#Feel guilty I stopped thinking bout it but it just made me so depressed

[starlightshadowsworld]

Remembering that more than a million Uighur Muslims are still held in concentration camps in China.

...because no one's talking about them anymore.

And it feels like no one will get them out.

A discussion about it was voted down in the UN.

By Muslim countries...

Which is so fucked up I can't even put it into words...

There suffering... Raped, starved, tortured, forcibly sterilised.

Stolen from their homes and taken away.

We're told their "re-education camps" to stop terrorism and extremisism.

It's genocide.

One the world needs to stop denying.

#uighur #uighur muslims #Feel guilty I stopped thinking bout it but it just made me so depressed #I can't imagine what their going through #World news #Muslim #Islam

[broodpeas]

A List of Books I read.

Unlike years before, where I'd normally make a list of fave records or artists, this year I decided that I am no longer the 2012 version of me who was obsessed in never missing out new artists, albums and list that recommended best new music.

My apple music wrapped showed me that since 2016 my most listen song is the same (it's Cranes in the Sky by Solange, because A Seat at the Table is probably one of my favorite records of all times, so much so, it became the soundtrack of my masters thesis) and Beyoncé is still my favorite artist (has been since 2013). And because graduating from my masters gave me the break I needed to go back to reading stuff I care and like, I decided to simply write here the books I read this year. Some were good, some were really fucking good, and some were...well, they were books written by people with far more talent than I'll ever have, and thye got published.

In any case, the truth of the matter is that 2023 was the year of reading for me. I've been a Reader since I was a kid, but with academic work, for many years I didn't have the time or the energy to read what I really cared about- I had to write thesis and papers and essays and they all required I focused on reading what I needed to write those papers and essays and thesis. In addition to Academia, being depressed and having serious bouts of sadness and suicidal thoughts for many years -it hasn't stopped, although therapy has help a bit- also caused that for many years I could barely read things, and that includes many books I was suppose to read during college but didn't- not that I care much about this, but sometimes I do feel guilty about people reading Kant and me pretending I was and that I actually understood what that german hellman was writing about.

However, when I realized I could pick up books that I thought would give me comfort, joy, or simply piked my interest, then I decided I simply had to read, and since 2021, I've given myself the chance to do just that. It no longer matters to me if read a few pages, or read obsessively one book in a matter of hours, at the end, what matters to me, is to read (although when I read on my ipad I do have a 20 minute timer thingy and I do have a focus mode that doesn't allow any apps to interrupt my reading). This has allowed me to feel more comfortable with the fact I realized reading (like writing) is a political act. About 5/6 years ago I decided I would not read academic books unless it was strictly necessary, and if for research I needed to find bibliography, I would make sure I would have a diverse set of voices and not just white, western, cishet male writers. This didn't please most of my professors, especially the male ones, who consider most of my sources to be unrealiable because they weren't men. Some pointed out that as Colombian, I was suppose to choose only spanish writers, and when I did, they got upset because they weren't men. But, in the end, because I learnt that I couldn't sit down to wait for them to catch up to me, I forced my authors in, and I do not regret this decision. I owe the education I have to myself, and myself only. So, in the wise words of Snoop Dogg, I wanna thank me. This has made me a very good reader and an okay Academic.

I also decided that, if I was going to read fiction and non fiction, poetry and essays; then I had to think carefully what authors I wanted to read. Because I wasn't the audience male writers wanted: I am not a man, nor I am white, and as I currently struggle to label my gender, I realized I wanted to read the so-called outside of the canon, peripheral writers/voices/narratives/stories. That decision has proven to be difficult, because I have to constantly check not only what I'm reading but who I'm reading. At the same time, from time to time -especially this year, as this is the year I read many books-, I stop, check myself, and after I realize I'm not following my rules, I re-calibrate my reads and make sure I find my way back to the voices and stories I want to support, engage with, and care about.

Finally, someone on Mastodon pointed out the following questions, that made me realized my decision to read authours outside the so-called canon should be more thoughtful, more political. The questions I paraphrased here for the simple reason of leaving them here, in case anyone finds them: why aren't voices outisde the priviledge that narrate stories that white voices can narrate [from a place, with a voice, about whom and which contexts...]? If they do exist, why aren't those voices published? And if they are published, why aren't we reading them. "I believe it is important to question more who can become writers, who is published and what do we read".

Here's my list of books read in 2023*.

Books I bought because the cover was cute, interesting, or tumblr aesthetic inspired.

Las palabras que confiamos al viento, by Laura Imai Messina.

La clase de griego, by Han Kang.

Books I bought that I got because the title sounded interesting and they fucking were.

Milk fed, by Melissa Broder.

Today, Tonight Tomorrow, by Rachel Lynn Salomon.

Good Material, by Dolly Alderton.

The women of Troy, by Pat Barker.

Books I read and when I was done, I actually wanted to throw my ipad, my kindle or the book out the window.

Happy place, by Emily Henry.

A perfect vintage, by Chelsea Fagan.

The roughest draft, by Emily Wibberley and Agustin Siegmund-Broka.

Crazy Stupid Bromance, by Lyssa Kay Adams.

To Sir with love, by Lauren Layne.

Spare, by Prince Harry.

Plot twist, by Erin de la Rosa.

How to fake it in Hollywood, by Ava Wilder.

Next of Kin, by Hannah Bonam-Young.

Books I really didn't understand, but I know they were good.

La encomienda, by Margarita García Robayo.

History books I read that I wasn't sure why I got them, but they were okay (I guess).

Piratas: Una historia desde los vikingos hasta hoy, by Peter Lerh.

The Last million: Europe's displaced persons from World War II, by David Nasaw.

Imperial Twilight: The Opium War and the End of China's Last Golden Age, by Stephen R. Platt.

Non-fiction books that fucked me up (the good way).

How to read, by Elaine Castillo.

You Could Make this Place Beautiful, by Maggie Smith.

Seventeen, by Joe Gibson.

Against White Feminism: Notes on Disruption, by Rafia Zakaria.

Hijab Butch Blues, by Lamya H.

Romantic Comedies or simply Romance books that were a nice read but lacked a bit of complexity, although such fun read they still got my 4/5 stars on Goodreads and Apple Books.

Nora Goes Off Script, by Annabel Monaghan.

Romantic Comedy, Curtis Sttenfeld.

The Bride Test, by Helen Hoang.

The Heart Principle, by Helen Hoang.

Once more with Feeling, by Elissa Sussman.

The Fastest Way to Fall, by Denise Williams.

Weather Girl, by Rachel Lynn Solomon.

The Ex Talk, by Rachel Lynn Solomon.

Authors that wrote seriously great books and I don't think the 5 stars on Goodreads and Apple books was enough.

Matrix, by Lauren Groff.

Woman, Eating; by Claire Khoda.

Mucho Ado about Nada, by Uzma Jalalauddin.

Ayesha at Last, by Uzma Jalalauddin.

A Shot in the Dark, by Victoria Lee.

Hamnet, by Maggie O'Farrell.

Business or Pleasure, by Rachel Lynn Solomon.

You, Again; by Kate Goldbeck.

Hamnet, by Maggie O'Farrell.

Eligible: A Modern Retelling of Pride & Prejudice, by Curtis Sittenfeld.

For 2024, there's a really long list of pre-ordered books (some are essays, some are memoirs, some are romcoms). I also have a respectable list of books that I was suppose to read this year but I couldn't because I didn't want to, or I started it but I switch it and I'll get back to them. I don't know what next year will have in store for me- this year was so difficult, so painful, that has made me realized I still am in a crossroad whether I want to stay alive or not; but at least I had books, and I was able to find in the reading hours time to rest from my own feelings and thoughts. If 2024 is the year where something happens, I hope at least it has books. And maybe some more writing in this blog.

*Please keep in mind that some weren't published in the present year, and some others were readings I started in 2022 and only finished this year.

#pazcual__ #books2023

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW Emotional Abuse? Familial problems, general trauma, addiction, drugging, sa/hospitalization, very depressing

Hello I think I’m asking for advice mainly on how to escape my situation or even just support/resources. I currently live with my older sister who hasn’t ever really been close to me but instead has been more of a negative person in my life. I haven’t been able to stop crying rethinking the situation I’m in since it feels emotionally paralyzing.

My parents sort of forced her to take care of me at a young age so as a result she naturally hates me and is stuck with me as I am with her. After a long bout of traumas/fights etc from leaving our abusive household together we sort of were bonding since we understood each others pain and we kind of had to, our checks together were the only things stopping us from being homeless but still are which is why I’m really stressed out.

After we moved in together to our first apartment however my older brother had also been having issues at our parents so I let him come over whenever he felt like. He was doing meth and didn’t let me know but instead lied and said he was clean, eventually meth got into my system after he stayed for 2 days possibly when he let me try a cigarette for the first time or I’m not sure if he laced my weed but I ended up in the hospital for two weeks unaware of instead thinking I had finally broke my brain until I saw my hospital discharge papers. I was in psychosis for almost 2 years on and off going back into hospitals mainly because I became so suicidal I couldn’t take it anymore, I hardly remember the past 3 years of my life either because I didn’t create memories I loved or it was just so stressful my mind blocked it out.

What really halted my recovery was my sister letting my brother come back around after I came out of the hospital because she felt bad for him. She’d put up paintings he’d make while on meth on the kitchen wall and when I’d cry and ask her to take them down she’d basically make me feel guilty for feeling the way I did. This only made me worse and it’s taken 3 years for me to get back to a place mentally where I feel safe but the last time she let him over here was still a month ago, I just finally couldn’t take it anymore and told him to leave and not come back. She let him back in the next morning though but kicked him out when he inconvenienced her instead.

Earlier this year I tried going to a program called Job Corps because it was a free ticket out of the state but straight to a gov facility, at least they’d give me training for a trade certification and some needed skills, mainly a new environment. However my sister didn’t like the idea when I mentioned moving out or leaving for the year so now I’m just washing dishes for 14 an hour instead of studying like I wanted and need to. I try not to throw the term abuse around but it just feels emotionally damaging how i haveto live in her shadow all the time.

I’m scared of moving out not because of having to support myself but her being left with a financial mess, she also had told me that leaving would make things harder for her and just be “running away”. I’m in my early 20s and she’s 10 years older yet my job is what’s keeping us from being homeless I mention it just cause it’s weird she went to vacation a few days ago even though we’re broke and I give her most of my money when I get l paid, and even then she’ll get mad if I buy something she thinks I shouldn’t have.

I just constantly feel alone like I’ve never heard of someone being in this sort of situation so I’ve never heard of anyone being able to leave it behind either, I guess I’m mainly asking for hope after letting this all out I don’t really have any left but I’m trying, I appreciate it.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. Please know that you're not alone in experiencing this, and I have answered a few other asks from people in similar situations as well.

It's important to remember that while your sister may have some resentment over having to take care of you growing up, that doesn't explain or justify becoming abusive to you. It sounds like you have a complicated dynamic between your siblings. It seems that your sister feels pity for your brother and doesn't understand why he makes you uncomfortable, especially considering your hospital visit and suicidal thoughts.

It's not up to your sister to determine where you will work - you are your own self. It sounds like she is emotionally abusive and doesn't respect your autonomy, especially if it means moving out. It also sounds like she may be financially abusive as well considering that you give her most of your money when you get paid, and controls how you spend your money. Part of why your sister may be discouraging you from leaving is because it would mean that she can no longer take advantage of you.

Leaving this kind of situation is not simple or easy, but there are a few suggestions. While this resource is in reference to domestic violence cases, these tips on leaving an abusive situation can still apply. Here is a masterlist of international crisis lines you can contact, which may be able to help you get in touch with someone who can assist you in this process.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse #tw substance abuse #tw financial abuse #tw sa #tw child abuse

[jincherie]

important; please read

hello everyone! long time no see! to be perfectly honest, I'm pretty ashamed at how long it has been since I have tended to this blog.

To cut a pretty long, convoluted story short: this past year has not been good to me.

In fact, I could argue that as it went on, it just got progressively worse. My mental health has taken the biggest blow it ever has in my life, and to be honest that makes me a little ashamed because I thought I would be able to handle myself better after how harshly it suffered when I was living with my mother. The culprits are anxiety, stress, and the somewhat-recent diagnosis of ADHD and a mood disorder that throws me into depressive bouts every so often. I have always been easily overwhelmed, but this past year it feels like that has been the only way I have lived.

My room hasn't been truly clean in over a year; I'm constantly drowning in clutter both literal and figurative because I'm so overwhelmed I don't even know where to start sorting it out and tidying it up. My grades have suffered, my body has suffered. As I write this I am also writing a 'show cause' response for my university because I haven't made satisfactory progress through my degree and if it continues the result will be expulsion. fun!

This is probably oversharing, but to be honest everyone here has supported me so much, so long, that I think you deserve to know what's been going on behind the scenes.

I did start to get a little bit better around the start of the year, actually. But that progress went down the drain faster than it was made due to the unfortunate combination of emotional distress caused by my mother being herself, one of my much loved family pets passing away out of nowhere, and my grandmother having a number of heart incidents only for the last one to lead to the discovery of something cancerous on her lungs. I am not having a good time.

I am so fucking ashamed of myself for letting things get so bad, despite the admittedly little control I had over it. I have still so many things I want to write and finish and so many ideas that I wish I could just will into existence that it's not even funny. I want to continue to write and create without having this tremendous stress hanging over my head all the time. I can't even think about writing on a good day without feeling so damn guilty because there's so many things I need to write, and so many other things in my life that I also need to be doing. It's overwhelming.

I am at the point where I have to acknowledge, however, that I cannot keep up the lifestyle I used to and I need to put more priority into certain parts of my life. And so, I need to announce a few things.

I will be going on indefinite hiatus for the time being.

This will be my first official hiatus. I intend to continue my writing at some point, however it's not something I will be able to even think about doing until my current semester is finished and I have some control back over my life.

I will be refunding all commissions received that have not been completed and posted.

this is something I should have done a while ago, but I didn't want to hand the towel in because I wanted so badly to write the wonderful things that were submitted as commissions. I wanted to show my thanks for the support given to me, and above all else I didn't want to disappoint. However, as a result I probably ended up disappointing you all even more.

To those who commissioned me and didn't end up receiving the goods that you paid for in a timely manner, I sincerely and wholeheartedly apologise. In all honesty, I feel so fucking awful that it almost makes me sick. It was never my intention to take your commissions without fulfilling my end of the transaction for so long, and for the fact that it ended up that way I cannot apologise enough. It has broken the trust you had in me and I don't think I will stop beating myself up about that for a while. You who supported me so willingly deserve better than the way this ended up.

Those who commissioned me, please message me your paypal details and how much you paid -- please send it to @jooniecherie. I will be refunding the money as soon as I see the message. Again, I can't apologise enough for making you wait so long.

There are a number of commissions that I started and are part-way completed. I will be endeavouring to complete these and post them after my hiatus, but those who commissioned them will still be refunded.

