#and I don’t have the stamina this year thanks to Covid
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It’s a stunning day here on the south shore and I’m headed outside to start the annual endless task of pulling weeds in garden beds in a yard mom can no longer manage and complains about constantly yet does nothing to change so they are easier to manage like apply deep mulch or plant ground cover and this is such a metaphor for everything about her and I’m trying to hold space for who she is and where she’s at and give her grace but goddamn this is nearly every vacation for the last 30 years and I’m so very over it. Also fuck punctuation.
#time for the small single level condo with a patio and a few pots of flowers#an acre and pool and 300 yards of untended perennial beds is not sustainable#and I don’t have the stamina this year thanks to Covid#or the money to pay for someone else to do it thanks to Covid eating my entire savings account
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Breathe Free
Part One
Summary: You were perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, thank you very much! Dean knew that, he also knew better. He'd seen you sick plenty of times in the past five years, but this was different. This was much more than a cold, but you were so stubborn about doctors! Dean Winchester isn't about to let you slip away, even if it means going against your wishes. He only hopes he's not too late!
Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader, Dean x Reader, Dean x You
Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Reader
Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Sickfic, Sick!Reader, Hospitals, Kissing, fluff
Word Count: 5447
One Shot - Two Parts
Author’s Notes: I have been sick with Covid for a month. Well... down sick for 2 1/2 weeks and recovering my stamina for 2 more. Its been a real bitch. Plus my disabled mother has it now. This is following a nervous breakdown I had in June. Writing has been my passion and my mental health balm, but I've not been able to produce anything in months. So this... this is a fucking triumph!!
I'm still working on all my other WIP, so please stick around. I'll get there... eventually :)
I'm hoping to finish part two shortly and post in a week... ish.
Thank you all for the continued support!
Masterlist
(Part Two)
You were going to kill him. Honestly. If this fucking cold didn’t finish you off, you were going to make it your life’s mission to succeed where every bloody monster, demi-god, angel, demon, and creator of all had failed. Ridding the world of Dean Winchester would be a public service at this point. The church would canonize you for this! There would be bank holidays and parades in your honor. Maybe an annual postage stamp? A drink named after you at the local bar, at the least.
Of course, you’d have to live long enough to carry out your plan for fame and fortune. As it was, your odds were 50/50. Congestion, muscle aches, dizziness, sore throat, non-existent appetite and low-grade fever. How is it that each of these symptoms alone were minor? Almost unnoticeable. You could easily carry out any task battling them one on one. Yet together they took you down hard. It was unfair and utterly ridiculous! Not to mention hugely inconvenient.
It was probably that sneezing sheriff from that last case. You had to introduce him of the concept of personal space more than once. The douchebag said it was just allergies. Contagious creep!
Still, you were home now. Back at the bunker with three bags worth of pharmacy remedies to ease your pain until the virus ran it’s course. All you had to do was make it to your room and you could drown yourself in cough syrup and peppermint oil. Unfortunately, Dean was not making it easy.
“You sound like shit, Y/N.”
“Well, I feel like shit, so that tracks.”
You coughed harshly into the crook of your elbow as you trudged down the metal stairs behind Dean. Sam followed behind you, carrying your bags and his. Gentleman that he was. Levelheaded and sensible, God must have given Dean’s portion of those admirable qualities to his brother.
“That cough is getting worse,” Dean said, tossing his duffle down on the war room table.
“That’s because you won’t shut up.”
“What does that have to do with it?”
“Because you keep baiting me into conversation with all of your pushy opinions. If you didn’t make me talk so much, I wouldn’t be coughing so much!” You broke off into a hacking fit that proved your point in your mind. This was entirely his fault!
“That’s ridiculous. You’ve been talking non-stop since we met you five years ago and you never coughed up a lung because of it.” Dean shook his head and looked to his brother, “Sam, help me out here.”
Sam usually occupied neutral territory during these debates, but one look at you and he sided with Dean. “Why don’t we go get you checked out, Y/N?”
“I got checked out in Billings, they said it wasn’t Covid. It’s probably just a run of the mill virus.”
“That guy was like twelve,” Dean scoffed. “I’m surprised he knew what to do with swab.”
“He was a doctor, Dean!”
“Debatable.”
“There’s no harm in a second opinion,” Sam pointed out.
You were so tired you just wanted to cry. Why were they being so hard-headed about this? Typical! Men always think they know everything. It was all so simple for them, they never had to jump through the hoops that you did when getting care. It was always the same when you went to the doctor, which is why you never went. Doctors who dismiss your symptoms and bill you for the privilege. If you were up to your usual fiery disposition, you’d launch into a lengthy explanation, but you just didn’t have it in you.
“If I could get a decent one, I’d consider it. But the fucking truth is, I won’t. Not without a fight and I just don’t think it’s worth it. I’m not dying, I’m not bleeding. I’ve got a cold, a really shitty one that I hope to God neither of you get because dealing with sick Winchesters might actually finish me off.”
Dean frowned down at you, “What do you mean? What is it with you and doctors?”
“I do not have it in me to explain to you the numerous and colossal failings of the American healthcare system, so I am going to simply say this. It’s my health and I still get a choice. So, I’m going to my room where I can die in peace and hopefully tomorrow, I will be rise like the Phoenix with clear sinuses. If not, then my ghost will haunt this bunker and you two will have to fight over my George Carlin collection.”
Dean blinked at you for a moment, “You know, we killed a phoenix a few years back.”
You rolled your eyes and started down the hall towards the bedrooms. “If either of you wake me before noon, I’m licking every doorknob in this place.”
“It’s a great story, we had to time travel!” he shouted after you.
You voice echoed back, along with a few coughs, “I’m using your pillowcase to blow my nose!”
“I don’t like this, Sammy.”
Sam picked up his own duffle, “Of course you don’t. Your mother hen instincts go into overdrive whenever any of us gets sick. Remember Fort Worth?”
“Food poisoning, God that was awful. The pair of you were doubled over the toilet for three days from a damn salad.”
“And Nashville?”
“Shark week,” Dean muttered, remembering you curled up with a heating pad while he and Sam hunted vampires. You wouldn’t even talk to them, just whimpered occasionally and buried your head under the covers.
“Right. She doesn’t get sick often, but when she does all she wants to do is sleep. The more you try to help the more it irritates her. Just leave her be, she’ll let us know if she needs anything.”
That earned a frown from the older brother, as did the sound of another sneeze down the hall. You were a damn stubborn mule when you wanted to be, but that didn’t bother Dean. It was a useful quality that served you well in the field. But you tended to double down when you were hurt or scared, making a challenge for people who loved you to help.
And Dean did love you.
He came to that conclusion long ago when you burst in on him fighting off a werewolf in your barn. Barefoot, with a sawed-off shotgun in your hands. You were fearless, clocked the beast right between the eyes.
Then:
“Are you alright?”
Dean rolled the dead body off him and got to his feet. He quickly took measure of the woman standing in the opened doorway. Silk short shorts and camisole peeked out from under a worn buffalo check flannel. Blood ran down bare legs and splattered in the cloud of wild curls that framed a pretty face. Angel with a shotgun.
Her expression was one of concern, but she kept a tight hold on her weapon. Smart girl.
“I should be asking you that question.”
You glanced down at the blood stains, “It’s not mine. My neighbor he, ah…I don’t know. He went… rabid. I put him down, didn’t want to hurt him, but he came at me…”
“If you hadn’t, he would have killed you. Or turned you. It was a mercy, believe me.”
You took solace in that. With a nod, you lowered your gun and glanced over at the werewolf, dead on the ground.
“I don’t suppose there’s a monster removal service we call in a situation like this?”
“It’s your lucky day Sweetheart, cause that’s me.” Dean stuck his hand out to you, “Dean Winchester, monster remover extraordinaire.”
You grinned, pulling your lower lip between your teeth and your eyes warmed up. It was a look he knew well; he’d seen it in women countless times. You thought he was cute. You put your hand in his for a handshake and he winked. You laughed softly, confirming his theory. You thought he was adorable, or at least charming. A good start!
“Y/N Y/L/N.”
“Y/N. Pretty name. If you’ve got a shovel around here, I’ll take care of this. Then we can decide what to do about your neighbor.”
You grabbed a pair of shovels along with your rubber gardening boots that you kept by the potting bench.
“I built the retaining wall in the west garden by myself last summer,” you said, pulling the boots on. “I’m handy with a shovel.”
There was a glint of respect in his gaze as he studied you. It wasn’t every day he met a beautiful woman who offered to help him dig a grave in middle of the night. In her pajamas.
He glanced at the dead body then back to you. “You sure?”
“I’ve been saving this bottle of Canadian whiskey for something special. I think digging my first grave is the occasion I’ve been waiting for.”
Dean was a grade-A smart ass and never at a loss for a clever comeback. But damn if you didn’t knock him speechless. Standing in the middle of a falling down barn with a dead werewolf only a few feet away and blood splattered all over… you were the sexiest woman he’d ever laid eyes on. He was a confident man who loved women. When he met a woman he liked, he turned on the charm, pursued her. Simple. But you… you held challenge in your eyes, pride in the tilt of your jaw and confidence in the carriage of your body.
You were a match to be met.
“Well Y/N, lets earn that whiskey.”
Now:
The following morning, you didn’t come out of your room for breakfast. When he still hadn’t seen you by noon, he decided to hell with it. Even if you bit his head off, he was damn well going to check on you. He was Dean Winchester, damn it! He’d faced the Devil himself; he could handle a cranky woman with a head cold.
He stood quietly outside your bedroom, straining to hear any sign that you were awake. A moment later you broke into a series of coughs, and he took the opportunity to knock.
“Y/N?” He cracked the door open and stuck his head inside.
Your room was dark except for the glow from your laptop and the tiny light from the vaporizer billowing out peppermint scented air. Your bed was huge and took up most of the room. A king-sized masterpiece of cloud-like fluffiness and ruffles. Princess and the Pea inspired mattress topper and ivory striped pillows stuffed with goose down. Dean bragged about his memory-foam mattress so often that you took it as a challenge when they invited you pick a room and make it your own. The bed itself was so big it wouldn’t fit through any door in the bunker, begging the question… how did you manage it?
You’d teased Dean for weeks, refusing to tell him the simple cheat. Castiel did it for you.
Then:
“You’ve gotta be kidding me! I pray to his feathery ass for weeks with no answer and you just up and ask him to move your princess bed and he does it? Poof?”
“Well, yeah. I said please.”
“It’s very… white.”
“I know. We go so many gross places, skeevy motels and hunts covered in monster goop. I wanted something clean. You know?”
Now:
With the abundance of pillows and blankets piled on the bed, it was hard to make out your form in the middle of it all. Dean stepped over your discarded shoes and hunting clothes. There were piles of crumpled tissues all over the floor, cough drop wrappers and half drank bottles of water.
“What time is it?” you asked from the mountain of covers.
“Just past noon,” he replied, coming closer to the bed. “Thought maybe you’d want lunch.”
You shook your head and Dean could see you a bit clearer in the light of the computer. Your face was flushed more than it was the night before and your eyes were dull. You looked utterly miserable.
He sat on the side of the bed; his hand went to your forehead. You didn’t even pull away, “Fever. You take anything for it?”
Your finger pointed to the table littered with over-the-counter drugs and bottles. You’d taken everything for it, but nothing really helped.
“You get any sleep last night?”
“No,” you said on a sneeze, then groaned. “This blows. You should leave so I don’t give you the plague.”
“Hmm.” He stood there for a minute, then disappeared out into the hallway.
You burrowed back under your covers with a shiver, for the first time in his life, Dean Winchester actually did as you asked. You must be in worse shape than you thought.
A few minutes later, he reappeared with a large mug in his hands. “Wanna sit up, Sweetheart? I’ve got something special for you.”
With a grunt, you untangled yourself from the bedding and sat up against the padded headboard. He smiled fondly, you looked adorable, even as sick as you were. Your hair was held back in twin French braids that were starting to come loose and you were using one of his missing Henley’s for a night shirt. A few sizes too big, it hung off one of your shoulders.
“I was wondering where that went.”
You were confused for a second then tugged self-consciously at the collar buttons. “It made its way into my rotation after that Wendigo hunt.”
“Looks better on you anyway,” he held out the mug to you. “Drink this nice and slow, it’ll take care of that cough so you can sleep.”
“What is it?” you asked, stirring the steaming liquid with the cinnamon stick that propped against the rim.
“That is Bobby Singer’s patented, super-secret, cure all hot toddy. Sammy used to get sick all the time when we were kids, that stuff always put him right.”
You took a sip, it indeed soothed your throat and although you couldn’t really taste it, the burn of alcohol was distinct.
“Wow, how much whiskey is in Bobby’s hot toddy?”
“Enough to send you off to dreamland.” He stood and turned to leave. He knew you didn’t want to be bothered and now that you’d accepted his help, he felt a bit more confident in leaving you. For a while.
“I’ll be back in a couple of hours and see if you can stomach some soup and crackers. Your meds will work better if you eat.”
He was almost to the door when you stopped him, “Dean?”
“Yeah?”
“How’d you kill the phoenix?”
“It’s a… a long story.”
You gave a small shrug, feeling silly. You’d made such a fuss yesterday about being left alone and now you found you wanted him to stay.
“I’m not exactly going anywhere.”
That earned you a genuine smile from him. He toed off his shoes and launched himself into the middle of your bed with a bellyflop.
“Dean!” You laughed, covering the top of the mug so the contents wouldn’t spill.
He made a big show of climbing up over the mountain of blankets and pillows, “Jesus, Y/N! How do you sleep on this pile of marshmallow fluff?”
“Shut it. You’ve been dying to try my bed since the day I moved in.”
“Who says I haven’t? Remember that trip you took to Jody’s last month? Sammy and I had a great time painting our toes and talking about boys in here.”
“Shut up,” you said with a cough.
“He wanted to try on your underwear, but I drew the line,” he teased, pulling you in close so he could wrap his arm around your shoulders. “Comfortable?”
You tucked into his side and let your aching head rest on his chest. “Mmm.”
“Good. So, the year was 1861 and the place was Sunrise, Wyoming.”
