#why wasn't i ever enough for him

[kierpyr]

tw venting, and mentions of emotional abuse/manipulation

i hate my dad

#i hate him #i hate him so damn much #why couldn't he just love me like he was supposed to #why wasn't i ever enough for him #why am i not enough for him #why can't he just love me #the worst part about it is that some part of me still loves him #even after all of the lies he told me #all of the times he's emotionalliy abused and manipulated me #all of the times he's gaslit me #i still care about him #and it hurts because he doesn't love me back #tw vent #vent post #sorry for this i just needed it out of my system #i think i need to get a therapist /hj #art is coming soon don't worry #i'll be fine

[daydreamingoncloud9]

So recently, there was this blue lock exhibition where you could be accompanied by either an E4 (isagi/bachira/kunigami/chigiri) or a reonagi/nagireo voice guide. (Full translation for the former here and the latter (+ the actual audio) here)

And the reonagi/nagireo one makes me very :) sane :) actually :)

And the fact that this script was supervised by Kaneshiro-sensei himself and thus makes all of this canon...

It's not like I was finally getting over my obsession or anything. This didn't drag me back into reonagi/nagireo hell at all! :)

I also haven't been obsessing over the other stuff that came with the exhibition either. Nope. Nope.

I'm completely chill guys. My life hasn't been ruined and I'm not in shambles at all. I am A-OK.

#as if the script wasn't bad enough‚ the actual voices make it even /worse/ somehow oml #why are you guys flirting???? why does nagi use babytalk and the softest voice ever when talking to reo??? #why does reo sound so endeared by nagi when he's being pouty and extra whiny with him???? #nagi what do you mean you want someone to spoil you for the rest of your life while implying that someone should be reo??? #why do you sound so sad and confused at the implication reo won't always be with you??? #reo what do you mean you /want/ to always be with nagi too??? #hey guys i thought this was about football??? where's the football guys??? hello??? #nagireo #reonagi #mikage reo #reo mikage #nagi seishiro #seishiro nagi #blue lock spoilers #bllk spoilers #The Cloud Talk #you know what? after this idc what anyone says #they are canon and in love /to me/

[virsancte]

good days aren't easy to come by

#simblr #ts4 legacy #valentine gen 4 #fun fact for context on why i care so much abt him finally choosing to play the piano on his own #but it's gonna get Long so strap in #basically. the guitar he used to have had been with him since he was like...... my god. probably about 15 #he bought it at a yard sale for pennies from an older woman #it belonged to her late son originally and it wasn't even . supposed to be a part of the sale in the first place. she just took a liking to #devin and figured that really it's better in the hands of someone who would use it than for it to collect dust in her garage forever #and he couldn't really practice at home. his parents... are not exactly the kindest people you've ever seen #he was too afraid of them destroying or throwing it away so he'd sneak off to god knows where and learn how to play it from old #youtube videos on his busted up phone #it quickly became Everything to him. his most prized possession. and it wasn't a shitty guitar either. the son was a professional musician #that's how ellie and devin met in the first place. he was playing at the market she used to sneak out to in the evenings to #and she instantly knew . this boy is going places and really they might as well go together #enough backstory of the backstory. long story short: he was struggling to make rent eventually and was out of vinyls to pawn off #so he had no choice left. it was either that or he'd get kicked out along with his sister. who was still struggling a lot w/ addiction #so he sold it. and it broke him. he's literally just not been the same since losing it #his sister stole him a guitar from a music shop she'd go to sometimes but it just wasn't the same and he had not played an instrument since #until now anyway #still not a guitar. but maybe someday #or he can find his old one and buy it again......... #lmfao if you made it here congrats. you win nothing bc im broke but i do respect you

[nostalgia-tblr]

It's time for me to admit something.

I am still a bit confused about how back in the beginning of the Loki series Mobius is introduced to us as "special[ising] in the pursuit of dangerous Variants." But like. That doesn't seem to be a thing that the TVA really... do? They mostly seem to spot nexus events and pop to the new branch and prune it, bringing back the person who caused that nexus event to give them a show-trial and then prune them too.

There's no reason they can't do more than one thing, but what exactly are "dangerous variants"? From the TVA perspective they're all equally troublesome, and they'll be picked up as soon as they do something 'wrong', and the TVA/HWR don't actually care about the moral value or otherwise of that 'wrong' thing. Have I got that right?

