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chaneajoyyy · 3 years

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Who’s writing new BP fics? It’s feeling kinda dry out here

Oh you gotta keep looking cause they out here!!!

NEW/NEW-ISH BP FICS

- winter wonderland series (25 days of christmas challenge), Chunk series (updated)- @ghostfacekill-monger

- you better watch out series (25 days of christmas challenge), baby daddy series- @teakturn

- couple’s getaway series, message therapist erik, erik and you have relationship issues that need to be resolved, incubus erik x reader series, gamer erik humiliates his girl, christmas wishes & mistletoe kisses series, all vampire eriks stories, drug dealer erik gets ino an entaglement with a married woman series, erik teaching his daughter how to love her dark skin, assassin erik and his girl london make up for lost time- @nahimjustfeelingit-writes

- all i want series- @thadelightfulone

- the jabari that stole christmas, misfit wakandans, er*k in a box, t’challa’s 12 days of christmas, the jabari-cracker, christmas even will find erik, the coffee prince series (updated), song of stevens (not new but do read), will the bell ring? (updated)- @eerythingisshaka

- chrismasing with you- @ceeverse

- mama is wild, how he acts when he’s sick: m’baku “mama’s other baby’ jabari, peaches, how he acts whe he’s sick: erik “i can do it myself” stevens, how he acts when he’s sick: t’challa i’m fine” udaku, final decision, body pillow, the most dangerous game- @akimi-youngblood

- his majesty, my king series; he chosen bride, a jabari wedding (not so new but do read), he wasn’t mad enough for me, clean-up woman, i wish you would, mistletoe series, dadmonger series- @snowbaku

- what if...?, without question, polaroids, the temple series, queen shuri, wh you are series- @tchallasbabymama

- biggest puddle ever, crab legs, play fighting, the fight, let me tell you a story, stop, got it bad, what would you do series, sugar babe series, poetic justice, messing w/ erik while he’s playing the game, erik had a reputation of being a fuckboy. tha meant you had to be careful around him. guard your heart. it was a solid plan until he came in and ruined all your plans- @dreamingofmilk

- our christmas, how to feel, warm colors series (not so new but do read), thanksgiving w/ mr. stevens, valentine’s gumbo (sequel to thankgiving with mr. stevens)- @mermaidchansons

- she likes me, huh? nuh uh, cute enough to eat, screams in the night series (updated), open up, autumn leave & cookie thieves, one way or another, mr. telephone series, you ain’t hear that?- @supersizemeplz (check masterlist)

- anniversary blues, the chosen one series (updated), the sweetest thing series, in the light series- @devnicolee

- the arrival series, boxer!baku series (updated), fireflies and foot races, sessions- @muse-of-mbaku

- 85 “you can’t cum unless i say so” & 89 “you’re drooling. you really don’t deserve it though, do you?”, seventy-three, “29, 75 & 82″, “5, 13, & 69″- @marvelmaree

- subconscious- @freddiefcknmercury

- shameful series- @iwrite4poc

- only forever series, what lies beneath series,bunme takes new york (part of space between series)- @dramaqueeenamby

- letters for my love series, just for this moment series, she’s mine series, abiona au series- @sarcastic-sunshines

- redemption series (updated), starlight series, dress up- @airis-paris14

- new start series (with “reader meets erik who is a single father”), round 2 series, reader sleeping over a erik’s, “erik and reader are opposites- like she’s so nice, calm and soft, and erik is mean... as always and his family is so confused on how they’re dating”, imagine where erik and the reader has heir firs date and when he get home he’s super excited and tell his friends how happy and in love he is?, erik with goofy reader on a mission, reader catching erik using her expensice skincare products afer she told him it’s off limit, hug time, erik ghosting after a fight with his gf & she hears he’s out acting single so she decide she’s single too. but he shows up & all like “who said we broke up?”, reader is not answering her phone and erik is worried/irrirated because the day before he was mean to her and she left his house crying?, an imagine where erik finding out the reader is powerful (like a mutant), erik & mbaku fighting over the reader, found you series, erik helping his need tomboy bff get a makeover & he starts to get jealous of how much attention she starts to get from other guys, vulnerable soft erik where he and the reader get into an argument and later that night he’s trying to sleep but can’t because she’s refusing to come to bed with him and he has to be vulnerable with her and tells her “you know i can’t sleep without you”?, “short imagine or headcanon ha erik finds out his girlfriend has more body’s then him or his a mafia leader, something between those lines. but instead of being upset for her not telling him he’s actually cool with it”, erik comforting the reader after finding out she lost a loved one and he had a good day, reader learns she’s pregnant and comes up with a creative way to tell erik , erik and the reader are set up on a blind date by mutual friends, “reader is studying for her upcoming test and she is frustrated with the amount of studying she has to do. erik notices she has been studying for a long time, and tries to do everything to relax her mind”, erik takes reader to wakanda for the first time, erik sees his girl still sleep with a stuffed animal and by kinda makes fun of her but when she puts it up he sees she struggles withouth it?, “imagine with erik inspired by the somg caretaker by dram and sza, like maybe the reader is feeling a bit ill/nauseous and erik to take care of her”, diaper change, sofboi erik where he asks the reader to marry him, hc of erik being jealous of his girl is too close to t’challa? always texting/wanting to hang out when they visit, back to you series, readering driving erik nuts with cravings & mood swings. ex: interrupting his sleep for food runs only to say she doesn’t want that anymore when he returns & demand something else, “ whatever you’re trying to butter me up for, the answer is no”?, how did he meet his love?, life together, your first time, hurting, fears, sick day, jealous series, when you’re sick, night fights, two lines, opening up, newborn, comfort, some love, insecure, first steps, it’s time series, cool down time, first day back- @killmongerdrabbles

- back & forth- @supremethunda

- baby mama series, again, move, guess, night, nsfw alphabet, bow- @woahitslucyylu

- reactions o their girl’s wap (with erik), erik and reader being petty in the house after an argument- @tastingmellow

- next lifetime series, days off with erik, girls trip series (updated),the way you make me feel- @theficplug

- only then am i human series,a little vacation- @opalsandlace

-faded series, waves series, concrete cowboys series, black boys bloom thors first series (volume 3)- @uzumaki-rebellion

- black tie event- @laketaj24

- genuine, numb- @taterfics

- city boy and his country girl series, wake up, meet the furys- @blackmissfrizzle

- come thru, this lil’ game we play- @writetimes

- in between the lines series- @melodyofmbaku

- him, her and us series; conversations and coffee trips series, dancing around each oher series, mrs., you again series, where are we now?, cold coffee, here we are again series, summer love (could be any of the marvel men including t’challa); love, apps, and attitudes series; give me a reason (search for t’challa x reader)- @iliketowrite1996

- homewrecker series (updated), family reunion- @shaekingshitup

- unexpected things happen in the clucky’s drive-thru, where you going: a quarantine quickie, halloween, delicate series, the best man- @majesticbrownjawn

- i like tha series (updated), shea butter (baby) series @nachtaiwrites

- the spririt of christmas, dentist series (updated), waiting to get home, best friends series, line love series, hell loves satin: tales of a mascochist, tattoo party- @hearteyes-for-killmonger

- uncharted series (updated), metamorphasis series, the remodel series, the boy is mine series (collab with @dashhoney25), sweet heat, quarantine bae, throttle, sugar, toxic, fair is fair, work boo (updated)- @soufcakmistress

- caught up series- @twistedcharismaaa

- homebody series- @truglori

- roadtrip series- @cecereads209

- lights out, a better man- @reelwriter19

- you mean it? series, haunted series- @heykillmongerluhme

- end in flames series, my health- @bvlckgirlmvgix (not so new but do check out!)

***PLEASE HIT ME UP TO ADD YOUR STORIES!!!***

#the bp plug #bp librarian at your service #let’s chat #sip tea #talk fanfiction #black panther fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #new/new-ish bp fics #anonny asks

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androgynousblackbox · 3 years

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Thoughts about the fifth season (spoilers)

Okay, so normally I would make these posts as neutral as possible because I want them to reach anyone who enjoys the show. Even if you are someone that really fucking hates incest ships you can read them and still have an idea of what I liked, what didn’t, etc, without me bringing up that element. You can disagree or agree without being reminded “oh, yeah, he is one of THOSE fans I don’t like” and that is totally fine by me. Curate your own online experience and all that. But this is season is quite literally about the relationship between Rick and Morty, so as a rickmorty shipper I just can’t separate that from what I enjoyed about it and thus I am going to be talking from that position during all of this. If that makes you uncomfortable, that is cool, I get it. You can skip this one if you want. Also, this is going to be a general big mess of thoughts and whatever because I have lots of them so, bear with me. -Some of the shippers I was with on a server will know this already, but from the very first episode I was sure we were going to have two major themes: 1. Rick is a flawed human being, not a god, not a ultra genius who is always destined to be on top of everything and knows how to get out of any situation. Just a man. And that is why he needs other people, which is somethig he had to accept and understand about himself, especially after the fourth season was all about dethroning him as the patriarch of the family and break away the illusions that Beth had about her own father. We have standed too long having Rick win on everything and coming out like a badass, so it’s time to kick him down a bit and let him lose. 2. Morty’s heart is always going to get fucked over, which is something that gets even more explored on the Planetina episode: he wants a place to belong with a person who doesn’t make him feel like the odd one out. Combine the two and my idea was: they want to assure us about their relationship on some kind of way, this is about them and what they feel regarding each other. Probably about why or how Rick became so jaded because why else include Rick freaking out about Mr Nimbus just mentioning Diane’s name and how much he changed, on a first episode no less, if this isn’t something we are setting up to see later. They explicitely brought someone from Rick’s past to talk about that past and make a point to tell us that changed Rick. -So, we have the two major player set up like this: on one hand, Morty aspires for that companionship but he is not willing to compromise his own moral for it, whatever he has left after starting to take on some Rick’s traits. He is desperate for that connection and if that means leaving Rick behind, so be it. Rick will still be there anyway. On othe other hand, Rick also wants that connection and companionship but it’s too disfunctional and can’t make it quite work because there is always a part of him that wants to keep distance. With the alien lady, evne with the crows, it’s all about escapism and pretend like everything is fine, it’s just fun and he doesn’t have to care because they are just having a good time together. He tried to do that too with BP by keeping away the info about his daughter, but he called his bluff because BP knew Rick too much to not see that comic. It’s rebound after rebound because he is missing the one person that can keep him in check, that truly knows what a piece of fucking shit he is and somehow still comes back to him. BP saw that, knew what was happening, and prefered to get the fuck away because he didn’t want to compromise his own values like that either. But Rick doesn’t have that problem with Morty. It truly is Rick and Morty one hundread years because, no matter how fucking bad it gets, they still choose one another. -Now, the way they keep building up this relationship, these connection, even regarding the rest of the family, to me is brilliant in restrospect because it perfectly illustrate how much they have changed from what they were before and what that means. Morty is more independent and less afraid, right, but that doesn’t make him more happier because he is still lonely and Rick is being reminded, over and over again, that he can’t be alone either. -Regarding the way Morty have behaved, I have seen some people being concerned about how Morty is becoming more independent and therefore not relying on Rick as much for anything, so it’s like what is the point of their relationship anymore. And like, to me it makes sense they show because they have already told us on past seasons that Morty has stopped viewing Rick with that wide eyed expression for a long time. He is learning from him and can defend himself, so why does he need Rick at al? The answer is because he loves him. You can read that as platonic or romantic or whatever, but for better or for worse Morty just loves Rick. You shouldn’t love people because you need them, or at least that is not a healthy basis for any relationship. I said this on another post: you cannot make anyone to be your center for your mental health like that, and I feel like they aware of this point, which I really fucking love because it would have been easy as fuck to write any pairing like that. -If you stay for the “Behind of scenes” scenes, the writers talk about how this season is about building trust between Rick and Morty. So it starts with Morty going around cleaning up some of the messes Rick left behind without telling Rick and then fucking the portal gun because he doesn’t trust Rick to not “kill him” to finding out he did that, just like Rick in fact doesn’t trust Morty to not be doing unnecesary bullshit. So Morty, hurt because his suspicions were right, puts an ultimatum and Rick, being the petty fuck we all know him to be, takes it kind because of course he would. -What does Morty does immediately after this? Latch onto another sketchy as fuck older man whose name ends with Ick and hope that is the connection he craves, because after all “we are like brothers now.” So rebound for him, rebound for Rick, rebounds for the crows, rebounds for everyone. Yay. -I know it has been however many years have passed since this show started, and it was obvious for fucking everyone who watched it, but I do really like that they use the exact words for how their dynamic has been: unhealthy, toxic, abusive. Lack of trust, lack of boundaries, secrets. Just straight up calling it as it is. So they have both of them confronting that fact, being aware of it, and to top it all off, make Morty the only being now on their universe that knows everything about Rick, every single thing he has kept even from BP, like the true reason he joined to their guerilla group, and still makes the conscious choice to go after Rick even when, as far he was aware of at least, there was another option. -So, okay, now what, might someone ask. We have put everything out there and we have talked about what is wrong about their relationship, does this mean we are doing the boring healthy bullshit now? Well, nope. Considering that Morty did went out of his way to guilt trip Rick into getting back and Rick admits point blank admits he get it, Morty refusing to demand things be different because he is just desperate... they are still and probably always going to be a condependent mess, but hey, a condependent mess that at least is kinda self aware about it and won’t pull the “I am going to break up with you on a whim” move again, hopefully. I do think and expect some things to change, but only as far their dynamic during adventures goes and regarding the rest of the family, with everyone being on the know that those two are an item neither of them can get in between. Rick is probably still going to want to keep some things in control, he is still not going to express his feelings to Morty directly and Morty is still going to be a little shit that will want for validation that won’t come his way. It’s a shithole house, but at leat it’s their home kind of thing, and personally, that is how I like it. -The “adventures as a metaphor for a relationship so this is not like a real break up” is real funny when you hear the writers literally calling it a break up and a relatonship. Also, the amount of times that they say “my partner”. Like, I am sorry, but how the fuck I am supposed to believe this wasn’t for the shippers, fucking how? Like even if you aren’t one, and you go “it’s a metaphor!! it’s not like an actual relationship, they are not saying they are together as a couple”, that is flimsy as fuck because we have determined already that Rick uses adventures as an extension for all his relationships. There is a intentional paralel between BP and Morty and how Rick treats the both of them, like he would do anything for them but still be kind of a lying piece of shit too, so it’s definitely canon on the sense -Omg, we had miniature cute Mortys who like crayons and also big hot adult Morty, fucking finally. I cannot fucking believe they wouldn’t know the blessing they were throwing to fandom with that one, they know what they are doing. -Rick as a boy dressing on the same colors of Morty could have been a cute little detail, like aww, they are family, so they pass down those colors from one generation to another because family, but fuck all of that, let’s make it creepy and fucked up because why not. But it’s also interesting because if Ricks breeded Mortys and put those colors on them, isn’t that another way of saying “you are connected to us just as much as we are connected to you”? Because they didn’t had to chose those colors, but they did it because it meant something for them. On a very fucked up way, I think they might even feel themselves more fathers to Morty than even Beth, because many of them didn’t cared manipulating her in order to gain more Mortys even if they could just clone them easily. -”You all really are bred for forgiveness”... Not really, or else “Evil Morty” wouldn’t exist and Cop Rick, the good one, would have never been attacked by using the attachment of Ricks against him. But Morty had made his choice and that choice was Rick, and even then Rick cannot fucking believe it so he has to reduce it to his breeding. -So, the finite curve has been destroyed and almost all Ricks were killed, the ones that weren’t coincidentally fucking off to another place just when that happened. That means that now there is true infinite universe where Rick is not the smartest man on the universe, where Rick doesn’t even exist at all, so we may have adventures where other people where the smartest people on their universe and Rick could finally meet his equal or someone even worse. -The final speech of Mr Poppybutthole is kinda the perfect ending to everything, because he is talking avoid being afraid of the people he loves finding the “true” self of him and not loving him anymore, but Morty did that and he still loves Rick and, listen, I have FEELINGS about it, okay. -After exploring this, which was the true only canonical mistery of the whole series, while also dumping off the backstory of Rick so nobody has to theorize about it anymore, it feels like they going two routes: either we are dumping anything about serialized anything, at least for a while, and we are back to just silly adventures with asshole grandpa and traumatized kid, or... we are introducing another big baddie that we are going to drag to hell and back. Maybe Evil Jerry? That could be fun to explore on the show. My bet is on the second option because I think that is the kind of thing that Justin really enjoys doing and that is why it appears on Solar Opposites as well, with the whole Wall as a central points behind all the shenanigans of the aliens. -The only misteries left are: the weird Rick that killed his family, if he wasn’t killed already on the Citadel, and Birdperson reunion with his daughter, for which he might ask Rick’s help in the future when he cools down or maybe Rick gets his daughter back for him on a ridiculous plan to make him return his calls, because that is something he is going to pull. The Jessica thing and her quest for becoming an actual character with her own thing going on. -This finale made rickmorty canon on all the ways it could without having them literally making out willingly, and after Naruto, I don’t think that is a line they are not willing to cross at some point in the future, even if it’s just a joke. They already did with the parasites. I honestly don’t even know how you can watch the show and think “fuck yeah, they hate those ships just as much as I do!”, because with the way the writers talk about it and literally this entire season being nothing but a building up for their relationship, I would have been turned if I didn’t ship it already.