Ultimately, I am so incredibly sorry that my own personal issues and struggles have bled out to affect others in such a way. A number of you have worried about me and checked in, and for that I am eternally grateful. I'm fine without really being fine, if that makes sense? But I'm grateful for the support I've gotten over the years, and I'm sorry I haven't been able to live up to expectations. I hope to do better, but first I need to heal myself and my life.

Thank you for reading this. I sincerely hope that you're all doing better than me, and I hope it won't be too long before I'm updating you all again. <3

#commissions #update #important #announcement

[4ragon]

ooo if you could write a bit about your take on klavier & phoenix dynamics or maybe kristoph & phoenix? love ur fics btw!

Eeee thank you!! I'm glad you like them.

Man, Phoenix's relationship with both of the Gavin brothers never ceases to fascinate me. It's such a deeply complex web of mistrust and betrayal and forgiveness, and it's so interesting!

I guess to start with, let's talk Phoenix and Klavier. Because whoo boy, I feel like that is just a mess. I do genuinely believe that Phoenix suspected Klavier was complicit in the scheme that got him disbarred at first. I mean, honestly, that sort of fits with a lot of the corruption he'd been dealing with prior to that final case. Not all prosecutors were bad or evil, but so many of them had something to prove. It wasn't out of the realm of possibility that this self-absorbed hotshot rookie would be so desperate to win that he would frame Phoenix and destroy his reputation.

I think the part that stumps me is when exactly Phoenix realized that Klavier was not to blame. Did he learn it over the seven year gap? Did it take until seeing him face off with Apollo in court? But I think once he realizes it, he realizes that of course he can't blame a seventeen year old kid for what happened. After all, Phoenix did present forged evidence. He made that decision, even if he was tricked. And Klavier, a literal child, was just doing what he thought was right. He knew there was a forgery, he drew it out, and he stopped it. His only mistake was trusting Kristoph, and how could Phoenix possibly blame a child for trusting his brother? No, as soon as Phoenix realizes that, I think any ill will toward Klavier would disappear in smoke.

Conversely, I think Klavier really did believe that Phoenix was a cheat and a liar, but I do think there was still that piece of doubt in him that gnawed at his insides. It's part of why he left the court to focus on his music career. He knew that he was right, but there was always that piece that wouldn't fit right, and it made him far too terrified to ever try to look past the surface until the Misham trial. Instead, he doubled down on his beliefs, that he did the right thing, that Phoenix was a hack fraud.

And then, I think as soon as that denial was no longer an option, he felt immensely guilty. After all, he ruined an innocent man's life for no reason.

I feel like Klavier is convinced for many years afterward that Phoenix despises him, and that hatred is justified. I think he would probably be good at hiding it, he's very good at masking his feelings and performing, just like Trucy. However, I think it would take a long time to really forgive himself, and I think until he and Phoenix have a heart to heart, he really wouldn't be able to move past that.

Phoenix, of course, would still have mixed feelings, but hatred and blame are not among them. He thinks Klavier is a good man, and a competent lawyer. Still, I think being "close friends" with Kristoph for seven years would mean that Phoenix would notice some subtle similarities between the two of them.

Whoops, that was a lot of text and I haven't even gotten to Kristoph yet.

I do think I've talked about these two before but I think what interests me the most about these two is how, even when they’re using people and manipulating those around them, their motivations are so wildly different.

Like, funnily enough, I feel like their biggest flaws are that they both desperately need to be needed by people around them. Phoenix barely functions when he's alone. He didn't take a single case after AA1 when Maya went back to Kurain, he seems like he's prone to bouts of depression. Interestingly, I saw a post from an interview that mentioned that when he has free time, unless he's invited somewhere by someone, he just sits at home and watches tv.

I think a lot about Phoenix's motivations (if you couldn't tell from the ENTIRETY of the Miraculous Disappearance of Phoenix Wright) but I think what makes him interesting to me is how much he cares about the wellbeing of people around him. He has a hero complex, in part because he's just so gosh darn empathetic. He's been there, he knows what it's like to have no one on his side. He feels that pain, and he needs to make sure no one else has to feel that pain. And he's so caught up in the pain of others that sometimes he doesn't know how to take care of himself.

Conversely, Kristoph also needs to be needed. But unlike Phoenix, that need isn't really fueled by empathy. It's fueled by his need for control. Again, mentioned that before, but Kristoph is so deeply terrified of not being needed, of not having that control of other people. He uses people and manipulates them not because he’s some evil monster, but because that’s how he keeps in control of the world around him. Mmmm shoot I don't want to go too much into this specific topic because my friend Grace was talking about this the other day and I don't want to just steal her ideas. She’s very smart. I feel weird about tagging her though I don’t know if that’s rude or not.

Anyway, in addition to that, I love thinking about their friendship. They were clearly "close" by AA4, and I have to imagine they knew each other incredibly well. They ate dinner together every week. Phoenix had visited Kristoph's office before. I like to imagine Phoenix at least partially wanted their friendship to be real. Façade though it was, there was still time and effort put into that relationship. They still had to know so much about each other, you can’t spend that much time together and not become intimately familiar. Phoenix had to let Kristoph into his life, and vise versa, if they wanted to keep up even a pretend friendship, and I feel like that has to fuck your head up.

I find myself wondering how entrenched in Phoenix’s life Kristoph was. Would Kristoph know Miles or Maya? I feel like his relationships with them were sort of strained in that seven year gap, and I feel like Kristoph was a big part of that. Part of it was conscious sabotage on Kristoph’s part, and some of it was Phoenix not wanting to put his friends in danger, but I feel like Kristoph wittled away a lot of Phoenix’s support system.

Hmm, this post is getting too long and ramble-y, so I’m going to leave it there.

#ace attorney #spoilers #ace attorney spoilers #phoenix wright #kristoph gavin #klavier gavin

[harlowsbae]

Always

This is my first ever Draco Malfoy Reader so please don’t hate me. I haven’t written a single imagine in years.

Trigger Warnings: self-harm, depression

Draco watched as the shell of the woman next to him tried furiously to keep up with Professor Slughorn’s directions. When Y/N first came to Hogwarts she was lively and bubbly. She was kind to everyone she met, even Saint Potter much to Draco’s displeasure. But during fourth year when the news broke that she was a half-blood Y/N slowly began to disappear inside herself. The rest of the Slytherins began to look at her with disgust. A half-blood Slytherin was just preposterous. Draco knew he was also to blame. He had joined in on the taunting and laughed at the jokes.  All his life, Draco was immersed in the pure-blood philosophy of things. Anything less was just unacceptable, his father had reminded him of that every day up to his departure for Hogwarts five years ago. 

“Excuse me” came a soft voice from next to him. 

Draco looked over at YN, noticing her long curly brown hair and chocolate colored eyes that peeked up at him nervously through long lashes.

“What?” Draco sneered at the girl.

“I’m sorry, it’s just..Professor Slughorn has partnered us up for the Draught of Living Death” Y/N said.

Draco felt his face soften at her nervousness, but he quickly shook it away and scowled again.

“Go get the ingredients while I set up the cauldron.” he ordered.

Y/N got up quickly knocking her stool over in the process. Pansy looked over and laughed, muttering about how half-bloods were just as pathetic as mudbloods. Draco felt his heart tighten as Y/N’s cheeks turned red and she quickly shuffled to the shelves to get the ingredients. She returned a few minutes later with her arms full.

“Start cutting up the Valerian sprigs while I juice these beans” he told her. Y/N nodded and began doing what he said. Her curls falling over face to hide her once again red cheeks. Draco smirked, the effect he had on the girl not going unnoticed. He could feel Pansy’s glare on Y/N. Her obsession with Draco was unwavering no matter how many times he rejected her. She was a short fling that meant nothing to him, simply something to cure his boredom last year.

Y/N began measuring the ingredients and putting them into the cauldron slowly stirring as she went. Draco looked over just as Y/N began to add the Valerian sprigs noticing that she was adding too many.

“Y/L/N stop you’re-” but it was too late, Draco quickly backed away as the potion bubbled and exploded splashing Y/N with the hot liquid. Her robes instantly had holes in them and her hands were covered in burns from shielding her face.

“For fucks sake Y/L/N! Didn’t your muggle father teach you anything about following directions before he offed himself?” Pansy sneered at her, other Slytherins quickly joined in laughing and smiling.

Y/N tried hard to hold her head up and fight back the tears, but Draco saw one fall down her cheek as she rushed from the classroom, wishing he could wipe it away for her.

“Well class I think we had better finish there for today” Professor Slughorn interrupted, “Put a small bit of your potion in a vial to be graded.”

Y/N POV:

You skipped classes the rest of the day. Too embarrassed to face anyone after Potions. You knew your professors would lecture you tomorrow and give you extra work but you didn’t care. You stared down at the picture of your father, silent sobs wracking your body as you hid behind a statue in one of the corridors. No one hardly ever walked down it as the classrooms sat empty so it was the perfect place to hide. 

He had committed suicide during your fourth year. You had found out when  you had gone home for the holidays. He had left a note but your mother had never let you read it. Instead she made you pack all of your things to return to Hogwarts with you. You hadn’t seen her since as she had decided you were too much of a burden without your father. You spent your summer holidays with your grandmother from your father’s side, but you weren’t necessarily close to her either as she was a muggle and tended to be afraid of you.

You had been extremely close to your father growing up, you were a spitting image of him and your mother often joked that she did all the work and had nothing to show for it. Your parents didn’t have any more kids deciding that you were all they needed. When you got your letter to Hogwarts they were so proud. Although your father was a muggle he loved you all the same.

Another bout of sobs wracked through your body and the pain became too much to bear. You had no friends at school and no one to confide in. You bottled up your pain and took it out on yourself as a way to cope. You knew it was foolish , but you couldn’t stop. You blamed yourself for your father’s death and had decided this was your punishment even though you hadn’t even been there. You took your wand to your wrist, reciting the same spell that had become your only comfort.

Draco POV

Draco didn’t see her the rest of the day. He couldn’t help but be worried. He checked the hospital wing but Madame Pomfrey informed him that she never showed up. He kept an eye out between classes hoping to catch a glimpse of her curls but to his disappointment they never appeared. When Draco still didn’t see Y/N at dinner he decided he had to find her. 

Draco spent the next hour combing the castle starting at the Astronomy tower and making his way though each corridor. Draco was just about to give up when he turned down a corridor that he didn’t recognize. Draco could tell it hadn’t been used in years as the classrooms had more than an inch of dust in them. Still, he opened each one desperate to find her now. Draco was nearing the last classroom when he heard a small noise. He paused, holding his breath to hear it again. He heard a sniffle and moved towards it. He stopped in front of a statue, peering around it he breathed a sigh of relief as he finally saw her curls. 

He knelt down cautiously so as not to scare her, reaching a hand forward he lightly touched her shoulder. Y/N whipped around, her eyes bloodshot and red and her cheeks still had tear streaks down them. She wiped at them furiously, her face hardening at the sight of the platinum haired boy in front of her. 

“What do you want” she sneered, “come to make fun of me some more?”

Draco’s eyes widened at her sudden hostility.

“No actually, I wanted to check on you to see if you were alright,” he whispered.

“Please” she scoffed, “Don’t act like you care Malfoy, you’re no better than the rest of your little friends.”

Draco hung his head, he knew she was right. He had done nothing over the years to make her think otherwise. He looked at her again, his grey eyes glancing over her hands. They were still red and blistered and he suddenly remembered she didn’t go to the hospital wing after Potions.

He grabbed her wrists hearing her wince as his grip tightened when she struggled to get away.

“Why the hell did you not go to the hospital wing are you daft?!” He said loudly. 

His grip tightened even more and she struggled furiously to get away. He looked at her hands examining them. His eyes fell upon her sleeve noticing the cuff was red with blood. He looked at her, her eyes begging him not to do what he was going to do next. Draco slowly lifted her sleeve up, as his eyes took in the fresh cuts mixed with the old ones his heart sank. He felt guilty for each one of those lines knowing they were a result of the torment he and his friends had put her through.

He grabbed his wand from his pocket, still holding her wrist he quietly uttered healing spells watching the cuts become scars and the blisters disappear as her hands returned to their normal color.

“Thank you” Y/N muttered.

Draco sank beside her putting his arm around her shoulder. This time she didn’t flinch and leaned into him.

Y/N POV

You felt as though you were dreaming and were tempted to pinch yourself. It didn’t seem possible that Draco Malfoy, one of your bullies, had taken the time to find you and heal your injuries let alone to now holding you. You leaned into him even more breathing in the scent of his green apple shampoo and pine cologne. 

“I’m sorry” you heard him whisper. You looked up at him in shock, his eyes made contact with yours and you could see the sincerity in them. “I don’t know why I said the things I’ve said or treated you the way I’ve treated you. My father has always instilled in me the importance of blood purity. I’ve never known any different, but for some reason when I look at you, none of that matters” he explained.

You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. Did Draco Malfoy actually...like you?

“Why do you do this to yourself?” He asked, thumbing over the scars on your wrist.

You sighed, you didn’t want to sound like a freak. Draco tilted your head up, urging you to explain.

“When my father took his life, my mother never let me read the letter he wrote. She made me pack all of my things and I’ve been living with my muggle grandmother ever since. I haven’t seen my mother in almost two years.” You said, feeling your eyes tear up again. You felt Draco’s hand on your cheek as he gently brushed a tear that had fallen away. “The cuts..the pain, it’s my punishment. I couldn’t fathom why my father had wanted to leave me, so in the end I decided I must have did something, that him taking his life was my fault.” 

At this you couldn’t hold the tears back anymore, you began to sob even harder than you had earlier. You felt yourself becoming completely vulnerable in front of Draco and you hated it. For years you had put on a brave face taking every insult that came your way and still holding your head high.

Draco shifted and pulled you between his legs wrapping his arms around you completely. You buried your head into his chest as you continued to cry. He stroked your and planted soft kisses on your forehead. You both stayed like this for what felt like hours but was really only minutes.

When you were done crying you looked back up at Draco, he was already looking at you, his own grey eyes reflecting sadness as he stared at the broken girl in his arms. 

“I’m not going to let anyone hurt you anymore, Y/N”, he said. “I know I can’t take back how much I’ve hurt you, but from this day forward I promise to protect you.”

You smiled and leaned forward connecting your lips to his. You felt him tense up and then relax as he kissed you back harder tangling his fingers into your curls. 

You pulled away breathing heavy and so was he. Draco smiled at you planting another soft kiss onto your lips.

“Always?” you whispered.

“Always.” he said.

#draco x you #draco fanfiction #draco malfoy #draco x female reader #draco x reader #draco imagine #draco malfoy imagine #harrypotter #draco reader #draco malfoy x female reader #draco malfoy reader

[vermin-disciple]

For the random scenes - ask me to stay?

(Random Scenes Ask Meme)

This is one of the backstory scenes I wrote early on for the This Be The Verse universe (although it doesn't really need that context - it's basically an AU take on the final Garak/Bashir scene in the finale). It's one I've just never been that satisfied with. I did end up cannibalizing parts of it for one the Interludes in Tell Me You See Me (with a change in POV), and I may end up using other parts of it in something else (so it will probably end up thoroughly dismembered by the time I'm through). But here is the original version.