They're chasing Sylvie but a) she's targeting the TVA themselves and b) she's got a means to travel from one timeline to another, which she got from the TVA and unless those get stolen a lot..

I'm willing to just roll with it anyway if it doesn't really fit but what am I missing here? EXPLAIN. (pls?)

#loki series #this has been bothering me for a while but nobody else ever asks about it so i assume i've just missed some crucial info here? #and so to me it's been like the Dangerous Variants stuff is a leftover from some earlier draft of the story? #one of what i consider the Fandom Misconceptions is the idea that the TVA/Mobius actually care that TVA!Loki's been a bad boy. #but they don't! he was *supposed* to be a bad boy so actually he wasn't doing anything wrong as they'd see it (until he ran off) #the guilt-tripping clip-show is just to break *this* Loki and tame him enough that they can use him to catch the *other* Loki #but then even with this i am at odds with much of the fandom? who do see mobius as trying to help Loki from the outset #but like... the TVA are not in the business of redemption arcs! what does mobius plan to do if they do catch the Bad Variant together? #what great reward lies in wait for the now-surplus Loki he brought in to catch the one they were actually having problems with? #because i suspect very much that the longer-term plan for TVA!Loki involved a nice euphemistic word like “pruning” #what's going on what am i missing why am i over here watching a series that seems to be far more fucked-up than other peoples?

[ask-artsy-oncie]

I was reminded of the time that tumblr tried to make "monster high but with tumblr sexymen", and one of the characters was (obviously) the daughter of the once-ler.

And the funny thing to me about that is that in the canon of the illumination lorax movie, the once-ler is heavily implied to have an estranged daughter. I don't know all the sexymen off the top of my head but I think he might've been one of the only ones referenced in that trend who actually had a daughter in his own canon.

#Stupid shit #I'm gonna provide context in the tags for those who want it but I also like the idea of just leaving it there #Okay so for anyone who wasn't in the fandom: when people say the movie gave us no one to ship the Once-ler with they were LYING #The movie gave the Once-ler no MALE characters to ship him with - thus Oncest started #However - the second most popular Once-ler ship was between him and Norma #(Who - if you haven't seen the movie in a while - is Ted's grandmother who tells him about the Once-ler and how to find and barter with him #This was mostly just a ship born from theory and logical deduction - why does Norma know so much personal info about the Once-ler? #Were they perhaps friends? Lovers? In the past? Where was she in his life and at what points? When did she leave? #And people started making theories and shipping the two - primarily as past lovers. But there was art of them reconnecting for sure. #HOWEVER - this also meant that there was a theory that Ted's mom was also related to the Once-ler #As in - hmm this daughter of a very short fat woman is oddly tall and thin... hmmm #And so the running theory wasn't just that the Once-ler and Norma were once lovers - but that the Once-ler was also Ted's grandfather #Who was entirely estranged from the family due to self-exile and possibly bad blood between him and Norma at some point during his downfall #(I actually do think that it's funny that the Once-ler's youngest design purposefully draws some comparison between him & the Truffula tree #Only for the character theorized to be his daughter to also evoke some Truffula tree imagery in her design) #ANYWAYS that was a theory for about as long as the movie was out - Normaler (the ship) was a thing for as long (if not longer) than Oncest #And was present enough that there were like actively flame wars between the two groups of shippers #Like literally I directly remember this it's so insane to me that no one ever brings this up when talking about the shipping in this fandom #BUT THEN!!!! The Lorax comes out on DVD. The fandom rejoices and everyone takes pictures of themselves buying or holding the DVD. #If you dig far enough and I haven't deleted it yet you might find mine. I was in full cosplay wig and all. #Anyways - we have the movie in HD now!! No more cam rip footage!!! #And now we can take high-quality screenshots that truly show off the detail of the backgrounds in this movie #(The fandom loved to gush about how detailed and well-designed the movie's backgrounds were - that wasn't just a throwaway transition) #Only - what's this????? #In one of the shots at the end of the movie - we very briefly get to see the inside of the Once-ler's lurkim - like the living room #AND THERE - IN THE BACKGROUND - ONLY VISIBLE IN HD #IS A PHOTOGRAPH OF A WOMAN WHO SUSPICIOUSLY HAS THE EXACT SAME SILHOUETTE AS NORMA #Normaler fans rejoice and 'Grandpa Once-ler' theory is accepted into canon (or - more accurately - 'implied canon') by most fans #So yes - for those keeping track - while the evidence wasn't as concrete as it could have been #The Once-ler is implied to have been the father of Ted's mom in the movie

[soupmanspeaks]

you ever wonder if the Glamrocks's face tracking acts up when they look at Glamrock-Freddy, like they'll look at his face, and the recognition will register as Freddy, but their systems for whatever reason or another think that there is a face overlapped on Freddy's do you think they see two small squares next to him, at his side, roughly child sized, but no one is physically there.... right...?