#rickmorty #incest implied #andro is talking

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flooffybits · 4 years

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Idol: Blackpink

Anon: Hi, can I request a BP scenario where the 5th member who is the youngest one is struggling with getting a lot of hate and starts to feel like she’s not good enough to be in BP and starts distancing herself please?

☕buy me a coffee☕

You did your best with keeping your eyes straight ahead despite the feeling of your manager looking at you while sitting at the driver’s seat.

Even though he was driving, you could tell that he was watching you from the corner of his eye and the way he fidgeted next to you was a clear indication that he wanted to say something.

“Oppa, I’m fine.” You decide to end his squirming, but your words only made his frown deepen and a sigh passed his lips. “Are you really? You aren’t usually this quiet.” He states in a knowing tone, but you ignore it the best you can and shrug the comment off. “I’m just tired. You know that we were busy.”

You understood his worries, however, because aside from burning yourself out from all the schedules and practices, you’ve been receiving some not so pleasant words from people all over the world.

Being part of one of South Korea’s biggest girl groups, of course everyone would be watching you and of course they had something to say about you simply because of how you looked or how you acted.

Recently though, due to a hangout with other idol friends, people were quick to make up theories about how you rarely spend time with your members and that you’re often with other people instead. While actual fans did defend you, it hurt when a lot of Blinks were the source of the hate comments you were receiving.

“You know that what they say isn’t true. Just because you’re in a group doesn’t mean you have to confine yourself with only the girls. You’re allowed to have friends.” Your manager reminded you when he dropped you off at the dorm and you offered him a small smile. “Thank you, oppa.”

Exiting the vehicle, you slowly walked into the dorm, your feet dragging against the concrete floor while you kept your head down, hands stuffed in your jacket’s pockets due to the cold weather.

Upon reaching the door, you could already hear the sound of Lisa and Jennie screaming from the other side, probably the latter messing around again. You couldn’t help the small smile that tugged on your lips, but that didn’t last long as you let out a breath and finally unlocked the door to enter, putting your shoes away before quietly walking to your room.

“Y/n! How was the shoot?” Jisoo called out when she heard the door open, pausing her game just so she could look at you. You ended up stopping by your bedroom door to look at her and flashed a quick smile. “It was fun.” You said simply. “I saw Yeri and-”

Before you could say more about your day, Chaeyoung had popped up from her room, squealing as she held her phone out. “Unnie! You have to see this!” She announced and, just like that, Jisoo’s attention was whisked away, making the corner of your lips turn downwards before you decided to just freshen up and stay in bed.

“I wanna see, too!” You heard Lisa yell right when you closed the door gently behind you. Even when you wanted to distract yourself from your members, the ruckus outside and the volume of their voices was just too loud that you felt as though they were mocking you for not being a part of their fun.

Of course, you had nothing against your members. You loved and cherished them deeply. But there were instances where you felt as though you weren’t really part of the circle.

You may work in the same group, but it felt as though you were working with strangers now, compared to when you first debuted. They were often all together while you had to be a few steps behind.

It wasn’t their intention. You know that for a fact because there are still times that Jennie comes to cuddle with you when she wakes up in the morning. Chaeyoung still goes to you when she receives a gift that she finds really adorable. Jisoo is always cooking for you and making sure that you’re healthy, and Lisa still looks at you with the same fond smile on her face whenever you’re together.

But why on earth did it feel like you were never really part of the group anymore? Why did it seem like it that even strangers point out that there’s a gap between you and the four of them?

While staring at yourself in the mirror, you wipe away the lone tear that managed to force itself down your face before you proceeded to clean up and take off your makeup.

After you got changed in more comfortable clothing, you let yourself fall on the bed, letting out a grunt in the process. With your arms extended to your sides, you stared up at the ceiling, thinking back on your relationship with the other four girls and the comments people had about you.

It was unhealthy, which was why you were often reminded not to read them. But there were times that they would slip and like any other person, they still hurt you despite pretending that you’ve never noticed them. And when more of them started to come up, the more difficult it was for you to ignore.

After getting fed up with all the rumors and comments, you’ve just shut everything about the subject out, thus removing yourself from your members just so you could numb out the pain of what everyone was telling you.

The sound of your phone buzzing again made your heart drop because you were already anticipating what it was due to what you received today. But it didn’t change the fact that it left a bitter taste in your mouth when you saw the few more texts people have sent your way on Instagram.

“Give me a break.” You muttered before carelessly tossing your phone aside and grabbing a pillow to place on your head. Shutting your eyes tight, you do your best to keep any sound from escaping your lips while you wept against your pillow.

“Where’s Y/n?” Jennie asked after she finished setting the table and finally took a seat. “In her room, I think. She hasn’t left since she came home.” Jisoo replied while frowning and setting her phone down on the table.

“Can someone call her? She’s probably hungry by now.” The rapper requested and Lisa was already on her feet and skipping over to your room, humming as she did.

And while waiting, the other three just stayed at the table and Chaeyoung played with her spoon. “Y/n has been really busy recently.” She suddenly commented, making the other two look over at her. “We’re celebrities. I think it’s understandable that she’s busy.” Jennie replied confusedly, but the silver haired woman shook her head. “No, I mean, she spends a lot of time outside. We rarely get to spend time together unless we all have a schedule together. But even then, she still feels... I don’t know.”

Jisoo glances back to the direction of your room, spotting Lisa walking back. “Where's maknae?” She notices that the smile the Thai woman previously wore was no longer present, so naturally, her worry set in when there was no sight of you on top of that.

“She’s sleeping.” Lisa mumbled while taking a seat and Chaeyoung glanced at the two with the same look she had earlier. “Did something happen?” She couldn’t help but ask and Lisa nibbles on her lower lip before running her fingers through her short hair. “Well, when I went to check on her, I thought she was just pretending to ignore me.” She explained, her lips pursed together. “When I took her pillow, she really was sleeping but... she looked like she was crying.” She finally says and Jennie sat upright.

“Crying?” She demanded, her protective instincts coming to light when Lisa confirmed that you were, in fact, crying. “She looked so tired, so I didn’t wake her up to ask.” She added and the four of them looked to each other, silently wondering what could be the source of your sadness.

As they started to eat, none of them could think of any possible reasons for you to be crying. You’ve always displayed yourself as a bright and happy go lucky person. It was one of the traits fans loved about you that they considered you to be Blackpink’s happy pill.

Even during the times they cried on stage, you were seen smiling at your unnies and comforting them. The time Jennie cried on tour, you were quick to cheer her up, wrapping your arms around her and playfully dancing with her that she eventually started to smile again even though she cried enough to stain your shirt with a bit of her makeup. Even when Chaeyoung cried at the concert in Australia, you were already waiting for her backstage with open arms.

While you were the youngest among all of you, they had to admit that they’ve never really seen you cry. Maybe they’ve caught you teary eyed in one of your birthday surprises, but that was it.

Suddenly, Jennie’s phone vibrated, drawing everyone’s attention as she answered the call. “Yeri, what’s up?” She asked but hearing more of the girl’s words had ended up making her brows pinch together and her expression seemed to drop even more. “No, she’s just sleeping. Lisa checked on her a while ago.” She replied, quickly checking on the others, spotting them all waiting for her to finish.

“What? No, I haven’t checked anything yet.” She bit her lip before sighing. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll try to talk to her when she’s up.” She nodded even though she knows the other couldn’t see her. “Thank you. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

“What did Yeri say?” Lisa asked and Jennie quickly opened up the app to check on the post the Red Velvet member told her about. Since she hasn’t really logged in for a while, she didn’t know what was happening.

And it looked like the others did, too.

When the comments section finally showed up, they could clearly see that Jennie wasn’t happy by what was on there. But since they didn’t know what she was looking at, they grew a bit impatient.

“Yah! What is is?” Jisoo asked and Jennie let out a huff as she exited the app and locked her phone. “People are such assholes, I swear.” She muttered and while leaning back against the chair. “They’ve been talking about Y/n not being a part of Blackpink, again.”

Chaeyoung and Lisa’s face scrunch up in displeasure while Jisoo scowls. “They’re doing this again?” She scoffed before checking on the comments for herself, wondering just how bad they were this time around.

“But Y/n wasn’t like this before?” It sounded much more like a question instead of a statement and Lisa leaned her head back when she let out a breath. “Or she was already bothered by it but didn’t want to tell us about it.”

“Why would she do that?” Chaeyoung countered, clearly confused.

“Because she doesn’t want us to worry, obviously.” Jennie responded before she stood up. “Where are you going?” Jisoo asked worriedly when she saw the look that was present on the brunette’s face.

Though she was also worried, she didn’t want Jennie to be disrupting your sleep over this issue, knowing full well that you needed to rest after a long day.

“I’m just going to my room, think stuff through.” She replied without turning to look at them. “Can you clean up for me?” The girls understood why Jennie was asking the way she did. She looked after you like an actual older sister even when you were only younger than Lisa by a couple months.

Looking back at the comments on the group’s official page, she had to grit her teeth when she saw all the horrible and nasty comments “fans” have left on the most recent post.

How could they call you all of that when you were nothing but an absolute sweetheart that made her and the girls smile? And thinking back on what Lisa’s said, she couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty that she made you think that you couldn’t let your own guard down just because you were the one holding all of them together.

When she saw people saying Blackpink would be better off without you, she felt tears prick at her eyes just at the thought of not having you around. God, were you thinking of leaving?

She knows that there are idols who end up leaving their groups because of hate.

At that thought, Jennie shot up from her bed and she was quickly making her way across the hall and into your room, bumping into Jisoo on the way there and catching her off guard.

“You said to leave her alone.” Jisoo shrugged her shoulders in response. “I just went to check. I didn’t wake her up.” She answers before pointing over her shoulder where the rest of the maknae line was placing some blankets on the airbeds you all kept somewhere in case you had some friends over.

“You can take the bed. The three of us are staying on the floor, so don’t worry.” Releasing the breath she didn’t know she was holding, the younger one nodded and smiled gratefully before she’s fully entering the room and then making her way over to your bed.

Chaeyoung and Lisa had their heads rested at the edge of your bed, just quietly watching you with sad eyes, almost resembling lost puppies who were looking for their owner. Jennie would have laughed at the sight, but when she noticed your tired face, it reminded her on why she came here in the first place.

“You think we can convince management in taking a break?” Chaeyoung asks softly when she was gently tracing the side of your face with the tips of her fingers, being careful as to not wake you and Lisa rests her chin against her arm. “At the rate we’re at now, I don’t think it’s too far off.” She mumbled quietly when Jennie laid beside you.

Her arm automatically wrapped around your waist and even when with the fact that you were asleep, your body was quick in reacting to her touch as you turned to your side and nuzzled into her when Chaeyoung withdrew her hand.

Seeing you look so drained had pained their hearts because they had hoped to look after you since you were the youngest, but it turned out being the complete opposite where they were even unaware of the things you were going through.

Looking at your slightly smaller frame curled up to her, Jennie let out a sigh as she pressed a kiss to the top of your head. “You’ll be alright, little angel. We’re going to take care of you.” She whispered softly before pulling you further into her.

The next morning, you were surprised to wake up to someone next to you. At first, it made you panic, but the moment your eyes opened, you had calmed significantly to see Jennie’s sleeping face.

But that didn’t make the situation any less confusing.

Moving from under her arm, you lifted your upper body to look around for your phone, only to be, once again, startled when you saw the other three of your group fast asleep on the floor.

Lisa’s legs were draped over both Jisoo and Chaeyoung despite not being in the middle and you wonder how Chaeyoung was comfortable with having both that and then Jisoo’s arm around her neck.

“Don’t go.” Jennie’s muffled groan causes you to look back at her. With her face scrunched up and the way her arm tightened around you, you worry that she may be having a bad dream. But her eyes open right before you decided to wake her and she pulls you back into her.

“Don’t go, Y/n. I need you here.” She whispered and you’re extremely bewildered by her sudden clingy nature. Though she is typically clingy in the morning, she’s never been this clingy where she would actually force you to stay in bed.

“But don’t we have to work?” You asked her. Her response is a huff before her other hand was already guiding your head to her chest, allowing you to hear the steady beat of her heart. “Later. Right now, I need you here.”

It was going to be a bit of struggle getting you to open up about everything, but at the moment, Jennie wants you to know that you’re wanted and needed. If not the company, then by her and the girls.

She was going to let you know that she wasn’t going to let you go so easily. Because even when you haven’t said anything, after she realized the steps you were taking in pulling away from them, there was already a forming doubt inside of you.

And she and the girls would do whatever it takes to get rid of it.

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ailuronymy · 4 years

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Book Club: Tallstar’s Revenge, chpt. 1-9 overview.

Thoughts on the new Windclan, courtesy of famed Erin Hunter impersonators:

“DIRT BOYS!! LET'S MAKE THEM ALL DIRT BOYS!” -- K.

