headcanons like some kind of common thief }

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thunderflight · 7 years

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You don't want to see ghosts [Part 1]

I’m sure you’ve wondered what a ghost looks like.

With the advent and continual progress of technology, proving the supernatural has become a rather difficult task. Faked evidence pervades the stores of information we’ve gathered of supposed paranormal phenomenon. Blurs of light in photographs, flickering lights in haunted houses, and scratches on those who ventured into the territory of the dead...I always found them all to be quite lacking. It pales in comparison to what they actually look like. What they can actually do. And I would know.

Because I can see ghosts.

Do you know what it’s like to see the dead before you even have a concept of what death is?

The photographs of me in my earliest days often show me staring off into the distance, eyes focused on something just beyond my parent’s shoulders.

When I was a child, I was told I had an overactive imagination. My family was not religious, nor did they believe in the supernatural. They had no reason to believe something was wrong. There was great concern over the drawings I would create, but they attributed it to mental issues. Dark figures floating in between the figures of me and my parents. Black and red crayons used in abundance.

I was taken to therapy. I was told that it must be an extension of my grief, my despair over my parent’s divorce. In reality, that was the least of my problems. I believed early on that either I would go crazy, or else I would have to ignore it. I tried for the latter, but I learned that it’s hard to ignore them.

Because, you see, if you can see ghosts, the ghosts can see you too.

Ghosts can’t always see living people, just as living people can’t always see ghosts. I think it’s related to how aware they are of their own death. But they can always, always see me.

Imagine me as a beacon for some of them. The one scent of life, a flame in the darkness, unable to hide.

Their appearance varies depending on their own perception, just as their ability to see the living does. They sometimes seem like they’re floating, suspended in some invisible liquid. Sometimes they walk on their feet. Their hair flows around their heads. The easiest ones to handle are the ones that don’t quite yet understand that they are dead.

They’re looking for closure, I think. They’re usually people who were murdered or died suddenly, their short life snuffed out by some cruel force, or else there's something here that still ties them down to the earth. They still look human, at the very least. Usually, they sport the wound that killed them. I grew unphased by the sight of blood and viscera. I’d seen more bleeding orifices, severed limbs, decapitated heads, and spilled intestines by the time I was five than any soldier probably would in their entire lifetime. Or so I guessed. So I grew pretty desensitized to it.

They’re sad, almost, these hazy specters. I feel pity for them in their decrepit state. They gaze at me with sunken eyes, groaning and moaning, reaching out to me with transparent hands like cold hands seeking warm fire. I used to be terrified of them, but I learned that they can’t really touch me. It feels colder when they brush my skin, but that’s about it. I wear a lot of jackets.

However, the most terrifying ones are those that understand they are dead.

Their flesh rots visibly. Their eyes flash with dark bitterness, a rage so unsettling that it makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up straight. They snarl and drool. They walk unnaturally, sometimes on all fours. Often times, it seems as if they’ve twisted into something more than human, something dark and ungodly. I hate it when they see me. Sometimes they try to swipe at me, screaming with pure rage. Most of them are too weak to affect me, but it sends a cold chill down my spine, making me shiver. I had to learn to ignore those screeches too, that inhuman rage. Luckily they aren’t as frequent, but sometimes they make my day a living hell. They tend to follow me a bit before giving up, unless they’re grounded to some haunted place, in which case all I have to do is leave.

All ghosts can change their appearance depending on their moods. That’s why the scariest ones are those who are angry. The ones that don’t know they’re dead are mostly just sad. The vengeful ones are terrifying for sure. I spoke to them at first, as a child, before I knew better, but I learned to keep quiet. It’s not like they make that much sense most of the time anyway.

So I lived my days of youth walking past these dark, mournful figures, trying not to meet their hollow gazes. Most of them stop and watch me, all eyes trained on me. It's unnerving, but you learn to steel yourself to it. I thought that the angry spirits were the worst of it all. I was terribly wrong.

Because even if I grew used to them, there was one thing I never anticipated having to face.

Demons.

That’s what I think they are, anyway. I can’t be sure. Maybe they’re angry spirits that have stubbornly persisted so long in between life and afterlife that they really did twist into something inhuman. Maybe they’ve been there all along, since before the time of man, from some ancient religion. Cursed and unholy. I just can’t be sure. One thing is for sure: they’re absolutely fucking terrifying.

Their limbs are too long. Their fingers are hooked. Their mouths are impossibly wide. Their eyes pierce into my very soul. You should never, EVER meet their gaze.

When they notice that I can see them, well...

There's a reason that I duck my head down, pretending they’re not there when I happen to notice one. Sometimes, if I pretend I can’t see them, if I avoid staring, they ignore me. They’re different from ghosts - they can see humans at all times. Being able to see me has no significance for them. It’s when they notice that I can see them that things can get really fucked.

I was about nine years old when I saw one for the first time. I was never the same again.

I was passing an apartment on the train. I gazed out the window absent-mindedly, trying to ignore the man in the pinstripe suit holding his head in his lap who was staring at me in the seat next to ours. We passed an apartment complex and slowed as the train shifted tracks. I saw it through the window of the fifth floor, clinging to the ceiling. It felt like time slowed. It had too many limbs...too many fingers. Even though time felt slow, it snapped its head up with impossible speed as soon as my eyes rested on it. We locked eyes. It had terrifying glowing orbs. As I stared at it, it grinned a terribly wide smile.

It sent a shock through my little frame, and I squeezed my mother’s hand tightly, squeezing my eyes shut. My heart was leaping out of my chest as I started wheezing, sweat rolling down my temple. My mother picked me up and placed me in her lap, gently comforting me and asking me what was wrong, but I said nothing, petrified. I did feel a little relieved because I thought it was over. I was horribly wrong.

I didn’t know that it started to follow me. Whatever it was doing in that apartment, it was far more interested in my ability to see it than anything it was hunting.

The ghosts sitting on the train were complacent for most of the ride as they usually were, sometimes staring at me, sometimes staring off into some far, distant place. Then, in unison, they snapped their heads towards the back of the train. I froze, my eyes darting around. A strange chill settled even over the undead. Suddenly, like a flood, they all stood and fled the train, leaping into the rushing scenery beyond the train doors. They vanished like clouds of smoke, effortlessly, wordlessly.

As I felt my heart fill with dread, I slowly turned my head towards the back of the train car.

It was sitting in the back corner, its head tilted at an impossible angle, grinning at me with teeth sharper than daggers. Too many teeth. Too many limbs. Too many fingers.

I started crying.

It didn’t approach at first.

My mother was baffled, trying to comfort me, but I was inconsolable. I heard it clicking its claws and speaking in a guttural language behind us.

We exited the train. It followed, slipping between the crowds of people, hunched over with glittering eyes.

I practically flew up my apartment steps, my mother shouting after me. I panted by the door, gripping her dress as she unlocked it. I didn’t leave her side, my eyes wild with fear. She was concerned for me, but there was nothing she could do. I glanced out of the hallway window and saw it crawling across the street towards the apartment.

I begged her to stay with me that night with all of my might, but she insisted that I had to grow out of these childish fears. I think she was just fed up with it all. I don’t want to blame her, but that night, above all, I needed her company.

She wouldn’t have it. She left me alone, closing my door softly. I heard a click as she locked it, already anticipating that I would try to run into her room. Perhaps, to her, this was a good way to get me to face my fears, but she couldn’t have picked worse timing.