#fnaf #michael afton #five nights at freddy’s #glammike #crying child #elizabeth afton #i wanted to allude something to william but idk #would the glamrocks go into the sinkhole? maybe #maybe next to glamrock freddy alongside the weird overlapping face he has and the two kid height faces #there is a face tracking box next to him...standing #remember that post about the ghost hunters comin to the pizza plex? maybe the weird face tracking happens too... #im watching garret watts and Andrew's constant facial tracking anomalies inspired this post lol #anyways i really like the thought that despite being the most friendly Glamrock; Freddy has this......feeling about him #his AI was made just this year! programmed with cutting edge and top of the line technology! #then....then why does he go off script sometimes? why does he say things that wasn't programmed show dialogue? #how does he know about Mr. Afton? the killer from the 80's who committed heinous deeds? #Why does he speak as if he knew him personally? if his AI is just pulling stuff from online; Why does he speak with resentment about him? #IM SORRY I JUST LOVE THE CONCEPT!! #like just because this franchise has gotten more neon and sugery than ever; remember; lights can be blinding and sugar causes cavities #idk what that means just omg there is more horror potential than you think in the SB era of games if you look hard enough #off topic but back to freddy being a sweetie pie i think that its funny okay #freddy sasses adults okay okay but he isnt mean to kids okay maybe michael just idk; MATURED? maybe he just got some whimsy mkay? #listen if i was forced to be in a perpetual cycle of atoning for my own and my father's sins i would find any and all silver linings mkay #aw yeah this is sick i get to be a freddy mercury inspired glamrock bear WOOO #granted michael was probably tired of animatronic bands and pizza by fnaf 6 but ykkkkkkkk it.....could be worse? he could be his dad lmao #anyways headcannon michael listend to freddy mercury and this is the equivalent of cosplaying him scott told me so (trust) #tag rambles! theyre fun lol

[fideidefenswhore]

teenage dream (2023), olivia rodrigo / the spanish princess (2020) / the private lives of the tudors, tracy borman (2016) / the six queens of henry viii (2016) / the vaux passional / the six wives of henry viii (2001) / the lovers who changed history (2014) / blood, sex & royalty (2022) / blood, sex & royalty (2022), gif @fabledenigma / the cross (2014) 

#yes i am using this song this intro and this bridge yes i am using it for him. #i just want to be hated.gif #web weaving #the afterword will probably prove the most controversial but oh well. #is it enough for you? gagged him a little. #it is so gutting bcus it's so tangible that she just. pities him. to her core. #it goes from anger to pity. why won't you give me what you claim i'm worth to why won't you give yourself what you claim you're worth? #i have like the entire meta for that scene saved bcus i knew it wouldn't save all my tags #tl; dr you won't be fulfilled by that; you just think you will. #and of course it hits its target because nothing is ever enough for him #his most formative memories begin with this sense of debt #where he's fallen behind this future that's been charted for him because it wasn't supposed to be his #and then he becomes king and just. falls behind and falls behind and falls behind #each loss compounded by grief and disappointment and the sense he's fallen even farther behind #the loss of his mother is spoken of re: his development a lot and i think it's important but it probably overshadows #how small the other gaps are #it's nine years between his brother dying and the loss of his first child that lived at all #and more than that it's his brother and mother dying literally eleven months apart #there is this sense of dynastic duty but it also has to have been so deeply personal #he wants to compensate for the loss of his family and yet his family continues to die and each loss reminds of the previous #and in this immediacy the women he marry inherit this debt #this emotional debt and debt of duty #henry has a lot of promise but the promise has a price if it's not fulfilled #fabledenigma #and it's to the disadvantage of all the women he becomes close to (and some of the men-- wolsey; cromwell) that henry's been staring #at this hourglass of sand since he was ten years old but he also doesn't know any other way #there is a deep and ineffable tragedy about this man #inescapable from what julia fox said recently; anne was the love of his life. #which means to me the question of whether or not he remembered anne in the aftermath answers itself. #there's not only always the ghost of anne herself but the ghost of the future they had planned together