"I understand we've stressed extensively that ALL Windclan love running and are skinny binches and need to be under the sky or they're sad, BUT half the clan has always been buff as fuck and live like moles :) :) we just didn't mention it before because it wasn't important to Harry's journey :) :) :)” -- S.

For this first share, we’ll keep to the questions posted earlier in the week so that there’s some kind of structure to what we’re doing! Please feel welcome to do the same and @ailuronymy + use the tag #ailuronymy writing challenge. Happy reading and I’m looking forward to seeing your feelings about this book.

1. First impressions?

S. better than Bluestar's Prophecy. K. Not as bad as BP but also hoo boy, you peel back the onion and it only gets uglier the more you think about it huh K. Me, reading the book initially: Wow I actually kind of enjoyed this! Me now: I See. I See The Truth.

2. How did you feel reading this section?

S. mostly the usual amount of exasperation! But it was also fun and I like Tallpaw K. About the same! Not as bored as BP, and I do like Tallpaw, so that's a blessing in disguise.

3. What chapter did you find most interesting/moving/effective, and why?

S. probably the one where Heatherstar causes a ruckus and acknowledges Tallpaw's best interests. There was genuinely tension and it was refreshing to have a character in authority actually act reasonably towards Tallpaw. K. I agree, that one had me really excited to read.

4. What chapter did you find least interesting/effective/most frustrating, and why?

S. I honestly struggled with chapter eight. If I have to read too much action being described, I black out. I just find it so boring. That's not actually a criticism at Erin Hunter. I just have a short attention span for people Doing Things that aren't talking, sword-fights, having big emotions, sex, or any combination. And even then, the sword-fights and/or sex still have to keep to a reasonable word limit or I wander away. I'm the worst. I'm literally like a child who only wants to eat sweets, but in written form. S. I forgot basically all of chapter eight for the above reason of being terrible, so that's on me.

K. I have nothing written at all about Chapter 7. I liked seeing the apprentice training being like, at least marginally different than Thunderclan's but also It Sucked Bad Chapter Moving On.

5. Is there a passage that stuck in your mind–for good, or not-so-good reasons? What is it, and why did it stand out? Try breaking it down and analysing what this passage does and how.

S. I actually had a nice time reading about Plumclaw and Tallkit interacting. She was talking him through having his first mouse, I think, and it was genuinely sweet and moving in a way that Erin Hunter's writing almost never is. There was a legit connection and for a moment, I actually believed in these characters as people who lived together and actually have relationships and care. That’s really what I’m about, so it was a pleasant surprise to find in this book.

K. I have two brief passages for different reasons: “He’s my son,” Sandgorse snarled. “I’ll decide his future.” Heatherstar stiffened. “I decide the future of my warriors.” LOVE Heatherstar showing the fuck up. Absolute legend. K. “Tallkit heard worry in her mew. “Is that why we tunnel under the moor?” he asked. “To hide from the dead warriors in other Clans?” — First tunnelling mention! The idea of Windclan taking shelter from/expertly evading the ghosts of their enemies because of their speed is honestly pretty fun, but I don’t trust the Erins with it one bit. K. This kind of legend is something I think I'd much prefer in like, a Watership Down style myth or story? K. But not if Erin's touching it. S. I was like, "oh this is the sickest thing you've ever--no no no no no" K. (oh, and just for fun, one of my other fave quotes was Dawnstripe saying "We guard the edge of the world." That felt cool.)

6. What themes did you notice in these chapters? What motifs or repeated symbolism/description appeared to you?

K. Love is a big one, obvs. K. Also, lots of stories and storytelling? Which feels just like Erin slapping more bullshit in here but like, that feels kinda relevant.

S. I struggled to find cohesive themes in this chunk, except I think division? The division between the tunnellers and moor runners, between Tallpaw and his mum, between Heatherstar and her clan. That's really what popped for me.

K. Oh, and like... expectations. The clan's expectations of Heatherstar, Sandgorse's of Tallpaw, Tallpaw's expectations for himself.

7. How do you feel about the characters, their motivation, their choices?

K. They're like. Not the worst? Lots of them fucking suck, as usual. But I'm at least very happy that I actually want to see Tallpaw succeed and grow. Also Heatherstar and Dawnstripe and Barkpaw are great.

S. I like Tallpaw! That's a lot of projection on my part, but I've found him a lot less grating than Bluepaw (who I also wanted to love). S. One of my first major aggravations in the early chapters is Shrewpaw. He's unbearable, and what makes him so is the one-note bullying. It's the equivalent of reading someone go, "I'm not touching you," in an annoying voice for nine chapters, which I feel is another example of Erin Hunter's habit of repetition. There was less of that in this book than BP, but I still counted a few instances of cats having the same conversation a few times. S. The other cat I can't stand is Sandgorse. My god. That moment when he tells his literal infant son to go cheer up his depressed mother made me just about scream. S. “Go cheer up your mother, child” GO CHEER UP YOUR WIFE, HUSBAND

K. This is where it's gonna get interesting, because I think my fucking senses were dulled by how much Erin fucked up dads last time, because I didn't hate him off the hop!

S. To me, he smacks of a lowkey toxic masculinity. And the kind of emotional manipulation he does makes me [narrow eyes]. S. (I didn't take very good notes about this bit, because I forgot. I only have "Sandgorse is such a loser" but I trust past me's judgement).

K. I strongly do think that my impression of Sandgorse is different if only because I think I was so tired at seeing all the non-existent dads in Bluestar's Prophecy that the fact that he actually has conversations with his son and wife for more than like, a sentence, made me go "Oh thank god" And maybe this too is a bit of a projection, but I sort of initially saw him as like... that well-meaning dad who tries to be nice but still manages to fuck up and not actually listen to what people need at all. Like, the classic stupid dad in a bad TV movie who has A Dream for his kid. Where he doesn't mean to be an asshole, he just thinks he's right and that his kid agrees with him because Why Wouldn't He. So I think I took a lot of his dialogue and actions to be a bit more well-meaning-but-still-not-great rather than fully toxic. Obviously it doesn't end well for anyone, but I guess I've just seen too many father figures go around with nice intentions who have absolutely Zero ability at reading a room let alone their kids

S. I think for me, that is the problem. And I think I am less forgiving towards it.

K. Stormtail [Bluestar’s father, Bluestar’s Prophecy] feels like more of the asshole dad, to me, but like. They're both different brands of Not Good.

S. Stormtail is super just a complete prick, no doubt. I think Sandgorse is more engaged with his kid, for sure. But I think it's a very hollow engagement, because he denies everything about Tallpaw's actual personality and desires and just sees him as an extension of himself to control. Which is sort of parental abuse 101.

K. Oh, and while we're discussing them: Palebird huh. Again, Erins, can't write a woman, but like. I don't know, I think that like... she felt like a neat character for the first chapter and now they're doing their Bad Things with her by making her boring and Just Sad and kind of useless in the background for them to mess with and probably kill off later. Like, she doesn't have a whole lot of personality, but she could. S. I think I'd like all the characters more if I spent less time with them. Like, I think for me, the pace is too slow, the dialogue is too long, and because of that, I get bored and annoyed with the characters. Whereas I think if it was only a couple of chapters, forcing the dialogue to be more punchy and illuminating of their character, and less mired in sadness (Palebird) or digging stupid holes (Sandgorse) or bullying (Shrewpaw), I'd have a lot more fun. But as it stands, Palebird starts talking and I start zoning out because they've really done her so dirty in this.

8. If you could ask any character in this section a question, what question would you ask them?

K. Heatherstar: How does it feel to be the baddest bitch in the room at any given moment K. Palebird: Why the FUCK are you with this bastard K. Sandgorse: WHY are you LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME

S. Barkpaw: what is it about learning medicine that you love? Or.... Barkpaw: how did you decide to give up your future with others, for a future in medicine? What was that decision like?

K. A more serious question from me, hehe: Tallpaw - If no one was watching, what would make you happiest to do or say? K. Shrewpaw: What about yourself do you feel most inadequate about? What part of that drives you to act towards others like you do?

S. Shrewpaw: what's your fucking damage, buddy?

9. In your opinion, what is “world-building” and how important is it to you as a reader (or writer)? How do you feel about the world-building of these chapters so far? If you could, would you change anything, and what would you change?

S. Oh, I hate it. S. What's hilarious is that for maybe the first time ever Erin Hunter is putting effort in. You can see how hard they're working to make tunnelling sound "cool" or relevant, how they're describing all these tunnel-related skills and techniques the way they do with fighting or whatever. S. And the irony is it's such a wasted effort because personally? Could not care less. This world-building enraptures me none amount and I spend the whole time scoffing like, sure Jan.

K. One of my notes off the hop is: "I know that Erin’s trying to like… make Windclan look unique by adding these new positions, but just labelling some warriors as “moor runners” doesn’t cut it. Their job is: “hunting and patrolling the borders”. That’s just? An average warrior thing to do? It’s not special, and naming it something fancy doesn’t make me feel like you’re actually adding anything to Windclan’s mythology here." Which is really just tunnel adjacent, but it's still relevant.

K. Other choice tunneling notes: "...Listen, I get it, inter-clan conflict is wonderful. But WHY do the moor runners and tunnellers hate each other? If the tunnels are so important to Windclan’s way of life, SURELY the above-ground warriors would feel respect for them? And if Windclan holds such value in their tunnels (Palebird literally just said that the tunnels mean they’re “stronger and cleverer” than the other clans), then WHY would Windclan cats hate them for it?? To have this weird seemingly generational distrust between the two castes is just. Fucking bananas." k. "Hey Erin: Why introduce the tunnellers at all if you keep putting them down and saying how much worse it would be to be one. What’s the point."

S. “I'm still not over the fact they're [Erin Hunter] like... "what can we do to make Windclan, the clan who famous won't even build nests because they like to live under the stars, special and different from the rest... oh I fucking know."

K. "Why is no one in charge in this clan that’s been a tunneller?? Heatherstar and Reedfeather just… fully don’t understand tunnelling and tunnellers needs?? If I were making this system, I’d have it be mandatory that the leader and deputy have to be one from either caste." S. Why not just ban it already. S. I mean, the book tries so hard to convince us tunnelling is useful. I believe none of it.

K. ALSO why don't the tunnelers b a t h e K. "They're permanently soiled with dirt and soot" DO THEY BATHE??? DO THEY?? WHY DO YOU HATE THIS NEW CASTE THAT YOU SEEM TO LOVE? K. Erin Hunter: look at my cool new worldbuilding set! I'm going to shit on it for an entire book

K. Like. I'm having a hard time pinpointing what I would do better, but like... I think I want it to feel 1) more cohesive and believable. 2) It needs to be useful and cement this clan as a group of living, working people. It has to make some kind of sense (to an extent) but also have a purpose! 3) sometimes worldbuilding doesn't need to be "uhh they need more jobs" sometimes it can be "we have this myth about running faster than the ghosts of our enemies" and that's just as successful if you do it right. Like, Erin thought you needed to entirely overhaul Windclan and make them Different to make them better. Instead of working with what's already there!

S. I personally feel it doesn't take much to make the clans really different from each other, and it's more the subtle things that make huge differences, not--like you said--more jobs or anything. Really don't want to blow my own horn, but like, to use the chapter I just wrote as an example: just by making elders vote to make major decisions alters the clan significantly. That's just one thing, that's putting different emphasis and a new swing on a preexisting facet of every clan. But immediately you get the effect and it has run-on effects too, which is what good world-building should do. It should be hard to remove any one piece without the whole castle crashing down. And this book is basically about how removing one “major” piece (tunnelling) effectively didn’t change anything, really. K. It just doesn't feel right to me! It's too big a change to feel natural, let alone how fucking bad it is.

K. And like, honestly, the Erins even did okay with just highlighting the territory and environmental differences! I've read all the different fucking ways they can write a forest after 30 books and they really have written them all. Even just making THAT a focal point helped to make this book feel somewhat distinct and fresh!

S. One of my long-standing gripes with Erin Hunter is that their environments are boring and basic and they need way more close detail on plants and whatnot but that is a personal preference, and not actually a flaw. Although admittedly, if you do spend time making an environment interesting, it turns out that becomes a reason to read and a pleasure, instead of something you have to trudge through to get to the Actually Good Bits. But that's not what they're about and I can acknowledge that, if not respect it.

Extra notes:

S. [Sandgorse’s] basically the dad equivalent of a pageant mum? K. Yeah! K. Sports Dads are just Pageant Mom Regional Variants. S. Oh my god.

K. The story isn't about [Palebird] and at this point it just feels kind of sad to have her onscreen. S. Yeah, I get the feeling she exists to make Tallstar feels unloved, basically. K. Which sucks! S. "Your mum likes your dead sibling more" is uhh a brutal way to tell a story, Erin.

K. For one: Barkpaw is... the best cat S. YES S. My boy. K. The Erins only know three medicine cats: Softe, Don't Fucking Touch Me, or The Only Reasonable Gay

K. 1) “Tallpaw swallowed a purr. “No racing, I promise. No having fun whatsoever on the dawn patrol.” I Love Him. 2) Dawnstripe seems nice and I think she and Stonepelt need to be friends. 3) I loved Tallpaw's little chase sequence and how clever he is :>

S. I just can't get over how much it breaks my suspension of disbelief to imagine cats digging. S. Of all things. S. I can tolerate the bullshit fighting better than I can believe cats digging with any efficiency whatsoever. K. They remind me of the Meerkats from Lion King 1/2. K. And I. K. Despise. K. That film. S. Windclan: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U76zyUFg3Xo K. PLEASE END MY SUFFERING

K. I think what pisses me off about [Shrewpaw] the most, sidebar, is that he's like this from the start. Who is teaching him this??? Who is raising this little monster boy???? Who in Windclan is just? rearing xenophobes???? S. Like, he's newly born and walking around being a little fascist. S. And no-one is doing anything about it! All the adults are like, "huh, yeah, kids, am I right?" K. He isn't even as cool as Thistleclaw! He's just a little mean weasel boy! S. Sandgorse is literally like, "yeah that little weak moor runner punk child, what a coward, scared of getting sand in his eyes." Like, that's not the right response At All. K. EVERYONE IS SO RACIST ALL THE TIME SEND TWEET S. And none of the moor runners are being like, "hey stop calling him wormcat, his name is Tallpaw and he's your clanmate." S. Additional sidebar: Shrewpaw calling Tallpaw "wormcat" is my favourite thing in the book. S. It's like if I walked up to a nerd I didn't like and was just like, "lol wormboy." S. Devastating. K. RIGHT S. It's so funny. I was literally there like, "okay this is bad behaviour, Shrewpaw, that's not the right way to act, but also? fucking hilarious." K. It was funny at the start and now that it's his Thing it's even more funny. Like you can't think of anything better to say that you keep invoking the "Wouldn't you like to know, weather boy?" goof at all hours. S. It kind of reminded me of the time I was teaching and I had to put a ban on the word "Elmo" because the kids kept basically making it a slur on each other, but it was also the funniest thing and it was SO HARD not to fucking lose it. S. Me, being a good teacher: "All right, that's enough, no-one is allowed to call anyone else 'Elmo' anymore." S. Me on the inside: [dying]

#ailuronymy book club #tallstar's revenge

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concept22 · 5 years

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Today I got a bipolar diagnosis

edit: btw, nobody was injured when i crashed. it was into a light post and nobody was around.

