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hazeltoheraugustus · 1 year

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I drink back my poison words

That cut deeper than any sword

I hit myself again and again

As the pain melts and flows

My pillow absorbs the hot tears

Leaking down my eyes

Night brings my worst fears

All my demons come to life

Cut, cut and cut

That's all I ever do

Red oozes out

It sings my song of doom

Keep torturing me like this

And I become your slave

The blood becomes my water

As I swim in pain

The familiar warmth feels good

The sting feels like home

The harm continues

As the night grows cold

~shubhaa

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hazeltoheraugustus · 2 years

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All roads lead to you, even those I took to forget you.

~mahmoud darwish

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hazeltoheraugustus · 2 years

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hazeltoheraugustus · 2 years

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hazeltoheraugustus · 2 years

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No matter whether we like it or not, there will always be someone who gets left behind, someone whose love will be left wanting. Nothing happens the way we want it to be. You like him? Ahh, but he is not the one for you. You will have to live with someone who doesn't even know you the way he does. But alas, he will never be yours, because he has found that someone with whom he wants to argue for the rest of his life.

Life is so unpredictable. I used to believe everyone finds someone. Everyone has a soulmate. But the reality hit me hard and now I'm lying on the cold ground. I can't move or breathe, because I need him to survive. And he, will never be mine. Because there is something that lacks in me. Something he needs. Something he desires. The thing is, we never know if we will find the love of our life or, like our parents, we'll be confined to that house of formalities. I don't want stable love, I need the burning passion, that even burns after my death, on my grave.

I feel that burning passion for him, everyone feels it for someone. But if one is lucky, in fact, the luckiest of all, then maybe, the person they love, might love them back. One day. One day.

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hazeltoheraugustus · 2 years

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As fall knocks on the door

In his honour

All the leaves fall

And those proud trees

Stand naked and tall

Flowers droop down

Like guilt-ridden children

Everything goes still

As growth is thralled

Nostalgia hangs in the air

Felt by all

The words of my soul,

I scrawl

Children play in yellow fields

As sons of the soil wait for spring

The land is deceived

With a promise

No one seems to keep

She wants her children

In her lap

And wants to see them grow

But all she gets, are dried leaves

The burden of loss hangs in the air

Felt by all

The words of my soul,

I scrawl

~Shubhaa

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hazeltoheraugustus · 2 years

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I am no master in this art of love. Yet, every time I see you, my heart contracts, my lungs forget to make oxygen, my hands shake like some bird struggling to get out of a cage, my legs go limp like marshmallows and my soul shatters only to get glued up again. I try not to show how badly I want you, how strongly I adore you. When you play with your raven-coloured hair, I get mesmerized by the beauty of it. When you smile with your eyes, I hold myself back from touching you. You are fire, my darling. And like a moth, I am drawn to you. You are the sky, and I am an injured bird. I see you talking to the moon at nights and I can’t help but wonder how lonely you must be. In these past few years, I have learnt things about you that no one knows. How you like your space, how delicate your hands are, how much obsessed you are with the colour olive, how you like your tea cold and not hot (I question you for that every day), how you like to go on the roof once everyone is asleep and gaze at the moon, for you think only she can understand how lonely you actually are, how you smile when someone mentions any great poet, like you know all of his works line by line, word by word, how you have this diary that you carry around everywhere– to cafes, to bookstores, to that sunset point that you adore so much and finally, how you carry infinite love in your heart, that has now started to turn into grief. Oh, my dear love, oh my world, I would light myself up on fire if you were cold, I would serve my soul on a plate to you, if you were hungry, I would become a paper, if you ever craved to write. Oh, the things I would do for you are indescribable and unspeakable. Just know, if all the red vanishes from this world, I would pour my blood in a glass for you to paint.

~shubhaa

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hazeltoheraugustus · 2 years

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hazeltoheraugustus · 2 years

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I am Lilith. The greater demon, the monster of night. I don't hide in the shadows but dance on the blood bathed streets with my hands raised to the hells above. You ask me if I have ever loved and I laugh, like a fallen angel, beautiful and deadly. Yes I have loved. The sun, the light. But the night is too much in love with me, so I stay. My home is the moon, I own it. We drink champagne from skeleton cups, me and the moon, grieving our love for the sun. But oh, he is pure and monsters like me must love the dark nights.

Who do I love?

//excerpt from a book i'll never write//

~shubhaa

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hazeltoheraugustus · 2 years

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His touch burnt on my skin

And I, craved for more and more

It was a sin to want him

For, he was never mine to hold.

~shubhaa

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hazeltoheraugustus · 2 years

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He asks me what is bigger than love

For a while

I stay quiet

And I think

What IS bigger than love in this world?

Those bittersweet memories

Start popping up in my head

You asking me to get out of the bed

To make you a cup of coffee

And me playing dead

Oh, how much i miss

The comfort of your lap

I remember us

Your hand reaching out for me

In that afternoon nap

You feeding me with your hands

These bittersweet memories

Between you and me, stand

Looking at us

Thinking where it went downhill

And I open my eyes

Hoping it would be just a dream

But you are looking at me

With pain and grief

And so I say

"Bigger than love, are the memories"

~shubhaa

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hazeltoheraugustus · 2 years

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hazeltoheraugustus · 2 years

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I wanted to say a lot of things. But all I could speak was his name.

~Shubhaa

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hazeltoheraugustus · 2 years

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hazeltoheraugustus · 2 years

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The storm was gone. Then why did I feel uneasy? Your absence was like a knife twisting in my soul. I didn't know what to do, or how to forget all the memories that we had made. Won't lie. I still wished maybe you'd come back. Maybe, just maybe you missed me too. The distance hurt you as well. Didn't it? Melancholy became my best friend. We talked about you over drinks. She made me drink a bottle of champagne and I confessed that I still missed you.

She said that she had visited you too that evening and you weren't in a good shape. I wanted to ask more questions, but stopped myself. The longing wasn't going away. I don't think it would ever go away. The pain kept stabbing my heart, crushing my soul. You never returned. You will never return. And so will I keep this pain as the token of our love. Darling, you will never be forgotten. You'll always be loved.

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hazeltoheraugustus · 3 years

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After days of exuberance

When Grief knocked on the door of my heart

I welcomed it

I cleaned my body

Threw away the chunks of peace

Left in my arms

I turned my bones into graves

And my flesh into graveyard

It was a quick process

Sweeping the smile off my lips

Melancholy was back in her old home

She took a few sips

Of my blood mixed with the tears of my soul

Darkness smiled at me

With mocking eyes

Taking away the pieces and bits

She took pleasure in my cries

And once again

My heart screamed silently

As contentment said its goodbyes.

~Shubhaa

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hazeltoheraugustus · 3 years

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Broken and incomplete.

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