[anistarrose]

inverted murder mystery: "who the fuck killed my archnemesis? i need to thank them personally"

#spoilers + meta for my own fic (a monster might begin to worry) in the tags below bc i just reread it and cried but #if magnus was less depressed and more assured of his own worthiness of being stood up for and protected #then ammbtw would have almost immediately turned into this #instead it doesn't really become this until the final chapter - where magnus finally believes that protecting him was the right thing #before that - when he did have the capacity to “solve” the case; and obviously even *did* solve it with some help - #he was so torn up over motive. over *why* someone would've intervened. and because mags thought so poorly of himself - #he wasn't convinced that killing kalen *was* a heroic act. because sure; magnus felt that kalen deserved it #but he also felt that *he* was getting off easy. that he wasn't having to atone for *his* perceived failures #in that last chapter though. in that last chapter. just when he's lost the ability to remember or comprehend the answer #which is the *same* time he finally claws his way up into good enough mental health to believe that he deserves nice things #*that's* when he finally wants to do my little shitpost above. to give the murderer a truly heartfelt thank you #and the irony is that the killer is right under his nose... and magnus doesn't know; and can never ever know #but instead of being a dark ending a la “the murderer committed the perfect crime and got away; where will they strike next?” #it's a “magnus is safe and loved and supported” ending :) even if he still doesn't know the lengths his family's gone to for him #because he's getting to a place where he can be happy without knowing all the answers :) #a monster might begin to worry

[gregoftom]

“do you have all the support that you need [for sweden]?”

#tomgreg #''i'm not okay'' wig tom :)))) #man what can i even say about this part like literally what can i say #it feels less like he leans to greg when something is wrong with shiv and more like he leans to greg when he's fucking terrified #why would someone like greg EVER make you feel safe in a business world. unless you were enamoured with him. #unless you felt like you were on top of the world with him. invincible. unstoppable. unless you TRUSTED him with your life. #unless it wasn't about business at all. or at least not completely. #idk idk. you could say he couldn't exactly call shiv bc of the state she was in and yeah you could say he needed to cover his ass. #true. that's all true. but i think that regardless of that. it's important to remember greg asked if tom wanted him there earlier #and tom denied it but in actuality he really fucking did need him. #he could never predict he'd lose his big connection; that logan would die. of course not. he could never predict he'd suddenly #become unsafe and the rug pulled out from under him. but if he could you KNOW who the fuck he'd take with him. #it's also important to remember that it's only to shiv and greg that he ever admits that he's not okay/hurt. that he ever lets down the wall #greg is not amazing with his words but i think to hear his voice was enough to comfort tom a bit. and when he made the joke #greg calmed him down. he didn't even chide tom for making a joke about greg looking like a suspect. he was too focused on #listening to tom and making sure he got it all. #they're sOOooo. ughh #sigh. sigh. sigh. sigh. SIgh #sorry for the long ass cap posts but like. sometimes you Gotta cap it and not do a video like this Deserves caps

[dmclemblems]

I like how he proves his point basically immediately.

#like... if she wanted to deny it she would've even if he wouldn't have listened. she just... didn't #I really feel like a lot of times she'll say things that sound nice but she'll only follow through with the bad things (at war) #I see no reason at all in this game why she'd have to kill him. she tells Claude she wasn't even really planning to kill Rhea #to her it was enough to take Rhea out of power and leave her alive so why would she have to kill Dimitri here? #the only singular reason she'd have is to conquer Fodlan in the event that he wouldn't stand down and just #let her take Faerghus and destroy the lives they've built. so... basically... the only reason to kill him is because #he won't give up on defending his people and their freedom and prevent them from being under Empire rule #and the thing is none of these people who are alive now in Faerghus have ever not been living this life #their life in Faerghus is what they know. it's not like when Faerghus first split off from Adrestia #the people living there now didn't do anything to the Empire. they aren't responsible for that war of independence #this is just the life they've always known and suddenly someone wants to take their country #and put it under the power of their country which for Faerghus isn't fair at all #she's basically admitting to being the aggressor and the whole problem for Faerghus with this smfh #Three Hopes #Dimitri #Edelgard

[birdclowns]

re those how to write trans ppl posts: if a cis person told ME, the person who experiences the dysphoria, how dysphoria felt. they would simply be missing limbs before they finished talking 🥰

