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boop-le-snoot · 3 years

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PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 27

First time reader click here

TWs/Summary: If you read carefully, you knew this; if you didn't: reader was drugged at the party. Hangover from Hell ft. boys being cute, Loki being best friend material and reader fully integrating him into the Gen-Z community via Monster energy drinks and depressive music whilst being sad. I live for Loki/reader friendship tbh.

So folks, this is the last big plot thing before the endgame. I reckon it's about 10-15 chapters left until out happy ending and the next bit is going to focus on developing reader's and Stephen's relationship. There will be smutty parts too - either chapters or interludes, idk, depending on how well they'll integrate into the story.

I love y'all.

Ow, was my first thought upon waking up. My head throbbed something fierce, the pressure behind my eyelids was unbearable and my mouth tasted like a bog on a sunny summer's day. I was warm, from both sides, and one of the bodies felt foreign in everything besides the smell - sandalwood leaked through the lead curtain of alcohol and sex.

Needless to say, I had trouble piecing together the fine details of last night but had enough coherence to remember our... Activities. I was sore and Strange's long arm was still possessively draped over both me and Tony. The luck was on my side as I carefully wiggled out of his grasp, padding to the bedroom on quiet feet. The sorcerer barely moved, only grumbling briefly at the loss of my warmth and immediately quieting, shamelessly snuggling into Tony.

I would have not exaggerated if I said it was the worst hangover of my life. It was baffling, really, because I'd gone way wilder and didn't suffer half as much after effects; my first attempt to brush my teeth ended with my face resting against the toilet bowl, my empty stomach rejecting what little liquid in it was left as the room spun on its axis. That was incredibly embarrassing and I hoped my boys wouldn't wake up to witness my best impression of a bum - and they didn't, both men still sound asleep and interwined like snakes when I put on the shirt closest to me and departed in search of coffee.

My mood only worsened. Steve and Bucky were already up, shoveling an impressive amount of eggs and bacon, as Bucky quietly teased Steve about his own hangover. The blonde man was slightly greenish, disheveled - we traded equally glum looks and nodded to each other in silence. The smell of food made my stomach churn and I retreated, one black coffee in hand, towards Bruce's lab, having been informed by Friday that neither Tony not Stephen planned on waking up.

"Morning, Princess," Bruce smiled kindly, pushing his glasses out of the way to hold me close and give me a sweet kiss. "Had fun? The boys still asleep?"

I giggled at Bruce calling Tony and Stephen boys. "Yeah. I wouldn't be wearing Stephen's shirt if he was up and about, I think." I pointed out the obvious.

Bruce chuckled, holding my face to give me a long, thoughtful look. I stared back, hoping convey my respect and adoration without having to say a word; like Tony, I wasn't particularly apt when it came to talking feelings. Whatever Bruce was looking for, he found it, and sealed it with another kiss, twice as long and twice as sweet. We stood like that, my head on his shoulder and my arms firmly holding him to myself, until the elevator dinged behind the glass wall, revealing a shirtless Stephen and Tony in his pajama pants, both men bickering animatedly.

"Aw shit, here we go again," I rolled my eyes, unhappy about the possibility of the magic being broken. I rather preferred all three men to be like yesterday: friendly, kind and relaxed.

"I will kick them out if I have to," Bruce shrugged, turning me around to face them.

Tony smiled, seeing me, stopping mid-conversation. "Princess, I am disappointed in your lack of manners. You left me with Merlin and he is mean." The engineer unceremoniously snatched me from Bruce and smooched me, hangover breath and all.

"Gross, Tony," I rolled my eyes, giving the man a light shove in the chest. "Morning, Steph," I addressed the third man who had gone back to his usual stoic expression. Just to see his resolve crack, because I loved pushing his buttons, I gave him a good morning kiss too, and was unexpectedly blown away by the eager response from his side. As I pulled back, I noticed his cheeks dusting a light pink.

"I came to get my shirt but I think you'd rather keep it," The sorcerer's fingers caressed my skin beneath the collar of his shirt, voice still low and scratchy from sleep and those magnetic eyes fixated on the exposed flesh of my chest, no trace of previous awkwardness.

"You sure 'bout that?" I pushed one of the sides off, exposing my shoulder, seeing Tony gulp the remainder of my coffee, one hand already messing with the screen that Bruce was focused on. "I think I look better without it," I would never miss an opportunity to tease the uptight man.

"Quite," He grinned, "It's a shame I didn't get to see much last night..." Two could play this game, okay.

"Oh, but you will," Tony piped up suddenly, a hint of smugness in his voice barely covered by Bruce's fond chuckle. I really didn't know what to say, suddenly overwhelmed with the attention, my emotions amplified by the hangover - party drugs tended to exaggerate my anxiety on the comedown.

And what a comedown it was. My social energy ran out very quickly so I complained about a nasty headache and retreated into my room, Bruce's gentle hands pressing a bottle of Ibuprofen into my own. Despite my attempts to tame my rioting body, it got worse before it got better and shortly before lunch, I had thrown up twice more. Pissed off, I ran a bath with cold water and sat in it until I felt somewhat human to prepare myself for a journey to Wanda's apartment - as a last resort, I was going to chug on of Pietro's Monster energy drinks that I knew he kept hidden there.

The retrieval was a success. Cans securely hidden in the kangaroo pocket of Tony's oversized hoodie I had thrown on, I had to make a haste detour to throw up once again - the closest bathroom was in Loki's apartment and I only managed to knock twice before throwing open the door and making a mad dash for the porcelain throne, a very confused Asgardian following my movements with raised eyebrows.

"Hangover from Hell," I croaked once the first wave subsided. Loki nodded in understanding, waved a hand to summon me a water bottle and shut the door behind himself.

As I sat there, desperately trying to understand why was I feeling like utter shit... It clicked. Bile rose to my throat once again, and I just dry heaving, mulling my revelation over and over again.

I didn't take any drugs. I had been drugged. My memories became hazy and dream-like shortly after someone had given me the drink... Someone, who? It was a split-second moment; Sam, even in his drunk state, didn't keep his eyes off me for too long. Maybe it had been someone the team knew? Possibilities began playing out in my head. Cursed was my overactive brain - the anxiety from the leftover drugs was making me panic.

"Fuck, FUCK," My hands shook - I only noticed it because I had spilled water on myself, adding cold and wet to the unpleasant sensations I was already experiencing. "Why am I such a fucking fuck-up." Taking a drink from a stranger seemed downright idiotic now. Middle school bullshit.

"Are you alright?" Loki's worried voice interrupted my inner monologue.

"Yes," I replied, voice cracking. "No. I don't fucking know."

The door all but flew open, the Asgardian taking several long strides to take a good long look at me. The frown on his face tells me all I needed to know about my physical and mental state.

A slender hand tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear. "What happened?"

I laughed tersely, feeling tears to begin welling in the corners of my eyes. "I'm an idiot," Seeing his face get annoyed briefly, I conceded: "I got drugged yesterday. My drink."

The hand that he had slid between my shoulder blades froze. I felt his whole body go rigid and his nostrils flare, the smell of ozone and something foreign - magic - filling the small space. The air around us became charged with the power of his anger. "Pardon?" His voice was dangerously quiet.

I physically fought with the need to flinch away from him, settling for lowering my eyes and staring at the dark stain on my hoodie. "I got carried away dancing. Someone handed me a drink and my stupid ass just shotgunned it," I confessed, picking at the wet spot. "And I can't tell anybody because I had a threesome with Stephen and Tony," I suddenly realised, my voice raising in pitch. "They're gonna think I didn't want it and feel bad. You know how Tony blames himself for everything under the sun..." Another wave of dizziness and nausea hit me as I leaned against the wall closest to me.

"Alright," Loki conceded after a brief pause. "We absolutely are telling the others. I'll make sure they understand," The Asgardian stated firmly in a tone that bore no argument. Seeing me lift my head to protest, he interrupted me before I could say anything: "Did you... Did you want it?" He asked me, hooking a single finger under my chin to look me in the eye.

I nodded, feeling my face heat up.

"You're not lying. The team knows of my ability to detect lies. Nobody will blame anyone..." Loki trailed off, obviously already plotting something. I wished it were a prank both of us were conspiring on instead of... Trying to make sense of this cluster fuck of a shit show. The circus called, they seemed to have left their clowns behind. "Although I will have a word with Sam." The Asgardian muttered darkly.

"No, it's not his fault. I just got too relaxed, I need to pucker up and be responsible for myself," I protested, damn well knowing it wasn't the Bird's fault. Everyone was drunk and I should've known better.

"It's not yours either," Loki sneered, seeing right through my self-loathing. It took a deep, slow sigh for him to calm down. His expression softened and the hand that was on my back resumed the gentle stroking as he scooted closer to me to press my side against his chest. "Vile people of this kind aren't exclusive to Midgard. It could have happened to anyone."

I nodded, my logical part briefly taking over as the waves of nausea and dizziness waned. I stifled a giggle, coming to another sudden revelation. "You holding up my hair as I barf out my hangover? That makes you qualified for the position of my Best Friend," I stated with a snort.

Loki chuckled, relaxing bit by bit. "I accept the position," His voice was unusually soft and a little bit shaky; I chose to tactfully ignore it. "Shall I call for assembly in the war room?"

I sighed, the dread and anxiety creeping it's way back in. "Can we just... Wait a bit? I have something- hold on-" I rummaged around my pocket, taking out two cans of Monster. Loki eyed them curiously and I extended one to him. "It probably won't do much for you but for me it's a last-resort hangover cure." I popped open the metal cap, seeing him do the same. "Be warned though, it tastes kinda funky if you're not used to it," I announced the disclaimer but it simply egged Loki on.

The scrunched up face he made was pretty funny. "It's sour but sickeningly sweet at the same time? I can't tell," He briefly eyed the written ingredients on the can.

"There are a bunch of flavors. Pietro likes the plain one, I like the purple one better, it's not so tongue-burning." I paused to inhale loudly. "If this is what college life looks like, I don't want to go," Mustering up my courage and gathering my balls in a knot, with one broad motion I closed my nose and poured the carbonated acid down my throat until my eyes watered. "Gimme a minute," I hiccuped, trying to keep it down.

Wide-eyed, Loki took a chaste sip of his own drink, eyeing me warily. He looked part impressed part disgusted with the little stunt. "I am pretty certain that is counter-productive."

"Caffeine make brain and body go skrrt," I argued back. "Friday, play my "grant me the sweet release of death" playlist. I'm upset," I announced and the AI obliged silently, the first notes of Placebo's 'Exit Wounds' beginning to play. If I was going to mop in a stranger's bathroom, I was going to do it with style. Even if said style was just simply stealing in my own misery with emo background music.

Loki stared at me, I stared back, both of us lost in our respective minds. At one point, he began swaying to the music slightly, resting the cool tin of the can against his cheek; I followed suit, mouthing along to some of the lyrics. It took us about a dozen songs to finally finish the liquid acid that was Monster energy drink and my ass felt like the bathroom tile itself: flat and hard.

"Do you ever feel like the universe just hates you for no fucking reason?" I groused, taking Loki's outstretched hand and slowly feeling the blood rush back to my legs.

"You wouldn't believe," He rolled his eyes in solidarity, vanishing away the empty containers. "Norns, give me a Hel-damned break."

I laced his arm through mine as we exited his apartment, feeling considerably less upset than I was before. I couldn't protect myself, but one look at Loki's sullen, irritated expression was bound to scare off anyone who dared to interrupt our mission.

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub @mostly-marvel-musings @vozit @littlegasps @pilloclock @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads @hermione-grangers-wife @individualistfem @sleep-i-ness @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway @softie-socks @schemefrenzy @letsby @cutenessloading @romeo-the-cactus @jelly-fishy-babie @mikariell95

#party favours #bun writes #tony stark x y/n #bruce banner x reader #stephen strange x y/n #tony stark x you #tony stark x reader #bruce banner x you #bruce banner x y/n #stephen strange x you #stephen strange x reader

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hateswifi · 4 years

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No More Second Chances: Chapter Six

I honestly have no idea what this chapter is, in my opinion it’s kinda cracky, but yeah leave what ya think, also ask to be tagged and stuff. Btw u proud of me twice in the same month, it’s a miracle. Also it’s a bit on the shorter side.

The Master: Master List

No More Second Chances: Master List

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As soon as she left, Damian left and holed himself up in his room. He spent hours doing research on his cru-- friend’s new sister. He realized she fought hard even sometimes when her partner, who he figured out was a blonde model named Adrien Agreste, who may or may not be her boyfriend, decided he didn’t like Adrien, he left her to fight alone too much. She had won some of Gabriel’s competitions before he was sentenced to life in jail for obvious reasons, she was offered an internship with Audrey Bourgeois but had given it up in hopes of finishing high school, she worked as Jagged Stone’s personal designer, probably one of the reasons why Drake recognized her.

He sighed and tried to go to sleep, but his thoughts were just filled with her. He wakes up in a daze, still his thoughts were filled with her. He gets dressed and almost falls down the stairs. He stumbles into the kitchen and grabs a cup of coffee.

“Demon, you good? You hate coffee,” Jason says, opening the fridge.

“Fine, I just didn’t sleep well,” he grumbles into his mug.

“Were you thinking of the magic girl?” Dick asks, entering the kitchen.

“Why would I be thinking about Marinette?”

“Oh? She’s Marinette instead of Dupain-Cheng?” Jason snickers.

“She’s not Dupain-Cheng because she decided she is going by Wang after her parents disowned her,” Damian says, grabbing food.

“Speaking of her being disowned, does she have people lining up to be her parents, or is it like free real estate?” Bruce asks, pouring himself some coffee.

“Bruce, you realize she’s a person, right?”

“Sorry, I know, but I stayed up a majority of the night trying to figure out how to get her in our family,” Bruce yawns.

“The easiest way is Damian to marry her, but that may be as hard as adopting her,” Tim yawns, taking the pot of coffee from Bruce.

“That’s funny and impossible,” Jason laughs.

“What’s so funny about the notion of me dating her?” Damian asks, almost looking offended.

“Do you like her?” Dick asks, looking up from what he was doing, the silence was enough for an answer. “Oh my god! You do like her!”

“I do not,” Damian denies before leaving the kitchen.

He’s silent as he is driven to school by Alfred. As the car pulls up to school he sees his friend and the girl he may or may not have feelings for, he hasn’t figured it out yet. He gets out of the car and greets the two raven-haired siblings.

“Father stayed up all night trying to figure out how to adopt you and Dick is convinced you’re a magic girl,” Damian says.

“I’m technically a magic girl, and your father has to get in line, there’s Adrien’s aunt, then,” Marinette starts, and Jon cuts in. “My parents are also trying to adopt her.”

“Well Jon, we don’t want a repeat of last time out parents fought, do we?” Damian asks, raising an eyebrow.

“That was before you or eye were here, and also that was for a stupid reason, this would be for a great reason,” Jon shrugs.

“No matter who adopts, if anyone does, I’ll get siblings, but I’m not some doll to be fought over, just remember that,” Marinette says over her shoulder as she leaves the boys to bicker, or whatever an argument including Damian is called. She sighs and grabs her things from her locker, she was exhausted after she left the Manor last night. She ate dinner, did the little homework she had to do, and went to bed, totally didn’t pass out from exhaustion, hahaha.

When she had woken up that morning, she was met with many notifications mostly from her ex-classmates and Adrien asking how she was doing and stuff. She blocks the unwanted messages, including those from her parents, and chooses to just answer, Adrien and Aunt Amelia’s, she was asking how she was doing and how open she is to adoption, there was even one from Felix! He was checking up on her and made sure she got a reasonable amount of sleep.

She’s brought back to school by Damian clearing his throat behind her. “So magic girls get tired then?”

“Could you not talk so loud? Just because it’s in European news doesn’t mean people know who I am, also yes we do get tired, we are humans, also I am not tired just a bit distracted,” Marinette sighs, closing her locker.

“I’m not one to be tired or distracted so no, I don’t know. Back to you being a magic girl, as Dick called you, the League will most likely contact you about your situation.”

“It doesn’t matter what they do, they laughed in our faces and practically called Chat Noir and I a joke, well no so much they, more like Green Lantern, that’s not the point they didn’t help us, so why would I try to be on their good side, my team was left to struggle against a mental villain that takes advantage of any negative emotion,” Marinette says, walking to first period.

“You’re being dramatic, except for the terrorist that attacks mental and emotional health more than physical.”

“Maybe I am, maybe I’m not, they will never know the extension of the damage that they left Paris in, now can we drop it? I just want a nap before first period”

“We can drop it, also this proves you can be tired.”

“I already told you we’re humans and can be tired, in fact Adrien lived on coffee for a majority of out schooling while still in Paris.”

“Your caffeine addiction may be bad, but its nothing compared to Tim’s, by the way, can you come back over today to work on the project? We didn’t finish enough for me to be satisfied yesterday,” Damian asks, sliding into his seat.

“Yeah sure, whatever floats your boat, Dami,” Marinette sighs, putting her head on her desk. She swears that the whole class was silent, so she looked up. Everyone was looking at her in some stage of shock, she looks over at Damian, his face is red. She shrugs and puts her head on the desk trying to get a power nap before class.

Little did she know during her little preschool nap news would spread all over the school about the Ice prince turned blushing boy, Damian, and the epitome of innocence Marinette and their supposed “relationship”. She just wanted to sleep and all the talk was stopping her. Heck, what does a magic girl have to do to get some sleep in America?

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Tag List:

@sturchling @maribat-is-lifeblood @sonif50 @thestressmademedoit @myazael @mochinek0 @messymessyml @amayakans @weird-pale-blonde-person @animalgirl05 @justafanwarrior @kalianoble @mewwitch @elmokingkong @noirdots @itsmeevie01 @colorfulmongerpsychicranch @tis-i-beanbandit @thetinymoonflower @whats-she-gonna-post-next @alwaysnumberonetruth @hauntedwintersweets @not-annoying @wargraymon0709 @tired-butterfly @heldtogetherbysafetypins @toodaloo-kangaroo @feliciakainzofspades @lozzybowe @imnotfluffy @moonlightstar64 @angelofmusickaterinapetrova @pirats-pizzacanninibles @sassakitty @gwennex @whats-she-gonna-post-next @dawnwave16 @ccwkm6967 @softlysobbingpostendgame @pale-lady-dreamer @a-star-with-human-name

Tag List extended:

@sociallyanxious-1

#maribat #marinette dupain cheng #batfam #damian x marinette #marinette x damian #ml salt fic #damian wayne #ml x dc #damimari #adoption war #crack magic girl #blushy boi #marinette just wants sleep

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rainbowsandcoconut · 4 years

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Just Saw you like getting questions, so here goes. A followup on the travel favorites. You mentioned it was difficult to narrow down. Would a top ten be easier? I always look for new inspiration LOTR being your first fandom but have you ever been into something no one else understood? 😊

HIIII! 💕 This totally made my night. I am honestly so surprised anyone would care enough to send me an ask, this is so sweet 🥰 Anyone wanting to talk or ask anything should absolutely feel free, I’d love it!

