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danwhobrowses · 1 year

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WWE Royal Rumble 2023 - Review

It's that time of the year where throwing someone over the top rope is the most difficult thing in the world

Royal Rumble sets the stage for the Road to Wrestlemania, the card looks obvious, but with Vince's returned leering eyes hovering over Trips, what can he pull off?

Spoilers for the Event

Kick-off Kick-off is still kinda pointless, no matches, no fun. Plus Jerry and Booker, you can't get a panel with any Royal Rumble winners huh?

We get clips of Roman on the Tonight Show too, plus a SD recap reacted to by the full Bloodline, Jey took the fall (by telling the truth) which had Roman decide to focus on the night, Sami will be beside Roman all night.

JBL's segment is unneeded, Gabriel Iglesias showing up with an all gold world title was to confirm him being at Wrestlemania. We did have a sequence of the competitors drawing numbers, but it was like stickers on a wall, miss the old tombola.

Main Card

Pat McAfee came back, Cole acted like Steve Austin had shown up. Pat's a good commentator but like, that's what you start with? He almost fell off his chair too.

Men's Royal Rumble Cody Rhodes [30] wins the Men's Royal Rumble (Last eliminating GUNTHER [1]) Interesting but not a bad choice to have Sheamus and GUNTHER renew hostilities at 1 & 2, Miz at 3 though was just to be smacked around until Kofi came in at 4 (liked the Super Mario Tron). Gargano got barely any pop for 5 which was sad. Miz was first to be eliminated due to 25 Beats of the Bodhran, a Gargano superkick and then a Brogue, then Xavier showed up for 6, fake teases of them fighting each other before Kross came in at 7.

See, Kross had a good start there, fighting GUNTHER and Sheamus, he needs physical fights. Gable came in at 8 shooshing everyone, Drew at 9 reminded me how bloody long this ramp is but he Claymored Kross over the rope for the second elimination, we're saving for Brock and Lashley aren't we? Santos Escobar at 10 (in kickoff he was happy with that, dunno why it's the early half) but a mention of Mil Mascaras was funny. Dawkins at 11. Woods and Kofi saved each other by doing Private Party's silly string, but Gunther eliminated Woods and then knocked over Kofi into a chair, his foot was floating over it though.

Out came Brock, eliminating Santos, Dawkins and Gable in succession, squaring off with Gunther until Lashley came out at 13, spearing dudes and eliminating Brock quickly. Brock threw a fit as Corbin came out and got wiped out by Brock. One of my top 3 picks, Rollins at 15, threw in Corbin to eliminate him, Otis at 16, Rey at 17, nice small pop for him still but he didn't come out...Rollins eliminates Lashley, Dom at 18 wearing Rey's mask and ripping it (off camera) as Otis was eliminated. Elias at 19 guitar in hand to hit over GUNTHER, but ate a simul-Claymore/Brogue (why not call it the Double Banger?) before being thrown out. Balor backed up Dom at 20, double intercepts helped eliminate Gargano to no fanfare.

Ugh, Booker T at 21. Pretty shit Spinaroonie before eliminated by GUNTHER (who has been 2v1'd by Sheamus and Drew for a long time, the sores on that man's back), Priest at 22 meant it's a 3 on 1 advantage for JD, 23 is Montez Ford, skins the cat but Chokeslammed out by Priest, wasteful. Edge comes back at 24 so of course JD go one at a time, Priest and Balor eliminated but they come back to save Dom and eliminate Edge, all of these are taking less than a minute. Austin Theory at 25 as Edge fights JD, Rhea attacks so Beth comes out to Spear her. Omos at 26, is Cody 29/30 I wonder? Another GUNTHER standoff but he eats a chokeslam, Braun at 27 to standoff with his old rival and eliminate Omos, 28 is Ricochet to help team up with Braun briefly, GUNTHER eliminated both Drew and Sheamus after Drew attempted to save Sheamus from falling.

Ugh x2, Logan Paul is 29. Still can't change his fucking gear, everyone beats him down, he finally hits a Buckshot without screwing his knee (the lariat was shit), Braun had to save him from falling before Cody returned at 30. It's nice to see him healthy but what's the point of announcing it if he's 30? Eliminates Dom. Logan and Ricochet do a double springboard clothesline to try and highlight reel, Cody eliminates Strowman trying to save Ricochet, Theory eliminates Ricochet. They say final four but I did not see Logan get eliminated, which means he is fucking final four. Cody eliminates Theory after comboing with Rollins, they argue but combine to eliminate GUNTHER, Cody hitting the Pedigree that should've been a storied heel turn. Logan eliminates Rollins, which bites because I feel like Rollins winning could've been the true swerve win, he eats a Cross Rhodes and is eliminated by Cody.