There is confetti everywhere around my room. And I am confused why there is such a mess and why it’s so pretty to me and also why despite seeing beauty in the mess I feel uncomfortable with my space having little shit all over it and I want it to be clean. Today shit hit the fan and the shit was a balloon and when it hit the fan it erupted and confetti flew everywhere. I got a bipolar diagnosis today. After nearly 10 years of clinical diagnoses from major depression, generalized anxiety, ocd tendency, mania, psychosis, to a literal thought disorder called delusional disorder, as well as PTSD, today I heard something that felt like it contains all of me and there is room for me to be me and not feel so confused and like my identity is all over the place depending which disorder is showing it’s face most. I am Cassidy Jean Gardner, and I am bipolar with PTSD. I feel terrified and so confused and Im crying while I write this but the tears feel like a relief a sweet rush of acceptance from and for myself that I have been yearning for for a long, long time. My therapist believes I have mixed manic-depressive bipolar called cyclothymic bipolar, not to be confused with a less “emotionally intense” cyclothymia diagnosis. With my understanding so far, I understand that Bipolar 1 is characterized by more manic tendencies with depressive stints. Bipolar 2 is characterized by more depressive tendencies with hypomanic bursts. The difference between these types of bipolar and the one have been experiencing the spectrum of for the last 2 and a half years years for sure is that BP 1&2 symptoms of mania or depression last several days, weeks, or months. Cyclothymic bipolar experiences of mania and depression can last hours. I have been so confused by my own mind for so long, and like my emotional responses to things were never valid, true, natural, and in my manic times, not even human. I can go from being manic to then coming across something that doesn’t fit my manic ideology and having an extremely depressed, hopeless response, to, sometimes it feels like minutes later, come up with a new “solution” that helps me feel better and relieved of the shame i feel about my manic beliefs and world view that I go right back up there again, and the cycle repeats. Thinking myself in and out of mania it can feel like. The days when I am not crippled or at best, so far, consistently hindered, by the accompanying anxiety of not having much of a sense of emotional normalcy or “neutral” perspective on things are my best days. The days when I am hypomanic, and I decide to scrap everything I’ve been working toward and stop identifying with these things in the name of authenticity libration and creativity, are my favorite right now, and that is hard. because it’s not super helpful to be this way- so passionate and “righteous”- that i throw out the window regard for any sort of routine i have worked hard to establish myself in the name of having “figured out something better”. It’a hard to feel so happy I can’t listen to my rational self because I feel so intoxicated by the feeling of happiness motivation and productivity I so crave. I am not sure what is harder. Being so manic that I become psychotic, completely delusional to the point that I literally believe I am Satan or Lucifer herself and that everything around me is confirming this horrible burden yet somehow “karmic blessing” that I never asked for, the the times when my depression is so bad I sleep for 16 hours of the day, have no motivation to even fathom life becoming better ever, and prefer to dream than live waking, walking life. I have lived in ambivalence for years, and as a coping mechanism I convinced myself I thrived in this arena. I see myself in front of the pendulum that is my mind. Every day it swings and I try to control it. It doesn’t stop swinging. It swings so roughly and rapidly that it flys out of the bars holding it up often. It’s like there is a wind pushing it that is the devil itself tricking me by being “invisible” aka not existing. When it’s on the manic side, I try to grab it and in the process get picked up off the ground and everything around the pendulum gets knocked over in my efforts to hold the pendulum and keep it on the “happy” side. Like the things around me are my life that I’ve built and they will fall as easily as bowling pins. There is no weight to keep them stable when I hit them. The foundation is slippery. On the depressive side, I rush over angry that I wasn’t strong enough to hold things on the manic side and desperately try to push it back toward my “happy” side, but it is so so fucking heavy. and I don’t remember it being that heavy and I cannot believe I ever fathomed loving the pendulum I was clinging to sometimes minutes earlier. Shame guilt self loathing. compared to my visions of grandiosity, of the world revolving around me, of having a sense of self worth and confidence and the courage to claim it and say hey i deserve to feel good about myself. to god how dare I ever think that. I am the most selfish person on the planet the sheer vain and foolishness to believe everything even anything really could possible be about or for me. I like to believe that I am somewhere in the middle. I prefer the hypomanic side, and this is a detriment as well, because i can easily get too high. but the hypomanic can be so... fun. The bits of excessive energy, the slightly inflated sense of self worth, the belief that I can follow my dreams and the ability to use my mind to direct my thoughts toward ways to create strategy to get where I want and build stepping stones. The fear of fallibility. the anxiety that comes with ever feeling good about myself from the ptsd of that abusive relationship and that night especially. I shouldn’t plan, because they will be foiled, if not by me by a man most likely. nowhere is safe, especially not my own mind. thats’s where I perceived love, and oh hasn’t god shown me how powerful that is. being so manic that I confuse the feeling with someone being my soulmate, twin flame, my destiny. telling that person and responding to the rejection emotionally by going psychotic and fully delusional. How afraid I have been to love, of my own love, being truly loved that i don’t feel the need to constantly prove myself, and certainly the idea of ever loving myself for being who I am. In 2016 when I got PTSD and no longer was the “high functioning” “mentally ill” girl I was before, many people treated me like I had fallen from grace and it was my fault. Thank fucking god for the people who have been here for me. So many people took this as an opportunity it felt to slander me. “ha, I knew she wasn’t so wonderful, look how crazy she is. She intentionally crashed her car. who does that?” a person who is so confused with their undiagnosed bipolar and the fact they are going through a manic episode as a response to intense trauma therapy does that. I was told my whole life I was wonderful for being pretty and intelligent, and what a special combination. what a bitch of a “gift”. The two things I was naturally both with and did not earn, my intelligence and my body and my face. What about my humor? What about my ability to be a good friend? What about how hard I work? I was told I should never dare praise myself for these things because I was already “lucky enough” to be praised for the things I never asked for but was given by either genetics or fate- god knows. I have so many feelings. and I’m so grateful to know that I am impulsive. Sure, I’m “spiritually gifted”, but not necessarily everything has to be a blaring call from god or synchronicity that I must act on immediately if I want to see the “right things”, see the world the “right way”, and “be where I am to be”. My perfectionism has nearly killed me. Seeking to be spiritually perfect because I sure has hell was not physically or mentally perfect, I mean, look at those guys and girls more “beautiful”, look at those men and women more “accomplished”. And the brainwashed peers (not their fault) for idolizing me, giving me a sense of power I never fucking sought. Sure. Maybe you can make the argument that my “soul wanted this”, but suffering was never in the deal. and I have suffered. I have been so miserable I didn’t even know how to fathom the energy to put together a plan to kill myself. and thank god for that level of depression, because I didn’t die. because I’m supposed to be here and finally I feel I can make some peace with my singular identity as Me, Cassie. someone who is fun, funny, smart, relatable, bipolar, and so much more. I feel terrified of stigmatization even though I know it’s fucked up that it even exists. At least, I think, with the delusional disorder diagnosis, even though it was similar to a schizophrenic diagnosis just lacking frequency of symptoms, hardly anybody knew what it was. Oh I have a thought disorder and the propensity to think in delusional ways sometimes. NBD tho as u can see I’m perfectly fine :). So many more people know about bipolar. And many have strong opinions. The plus here is that there is more push to end stigmatization and more research into ways to cope manage and accept this diagnosis which I am so thankful for, and more easily accessible community. There was nothing on delusional disorder. It was so uncommon that when my psychiatrist in the rehab told my therapist what my diagnosis was she handed me the DSM to read about it because she didn’t know what it was. Yeah, I went to rehab. Last november (2017) I had a psychotic break, though it was not my first experience with delusion. I became manic as a response to feeling rejected by a guy and it escalated to me hardly sleeping, doing a lot of cocaine and other drugs, and having a full blown psychotic break. I experienced psychosis for 2 and a half months. The first 3 weeks of this stint it was all i could feel or think about. At first it was fun, until it wasn’t. I legitimately thought that there was a secret society the illuminati that had been made to “illuminate” me, that all art had been inspired by me, the energetic muse, lucifer “finally reincarnating” back to earth in the age of aquarius and dawn of immortality, and nobody around me was safe because I was all that was valued by this illuminati and the people who I loved most were in danger because while I loved them most and the illuminati knew this, the illuminati was angry that these people has hurt me, someone who was so impressionable, “born schizophrenic and able to hide it in order to learn about ‘normal society’”, and were responsible for the pain I felt which I handled with negative coping mechanisms like addiction. So it was my job to create worldly and spiritual circumstances to keep them safe from disaster and accident or murder because they all felt so bad about hurting me subconsciously that they had less of a will to live, and this was a dangerous way to think, subconsciously of course. That I was everyone’s higher self in the 4d’s favorite 3d person other than their person, and that they all were working to send me messages from the consciously unaware around me. I was fully out too my mind. I legitimately thought I was lucifer, the most hated person on the planet but god’s favorite angel, ready to ask for entry back into heaven. And the only thing that was me was my fear response to my thoughts and the way I read into everything. no I can’t dare think this this can’t dare be true but somehow everything around me is telling me it is. Literally fuck this. I felt that I needed to be with loved ones constantly to “keep them safe” and I understandably was simultaneously scaring the shit out of my family due to my mental health, and exhausting them. my mom and I both agreed the best thing was for me to go into a treatment center, the rose house. A “dual-diagnosis” rehab that treated mental health and addiction. Cool, well when I got there apparently every single reason I had mental health problems was because I had used substances, not because I had struggled with my mental health since becoming conscious in light of my father passing when i was almost 9 and eventually found drugs as a coping mechanism. I felt shamed for my addiction to marijuana and 100% misunderstood and ostracized. out of the 15 women there all of the girls my age were in primarily for addiction and the only woman who was there for first mental health was an older woman named Kathleen, and she wasn’t an addict. The delusions never stopped I got better at hiding them. I was heavily medicated, afraid, fearing homelessness if i didn’t follow my family wishes to finish the 90 day program, and still pretty insane. After I got my diagnosis I left the treatment the night I got onto “transition” 67 days in and got my phone back, called a friend, and got brought up to fort collins where thank god emma was willing to let me stay with her. Miraculously, the delusions stopped within days. I was no longer so stressed and afraid that I couldn’t think for myself. I was bipolar this entire time. and my mania was “so irrational and unrecognizable” that they didn’t even know to recognize that this was my issue, it was more like I was “almost schizophrenic” without the visual hallucinations or auditory hallucinations. I wasn’t hearing other voices, but the voice in my head wanted me dead just as much as it told me I had a special reason to stay alive. I had a “sane reaction to insane circumstances”, and I temporally lost my mind. and I was petrified and anxiety ridden to the point I couldn’t function for months. I couldn’t make a single decision for weeks without going into full blown panic. I felt like everyone knew something that I didn’t and that they couldn’t tell me what I thought I knew, just give me hints, because otherwise they could be punished and also because they “believed in me”. I felt horribly betrayed while simultaneously fearing abandonment and isolation so much I felt I had developed Stockholm syndrome.

When I experienced full blown psychosis that was so scary, my whole life went to shit. I lost my scholarships. I lost my house in boulder so my family could afford rehab. everything changed while I was in panic and when I “returned” to a “normal” state of mind I couldn’t recognize anything in my own life, even myself. When I was on medication I gained 70 pounds in 2 and a half months. I went into rehab 95 pounds. I was so manic for months, either full blown or hypo, that I would forget to eat. And I was 165 when I left. I hated my life and the months following I was more depressed than I can ever remembered. I relapsed in april. april to september was a mix of drugs and romance that I don’t really care for. When I got sober again, prompted by a really scary night of returning to psychotic thinking which I thankfully learned reality checking skills for, I feel like after 4 almost 5 years of using drugs I was finally ready to stop feeling so out of control, at least with my substance use. Thank god for today, no matter how afraid i am of my future. I am just as hopeful. I have for hate myself for the ways I have treated people in my manic episodes, my family in my depressive episodes, and how I can hardly even remember it. but I do not deserve to feel this hate. I was suffering. I was living in a world I hadn’t found the words to describe. and now I know. That I am beautiful. truly. inside and out. and I have a beautiful mind. I love fiercely. I believe I can make a contribution to help “save the world”. That those who are mentally ill should be hugged tightly when they need it, that schizophrenic people especially, imo, are horribly and unfairly understood and deserve to feel cherished and accepted just as much as anyone else, not to be feared and casted out of society. I believe every single person no matter what deserves to know they are not alone, no matter how lonely they feel, and so much more good. I am not the ugly or the bad. I am a motherfucking survivor. And thank god I didn’t die the day I re-enacted my dad’s car accident. Because I do have a purpose, and it is special. Most importantly, it’s just as special as everyone else’s special purpose. We are all in this together. And I’m excited to find a community of people who have fought similar battles. Who I can laugh about my “a trillion under the sun” delusions with and find humor in the ways my mind sought to preserve a will to live. and how other people have done the same. I am me, and today I became free of my own condemnation. I will struggle, but now I know there is community and resources that I don’t need to scour the earth to find. I have a home, and it is here, proud to be me. There is confetti everywhere around my room. Who knew that balloon I had been so afraid of letting go of was my own attempt to celebrate myself. I may feel late to my own party, but I’m here now. And there is no problem with not wanting my room to always look like a wild rave. I can always make more confetti, anyways :)

To end with some gratitude, thank god for my true friends and my family. Emma has never left my side as my best friend, even in the distance of living in different parts of the state. She is my best fucking friend. My other close best friends as well, who have not been afraid to hug me when I swore to them my entire body was covered in needles. My mom, who has done everything for me to make sure I know I am never truly alone, no matter how much my mind tries to tell me otherwise. For my little brother, for putting up with my craziness and still being willing to love me and laugh with me at the end of the day. Everyone in my life now is so beautiful it’s hard to deny that there may be some beauty in me, too, then, if they all tell me they like when I’m around. I’m grateful to know that my father, who i have idolized though gone now, was whole loved by the people around me. Whose described as “large than life” personality and substance abuse may have been a way to mask bipolar symptoms, was still a loved personality and loved person. This I know. This people have convinced me. and that I am of him just as much as I am of my mother. I’m grateful for the mental health professionals who have not given up on me, even when they required i be medicated in order to be able to be worked with, even when i was misdiagnosed, these people have helped to save my life too. so many times. And I am so grateful for my higher power, for prayer, the only thing that felt safe to think that sometimes I would just repeat the serenity prayer for hours for the sake of at least having a way to direct my anxious energy and not be in panic from my own delusional thoughts. God, who has always shown me that i will never be truly abandoned or given up on, who has helped me understand my higher power as something that is absolutely not punitive. My family and friends have been my lifeboats, and god, the universe, gaia, the god in every person, has shown me how to survive the storm. I am. I desire. I see. and i am free.