I’m gonna start with the last question since the travel one will definitely be longer 😊

I’ve been into a lot of things no one in real life understood haha. Like Supernatural back during seasons 1-3 ish when I was obsessed and my friends would get tired of me talking about it all the time (thank god for LiveJournal), or cycling (road and track) that I got super into watching one summer and ended up going all over the country to see races and do some photography for, for a few years.

Now traveling. Oh man, you’re really making me miss the days where travel was allowed and where I could afford it lol. Thanks for this question though, it’s really put me in a good mood to remember some of my trips, I hope these don’t disappoint. In case anyone hasn’t seen 3 of my fave travel memories, they’re over here. And now I’m going to spam you all with 10 more of my fave memories from trips. I had to try to go with ones I could find my pics from and I mostly managed, apart from Norway, so here we go:

1. Flying an airplane in Wanaka, New Zealand 🛩

I got to actually fly a plane! It only fit 2 people (and a cat) and I feel like I was allowed to do waaay too much, likely because it was my instructor’s first time taking someone inexperienced up so he let me do most of take off and also fly most of the trip, and then he even offered to talk me through landing it but I’m not insane so he ended up doing that part on his own. It was super freaking cool, and the view was absolutely breathtaking.

2. Seeing the Northern Lights, Tromsø, Norway

My best friend did her master’s in Tromsø so I went to visit her for a week in November 2018. I was a bit worried it was too early in the season to see the Northern Lights but one night the whole sky was full of dancing green light! We went up the top of a mountain and stayed there until we couldn’t stand the cold any longer, and it was just an incredible night. I didn’t manage to get any good photos with my phone so I just stole this off Google but it’s pretty accurate

3. Meeting Rachel Bloom in NYC last year

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is one of my favourite shows, and it’s really meant a lot to me. Yes, it’s a comedy with musical numbers but it also portrays struggles with mental health more realistically than any other show I’ve seen and that’s something I’ve really both needed and appreciated. Rachel is a comedic genius, and her show has helped me through a few tough times, so being able to not only see CXG live at Radio City Music Hall but also get to talk to Rachel after the show made it an incredible night.

4. Watching the sun rise over Angkor Wat, Cambodia

The history of the Angkor temples is so fascinating, and I managed to get myself up early enough to see the sun rise over Angkor Wat several times. For anyone who may want to go, my advice would be to not elbow your way to the front of the lake, but stand a bit further back while the majority of the tourists scramble to get a good spot. About 90% of them will disappear into the temple once the sun has offically risen and it’s gotten light out, but you want to stay by the lake. The sun takes longer than you think to actually rise above the temple, and by the time it gets there, most people will have left and the area will be much quieter and more peaceful and will give you a chance to really take in the sunrise. Each time I kept thinking maybe the sun wasn’t super bright or the clouds would cover it some because it seemingly took so long, but staying is absolutely worth it.

5. Early morning Alms Giving in Luang Prabang, Laos

This almost felt like a moment I wasn’t supposed to see but the owner of the guest house I was staying at assured me I was fine to watch. I wasn’t staying in the center of the city, and I was the only tourist out to watch the long procession in this neighbourhood which made the experience feel extra special and authentic as opposed to how crowded I’ve heard it can sometimes be in the city center.

6. Going to Lawrence, Kansas in 2009

Seeing as I mentioned being very into SPN above, I’ll include my trip to Lawrence, Kansas on this list. I went solely because my friend and I thought it’d be funny to do so because of its connection to Supernatural. We got invited to lunch by the owner of a souvenir shop who was delighted to hear I was from Denmark because her husband had a friend whose dad had once been. We stayed in Kansas City, and I got lost on my way back from the post office one day. An older lady in a car stopped by the streetlight I was at and offered me a ride back to my hotel which I gratefully accepted, only I started to rethink that decision once I realized that the footwell of her car was so full of bibles, I had to step on them, and the passenger door could not be opened from the inside. Obviously I realized this after I was in the car but while I was somewhat freaked out, I still agreed with her that us going past the McDonalds Drive Thru before my hotel was a good idea so her and I could get to know each other a bit... I was way too trusting back then but hey, I didn’t die so yay?

7. Driving a moped for the first time on Phu Quoc, Vietnam

I don’t have a license for any kind of vehicle and I have never driven any either (apart from a car twice on completely deserted, straight roads) but the owners of the hostel I was staying at insisted it was the best way to get around the island. Once of them tried to show me how it worked on her own moped, then let me try for a couple of minutes and then declared that she’d rent me one for the next day even though she was too afraid to sit on the back while I was practising because my accelerating and breaking were super abrupt. So the next day off I went. I drove into a tree and a sign in the street, got a lot of concerned looks, and I probably broke any and all traffic laws but I had such a fun time and I got to see some incredibly beautiful beaches that I don’t know how I could’ve gotten to without the moped. Important note for anyone doing this: remember sun cream! I sadly don’t have any photos of the moped, but I did take this photo of one of the beaches I visited:

8. Going to Obama’s first inauguration in January 2009 in Washington DC

I’ve always been into American politics and that interest peaked around 2008, so just in time to watch Obama get elected, and I knew I had to try to go to DC when I started planning my first ever US trip for 2009. I didn’t manage to get onto The Mall as I only made my way downtown around 6 am but I got a spot on Pennsylvania Avenue for the parade. I have never been so cold in my entire life but I’ve also never experienced the kind of euphoria and excitement from a crowd that I did that day. There truly was a feeling of hope for a real change, and I talked to the absolutely friendliest, kindest people while we waited. Plus I got to see Barack and Michelle Obama wave at me (in my direction anyway) as they were walking down Penn Ave which I’ll forever remember.

9. Going to Kangaroo Island, Australia

I love kangaroos. So much. I will never get over how cool they are. And I got to bottle feed joeys (baby kangaroos) on this island, as well as pet a bunch of tame adult ones, and see sooo many wild ones. Plus I got to see lots of koalas and other wildlife, as well as the beauty of the island. My friend did technically hit a kangaroo (or wallaby) when we were driving after dark but she’s Australian and didn’t take it quite as hard as I did.

10. Seeing the Colosseum in Rome, Italy

I’ve just always loved this building. And seeing it in real life did not disappoint.

#about me #travel

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indomitablemegnolia · 4 years

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I have been dragging this coffin around, like Django, for a while now, and for some reason American politics has to just keep poking at a seeping infected wound; as a psychologist I know that the best way to deal with certain emotions and PTSD is to talk it out, if you can talk past the ragged breaths. Now I am not much of a talker but I do write; I was thinking that maybe letting this out into the world might help someone or perhaps not fatally wound them by reading. I just know I have been keeping all of this way too close for way too long. I am going to try to do this so those who don’t want to know can avoid. I do add a bit of fantasy into it as my own default coping mechanism; so it is not just a barrage of horror. There are triggers... physical pain, blood, rape, and political triggers...this is me screaming into the void. If anyone reads this, I would hope that I could inspire a kind word.

Good god, what fresh hell is this? I swear that sometimes I have to just kick this evil darkness, beat it back, strike out with every weapon I have until it bleeds sunlight; oh, and when that first drop of sun falls I have to keep fighting until I am bathed in that healing glow, smearing it over my face, rubbing it in to my soul; reveling in the warmth of the end of a battle well fought and valiantly one worth the effort. This is always a rough two weeks for me every year for well 19 years now… the tenth falls and it seems some note really minor catastrophe befalls me; there has not been a skip year, a stand out or a delayed year; I will not whine about the past, but for the past three years it has been a political horror show on top of the menial financial, health, or personal failing; I focus on the possible and look up, which usually lands me down a manhole but I can’t change my stripes. In these last three years the shit-show of a congress (and congress is both houses equally guilty) put on these shows of caring and disdain, evil in its fake almost after thought of un-electability. Kavanaugh sent me into a bottomless tailspin; something about a Judge rapist being put on the highest court in the land on the anniversary of my own…attack; not that I think it sits any better in the pit of my stomach any other time of the year, but now… again… and I just can’t breathe, they had made my life all of the things I still struggle to live through… a joke, a pawn, something to leverage each other with… I am sick; politics making life, again, not worth living; nothing mattered, the truth did not matter, their ignorance, their lies did not matter. I find myself feeling rather Wilde; I was left feeling, broken, forgotten, as if I do not belong anywhere; there was nothing to lose myself in and no escape even if there were.

This country, this world, has become such a small, terrible place; I cheat, and I excuse myself, as I escape only by avoiding reality, I love the world that I create; but once there was a moment, out of time, such a terribly long time ago that I bring the memory to life often; for a time I had sunshine, and flowers, mud under my nails and rich coffee and I apologized to no one for who and how and what I am; I live with no thought regularly to why I should not be here and who I should be; yes, I do know that eventually I will die here, being banished to that other world where indeed I know because of the impermanence of life it will be as if I never did exist; every broken molecule of me will parish, every inch, every thought, but one. That molecule, that inch, that thought, its small, its infinitesimal, its worthless if you asked most, but in this world of whit and worry it is the only thing worth having; it is worth all the worlds in all the universes. I cannot lose it; I can not barter it or sell it and above it all it should never be given away. This world must get better, it must stop getting lost in all the things that are not real, such as money, race, all the false differences we draw between us; there is only one true thing about this world, there is no escape, so make your difference here and now. I must tell you, now that you see me, you know part of my life, my story and because of that I hope you understand that I Love you. I love you, despite never knowing your story, we may never meet, never laugh or cry together and I will never kiss or hug you, but I love you as dearly as my universe, as closely as a flesh and blood friend.

I love you.

It has been so many years, I hardly talk about it, but I warn you now this gets a bit graphic, but it is my story; this story is not being told for anyone else's campaign; it is not a #metoo. This is me taking a psychological victory, screaming my pain into this void like echo chamber; I know no one may hear me, and that is fine. This is one of Dante's hells I live in, wrapped deliciously in my favourite personal coping mechanism a piece of detached fiction that reads like a conversation between my super ego and my Id....

I sought freedom, the only freedom to be had in this world, music loud, the delicious truth of life’s simplicity; music is a true elixir, ideally it should be listened to at 60-80 decibels and 70 mph; everything can be made right if you just put the music on and the top down, drive 85 mph on a country road, as if you are trying to out run time itself. The sun low in the western sky; fat fluffy gray clouds float lazily over a layer of black, brooding, formidable clouds rolling in like the undaunting wall of night, mocking the artificial azure sky that lays at the last eighth of the sky, about to be swallowed up. Music playing too loud, I sang atonally along; the cool breeze of autumn playfully ruffled my hair as if I resided in a third visible universe in one place unattached to the storm or the artificial sunny day. The little silver dream I drove was cutting through the country side; coming up on a slower moving rusted out pick-up truck I worked the gearshift, not laying off the gas, dropping to fourth to pass, galloping ahead hard and fast, leaving the truck behind.

Suddenly, for the first time in ages the world almost made sense, err, I suppose it is awkward saying that because the sense it made was tenuous and momentary at best. Escape possible only by way of ignoring the horrors; after a week like the last, a little sensical nonsense was called for. I had to get away, I had to distance myself from the news and the bluster, the horrible reality; the reminders that weighed my heart, slammed my soul, obliterated my psyche; in my home, my home, the country I love, whose founding documents read of words like truth and justice; a vicious criminal is appointed to the highest court in the land; a man accused of raping three women; a charge that not so long ago would have precluded his admission; but that was then and this is now, basically more of a wild west, kangaroo, dumb-fuckery idea of conscience; we are now a people who allow the separation of children from parents, to be kept in cages. Now, because of this stupidity, people treating justice like a partisan football; horrible happenings from my past are brought front and center of my subconscious every night as I sleep. Yes, I have read books and listened to tapes as to how to guide dreams, none have prevailed.

Letting my mind wander, it was dangerous; and yes, it circled back to last night’s bout with Fate, Christ, she hit me hard and fast; for a figment of my imagination she really left me bruised, broken, bloody; I can still taste the sickly copper iron flavor of blood in my mouth, my soul limping. First. she took me on a trek into the past; tiny, horrible, years ago; Jesus, I realize, if this nightmare I carry heavy in my mind were a child it would be graduating high school; oh god, the thought, the kind that should never be thought; after, I was sentenced to a more vile prison, to a sentence more than double theirs, I see no possibility of parole from this place. I feel as if I were slowly being eaten alive; Fate, she held my face to the fire, she made me watch and relive it, over and over and over again.

I despise the fact something as delicious as this breeze can trigger panic, terror, horror; this feeling was, twice upon a time, in the valley of faded fears, my favourite season, now it sits heavy on me, like a box of babies tears. Though now, it is that recurring nightmare, I try to break free, but as he said in The Godfather ‘every time I think I am out, it drags me back in.’ I feel so pathetic, seriously, I earned my PhD in psychology, trying to outfit myself with all the tools; I should have been able to drown this demon long ago, but alas, I find the zombie bastard can swim; argh, and yes, I know that isn’t possible, no one can fight off all the memories, it's impossible to erase events, for anyone, most especially me.

Out of the blue it seems, a wonderful friend, a friend one which I didn’t know I still had; sadly I assume that I am always left behind, but she sent me in a tailspin of introspection; she asked me simply, 'are you okay?' A real flesh and blood human asked me, she noticed, she pointed out that I am not acting like myself; I have been tearing myself down, doubting the simplest things, I have even, in an odd way, seeking her approval; asking permission to hang my own pieces on my wall, my usual 'it's easier to ask forgiveness, than seek permission', attitude gone.

Gods, she is right, I know she is right; I am acting weird, different, calling myself stupid, pathetic, worthless; at first it started just stupid, small, subtle... most people bought that I was fine, they never saw it... I think. Anyways, they never called me on it. This friend, this good friend called me on it; I wrote a piece out of my usual character, at first, I loved it; then the next day in a mercurial hissy fit, I ripped into it, then in another flip I apologized for it, I am acting like a kid caught lying, obvious, blatant, guilty. This friend, ah, this beautiful friend called me on all my shit; like that guilty child, my psyche tried to hide it, then I stopped, I looked, really, I am. Then this introspection brought me to the realization that at times, not always, very rarely, I get weird, almost puritanical about sex. Usually I have a very laissez faire attitude; bi, straight, whatever flavour of the lgbtq or any other spectrum, if you get off on it, if you like it, then it's beautiful; there are people I love on all levels of depravity. It may even seem to them that I am a touch prudish because I do not partake, that is fine. Because this friend, this wonderful friend, shined a light, I could again see the bruises fate had left.

Fate had asked me, "so, if it is all good, what gets you off?" With that I was lost, nothing; everything; how was I to know? Of known experiences I have rape (not awesome) and a failed relationship (asshole never understood a thing I said, then tried to recreate experience #1); yup, two times lose on those. I know what I need, no desire, no require; with all the horrible mediocrity in this world that we seem to accept as fair sacrifice, I will not let love be among those. I want epic love, mad, passionate, crazy, undying, span the universes kind of love; anything less will be a poor substitute, meaning I can not, I will not let her take that from me; this is just one of those turns where nothing goes well. She shook me, and god, I had let Fate affect me.

The moment she reared her ugly head was pain. I was lost in a soft dream of sweet remembered soft kisses. Suddenly, a hit to my face, my eye starting to swell; a doubled fist to the gut, air rushed out in a horrible half scream. A hand wrapped in my hair slamming my head into a stony ground, again, that horrible haunting memory. Her voice chilling in a predatory growl, she wanted blood. She taunted me, "I KNOW what you wrote, hmmm, I know what you enjoyed, I told you; you can admit it, just to me, no one else is listening;" She ground her hips into mine from behind, "I know that you liked it, you loved it; I wonder, did you reach orgasm? Was it earth shattering? Did you moan like a whore?" Fate, that horrible bitch, licked up from my jaw to my temple, I stopped the urge to vomit, I felt my hate multiply, but in seconds I felt a turn inward, "You know that the hecklers are still right;" she raked her pelvis suggestively against me, three more thrusts.

"No, but it seems to get you off, dry humping me; hmm is the bitch in heat? So ya like my ass? I have been working out." She slammed my face down into the stone.

I let a painful groan escape, "You like the rough trade."

"Oh yeah," I ground out lifting my head turning to face her, "about as much as I like you."

She laughed cruelly, standing slamming her foot into my kidney. “Look at you, still so pathetic, still that laughing clown punching bag, you are always such fun; there is a lot to be said about consistency," slamming her boot into my jaw. "If it was not the roughness, the pain, was it the team effort? Now, remind me how many was it that you liked? Four or five? How many holes were the putting it into?" She ground her heel onto my palm, I try to stop the noise, a near scream, "how many holes?"

I smiled showing my blood outlined teeth, "This many." I held aloft a single middle finger.

Fate came to torture my soul time and again, with unlimited creativity; it has happened more than a few times in recent days; using more taunts, planting more doubts, inflicting more pain; cracking open my soul leaving it weeping and bereft. The more it happened the more I began to believe that she was right; yes, maybe I really enjoyed it; then I didn’t take the moment needed to breathe before I reacted this time out of emotion, gut check. She was right, they were all right; it was all I deserved; I asked for it, I had enjoyed it. Though that moment of introspection given to me by a gorgeous friend, gave me time to recognize this is actually an extreme rendition, interrogation tactic, the kind used in interviews at Gitmo; some good interrogators can even implant false memories, causing false confessions.

I woke from the nightmare; I gathered my own thoughts. I had to run; I had to hide. I hated; I hated the world and all the people in it, I hated myself and most of all I hated all this wasted time. If I had known Life before would I blame him, hate him… yes, right now, in fact I do.