So technically it comes to 1 and 30 (WWE with their first time evers), even though we never truly confirmed that Kofi was eliminated nor did Rey Mysterio get eliminated. The ending was more than textbook after that, GUNTHER using chops and his power but Cody trying to pull babyface fire. Cody cutter only puts GUNTHER on the apron, he uses Shattered Dreams, but then eats a Powerbomb, he hits a Cross Rhodes then eliminates GUNTHER.

*sigh* It of course had to be Cody didn't it? This was an okay Rumble, no love for NXT, no real shock value, no Zayn, no forbidden door, many lasting less than a minute and they keep trying to make Logan Paul a thing. Also technically, since Cody then jumps over the top rope to leave, Rey Mysterio should've won the Rumble just sayin. Big praise for GUNTHER, besting Rey's rumble time record though Rey keeps his record for longest time and winning, but he was sadly never gonna win it, I feel like we're gonna do Rollins/Logan for the mania paycheck which saddens me though, which really means we spent an hour to essentially set up Seth/Logan and more Edge/JD, the rest is all stuff we expected or was already active.

Mountain Dew Pitch Black Match Bray Wyatt def LA Knight (Pinfall via Sister Abigail) Having no expectations for this match could've worked in or out of its favour, it was a kinda 'wait to see how it played out. Bray seems to have borrowed Ronda Rousey's make up artist for the overdone mascara job XD Pitch Black was more Neon Lights match with skeletal neon paint, neon confetti and a neon kendo stick.

It was practically a squash, Knight hit a flying clothesline into the announcer's table and hit Bray with a Kendo stick but that was about it, a practically worthless match whose aesthetic was wrong for the match name. The neon lights do look cool but it doesn't match the theme, we could've used this somewhere else and not slapped Mountain Dew's name on it. Post-match Bray put on a new mask and chased Knight out to the backstage, no-selling Kendo shots and hitting the Mandible Claw, Uncle Howdy showed up and did a flying senton to Knight onto pyrotechnics while four other minions in masks (Firefly Funhouse masks) watched above like muppets.

Wrestlemania trailer after that, no reenacting hollywood scenes though like WM21 so -5 points.

Raw Women's Championship Bianca Belair (c) def. Alexa Bliss (Pinfall via KOD) Michelle McCool (Mrs Undertaker shown in a match with potential Uncle Howdy implications?) was ringside for the only women's championship match of the night. The affair was to and fro, there was barely any pop from Bliss hitting her DDT for 2 though. After attempting the Mandible Claw and Sister Abigail, she was lifted to a KOD and that was it.

Sadly it was tough to get into this match because it felt like such a foregone conclusion, the intrigue wasn't even centered around the women themselves. Post match there was evil Alexa clips with Uncle Howdy and a playground spliced in there.

Elimination Chamber trailer, I wonder what it would be for though? For the women I'd guess it's for the other titleholder but for the men are we splitting the belts? Making it a triple threat? Or using it to the midcard titles?

Women's Royal Rumble Rhea Ripley [1] wins the Women's Royal Rumble (Last Eliminating Liv Morgan [2]) Rhea started also nursing the spear from early, coming up against her former partner Liv Morgan - who wanted to be first, why couldn't we have swapped the numbers? They both got entrances. No. 3 is Dana Brooke, 4 was Emma who got all of the competitors to team on Rhea. No. 5 was Baszler, left high and dry after Ronda backed out, Bayley at 6 narrowly evaded elimination after eating ObLIVion. B-Fab at 7 meant more Top Dolla botch references, first to be eliminated by Rhea not without being busted open. NXT Women's Champion Roxanne Perez reps NXT at 8, Dakota Kai at 9, Iyo Sky at 10 completing Damage CTRL, who eliminated Dana Brooke, Emma and Roxanne. Natalya at 11 went for Baszler, Candice at 12 had no pop. Damage CTRL feigned allying with Shayna to eliminate her and Natalya before Zoey Stark came out for 13. Xia Li came out at 14, dumbly letting go of the staff she carried after the ref stupidly tried to prevent her from bringing it into a no DQ battle royal. Candice eliminated by Iyo's blindside before Becky came out at 15, using similar gear to the one she wore during her first rumble.

Becky brawled with Damage CTRL having not been eliminated but outside the ring, before being thrown into the Announcer's Table. Tegan Nox was next, followed by Asuka with a huge pop, a huge pop erupted for 17, that's not Asuka: that's KANA! Sadly though she eliminated Tegan, now de-Droudropped Piper Niven made a return at 18, Tamina at 19 to stare her down, Becky came back to rage at Damage CTRL before Chelsea returned at 20 (not a surprise, Cole)...and eliminated by Rhea, Becky eliminates Dakota and Iyo, but Bayley eliminated Becky, then Liv eliminated Bayley meaning Damage CTRL contintued to brawl with Becky to backstage. Zelina came in Street Fighter Gear, announcing that she'll be a commentator in the new game, she had a little street fighter moment fighting Xia Li on the apron, kicking Li out, Raquel Rodriguez at 22, Mia Yim at 23 still trying to make Michin a thing, Lacey at 24, McCool at 25 from the crowd landing the Faithbreaker (Styles Clash) and eliminating Tamina, Indi Hartwell at 26 reminding me that Dexter Lumis didn't even show up tonight, Sonya Deville at 27 eliminating Zoey Stark, Lacey used the Cobra Clutch to eliminate Zelina, Shotzi at 28, Sonya eliminates Indi to nothing, Nikki Cross charges into the ring at 29.

