#6 birds to be exact i cooked 6 birds sorry

[hinamie]

the same flame that burns you; birthed you first

p1

#my art #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #gojo satoru #gojo #fanart #jjk fanart #tw body image// #ok i have done an entire two part icarian gojo series...can i rest now...am i free........ #I rendered all those birds. only 2 remember tht theyre FALLING and i wanted them BLURRY #my details.. #screaming crying throwing up etc #i suffer. this is my curse. #in other words i may b an idiot fr that but ! big fan of my me for the juxtaposition between this piece and the last #cold/unnatural/survival vs burning/truth/decay #dare i say i cooked #6 birds to be exact i cooked 6 birds sorry

[yelenasdiary]

A Widow's Bestfriend

Pairing: Yelena Belova x Reader

Summary: It’s Yelena birthday and for weeks you struggled to find her a gift. Finally when you did decide on a gift you worried she would like it, she proved you wrong. 

Fluff | 1.7K |

Translation: detka (baby), ангел (angel), 

AC: This is a little part 2 to Tiny Little Surprise because I enjoyed that a little more than I should’ve, and I thought of a little part two. As always, enjoy xx

You were used to waking up around 8-8:30am in a lonely bed, Yelena got up pretty early to train most days but since you surprised her with the little puppy you share with her, she gets up at 6 am just to take her for a morning run. You never heard a peep out of the two of them, maybe because Yelena was a trained spy and knew how to get around without making a sound but Franny? That little girl could bark! She’d park at the fridge until you caved in and gave her some extra raw chicken when Yelena wasn’t looking or she’d bark at the birds that would sometimes sit outside the living room window, almost like they were teasing her. 

But this morning you were up at 7:30am, it’s Yelena’s birthday and you wanted to make it special for her like you’ve successfully done each year since being together. You enjoyed baking and would bake her all her favourite things before making her all-time favourite meal for dinner, mac and cheese with hot sauce. How your lover never got sick of the dish was beyond you. 

Walking into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep from your eyes you smiled once you saw a fresh pot of coffee calling your name. Yelena knew what you’d be up too today and made sure you had everything you needed. The fridge was stocked, the pantry was overflowing, and the dishwasher was empty, ready for all the mess you’d soon be making. Sitting at the island, drinking your coffee the thought of Yelena seeing the gift you got her worried you. You stressed for weeks trying to find something, Yelena never asked for anything, and she never hinted for things. This made her the most stressful person to buy for. You settle for a couple of small gifts hoping she’d like them, if not you just hoped that Franny was enough to distract her from your poor choices. 

The sound of keys rattled at the front door with a muffled voice, “hang on Fran, let me open the door first”. You giggled to yourself knowing that Franny could probably smell the evidence of something cooking and she wanted to lick the floor clean of any drops. Franny was still only a couple of months old and her energy matched Yelena’s like a missing puzzle piece. A little bark came from the hall, following by the pattering of Franny’s paws running towards you. “Hi chubby girl” you chuckled once you saw the ball of fur sitting patiently at your feed, her tailing wagging in hopes you give her any crumb you had to offer. “Sorry baby but there isn’t anything up here for you today” you looked down at her as if she understood the word no.

“Good morning” Yelena smiled as she entered the kitchen. You dropped the rolling pin and quickly brushed your hands on your apron before turning to Yelena. She placed her hands softly on your hips as you wrapped yours around her neck. “Happy Birthday my love” you smiled, kissing her soft lips with care. “Thank you, detka” she nervously smiled. Birthdays weren’t exactly normal to Yelena yet. She wasn’t sure the exact date of her birthday, only the year, this is all thanks to the events of Red Room and them destroying her birth certificate. You told her to pick any day of the year and it would officially be her day. Once she picked, you marked on the calendar, February 20th, Yelena’s Birthday. 

“Do you want any help?” Yelena asked pulling you closer to her. “Excuse me Belova, it’s your day. This is your free card to get out of doing absolutely anything” you gave her a playful smile. “But I’d like to help” she added, looking at you with soft eyes. Even though birthdays made her slightly uncomfortable you tried your best to make them as normal as possible for her. You knew there were underling issues like her parents not being around much or never being able to remember past birthdays and the idea of all the attention on her scared her but she’d never admit that to you or anybody. “Well, if you so badly want to help, I guess you could get a start on the decorations”.

“Decorations?” Yelena tilted her head slightly to the right. 

“I may have invited a few people over for dinner” you smiled.

“Oh god, who?”

“Nat, Melina, Alexei, Kate, Wanda, the rest of the Avengers” you trailed on

This was the first time you were introducing Yelena to the idea of allowing others to celebrate her birthday as one big family. “It’s okay baby, it’s a dinner and some cake” you assured her after seeing the instant worry in her eyes. “I thought it was just going to be us three tonight” she spoke softly. “Wanda and the boys are bringing sparky so Franny will have a little friend” you kissed her forehead. “I promise, you’ll have a great time. I want everybody to celebrate you, you deserve it” you added. Franny barked at the two of you for not giving her any attention, you smiled before looking down at her. “Aint that right Franny, mamma is going to have a wonderful night” you cooed at the little pup. 

“Don’t do that” Yelena spoke playfully, her Russian accent coming in thick. 

“Do what?” you looked back at her with a smirk.

“You just told our fur baby that I would have a good time”

“Correction, I said wonderful” you chuckled as you bent down and picked Franny up. Instantly she licks your right cheek before trying to nibble at your nose. “Do you want to help mama pull the decorations out Franny?” you spoke, scratching behind her ear. 

“Ha! you mean literally” Yelena laughs as the image of Franny making a mess enters her mind. “Come Franny, let’s go set up my own birthday party” she smirks as you place Franny back on the floor. “Hey! You said you wanted to help” you playfully slap Yelena’s left arm. Yelena laughs as she walks off into the guest room where you’d stored the decorations, Franny following behind her, step by step. 

You returned to the baking and cooking, every now and then you’d watch Yelena pull out decoration after decoration, blowing up balloon after balloon while Franny tried to play with them as they floated peacefully on the floor of the dining room. 

“Franny you are not helping very much” you heard Yelena mumble causing you to smile to yourself as you whipped the icing for her cake. 

Once her cake was one you placed it in the fridge to keep it fresh before starting on the brownies, she has always loved from you. It would be a lie to say you didn’t have a sweet tooth. Your grandmother taught you most of what you know about baking, anytime you had a chance to bake you would take it without complaint. 

“Okay the baking is done!” you cheered to yourself, taking off your apron and hanging over the hook in the pantry. “What time is dinner?” you heard Yelena call from the living room. You walked in to see Franny asleep peacefully next to Yelena as she watched some action movie you’d never seen. “6pm” you smiled before sitting beside her. “Would you like your presents now or later?” you asked her. 

“Detka, we spoke about this, I don’t need gifts” Yelena paused her movie. 

“Stop being so stubborn, Yelena, I love you and I want to spoil you” you admitted. 

There was no arguing with you once you gave her your version of puppy eyes. “Fine, whenever you feel is best” she smiled. You sprung up from the sofa and rushed to the bedroom where you’d hid her gifts. 

You returned to an excited Yelena who was terrible at hiding it. “Here you go my baby” you smiled, hanging her a gift bag. 

“Thank you ангел” she smiled, kissing your cheek before she opened the gift bag. The first gift she pulled out were some small gold paw earrings. “For when you go on missions, and you miss Franny” you smiled. “I love them!!” she replied thankfully. The second gift she pulled out was a bottle of her favourite perfume that she was running low on. “You found more!?” her eyes lit up as she pulled the cap off to remember the smell. “It wasn’t easy I can assure you” you chuckled. Finally, the last gift she pulled out was a small vest. Her eyes quickly darted to yours. “You didn’t!” she spat with excitement. With a nod you watched her unfold the small vest that resembled one the same as hers. She smiled widely as she slightly woke Franny, “look Frans! You have your own little vest!!” she said, showing of the vest to the confused pup. 

“HA! It also has the same modifications as mine!” 

“I didn’t know what else to get you and then I thought about how much you loved your vest and how much you love Franny, I mean she’s literally your little best friend, so I thought why not get you matching vests” you explained, watching Yelena with happiness. 

“Does this mean I can tak- “

“Absolutely not” you cut her off without having to hear the rest of her question. 

“Oh, come on, please!!” she begged. 

“Yelena, you won’t be taking her on missions. I already miss you enough when you’re gone. Franny, she and I get to miss you together” you pointed out. 

“I didn’t think of it like that” Yelena got up and kissed you passionately. “I don’t know how you managed it but” Yelena paused as she looked deeply into your eyes. “But?” you questioned. “I’m so deeply in love with you” she said softly. Yelena rarely shared feelings like this, she usually showed her love for you in other ways, never words. “Yelena” you said, speechless. She kissed you more softly, “you’ve made me believe in something I didn’t know really existed” she added. “That being?” you asked. 

“True love” she said softly, her hands resting gently on your hips. You smiled, biting your bottom lip slightly. “I love you” you whispered before kissing her once more. Yelena wrapped her arms around you, pulling you close where you’d both stay like this for a moment, soaking up the moment. Yelena stole you heart 4 years ago and now, now you’ve just learnt you stole hers.  

Taglist: @red1culous | @bentleywolf29 | 

#yelena belova x reader #yelena belova #marvel #black widow #hawkeye #the avengers #fanfiction

[turnpage]

send me a ✐ for a random sentence starter from my muse (1-1500) — tw: profanity, mild nsfw, long list

generator here quotes compiled from here inspired by

feel free to change to fit your preferences as need.

❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜
 ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness.  ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives?  ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control.  ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly.  ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope —  It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together.  ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase.  ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord.  ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you.  ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory.  ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are.  ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences.  ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise.  ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table?  ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place?  ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death?  ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable.  ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you.  ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner.  ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away.  ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

#sentence starters #generate sentence prompts #rp meme #roleplay prompt #roleplay meme #prompt for writing #rp prompt #send emoji meme #long tw

[mnictasbcl]

Help me

Here is my next story for @connor-sent-by-cyberlife‘s #dbhcarolsandcircuits challenge, prompt DEC 6: Snowed in. 

Relationships: Hank Anderson & Connor, Connor & Amanda

Characters: Connor, Hank Anderson, Amanda

Tags: Amanda redemption, Fluff and angst, Hurt/Comfort, Snow, Blizzards, Swearing, Unreality

Summary: Connor and Hank get snowed in.

Connor looks outside the window, and thinks he sees… Amanda? Yet something isn’t right. She doesn’t look cold nor stern anymore. Only two words hang on her lips:

Help me.

Read it on AO3! Or, read below!

CHAPTER ONE: Snowed in

Connor woke up, looked out of the window, and froze.

Somehow, he couldn’t see fully out of the window. A slither was all that was left, a slither of light, the rest blocked out by a tall mound of white.

Snow.

He rubbed his eyes, looked again. It was still there. This would be… happy, right? When it had snowed earlier in the month, he’d made snowmen.

Of course, that was only a little bit of snow. A few inches, not so much that he couldn’t open the window for fear that it would all come falling in.

Pushing quickly out of his room, Connor came into the living room and saw the exact same sight. It wasn’t quite as bad, levels only reaching halfway up the window. But outside… it was deep. So deep that if he stepped in it, it would go up to his knees. His middle. Maybe further.

He looked away. It was fine, it wasn’t as if he had to go into it. Right?

Connor.

He jumped, turning back around at the familiar voice.

“Amanda?”

No one replied. He sighed, shaking his head. Just seeing things. It was just all that snow, making him see things.

But then there were footsteps. Not outside, not crunching on the snow—no, they were coming down the hallway.

He spun back around the other way, came face to face—

With Hank.

“Fuck… you seen the snow out there?”

“Yes.” He brushed a hand over his front, hoping it hid the way he tried to get his breathing back under control.

“Shit’s everywhere. Well, looks like we’re not working today. Oh, no…”

“You don’t… don’t sound very upset about it.”

Hank gave him a look, then sighed, shaking his head. “Nah. Nice to have a day off. Although the snow day’s extreme. Gonna have to shovel a path out later to take Sumo for a shit…”

The dog in question, sitting in his bed at the far side of the room, grumbled at Hank’s words.

“Be more polite, Hank.” Connor chuckled. “He’s a refined dog.”

“Oh, sorry. I meant—”

“I don’t think any of us want to know what you meant.” He laughed, then stopped. Knock, knock, knock…

He turned back around slowly; sure that he could hear the sound of tapping at the window. But no one was there.

“You alright?”

“Oh? Yes. Just the snow… hitting against the window.”

“Right. Uh… I’m gonna get some breakfast. Don’t offer to cook.”

“I won’t.”

Hank gave him another long, studying look, before walking back into the kitchen.

But Connor didn’t notice. He wasn’t paying attention, instead walking back over to the window. He was sure he saw someone walk past. Maybe it was nothing. After all, it’d been like a blur, a dot in the corner of his eye. A bird, perhaps.

Still, he stopped at the window and studied what he could see of outside for a while. The thick layer of snow on the ground, barely trod on, a clean white coating over the city of Detroit.

“Connor.”

He turned back around, looking at Hank.

“Yes?”

Hank looked up from the cereals he was pouring out. “What?”

“What do you want?”

“I… what?”

“You said my name.”

“Uh, no I didn’t.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

He shook his head, watched Hank for a moment more, then turned back to the window.

Amanda stared back at him.

He reeled backwards, tripping over his own feet and landing on a heap on the floor.

“Holy shit, you alright?”

Splaying out his hands behind him and looking back at the glass, no one was there. No Amanda. Just a plain white expanse of snow.

“I… tripped.”

Hank panted minutely as he came to a stop beside Connor, crouching down to help him up.

“You know I don’t believe you. You saw something.”

“I don’t follow.” He replied, reaching out blindly for Hank’s hand, eyes still fixed on the window.

“Outside. Something made you freak out.”

“I… maybe a bird flew past.”

“I was watching ya. Nothing flew past.”

“Oh… Watching me?”

“Yeah.” Hank helped him up before starting to push him towards the couch. “I thought you were actin’ funny so I watched you for a bit. I’m allowed to, ‘cause it looks like something’s wrong.”

“It’s…” He looked up from where he was sitting, eyes locking with the glitching form of Amanda before she disappeared in an instant, “It’s… complicated.”

“Might be half eight in the fuckin’ morning but I’m all ears. Tell me about it.”

“I don’t…”

“Connor.”

He looked up at Hank. The man nodded for him to continue. He opened his mouth—

“Connor.”

And looked up again. Standing behind Hank, outside the window, hands pressed up against the glass frame. Amanda.

“Amanda?”

“Uh… no, it’s Hank.”

He ignored Hank, getting back up on shaky legs, moving back towards the window. This time Amanda didn’t disappear, although it looked as if one rogue breeze might knock her out of existence.

She stared at him, something… different about her, he noticed, as she watched his movements. Her hands didn’t waver from the glass. Her blue dyed strand of hair was hung down, framing the side of her face. Black eye makeup trickled down beneath her eyes like ghostly tears.

Despite everything telling him not to, he pressed his hands against the glass, a thin layer separating his and Amanda’s hands.

“Help me.” Was all that she said, before disappearing again.

“Connor, what the—”

He turned around quickly, almost colliding with Hank.

“It’s Amanda… she’s…”

“Wait, wait, wait. Are you talking about that AI lady up in your brain? The one who tried to get you to shoot Markus?”

“I… it looks like her. But it isn’t her. It can’t be.”

“Connor, you said you deleted that garden. Or whatever it was. You said that she was gone.”

“I… we have to help her.”

“What? Are you sure she’s… uh, actually there?”

“What are you trying to insinuate?”

Hank held up his hands. “Nothing, nothing. I’m sorry. I just don’t understand.”

“It’s fine. I don’t understand either. All that I know is… she’s out there. She looks like she’s trapped.”

“Out…” Hank jerked a thumb towards the window, “there?”

“No. I think…” He held a finger against his LED, spinning yellow.

“No.”

“Hank, I—”

“You can’t go up there. It’s broken. You told me that, it’s broken as shit. Made you go all funky for days after you went in there.”

“There’s no choice! I need to see what I can do. What’s going on up there.”

“Are you sure it’s not another virus? Maybe it’s makin’ you see things?”

“It’s real, Hank.”

“Alright, I believe you… But if you’re going in there, tell me a way I can help you.”

“What?”

“If you start glitching out again, I don’t want to have to drag you back to New Jericho to get you fixed up. I don’t think I can in this snow.”

He nodded. “That’s a fair point. I… I’ll set up something on entering the Zen Garden. That if you tap my LED twice, I’ll be forced out of the garden. But only use that if—”

“I got it. I got it.”

Connor nodded, sitting back down on the couch. “I’ll… I’ll go in now.”

“Okay. You got this. Don’t fall for any fuckin’ traps, you hear me?”

He smiled, then closed his eyes, and entered the Zen Garden.

#dbhcarolsandcircuits #dbh #detroit become human #connor #hank #amanda #amanda redemption #dbh fanfic #fanfic

[keanureevesisbae]

The alluring charm of Henry Cavill - Chapter 6

Summary: Henry has some things to think about, especially after his agent Richard calls him

Henry Cavill x Adelaide Park (ofc)

Wordcount: 4k

Warnings: None

A/N: So it has been quite awhile since I updated this fic. Thank you for bearing with me! This chapter might not be the best, so I’m sorry in advance. But writing has been a pretty hard process for a few weeks. I can write a few important parts in a chapter, but it’s not a coherent story itself. It still needs tons of filler. However, I’m slowly but surely getting back into it! Also, I have reached 350 followers (353 to be exact) and I’m doing a little celebration, you can read about it here!

Masterlist // Previous chapter // Next chapter

Henry really needs to think this through.

He meant every single word that he said yesterday to Adelaide, he truly does. He is falling in love with her and he is falling way too hard, he is aware of that. He doesn’t even care about the stupid part of the show anymore, he just wants to get to know her and be around her. Right now and even after the show, with her is where he wants to be.

However, he also meant the other thing he said to her: she can go home if she feels like that’s for the best. However, deep down he doesn’t want her to go. Not yet at least.

That entire afternoon they had spend kissing, like they were two teenagers afraid of getting caught. By the time they had to go home, it was hard for him to focus and bounce back to their routine they had before their first kiss.

Should or shouldn’t he wrap his arm around her shoulders, push that strand of hair out of her face or use his thumb to wipe away the bits of food of her cheek?

During the night however, those doubts disappeared like snow in the sun. The whole world  would see how they slept after the haunted house incident, why stop now? While Adelaide was asleep, he would just stare at her, without her looking away as she would turn into a blushing mess.