***

Julian remembered his last conversation with Palis, and the guilty little bubble of relief swelling in the back of his mind when he’d ended things. He’d always known that he couldn’t stay on Earth sitting behind an oversized desk anticipating the medical needs of visiting dignitaries and treating the occasional bout of indigestion. But there was more to it than that. There were the lies between them, the fact that he wasn’t the man she thought he was, and his certainty that she would never have loved him at all had she known the truth. He never even gave her the option of coming with him. The thought of her accompanying him to some starship or starbase, following him from posting to posting while he calculated just how many accomplishments he could get away with, was too utterly incongruous to contemplate. And she, well—she didn’t suggest it either, did she? Maybe a part of her was just as relieved as he was to end it.

He searched his psyche for that same sense of relief now, and found something else churning just beneath the surface of that bone-deep, hollow despair: anger. Because of course, of course, Garak wouldn’t even contemplate the idea of asking Julian to come with him. When it came right down to it, he hadn’t asked Palis to come with him because he didn’t want her there. On some subconscious level he had known that their feelings for each other were shallow, and the hurt of leaving her could never be more than skin-deep. The relief covered it over like a bandage, and he’d hardly thought of her in those first months on DS9. Until this moment, he hadn’t thought of her in years.

If he thought that Garak’s reasons were the same as his had been seven years ago, then maybe he could just go back to DS9 and let the cycle of sadness and loss run its course, piecing his heart back together so he could present it to someone else, maybe someone less maddening and broken and morally questionable.

But he knew Garak too well to dismiss his feelings as shallow. Garak feared sentiment because he felt it so deeply that it was beyond his ability to control.

It wasn’t even some misguided appreciation for the importance of Julian’s career. He didn’t think that much of Starfleet, or of Julian’s ambitions.

No, he was going to give Julian up without even trying to discuss their options, because in his mind this was some sort of symbolic final sacrifice to the great alter of Cardassia, just like in some depressing Cardassian epic. What kind of dutiful Cardassian hero were you, after all, if you hadn’t sent the love of your life away to prove your devotion to the State? Julian wanted nothing more than to grab him and shake him and shout at him, remind him that his whole goddamn life of self-sacrifice had not saved Cardassia, and force him to admit that rejecting every opportunity of personal happiness wasn’t going to help rebuild her.

Julian had always known that he would never outrank Cardassia in Garak’s heart, but if he could accept that, then frankly, Cardassia was going to have to learn to share.

“You’re going to need doctors.”

Garak froze. After a moment he turned around, examining Julian with narrowed eyes. “Undoubtedly.”

“You’re going to need more doctors than the Cardassian Union has left. You’re going to need to accept aid.”

“True. I’m sure the Federation will be happy to step in. Out of pure altruism and magnanimity, of course.”

“I’m not saying there isn’t any strategy to it. We’ve done very well for ourselves turning enemies into allies. Just look at what happened with the Klingons, after Praxis.”

This show of cynicism had the desired effect. Garak took a few steps closer to him. “You’re right of course, Doctor. In the decades to come, our civilizations may yet be friends. But this situation differs from the Klingons’ unhappy catastrophe in several respects. Cardassia isn’t the only world to suffer devastation. The Federation has also suffered in this war, and they will have to allocate their resources accordingly. They will have to temper their generosity. After all, Betazed is also in need of doctors.”

“Any Federation doctor can work on Betazed. Or Ricktor Prime or Tyra or any other Federation planet. But there’s a limited number of us who have any experience treating Cardassians.”

“Doctor,” said Garak, and there was a warning note in his tone, and a hesitation. “Julian—”

“For god’s sake, Elim! Do you want me to come to Cardassia with you or not?”

“Please think about what you’re doing,” said Garak, in a soft voice, the hint of warning replaced by something else, something that made Julian’s heart ache. “I don’t know if you can truly understand loss on this magnitude. I know that it hasn’t occurred to you that you might add to it, but let me assure you, that is exactly what you are proposing.” He held up a hand to stop Julian’s protest. “Listen to me, my dear Doctor. Back when I used to consider you entirely off-limits, I used to imagine what it would be like to bring you to Cardassia - to tour the museums of Lakarian City, or the Institute of Art, with my arm linked in yours. Take you to a little restaurant in Lakat that I think would make you reconsider your opinion on sem'hal stew. Listen to you scoff at all the monuments to colonial excess in the Imperial Plaza. It was a very idle fantasy, you understand. Or so I told myself, at the time. It was far too intoxicating an idea to take seriously. Being welcomed back to my home with open arms, all my sins forgiven, and you at my side - your body and mind at my disposal. Your love, if I was feeling especially maudlin. Not just for me, but for my world. I would have liked nothing better than for you to see her the way I did. And now…” he sighed. “And now, Doctor, tell me what it is you’re offering, exactly? You will volunteer your considerable skills to help my people. I certainly don’t doubt your intentions - compassion is second nature to you. I know that asking you to turn your back on them is pure selfishness on my part. But I don’t know if I can cope with it. How long would we have? A few months? A year? How long before Starfleet realizes that it has better uses for your talents? And where would that leave me? I know that in the midst of this destruction I will be haunted by memories of the past, visions of things as they used to be, faces of the dead. Don’t ask me to see your face there as well.”

Julian digested all this in silence. “And what if I stayed? Is that what you want?”

“What I want is not, and never has been relevant.”

“I think you actually believe that.”

“I’ve told you before, my dear, that I believe all my lies. But I know better than to believe yours. You are not going to resign from Starfleet, leave all your friends behind, and give up the protections of the Federation so that you can come live in the ruins of an enemy planet. With me. Not even you are that impetuous.”

“I’m not being impetuous,” he said. He paused, trying to form his reverberating, tumultuous thoughts into something that Garak would understand, and accept. “I’m smarter than you, you know. And that’s not arrogance, it’s just a fact. I’m smarter than most people. My parents made sure of that. But you’ve been spinning me around in circles since the day we met. You make me question everything I know and re-examine everything I believe. I can’t just wave my ideals and principles around like a flag, I have to argue for them - they have to hold up to scrutiny. I like the way you provoke me, even if sometimes you push too far. But when I get you to concede a point, I spend the rest of the day glowing. And sometimes, more than anything, I wish that you would let me comfort you, because I think you need it more than you’ll ever admit. You might be the most frustrating person I’ve ever met, and you drive me completely crazy. But I think I would rather be driven crazy by you than stay sane with anyone else. And frankly, you are being selfish - I can do more good here than I can anywhere else, and I think I’m going to, whatever you say. Avoid me, if you can’t bring yourself to trust me - it’s a big planet. I know you think that I don’t know what I’m getting myself into. You’re probably right. When I came to DS9 I was naive enough and insensitive enough to see Bajor’s woes as my grand adventure. But I’m not that person anymore - at least, I hope I’m not. I know this is going to be nothing short of hell. And—” Julian swallowed, and reached out a hand to cup Garak’s cheek. “And how can I say that I love you, and leave you to face that alone?”

Garak exhaled slowly, as if he’d been holding his breath. He leaned into Julian’s hand and covered it with his own. Then he chuckled, almost to himself. “This may surprise you, but I don’t have any idea what to say.”

“That must be very disconcerting for you,” said Julian. “Say that you want me to stay with you. Say that you want me to help you rebuild Cardassia. Say that you love me.”

Garak wrapped an arm around his waist and kissed him. “I want you, in every conceivable way. Stay with me, and help me rebuild my home. I love you more than I have ever allowed myself to love anyone.” His smile shifted into something more mischievous as he leaned in again and lowered his voice, speaking directly into Julian’s ear. “And I would very happily ask you to take me hard against that console, but I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to stay quiet enough to avoid detection.”

Julian laughed, a little helplessly, wondering at the humanoid capacity for inappropriate humor in the face of tragedy, to reach for love amidst unspeakable horrors, and to find hope when nothing else was left. For a moment, they clung to each other as if the world might fall apart when they let go. But it didn’t, and it wouldn’t, and there were still many things left to do before they could take another step.

#ask meme #my fanfic #this be the verse #vermin rites #garashir

[solemnlyswear81]

Overwhelmed

Warning: Angst, feelings of depression

Pairing: James x Lily 

Word Count: 1.3k

Summary: Lily’s feeling a little low. 

Lily’s head didn’t lift from the book it was rested on. Her eyes were glazed as she stared out at the rows and rows of books, not truly seeing anything. Marlene had given up trying to bring her back to the present, and instead was just sitting with her in the library, studying what she could. 

When she asked Lily what was wrong, the redhead simply replied “I just don’t have a lot left.”  

Marlene didn’t blame her. It felt like the world was coming down around them, and they were still expected to worry about their O.W.L.s. Lily took on a lot too. She took on, not only her own feelings, but the feelings of others. She took on being a Prefect and tutored and mentored other witches. She took on being the “mom friend” of the group, often helping Marlene and Alice with their troubles as well. She took on, not only the good things, but the bad things. Like being called a mudblood several times a day, and the grief of those muggles that were suffering. And Marlene noticed that all of it sometimes overwhelmed her. Lily was smart, confident, and ambitious, but there were days that she seemed to just...stop. She wouldn’t respond much, and just wanted to be left alone as much as possible. She would retreat with a muggle book for hours and show up to the Great Hall with just enough time to grab food and return to her oasis. 

Marlene was a little worried when the Marauders showed up. Their boisterous laughs reverberated around the library, and she saw Lily’s eyes close. 

Lily felt her heart drop to her stomach. It’s not that the boys showing up was unwelcomed, it was just that...she didn’t have the energy for it. She didn’t have the strength to banter. She barely felt like she had the strength to lift her head in that current moment. 

She knew James had plopped himself next to her. His peppermint and cedar scent wafted over her senses, and surprisingly, calmed her a bit. 

It didn’t last long. 

“What’s wrong, Evans? Has that old muggle book been keeping you up at night again?” James’ accent was strong in her ear. She never realized how thick his accent was. She’s not sure why she was noticing it now. 

Her green eyes flickered open, and she gave him a weak smile. She placed, what she hoped was a placating hand on his arm, and started to collect her things. 

“I think i’m going to go down to the lake, and get some fresh air.” Her knee bumped the table and jostled the ink and papers.

“Everything okay?” James’ eyebrows furrowed. 

She let out a little noncommittal hum and made her way out of the library. 

The sun was shining today, which Lily counted as a blessing. She tilted her face up to it, hoping a little brightness would sink into her soul. Lily knew to do the things that would make her feel better. She didn’t know why she got in these little bouts of sadness, but it usually occurred when there was high stress or she felt out of control. And lately, she felt out of control all the time. So she went for walks to the Black Lake to get fresh air, she would read a book to escape for a little while, and she would remember to eat the food she didn’t taste to fuel her body. She admits it makes her feel better for a time, and then something would put her right back into that night with no stars. Sometimes it was something absolutely minute, like putting too much ink on her paper that would leave a blot. Other times it was the slur she swore didn’t bother her anymore. She also didn’t know why these feelings disappeared. She would just wake up one day and feel fine again, alive again. Guessing when that day would arrive was useless. 

The breeze that made her hair tickle her nose, brought her out of her stupor. And the smell of peppermint. Her subconscious had taken her to the edge of the lake, sitting on the green grass, her legs crossed. Just like the library, she felt James at her side. This time he said nothing. 

She had barely spoken to him in the last few days. Their friendship had grown to something that meant more to her, and that required a lot of energy. A lot of thinking. 

She felt guilty. 

Guilty, that for no reason at all she had shut herself away from him. But she didn’t know how to voice what was going on without her feeling crazy. She didn’t know how to communicate everything that was boiling up inside of her. So she said nothing, and pushed him away. Just like she always did. 

“You know,” James cleared his throat, his quiet voice being carried with the breeze. “Sirius used to disappear when he would come back from summers with his family.” 

Lily stared at him. Her green eyes cleared a bit as she took in his features, how his eyes mirrored the lake. 

“Remus and I would be furious every time he came back. It was never more than one or two days, but it was frequent enough that people started noticing.” 

Lily remembered. She remembered how it would take Sirius a few weeks to become the Sirius they knew, after spending so much time with his family. It seemed to get better once he started staying with the Potters.  

“Finally, Remus got mad. Like really mad. Sirius finally just said he felt crazy, and it took him awhile not to feel crazy anymore, and he didn’t want to burden us with his crazy. Then Remus and I started telling him our crazy. How we felt and got low sometimes.” He huffed out a laugh, his hand disheveling his mussed curls. “It’s a little funny to say out loud. All of us sitting around, sharing our feelings. But it helped. And after a while, Sirius just stopped disappearing, because he knew he was safe to cope however he needed to.” 

Lily hadn’t realized the tears in her eyes had escaped, until James casually brushed them away. 

“There’s a lot going on, Lily. I don’t have to tell you that. I just hope you know, if you need to feel low with someone, you can always feel low with me.” 

Her tears turned into small sobs that shook her hands. 

“I’m sorry I pushed you away.” She whispered, but James was already shaking his head. 

“I don’t want to add to any of your stress, Lily.”

Now it was her time to shake her head. “It’s not that you’re stressful.” She sniffled. “It’s just that sometimes…” She looked out at the lake again. “Sometimes it’s chaos in here.” She gestured towards her head. “And I just feel like the best way to avoid getting other people caught up in it, is to simply try and deal with it on my own.” 

James’ warm hand wrapped around her trembling one. “I’d love your chaos, because it’s yours.” 

When she looked at him, red nosed and tear stained cheeks, she was certain this is what feeling safe felt like. She felt safe with Marlene and Alice. The only other people who knew she could sometimes feel this way. She now added James to that list. That small list, that saw her heart, her brain, and loved her anyway. 

She leaned in, planting a wet kiss to James’ cheek before smiling and squeezing his hand. She leaned her head on his shoulder, her hand still in his, and watched the birds and frogs make their way through the world. Her brain wasn’t completely done having its moment, but the tightness in her chest had eased and the sick feeling in her stomach was a little less severe. And she closed her eyes. Knowing things would never be perfect, but maybe they would be okay. The sun was setting, and she could see hope on the horizon.

#jily #james potter #lily evans #sirius black #marlene mckinnon #remus lupin #marauders era #nattriestowrite #in my feels #if you couldn't tell #Harry Potter

[hp-crossgenfest]

2020 HP Cross Gen Fest Masterlist & Reveals

And now the moment we've all been waiting for…​ reveals!

Thank you so very much to everyone who has made this fest such an amazing success! Everyone who submitted stories and art, and those who read, reviewed and recced: You guys are the best! And an extra big thank you to those of you who made that extra effort to comment on all the wonderful creations. <3 <3 <3

It's been so much fun getting to post everybody's works and seeing so much wonderful support for HP cross gen; I hope you all enjoyed the fest as much as we did! 

Without further ado, here's a list of all the wonderful participants who worked so hard to create such glorious things for this year's fest!

ART

MyWitch drew absolution [Aberforth/Severus | Mature] Snape is released after a couple of years in Azkaban; the terms of his parole include apologizing in person to Albus Dumbledore’s brother. His stoicism falls apart in the face of Aberforth’s forgiveness.