I drove faster, not even slowing at bends in the road; why was I running? What good could it do? I know can not escape when the horror is inside my own skull. The green leaves starting to turn gold, some starting to age red at the edges. I whisked through the countryside, far too fast; it was liberating. God, this is my favourite season; there is something so sultry and libidinous about fall; I let go of the wheel, raising my arms joyous in the air. The feeling, the smell, the look, it seems to get my heart racing and my mind reeling; in pure celebration of the seasons change, the bite to the wind and the trill of cinnamon to the air, senses that are so much Life, oh me, oh my, oh my favorite things. Dark chocolate, eaten slowly, savored and enjoyed; passionate literature read in a hot bath tub that requires an entry like bugs bunny getting into the boiling cauldron; music, so many lovely perfect kinds of music, hard hitting, rampaging, soothing and truly sensual all appreciated savored and enjoyed… Please, Life... I need you. Why don't you come? I call to you, I miss you.

Before even fate showed the aphasia really affected my self-confidence; I no longer had my words, I constantly sounded either stupid or drunk or both, that had shaken me to my core; with both of those, it changed my own reactions. Then America, my home, is not helping, the president mocking a rape survivor, his little toadies backing him up. It just tore a hole in my psyche, in my soul, letting all these demons back. This is not me really... but what is me?

For me, after the attack, the police, they never doubted; the bruised and bloody the evidence abounded, they had no trouble even finding the culprits, but the faculty, the students... not so kind... I heard the whispers, they never looked at me, not the real me, I was just a disregarded scrap.

My lips hurt, they were cracked in two places, my ribs were bruised, all making me wonder if Fate was more than just my horrible subconscious. More than the conscience that makes a coward of me; makes me want to run for the shelter of a strong set of arms. My foot slacks off the gas pedal; I was losing my will to run, I realized that I was not able to run from this kind of mountain.

"Why can't you hear me?!” I yelled at the building clouds so hard my throat ached; they were heavy with rain. I saw the edges of refracted rainbows as they slid slowly in front of the sun.

Soft, so close to my ear, I felt the breath of Life. "But I did."

I swerved, nearly off the road, I screamed, slamming in the clutch not touching the brake, cutting the wheel sharply, putting the car into a full 360 spin, it almost came to a rest. "Jiminy Cripcity Roosevelt Christmas, man. You could have just killed me." I collected my galloping heart, letting the clutch out in 3rd gear screeching off the tires. He laughed, his words sunk in slowly, I understood his words and they angered me, I slid the gearshift into 4th, without the clutch; "Yeah, right, you heard me, sure. So, what you are saying that as usual when the world begins using me for a toilet brush, I am on my own; lemme guess, all for character building I am sure. Just go, I do not need you anymore. Just get out." I leaned into the gas, not caring the speed, anger making my eyes begin to run.

"What the hell was that?" He reached his hand over, gripping mine, "wound a little tight their honey; let’s get you relaxed” he started rubbing the inside of my wrist, my breathing slowed. "I wish, with every ounce of power I have, I wish I could have come when I heard your cries, they caused an ache in me so cutting so horrible, I cried. I don't know how I heard you or how I am here now."

"Yeah, yeah, sure." I jeered my hand waving him away. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, his expression was so hurt, “God, I shouldn't have mocked... I’m just angry, but not at you,” I took a long breath, “I am sorry" I whispered, easing off the gas.

"Then just stop, pull off the road, talk to me."

I sighed seeking that cognitive reset. "Okay." There was a wooded turn out just ahead. I pulled the car over, stalling out, killing the engine. I rolled my eyes internally; it has been ages since I stalled out. I swiped the little tears away. "So, what? What is it that you want?" My jaw set. "What?"

He sighed, seeing this was going to be an uphill battle; he reached for my hand bringing the palm to his lips; instantly my jaw slacked, and air rushed from my lips, "I missed you." He kissed the tender pad of my palm. "I know you have been in pain. Tell me what caused it; tell me haunts you." His fingers still softly drawing hypnotic circles on my wrist.

"Ah, pain, but where to start? We could do a chronological study into the beginning of pain; it might take a while." I try to sound unbothered.

"Where this pain, your pain, the one that has had you screaming, where that pain started." His face so beautifully earnest, and there is an importance to being earnest. “Please…” he breathed

"Words, it always begins with words, then those sticks and stones; they come hard."

He let one hitched chuckle out, "Wow, what a cop out." He dared.

I breathed again, then let it out slow, "Dammit really?” he nodded, “shit, with this whole 'legitimizing rape' floating around, taking even the one recourse for a victim of said crime has if it takes an unlucky turn. They have the audacity to mock and berate a survivor of a crime, I have seen them, mock hurricane victims, the disabled, they come just shy of saying that they want all of us defectives to die they put a rapist on the high court, now this monstrosity that will end my only piece of mind. My…" he held up his hand.

Clicking of his tongue stopped me. "No, not what I asked for Joan of arc, I was asking for the story, for this pain I see in your eyes, not a history of the worlds ills. I want your story."

"Eg, yeah, but that’s not important, it's really not even worth telling."

"Just stop; stop with the bullshit, stop deflecting; I want to hear your story, please, just tell me the goddamned story.” He gritted his teeth, “sorry, but I hate when you make light of yourself; you are making fun of my favourite person in the world, I am sorry just, please, just tell me."

"Cheese and crackers man, it is a horrid little pathetic thing. But fine." I take a breath, “Shit, my story…" I could not form the words. "hey, what’s better I could just tell you the tale of the little engine that should have known better, but still did it anyway.”

"No," he watched me closely, not letting his impatience show "I want to know your story, your pain, please."

"Shit, shit, shit, OK, shit... dammit," I hit the steering wheel, I pressed my forehead into the hard surface of the wheel, "but don't say I didn't warn ya. Shit” minutes passed, I said nothing.

He reached over holding my shoulders, "Honey, nothing that would make you too nervous to say, could be a waste of time, you are that fearless girl that never holds her tongue. Trust me, I think I can help." His thumb rubbed tenderly.

"I am neither fearless, nor am I a girl; I am a right old horrible spinster," I huffed, I fiddled with my fingers. I looked in his eyes; “I am" I stopped gathering my thoughts; "I don’t think you will like this as well as you think; I know what will happen after its all out, so, I must preface with a goodbye, you have been lovely. I know your opinion of me will slip; you won't want to know me after I finish, so thank you." He looked doubtful, but I knew, gods, I will miss him. "Before I start, I want to say, even if it means nothing to you, if no one ever tells you, I love you." A tear streaked from my eye, "What am I? Nothing," he shook his head vigorously, "look at me, I know most don’t think much of me, red round cheeks and usually a smile, no makeup and holes in my jeans; I have been told many, many, times after having conversations with people that my Naivety was endearing, but if I had ever encountered the real world my outlook would become as jaded as theirs. I may act like I have encountered nothing but sweetness and light in a noodle salad life, but that is far from the truth. I believe that you can encounter the worst that life has to offer and choose your reaction to it. You can stop believing in the world around you or you can continue to believe in kindness, understanding, and trust. Some say it is just denial, burying my head in the sand that allows me think that life is still what we make it… I Laugh and Laugh… If they knew what this girl, well, shit, here you go. Enough wasting time, I will get down to it. It's a shit story..." I wiped my hands down my face, the a swipe under my nose with the bad of my hand, then on my thighs, "shit," I sighed out, “Too many years ago it was a bright sunny day; a warm fall morning with a light breeze. I was worried about a calculus test; the biggest thing on my mind were cos A and sin B. I was on the phone ironing out a scheduling problem; I was talking to my internship mentor on the first cell phone in my family, dad got it for my safety because of my commute 90 miles to school. Jabbering on about what, I don’t even remember, I reached into the back seat for my bag. Sighing and hanging up the phone, preparing for the day ahead, or so I thought." I took a steadying breath, I had evaded long enough; I couldn’t meet his gaze, I just stared straight ahead out the windshield. "Suddenly, horribly brutality was introduced into my life; the surprise really isn’t as horrible as the feeling of helplessness; I was still bent closing the door with my hip I started to heft my book bag; my head caved in the rear door of my car; you should have seen it, truly impressive the damage a cranium can do." I remain in this protective tone, details curtailed "I was knocked out cold; I slowly came out of my haze I felt pain, searing horrible pain, but not my head, I heard ripping material; I smelled blood my blood; flying back to reality and I know what is happening, the animal grunting and horrible rhythm; pain, it’s between my legs; no one had ever been there before;" I heard Life take a savage breath, it was nice to know someone cared, even if it was just for show. I wiped the dampness from my face again.

"They raped me, I did not count or really anything." I tried to laugh it off, "they beat me, pulled my hair, god, one stood one foot on my head so I couldn’t move and urinated on my face as that other one finished, they called me whore, and cum bucket, and worse; every part of my body was used and abused; I lost, my hands blindly flail, I try to kick. I was savaged by animals I use the term loosely. They ransacked my car as they took turns, seeing my viola in the trunk and to punish me for fighting they crushed my left hand, they kicked me, beat my head into the pavement repeatedly. When they had finished with me and my car, the cruelest one of them, pulled the scarf wrapped around my neck and strangled me, they murdered me, and I do have to say part of me did die. As they did they laughed, god, they laughed, horrible laughs, they creep into my conscious when anything goes awry. I lost consciousness, I guess they assumed I died, I woke, I don’t know how much time passed, but I woke in a pool of blood and …err other, I got in my car and drove to the security station on the bottom level… yeah." I shook. He rubbed my hand; I pulled away quickly, I could have spit on him, but it was not him the anger belonged to. "What is madness but nobility of soul, at odds with circumstance?"

"My god, I was expecting bad, but my… my heart, it is broken” ready to face the loss of him, I turned, I watched his face as the light died in the low, dark, rain swollen clouds; a delicate falling rain drank in the dusk; it felt like it swallowed my misery whole and for that I was grateful; shrouded in silence, the branches of the trees above wrapped me in their stoic peace. Shadows fell across us the boundaries lost their edges, as the borders were erased, once again the wonder if I had ever really existed. His presence was always so elegantly reassuring, and still I had to remind myself it was not him I was so mad at.

"Yeah, so, how was that for a hard luck story? The first time I have told anyone since I left the police station. Not exactly Disney Channel friendly, but I am waiting to hear back from lifetime." I laughed; the sound was hollow. "Peachy side, I didn't end up knocked up or diseased; so, maybe the universe heard that plea." I sniffed, my frustration returning. He trailed his hand lightly down my damp cheek. I flinched away, shy, stupid, embarrassed, "pretty pathetic, huh?"

He shook his head. "Shh, stop that please, you don’t have to mock yourself in that Cyrano de Bergerac style you always use; you are not beating me to a punch line, I was never going for one” he ran his hands over his face, “did you not hear your story? My heart is broken." I tried to look away; his gentle hands coaxed my gaze back. "I heard a story of survival, those monsters tried to end you; here you are, fight intact, undaunted, truly indomitable, the rest just damaged facia."

I looked in his eyes, "Fate has been taunting, mocking me, whispering that I liked the assault,” I stopped, hesitating, “that has me doubting everything."

His face skeptical, eyebrow raised, "And you believe those taunts?" He shook his regal head.

Temper sparked, "kind of,” I stopped, feeling stupid, I bristled, “I do, okay. So what?"

"Why?" He cajoled. "Really, tell me why; the whole truth answer." He sat back like Cesar at the gladiator games, "hold nothing back, I can take it."

Apparently, he was satisfied that I was soundly kicking my own ass. "I wrote out, an imaginary tryst, you and I, we were on a boat, it was just delicious, an escape, there was a touch of rough to it... some of the details were... similar to... that." my voice stopped working. "I liked it a lot, but then I got overwhelmed, confused; how can I like that, without liking the other. The reality of that implication," I sniffed, fluttering my hands; that horrible weird guilt weighing my soul, I knew it was just my own psyche, but it was horrendously irresistible; I stopped I gave up; "shit, now you know; you know… everything why I am so deplorable... grotesque... disgusting." I rolled my eyes closed, I concentrated on my breathing, minutes clicked by finally I opened them, expecting that he had blew away on the breeze.

I met his gaze, I saw no pity, no disgust; I saw him, just Life. Confused, I searched further, still none.

"You are not. You know better than most that feelings can be deception; sex, isn't just soft, isn't just rough, it is never one flavour; it is the connection, the intention." He ran his hands through my hair. Pressing it back behind my ear the way I like it. "Honey, there is no equation between your rape and having a touch of rough in a fantasy. It does not mean you liked being helpless, beaten, or broken, the intention there was viciousness; there was no connection there, no trust" he sighed.

I gave a derisive chuckle, "right."

He dropped my hand, pulling away, gaining my full attention. "You apparently have made up your mind not just for you but also what I would think; you really must be magic; I think you would be surprised by what I think.”

I let a derisive chuckle out, “Sure because you are some kind of paragon.”

“I wouldn’t say paragon, but I heard every word you said. It made me so mad that you would think that way about you.” I rolled my eyes. He growled, and good god something in me was listening, something found the sound so delicious that it made me tingle; I scanned his eyes, there was still softness there. “Honey, look, I heard a story of an invasion, a horrible, massive invasion. I don't care if you were splayed naked on a table saying, 'come and get it big boy, give it to me hard,'” I let a snerk of laughter out at the idea. “if it was not the specific person you were talking to; that was an invasion. You cannot discount a rougher, needy kind of love making; accepting carnal love rougher more animal in its display requires trust in the intention of the other party, it is not simply the actions; Accepting love rougher, that act of trust is never more shameful or dirtier; it is a communication telling the other party, I trust you to be just this much, but no more; the instant you voice a dislike and it continues it becomes the other; it’s all up to you, whatever is pleasing to you, only you. There is no right, there is no wrong, no disgusting or dirty; sex is all about the feeling, expressing.” I understood what he was trying to say, but I really didn’t want to hear it, I knew he was trying to placate me, I tried to ignore him; “Don't be like a velvet glove cast in iron, dealing only in absolutes." I had to look away, “love is love, is love, is love, and it all matters” the storm gaining strength, he released the top and pulled it up; kissing the top of my head as he passed. "Sweeting, the space between absolutes..." he sighed, "remember, you said that is where you had chosen to live, you were right, it is the place where life happens." He ran his hands through his hair; his frustration evident, then a light hit his eyes; "I would really like to read this fantasy, curiosity leads me to wonder," he chuckled, "I just wonder if it would match up to any of mine." I shot him a skeptical look. “oh, honey; I have had so many fantasies since the first time you appeared.”

I had no words to say, I just sat watching him, waiting for the change.

He sat, looking at me, the storm began to rage, much like the maelstrom that had been inside me for so long; I pulled the piece up on my phone handing it to him. We were more than damp, I noticed I had been shivering; for how long, no one knows. I sat watching the storm split the sky; I started the car, flipping a bitch, starting back in the opposite direction; he was deeply ensconced in my words, he reached over with out looking up, turning on the heat, directing the vents at me.

I shot him a look, just a glance; but what I saw. God, the power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that I had never believed in its power; no one now dares to say that two beings have fallen in love because they looked at each other. Yet, an unguarded look can tell you so much, love, despise, languor and fear; tenderly in his exquisite look, I saw the most gorgeous thing, understanding; an acceptance. I was astonished, I was bewildered, dizzy, in a daze; I still did not understand, I began wondering what universe he was from... My stomach panged, rumbling as loud as the storm, I ignored it.

"Hey, can you pull in up there, you need something to eat." There was a neon sign in the distance, that advertised barbeque, I was surprise he could even see if as he didn’t look up from my words. I pulled in, reading the sign that promised barbecue and drinks, after all it was Texas, a bourbon sounded just right. I pulled in and parked; I was a numbed, near depressed but electrified, dumbfounded, impressed and slightly aroused; all the roiling emotions had my jaw clenched, I was disassociated, separated, on autopilot. My feet moving me through the rain, but I was a cloud of confused emotion; a stranger in a strange land; emotion was not my wheelhouse. Wandering idly toward the door; passing the columns, he gripped my shoulders almost punishingly. He spun me to face him, his face dark and serious, I began shivering, he pressed me to the wall. His face serious, but the passion burned; again, that growl, it hit the bottom of my stomach, warming, making my legs shake; he kissed me, suddenly, deeply, no warmup, no cuddling into my lips just immediately lips and tongue. Tucking his knee between my legs pressing hard, soft mewling left my throat caught in his mouth. He pinned my arms to my sides I tried to touch him, but he wouldn’t yield, he wanted to kiss me, his way; and yes, I liked it, he ran his tongue along the roof of my mouth, I moaned softly into his mouth, rocking gingerly against his knee; the visceral feeling. He started to deepen the kiss even more, his knee caressing, moving with intention. A quiet shudder rocked me. He sucked in a deep controlling breath, resting his forehead against mine, staring deeply into my eyes; I shook like a leaf as we parted. Shaking I clung to his shoulders.

"Now, kitten, did you feel my intention, to bring you pleasure?" I nodded, "was there pleasure?" I bit my lip, a small smile creeped, I nodded. "You know, the fact that you know the horrible purity of absolute, pure despair; doesn’t mean that is all there is in this universe." He kissed me again, faintly. He passed his fingertips over my skin, almost without touching an experience that neither of us had expected or experienced before, the miracle of feeling myself in another body, "Now, did you feel that?"

"Yes," I whispered, I was shadow pinned against a sweating wall; needing more, my soul pleading for more, but I was frozen; "Oh there was a moment there; oh me, oh my; as you began a whisper of that kiss; clearer than any whispered words; god there was something there that makes it all worthwhile; that was the edge, hmm, the edge is what I have; truth of this fiction, it's the edge of flavour that makes the difference.” I giggled, “there was a time when I would speak words that made sense." I giggled.

"Yes. But what truth is there in sense?" He laced my fingers with his and pulled me after him; we walked in me confused actually wanting to go back to being pinned to that wall, we walked in. The waitress took us to a booth; I slid in first, I gasped in surprise as he slid in next to me on the same bench. He ordered me a bourbon and an order of fries; I sat there blinking, he then turns me to face him, he leans in close whispering deep and low; his breath warm on my neck, "When we are young we felt we are invincible; as we age we find ourselves, second guessing, always thinking twice." As he spoke, he planted little kisses on my neck; “I am done with that, I thought I was done paying my dues, same for you; now, I find that I have something I do not want to lose. The day you came into my life I changed again, fear still there, but also a cacophony of joy, both at odds, now every day now is just a grateful roll of the dice." His hands skimmed over my arms as they draped around his neck, freely delicious. "I look at that, it is working; you are starting to hear me; I like you, feel powerless in the lonesome times, thinking to myself 'dear god what have I done?' But with you here..." biting the edge of my ear, "you can run baby, you can try to hide, but whatever comes it will find you. For us, there is now; yesterday is history, an hour from now, no one knows for sure; but baby right now it's just you and me and that kiss, it said a lot." He turned me to face him.