This has been such a clusterfuck of emotions coming out that I have been wanting to feel for a long time and as messy as this is i’m grateful as well for the will to sit through this and write about these experiences, no matter the feelings they bring up. Because know I feel free to understand that the feelings will pass, sometimes more quickly than others, and that I can always survive. Even when that’s all I “manage” to do. Today. I stayed sober. I laughed. I put up the christmas tree with my mom and brother. I talked on the phone with my best friend. I told close friends what I learned about myself today. and I got diagnosed with bipolar. and I found a hope and interpretation for my mental narrative that I never felt was right for me because i don’t understand the words for what i was experiencing. I have learned today. And I have grown. and I am smiling as i finish typing this with tears rolling down my face, because I believe I can be happy. Sustainably happy. and sustainably grateful and hopeful when it’s hard to get to feeling the happiness. I believe and I survive. and I become<3 I am 21. I am brilliant. and I am bipolar.

#bipolar #personal #off my chest #very personal #text

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gg-astrology · 6 years

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Black Pink: Lalisa Manoban (Brief Inner planet Natal Reading)

💕 I saw a photo of Lisa and I’m overwhelmed with love for her. This is new test for a different text-format/’theme’, unlike the ‘overview’ series I’m going to go through her chart one by one (w/o houses), looking at the planet and it’s aspects and the decan it’s in. We’ll see how it goes! 💕

💕disclaimer: i’m no expert on astrology but these are my interpretations of the signs and how they’re working based on my experiences with them. Everyone has different opinions and studies in astrology, all interpretation and experiences within the realm is valid, however feel free to make your own post or skip if you strongly disagree. There might be inaccuracy and the point of this post is to relate to someone, entertain and have a fun time, validate people with similar experiences and get people excited about the girls+ astrology. Also, since we don’t know their birth times, I’m using the standard 12.00pm💕

Sun in Aries - 1st Decan/Ruled by Mars (Aries)

I’ve already went ham into this with the ‘BP: Sun & Moon’ but I’ll give a brief reintroduction on this as well! 💕

Sun in Aries especially in the 1st Decan, exhibits traits that emphasizes their Arian nature- energetic, lively, uncomplicated and innovative. They’re often already on the move, most likely to get things done physically rather than wait on long-awaited plan or drawn-out emotional speech that would ‘inspire’ them. They’re quite pragmatic, and although they admire and respect other ways of doing things, they’d much rather just get on the move and actually do it to achieve what they want

Impatience and impulsiveness might be a vice, however their greatest strength is their ability to move on and direct their energy forward.

They’re not big on planning ahead, but that creates space for innovation. They live in the now, and unlike other signs, they benefit a lot from this kind of mentality.

The way they go about things is pretty direct, active and straight forward. They often get a bit whiplashed if someone tries to play games with them, as they’re pretty forthcoming people and expected the same back.

They can be careless, lack tact, impulsive and reckless to a fault without realizing what they’ve done. But they’re quick to want to atone for any mess they might have made.

Aries lives simply in this way, they know what they want and they do whatever is necessary to achieve it. They don’t mind cutting corners, but often they see it as underhand or unnecessary, it’s the journey that matters to them.

Most of the time, Aries appreciates challenges in their life. They feel best when they can overcome those little objections and feel ‘progressed’ in how far they’ve come. They like things clean and tidy, a fresh slate or a fresh start to the day.

Sun (Aries) - Conjunct - Venus (Aries) [1 degree]

This is a good aspect to have! Conjunction around the lesser degrees, between aspects of the Sun-Venus can help the native Arian showcase their much more charming side to the public and smooth out rough edges they might have otherwise.

Lisa already has this working for her even when she wasn’t in the limelight, people with Sun-Venus aspect tends to exhibit harmonic, pleasant and charming traits (think Libra/Taurus) and places an emphasis on their Sun that they want to be perceived pleasantly this way.

They tend to be alot more easy-going with this aspect, working that Arian charm in a non-confrontational manner and bringing abundance of joy and enthusiasm to the people around them.

There’s a like for social interactions and pleasantries, diplomatic and often generous. They can sometimes become pushovers when they’re trying really hard to please someone (in the industry) or don’t know any better.

The ability to attract people to her through her charm (Venus) is convert, she exudes her individuality and self-expression (Sun/Ego) and if the person responds positively, she might find interest in them. This however, can mean that she might need validation from other people or put pressure on herself if she doesn’t receive positive affirmations. Learning to balance it with validating herself and finding a mixture of self-love within her own body might benefit in balancing out and stabilizing this aspect.

Sun (Aries) - Conjunct- Saturn (Aries) [3 degrees]

Again this is a good aspect to have especially when it’s conjuncted. I kind of do 3 is the max and 5 is pushing it, but I know some people accept it at lower degrees than I do and that’s fine too!

Sun conjunction Saturn can put a damper on the Sun but in a way, it might benefit them more in the long run which is what’s happening in Lisa’s chart.

She understands responsibility and long-term commitment, and she’s not afraid to sacrifice abit of her vitality in order to achieve it.

When it comes to commitment, she puts in hard work and acts cautiously. She rarely makes impulsive decision that would damage or effect anyone else (family/members) long term, she has the forethought and sight to be mature when she needs to be and handle responsibility well.

She sees and understands the significance in establishing long-term relationships (members) and has patience, tolerance and loyalty to them. She puts in work and dedicated effort into establishing this bond, and expects back on their relationship. People who lacks this Saturnian trait would turn her off.

Sun (Aries) - Sextile - Uranus (Aquarius) [1 degree]

Although it’s a harmonious aspect, Uranus is a generational outer planet ruled by Aquarius, having an Aries sun there can mean her individuality is expressed fighting for the underdog.

There’s a fiery quality to it that both Aries and Aquarius posses, a strike against tradition and you can see it in the way her ego (Sun) expresses her style (Venus) in how she dresses/performs.

Black pink is amazing because this aspect comes through very vividly, like 2NE1 the unusual styling and effect their stage performance and music has is trans-generational. It doesn’t cohere to just one aesthetic taste, it’s something most people can get into very easily. I suspect the other members probably has similar aspect in this area as well. They’re standing for something they’re comfortable in.

Sun (Aries) - Trine - Pluto(R) (Sagittarius) [1 degree]

Sun is the planet of the ego and Pluto is the planet of transformation, this emphasizes her moon even more since it’s in Scorpio (ruled by Pluto) she often feels that she’s going through different phases of growth and transformation all the time.

Between comebacks and stages, Lisa is constantly evolving and she realizes this. It’s a double whammy for her both in her moon and the aspect.

Her ego shifts along with her transformation, but at the same time her pluto is in retrograde. She might not show it as often but she is going through alot of these changes.

She can be slow in incorporating it into her ego, or letting her inner change/growth show in other aspects of her life. She feels it, she knows it. But that doesn’t mean she has to show it (abit of an escapism)

Moon in Scorpio - 2nd Decan/Ruled by Neptune (Pisces)

Again, I’ve touched on her moon in the the ‘BP: Sun & Moon’ but here’s a brief description of it here as well 💕

Scorpio moons can go through many intense emotions and internal growth rapidly, they often feel overwhelmed by their emotions and their thoughts transforming at a pace and intensity that even they can’t control. This can be devastating and amazing, depending on how one views it- their emotional growth goes through periods of death and rebirth and often pushes them to go through serious transformation within themselves throughout their entire life. It’s exhilarating, giving and tiring at the same time.

Scorpio has this intensity inside of themselves that, when projected outwardly onto other people you can see the storm inside of their eyes. Their emotional intensity doesn’t just stop there with themselves, but they can also evoke this kind of intensity in other people as well.

Lisa’s moon is ruled by Neptune/Pisces, which rules her subconscious and her dreams. Most likely her Moon in Scorpio is influenced by these elements, and her transformation often has to more to do with herself and her own growth than any external output.

Pressure she puts on herself, her dreams and aspiration she carries for her family to do well in foreign lands, insomnia, lethargy and depression might be prone to these individuals (again, I’m not certified to diagnose anyone with medical help, and I’m not trying to do so, if someone is suffering from mental illness or requires assistance in these areas, please consult a doctor or a medical assistance if they want to seek available help)

They might have the tendency to use sleeping as a coping mechanism and escapism in order to avoid going through these transformation too much (escapism or fighting to simplify the situation aka ‘im fine’ ). It can lead to repression of emotions or inner growth in order to stabilize her body.

Her Virgo Mars is the only earth sign capable of stabilizing her, but it’s also the only out put to her emotional transformation. She might’ve learnt to utilize this subconsciously in an unhealthy way to cope with how much she’s feeling and how much she’s going through. Most likely she did so anyways, especially with Sun-Venus and a strong Taurus/Venus influence on her Mars. She needs to unlearn how to do this and express herself when she needs to, or seek help when she needs it.

She desires stability but it she needs to realize it doesn’t need to be internal. She can seek stability externally through support and close friends as well. She should show this through consistency in reaching out to people, but in order to do so she needs to vocalize it or exert her Mars and Mercury into helping her with her Moon.

She might also be prone to having transformative dreams, or going through upheaval inside her subconscious. Suppressing these emotions during the day might point to having to confront them later when she’s in the unconscious realm, this can lead to very emotionally taxing dreams or adventurous ones, having to confront and balance negativity to positivity at some point. But it’s in no way unhealthy compared to the above (better dealing it through dreams than actively trying to repress it all the time conscious OR unconscious).

Moon (Scorpio) - Square - Jupiter (Aquarius) [3 degrees]

There’s a restless quality about her when she ‘can’t deal with her moon right now’, she tends to seek outlets that can extort her resources (i.e. retail therapy, shopping, negligence) a square is a difficult aspect but it’s capable of overcoming.

Her moon (emotions) has a direct impact on her luck (Jupiter) through her actions. Although it’s in 3rd degree, it might not be working strongly for her since she can easily learn to self-discipline.

She can become aloof, cold or negligence to those around her when she’s dealing with her emotions/internal turmoil. Absentmindedness or too coldly observing, she can neglect or make others around her feel like they shouldn’t support her which doesn’t reflect her natural charisma.

Lisa can have her moodiness, and its in this aspect how it effects those around her and her immediate resources (money, luck, etc).

Moon (Scorpio) - Square - Uranus (Aquarius) [2 degrees]

Again, her moon is working to bring her down. All her internal turmoil is effecting to some degree her relationships with others and her ability to perform sometimes. With her moon (emotions) squaring her Uranus (rebellion/innovation/technology) this can be interpreted in so many different ways.

Bigger picture is, she might find herself at odds with the people around her, slow moving and unstable or unsupportive at times because she’s lost in her own turmoil or has some doubts, her friends can feel unsupported or in-stabilized by her when they require her vote of confidence in them.

Lisa can be disagreeable to rules or authoritarian figures, or act out/lash out in a way just to prove her point across if she feels she’s unheard or misunderstood (her Saturn is too strong and working too well for her to do that, but she might have instances)

She might find bad news due to technology (it might bring her grief) or does something online she might regret later (hope it’s retail therapy)

Anyways its not a bad thing to have difficult aspects in your chart, all these are capable of the person who owns the chart to overcome and they can absolutely do it.

Mercury in Aries - 3rd Decan/Ruled by Jupiter (Sagittarius)

Curiously this is un-aspected, but it seems to be working strongly in her chart and is very good for our girl Lisa! 💕

Mercury in Aries natives possesses an innocent charm about them, this is directly amplified by Jupiter’s influence (Sagittarius) her Arian charms becomes expanded upon, and her youthful vitality and charisma that makes her so lovable is put into a softer light. She acquires a happy-go-lucky trait to her that has people falling head over heels to do as she asks, often popular.

People like her because she’s straight forward and simple, she’s often humble and enthusiastic which is refreshing to be around.

Mercury in Aries are also magnetic in a way that they possesses great self-will that their Aries sun already has. The way they think and talk about things are quick and to the point, fast and decisive.

She can streamline progress and gets points across simply and easily, she’s amiable and likes helping others with a jokester kind of joviality to her. Often capable of lightening up any situation, she’s great at taking the weight/heat off of shier signs like Virgo or Capricorn who might get embarrassed by a mistake.

Mercury Arians in the 3rd decan likes to help others out, they possess an expansive open-minded quality to them that likes to learn and give/take equally. They’re willing to help people in worse situation than they are if the opportunity arises.

Venus in Aries - 1st Decan/Ruled by Mars (Aries)

Aries in Venus says alot about her charisma on stage and her style that draws people into her. Her powerful performance really came through with her artistry, and it’s all in her Venus amplified by her Sun and Mercury of the same sign and similar element. She has so much passion (fire) in her chart (Aries and Sagittarius) along with the magnetic quality (water/Scorpio and Pisces) - the clash of the two elements in force makes for a powerful charisma in a person.

Venus in Aries in general, has a pretty daring and up-front style about her. She has a cheeky smile but also a confident, independent women.

Venus in Aries often has this quality about them (especially in 1st degree) anyone who wants to be with her has to match up to her in some way. She won’t ever settle for less than what she deserves, and if she finds you unworthy- well, she wouldn’t even give you her time of day.

That’s not to say she’s a minx all the time, Aries Venus charm extends to more than just her confidence. Her innocent childish charm complements the tougher side of her personality well, even the aegyo and possible tantrum she might pull is endearing.

There’s a fun-loving quality about them, like they’re not hard to please but you have to do it well. However, if you take too long to approach them they’d already be gone. They don’t tend to stick around, even if they’re going to give you a chance. They’re turned-off by wishy-washy behaviors, too much ‘games’ and not enough stimulation (slow burn) and not enough activities.

They’d rather take the lead in love and other areas in life, let them have their moments. They also like a little bit of competition, and likes games in the spirit of having fun. If something is done with intensity or mixed-up emotions (i.e. complex emotions directed towards them) they’d probably say no to that as well.

Venus (Aries) - Conjunct - Saturn (Aries) [4 degrees]

Phew Im relieved for her! Venus conjunct Saturn can help trim and regulate the more impulsive habits of a native Arian.

She’s much more thrifty than the typical Arian, and less likely to spend her money impulsively if it isn’t going to serve her long term. Saturn itself has a quality to endure and likes to establish long lasting relations. It wants to establish longevity within oneself and with others.

She’s faithful and loyal to her friends and family. When in love, she exhibits more of her deeper, caring and nurturing side Aries also have.

She understands her traditions and her duties to the people around her, and can mature her Aries up a little to becoming more reserved and humble. She also can appreciate a little bit more sensibility in people, suitors who only wants to have fun doesn’t catch her attention unless they show the same quality and good sense as she does.

This really helps her Aries plans ahead in her future as well. Although there’s an innate need for the immediate now, she’s not oblivious to how long-term planning can benefit her and her activities.

Venus (Aries) - Sextile - Uranus (Aquarius) [2 degrees]

The planet of love (venus) and the planet of innovation (Uranus) can sometimes mean she’s more adept to nontraditional relationships within her life.

This can be in her love life, associates, working relationships or personal relationships. She’s bound to have an abundance of different relationships that she might not even know how to categorize.

But when she feels comfortable with this aspect, she’ll be ok with it. The idea might unnerve her at first, but sextiles typically come to fruition if she works on understanding herself and her expression better.