He never expected her to be like the pro she is, but then he realizes: while she has never been in a relationship before, this woman is the queen of romantic comedies and the one that she starred in, all portrayed healthy relationships, compared to other movies. She knows what she deserves and while that is more than he can offer, he can always try.

Adelaide Park stole his heart and from the looks of it, she has no intentions on ever giving it back.

Not that he minds at all.

Over the course of the next few days, they do some challenges and somehow they manage to do pretty okay. For the YouTube page of the Celebrity Project, they even did a segment on how to cook some Korean dishes and the comments underneath were all about one thing.

Their chemistry.

He admits, there is a lot of chemistry between them and it may or may not have been multiplied ever since their kiss. During the cooking segment, he kept messing up, causing Adelaide to simply shake her head, before wrapping her fingers around his arm, placing the side of her head on his bicep. She would softy reassure him, something that not only warmed his heart, but also the hearts of the fans.

While they are second place now (the Biebers are behind them and Charlie and Jennifer are way ahead of them), they are the fan favorites and Adelaide continues to impress everyone watching.

Tomorrow they are going on a camping trip, as part of their final challenge. After that, it’ll all be over. No more camera’s, no more stupid challenges (meaning never eating fried tarantulas anymore) and it’s only him and her together, getting to know one another on an even deeper level. He even thought about maybe auditioning for her upcoming romantic comedy. Playing alongside her, that’s all he wants.

It is hard for Henry, not to kiss her every time he gets the chance. He looks at her as she is making breakfast for them, but the ringing of his phone disturbs their little moment. He sees it’s his agent Richard and he places his hand on the small of her back. ‘You need me for something?’ he asks her.

She looks up and shakes her head. ‘No, please, take it,’ she says. ‘I can manage.’ He earns himself a beautiful smile from Adelaide.

After he excused himself, he walks outside, away from the camera’s. ‘Yes, what do you want?’

‘You are not responding to my texts,’ Richard informs him of the obvious.

He sighs. ‘I have been busy.’

‘With Adelaide.’ He tries to formulate as a question, but his agent fails miserably.

‘What is that supposed to mean?’ Henry asks him annoyed. He really hasn’t got time for this, especially not when he can make breakfast with Adelaide, as part of their morning routine. He loves these little moments and their cottage has become such an important spot for them.

‘You’re losing, Henry. You know what that means, right?’ The asshole answers his own rhetorical question. ‘You’re not getting James Bond.’

He doesn’t care about James Bond anymore. He doesn’t even want to portray James Bond anymore. But he doesn’t want to come across as a simp. ‘We’re not too far behind,’ he says. ‘I’ll get her to man up, so we can win this.’ Like a dagger goes straight through his heart as he says that. He doesn’t want Adelaide to man up. He wants her to stay exactly the way she is.

‘Are you sure?’ Richard asks and he can even hear the cockiness and arrogance in his agent’s voice. The second Henry gets back, he is going to switch from agency. He hates Richard. ‘Because from the looks of it, she is continuing dragging you down.’

That is not the fucking case. ‘We’ll manage,’ Henry hisses through clenched jaws.

‘And I never knew you were such a good actor. I almost believe you actually care about her.’

‘Maybe after this I’ll get even more jobs.’ Henry doesn’t mean it and even saying it out loud, pains him, however, it left his lips before he could even think about it and that’s what worries him. Does he mean it deep down?

He looks over his shoulder, to see Adelaide placing everything on the table outside. He can’t possibly mean it, right? ‘I’ve got to go.’ Without waiting for Richard to answer, he hangs up and marches up to the table.

This idiot is making him furious from the inside, completely ruining his excellent mood. The only thing he wants is to spend his day with Adelaide, without distractions.

While he was fuming of anger a few seconds ago, all his annoyance disappears as he approaches her. ‘Just in time,’ she says with a genuine smile, that makes him regret all the things he said to Richard.

Normally he would sit across from her, but today he sits right next to her, as they watch over the garden. Birds fly from tree to tree, the clouds are slowly dissolving in the sky and a stray cat wanders around their yard. ‘What’s the plan for today?’ Henry asks, as he grabs a cracker from the plate.

‘I think we have… pre… per… pre-pa-ra-tion time for the the final challenge tomorrow.’ She looks a bit annoyed, for her tumbling over her words. ‘Fuck,’ she hisses under her breath.

‘Addy,’ he says in a soft voice, causing her to look up. ‘It’s okay, remember that. You are with me.’ He can’t help but push a strand of hair out of her face and as he is doing that, he knows this is what fans comment about, if this shot makes it into the episode. He doesn’t even care at this point. He actually quite enjoys the fact that they are the fan favorites now.

‘Sorry,’ she whispers, clearly a bit distraught from stumbling like that. She was doing great these past few days.

He decides not to continue this conversation, because he knows that it annoys her and makes her feel insecure. Especially on a beautiful day like this, he shouldn’t bring up something like that. ‘We could go into town, buy some things.’

She nods. ‘Of course. Sounds like fun.’

‘And maybe you and I could go for a swim later this evening.’

‘Why?’

‘Because it’s fun,’ he chuckles. ‘Maybe you can finally swim by yourself. Just a little bit. You’ve been doing so good these last few days.’

Adelaide simply smiles at him, before taking a bite of her cracker. ‘Maybe.’ She lets out a sigh, placing her head against his bicep. Despite them wanting to keep whatever they have a bit of a secret, he loves this moment and doesn’t care about the camera’s picking this up. He doesn’t care about eventual comments from the fans. The only thing he cares about is that she feels safe enough to let her guard down around him and be vulnerable like this.  

He places his hand on her leg. ‘I saw there is a little cafe, maybe we can have something to drink there.’

She nods. ‘Of course.’

They finish up their breakfast and she quickly tells him that she is going to put on some make-up and get dressed. He doesn’t think that she needs that, but he simply stares after her. When she’s out of his sight, he lets out a deep, slightly frustrated sigh that he had been holding in for a while now.

Richard is really annoying the shit out of him. He means, of course he wasn’t too excited about working with Adelaide in the first place, but that was before he got to know her. That was before she looked at him with those eyes of her, that hid so much, but on the other hand told him a lot. That was before he felt her body against his. That was before she sat on his lap and kissed him.

That afternoon, he was falling for her a little more with every kiss that they shared. It just clicked, it matched perfectly. Her petite frame fits right in his arms, like they were made for one another. He loves feeling her soft skin underneath his fingers.

‘Ready?’ Adelaide asks, when she walks back in. She is wearing a blush pink dress, that is pretty tight fitting. He bites his lip as he tries not to gawk at her, however he barely manages and simply nods. She grabs her purse and he holds out his hand. ‘What is it?’ she asks him, her voice as sweet as honey.

‘Give me your purse,’ he says with a smile. ‘Come on.’

Adelaide rolls her eyes and reluctantly hands him her purse. ‘Looks good on you,’ she chuckles. When they closed the door behind them, they decide not to take the car, but to walk instead. He holds out his arm for her to take. Her hand rests on his under arm, her finger nails grazing over his skin.

Henry can see them walking around like this in the future, her as his girlfriend and he wouldn’t be complaining about that at all.

◎ ◎ ◎

They have bought a few items, like some extra clothing and a first aid kit (that was something that Adelaide thought of), and now they are in a pretty fancy store, because Henry saw something in the window, that he really wants Adelaide to try on. He grabs the dress from the rack and a pair of heels that would match. ‘Try this on,’ Henry tells her.

She frowns, crossing her arms in front of her chest. ‘Why?’

‘Just to humor me. Pretty please.’

Adelaide simply rolls her eyes, before he spots a tiny smile on her face. She walks over to the changing room, as he follows her to shut the curtain. He watches as the camera’s start to spread over the store, capturing every moment. He hears her hum softly as she gets changed, forcing a smile on his face.

She is too adorable.

‘You done?’ Henry asks.

‘Almost,’ she says. ‘But you can open the curtain. Maybe you can even help me zip up.’

He would love that. With the upmost discretion, he opens the curtain, making sure the camera’s can’t pick up on them. ‘Give me kiss,’ he mouths, so the mic’s don’t pick up.

‘Why?’ she soundlessly whispers back,

‘Just do it,’ he says without making noise.

She steps into the heels, before leaning in to give him a soft kiss. Her plump and soft lips against his, nearly makes him hum in content. He wishes this moment could last forever, but it’s Adelaide that pulls him back into the real world. ‘Zip me up,’ she tells him, as she turns around.

He zips her up, glancing at her body and with a certain elegance and grace, Adelaide steps out of the changing room, twirling in front of the mirror. Henry has seen a few of her red carpet looks and he has to admit: she absolutely knows how to work the camera, with that an innocent look, but also a certain confidence.

‘You look beautiful,’ he says and quickly closes his mouth, because there is so much he wants to say to her. This tight black dress, shows off all her features that she should flaunt a lot more. The deep neckline, her exposed back and the way it hugs all her curves…

‘You like it?’ Adelaide asks him, looking at him through the mirror.

‘I don’t just like it, I love it, Addy,’ he admits, leaning with his shoulder against the wall.

‘Why did you want me to wear this, mister Cavill?’ she asks him, walking up to him, stopping right in front of him, with her hands resting on her hips.

‘Just because,’ he mumbles.

Adelaide scoffs. ‘That’s not a good enough reasoning for me.’

He wonders what it would be like to have an honest to God relationship with the lovely Adelaide Park. She teases him a lot, she uses him as a personal pillow and seems to enjoy his presence. Henry would love to do this a lot more often: take her out shopping. It doesn’t have to be extravagant like this, even a domestic run through the grocery store would suffice. Besides, just being around her would be all he needs.

Shit, he is really falling for her hard and fast.

Adelaide’s hand grazes over his chest and he places his on hers, engulfing her hand underneath his. ‘I just figured it would look beautiful on you and I was totally right.’

He can see it; she is lost in his eyes for a few seconds. She visibly shakes herself out of her thoughts, before simply rolling her eyes—a defense mechanism, pretending that she doesn’t care about his words, while actually she does. It’s adorable, really—and stepping back into the changing room. ‘Addy, give me the heels and dress.’

‘Why?’ he hears her ask from behind the curtain.

‘Because I’m going to buy them for you.’

‘I thought you were my partner, not my sugar daddy.’ She pulls the curtain aside and she is wearing her own dress again, while she is slipping on her own shoes again. ‘You don’t have to.’

‘I do,’ he tells her. ‘Please, let me buy this for you. Admit it: it looks really good on you.’

She scrunches up her nose. ‘It does,’ she whispers.

‘Then you should have it.’

‘It’s really expensive,’ Adelaide retorts.

‘Doesn’t matter. I have not one, but two cards with me. I think I will be fine.’ He takes the black dress and the heels with him and walks over to the counter, to pay for them.

Henry insists on carrying all the bags for her and when they arrive at the cafe, she slides next to him on the bench, so they can look at the pedestrians walking by. She sits so close to him, that he is afraid that she can hear his raising heartbeat. No matter how comfortable they are with one another right now, she still makes him a bit nervous.

‘You look forward to camping with me?’ she asks.

‘I look forward to do anything with you,’ Henry chuckles, causing her to blush intensely. ‘You’ve ever been camping before?’

That is such a stupid question, he thinks to himself. Probably not, since she told him about her family situation. If people barely have money for food, they don’t go on camping trips. Henry, you stupid fool.

She simply shakes her head and from the looks of it, she’s not bothered by his question. ‘You?’

‘As a kid, yeah. But I mostly just followed my dad.’

‘More experience than me,’ Adelaide chuckles. She takes a sip of her cappuccino and says: ‘Just have to tell you, that I don’t really like night time.’

‘Why not?’

‘It’s dark and outside,’ Adelaide tells him. ‘And I might be a little bit afraid in the dark, if you hadn’t noticed that already with the haunted house.’

Henry chuckles. ‘A little bit, but don’t you worry about a thing. I’m going to be right there with you. Besides,’ he says, ‘I don’t care about winning.’

‘Sure you do.’

He shakes his head. ‘No, I don’t and don’t fight me on that,’ he jokes, pinching her chubby cheek. ‘I just look forward to spend more time with you.’

◎ ◎ ◎

‘Henry, could you come in here?’

Adelaide’s voice is coming from the bathroom and he stops in front of the closed door. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asks, worry running through his veins.

‘There is a spider here and I want you to kill it.’

That’s actually quite the relief and it causes Henry to chuckle. He opens the door, only to discover that she is simply leaning against the wall. Adelaide places her finger on her lips and gestures to close the door. The door clicks shut behind him and she walks over to him. ‘What are you—’ He can’t finish his sentence, because she plants her lips on his, wrapping her arms around his neck. Henry melts against her body, placing his hands on her waist and chuckles. ‘Never knew you could be this sneaky, Addy.’ He lifts her on the counter and gives her another kiss. ‘I missed your lips.’

‘I missed yours too,’ she whispers. ‘I fear that this is because it’s all new and exciting, but I really can’t stop kissing you.’

He never expected her to be this bold, but he also feels like she has been holding back all along. The world is seeing one version of Adelaide Park, the one that she wants them to see, that she has gotten used to be. However, there is an even more complicated one hidden behind a large wall that she has build over the years. Slowly but surely, she lets her guard down every so often, to show him what she is like.

He can’t wait to see more of that.

‘I can’t stop either,’ he confesses, leaning in to kiss her again.

She tilts her head when he lets go of her, her thumbs slowly caressing his cheeks. ‘Henry,’ she whispers, ‘I’m worried for tomorrow.’

‘Why is that, Addy?’

She simply shrugs. ‘I’m just afraid that I’m going to let you down.’

Richards words flash through his mind for a single second, but he quickly shoves them aside. ‘Don’t be. I don’t care about winning anymore, especially because I won the greatest prize already.’ He buries his face in her nape, to press a delicate kiss on her skin. ‘We’ll see how it goes, okay? But remember, you and I are together every single minute. I’m not leaving you alone, because I know that is what you are worried about too.’

Adelaide nods, as she looks a bit caught. ‘Pinky promise?’

He holds out his pink, hooking it behind hers. ‘Pinky promise,’ he whispers, pressing a kiss on her fingers.

‘Now get out, I need to get ready for our swimming session.’ With a wide grin, she pushes him out of the bathroom and he can’t help but laugh. A blush is set on his cheeks and he grabs his own swimming trunks.

Henry sits on the bed, the smile still evident on his face. Shit, he is way too much into her. He waits as he hears Adelaide hum again, before she walks out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her body and a huge smile on her face.

After he changed into the blue shorts, he walks out of the cottage, towards the pool. Adelaide is already sitting on the edge, her back as straight as a ruler and he sits next to her. ‘Ready?’ Henry asks her.

She takes a deep breath. ‘I am.’

He gets in the cold water and places his hands in the dips of her waist. Henry enjoys these swimming moments they share together. Her body is always so close to his and the evening sun making her like an ethereal goddess. He knows that it’s hard for her to trust anyone, but he somehow managed to build something with her.

Like usual, she hisses as soon as she hits the water and wraps her arms tightly around his shoulders. Her legs snake around his hips and that is the first time that she does that. While he is not complaining, Henry continues to tell himself that his teen years are over and that this shouldn’t make him this excited.

Adelaide manages to actually sort of swim, but he keeps his hand on her stomach, making sure she keeps floating. ‘Don’t let go of me,’ she tells him.

‘I wouldn’t dare.’

The water hits her in her face, but she starts to laugh.

‘You’re almost there, Addy,’ Henry encourages her and she places her underarms on the edge.

A chuckle of disbelieve leaves her lips. ‘I did it, Henry!’ She wraps her arms around his shoulders.

He pulls her closer to his body. ‘I’m so proud of you,’ he tells her. She pulls back and from the looks of it, it seems like she doesn’t care about hiding anymore, not when his hands are placed on her back. Her hot breath makes his lips tingle. ‘Thank you.’

It takes him all of his willpower not to lean in and kiss her, because the temptation is nearly killing him. He kissed her a few times today, however it’s not enough. He can’t stop thinking about her, about kissing her non stop and getting to know her even more. Maybe it’s because it’s all new and exciting.

Adelaide starts to shiver a bit and he presses his forehead against her temple. ‘Let’s get out of the pool. It’s becoming colder.’

He gets out and grabs her towel, holding it out her for her, wrapping her up in her large towel. He doesn’t want to let her go, but he keeps thinking to himself that in a matter of a few days, she is all his and the camera’s are finally out.

Adelaide takes a quick hot shower and walks over to the bed all dressed in her pajamas. He quickly gets himself ready, before he steps in the bed with her. He shuts out the lights, wrapping his arm around her upper body, as he presses his chest against her back. ‘Sleep tight,’ he whispers, burying his face in the back of her neck.

‘Good night,’ she says, holding his hand tightly in hers.

It doesn’t take long before he feels her asleep. He doesn’t know how she does it, but she always falls asleep pretty quickly and he has spend enough nights next to her to hear the change of her breathing. She twists and turns in his arms, like she usually does. Adelaide turns around and wraps her arm and leg around him and her face in the crook of his neck. He simply holds her body closely to his, as he feels her lips against his skin.

Henry’s fingers run through her hair and carefully presses a kiss on top of her head. He doesn’t care about winning anymore.

The one thing he cares about, is Adelaide Park.

#henry cavill #henry cavill x ofc #henry cavill x oc #henry cavill x asian ofc #henry cavill fandom #henry cavill fanfic #henry cavill x adelaide park #the alluring charm of henry cavill #asian ofc #adelaide park

[ladyreapermc]

Birthday Challenge Day 6 (1995)

Requested by: @penwieldingdreamer​

Song: Back for Good by Take That

Wordcount: 934

Warnings: Mostly fluff

Pairing: Jack Traven x Reader

His fingers drummed on the leather of the steering wheel, impatient and anxious. His breath came in hot, short pants. Jack had a few too many to drink tonight and whatever was left of his sober and sane brain knew this wasn’t the best time to do this, but the biggest, most inebriated side of him was very keen on seeing you.

Jack didn’t even know anymore why the two of you had fought. It was something stupid, at least that what it felt like for him. An inconsequential thing that was blown out of proportion by your short temper and his inability to admit when he was wrong.

That had been two weeks ago and ever since you hadn’t come to his place or answered his calls and it was driving Jack crazy because he missed you. He missed waking up next to you and going to sleep with you. He missed the sweet peck on his cheek whenever he was leaving for work and the heated, welcoming kiss when he came back.

He missed the way you would hog the blankets, your offkey singing whenever you were cooking and how you always wrapped your arms around him whenever he was doing the dishes or how you cuddled against his side whenever you two were watching a movie. Jack missed you, plain and simple. Missed you enough to swallow his stupid pride and come crawling back.