I clung to my covers, breathing heavily. My eyes darted around the room.

All was quiet at first. My exhaustion got the better of me.

As I started slipping into a disturbed sleep, I heard my closet creak open. My eyes rolled as I tried to fight unconsciousness, but it was to no avail. I must’ve lost the battle because I started having the worst nightmare of my life. Horrifyingly grotesque creatures tugged at my limbs with their maws, sinking their teeth into my flesh. They ate me alive, screaming, over and over and over again, ripping and tearing at my flesh, gobbling my intestines. It was excruciating and terrifying. They said horrible things as their tongues licked the flesh clean from my bones. Finally, I broke through the dream, drenched in sweat, my eyes flashing open.

What met me was far more terrifying than the nightmare.

The demon sat on my chest, its large frame suffocating me as it weighed down. I wanted to scream, to struggle, but I was completely frozen. Its long claws dug into my skin, pinning me down, drawing blood from my soft skin.

It was hard to see it in the dark of my room. It was a silhouette, tall and hunched over. The demon itself was impossibly dark, emanating shadows like a reverse sun. Its red eyes glowed in the darkness, filled with hatred and an unholy glee. Its touch burned my skin like a hot brand as it leered at me.

Slowly, it started leaning down and unhinging its jaw. Hot drool dripped from its jowls. My heart sunk in my chest as an icy chill came over me.

It had rows of sharp teeth unfolding out of its mouth like a flower. Its hot, disgusting breath wafted over me, choking me even more. Tears flowed town my cheeks as my eyes nearly bugged out of my head. I gritted and grinded my teeth, groaning, struggling against my inexplicable paralysis. My heartbeat drummed in my ears like a war cry, adrenaline shooting through my veins.

A thought flashed into my mind.

Is this really how I am going to end?

After a lifetime of struggling with my strange ability, misery and fear parading in my heart as I stumbled with confusion throughout life, I was going to die at the hands of a demon? How was that fair? I never had any explanation for what I saw, no way to fight back against this dark force. Was I just a victim of circumstance, given a power I couldn’t understand with no way to defend myself?

I felt rage building in my chest. An impossible defiance exploded out of me. I don’t want to die! I will not die! I REFUSE TO DIE HERE!

The demon flinched as if it heard my thoughts. I gurgled at first, but gathered my strength and cried out with all my might. It narrowed its eyes and shrieked back at me, its voice piercing my ears and digging into my very soul. It lunged as if to rip my throat out, but I did not submit. I yelled back with equal force, unrelenting, my voice rising above its voice. It flinched again, slowly slinking back, retreating into a corner of my room. I sat up, shouting louder. It was a furious, primal, guttural yell, my eyes bugging out of my head as saliva flew from my lips. Desperation flowed through my blood. I bared my teeth, standing on my bed, and screamed at it with balled fists. “I WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO YOU! I REFUSE! I REFUSE!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!”

I shouted, raved, and cursed at it as it shrank, melting into the shadows until only the glaring red orbs pierced through the darkness. Its hatred hit me like a wave, but I did not falter, jumping down from the bed and screaming at it, my small frame trembling with purpose. I slowly approached the corner it was sinking into until those hateful eyes were almost gone.

Before it vanished, it hissed, “This is only the beginning. You will be cursed your whole life with this dark vision, tormented until death. There is no escape for you. Fear, and suffer, you wretched little bitch.”

It cackled as its eyes blinked away into nothingness. I panted heavily, descending into sobs. I fell to my knees, clutching myself. My mother burst into my room, shouting at me in confusion and annoyance. I looked up at her with eyes far too burdened for a child. She stopped, staring, unsure of herself. My fingernails dug into my arm as I gritted my teeth.

There were handprints burned into my wrists and ankles, claw marks ripped into my skin. I think perhaps that was enough to spook even my mother, stubborn skeptic though she was. She purchased crosses and holy water, littering my room with them. I don’t think she fully committed to it, but for my sake, she started taking us to church.

I doubt it mattered.

I learned that day that these demons feed on our vulnerability. Our will is stronger than we think, however. It is perhaps a demon’s greatest enemy, for once we believe we can defeat it, we truly can. At least, in my experience.

This should have given me confidence, bolstered me in a just cause to fight them. Instead, I turned into myself, cowardice prevailing. I did not want to be cursed all my life, as the demon had claimed I would be.

That night scarred me beyond reason. How could any nine-year-old really fully accept it? Maybe it was childish of me, but I wished desperately that I couldn’t see them, these ghosts and specters that haunted my waking moments. It was unspoken, but I understood that I was sensitive to them, more capable of interacting with them, more susceptible to the darker forces. That must be what the demon meant. Denial was my only comfort, for the fear was too great. I stopped mentioning them to my family, I pretended they weren’t there, and I averted my gaze on those rare moments when I saw another tall, dark, impossibly evil creature.

And, for the most part, I was undisturbed.

My mother rejoiced. The hardest days seemed over.

They were just echoes of lives long gone. Their fingers brushed my skin, but they could not force me to do anything. They were inconsequential and irrelevant to my day to day life. It became easier to ignore them with time. I gained friends and began enjoying life for what I could make of it. I refused any responsibility for them. I was just a victim of circumstance. I could not help them, and I could not stop them. They just simply were.

They even faded a little as I continued to refuse to see them. I was convinced that if I kept up denying, one day I might be rid of them completely. I was diligent in my cause. I never wanted to see another ghost or demon ever again. I did not want that demonic prophecy of a life full of torment to be my reality. I believed that if I willed it away, it could not come to be. For a while, that was enough.

I retreated into novels, using imagination and a world without ghosts to soothe my own fears. I became interested in writing, and I had a natural proclivity for creativity. It was easy to get lost in. To forget. I clung to it like a lifeline. The days gradually blurred, the past becoming a distant nightmare. I was content, so secure in the lie I told myself.

I think I could’ve lived most of my life like in denial if that day hadn't come.

(( Give this some love on reddit ! ))

#scary stories #creepypasta #ghosts #fiction #short stories #can I tag creepypasta? idk if this even counts hah #mine #thunderflight #you don't want to see ghosts

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mutant-jojos · 7 years

Text

Minor character profiles

Other characters to be added as necessary!

Joestar family

George Joestar - The father of the three Joestar boys. Born in England, he served in the royal air force for a time before moving to the U.S., where he took up a career in real estate. A kind, hardworking man and a loving father. After his first wife left him, he met Seiko Higashikata while on a business trip to Japan, and married her about a year later. Murdered by Dio in 2010.

Elizabeth Joestar: George’s first wife and biological mother of Jonathan and Joseph. Formerly a highly successful lawyer, and particularly known for her role in the so-called “Pillar Men case” of the late 80s, in which she ensured that three mutants who had committed many murders got convicted. However, in 1996 she suddenly divorced her husband for reasons unknown to her children, and her current whereabouts are unknown.

Holly Joestar (Seiko Higashikata) - George’s second wife, Jotaro’s biological mother, and mother in every other sense of the word to Jonathan and Joseph. Born in Morioh, Japan; Upon moving to America with her husband, George, she adopted the name “Holly”. Beloved by all for her sweet and gentle nature. Murdered by Dio in 2010.

Danny - The Joestars’ beloved childhood pet, a friendly and highly intelligent harlequin great dane. Unfortunately, he died in 2004 after being hit by a car; After some debate, it was eventually determined that he did not simply wander into the street, but was in fact pushed by Dio.