Hours later, long after the hot toddy had done its job, you were deep asleep when Dean woke up. He was unbelievably hot, and you were the cause. Obviously, your fever had spiked. Sweat dotted your brow and soaked through your clothes to the point he was feeling damp where you were cuddled against him. He gently eased you off, feeling your forehead with a frown.
“Y/N? Wake up, sweetheart.”
You grumbled in your sleep and burrowed deeper under the covers when he pulled them back.
“Come on, Y/N,” he urged, pulling a thermometer from his shirt pocket.
You were only halfway awake when you realized there was a thin, glass tube under your tongue. “Wha thmm hemmm?”
“103.” He brushed the hair back that had stuck to your temples. “I think I should take you to the E.R. High fevers are nothing to mess around with.”
You shook your head, coughing deeply. “The meds just wore off.”
He handed you a box of tissues, “I think you need more than cough syrup and Tylenol. Let me take you to get looked at.”
“I’ll be okay Dean; I just need to give it time.”
Behind the exhaustion and illness, he could see flicker of fear in your eyes, and he was torn. The last thing he wanted was to push you or take away your choice, but he wasn’t going to let this get out of control.
He sighed heavily, “Okay, we’ll try it your way. On two conditions. One, you need to eat something, so you keep your strength up.”
“Okay,” you agreed, trying not to cough again. “And two?”
“If this gets worse, you’ll let me take you to the doctor.” He could feel you instantly withdraw, but he wasn’t going to let you. This was too important. He crooked a finger under your chin, gently coaxing you to look at him.
“I know it scares you, you don’t have to tell me why. Trust me, I’ll take care of you Y/N.”
Your reluctance met with his resolve and after a moment, you nodded. “Okay.”
“That’s my girl,” Dean praised, brushing a kiss across your forehead. “Now, if you’re very good, I’ll bring you a bowl of tomato rice soup.”
“With that bacon cheddar panini you made last time?”
“Woman after my own heart,” Dean said. He climbed out of the bed, then noticed you doing the same.
“Whoa, wait a minute. Where do you think you’re going?”
“A shower, I feel disgusting,” you muttered, pawing through the bottles on the nightstand.
“No way, that fever is way too high. And you use water hot enough to burn off fingerprints.”
You tossed back a couple of Tylenol with a generous swallow of water. “If I smell as awful as I feel, then you shouldn’t be discouraging me.”
“Y/N…”
“Super quick, more of a rinse than a shower.”
“Ten minutes. Any longer and I’m coming in after you.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time,” you replied, gathering a fresh set of pajamas.
“Keep that water tepid,” he called after you.
Once you were alone in the shower room, you turned on the water and allowed yourself the coughing fit you’d been holding in. Dean was worried enough about you. As sweet as he was, there was a claustrophobic feeling bubbling within you. It came from a childhood spent as a sick kid. Parents, teachers, doctors all seemed to hover. Stealing your air and breathing down your neck.
Hidden in the clean clothes were two small bottles of essential oils. An old remedy passed down from your grandpa. You striped down and stepped under the water. It wasn’t nearly as warm as you’d like it, but it was better than nothing. You uncapped the bottles and sprinkled the contents over the floor. They mixed with the heat and made a fragrant steam of peppermint and eucalyptus. You braced your hands against the tiled wall and let your head hang down. A few minutes breathing in the steam worked to open your nasal passages and more importantly, your lungs.
Tightness had been building in your chest since last night and out of all the symptoms, that was the most troubling. Not even that heavy duty decongestant cut it, and that stuff always helped. Thankfully, Granddad’s method never let you down. You breathed as deeply as you could, until the coughing it caused made the room spin and your knees go wobbly.
You sank down onto the wall bench and turned the water off. You shivered and tried to work up a bit of strength to dry off and get dressed. Utterly exhausted, even the thought of standing was enough to tire you. Of course, you knew if you sat there long enough, Dean would come searching for you. Potentially naked or not.
Then:
The shrill scream cut through the bunker, reaching Dean even through his headphones. He was on his feet and down the hall as another shout echoed from the shower room. A twist of the handle didn’t yield entry. Sam was out on a supply run, which meant you were the one trapped inside.
Dean took a step back and splintered the door off its hinges with a single kick.
Gun drawn, he burst into the steam filled room, “Y/N?!”
You were standing on top of one of the teak benches that lined the shower wall. Soaking wet with shampoo suds cascading down your very naked body. Your already wide eyes got even bigger, and you screamed again. You crossed your arms over your breasts and crouched down into a ball, it was the quickest option for modesty.
“Dean!”
He peered through the steam and the still running water, gun still drawn, “YN, what the hell?! What’s going on?!”
“Spider.”
He blinked, twice. “What?”
You pointed a watery finger towards the middle of the tiled floor, “By the drain. Huge, HUGE spider.”
Dean tucked his gun into the back waistband of his jeans, “Damn it, Y/N. I thought you were being attacked!”
“Why would I be attacked? You guys said this bunker is the safest place on Earth!”
Dean angrily threw a towel at you. “You were screaming bloody murder! What the hell else was I going to think?!”
You wrapped the towel around your body, tucking It securely under your arms. “I don’t like spiders, okay?”
“We just got back from a freaking ghoul hunt, with dead bodies and gore and guts… the whole nine. You didn’t flinch once, but a bug’s got you clutching your pearls?”
“It’s an irrational fear, professor,” you replied, switching the water off. “But since you’re here to rescue me… would you please?”
Dean rolled his eyes but inspected the drain all the same. “I don’t see a spider.”
“What?!” You looked around frantically, then grabbed Dean’s arm and pointed, “There! In the corner.”
He pulled his red handkerchief from his pocket, “Alright, I got him.”
“Wait! Don’t kill him! Just… catch and release.”
“You’re awfully picky for a damsel in distress,” Dean muttered. “Is this one of your superstitions, like that cricket in Rhode Island? Is it bad luck to kill a north-facing spider on a Tuesday?”
“Nearly every culture believes that killing a cricket brings bad luck.”
“You know what brings really bad luck? Going into a vamp nest on no sleep because a fucking cricket was cruising for a date in our bathtub!”
“That spider doesn’t deserve to die because of my fear. I just… I don’t want to kill anything else. Not now, not if I don’t have to. Do you?”
You raised your beautiful, luminous eyes and searched out his. His heart beat in double time and he was suddenly acutely aware of the tiniest details. Tendrils of your hair dripped water like diamonds on your shoulders and collarbones. Your skin glowed a healthy pink, you probably used that fluffy loofa thing you always left hanging on faucet. The scent of your favorite soap hung heavy in the air… what was it? Ginger peach? God, he loved it! You had lotion that went with it and a tiny hand sanitizer that you kept in your purse. It made his whole car smell like you when you used it, even after you were gone.
Dean gave himself a mental shake. In under five minutes you had taken him on an emotional rollercoaster from panic to irritation to confusion to completely mesmerized. How did you do that?! It was happening more and more. Every time he was around you, he discovered another piece of the puzzle. He could never predict what you were going to say, but somehow it was always just what he needed to hear. You voiced the emotions that he had never been able to put into words.
“No,” he said at last. “I don’t want to kill anything else either.”
Now:
Dean was at the stove when you shuffled into the kitchen. He smiled at you over his shoulder while you sat at the table. You were in your Christmas leggings and yet another of his missing shirts. Your face wasn’t as flushed as it had been when you first woke up, a positive sign.
“Hope you’ve got your appetite back, because this batch of tomato rice soup is on point.”
“Your cooking is always on point,” you smiled wanly as he set down a bowl in front of you.
“You’re not wrong,” he replied, running his hand over your forehead. “Fever’s down. You feel better?”
“The shower helped.”
“You smell like a candy cane,” he chuckled, taking a massive bite of his sandwich.
“Peppermint oil. For congestion,” you explained.
You considered the man across the table from you as you silently ate your soup. You couldn’t properly taste it, but it was warm and soothed your raw throat. You’d known Dean Winchester for five years and there were still moments like this, moments where you felt like you were seeing him clearly for the first time. The delightful domestic behind the swagger and the grit. He took such pure joy in the mundane that it was hard not to get swept up in it. The greatest hunter in the world was also the kindest. Surely there was some sort of cosmic balance working itself out there, but you were too tired to reflect on it.
“So,” Dean said, pulling you from your thoughts. “You up for a little movie marathon in the Dean cave?”
“That would depend on what’s showing.”
“Lady’s choice. So long as it doesn’t have subtitles.”
“La Dolce Vita is a classic!”
“Die Hard is a classic,” Dean countered. “Plus, it’s a Christmas movie so it counts double.”
“Ugh, fine. You big baby.” You thought for a moment, covering a cough with the back of your hand. “How about Ghostbusters?”
Dean grinned at that, “Yeah?”
“Or Stripes or um… Caddyshack. Mom was a Bill Murray fan; we always watched him when I was sick.”
“Sounds like Mom had good taste,” Dean picked up the dishes and headed to the sink. “Why don’t you go find a comfortable spot on the couch? I’ll be right behind you.”
Laughter always was the best medicine. And Dean always was the best cuddler. He brought his gigantic triple thick comforter from his bed and tucked the two of you under it as the 80’s classic played on the flatscreen. It didn’t take long for the full stomach and the warm hunter to lull you back into a deep sleep. You were out before the credits rolled.
Your hacking cough that woke Dean hours later. It was different this time, you were coughing so much that you couldn’t seem to catch your breath. He was right behind you as you hunched over the arm of the couch. As he rubbed your back, he could feel how deeply your lungs rattled. It was a distinct, wet sounding cough that shook your whole frame. Heat from your spiked fever radiated through your shirt to his palm.
He was saying something to you, but you couldn’t make out the words, only the soothing tone of his voice. You were truly miserable. Your head ached with every cough and when you finally managed to stop hacking, you struggled to catch your breath. A glass of water floated in front of you, and you drank it greedily.
One word broke through your haze: Doctor. You didn’t really hear him say it, but the implication was there.
To his surprise, and as a testament to how awful you felt, you nodded your agreement. The relief was evident in his voice, “There’s my girl. Stay put; I’m going to warm up the car.”
As Dean left, you took stock. The fever ravaging your system left you feeling disgusting, but you were too tired do anything about it. Your head was pounding from the coughing fit and your chest was so tight it was painful to draw breath. You looked down at your pajamas; the snowflake leggings and borrowed shirt were hardly a fashion choice, but they would have to do.
There was an awful taste in your mouth had to go. You could manage a swish of mouthwash, even if you had to sit on the toilet to do it.
The minute your stocking feet touched the ground, everything changed. Your chest got painfully tight. The feeling of a crushing weight on your chest, as if Dean had driven his car over you and parked it. The room started to spin and not even holding on to the table made the world steady. You went down with a thump, landing hard on your ass. Breathing became like sucking air through a tiny straw, you simply couldn’t. Your mouth gaped open as you tried and failed to draw air. Panic swiftly set in as your fingers and toes went numb from lack of oxygen. Your vision blurred and went dark around the edges. You dropped to your side and prayed Dean would be quick.
He was gone five minutes, tops. The sight of you curled on the floor had him shouting for Sam as he quickly knelt beside you.
“Y/N! Baby, look at me, I’m right here... Sam!!”
You tired to talk but, no sound came out. Your hand was on your chest and there was a wheezing sound. Tears formed at the corners of your eyes.
Shit! He wasn’t sure what had caused this attack, but it didn’t matter. He had you in his arms as Sam burst through the doorway
Sam’s eyes went wide as he took in your pale features and distress, “What the hell?!”
“Hospital now, you’re driving!”
By the time the Impala was squealing out of the bunker’s garage, you were fully unconscious. Your limp body sagged against Dean’s chest while he tried to get you to respond. Sam was alternating between watching the road and checking the rearview on your deteriorating condition. His foot pressed the accelerator down, pushing the Impala to the limit.
“What the fuck happened? I thought she just had a cold.”
“Its this cough, she couldn’t shake it.” Dean kept you upright in his lap, knowing it was the easiest position for you to breathe in. He could feel you losing the battle, even your lips were turning from red and chapped to slightly blue and it scared the hell out of him.
How the hell did you get this bad so quickly? He had kept a close eye on you, kept your fever under control, kept you hydrated. It just didn’t make any sense! If he didn’t know any better, he’d have thought you had… asthma.
Flashes came to Dean’s mind; puzzle pieces fell into place. The vaporizer in your room billowing out peppermint was not a new addition; you took it with you everywhere. It made even the grossest motel rooms halfway pleasant. You always kept a scarf wrapped around your neck if the weather was even a little cold, and you pulled it up over your nose when the wind got bitter. Even that time you helped them burn a body. You turned away from the pyre and pulled that scarf up… Dean thought it was the smell that got to you.
“Shit,” he muttered, digging through your purse as Sam got closer to the city limits. He pulled out a metal tube with a plastic dispenser.
“Son of a bitch!”
Sam’s eyes caught the reflection, “Is that an inhaler?”
Turning it over, Dean read the prescription. “She’s fucking asthmatic!”
He steadied your lolling head with his hand and brought the inhaler to your mouth, “Okay, baby… this medicine is gonna help you. Breathe it in for me.”
He dispensed two puffs into your mouth and prayed the meds got down into your lungs. Was it the right thing to do? Use an inhaler on an unconscious person? Dean had no idea, but he was going to do whatever he needed to do to save you. He cradled you on his lap and prayed as Sam pulled into the Lebanon Hospital parking lot.
Part Two
TAGLIST
@deans-baby-momma
@muchamusedaboutnothing
@peterpangirl21
@ficbreaks
@teresa-67
@sacriceria
@verytoadpapersoul
@heartbreak-of-a-marauder
@savspersonalproperty
@deanwanddamons
@jenwinchester40
@perpetualabsurdity
@starryeyeseunbyul
@sexyvixen7
@katsbratsupernaturalwhore
@agirlwithdemonblood
@jerkbitchidjitassbutt
@imthedoctorlove
@roonyxx
@smellingofpoetry
@deanwinchesterswitch
@thinkinghardhardlythinking
@pink-sparkly-witch
@barewithme02
@deadlynightshadeindustries
@jc-winchester
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@kinderousmaster
@lyarr24
@aphorism-001
@onlinecemetery
@allonsy-yesiwill
@myeagletoadmaker
#dean x reader#dean winchester fanfiction#spn fic#supernatural#dean x you#sickfic#dean x sick!reader#Breathe Free#jensen ackles fanfiction#jensen x reader#jensen ackles x y/n#jensen x you#dean x y/n
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Breathe Free (Part One)
Summary: You were perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, thank you very much! Dean knew that, he also knew better. He’d seen you sick plenty of times in the past five years, but this was different. This was much more than a cold, but you were so stubborn about doctors! Dean Winchester isn’t about to let you slip away, even if it means going against your wishes. He only hopes he’s not too late!
Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader, Dean x Reader, Dean x You
Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Reader
Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Sickfic, Sick!Reader, Hospitals, Kissing, fluff
Word Count: 5447
One Shot - Two Parts
Author’s Notes: I have been sick with Covid for a month. Well… down sick for 2 ½ weeks and recovering my stamina for 2 more. Its been a real bitch. Plus my disabled mother has it now. This is following a nervous breakdown I had in June. Writing has been my passion and my mental health balm, but I’ve not been able to produce anything in months. So this… this is a fucking triumph!!
I’m still working on all my other WIP, so please stick around. I’ll get there… eventually :)
I’m hoping to finish part two shortly and post in a week… ish.
Thank you all for the continued support!
Masterlist
Breathe Free (Part Two)
You were going to kill him. Honestly. If this fucking cold didn’t finish you off, you were going to make it your life’s mission to succeed where every bloody monster, demi-god, angel, demon, and creator of all had failed. Ridding the world of Dean Winchester would be a public service at this point. The church would canonize you for this! There would be bank holidays and parades in your honor. Maybe an annual postage stamp? A drink named after you at the local bar, at the least.
Of course, you’d have to live long enough to carry out your plan for fame and fortune. As it was, your odds were 50/50. Congestion, muscle aches, dizziness, sore throat, non-existent appetite and low-grade fever. How is it that each of these symptoms alone were minor? Almost unnoticeable. You could easily carry out any task battling them one on one. Yet together they took you down hard. It was unfair and utterly ridiculous! Not to mention hugely inconvenient.
It was probably that sneezing sheriff from that last case. You had to introduce him of the concept of personal space more than once. The douchebag said it was just allergies. Contagious creep!
Still, you were home now. Back at the bunker with three bags worth of pharmacy remedies to ease your pain until the virus ran it’s course. All you had to do was make it to your room and you could drown yourself in cough syrup and peppermint oil. Unfortunately, Dean was not making it easy.
“You sound like shit, Y/N.”
“Well, I feel like shit, so that tracks.”
You coughed harshly into the crook of your elbow as you trudged down the metal stairs behind Dean. Sam followed behind you, carrying your bags and his. Gentleman that he was. Levelheaded and sensible, God must have given Dean’s portion of those admirable qualities to his brother.
“That cough is getting worse,” Dean said, tossing his duffle down on the war room table.
“That’s because you won’t shut up.”
“What does that have to do with it?”
“Because you keep baiting me into conversation with all of your pushy opinions. If you didn’t make me talk so much, I wouldn’t be coughing so much!” You broke off into a hacking fit that proved your point in your mind. This was entirely his fault!
“That’s ridiculous. You’ve been talking non-stop since we met you five years ago and you never coughed up a lung because of it.” Dean shook his head and looked to his brother, “Sam, help me out here.”
Sam usually occupied neutral territory during these debates, but one look at you and he sided with Dean. “Why don’t we go get you checked out, Y/N?”
“I got checked out in Billings, they said it wasn’t Covid. It’s probably just a run of the mill virus.”
“That guy was like twelve,” Dean scoffed. “I’m surprised he knew what to do with swab.”
“He was a doctor, Dean!”
“Debatable.”
“There’s no harm in a second opinion,” Sam pointed out.
You were so tired you just wanted to cry. Why were they being so hard-headed about this? Typical! Men always think they know everything. It was all so simple for them, they never had to jump through the hoops that you did when getting care. It was always the same when you went to the doctor, which is why you never went. Doctors who dismiss your symptoms and bill you for the privilege. If you were up to your usual fiery disposition, you’d launch into a lengthy explanation, but you just didn’t have it in you.
“If I could get a decent one, I’d consider it. But the fucking truth is, I won’t. Not without a fight and I just don’t think it’s worth it. I’m not dying, I’m not bleeding. I’ve got a cold, a really shitty one that I hope to God neither of you get because dealing with sick Winchesters might actually finish me off.”
Dean frowned down at you, “What do you mean? What is it with you and doctors?”
“I do not have it in me to explain to you the numerous and colossal failings of the American healthcare system, so I am going to simply say this. It’s my health and I still get a choice. So, I’m going to my room where I can die in peace and hopefully tomorrow, I will be rise like the Phoenix with clear sinuses. If not, then my ghost will haunt this bunker and you two will have to fight over my George Carlin collection.”
Dean blinked at you for a moment, “You know, we killed a phoenix a few years back.”
You rolled your eyes and started down the hall towards the bedrooms. “If either of you wake me before noon, I’m licking every doorknob in this place.”
“It’s a great story, we had to time travel!” he shouted after you.
You voice echoed back, along with a few coughs, “I’m using your pillowcase to blow my nose!”
“I don’t like this, Sammy.”
Sam picked up his own duffle, “Of course you don’t. Your mother hen instincts go into overdrive whenever any of us gets sick. Remember Fort Worth?”
“Food poisoning, God that was awful. The pair of you were doubled over the toilet for three days from a damn salad.”
“And Nashville?”
“Shark week,” Dean muttered, remembering you curled up with a heating pad while he and Sam hunted vampires. You wouldn’t even talk to them, just whimpered occasionally and buried your head under the covers.
“Right. She doesn’t get sick often, but when she does all she wants to do is sleep. The more you try to help the more it irritates her. Just leave her be, she’ll let us know if she needs anything.”
That earned a frown from the older brother, as did the sound of another sneeze down the hall. You were a damn stubborn mule when you wanted to be, but that didn’t bother Dean. It was a useful quality that served you well in the field. But you tended to double down when you were hurt or scared, making a challenge for people who loved you to help.
And Dean did love you.
He came to that conclusion long ago when you burst in on him fighting off a werewolf in your barn. Barefoot, with a sawed-off shotgun in your hands. You were fearless, clocked the beast right between the eyes.
Then:
“Are you alright?”
Dean rolled the dead body off him and got to his feet. He quickly took measure of the woman standing in the opened doorway. Silk short shorts and camisole peeked out from under a worn buffalo check flannel. Blood ran down bare legs and splattered in the cloud of wild curls that framed a pretty face. Angel with a shotgun.
Her expression was one of concern, but she kept a tight hold on her weapon. Smart girl.
“I should be asking you that question.”
You glanced down at the blood stains, “It’s not mine. My neighbor he, ah…I don’t know. He went… rabid. I put him down, didn’t want to hurt him, but he came at me…”
“If you hadn’t, he would have killed you. Or turned you. It was a mercy, believe me.”
You took solace in that. With a nod, you lowered your gun and glanced over at the werewolf, dead on the ground.
“I don’t suppose there’s a monster removal service we call in a situation like this?”
“It’s your lucky day Sweetheart, cause that’s me.” Dean stuck his hand out to you, “Dean Winchester, monster remover extraordinaire.”
You grinned, pulling your lower lip between your teeth and your eyes warmed up. It was a look he knew well; he’d seen it in women countless times. You thought he was cute. You put your hand in his for a handshake and he winked. You laughed softly, confirming his theory. You thought he was adorable, or at least charming. A good start!
“Y/N Y/L/N.”
“Y/N. Pretty name. If you’ve got a shovel around here, I’ll take care of this. Then we can decide what to do about your neighbor.”
You grabbed a pair of shovels along with your rubber gardening boots that you kept by the potting bench.
“I built the retaining wall in the west garden by myself last summer,” you said, pulling the boots on. “I’m handy with a shovel.”
There was a glint of respect in his gaze as he studied you. It wasn’t every day he met a beautiful woman who offered to help him dig a grave in middle of the night. In her pajamas.
He glanced at the dead body then back to you. “You sure?”
“I’ve been saving this bottle of Canadian whiskey for something special. I think digging my first grave is the occasion I’ve been waiting for.”
Dean was a grade-A smart ass and never at a loss for a clever comeback. But damn if you didn’t knock him speechless. Standing in the middle of a falling down barn with a dead werewolf only a few feet away and blood splattered all over… you were the sexiest woman he’d ever laid eyes on. He was a confident man who loved women. When he met a woman he liked, he turned on the charm, pursued her. Simple. But you… you held challenge in your eyes, pride in the tilt of your jaw and confidence in the carriage of your body.
You were a match to be met.
“Well Y/N, lets earn that whiskey.”
Now:
The following morning, you didn’t come out of your room for breakfast. When he still hadn’t seen you by noon, he decided to hell with it. Even if you bit his head off, he was damn well going to check on you. He was Dean Winchester, damn it! He’d faced the Devil himself; he could handle a cranky woman with a head cold.
He stood quietly outside your bedroom, straining to hear any sign that you were awake. A moment later you broke into a series of coughs, and he took the opportunity to knock.
“Y/N?” He cracked the door open and stuck his head inside.
Your room was dark except for the glow from your laptop and the tiny light from the vaporizer billowing out peppermint scented air. Your bed was huge and took up most of the room. A king-sized masterpiece of cloud-like fluffiness and ruffles. Princess and the Pea inspired mattress topper and ivory striped pillows stuffed with goose down. Dean bragged about his memory-foam mattress so often that you took it as a challenge when they invited you pick a room and make it your own. The bed itself was so big it wouldn’t fit through any door in the bunker, begging the question… how did you manage it?
You’d teased Dean for weeks, refusing to tell him the simple cheat. Castiel did it for you.
Then:
“You’ve gotta be kidding me! I pray to his feathery ass for weeks with no answer and you just up and ask him to move your princess bed and he does it? Poof?”
“Well, yeah. I said please.”
“It’s very… white.”
“I know. We go so many gross places, skeevy motels and hunts covered in monster goop. I wanted something clean. You know?”
Now:
With the abundance of pillows and blankets piled on the bed, it was hard to make out your form in the middle of it all. Dean stepped over your discarded shoes and hunting clothes. There were piles of crumpled tissues all over the floor, cough drop wrappers and half drank bottles of water.
“What time is it?” you asked from the mountain of covers.
“Just past noon,” he replied, coming closer to the bed. “Thought maybe you’d want lunch.”
You shook your head and Dean could see you a bit clearer in the light of the computer. Your face was flushed more than it was the night before and your eyes were dull. You looked utterly miserable.
He sat on the side of the bed; his hand went to your forehead. You didn’t even pull away, “Fever. You take anything for it?”
Your finger pointed to the table littered with over-the-counter drugs and bottles. You’d taken everything for it, but nothing really helped.
“You get any sleep last night?”
“No,” you said on a sneeze, then groaned. “This blows. You should leave so I don’t give you the plague.”
“Hmm.” He stood there for a minute, then disappeared out into the hallway.
You burrowed back under your covers with a shiver, for the first time in his life, Dean Winchester actually did as you asked. You must be in worse shape than you thought.
A few minutes later, he reappeared with a large mug in his hands. “Wanna sit up, Sweetheart? I’ve got something special for you.”
With a grunt, you untangled yourself from the bedding and sat up against the padded headboard. He smiled fondly, you looked adorable, even as sick as you were. Your hair was held back in twin French braids that were starting to come loose and you were using one of his missing Henley’s for a night shirt. A few sizes too big, it hung off one of your shoulders.
“I was wondering where that went.”
You were confused for a second then tugged self-consciously at the collar buttons. “It made its way into my rotation after that Wendigo hunt.”
“Looks better on you anyway,” he held out the mug to you. “Drink this nice and slow, it’ll take care of that cough so you can sleep.”
“What is it?” you asked, stirring the steaming liquid with the cinnamon stick that propped against the rim.
“That is Bobby Singer’s patented, super-secret, cure all hot toddy. Sammy used to get sick all the time when we were kids, that stuff always put him right.”
You took a sip, it indeed soothed your throat and although you couldn’t really taste it, the burn of alcohol was distinct.
“Wow, how much whiskey is in Bobby’s hot toddy?”
“Enough to send you off to dreamland.” He stood and turned to leave. He knew you didn’t want to be bothered and now that you’d accepted his help, he felt a bit more confident in leaving you. For a while.
“I’ll be back in a couple of hours and see if you can stomach some soup and crackers. Your meds will work better if you eat.”
He was almost to the door when you stopped him, “Dean?”
“Yeah?”
“How’d you kill the phoenix?”
“It’s a… a long story.”
You gave a small shrug, feeling silly. You’d made such a fuss yesterday about being left alone and now you found you wanted him to stay.
“I’m not exactly going anywhere.”
That earned you a genuine smile from him. He toed off his shoes and launched himself into the middle of your bed with a bellyflop.
“Dean!” You laughed, covering the top of the mug so the contents wouldn’t spill.
He made a big show of climbing up over the mountain of blankets and pillows, “Jesus, Y/N! How do you sleep on this pile of marshmallow fluff?”
“Shut it. You’ve been dying to try my bed since the day I moved in.”
“Who says I haven’t? Remember that trip you took to Jody’s last month? Sammy and I had a great time painting our toes and talking about boys in here.”
“Shut up,” you said with a cough.
“He wanted to try on your underwear, but I drew the line,” he teased, pulling you in close so he could wrap his arm around your shoulders. “Comfortable?”
You tucked into his side and let your aching head rest on his chest. “Mmm.”
“Good. So, the year was 1861 and the place was Sunrise, Wyoming.”
Hours later, long after the hot toddy had done its job, you were deep asleep when Dean woke up. He was unbelievably hot, and you were the cause. Obviously, your fever had spiked. Sweat dotted your brow and soaked through your clothes to the point he was feeling damp where you were cuddled against him. He gently eased you off, feeling your forehead with a frown.
“Y/N? Wake up, sweetheart.”
You grumbled in your sleep and burrowed deeper under the covers when he pulled them back.
“Come on, Y/N,” he urged, pulling a thermometer from his shirt pocket.
You were only halfway awake when you realized there was a thin, glass tube under your tongue. “Wha thmm hemmm?”
“103.” He brushed the hair back that had stuck to your temples. “I think I should take you to the E.R. High fevers are nothing to mess around with.”