It did help that Harry nearly kicked his ass when he heard the entire thing. His exact words were:

“It doesn’t matter if you think you’re right. If you love her as much as I know you do, suck it up, be a man and apologize Goddamnit! She’s too good for you. Don’t fuck this up.”

So here Jack was, drunk and needy and ready to beg you to take him back. Maybe. If he managed to swallow the last bit of his pride and step out of his car without throwing up on his shoes.

The knock on his window made Jack jump, hand flying to his waistband where his holster would be, but finding it empty since he was off duty. Once his heart finally settled in his chest and his vision cleared enough for him to make out your features in the dark street, Jack lowered his window, giving you a sheepish smile at the sight of your scowl.

“You’ve been parked outside my place for the last hour like a creeper. Peter almost called the cops on you,” you said with a glare and now Jack remembered why the two of you fought. Peter, the new neighbor that had been way too friendly with you.

“I bet Peter would love to see me arrested,” Jack slurred, jealousy churning on his stomach. Of maybe it was the whiskey.

“Not this again,” you huffed and rolled your eyes. “Get out.”

“What?” Jack stared at you in confusion.

“You’re drunk, Jack. You can’t drive home, so get out,” you ordered again, and Jack finally obeyed, all but falling in your arms. And for such a tiny woman, you were surprisingly strong, because you didn’t fall under his way.

“I love you,” Jack babbled as you guided his staggering steps towards your house. “And I missed you so much. I’m so sorry, kitten.”

“You’re always sorry,” you complained, pushing the door open and letting Jack walk in. “But you keep doing it. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t trust me.”

“I trust you!” he declared, falling on the couch. “It’s Peter I don’t trust. He’s trying to get into your pants. I know it.”

“Doesn’t matter what Peter wants,” you said, dropping on the couch next to Jack. “Because I love you, idiot, and I wanna be with you.”

“So, will you take me back?” Jack asked, hope fluttering in his heart like a bird locked in his ribcage. “For good?”

“Do you promise to trust me and stop being ironic and snappy at Peter?” you asked, one eyebrow cocked, arms crossed over your chest.

“I promise to try really hard.” Jack once again flashed that sheepish smile and you sighed, shaking your head. “Look, I’m never gonna like him. I never gonna like anyone who looks at you like they’re undressing you with their eyes, but I do trust you, ok? And I’ll do my best not to be an asshole even if I’m jealous. How about that?”

“Alright,” you relented, giving him a small smile, but when Jack leaned closer to kiss you, you pressed a hand against his chest and shaking your head. “Oh no, mister. You stink. Shower, aspirin, then bed.”

“Just one? I really missed you.” He pouted, working his kicked puppy look. You narrowed your eyes at him in consideration, before pressing a quick peck on his lips.

“There. Now shower.”

Before you could move further, Jack caught you in his arms, pulling you closer, catching your lips in a hard, searing kiss. You melted against his embrace, any protest against the strong taste of liquor on his tongue forgotten as wetness spread between your legs.

“Shower, aspiring then I’m gonna fuck you so hard you’re gonna feel me for a week,” Jack spoke against your lips, a smirk in place. “I need to make up for lost time.”

“Okay,” you smirked back, kissing him once more. “Anything I want?”

“Anything,” Jack assured.

“Hope you brought your handcuffs, Officer,” you said with a malicious glint on your eyes, getting up and offering Jack a hand to bring him back to his feet as well, leading the way to the bedroom.

xxx

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#keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves imagine #keanu reeves x reader #keanu reeves x you #jack traven x reader #jack traven x you #speed 1994 #song drabble

[happys-crazy-queen22]

Title: The Future Brings The Past

Gif credit @timbradford

I hope you all enjoy.

Happy Reading Dollies.

Taglist: @jesseswartzwelder. @nocturnalherb16.

Warning: Suicide, attempted murder of a unborn child.

Hank came home after a tough shift, the case he was working on had something to do with Justin. Justin seemed to be up to his old ways again.

He walked into the house like he always did, put his keys in the bowl by the door, kicked his shoes off and locked his gun in the safe. But something was off tonight. There was no sound of you in the kitchen, no humming to music that softly played in the background. No smell of food cooking like always.

Hank felt uneasy, he got his gun out of the safe and pointed it towards the living room as he tip toed across the hardwood floors. He wanted to call out your name but he knew that wasn't a good idea, if there was someone in the house. As he got to the kitchen he saw your painted toenails, he followed your legs they were tied to a chair. He saw that you were tied up and tape across your mouth. Then he noticed the big man beside you with a gun pointed to your head. You were crying and trembling. Your chest was heaving up and down as you panicked.

Hank reached for his phone, he got it out but that was the last thing he remembered as he was struck on the back of his head. Another intruder came up behind him without him knowing and hit him over the head with the end of a gun. You struggled to get loose as you saw his body drop in front of you. A spot of read on his head.

Hank groaned as he moved. His body hurt, felt like he was run over by a mac truck. He brought his left hand to his head and hissed as he grazed the gash in his head. He tried lifting his right hand but he was handcuffed to the heating radiator.

Hank looked up seeing you still tied to a chair and the intruder from last night standing over you. He suspected the one that hit him over the head was standing beside you as well.

"Sergeant Hank Voight, its a pleasure to finally meet you. Justin has talked about you so much". Said the one that had the gun pointed to your head with a chuckle. Voights gun to be exact.  The other stood snickering.

"Whatever you want, take it. Just let her go". Hanks husky voice was dry as he spoke.

"I'll keep that in mind. But for right now I need you to give me the combination to the safe in the basement or your pretty little girlfriend gets it". He nudged your head with the gun.

"No, I can't". Hank struggled agains the cuffs.

"You better tell us or I swear I'll kill her. I'll make you watch as she slowly and very painfully dies". The other one stepped in front of Hank. Which Hank took the opportunity to kick the guys legs out from underneath him and put him in a visegrip with his own legs. Squeezing the life out of him.

"Let him go now". The bigger intruder put the gun on Hank. But Hank didn't blink a eye as he starred into the man's eyes with the barrel of the gun pointed to his head.

"Let him go now". He warned again and cocked the gun. Hank resisted at first but he looked behind the man in front of him and saw you crying and your eyes tightly shut. He let go and the second intruder started coughing and wheezing. Hank met the end of the gun again but it didn't knock him out.

"So you're playing hard. I like the challenge". The big man took out a trash bag and threw it over your head. He was suffocating you. You struggled to breath. The air was being sucked from your lungs as you gasped.

Hank started screaming, kicking his legs as the second man came closer.

"Let her go. She's pregnant". Hank yelled his face turning red, the little vein bulging out on his neck.

The big man laughed as he loosed the bag, letting fresh air in. You sucked it in as fast as it came.

"So you're telling me we have the Sergeant of Chicago's girlfriend and unborn child in my hands? Wow. That will be an amazing reward if they found them both dead. Killing two birds with one stone".

"Let them go and you can have me. I'm worth more to Chicago then they are".

"But they're worth more to you than your own life so I think im going to keep them". He tightened the grip on the bag, taking your oxygen away once more.

"Please, stop". Hank screams as he saw your body go limp.

"Tell me the code".

"Fine". He said with a whisper, his head hanged low.

The big man let go of the bag, still on your head and walked over to Hank, who had tears running down his face.

"I suggest you tell me or after I'm done with your girlfriend I'm going to cut your child out of her. Then I'm going to kill you and leave you on the steps of your sons".

"8-6-12-26". Hank said beat.

"See now was that so hard"? He tapped Hanks cheek with his hand. He got up and walked with the other guy to the basement.  Hank struggled again with the cuffs. Pulling and trying to get his hand free. He managed to get out but at the cost of his hand. It was broken and bleeding as he ran to you. He ripped the bag off your head and checked your pulse. It was there but hardly. He went to the house phone and called 911, they were sending his team and a ambulance to his address.

Hank went to his desk and got out the gun he keeps hidden, he carefully and silently went down the basement steps. The two intruders were going through the safe. Their backs turned as Hank hit the bottom step.

"Find what you were looking for"? Hank spoke spooking them. The big man drew his gun as Hank shot off a shot towards the little man wounding him in the abdomen. He fell to the ground, the bag he had all the contents scattered on the floor.

"I'm leaving and you're going to let me. Or I'll finish your whole family off". The big man demanded. Hank shook his head, the sound of boots hitting the floor above him scared the big man. He fired off shots. Not looking where they went as he lunged towards the window. Hank ran after him as the glass was broken and he was crawling threw.

Hank grabbed his feet, trying to pull him back in but the big man kick Hank in the face. Planting Hank on the floor.

"Hank"!! Antonio's voice rang threw out the basement. The big man got free...for now.

Hank didn't bother to let Antonio look him over or to see if the other guy was alive. He took off up stairs and saw you were being taken out of a stretcher. He followed you out and got in. He was going with you while the team searched.

Hank got his hand bandaged up and the doctor was checking you and the baby out. You were with out oxygen for a little while so they monitored the baby but you on oxygen and made sure you were stable.

Hank kicked himself as he saw the state of you and his unborn child. He could get what the big man said out of his mind.

"Sergeant"? Jay approached Hank with caution.

"Yeah"?

"The suspect didn't make it but we got a name from his ID". Jay handed Hank a piece of paper.

"Any leads on the second guy"?

"No. But we're working on it. We're going to find this guy". Jay reassured him.

"I know we are. I won't stop until he's dead. Now Jay you're going to stay here and make sure no one comes in this room without a ID. If they look suspicious or you get a weary feeling call me. Got it"?

"Yes, Sir".

"Good. I'm going to pay my son a little visit". Hank gritted his teeth as he walked out of the hospital and into Jay's SUV. He gunned it to his sons house to get answers.

"What kind of trouble are you into"? Hank growled as his son backed away from him.

"I don't know what you're talking about". Justin's voice trembled. Hank chuckled and gripped the chair that was in front of him but that chuckled turned into Hank picking the chair up and throwing it against the wall. Justin jumped back.

"You don't know? Two men broke into my house, tied Y/N up and knocked me out. They cuffed me to the radiator and made me watch them put a bag over Y/Ns head as he suffocated her. She's pregnant Justin. Do you know what lack of oxygen can do to a expecting mother and her child? You could have gotten them both killed". Hank sternly yelled.

"I didnt know they were going to come after you. I just wanted out".

"They didn't come after me, they came after my family. So what have you gotten yourself into, Justin? Tell me the truth". 

"I'm sorry dad. I'm in deep". Justin broke down in front of Hank. Hank sighed and walked over to his son bringing him into a hug.

"It's going to be okay. We're going to get through this but you have to tell me the truth from now on. No more secrets".

"Okay". Justin sniffled, wiping his nose with the back of his hand.

"So who were they"?

"Some guys I met at a bar. They were asking around the bar, they wanted guys to help with a job. But it seems they knew who I was and singled me out".

"Names, Justin? Addresses"?

"I just know their names. Brad and Mark Willson. They're brothers".

"You did good, Justin. I'm going to send someone to get you and take you to the hospital. You can help Jay watch out for them".

"I'm sorry dad".

"It's all going to be okay". Hank rubbed his sons shoulder, comforting him. Justin went to pack a bag as Hank called the station putting out a ABP about the brother that escaped. He called Jay to warn him.

"Voight"? Mouse spoke over the phone.

"Yeah? What do you got"?

"The Willson brothers are the sons of Andrew Willson". "The brother you killed in the house was Brad, the other is Mark, the oldest".

"I've heard that name before".

"You should. You arrested him early last year for six counts of murder. He got killed in prison. His family sued the state and lost".

"So they sault out Justin to get to me. They want revenge. They blame me".

"I'm assuming that. Yes".

"Okay, just keep a track on his phone and find him".

"Yes, sir". The line went dead as Hank heard a crash upstairs. He grabbed his gun from his holster and tip toed up stairs. The noise got louder as he came to justins room. A familiar voice made Hank grip his gun tighter, his finger on the trigger.

"You're gonna die, boy". Mark hand his hands around Justin's throat as they wrestled on the floor.

"Let him go. Your problem is with me, not my family". Hank pointed the gun at Mark's head.

Mark let go of Justin and got off him standing with his hands in the air.

"You figured me out".

"It was easy. I just saw the resemblance of a murderer in your eyes".

"My father didnt kill those people".

"There was tons of evidence to put him away, its not my fault he got himself killed".

"It is, you put him there". Mark drew a gun and pointed it at Hank.

"I was doing my job".

"But you were wrong. My dad wasnt a killer. He loved his family".

"That was just a cover. Deep down he was a serial killer. If we didn't put him away, he would have killed you, your brother or your mom".

"You're lying". Mark screamed, his gun shaking in his hand.

"Did you happen to read those papers in your hands when you got them out of the safe"?

"No".

"Then you would have seen your father's confession. Telling me everything he did to those people. How he cut them up and fed them to the sharks. How he did it in your garage. He did it right under your nose and you knew nothing. That's how he fooled you. Always being there but he was never really there".

"Shut up, you're lying".

"I'm not". Hank shook his head.

"Now put the gun down".

"You think I'm stupid? If i walk out of this house I'll be put inside and killed just like he was".

Mark turned the gun on himself, je rested the gun under his chin.

"Don't do it, it's not worth it. Think about your mom, do you really want her burying two sons at once"?

"It's better this way, to save her from the embarrassment". Mark shut his eyes and pulled the trigger, Hank tried to grab the gun before it went off but it was to late. Mark's brains were all over Justin's celling and wall. His body hit the ground with a thud. Hank rushed over to Justin who was still out, he called for back up and a ambulance.

Justin was treated on the scene and Hank gave his statement. All he was thinking about was his family in the hospital.

After they let Hank go and sent Justin to the hospital for observation. Hank went to see you.

You were sitting up in bed, talking to Jay.

"Hey there". You say as Hank walks in.

Jay excused himself and Hank took his seat beside you.

"Everything okay"? You asked, taking Hank's hand in yours.

"Yeah, just a hard couple of days".

"How's Justin"?

"He'll be fine. Well at least until I send him off to training".

"Don't be to hard on him. We're fine. The baby is healthy and doesn't seem to be hurt".

"You sure? I was there". Hank rested his free hand on your stomach.

"Yeah, the doctor did tons of test and ultrasounds. Our son is happy, healthy and kicking up a storm".

"It's a boy"? Hank lite up as he heard.

"Can you handle another son"? You asked with a chuckle but was serious.

"Yeah, but I'm doing things differently this time".

"Don't change to much. Justin's a good kid, he just gets mixed up with the wrong people".

"Then our sons friends will have a back ground check and so will their parents. I'm not taking any chances".

"Oh, Hank". You rubbed his cheek with your thumb.

"I'm also going to be more careful with bringing my work home and into my life".

"I know. We'll take it one day at a time". You kissed his lips. Hank was worried about his unborn son and the life of a cop coming to haunt him. But he'll do anything to protect you and his sons.

#hank voight imagines #hank voight x reader #hank voight chicago pd #hank voight fanfiction #hank voight #chicago pd fanfiction #chicago pd #chicago pd imagine #happys crazy queen22

[needtherapy]

soaring, carried aloft on the wind...continued 9

A story for Xichen and Mingjue, in another time and another place.

The Beifeng, the mighty empire of the north, invaded more than a year ago, moving inexorably south and east.

In order to buy peace, the chief of the Lan clan has given the Beifeng warlord a gift, his second oldest son in marriage. However, when Xichen finds out he makes a plan.

He, too, can give a gift to the Beifeng warlord, and he will not regret it.

Part 1: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 … HOME

It’s on AO3 here if that’s easier to read.

NOTES: This story starts out G but will eventually be E for Explicit. (warning in this chapter for reference to prior attempted assault)

For translations of the entirely fictitious Beifeng language, you’ll have to scroll to notes. I’m only going to translate something that’s not clear in the text. Sadly, there’s just not any other good way to do it on Tumblr!

Chapter 9

Qingyang doesn’t come to Xichen’s tent in the morning for lessons, and Xichen only waits for the time it takes to play Tranquility once before he goes to find her.

If it was Huaisang, he wouldn’t be concerned, but Qingyang is always prompt. He considers the possibilities. Even though she spends so much of her day with him, she is still a cartographer, so it’s possible she merely forgot to tell him she would be working on something else. But this is a war. This is an army. He can’t help but worry.

His first thought is to check the command center, where he assumes Huaisang and Mingjue are. But he’s never been, and it’s next to Mingjue’s tent. If he has to ask directions....

No, it makes more sense to go to the tent Qingyang’s shares with some of the other single women in the area of the camp designated for non-military officials. He has, at least, been there once, and if she isn’t there, then he can consider looking for her somewhere else. The commissary perhaps?

He isn’t nervous to see Mingjue, he tells himself, walking through the organized city of tents. He is being logical.

Xichen hesitates on the threshold of the tent he knows is Qingyang’s from the yellow and white peonies painted around the door. It seems intrusive to barge in, but he hears a noise from inside, something close to a sob, and he peeks in, noting the sparse accommodations in this tent. Each woman has a bedroll—thick, but still directly on the ground—and a small trunk, presumably with personal belongings. It makes sense for an army to live lightly, but it makes him wish his own space was a little less ostentatious. What must Qingyang think of him?

He sees her immediately, the source of the sound that had caught his attention. He has grown so accustomed to Qingyang’s cheerful resilience, it is a shock to see her hunched on the edge of her bed, face in her hands, crying.

“Qingyang?” he asks, and she jolts, shooting to her feet and wiping away the tears.

“Xichen, I’m sorry, I’m late. I...I’m fine. Just homesick, I guess,” she stammers, forcing a smile onto her face.

He accepts the lie. If she doesn’t want to tell him, he’s not going to ask. He has already overstepped more than he should have.

“No apology necessary. I was worried for you. Will you come with me and have breakfast? Perhaps we can even track down something more palatable than Beifeng tea,” he tries to joke, and she laughs, thin and wispy, but since she’s making the effort, he chuckles too.

She nods and grabs a long cotton shawl, woven in a bright stripes as the Beifeng women wear. They walk through the rows quietly. Qingyang seems lost in thought, and Xichen doesn’t want to interrupt. Instead, he tucks an arm behind his back and observes the tents they pass.

The encampment is organized into companies, and each company is arranged around a small common area that has at least a fire pit, but many of them have logs to sit on, cooking pots, huge wash tubs, even the occasional tethered horse. The tents are identical, but some of them have personal touches: lanterns over entryways, strings of bells tinkling in the breeze, drawings of horses and birds, mountains and trees around the tent flaps. The army has been here nearly a year, he thinks. Long enough to yearn for home.