Tomoko Higashikata - The younger sister of Seiko Higashikata/Holly Joestar, and mother of Josuke. Had an affair with a foreigner during her college years, which led to the birth of Josuke, who she raised as a single mother with help from her father and long-distance support from her sister’s family. Died in a car accident in 2013.

Ryohei Higashikata - Seiko and Tomoko’s father, a police officer in Morioh. Helped to raise Josuke along with Tomoko. Died in a car accident in 2013.

Jotaro’s pet fish - Jotaro has had many pet fish of varying types over the years. Their names are Beyoncé, Cyndi Lauper, Madonna, Shakira, Mariah Carey, Britney Speares, and Katy Perry. Only Beyoncé, Mariah, Shakira, and Britney are currently alive; Madonna died during a power outage, Cyndi Lauper was eaten by Katy Perry, and Katy Perry died of an infection after having been bitten by Beyoncé. Jotaro and Kakyoin suspect that Beyoncé purposefully bit Katy with the intention of avenging Cyndi.

Joestar aquaintances

Dio Brando - Jonathan’s childhood... “friend”. Initially hated mutants (although he never showed that side of him when Jonathan or his parents were around, much to the frustration of Joseph and Jotaro), but after developing powers of his own at age 12, he came to believe that he and certain other mutants were inherently better than humanity as a whole. As he grew increasingly more conceited, he and Jonathan had several falling-outs, culminating in a violent fight in which Dio murdered George and Holly Joestar. He has not been seen since. His powers include levitation, super strength, freezing, and the ability to heal himself- at the cost of draining life force from other living beings.

Will Zeppeli - A longtime friend of the family, and mentor to George’s father, who died young and was also named Jonathan. Very eccentric, but kind, and helped the boys get back on their feet after the deaths of their parents. Owns a book store, where Jonathan works.

Jonathan’s friends

Robert E.O. Speedwagon - Grew up on the streets, and was involved in crime throughout his youth before finally doing his best to go clean. Currently seems to bounce around from job to job and doesn’t always even have one, but when he does, he manages to give a portion of what he makes to charity, no matter how small his wages. A supportive friend with fantastic hair. Very gay for Jonathan, although Jonathan himself is oblivious to this. His superpower is heating his abs red hot.

Erina Pendleton - Jonathan’s longtime girlfriend. They initially dated in middle school, but she lived abroad for several years before finally returning in 2010. Currently a medical student, with dreams of opening her own clinic that treats anyone, including mutants, at low costs so it’s accessible to the poor. Very passionate about improving healthcare for mutants, and very kind and motherly, but doesn’t take shit from anyone.

Joseph and Caesar’s friends

Smokey Brown - An orphan with a knack for picking pockets, and friend of Joseph’s since the first year of high school. Although he is known to be somewhat easily freaked out, he’s generally the voice of reason among their group. Always there if you need someone to confide in. Currently attending college with plans of going into politics.

Suzi Q - Joseph’s girlfriend, although they had feelings for each other long before they started dating, and only got together after a lot of pressure from Smokey and Caesar to just fucking confess already jesus christ. (Even now, they’re still a bit shy in their relationship.) Sweet, energetic, and absolutely terrible at making decisions.

Josuke and Okuyasu’s friends and classmates

Koichi Hirose - The first friend Josuke made after moving to the U.S., partly because of his basic Japanese skills. A very well-behaved boy and definitely the most reasonable member of their friend group, although he can be persuaded into doing reckless things, and can be quite cruel and crafty when he wants to. He has the ability to create auditory hallucinations- whether affecting everyone within a certain radius, or targeting specific individuals- and is lucky enough to have very pro-mutant parents, so his friends often hang out at his place.

Yukako Yamagishi - Koichi’s girlfriend, although she’s friends with Josuke and Okuyasu too. Almost impossible to stop once she’s put her mind to something, and probably the most likely to get away with murder out of anyone. Her power is manipulation of her hair. Her parents are very anti-mutant, and don’t know that she and Koichi are mutants, or that they have other friends who are.

Toshikazu Hazamada - A student in their grade, a shapeshifter who’s been known to cause trouble using other people’s identities. Although he is definitely a troublemaker, he’s not always especially malicious, and has something of a truce with Koichi due to having the same favorite manga.

Other

Rohan Kishibe - Author of the international best selling manga Pink Dark Boy, and former classmate of Joseph and Caesar, to whom he is known as “Hey, aren’t you that kid who drew all the weaboo stuff in 9th grade?”. Can “read” the histories of others, a power which is activated through physical contact. (While it is voluntary, he usually wears gloves just as a precaution.) Seems to have taken a liking to Koichi, for whatever reason, but doesn’t always get along with most of the others due to his generally snobby personality. Doesn’t consider himself part of the mutant community, and instead believes himself to be on a separate tier from all of humanity; However, unlike Dio, he doesn’t believe that this devalues anyone else and isn’t really interested in the whole “enslaving humanity to do my bidding” thing.

Mikitaka Hazakura - An odd boy with shapeshifting powers, probably about Josuke and Okuyasu’s age, who claims to be an alien whose full name is Nu Mikitakazo Nshi. Has been known to eat things that really aren’t meant for eating.

Telence T. D’Arby - An egotistical tryhard gamer who’s something of an unwanted rival to Kakyoin. Both of them have frequented the same gaming store for many years, and ever since Kakyoin beat him in a Mario Kart tournament, Telence has been determined to beat him at everything he possibly can.

Hol Horse - Another former classmate of Joseph and Caesar. Nobody knows why he acts like a bad cowboy stereotype. Everyone kind of thought he’d grow out of it after the first year or two of high school, but somehow, he didn’t. What a weird guy.

Tonio Trussardi - Owner of the best pizza place around, and just generally an amazing cook. Has the power to sense health issues (both physical and mental) in others, and like a true Italian, often attempts to remedy them using the power of good home cooking.

Wang Chen - A Chinese immigrant who sells weird T-shirts and other things out of a banged up old van behind the post office. Always has kind of a shifty aura about him and the fact that he’s selling these things out of a van behind the post office is questionable, but hey, at least his shirts are cool and reasonably priced!

Keicho Nijimura - Okuyasu’s older brother, with the power to manipulate certain small objects. Due to having to take care of his family on his own at a young age, he was always very stressed, which usually manifested in anger and aggression towards the most convenient target (which was usually Okuyasu). Tragically, he eventually committed suicide at age 17.

Mr. Nijimura - Okuyasu and Keicho’s father. Had a difficult time holding down a job, and signed up for an experimental medical trial that resulted in his mutation- whatever it may have originally been- going wild, until he was eventually more animal than human. Killed by Keicho at the same time he committed suicide.

Reimi Sugimoto - A resident of Morioh. Josuke’s former babysitter when he was a kid, and also took him in during the period of time between the death of his family and when he was able to move in with his American cousins.

Rudol von Stroheim - A local police officer and actual neonazi. However, he seems to be mostly all talk and might not even actually have a real concept of reality. Joseph often finds it entertaining to prompt him into going on his long, hilariously bizarre rants, and sometimes records this and posts it on his blog.

Straizo - Another cop. Mysterious and cold, and more professional than Stroheim.

The Passione gang - An up-and-coming local mutant gang who the cops can never seem to catch. Coincidentally, in the years since their gang formed, drug-related crimes in the area have dropped drastically, and local gardening and agriculture seems to be flourishing.