@paulamcg​ drew A Portrait with Someone New [Luna/Remus | Teen] Luna and Remus happily expecting (in 2004).

@gee-nx​ drew Extra Credit [Hermione/Teddy | Explicit] Teddy has trouble concentrating in Prof. Granger-Weasley's class. However will he manage to make up the extra credit?

@defenestrationisthekey​ drew A day in the sun [Harry/Severus | General] Severus has been turned into a merman without his consent. Harry still accepts them and helps them reconcile the change, see its benefits, and get some of their own back.

@paulamcg​ drew One Bright Day [Amelia/Tonks | General] Amelia and Tonks meeting under an umbrella and a rainbow.

@motherofmercury​ drew What Lily Knew [Draco/Lily Luna | General] Draco and Lily attend the same adult art class, but it isn't until he sees her finished piece that he understands what Lily knew all along.

FIC

@ac1d6urn​ wrote Talk to Me [Harry/Severus | Explicit] Sentenced to serve his time in Azkaban after the Battle of Hogwarts, Snape is startled out of his depression by the inevitable fights during Potter's frequent visits. What will he say to the man when he is free to walk out into the Wizarding World and speak his mind?

@malenkayacherepakha​ wrote Everything he's ever wanted [Harry/Teddy | Explicit] Teddy had hoped that a few years in Australia would be enough to cure him of his feelings for Harry, but when he returns home and gets some unexpected news, he can't stop the feelings rushing back. The only difference is, this time he might actually have a chance.

ThePeanutButterKid wrote The Apprenticeship [Draco/Lily Luna | Explicit] Prompt: Draco always gets what he wants. Even if he has to take it by force.

@gracerene09​ wrote Battleline [Draco/James Sirius | Explicit] The wizarding world believes James Sirius Potter works for his uncle as a Curse-Breaker, but the truth is that he's one of the Auror Department's most effective undercover agents. After months of waiting he's finally got a new case, but this assignment involves him going in as himself, without the disguises he's come to rely on. More importantly, he's meant to be taking down the one person long-suspected of being the most influential wizard in Britain's criminal underworld: Draco Malfoy.

@theslytherinheart​ wrote Truth from Dare [Harry/Scorpius | Teen] During a late night game of Truth or Dare after a fun Saturday out with Albus, Rose, and their friends, Scorpius finds himself being kissed by Harry Potter as a dare. But it's just a game, right?

Evandar wrote we who walk in shadows black [Harry/Lord Voldemort | Mature] In which Harry Potter is a vicious little gremlin who knows too much, and Lord Voldemort adores him for it.

Lilian wrote Advanced Lunacy [Harry/Severus | Mature] Luna accidentally discovers something, and now the whole Wizarding World is abuzz about it. Meanwhile, Snape keeps appearing in Harry's dreams frequently.

@siriuslythatbitch wrote There's No Such Thing as Getting Out of Hand [Narcissa/Pansy | Explicit] When Narcissa Malfoy finds herself confronted with a tempting treat all grown up, will she quash her appetite or sink her teeth in?

@lordofthegoods wrote The Most Expensive Date [Harry/Scorpius | Explicit] Harry just wanted a quiet evening at home, instead he is being auctioned off at a charity event like a piece of meat. Prepared to have a terrible night, Harry is incredibly relieved when the highest bidder turns out to be none other than Scorpius Malfoy—a nice boy who couldn’t possibly have an ulterior motive... right?

@likelightinglass wrote the gentleness that comes [Harry/Severus | Explicit] There's something bothering Severus, and Harry wants to help. It's easier for Severus to let go when he's exploring his submissive side, so Harry plans a weekend to show him just how loved he is, and how much Harry wants to care for him.

@ivyentwined wrote A Technicality [Hermione/Rabastan/Regulus | General] A ritual to cleanse Hermione's new house has unexpected consequences.

@sistersblack wrote a little bit of grit [Draco/Severus | Mature] Draco is a contract potioneer who specialises in medical research. Severus is... not dead, for one.

@freddie-fox-baxter wrote Vacanze Romane [Harry/Scorpius | Explicit] When he let Scorpius help plan his vacation, Harry had no idea just how involved he would be.

torino10154 wrote Her Pleasure [Draco/Lily Luna & Harry/Narcissa | Explicit] He likes to please his woman.

ivermectin wrote no wrong answers [Harry/Remus/Sirius | Explicit] It's almost five years since the war ended, and after an intense bout of aimless wandering and travel, Harry's come back home and is living at Grimmauld Place with Remus and Sirius. Their relationship fills him up with warmth - they deserve to be happy, and it's obvious that he wants what they have. But maybe, just maybe, Harry wants more than a relationship like the one Remus and Sirius have. Maybe he wants that relationship. Maybe he wants them.

@sportivetricks​ wrote Gouge Away [Millicent/Victoire | Teen] The Weasley girl has developed a keen fascination with Millicent's woodworking shop. Millicent can't seem to get rid of her, no matter how hard she tries.

@articcat621 wrote Late One Night [Hermione/Kingsley | Explicit] Late one night, Hermione finally makes her move. 

slowroad wrote Hyperion [Harry/Scorpius | General] Scorpius is a Veela and Harry is his mate.

Evandar wrote Summer Rain [Harry/Regulus | Explicit] A rainy day gives Harry the perfect opportunity to seduce Regulus.

pauraque wrote Summer Heat [Lily Luna/Luna | Explicit] A unexpected visit from Lily's godmother makes a boring summer weekend suddenly a lot less boring.

@liladiurne wrote On the Deficiencies of Translation Spells [Harry/Severus | Explicit] Divorced, single, and free, Harry lives a completely unapologetic life in Paris. Between casual hook-ups and an easy, comfortable job, he likes to think he is as close to happiness as he'll ever be. And when he gets offered a teaching job at the prestigious Académie Beauxbâtons, he thinks he may have found exactly what was missing. But Harry is thoroughly unprepared for what he finds there - a familiar face that's been haunting his dreams for six years.

@goldenzingy46 wrote Save Me From Her Stone-Cold Gaze [Harry/Tom Riddle | General] Tom Riddle has spent years looking for the Chamber of Secrets, and he's glad he can finally purge the school of Mudbloods. At least, that was the plan. It turns out the basilisk wasn't happy to be controlled, and Tom is forced to make a deal with the Master of Death (and maybe fall in love with him).

@epsilonargus wrote break on me like light [Charlie/Sirius | Mature] When the Order brings Sirius Black to Charlie, the man is still covered in the grime of Azkaban. A story wherein Sirius is still a little broken, calls Charlie kid, and Charlie is far too sweet.

@lordofthegoods wrote Fire for You [Harry/Scorpius | Explicit] Nothing can make them keep their hands off each other.

@evenmyzefronposter wrote Waving Through A Window, Suddenly [Harry/Severus | Explicit] Severus Snape was alive and free and perfectly satisfied with his life. He stayed away from other people and he did what he wanted. And if he felt like he was looking through a window at everyone else, that was alright, because he didn't need them anyway. Until Harry Potter moved in across the street, that is. Suddenly, just looking through the window wasn't enough for Severus anymore.

azyxy wrote Trying not to think [Hermione/Teddy | Explicit] She couldn't even remember the last time her and Ron had left the lights on during sex, let alone the last time he’d complimented her, so watching Teddy struggle to keep his hands to his side while she stepped out of her dress was quite the ego boost.

mindabbles wrote Puddlemere’s New Man [Oliver/Teddy | Explicit] Teddy is willing to put in the work. He’s willing to practice twice as hard as anyone else, except that no one can out-work Oliver — a fact that Teddy finds he doesn’t mind in the least.

@clemandben wrote Maybe I'm Amazed [Albus Severus/Draco | Explicit] Albus Potter never set out to fall in love with Draco Malfoy. A small story telling how Albus and Draco came to be married. On their wedding night they dance, talk and make love.

@dwell-on-dreams wrote Learning to Fly [Harry/Severus | Mature] Post-war, Severus is found not guilty, but due to the stigma in the Wizarding world, he decides to live life as a Muggle, leaving everything (but his wand) behind. Harry is overwhelmed, barely having any time to grieve, he keeps being recognised in the street and strangers ask too much of him. He finds solace in the Muggle world, finally exploring who he is without the threat of death, he finds himself in a Muggle kink club watching Severus Snape tying up a young man, and he wants.

@theslytherinheart wrote Best Man [Harry/Scorpius | Mature] In the years since his divorce from Ginny, Harry Potter hasn't cared much for dating, let alone had feelings for anyone strong enough to pursue. Now that his son's wedding is on the horizon, the Best Man, Scorpius Malfoy, has been spending extra time getting input from the Father of the Groom. And Harry finds he doesn't mind Scorpius' constant company one bit.

hannelore wrote The Ache For Love Was Palpable [Lily/Minerva | Mature] Lily once had a crush no one ever knew about. She thought it was just a schoolgirl pash on a favorite professor, but working for the Order throws her and McGonagall constantly together. Even though she's a married woman now, Lily's feelings for Minerva come back in a rush, even stronger than before. "I didn't know then what I wanted, but the ache for it was palpable." - Sue Monk Kidd, The Mermaid Chair

@emansil wrote Fields of Strawberries [Harry/Remus | Explicit] As much as Remus has done for Harry over the years, this is the least he could do. Little did Harry know what he would discover about himself when he volunteered to marry Remus so he could keep custody of his infant son Teddy.

@avioleta wrote Writing Harry [Harry/Severus | Explicit] After the war, Harry Potter begins writing letters to Severus.

#scarry #snarry #tomarry #harrymort #drames #dralbus #hp crossgenfest #hp cross gen #cross gen #hpcrossgenfest #harry potter cross gen #mod post #2020 fest #reveals #masterlist

[if-found-return-to-gusu]

Homework Time

Okay okay. I’m supposed to make a list. 

The negative thoughts. Negative thoughts.

It’s my homework. I know  I could do this privately but whatever. In for a penny, right?

And after reading Lan Zhan’s update…… Well I’ve got lots of negative thoughts.

Lan Zhan, this does not mean stop posting or that you should sugar-coat what happened. This is gonna suck for both of us but it’s what we need. 

And after the pain I caused you it’s the least I deserve.

Okay. Anyway...

So I’m supposed to write out my negative thoughts  and what triggers them. Like the ones that happen a lot. I’ve been adding to this list through the week but since my next session is today I may as well post it as ‘done’ now, huh?

This… uh… this is gonna be a bit depressing I guess. So ignore this if you want. It’s apparently supposed to help me process. 

I Am Not Good Enough:

I can’t measure up.

I don’t deserve this.

He is out of my league.

He deserves better.

Triggered By: This tends to be triggered when Lan Zhan does something particularly kind for me. Like things that I can’t reciprocate. When I just have to receive without having to pay it back. I feel like I should be paying it back. 

Frequency/Intensity: This comes up occasionally and tends to pass quickly - Overshadowed by more positive feelings of love, happiness, and gratitude. Can creep up later again when it’s quiet at night.

Im Useless: 

I’m not good for anything.

I’m no help to anything

Nothing I ‘own’ is mine

I provide nothing

I only take

Triggered by: When Lan Zhan spends money on me or gives me gifts, and when I try to do something nice for Lan Zhan involving money I realize that all of my money is from him. Even what I earned from the cafe is from him. I’m spending his money on him. I don’t have any talents to provide for him instead so it’s all I can do.  Everything I own no matter what it is now is from him. 

Frequency/Intensity: Generally a couple times a week. It’s not overwhelming but it makes me feel guilty the entire time we go out somewhere. It makes me feel like I’m nothing but a burden. Or like I’m some sort of weird pet. 

My Fault:

I cause pain to others. 

I will mess this up.

I deserve my pain

I break everything I touch. 

I am nothing but trouble.

Triggered By: Literally any time I do anything that mildly inconveniences anyone. If I cause problems for others I feel it in my soul.

Frequency/Intensity - Constant. Was getting better but has increased 100 fold since the RE incident. I now have nightmares of hurting Lan Zhan. I haven’t told him - Sorry Lan Zhan. I didn’t want to wake you up because it feeds into the ‘my fault’ problems. Intensity varies from mild to debilitating. 

This Can’t Last: 

This is too good to be true. 

I’m too happy - Will end soon. 

They’re tolerating me

He will regret this.

He will resent me.

I’m bound to fail. 

Triggered by: Random. It accompanies great bouts of happiness. I will be in a wonderful mood and suddenly get the ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ emotions. - fueled by past experience

Frequency/Intensity: Less frequent now but very intense. Sours positive emotions by turning them to dread and negative anticipation of when the happiness will leave forever. The happier and more positive the original emotion, the more intense the switch. 

I’m Not Worth It:

No one should care about me. 

I don’t deserve this happiness.

I am nothing. 

I am pathetic.

I’m worthless.

I need to try harder to make up for them having to tolerate me.

Triggered: Constant. This feeling is underneath everything I do at every moment. I feel the need to prove myself or to be worthy of other’s time which causes me to overcompensate. In my youth it made me a show off. Now it makes me overwork myself to the point of exhaustion. Generally so low that it’s more or less subconscious but I know it’s there if I think about it. 

Frequency/Intensity: - see above-

Appearance:

My scars are disgusting. 

He’ll be disgusted 

Don’t let him see

Don’t let him touch them

Disgusting.

Triggered: Whenever I see his eyes move to my neck or shoulder. I know he sees them. I feel like I’m not attractive anymore. And he touches them. Don’t force yourself. I know they’re hideous. I don’t want to tell you because I don’t want to make you feel bad. But you don’t have to force yourself to touch them. Or look. The one on my back was already bad enough but these…

Frequency/Intensity: It’s… not every time we get undressed but it is most of the time. Normally I can get past it once things get more.. Heated. But when I see them myself by looking to my shoulder or in the mirror… that’s when the smoke comes back. Looking at my hair and my scars. This one is new and harder for me to deal with because I’m not used to this kind of insecurity. I used to be attractive and I can still pull it off but… I wondered for a long time if Lan Zhan noticed all my new shirts had higher necks. Well I guess he’ll notice now because you’re reading this, aren’t you? I’m sorry I can’t talk about these in person. I’m working on it. I’m sorry. 

Okay that’s…. That’s enough….

I realize a lot of these are rather…. Related. I broke them into sub-categories based on more of how that particular thought makes me feel, but I know a lot of them kinda…. Overlap. 

There are… more. I know there are. But my defense mechanism is to not think about them. Lock them behind those doors I used to talk about. So….

Well this is what I can do for now. 

…………..

I don’t like this….. I’m…. 

Ugh…. Okay be a big boy Wei Ying. Go ask Lan Zhan for cuddles. He likes your cuddles. He likes you. Go cuddle your husband. It’s not an inconvenience. 

Okay. I’m gonna ask Lan Zhan for cuddles now instead of sitting by myself pretending I don’t feel like shit right now. :D See? I’m learning. 

@i-am-gusu - Cuddles plz. owo

#(Modern AU!) #Long Post

[katzirra]

Waiting for the place to give me my file list from my hand drive recovery. Made an omelet with asparagus and bacon, and gave the boys a tiny bit for being good this morning and letting me sleep in past 8:06...