Qingyang stiffens and stops, wrapping her shawl more tightly around her body.

“Not that way,” she hisses, and Xichen turns in the direction she is staring.

There is a tall man standing at the end of a row of tents watching them. Watching Qingyang. Xichen knows very few of the Beifeng soldiers by sight—only the guards at his door and a few he’s seen at the hospital. He knows some of the healers, some of the kitchen staff, and the woman who cleans his tent. He has never seen this man. He’s sure he’d remember him. His face looks sculpted by a rough chisel and a hurried artist, distinct and somewhat disquieting. When the man catches sight of Xichen, his expression turns flat and cold.

A warning prickles the back of his neck, and he doesn’t blame Qingyang for wanting to avoid this person. They turn down another row, both hurrying their pace.

“Hewnta!” the man’s deep voice calls from behind him. “Etan Hewnta, iko om touha?

Xichen turns. The man is right on their heels. Xichen doesn’t know the word “Hewnta,” but the man warps it into something spiteful, and he doesn’t need the exact translation to know it’s an insult.

“Dei. Em ereda anha outam,” he says firmly, putting himself between the approaching threat and Qingyang.

Xichen expects the tall man to back down. In only a few scant weeks, he’s grown accustomed to the Beifeng treating him with deference, sometimes even fear. He disliked the implication at first, but there didn’t seem to be anything he could do about it.

He doesn’t expect the man to argue. He definitely doesn’t expect three other people, a woman and two men, to step into the row with the tall man.

Roka ta em ereda kei dikas,” the tall man snarls. “Roka eko em ereda kei dikas hako, egadi.”

It’s easy enough for Xichen to recognize that he’s being cursed without knowing exactly how, but the man looks past him, pointing, aiming his cruelty at Qingyang. She bites her lip and looks away from Xichen, as though hiding the injury means it doesn’t hurt, and there’s too much it reminds him of, too much reflection of his brother in her eyes for Xichen to walk away.

Xichen narrows his eyes and holds up his hand. “Dei,” he repeats. “Ereda irumaka.”

The man roars with laughter, and Xichen is done placating. He grasps the hand still raised toward Qingyang and pushes just enough of his power into the tall man to force him to one knee. The man’s laughter breaks off, replaced with rage, but he stays down.

“Xichen, stop. I don’t care. Damias is always an ass.”

Qingyang tugs his sleeve, and Xichen reluctantly pulls back. A part of him would very much like to hurt this Damias a little more for the tears on Qingyang’s face, but Qingyang is right. It’s better to go.

As soon as he turns away, he hears it. There’s no mistaking the sound of a sword being drawn. Xichen has just enough time to meet Qingyang’s eyes and wordlessly apologize. She didn’t want a confrontation and now there will be one.

Xichen opens his awareness to feel the sword moving through the air, and he ducks in time for it to easily sail over his head. The man is a skilled warrior, though, and recovers almost immediately, pivoting in the narrow space between two tents and sweeping back at Xichen. This time, Damias doesn’t make the same mistake and swings low, twisting at the waist and planting his feet to put more power behind his strike. Xichen sidesteps and kicks his wrist.

It should have sent the blade flying, or at the very least, driven the man’s arm up into the air. It should have ended this stupid, useless fight.

But the man is stronger than Xichen anticipated, and he controls the sword just enough to keep it in his hand.

But Xichen didn’t realize Qingyang had stepped behind him, maybe to stop him, maybe to get out of the way.

But he sees Qingyang too late, only in time to see the sword slash into her, and she falls.

His first instinct is terror for his friend. Slowly, the memory of what he saw solidifies in his mind. He realizes that the sword missed her torso entirely, and the staining blood is from a slice across her leg. Even more slowly, as though the world has paused to give him a chance to perceive the entire scene at once, he sees Damias grin and cock his right arm back, the fingers of his other hand crooking to grasp the Beifeng magic, and Xichen knows he can not let him continue.

He grabs the man’s neck, the only exposed part of his body, and pours all the magic he can muster into him. Xichen has only felt this once, for the merest fraction of a second when his father was teaching him how to use the gift that lives inside him, but he knows it feels like burning alive from the inside out. Damias screams as the full inferno of Xichen’s power tears through him. Xichen lets go almost immediately—he only wants to stop Damias, not kill him—and the man drops to his hands and knees retching, the sword finally falling from his hand.

Xichen looks at the man’s friends running toward him and holds up a hand. The woman skids to a stop, her face a mask of fright and she drops to the ground in supplication, but the other two—

The other two don’t have time to stop.

A black wave of Beifeng magic flows over them, thicker than Xichen has ever seen, the curling smoke arresting their movements like ants drowning in a drop of tree sap. They both scrabble desperate hands at their throats and Xichen realizes the magic is inside them, choking the air from their lungs.

He whirls.

This is the Mingjue he expected when he came to the Beifeng. This Mingjue striding toward him is the pitiless warlord, his eyes too dark to read, his fingers curled around the cloud of magic still holding the soldiers tightly. This Mingjue’s sword is drawn and raised, and he looks fully intent on using it. This Mingjue looks like the demon everyone fears, who came from the mountains and cut a bloody path through Xichen’s country.

Xichen’s gut lurches sideways, and an errant thought—what would he look like with his hair down—wanders through his mind.

But when Mingjue reaches Xichen, his expression shifts from tight-lipped outrage to something that almost looks like fear, and his eyes search Xichen’s face and form, as if looking for something. Xichen realizes that it must have looked like he was being attacked by the soldiers, and a terrible, disgraceful shard of his heart exults in being the one who is defended, the one someone else protects.

Damias groans, and Mingjue’s attention shifts, a predator to prey. His arm raises slightly and Xichen is suddenly afraid for these people. They did a foolish thing, but they don’t deserve to die for it. He wants to stop Mingjue, but he doesn’t have the words to explain, and he needs to help Qingyang.

“Anakau, peimi!”

Xichen has never been so relieved to see Huaisang.

“Ahora’ipa, ka marai ota eko?” Mingjue growls, ignoring Huaisang.

“Ekos, Ipira’orhew Ikira,” Xichen answers. Luckily, “no” is one of the first words he learned.

Mingjue frowns, but he lowers his sword. He doesn’t release the magic, but it seems to ease, the nearly opaque cloud fading to smoke. The woman doesn’t get up, but she starts speaking in rapid Orera, obviously pleading. Pleading for her life, Xichen suspects.

“What happened?” Huaisang asks Xichen urgently, but Xichen pushes past him to get to Qingyang.

“Qingyang, I am so sorry. This is my fault,” Xichen says, kneeling next to her. She’s wearing wide-legged pants, and he shoves them up to her thigh, heedless of propriety. He moves her hand and touches her bloody leg. The injury is a long crease cut across the top of her leg. He wants to cry. He keeps making mistakes, and he doesn’t want to get anyone else hurt.

She smiles wanly at him. “I’m fine.”

He disagrees. The flow of blood has slowed, but she’s still bleeding. He draws a healing line across the wound, trying to make it painless but shaken at how deeply it goes into her muscle. It could have been so much worse. There are life-sustaining vessels in the legs. If the sword had pierced one…

“Xichen, truly, I’m fine,” she repeats, and Xichen realizes he is crying, dripping tears onto her knee. “You can leave the scar if you want,” she tells him. “Girls love scars.”

His laughter is hoarse and shaky, but it’s laughter. She grins at him.

“You need to tell me what happened,” Huaisang repeats, the urgency in his voice catching Xichen’s attention. “Did they attack you?”

It is Qingyang who answers. “Yes. Earlier, Damias tried...well, it doesn’t matter, because he wasn’t successful. He was angry because I’m only half Beifeng. It was just a mistake that we ran into them here, but Damias drew his sword and tried to attack Xichen. The others…” She pauses and frowns. “I don’t know. They didn’t do anything. Maybe they would have tried to stop him.”

“And this?” Huaisang asks, gesturing to her leg.

“This was my fault,” Xichen repeats gloomily.

“This was an accident, Xichen,” Qingyang sighs, sounding irritated.

“Take Qingyang back to your tent now,” Huaisang tells him quietly, not as calm as he appears. “We’ll deal with this.”

Mingjue releases the magic suddenly, and Xichen can feel the relief in the air, like a sudden rain that breaks the humidity of summer or the biting wind of winter giving way to spring. Mingjue shouts something furious, and the woman somehow shrinks further into the ground. The two men are now gasping to breathe, and one of them sags to the ground with the woman, but the other is apparently too slow. Without warning, Mingjue punches him in the jaw, and the man drops like a bucket into a well. Mingjue gestures at the other two people, making it clear that the man should have thought of this himself. He seems angry, yes, but Xichen thinks he also looks profoundly disappointed, and he pauses, wanting—what? To say something soothing? What can he say?

“Xichen, go,” Huaisang says, the tension in his voice prodding Xichen to obey. “I’ll come talk to you later.”

He’s worn out from the healing and from stopping Damias, but Xichen lifts Qingyang and carries her back to his tent, where he insists that she sleep on his bed. She looks like she plans to be stubborn about it, so he brushes a hand across her forehead to push a little bit more warmth into her and make the sleep a little bit more imperative, then sits on a cushion to wait for Huaisang.

Xichen wakes without ever having realized he’d fallen asleep to the sound of raised voices outside his tent. It sends a spike of fear through him before he recognizes them. They get louder, and he’s afraid they’ll wake Qingyang. He pads to the tent flap.

As he expected, Huaisang is yelling, and Mingjue is glowering, arms crossed.

“Huaisang, shhhh. Qingyang is sleeping,” Xichen says, and they both jump.

Huaisang looks instantly contrite. “I’m sorry, I was just saying that.” He glares at Mingjue, the I told you so obvious. “We should be going.”

He pulls Mingjue’s arm, but Mingjue shakes him off and takes a step toward Xichen before he seems to catch himself, hands clenching into fists. Instead of moving closer, he says Xichen’s name like it’s a question, searching Xichen’s expression for an answer.

The answer, Xichen thinks, depends on the exact question, but he thinks Mingjue might be surprised. Xichen isn’t shocked to see the kind of power and violence Mingjue is capable of. This is an army. This is war. It was no more than Xichen had done. Less, even. He looks into Mingjue’s eyes, eyes that look red and bloodshot from unshed or maybe even shed tears, and he thinks Mingjue must have believed he had no choice but to harm his own people for Xichen and Qingyang. And Xichen thinks perhaps he is the more ruthless man, because he would shed no tears to hurt Damias again for whatever he did to make Qingyang cry.

He wishes he had the right words to explain.

Mingjue reaches for Xichen as though he can’t stop himself, but Huaisang interrupts.

“Xichen, tell Qingyang that Damias has been demoted, branded, and sent home without a horse. He won’t bother her again. The others have only been demoted, but they have been strictly ordered to leave you both alone. I’m sorry this happened. It’s not...it’s not how most people think.”

Xichen nods and hesitates before going back inside. Why, he asks himself, is he hesitating?

But he knows why.

Stepping forward, he slips one arm around Mingjue’s waist and rests the other on his chest, above the steady beat of his heart. Stretching, he kisses Mingjue on the cheek. Tiny sparks flit over his chin, his lips, his nose—all the places that graze Mingjue’s skin. The world doesn’t stop spinning, but a breathless part of him wishes it would give him just a little longer to stay here.

“Thank you for being there. Tiras mau,” Xichen says softly, for only Mingjue to hear.

Mingjue closes his eyes and inhales as though it is the answer he was looking for, the only answer he needs. He covers Xichen’s hand on his chest and squeezes, touching his forehead to Xichen’s, a simple gesture that has no right to feel as shockingly intimate as it does. It puts words in Xichen’s mouth that he has to bite back—will you stay, will you come inside, will you kiss me again? Qingyang is still sleeping on his bed. Perhaps it’s for the best. He steps away, and Mingjue’s fingers trail over Xichen’s palm as he finally lets Huaisang pull him away.

Xichen watches them go as something loudly and firmly locks inside his heart.

Notes:

Hewnta! Etan Hewnta, iko om touha? = [Insulting word for person who speaks Yuyan]! Hewnta woman, back for more?

Dei. Em ereda anha outam. = Stop. We’re leaving.

Roka ta em ereda kei dikas. Roka eko em ereda kei dikas hako, egadi. = She doesn’t belong here. You don’t belong here either, [insult for weak man].

Dei. Ereda irumaka. = Stop. Go away.

Anakau, peimi! = Elder brother, wait!

Ahora’ipa, ka marai ota eko? = Ahora’ipa, have they hurt you?

#the untamed #cql #mdzs #soaring au #nielan #nie mingjue #lan xichen #mo dao zu shi #nie huaisang #luo qingyang #the untamed fic

[urcountrygirl]

Silent Thoughts- My own story

(this is my favorite story I have written ever because most of it is showing my true feelings on people and vice versa. Most of the people in this story are real, wherever they are in their life now. )

If I'm right, If you live to be 80 years old, You end up living 29,220 days.  So one day you can't remember shouldn't matter. Especially if it's a day that you can't remember. I mean, I can't remember some things once it is a few weeks, months and even days or hours past. So a day you can't remember shouldn't matter, but it's different if it's a day that's lost. It's like a hole in your body and as much as you try and pretend that it's not there, you can't help but poke it. To probe it. Because even though it's empty, you can still feel something. l try to focus on the life I’m living. I am trying to get momentum to do tasks like chores, homework, and my art. Most days I can't do it but most days I actually can do it. In my heart I know I'm lost in a different way. I sit here and think. It was only 2 days ago I played on XBOX 360 for a full day. After about 2 hours, I had gotten to the top level. Once I had gotten to the top level, I felt a momentary exhilaration than a sadness because it was done. I could go back and redo it. To try again and I could find new variations, things that I had missed the 1st time. But in the end, It would still be over. I would Still reach the point where it was over. That was my life now, replaying the simple game or being in a fight I have already won. I know I deserve better. I am constantly apologizing to myself as I stumble through school, as I barely hear what the teachers are attempting to teach us. But I think more. Life is harder when you have somebody or something to miss. The next day comes. Monday morning at 3:00 in the morning and my alarm goes off playing a song I actually enjoy. This makes it easier for me to get up and start my workouts. As I am eating pancakes and a Starbucks Mocha after my workout, I feel like something is missing or I should be doing something. Because of this, I think even more. Part of what makes my personality actually work is my ability to be here day in and day out for people that I love and trust. My friends rely on me and I rely on them. The simple balance on which so many lives are built. My acquaintance that is wanting to be a friend of mine tells me her life story, then some. But as of now all I got out of her story and the then some part is that she is pregnant and the baby's father is in jail even though she is 16 years old. She also tells me she trusts me more than the father. But then I flashback to all of 5he little fights I have had with my father. Stupid fights like over fish sticks or music. He tells me that my music is a dead-end calling and I should stop even though he encouraged my brother to pursue music. I flashback in reality. I am still standing there listening to this girl go one about her life so I am sipping down my second Bang energy drink after I already had two Monsters. I am back home drinking the Starbucks Frappuccino and trying to finish an essay. I am failing my French class and in tears when my parents confront me about it. I am finally alone in my room and I am playing the same tune over and over again trying to figure out what it exactly means to me and what words to put in it. My ex-girlfriend is apologizing to me about her cheating on me. I decide to go and meet up with my closest and only friend at the park. We are swing on the swing set and I have the small flashback of me in the exact swing at 6 years old going higher and higher until I was convinced at that moment I could fly. I slip money into my friend’s purse so she can pay her half of lunch. I am dressed as a ladybug at 2 years old for Halloween,  and my mom burnt her hand on the stove that same night making mac and cheese. I am failing my driver’s test and to the point, I am practically balling my eyes out when the lady tells me. I finally pass the test a week later and the first thing I do when I get my license, I go to the beach. Watch the sunrise and the birds attacking the fish as they dive into the water. I am in my own world. I am blocking out other people that are there. I do this a lot because I keep in my mind that I am lonely and every person is the possibility. I met this guy (you) a month or so ago. You like me and I like you. I asked you why you like me. You said because of me, because of my kindness. My engagement in the world.  Engagement in the possibilities of different ways of living life. We met up at a bookstore. You stared at me. "I have an idea." "Okay?" I responded skeptically. "Let's pretend that this is the first time we have ever met. Let's pretend you came to get the book. I happened to want the same book so I accidentally ran into you. We struck up a conversation. I like you and you like me." You paused and smiled at me. "Now we are going to get coffee. I don't know anything about you. I don't know anything about your ex." You had paused again to think about what you just said and did a try-hard smile like 'sorry about mentioning him'. You took a sip of your frappuccino. And for some reason, this all feels right. You continued, "We are meeting for the first time. Okay?" "Okay but why? " You ignored my question. "No past, no future, just present. Okay? It's that easy. Forget about the world. Forget about all of the pain us teenagers are going through right now." "Okay. I guess." We went to the store. Then after we got $200 worth of food, mainly fruit, we went to your house. You had me cook because I am Italian. We filled the air with music, we moved in tandem. We moved in unison. This is our first date. First time alone together without any adults breathing down our necks. And I can't help but think this is the way it should always be. The easygoing sharing of space. Your parents are in California. I am there. Chopping garlic and vegetables and I am totally unaware of my posture, the craziness of my hair. Unaware of how much you are staring at me. With a lot of love, and outside of our kitchen size bubble, the nighttime sings and dances. I look up through the sky window and I see the stars shining bright like a LED light. And I also see your reflection mapped up out on top of it. Everything is where I think it should be and my heart believes it is all right. That this can always be true. My heart wants this all to be true. Even if something darker tugs it away. Friday comes faster than it should have and I am distracted again. Everybody is having their conversations. Earlier in the day I actually for once, paying attention. But my mind says that it is enough for one day. My friends don’t mind if I am quite once and a while. As long as they feel I'm present. Physically I am there but mentally I am not. They think I am listening and I used to feel like this was enough.  To pretend like everything was perfect. Like the world has no evil. I go to the hospital to see the maternity ward. All of the little babies. So innocent. Of purity. Seeing how they know no evil. How they don't know rejection or heartbreak. They don't have any pain. They are like puppies, so adorable, but have so much to learn. So much to figure out and discover. That to me? Is what life is all about. Finding things out and living with risks. To be honest risks that nobody else will take because they are trying to live the perfect life. And yet there is no such thing as perfection. Nothing and nobody is perfect. It's just how the world is.