A botch for 30 seemed almost poetic since it was Nia Jax's return, her music hit 7 seconds early and barely got a pop. Everyone ganged up on her, Rhea couldn't do the powerslam but hit a Riptide before everyone eliminated her. Raquel eliminated Lacey, KANA on the apron eliminated Sonya, Ripley eliminated McCool, Mia eliminated Shotzi, Piper eliminated Mia, Raquel booted Piper out but was eliminated by Rhea, Liv eliminated Nikki for the final 3. It's worth noting that Liv and Rhea broke their record for Sasha Banks erasure, but all 3 ended up on the apron, Rhea dodged the mist which Liv was hit by, and used a 619 to sweep KANA off, a blinded Liv left Rhea dangling with a Codebreaker but Rhea won with a headscissors.

I think that was better than the men's, another unsurprising winner but the final 3 made it that it wasn't a foregone conclusion, KANA and Liv could've easily won it too, unlike Cody we built to Rhea earning the spot. Still, Nia at 30 was meh and we did shorthand the likes of Tegan and Roxanne plus we buried Chelsea Green's third debut for the company, while also not really developing more on Becky vs Damage CTRL, since KANA didn't really affect the 3v1 situation, but the match felt more tight-knit. We redebuted Piper Niven properly and the right person won.

Undisputed WWE Championship Roman Reigns (c) [w/ Sami Zayn & Paul Heyman] def. Kevin Owens (Pinfall via Spear) We return to yesteryear with two men once again facing each other, only this time there's not a botch with the handcuffs we never really followed up on. With nearly 30 minutes left on the clock when the bell rang and chants of 'Sami Uso' rang in the arena there was the air that things will get down to business.

Kevin Dunn was at it with the wild camera cuts like he's jimmying a combination lock, Cole also making sure to use a quiet voice on calling Reigns' uranage a Rock Bottom. Owens controlled much of the early stages of the match though, including two Frog Splashes one to the floor and one in the ring but only a 2 count, he did kick out of a Superman Punch too, there was an unfortunate botch where he slipped attempting a pop-up Moonsault (he lost his footing on the twist) but they repeated the spot for Reigns to dodge again and Spear him for 2.

After pushing KO away from a Stunner attempt, we had our deflating ref bump so Owens could get the visual pin via Pop-up Powerbomb, Reigns then low blows Owens and tells Zayn to get a chair, Sami's hesitation nearly cost Reigns as he ran into a Stunner for 2, Reigns gets his own 2 by hitting the Superman Punch and the Spear in succession, Owens and Zayn then talk outside, Zayn imploring Owens to stay down as Reigns then spears him through the barricade, then a pretty gnarly steel steps spot twice. Hesitation again from Zayn as he raised his 1, but Owens' last attempt to fight back led to a Spear for 3.

The Bloodline appear post-match, Roman stops Jey from putting the lei on him as the Usos hit a 1-D on Owens and set him up for a Pillmanizing hip attack from Sikoa. Out come handcuffs to set up defenseless Superkicks, as Sami squirms at the abuse. As Reigns prepared a chair shot, Sami gets in the way, begging Reigns to stop and it's beneath him, so Reigns gives Zayn the chair reminding him that they're family. Further hesitation though prompts Reigns to get in Sami's face, so Sami winds up, and hits Reigns in the back instead. Jimmy superkicks Sami as he apologizes to Jey, Jimmy and Sikoa then beat Sami down but Jey refuses, so Reigns rains chair blows over Sami and leave.

It's hard one to call because like the women's title match the result felt like a foregone conclusion, but the main drama revolved around another character. Unlike the women's match though, Sami was in more direct involvement to the match and Owens put up more of a fight. Honestly I feel that the post-match segment went a bit too long, but it was perhaps the best thing on the show, Sami turning on Roman was well executed, even though they followed it up with a beatdown on him. I do worry though, because this feels more like Sami will fight Roman at Elimination Chamber, lose the match due to Jey interference and then him and Owens will win the tag titles, which I maintain is still a downgrade compared to giving Sami a chance at the main event of Wrestlemania, you heard the pop, it was louder than what Cody got, but I do fear that WWE will once again opt for the salesman rather than the storyteller.

Conclusion Overall it was an alright Rumble, the Pitch Black and Women's title match were low spots and the respective rumbles could've been executed better with making it seem like the most predictable option may not in fact win.

But it was fine, the predictable winners aren't bad shouts and we developed on the key storylines, we'll see how it builds to wrestlemania

Congrats again to Rhea Ripley and Cody Rhodes Rey Mysterio.

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