You shook your head, coughing deeply. “The meds just wore off.”
He handed you a box of tissues, “I think you need more than cough syrup and Tylenol. Let me take you to get looked at.”
“I’ll be okay Dean; I just need to give it time.”
Behind the exhaustion and illness, he could see flicker of fear in your eyes, and he was torn. The last thing he wanted was to push you or take away your choice, but he wasn’t going to let this get out of control.
He sighed heavily, “Okay, we’ll try it your way. On two conditions. One, you need to eat something, so you keep your strength up.”
“Okay,” you agreed, trying not to cough again. “And two?”
“If this gets worse, you’ll let me take you to the doctor.” He could feel you instantly withdraw, but he wasn’t going to let you. This was too important. He crooked a finger under your chin, gently coaxing you to look at him.
“I know it scares you, you don’t have to tell me why. Trust me, I’ll take care of you Y/N.”
Your reluctance met with his resolve and after a moment, you nodded. “Okay.”
“That’s my girl,” Dean praised, brushing a kiss across your forehead. “Now, if you’re very good, I’ll bring you a bowl of tomato rice soup.”
“With that bacon cheddar panini you made last time?”
“Woman after my own heart,” Dean said. He climbed out of the bed, then noticed you doing the same.
“Whoa, wait a minute. Where do you think you’re going?”
“A shower, I feel disgusting,” you muttered, pawing through the bottles on the nightstand.
“No way, that fever is way too high. And you use water hot enough to burn off fingerprints.”
You tossed back a couple of Tylenol with a generous swallow of water. “If I smell as awful as I feel, then you shouldn’t be discouraging me.”
“Y/N…”
“Super quick, more of a rinse than a shower.”
“Ten minutes. Any longer and I’m coming in after you.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time,” you replied, gathering a fresh set of pajamas.
“Keep that water tepid,” he called after you.
Once you were alone in the shower room, you turned on the water and allowed yourself the coughing fit you’d been holding in. Dean was worried enough about you. As sweet as he was, there was a claustrophobic feeling bubbling within you. It came from a childhood spent as a sick kid. Parents, teachers, doctors all seemed to hover. Stealing your air and breathing down your neck.
Hidden in the clean clothes were two small bottles of essential oils. An old remedy passed down from your grandpa. You striped down and stepped under the water. It wasn’t nearly as warm as you’d like it, but it was better than nothing. You uncapped the bottles and sprinkled the contents over the floor. They mixed with the heat and made a fragrant steam of peppermint and eucalyptus. You braced your hands against the tiled wall and let your head hang down. A few minutes breathing in the steam worked to open your nasal passages and more importantly, your lungs.
Tightness had been building in your chest since last night and out of all the symptoms, that was the most troubling. Not even that heavy duty decongestant cut it, and that stuff always helped. Thankfully, Granddad’s method never let you down. You breathed as deeply as you could, until the coughing it caused made the room spin and your knees go wobbly.
You sank down onto the wall bench and turned the water off. You shivered and tried to work up a bit of strength to dry off and get dressed. Utterly exhausted, even the thought of standing was enough to tire you. Of course, you knew if you sat there long enough, Dean would come searching for you. Potentially naked or not.
Then:
The shrill scream cut through the bunker, reaching Dean even through his headphones. He was on his feet and down the hall as another shout echoed from the shower room. A twist of the handle didn’t yield entry. Sam was out on a supply run, which meant you were the one trapped inside.
Dean took a step back and splintered the door off its hinges with a single kick.
Gun drawn, he burst into the steam filled room, “Y/N?!”
You were standing on top of one of the teak benches that lined the shower wall. Soaking wet with shampoo suds cascading down your very naked body. Your already wide eyes got even bigger, and you screamed again. You crossed your arms over your breasts and crouched down into a ball, it was the quickest option for modesty.
“Dean!”
He peered through the steam and the still running water, gun still drawn, “YN, what the hell?! What’s going on?!”
“Spider.”
He blinked, twice. “What?”
You pointed a watery finger towards the middle of the tiled floor, “By the drain. Huge, HUGE spider.”
Dean tucked his gun into the back waistband of his jeans, “Damn it, Y/N. I thought you were being attacked!”
“Why would I be attacked? You guys said this bunker is the safest place on Earth!”
Dean angrily threw a towel at you. “You were screaming bloody murder! What the hell else was I going to think?!”
You wrapped the towel around your body, tucking It securely under your arms. “I don’t like spiders, okay?”
“We just got back from a freaking ghoul hunt, with dead bodies and gore and guts… the whole nine. You didn’t flinch once, but a bug’s got you clutching your pearls?”
“It’s an irrational fear, professor,” you replied, switching the water off. “But since you’re here to rescue me… would you please?”
Dean rolled his eyes but inspected the drain all the same. “I don’t see a spider.”
“What?!” You looked around frantically, then grabbed Dean’s arm and pointed, “There! In the corner.”
He pulled his red handkerchief from his pocket, “Alright, I got him.”
“Wait! Don’t kill him! Just… catch and release.”
“You’re awfully picky for a damsel in distress,” Dean muttered. “Is this one of your superstitions, like that cricket in Rhode Island? Is it bad luck to kill a north-facing spider on a Tuesday?”
“Nearly every culture believes that killing a cricket brings bad luck.”
“You know what brings really bad luck? Going into a vamp nest on no sleep because a fucking cricket was cruising for a date in our bathtub!”
“That spider doesn’t deserve to die because of my fear. I just… I don’t want to kill anything else. Not now, not if I don’t have to. Do you?”
You raised your beautiful, luminous eyes and searched out his. His heart beat in double time and he was suddenly acutely aware of the tiniest details. Tendrils of your hair dripped water like diamonds on your shoulders and collarbones. Your skin glowed a healthy pink, you probably used that fluffy loofa thing you always left hanging on faucet. The scent of your favorite soap hung heavy in the air… what was it? Ginger peach? God, he loved it! You had lotion that went with it and a tiny hand sanitizer that you kept in your purse. It made his whole car smell like you when you used it, even after you were gone.
Dean gave himself a mental shake. In under five minutes you had taken him on an emotional rollercoaster from panic to irritation to confusion to completely mesmerized. How did you do that?! It was happening more and more. Every time he was around you, he discovered another piece of the puzzle. He could never predict what you were going to say, but somehow it was always just what he needed to hear. You voiced the emotions that he had never been able to put into words.
“No,” he said at last. “I don’t want to kill anything else either.”
Now:
Dean was at the stove when you shuffled into the kitchen. He smiled at you over his shoulder while you sat at the table. You were in your Christmas leggings and yet another of his missing shirts. Your face wasn’t as flushed as it had been when you first woke up, a positive sign.
“Hope you’ve got your appetite back, because this batch of tomato rice soup is on point.”
“Your cooking is always on point,” you smiled wanly as he set down a bowl in front of you.
“You’re not wrong,” he replied, running his hand over your forehead. “Fever’s down. You feel better?”
“The shower helped.”
“You smell like a candy cane,” he chuckled, taking a massive bite of his sandwich.
“Peppermint oil. For congestion,” you explained.
You considered the man across the table from you as you silently ate your soup. You couldn’t properly taste it, but it was warm and soothed your raw throat. You’d known Dean Winchester for five years and there were still moments like this, moments where you felt like you were seeing him clearly for the first time. The delightful domestic behind the swagger and the grit. He took such pure joy in the mundane that it was hard not to get swept up in it. The greatest hunter in the world was also the kindest. Surely there was some sort of cosmic balance working itself out there, but you were too tired to reflect on it.
“So,” Dean said, pulling you from your thoughts. “You up for a little movie marathon in the Dean cave?”
“That would depend on what’s showing.”
“Lady’s choice. So long as it doesn’t have subtitles.”
“La Dolce Vita is a classic!”
“Die Hard is a classic,” Dean countered. “Plus, it’s a Christmas movie so it counts double.”
“Ugh, fine. You big baby.” You thought for a moment, covering a cough with the back of your hand. “How about Ghostbusters?”
Dean grinned at that, “Yeah?”
“Or Stripes or um… Caddyshack. Mom was a Bill Murray fan; we always watched him when I was sick.”
“Sounds like Mom had good taste,” Dean picked up the dishes and headed to the sink. “Why don’t you go find a comfortable spot on the couch? I’ll be right behind you.”
Laughter always was the best medicine. And Dean always was the best cuddler. He brought his gigantic triple thick comforter from his bed and tucked the two of you under it as the 80’s classic played on the flatscreen. It didn’t take long for the full stomach and the warm hunter to lull you back into a deep sleep. You were out before the credits rolled.
Your hacking cough that woke Dean hours later. It was different this time, you were coughing so much that you couldn’t seem to catch your breath. He was right behind you as you hunched over the arm of the couch. As he rubbed your back, he could feel how deeply your lungs rattled. It was a distinct, wet sounding cough that shook your whole frame. Heat from your spiked fever radiated through your shirt to his palm.
He was saying something to you, but you couldn’t make out the words, only the soothing tone of his voice. You were truly miserable. Your head ached with every cough and when you finally managed to stop hacking, you struggled to catch your breath. A glass of water floated in front of you, and you drank it greedily.
One word broke through your haze: Doctor. You didn’t really hear him say it, but the implication was there.
To his surprise, and as a testament to how awful you felt, you nodded your agreement. The relief was evident in his voice, “There’s my girl. Stay put; I’m going to warm up the car.”
As Dean left, you took stock. The fever ravaging your system left you feeling disgusting, but you were too tired do anything about it. Your head was pounding from the coughing fit and your chest was so tight it was painful to draw breath. You looked down at your pajamas; the snowflake leggings and borrowed shirt were hardly a fashion choice, but they would have to do.
There was an awful taste in your mouth had to go. You could manage a swish of mouthwash, even if you had to sit on the toilet to do it.
The minute your stocking feet touched the ground, everything changed. Your chest got painfully tight. The feeling of a crushing weight on your chest, as if Dean had driven his car over you and parked it. The room started to spin and not even holding on to the table made the world steady. You went down with a thump, landing hard on your ass. Breathing became like sucking air through a tiny straw, you simply couldn’t. Your mouth gaped open as you tried and failed to draw air. Panic swiftly set in as your fingers and toes went numb from lack of oxygen. Your vision blurred and went dark around the edges. You dropped to your side and prayed Dean would be quick.
He was gone five minutes, tops. The sight of you curled on the floor had him shouting for Sam as he quickly knelt beside you.
“Y/N! Baby, look at me, I’m right here… Sam!!”
You tired to talk but, no sound came out. Your hand was on your chest and there was a wheezing sound. Tears formed at the corners of your eyes.
Shit! He wasn’t sure what had caused this attack, but it didn’t matter. He had you in his arms as Sam burst through the doorway
Sam’s eyes went wide as he took in your pale features and distress, “What the hell?!”
“Hospital now, you’re driving!”
By the time the Impala was squealing out of the bunker’s garage, you were fully unconscious. Your limp body sagged against Dean’s chest while he tried to get you to respond. Sam was alternating between watching the road and checking the rearview on your deteriorating condition. His foot pressed the accelerator down, pushing the Impala to the limit.
“What the fuck happened? I thought she just had a cold.”
“Its this cough, she couldn’t shake it.” Dean kept you upright in his lap, knowing it was the easiest position for you to breathe in. He could feel you losing the battle, even your lips were turning from red and chapped to slightly blue and it scared the hell out of him.
How the hell did you get this bad so quickly? He had kept a close eye on you, kept your fever under control, kept you hydrated. It just didn’t make any sense! If he didn’t know any better, he’d have thought you had… asthma.
Flashes came to Dean’s mind; puzzle pieces fell into place. The vaporizer in your room billowing out peppermint was not a new addition; you took it with you everywhere. It made even the grossest motel rooms halfway pleasant. You always kept a scarf wrapped around your neck if the weather was even a little cold, and you pulled it up over your nose when the wind got bitter. Even that time you helped them burn a body. You turned away from the pyre and pulled that scarf up… Dean thought it was the smell that got to you.
“Shit,” he muttered, digging through your purse as Sam got closer to the city limits. He pulled out a metal tube with a plastic dispenser.
“Son of a bitch!”
Sam’s eyes caught the reflection, “Is that an inhaler?”
Turning it over, Dean read the prescription. “She’s fucking asthmatic!”
He steadied your lolling head with his hand and brought the inhaler to your mouth, “Okay, baby… this medicine is gonna help you. Breathe it in for me.”
He dispensed two puffs into your mouth and prayed the meds got down into your lungs. Was it the right thing to do? Use an inhaler on an unconscious person? Dean had no idea, but he was going to do whatever he needed to do to save you. He cradled you on his lap and prayed as Sam pulled into the Lebanon Hospital parking lot.
#dean x reader#dean winchester fanfiction#dean x y/n#dean x you#dean winchester#jensen x reader#jensen ackles#jensen x y/n#supernatural#spn fic#Breathe Free
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2021.02.16 1st talk session of Meguro Rock-May-KanGIG at Zepp Yokohama
Zepp Yokohama is a such a nice venue, I really hope we will get to see dir play there live properly!
The concert recorded at Meguro RockMayKan was great! The setlist surprised me quite a lot (especially encore!!!)! And I think that was the smallest stage I ever saw dir on!😆 the footage definitely deserves a separate entry and I don't want to spoil anyone if they go to next events.
After the concert film screening staff quickly prepared the stage, bringing two long tables and four chairs, they also placed a water bottle at each seat.
Punctually (thank you for not repeating Nagoya's situation😆), at 3:30 Fujieda came on stage and started with greeting everyone, and asking us to greet the band members with applause.
After a moment of uncertainty (even as my heart was almost set it will be Kyo) Die came on stage with Kyo after him.٩( ˆoˆ )۶
They both looked super classy. Die had a dark grey suit with a long jacket, his usual award winning hair and wore sunglasses.
Kyo had a black jacket (with a round Chanel pin) and shirt, green hair, he wore glasses (not sunglasses).
When they sat (Kyo stood in front of the chair first until Fujieda gestured them to sit) F asked them to introduce themselves.
D: ども、Dieです
K: 京です
...and then F announced 'today is Kyo's birthday!' and a birthday song melody began to play😆
Kyo turned on his murder face glaring at Fujieda who happily observed 'oh what's this song?'😂
The soft Happy Birthday melody got then a guitar joining in and Takabayashi came on the stage carrying a small strawberry shortcake (with a chocolate message おめでとう京さん) which of course he placed in front of Kyo.