#my writing #silent thoughts #depression #struggle is real #love #prefection

[grouptalekindnesssoulstories]

Old to new

I guess you could call me weird. My name is Animal but everyone calls me Ani. I have brown hair and green eyes. I’m 3 feet 6 inches. So you could also called me tiny. The problem is, that’s  my full height. My doctor says I’m done growing. But that’s not even the weirdest thing. The weirdest is: I hear voices no one else hears. If you ever see me really wild I’m probably hearing one crying for help. Those are the worst for me. I’m very peaceful. It makes me want to scream for help myself. I never do that, because I’m a really quiet person. Unlike my dear parents. They’re tall, loud, and forceful.Which is the exact opposite of me. They’re both almost 7 feet. So I’m not hard to deal with,being almost half their size. At school everyone thinks I’m in kindergarten, not 6th grade. I’m called shrimp and other names. The only place where no one can affect me is outside. I wish I could always be outside. Little did I know my wish would come true. Now where it began to become true was my room. I go to bed when I want. But I’m responsible and go to bed pretty early. I picked my sheets, so they have animals and plants as the design. I love them very much. The day before my 12th birthday. My birthday is the last official day of spring. So it’s the most beautiful.. Not sick or anything just… off. I tried reading think maybe I was just really excited. That didn’t work so I just went to bed. I actually was kind of excited for the next day. Strangely I didn’t dream that night. I normally dream. Now I know why but then… I didn’t. When I opened my eyes I was trapped. At first I thought I was finally dreaming but then I heard my alarm. I wake up to the songs of birds. Today was a chorus day. So it was a bit louder then normal. So I was awake, and curled up in the middle of my blanket. But when I stretched, I barely moved. When I looked at myself I realized… I was only ½ an inch tall! I had been shrunk, which is why I was feeling off yesterday. I wanted to call for help, but first, I had to get out of my blanket. 

“Look at the tiny ones struggles!” a voice rang out...laughing. 

“So funny now she’s smaller than us,” another voice rang out- also laughing.

“Be nice to her. She was always so nice to us. Greeting us by name,” A third voice rang out. But this one was scolding. By that time I had found the edge of the blanket and climbed out. I recognized Berry (a Blue Jay), Rosy (a Cardinal), and Owl (a Mourning Dove). Owl was glaring at the others. 

“We’re sorry, we didn’t mean any offense. It was just funny to us,” they chorused 

“No offense taken” I told them. Berry flew over then.

“Climb on little one,” she told me and i obeyed. As soon as I was settled she spread her wings and flyed. Rosy and Owl imitated her. But Owl soon parted company with us. I was too happy to notice. Flying was amazing! When I did Owl was soaring back but, someone was on her back. Someone who looked exactly like me except... more comfortable flying. But as we neared each other I felt like something had been reawakened in me. Owl pulled up alongside Berry. The girl stared at me and I stared at her. We might have started talking if both birds hadn’t curved downward all of a sudden. I fell off surprised at the sudden move. If my instincts hadn’t taken over this story would already be over. I grabbed a near by leaf. I made it into a parachute, and when I reached the ground I let go of it and rolled. As I got to my feet my “friend” dropped beside me. 

“Explain. now,” she commanded me

“My name’s Animal and I was shrunk last night. I don’t know why or how. Then Berry took me here.” I told her all I knew. 

“How old are you?” She sounded curious now. 

“Today’s my 12th birthday.” She looked confused at me

“That’s the same as me. My name’s Flower by the way. But everyone calls me Flow.” she told me sounding...hesitant 

“Well everyone calls me Ani, it just sounds more normal they say.” I told her cheerfully.  

“I had a twin sister with that name. If that name, if you’re her then that would explain the feeling-” she started

“That some part of you were woken at the sight of me?”I interrupted. She nodded. “I had the same one” her eyes widened at that. 

“So it could be…. Ani?” she asked quietly. “Maybe that’s why we’re so alike. Maybe that explains the feeling. I’ll take her to Mom.” I didn’t see Flow’s mouth move, yet I heard her clearly in my head. Was I hearing her…. Thoughts? She started walking away before realizing I wasn’t following, not understanding what she was doing. Or so she thought. She beckoned for me to follow. I did still confused. “Ani can you hear me? I’m just testing if we really are twins.” once again I heard her thoughts but this time they were aimed towards me

“Loud and clear.” I told her by thought.

“Thought so. But you’re not like me. You were big.” She informed me speaking out loud this time.

“Key word is 

in that sentence,” I told her. She just snorted and sped up. I rolled my eyes and grabbed a low branch. I swung after her. She didn’t tell me I couldn’t act like a monkey. Besides it was fun. She followed the path to the mushroom patch that could never be removed. But they weren’t just mushrooms. They were mushroom houses. When we were close enough that I had to stop, I swung down. As I walked behind Flow, people stopped and stared at me. That happened all the way to a blue-green mushroom house. Which was Flow’s house. She approached and knocked on the door calling out:

“Mom you home?” As she finished a woman poked her head out. She beamed, opening the door to amite us. As soon as Flow stepped inside, the woman swept her into an embrace. Both had a brief conversation that I didn’t catch. They turned to me curiosity in their gazes. But then they noticed I was still in my PJ’s. Flow slipped off, she returned and tossed me some clothes. I was shown the bathroom, where I changed. They fit perfectly. Of course, they were probably some of Flow’s clothes. I reemerged now dressed and very awkward. While I had been changing Flow and her mom had gotten busy. Flow’s Mom was cooking a meal. Flow herself was cleaning and repairing the place. I realized that just like me she had a power. But hers was plant powers, mine animal. Hence our names. That suddenly made a lot of sense to me. Named after our powers but how everyone calls Flow something different as if they are trying to cover her powers up. As if something had happened to her at a young age. Like the disappearance of her twin sister. My thoughts would have wandered farther if Flow hadn’t butted in. 

“Yep. You are very much correct. But now that my twin has returned I’m not sure I’m happy about it,” she sent me the message telepathically. Which was very rude, listening to my private thoughts. I would have started on her if an alarm hadn’t started blaring just then. I vaguely recognized it, remembering it warned of danger. Flow and her mom ran out the door as soon as they heard it. I knew I should do the same, but I didn’t. I was very confused. How did I recognize it, if I had never heard it before? Then I remembered.The night I was stolen. I was only 1.  The same alarm started and my parents grabbed us and ran. My father was too slow. He and I were caught. I never saw him again. but before I could remember more, a foot caved the entrance. That jutted me crudely out of my thoughts. I scrambled back, not sure if the other foot was coming. I heard a bellow and the foot lifted. Someone must have hit it. I crawled to the window. By the time I looked the two people had reached the door and entered. But not before I saw they were carrying jars. I needed to know more about my past. I don’t remember much before my 8th birthday. But I could remember more. I just had to find out how. But first I needed to stop the Rufins. I don’t know why I remembered that now of all times but it helped to have something to call them. Other than big people. I know they aren’t my parents. They never were. But my real parents don’t really know me. I didn’t know where I belonged anymore. I decided to figure that after the Rufins were contained. So I started on my journey. I moved the rubble that had been the door. Then when I was able to crawl outside, I called for Berry. She didn’t respond, so I started walking. Flow must have noticed, because soon after she caught up and tossed me a pack. In it were clothes, a sword, food, and other survival necessities. She had an identical pack. I realized she was there to help. Plus, she didn’t leave once she gave me the pack. I probably could use the help though. So I didn’t mind she tagged along. Besides she was really stubborn so she would have stayed even if I told her to go. So really I had no choice in the matter. Besides she was useful. She apparently spied on the Rufins often. We camped in a well used spot. That was about half way. When we started out again in the morning a rumbling noise began. It was an earthquake. An earthquake that forced us into a small crack in the ground. The crack wasn’t too deep. But it was deep enough that we couldn’t get back out again. We tried going the same way we had been heading. But we got lost. So we just sat down where we were. To pass the time, I asked how there came to be little and big people. So she told the story.

“Once there was only big people. Some had powers like you and me. They would become that small people. The powerless people got jealous. One day, one of them found a chance to get rid of the powers. The powerless squashed one young child . He died. But to prevent others from suffering the same fate, he turned them small. The now big people were thrilled! We were easier to catch. But we became hard to find. That’s because we all had nature powers. So we hid with nature. For a while no Rufin could find us. But in the end, they found us. But by then we were like ants. There were a lot of us.” She finished with a flourish. But that’s when the cat turned up. The cat’s name was Swipe, and he technically belonged to the Rufins. But he’s a wild cat. He hunts for himself. But he thought we would make good prey. 

“Swipe stop” I told him before he could leap at us. He froze when he heard me speak cat. I grabbed Flow’s hand to drag her to him. “It’s okay. He‘s our ride to the Rufins!”I whisper to her. She nods and climbs on. I climb on behind her. “Alright Swipe take us to the house,” I instructed him. He shot off to the destination set for him. Both Flow and I were clinging on for dear life. When we reached the basement of the house we slipped off and started climbing the stairs. When we reached the top we have to climb the cabinets. We find the jars that contain the others and free them. They run down the stairs to be carried away by Swipe. Flow and I hide, getting ready for the Rufins to return home. Both of us draw our swords as we hear the front door open. It was slightly comical. The sword was basically a very sharp thorn on a handle. But it was still dangerous. The kitchen door opened. I tensed, ready to strike when Flow gave the signal. His hand reached for the cabinet above me. That’s when Flow gave the signal. We struck in harmony. He tried to swipe us off, but we just leaped to a new place each time. We stopped and surveyed our work. It was…. Amazing. He had many cuts. He wouldn’t forget our message in a hurry. 

“So will you stop terrorizing us?” Flow demanded.

“Yes! I will” He bellowed in pain. 

“And will your wife do the same?” I inquire

“Most likely. Once she sees the damage you did.” he whimpered. We smiled pleased and leaped off the counter. 

“So what now? How will we get out?” Flow murmured to me. 

“The bedroom I was forced to use? Last I knew the window was open,” I suggest. She nods and heads for the stairs. When we reached the room, I called out for a little help.

“Owl, Berry we need a little assistance.” They flew in the open window. We mount on them and take off. When we flew out the open window a cheer went up. Everyone from the village and all the animals were cheering for 

 When we reached the village, the mayor came to have a chat with Flow. I wasn’t to be included. Everyone moved after Flow and the mayor. I went to my welcome back and congratulations party. All the animals were proud of me. Well I knew I was welcome 

 If no one in the village wanted me I could live with any of the animals. Even Swipe. Soon Flow turned up and had me come back to the village. Apparently the mayor thought I slowed Flow down and was only a little help. She shut that down right away. She had told him half of it was thanks to me. 

“You didn’t have to do that Flow!” I told her

“Did too little Ani!” She told me telepathically. I smiled at that. Nowadays you couldn’t tell us apart, if we weren’t using our powers. But I was happy. I was where I belonged. With my twin Flow, and our mom. 

    I’m Home.

#Old writing #Old to New #From June 2015

[meeresnaechte]

Get To Know Me Questions (Very long)

1. What is your first name? Justine

2. What is your nickname? Jess

3. What is your zodiac sign? Gemini

4. What is your favorite book series? I do not really have a favorite book series since I actually do prefer shows or video games to get lost in. However, I once read a "self published" ebook by an unknown author called "Human" which is actually a fanfiction but it was SO well written and it made me more emotional than any other book ever could.

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? Yes I do believe in such things. I often experience sleep paralysis and get visited by someone- or something. I can see a person who's not actually there and I do believe it's a lost soul or the ghost of the person which committed suicide in my apartment before I moved in. I believe in demons and posessed things, I am really scared of dolls but I think not believing in such things would make life more boring.

6. Who is your favorite author? I do not have one.

7. What is your favorite radio station? I don't listen to the radio.

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? I like any flavor except sweet flavors like vanilla or else.

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? Pure. It's one of my favorite words. I often like to refer to my best friends as pure.

10. What is your current favorite song? Anarchist by Yungblud is a really good song at the moment.

11. What is your favorite word? Pure in english or Bettgeflüster in German, I'm sorry but the sound of that word is just so beautiful ahhah

12. What was the last song you listened to? I write sins not tragedies by panic at the disco. Definitely one of the best song ever made (Also Brendon is especially hot in this one)

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? How I met your mother (very life changing) & Stranger Things

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? The perks of being a wallflower. It changed me and my perspective on life completely.

15. Do you play video games? Yes. I love them, especially Fable 2 and Bioshock Infinite.

16. What is your biggest fear? The ocean. I love the beach but I am really scared of deep water because my father and I had to save a man from drowning when I was maybe 7 years old. He experienced a stroke and only his little daughter was with him.

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? I can be very interesting to talk to because I love getting into depth about everything.

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? My self confidence and my mental illness. It ruined and continues to ruin many things for me. It took my youth away.

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? I cherish dogs so much, they make me so happy.

20. What is your favorite season? Summer or winter. (Fall is quite awesome too, it's kind of spooky)

21. Are you in a relationship? No.

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? Not being afraid of anything. Being free, not being judged for what I do and who I am.

23. Who is your best friend? I have more than one. Someone I met through the internet in 2013. Someone I've known since kindergarten and suddenly met again 15 years later. Someone I've been deeply in love with for 5 years & Someone who's always been there but never really got the courage to be around until last year.

24. What is your eye color? Green.

25. What is your hair color? Blonde.

26. Who is someone you love? My best friends & my lovely grandma.

27. Who is someone you trust? My best friends.

28. Who is someone you think about often? I often think about someone I haven't met yet. Someone who will change my life forever.

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? I am truly trying to live in the moment. I'm not excited for something, but scared of the future because I have to move abroad next year and leave everything behind.

30. What is your biggest obsession? Fable 2, Dan and Phil and Stranger Things.

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? Spongebob or Max & Ruby

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? All except one person of my best friends are my opposite gender and I can tell them anything.

33. Are you superstitious? Yes

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? I don't know if they are unusual but the ocean, dolls, funfairs, bugs and speaking in front of people (except acting)

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? In front of it. My greatest passion is acting and I've always wanted to become an actress.

36. What is your favorite hobby? Acting.

37. What was the last book you read? It's been a long long time. I have no clue.

38. What was the last movie you watched? Annabelle 3. Yesterday at a drive-in cinema with my best friends. One of the most special moments I've made so far.

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? I can play the piano. I would love to play any instrument.

40. What is your favorite animal? Dogs, wolves and red pandas.

41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? I don't have a favorite.

42. What superpower do you wish you had? Time travelling, being able to read people's minds and heart.

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? At the beach, listening to the sound of the waves. I tend to forget everything during those moments.

44. What makes you smile? When people aren't afraid to show me that I mean something to them. Not only words.

45. What sports do you play, if any? Football, Basketball, Badminton.. did I forget anything? I like all sports except gymnastics.

46. What is your favorite drink? Water or Iced Coffee (it's so bad for my skin)

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? This month, I believe. It was a letter.

48. Are you afraid of heights? Yes, but I still manage to push myself to do things that involves heights. I just recently climbed up a 80 metre high building with my friends at night to get a nice view of the skyline. Almosy shit my pants but I am still alive. Little did we know someone killed themselves by jumping off that exact building at the exact night.

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? Screaming. I hate it. I love chill people.

50. Have you ever been to a concert? Do little concerts count? If not, no.

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? No.

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? I've always wanted to become an actress or a police officer.

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? Albion from Fable the video game.

54. What is something you worry about? My future.

55. Are you scared of the dark? I love the night and being outside during the night but I can't sleep without keeping my little light on because I tend to get sleep paralysis when my room is all dark.

56. Do you like to sing? I wish I could sing

57. Have you ever skipped school? Yes

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? Wherever I feel happy and where I can connect with the people I love the most.

59. Where would you like to live? California.

60. Do you have any pets? No.

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? Night owl.

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Both. Sunsets are like a beautiful ending, they make me believe that no matter how hard things are at the moment, they will pass, but the bittersweet feeling of the ending of my best memories comes after. Sunrises feel like a new beginning after the dark.

63. Do you know how to drive? No, I'm currently doing my car and motorcycle driving license though.

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? Earbuds for music, headphones for gaming.

65. Have you ever had braces? Yes, I want them again, I'm not satisfied with my teeth.

66. What is your favorite genre of music? Rock

67. Who is your hero? Daniel Howell. I've never met him, but I saw myself in him. He saved my life. I feel like I've known him before.. in a different life.

68. Do you read comic books? No

69. What makes you the most angry? Negative people who always complain and never see the beauty in certain things or moments.

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? A real book.

71. What is your favorite subject in school? Sports.

72. Do you have any siblings? No

73. What was the last thing you bought? Film for my polaroid camera.

74. How tall are you? 5'4ft

75. Can you cook? Not really. I can make pancakes, that's about it.

76. What are three things that you love? Dogs, nature, video games

77. What are three things that you hate? Negativity, hatred, self-centered people

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? More male friends.

79. What is your sexual orientation? I don't care who I fall in love with, but I don't know how to label myself. I'm in love with the feeling of love.

80. Where do you currently live? Germany but I'm moving to London next summer.

81. Who was the last person you texted? One of my best friends.

82. When was the last time you cried? This week

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? Dan and Phil.

84. Do you like to take selfies? I take like 2 selfies each year so, no.

85. What is your favorite app? Twitter or Tumblr

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? Not very good. I feel pressured most of the time and can't connect to them on an emotional level. It's even harder now since they got a divorce. I love my grandma so much.

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? American.

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? New Zealand, Norway and Canada

89. What is your favorite number? 24

90. Can you juggle? No

91. Are you religious? No

92. Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? Outer space. I'm scared of the deep ocean and I don't even know what's down there.

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? Not at all

94. Are you allergic to anything? Wasps, dust

95. Can you curl your tongue? Yes

96. Can you wiggle your ears? No

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? 50/50

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? Both.

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? "Cut the seed before it grows"

100. Are you a good liar? I hate lying and being lied to.

101. What is your Hogwarts House? Slytherin

102. Do you talk to yourself? A lot

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert.

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? I use my Tumblr as my diary since 2013

105. Do you believe in second chances? Yes

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? Search for an ID and try to reach out to the person who lost it.

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? Not really..

108. Are you ticklish? Yes

109. Have you ever been on a plane? Yes

110. Do you have any piercings? Yes

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? Reaver from Fable, I'd like to marry him

112. Do you have any tattoos? No but I'm planning to get three.

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? To keep going.

114. Do you believe in karma? Yes.

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? Either I wear glasses or go through life blind lmao

116. Do you want children? I'm not sure, but I prefer to adopt.

117. Who is the smartest person you know? Daniel Howell

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? I reject them lmao

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? When haven't I?

120. What color are most of you clothes? Black

121. Do you like adventures? I love them.

122. Have you ever been on TV? Yes.

123. How old are you? 18

124. What is your favorite quote? So many. I really like "Irgendjemand liebt dich immer" a lot these days, it means "someone will always love you"

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? Savory. I hate sweet.