She can accept different types of people she’s met in her life, her open-minded sincerity (Uranus/Aquarius ) is met with pleasant charm and a refreshing disposition (Venus/Aries) .

She can also see insincerity in people. The charmingly quick wit of Aquarian and the intensity of Scorpio can bring this about even more in people who has this aspect. She likes to meet people at a middle ground (Aquarius) somewhere they can compromise to being in between.

She’s freedom loving and likes to give back the space to other people because she feels that’s what they need in order to grow.

She likes her independence (Aries) and even when she has that intensity about her, she doesn’t mind if others are a lot more cooler or different from how she is- as long as they give the same respect back to her.

Venus (Aries) - Trine - Pluto (Sagittarius) [0 degrees]

God this is the tightest degree she has. And I’m really glad for it too.

Her areas of passion and interest (dancing/performance) is transforming her life (Pluto) this is the aspect you can really see how she belongs on the stage and why Black Pink is so so good for her.

She has a needs to do something with her passion physically (Aries) and she finds it in the form of dance. It saved her. She found ‘it’. She doesn’t really know what to do with it yet, but she dances because she loves it. She wants to show it to the world, to more and more people.

Pluto talks about transformation, and Sagittarius talks about learning and travelling. Being able to transform and learn every time she dances, she thrives on it. When she can travel with the group on tour, and she can dance on that stage, she lives and breathes passion. She transforms herself when she dance.

She can express her venus fully and comfortably, she takes on a whole new persona every time and she feels so lively and bright when she can show and do things she’s passionate about.

This aspect is working amazingly well for her, and her charisma, her stage presence her magnetic aura (Scorpio/Pluto) it all comes and leads down to this. I’m so happy for her and this aspect. God.

Mars in Virgo (R) - 3rd Decan/Ruled by Venus (Taurus)

Again this is un-aspected, so it’s probably working like her mercury. Usually un-aspected planets are working strongly for the person or it can be hard to find. I think personally for Lisa, she might not find this aspect in herself (un-relatable) especially since it’s in retrograde. It can be abit more slow moving for her to realize or self-actualize than others.

Mars in Virgo are focused, detail-oriented and often busy people. They can become nervous if they don’t work a lot (when bp comeback doesn’t come, most likely Lisa NEEDED those modeling ads to keep her nervous energy at bay) they become restless if they feel like they aren’t being productive, and do their best to serve or work towards a project.

Mars in Virgo can be prone to micromanaging alot, and this might affect them personally. They can appear abit scattered or all over the place (trying to do everything at once) as well as micromanaging their feelings or emotions ‘not right now, lets do that later’ - this especially in retrograde, makes them notorious for being harder to anger than even a Capricorn Mars (who actively repress their emotions) Virgo still needs to explode, but more than righteous anger they are more prone to bursts of verbal attacks and creative criticism than anything else.

They’re less confrontational, and would probably not even realize they’re angry or upset until days later. Lisa having this in 3rd decan AND retrograde, she’s much more prone to neglecting her emotions until later or not realizing them at all, with an innate need/influence to keep peace and positive emotions at all times- she can even neglect her own emotions in order to keep the balance or diplomacy in situation.

However, if it overwhelms her (both Virgo and Taurus are earth signs, they’re good at suppressing but that doesn’t mean they don’t feel deeply.) she can breakdown pretty easily when she bottles it up too much and be overwhelmed with emotions. It’s good to realize this sooner and learn how to manage her concerns in a healthier way.

Conclusion:

God I love her.

That Venus-trine-pluto aspect at 0 degrees really did me in. It sealed my coffin and I’m forever in love with her please write that on my grave stone.

Usually, Venus-Pluto aspected people tend to have a charm to them. The sexy Scorpio type charm? Even in square or opposition aspect it can come across as magnetizing to other people. Lisa having this working FOR her is amazing to her own benefit. She deserves the world and if she could have one thing in life, it’s this. Her dance IS her escape from her mind. Her performance and travelling and being the group helps her with her personal growth and development, it saves her vitality and her life. She found a good output for her energy and she can finally learn how to unwind and relax.

Lisa has a lot of nervous energy about her in her signs and aspects, especially in her Virgo Mars being un-aspected and her Uranus/Jupiter squares. She’s actually doing pretty well not having a lot of difficult or ‘disharmonious’ aspects to worry about or overcome. At the same time, her mind is her biggest enemy and that in itself takes a whole lot of energy to conquer.

💕gosh this was really fun to do, time consuming but less taxing on me to provide in-depth explanation on how they’re all working together. I just had to do them separately. Anyways, I’m really glad I did this because I got really excited for her on that one aspect (as well as other areas in her life) I really hope to explore her chart further, maybe romantically or sexually because I totally pg-ed it out on here to save materials for next time 💕

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

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1. If you could be any TV character, who would you be and why? Lorelei Gilmore came to mind. She was just cool and addicted coffee haha. I liked her wit and sense of humor and how she didn’t care what other people thought, she did her own thing.

2. Do you think Logan Lerman will make a good Charlie for the Perks Of Being A Wallflower movie? Yeah, I thought he did.

3. Who has the most dysfunctional family that you know? Our family friend’s family.

4. On your iTunes, do you have more songs by artists starting with the first half of the alphabet (a-m) or the last half (n-z)? I use Spotify and I don’t know if there’s a way to find that out. I don’t feel like going through and finding out myself.

5. Do you ever come up with really good ideas for stories or movies? Do you do anything with them? No. I wish I had that kind of creativity.

6. What are some things that you can do to make you feel like you are still a child, or bring you back to your childhood? Watch TV shows or movies from my childhood.

7. Who is someone you know in person - or have seen around - that you might like to “hit it and quit it”? As in, you’re not sure if they’re relationship material but damn they’re sexy? I don’t want to “hit it and quit it” with anyone. That’s not my thing. And at 31 years old, if I find someone I want to be in a serious, committed relationship. I’m not looking for a fling.

8. Are you more likely to buy something and regret spending the money or save the money and regret not buying something while you had the chance? There’s times I’m like, ‘wtf, why did I want this?’, or I have to push myself a bit to take the leap and get something, but generally I’m happy with the purchase.

9. Is there a song that you can really relate to right now? Care to share a lyric or video? I haven’t really been listening to music lately.

10. Is there a certain age group that you can’t stand? Toddlers, kids, teens, etc? How come? Not as a whole, no. Someone of any age group can be annoying, but not everyone in that age group is.

11. What sort of things do you post on your tumblr? Vintage photos, screen caps, girly things? Well, this is just my survey blog so that’s all I post on here. On my personal/main blog I post a variety of things, such as Alexander Skarsgard and his various projects, the various movies and TV shows I’m a fan of, relatable posts and quotes, fall and winter related things, Halloween and Christmas related things, aesthetic type stuff... you get the idea. Whatever I like, basically.

12. Have you ever seen a TV show and thought “wow this is exactly like my life”? Or maybe saw a show and later on thought, “man my life is exactly like that one episode”? I mean, there’s definitely characters and storylines I relate to.

13. How do you feel about people that are boycotting BP? Do you think they are really helping at all by doing that? I don’t know anything about that. 14. Have you ever had a dream that you couldn’t shake, even for days after you woke up? No. I’ve woken up from dreams really shaken up and a crying mess, but it didn’t affect me for days.

15. When was the last time you felt like a nuisance, or unwanted? I feel like that a lot of the time. That’s what my brain likes to tell me.

16. Have you seen the video for Alejandro? What do you think? (You can watch it at LadyGaga.com) I probably have but I don’t remember it.

17. Do you ever get a little worried when you make friends with someone of the opposite sex that are already in a relationship? No. You can have friends when you’re in a relationship, you know.

18. Is there something that people always seem to comment on about you, when they first meet you? “You’re so thin!”

19. When was the last time your dreams were crushed, or at least hindered? My life has been at a standstill the past few years.

20. What do you think of renaissance festivals? I’ve never been to one or had any interest in going, but I’m sure they’re fun for people into that kind of thing.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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perrythetired · 6 years

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2017 ‘Best Happenings’ Tag

My best friend @petrareads made this tag and tagged me in it :D

“Every year on tumblr I see loads of posts about how sucky the year was - and you know sometimes they’re not wrong but I’m not going to forget the good things either.

Last year I made a post about some of the best things that happened to me that year and I’m going to make another one this year!

And I challenge you all to do the same (yes I’m making it a tag. If this is already a tag then I’m just going to go hide in a corner :)) (also I was inspired by @books-and-cookies post when she asked people to send her the best thing that happened to them that year so thank ya)

here we go!” - Petra

Okay so this year hasn’t exactly been the greatest for me as I moved out of a country that I lived in my whole life and into completely different one. I usually like change but this wasn’t the kind that I was looking for. It’s definitely been hard but this tag is a great way for me to put a positive spin on it :D

Let’s goooooooo!

January - I spent Christmas and the New Year in Hua Hin! This was the last time I was gonna be at this beach which was really weird for me because I had been going there at least twice a year since I was three. I played my ukulele and read Harry Potter by the beach. I had some super fun late night walks on the beach (because I hate walking on the beach during the day) and I rode around the city on a bike with my parents (we each had separate bikes just to clarify). Oh how I miss Hua Hin :’ )

February - February was mostly spent freaking out over my personal project (which I got a 6 on by the way so HAH @ people who said I wouldn’t make it) but in between all of that, I had tons of fun with my friends and classmates and I’m pretty sure this is the month where I accidentally came out like a million times to so many people. I have no idea why. (side note: I was still closeted)

March - I went on resi with my grade and had heaps of fun! I was lucky enough to share a room with my ENTIRE SQUAD and no one else :D Also for some reason, my anxiety levels skyrocketed and I was a nervous mess but I kept on trying to cover it up. Thanks to my amazing friends, every night turned into a group therapy session and we laughed and we cried and we dozed off and eventually fell asleep together :’) it was beautiful.

April - I went to India! Exploring this totally different culture was so interesting and I learned so much! Obviously, there were a lot of things I saw which greatly saddened me, but I also met and learned about so many people that really gave me hope for not only the parts of India that are suffering but for the future of the world. Also I performed at battle of the bands this month! Say whaaaaaat?! Shy Adriana with stage fright was no longer. I NAILED those bass lines, CRUSHED those vocals and KILLED those harmonies. Oh and I had a shit ton, no wait, a FUCK ton of fun :D

May - Imma be honest, this month was a blur. I vaguely remember screaming at my laptop, chugging coffee at midnight, oh and handing in an incomplete lab and still getting a 7 on it... how the fuck did that happen. ( I didn’t have a conclusion or evaluation... and yes I did ask the teacher to make sure I got the correct mark and he said yea sooooooo... I’m not complaining).

June - This month marked the end of my days as an MYP student and my days as a student at my old school. On the last day, I realized how much I had grown as a person in that school. I started off being alone, constantly feeling unwanted and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Now I have an amazing group of friends who make me feel like I belong somewhere and who help protect me from my own mind. I realized how many important relationships I had made with so many other students from all ages in my school and how we all helped each other out in different ways. As self-centered as this sounds, I realized that I actually mattered to people, which is something little Adriana would never have believed to be true.

July - July was mostly spent in Canada trying to set up some stuff in our new apartment and figuring out how to get around the city. I did have a lot of fun though! Lots of crying myself to sleep because it was finally hitting me that I was leaving Thailand forever and it would be a while before I saw my friends in person again! But there were still lots of fun times! (By fun times I mean eating and sleeping a lot).

August - This was the month where I was officially moving. It hurt like hell to leave behind the city I grew up in along with all my friends, but it also helped me realize how lucky I am. Living there was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I learned so many things that I wouldn’t learn anywhere else and had experiences that helped shape who I am today. My best memory from this month was having a sleepover with my best friends/saviours for the last time. Never did I ever imagine that I would make such amazing friends, so amazing that it would hurt so much to leave them. I am insanely lucky to have a friendship like that.

September - I had my first day of school which went pretty well! I went to Niagara Falls with my mom, my aunt, and my cousin! We went on the Maid of the Mist and got soaking wet! Then we got tickets to go see a play at Niagara on the Lake where the actors gave me a birthday shoutout mid-scene. :D Oh and I also went to the Terry Fox run that my school held and it was heaps of fun and before that, my new classmates invited me out for a birthday lunch and made my day :)

October - I came out to my mom! It did not go well at all! In fact, it was terrible! But I still did it! And I was incredibly hurt but also incredibly proud of myself because I am a total coward! I refuse to do anything that’s even the slightest bit risky! Yet I still did this! And it feels good to not be in the closet anymore! I also came out to the rest of my friends and that went super well :) And I came out to some of my classmates at school who were incredibly supportive (especially when I told them I was about to come out to my homophobic parents) and they did so many little things that just helped me so much throughout the entire process. They’re such great people :D I also dressed up as Ryuk from Deathnote for Halloween with my friend who dressed up as Misa. Oh and this was also the month where I went to my first BP debate tournament. It wasn’t great, I was super nervous and there was this dude from my grade who I never talk to and he was debating and I had to debate against him and he scares the shit out of me. I’ve never actually talked to him but he seems scary and my friend agrees. So apart from being scared shitless by the debate dude from our grade, getting CRUSHED by opponents and humiliated by judges, we made some awesome friends from other schools and we both suffered together which definitely made us closer.

November - It snowed this month! It was the first time I had seen snow since I was like eight! It was awesome. Okay so it didn’t really snow that much, there were just a couple of flurries but it was super fun. The day after it snowed I got together with my friend group at one of their houses up north and we had so much fun. We watched Tangled while stuffing our faces with ice cream, danced along to BTS (and other Kpop bands’) dance practices and to top it all off we went out for dinner by going through my friend’s backyard, trying not to tumble down a hill full of snow and leaves and branches, walked for a bit through a forest (it wasn’t really a forest, I don’t really know what to call it), tried not to fall while climbing up a hill, probably tresspassed and made our way into a subway to get some sandwiches. I also switched out of physics into history and realized that my TOK, Spanish and History teacher is actually the best person on this planet and has helped me SO MUCH through my rough patches this year.

December - Like Petra said, “December isn’t over yet!” But I did do some pretty cool things. I signed up to do hair and makeup for my school’s play, not really knowing what I was getting myself into (I just wanted CAS points) and I ended up realizing that I’m not half bad at doing makeup and I’m actually pretty good at doing hair. After three nights of doing hair and makeup, on the last night I was invited to the after party! This was the first party I had ever gone to! People got really drunk or really high, I managed to stay the sober and responsible one (along with a bunch of my friends) and I had heaps of fun dancing to Russian rave music while scarfing down a pizza and feeding chips to one of my drunk friends (yes I know that doesn’t really sound like fun but it was funny). And today it snowed! Like a lot! I’ve never ever been in so much snow in my life. It was amazing! So yea.

Despite going through a HUGE change this year, I still had fun :) There were still good things that happened to me. And if I hadn’t moved, I wouldn’t have met all the new amazing people I now have in my life.