#im old and mean enough to tear transphobes apart like an animal #its why i made carlos keep his pretty mouth shut in the gender fic it wasn't abt him all he needed to do was listen #and then kiss tk forever and ever #i talk #just. usually cis ppl are not as educated.. as a trans person... on what its like to be trans... #same with general queerness #there is a reason i Rarely befriend cishets

[neosatsuma]

can someone tell me what I was supposed to like about Baby Driver

#the dialogue was goofy the 'romance' was nonexistent the character arc was ? 'sometimes sad boy do violent even tho not want'? #there was almost something interesting happening with the silence at home contrasted with the constant noise outside it #almost #sorry i am REALLY stuck on that 'romance' #and 'dialogue' #when she started talking to him i thought she was ALSO secretly a criminal of some sort?? #i was like 'no human being would ever talk like that or be so over familiar while at work like that' #'she probably doesn't even work here. that's why her nametag is wrong' #'she's casing the joint' #obvsly it quickly became apparent that wasn't the case but #nothing about her behavior made sense at any point #the characters were too 2D and goofy for it to be a serious film #but there wasn't enough humor for it to be a funny film. an absolute dearth tbh #and there was too much violence for it to be a lighthearted film #so we're left in this middle zone of like. #unfunny unrealistic unconvincing #so what DID it do? #well. #nothing really. #sats speaks

[magnusmodig]

rough childhood headcanon qs / @clxscdeyes / no longer accepting !

╰┈➤ 7 . how old was your muse when they realized they had childhood trauma?

||. one whole "today years old" post!ragnarok and hela's reveal. Except, even then, according to the movie, not really because Thor is still in heavy denial about all of it where Odin is concerned. I've spoken a bit (here) about how Thor adores his family; he idolizes them and views them through blinding rose-colored glasses, (especially when they're deceased) and that is especially true of his circumstances.

So, very often times when the truth clashes with the rose-colored view of them (namely: his father), Thor does one of two things: find a way to justify the words or action with the surrounding context of the time to make it make sense (e.g., well he scolded me harshly because i was talking back), or avoid it altogether. (this is his go-to. no talking about it; thor would rather not right now, so he does not.)

Key example being: he would rather focus on how his father changed his ways, and the Odin that he knew and grew up with was a man who had turned away from pursuing war for war's sake, and was instead one who valued peace and life. He would rather focus on that aspect of Odin, and take in the broader picture of Odin's life. REGARDLESS of the fact that what Thor is deeply, personally affected - not with the realization that Odin changed his ways once upon a time - but by the fact that he lied to him, manipulated him, and controlled and shaped every aspect of his being, for Thor's whole life, JUST to avoid another Hela. Someone who Thor is not, could not be farther from, and never knew about, because Odin (apparently) kept the matter of his true first-born a closely-guarded secret and seemingly would have continued to were it not for Odin's death, Hela's escape, and Ragnarok all coinciding at the same moment in time. And this, all because Thor rationalizes it as "well, I wouldn't want to be remembered and judged based on the person that I used to be. I should extend that same kindness to my father, because he too, changed." (x10 because now Odin is dead. And it's in poor-taste to speak ill of a dead man.)

The problem namely being: Thor only talks about things when Thor decides it's time to talk about things ; when he is ready. ...but as this is a topic that ripple effects down to Thor's core, good luck getting him to open up about it, even just with himself.

#(yknow what sucks most about this is that 2011-2015 thor was on a trajectory where) #(while he still wouldn't talk about a lot of things he wasn't as firmly rooted in /absolute denial/ like he is now >>) #(he would lock up and not talk about his personal feelings but he was still /thinking/ about them) #(- and could grow ready to share his thoughts once he processed through all of it.) #(or at least he would broach the broad concepts while still lightly brushing over 'k but how did it make THOR feel') #(dude would rather choke than talk about his own feelings no support system for thor he's so dumb) #(which is also just so funny because he never /denied/ the fact that he's feeling under the weather either) #(he just... won't elaborate on why he is or how to feel better.) #(but anyways) #(to rationalize the trajectory shift away from 'thor being able to talk about deeply upsetting topics for him even if it's uncomfortable') #(i've decided that so much has happened in such a short amount of time and there's /so/ many things eating at him-) #(-that he's subconsciously decided he's not going to talk much about any of them. because there's just too much.) #(the vibe of 'if i talk about this now i'm going to fall and if i fall i don't know if i can get up again because it's finally too heavy) #(-and i can't afford to fall down bc there's too much at stake outside of me so i just will not take the chance') #(he can if he's ever with someone he truly trusts and he can speak about it NORMALLY if that person pushes him enough) #(because you've always had to needle thor to /actually answer your question/ rather than talk half-way around it) #(//stares at thor 2011 where he never opens up to jane even once not even at the fire-side chat) #(but until then it's big denial mode bc ragnarok messed him up something fierce and i'm not even talking about-) #(-the order of in-universe events that happen in the movie orz) #( ooc . ) — stories that leap from the page . #( answered . ) — black feathers fall to a raven's call . #clxscdeyes #( headcanon . ) — glory to the man who toils for his land . may it ever prosper .