Hannibal woke me up with very loudly aggressively loving face rubs which is new, and has been demanding attention all morning by soft paw grabbing and holding my hand while cooking, also new. Usually he's very independent and wants nothing to do with us.

Still concerned with his audible breathing when he's SLIGHTLY distressed, for a cat with obvious anxiety, and when he's picked up or sitting/laying weird. It's very noticeable, and I'm wondering if it has to do with his nasal bridge being a tad flat.

Trying to manifest a good mood. I'm having a big existential crisis about being alive.

Which, I'll just throw that under a cut and pair it with an apology. 🤙✨

I feel like I have no purpose or meaning. Having a lot of those "why bother/what's the point" moments about a lot of things which...the depth of those feelings isn't just apathetic like most people experience? For me it's very much a red flag, so that's been fun. Usually it's doing something as simple as doing something nice for myself, thinking why bother, and having to ARGUE with myself why it matters. Like...having to validate EVERYTHING I do these days is exhausting. Honestly, it's been a low simmer scary JUST KEEP SWIMMING the last few months. But everything I feel is too much to talk to anyone about, and it doesn't HELP me to. It's me. It's my brain. It's scary and I don't like looking the beast directly in the face when people want me to open up. My demon, my problem, trust me when I say I'm trying and that I'm sincere when I say sorry I'm not all here or present.

I'm, like torn between wanting to message my friend first to talk about shit, but I'm also refusing because I was hurt and the comment about shit being too much to read just resonates in my brain yelling "you're not worth their time and effort, you dumb bitch!" because my brain has a FIELD day with that shit. Its.... Kicking a dead horse, repeating myself anyway probably. It hasn't seemed to stick after the last year of me apologizing monthly because I'm just a shit friend who is too busy working and trying to not kill myself. Suicide ideation is a thing, and it SUCKS when it's as invasive as it is for intruding thoughts. But I'll keep apologizing because I feel guilty for not being good enough. Present enough. Engaging enough. Because maybe that time it'll stick??

They'll probably be better off without me making them feel bad because I don't put in enough effort I guess? Which also just hurts because I know online I'm standoffish these days, so I put the extra effort into being a good host I thought and I hoped that mattered. I just feel like no matter what I'm doomed to disappoint them? So I don't mean they'd be better off in a dismissive way, it's a legit...way I think. Like I'm obviously causing distress, and yelling at me won't fix it because it makes me recoil emotionally. So maybe I'm just a bad friend in reality and it is what it is. I'm sorry so many people have fucked me up about inter personal relationships?? I don't know what to do this time because that stupid fight cut me very deep in core values in myself.

It...Fucked me up. And whether that's important to them or not, or whether it has an repercussive weight, whatever. We've both been hurt by people, and been there as much as we'd let eachother. I've tried to be crazy supportive in the last bout of shit they went through. Because I love a bitch, and they matter immensely to me, and I know I suffered alone through a LOT of things like that and know it sucks. I offered my home, attention and time any time I could give it.. Being told i don't give as much as them set weird on my heart in light of that. It hurt.

Idk...And maybe I'm just some dramatic bitch or whatever I guess. Doesn't matter. I matter, my feelings matter. I'm mentally ill and I fucking bust my ass to deal with it, AND be a loving and supportive fixture in people's lives. I suck, sure. But I'm ALWAYS there for people.

I mention I'm depressed or angry at life, sure, but the layers of distress aren't...on display? It's my shit to deal with, if I bring it up, it's for benefit of people knowing why I'm withdrawn usually. I don't talk about myself much anymore because everything is too much and I just start venting. And people don't care that deeply about how fucked up my head is. Or I over share too much. Or yeah, it's a lot to read and I start babbling because the cork is off and I HURT inside just being alive anymore. I don't feel like I'm living my life for me these days. I don't feel alive. I feel stagnant. I'm biding time for SOMETHING to happen??

Yet I'm constantly apologizing to people for not being able to do basic shit, that I'm upfront about being difficult for some dumb reason. I'm always having to explain myself to people. I am in this bubble so often of feeling like I was made wrong, a mistake, missing something important.

Or that I'm a bad person. I'm too open, too closed, withdrawn, outgoing - I can never seem to get the ratio right. And its the kind of discussion I feel leans into self pity and attention grabbing but it's...something I internally struggle with every week and keep to myself.

Oh Kat, get a psychiatrist - I dont know that it would help, honestly. I know 90% of my thoughts and fears are irrational, and pointless. But I know they have valid backing in trauma that I have mostly dealt with, and am unlearning. But I also know I see through people, can identify those markers, and understand outcomes way too easy and that ALSO makes people mad. So. What the fuck is a shrink gonna do for me? My depression is a background white noise to this stuff, and it's honestly just bullshit I deal with. I'm not keen on medication, I'm sure it would help quiet my brain, but I've been dealing with this shit almost 20 years now, ita just the added drama and bullshit from people that exacerbates the emotional brain rash, for lack of a better phrasing. My issues are all behavioral and some depression and anxiety in the mix that I manage.

For all I'm told people understand ahit wrong with me, it sure is something I repeatedly get bitched at over, honestly. And I partially get it, I also find it frustrating. But I've been battling depression since I was 12/13 and learning to stop thinking certain things only since 21, and that's the harder part. I'm not the person people think I am, I wish I was anymore. That bitch died in 2011/2012. That fissure in my foundation fucked me UP. The shaking I had one or two years ago, didn't help.

To be transparently honest the whole shitstorm two weeks ago really hit some raw nerves I'm trying to deal with, and not doing well. Because the more times that nerve is hit the more I don't feel like a valuable person and that I'm wasting people's time. But the reason I'm yelled at is that I am a valuable person, and they want more of my time in a way?? I don't know what people want from me.

Waves hand dismissively - they're being sweethearts by the back door for now.

I'm in a weird place emotionally and mentally. I don't feel alive. I don't feel real. I don't feel valid or... I don't know. Nothing I say or so actually matters in my own life or experiences. I can be an amazing person with communication and intention but it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't care, it's like arguing online.

You can have a valid discussion and someone can just say "you're a fucking moron, I'm not listening to this" and you can't do anything.

I just wasted two hours organizing my thoughts qnd emotions into a post that I'll delete in a week. What a great use of my time. I'm juat exhausted.

I turn 31 tomorrow and is rather be dead lmao. I'm so tired of the weight of being alive and aware of the world and people around me. About being considerate and kind to everyone and it's never god damn enough. I bleed myself dry emotionally for everyone and run my mental battery into the ground qnd it's never enough. It's never going to BE enough. I don't want mental.break downs and emotional roller-coasters. I want friends that understand I'm scatterbrained and severely damaged and abused and I'm TRYING. I'm sorry it's never good enough.

I'm so fucking tired these days. I just want to disappear. I want to have an actual breakdown and cry

I haven't actually cried in years. I.... Mm. I feel like.im a shell. I'm so tired. I'm trying AO hard to be a good person and functional and I'm just constantly having more dished and I'm just...what is my purpose qnd point these days. I can't even make people happy.

Tomorrow I'll turn 31. It'll be like any other day. 👍✨

#kat life #ignore me

[the-rawr-ster]

Words for Proheroes, UA staff, and All For One

Warning: lots of cursing, minor spoilers, mentions of abuse, harsh words, and lots of yelling, and also mentions of suicide, depression, ptsd, ect.

Any of the characters I mention, I say I hate but I don’t and understand they’re human so they make mistakes. I also know they already know that I’m right and probably feel super shitty. I still want to put my two sense in.

So I made a post and some comments on tik tok about hero society in MHA. I didn’t get everything I wanted to say so here’s just a ranting dump about several characters and groups.

The only heroes actually can respect are Miruko Hawks. Let me explain why. Hawks literally called out the heros on their BS speeches. Which I really admire. He’s blunt, which is an extremely respectable trait to me in most cases. And he’s very passionate about the work he does. He cares about people but unfortunately because of how he was brought up (manga spoilers here stop before you spoil it for yourselves). Just like many of 1-A, but also very different, he was quite literally raised to be a tool used by the military for their bullshit. And I think this might have changed based on who saved him. As many of you might know, Hawks grew up in an extremely toxic environment, I won’t get into the nitty gritty deets. The one that got him out of that was Endeavor, his favorite hero. He was his favorite hero growing up. But that only goes so far. Hawks respect for Endeavor (like many of his fans) was because he wasn’t fake, he didn’t pretend to like people, he didn’t pretend to smile. Endeavor was very different from many of the other heroes (horrible father and husband though (an okay hero though, which I think is part of why Stain hadn’t killed Endeavor even though he had plenty of opportunities)). Now we haven’t seen much of Miruko as far as I know, but just from her couple of minutes on screen in the anime, we can already guess that she respected Hawks. She likes how Hawks rolls. He’s confident, laid back, and he’s not a bullshitter. And just for that I can respect her. I also think Bakugō should be the number one hero but that’s a story for another time. I also have respect for Sir Night Eye and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you why because you can figure it out.

Now let’s get down to why I fucking hate hero society. Let’s just start off with the fact that it’s almost identical to how it would be if superpowers existed. There would be quirk discrimination, there would be people that abused their powers, ect. Ect. But most of all, heros get away with anything (much like cops irl). They use violence to stop violence, which goes completely against what heroes say. And we see this with All might a lot. Heros with flashy powers get noticed more than others. YOU SENT CHILDREN TO WAR!!!! THAT IS IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM OKAY!!! THOSE CHILDREN ARE FOREVER GOING TO BE TRAUMATIZED BY THAT SHIT! And I understand that at some point they’d have experienced something, but when they chose to be heroes it was a time of piece, but then for whatever reason everything went south. Regardless, these kids brains are still developing, idk how but this will definitely change the way their brain develops. Honestly I’d be surprised if none of them ended up commiting. I don’t want them to but in their mental state they’d at least be thinking about it. I actually wrote a fic about a pro-hero commiting. I could write an essay on why heroes suck balls, but that’ll be done another time).

As much as I’d like to talk about each individual hero, I really want to talk about UA students and Staff, and why the staff sucks potato juice.

Let’s start with the obvious one, Nezu. HOW DO DOZENS OF VILLAINS INFILTRATE ONE OF THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS SCHOOLS? THAT DOESNT MAKE SENSE, obviously your security system fucking sucks. NOT ONLY THAT BUT YOU ONLY HIRED ALL MIGHT BECAUSE OF HIS STATUS AS A HERO!!!! HES A HORRIBLE TEACHER!!!! AND NOT ONLY THAT BUT YOU ALLOWED ALL OF YOUR STUDENTS TO BE PUT ON BLAST FOR MILLIONS TO SEE, talkin bout some “We HaVe SoMe Of ThE bEsT heRoeS.” THATS bullshit because y’all lost an entire child to a lizard, a magician that puts people in marbles, and a musty old man with blue flames. If y’all produce the best heroes, y’all wouldn’t have lost Bakugō in the first place. AND WHY DO YOU LET MIDNIGHT WALK AROUND WITH SEX TOYS????! And you put all of your students in one place for all the LoV to have access to them. Yes there’s security, BUT SERIOUSLY? WILL YOU EVER LEARN?????

Next, is Present Mike, I love you man but HOW DID YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE TELLING EVERYBODY AND THEY MAMA THE NAMES AND QUIRKS OF THE STUDENTS???!!!! Like Nezu may have enabled it but you could have chosen to not do it.

Aizawa, OH SIR DO I HAVE WORDS FOR YOU. I’m sure you might already know this, but you should know I know. You’re one of the worst teachers, coming to a close second to last place on my list of horrible UA staff. First of all, you hardly taught your students proper combat training. That’s one of the most basic skills every hero needs. You’re slacking dawg (sorry for the disrespect Hound dog). Secondly, HOW DO YOU CONSISTENTLY LOSE YOUR STUDENTS? HOW DO THEY ALWAYS END UP OUT OF YOUR SIGHT? Like you’re really good at hero’s stuff but you’re slacking as a teacher. And why? Why haven’t you punished Mineta yet? It’s literally as clear as a sunny day that he’s a pervert. He is consistently making inappropriate comments and sexually harassed/assaulted several of your other students, and this is outside the LoV attacks, while you were on duty. Oh and let’s not forget about you emotionally manipulating your students!!! YOUR STUDENTS!!!!!! Needless to say I have a hate love relationship because I know he cares for his students and is not prone to favoring, unlike some *cough cough* all might.

MIDNIGHT, I respect your drip and your feminism. I just hate how you were written. YOU LITERALLY WALK AROUND WITH SEX TOYS!!! What do you even do? Like what’s your job at UA? I see you so often but like, what is your purpose? I love you though, and I wish you’d step on me.

ALL MIGHT, OMG I HATE YOU ALMOST AS MUCH AS I HATE ENDEAVOR!! FAVORITISM FAVORITISM FAVORITISM!!!! OMG IT IS SO PREVELANT IN YOUR “teaching.” You treat Deku so differently from the way you treat Bakugō. And I understand that they’re different so they have to be taught differently, by HOLY HELL! You borderline cheered for Deku when he fought with Bakugō. AND YOURE A SHITTY HERO FOR THE WAY YOU TALKED TO DEKU WHEN YOU FIRST MET HIM!! What if he didn’t grab onto you? What if he did what Bakugō said and jumped? You’d be responsible for that in a sense, because you made him feel worse than he already did. I respect you for being upfront with him, and that’s not what the issue here is. Deku was clearly emotionally unstable!!! You didn’t even teach him how to use his quirk, HES BARELY EVEN 16, how does that make sense to you? Anyways moving on to my biggest pet peeve with you, YOU PUT MY BOY IN CHAINS AND A MUZZLE KNOWING DAMN WELL THAT HE WAS FUCKING TRAUMATIZE, WAY TO GOT MR.NO.1 HERO!!! WAY TO FUCKING GO!!! AND THEN EVERYONE JUST SAT THERE AND WATCHED!!!! YOU COULD HAVE HANDLED THE SITUATION BETTER!!!!! HE WAS CLEARLY NOT OKAY WITH IT!!!! DO BETTER! YOU HUMILIATED HIM IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF VIEWERS!!! THE LoV treated him better and they didn’t even know about his trauma!!!! I have so much to say about all might, and some of them are positive too but I’ll probably do a post on that next Wednesday, but for now we’ll be critiquing. HOW DID YOU EVEN BECOME A TEACHER? I feel like there should be more qualifications than being a good hero. BUT ANYWAYS, YAK my whole deal with this man.

Those are all the UA staff I really have beef with, but I also love their characters and how they were written. Now onto my beef with some of these parents.

Mistuki: You’re really the only parent I hate. I understand Bakugō tried to hit you, but where the fuck do you think he got it from? He didn’t become violent and aggressive out of the blue. He got that shit from you. And will you please get your son some hearing aides, my ears bleed every time I have to listen to him scream. And you should’ve been more reluctant to let Bakugō stay in the dorms. And your yelling is not helping Bakugō. Ask yourself why he hates being around you? I understand that you care about him, but punishing your child by hitting them is not okay, period, wether it’s just a slap or not.