I tag @ludicrousperson

[marshmallowsims]

Couple Interview Tag

I was tagged by @enchantedunicornhideout (sorry this took me so long to do!)

Couple Interview Tag by @shysimblr. Rules: ’ Answer the questions from your OC otp’s point of view and tag as many people as you want. You can do as many couples as you want it could be an otp you intend to get together but hasn’t got together yet or whatever haha… I’m just nosy and wanna know about your oc’s so tag me if you want!. You can be as creative as you want make a story out of it whatever do it however you want just answer the questions simply it’s up to you!!’

I tag: @peachy-pixxels and whoever hasn’t already done this I guess <3

I’ll do Reed and Cardinal, Savannah’s going to be answering for Reed’s part ^^

1. How did you two meet?

Cardinal: well... uh. I went over to his place for... something... cause I was mad at my ex. It was kinda petty looking back on it but then we met and fought a little and stuff and things just kinda went from there

Reed: She came to my house, uninvited at that, and demanded I took her to get uh- illegal substances for her because Fabian and her were on the rocks. She was being a pest and I gave her what she wanted so she would be quiet and leave me alone

2. Who is the most jealous of you two?

Cardinal: We’re both jealous easily but, Reed definitely more than me... he gets pretty possessive in public. I like it though. 

Reed: I think we both get pretty jealous but I show it more. There was the one time she followed me into the bathroom and gave me a whole speech about how the girl I was talking to wasn't as good as her, that was pretty amusing. I want to beat the shit out of any guys that look at her though- so there's that.

3. What are your three favourite physical things about your partner? 

Cardinal: I really love his lips, above anything else, especially when he smiles. He has the prettiest eyes too. And I love his hands, their warm and I just like holding them and kissing his knuckles. That turned out more sappy than I intended it too...

Reed: Physical...I like her hair. It's a really unique colour. Then I think her mouth- I don't know why I just like the shape of it. Her ass would be the last one, it is pretty big you can't deny it.

4. Who’s more likely to be running late?

Cardinal: Reed. But sometimes both of us depending on if we were together or not. Mostly Reed though.

Reed: She is. I'm always on time to everything, I'll show up to her place at the exact time she asks me to be there but with her it's like she's taking an extra 15 minutes. She is a mom though.

5. Who is the most organized and who is the messiest? 

Cardinal: I’m very organised, even with a one year old, everything has its place and looks rather clean. Reed is... well, he’s very messy but he tries to clean up when he’s at my place which I appreciate and he cleans when he knows i’m coming over. 

Reed: She is the organised one, i'm messy. I think i've heard her say it's because shes a virgo- whatever that means. I don't use dishes at my house because i'm too lazy to wash them and i'm not allowed to do that at her house, I have to use dishes.

6. Who is the bigger flirt? (flirts the most?)

Cardinal: Uh. I think Reed to be honest, he’s always saying dumb shit that gets me all weird. I flirt too but I tease more? It depends on the situation and whats going on I guess. 

Reed: Cardi, I try to use my Spanish suave on her first but she always beats me too it. She's always trying to flirt with me so she can see what kind of reaction she'll get from me.

7. Who does the most cooking? 

Cardinal: Depends who’s place we’re at and the mood, I do tend to do the most cooking and I’ve bought takeout with most of the times I’ve been at Reed’s place. But he’s cooked a few times at my place too- he’s a good cook. 

Reed: I think we both do a fair amount. We are both decent at it and I guess it depends on who is more tired or wants to do something for the other person.

8. How do you feel about kids and do you want them? If so how many?

Cardinal: Well, I have a one year old and another on the way so I suppose I can say I like kids. I never really wanted kids but... I really love these two birds of mine. And, I think I’m stopping at two- kids are hard work

Reed: I'm already having a kid. I wasn't too sure about them before- didn't think I would make a good parent at all. With the new baby i've kinda learned that it'll be okay. Also I want 6 so prepare yourself Red

9. Who wears the pants in the relationship? 

Cardinal: Oh god. Well, I’ve had to put my foot down a few times with things, and Reed can be a bit of a baby at times so I think... its sorta shared at this point. I do have most say in most things...

Reed: I wear them, whatever she says is false.  

10. What’s your partner’s least favourite housework task?

Cardinal: I don’t really have a least favourite, I don’t like doing the dishes that much, and I don’t like the amount of times I have to scrub carpets and floors cause Carmine drops her food on the ground but- I don’t mind it

Reed: I think she actually likes doing housework, she's weird. I never hear her complain about doing anything.

11. What was the first thing you noticed about each other? 

Cardinal: That he looked kinda like Zuko from Avatar

Reed: How short she was. I really have never met a girl this small in my life. It doesn't interfere with anything important though. *wink*

12. What does your partner do that pisses you off? 

Cardinal: Oh boy. Okay, he pisses me off pretty easily cause he can just do really really dumb shit sometimes and he’s so fucking blunt he just says stupid things too and it infuriates me at times. 

Reed: She's stubborn and rarely listens to me half the time. I tell her to do something and she doesn't listen or do the opposite.

13. Where’s the craziest/weirdest place you’ve ever had sex?

Cardinal: Uh... we haven’t really done it at any weird/crazy places yet.

Reed: We had sex in Fabians bar in the bathroom once. Not proud of it.

14. Do you know your partner’s love language, if yes what is it?

Cardinal: I don’t think I do yet, he confuses me when his nice to me. I don’t really understand why. 

Reed: She always tries to have sex with me after I do something nice for her, I think she prefers showing how she feels instead of telling me.

15. Where do you see the 2 of you in 10 years? 

Cardinal: I haven’t exactly thought that far. People don’t exactly stay in my life but, I hope he’ll be in it still, especially with the baby now too. Its scary to think about. 

Reed: I would like to see myself still with her, doing the same dumb shit we do now. Being apart of Carmine and the babies life still, making them happy.

#oc stuff #jagged daydream #peachy pixxels #thank youuuuuu

[mommydragon-of-all]

OC Interview Meme

This looks fun. Also some answers drastically differ depending on around what time this "interview” takes place. So i got thinking and since I was tagged by@sakurabunnie who’s getting to know my pre-inquisition Soren, i choose to time this before Inquisition. Then i was tagged by dear @hadiden-lavellan too, but by then i was halfway through his post, and hey why not, some looking back :) Thank you both!!!! :3333

For Soren (Lavellan):

1. What is your name?

“A lot of people have called me by a lot of names. You can call me Soren.”

2. What is your real name?

“It is actually Soren. Yep, just Soren. I lost my original belonging and i didnt take any of my families surnames. Not permanently nor in any way official.”

3. Do you know why you were called that?

“Oh well, my parents wanted a pair of short and strong names that ring together, even if they had to get a bit creative. Also, as i learned, a pair of names that can be lilted and growled equally well haha “

4. Are you single or taken?

“i am free like a bird. Does your nest have some extra space on a cold night by the way?”

5. Have any abilities or powers?

“Im a highly trained assassin, among … other things. If you ever get in trouble… *slides over a strange little object* flash this around the shady parts of any city. They will take care of the rest. But for your lives sake, do not try to lie”

6. Stop being a Mary Sue.

“ I dont think i ever used that alias… “

7. What’s your eye color?

“Oohhh you are welcome to gaze into them closer, yes ;) no low light excuses, they have their own, so just lean over… “

8. How about your hair color?

“ Oh yes that is harder to tell in different lights. Its dark red, like good wine or blood from the liver .”

9. Have you any family members?

“ I have tons. If you meant blood relation… other than my twin sister i have some distant family. Literally distant even, like few and far between, out in the world. Some of us exchange awesome birthday gifts some years though, regardless of the exact date. Who has time to time that. “

(Scattered by the wind, but firmly standing like the trees)

10. Oh? What about pets?

“ Sadly animals are deadly afraid of me. It takes just a sniff to run for dear life… Even predators… it takes a special blend of proud and crazy to befriend me it seems. I would kill for such treasures. Like that Hart i once fought for an apple in that deep forest and lately rode to far destinations… i think it starts to get even attached!!! If he sticks around im gonna call him Captain. But remember, Dont go close to him! For your dear life, please dont. He is easy to recognize. Big as a mountain and looks like “Oh, Shit”. “

(’Where to, Captain?’)

11. That’s cool I guess, now tell me about something you don’t like.

“ Those things are about to change. Or drop in numbers significantly in the world. Just wait. …as truly as i want to mean that, unfortunately some things never change. Like the darkness in people, festering hearts. There will always be things like betrayal, prejudice, hatred, discrimination, envy, greed, cruelty,... i could go on. People who mostly keep themselves above those shades of their nature are all worth to be protected.“

12. Do you have any hobbies/activities you like doing?

“ Oh there are so many awesome things in the world and so many exciting things to do! I cant even count them. Like there’s hunting dragons for one! Speaking of hunting, there is also treasure hunt and demon hunt and manhunt and wyvernhunt and countless others, the bigger and meaner the better! But then theres also MAGIC! Do you have any idea how awesome that is? Everything magic and everything it touched. Putting together and using magic objects for so many things! And spells??? Potions, lotions, weapons... And there are also PEOPLE! The most magical thing is the warm light in ones heart. And they are so various and unique! There are different languages and codes and symbols and oh the stories! And dance and music and pleasures and laughing and caring and helping and…. oh … haha… im sorry, are you awake? Please ask away. “

(’Ah, what a beautiful day!’)

13. Ever hurt anyone before?

“ I think you snoozed off and forgot about my profession already. :)  “

14. Ever… killed anyone before?

“ Hahaha oh these sharp and pointy things and stuff arent for chopping and cooking vegetables either.”

15. What kind of animal are you?

“Pfffft i am my own species! Hehe! A unique hybrid i guess! But definitely a big animal, yes. Sis’ won that argument long ago, so there you have the answer. “

16. Name your worst habits.

“Hmm? What?” (*Muffs out with one of the interviewers -already leafed through-notebooks between his sharp teeth, booth on table...*) Hey! That is… how did you… *sigh*... nevermind  

(exhibit 99: ‘”I’ll go straight there!”)

17. Do you look up to anyone at all?

“My sister, definitely. She is the best. She is indestructible in every way i swear! Gotta be the strongest person alive. She is also really cool. But hot. I mean explosive! Not that shes not hot, technically... she is my female version after all haha. And caring for me with great big sister love (*mumble*:even if i am like 5 minutes older), but dont spread that ;) Might harm her notoriety.  I also look up to several of my tutors and many other people for many different reasons. People can be so many kinds of amazing.”

18. Gay, straight, or bisexual?

“You can not expect me to label my interests in a world full of so many differently beautiful people with warm hearts.”

19. Do you go to school?

“Yes. Life. 24/7. Got less intense since i learned how to survive and sustain myself, and grew a strong body to back up my needs and will, but there are always new things to learn and lessons you never asked for too. I had some actual teachers along the way too, but lately mostly i just teach myself what i dont just encounter by diving into new things. Which is not only fun by the way, you are bound to learn a few things. Then there are books, theories, researching, digging, honing instincts and reflexes, combining and refining techniques or theories, trial and error... Life is a bottomless school “

20. Do you ever want to marry and have kids one day?

“Wow, wow, you mean like.. babies? Sweet Fade, i wouldnt dare breathe their way, they are so fragile... little young PEOPLE, persons who arrived so recently and understand so little and cant even tell whats up just cry and i cant understand them, i understand every language but i can not understand babies for my life and ... and... thats terrifying! And do you have any idea how EASY it is to kill someone? And then there is that small bundle of vulnerability, my proximity could be lethal to it! And .... *sigh*... sorry just... It all would depend on that special person i might find who would want to keep me for life, for better or worse, and if they wanted kids... even if babies, i would be on board. I would do anything for that special someone. Even learn baby care... Bigger kids, well, i already have :D . In good care. If any of them were to be taken under my constant and indirect care, would depend on a lot of things. Right now they are much safer otherwise.”

21. Do you have any fanboys/fangirls?

“Most certainly ;D.But none of them know much about me, of course. With that comes a transformation of those feelings”

22. What are you most afraid of?

‘Im not afraid of ANYTHING!” *eyes instantly betraying* “Fine, fine, gotta be loss. Ironic, isnt it, for i have but what is on my person. Replaceable come and goes. Im mostly afraid of losses that arent even really “mine”, but others. Loved ones or even barely known ones loosing their lives or their light. Loosing my sister, myself, my heart... that is all i am. The only thing i cannot live without is my heart, i AM my heart, and loosing pieces of it or have it broken or freezing through a hole... I hate how selfish that is. But yeah. There you go. I still tend to leave pieces of it everywhere, and it only grows with that, funny how that works, but it also tends to get wounded on every turn. I fear the numbing cold. I fear the day when i cant hold it together and go on anymore.”

(from “When you are away”)

23. What do you usually wear?

“What you see is my whole wardrobe, hahah. But i shift and change to blend in from the dirt of Orzammar’s dust town to the shining halls of Orlesian palaces. Its fun.  What i like to wear mostly are well covering clothes, that allow a great scale of mobility, but not baggy to catch on things. Made of high quality materials only. My clothes MUST be of great quality materials, more for comfort than durability. Heightened overall senses arent always fun. Oh and for outer wear i like leather, especially dragonskin stuff for light armor, and long boots are the only footwear i acknowledge, some with high heels, and a matching pair of long gloves from soft fine leather are necessary too. Long coats from mostly leather and all the necessary leather straps and harnesses and pouches and belt too of course. If it counts, all my current favorite necklaces with magical pendants and bracelets are a constant wear too. It also doesnt hurt if my clothes look great. But fine materials tailored to my body and my needs usually bring that effect without further touches.”

(*his gear gotta let his smooth ass move*)

24. Do you love someone?

“I love all good people. ...and some others”

25. When was the last time you wet yourself?

"Bahahahhahaa now thats some blunt question! It deserves to be answered truthfully. I wish i could say when i was a baby, but truth is i think it happened a few times during the wilder rides of intense poison training with blood magic assistance, but im not really sure, i was barely conscious through those parts from pain and all kinds of nasty sensations, i came to my senses naked and tucked in after them. I never do extreme limit pushing training alone. There were also times when i was subject to some blood spells and experiments unwilling too. I have some suspicious blurry memories that i have made all sorts of messes. Egh. Lets move on to more fun questions”

26. Well, it’s not over yet!

“Perfect!”

27. What class are you? (High class, middle class, low class)

“I live outside of such systems. But i took part in every class during my life, thanks to current families or goals.”

28. How many friends do you have?

“Plenty, but one cant have too many. Helping each other goes a long way. I tend to make some friends everywhere i go, but i have few close friends. The closest one is my sis’. She knows me more than i know myself, and she is always there for me, at any cost.”

29. What are your thoughts on pie?

“Pie? One of the most fun cakes. It was invented for throwing i swear!”

30. Favourite drink?

“Hmmmm... old, red wine, hot and seasoned, spiced with a nice kick of that special antivan poison blend. I dont recommend you trying it, but you dont know what you’re missing out.”

31. What’s your favourite place?

“Wherever i am welcome.”

(*one favorite place example. It is not Where, it is Who*)

32. Are you interested in someone?

“I am interested in everyone. Are you fishing for some special interest?”

33. What’s your bra cup size and/or how big is your willy?

“Hahahha oh you never disappoint! Well, it was a long time ago when i last i wore a bra, back when i could still pull off the young girl appearance, to get in paces and so on. I always made sure to have a proportional but quite evident bosom. Oh it was such fun, my long hair helped too, and i dished out that act spot on! Like that time in Val Royeaux, when the heads i turned waltzing in as part of a rich antivan court were spinning all around in frantic search in the chaos, while i walked right out as a male servant. Oh sorry, i got distracted. You also asked about my “willy” if i recall correctly. If you would like to measure it so badly we can discuss that later ;) “

34. Would you rather swim in the lake or the ocean?

“Hmmm.... whichever promises more sunk treasures and secrets. Some lakes hide quite the surprises let me tell you.”

(’Looks like a perfect place for some diving..’)

35. What’s your type?

“My type of what, exactly, dear? ;)”

36. Any fetishes?

“I am very flexible in many ways, let me tell you, in case you are planning to bend me to your will. And if id have some suggestions, well, let it remain a little mystery for now ;p”

37. Seme or uke? Top or Bottom? Dominant or Submissive?

“Depends. What would you like me to be?”

38. Camping or indoors?

“Nothing beats a warm bed and a well secured resting place. Especially with my... condition, and experiences”

39. Are you wanting the interview to end?

“Are you kidding me? You have such awkward, uncomfortable questions... Let me get a new round of drinks for us and lets do this till morning!” “What do you mean new round... when did this cup of hot wine get here? It has my name on it??? What the... I better go i think.”

40. Now it’s over!

“What? Oh come on, we just got to some really “embarrassing” parts! Talking about “embarrassing”, would you like to hear the story of my encounter with this qounari dreadnought captain and ended up on board to Ostwick? Maybe you can tell me some stories yourself too in exchange..” *puppy eyes+shining grin combo* “Well, im not exactly in a hurry...” “Excellent!” *shifts closer and pours more wine*

I tag @quizzikemen @pelle-lavellan @hadiden-lavellan @sakurabunnie @elalavella @nipuni and everyone who wants to do it! For those who already did this consider this a tag for another OC! Gotta love them all :D (if you feel like doing it. I always feel like reading it)

#finally i got around to finish this post #soren lavellan #oc meme #dragon age inquisition #dual wield assassin #male lavellan #screenshots

[songofmysnark]

The Bullshit Industry That Is Women’s Clothing

We’re gonna have a little talk, friends.  We’re gonna have a talk about the state of women’s clothing and how much it sucks.

I’m talking off-the-rack clothing aimed at adult, working women.  Your Ann Taylors.  Your J.Crews.  Your Banana Fucking Republics. The Nordstroms of the world. You know, the companies that are trying to get us to buy their most recent monstrosity of polyblended horror and the subject of plenty of thinkpieces, this one included.  “Are millennials killing the clothing industry?”  Yes, because you deserve to die, but also now we’re naked so can we please strike a plea bargain?

Before any of you get your panties in a twist, I’m counting stay at home moms as working women, because domestic labor is work, childcare is work, and juggling logistics is work.  If you can outsource it and the person who is doing it would reasonably expect to get paid, it’s work -- so don’t tell me being a SAHM isn’t work just because nobody’s paying her to do the job of a nanny, line cook, housekeeper, administrative assistant, executive director, coach, motivational speaker, teacher, or community organizer.  And also, no SAHM should have to resort to the MLM hell that is LueLaRoe in order to clothe her body.  Put the valentine heart printed butter leggings down, Karen.