We couldn't sing but we clapped.
Kyo snatched a strawberry and popped it in his mouth. He gestured 'throat slashing' looking at Fujieda😂
And then ate another strawberry🍓😂
F: the song was made by Die.
K: (only interested in the cake) Could I get a fork?
(staff went to get him one)
F: how do you feel? (about your own birthday)
K: I don't care.
The fork arrived and Kyo literally dug in right in the middle, scooping a huge piece he put whole in his mouth.
Fujieda wisely left Kyo to his cake then and started talking about RMK footage. Die said they had hard time deciding on a tour or events like this in COVID situation. They also mentioned the secret show in 2009 was held in RMK.
Next Die talked about how nice it was to rehearse and play together with the band, first time since March, he was happy about the show, creating sound together as 5 people.
F: did you finish eating K?
K: yup
(there was last 🍓 left (out of 4 big ones), he ate about 25~35%?)
F: then tell us about recording the RockMayKan show!
K: the place was very narrow.
F: anything else?
K: Not really.
But then he added more, that as it has been a while it felt like the first day of the tour.
F: was there anything that was difficult? Was a struggle?
K: when recording I can do it at my own pace, I can do one song when I want, but that day it was back to performing over 10 songs all at once, it was tough, hard on my throat, energy/stamina wise.
But at the same time it was exciting, meet with other members, play music together, that was nice.
F: 2019 was filled with shows, it was busy, then things changed. So after a break to see an audience again got me nervous, in a good way.
Next F said had would like to talk about the release of Oboro.
D: what do you want to know?
F: so the song is not out yet, any hints?
D: it's gonna stay a secret for a bit more.
F: the 2nd track is TDFF？
D: (interesting letters ???didn't catch exactly) it's a powerful song.
F: how is Oboro for you Kyo?
K: quite fresh/refreshing
F: really?!
D: especially the video
...but then Kyo just burst with a whole speech how Fujieda always ask something and when he gets an aswer he didn't expect he doesn't react well, just says what he wants, is not listening to what Kyo says and... it went for a while😆
Next F moved to the topic of the merchandise and asked the band members which items they like.
K: the big badge, before the big pick was huge, shouldn't the badge be like this size (showing about 20cm with his hands). It bothered me from when I saw it. Isn't it just normal?
in the end they agreed it's just 'a bit big' 😂
F: how about for you, D?
D: the rubber key chains?
F: they got sold out very quickly, sorry to fans about that.
D: they are cute. And I like the wristbands too. The color combinations are nice.
T: the badge has the old band's logo, it brings me back
D talked about old times when artists made stickers like that, with logos, to put on their equipment, they worked a bit like business cards, he said he still have some at home.
T picked the rechargeable heat pack.
K: so it's to be used instead of heat packs? (ホッカイロ)
F: uh, it's already warm.
D: huh? Show me? (F passed it to him) it's like a phone that gets hot when charging.
Next they moved on to fans questions. ("~~" is a question from fans they read)
K (unusually picks the first question super fast): "what's your favourite cake?"
K: Well, the strawberry shortcake is good, but this one doesn't have strawberries inside, just some jam, it should have strawberries inside too.
(F so dead😂😂😂)
F: "what's your best or bad memory connected to birthdays?"
K: at a concert somewhere, it was quite long time ago, I got a present all wrapped and in a bag from a silver accessories brand I liked, so nicely wrapped, I opened it and it was empty, isn't that really strange? I looked at the attached letter and it said the person is keeping the item for themselves. It annoyed me so much, the worst bd memory ever.
☹️
F: how about you D?
D: it's not exactly bad memory, but many band members have birthdays in February, in the past when we were still giving each other presents Toshiya and I had to think what to get for 3 people, it was always tough. We stopped that at some point.
T: "any memory/story about China Town?"
D: I like China Town
T: do you go often?
D: sometimes. But only to my favorite restaurants. (?? Talked more about the stadium?)
T: do you usually order the same thing?
D: Mabodofu, the spicy version
(then I think he said something like there's no point in overdoing spicyness, it's not healthy??)
K: I don't know which restaurants are good so I get annoyed. I don't know what decides it's a good one or not.
F: I don't go, but I'd like to.
then they talked about the types of Chinese food and food they tried when in other Asian countries.
K: when we were touring in the US I ordered Chinese abd it was terrible, it was all bad. The egg soup was all clumpy, so bad.
D: "any stories about RockMayKan?"
D: honestly I don't have good memories with this venue, when with a previous band we played together with more senior bands and they took over the dressing room, we couldn't use it, and we also had to greet all senpai musicians.
K: remember when Shinya sat on the lockers? Like on top of the 170cm lockers?
D: was it in Nagoya?
K: he's done his make up there, like a cat or something
D: Shinya climbed a locker and made a space for himself there
K: He's not exactly human. Normally you would not even consider climbing a locker...
D: we usually did our make up on the stairs, didn't use changing room. When we played at RMK as dir for the first time I saw 'this is the changing room!'
He also talked about how the hair spray used by all the bandomen would stink up the whole place 😂
F: "what do you usually wear to sleep?"
K: just underwear. Doesn't matter if it's summer or winter I want to feel the towel like fabric, I use towel cloth for my bedding, I want my whole body to feel it so there's no point in wearing pajamas.
D: at home...wait you mean my home or my family house? At my parents' I always wear the pajama my mum got me, currently the Mickey Mouse one. I only have that one there.
K( with sudden interest): can you draw it?
D: it's about this big, quite big print. The one I wear at home, it wasn't sent by my mum.
K: not Mickey one??
D: that's Nightmare Before Christmas.
K: Disney theme?
D: this one has a face in the front.
K: do you change characters (for pajamas) every year?
D: this year it's Nightmare.
Next was something they wanted to say to F. K chose to comment on his haircut, because it's asymmetric K is bothered that it will end as an uzumaki in the back. They talked more about F's style.
F: "I'd like you to tell us about your costumes you wore for RMK show".
D: I wanted something motovating so red colour.
K: I had no special reasoning, just what I wanted to wear then.
D: "have you gotten any food delivery?"
He said he only got it once or not much, I think he said he's not fond of shops that don't do it properly, but when recording it's good???
F: Shinya said he orders Uber almost everyday.
K: I only got Uber once.
F: what did you get?
K: Burger King. I quit McDonalds. After eating Burger King I can't go back to McDonalds.
They talked about sizes of burger here?? Whooper versus Junior Whooper?
F: So McD is not good?
K: the meat taste is different. McDonald now tastes like trash.
F: what about the Mc fries, when they get a bit soft.
K: not only a bit. Gross.
D: in the US we usually also have some American staff, when we had some time and we went to eat out, it was funny, American staff went for sushi, Shinya went for McDonalds.
F: was it last time?
D: no, quite some time ago.
F: when did you eat McDonalds the last time?
D: I also don't eat it, it's been some time already.
They talked more about the food, some restaurants D liked in the US (didn't catch the name���� but in Sacramento?), then F talked more about event schedule and the time was over.
Last comments from the band members:
Die: From today the new series of film screening starts, thank you for coming to the first day. So well... the band is working on the new album while coming to the events at the same time, we're working on creating a great album. Please come amd enjoy the events.
Kyo: I don't have a special thing to say. Many of you will be coming to few or many events and will end up with many t-shirts, you can do whatever with them, even use them as a doormat, there are many ways to use them, no problem for the whole year.
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Hey! The fact that you're doing all those things is amazing jsjdjqnsjdjsj AAAAND you have time and stamina to produce pieces daily
Wow
I'd like to ask where do you study space and aircraft (school or you take extra college courses or by yourself) and if you could recommend some resources!
I really adore your art, you're my favourite artist atm and I am eternally thankful you address racism and fandom problems.
Thanks for being awesome <3 Take care
oh of course! to answer your question, I study both in an academic setting and on my own (since a lot of my research is independent). It is however a bit all over the place thanks to COVID.
If you want to get into aerospace studies, you will need to have a solid background in physics. I've taken an AP level course in Physics and will probably be taking another advanced course next year (it really depends on my schedule), and since Physics felt fairly easy for me, it was a smooth shift from that to aerospace. I'll also be doing a college course in engineering over the summer which I feel is kind of the next step once you have physics down (if you cannot access aerospace engineering right off the bat).
This is a pretty good book, but I haven't gone through all of it since I was borrowing a copy (there are other additions too which I have not looked at, this is the 6th and I believe most recent one?). Prior to really getting into aerospace though, I was into astrophysics + cosmology and I read a lot of Stephen Hawking's books as well as Neil deGrasse Tyson's work. For Stephen Hawking, I thoroughly enjoyed A Brief History Of Time, and for Tyson, Death By Black Hole was really good (especially since I was researching jet boosting in closed astrophysical sources at the time).
depending how far you get, it's also helpful to get in contact with people who are actually in the field. I was lucky enough to know somebody that works with SpaceX (I.. don't support SpaceX at all, especially with Elon Musk, but you have to take what you can get) and learn more about their projects for reusable engines (you can check out Falcon 9 if you are curious), so if you can reach out to people, that's always a good point to get to. Another thing though is just surfing through scientific articles, those are always very helpful.
And thank you so much!! I'm glad you like my art, that makes me really happy ToT have a lovely day my dear!
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A lifestyle change...
HELLO TUMBLR!! I know it’s been quite awhile since I last made a post on here. Life kind of got in the way and I needed to take a step back. I have gone through a whirlwind of shit over the last several years in my absence. For starters I lost my Mom, Grandma, and Grandpa which really shook my entire world to it’s core... They were the ones that raised me. I was always super close with them, especially my Mom... It’s been REALLY rough going on without them in my life. When you lose family members that you love more than life itself, it has a way of changing you and not for the better! Thing is, the punches didn’t stop there. My health has gone downhill and as it turns out, I inherited the heart problems that killed both my Mom and Grandpa.. you gotta love genetics! I’ve just been taking things one day at a time. I moved out of state and have been trying to pick up the pieces and start my life anew. However, over this last year that has proved to be rather difficult due to Covid-19 and the entire world shutting down and coming to a halt. So needless to say life hasn’t been the best.
This leads me to the reason that I came on here to make this post in the first place. Despite the last few years being rather shitty, I did recently manage to find inspiration in the form of actor Ethan Suplee. He has a podcast called American Glutton and he talks about his journey from being almost 600 lbs to losing a massive amount of weight and getting in shape. He’s now down to 255 lbs and he’s jacked! He told his story of how he did it and he started off with riding a bike non-stop all the time. He said he went at it and just refused to stop. That lead to him dieting and lifting weights. Seeing his transformation really inspired me to want to try to better my own life. So this is where I need your help. If you happen to have your own YouTube channel and are willing to take a moment out of your day to help me out, I would greatly appreciate it. I need to reach 100 subscribers in order to be able to personalize and customize my new YouTube channel. I have 857 followers here on Tumblr and if even a 1/4 of you subscribed I could pull this off in no time.
On this new Lifestyle Change YouTube channel of mine, I will be posting videos centered around bicycle riding, walking, and just getting outside in nature. My goal is to try to get into better shape documenting my progress over time and hopefully help inspire other people the way that I was inspired! I have allowed myself to be beaten down by depression and have become stagnant, overweight, and out of shape. Add to the fact that I have heart issues, I’m certainly not doing myself any favors by sitting around waiting to die. I figure I need to get out there and try to make some positive changes and perhaps prolong my life a little longer! I just want this to be something positive to show those willing to go on this journey with me that life can change if you want it to! I realize this isn’t going to be for everyone and you may not want to watch the videos that I will be posting, and that's fine, I would just appreciate the sub.
I apologize for not having any videos posted right now, but I don't have my bike yet. I plan to start when I get the bike. Just fair warning though, It's probably gonna be hard to watch. I know with being out of shape this is going to be tough for me at first. I'm just wanting this to be real, showing how it is starting out and progressing over time. I am hoping to stick with it and build up some stamina over time and get to a point where I'm not all out of breath. I hope my old ticker holds up for me... I'm definitely concerned about that but I'm putting my mind to this and sticking with it. If I can take this far enough I want to incorporate some kind of healthier eating, right now I have NO IDEA what that is but I need to figure that out sooner than later! I also would like to be able to get to a point where I can go to a gym and get into lifting weights.. but I know right now that's FAR OFF! One thing at a time! I'm definitely going to be taking it slow at first. I just think this is a good thing for me to do. In a way it'll help keep me motivated to get out there and do this. By making videos and having people watch them, it'll sort of hold me accountable to my viewers. They'll get accustomed to me making update videos and if I don't keep up on it, people will be like WHAT'S UP!? So yeah.. I just think this is a good thing for me. But as I've said, This is not just for me, but for others as well. The overall goal is to try to get in shape and help inspire others to do the same. So if any of you could help me out and subscribe to my channel I would greatly appreciate it! Thank you in advance! I do hope you come along with me on this journey! If you do? I'll see you all out there soon! Videos will be posted as soon as I get my bike! I plan to start ASAP. You can get to my channel by clicking the link below:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChQzYrbmQVUEKHEcR-VcLeA
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Your Flustered Date
Day Three of Three! Happy Valentines Day!
I’m stepping out of my box for this one because I know a couple of my followers like him and have asked if I would ever write for Denki Kaminari. This is a little present from me to you for showing your support as my blog begins to grow and new ideas take root. It feels really wild that we have almost a full year since the pandemic started. I started writing MHA smut out of boredom because of COVID and the people that have started following have been nothing but kind, sweet, and supportive. Thank you so much from the bottom of this little gremlin’s heart ❤️
Denki Kaminari (20′s) x Fem!Reader
Content: teasing, oral (giving), blowjob, fem dom, consensual bondage, cowgirl, collar, scratching, praise kink
(I do not write minor characters. Any character who isn’t canonically an adult in the original source material is aged up. I do not write smut featuring minors.)
Denki appeared red-faced and panting when he clambered into the restaurant. He found you sitting at the table, already eating. He rushed over and practically groveled at your feet.
“Ah-ha-ha, I’m so sorry, babe! There was a bank robbery and I was the closest pro-hero in the area, and I am so sorry!” Denki even went so far as to bow so low to press his forehead to the floor.