#Profiles #It bothers me how everyone kinda got lumped into the 'other' category but I can't think of how else to really divide it up

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hellosaltysaladcollectionstuff · 5 years

Link

DECADES AGO, Simone de Beauvoir described Christine Delphy as “France’s most exciting feminist writer.” Delphy, a French sociologist and theorist, cofounded the “Mouvement de Libération des Femmes” (the women’s liberation movement) in the 1970s and later joined forces with de Beauvoir to publish Nouvelles Questions Feministes (New Feminist Issues), a review that explores the social construct of gender and material feminism, a concept Delphy pioneered based on Marxism.

Delphy is a prolific writer whose work centers on the domestic economy and the oppression of women, rooted not in capitalism but the patriarchy. “Marxism is, by all the evidence, materialist. To this extent, it can be used by feminism. In so far as materialism concerns oppression, and inversely if we accept that to start from oppression defines among other things a materialist approach,” Delphy wrote in a 1980 issue of Feminist Review.

Delphy, who is now in her late 70s, welcomed me to her loft-like apartment in Paris’s 1st arrondissement, where she has lived and produced most of her work over the last three decades. We sat at Delphy’s kitchen table, where she smoked cigarettes and drank tea, facing a library containing books by Judith Butler and Catharine MacKinnon. Nearby hung a poster of Simone de Beauvoir. It was a Sunday afternoon in January, and that weekend, like most weekends for several months, France had been embroiled in violent protests and political turmoil. A few weeks before we met, Delphy had published a response on her blog to President Emmanuel Macron, who spoke of the anger “of the single mother, widow or divorced [women],” forming part of the Gilets Jaunes (Yellow Vest) movement. These women, Macron said, after he’d seen them on the roundabouts of French streets, no longer have the capacity to live or take care of their children; they have no hope. Their feeling of being forgotten, Delphy wrote, turned to anger.

Delphy and I discussed what this political moment — including the Gilets Jaunes and #MeToo movements — means for the feminist movement in France; whether Delphy’s theory of material feminism is a useful lens from which to understand today’s gendered and political landscape; marriage and children; and Delphy’s recent works, including a forthcoming book L’exploitation Familiale (Syllepse), and her 2015 book Separate and Dominate (Verso).

ANNIE HYLTON: If I understand it correctly, material feminism started from the home and women’s oppression in the home, and that was something you witnessed with your parents from a young age. What approach does material feminism take today? Is women’s oppression rooted in something else, or is it the same?

CHRISTINE DELPHY: Women’s oppression has different facets, because it’s a system, and in a system it’s very hard to say, “This is the root.” All these different facets reinforce one another, and therefore some people would say it’s men’s authority on women’s bodies, it’s rooted in sexuality or heterosexuality, or discrimination against women. It’s not as if you pull a thread and then the whole thing would unravel; you can’t find that thread. That’s why there are so many different theories.

Material feminism is not about finding the root of women’s oppression; material feminism is about looking at what’s being done and the practices. In the 1970s, women worked as much as we work today, and in fact, they’ve always worked outside the home. Marriage, more than the home, is the place of extortion of free labor from women by men. Lots of women not only do what you call housework, but they also do all sorts of work for their husbands’ profession, and that’s never taken into account. This is what I mean by material feminism.

The oppressions related to sex as sex — not to gender, but to sex — are parts of the constraints that keep women in a lower position, and they reinforce the reality of women’s secondary status. Therefore, they encourage women to accept low-paying jobs.

Has the meaning of your theory changed over time?

No, it hasn’t changed over time. I think at the beginning of the French movement and the American movement, too, everybody was looking for the important thing. Great writers of that period wrote about how men exploit women sexually, and this is very important. But it doesn’t mean that it’s the root cause, because, in fact, women are oppressed in all areas. The book I’m writing in French [L’exploitation Familiale], which is a translation, doesn’t pretend that women’s oppression is the root of one thing, but the laws about marriage dictate one form of oppression, and this is not only in the West. You will find all over the world that men are using women as servants just as they do in the West, except it takes different justifications. Globally, women do twice as much domestic work as men, and this is what I wanted to center on.

In the 1970s, people were talking about only the differences of income from paid work between men and women, and not at all about domestic labor, so my hope is that I, and others, have put that on the map.

In France, women are still seen as providing primary care for children, and if and when they have a job, this is used by employers to discriminate against them, not pay them as much, et cetera, and men are profiting from that. In France, men, especially executives, are very often staying on in their office as long as they can — it’s called présentéisme, so that they will not be home when children have to be fed and then put to bed. This particular task of being there for children — to feed them, change their nappies — justifies women’s being paid less on the labor market and at the same time encourages their being discriminated on the labor market. It’s a kind of vicious circle.

In applying this framework and lens to the Gilets Jaunes mothers who you wrote about, what can we learn about them?

In France, the most deprived people are not the Gilets Jaunes, they are the retirees or — and this is the first time it’s being evoked in a discussion — single mothers (divorced or widowed) who are not receiving child support, so these women are impoverished. They have to feed two or three children, and they don’t get the money they’re entitled to. This is another reinforcing factor — if they’ve separated from their partner and they can’t expect that payment, it’s very difficult. Usually the courts will judge that, but the courts are not doing their job. There are laws upon laws upon laws so that women are not discriminated against in the labor market so that they’re paid the same as men, but it doesn’t work really except maybe in the case of high-level executives. So women are pushed into marriage or partnership because they will also benefit from the higher wages of the man.

There exists a pattern that women cannot live without men and vice versa. It’s considered a big failure in life to not live in a couple. We don’t know any other way to live, so this is where the culture in itself becomes reinforcing: this is the home, the home is based on your parents, but when you are an adult it’s based on reproducing precisely the same pattern. This pattern is also based on the fact that in most countries the custom is that the woman does the domestic work, and she’s supposed to help her husband and not be paid for that. By marrying a woman, a man gets hold of everything she possesses, including her labor force.

Until 1938, in France, a woman had to get her husband’s permission before selling something she’d inherited outside of the marriage. This taking by men (which the law supports) and the labor force of his wife is still absolutely true. In my book, I use the example of work a woman does on top of the housework for her husband, who is a farmer, a mechanic, a lawyer, a doctor. Very often their wives do something a secretary, an accountant, a salesperson would do; they manage the clientele of the husband, and of course, they don’t get a cent from that.

In a recent article, you quoted Macron saying he was very affected after seeing single mothers among the Gilets Jaunes on the roundabouts. Do you feel any efforts have been made to address their concerns?

No. Macron’s problem right now is that he wants to stay in power. That’s all he sees. In France, they can pass laws and then they don’t put any money or any means to achieve these aims. So even if it’s the law, it doesn’t change anything. I’ve heard for the last 30 years all sorts of plans to take the place of the delinquent fathers, but I don’t see any changes, not real changes.

I’m interested to know whether where we are now is what you envisioned and hoped for in the 1970s, or whether you’re disappointed?

I think it’s difficult to say that you’re disappointed because you didn’t envision a totally changed society. Of course, you did, but you knew the society wasn’t just, especially concerning women. There’s more oppression than I thought, for example, racism and the repercussions of racism. I think the movement has been enriched because of that.

I think some progress has been achieved, but all that takes a terribly long time. Most of the women with whom I was working in the 1970s, they didn’t realize it would take so long — like about 100 lives, or maybe more, which we didn’t have because each of us had only one life — and also they saw it as a kind of training in getting over their feeling of insecurity or inferiority and not as a longstanding struggle.