I ko: I LOVE YOU TO PIECES! I can’t hate you. I have so much respect for you, but you shouldn’t have let Deku stay in the dorms. I know you wanted him to be able to experience his dreams, and that you felt so guilty about him growing up without a quirk, but Inko, it’s not worth losing your baby over. You were right to be upset with All Might, PERIOD.

ALL FOR ONE!! I HATE YOU WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING!!!! YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF SHIGIRAKI IN A VULNERABLY STATE AND GROOMED HIM TO BE A VILLAIN!!! AND YOU KILLED HIS GRANDMA!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!! HE WAS A CHILD!!! HE WAS GRIEVING!!!! HE WAS UNSTABLE AND YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THAT!!! YOU DISGUST ME!!!!

And a big Fuck you to hero society for turning children into soldiers. A big fuck you for letting these children experience traum on that scale! A big fuck you for not saving Shigiraki! A big fuck you for being so full of shit!!!! A big fuck you for making people feel less than for being without a quirk! A big fuck your for being an overall piece of shit society!!

If you’ve made it this far, I apologize for yelling and cursing. Thank you for reading.

#shitpst #rant #mha rant #bnha rant #mha #bnha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #bnha all might #mha all might #all might #mha toshinori #my hero academia toshinori #bnha toshinori #principal nezu #mha nezu #bnha nezu #mha aizawa #aizawa sensei #aizawa shouta #shouta aizawa #eraserhead #mha eraserhead #bnha aizawa #ua staff #hawks bnha #hawks boku no hero academia #hawksbnha #mha hawks #wednesday ranting dump

[harryhooksgazebos267]

Looking at me~ Jungkook x Reader

Pairing: Jungkook x idol!reader

Genre: Angst, comedy (not a lot)

Warnings: Probably cursing

Requested: Yes, based off of the song by Sabrina Carpenter titled Lookin at me

A/n: Anon, I’m so sorry 😖 This is absolute trash but I tried my best 🥺👉👈 I hope you like it…

MASTERLIST

It had been about a five months since you last talked to Jungkook and honestly, you had taken the break up pretty bad. Sure, he had been an asshole but that didn’t mean you didn’t love him. It had caused you to fall into severe depression and you couldn’t even leave your dorm for days. When the news of your break up came out, the media had a field day. The responses were pretty spilt on who they supported. Contrary to what Jungkook said, your group was actually pretty popular (you were apart of Red Velvet?? Like seriously dude, you didn’t even need him for popularity) so you had a lot of fans supporting you. But, of course with love there is always hate. At one point, the hate mixed with being hurt over Jungkook got so bad, that it caused your company to postpone your solo debut. The only reason you got out of your slump was because of you members, specifically Irene.

“Y/n you have to get out of bed! Why don’t we go get something to eat?” She suggested while jumping on your bed and laying next to you.

“No,” you mumbled as you snuggled even deeper into your blanket.

“You can’t sit and mope around all day you know.”

“Isn’t that’s exactly what I’ve been doing? So if you don’t mind, I shall continue on with my mopping,” you sass back as you turn and face the other way.

“Y/n,” she sighed out as she sat on her knees and placed her hand on your shoulder.

“What do I always tell you about men?” She questioned while shaking you a little.

“ᴹᵉⁿ ᵃᶦⁿ’ᵗ ˢʰᶦᵗ”

“I’m sorry I can’t hear you? What did you say?”

“Mᴇɴ ᴀɪɴ’ᴛ sʜɪᴛ,” you muttered out a little louder, a small smile forming on your face.

“Oh come on, say it a little louder!”

“MEN AIN’T SHIT” You screamed causing the two of you to laugh.

“Ahhh come on, is that all you got?”

“MEN AIN’T SHIT! MEN AIN’T SHIT! MEN AIN’T SHIT!”

The two of you began to chant at the top of your lungs. Yeri and Joy suddenly came into the room, falling in sync with Irene and you. A few moments later, Seulgi and Wendy, who were just out shopping, came into the room looking really confused causing you all to stop. You all kind of just looked at each other and then in unison started the chant once more. That was the first time you had smiled or laughed in a loooong time. After that, you decided to change your entire solo song and performance. At first you had planned on doing a cute little love song but you felt as though that wouldn’t be the best thing to do. No, instead you decided to write a song that would basically be a big “fuck you!” to Jungkook.

Thus, bringing us to modern day! So, you had decided not to drop the MV for your song until after you performed it at the MAMA awards! With Jungkook and BTS all there to hear it! Cute right?

You were currently backstage getting yourself hyped for you performance. To say you were nervous would be an understatement. First of all, you were the first one in Red Velvet to have a solo debut and this would be the first time in months you had performed or been in the public eye. Second, there was the entire thing with Jungkook so…

“Y/n?”

Ah speak of the devil!

Turning around, you were met with the boys wide eyes as he smiled at you awkwardly.

“Jungkook,” you replied back with no emotion.

“You look so beautiful,” he commented as he eyed you up and down.

“I know, thanks.”

“Ummm how have you been?” He nervously asked as he bit the inside of his cheek.

“I’ve been great, how about you?” You questioned with a wide smile, he didn’t need to know how much he had hurt you.

“Do you want my honest answer or a lie?”

You thought about it for a second but decided one the latter.

“Honest I guess.”

“Honestly, I’ve felt like shit. I’ve felt so lost without you. Baby, I’m sorry for everything I said. I don’t even know what I was thinking, you know I didn’t mean any of it.”

“Clearly you met what you said, why else would you have said it,” you scoffed.

“I….okay I did mean it but it came out really wrong and I shouldn’t have said it to your face. I’m sorry y/n.”

“You shouldn’t have said it to my face?” You laughed out bitterly as you bit your lip and shook your head.

“Well, I’m glad you’re sorry because you should be but I don’t know what you thought was gonna happen by telling me all this. If you did it to make yourself feel less guilty or whatever, I hope it worked. Did it make me feel any better? No but you never were the best at making me feel good. Now I have to go and-“

“Wait y/n please! Just give me a second chance, I’m sorry. I know what I said was wrong and I’m…I’m just so sorry! I don’t understand what else you want me to do or say!”

“See that’s the problem! You think that just saying a simple sorry is going to fix everything and it’s not! Giving me a sorry exscuse for an apology doesn’t solve anything! Until you realize how much you fucked up, I don’t want to hear it. You lost me Jungkook and there is nothing you can do about it.”

“Y/n? Is everything okay?” You heard Wendy’s voice call out to you as she approached Jungkook and you with a confused look on her face. You gave Wendy a tight smile as you took a few steps away from Jungkook.

“Of course! I’m sure it’s almost time for me to perform so we should go right?”

“Y/n,” Jungkook called out in one last attempt to get you to forgive him.

“I have to go now or else I’m going to be late. You already fucked up one thing, don’t make me miss one of the biggest performances of my life and fuck up another,” you told him coldly.

Wendy gave Jungkook one more glance before putting her hand on your shoulder and lightly pushing you down the hall.

“You okay?” She asked once you were out of ear range of him, taking your hand in hers.

“Yep, I’m just ready to get out there and perform,” you told her with a determined look on your face.

One of the stage managers came up to the two of you and informed you that you had 5 minutes before you were going to go on.

“I think that’s my cue to leave. You’re going to kill it out there! You have worked so long and so hard for this and I can’t express how proud I am of you. Now go out there and show Jungkook and the rest of the world how badass you are” She hyped you up as she pulled you into a hug.

“Thank you Wendy, I love you.”

“I love you too! Break a leg!” And with that she was gone.

Your heart began to beat loudly in your chest as you waited in the wings. You paced back and forth as your nerves grew bigger and bigger. Finally, you heard the intro music as your background dancer began dancing, signaling for you to enter the stage. You heard your fans scream as they saw you enter causing you to smile lightly. That smile faded as you got in position and began singing.

Did I catch your attention? You look like you lost your breath, huh

When I circle the room, you an owl, you gon’ twist your head

Don’t you come at me green with an attitude when my lips and my soles are red

If I leave you behind, you can look for the broken necks

No, no

‘Cause I’ve been here once or twice

Never worry ‘bout the eyes, come on

Don’t just stand there staring, honey

Try to move your feet

If you think they looking at you

They looking at me

I can make it nice and easy

I'ma take the lead

They ain’t even looking at you, baby

They looking at me

They looking at me

Yeah, yeah, they looking at me

May be young for a teacher, I’ll teach you what you don’t know

I could teach you the things that you wanna know

But I can’t give it up all at once, you would overdose

Don’t you bring any bull in the room tonight, it’s a whole new rodeo

It could be you and me, but you know that I’ll steal the show

Oh, yeah

'Cause I’ve been here once or twice

Never worry 'bout the eyes come on

Don’t just stand there staring, honey

Try to move your feet

If you think they looking at you

They looking at me

I can make it nice and easy

I'ma take the lead

They ain’t even looking at you, baby

They looking at me

They looking at me

No, no, no, no

Yeah, yeah, they looking at me

But they looking at me, babe

'Cause they looking at me, baby

hey

If I leave you behind, you can look for the broken necks

Don’t just stand there staring, honey

Try to move your feet

If you think they looking at you

They looking at me

I can make it nice and easy

I'ma take the lead

They ain’t even looking at you, baby

They looking at me

They looking at me

Yeah, yeah, they looking at me

But the truth is they looking at me

They looking at me

Once you were finished, the crowd went wild. You looked over to where your members were sitting as they screamed their lungs out causing you to laugh a little. You looked over to where bts were and they all were staring at Jungkook. The two of you made eye contact but he looked away, shaking his head. Suddenly he got up and began to walk away, clearly upset. You watched as Namjoon and Taehyung followed after him.

Leaving the stage you felt extremely proud of yourself. Not only did the fans seem to enjoy the song but your performance went off without any mistakes. In your head, that was the best performance you’ve ever done. You made a statement. You proved a point that at the end of the day, people can think they’re better than you but you know that’s far from the truth. You’re the queen and nobody can deny that. You know that the fans got the message and clearly the one person who needed to hear it most, got it too.

Link to song in fic

A/n: tell me why my petty ass wanted to be like “he got a slice of humble pie” 😭 This Shane drama is taking over my life.

MASTERLIST

#jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook x reader #jungkook angst #jungkook x reader angst #jeon jungkook #jungkook #bts #bts jungkook #bts angst #bts x reader #red velvet #irene #wendy #seulgi #joy #yeri #jungkook x idol reader

[blancheludis]

@whumptober2020 Day 11 “Crying”

Characters: Tony Stark, James “Rhodey” Rhodes, Tiberius Stone Tags: Asexuality, Friendship, Kissing, Tony Needs A Hug, Protective Rhodey Words: 4.121

Summary: What a coward he is. Maybe Howard is right and there is something inherently defective about him. It was only kissing and - Tony shudders and raises the toothbrush back to his teeth, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. “I didn’t say no,” he says when Rhodey asks him what happened. “That doesn’t mean yes.”

- Tony and Rhodey have a conversation about asexuality and the importance of consent.

---

Pink stains the sink when Tony spits out. His gums are burning from brushing too hard, and yet he cannot put down the toothbrush. There is this taste he cannot get out of his mouth, which is only enhanced by the faint trace of copper. One more time, he thinks, just to be safe.

His teeth must be cleaner than ever before by now. Then again, Ty has been very thorough in plundering his mouth, sticking his tongue where it should not go. All the brushing in the world cannot seem to get rid of the phantom feeling of Ty’s lips against his own.

But it is his own damn fault. He could have said no, could have made up some excuse why he needs to leave. And yet he stayed when Ty started kissing him. He does not like disappointing Ty, since his tongue can be almost as sharp as Howard’s if he tries, although he hits in very different places.

It is not that Tony is afraid of Ty hurting him. He could walk away at any time. But they have a good thing going, yes? Ty is smart and understands the world Tony comes from. He would not give up Rhodey for anything in the world, but sometimes it is nice to have someone who knows what it is like to come from a family with more money than sense. To have a name he is supposed to carry on, to live up to.

The door to their dorm room opens and Tony freezes in front of the sink. He watches himself go pale, his knuckles white around the toothbrush. Chances are low that this is Ty, who prefers people chasing after him instead of having to do any of the work himself. Still, the tingling of dread is there. Tony does not think he can get through another kissing session with Ty and keep up his smile.

What a coward he is. Maybe Howard is right and there is something inherently defective about him. It was only kissing and a bit of groping. They have not even gone any farther – not that Ty did not try. But all they touched was skin on skin, lips on lips – and lately tongue on tongue.

Tony shudders and raises the toothbrush back to his teeth, his eyes fixed on the door. When there is a knock, he relaxes. Ty is not the kind of person to let a closed door stop him. If he wants to enter, he does. Knocking only wastes time.

Keeping the toothbrush like a shield in front of him, Tony hums and opens the door, only to reveal Rhodey. That is good, he is safe. Not that he is in any danger from anybody else, really. But Rhodey is his self-proclaimed protector and will scare off anybody Tony does not feel comfortable with.

“Don’t tell me you just got up,” Rhodey says by way of greeting with just a hint of worry in his voice that does strange things to Tony’s heart.

Tony can only guess what Rhodey thinks. That he spent all night partying and drinking too much? That he collapsed in the lab and only now crawled home? That he fell into one of his listless, almost depressive bouts, that sometimes come over him, mostly after a visit home, and spent the morning in bed, moping?

It is nice that Rhodey worries without immediately voicing accusations, without expecting Tony to be guilty before he ever said a word. This is not disapproval or even mocking. Tony never came home last night and he generally has a penchant for keeping unhealthy hours.

The only other person who ever cared whether Tony gets enough sleep is Jarvis, and no matter how much Tony loves him, Jarvis gets paid to care.  Nobody is paying Rhodey, although Tony tried, if only to make sure he would stick around. That has been their only big fight so far, and Tony is glad he lost it.

“I’ve been in the lab, but then I had rhubarb for dessert and you know what that stuff does to the teeth,” Tony replies and somehow manages to sound appropriately cheerful. When he smiles, he keeps his lips pressed together as if his shame could be visible on his teeth.

“I know you’re not supposed to brush your teeth immediately after eating rhubarb,” Rhodey says, but looks like he generally agrees with Tony.

Too much at ease already, Tony makes the mistake to grin and immediately sees Rhodey’s eyes zeroing in on his mouth.

“Is that blood?” Rhodey asks with a frown. “When was your last appointment with a dentist?”

He had one task, keep his mouth shut and nod along. He knew his gum was bleeding, knows that one drop of blood against the white of the teeth is impossible to miss for someone who constantly worries about him.

Tony swallows a dismissive reply and settles for a glare. Better not to go down that rabbit hole. He turns back to the sink and spits out, quickly washing away the pink evidence of his frantic brushing.

It is enough for now. He cannot go for another round with Rhodey’s all-seeing eyes on his back. But maybe he does not need to. Rhodey’s presence makes everything better, after all, and he just has to take care not to move his tongue too much, to avoid touching the places Ty did.  