Our drinks and fries came and I took a long drought, I laughed cuddling close, I felt young, I felt alive, and I really had never felt that way, “Are we mad?" he looked wounded, "but the good madness, the change the world madness."

"I want to just hold you tight; right now, we can make this moment last; don't think about anything other than helping you forget about the past, for just a moment if needs be." His kissed me slow, long deep caresses with his tongue; I tried to match him, I was awkward at first, but he led me in a natural rhythmic motion.

I missed feeling him, tasting him, gods, it was like breathing. I kissed him with everything I had. "You know, your fantasy, it was gorgeous." He kissed me again, his hands cupping my cheeks, tilting my face for a new angle. He broke from my mouth kissing down my neck. "I have sailed a 20-foot catch; I have had some very similar thoughts, but I loved that very forward confident you that you wrote."

I fumbled with my hands trying to make him feel some of what I was. "Have you really imagined us together as well?" My fingers sliding through his hair. He nodded, “I kind of assumed you were so out of my league."

He laughed, the sound rippled along my nerves; "oh, kitten, you have no idea who you actually are. Yes, I have, so many things I have fanaticized about."

I pulled away to see his eyes, they held no lie; "Even now?... after?"

He looked shocked, "Especially now." He said with conviction.

"Tell me one," I was breathless.

He held my had looking into my face, "Happily, but I would rather show you. I long to grab your hand and run to the motor inn across the parking lot, get a room." I looked out the window over his shoulder gnawing on my kiss swollen bottom lip.

"Mmm, story first," I stood firm.

"OK then, well, I suppose I could tell you about the one where you are the aggressor; holding me down using me as you will." He shook his head, "no, the one where I am the aggressor, holding you down? Kissing you slowly, teasing your nerves, dipping my fingers into you, feeling you shiver; nah, you don't look keen on that, eating chocolate ice cream off of your skin;” I really shivered, “maybe another time; I suppose, I could tell you about how I dreamt of kissing you, teasing you, then bend you over this table licking all the way up the back of you thigh and... no, no, not that one. Kitten, come here." He pulled my leg up so he could slide closer, fitting just between. "You have to use your imagination; I dream of laying you down, kissing you so hard, it takes your breath away; I want to make out with you like a teenager out passed curfew." He caressed my trembling bottom lip with his thumb. "I would get lost in your kisses; intoxicating, enticing, articulate, telling me exactly what you want, how you want it; using only the tip of your tongue you draft a treatise." He toyed with my hair idly, my eyelids began to sag half-mast; passion building in my body, "Wowzah, that scorching look in your eyes, so intent, you are so Wildely beautiful; why, oh why do you squash that want, fighting it like a foe, a weakness; please, just... let it free."

His hand began caressing my neck, I could not have stopped myself from rolling my head, so my neck was wide open for his lips. His tongue. "I love kissing your neck, licking, taking little bites, right here." His fingers wisping passed the place where neck meets shoulder, my bones melted; he smiled mischievously, shot me a naughty look wiggling get his brows. He slid his fingers along my neckline, his touch whisper soft; his voice low, rumbling, deep, "deliberately I descend along your succulent curves;" my body raising to meet his fingers, straining for attention. "I watch you arch your back, just like that; I can't take my time learning; your heaving breasts wanton for attention, nipples like diamonds," oh and they are, his two fingers caress along the crevice between my breasts. My breathing hitched, coming in soft pants, his eyes gorgeous reverent. "I reveal the state in which I see your nerves are in; rampaging, greedy, alive for just a whisper of a touch; oh, but I want more" he sunk in closer, enjoying the slight shake of my shoulders. His hot mouth kisses just behind my ear, his tongue licking along my skin; his lips playing with the cords in my neck as I let out a sighing moan, just a solitary note; his fingers toying with the area of my soft sweater, just over my the area of my nipple. "Your belly covered with barely visible downy hairs, soft, soft, so soft;" he slipped his fingers of his other hand up under the hem of my sweater, just above my waistband; his first hand dropping to my thigh, dipping between rubbing with soft curious fingers; the nail of his wide thumb, scraping along the seam between; "they are standing up because of the goose bumps I just made." His fingers velvet soft over my skin, I try clamped my thighs together he keeps that from happening. "Pushing passed the band of your jeans, I reach for what I crave the most." His second hand skimming a rougher scratching fingernail along the seam; his other fingers just trace along the skin along the edge of the bottom of my bra, his lips kissed along my neckline. "I would make you moan," I squirmed, "I would form a symphony of your empassioned calls, all the delicious sounds of satisfaction; I will be ruthless in my intent, pleasure my only goal; releasing you from the past, my hope. I know you will want to run, to escape, but at the same time you will be wanting more;" he pulled back, "more; look at you, breathtaking, deliciously titillated. Your cheeks flushed, you lips slightly parted; eyes glossy, erotic, steamy, fervid, seductive, coaxing, shameless; saying every want your lips refuse." Pulling at the hem of my sweater, "I want to slip my hand under your panties, sliding my fingers across your damp skin. God, I have wanted that for so long" His fingers ghost over my skin, reaching the edge of my satin bra; his lips crashed into mine, his kiss demanding, delicious, scalding; his hand enveloping my breast; his thumb rubbing delicately, I react honestly. I grabbed his wrist of his hand that was resting on my thigh, pulling his fingers to my mouth, sucking. The clench in my belly responding to his hand slipping under my bra. I pull away, gasping; I stand, dropping a ten on the table.

"Shit, I am sorry," his breath laboured, his face recalcitrant, "I pushed too far, too fast; I am sorry; so, where are we off to?" He looked disappointed, sad.

"Well, I decided, you are right," viciously, I let that hang in the air; “you should just show me. Our direction, over there," I pointed out the window to the inn.

He looked like a child at Christmas, he grabbed my arm tossing me over his shoulder, I giggle and squeal, he moved quickly to the door. We were out and across the parking lot swiftly, he was running; the rain drenching us; he dropped me to my feet under the awning. "I'll be right back."

I watched him fill out the forms, pay the woman, and he bounded back. "We will make, new experiences, giving you back all the power. Let’s roll." Pulling me over his shoulder again; I squealed, I laughed; he slapped my rump, I moaned.

And outside it was October Country . . . that country where it is late in the year and everyone is tired and waiting for that one good thing to break; country where the amber hills covered in fog, rivers are mist and ice; where noon shortly proceeds sundown, twilights linger, and mid-night’s stay; geese and dusks on their parade to the south; dilled carrots and jams are lined into cellars, sweaters, coats, jackets, are cycled to the front of closets, boots and gloves to the entry way, coffee and tea served hot and steamy with fresh cookies and it seems for a season everything faces away from the sun. October people, think October thoughts and wish that the Christmas stuff would remain hidden for another season, and passing nights, cool, bundled in warm socks and a large sweater walking or listening to the light rain on the tin roof hoping the winter doesn’t kill hope

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sian22redux · 5 years

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A Puppy in the Family

So yes fellow crazy baseball fans, I know you’ve been watching closely--have guessed that my Cleveland’s loss to Boston means @theycallmebecca gets a fic. This time I didn’t need to ask for a prompt--I know what she would like: a sequel to He Followed Me Home.

So here it is.. more adventures of Fenway and Dodger and Chris and Y/N..this time from a slightly different point of view. Grin. Hope you enjoy. This is part 1 of 2.. no warnings--just tooth rotting fluff. Shout out to Twitter’s Thoughts of Dog for inspiration.

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March 2020

Today is a wonderful day.

All days are, of course-- even the ones that are wet and drizzly, forcing us to sit patiently inside watching the raindrops race down the windowpane. But today is a particularly extra super specially wonderful day.

Because Chris is coming home.

Our ‘dad’, our protector, chief Frisbee tosser and best roughhouser is finally coming back. That thing that happens in hoomans’ ‘wurk’ had come round again. A ‘script’ arrived. I do not know how this pile of wonderfully new smelling paper can magic Chris away, but it does. Almost every time it arrives. After the pats and hugs and snuffles Y/N will pour a glass of wine and mope, snuggle with us on the big white couch, marking little x’s on the calender (that evil thing with V-E-T scrawled across it) and then she will go about our usual day routine: breakfast kibble and a quick walk on Lorel drive, her leaving us to go to ‘wurk’, long snoozles for Dodger and I, then staring at the door til my eyes go wobbly; more snoozles after we play fight a bit and then finally she is back!

Y/N is home! Dinner kibble comes and then pats and play time and then bed.

This has happened for three lines of x’s before this wondrous day arrived.

Y/N is so excited. She has primped us both. Brushed me til my coat shone glossy black, trimmed Dodger’s nails and brushed the dust out of his fur, even sort of brushed the house. She wiped and tidied and walked around with the noisy ‘coom so we knew it was important.

(Dodger doesn’t like it—he hates the loud whoosing noise-- but I stood and waved my tail because she said “Good boy” and “Chris is coming home” and I don’t want to look less than my best.)

We wait while Y/N primps herself (her dress and shiny lips are nice) and then it happens.

We hear a big engine car and the door whines open and he is there! Chris! Chris! I am so happy I can’t help but bark and not mind that Dodger is always faster than I am. He leaps up to put his paws on Chris’s chest, barking “Hi, Hi, Hi,” leaping like a kangaroo, and Chris is answering ‘Hey there dude,” and laughing at the licks and I am very careful not to knock them over and so proud when I get the big strong pats.

“Good boy, Fenway. Good boy. Missed you too. big guy!”

Chris sees me! I wiggle my whole body in ecstasy until it knocks over the umbrella stand and his suitcase. Oopsie. sometimes I forget that I am BIG.

Then it is Y/N’s turn. She gets kisses and duper hugs..the ones that lift you right off the ground because our Chris is super strong and super excited to be back with his partner once again.

There’s a bit more of greet time for us and then it’s greet time for them, though as welcome rituals go it’s kind of odd. There is no sniffing of tushies, or zooming around for play or licking muzzles but there is lots and lots of talking and kissing and talking and kissing and sprawling on the giant couch and glasses of wine on the low wood caw-fee table that I have to be extra careful to not bump over.

“Fenway, pal..watch out!”

Oops—sorry. I was only showing off my new squeaky hotdog.

Dodger and I sit at their feet and send happy thoughts their way and eventually Chris stands up, and carries Y/N into the bedroom and I start to rise but Chris says ‘Stay.”

Whine.

I want to be with them too.

<No you don’t,> says Dodger, flopped over on his side and heaving a contented sigh.

<They’re doing it again.>

<Mating. They’ll be there a while.>

Oh. Right. Dodger has explained this. Hoomans, unlike dogs, do not usually joyously couple underneath the sun. They’re shy. And slow. They take ages with it and honestly sometimes I worry that it must not work because they do it all the time.

Sometimes Chris and Y/N aren’t that shy and do it where we are. On the couch. In the kitchen. In the swimming pool. Dodger takes this time to snoozle more but I usually just lie there and thump my tail to be encouraging.

It must be tiring for Y/N to be in heat so much.

<You’re not a bitch. What would you know about that?> Dodger chuckles at me, tongue lolling and pale eyebrow raised.

I frown, puzzling it through. < Jenna the Bichon at the park said so. And I think it is right because sometimes they sleep right after.>

<Good point.> Dodger lazily scratches at his chin. <And Y/N doesn’t run around as much as Chris. She must be tuckered all the time.

I stare at the blond wood of the latched and bolted door (it’s firm, I checked), alert to intruders or harm but nothing seems amiss. A few high-pitched giddy squeals come from the bedroom but Dodger just rolls over and goes to sleep.

<They’re fine, Fenway. Get some sleep yourself.>

I do, and dream of pats and empty laps and ice cream cones.

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<Gooob morning!!> I bark to Chris and Y/N the next day when they drag themselves blearily out into the super toasty sun streaming through the windows.

Dodger as usual is silent but stretching ready for a race. Me--my toes are a tippy tappin’ and I am jumping, so excited to see them there, so unable to contain all the love the world inside one BIG but furry body. All I can do is bark <I love you.> again and again and again, while sending all the happy thoughts.

“Hey, hey.. hold up Fenway.” Chris opens the backyard door. I bounce outside. The air is clean (no fires) and the sun is warm and Chris is back! Oh happy day! I snap at a yellow moth and almost catch it; mark my tree after Dodger goes on his, and trot around the yard, sniffing all the whiffling smells—grass and pool water and leafy moldy goodness.

Y/N comes outside with sleep shirt on and two cups of coffee. Chris tosses Dodger’s new red ball far as the fire corner <Goob morning> I bark again hoping the ball will come to me. Yes!! Chris notices!! I Proudly Catch it and trot over and drop it at his feet. Y/N comes back out with a little pot of honey, a jug of coffee cream and two cross-haunts. Mmmmmmm. Flaky buttery goodness. I want really bad but I am trying to be extra good, so I make myself join the chase.

We fly back and forth and back and forth until Chris says “Enough!” and so I stretch out on the cool patio, lay my head on Y/N’s bare feet to keep them warm. This gets a tummy scritch (my mastery plan has worked) and so Dodger noses in, leans against Chris’s legs. <Pat me, please> he yips, twice, then Chris laughs and calls him jealous—scritching him perfectly behind the ears.

Chris’s big strong hands are good at scritching.

For a little while we all snoozle just there in a heap (Chris is ‘still jet-laggy’ says Y/N) but when I open one eye there is more kissing going on.

<Dodger, do you notice it?> I whisper quietly.

Dodger, more experienced with the world than I—he is a whole year older--turns over on his back, ear drooping crookedly, looking up to the ‘ounge chair and taking an experimental sniff. “Nope. What does it smell like?”

I do a deep long sniff, just like when we ride in the car with the windows down and I am eating the wind. “Happy. New kind of. Sugary good.”

He turns toward Y/N and tries again, holding longer on the in. <Oh,> he yips. <She’s expecting Good nose Fenway.>

Expecting? As in PUPPIES?! I sit right up in shock. <You can smell it?!>

Oh. Suki is a very pretty Maltese who lives just up the street. She knew her mom was sick and was very sad and brave before she was happy again because Mrs. Wilson is ok.

I think it was all the helping hugs that Suki gave.

I give another whiff, luxuriating in the Happy and then the kissing stops. Chris pulls Y/N up---says the magic words ‘More BREAKFAST’ and so I leap--follow them inside- sniffing carefully toward Y/N’s back. Happy definitely. New and Sweet and Rainbow Magic Sprinkles.

I excitedly wag my tail and bump her leg but she laughs, puts her hands on her hips and misunderstands. “Fenway you are not getting another breakfast.”

I jump in my excitement, tapping my feets but she just laughs and reaches for more cross-haunts and jam (Jam!!!). I have to be extra good behaviour and not jump up to steal. Sometimes I can’t help myself—I am technically still a puppy too: Dodger says its no big deal so long as I am mostly good.

Speaking of Good, I inch close to her chair and take another sniff, resting my snout in her lap. Still Happy. Still New. This is good, very good, and so I burrow deeper, thumping my tail on the floor, super happy for them both.

“Fenway, I can’t eat with you there.”

I put a paw upon Y/N’s leg, trying to get closer to that wondrous smell! HAPPY! She holds her pastry high, laughing as I take another whiff, but then I’m taking too much room, too excited to remember I am BIG.

“Fenway? What is up with you? Go sit!”

I don’t listen. I am too happy (and inches from the Jam!). I miss Dodger’s warning bark and then Chris is there, frowning down, shoving my nose away and in the hard voice he says. “Fenway, No!! Bed!”

I have a sad. I follow his finger to my bed and flop down on cushy foam, tucking my tail as far under as it can go. Sorry dad. Sorry.

Dodger comes and waits patiently until I am released.

<I don’t think they understand,> I sigh mournfully.

<No,> says Dodger, <but they will when she changes shape. Be patient.>

Patient!? That is the hardest thing of all. I sigh and watch them eat. There is talking of parks and parties and ‘pearances, all the usual breakfast stuff. Tick tick tick. Finally a walk is called and I am on my best behaviour; carrying along my leash because outside is larger than you think and I don’t want them to get lost.

<Y/N is expecting puppies!> I bark excitedly to Chris (who still doesn’t seem to hear) as we turn right at the gate. This takes us to the Bermans. Their little hoomans are my frens—they like to play with rainbow spheres and mark the road with chalk and give me water out of the green garden snake. Dodgers trots at full speed and I waddle on behind, past the scary blue mailbox (are there cats lurking there?), past the red STOP sign to the Kindle’s yard.

Oh boy. My little brain is whirly with anxiety. First I think hooman puppies would be good but now I wonder if they will be like Mrs. Kindle’s. Running and shrieking and pulling tails. Trying to jump on my back. Yikes.

<Will the puppies be good?> I yip to Dodger when I catch him up.

He cocks his head and Thinks. <Puppy. Hoomans mostly only have just one. It will be busy and smelly at first but eventually it will be like being in ‘Chussets.

My ears perk up. ‘Chussets. <Really?>

I have been three times. The plane ride is kinda scary but there are miles of trees and a giant green. An extra Lion for Dodger and squeaky hotdog for me. Chasing ball with cousins and extra special Pats from MomLisa. She’s the alpha alpha female.

Very fair and kind.

(She didn’t even scold my excited piddling when Chris and Y/N came back from their ‘moon trip.)

<Not the moon Fenway, honeymoon,> grins Dodger, <The party after The Wedding.>

Ah The Wedding. I was so proud. Y/N and her friends got cleaned and dressed and buffed all sparkly. Chris got nervous but then sleek and clean. Even Dodger and I had a groomer come. The feathers on my tail were so very shiny. Carly looked pretty and Shanna too. Ethan was super proud to walk between us and hold the fancy leashes.

I was very, very good.

I walked between all the smiley happy people remembering to not steal, not jumping up because it startles them when I put my paws upon their shoulders. Once, in the long, boring talking part, Chris cried a little and I stood up to go rescue him but Dodger woofed <stay> and explained it all.

They do? I think this is weird but then I think it must be like when I piddle joyously. They can’t help it--it just leaks out.