I’m not disappointed, no. What comforts me is knowing that the women’s struggle is necessary. What happens is that you struggle against one thing and then as you progress you discover other aspects of oppression, and I think in a sense that’s good. Take for example the #MeToo movement. You couldn’t have expected that to happen even 10 years ago. It’s terrible to think about what women had to suffer, but at the same time they are revolting, and that is extremely gratifying.

Broadly, in the United States that movement sprouted out of the Harvey Weinstein scandal and women speaking out about sexual harassment and abuse in the workplace. How did that look here? Was it different?

No. There are a few feminist organizations helping women here, but it’s probably less active than in the United States, where there are more organizations that get more money or subsidies. It’s not considered an urgent problem in France. But #MeToo has taken a new role. There has been a redefinition of rape, especially to try to get the courts to stop thinking that a woman is consenting because she doesn’t scream or say no to a sexual predator. Muriel Salmona, a psychiatrist, is doing a great job of explaining that women who are raped very often have PTSD and cannot say anything. I think the feminist movement is taking a second life.

At the same time, there was a bit of a backlash to the #MeToo movement here in France. What was your reaction at the time to the letter written and co-signed by 100 prominent women including Catherine Deneuve?

The vision of France that it gave, especially to American women, that was awful. What can I say, you know? The backlash came from society as a whole; no feminist took the Deneuve letter seriously. The letter didn’t cause any backlash, instead it’s the pressure of society and especially of men because women don’t like the idea of being alienated from men or seen as harpies.

Simone de Beauvoir said in 1947: “American women have only contempt for French women always too happy to please their men and too accepting of their whims.” What do you think she meant by that?

She meant what she said. American women were slightly better off than French women at that time and probably less accepting. I remember when I was a very young woman the French used to say that America was a matriarchy because men did the washing up.

Does this have any relevance today?

No. The level of tolerance for such sexist remarks has diminished, but not altogether. We still have lots of men reacting to women who write or denounce #MeToo with all sorts of insults or not taking what they have to say seriously.

I’m sure anyone of your stature would face the same, but some of your views have been seen as controversial. Why do you think that is?

I used Marx’s work but in a nonorthodox way, and that’s what I was criticized about. But this is in a very small milieu.

During the veil debate in France, I took a stand against the law that forbade young girls from going to school with a scarf. I was denounced by let’s say a majority of feminists. I think this is slightly getting better because I believe the young feminists are not so ferocious about what they call the veil; it’s a scarf. They don’t even realize that they’re racist, and that’s the problem. It’s such a controversial issue in France but not in other countries. In France, the idea of freedom of opinion and freedom of religion is not taken very seriously.

For people who may not be familiar with women’s liberation in France and your work in particular, what would you want people to understand?

First, people should go to a bookshop and buy my book Separate and Dominate by Verso.

I genuinely loved talking with you. By the way, my husband helped me come up with these questions.

Reverse exploitation!

Annie Hylton is an independent investigative journalist and writer based in Paris.

The post The Free Labor Force of Wives: A Conversation with French Feminist Writer Christine Delphy appeared first on Los Angeles Review of Books.

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I am 17 and lice in Hartlepool in England and I have got a 1.2 mk2 3 door Fiat Punto. And i need insurance, apparently Adrian Flux is cheep for young drivers, but just over a month ago i was quoted 1800, and now that i need it i am being quoted 2600, y? I was also surprised when i found out that my car is a group 4 insurance, with it being a little 60bhp 1.2 compared to my mates 130bhp car being a group 5. I cannot go on my mams insurance either as she can only drive an automatic. So I considered selling my Punto and try getting an automatic to go on my mams insurance as she has over 10 year no claims, but her 200 insurance went up to 2500. I guss alot of the price being because of where we live, there was multistory flats, in a big estate, and was a bad area, but now they have been knocked down and is now a new modern housing area. Is there anywhere I can contact, to come prove it is a nice area now? Thanks""

Where ti find classic car insurance in CA?

i recently bought a 1966 plymouth valiant....it is definitely not fixed up or anything like that it is just your basic old car that is in need of some help...but it runs and drives and will be my daily driver...so i need to find insurance for it......but most insurance companies only go as old as 81 .....anyone know any classic car insurance companies for currently un-restored cars?

How much should car insurance cost me?

im 16 and ive been saving some money for a while and i bought a 1998 honda civic, im currently paying $265/month for insurance is that too much, because im not sure im going to make the insurance this month because my hours were cut""

Does anyone know of any affordable dental insurance? i could apply for online? ?

i have a chipped tooth with no insurance. looking for something affordable that i can make weekly or monthly payments on.

Do I need car insurance if I drive on a learner's permit with a parent?

Also, do I need car insurance if I drive with a driver's license and with a parent. Also, this car is not mine, it is my parents.""

Health Insurance- Test Result Privacy?

I am curious as to how much information my insurance company (through an employer) has access to. For example, can they view the results of my blood tests done via Labcorp/Quest if they payed for them? Also, what about a test such as an EMG and Nerve Conduction study. Do they receive a copy of the final report? I know a copy is sent to my physician and that I personally have the right to a copy. But are results also sent to my insurance company? For what it's worth I have BCBS. Any input would be greatly appreciated.""

Do I need to pay insurance on a SORN car?

Hi if i declare my car SORN (UK) do i need to pay insurance or MOT?

Car or bike insurance?

What is more expensive when you are 17, Car or bike insurance???""

What type of car business insurance do i need?

i have a small take-away business and i want to let my employees to drive my car. i have 3 cars for my business. can you please give me list of websites

Anyone know anything about Alliance for Affordable Services ...its a health benefits program ??

I got a call about this program, and met with the representative today..everything sounds good..but I'm trying to do some research online about customer reviews and can't find ...show more""

If Affordable Care Act is tossed by SCOTUS what happens to those under 26 & on their parents insurance?

Simple question. Will employers go back to the old max age which was usually 19? Or will they stick with the new 26 since that transition has already been made, and millions of young adults only have insurance because of the new max age. Love or hate the rest of obamacare. I usually can't find anyone that thinks its a bad idea to let kids just trying to get a foothold on life to be on their parents insurance.""

I have a question about the Subaru Wrx Sti and Insurance?

Hi, My name is Adrian and I'm 20 years old and just go recently got 2008 scion TC 2 months ago, and yes I made a mistake because I should have gotten the used Subaru Wrx Sti 2005 and has 23,000 miles or above with modded exhaust. They are selling for 19k... Guys Do you thinks its ok to trade in my Scion Tc for subaru wrx sti??? I dont have credit and currently building it up by paying my car, insurance and cellphone... My insurance cost for my Scion Tc is $239 i know its high because 21 century consider it as a sports car not 3 door hatchback... Do you think my insurance will lower since the Subaru Wrx sti is older and its sedan... Thanks you!!!! BTW THIS IS THE SUBARU THAT I WANT TO TRADE IN http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/ctd/3418522562.html""

What is The Age Limit To Use My Medical Insurance?

Hi I'm 20 years old and i want to know what is the age limit medical insurance covers? I hardly use it and now that i need it to have an eye check, I don't know if it will cover me... I reside in California. Thank You!""