“You got somewhere to be right now?” Tony asks and carefully does not look at Rhodey as he picks up a towel to wipe over his face. He has been told that his eyes are too expressive and he odes not want Rhodey to feel obliged to stay if he has other plans, even if Tony is desperate for the company.

“Afternoon classes are over,” Rhodey says slowly, apparently not buying Tony’s nonchalance. “Why?”

Rhodey never asks why when he thinks everything is okay. And why would he? They hang out together all the time and never need a reason. Perhaps Tony looks more spooked than he thought.

“I thought we could go over some of Professor Brixton’s stuff together.” Tony used to be better at making up excuses, but they do often study together. And it is not like he can simply come out and say he needs to be distracted from thinking about having been kissed. Because he does not want to lie to Rhodey, though, he adds, “I need to get my mind off a problem I can’t solve in the lab.”

There, that was almost honest. He does have a problem he does not know how to deal with, and Ty did pick him up in the lab.

“Of course,” Rhodey agrees like there is nothing to it. “Let me get my book.”

Tony has a hard time hiding his relief. It still seems like nothing short of a miracle every time someone seeks his company without hoping for some advantage. And with someone, Tony almost always means Rhodey.

Rhodey turns back into their dorm room and Tony follows after rinsing his mouth one last time. He stops to watch Rhodey take the book out of his bag and sit down on his bed, patting the free space to him when he notices Tony just standing there.

And Tony hates himself for hesitating. They have done this a thousand times, cuddled up together on the bed or the couch to work together or just to talk. There has never been anything else to it. And yet, Tony cannot help but think of Ty’s wandering hands, brushing against Tony completely unexpected, how they ended up sitting closer and closer until Ty’s face had only been a breadth’s width from Tony’s and then not even that.

They had been talking about some lab experiment and Tony had forgotten to be apprehensive about hanging out with the son of one of his father’s business rivals. He is not sure how they turned from talking to kissing, does not know how he encouraged that, considering the thought never crossed his mind.

And now he is afraid of getting on the bed with his best friend. He does not think Rhodey would push him to do something he does not want, but what if it is something he should want? Kissing is supposed to be great, right? All the books and movies talk about it. Tony has seen how happily Ana leaned into Jarvis’ touch. He should not be repulsed by that. Even if he did not think about Ty in that way before, it should have been at least a bit nice. Right?

“Tony?” Rhodey asks, the concern back in his voice. “Everything okay?”

How long has Tony been standing here, staring at the bed as if it personally offended him? Shaking his head, he gets moving and gingerly lowers himself down next to Rhodey.

“Peachy keen,” he says and pushes his lips into a smile – only to have that turning into a grimace as he wonders whether smiling alone was enough of an invitation for Ty. “Still stuck on that lab problem.”

Rhodey keeps watching him for just a moment too long for Tony to think his excuse was believable enough. “Want me to take a look at it?”

“No,” Tony answers too quickly. Rhodey already has to deal with enough of his defects, so he does not need to add to that. In a much softer tone, he adds, “I just need a break from it.”

He holds his breath until Rhodey nods. “Very well, then. Come and let me distract you.”

Sometimes, Rhodey seems to know Tony better than he does himself, so Tony should be safe here, safer than anywhere else. Rhodey would not hurt him, not after being his steadfast protector ever since they met.

Tony sits down more comfortably and tries to sink into the familiar world of math problems and physical laws. It helps to apply his brain to something far more logical than thoughts or emotions. Rhodey helps, with his calm voice and his warm presence.

And yet. They sit too close and Tony is hyper aware of each of their movements. He just waits for Rhodey’s knee to shift or his face to turn just so. Perhaps it would be different with Rhodey. Perhaps it would not feel so wrong. Perhaps the problem is not Tony but Ty.

Tony is so focused on maintaining a safe distance between them that he does not hear a single thing Rhodey is saying anymore, and does not manage to give more than noncommittal hums in answer. Right up until Rhodey stops talking altogether and instead looks at Tony with the beginnings of a frown building on his forehead.

“Are you sure you’re all right?”

This is it. Tony has to make up a convincing lie and – “Do you like kissing?” he blurts out, hating how small the question makes him feel. It comes out desperate too, but hopefully that means Rhodey will not take it as a suggestion.

Instantly, Rhodey’s frown becomes more prominent, although it does not quite feel directed at Tony. “Depends on who I’m kissing,” he answers slowly, the way he does when his thoughts are racing to connect the dots. “Did something happen?”

“Why would you ask that?” Tony laughs but even to his own ears it sounds too nervous to be anything but fake. He shifts farther away from Rhodey, a move that does not go unnoticed.

“Did someone hurt you?” Rhodey looks ready to jump up and rain down the fury of the righteous on whoever dared to harm Tony.

In his head, Tony makes a note to never ever introduce Rhodey to Howard. That could only end in ruin for everybody.

“No,” Tony says and tries to sound calm about it. “Nobody did anything.”

It is obvious that Rhodey does not believe him. “Then why do you look so spooked?” He could as well have asked, Why do you sit so stiffly and so far away from me as if you expect me to devour you any second now?

What lie could Tony possibly make up that would not sound either completely unbelievable or sound much worse than what actually happened?

“Ty kissed me,” Tony confesses and it sounds wrong to even say it. Again, kissing is supposed to be nice and not leave a bad aftertaste in his mouth.

“Against your will?” Rhodey asks and immediately straightens, already angry on Tony’s behalf.

They cannot start an all-out war on campus, especially since nothing happened, so Tony hurries to say, “No.” He does not quite manage to make that convincing.

Tony usually lies so easily. Then again, it is not really a lie when it is just some inexplicable, nonsensical part of him that did not want to be kissed.

To his utter frustration, tears well up in his eyes, undoubtedly a result of that broken part of him that does not quite know how to be human.

“Tony?” Rhodey asks carefully, much gentler now. And he does not move closer, which Tony is eternally grateful for. Even though he might like a hug from someone safe, someone he does not have to wonder with what the price might be for it.

“I didn’t say no,” Tony admits very quietly. It would not be fair to put this on Ty when he is the one having a problem with the most normal thing in the world.

To his surprise, Rhodey does not look convinced but actually even a little upset. “That doesn’t mean yes.”

Shrugging, Tony draws his knees up to his chest, wishing he had not started this conversation after all. He is sure Rhodey would not blame him, but he is often overly cautious with Tony, which means he is not always right.

“I mean, we didn’t really talk about it.”

These things are often just implied, right? People on TV do not ask every time before they kiss. On the contrary, the first time is usually that magic thing where they finally give in to whatever has been pulling them together. It is Tony’s fault that he did not feel that – and that he did not pull away when Ty stated kissing him. It does not matter that his mind went blank and he basically froze in place. He is responsible for his own actions, or inactions as it is.

“You do get how that’s worse, yes?” Rhodey asks, shifting so he faces Tony fully. The textbook lies forgotten between them and Tony wishes he could have concentrated a bit better on it. “If he forced himself on you, I swear I’ll –”

“He didn’t, I promise,” Tony interrupts hurriedly. The last thing he wants is for Rhodey to get into trouble for him, especially not with someone like Ty, who could make life very uncomfortable for the both of them. Especially since Howard would not lift a single finger to help them out. “I mean, he didn’t ask, but he wasn’t mean about it. I just – What if there’s something wrong with me?”

As soon as the words are over his lips, Tony wishes he could take them back. There are things wrong with him. Howard has been telling him so for years, and it is unfair to burden Rhodey with soothing his mind with lies. The list of Tony’s faults is ever-growing. They would never get up from this bed again if he wanted reassurance for every single point on it.

“Oh, Tones,” Rhodey sighs and the sheer gentleness of it breaks Tony’s heart. “Nothing’s wrong with you just because you weren’t into kissing someone else. I definitely wouldn’t want to kiss Stone either.”

Disgust flickers briefly over Rhodey’s face which has a smile tugging at Tony’s lips. That thought really is ridiculous. Rhodey has far more class than that, than to settle for some smarmy rich boy like Ty.

The amusement dies again quickly, though, because this is not quite what Tony was aiming at. “What if I don’t want to kiss anybody? Like ever?”

It sounds monstrous. How could he not want what everybody else does? What is wrong with him?

Rhodey’s face does not change, his confidence does not waver. “Then there’s still nothing wrong with you.”

Even if it is a lie, Tony is grateful for it, grateful that he has a friend like that, who will catch him when he is falling. He still needs an answer though, and he will not get that if Rhodey keeps pampering him.

“But everybody wants to kiss other people. And more.” There mere thought of that has Tony grimacing. Ty’s wandering hands were barely bearable when they were still clothed. “But it was just – weird.”

Weird fits it pretty well, those first moments of lips moving on lips. Right up until the disgust crept in. But by then it was already too late. It is not like Tony could have pushed Ty away several minutes in and said, Sorry, changed my mind.

“Not everybody likes kissing,” Rhodey says without the slightest bit of hesitation. No matter whether it is a lie, Tony loves him for it. Loves him for trying. “You don’t, apparently. Maybe that was because of Stone, but maybe it doesn’t matter who’s on the other side. And that’s okay. You don’t need to kiss anybody to live a good life. And you definitely don’t have to kiss anybody to show them you like or even love them.”

The tears are back, burning at the back of Tony’s eyes. No matter how quickly he blinks, they just swell and soon there are cold tracks down his cheeks. Tony looks away, awkwardly aware of how embarrassing this is. To cry because his best friend said something nice to him. Because Rhodey always wants to convince him so badly that there is nothing wrong with him, no matter all the evidence to the contrary.

A hand appears in his line of vision holding a tissue – and Tony does the typical Stark thing and takes more than is offered. He snatches up the tissue but holds onto Rhodey’s hand with his own, eager for that contact even if he does not know how to ask for it. Rhodey does not comment on it but simply shifts a little so they can sit more comfortably.

“What if –” Tony sniffles, then tries again. “What if you loved someone and they loved you back but then they wouldn’t want to kiss you?”

“Then that would be perfectly fine.”

That has to be a lie. Or if it is not, then Rhodey must be the only person in the whole wide world who thinks so. Well, he already is the only one willing to suffer Tony’s presence without some sort of recompense. He is just too good, too pure. And Tony keeps piling up problems for him to sort through.

“But –” he tries to argue but is cut off when Rhodey squeezes his hand.

“You can come up with a thousand arguments, Tones, but the answer will stay the same,” Rhodey says, serious enough that even Tony’s mind cannot claim he does not mean every word he says. “You don’t owe anybody any part of you. If you don’t want to kiss, then that’s the end of the discussion.”

It will not be that easy, Tony knows that even without seeing the worried twist to Rhodey’s lips. People always want something from him. It never goes over well when he says no.

Before he can voice that, Rhodey continues. “And if someone doesn’t listen, you get out of there and tell me. Some people don’t like being told no, but that’s not on you.”

They have had this discussion about other things. About Tony throwing around money just so people would stop bothering him. About him doing all the work for group assignments. About him doing dares or outdrinking everybody else or working twice as hard as others, just to prove that he has a right to be here. All of that had to do with him being a Stark, however, and how that ruined him in a lot of ways. This, however, is just Tony. He cannot blame this on his father.

Very quietly, Tony admits, “It feels like his mouth is still there.” He reaches up as if to touch his lips but leaves his fingers hovering in the air, afraid to recreate the feeling of something moving against him. “It’s – gross.”  

Rhodey nods like there is nothing strange about that. “How about we get some cheeseburgers and ice cream to get rid of the taste?”

Another wave of tears flows unbidden over Tony’s cheeks, and he hides his face in the tissue as he nods. Where does Rhodey take his kindness from? It is nothing short of a miracle that Tony managed to find the only anomaly in a see of demanding faces here, the only one who seems to value Tony as a real person.

After a long moment in which neither of them moves, Rhodey adds, “Do you want a hug first?”

Relief floods through Tony. He feared that this would be off the table now. They have been rather open with touching each other before. Or, Tony has and Rhodey just went with it. He always expects Rhodey to withdraw when he presents another broken part of him. And yet he never does.

“You don’t need to ask,” Tony says and moves in, ready to bury himself against Rhodey’s chest and forget all about the world around them.

Rhodey stops him, though, and it is as if all of Tony’s fears come true. “Of course, I do,” he says, still so very gentle. “Everybody should.”

So it is not a rejection but simply Rhodey wanting to underline his point.

“But you’re –” safe, Tony wants to say but swallows it down. He has made himself too vulnerable already.

In response, Rhodey’s face softens into something almost unbearably kind. When he opens his arms, Tony does not hesitate to sink into the offered embrace.

He still cannot quite believe what Rhodey said is true, no matter how much he wants to. The world they live in seldom is so kind. If he had asked anybody else, he is sure he would have gotten a vastly different answer. Something must be wrong with him. But it is nice, at least, that Rhodey does not seem to think so.

Then again, Rhodey sees life differently in so many ways. He cannot be wrong about all of these things. He cannot be right about them, either, because that would mean that Howard and Obie would be wrong and that is not a direction Tony can allow his thoughts to go. Not if he wants to hold on to his sanity and what little sense of self-worth he has left.

“Can we just stay here?” Tony asks quietly. Everything is better here where he does not have to see the world and is held by someone he trusts completely.

“Of course,” Rhodey agrees without the slightest bit of hesitation. He does not make a move to let go of Tony either.

Rhodey really is the best friend anybody could ask for. That he is here, holding Tony like there is nothing to it really makes Tony feel less defective, more than his words did.

Maybe Tony will even have the courage to tell Ty no the next time they see each other, to not let things happen to him because that is easier than starting an argument. Even though it was not that bad, after all. Right?

When Tony swallows, he still tastes the faintest bit of blood from brushing his gums raw. It is that bad, he decides. Worse than going home for Christmas and facing his father’s eternal disappointment.

“Will you stay nearby when I have to see Ty next time?” Tony asks, pretending that he does not feel like a coward for it.

“Of course,” Rhodey says again. “I’ll also make his body disappear if that becomes necessary.”

The seriousness with which Rhodey says that has Tony feeling giddy. “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome.” Rhodey tightens their embrace for a moment, which says so much more than words ever could. “Now, how about we let those cheeseburgers be delivered? That way we don’t have to get up.”

Perfect, Tony thinks as he nods. If he could, he would never let Rhodey leave his side again. He feels like a much better person with him close.

All it takes, really, is a friend, a best friend, and the entire grim world looks so much brighter. And lying here in Rhodey’s arms, Tony feels like the luckiest person alive.

#whumptober2020 #no. 11 #crying #marvel #fanfiction #tony stark #rhodey #asexuality #asexuality week #emotional whump #my writing #ao3

[idontwanttowhy]

Review: Holiday Love ホリデイラブ (2018)

A frustrating Fatal-Attraction-esque jdrama

Synopsis

Takamori Azu (Riisa Naka) has been leading a seemingly perfect life with her husband, Takamori Junpei (Takashi Tsukamoto) and their daughter Nanaka. However, her world crumbles when she is told that Junpei has been cheating on her with a part-time co-worker, Izutsu Rina (Matsumoto Marika)--by Rina's husband, Izutsu Wataru (Nakamura Tomoya) no less. To make matters worse, she discovers that Rina won't let go of Junpei and is doing everything in her power to destroy their relationship. A rollercoaster of betrayal, mistakes, and obsession ensues.