I tag: @fantasymirror and @strangertae (hi strangertae! We don’t really know each other but this is a cool tag so yea :D )

#petrareads #2017 'Best Happenings' Tag #best happenings tag #2017

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redgoldblue · 5 years

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Phase 3 MCU Movie Rankings By Your Humble Host

So I just saw Far From Home finally and then went in the group chat and that somehow culminated in this; a definitive ranking and brief ‘review’ of every phase 3 MCU movie from Civil War (no. 9/10) to Far From Home (no. 5).

No.1. Thor: Ragnarok. I’m sorry Carol and T’Challa but Taika’s got you beat. I mean Korg? Proper Thor? Valkyrie? Proper Loki? Sugar Daddy Jeff Goldblum? I have never enjoyed a superhero movie so much and there’s honestly not a lot of movies full stop that I’ve enjoyed more.

No.2: Captain Marvel. I will admit putting this over Black Panther is entirely subjective and like objectively from a critics stance it should probably be the other way around HOWEVER did BP have reunited wives? A cat that was actually an alien? Baby Nick Fury? Obligatory 90s jokes? Villain Jude Law? Really cool alien characters? I don’t think so!

No. 3: Black Panther. Like i said it’s mostly only below Captain Marvel bc given two things on fairly level footing I am always gonna prefer the more comedic one. However, literally all the major characters in this movie are actually just… really great characters and I’m including T’Challa, Shuri, Nakia, Okoye, Michael, the queen whose name I can’t remember (Ram…?), the lad who led the other tribe whose name I also can’t remember (started with M?), and Martin Freeman’s character in that and that’s a lot of people to successfully develop in one movie so on that alone it would have to be a top-rated one never mind that it was also enjoyable.

No. 4… Antman and the Wasp. The Antman movies are like criminally under appreciated by both critics and the fandom bc again. Great characters (Cassie, Hope, Hank, Scott, Luis, etc.), great relationships between those characters, in this movie especially a REALLY good villain like sure maybe Ghost’s like… power continuity could have been better but otherwise she was terrific, and also your main character getting consistently dunked on by his love interest and her father who’s also his mentor? What more could you want from a movie? Apart from that it be directed by Taika Waititi.

No.5: Far From Home, like… half bc of MJ but also Jake Gyllenhaal and Happy Hogan and Aunt May and Nick Fury. Like maybe the plot wasn’t the best piece of writing Marvel’s ever produced but it was pretty decent and this is the last Infinity Saga movie so they really just had to give us some fluffy fan service and they went over and above that both with the awkward high school romance and with Peter’s storyline about struggling with Being A Hero and Tony’s death and legacy. And also Jake Gyllenhaal.

No. 6: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 - it was sort of a letdown after the first one being probably my favourite phase 2 movie but like. It wasn’t awful. It was pretty fun. It had Baby Groot in it which obviously adds a +10 boost immediately. Gamora and Nebula had some cool scenes. Good conceptual message about rejecting toxic biological family for found family if a little messily executed at points. A guy called Taserface.

No 7: Spider-Man:Homecoming. Again like, it was okay? Obviously as a Spider-Man origin movie it was blown out of the water later on by Into the Spiderverse but that’s a given. I can’t actually remember a whole lot about it but it did properly introduce us to the MCU’s MJ and Aunt May and also Peter himself who is Baby so it gets points for that. Also all the ones from now on are starting to get actually bad and it wasn’t bad so. 7.

No. 8: Endgame. Ooh, putting Endgame above Civil War or Dr Strange. Daring, you may say. To which I say, a) Civil War was terrible, b) Dr Strange was racist and orientalist and I know this without having seen it, and c) Endgame honestly could have been a hell of a lot worse. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t /good/, but it did have some redeeming points - Thor’s storyline once you got rid of the fat jokes was good +we got to see Frigga and Valkyrie again, it was probably Natasha’s second best movie after The Winter Soldier even though she died (or possibly because of it that might have been why they let her have an Actual Personality), Clint had more than two lines even if they did sorta fuck up his Ronin storyline, and Tony’s storyline was also pretty good apart from you know the death. They fucked up Steve and they didn’t give Scott or Carol enough screen time and they didn’t let Nebula kill Thanos but those were their only major mistakes I think so for a 3 hour movie which had to follow Infinity War… it coulda been worse. And actually they did pretty well with Steve for most of it it was just the ending and the bits forced in prior to foreshadow it.

No. 9&10: Civil War and Doctor Strange. I’m merging these partly bc I haven’t seen the latter and so don’t want to independently rate it and partly bc the issues with them are sort of incomparable? Like from what I gather DS had an alright plot and also his sidekick seems cool from later movies it was just the Entirely Avoidable Racism, whereas Civil War was not racist (that I remember) but was just…. a mess. It was a fucking mess, and not in a good way. There’s a reason why the Civil War storyline took up an ENTIRE COMIC RUN and that’s because it’s the sort of plot line that requires an actual proper setup. Also almost everyone was out of character? And for T’Challa that’s because they didn’t know how to write him yet and for Natasha it’s bc she really just doesn’t have a franchise-consistent character but they had no excuse for everyone else??? And the worst part is most of the things that everyone did could have been justified in character, as fandom meta later showed, but they weren’t, again, set up properly. Also I find it hard to separate this from all the fucking fandom ‘Team Cap or Team Tony there’s no such thing as acknowledging maybe they both had points but also both did sucky things’ drama afterwards.

No. 11: Infinity War. Lads, I know you were trying to do your big grand finale movie but you failed… so bad. So bad that you literally had to kill off half your characters to make the next movie bearable. We all knew it would be terrible. We all knew you can’t fit that many characters into one movie. We been knowing. Also they killed off Loki in the first five minutes and wrecked Ragnarok’s entire ending so like……. bad start dudes. They tried to compensate for having too many characters by instead spending too much time on their villain, only somehow they still failed to make him understandable or compelling. They killed off Gamora as well as Loki. The only good part of this movie was that it set up Thor to join the Guardians and even then Endgame had to be there to follow it through. Wait also Peter Dinklage as a giant dwarf. And ‘dude you’re embarrassing me in front of the wizards’ and the scene with Peter and Tony and other Peter on the ship and our 2.5 seconds of Pepperony. But other than that it was just…. terrible. You bombed hard bros.

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avecorviidae · 4 years

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Fic: falling out of feeling

Fandom: Gorillaz Rating: T Relationship(s): Murdoc Niccals/Stuart “2D” Pot Word Count: 2246

Ao3 Link

It’s an unbearable number of minutes before 2D finally stops pretending to drink the shite canteen coffee and looks him in the eyes.

“How’s the place treating you, then?”

A neutral question, as far as things go. Or, it would be, if Murdoc were anywhere other than here.

“How do you think, faceache?” he spits, but it comes out weaker than he would’ve liked, bitterness giving way to exhaustion. 2D flinches back nonetheless, wincing as his eyes trace the steady line of reddish bruises up Murdoc’s jaw and into his hairline. Murdoc sneers, juts his jaw out, puts on a big old show of refusing to be ashamed. They’re being watched, after all, by the officers and the huge fuckoff sods who roughed him up, and their nice wives and mumsies come to see them, all of them gawking at the black-eyed bright blue poofter in the fucking patterned floral shirt who’s come to see Murdoc Niccals. Beyond that, though, beyond his cred, his inside rep, he’s putting it on for 2D, like he always does, the fuckoff-I-don’t-need-you strop he always throws before he crawls back every single time.

Trust 2D to toss it right back at him.

“Listen, Muds,” he starts abruptly, and Murdoc’s eyes snap up to him, already put on-edge by the tone. He’d thought 2D’s discomfort was about the locale, the sterile, grey visitation centre of Wormwood Scrubs pressing down around him, but Murdoc knows that tone, and a we need to talk by any other name still tastes as fucking sour.

“Muds,” he starts again, learning forward over the low plastic table, “my head’s not on straight right now, yeah?”

Murdoc bites back a when is it ever?, in favour of scowling in petulant silence.

2D’s voice takes on a desperate edge. “My head’s not on straight, and, look, Noodle’s got this mate, right? A bloke named Ace, and he’s a bit of a bassist I guess, has this nice place in L.A., and he’s invited me and Noods and Russ to maybe hang out and jam with him for a bit. And, Muds, I think I might take him up on it.”

Well.

At least he has the decency to look guilty about it.

“So that’s how it fucking is, then.”

“No, Murdoc,” 2D says, pleading, but Murdoc’s already pushing his chair back, ready to get the fuck out of here. His cell, the rec yard, even the communal fucking showers would be a welcome reprieve from this.

2D stands as well, leans over and grabs Murdoc’s wrist before he can react. “Look, I know you’re angry and you probably won’t cool down for a while, but I’m leaving you my phone number, yeah? And just, call me Muds, okay? Whenever. And if I don’t answer, I’ll call you back, quick as anything, okay?”

Murdoc blinks once, then tugs his hand away sharply, out of 2D’s grip. “And why the fuck would I ever want to call you?”

2D sighs, all the fight going out of him. The way he’s built, he looks like a marionette cut from its strings, all jutting bones and awkward angles. “At least take this,” he says, voice resigned. He rummages in his jean pockets, and after a moment, produces a crumpled tenner, dropping it on the table between them. He must��ve brought it for the canteen, Murdoc supposes.

He sneers. “What, and get hep A from the fucking beans on toast? I’ll pass, thanks.” Still, he pockets the cash, knows it could do him some good.

“Call me,” 2D repeats dully.

Murdoc leaves.

HMP WORMWOOD SCRUBS

INMATE PHONE CALL TRANSCRIPT OUTGOING: INMATE ID: #24602 INMATE NAME: MURDOC NICCALS

RECEIVING: STUART POT (LOS ANGELES, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA)

STUART POT: You called! Are you… Uh, are you alright, Muds? Not dying or anything, yeah?

MURDOC NICCALS: Me? I’m great, just fucking dandy, Dents, I’m just in fucking prison.

SP: Oi, don’t get snippy mate, you called me!

MN: Well. Had to make sure you were still kicking, didn’t I? Make sure this Ace bugger didn’t turn out to be some evil fucking serial killer out to murder my whole band, eh?

SP: [LAUGHS] He’s not evil, Muds. Just a bit, er. Thick.

MN: I’m sorry, are you fucking joking? You’re calling someone else thick? This bloke must be a fucking vegetable!

SP: Oh, sod off. He’s just, you know, a bit odd, innit? We were doing some shoots for a music video on Venice Beach, and we wanted a shot of him playing basketball with the locals, because he’s a bit of a local, right? Being American, and that. But one of these kids throws him the ball, and he catches it, and takes out a flipping flick knife and pops the bloody thing!

MN: [LAUGHS]

SP: It ain’t funny, Muds, they were right angry!

MN: Well that’s what you get, isn’t it? Filming a music video on Venice flaming Beach, for chrissakes. What’s it even about?

SP: Not about much, I guess. It’s a, a happy song I guess, so I just roller skated around for a bit, and we got some shots of all the folk milling about, and it was pretty good up until Ace pulled that shit. And Russel tripped me up, but I don’t know that he meant to.

MN: Rollerskating? 2D, what the fuck are you doing to my band?

SP: Just messing about, Muds. I think it’s turning out alright, so far, we’re cleaning up the audio for the rest of the album, and Jaime’s said he might wanna do these uh, things, these, visualizers for some of the songs, yeah? And it’s–

MN: Are you enjoying this? Getting to fucking gloat about replacing me in my own band, writing your hippie dippie alt-pop shit with some fucking Californian bassist, putting out a whole fucking album without me in my fucking band–

SP: But it’s my album! It’s your band, Muds, of course it’s your band, but I’ve got to do this, right, and you can’t take it like that, like we don’t want you back, ‘cos it’s not the same doing this without you. Ace is thick, Muds, seriously, musically thick, he just plays whatever me and Noodle tell him to, never adds anything himself. Which is alright for this I guess, ‘cos it’s my songs and I know what they’re supposed to sound like, but I keep hearing you in my head going, “And that’s where the synth oughta stop, you always want your stupid little midi solos, Dents–”

MN: [LAUGHS]

SP: Sod off, stop laughing! You sound just like that, you do, you always fucking barge in and say every song ought to go exactly your way, and we’d stay up half the night tweaking one chord progression over and over ‘cos we knew it didn’t sound right and I can’t do that without you, Muds, so quit saying I want rid of you, alright? I can’t keep doing this without you.

MN: Then don’t. Just fucking wait until I find a way out of here–

SP: I can’t, Murdoc. Not with these, yeah? I’m sorry.

[CALL END]

SP: Do you ever miss Kong?

MN: No.

SP: Go on. Not even a little bit?

MN: No! Why would I miss that infested, stinking pit of garbage?

SP: Sorry, are we talking about Kong or Plastic Beach?

MN: Bugger off. At least Plastic Beach wasn’t in fucking Essex.

SP: [Singing] The only way is–

MN: Stop. Stop! I could’ve gone the rest of my sad, miserable life without being reminded of fucking TOWIE. You really are a poof.

SP: Guilty. I miss Kong, though. Really, I do. I mean, not the smell, or that portal-thing you kept downstairs, or the bathrooms, or really anything about it, but… It was alright, the stuff we did in there, weren’t it?

MN: Alright? D, it wasn’t just alright, it was fucking revolutionary! Changed the international music scene forever–

SP: I miss when we’d order pizza in, and the Domino's delivery bloke always got lost on the way up, and ended up calling us all curled up in a ball crying ‘cause he saw a ghost or summink, and we had to go out and collect him.

MN: Ah, yeah. Think they blacklisted us eventually.

SP: And Noodle tearing through the place. Skateboarding up and down the hallways at midnight–

MN: –Screaming like a banshee in Japanese because we hadn’t been watching how much sugar she’d had, yeah. God, she were a great little sprogget, weren’t she?

SP: You know she’s seeing someone?

MN: What?

SP: Yeah! Some bird named Buttercup, lives round here apparently.

MN: She’s too young to be dating! You’ve told her she’s not allowed to be dating, Dents, fucking tell her!

SP: She’s twenty-summink, Muds, I don’t think we’re allowed to tell her what to do anymore. If we ever were, really.

MN: Still! What if she gets hurt! What if this Buttercup bird breaks her heart! I don’t trust anyone named fucking Buttercup, D.

SP: Me neither, really. I wanted to, you know, stand on the porch with a shotgun and be all, you have my daughter back by midnight young lady or there’ll be hell to pay, like in the movies, right? ‘Cept the place we’re in don’t have a porch, and Noods never brings her round anyways. The only reason I even know she exists is ‘cos Ace kept running his mouth when he weren’t supposed to. She were right angry at him for that.

MN: [LAUGHS] Good for her.

SP: I do… I miss the people we were when we were doing music at Kong.

MN: We were terrible people, D.

SP: Still are. But at least it was fun. Least it was just us up on a hill and half the fucking world weren’t watching us and writing articles every time we got high on something.

MN: D…

SP: I think I hate L.A., Muds. Really, I do. I know I was the one who wanted to come here, but I think, once this album’s done, I need a break. Middle of nowhere, you know? Not like Plastic Beach, but, us, like…

MN: Jamaica.

SP: Yeah. Yeah.