Quote for a day car insurance????????????

how much does a 1 day car insurance cost? It is the first time I need to do it, so I don't have any idea. When I try to get a quote, I'm always ask to register to the website... I don't really want to do it before having a quote :P Anyway would you please recommend me an agency? thanks""

""Car fender bender -insurance low balling payment, how to get more money from the insurance company?""

Had a fender bender accident and the other driver was charged, the insurance adjuster said the damage is $1500.00 and gave check (not yet cashed). Took car to repair shop (from the insurance approved list) the estimates were $2000.00 and $2800.00. How and what can be done to get the insurance to pay up more, so I can decide later when and where to get the car repaired? Thanks""

How do I get a license to sell insurance in california? Can someone please tell me step by step?

If you know of classes offered or helpful websites, please provide.""

Is car insurance a waste of money?

I need to get car insurance but I feel like its a waste of money. I am going to pay them monthly and if I happen to get into an accident I will still have to pay them something. I figure that if I can take the money I am going to pay them and put it aside for an emergency it would be a better use of money. Can anyone give me any advice on what I can do? Any liability insurance that really cheap, speaking around 100 a month maybe? lol""

Insurance cost...v6 vs v8?

Does it make difference? Is the insurance going to be higher?

How much does car insurance cost for 18 year olds?

would it be cheaper if I combined it with my dad's insurance plan? abput how much would it cost then?

What is a good first car that's cheap on insurance? UK?

I was thinking about buying a car, one that is cheap on insurance, good for a first time buyer? I dont have a huge budget so no new cars im afraid! any help?""

Any suggestions on first time driver insurance in the nyc area?

I need suggestions on good affordable insurance, keep in mind Im a first time driver.""

Do you need auto insurance to ride and motorcycle insurance to ride a motorcycle?

Ok i have a couple questions But first off all im 15 1/2 (all ready have motorcycle and car permit) 1) when i get my license do i have to buy auto insurance to have motorcycle insurance, Because my dad said to have your license and to ONLY drive a motorcycle you need both insurances. (even if i dont drive a car) 2) do i need to have motorcycle insurance to drive a motorcycle with a permit? (since you dont need car insurance for driving with a permit) Thank you!""

Car insurance increase?

My 19 niece has moved in with us and is going to get her license and a car soon. Will that affect the rate we pay in our insurance even if she carries her own policy? I am not sure if it would be with the same insurance company or not. We live in Minnesota. Thank you for your help!

How much does the value of a car affect insurance for an adult?

I was just thinking about people with a low income that save for many years to buy an expensive car. Dont they still have really high insurance rates?

insurance quote without car

Estimate on drivers insurance?

Hello, i'm 16 years old and about to get my licence any ideas on how much insurance would cost me? My family has Allstate and i can qualify for the good student discount.""

""Full-time college student, where and how can i get some kind of free health care?""

I am a colleg student. I don't have any kind of health care insurance. I cannot afford to buy health care for me. Is there any kind of health care I can get from that state? BTW, I live in Charlotte, NC. Would like to know if I can get some kind of coverage.""

Is it cheaper to have two people sharing one car and insurance?

Basically, both going to be learning together then buying one car for us both. We'll both be new drivers and we will use the car whenever we both need, kind of new to this so any information will be helpful :)""

How much would the insurance cost?

Im looking at buying either a 2011 shelby GT500 or a 2011 mustang GT. I just want to know how much ill be paying insurance companies for one of these... Im going to be 19 almost 20 by the time I get one of these.

Young drivers car insurance!!?

I am 17 at the moment but planning on getting the insurance when i turned 18 at the end of this month to make it that bit cheaper, I already own a Renault Clio (1.2L, 16v, 02 plate). The cheapest quote ive got is 4,000 (300 a month) and that's with co-ops new fit smartbox for young drivers, and i also have my dad as an additional driver and my mum on it with her provisional licence and I really just cant afford that price, any ideas on what i could possibly do?""

Why don't Gay men get the same car insurance rates as women?

Where should I look to insure a child in another state?

I am currently doing research to find an affordable health insurance plan for a child in California, I live in Colorado. I'm not sure how to go about finding insurance in another state, especially for a child. She will be 12 in October. Any suggestions?""

Cheaper car for insurance?

I have a 98 eclipse spyder right now, and I'm paying about 700 every 6 months on insurance. Not only that but about 40 a week in gas and other various maintenance. I've put some custom things into it, just wondering with 115k miles on it, what would a good trade be for a reliable car with good MPG and lower insurance?""

What is the cheapest car to insure for a 17-19 year old guy from the UK in 2013?

I'm 16 and will be taking my test next year and I want to know what to get for my first car?

Health insurance for pregnant women?

Does anyone know a good (and inexpensive) insurance provider for pregnant women?

Car insurance question?

My fiances insurance is OUTRAGEOUS on a truck he has liability only on ..due to his driving history. He's paying $300 a month (for liability ONLY now) ..my insurance on my car, for full coverage is not even a fraction of that a month, even though my cars value is at least $10,000 more than his. My question is can we put his truck in my name and I'll go to an insurance company and get liability only on and list myself as the only driver. We are expecting a baby and I'm sick of us throwing away that much money a month for CAR INSURANCE! Is this illegal? I mean if I'M the owner and I'VE insured it what can happen if he wrecks or something while driving it and is not listed on my policy? We live in Georgia if that's relevant!""

Cheapest Auto Insurance Humanly Possible?

I am a college student living on campus and want to have a car but will not be driving it much at all. I am just looking for the most basic and least expensive auto insurance I can find. I am 19 with no tickets or accidents yada yada yada. Where can I find some cheap coverage?

""I need a lot of dental work done and I don't have money for insurance, is there any programs or something I can sign up for?""

I was robbed at a job and got a tooth broke in half and I admit I never took care of my teeth as well as I should have, between our new baby and our bills I can't really afford Insurance or financing. i really just need a second chance, i feel like it holds me back from getting promoted and making a good first impression and id really like a better smile all around. is there any programs or something I can sign up for? I'd prefer for it to not be at the tax payers expense but I'm not above it. I live in california if that matters, thank you""

Whats the Cheapest Car Insurance i can get in British Columbia?? 2qestion read on?

i want to buy my first car next year when i turn 17 but i need to know how much insurance i have to pay!?!?! the car i kind of want is a good running beginner car any advice of which would suit my needs car??

Where can I get Car Insurance for over 80 year olds?

Why is health care so expensive in the U.S.?

I know, I know -- look at other yahoo! answers first... But what I'm wondering is, why is it so much MORE expensive? Is health care really of a much lower quality in other countries? Do their governments regulate it more? Thanks in advance. :)""

How is being required to buy health insurance any different than being forced to buy car insurance?

I know people are saying it's unconstitutional for the government to make us buy health insurance, but states already force you to buy car insurance. Wouldn't that be unconstitutional, too? I'm not trying to be a Smart Alec or anything. I seriously want to know the logic behind how people feel.""

Can I drive my sons car under my own (fully comp) insurance?

My son's car is registered to our home address, and he is currently away. His is cheaper to run so I want to use it (with his permission). He has third party only insurance but I am fully comp on my own car. My insurance states I can drive any other car with the owners permission, but does his insurance level, or the fact it is registered at my own address affect this?""

Do I need car insurance here in Florida?

If i have my own car...paid off..it's mine....do I need insurance on it here in Florida? How does that work?

When does health insurance expire when you move out of state?