So, working women, clothing ourselves is hard.  It has gotten worse over the past two decades.  Let us break this shit down:

Declining quality.  Don’t gaslight women over 30 and tell us that the decline in quality is all in our heads and that our expectations have increased as we’ve gotten older and more critical or educated.  A lot of us still have our blazers from J.Crew that we bought in 2007 -- at least I do.  I saved them because they’re gorgeous and sentimental, and now I save them as a physical reminder that clothing currently available to me as a retail consumer has sharply decreased in quality.  

Fit issues.  Between the unreasonably sloppy, inconsistent sizing (sometimes between two of the exact same garments), bizarre proportions, limitations on size ranges, and a seemingly universal refusal to cut garments for women larger than a B cup, women’s clothing fits horribly.  The solution to this problem seems to be to sew everything in stretchy, cheap materials that are clingy, unflattering, and translucent, which translates to...

...Awful styles.  Since the solution to lazy fit is stretch, the industry makes a lot of clothing styles that are not suitable for most women’s daily lives because they’re too cheap to use decent fabric in making clothing to account for the fact that they’re too cheap to invest in fit and quality construction.  Oh, you can’t wear a cold-shoulder top and a pair of stretchy black leggings to your corporate job?  Too fucking bad, that’s what’s in stock right now.  If we call it “Athleisure,” it’s all good!  And if you look shitty in it, it’s because you’re not athletic enough to be wearing it.

It’s funny how when women abandoned the corset, it was liberating -- until style started demanding that women become their own corsets.  No lumps or bumps or bulges allowed, but unless you want to wear Spanx (read: a girdle), you better diet yourself down to a flawlessly smooth size 2 if you don’t want to look horrible in a simple tshirt.

Sure, good style is available to those who have enough social or economic capital to access it -- and by social capital, I am including people who are thin.

The state of plus-sized fashion has always been appalling, but as the country tumbles into greater income inequality, the concentration of jobs paying a living wage into traffic-jammed cities with a lack of reasonably affordable or accessibly housing, the masses are not going to be getting thinner.  The workday has been getting longer, either by extending hours or by making it very clear that people who leave before 6 are slackers, or by tethering us to email in the spirit of “leaning in.”  Sorry, when you spend 1-3 hours/day commuting to your soul-sucking job that doesn’t pay enough to afford help to outsource all of the shit you have to do on weekends in order to function as an adult, the “obesity epidemic” is not going to end.  How about we call a spade a spade: the “obesity epidemic” is a side-effect of the confluence of income inequality and late-stage capitalism.  “Calories in, calories out, it’s so simple!” say people who are able to prioritize and afford to be thin, and are rewarded in kind with clothing that at least isn’t punishingly ugly or uncomfortable.

Let’s talk about uncomfortable clothing: there’s a lot of it when you get out of the stretchy-spandex land masking the laziness of corporate clothing behemoths behind 2% spandex in an already forgiving knit.  Wovens, friends, let’s snark on wovens.  Wovens are the fabrics that are stiffer -- think jeans without spandex, chinos without spandex, button down shirts without spandex, your wool coat without spandex, etc.  

Believe it or not, young people, most of these items didn’t stretch 10-15 years ago, or if they did it was a tiny amount -- enough so that you could comfortably drive a car while still wearing a garment that was purposefully cut and constructed so that it would lay close to the body.  Instead of spandex, clothing was constructed with more ease -- more space, looser in areas where a normal human body needs space to move.  And nobody looked shitty, because the clothing was made so that the structure of the garment kept it from looking like a sack of potatoes; that structure comes from quality fit, construction, and materials.  

And of course, companies will retort that if they did anything the way they did 10-15 years ago, costs would skyrocket!  Materials are expensive and skilled labor isn’t cheap, especially if paid a living wage in a country with labor regulations to protect workers!  To which I say: bullshit.  Costs won’t skyrocket unless you expect customers to pad the pockets of your shareholders and executives to make up for increased production costs that narrow the profit margin.  Essentially, you want the same profit margin that was established and became the norm when you switched to shitty quality while raising prices.

The problem is really of your own doing, Mr. Mall Fashion Executive Dude; you trained your customers to expect good quality clothing for decades, rested on your laurels while increasing your profit margins by cutting production costs, got everyone on the corporate end used to booming profits based on this giant margin, and then got confused when shit went south.  You went for short-term profits, banking on the reputation of your brand to carry the company through a quality control nosedive.  And now we’re rubbing your face in it.

So here’s some advice to the corporate powers that be: 

Make some fucking decent clothing.

Make the entire line in a wide range of sizes, 00-24+ with no differentiation between “plus” and “misses.”  

Give women’s clothing the attention, quality, consistency, and detail of men’s items.

Stop putting random shit on your clothing.  I want a goddamn tshirt without a sequin, weird design, picture of a bird, a saying, etc.

Don’t “bring back a classic” and mark it up 200%.  Take a hint: we all still have that item from 2003, don’t think we won’t compare them and put the videos taking you down for both an outrageous markup and a comparatively mediocre product.  Looking at you, Lululemon’s “full on Luon” (i.e. regular luon from a few years prior with a new name and higher price).  Looking at you, J.Crew icon trench from 2003 (i.e. the old trench marked up higher than it was before but with a shittier fit and cheaper materials).  

If your wovens look like shit on the average American woman, that means you need to hire people who know how to design a decent garment, use better materials, and learn about ease, drape, and tailoring.  

If your pants don’t fit women with hourglass figures, the problem is your pants.

And finally:  Listen to the women screaming at you on Instagram every time you roll out a crappy collaboration.  What do they want?  Natural fibers, better fit, a size range that is inclusive and reflects the general public without arbitrary cutoffs, good design, cohesive collections, solid basics, durability, functional pockets that can hold a fucking iphone, classic lines, and comfort.  

If that is too much of an order, maybe get the fuck out of the industry that makes clothing for women, because there are actually companies that have demonstrated that it is possible to do it right:  MM LaFleur (pricey, but excellent), Boden, Land’s End, etc. are all examples of companies that manage not to completely screw the pooch on selling clothing to women.  Hell, I’ll even give you Eileen Fisher.  Give me some linen and a functional pocket, Ms. Fisher, I’ll gladly look like a sexless therapist who moonlights at an art gallery.

But seriously, fuck right off with this cold-shoulder, poly-blend, lazy bullshit.

#Snark #fashion #style #jcrew #mmlafleur #boden #landsend #lululemon #leggings #comfort #pockets #gaslighting #plus size #clothing #open letter #cotton #wool #patriarchy #bullshit #lularoe #lulanope #lulanever #clothes #women #womensfashion #womenswear #eileenfisher #sexlesstherapistmoonlightingatanartgallery

[aion-rsa]

A Guide to Pet Safety During the Holiday Season

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When you think about it, the holiday season is an unusually dangerous time. Christmas and the subsequent year-end festivities typically involve large quantities of humans gathering together. And wherever large human gatherings go, disaster statistically usually follows. Even during this very strange Christmas season, in which families will (hopefully) forego mass gathering due to the coronavirus pandemic, plenty of dangers linger. What are chestnuts roasting on an open fire, if not massive fire hazards?

As the human animal has demonstrated time and time again, there’s probably not much we can do to mitigate the dangers of the winter holidays. Brittle, flammable Christmas trees must be lit, and blister packaging must be torn open with a giant knife (NOTE: Please do not do this anymore). But hopefully we can at least all agree to do our best to protect the other, non-human animals we like to call our friends.

For as dangerous as the holiday season is for people, it can be just as dangerous for our beloved pets. The holiday landscape is positively littered with items and decorations that could prove toxic to dogs, cats, birds, and more. Not only that but more animals land in the ER around the holidays due to burns from candles than in any other season. 

Drs. Vernard Hodges and Terrence Ferguson are the veterinary duo behind the Critter Fixer Veterinary Hospital in rural Georgia and the stars of Nat Geo WILD’s documentary series Critter Fixers: Country Vets. They know better than most the dangers that the holiday season can pose to our furry, scaly, and/or feathered friends.

“During the holidays, we’re only really closed on Christmas Day,” Dr. Ferguson says. “We’re open the rest of the time.”

“I am sure I’ve spent at least five and maybe six Christmas mornings up. Accidents and emergencies happen,” Dr. Hodges adds.

Den of Geek spoke with Dr. Hodges and Dr. Ferguson (who also penned this year’s childrens’ book C is for Critter Fixer) about what it takes to keep pets safe during the holiday season.

Dangerous Decorations

Perhaps the most consistent and pervasive element of the holiday season, decoration is also the most dangerous to pets. While human beings know (for the most part) that tinsel, streamers, and mistletoe aren’t there to be munched on, animals don’t have the same savvy. 

Of all the possible decorations during Christmas, Hanukkah, the New Year, and other observed winter holidays, Dr. Ferguson and Dr. Hodges point to plants as the most problematic. 

“One of the most popular plants is poinsettias and they are highly, highly, highly dangerous to dogs and cats,” Dr. Ferguson says. “You definitely want to keep them out of reach so they can’t get at them. They can be very toxic. They can cause death.”

Lilies, another common holiday mainstay, can be toxic to dogs as cats as well. But the doctors also point out that toxicity isn’t the only hazard presented by plants and other decorations. Anything consumed that was not meant to be consumed can prove to be dangerous to animals whether toxic or not. 

“We get a lot of animals in here that are vomiting or can’t hold food down. They have blockages,” Dr. Ferguson says. “A lot of these cats are very curious. The mistletoe, the tinsel, and things like that, they like to play with them and then they’ll ingest them.”

Oh, Christmas Tree

Of course, the ultimate decoration during any Christmas festivity is the mighty Christmas tree. Christmas trees pose many potential hazards to pets due to their height, ornamentation, and lighting. As one might expect, the ornaments in particular can prove irresistible to felines. 

“The cats will try to get up and bat the balls and everything. They aren’t normally afraid of them, so you want to be really careful with the cat actually tipping over the tree. If you have certain things on it you can probably cause a fire, so you want to be careful with that,” Dr. Hodges says. 

“Even with your lighting, some cats are ‘pawers,’ some cats are biters, so you don’t want your cat to be electrocuted either,” Dr. Ferguson adds. 

Burns are indeed a real concern during the holiday season, and the dangers aren’t just posed by the lighting on Christmas trees. 

“When potpourri was big, we used to see a lot more cats getting burned and I guess things are now not quite as bad. They smell those candles and potpourri and they instantly want to play with the wax and stuff,” Dr. Hodges says.

Watch What You (And They) Eat

While this is bound to be a safer holiday season for humans (and hopefully animals) than usual due to fewer people at family celebrations, one area of concern that won’t change much is in food preparation. Just about everyone knows that chocolate is toxic to dogs, cats, and other pets, but Drs. Hodges and Ferguson point out that there are many other foods cooked during the holidays that could be harmful to animals.

“You want to be really careful with some stuff while you’re cooking. If an onion falls on the floor, get those onions. Onions are quite toxic,” Dr. Hodges says. “Also grapes; people prepare salads and fruit salads and different things. When you’re preparing and that grape falls on the floor, don’t think, Okay, just let the dog eat it,’ because that actually destroys the kidneys. You get some nephrotoxicity from grapes. Garlic as well.”

Even holiday food that is not necessarily toxic in the moment for dogs and cats can cause issues down the road. Dr. Hodges identifies the common practice of throwing fat from meat on the floor for dogs as a common cause of pancreatitis for the animals.

“Animal-specific food only,” Dr. Ferguson says of his holiday food guide for pets. “Dog food for the dogs and cat food for the cats. Nothing from the table.”

Specific Risks for Dogs, Cats, Birds, and More

Perhaps you’ve noticed thus far that cats and dogs are the pets that make up the majority of the risk during the holiday season. Part of this is because they are the two most common house pets in the U.S. by far. But it also cannot be denied that they are just uniquely chaotic creatures. Which of the two represent the most danger to themselves and others during Christmastime? According to Drs. Hodges and Ferguson, it’s the doggos. 

“I’ve got to give it to dogs,” Dr. Hodges says. “Cats, they stalk and do different things, but dogs are, by nature, notoriously kind of clumsy. If anything hits the floor, they’ll eat it. I can’t remember the number of times I’ve had dogs come in. A vet is just trying to figure out ‘what the heck is going on? What has this dog done?’”

Dr. Hodges recalls a time that an owner believed that their dog got its paws on golden chocolate coins (gelt) from Hanukkah celebrations.

“Sure enough, I took an X-ray and this dog ate them whole. I think I cut out maybe 40 of these things – just whole coins from a whole bag. Dogs, I think, will find a way.”

Though dogs and cats make up the majority of holiday mischief, the vets’ advice to owners of less popular pets like birds, lizards, and hamsters is similar

“It’s pretty much the same thing,” Dr. Ferguson says. “If they can’t be watched or are not observed, then they need to be in their confinement so that they can’t get into these different things.”

“With birds, you have to be really careful with Teflon because Teflon is very toxic,” Dr. Hodges adds. “When you’re searing that butter and then the butter burns, that will move to your bird and you’ll find it at the bottom of their cage.”

What To Do During a Christmas Day Emergency

Thus far all of the Critter Fixers’ advice has been surrounding how to avoid holiday season pet emergencies. But what if an actual pet emergency arises on Christmas Day? According to Dr. Ferguson, the best plan of attack is to consider that possibility ahead of time and have access to your personal vet’s emergency line.

“We always let owners know to make sure they have our number, but they also have the number to the local emergency hospital so that when emergencies happen, you’re not scrambling trying to find numbers and you already have them stored,” Dr. Ferguson says. 

Dr. Hodges concurs: “If this is truly an emergency, then you definitely want to reach out to your veterinarian or emergency cert because some of this stuff can’t wait. A lot of times clients will call and they’ll be like, ‘I’m not sure if it is an emergency or not,’ and I normally say, ‘Look, if it was important enough for you to call, more than likely it’s an emergency, let’s get to the hospital.” We’d rather be safe than sorry.”

How Will COVID Effect Pets’ Holiday Experience?

Of course, the pet elephant in the room this holiday season is the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. Medical experts have rightfully recommended that people not travel or visit with family this holiday season. Given the stress of that new normal, wondering how our animals will react to a change in schedule for the holiday season is probably not high on everyone’s list of concerns. But it’s worth asking the question anyway: will our pets notice these new, unusual holiday celebrations?

According to Dr. Ferguson and Dr. Hodges, our pets have already spent much of quarantines and lockdowns adjusting to their owners’ new schedules.

“The pandemic is allowing us to be home more so when we do leave, it causes a lot of anxiety in the pets because they’ve become accustomed to you being there all the time,” Dr. Ferguson says. “It’s not like normally when you leave in the morning and come home in the evening. They become accustomed to that and now they’re accustomed to being there all day.”

“I have this exact case,” Dr. Hodges says of a patient in exam room 6. “The guy was a truck driver and he’d been home (for quarantine) and when he started leaving again, the dog was really acting out.”

The jury’s still out on how changes in holiday preparation will affect pets’ psyche but the duo explains that as long as owners are attentive to their pets’ emotional state, things should be just fine. 

Despite the strangeness of this COVID holiday season, and all the risks inherent to seasonal celebrations, the Critter Fixers have some good news to go out on. 

“Hopefully with the vaccinations coming out, we’ll all be able to experience a normal holiday next Christmas. In the meantime, give your pets a lot of love and enjoy that unconditional love,” Dr. Hodges says, before adding, “We’ve been asked this all throughout (the pandemic): ‘Can pets get COVID and give it to you or vice versa?’ The answer is no. We all know that your pets are COVID-free, so you’re free to hug and kiss them.”

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You heard the doctor’s orders. Happy holidays, everyone. Go hug and kiss some animals. 

The post A Guide to Pet Safety During the Holiday Season appeared first on Den of Geek.

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#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

[chaoscontrolstheworld]

Six Shooter - Chapter 9: Breakfast and Blood

A/N: So this time we’ll be adding warnings this time. So... warning for guns and blood.

Chapters: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16

Pairings: Analogical and Royality (not yet implemented)

Word Count: 4500+

“You what?”, Logan asked, giving the smaller of the Lilac brothers a confused and somewhat shocked look, eyebrows raising a little at the boy’s words.

“I said, Roman came over and-”

“Yes, yes. I heard that, but you let in strangers. That’s dangerous, you know that”, Logan chided, stepping back to the stove as he fried up eggs for breakfast, oil spitting a little under the once transparent liquid that now appeared a milky white.

“But they were with Roman. Roman would have shot them before they tried anything”, Anthony protested, sitting back in his chair with crossed arms and a pout. He had liked Joan and had told Roman he would tell Logan about their visit.

“They were still strangers, granted if Roman knew them they might have been trustworthy. I just still find it hard to believe you’d let strangers into the house”, Logan muttered, taking the hot pan off the stovetop and beginning to serve up the cooked eggs. Toast laid underneath, a sponge for the oncoming, runny gold that would come from the cooked egg.

“Roman said they were good people”, Anthony mumbled, taking his plate from the elder and cutting into the egg, smiling a little as the yolk ran out of the pale dome, thick, rich yellow that poured from the egg in a waterfall fashion. The toast soaked up a little of it as Anthony pushed his fork down on the top of the dome, smiling a little wider as more of the rich yellow flowed evenly from the egg.

“Roman may have said that, but they could have tricked him. I’d prefer if you didn’t invite people in without my consent, because as much as I trust Roman and his judgment I’d prefer to inspect who comes and goes myself”, Logan murmured, eyes shifting from his brother to his food and back up to his brother. Brown flickered with concern behind black-rimmed glasses while dark brown dulled a little with sadness and guilt.

“You know what’s best, Lo”, Anthony mumbled sadly, eyes stuck to his food as he picked at it guiltily, smile gone.

“Anthony…I don’t want to be harsh, but…I don’t know if I’ll always be there to protect you. It scares me how easy it would be for someone to attack you because they have Roman or father’s blessing to come inside. I’d rather you know that not everyone is good than have you grow up thinking the world is all sunshine and rainbows”, Logan said, voice soft as he reached out and gently took his younger brother’s hand. Anthony looked up at him and took his hand away, moving off his seat with a sigh and walking to Logan, enveloping the elder in a tight hug. Logan pulled his brother in tightly, reciprocating the gesture with the same amount of love, pain, and guilt.

“I’m sorry, Lo”, Anthony mumbled and Logan pulled back, taking Anthony’s hands in his own and giving him a look of concern and happiness.