[CALL END]

HMP WORMWOOD SCRUBS

FORM BP-S383.058: INMATE PERSONAL PROPERTY RECORD NAME: MURDOC NICCALS ID: 24602 TYPE OF PROPERTY: COMPACT DISC QUANTITY: 1 DESCRIPTION:

JEWEL CASE CONTAINING: -ONE COMPACT DISC (C-D) OF ALBUM TITLED “THE NOW NOW” BY “GORILLAZ”

He looks tired. Probably not quite as haggard as Murdoc, one eye still bandaged over, half his face an inflamed, angry red, but still, he looks a bit like he walked off the plane high and half asleep and stumbled straight into the visitor centre. Hell, he might’ve.

He’s not making any pretenses about drinking the coffee, this time, but he’s got his skinny fingers wrapped around it, leeching warmth from the Styrofoam cup.

Murdoc blinks, winces, glances away. Doesn’t know how to start.

“I mean, do you get it now?” 2D asks, abrupt as ever. “Why I had to do it without you. I couldn’t just… I couldn’t let you play those songs, not like, not when they were for…” He trails off, scowls down into his cup.

“I know,” Murdoc murmurs. “S’why…”

He shakes his head, forces himself to spit it out. 2D gave him this, the least he can fucking do is stop being a coward and finally return the favour.

“S’why I couldn’t let you sing Plastic Beach alone.” 2D looks up at him sharply, eyes wide and disarming. “What?”

“I brought in so many collaborators so you’d make a story with them. Not think about me, or the lyrics I wrote, or why. Couldn’t listen to you singing my words back at me all alone.”

All at once, 2D’s face goes slack and soft with understanding. Murdoc finds himself unable to look away, skin crawling with shame and fear and a thousand other things, but still staring right back at 2D. He’d always found his eyes a bit unnerving, glassy and blank, like squid ink. Opaque and reflective, and Murdoc’s always seen more of himself that he wants to, when 2D looks at him like that, like there’s not another thing in the world that could possibly keep his focus.

2D hums, low and crooning, “I’ll wait to be forgiven, maybe I never will–”

“Don’t,” Murdoc says softly, “Stu, stop.”

Because of course he’d know, pick out the one that Murdoc can barely stand to think about. He was a showman, was 2D, and way back when they’d actually gotten Little Dragon to perform live with them, he’d sung to her full-throated, down on his knees pleading and bright and shining with sweat, had looked at her like nothing else existed–

Like he was looking at Murdoc now.

“We’re not good people,” Murdoc says, like he’s realizing it for the first time. He might be, in a way, because he can’t quite wrap his head around the kind of poetry they’ve been writing each other, like they’re the kind of people who pine, who love like that, who get to have that.

“That’s alright,” 2D says serenely. “I still try, sometimes. And I guess it’s never too late for you to start.”

“Cheeky shit,” Murdoc says, but he’s smiling, almost. “You’ll– Will you be there? When I get out of here?”

“‘Course, Muds.”

“Then I’ll start trying.”

#/#//#///#////#/////#robin fic #gorillaz fic #fic: falling out of feeling

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whoneedssexed · 5 years

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im a lesbian w a girlfriend and i feel.. indescribably comp het about a friend of ours.. i think he’s really funny and humor is the most attractive thing to me.. so i just feel this weird draw to him. im only attracted to girls, but everything in me is basically saying “JUMP HIS BONES!!” so im scared im gonna flirt with him and hurt my gf? :( idk what to do? how do i get rid of comp het feelings toward a man?

Are you sure the draw you feel isn’t actually platonic or aesthetic in nature? A lot of women mistake this as a sexual or romantic attraction, because of how hard it is pushed that men and women can’t be friends, and such. Thus, we believe we want them, when actually you’re just enjoying their presence. And it’s okay to strongly enjoy someone, it’s not a matter of actually growing “those” kinds of feelings towards them. They’re just a great friend whom you treasure, and are excited to be around and talk to.

It may also be possible you’re bicurious. In this case it’s possible to be attracted to another person besides your partner, and it not mean anything. We can like more than one person at a time, and no I don’t mean being polyamorous. This is normal, we still have an orientation even when in a relationship. When it becomes disrespectful is when it crosses a certain line, generally through pursuing that person despite your partner.

But the attraction should only be more like a passing crush, a phase. If you feel even more strongly attracted, it’s possible you might have more serious feelings for that person... which is its own mess to deal with, and you’ll have to decide for yourself what it is that is best for you, what you really want, etc...

@thatdiabolicalfeminist has a few posts on determining the difference between attraction and heteronormativity.

And you may also be having trouble in your relationship, causing you to “look for an out”... I don’t mean that you actually want things to end, but that your feelings are getting scrambled due to stress, or feelings of inadequacy/insecurity, or worry about the future, etc. This would then be a matter of tackling those issues in your relationship. And yes, this would include supposedly feeling attraction when you actually don’t - again, your brain is kind of stressing out right now.

Flirting can be a fun way to communicate, and doesn’t necessarily constitute cheating. A lot of people flirt to just talk. A lot of people even flirt without realizing it. A lot of people have different definitions of what constitutes as flirting... It’s a pretty normal way of acting around other people. This doesn’t mean there are underlying feelings or intentions.

I only say this so that you know your girlfriend may not be hurt by the flirting. That’s obviously something you two would have to discuss. Making assumptions about how the other person feels can be poison in a relationship, it’s best to directly ask and talk about something you’re worried about in them.

In general, you may want to talk to your girlfriend about this. She may be able to help you process them, and hiding these feelings from her could potentially cause trouble.

If nothing else, you may consider “breaking off” with this guy for a while to let these feelings die off. Just be around him less, talk to him less, etc. Sometimes the best way to kill favouritism and crushes is putting space between you.

(For the record - the term “compulsory heterosexuality” was coined by a TERF and some trans women, trans people, bi women, and even lesbians have indicated their discomfort with it because of that. The suggested alternative is “coercive heteronormativity”.)

- mod BP

#compulsory heterosexuality #coercive heteronormativity #heteronormativity #lesbian #lesbophobia #homophobia #lgbt #gay #dating #orientation #attraction #relationship advice #relationships #Anonymous #asks

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recentanimenews · 6 years

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INTERVIEW: The English Voices Behind the New "Fate/Stay Night" Movie

June 5th saw in the English dub premiere of Fate/stay night [Heaven's Feel] THE MOVIE 1.presage flower, and we took the opportunity to sit down with the English dub cast to ask a few questions. Bryce Papenbrook (voice of Shirou Emiya), Tony Oliver (ADR director and voice of Lancer), Cristina Vee (voice of Sakura Matou), Kyle McCarley (voice of Shinji Matou), and Kaiji Tang (voice of Archer) all sat down to share their thoughts on the film and the dubbing process that went into it.

Spoilers for the first movie ahead!

Tony Oliver

What makes Heaven's Feel different from the other routes?

Tony Oliver: What makes this a little different is that it's an expansion of the story. Where we had Unlimited Blade Works that followed Fate/Zero where we set up the story and laid out the characters in this universe, now the universe is getting bigger and starting to corrupt, and the outcomes... the consequences of what's come before in the previous two iterations are now being fleshed out in this one. Even though we're only a third of the way through, we're already seeing where it's taken some turns. So it's a little darker in that respect, and that's hard to believe but it is a little darker in the sense of where it's going, but also the characters are a little bit more fleshed out and we're seeing larger aspects of things we've seen before – only now we're seeing more dimensions of it. That's the difference for me.

Cristina Vee: There's a lot more Sakura.

Kaiji Tang: So, having previously been acquainted with the story elements of Heaven's Feel, I think the main difference is the tone and character relationships. In the two previous paths, the character relationships were much different. Like, for example, you saw during the mapo tofu scene that character and Shirou are going to have a bit of a different kind of on-screen relationship going forward. The plot of Heaven's Feel takes all the established lore and flips it onto its side, gives it a different perspective, and it's a lot more horror-elemented this time around. It's a lot darker and a lot creepier. It sort of gets more messed up as time goes along, so I'm really excited to see the next two.

For Tony, you've been involved with this since the original anime in 2006 where you voiced Lancer. Has your opinion of the franchise changed over time?

TO: My opinion of the franchise has matured. When I first worked on it in the original, first of all, I didn't like my character very much. I mean, I loved playing him, but as a person I didn't think he was... I didn't like him very much. So I kind of felt a little standoffish and it was also a little more steeped in some of the high school lore, where they come from, which has never been my cup of tea in terms of shows. When I started directing in Fate/Zero, I got to be more intimate with it and got to see it in a larger perspective. And so in that respect, my opinion has changed quite a bit and it's expanded and it's grown to be my favorite franchise I've ever worked on. Particularly Fate/Zero really affected me a lot. It's grown and I've come to appreciate it more and more, the storytelling.

Do any of you know anything from the other routes or past where the movie covered?

KT: Yes, absolutely, and I can't say anything without spoiling the rest of it. But on record, yes.

Any favorite characters beyond the ones you all voiced?

TO: Directing it, the character relationships are what I liked the most. I really enjoyed for instance, in Fate/Zero, the relationship between Waver and Rider was the one that gripped my heart the most. In Heaven's Feel, the relationships are still evolving, so it's kind of hard to find the right one. Except for kind of the eternal relationship that's going on between Shirou and Rin, which seems to come up in every iteration in a different way. And I like that each time they're still trying to find out whether they like each other or not. (laughs) And it's like, you know, go ahead and date already for crying out loud!

For Cristina, Sakura has had a pretty minor role in the other adaptations. How does it feel having her in the spotlight? Has your impression of her changed?

CV: Yeah, it's been really awesome to play the character and see her grow from the little girl who was thrown into the pit of worms repeatedly and to now figure out, to see that she kind of has this, I don't know what's going to happen, but I know it's going to be scary because I just have a feeling that she's the type of character that has a really scary turn. It's always the quiet meek ones. She's very quiet and meek, so she's going to be very scary.

Cristina Vee

It's something alright! Don't want to spoil anything!

TO: "I know something you don't know!"

Stay off the wiki! (laughter)

Bryce Papenbrook: I have not been spoiled either.

Kyle McCarley: I just was. About ten minutes ago.

KT: Oh yeah, who spoiled it for you?

KM: A fan. I asked. I was like, "I want to know."

(laughter)

Any favorite routes out of the three?

KT: Favorite is still Unlimited Blade Works by a very narrow margin because Heaven's Feel is tremendous.

TO: It's tough because they're kind of all my step-children. Zero, right now, is... it's not really a route... it's the basis, it's where it started and I thought the script was extraordinary and the story got to me. So Zero is my favorite out of all of them.

BP: I don't know the end of this route, so how can I choose?

Bryce Papenbrook

Now one for Bryce. What do you think of Shirou in Heaven's Feel compared to Unlimited Blade Works?

BP: Well, again, I'll still be diplomatic with my question. We haven't seen how this plays out, and at the end of the movie I was shocked. I have no idea what's going to happen in the second one, so how can I answer that question yet? But so far, what we've seen of Shirou, I mean, he's kind of shown in his relationship with Sakura, sort of like a very protective side, and I'm very interested to see where it goes.

One more for you, has there been any scene voicing Shirou in this or Unlimited Blade Works that you found particularly difficult to do?

BP: I think one thing that's been very demanding is playing it very real. In the directing, Tony has always asked me to give him something that has a lot of emotion without a lot of volume. It's lines that are deep with a lot of feeling, without doing much. So it's challenging, it's playing the role almost as a real person in there, and it's kind of a different vibe than most anime have, so trying to play it that way has been challenging. And I've found that just technically, I've been a little quiet, and especially in Heaven's Feel I've found that I had to increase my volume without increasing it too much, so to say. So he could hear what I was doing, but not let it disappear.

TO: Let me jump in on that, since these guys won't tell you this because they're humble, well kind of. (laughter) We're actors! But all of the parts they played are difficult in this. This is not your typical show where we're looking for a particular sound or a funny feel or something that's kind of surface for entertainment. The story calls for a lot of depth and a lot of depth of character, depth of the feeling. These characters are feeling nine things at once all in conflict, and we spend a lot of time what I call nuance chasing, just looking for that one little nugget that touches your heart. And it's really, really hard to do. What these guys do is really difficult. It's not just walking up and reading. So I'm gonna give them the props on that, because I do demand a lot, and the story demands a lot, and these guys are all up to it, and it's hard what they do, it really is.

Another one for you, actually. How do you feel about how Lancer is treated in each route?

(laughter)

TO: How is Lancer treated? Well, he dies early. In the game he does not; it's impossible to kill him in the game.

In Grand Order, he's immortal.

TO: It's amazing. But in the show, except for that one iteration, Grand Order, where I actually got to kill Archer and last more than two episodes... (laughs) He's a character that's about chivalry and posturing and grand ideas, and those are always the most fun to kill early. So I think he gets treated fine, it's what he needs to be. Somebody's got to be that character, so it has to be him.

KT: It's so weird that it's him, though, he's literally Irish Hercules. You'd think he'd be one of the last ones in every route.

Yeah, he's one of the strongest, but...

TO: But everyone who's been morally pure have kind of been the ones who get messed up the most. Look what's happening to Saber.

By the way, I loved seeing Saber Alter at the end of this one.

KT: Oh, Saber Alter, my favorite.

TO: I love the fact that we have an actor who can handle that, so well.

It's playing the same character in two different roles.

TO: Another thing that's hard to do.

Which you've done for Lancer in Grand Order as a Caster, right?

TO: Yes. Well, he was a Caster, he's still the same character, he just had a different skill. And got to win.

For once.

Is there anything you kept in mind, especially when you were directing? Anything from the original, anything that you really kept in mind through the whole thing?

TO: It's been important to all of us to maintain a consistency from story to story, so we do go back and revisit the characters. We go back to the original voice files and rematch. We remind ourselves what these characters are up to and what they've done before and do pay attention very much to the individual attributes that each character has. They do change a little from incarnation to incarnation, but the basis is very much the same, and it's just a matter of point of view, so we're very careful about that, remaining consistent across all of these various incarnations we see, and hopefully we didn't make any mistakes. And if we did, don't notice – please, thank you!

(laughter)

Kaiji Tang

One for Kaiji, what do you do to get into character as Archer?

KT: I guess my answer is a little weird because I'm very familiar with this character from the years prior of not only being familiar with character himself, but having played through a lot of the Fate stuff. I played through the original visual novel, all the way through, all three paths. I watched the original Studio DEEN anime. I've been an anime fan my whole life, so I've been very, very familiar with this character in particular. So when I got to read for him for the first time, it's a weird experience trying to come up with a character that you already know the foundation for. So it's like you don't want to lean too heavily on what's been done in the past, and at the same time you don't want to change so much that people are like "wait, that's a complete 180 from the character we're familiar with." So I guess it was a challenge in that I wanted to make something new with the old.

---

Skyler has been an anime fan since he first saw Naruto on Toonami in 2005. He loves action shows and strong character writing, and finds writing about himself in the third person awkward. Read more of his work at his blog apieceofanime.com and follow him on Twitter at Videogamep3.

By: [email protected]

#Anime #News #Latest in Anime News by Crunchyroll!

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