AC Overall: 8/10, be prepared to be mad

So this drama is about people being unfaithful in their marriages and the tolls that takes on themselves, their relationships, and their families--and ultimately how they dealt with it all. I was very frustrated throughout the drama, partially because of the cheating and partially because of how everything panned out. But what kept me watching was the mistress, Rina's, plans to be with Junpei, despite both his wife's efforts and her husband's efforts to separate them. Be prepared for Fatal Attraction-level obsession. Matsumoto Marika did a great job playing the obsessed, unstable mistress. Give it a watch for the mess of it all, from will-they-won't-they get back together drama and possible revenge cheating, to unhealthy obsessions and extreme ~moves~ because of it. Some of it was predictable, but the execution was creative at times. And it's pretty short, good for a binge.

AC Review (Spoilers, and very long)

Ngl, this drama had me Fuh-RUS-TRA-TED practically the whole time. Bc I 1) could not understand Junpei for cheating and 2) tbh still don't understand how and why Junpei had two women who wanted to be with him. But I digress. Actually no, this whole review is going to be a digression. First ep we see Junpei fucking some other woman and they talking about "I wish I had married you" and love and blah blah blah. Which makes it decidedly not an "I fucked up and my dick slipped" situation. Not that the latter is better bc they're both shit. Idk if it's better if someone "slips up" because of a lack of control, or a strong love towards someone else. Jury's still out. But Junpei whispered sweet-apparently-nothings into this woman's ear for a YEAR, and dead acted like nothing was going on at home. And then had Rina assed out in front of his wife and her husband talking about "I didn't say all that" like suuure want receipts? So ultimately everything was his damn fault. Anyway. My girl Azu, blessherheart, was completely blindsided when Rina's (very attractive though also very abusive but very attractive and why would you want Junpei over him but yeah he's abusive so I get it but if he wasn't then...) husband showed up with a beat-up Junpei talking 'bout "he's fucking my wife, what are we going to do?". And poor Nanaka! The children in both marriages suffered the most bc they really were just innocent bystanders who got caught up in the bull and will probably have some trauma because of it. Like Nanaka was such a happy spirit but got depressed when she lost all her friends! My heart really went out to her.

Anyway anyway. So my girl Azu did the right thing at first--had Junpei's ass sleeping in the car and everything, which I loved, and was determined to divorce him. But then she got tricked into (almost) sleeping with a Japanese Micheal Cera (simultaneously old- and young-looking somehow) by a client-like gurl. I was proud that she stopped it (and he didn't continue without consent) but like, her sister and best friend's response was like "how could you (almost) fuck a stranger" and I'm sitting here like "she was drunk? he was blackmailed into this? she thought she knew him at least a little? and she realized she didn't want to and didn't actually have sex with him? and where was this energy when they found out about Junpei??". And then the best friend proceeded to give shit advice, talking about "don't tell Junpei, it'll ruin his ego" when realistically, she shoulda just told him the minute she decided she wanted to be with him still (which I'll discuss later) bc they were split up at the time, and he did (arguably, though maybe not, still depends on the person's pov) worse. But no, he found out through the mistress (of course!) and thus put Azu in purgatory. Her flip in the decision to be with him again was because he had always been there...which I get (prob bc of my scorpio sun) but ughhh I wish she hadn't welcomed him back so easily. Like yeah, say you still want to be with him, sure, but make him sweat at least a little more? Make him beg? act different? idk. She made him feel too comfortable too quick, which made him feel more entitled to being upset about her and JMichael Cera talking about "I know I shouldn't be mad, kedo..." and making my girl Azu sad, which leads me to...

THE MISTRESS. with her baby voice. wtf. And Junpei couldn't keep his dick in his pants even after all the shit. I mean, they didn't fuck but dude was acting sus again around her, which was just more fodder for her in the end. (His only other female co-worker watching and knowing everything was me the whole time. Like, you dumb, dumb man). He was waaay too nice after all the shit, letting her into his dorm and letting her do him favors so he felt guilty and letting her try to talk him into leaving his wife. I was sooo mad that after all the mess, Junpei still didn't grow any balls to say to her, point-blank, "I'm not leaving my wife, please leave" until way too late for me. And she really, and i mean REALLY, went out of her way to get Azu to cheat and molded him like putty. I had no faith in Junpei. Throughout the whole thing. Dude is spineless. And...so was Wataru, but in the macho-man kind of way. Controlling to hide his insecurities. Violent for no reason (did we need the r. scene? fuck) But in the end, he was the one that caved the least when it came to the cheating, trying to figure out what happened, and taking concrete steps rather than the wishy-washy moves Azu and Junpei were making. And then he grew as a father after kicking Rina out, because then he spent time with the kids (after his mom said she had a life lol) and they ultimately chose him in Tokyo which was super interesting and redeeming...wait wait wait but he was still very abusive and there is no excuse for that. I really had to stop myself--whenever he wasn't yelling at grown ass adults and breaking shit--from thinking that he was a good person. The struggle. But this man really said everyone's dumb, and I low-key agree. I could understand him the most (though it doesn't excuse anything, ik ik). But I would've changed the locks too.

We gotta talk about the best friend too. I watched on viki with the comments, so throughout the show people were like "oh they should be together" and shit, which had me kinda tight because I really appreciate when shows allow for platonic friendship between a cishet- man and woman? Esp without one professing their ever-present love to the other. Dude gave shit advice but ultimately was the only one thinking straight and suspecting Rina was behind it all. And then actually doing the groundwork to prove it. And he sent her new clients when the news of the affair broke and everything. And and he had Nanaka's approval. Honestly there wasn't anything to dislike (except the shit advice...).

The ending tho, was the kicker. Homegirl put on a whole play for the company and really sought to end his life. I expected something, bc how could someone as obsessed as she was just back off? (and he deserved it bc Junpei didn't sacrifice enough for me, got around everyone knowing about his affair but had his wife's business out on the street, didn't have to lose his job like he was supposed to, etc...) but I didn't expect a performance. The flair. A1.

This show didn't necessarily have me gasping (except for that scene)--more like "wow I saw that coming but wow they really did that". Good stuff. And I learned that in Japan if a spouse cheats or otherwise does something that's cause for divorce, they have to pay a compensation fee! Wild.

If you made it to the end of this rant, I appreciate you ;

#holidaylove #ホリデイラブ #japanese drama #jdrama review

[atlfics]

Broken Record- All Time Low Fanfiction

Alex accidentally breaks Jack’s most prized possession. High School AU. Word Count: 1805

TW: mentioned mental health issues

More notes at the end. 

“Dude, I’m so glad you’re spending the night since my parents are out of town. I think there’s an unopened wine bottle in the kitchen that we can drink,” Jack said as he walked into his house with Alex on a Friday afternoon.

“Oh shit, that sounds really good. Are you sure your parents won’t notice that it’s gone?” Alex asked back.

“Nah, they have plenty more of it. Besides, if they ask, I’ll just tell them that we were responsible about it, like, we stayed here and didn’t do anything dangerous and stuff,”

“I guess that’ll work, whatever you think is best, man. Hey, before we start to enjoy our night, should we get some homework done first?”

“Homework on a Friday? The only activities involving thinking that we should do are songwriting, and playing video games,” Jack stated, as the two of them made their way up to Jack’s room.

“Well, I know we both have a lot, so I think we should start on it before we go to your basement for the night. Maybe just, like, an hour of work. We can make it fun; we can listen to music while we get it done,” Alex suggested.

“I don’t think that homework could ever be considered fun, but that does make it sound much more tolerable,”

The two of them walked into Jack’s room, which was currently quite messy.

“Dude, it looks like a tornado came through here! Why’s everything so messy?”  Alex asked, taking a seat at Jack’s desk.

“Alex, my parents are out of town, which means that I don’t have anyone bitching at me to keep it clean! Why would I clean it when I don’t have to?” Jack continued, taking a seat on his bed, and pulling some books out of his backpack.

“You’re sixteen, do you really still need your parents to tell you to clean your room?” Alex laughed as he opened his algebra textbook.

“Well, no, but it’s kind of fun doing the shit they don’t like while they’re not here to tell me otherwise. Anyway, enough about the state of my bedroom, let’s just get this stupid homework shit over with,”

The two of them stopped talking, and started to look into their books. Alex got done with a bout half of his math problems, then started to stare off into space some. Normally, he was a fairly diligent worker, but the excitement of the rest of the day, and the fact that it was a Friday, was occupying his mind.

He looked at the wall between Jack’s bed and desk, which had a signed vinyl of Blink-182’s Take Off Your Pants and Jacket mounted on it. Alex looked at the autographs, tracing the letters with his eyes, until he finally got pulled from his thoughts.

“Alex, can you help me with something?” Jack asked, sounding frustrated.

“I can try. What do you need help on?” Alex continued.

“So, I’m trying to do this system of equations shit, and I keep messing up, because the answer I’m getting isn’t the one that’s on the answer key in the back of the book. I literally have no idea what I’m doing wrong, and I know you’re pretty good with this shit,” Jack explained, scooting over on his bed to make room for his friend.

“Sure, I’ll come look at it,”

Alex got up, and started to walk towards Jack’s bed. Once he was almost there, he tripped on one of the many things on Jack’s floor and started to fall. He quickly reached out to the wall to support him, not realizing that his hand was headed straight towards Jack’s autographed album, until it was too late.

The album fell from its spot and hit the floor, breaking in half. When Alex realized what had happened, his jaw dropped, instantly feeling guilty. He looked over to Jack, who looked both depressed and angry at the same time.

“Oh my god, Jack. I didn’t mean to- it was an accident-“ Alex stuttered, not sure how to right what he’d just done.

“What the fuck, Alex?” Jack yelled, starting to look more angry than sad.

“I’m so sorry, I-“

“It’s fucking broken, Alex! I can’t fucking fix this!”

Jack bolted up from his bed, and over to Alex and the album.

“I’m sure there’s something we can do to put it back together, like-“

“There’s nothing we can do to fix it, Alex! It’s split in half, right where all of the signatures are! There’s nothing that is going to fix it!”

“I’ll get you a new one!” Alex offered.

“I don’t want a new one, I only wanted this one, and you fucked it up!”

“Jack, listen-“

“Save it, it’s not going to change anything,” Jack snapped, going back over to his bed with his split record.

Alex still felt very bad for what had just happened, but he started to get frustrated at Jack’s reaction. He knew he’d fucked up, but it was just an album.

“You know what, Jack, it’s just an album. I know it’s signed, but you can always get another off of eBay. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal,” Alex defensively shot back, feeling himself get angrier.

“I can’t just get another online, it wouldn’t be the same,”

“Dude, I can almost guarantee that someone is selling a copy of that album with the autographs. Just get one there, it’ll be like this never happened,”

“No, it’s not that simple, Alex. That album means a lot to me,” Jack continued, starting to sound less mad.

“I know it’s your favorite Blink record, but-“

“It’s more than that, dude,”

Alex looked to his friend, and saw a nervous look on his face, making Alex’s anger turn into curiosity.

“What do you mean?” Alex asked, cautiously walking over to Jack’s bed, and taking a seat on it.

“Well, it’s kind of a lot, and I’ve not really told a lot of people,”

“You can tell me anything. Jack, I won’t’ tell anyone whatever it is, I promise,”

Jack looked over to Alex, then quickly looked down at his broken album, before taking a deep breath.

“Okay, well, here it goes, I guess. When I was in seventh grade, I went to a signing at that record store in the mall by your house, and got this record signed by the band. The reason it means a lot, is because that year was really hard for me,”

“What do you mean? If you don’t mind me asking, of course,”

“Well, I was having problems with my family, and some of the people that I was friends with at the time. It got to the point where music was the only thing that brought me joy, and that made continuing to live and carry on feel worth it. I never really planned or intended to do something stupid, but shit got really dark for me, and I started to wonder if it was all worth it. If I didn’t have much to look forward to, and I really questioned if I deserved to be here. In the height of all of those thoughts, Blink announced the signing I went to. That was one of the first things in a long time that got me to feel truly excited about life. I’d never met them, or any musician before, but I knew I had to go. When the day finally came, I brought that copy of the record, and waited in a long ass line for about three hours, before finally getting to the signing table. My time with them was very brief, but it was life changing. It helped me realize that life had moments that made it feel meaningful, and that sticking around was worth it. That’s actually why I had it hung, I wanted to physically see it when I needed that reminder,” Jack explained, too nervous to look up at his friend.

Alex was speechless, stunned to hear all of this come from Jack, who normally seemed happy all the time.

“Jack, man, I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” Alex eventually said, still not totally sure how to respond to Jack’s story.

“Look, I’m sorry for flipping out on you the way that I did. I could’ve reacted n a more civil and mature way,”

“No, don’t apologize, if I were in your position, I definitely would’ve reacted in the same way. I had no idea you felt that way back in seventh grade. I’m sorry you were in such a low place. Did you ever talk to anyone about it at the time?”

“No, I was too afraid to. I didn’t want to be judged, or have people think that there was something wrong with me. Also, I thought I could handle all of those negative, heavy thoughts on my own. Looking back, I definitely couldn’t, but having Blink as my emotional support system did make it all the least bit easier,”

“I knew Blink meant a lot to you, but I never knew that the reason was so deep. Jack, I’m really sorry about the record. Is there anything I can do to try and make it up to you?”

“Well, we could stop doing homework,” Jack joked, making them both laugh some.

“I knew you’d say that. Seriously, though, is there anything I can do to show you how insanely sorry I am?” Alex continued.

“Nah, you don’t have to do anything. This album definitely helped me through a rough time in my life, and it’s been nice to have that extra support from the album hanging there, but this has helped me realize that I’m okay, and that maybe I don’t need to physically see it when shit happens for reassurance,” Jack explained, making both of them smile.

“I’m glad you’re looking at it like that. By the way, I’m always here for you, even when shit hits the fan. It’s never going to just be you and your music again, I promise,”

The two of them shared a smile before hugging each other.

“Thanks, Alex, that really does mean a lot. Hey, do you think we could work on a song instead of homework?” Jack requested.

“Sure thing, man. Hey, are you sure you’re going to be okay from this?”

“Yeah, I think so. Maybe they’ll do another signing here eventually,”

“True, or we could keep working our asses off with the band, become famous, get Blink’s number, and get a new signed album that way!” Alex exclaimed, as they started to make their way down to Jack’s basement.

“Yeah, like that will ever happen,” Jack replied, laughing some.

“It could! You never know!” Alex stated, as they sat down on Jack’s couch with their guitars and got to work on their next song.

A/N: Hey guys, I got this idea from a prompt page, and I really love how it turned out!! Please send in requests if you have them, I'd love to write some for you all! Thank you for reading, it means the world. Lots of love, Liv.

#Alex Gaskarth #Jack Barakat #Rian Dawson #Zack Merrick #ATL #all time low