Heat rushed to your cheeks. You could feel the stares of the other patrons looking in your direction.
“Denki, please get up, you’re causing a scene,” you said.
Denki got off the floor immediately. He sat across from you and ordered some simple food and added another glass of wine to the bill. Your pro-hero boyfriend spent the rest of the evening begging for forgiveness. Your only response was: “I’m sure you’ll make it up to me later at home.”
It was Valentine’s Day after all. Being late to a Valentine’s Day dinner was a cardinal sin, even if your boyfriend was out there saving the world. The toe of your shoe grazed up his leg as you watched him eat. Denki froze on the spot while you dragged your foot up and down his leg. You should’ve known better not to do that in public. Not when it easily turned Denki’s face into a tomato. Nevertheless, you smirked into your wine glass.
“Is everything alright over here?” Asked the waiter.
“Y-Yes! Everything’s good!” Denki said excitedly. A little too enthusiastic, but you hoped that the waiter didn’t notice.
You already finished by the time Denki reached half-way through his meal. You pulled your foot away so he could eat in peace. You held off on the wine. You wanted to have a clear head for tonight. Eventually, dinner had to come to an end and your little heart fluttered like a hummingbird in your chest at the thought of what you had planned for Denki. He paid for the meal like a true gentleman and lead you by the hand to the car.
You sat in the passenger seat, turned slightly toward Denki who drove. You reached across the gear shift, splayed your fingers across his thighs, and leaned a little more forward. Denki shifted in his seat but didn’t object. Soon, your hands were messing with the button of his pants.
“Woah, hey, babe! What are you doing?” Denki raised his voice in the small car.
“Just shut up and enjoy. Don’t forget how to drive,” you said.
You revealed his cock and wrapped your lips around him. You bobbed your head up and down his length. The flaccidness before changed quickly by the warmth of your mouth and the skill of your tongue teasing the blunt head reaching into your throat. The car swerved to the left before Denki corrected himself. From this angle, you couldn’t see what his face looked like, but you were sure that he was giving his fellow drivers a curious sight. Denki kept one hand on the steering wheel and the other on top of your head, coaxing you to move faster.
You moaned with Denki’s cock stuffed in your mouth. What you couldn’t fit inside, you hand pumped him.
“Shit, you’re gonna make me come before we reach the house,” said Denki.
That’s the idea.
You sucked harder and faster than before, really working Denki into a frenzy. You felt his body tense up. His movement were restricted due to the seatbelt and not wanting to crash the car. But...you could tell how bad he wanted to buck his hips into your face as you dragged your tongue all over him.
Denki had driven the car about three-quarters of the way home when he started panting. You choked yourself on his dick, giving Denki long, sultry sucks. In a fit, Denki pushed your head down to his crotch. Hot cum gushed down your throat. Denki’s whole body was shaking with effort not to veer the car into a ditch. You managed to swallow almost all of it and wiped the rest off with a few tissues. After causing all that trouble, you fixed Denki’s clothes to make the rest of the ride home comfortable and less awkward.
Once you made it to the bedroom, you threw Denki onto the bed and fiercely made out with him. You tugged at his clothes in the same way he did with you. You pulled Denki’s hands towards the bed frame. You ripped open the bedside table drawer and picked out a pair of steel handcuffs. Kissing Denki again on the mouth, you clasped both wrists of his with cuffs, letting the chain wind behind a frame.
“How’s it feel, babe? To be all tied up? Do you want more?” You asked.
“God yes,” Denki sighed.
“Yes what?”
“God yes, mistress,” said Denki.
“Good boy.”
You reached into the drawer again and found a black leather collar. You snapped it around Denki’s neck, giving it gentle tug.
“What’s our safe word, love boy?”
“Dynamite,” Denki answered.
You straddled his stomach and ran your hands up his body from neck to his belly button. Your nails scratched his soft skin, littered with sensitive battle scars. You nuzzled his neck, breathing in his scent. Contrary to popular belief, Denki didn’t smell like he bathed in Axe body spray, though he did smell like cologne and little bit of sweat. You felt his cock slowly rise to your call and press against your lower back.
“Please,” Denki whined.
You ran your nails along his sides. You ground yourself on his cock without inserting it. You kept it up until you saw goosebumps etching into Denki’s skin. He squirmed and writhed beneath you, his toned stomach moving underneath your clit. You felt your cunt grow wet with anticipation. But you weren’t quite done yet.
“Did you enjoy getting that blowjob in the car, lover boy?” You smirked.
“Y-Yes, mistress.”
“You’ve got a lot of stamina if you’re ready to go again.” You reached behind you and started stroking Denki’s cock.
He bucked his hips as best he could. You thumbed the tip of him.
“Thank you, mistress,” said Denki.
“Do you want to be inside me?”
“Yes, please!” He begged.
“You know what you gotta say,” you said.
“Please, mistress, put my cock inside you beautiful cunny.”
“Good boy.”
You pushed off your knees and climbed down. The blunt head of his cock slowly entered you. You impaled yourself on Denki’s cock until he was fully seated inside your warmth.
“Tell me how it feels,” you ordered.
“It feels so good, ma’am.”
“I’m going to make you feel even better,” you cooed and pulled on the leather collar.
Skin slapped against skin as your wet, warm walls slid on Denki’s cock. His knuckles turned white as bones holding the bed frame. He gasped for air as you pulled on the collar ensnared around his neck, not enough to hurt him but just enough to make him pant like a dog in heat. A lusty haze glazed over his golden eyes. Denki watched you bounce on his cock, watched his pre-cum leak of your sweet cunt. He watched your thighs jiggle as you impaled yourself on him over and over.
“You’re s-so beautiful,” Denki moaned.
You road him faster while he sang your praises.
“Come inside me, oh god, come inside me right now!” You moaned as you tilted your head back and let your hair fan around your shoulders in a wild dance of strands.
Denki’s face scrunched up; you thought it made him look cute. His head fell back onto the pillows. He rocked up into you. You squeezed around his cock until he could not longer take anymore. It took no more goading for Denki cum inside of you and let it spill out. You followed shortly behind. In your spasms, your nails clawed his chest, leaving red trails over his lean form. When you finally came down from your high, you pulled yourself completely off of him. You freed Denki’s wrists.
“You were so good for me, Denki. So good.” You kissed him on the cheek.
You showered and put fresh blankets on the bed together. Once snuggled against him in bed, you nuzzled into his chest. Denki wrapped one arm around your waist with the other carefully played with the ends of your hair.
#my hero academia#mha#mha fanfiction#mha smut#boku no hero academia#bnha#bnha fanfiction#bnha smut#smut#smut fic#reader fic#fem!reader#fem reader#denki#denki kaminari#chargebolt#aged up#aged up denki#pro hero denki#the goofball#denki x reader#he's 18+#18+ only#Minors begone#minors dni#minors do not interact
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Laredo Part 2 Week 3
First two photos show the underwear donations I was able to bring in thanks to your help. Second pic shows me driving to every Domino’s Pizza in town to pick up a total of 40 pizzas for Holding for dinner last week. Last picture is from an art store I went to yesterday called Milagros which was really wonderful.
It feels like I’ve been here for months, not just 3 weeks. But here we are.
I only have 4 days left, I go back home on Saturday.
Last week I was super overwhelmed and frustrated by everything. The shelters were getting absolutely slammed by a perfect storm of limited volunteers/donation/funding and lack of organization combined with a huge amount of folks in desperate need coming in every day.
The day after my last post I was so completely overwhelmed I couldn’t get out of bed until 4pm. But then I got up and went to Walmart and spent $550 of the donation money folks had been sending me on underwear. I have no idea how many packs of underwear I bought, but it was close to 400 something pairs. I went to go drop them off at the shelter and one of my old friends, Blanca, was there. She had been volunteering the last time I was here back in 2019. She is so sweet and since she is working full time she works in the evenings at the shelter, sometimes until 2:30 in the morning. It was really great to see her.
Also on a different day I got to see another old friend, Aycha, who was working at La Frontera back in 2019. She also has another full time job but spends her evenings and weekends volunteering at La Frontera. It was nice to see some familiar faces.
Also a group of folks from St. Louis came down this week and are working with their church back home to raise money and donations and have committed to sending down a rotating crew of full time volunteers every week for the next month from their congregation. It was so great to have some folks who were enthusiastic and excited and ready and eager to help. It has made such a huge difference.
In the past week we’ve been able to get the entire shelter organized, from top to bottom every single room and cabinet that had been haphazardly thrown together since the border suddenly reopened back in April, we were able to organize every inch of the place and fully stock everything.
I hope it lasts for at least a few weeks.
The other thing that’s been going on is that the number of folks coming through has dramatically slowed. Whereas last week we were getting 200-300 folks a day, we are now getting a max of 30 folks per day. And at Holding Community Center we have gotten no new people, we only have the 40 something folks who are quarantining from COVID for 10 days before they are able to travel. Today for the first time since I’ve been here we mainly got folks from Haiti and Brazil, which hasn’t been the case before, when we were mainly getting folks from Central America.
From what I can tell, there was an individual who made an inaccurate report to a local news station stating that the shelters in town were contributing to an increase of COVID cases and that the shelters were irresponsibly allowing folks who had COVID to wander around town and putting them on flights and in public spaces in town. Which is completely false. But the local news reported on it and the city placed Holding on a sort of lockdown, which means that all the doors and windows are blocked / blacked out and no one besides the guests, staff, and volunteers can enter; which was already the case to begin with but now people are mainly just afraid to volunteer or drop off donations. Somehow also all of this and the news of the amount of people the shelters were supporting got to a Texas state senator, not sure who, and she had ICE stop releasing folks from detention for the weekend in order to give the shelters a chance to catch up? But it is already Tuesday and still folks are being released in very small groups so I don’t really have any idea what is going on.
I don’t think the answer to all of this is to stop folks from seeking asylum or to keep folks in detention; it needs to be increased funding, staff, and resources to these shelters or some sort of state level emergency aid provided for these folks.
Despite the reduction in the chaos and disorganization and the reduced numbers; I am still completely exhausted and am not able to withstand more than 3-4 hours at a time at the shelter before needing to go back to the house and rest for a while and then go back. I don’t know if it’s cumulative exhaustion or if my stamina for being out and about is just lower after being quarantined the last year and a half, or what. But here we are.
I hope to try and post at least once or twice before I leave here; to provide some more background info on the situation down here and to give one last update before I leave.
In the meantime, please keep donations coming in. Both shelters badly need consistent donations and support for the folks coming through here. Everyone I’ve spoken to to whom we’ve given a pair of shoes or clean underwear or a hot meal has been so completely grateful and uplifted. It makes a world of difference.
If you follow me on instagram, @meganxfitz all the info for donating is there in my highlights. You can also order items and have them delivered to
La Frontera Shelter
1616 Callaghan St.
Laredo, TX 78040
To donate to Holding Community Center, you can follow either of these links
http://www.holding-institute.org/
https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2F1GOXCMTTRCZ?ref_=wl_share
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2020 wasn’t that bad of a year for me. I had to make a couple sacrifices; no basketball and no swimming, but otherwise my life was pretty un-disturbed. I wasn’t able to visit my family but I don’t even have a good relationship with them so “missing holidays” with them also meant “not having extreme anxiety about not being a disappointment.” I like going out to eat at restaurants and obviously couldn’t do that either, but it also meant “you have a lot of money saved up now.” So I don’t even consider either of those negatives. Swimming is a bummer though, I had a bit of an ambition to start triathlon training and I really suck at swimming. My goal was 750m in 10 minutes, but it was a struggle to even swim 750m a day and it’d take me about 20 minutes. I think I was down to like 17 or 18 minutes when the pool closed down but I still had a long, long way to go. My best friend is a lifeguard and he said 10 minutes isn’t that hard, and while he’s obviously a little detached from what a normal swimming time is for an untrained swimmer, I was mind-blown by him doing 50m in 25 seconds with literally never trying to time himself once in his life. 750m 10 minutes is also the minimum requirement to be a lifeguard where he works he said, so that’s why I made it my goal. But that will take a little while longer before I can ever get back in to it. Transitioning to the subject of basketball, I used to play quite a lot in my youth and as a 6′5″ guy with some good athleticism you know I don’t need any sort of skill to still be good. But having the knees of an 80 year old make it an issue with basketball being like the most loading-all-your-weight-directly-in-to-your-knees sport in the world. I believe it was around 2014 when I stopped playing in leagues and this year I was planning on reuniting with my old high school friends to enter some tournaments this year and terrorize northern BC and AB. I’m not as explosive any more so I was hoping to hit the gym and work on my outside shot ‘cause I at least know I will always be a good defender with my size and intelligence, and I went to one single pick up game this year, the same night Rudy Gobert tested positive for COVID. It went okay, I had 0 stamina and even trying to rebound a basketball felt awkward much less lining up a jump shot, and then the guys I met up with were like “okay that’s the last game of the year” and I haven’t been able to ball since.
But there was a decent amount of positives. I rolled through year 3 of my marriage and I think it’s going pretty swimmingly. No children yet though I’d still like some, but every year I kind of keep thinking “wow I’m so much more knowledgeable and in a more stable position in my life, thank god I didn’t introduce a child in to my previous environment.” Not that I’m a toxic shithead where no child can thrive, but I just think the more I wait the more super-father I can become. It’s always been like a life ambition to be a parent for me, like it felt important that my life is incomplete if I’m not able to do this and a lot of that also meant procreating and y’know, my child being a tall white quarter scottish/norweigan infant, but I’ve definitely been coming around to adoption and now don’t really care about having a child who has the same genetic information as me. I guess that’s all I have to say for now, wife and I are still discussing it and I’m sure it’ll be a few years, but, just a change of perspective I’ve had.
I hopped back on to my Tetris grind recently as I’ve had four weeks off of holidays all packed in to the end of the year, I think it’ll be a trend that continues, but I don’t know for sure or anything. I made sort of a break through in controls that helped optimize my play a lot, and just last week I was able to get PBs in APM and 20/40/1000 line sprints from about a year and a half ago, so I’ve already adjusted to the changes that took me a while to get used to. My 20 and 40 line times are 30.626 and 60.708 seconds which is a little frustrating how close I am to clearing those rounded number milestones, but that’s a goal for 2021 I suppose. I could probably break them right now but just haven’t gotten lucky. I question if my fingers can really get any faster though, I think hand speed is a hard thing to develop as an old man, but world record is almost 4x faster so at the same time it’s a little foolish of me to think I’m near any sort of physical limit.