There was music and people and Snacks. So many, many Snacks. Our Secret Mission worked. Dodger and I convinced nearly every single guest that we had not eaten in several weeks.

(I didn’t like the salmon. I barfed it into a handy pot.)

Even if Chris and Y/N didn’t have a lot of time for us so many others did. Ardeejjj, Chris’s good good fren knows exactly where to scritch; Miles and Stella and Ethan chased us through the chairs and out onto the lawns. Tara took me for a needed walk (I can only cross my legs so long). It was perfect.

On the ‘moon afterward we stayed in ‘Chussets for 4 rows of x’s. So long, soooo long, but we were at Carly’s house and it was super fun as always. Miles and Stella and Ethan made sure we weren’t too sad. Played tag and toss and chase until I had to flop down in the sun and bake.

(My coat shines more if I am careful to bask enough.)

I guess a new people puppy in the family will be fun but still I worry. Y/N’s smell gets stronger and stronger but strangely they still don’t understand. It’s xasperating. I have a huge snootful of Happy-New and I worry if I will be good enough.

Will the puppy like me? Will I knock them over even when I am duper careful?

<Relax.> says Dodger and I am sure he’s right (year older!) but this morning I feel so angsty I steal a yogurt lid from the trash. Chris doesn’t quite understand and so I have no choice but to evade him spectacularly.

It works. When we are done both of us are smiling.

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Tagging: @nomadicpixel @arizonapoppy @heather-lynn @pegasusdragontiger

if you want to be added just message me.....

#fenway #dodger #a puppy in the family #sequel to He Followed Me Home #sian22redux #writes

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whatevenismyaestheticidk · 4 years

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Things I’ve heard high schoolers say pt 2

Person 1: But air doesn’t splash Person 2: How do we know that, Im splashing the air right now.

Person: Prove me wrong. Prove fish can’t see air.

Person: I think you underestimate just how poor I am.

Person: I just invented a new thing. No Romo. Like no homo but with romance cause I’m lonely. Get it?

Person: So yah I burned my hair cooking ramen.

Person: Well I figured he wasn’t an adopted iguana.

Person: Say it. You know god is watching.

Person 1 upon heading the news of George Bush’s death: Wait he’s still alive? Person 2: No he’s dead that’s the point.

Person: I got it. *five second pause* no I don’t got it.

Person 1: My name is (name), but you can call me yours. Person 2: Okay nice to meet you yours.

Person: Don’t drink it all fool.

Person: Bruh you could literally turn in a gay fanfic and he’d give it an A.

Person: Bruh, what is this triangular accusation?

Person 1:It’s call physics. Person 2: Yah but I don’t take Physics hence they should not apply to me.

Person 1: Discreet. Person 2: No discr-yeet *dabs*

Person 1: Be impressed with my ability to bull shit. Person 2: I mean, it’s gotten you this far.

Person: Why do I feel like finals are lowkey Russian roulette? Like okay I made it through most of them but I still have a few pulls of the trigger to go and one of them might get me.

Person 1: Murder. Just do it. Person 2: I didn’t know that nike was sponsoring murder.

Person: How do mermaids reproduce if they’re just like conjoined legs?

Person 1: Frozen Yogurt Person 2: Fro yo Person 1: Frozen YOgUrt Person 2: Fro Yo Person 1: FROZEN YOGURT

Person: All I have to do to commit suicide is jump from my parents expectations to my grades.

Person 1: I mean yah I cheated on that test. Person 2: Man your love life it DOOMED!

Person: I was seeing if I was tripophobic by repeatedly stabbing my finger with my pen.

Person: You do know that crickets exist during the day right?

Person 1: Hey (person 2), we’re friends right? Person 2: ….. What do you want. Person 1: You know, that sandwich looks real good. *person 2 hand them the sandwich* OMIGOD THANK YOU SO MUCH I LOVE YOU!

Person: Omigod (person’s name) is going through puberty!

Person: If you pulled my ear I would have ripped out your nostril.”

Person 1: She’s attacking me! Person 2: No, he’s beating a woman, that’s not polite.

Person 1: I know many things! Person 2: like what? Person 1: ..... Person 2: my point.

Person: My shoes will be sparkly red stilettos. Fight me Dorothy.

Person: umm hello Christmas miracle even though I’m not Christian. Come at me 15 years from now!

Person 1: you’d make a really good baldie Person 2: yah you have a really rest head shape

Person: you know teletubbies? Yah that but compressed.

Person 1: I mean how will you become American? Person 2: paint me white, I’ll get a passport.

Person 1: I’m so funny. Person 3: it’s hard not to be when your life is a joke.

Person 1: So I’ve decided that my new career choice is to make school specific memes Person 2: That's Plan A? Yeash... at least Plan B lands you some cash

Person: I’m so small and bitter I’m like a human expresso

Person: You know what I’d name a baby kangaroo if I had one? David Jowie.

Person: I’m just saying that the orange red glitter crayon is you.

Person: I feel like a 1940’s schoolgirl who goes to an all girl finishing school where embroidery is a required class.

Person: I started high school with straight A’s, now I’m not even straight.

Person: Yeah, I’d swear by comic sans.

Person: (Persons name)stop being depressy and you’ll be more sucessy

Person: You can totally be insecure and self absorbed at the same time.

Person 1: Are you kids okay? Person 2: Besides crippling depression yeah.

Person: I don’t know it’s just giving me pig vibes.

Person: What drugs where the animators for “Pink Elephants on Parade” on?

Person: long story short I make like a semi hot guy.

Person: If I where pregnant id just be like 'you put this thing inside of me, you're helping me until it's out.'

Person: These girls asked me what type of guys I like and being the simple gay I am, I completely blanked

Person 1: why do you read on your phone if you get carsick at 20 minutes? Person 2:Because it works for the first 19 minutes.

Person: Three Indians, a Thai, a Colombian, and an American walk into a bar. Just kidding they aren't old enough to drink. Three Indians, a Thai, a Colombian, and an American walk into a school cafeteria...

Person: I can't do alcohol cause I'm not of age but I can do drugs because they're illegal for everyone.

Person 1: you can't have a breakdown, it's the third day of school. Person 2:... so?

*Group of kids singing Bohemian Rhapsody in twelve different keys* Person: For gods sake choose a key!

Person: For gods sake that was complicated. You didn't need to send out a survey to see which episode of which season of which show to watch.

Person: Honestly I'd chose stab over dab any day.

Person 1: She said she'd throw me out of the window. Person 2: She never did. Person 1: She never did.

Person: What language is this? *pause* Oh wait it's English.

Person 1: I mean it's pretty hit or miss. Person 2 from across the courtyard: I guess they never miss, huh?

Person: Chu-chu bitch. I’m a train.

Person after loosing game of kahoots: I’m going to ka-shoot myself.

Person: So basically I need to learn Hungarian for a song.

Person: No one screams their sneeze, its not human

Person: If I where a mosquito I would bite you and you’d get malaria and die.

Person: That tide pod aesthetic.

Person: No I loved Barney, Barney was my bo.

Person: If I where my own boyfriend I’d dump me.

Person: It's already a really good song but then it's dubstep so it's extra good.

Person: No one is EVER to old for coolmathgames.com

Person 1: Why are you using a poon? Person 2:….. Person 1: WHY ARE YOU USING A POON?!

Person 1: I’ve been blonde for 16 years. Person 2: So what? I’ve been brown for 16 years and you don’t see me coloring myself white!

Person: Yes. Scrape the sweat off my hand.

Person: No one cares about a square cube of water.

Person: We’re melanin intoxicated.

Person: Well my life may be a mess, but at least I’m not doing drugs. Yet.

Person: Negative 13 out of 10, do not recommend.

Person: Yah that’s gunna have to be a no from me.

Person: Fool me once......fool me twice.......fool me as many times as you want, my first name is dumbass.

Person 1: Ya know, I think the Americans have the order of dates right JUST BECAUSE you can do 4/20/2019. Person 2: Okay but they’re still wrong though.

Person with AirPods: And where are YOUR AirPods? Thats what I thought you broke bitches.

Person: Salem witch trials bitches.

Person: La Croix, the AirPods of the soda world.

Person: Who needs a thermometer when you have… your hands!?

Person 1: It’s time to bring back SEXY MASQUERADE BALLS Person 2: It really is. I need an excuse to wear an incredibly uncomfortable dress that's so big I can't even walk through doorways. Person 1: And to wear a swan inspired mask that doesn’t cover enough of my face to deem myself totally anonymous enough to be half as bold and daring as i plan on acting that night but everyone else is on board we’ll all just forget about it the next day. Person 2: That's to specific for you to have made up on the spot, you've thought about this.

Person: It was lady Macbeth that drugged and made the guards drunk, without her Macbeth would just be like “I guess I’ll stab him???” Person: It’s like playing where’s Waldo but the page is India and I’m Waldo.3Person: Why are there so many frowny faces everywhere?

Person: This group chat is weird. It's either homework, deep philosophical conversations, or memes, there's no in between.

Person 1: Honestly, where DID it come from Person 2: The endless abyss that is the internet.

Person: Are you really blaming our generational depression on Jake Paul?

Person 1: Oh. My. God. Guys. Keep your carbon dioxide away from my computer. Person 2: But sharing is caring. Person 1: But my computer doesn’t need this kinda of negativity in its life right now.

Person: Sweetie, if you think I’m going to stop wearing my favorite dress just because you kissed me in it, you are dead wrong.

Person with a metal straw: I don't drink broke.

Person: My whole life has become that sock on the floor. It's just there. When did life screw us over and then just ex? I’m just gonna write a book, and the last sentence will be life screwed them over and then exed. A story of the main character who gets screwed over, so I can get that 'it be like that sometimes' reaction.

Person in group chat: Positivity- I will make you feel better about being an idiot. Self Doubt- I will highlight all of your mistakes and set low standards for you so you'll never be disappointed. Me to Self Doubt- I'm listening...

Person 1: Sadly the disappointment never goes away... Person 2: Man we're a sad lot this time of year.

Person 1:It’s almost my favorite time of the year Person 2:Ahh yes. Singles awareness day, also known as chocolate sales at Walgreens eve, also known as... Valentine's Day. Person 1:... Oh... I meant rainy season.

Person: Being antivax is like swimming in shark infested waters because you're afraid the bridge could break lmao.

Person: I learned how eat a kumquat this weekend.

Person: It’s so sticky. It’s like clear cheese.

Person: Hamburger helper? More like hamburger help me pass this class.

Person 1: So I slipped on a grape… Person 2: You got K.O.’ed by a grape (person’s name), how does it feel.

Person 1: Look at me, I’m fine. Person 2: Well how many drugs did you take. Person 1: Several.

Person 1: Did you just say it’s ALMOST FEBRUARY? Person 2: Yes, it’s January 72nd.

Person: I knew your comedic standards where low, but poop jokes? Really?

Person: What? So are you insinuating the fact that reliablest isn't a word?

Person 1: [bitter old man voice] back in my day, tik tok was a kesha song. Person 2: Back in my day we had wires attached to our AirPods.

Person: There's a reason rainbows aren't straight. Just saying.

Person reading sheet music and seeing mf crescendo: I forgot that mezzo forte was a thing for a second so I thought it said mother fucker as a crescendo but mood

Person: He looks like a fine piece of toasted white bread.

Person: If life hasn't given me a fist bump by now, why should I give life one?

Person: we all died in 2012 this is hell.

Person 1: Who wants a pamphlet on condoms? Person 2: Why do you have this? Do you collect them? Person 1: Yah it’s my hobby. I have this one, one on HIV and one on teenage pregnancy.

Person: We live a society where reading about assassins and gory details is a hobby.

Person: Stop breathing so loudly on my thumb!

Person 1: I’m the comic relief. Person 2: For what? Person 1: Myself.

Person1: Who’s your valentine this year? Person 2: Me, myself and I. Person 1: Wow three valentines, you really can’t keep them away can you?

Person: Why do women gotta get their period, why not men. I wish I was born a seahorse.

Person 1: No we can’t all fit, her car is smol. Like you. Person 2: Says you miss 5 foot nothing lmao. Person 1: Hey we’re the same hight so says you miss 5 foot nothing.

Person: No, that’s cheating no emotionally disabling people.

Person 1: Why is it that we’re talking about someone burning eggs on two different group chats. Person 2: Hey I didn’t burn them. Person 3: Cause why not?

Person 1: That’s not how an Australian accent works. Person 2: This is why I’m not Australian, I don’t have the koala-fications.

Person 1: I’m Indian, numbers run through my blood. Person 2: That’s like saying I’m going to marry my cousin just because I’m white.

Person: So I ate veggies and hummus for lunch but then I counterbalanced it by eating a spoon full of straight Nutella.

Person: Seagulls, California Pigeons, what’s the difference?

Person 1: I humbly apologize and request your forgiveness. Person 2: I humbly decline your request for forgiveness.

Person: I think I’m permanently stuck somewhere between “If you mess with me I’ll fight” and “If you mess with me I’ll cry.”

Person 1: It was implied! Person 2: What’s implied is your inability to accept that fact that I’m right!

Person 1: I got lazy because I was eating Pringles. Person 2: She values Pringles more than me.

Person: Yo, you be the crazy ex girls they be talking about in memes.

Person: I swear (persons name) if I hooked up with squidward in your dream your subconscious and I need to have a little talk.

Person: You get to die, and you get to die! Everybody gets to die!

Person: How do you just add a child?

Person 1: Look at this ink based pencil. Person 2: A pen?  Person 1: This egg is all broken. Person 2: It’s like you then, you both broke under the pressure.

Lakshmi: Don’t force your opinion, voice it.

Person 1: If I where a fruit, which one would I be? Person 2: Sushi. Person 1:… Sushi isn’t a fruit.

Person: I mean it’s not straight up “Yo come here I’m gunna kill you.”

Person: Bye gays, bye (other girls name).

Person 1: No (person B) stop. Just shut up. You’re making me loose brain cells. Person 2: But… Person 1: No. Just no.

Person: Stop. That is non-consensual pizza eating.

Person 1: Cheese is not a vegetable! Person 2: Well it’s not a meat either! Person 3: Guys… It’s dairy.

Person: Idiots have priority over just regular dumb people

Person: God melted the polar ice caps just to make it rain for Noah then refroze them. I don’t know (kids name) I’m not god!

Person: You and I will go out, and leave them to their raw fish rolled in sea salad.

Person: Does anyone else get really energized when they change their room? Just me? Okay.

Person: I hope you know I will diss you guys to the end of the earth.

Person: Bruh talk to (person’s name) I don’t know sh… *notices teacher looking at her*…niahhh.

Person 1: The thing is, I don’t want to be 80 that’s rough. Person 2: Then just die at 50.

Person: You’d be scrambled eggs with hair.

Person: Seeing you two fighting, it’s like seeing a piece of light fighting a black hole.

Teacher: What can you tell me about probability? Student 1: I hate it. Student 2: Dont you mean you? Student 1: Yes both.

Person: My brain has the dumb I’m sorry

Person 1: If my first word was no, I’m assuming that’s foreshadowing for them my family disowns me after I renounce religion and systemic abuse. Person 2: Or…. You just need to make sure your last word is yes. Person 1: Yes to what though? Person 2: ‘Are you dying?’ Yes.’ Pessimism, just your style. Person 1: That’s true.

Person: My parents don’t message me, they’re the type of people who CALL. Where did I get my social anxiety from??

Person: Well guys it's been great knowing you I’m just going to drown now.

Person: I figured out a new diet regime, it’s called sleeping until noon and just not eating breakfast.

Person: The f on my birth certificate was the doctor paying their respects.

Person: Chocolates with raspberry filling are the sole reason I’m still alive.

Person 1: Isn’t Latin a dead language? Person 2: You’re a dead language!

Person: Hydrate before you diedrate.

Person 1: you have a son named Spider-Man? Person 2: what noooo! Person 3: well don’t expose her!

Person: That awkward moment when you just really don’t care about people.

Person 1: (Person 2) and I will be over here with my virgin margarita and her water. Person 2: Hey! I want apple juice! Person 3: Why are you not drinking (Person 1)? Person 2: Because she’s to single, and also she’d strip. Person 1: Woahh! How dare you assume that I’m not drinking because I’m to single?

Person 1: Ya know, I think I’m going to have to jazz hands my way through hell. Person 2: All of us will.

Person: Brown town children, y’all find someone in India?

Person 1: Wow you have the best backup singers. Person 2: I only hire the best, at least 5 stars in yelp. Person 1: Well good because that’s the sound they’re making.

Person: The cold kills everything, it’s like my heart.

Person 1: Remember the rolls I brought to school last year that I used to give you? The ones with paneer and the really good spices? Person 2: Yah? Person 1: This is not at all the same thing.

Person 1: What’s stevia? Person 2: It’s like sugar but no.

Person 1: Yeetus Skelettus. Person 2: Fetus Deletes? Honey, that’s called abortion.

Person: Anything for you. That’s what you said. Anything for you. But when I ask for just one bite of your pasta? No!

Person 1: I've written 1,300 words and don’t have a thesis statement or topic question Person 2: Yeah, you need to figure that out.

Person 1: you know I had a dream that you where in a romantic relationship with a toaster. Person 2: wasn’t that your relationship with (ex’s name)? Person 1: you’d have more chemistry with a toaster.

Person: Can people read colors? Cause I am ooo.

Person: It’s like hands but medusa

Person: You look like a cardboard jellyfish that’s brown

Person 1: Two of us like boys. Person 2: We all like boys. Person 1: Two of us like ONLY boys.

Person: you’re like a reverse plant. You convert oxygen into carbon dioxide.

Person: Shhhhh. I’m not in physics, let me be dumb in peace.

Person: Why are you laying down like some greek god, get up you brown child.

Person 1: Do all of you just think you’re going to be single? Person 2: I already am why not keep the streak going to get a high score?

Person: and now cracks of light are coming out from around the sides like some sort of computer Jesus!

People 1 and 2: Rock Paper Scissors Person 3: shoot me please.

Person 1: not since 9/11 you can’t. Person 2: dang. You just tossed your whole country just to prove a point. I’ve never been so proud.

Person 1: what is an angle of depression? Person 2: it’s my life. Person 1: no it’s you because it’s not straight.

Person: Boom. Lesbians.

Person 1: Well what if two rocks just washed up at the same time and humans. Person 2: Evolution.

Person: Watermelon isn’t good anymore, I swear its just water with food coloring.