Suppose you have health insurance in New York, and you plan to move to California. Before the actual move, you drive a vehicle across country, get a California license, register your vehicle, and register to vote. Then you fly back to New York for four months. You go to the doctor, and your NY insurance pays up. But then you get a letter from the insurance company, sent to the CA address but forwarded to NY, saying they heard you'd moved, so your insurance will be cancelled. You write back, telling them their information is premature, and that you'll change insurance when you complete the move. After four months, you complete the move to CA, and two days after your arrival, you start feeling woozy -- feverish with occasional headaches -- requiring bed rest and lots of fluids. If this doesn't clear up in a day or two, you'll want to see a doctor. Will you be covered by the NY insurance, given that you haven't had time yet to get CA insurance?""

Insurance low balling me?

The top of a dead tree fell from neighbor's yard, onto my car. Speared the back window and ruined my back seat. Large dent on the roof. Random dents and scratches all over the car. My full coverage insurance company, USAA, declared the accident covered under comprehensive insurance. Deemed unrepairable. I purchased my car for $5k, near $6k after 2years of financing is paid off. This accident just happened after 4 months of payment on the car. I have $3k left to pay. 1999 Honda Civic EX Coupe. KBB valued at: retail, $5.1k. private party, $3.3k. My insurance claim payout will be $2.6k. Which leaves me roughly $500 in the hole. I do not have gap insurance, and I wasn't even aware of gap insurance until this accident (at which point I came across that service while researching insurance info). It would cost me upwards of $5k easy to replace my Honda with a same or similar model from a car dealer. Is there any way to get more from my insurance claim? Is there any way to get more from my insurance claim?""

Has your auto insurance premium gone up?

I live in NJ and currently have AAA auto insurance, and my premium just renewed, and I noticed it went UP $300! I have no points, tickets, none of that. I didn't buy any other vehicles, or anything. I called them and they told me they had an overall rate increase. I think they're giving me the run around. I've never had a random rate increase ever before.""

What is the best online source for shopping for health insurance?

My son is 20, full time college student in a different state (PA.) Home state is Ohio. I am on disability so my insurance (and my husbands') is through Medicare.. I am shopping for an individual plan for my son, and there are so many sites which offer so many choices...Not only do I need to get the insurance plan, I need to find the best web site for the query. (tried einsurance, etc..)""

Honda civic si insurance?

Okay well im planning to upgrade to an 07 si im 18 and not a first time buyer, i had insurance for my other honda for about a year, so i was wondering about how much the insurance would be? Before i call my insurance.""

""Is there nay car insurance companies cheaper than elephant, bell & admiral ?""

Im a 24 year old male looking for cheap car insurance quotes, all of them seem to be quite a bit over 1000 and even 2000 - 3000 and thats when i checked money supermarket and compare the market but with elephant,bell and admiral my best quotes seem to be around 800 is there any other cheap car insaurance companies anyone can reccommend i try ?""

insurance quote without car

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/saga-insurance-blake-weber/"

0 notes

jimdsmith34 · 6 years

Text

Martin Landau on His Relationship With Marilyn Monroe, Playing Gay for Hitchcock, and His Oscars Triumph

For Martin Landau, the turning point came when he found himself watching the 1984 Academy Awards, “having a beer in my underwear, saying: ‘I should be there.’”

In 2012, Landau—then 84—recalled this to me in an interview for the Times of London as the moment he knew he wanted to save his career.

Starring roles as a Hitchcock villain or in the TV series of Mission: Impossible were lost to the mists of time. Agents had told Landau he was “finished.”

“It was frustrating. I knew what I was able to do, I was at the height of my powers but no one was giving me the chance,” the charming and wry Landau told me. And so his fightback began, not simply for recognition and glory, but also just to act—his true and abiding passion.

The career of the Academy Award-winning actor—who died Sunday at 89 after unexpected complications during a stay at the UCLA Medical Center—spanned many generations, many peaks and troughs, and many characters on our TV and cinema screens.

Perhaps you remember him as Rollin Hand in the original TV series of Mission: Impossible (for which Landau won a TV Golden Globe for Best Male TV Star in 1968), or—as it is for me—the tunic-wearing silver fox Commander John Koenig in the 1970s drama Space: 1999.

Yet, as that 1984 nadir showed, Landau’s career was uneven to say the least, going from playing the villain in Alfred Hitchcock’s North by Northwest (1959)—which he later told me he deliberately played as a gay man—to a role in the 1981 TV movie The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan’s Island.

The serious movie awards came later in Landau’s life, after he had roused himself from the mid-1980s doldrums.

First came a Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor, and an Oscar nomination, for his performance as a financier in Francis Ford Coppola’s Tucker: The Man and His Dream (1988). Landau’s second Oscar nomination came for playing a shifty and panicked adulterer in Woody Allen’s Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989).

He finally won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role as horror movie star Bela Lugosi in Tim Burton’s Ed Wood (1994), and he won the corresponding Golden Globe for that too, as well as many other laurels. Landau also amassed six Emmy nominations, including one for appearing in Entourage.

“It was like an out-of-body experience,” Landau told me of winning the Oscar. There are wonderful pictures of him kissing the statuette and giving a humble salute as he holds it. That humility, and a gentleness, was evident the day we met.

“I felt I knew Lugosi,” Landau told me. “Like him I had worked for good directors and terrible directors. I went thinking I was going to have a nice dinner and probably be miserable at the end of the night.”

“When I win you can see Samuel L. Jackson [nominated for Pulp Fiction] say ‘Shit,’ probably the most honest reaction one can have.”

When I met Landau in 2012, it was connected to Burton’s Frankenweenie, the first black and white animation shot in 3-D, which had just been released.

In what was a remake of a 1984 Burton short film, Landau voiced a science teacher who, by electrocuting a dead frog into life, inspired a 10-year-old Victor Frankenstein in ’60s American suburbia to reanimate his beloved dead dog.

Naturally, chaos of the comic and fairly gruesome kind ensued, all the magnificently weird visions of Burton distilled into a unique format; the 3-D element making it particularly eye-popping for cinema audiences.

Landau was happy: Though he was a well-known name, his fame was not of the supersonic kind enjoyed by his one-time best friend James Dean or his one-time paramour Marilyn Monroe. Landau was a link to old Hollywood, and after a career that zig-zagged around film and TV, in his later years he finally gained critical lionization.

And so, of course, Landau had tales to tell in a nondescript conference room of his agent Dick Guttman’s Los Angeles office, all in his magnificently gravelly voice. He was both warm, wonderful company and a candid raconteur.

Meeting Marilyn

He had met Monroe—she a couple of years his senior—under Lee Strasberg at the Actors Studio in New York.

“She was there because she was dissatisfied,” Landau told me. “People perceived her as a Hollywood blonde bimbo. She was very needy and would go from being on top of her game to absolutely bereft of any self-belief or confidence. She see-sawed between those two personalities.”

Landau told me that when he and Monroe would go to the theater, she would change her outfits many times. “We’d never see the first act of the play.”

I asked if he desired her. “She was terrific… I don’t talk about those things,” he replied quietly.

Did he have a relationship with her, I asked.

“I had a relationship with her. It was just before Arthur [Miller, the playwright; he and Monroe married in 1956]. It was an interesting relationship, I look at it very differently than the way I did then. She was incredibly attractive but very difficult.”