My other last tangible success is running. I haven’t run since mid November because of winter in Edmonton ain’t worth it to me, I literally took all my holidays in winter simply for the sake of not having to drive to work as often. But yeah, I was definitely in the best running shape of my life. I’d been tracking my PRs all year, I’ll just quickly list them
100m: 13.8
200m: 33.3
400m: 1:08
800m - 2:48
1000m - 3:31
1 mile - 6:19
2 mile - 13:23
5K - 21:12
10K - 43:36
15K - 1:13:58
10 mile - 1:19:29
20K - 1:38:54
Half Marathon - 1:44:04
A lot of these I didn’t particularly work on setting, they just happened to get recorded by my watch while I was running longer distances. I’m not a sprinter at all as my times clearly indicate, I think anything under 1KM times are all pretty accomplishable by anyone who wants to work on them. I used to be run low 12 for 100m but I think I’m too old for that these days, the 200m was literally the first time I ever ran it, I just was never interested back when I was in track as a kid, 400m is kind of disappointing too because I was running 1:21 when I was 10 years old and I’ve only managed to shave 13 seconds off. 800 was just on the way to some other run so I don’t even really count it as a time, I think I could have definitely been 2:35 if I tried. 3:31 for the 1KM I did once to try and pace my friend for 3:45 and then I sprinted the last 200m so I coulda been quicker there, 1 mile I never attempted to run but I really wanted to get sub 6 minutes, I think I could but I’m not sure why I never attempted to run one. 2 mile is something I actually did run a lot, my neighbourhood is 2.5 KM, 3.2 KM is 2 miles, so I would quite often run it in the morning. My ultimate goal for a pace is 4:12/KM so once I hit that with my 2 mile run (4:10/KM pace) I didn’t push it further. 5KM and 10KM were both done on track where I actually spent the few surrounding days prepping for my run and are the two I’m proudest of, particularly the 10 KM, and the longer distances were all just set while I was trying to run a half marathon. My goal is an hour and a half for the half marathon, so while 14 minutes doesn’t seem extremely far it still is quite tough for me, I need to shave 45 seconds every KM 21 times in a row. I signed up for my first half marathon since 2014 for September 2021. My official PB is only 1:51 so I’m already better than I ever was, but I hope to train all year to shave off that last 14 minutes. My tangible improvement on a weekly basis with running was pretty comforting for my mental health. 29 has always been the age of physical peak for men, everything beyond is a decline until the end, but I never really felt plateaued throughout this year. I ran over 1200 KM last year, the last half of the year I was going for 50KM a week which I’m hoping to keep up again this year while also pushing even further as long as my body can hold up. I still get a lot of stingy injuries that cause me to miss a couple days here or there, but for the most part it went pretty well.
Uh, I don’t even know what the point of writing all this was I guess. Just wanted to share that I continued to progress in life, which I guess is the only purpose I have in life, continue to better my life, and I can definitely say I’m better now than I was a year ago, and looking forward to continue an upward trajectory for 2021. Happy New Years.
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HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE!! 🎉🎉
I am writing this a second time because I accidentally clicked on a link on my phone while swiping between the tumblr app and safari app, almost at the end of the message. 😢 I hope I don’t miss out on anything.
Awww that’s nice!! It shows that you’ve had some physical improvement even while being stuck at home! How?? Please teach me your ways. I used to exercise every other day even while on lockdown, but after my surgery in Oct I took some time to recover, and now it’s hard to find the motivation to get back into exercising again. And I really want to build up my stamina first, before I try to go for dance lessons again in the new year. ☺️
Oh god yes! Secret Love Song II is the ultimate tear jerker! 😢 So the Tamil music industry works slightly differently. There are a few independent artists, but it’s usually music soundtracks that are mainstream and popular. So the music directors get more recognition and fanbase than the singers. Even though there are popular singing artists, it’s not like the English music industry where they have fandoms and stuff. My fave music directors are A R Rahman, Anirudh, G V Prakash and singers are Sid Sriram (he has such a unique tone to his voice 😍), SPB (sadly he passed away this year due to Covid, but he is AMAZING! And he has sung over 40,000 songs in 14 languages), Chitra, Shreya Goshal. Hmm my current song obsessions are Chellama (Doctor), Ellu Vaya Pookalaye (Asuran), Ennadi Mayavi (Vada Chennai) and Kaathodu Kaathanen (Jail). Let me know what you think if you have a listen to it. ☺️ Oohh I just listened to them! Thunder Road seems like such a “feel good” song. Like it’s a good choice if you need a pick me up.
Aww that’s smart!! I hope that you can achieve all your resolutions for next year! The first one will definitely happen!! Wow! You sound like such a linguist. How many languages do you speak/know? Nooo, it doesn’t sound stupid. I can see what you mean. I sincerely hope that you have enough money to not just live comfortably and travel for auditions next year, but also have money to travel for leisure and have a surplus in savings!! All the best!! 👍🏽👍🏽 Okay, I am totally guilty of point 4 as well. I feel you on that. But I can honestly say that I enjoy talking to you and look forward to your responses. I’m pretty sure that the people in your life do not think that of you. I hope that you can work pass this anxious thoughts and appreciate yourself for the beautiful and wonderful person that you are!! And I am so proud of you for coming this far and recognizing that you have made improvement! YOU GO GLORIA! 💪🏽💪🏽 Also the paradox that being under someone’s gaze makes us uncomfortable, but we love to be on stage dancing! Reading is fun! But I have been getting way too much into fanfics, which is not a bad thing, but I want try reading some non-fiction. Which is hard to start when I have a long list of fanfics saved. 🙈 hope you do get to read more in 2021!!
Hmm my goals are to exercise more, get back into dancing, and hopefully to start a PhD. And also general stuff like being more present in the moment, and drinking more water. Haha
Thank you for your wishes! I hope you have an amazing week ahead! Merry Christmas!! Wishing you a fabulous day filled with lots of love, joy, gifts and good food! Have fun but also stay safe!! 🎉🥰❤️ -M :)x
M!!! 💕 So sorry for the late reply!! I'm a terrible person when it comes to replying sometimes ahahah xD As usual, all my ramblings under the cut :D
Ohhhh wow so many music recommendations, thank you SO MUCH!!! I'll save everything to my Spotify! :D Oh I knew absolutely nothing about music directors, thank you for explaining that to me! 😱 It really sounds like a very different system!!
Ah I can feel you about the motivation to exercise!! I'm also very lazy when it comes to cross training, which I need to do to prevent injuries: let's say I'm constant but I get bored very quickly and always look for new exercises, new music to use, exercises that look like games, you name it 😂 Like, to train balance, my favorite exercise is balancing on one leg with eyes closed, and doing variations of that, because it's never boring! 😆 Or I have to listen to podcasts/music in the meantime, otherwise I just go crazy! But I think that to get some motivation back it's better to start from something that's kind of fun and doing only 10 minutes the first day and building up from there!! I honestly made some progress only because I had a lot of time and spent hours dissecting ballet steps I'm struggling with ahah! Just, starting from the simplest "part" of that movement and seeing what I was doing wrong, taking videos of myself and then study said videos (horrible thing to do but very useful 😆)...
Ahhh I'm not a linguist, really!! I just went to a linguistic high school and studied English, French and German! But honestly I feel comfortable speaking only English and French, but the second is definitely a bit rusty as for now 😂 I also took Portuguese for one year at uni and I'd like to go back to it someday! :)
Your goals sound amazing, too!!! I really hope you'll go back to dancing and recover completely from the surgery you mentioned earlier! 🙏 And PhD, WOW!! That's awesome!!! I'm sure you'll accomplish a lot in the new year, you sound like a hardworking and passionate person, I'm rooting for you! :D I hope you spent some nice days during these holidays, rested and ate good food! 💕 Hope you're well and staying safe ☺️🙏 Until the next ask!!! 🎄✨🐇
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A Look at my 2020
The end of the year is upon us. It’s been a tough one for all of us. It is a year we will all remember forever. I want to do a positive reflection of this year. I will probably write a blog about what I hope our country’s New Years Resolutions should be. The thoughts on that have been rolling around my head for a few days. But today, December 16, at 4:30 a.m. and unable to sleep, that 2020 familiar dread of what will happen today waking me early, I want to look at some positives. I want to unwrap the positives of 2020 like a Christmas gift before Christmas so that I can wrap myself in them as a blanket of warmth. One thing that I have been truly impressed with is the resilience of the human spirit. Let’s call this a resilience exercise.
Counting my blessings one by one...
1. I am alive. Surviving is a cause for celebration. As far as I know I have been COVID free...although there were a few days in April or early May when I was sick with something and in Feb I had the strangest cold in my life and this time last year weeks of fatigue ended in frozen shoulder syndrome on Christmas Eve. See, I want to be thankful, but I don’t want to be naive in my retrospection. Best to be honest. I’m not sure if I had COVID or not, but if I did I survived with relatively minor symptoms. Every cough or sniffle I feared in a completely irrational way was COVID. There was the week I walked around sniffing everything to make sure I could still smell. It dawns on me it is going to be difficult to write a honest and, yet, positive, retrospective of 2020. I am alive, but I have never been less healthy. I’ve gained weight. I haven’t had the physical exercise to which I am accustomed and now when I try to take a long walk I realize my stamina is gone. It will take years of concentrated effort once things are “back to normal” for me to become normal again. It wasn’t that I didn’t try. I did yoga daily in the Spring and switched to an online Tai chi class in the summer, but I don’t live near beauty or anything interesting so wasn’t motivated to walk and just my everyday life of lockdown in a studio apartment meant less movement. All of which sounds even to me like not very good justification. Did I mention though that I survived. I am alive. I will take that as blessing number one.
2. No one I care about very deeply has died or even been seriously ill from COVID. Doesn’t March 2020 seem far away? I don’t want to be dismissive of 300;000 dead especially with more to come. I or someone I love could still be gone by New Years Day. But in March and April we held our breaths for an apocalypse and at some point most of us decided to take a breath. I don’t know really if it’s good or bad that we have simply adjusted our normal and the number deaths we are willing to accept. It’s bad, what am I saying? It’s bad. But how long can we wait in fear? So I don’t know, but I want to count as a blessing that those I love have all survived to date. I cannot vanquish the fear, but I can be grateful for survival.
3. I have maintained employment in a bad economy and have mostly been able to work from home. There have been some struggles. Sometimes the work I do is depressing. Sometimes I feel I don’t make a difference. There has never been a worse time to be an advocate...or a person with disability, or a caregiver, or a provider agency, or a health care professional. I have maintained employment.
4. I count among my blessings the fact that I had a wonderful 2020 before....remember there was a 2020 before. I love when my work takes me to Santa Fe for a prolonged time. A friend came out in Feb for a wonderful weekend. Another friend came to Albuquerque to see me for my birthday in early March. I remember thinking how social I was in those first ten weeks in 2020. It’s as if I somehow knew....it sustained me.
5. I count among my blessings that when I felt my mental health despair getting at its worse...the strain of living alone in a studio apartment, working from that same apartment and following the Governor orders not to go or do anything. ..that I had friends and two weekends of “risky” behavior; a friend who came for the Fourth of July holiday and an out of state trip to Durango in late September. I’m fortunate that when I had to have human contact my closest friends were there for me
6. I count as my blessings that Biden won the election. It’s not simply a matter of politics. I’m not sure if the last eight months of the Trump Presidency wasn’t worse for my morale than the pandemic because Trump kind of lost whatever semblance of sanity he had. Part of the trepeditation over what each new day will bring is what Trump will say, do, tweet, exacerbate. I still fear revolution in the street before Jan 20. The pandemic is not the worse of what America has gone through. That’s the oddest thing about this year.
7. Here is the blessing which probably will be unpopular. The lockdown and stress of all we have experienced is tough, but the slowdown is a blessing for me. My life had gotten pretty busy. While I miss travel, it’s ok for a year not to have had the time suck that travel for work entails. I will be so happy the first work trip I get to go on, but I feel like 2020 has given me the gift of time. It’s odd because, like many, my creative sense has suffered. I have written almost nothing. Still, I often think of a Dylan lyric, maybe in the next life I will be able to hear myself think. I could hear myself think this year. Unfortunately I thought about the existentialist angst of the meaning of life and my failures as a human being and I don’t think there is enough time still to process the effects of the pandemic and I’m sick to death of the sound of my thoughts, but....I have been given this unique gift of time. Even on December 16th I am not rushed to shop, to cook, to decorate, to go to a zillion parties. It’s a different year. The Holiday will still come. It is pleasant not to feel urgency over, let’s face it, non-urgent things. I am mentally and emotionally fatigued, but not nearly as physically exhausted as I was this time last year
8. The next one is a big one. The gift of living in the moment. I have spent my entire life since 7th grade when Miss O’Neil gave me a copy of The Rubyait of Omar Khayyam trying to live with the philosophy of living for the now. Clear the cups of past regrets...tomorrow, why I may be myself with yesterday’s seven thousand years. The only time I have ever truly experience this is in a handful of concert experience. Even now, I fear for my future and I blame myself for my mistakes. Still, my relationship with time has changed. There is the sun rising and setting and that is a day. Seasons will change. But the gift of time means I can approach my day differently. When five o clock comes on a workday, a needed nap is a step away. No where to go on a Friday night... no where I can go...means the weekend rhythm exists only as I define it. The simple pleasures we always take for granted mean something more now. There is a coffee truck that stops near me on Fridays and Saturdays. When it first started stopping I was over the moon that I could walk and get a latte with fairly little risk. If I go to the grocery store and have a conversation with a stranger, it is different than it was before. Mindfulness exercise and meditation is one thing, but nothing can compare with this year to further my lessons in this pursuit. May I take the lesson with me into years to come.
9. Zoom...yes, of course I have zoom fatigue. But five friends in five different states having a monthly drink together on zoom is a benefit of the pandemic. I watched a movie this year with someone who lives in Brazil. I celebrated a friend’s sixtieth person even though I couldn’t be with her. I’ve attended book discussions and readings in New York and I already have tickets to an event in March. Kind of love New York. I’ve never been there in person. Just a lot happens there. Educationally and socially the world is now open to me. I am not limited to what is going on in my community. I hope this doesn’t completely go away.