Person: You being dumb makes me want to correct you, sos too being dumb cause I’m on vocal rest.

Person: well (persons name) who have you a mouth?

Person: Teachers that grade late work deserve all the love and cookies and cake in the world.

Person 1: honestly I just want to die right now. Person 2: same. Literally same.

Person: I just feel like a single molecule lost in space.

Person: who’s gunna stop me? God? Damn him to hell.

Person: the line is not actually straight it’s like (students name)

Person 1: It’s your favorite sleep deprived gay. Person 2: But I’m my favorite sleep deprived gay. Self love. Person 1: We Stan.

Person 1: Why do you have a tool? Person 2: Because my hair is moist.

Person: eating lead was an otherworldly experience

Person 1: I have everything stolen from me 2: at least you have the tiniest bit of dignity left 3: what dignity? 1: exactly

Person 1:( holding up katsup) does this go on salad?

Person:I’m turning red! Me! A brown girl!

Person: I’m not trying argue that we should date, I’m just saying.

Person 1: what’s your biggest turn on? Person2 : a light switch Person 2: or then leaving.

Person 1: what is the most attractive retire on someone Person 2: my own face

Person: you’d be that one bar do white chocolate that just sits in the feidge because no one wants it

Person: that’s like saying I’d rather see your shirt than your face.

Person: why would I shut up when I can shut (kids name) down

Person: Subtle. Gay. Vibes. I’m telling you.

Person: just watch me write my ee on all the reasons why nick caraway is gay. Just watch me.

Person: Why are you stereotyping. What if the body doesn’t want trucks, what if he wants to be a fairy.

Person: being ace is basically just eww no but like forever.

Person: Stop trying to science your way out of being wrong.

Person: even if you did ask me out I’d still say no so then you’d even be rejected by a trash can

Person 1: you can’t read cheese color. Person 2: yellow?

Person 1: Think about it like you’re brown Person 2: She is brown Person 1: Then act like it

Person: You’re not an ugly frog, you’re a beautiful human being. Person: I am. Very very dumb. And also. Bisexual.

Person: I was thinking of something smart but then I forgot what it was.

Person: I want to skip the crush phase and just make out with someone.

Person 1: The only way to get into the Holland family is to marry in through Paddy. Person 2: (Person 1’s name) this isn’t the royal family.

Person: Omigod you looked like the human version of squid ward.

Person: I want to be smart. Where can I learn smart stuff?

Person: But plant the seed and smoke the weed and chop the cane.

Peeeson 1: that is the definition of meter? Person 2: about 3 feet. Person 1: okay thanks America

Person 1: who’s Tom Holland? Person 2: Spider-Man you uncultured swine!!

Person: I am not a children

Person: Ohh dang yeah forgot chickens existed for a while

Person: Hey! Don’t narrate my water!

Person: I don’t read water.

Person: Think of it as a relationship. If you and your ex break up they are salty but you profit because you wanted to end it but if you end it weak, then y’all will argue back and forth and get nowhere with ending it while still exchanging insults.

Person: You know those really sexual mattress adverts?

Person: Oh please, you have the sexual appeal of an easy bake oven.

Person 1: weed is a gate way drug Person 2: YOURE A GATEWAY DRUG!

Person: (first, middle, last name), I love you to the end of the earth. But you are a daft child.

Person 1: She’s like that type of girl. She’s the long paragraph white girl. Person 2: Well that’s a niche if I’ve even seen one.

Person 1: swing you two fight is like watching two ants fight. Person 2: you friking piece of bacteria!

Person: I’m just an intellectual.

Person: I will murder your face off.

Person: that’s like a kilometer tall.

Person: It’s weird when I pet you horizontally.

Person: to be honest I thought those were rocks in a jar for the longest time. Turns out they weren’t.

Person: does she have a brother or gay tendencies

Person: I’m going to slap your hand like it’s a fricking spider.

Person: I like your face better blurry.

Person: every night at about midnight someone starts googling astrology

Person: I will kick you. I will murder your soul.

Person 1: I’m just going to marry a millionaire. Person 2: Where are you gunna finds a millionaire in this economy?

Person: Welcome to my tea party, there isn’t any tea to drink, but we have a lot of it to spill.

Person: Yah, it was something about sex or something.

Person: You’re all uncultured swines.

Person: I’m about as straight as a sine curve.

Person 1: They’re not Oreo’s you dumb head Person 2: I know that dumber head. Person 3 :Shut up dumbest heads

Person: As an ex foetus i can say with authority that if my mother had aborted me i wouldn't have known nor would i have given a fuck

Person: I’ve just accepted I’m going to fail this test. I’ve gone through the 5 stages of grief already.

Person: Yes I’m blind that’s why I need glasses fool.

Person: what the fork do you want you little son of a biscuit.

Person: Anyway now I’m taking Tylenol PM and I’m going to actually sleep tonight that’ll be fun.

Person: I need all the hoodies. ALL OF THEM.

2 notes · View notes

abbi-normals-brain · 4 years

Text

A Credible Threat

An interview between a human from Australia, and a highly credulous alien tasked with cataloging and rating potential threats and hazards throughout the galaxy. Derived loosely from a recent writing prompt I saw lurking Reddit. I don't post there, so here it is.

"We had a war with them, you know."

The human puts the "cigarette" to his mouth again. The smoke activates the extractors, which are calibrated to remove all toxins from the atmousphere almost as soon as they appear. You scroll through your notes with one tentacle, looking for a mention of whom he's referring to.

"A war? With the...the large criminal faction typically referred to as 'The English', I presume? I understand your people were exiled from--"

The human interupts you with a harsh laugh, like the sounds made by the dogs you'd unsuccessfully tried to interview earlier in this experiment. You make a note to re-open the issue of whether these sounds may constitute a spoken language after all.

"A 'criminal faction'! Ha, that's a good one! But Nah, mate. I didn't mean England. I mean the damn emus."

"...emus?"

"Emus." Ash falls from the glowing tip, and you nervously check your notes. Who let him have that thing? It must constitute some kind of hazard rating. The preliminary analysis from the lab decribes the item as 'a thin tube of bleached fibrous material containing dried plant matter of the Earth genus Nicotiana which has typically been impregnated with preservatives and other compounds. Nicotiana is very toxic in large enough doses, and alters neurochemical makeup with consistant exposure, but it is vanishingly difficult to expose oneself to these conditions unintentionally, particularly in a well-ventilated space. One end is hot when in use, but the items were judged largely harmless and placed in the lowest threat category.' Hm. Fine. Doesn't seem right, but the lab technicians generally know what they're doing.

"Expand on this, please."

"They're bloody emus! What else is there to say?! You mean to tell me you guys went cruising around in your little UFO grabbing up randos from all over Australia--"

"We actually took samples from an evenly distributes pattern of points across the surface of your world."

"And NONE of them told you about emus?!"

"No."

The human snorted and shakes his head. You enter a few notes, waiting for him to continue, and when he doesn't, you do.

"You are the first subject to mention them. Frankly, the first to mention war with an non-human animal at all, and I can't say I'm not suspicious of your claims."

"Suspicious? Mate, it's just how the place is. First thing people think of when they think of Australia."

"The Galactic Travel Guide is familiar with many of Earth's most dangerous predators outside of yourselves. We've heard about the lions. We've heard about the hippos, and how they're actually much more dangerous than the lions. We've heard quite a lot about the moose. We've even heard of your screaming, spitting black and white geese. We've even heard of the small population of flightless dragons with necrotic saliva. But the idea of creatures such as these attempting to make war on the dominant sapients of the planet--"

"It was a little more than an attempt, mate," the human muttered.

"You don't mean to suggest--"

"Yeah. Yeah, they won."

"..."

"Twice."

"Is it something about your treatment aboard ship that makes you so obstructionist in these interviews? You know that if you simply answer our questions about the hazards your species navigate on your planet, we will return you to your home. Most of our other samples have completed this task, been mindwiped of the experience, and returned to their normal lives."

"Nah, the food's great. The room's comfortable. I'm not 'obstructionist'. I'm just tellin' you what's out there."

"And what else is there?"

"Kangaroos."

"Go on."

"Long tail. They can stand on it a little. Hops along on its back feet as fast as a car, but can't move backwards. Massive, vicious sharp claws too. Tall as a man, almost, and punches like a freight train. And they breed pretty fast, enough they're pests in some parts."

"Pests as in, an animal populous enough to cause damage to human settlements?"

"Yeah, they put up special fences in some places to keep them out."

"Fortifications?! Just for these creatures?!"

"We also got'em for crocodiles."

"We've heard of them before, from a subject in..." you check your notes, "Egypt."

"Ours are bigger. And meaner. World famous for it, really."

"So you say."

"And I bet that guy didn't tell you the kicker about crocodiles. If you're looking for a threat rating, well... See, they just...keep growing. Most of them come in at an average size, but sometimes there's one....as long as they have enough food to support themselves, they literally never stop growing, AND they don't age like you and m--well, like me. So they could hypothetically get to be older than dirt and bigger than a bus if you fed 'em enough."

"Right. Moving on. Setting aside macrofauna, how would you describe the toxicology profile of your land? Insects, plant and fungal life, etc?"

"Extensive! World famous for that too!"

"Of course you are."

"It's not all bad. Some of our animals carry their babies inside--"

"Yes, we're aware of the ordeal that is mammallian reproduction and would thank you not to bring it up."

"No no, the marsupials. Like the kangaroos. The babies are born as just this tiny fetus that crawls by itself into its mother's pocket until its got hair and stuff."

"So now you're saying the kangaroos wear clothes?"

"No, the pocket is in the skin."

"For Glob's sake, if you think I'm such a fool that I'd enter this in the GTG databases--which 100's of bargillions of S'zezdars rely on for their very lives as they attempt to avoid the many deadly threats in the galaxy--"

"Can't be that deadly out there, if you're this scared of kangaroos."

The thick mane of barbed spines down your back rattled against each other as they rose up straight--"like a porcupine" a different human subject had said. You were starting to lose patience.

"Human." you said with a measured firmness that made the human pause and look warily at you, shifting eye contact between your various ocular organs as they bulged, pulsing with pale yellow light. "What the GTG does may seem silly to you, or pedantic, or useless. To be quite frank, this is because you as a species live on a tiny ball of spittle and haven't even been to the bottoms of your own oceans yet. Out here, in the vastness of all space, where the species like us who have earned the privilege, this is a literal matter of life and death. Living, thinking, sapient being in numbers that your species literally can't comprehend depend on accurate up to date information on the unimaginable array of threats that await them off-world."

"Mate, I'm sorry, I'm really not here to condescend. I'm actually trying to help you."

With a conscious effort, you pull your spines back down into a relaxed position. They make a single simultaneous clacking sound, like an old mechanical lockbox.

"Then please give my work the gravity it deserves."

The human put the "cigarette" in his mouth again, and exhaled thoughtfully., giving you a curious look.

"...so, uh. I take that means you don't wanna hear about the platypus?" You're about done with this subject. He's been holding up the experimental process for days. His claims get more and more outlandish and obtuse with each interview. Clearly you're not going to get accurate information about this subject's natural environment from the subject himself. An away mission will be necessary to verify details first hand.

Your tentacles flex and curl nervously. But what if what he said was true, or at least had a grain of truth to it? You consider it for a moment and discard the idea. If the location were really that dangerous, they would be downplaying it to exaggerate their own power over such a hostile environment. Clearly they're doing the opposite, trying to exaggerate the danger. Or more likely, fabricate dangers completely. He must know the land has no natural defenses and doesn't want to be overrun by hostile Galactic faction. Or maybe they just want adventure tourist dollars--this is for a travel guide after all. You decide in an instant that you're calling his bluff here and now.

Either way, this subject is being ejected from the study post-haste. You release the thin panel of a screen you'd been taking notes on, and grasp the microphone of the voice COM in your desk firmly among your suckers.

"Guard." you say flatly. A heavily armed and armoured S'zezdar slithers into the room immediately. "Take this one for mindwiping and send him home. We're going to have to check out the local flora and fauna on the surface ourselves." You distantly worried about the tongues-lashing your supervisor would give you about it, and about how you handled this subject in general, but getting out on an away mission again would be worth it.

The guard looked surprised.

"Without even a preliminary threat rating for the area?"

"Don't worry. I'm expecting no problems at all."

The guard grabbed the human by one of his upper appendages. The other appendage crushed the synthetic foam filter of his "cigarette" device into the table. The human didn't resist as the guard pulled him up out of the chair. Instead, the human stretched out its mouth. Sideways. You almost feel like it could reach his ears if he tried. You've seen no record of this facial expression in humans. You don't like it. It shows too many teeth.

"A'right, bye then, mate. Good talkin' to ya..." The human... (you cast about for the word for a moment) laughs. As the guard drags him to the medical bay, he calls back once more over his shoulder.

"Good luck with the emus!"

#writeblr #australia #emu war #emu #playpus #crocodile #kangaroo #alien #interview #ufo #My writing

3 notes · View notes

vladamsandler · 7 years

Text

Too Good To Be True

Prompt by oresamawesome: “Robbie makes a truth ray and tries to use it on Sportacus but it ends up backfiring and either affecting Robbie or both of them and they end up accidentally confessing feelings.”

Word count: 3274

Hat… ground… ears… pointy…

Robbie’s nervous glances flick up and down between the blue hat lying on the ground and Sportacus himself. His ears to be precise.

“Elf,” Robbie blurts out. Not quite a question, not quite a statement, but some sort of accusation therein between. Sportacus is an elf?

The hero and villian of LazyTown were standing frozen in front of each other after Sportacus’ latest acrobatic feat somehow jostled his hat and goggles clean off his head, landing at Robbie’s feet, who had been spying on the blue kangaroo from behind a tree. Whether or not Sportacus happened to have decided to show off his new trick-flip in the general direction of the poorly concealed villian was neither here-nor-there now that his deepest secret had been suddenly revealed.

“Um. Gotta go!” Sportacus quickly snatches up the offending accessory and sprints away in a blur of white, blue, and flushed red.

Robbie feels a surge of some nameless emotion. Anger? Annoyance? Wonderment? He glances around the park, still unmoving. No one seems to be around to have seen what he’d just seen. Good. Good? Why does it matter that Robbie is probably the only person in town now that knows this incredible fact about the local hero?

Robbie scowls and storms off in the direction of his lair. It’s definitely annoyance. Robbie needs to think over this new information. Perhaps there’s some way he could use it against the overactive elf, maybe even drive him out of town once and for all!

After Robbie reaches one of the entrances to his underground home in the outskirts of town, he hops down the steep metal chute and is clumsily deposited on the orange armchair in the center of his lair. Swinging his legs around to right himself from his awkward landing, Robbie finally gets comfortable and taps his fingers together under his chin.

So the great Sportaflop isn’t the honest “slightly-above-average hero” he’s lead the citizens of LazyTown to believe! Robbie KNEW Sportacus’ athletic abilities were too good to be true. It all made sense now, the hyperbolic hyperactivity, the ridiculous robo-blimp, the “sugar meltdowns” (really, who faints at one bite of a candy apple?). Robbie could feel the beginnings of an evil plan stir in the back of his mind. This was very sensitive information that he now held over the hero. What would the children think to hear what Sportacus had been hiding from them all these years? Their local inspiration was never even human, the stunts he paraded could never be replicated by anyone here, regardless of Sportacus’ assurances that all it took was dedicated practice and hard work.

Robbie’s new scheme begins to unfold itself in his mind as he realizes what it must have been like for the elf to integrate himself so carefully among the humans living here. The normal people in LazyTown must seem like they’re moving in slow motion for Sportacus. He probably thinks them all below his idea of physical prowess - and reasonable level of intelligence for that matter, never catching on to the blatant ruse that Sportacus only ever needed that dumb hat to hide!

Robbie hops out of his chair in glee, clapping twice to call down a chalkboard. Explaining as he draws, the villian delightedly illustrates his new infallible plan.

“First! I’ll build a truth ray to use on Sportacus in order to ruin his reputation in LazyTown! He’ll confess his inhumanity to his beloved friends, revealing that he’s been lying straight through his teeth to all of them for years!” Robbie grins wickedly and waves the chalk around as he presents his crudely drawn figures to the empty room.

“Then I’ll seal his fate by prompting him to confess his true feelings about those pathetic brats he’s always hanging around. He’ll tell them they’ll never be as strong and as fast as he is, no matter how much they train and practice!” Robbie clenches his fists in triumph. “Lastly, the townspeople will finally turn against Sporta-goody-two-shoes and drive him out of LazyTown - FOREVER!” Robbie stands with his arms raised over his head and a maniacal grin on his face for a moment or two before clapping again to dismiss the chalkboard.

“Time to build a truth ray!”

Sportacus paces the floor of his airship, anxiously trying to come up with a plan of action, hat and goggles safely returned to the top of his head.

He knows. Robbie KNOWS.

He drops to the floor to burn off his nervous energy with clapping pushups.

“Okay Sportacus,” clap, “just calm down,” clap, “this isn’t the end of the world,” clap, “sure elves are traditionally supposed to hide their identity among humans,” clap, “but that was just because of some old superstitions,” clap, “besides, I can trust Robbie can’t I?” Sportacus stops doing pushups and stares at the floor for a second with a pained expression. He jumps up and begins squatting furiously.

“Okay so who knows about Robbie Rotten. But at least he’s my friend. All I have to do is go talk to him right? Explain the situation, convince him to keep this to himself.” Sportacus pants with nervous exertion. “Robbie will understand.”

Sportacus stops squatting and barks, “WATER.” A water bottle quickly flies into his open hand and after a few swigs, Sportacus resolves to go down to pay Robbie a visit.

“Robbie’s my friend,” he quietly assures himself as he descends the rope ladder under the airship, “he’ll understand.”

Robbie holds his newest masterpiece aloft in the light. The contraption was a small purple gun with a square handle and a sleek rounded barrel that tapered to a point in the front with three small green rings at the tip.

“I’m a genius,” Robbie whispers, misty eyed.

He awkwardly pins the gun under is arm as he ascends the ladder to the surface. He probably should have designed a holster before he left but he was simply too eager to finally put his plan in motion and rid the town of that bouncing blue menace once and for all!

Pausing underneath the main entrance hatch to his lair, Robbie considers the implications of what he’s about to do. This secret is something only he and Sportacus knows. Why would he want to share it with anyone? No one else in this retched town deserves to know what Robbie was smart enough to discover on his own! He feels privileged to be privy to such personal information about the hero.