“It’s alright. Just…be careful when I’m away. Father isn’t getting better anytime soon and I’d hate for anything to happen to you while I was away”, Logan muttered, pulling his brother close and pressing his warm lips against the young boy’s temple. Anthony shivered a little and butted his head softly against his brother’s lips. Logan pulled back and looked the younger in his eyes, smiling before ushering the boy back to his seat. “Eat up. You’ll need your strength.”

Anthony gave his brother a puzzled look, “For what?”

“For our outing today. You still want to learn how to shoot, right?”, Logan asked, chuckling a little as Anthony’s eyes lit up like a fire in the night, sparkling like stars as he pressed his hands to the white table cloth. His smile had grown wide, eyes fixed on his brother. Logan pointed his fork at the younger boy’s egg and toast. “Eat up.”

Anthony didn’t need to be told twice, practically inhaling the eggs without a second thought and tearing the toast apart. Logan let out a little laugh at the boy’s rapid movements, breakfast gone not a minute later. There was a little yolk on the no longer pristine white table cloth, but Logan didn’t mind washing it off. He hoped it wouldn’t stain, but it was worth it to see his brother so alive again.

“Done. Let’s go”, Anthony cried out, running to wash the plate and cutlery, moving as fast as he could to clean up after himself. Logan watched on with a bemused expression, wonder and curiosity filling his eyes as he watched on. Anthony stopped his frantic movements for a second to look at Logan.

“Are you getting ready or not?”, Anthony asked before he moved back to cleaning, eyes dancing with hope and excitement. Logan chuckled, he had to give his brother applause for the effort and change in demeanor. The eggs on his plate were gone in seconds flat, mouth wiped clean and plate washed before his brother knew what was happening.

“You should hurry up, Anthony”, Logan teased lightly as he walked to grab his saddle bag and horse. Anthony watched on in surprise and shock. His brother was fast, he’d give him that, Anthony would have to step up his game.

“You…you eat like Roman”, Anthony called out as Logan stepped out of the door.

“You learn how to do that”, Logan called back, laughter in his voice as he moved off to the stables. Anthony finished the dishes quickly, grabbing what he needed and racing out after his older brother.

Logan was already atop his horse by the time Anthony made it to the stables, his brother’s horse attached to his own as he walked the pair out. Anthony was quick to push himself up and untie his horse from Logan’s, pulling the creature away from the other horse and smiling at his brother. The smile faded as he looked up to the window of their father’s room.

“What about father?”, Anthony asked quietly and Logan looked back at his brother.

“I gave him his medicine last night and he should be either well enough to take care of the basic necessities or get another spoonful of the concoction the chemist whipped up”, Logan said softly, eyes moving from his brother to his father’s window and back again, “we should get going, though. The sooner we leave the more time we get together.”

Anthony nodded at his brother’s sound logic and pushed his horse off. Even if he wanted to stay and make sure his father continued to recover, the thrill and happiness he received from being with his brother was more than enough to push thoughts of his foster father out of his mind. The only thing that didn’t make sense to him was how his father could have gotten the sickness in the first place, that exact thought ran through the backs of the brother’s minds as they rode towards the town centre, dust clouding behind them.

The sun moved across the land, daring them to follow in its harsh rays and golden light. Birds called from The Green as they passed it, splashing coming from the river as they turned to it, wading their horses through the rushing stream and out to the other side. Anthony cupped his hands around his mouth, horse stopping as he made an unrealistic bird call. The boy listened, eyes on the sky and ears sharp, waiting for another freedom seeker to return the call. Logan looked back, horse stopping as he watched his brother with interest. A small smile pricked the ends of his lips, turning them upwards as he too cupped his hands, letting out a more realistic sound, however broken it might have been. Anthony looked at his brother, the sun rising in front of them and causing the elder to gain a somewhat ethereal glow. Logan looked back at him with a smile and Anthony could only smile back as bird calls filled the air, feathered beasts taking flight into the baby blue, sun-stained sky.

They rode on, stopping briefly for refreshments and rest as the sun bore down on them, hot rays burning their insides and scorching their eyes. The time dragged by, falling through the cracks in the day as they rode, sand rushing up behind them in clouds. Crow Ridge loomed up out of the sand, black skeletal ruins jutted out of the glistening brown like broken, scorched ribs the heart and lungs of which had been just as burned, turned to ash in the conflagration of myths passed.

“Want to practice on the mill?”, Logan asked, turning in his saddle to look back at Anthony. The younger of the two nodded, pushing his horse closer to his brother’s and then further, taking the lead as the blackened sand turned under steel horseshoes. Black, charred wood turned to dust under hoof as the still smoke-filled air settled heavy in their lungs. They trekked to the old schoolhouse. The mill was where it should have been, rusty blades dull in the sun, creaking ever so slightly as the wind ran through the metal construct. “I’ll tie up the horses, you get practicing.”

Logan passed Anthony one of his pistols, the smaller of the three he carried on his person. Anthony slid of his horse as Logan grabbed the stallion’s reins, pulling the horse along behind his mare and dismounting close to the fence. Anthony pulled out his small pistol, checking over the firearm then looking between his and his brother’s. His own looked more like a cheap imitation, dark metal covering the intricate workings while the leather that wrapped around the base seemed much faker and darker than Logan’s. Logan’s pistol was, as to be expected of someone that brought in outlaws for a living, top of the line. Shining silver metal carved with intricate designs and burned with his initials.

“How much d’you pay for this?”, Anthony mumbled, turning it over and putting his own away, taking the firearm in both hands and holding it up to the sun, watching as the sunlight melted into the grooves and changed the metal into melted gold.

“A small fortune. It’s one of the better ones I own, but I don’t use it as much. For what it’s worth its rubbish”, Logan murmured, tying the horses up and setting out some water for them which they drank gratefully.

“Why’d you get it then? If it’s so bad, why don’t you return it or sell it?”, Anthony asked, turning the firearm over and running his fingers over the warm metal.

“First off, I didn’t mean to get it, Roman go it for me. Second, since Roman got it for me I’m not just going to pawn it off to someone else”, Logan said, eyes wandering to the rusty blades as he moved over to his brother’s side. Sand danced around them as the wind picked up, black and red swirling under their feet, pushing past them and up the hill.

“Why did Roman get you a pistol?”, Anthony asked, ice hidden in the depths of his mumbled question.

“We’d just finished our first big job. Killed in a man named Jeffrey Colesman in a gunfight and earned a large sum for our troubles”, Logan said, picking the gun gently out of his younger brother’s hands and cocking it towards the windmill. He pulled the trigger and the duo heard a small clang of metal hitting metal. Logan dropped the pistol back into Anthony’s waiting hands with a small smirk on his face.

“Can I…can I hear more about your jobs?”, Anthony asked, looking up at his brother, who nodded softly and stepped back, crossing his arms over his chest. Anthony cocked the gun and fired at the mill, trying again as Logan began to talk. Stories of famous outlaws and minor thieves getting their comeuppance flowing easily as Anthony tried again and again to hit one of the rusty blades. The sun moving high overhead as finally one of the bullets hit the metal. Anthony let out a cry of happiness and Logan clapped slowly, a smile adorning his face.

Roman yawned and turned over in his bed, mumbling softly as he opened his eyes and tried to swat the sunlight that was streaming through his window away. It was a fruitless venture, but he tried it regardless only to have his hand fall heavily onto his chest. He licked his lips and blinked wearily as the world came into focus around him. His room, his bed, his friend, his chair…Joan? There they were standing at his door with a small smile on their face.

“Finally awake, huh?”, they asked, looking down at Roman with a smirk. Roman groaned and turned over, pulling his pillow over his head and mumbling into his sheets. Joan just rolled their eyes and made a move towards the bed, arms crossed over their chest. “Get up. Tal’s making breakfast for us and I’ll eat all of yours if you don’t.”

“Why’s Talyn making breakfast?”, Roman asked through a yawn, pulling his head out from under the pillow and looking back at the bartender.

“They got up before us, something about wanting to leave so they can check on their bar and they were nice enough to make us some before they left. So, get up and get out there to thank them before they leave”, Joan growled, making Roman start a little and look back at them.

“Gee, you two sure are close”, Roman muttered under his breath as he rolled out of his bed and stood up, stretching and listening contentedly to the popping of his joints.

“We’re friends, that’s all. Now hurry up, I’ll be leaving shortly after to make sure my bar’s still there”, Joan said before disappearing out of the door and closing it behind them. Roman grunted softly as he got dressed, pulling his coat over his shoulders and attaching his pistols to his sides.

“Never know when you’ll need to defend someone”, Roman said with a smirk, reaching for his door and opening it swiftly, smiling as he heard laughter from the kitchen. He walked into the light-yellow room and sighed as the smell of cooked apples filled the air, accompanied by cinnamon and sugar. His mouth watered a little as he took the seat across from Joan, looking over at the bartender’s plate and eyeing the apple mixture that sat in a small bowl next to some toast. Joan was munching on a piece of toast happily, eyes glancing around the room, moving from the mahogany cabinet to the china plates on the shelf near where Talyn was scrubbing a small pot in the sink.

“I can do that for you. If you two need to leave, I can clean up”, Roman offered and Talyn looked over, smiling a little at the man before going back to scrubbing.

“It’s fine, Roman. Thank you for letting us stay the night”, Talyn said, putting the pot down and walking over to grab a cloth covered tray.

“Have you eaten yet?”, Roman asked and Talyn nodded softly, setting the tray down in front of Roman and taking the cloth off. Roman’s eyes widened at the large amount of food. Jam and apple in twin bowls, toast still warm on a plate to the side, a glass of water, some scrambled eggs in a shallow bowl, and silver cutlery set to the side of the tray, a small white napkin stuck out under the silver utensils. “How…how long did this take you?”

“A little while. You like it?”, Talyn asked, tucking the cloth under one arm and heading back to the pot.

“Yeah…yeah this is amazing”, Roman complimented, looking at Joan who gave him a smirk.

“You should have seen them when we had guests over who slept in. I remember one time you made a banquet for five people”, Joan said, relishing in the fact that Roman like Talyn’s cooking.

“Oh, hush you. It wasn’t anything too big and it was mostly raw”, Talyn murmured, scrubbing the pot a little harsher and hiding a smile.

“But it was amazing and now Roman knows. You’ll come visit Tal, right Roman?”, Joan said giving Roman an icy smile. Roman nodded and swallowed before digging into the food.

“Oh, I’ll definitely visit, especially if you give me food like this”, Roman said, swallowing some apple and toast with a smile. Talyn turned and flashed him a small smile of their own at Roman. Joan coughed a little and offered up a small smirk, humming lightly before they stood and walked over to the other bartender.

“Move. I’ll finish you go get ready”, Joan muttered and Talyn moved out of the way, walking past Roman and to their room after offering the hunter an eye roll. Roman chuckled a little and continued to eat.

“I’ll come with you two. Might as well, am I right?”, Roman said as he finished up the last of the food, patting his stomach softly and smiling as the food sat comfortably.

“Sounds good to me, you can come and see where we work and live. We’ll drop Talyn off first though, they’ve been away from their bar for longer than I have”, Joan muttered and Roman nodded, standing and taking the tray over to where Joan was.

“Leave it out and I’ll finish it off tonight”, Roman said with a smile. Joan gave him a nod and moved away from the sink, wiping their hands on a towel and walking towards the doorway as Roman began to fill the bowls and glass with water.

“I’ll get freshened up a bit and we can head out”, Joan said, leaving the room as Roman hummed lightly in response. Roman dried off his hands and walked to his bedroom, gathering his knife and a few extra bullets before exiting his room and walking to the front door. Talyn and Joan were already waiting there for him, chatting softly as Joan leaned on the wall.

“Ready?”, Roman asked as he looked between the two. Talyn gave him a smile while Joan gave him a smirk, pulling off the wall and shuffling out of the way of the door.

“After you, my liege”, Joan said, bowing deeply as Talyn chuckled. Roman rolled his eyes but smiled nonetheless.

“I haven’t heard that nickname in ages”, Roman muttered, turning the handle and holding the door open or the other two before closing the door and walking down the path to the gate with the two outsiders. They three walked down the hill sun high in the sky as they neared the bar, horses in sight. Roman sighed as he remembered he’d lent his horse to Patton, maybe he’d let the two leave without him.

“Roman, you alright? You look a little down”, Talyn said and Roman shook his head.

“I lent my horse to a friend so I won’t be able to come with you”, Roman sighed before Joan chuckled, looking down at him from atop his horse.

“You can ride with me and we’ll just bring you back. I don’t mind riding home alone and I have my pistol in case I get jumped”, Joan said with a smile.

“Sounds good, I guess. So, I ride with you. Stay a night and come back tomorrow”, Roman planned out his trip to Joan’s. Talyn chuckled a little and set off, leaving the two in the dust.

“You coming or what?”, they called back as they sped off, James neighing lightly as his brown mane whipped Talyn’s hands as the laughed a little, covering their mouth with their bandanna and looking out into the sun-drenched desert. Joan called out for them to wait as Roman jumped up behind them, gripping Joan’s shoulders and calling out for Joan to ‘follow that horse’.

Joan’s mare whinnied as they slowed down, dust rising on a ridge a little way off. The group stopped to look at the dust cloud moving fast through the desert.

“What’s that?”, Talyn asked softly, eyes focused on the cloud as it slowed a little, two horses moving out of it and stopping before heading off again a second later.

“Looks like it’s just two travelers, like us”, Joan murmured, kicking their horse and setting off once more as the black and brown horses moved away from them.

Virgil kicked Di harder, not caring as Patton let out a screech behind him, his own horse struggling to keep up with Di’s speed. Di was at her limits as well, but Virgil didn’t care. The anger within him was boiling, swirling, pulsing through his veins and infecting his heart. It screamed in his head and made the world around him turn red. If he could have, he’d have stopped himself. He’d seen this anger before, not once or twice but multiple times. It was detrimental, suicidal thinking that drove outlaws and innocents alike into a murderous rage. Part of him wanted to stop Di, slow her and show her that he was just trying to help someone. The rest of him, the majority of him that burned with the swelling anger wanted, no…needed to get to Akers town and fast, no matter the cost.

Patton screamed behind him, calling for him to wait as dust and sand was throw into the bartender’s face. His horse reared to the side a little, finally catching up to Di and Virgil. Patton was just about to yell at him, anger coursing through him at the prospect of being left behind, when he saw the rage in Virgil’s eyes. The outlaw’s jaw was clenched tightly, cheeks red as the blood simmered behind the skin and lips ran taunt against a snarl. His eyes held a fury like nothing the bartender had seen before; cold as the desert night, yet hot as the blue fire of a bonfire. Patton clammed up, swallowing back his words and turning his face to look at his horse’s mane. The stallion, Cameron by name, was puffing slightly, muscles rippling under a silky brown coat. Nothing like Virgil’s sleek black mare, with her perfect physique and well-toned body, perfect for such journeys.

The sun was beating down on them, warming Patton and the icy dread that had curled up in his stomach. The day was half over and he had yet to talk to Virgil about the trip to Akers town. They’d travelled the night away and Patton was beyond tired at this point, head and eyes screaming for rest while his body felt like lead in the saddle. He’d never done this much cantering before in such a short amount of time, and he’d be damned if he ever did a trip like this again, but Virgil’s anger, his determination, his fighter spirit got to Patton. It cooled the rays of sun, melted the dread and filled him up with a newfound fire, a blaze of his own. Akers town was in sight and in a rush of stupid, foolhardy excitement Patton pushed Cameron to the town’s entrance, leaving Virgil in the dust. That was the first thing, and only thing, Virgil remembered of the entire trip.

They pulled their horses reins, slowing to a walk as they reached the bar. The town was clear of people, most likely due to the unbearable heat that had set upon the desert. Outside of the bar the trough had been dried, water completely evaporated in the burning heat leaving nothing but exposed, dirty metal. Virgil’s eyes darted from the bartender to the hill, narrowing at the Lilac house before he let out a cry and jammed the heels of his boots into Di’s sides. Di shot off, black mane rippling in the wind as sand was blown back, hot wind pushing the luscious hair to the side. Patton followed, icy dread filling his stomach once more as the pair journeyed up the hill. The horses struggled on the rocks, unused to the unstable terrain, but both persevered. Hooves clattered against the rocks, a spark flying loose as one hit a flint rock.

The Lilac house stood still, a white towering monster atop dry grass. Virgil pulled Di to a stop, slipping off and racing to the door in record time. He stopped, face red from the heat and anger, worry sinking his heart to his stomach as the door stood ajar. He could hear Patton growling a little in the background as he tied the horses to the Lilac property fence, focused more on the task than why the pair were here. Virgil surged forward, moving past the door and stopping to listen for footsteps of any kind. Soft thuds emanated from upstairs and Virgil pulled out his pistol, reloading the weapon and moving up the stairs as silently as possible.

The landing above was clear of potential threats, but Thomas was an outlaw boss, there was no way he’d not have head Virgil come in. The outlaw studied the three doors that laid ahead of him; baby blue, navy blue, and peeling white. He crept towards the navy, the furthest from the stairs and the only one with a brass handle, the others holding wooden handles painted with their respective colours. The door creaked open as he twisted the knob, pistol held tight in his grasp. He sniffed and turned away, the room was neat with one book shelf on the far wall, a white windowsill, a small desk opposite the oak bed and a large trunk at the foot of the bed. The door was closed quietly behind him and Virgil made his way to the white door as he heard a sound downstairs, most likely Patton. He wished the man wouldn’t make so much noise, but it was too late now.

The door was heavier, but there was a succession of coughs coming from behind it that indicated life. Virgil pushed it open, pistol trained on the only source of life within the confines of the four walls. An old man in a bed, salt and pepper hair splayed across a white pillow. The man looked up at him and Virgil lowered his gun, realizing the old man was David Lilac. Virgil gave the man a soft smile as the man’s eyes moved to the door. The outlaw sighed and moved closer to the bed, David’s eyes widening a little in a pleading way.

“Sorry, old man. Thought you were someone else.”

“And who, perchance, did you think he was?”, a voice like silk asked from behind the door. Virgil’s eyes widened and he spun around, pain erupting from his side as something tore through his flesh. He smelt gunpowder, heard a cry of alarm and a gunshot, this time further away. His hand touched his side as he felt his body meet wood. He brought his fingers up to his face to look at them. Something wet dripped onto his cheek, but he couldn’t bring himself to wipe it away. Why was his hand red? Why did his side hurt? Why did his side hurt so much?

He let out a scream.

Acknowledgements/Thank you to: @xxtearfulchildxx ( @lowkeysalient ) and @sea-blue-child

Asks, messages and notes are all good to ask if you can be put in the acknowledgements (tags)

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #wild west AU #6shooterfic #analogical #royality