I asked how he coped with that. “You can’t. That’s why I didn’t.” It lasted “several months,” he said, he not able to negotiate the poles of her personality. “Yeah, you didn’t know which one would show up in the middle of something.” I asked if he ended the relationship. “I did, by becoming more busy.” Was she upset by that? “I don’t know, probably. I didn’t want to upset her.” Because she was fragile? “Yes. I busied myself with other things.”

After the relationship ended, Landau and Monroe saw each other “a couple of times in passing” in New York and Los Angeles, he told me.

I asked Landau if he was in love with Monroe.

“I don’t know if I was in love with her or fascinated by her or flattered by her. She was incredibly attractive and fun to be with much of the time. When she wasn’t she wasn’t. I mean, that was the problem. She could get very withdrawn.”

Did he want to marry her, I asked. “No, no. It was almost a form of purgatory. I never knew who [ie, which Marilyn] I was going to be with.”

Landau told me he had been changing planes in Rome in 1962 when he read that Monroe had died.

“I was heartbroken. As the mystery unfolded I was more and more shocked. It didn’t seem possible that she killed herself intentionally. It was possible she took more barbiturates than necessary, just losing count, or possibly it was foul play. Nobody knows.”

‘Martin, You Have a Circus Going on Inside You’

Landau grew up in Brooklyn: his father had been a machinist; his mother, he told me, took him to the movies. He was sensitive, and loved acting and drawing. When he listened to radio dramas like The Shadow with Orson Welles, it “allowed you to create a set of images and characters.”

Landau studied art at the Pratt Institute and became a cartoonist for the Daily News in New York. (“Tim and I work well together,” Landau said of Burton. “I understand him, we both started as cartoonists.”)

Landau quit that job after seeing a friend act and deciding he could do better. He attended the Actors Studio (Steve McQueen was a fellow student), and later he became its artistic director, tutoring such stars as Jack Nicholson and Anjelica Huston. He headed the Hollywood branch until his death.

Hitchcock saw Landau’s stage performance in Paddy Chayefsky’s Middle of the Night and cast him in North by Northwest (1959), saying: “Martin, you have a circus going on inside you. Obviously if you can do that part you can play this little trinket.”

In the movie, Landau’s character wants to get rid of Eva Marie Saint’s because, Landau decided, his character “had to be gay; she was interfering with his relationship” with James Mason’s character. “I made it subtle; I knew in big cities they’d get it. Hitch loved it. People told me: ‘Don’t play gay. It will affect your career.’ I said: ‘I’m an actor.’”

He recalled to me meeting his friend James Dean—“he was a farm boy, I was a New Yorker”—at an open casting call. Dean asked him how the process worked, and Landau, observing how different they looked, deduced they would not compete for roles.

Regarding Monroe and Dean’s early deaths, Landau told me: “It’s so hard because everyone else I’ve known who died got old—they’re both frozen in time.”

Landau was married to the actress Barbara Bain from 1957 until their divorce in 1993: a “natural end,” he told me.

They had met at an acting class, and Space: 1999 fans will remember they starred opposite each other in that show. (They had first starred alongside one another in Mission: Impossible.) Landau is survived by Bain and their two daughters Susie and Juliet.

Facing Ageism in Hollywood

Landau cherished his late-career renaissance. “Ageism is something that does exist,” he told Deadline in April. “As a young actor, I was working much more readily, and being offered more things. I don’t like to do what I call ‘the grunters’—a character who sits at a table and grunts, and young people make fun of. I turn a lot of those down. I like a character that is still alive, and is necessarily thinking, and either grows or diminishes, or whatever.”

As for never making the A-list, Landau seemed sanguine. “I think it would have held me back in a certain way,” he told me. “I played a wide variety of roles.” Others had “great careers and became major stars, but I played more things, had more fun, and I’m still doing it.”

Indeed he was. After Frankenweenie came more roles: in The Red Maple Leaf with Kris Kristofferson and James Caan; Remember, alongside Christopher Plummer; and, most recently, The Last Poker Game opposite Paul Sorvino. Three other projects are listed at various stages of production on Landau’s IMDb page: Herstory, Without Ward, and Nate & Al.

‘An Actor’s Actor’

When it came time to say farewell that day in 2012, Landau told me he had greatly enjoyed our conversation. He suggested to me and to Guttman that, should he ever come to write it, would I like to work on his memoir with him?

Nothing ever came to pass, although I was extremely heartened to read tonight, via Deadline, that Landau had been working on a memoir at the time of his death. A documentary, appropriately titled An Actor’s Actor: The Life of Martin Landau, is also apparently in development.

Landau was both quite the storyteller and also a true actor's actor, so both projects, should they reach fruition will be fascinating. Landau believed in acting, rather than stardom, passionately—as both craft and vocation. That might explain his longevity and late-in-life triumphs. It certainly illuminates why it was an honor and pleasure to meet and spend time with Martin Landau.

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/02/martin-landau-on-his-relationship-with-marilyn-monroe-playing-gay-for-hitchcock-and-his-oscars-triumph/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/11/martin-landau-on-his-relationship-with.html

0 notes

adambstingus · 6 years

Text

Martin Landau on His Relationship With Marilyn Monroe, Playing Gay for Hitchcock, and His Oscars Triumph

For Martin Landau, the turning point came when he found himself watching the 1984 Academy Awards, “having a beer in my underwear, saying: ‘I should be there.’”

In 2012, Landau—then 84—recalled this to me in an interview for the Times of London as the moment he knew he wanted to save his career.

Starring roles as a Hitchcock villain or in the TV series of Mission: Impossible were lost to the mists of time. Agents had told Landau he was “finished.”

The serious movie awards came later in Landau’s life, after he had roused himself from the mid-1980s doldrums.

“When I win you can see Samuel L. Jackson [nominated for Pulp Fiction] say ‘Shit,’ probably the most honest reaction one can have.”

When I met Landau in 2012, it was connected to Burton’s Frankenweenie, the first black and white animation shot in 3-D, which had just been released.

Meeting Marilyn

He had met Monroe—she a couple of years his senior—under Lee Strasberg at the Actors Studio in New York.

Landau told me that when he and Monroe would go to the theater, she would change her outfits many times. “We’d never see the first act of the play.”

I asked if he desired her. “She was terrific… I don’t talk about those things,” he replied quietly.

Did he have a relationship with her, I asked.

After the relationship ended, Landau and Monroe saw each other “a couple of times in passing” in New York and Los Angeles, he told me.

I asked Landau if he was in love with Monroe.

Did he want to marry her, I asked. “No, no. It was almost a form of purgatory. I never knew who [ie, which Marilyn] I was going to be with.”

Landau told me he had been changing planes in Rome in 1962 when he read that Monroe had died.

‘Martin, You Have a Circus Going on Inside You’

Regarding Monroe and Dean’s early deaths, Landau told me: “It’s so hard because everyone else I’ve known who died got old—they’re both frozen in time.”

Landau was married to the actress Barbara Bain from 1957 until their divorce in 1993: a “natural end,” he told me.

Facing Ageism in Hollywood

‘An Actor’s Actor’

Landau was both quite the storyteller and also a true actor’s actor, so both projects, should they reach fruition will be fascinating. Landau believed in acting, rather than stardom, passionately—as both craft and vocation. That might explain his longevity and late-in-life triumphs. It certainly illuminates why it was an honor and pleasure to meet and spend time with Martin Landau.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/02/martin-landau-on-his-relationship-with-marilyn-monroe-playing-gay-for-hitchcock-and-his-oscars-triumph/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/167043370892

0 notes