Robbie shakes his head and growls. What is he thinking? This is his CHANCE. He can finally get rid of Sportacus like he’s always wanted!

He opens the hatch and crawls out, ignoring the uneasy feeling that last thought gives him. He shoves it down with the rest of the feelings that he prefers not to examine on a regular basis. He’s still caught up in his own thoughts as he carries the raygun towards the door in the billboard that conceals the main entrance to his lair. However just as he’s in range to reach for it, it swings open with surprising force, knocking Robbie backwards and sending the raygun up in the air.

Sportacus peers around the doorway to see Robbie on the ground leaning against the hatch to his lair, looking dazed. Before he can move forward to help him something crashes on the ground between them and they’re blinded by a flash of bright green light.

Robbie lowers his arms after the light disappears and forlornly gazes at the smashed raygun on the ground.

“Look at what you did you stupid elf! You broke it!”

Sportacus winces at the words Robbie hurls at him and crouches in front of broken machine. “What is it?”

“It’s a raygun I built to trick you into confessing your true identity to all the citizens of LazyTown so they’ll turn against you and force you to leave town forever!” Robbie pops his mouth closed and stares wide-eyed at the elf. Oh no.

Sportacus raises his eyebrow, confused at the sudden burst of information, but unsurprised to hear about another one of the villain’s schemes to get rid of him. “Robbie, are you okay?”

“Yes I’m fine… What’s it to you?”

“Well you looked like you fell pretty hard… Besides, I’m always worried about you, Robbie.” Sportacus stands up straight, eyes wide. Did he just say that??

Robbie looks up at Sportacus, cheeks red. The truth ray! It must’ve released a burst of energy when it broke, capturing both he and Sportacus in its effects! He moves to stand, slapping away Sportacus’ hands when he reaches forward to assist.

“Robbie, what’s going on?” Sportacus asks slowly, giving Robbie a hard stare to conceal his nervousness at what he suspects is the situation.

Robbie crosses his arms and looks away. “Obviously when the gun hit the ground, the truth ray that was meant to be concentrated out of the front of the barrel was released in one big burst. We must’ve been both hit by the effects…” Robbie trails off, embarrassed and worried.

“Well… Do you think you can fix it?” Sportacus asks carefully. He’s a little disappointed that Robbie’s first reaction to learning his secret was to try to use it against him to get him to leave town. “I’m a little disappointed that you’re trying to use my secret against me to make me leave town again, Robbie.” He stops talking and looks up at Robbie with a look of surprise. “I didn’t mean to say that! I was just thinking it!”

Robbie ignores the twinge of guilt at hearing that Sportacus was disappointed in him. “The ray will probably make us say whatever we’re thinking so you’d be best to try to keep your mouth shut while I try to fix this.” He gathers his broken machine off the ground and turns to retreat into his lair. As he opens the hatch and begins to climb back down with a look of consternation, Sportacus steps forward.

“Wait Robbie, we still need to talk about… what you know now,” he looks down at the descending figure in the hatch, “Can I come in and speak with you down there?”

“You’re always welcome in my home Sportacus,” Robbie blurts without thinking. He stops climbing and scowls up at Sportacus’ face leaning over the entrance. “Uh - I mean - NO - go away!”

Sportacus smiles at him and chuckles, “You can’t lie to me any more Robbie! If I was always welcome, why haven’t you ever invited me over?” He begins to climb down after Robbie. “You know, I think this is actually the perfect time for a conversation.”

Robbie mutters to himself about imposing sports elves as he reaches the floor and moves to set the ruined raygun on his workbench.

After Sportacus steps down, he turns to move toward the villain. “Robbie… I’m going to need you to keep this to yourself. The people of LazyTown can’t know I’m… not human.”

Robbie crosses his arms again. “I don’t understand why it’s some big secret, you look much better without the hat on anyway.” Robbie slaps a hand over his mouth and blushes. He must’ve been thinking of Sportacus’ shock of blond curls again. They were quite a sight to behold for the first time.

Sportacus smiles, his face warming a bit, but slowly becomes more serious as he explains, “If word got back to my commune that I revealed myself to the humans here, the elves would force me to return and erase all memory of my existence in LazyTown. I wouldn’t be able to protect the children anymore.” Sportacus face falls as he confesses the depressing truth. “The elders of my commune forbade us to reveal ourselves to any humans we encounter in our travels, in case it ever were to put our society in danger of war or capture.”

Robbie taps his chin, considering everything Sportacus tells him. “Force you to return and erase any memory of your existence in LazyTown? What makes you think that wouldn’t be exactly what I want?” Robbie looks at Sportacus with a challenge in his eyes, retreating to the comfort of his vindictive role in such uncomfortable circumstances.

Sportacus shoulders slump, losing hope. “Please… Robbie.” He gazes into the other man’s eyes and speaks softly, “I don’t want to leave this place. LazyTown is my home.”

Robbie breaks, seeing Sportacus’ bright blue eyes dulled by his pleading expression. He drops his arms. “Oh alright, I’ll keep it to myself. Just get that mopey look off your face, I don’t actually want you leave town either.” He slaps his hand over his mouth again.

Sportacus immediately perks up and grins at his companion, moving across the small space between them to swiftly crush the lanky man in a hug. “Ah-ha, so the truth comes out! Why are you always trying to get me to leave town, Robbie, if you don’t actually want me to go?” He leans back and smiles up at Robbie, still clasping his arms.

Robbie remains stock still through the embrace and wriggles his arms out of Sportacus’ grasp at his questioning look. The wealth of conflicting feelings he has for the handsome hero begin to bubble up his throat, the effects of the ray no doubt. Robbie’s eyes bulge and he holds his breath hoping to avoid any catastrophic confessions. The two men stare at each other for a moment, Robbie’s eyes wide, Sportacus’ eyes narrowing at his suspicious silence.

“Robbie, you know my deepest secret. Whatever you tell me now will be in total confidence.”

Robbie’s lungs burn and he can feel tears pricking the corners of his eyes. Finally he bursts out, “I'VEHADFEELINGSABOUTYOUEVERSINCEYOUARRIVEDINLAZYTOWNANDIDIDN'TKNOWWHATTODOABOUTTHEMORHOWTOADDRESSTHEMSOIJUSTTRIEDTOAVOIDITALTOGETHERANDGETTINGRIDOFYOUSEEMEDLIKETHEBESTWAYTODOTHAT!” - all in one breath.

Sportacus takes a step back at Robbie’s exclamations. “Wait what? Slow down! You… have feelings for me? Robbie??” Both men’s faces are red now. Robbie’s hands fly up, clasping over his mouth to physically stop another flood of words from escaping again.

“Robbie… I have feelings for you too?” Sportacus squeaks out the confession, voice picking up at the end like a question. Where did that come from?? Wait, hadn’t he always known this? Sportacus takes another step backward and stares at the ground in disbelief. He hadn’t mean’t to blurt out that response, but now that he’s said it, it felt like a weight had lifted off his shoulders. It seemed so right and natural to say aloud. He has feelings for Robbie! His friend - his best friend!

Robbie drops his hands, no longer needed as he’s now completely speechless. Sportaflop… likes him back? His eyes flick over to the broken raygun on the table. He tries to recap everything that has happened between the two that could’ve lead to this moment. He thinks of the first day he saw Sportacus, that twisting feeling in his stomach when he saw his smile for the first time. He supposes he knew all along what he was feeling, but squashed it down again and again, hoping it would just go away as soon as Sportacus left town. He could never get him to leave though.

Robbie thinks of all the knowing smiles on Sportacus’ face when the children discovered Robbie under his disguises. The strong grip of his arms whenever Sportacus saved him from falling, never releasing him until Robbie asked him to. Had Sportacus really felt the same way about him this whole time? He looks up to see Sportacus looking back at him with wide eyes, a grin slowly spreading on the elf’s face.

“Robbie… Have I ever told you how handsome you look when you’re embarrassed?” Sportacus is full-on grinning now, allowing the effects of the truth ray to run through him unhindered.

“Nope. We’re not doing this now.” Robbie turns away and crosses the large room to his toolboxes in the corner. If he repaired the raygun and managed to reverse the effects before either of them say anything more, perhaps they can just forget any of this ever happened. Things would go back to normal and Robbie wouldn’t have to think about the elf’s suggestive eyes and cute, pointy mustache. He loudly digs through his collection of wrenches and screwdrivers to drown out his betraying thoughts. It was just the affects of the truth ray! That’s all it was, he wasn’t thinking these things of his own accord. Of course not, Sportacus is his nemesis! As soon as he fixes the stupid gun he can go back to figuring out how to get rid of him again and forget all about this.

“Robbie,” Sportacus drawls from the other end of the lair, “I hate to see you go… but I love to watch you leave!” He manages to finish the sentence without outright giggling, but it was close. He’d always wanted to say that to Robbie. The villian had such a nice figure, especially in that skin-tight suit of his. He was having so much fun with this, giddy with the knowledge that Robbie liked him too!

Robbie bangs the back of his head on an upper shelf of his tool closet and whips around. His face flushes even redder than it already was when he sees Sportacus has taken off his hat and goggles, pointed ears revealed for anyone to see.

“What do you think Robbie? Maybe I’ll leave my hat off when I’m around you from now on.” Sportacus smiles mischeviously and leans against one of Robbie’s workbenches with his arms crossed.

Robbie glares and stomps over to stand in front of the other man. “You think you’re cute don’t you? Well you are but -” Robbie clamps his mouth shut in embarrassment. He can’t get one sentence out without saying exactly what comes to mind when he looks at Sportacus. “What - what are you doing.”

Sportacus gently touches Robbie’s gelled coif and speaks softly, “I wonder what your hair would look like without all this product in it. I bet it would feel soft, I would like to run my fingers through it.” He can feel his thoughts tumble straight out of his mouth but he just smiles lovingly up at the tall man. It feels so freeing to be completely open with someone like this for the first time. He no longer feels the need to hide anything from the other man anymore.

Robbie’s face heats up at Sportacus’ words and his eyebrows furrow in annoyance, “Two can play at this game, elf.” Robbie sticks both of his hands in the shorter man’s hair and is suddenly lost in the feeling. He hadn’t expected Sportacus’ hair to be as soft as it was. It smells like apples. “Apples…” Robbie mumbles, distracted as he run his hands through to the shorter, darker curls on the back of Sportacus’ head. “Are… you purring?”

Sportacus’ eyes had slipped closed when he felt those long fingers on his scalp. He brings his hands up to Robbie’s waist and just savors the moment.

Robbie sighs, “We’re really going to do this aren’t we. You… actually want this.”

Sportacus slowly opens his eyes to see the nervousness in the other man’s face. “Robbie,” he says with a serene smile, “I honestly think I’ve always wanted this.” His eyes slip closed again as he leans forward, tipping his head slightly.

Robbie watches Sportacus close the gap between them and concedes to the feeling of lips on his own. They kiss slowly, delicately. A new first impression. Robbie moves closer to Sportacus, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Perhaps this is how the two would always have ended up, truth ray or not. He liked to think so. Everything had felt so right since Sportacus first placed his hands on his body.

They continue to hold each other as they break apart and look into each other’s eyes.

“I suppose… It wouldn’t be so bad if you… stuck around.” Robbie relents with a coy smile. The sound of Sportacus’ laughter was like music to his ears.

#I WROTE ANOTHER FANFICTION #writing is so much fun! I thought it would be more difficult #anyway I can't believe how good it feels to finally be able to contribute to a fandom like this #thanks again for all the support for my last fic #I really hope you guys like this one!#sportarobbie #lazytown #sportacus #robbie rotten #rachartrek

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belardtheworld · 4 years

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[vc_row type=”in_container” full_screen_row_position=”middle” scene_position=”center” text_color=”dark” text_align=”left” overlay_strength=”0.3″ shape_divider_position=”bottom” bg_image_animation=”none”][vc_column column_padding=”no-extra-padding” column_padding_position=”all” background_color_opacity=”1″ background_hover_color_opacity=”1″ column_link_target=”_self” column_shadow=”none” column_border_radius=”none” width=”1/1″ tablet_width_inherit=”default” tablet_text_alignment=”default” phone_text_alignment=”default” column_border_width=”none” column_border_style=”solid” bg_image_animation=”none”][vc_column_text]Long sandy beaches, vibrant cities, breathtaking natural landscapes, amazing food… It’s no wonder Australia is on the bucket list of most travellers.

Read: 253 Inspirational Travel Quotes from REAL Travellers to Fuel Your Wanderlust

Before you pack your bags and make the long journey down under, check out our list of handy Australia travel tips below to ensure you get the most out of your experience.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row type=”in_container” full_screen_row_position=”middle” equal_height=”yes” content_placement=”middle” bg_color=”#ededed” scene_position=”center” text_color=”dark” text_align=”left” overlay_strength=”0.3″ shape_divider_position=”bottom” bg_image_animation=”none” shape_type=””][vc_column column_padding=”no-extra-padding” column_padding_position=”all” background_color_opacity=”1″ background_hover_color_opacity=”1″ column_link_target=”_self” column_shadow=”none” column_border_radius=”none” width=”1/4″ tablet_width_inherit=”default” tablet_text_alignment=”default” phone_text_alignment=”default” column_border_width=”none” column_border_style=”solid” bg_image_animation=”none”][image_with_animation image_url=”20793″ alignment=”” animation=”Fade In” img_link_target=”_blank” border_radius=”none” box_shadow=”none” max_width=”100%” img_link=”https://www.belaroundtheworld.com/day-trips-from-reykjavik-iceland-with-preposterous-views/”%5D%5B/vc_column%5D%5Bvc_column column_padding=”no-extra-padding” column_padding_position=”all” background_color_opacity=”1″ background_hover_color_opacity=”1″ column_link_target=”_self” column_shadow=”none” column_border_radius=”none” width=”3/4″ tablet_width_inherit=”default” tablet_text_alignment=”default” phone_text_alignment=”default” column_border_width=”none” column_border_style=”solid” bg_image_animation=”none”][vc_column_text]TRAVEL HACK:[/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]As always, I find the best way to source for the cheapest flights is by checking on Skyscanner & Momondo.

As for accommodation, I found HotelsCombined to provide the most comprehensive, unbiased comparison of different hotel sites. 🙂 Airbnb is another reliable one for accommodation. Use this link to get $62 off!

Protect yourself against mishaps & misadventures with World Nomads travel insurance.

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Australia Travel Tips: Planning for your Australia trip

Australia is massive.

If you’re used to travelling around compact continents like Europe, you may be in for a bit of a shock when you start looking at distances in Australia.

Unless you’re planning a road trip, which includes a series of places you want to visit along the way, think twice before committing to travelling between major cities by road. Local flights aren’t necessarily cheap; however, they are often still the best option, especially if you’re only in the country for a limited time of a week or two.

Plan your itinerary wisely to avoid backtracking and try to visit a few places close to each other at each major stop, rather than jumping all over the country. I cover some of the useful general planning tips from being on the road so much in my extensive post on my 50+ Europe Travel Tips too.

It can be expensive.

Not quite as bad as it once was with the weakening Australian dollar, however travelling in Australia is still far from affordable for most people.

Eating and drinking out will set you back a bit and accommodation isn’t cheap either. My best bet would be to go on Airbnb if you’re travelling with more than 2 people.

Get $62 discount off on Airbnb

Make sure you work through a rough budget before you go so know what to expect.

Don’t worry too much about snakes and spiders.

They’re pretty much non-existent near the cities. Even if you do head out into the bush, they’re likely to make themselves scarce well before you come into proximity with them.

With that being said, if you are heading out into nature, ensure you’re aware of the specific risks relating to that area and time of year e.g. bushfires in summer.

Choose your season wisely.

Little Sahara on Kangaroo Island

The southern parts of Australia i.e. Tasmania, Melbourne, Adelaide, can get bitterly cold during winter. Cities will also be a lot less lively than in the warmer months and mountain ranges will be covered in snow and inaccessible in some places.

Northern parts of Australia such as Queensland experiences seasons that are more tropical in nature.

On the other hand, many people will find travelling in these areas unbearable in summer due to the searing temperatures and wet, muggy heat.

The best time of year for you to visit will depend on what season suits you, where you want to go and what activities you want to do.

Learn the language.

And no, we don’t mean English. Similar to New Zealand’s lingo, Australia is famous for its very own “Aussie slang,” and part of the experience of visiting this country is playing along.

Keep an ear out for the following (or try them out for yourself!):

G’day: hello

Doona: quilt/duvet

Grog/booze: alcohol

Mozzies: mosquitoes

Thongs: flip flops

Tea: dinner

Hot chips: french fries

Dead horse: tomato sauce

Check your luggage.

In order to protect its local ecosystems, Australia takes quarantine very seriously. There are hefty fines on offer for anyone who chooses to ignore their strict regulations.

As a general rule, ensure both your checked luggage and carry on bags contain no food, plant (including wood) or animal products.

Shoes or sportswear with visible dirt attached will also need to be cleaned before travel.