[creativesplat]

That scene from A Tale of Two Stars, from Stan's perspective.

#I imagine its pretty darn scary having your carer/ grunkle beaten up by this random dude from a portal that your grunkle liked #also the 'you didn't tell me you had kids down here' bit Ford looks so guilty like #like he knew he just full on attacked this man - which in his mind is morally fine - but in front of kids? that's where ford draws the line #and stan just looks really sad when he looks at scared Mable #also the r-i-n-g bit is the tinitus caused by Stan's ears slamming into the ground/ dislodging his hearing aid ( and totally #not me deciding that adding the goofy (but still scary) dialogue because it would ruin the tone and also because I hate writing in bubbles #also you all know I had to add the bloodied nose from the story boards what sort of person would I be if I didn't? ;> #when they tell the story it certainly affected Mable but I imagine Stan's joy at seeing his brother being reciprocated by a punch really #imprinted on her I think #she's not scared of loosing dipper until she sees the grunkle she trusts (enough to potentially doom the world as of the last episode) #be so so wrong about his brother - when you see a grown up getting betrayed or being wrong it really impacts a child y'know? so yeah #but I love ford being so caring about children even when he hates his brother and wants nothing more than to slam him repeatedly into a wal #he sees children and immediately changes his attitude #is that because of his parents do you think? did he and stan see or experience physical abuse? is that why he cares so much about these #children not seeing their grunkle getting hurt? Did he see his mother hurt or stan? we all know Filbrick wasn't the best dad ever so... #because as much as stan and ford are jerks to each other they care about Mable and dipper from the moment they saw them and that's just ... #I love them #also I am so surprised by how easily they accept ford into the conversation like I get it for narrative purposes but #someone just attacked your boss/dad or your grunkle/grandpa and even if there were just massive secrets revealed and its like a celebrity ( #aka the author) he still punched your boss/dad/grunkle in the face and pinned him to the floor #did no one want to stop that or... #but for real I love how quickly Mable is like 'hey this guys odd and I love his fingers “a full finger friendlier than normal” my heart #anyway I had to draw it so I did #your welcome! #lol #grunkle stan #grunkle ford #dipper pines #mable pines #stanley pines

[dazais-guardian-angel]

went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠

#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years #not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion #so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all #but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all. #it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid) #and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable. #but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him #i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted #and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried......... #the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms #i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still #and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :))))) #insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case #i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!) #but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man. #it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/ #why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly??? #while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING??? #if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now #but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃 #shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience #and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over #he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday #and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now. #i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again.. #i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh #(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh) #at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*

[kottaniq]

One thing i love about myself is the fact i wrote an entire backstory for Swanky and it's a complete tragedy as he was the saddest kong to ever live in the island

#i have no idea why i dedicated myself so much to write a backstory for a complete irrelevant character but idc HA #and when i say i dedicated myself I MEAN IT. I had thought about the littlest details #did you know that here Swanky's full name is actually Swanky Kong Junior because he's the second Swanky on the family? #did you know that he wasn't born in the dk island and that he is actually from a big city? #AND THAT BLUSTER IS ALSO FROM THE SAME CITY AND THATS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY SWANKY WOULD COMMIT HOMOCIDE AGAINST HIM?!?!?!?!?! #if i ever feel motivated enough i MIGHT do art related to this pile of depression that is Swanky's life #cuz i refuse to believe he's a happy man nah nah he's my fav since when my favs get happy endings. #im gonna make his life miserable and he will be a menace to everyone close to him #im being dramatic btw it's not THAT bad lmao