Be aware that there are also local state quarantine laws so be sure to do your research if you plan to travel interstate.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row type=”in_container” full_screen_row_position=”middle” equal_height=”yes” content_placement=”middle” bg_color=”#ededed” scene_position=”center” text_color=”dark” text_align=”left” overlay_strength=”0.3″ shape_divider_position=”bottom” bg_image_animation=”none” shape_type=””][vc_column column_padding=”no-extra-padding” column_padding_position=”all” background_color_opacity=”1″ background_hover_color_opacity=”1″ column_link_target=”_self” column_shadow=”none” column_border_radius=”none” width=”1/4″ tablet_width_inherit=”default” tablet_text_alignment=”default” phone_text_alignment=”default” column_border_width=”none” column_border_style=”solid” bg_image_animation=”none”][image_with_animation image_url=”17454″ alignment=”” animation=”Fade In” img_link_target=”_blank” border_radius=”none” box_shadow=”none” max_width=”100%” img_link=”https://www.belaroundtheworld.com/packing-list-europe-winter/”%5D%5B/vc_column%5D%5Bvc_column column_padding=”no-extra-padding” column_padding_position=”all” background_color_opacity=”1″ background_hover_color_opacity=”1″ column_link_target=”_self” column_shadow=”none” column_border_radius=”none” width=”3/4″ tablet_width_inherit=”default” tablet_text_alignment=”default” phone_text_alignment=”default” column_border_width=”none” column_border_style=”solid” bg_image_animation=”none”][vc_column_text]Pack smarter:[/vc_column_text][nectar_btn size=”small” open_new_tab=”true” button_style=”see-through-2″ color_override=”#f27471″ hover_color_override=”#f27471″ hover_text_color_override=”#ffffff” icon_family=”default_arrow” text=”Best Hardside Carry On Luggage Ever Invented!” url=”https://www.belaroundtheworld.com/best-hardside-carry-on-luggage/”%5D%5Bnectar_btn size=”small” open_new_tab=”true” button_style=”see-through-2″ color_override=”#f27471″ hover_color_override=”#f27471″ hover_text_color_override=”#ffffff” icon_family=”default_arrow” text=”Useful Travel Accessories You Must Have” url=”https://www.belaroundtheworld.com/useful-travel-accessories-must-have/”%5D%5Bnectar_btn size=”small” open_new_tab=”true” button_style=”see-through-2″ color_override=”#f27471″ hover_color_override=”#f27471″ hover_text_color_override=”#ffffff” icon_family=”default_arrow” text=”The Science Behind Packing for Hiking” url=”https://www.belaroundtheworld.com/science-behind-hiking-clothes-what-to-pack-why-how/”%5D%5Bnectar_btn size=”small” open_new_tab=”true” button_style=”see-through-2″ color_override=”#f27471″ hover_color_override=”#f27471″ hover_text_color_override=”#ffffff” icon_family=”default_arrow” text=”Summer Packing List – All You Ever Need for Every Beach Holiday!” url=”https://www.belaroundtheworld.com/summer-packing-list-all-you-need-every-beach-holiday/”%5D%5B/vc_column%5D%5B/vc_row%5D%5Bvc_row type=”in_container” full_screen_row_position=”middle” scene_position=”center” text_color=”dark” text_align=”left” overlay_strength=”0.3″ shape_divider_position=”bottom” bg_image_animation=”none”][vc_column column_padding=”no-extra-padding” column_padding_position=”all” background_color_opacity=”1″ background_hover_color_opacity=”1″ column_link_target=”_self” column_shadow=”none” column_border_radius=”none” width=”1/1″ tablet_width_inherit=”default” tablet_text_alignment=”default” phone_text_alignment=”default” column_border_width=”none” column_border_style=”solid” bg_image_animation=”none”][vc_column_text]

Australia Travel Tips: Food and Drink in Australia

Big Breakfast

Steak and restaurants are a no-no!

Asian food in Australia is (surprisingly) amazing.

There are not many places in the world where you’ll have access to this quality of Ramen, Pho, Tom Yum and Daal within a few hundred metres from each other. Asian restaurants will range from cheap-eats (often BYO alcohol) through to fine-dining Asian Fusion.

Make the most of it!

Coffee a big deal.

In fact, Melbourne is often referred to as one of the coffee capitals of the world (and Sydney isn’t far behind).

Read: Where to Stay in Sydney, Australia

The most common type of coffee is a flat white, which consists of espresso with micro foam. It’s similar to a latte but with less total volume and less micro foam, meaning a higher proportion of coffee to milk.

Try and get along to some of the local coffee roasters for a memorable coffee experience. Check out the best Sydney cafes and best Melbourne cafes I’ve compiled!

Eat where the students eat.

If you’re on a budget, try and eat near the local university. There are usually a few cheap eateries down the side streets.

Sushi is a popular takeaway meal, as is Banh Mi (Vietnamese baguette with meat or tofu filling).

Read: 10 Hippest Saigon Cafes in Ho Chi Minh that are Definitely Worth a Visit

Kangaroo is on the menu.

And it’s not just a gimmick for tourists.

Kangaroo is tasty, nutritious, and also one of the most ethical and sustainable meat options in Australia.

If trying Kangaroo is of interest to you, your best bet is to find a local pub that gets good reviews for its food and check out their menu online to see if it’s on offer.

Drink some craft beer.

Craft beer has taken off in Australia in a big way over the past five years or so, with them now producing beers that earn attention and accolades on the global stage.

Fortunately for you, most pubs will have these on tap, so you’ll have no shortage of opportunities to try them out.

There’s also a great number of craft breweries with city locations that are worth visiting. Adelaide brewery, Pirate Life, recently opened a brand new facility near the port which should be on the list for any beer lover.

Try the wine.

European settlers to Australia brought with them generations’ worth of wine-making knowledge and the Australian climate came to the party with perfect grape-growing conditions.

Standouts include Shiraz and Riesling from South Australia and Pinot Noir from Victoria.

If you want to visit the vineyards and maybe do a bit of a cellar door tour, make your way to one of the following:

Hunter Valley (New South Wales)

Barossa Valley, Clare Valley, Mclaren Vale (South Australia)

Yarra Valley (Victoria)

Margaret River (Western Australia)

Read: 12 Astonishing Day Trips from Sydney, Australia

Check out the local farmers markets.

These can be a great place to mingle with the locals and check out the regional specialty produce. They are also an excellent place to stock up on groceries for some home-cooking.

Tipping isn’t necessary.

In nicer restaurants (AUD30+ per meal) tipping is common practice, however everywhere else it’s not necessary. The minimum wage in Australia is very good by most standards and tips are appreciated but not expected.

Australia Travel Tips: Accommodation in Australia

The centre isn’t always the best.

Generally speaking, in most Australian cities, the centre is for business and the real action is all in the inner suburbs. Don’t fall into the trap of staying in an expensive CBD hotel.

Read: Perth Accommodation vs Fremantle Accommodation in Australia; Which is Better?

Live where the locals live.

Many hostels and other accommodation are usually located in the cheaper parts of town, in proximity to clubs and bars.

Venture a little off the beaten path in most Australian cities and you’ll find a wide range of unique and fascinating suburbs, fairly un-visited by most travellers.

Read: 5 Lesser Known Places You Should See in Sydney

In Melbourne for instance, give Fitzroy, Brunswick or Northcote a try, or check out Sydney’s Surry Hills or Newtown.

Australia Travel Tips: Activities and Attractions in Australia

Watch a game of sport.

If you really want a taste of Australian culture, head along to a local sporting event.

In Melbourne, Adelaide or Perth, try and get to an Aussie Rules (AFL) game.

In Sydney, you’ll also have the option of a rugby league and rugby union.

Football/ soccer is also popular, as is cricket and tennis in the summer months (try and time your visit with the Australian Open!).

Get outside.

Australia is a nature-lover’s dream.

From the Overland Track in Tasmania to the Blue Mountains in New South Wales, to the Grampians in Victoria, Australia’s natural landscape is diverse and epic. Hikes are generally very well sign-posted and camping facilities are excellent.

Read: Australia's Spectacular Road Trip Sights!

Glamping at Jervis Bay

If you don’t have the gear for camping, there are a number of glamping options popping up across the country, as well as a range of cabins which are best booked through Airbnb.

Get $62 discount off on Airbnb

Don’t climb on Uluru.

One of Australia’s most popular tourist attractions, Uluru (or Ayers Rock), is an impressive natural rock formation located in central Australia, near the town of Alice Springs.

Many tourists choose to climb up the rock despite the request against climbing it from local Aboriginal people.

This is not only disrespectful but is also causing irreversible damage to the sacred site.

Respect the wishes of the traditional custodians of the land and observe the beauty of this place from ground level.

Drive across the Nullarbor.

Considered somewhat of a rite of passage amongst Australians, driving across the Nullarbor desert from either East to West Coast (or vice versa) will give you a taste of Australia that few people get to experience.

A secluded beach on Kangaroo Island

If you’ve got extra time up your sleeve, head down to the coast in the southwest corner of the country for some of the most beautiful and untouched beaches on offer.

Do your research first and make sure you’re prepared with ample food, water and petrol.

You’ll also need to ensure your car rental company is fine with a one-way trip (many people take campervans for this journey).

Read: Driving In New Zealand The First Time?

White water rafting in Cairns

Whatever you choose to do for your Australian adventure, always be open to experiences and make the most of whatever opportunities come your way![/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row type=”in_container” full_screen_row_position=”middle” scene_position=”center” text_color=”dark” text_align=”left” overlay_strength=”0.3″ shape_divider_position=”bottom” bg_image_animation=”none”][vc_column column_padding=”no-extra-padding” column_padding_position=”all” background_color_opacity=”1″ background_hover_color_opacity=”1″ column_link_target=”_self” column_shadow=”none” column_border_radius=”none” width=”1/1″ tablet_width_inherit=”default” tablet_text_alignment=”default” phone_text_alignment=”default” column_border_width=”none” column_border_style=”solid” bg_image_animation=”none”][text-with-icon icon_type=”image_icon” icon_image=”22821″]Sam is a writer and editor at The Adventure Lab who spends whatever free time he has trail running, hiking and mountain biking. From Canada to New Zealand to Nepal, Sam has completed many of the worlds “great walks”. He is very passionate about his hiking gear and is always looking for ways to shave a few extra grams off his pack weight.[/text-with-icon][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row type=”in_container” full_screen_row_position=”middle” scene_position=”center” text_color=”dark” text_align=”left” color_overlay=”#ffffff” overlay_strength=”0.3″ enable_shape_divider=”true” shape_divider_position=”bottom” bg_image_animation=”none” shape_type=”mountains”][vc_column column_padding=”no-extra-padding” column_padding_position=”all” background_color_opacity=”1″ background_hover_color_opacity=”1″ column_link_target=”_self” column_shadow=”none” column_border_radius=”none” width=”1/1″ tablet_width_inherit=”default” tablet_text_alignment=”default” phone_text_alignment=”default” column_border_width=”none” column_border_style=”solid” bg_image_animation=”none”][vc_text_separator title=”Read other useful Australia posts!”][recent_posts style=”slider_multiple_visible” category=”australia” columns=”2″ button_color=”Accent-Color” hover_shadow_type=”default” order=”DESC” orderby=”modified” posts_per_page=”8″][vc_column_text][mailchimp][/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Insider Australia Travel Tips Revealed! Long sandy beaches, vibrant cities, breathtaking natural landscapes, amazing food… It’s no wonder Australia is on the bucket list of most travellers.

#Adelaide #Inspiration #Melbourne #Sydney #Tasmania #Travel

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kriterium3-blog · 6 years

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The whole thing couldn’t be more straightforward to set up, either — just plug it into an HDMI-equipped monitor or TV, or an iPad, and it’ll load up and get going within a half-minute.And yes, that says iPad: Through the "OSLinx" app, you can turn Apple’s slate into a more portable monitor or, more appropriately, a touch-enabled Windows tablet. It’s decidedly less smooth through there, but again, if you really need to access certain files on the go, it works.The Kangaroo is far from the only mini PC around, and there’s obvious room for it to get better. For the money, though, and for all the functionality it packs, it’s a solid deal. If you’re throwing your eggs in the Windows basket, it should prove convenient. If I had to recommend one Bluetooth speaker to most people shopping on a budget today, I’d pick the JBL Flip 3. It’s the most well-rounded portable speaker I’ve tested for less than $100, and, considering that price, it doesn’t have any glaring, deal-breaking weaknesses.

As a thing you carry around, the Flip 3 is convenient. Its cylindrical frame is compact and rugged, with a decent sense of heft and a pleasing fabric material that make it feel not-cheap in the hand. There’s a handy carrying loop attached to its side, and a generally straightforward set of volume and playback controls blended into its body. And while it’s not waterproof, it is water-resistant — I’ve used it numerous times in the shower without issue. Unless you need something to float in the pool, that’s enough.The whole thing pairs quickly over Bluetooth 4.1, and can link up to three devices at once. So you can, say, stream music from your laptop, then take a call from your phone without have to disconnect either. (It’s perfectly decent as a speakerphone, by the way.) Depending on how loud you play, its battery lasts about 10-12 hours, which, again, is totally fine. All the basics are down pat here.Sound is what matters, though, and it’s there where the Flip 3 is most compelling. Everything still has to be qualified with the phrase “for a small Bluetooth speaker,” but keeping those limitations in mind, the Flip 3 plays loud, full, and balanced. The mids are clean, the highs are crisp, and the lows have more presence than most other speakers of this size.

It’s still too small to get anything in the way of really deep sub-bass, and it’ll distort slightly at absolute max volume, but that’s standard procedure with these things. Stick to less complex tracks at moderate-to-high volumes — as you should with any cheap, tiny Bluetooth speaker — and you’ll see the Flip 3 is competing with pricier options like the UE Boom 2 more than peers like the UE Roll, which is better for the outdoors but is neither as loud nor as lush. My only real complaint is that it sounds better when placed horizontally, but scoots around a bit if you play it too loud in that position. Beyond that, there just isn’t much the Flip 3 gets wrong. You could argue that NFC or aptX support would be nice, but neither of those are out-and-out necessary. Otherwise, your only question is if you need a more rugged device, like the Roll, or if you can pay extra for something superior sounding, like the Bose SoundLink Mini II. If you’re in the middle, though, the Flip 3 gets you a little bit of everything.Whether for work or pleasure, traveling shouldn’t be stressful. But if you’re the type who can’t stop using things with screens — i.e., if you’re a human in 2015 — you may have no choice but to lug along an overflow of gadgets. That might not only include your basic smartphone, tablet, or laptop, but also a handful of accessories needed to keep them up and running.

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If that sounds like a problem you’ve had before, the HooToo TripMate Elite should help you pack a little lighter. Priced at $38, it’s an all-in-one device that simultaneously serves as a portable battery, USB wall charger, travel WiFi router, and a network-attached storage (or NAS). It packs all this into something the size of a glossy black MacBook charger.Considering how many mini routers, NAS devices, and chargers there are that can’t do their one job right, it’s easy to be skeptical of something that claims to replicate all of them at once. The TripMate, however, actually does work. It isn’t the best at any one of its functions, but it’s serviceable enough at each to come in handy on the go.As a battery and wall charger, it works fine. It has a foldable AC plug and two USB ports built-in — one at 1A, the other at 1/2.1A — and carries a 6,000mAh capacity. That’s enough to charge most smartphones about twice, and most tablets around halfway. When you need to charge the TripMate itself, you just plug it into an outlet.

The router and personal cloud features are a little more exciting. Of the two, the router functionality probably works best. It’s altogether simple to set up, and when plugged into a modem, gets close to your maximum internet speeds. There’s an ethernet port on its back, so if you’re staying in a hotel room with just a cabled connection, you can just hook it up here and make it wireless. The device can also act as a bridge for multiple wireless connections at once. And with a little ingenuity, you can use it to get something like a Chromecast working over previously inaccessible networks.As a NAS, the TripMate isn’t quite as robust. The TripMate app you need to use to access your stuff is still a bit clunky, and the device itself doesn’t have any included storage. If you’re willing to fiddle around with it, though, it’s at least possible to hook a hard drive or microSD card up to the device, then stream video or music files you have on it through the cloud. It’s consistent enough to be useful on a long flight or train ride.You can find individual batteries, wall chargers, NAS devices, and routers that perform better, but then you have to keep track of four separate things. Given how much this thing does for its size (and price) — and given the 4.4 rating it has on Amazon after 2,600 user reviews — the TripMate is a great companion for any tech-savvy traveler. There are lots of extremely cynical theories over why this might be, not least because driving demand for Lightning-based headphones would be a very good thing for Beats, an Apple subsidiary.

Regardless, Apple insists that removing the headphone jack was an act of "courage;" a bold willingness to sacrifice the comfortably familiar and push us toward the wireless-headphone future. Plus, ditching the classic 3.5 mm jack apparently makes room for bigger batteries and better cameras inside the iPhone 7 and 7 Plus.So let's take Apple at face value here. Apple's move toward wireless headphones is a super-important signal of how it's looking at the next wave of technology — and hints at the next wave of computing to come.But first, it's in Apple's best interests (and maybe your own) that they teach you to never take your headphones off, ever.The keys to the whole affair are Apple's new $159 AirPod wireless headphones. Technically, they're standard Bluetooth earbuds/microphones, so they'll work with any old Windows PC, Android phone, or Blackberry you may have lying around.But the real magic of the AirPods come when you use them with a Mac, iPhone, or iPad: Thanks to Apple's proprietary W1 chip, the AirPods smoothly and seamlessly pair with any iPhone or iPad in range, provided they're running iOS 10. When the new macOS Sierra comes out later this September, it'll work with that, too.

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Most importantly of all, the AirPods lack any kind of physical buttons whatsoever. The only control on the AirPods, at all, is a touch sensor that activates Siri, Apple's voice assistant. It's that one-touch access to Siri that best showcases Apple's ambitions for the AirPods, for Siri, and for how people should be using computers.Apple has spent a lot of time and energy making sure people know that next week's iOS 10 update comes with some big upgrades to Siri, including the ability to access and use other apps. In other words, you'll be able to use Siri to send money with Square Cash or reply to a WhatsApp message, as well as control your Apple HomeKit-compatible smart appliances, all with your voice.From there, it's a natural progression: The AirPods make it easier than ever to use Siri.Siri lets you use your apps without taking your phone out of your pocket or checking your Apple Watch. So, ideally, you'll keep your EarPods in even when you're not listening to music.Since they don't have wires, AirPods are way less obtrusive than your usual headphones. And because they sync with all your Apple gadgets, it means that same one-touch access to Siri can follow you from phone to tablet to laptop. Siri's on the Apple TV, too, so it seems reasonable that it'll get AirPod syncing one day.

This has a big business benefit for Apple, since it means you need at least an iPhone to take full advantage: Without access to Siri, the EarPods are just Bluetooth headphones. It's an important driver to keep people in the Apple product family as the smartphone boom grinds to a halt.But it's also a tantalizing glimpse at the possibilities of using Siri to spend less time staring at a screen and more time living your life.That increased reliance on Siri is Apple's short- to medium-term vision. In the long-term, though, Apple can get really weird with it, in some exciting ways. Slate's Will Oremus recently referred to the AirPods as "Apple's first ear computers."From the earliest days of the PC, all the way through the modern smartphone, computing has usually relied on some kind of display, whether that's a TV, monitor, watch face, or touchscreen, plus some kind of keyboard, physical or virtual.It's been great, and it works, but the fact remains that the most natural way humans pass information to each other is by sound, speech, and music. And as we've seen from the sleeper success of gadgets like the Amazon Echo, there's a real demand for tools that can deliver information just by talking to you — especially among nontechnical people.

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