10. Finally, storytelling and music. I found it hard to read new things in the lockdown for a while, but in March friends asked me to a virtual book club of three books I already read and we reread them together which took us into the summer. I rediscovered the Foundation series of Asimov and suddenly I could read again! My favorite book I’ve read published in 2020 is Jess Walter’s The Cold Million. I did read a digital advance copy of David Duchovny’snew book due out in 2021 and it is, in fact, the breakout novel I knew this hot young writer would eventually write. Looking forward to 2021 book club! I finally binged Breaking Bad and The Travelers as well as The Queens gambit and watched Peanut Butter Falcon. I am doing a disability focused watch on the X Files and I better kick it it the rear because I’m presenting on it in Feb. at a conference. My God, Dylan put out his first original music in eight years. It will take me eight years to fully ingest it and enjoy it. You see, no matter what happens, humanity will tell its stories and gather to make its songs. It’s that human resilience. Creation of art is not trivial. It’s vital. It has continued in this odd and strange year. It is humanity’s greatest gift and I have definitely used it this year as a resilience and growth tool.
Those are my top blessings in this horrific and, yet, wondrous year. However, you have been impacted, what we all share in common is that In a very short time it will be a memory of a year in the past.
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Satisfied?
We examine what Letterboxd reviews of Hamilton reveal about the musical’s cultural currency in 2020.
In this absolutely insane year, when our love of movies feels helpless in the face of pandemic-induced economic collapse, some extremely good decisions are being made on behalf of audiences. Studio Ghibli on streaming platforms. Virtual screenings to support art house cinemas. Free streaming of many important films about Black experience. And: Disney+ releasing the filmed version of Hamilton: An American Musical—recorded at the Richard Rodgers Theater in 2016 with most of its original Broadway cast—a year ahead of schedule, on Independence Day weekend.
“Superlative pop art,” writes Wesley of the filmed musical. “Hamilton wears its influences and themes on its sleeve, and it’s all the better for it. Lin-Manuel Miranda and his team employ an unlikely cocktail of not only hip-hop and showtunes, but also jazz (‘What’d I Miss?’), British-Invasion pop-rock (‘You’ll Be Back’), folk music (‘Dear Theodosia’) and Shakespeare (‘Take a Break’) in service of developing an impressively vast array of themes. This is a testament to the power of writing, an immigrant narrative, a cautionary tale about ambition, a tragic family drama, and a reevaluation of who decides the narrative of history.”
2016 may only be a half-decade ago, but it feels like an eon in American political years. With theaters dark and America’s long record of racism under urgent scrutiny, the complex smash-hit lands back in the spotlight at an interesting time. Is Hamilton “the most offensive cultural artefact of the last decade”, as Lee writes? Or “timeless and wholly of the moment”, as Tom suggests? The answer, according to a deep read of your Letterboxd reviews, is “all of the above”.
First things first: why now?
Sophie has a theory:
“Disney executive: Hey we’re losing a lot of money because our parks are closed. How do we start making money again?
Other Disney executive: It might be nice, it might be nice… to get Hamilton on our side.”
Sure, business. Still, it’s historically unprecedented that a Broadway show of this caliber (a record-setting sixteen Tony nominations, eleven wins, plus a Grammy and a Pulitzer) would be filmed and released to the public while it’s still, in a Covid-free universe, capable of filling theaters every night. Will people stay away when Broadway reopens because they’re all Disney+’d out?
No chance, reckons Erika. “I’d still kill to see Hamilton live with any cast… I get why producers are afraid that these videos might hurt ticket sales, but I’m fucking ready to buy a ticket and fly to NY one day just to see as many shows as I can after watching this.”
Not every musical fan has the resources to travel, often waiting years for a touring version to come near their hometown. And even if you do live in a town with Hamilton, the ticket price is beyond many; a daily lottery the only way some of us get to go. So Holly-Beth speaks for many when she writes: “I entered the Hamilton lottery every day for almost two years but I never got to be in the room where it happens… however, this 4K recording of the original cast will do very nicely for now! Finally getting to see the context and performances after obsessing over the music for years was so, so satisfying.”
“Finally” is a common theme. Sydnie writes, “I love this musical with every fiber of my body and it was an extraordinary experience finally getting to watch it in Australia”. Flogic: “To finally be able to put the intended visuals to a soundtrack that I’ve had on repeat for such a long time: goosebumps for 160 minutes.” Newt Potter: “Now I fully understand people’s love for this masterpiece of a musical!”
I’ve got a small query for you.
Where’s the motherfucking swearing? Unsurprisingly, Disney+ comes with some limitations. For Hamilton, it’s the loss of a perfectly placed F-word.
“I know Disney is ‘too pure’ to let a couple of ‘fucks’ slip by,” writes Fernando, “but come on, it’s kind of distracting having the sound go out completely when they sing the very satisfying ‘Southern Motherfucking Democratic Republicans!’ line.”
Will agrees: “Disney cutting ‘motherfucking’ from ‘Washington on Your Side’ felt like sacrilege akin to Mickey Mouse taking an eyebrow pencil to the Mona Lisa.”
Nevertheless, sings Allison:
“Even tho Disney stripped the story of its f***s,
Don’t think for a moment that it sucks.”
(Yes, she has a vegan alert for Hamilton.)
Does it throw away its shot?
The crew filmed two regular shows in front of live audiences, with additional audience-less sessions for a dolly, crane and Steadicam to capture specific numbers. The vast majority of you are satisfied. “It’s the most engaging and expertly crafted life filming I’ve seen since Stop Making Sense,” writes ArtPig. “The film does an incredible job of placing you right in the action. It feels like the best seat you could get in the theater. You can see the sweat and spit.”
“Translates perfectly onto the small screen,” agrees Ollie. “There’s a level of intimacy that feels hard to replicate in any other filmed production. We see those close ups, the passion and gusto behind every actor’s performance.”
“Shockingly cinematic for something filmed on such a small stage,” is Technerd’s succinct summary, while Paul praises director Thomas Kail: “He knows when to back away along with moving nearer when appropriate, and the choices always serve to govern the power and stamina of the performances.”
Though cast members’ voices were recorded on individual audio tracks, Noah had a few quibbles with the sound quality. “Some of the audio capture is off in the recording, sometimes voices being too soft or too loud. It’s not immersion breaking, but it is noticeable enough to irk me a little in pivotal moments. Some of the shot composition doesn’t fully work either. Of course nothing is going to be as good as seeing it in person.”
Robert, recalling another recent cinematic escapade of musical theater, lets his poetry do the talking:
“This will do for now until the true movie’s made,
Though if Hooper directs, there’ll be an angry tirade.”
I think your pants look hot.
Hamilton fans have their cast favorites, but something about being able to see Jonathan Groff’s spittle and Leslie Odom Jr’s scowls in 4K has you losing it all over again. Several specific shout-outs we enjoyed:
“Daveed Diggs the Legend! Go watch Blindspotting (2018), it’s one of the best movies ever!” —Kyle
“It’s hard to believe anyone will ever top Leslie Odom Jr. as Aaron Burr. I already loved him from the original cast recording, but seeing his full performance in all its glory was just godly.” —Erika
“Thankful that it was made possible for me to view with such clarity the phenomenon that is Renée Elise Goldsberry and spectacular Phillipa Soo.” —Thea
“Daveed Diggs was electrifying and Jonathan Groff was absolutely hilarious. If they interacted together the stage would’ve combusted from the sheer will of their talent.” —Nick
This is not a game.
On one hand, the release of Hamilton is sweet relief for music theater nerds riding out the pandemic. A generation of kids knows every word by heart, rapping (this version of) American history like it’s no thing. On the other, the Obama-era musical already feels behind-the-times, even for many Hamilton lovers, and the filmed version has brought that into sharp focus.
“I listened to the OG cast album about 50 times when it came out, the production is about as good as I’d always hoped,” writes Josh. “Since then however there’s been a very important and broader reckoning with the failures of neoliberalism and the Obama years ([from] which this has to be the most emblematic piece of art) and for me personally a drifting further to the left that has resulted in a very different relationship with the material. So my feelings today are a bit more complicated.”
“Hamilton is extremely non-committal about its politics,” writes Sting. “It doesn’t examine much of what Hamilton dictated besides ‘he wants complete financial control of the country’ (which would sound like a fucking supervillain in any other context, including reality).”
That lack of political commitment, reckons Morgan, is what helped Hamilton as a musical become so popular: “It’s fun. It’s catchy. It interweaves trendy and socially relevant artistic tools to infer a subversive subtext, while simultaneously sanitizing and, at times, flat out fabricating the historical narrative and downplaying the brutality of the true origin story, for the sake of appeasing those in power. Classic Bill Shakespeare stuff.”
History has its eyes on you.
Much criticism lies with the fundamental storytelling decision to make a modern ruckus about America’s Founding Fathers, the men (including Alexander Hamilton) who in the late eighteenth century united the thirteen colonies and co-wrote the Constitution. Undisputed titans of history, they also have blood on their hands, and HoneyRose writes that the musical “glorifies these men, and paints them as self-sacrificing heroes, and honestly normalizes and validates slavery, as well as the behavior of slave owners.”
Stevie, who saw the Broadway production as well as the filmed version, confesses: “I’ve tried (I’ve really tried) to understand what makes people lose their minds over this but I’m still completely baffled by the hype… These were horrible men and a romanticism of them through song and dance just seems entirely misguided.”
Sean is not convinced that Hamilton is a hagiography. “I can’t imagine anyone watching all of this and thinking it paints a portrait of the Founding Fathers as anything other than childish, greedy, venal and self-aggrandizing.” Wesley agrees: “I don’t think Hamilton is trying to be a history lesson, so much as a lesson about how we think about history. It’s a compelling human story told in a revolutionary way.”
That “revolutionary way” is the musical’s central conceit: that of a cast-of-color playing the white founding fathers as they bumble towards independence. Journalist Jamelle Bouie, who regards the musical as “fun, exciting, innovative and, at points, genuinely moving,” wrestles with the “celebratory narrative in which the Framers are men to admire without reservation. Through its casting, it invites audiences of color to take ownership of that narrative, as if they should want to take ownership of a narrative that white-washes the history of the revolution under the guise of inclusion.”
It’s complicated for Matt, too: “It’s widely agreed upon that the show encapsulates the Obama era better than anything, how it coddles white liberals with a post-racial vision of history in a superficial sense, overlooking the insidious and oppressive systems that they benefit from (hearing the audience clap to ‘Immigrants, we get the job done’ unsettled me). Of course hopefully its legacy will be that it opened up more Broadway roles for POC. But I really think that the show doesn’t make Broadway more appealing and accessible to POC, it just makes hip hop more accessible to white people, a launching pad of course to listening to Watsky or something.
“No hate though to anyone that’s completely in love with this, it’s definitely worth seeing despite any hang ups.”
I wanna build something that’s gonna outlive me.
The story doesn’t end, just because the music does. Kai_Kenn has a suggestion: “I have been a part of discussions that dissect the culture that created Hamilton, as well as the culture that Hamilton created, and whether or not Hamilton appropriately addresses the modern issues [that] the cult following proposes it does.
“This is an ongoing discussion that I am trying to be an active listener in and, if you consider yourself to be a conscientious consumer of art, you should too.”
Noah is on board with that: “Reflecting on the past and focusing on the future are not two mutually exclusive actions. Both are a must, regardless of who you are or what you do. A five-star experience in a four-and-a-half-star film. I think that’s just fine.”
Related content
Want to see more of the key cast? Watch Daveed Diggs in ‘Blindspotting’; Renée Elise Goldsberry in ‘Waves’, Jonathan Groff repeat his role as Kristoff in ‘Frozen 2’, Lin-Manuel Miranda in ‘Mary Poppins Returns’, Leslie Odom Jr. in ‘Harriet’, Phillipa Soo in the forthcoming ‘Broken Hearts Gallery’, Christopher Jackson in the forthcoming ‘In The Heights’, Jasmine Cephas Jones in ‘The Photograph’, Okiereriete Onaodowan in ‘A Quiet Place II’ and Anthony Ramos in ‘Monsters and Men’ and ‘A Star is Born’.
Ways to support the Black Lives Matter movement
Official Black Lives Matter’s Resources
Teenagers that have ‘Hamilton’ stuff on their bedroom walls
Films where they mention ‘Hamilton’
#hamilton#hamilton an american musical#disney#disney plus#disney+#lin manuel miranda#leslie odom jr#daveed diggs#founding fathers#constitution#broadway#richard rodgers theatre#jonathan groff#letterboxd#renee elise goldsberry#phillipa soo#christopher jackson#musical theater edit#musical theatre#anthony ramos
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Introductions
**PRO ANA, PRO MIA, AND THINSPO ACCOUNTS DO NOT INTERACT**
Hello to anyone reading this. I’m H and I’ve started this sideblog to document my weight loss and keep myself accountable. Let me start with a little backstory:
I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. I’ve never been super active, though I was on a couple sports teams at various points throughout my school life. I always overate as a kid and I still do it now. Eating has been a coping mechanism for me my entire life, and I would say that I am addicted to food.
I have generally been okay being heavy, but bullying is a bitch and I know that other people’s perception of me affected me and made me a nasty bitch in middle school and high school. I wasn’t in a place to understand why I acted out until I was able to distance myself from my long term abusive boyfriend and my dad stopped drinking and got out of his abusive/toxic situation. Now, I understand the effects that the trauma in my life has had on me and I’m calmer and more level-headed, so I am in a good place to start working on my physical health in conjunction with my mental health.
I know that my self-image right now isn’t healthy, and I am aiming to love my body. I am trying hard not to think of the things I might want after this, like skin removal surgery and breast reshaping, but it is hard not to imagine myself with a little sprucing up. While I don’t want to scrutinize over every flaw I have, I think the best way I can motivate myself to keep it up is taking note of my body and how I perceive certain areas, so I will update this with my reflection on how my body looks every so often.
Over the time I have been not working because of COVID-19, I have gained weight, but I have also started keeping up with infamous obese youtubers like Amberlynn Reid and Foodie Beauty, and watching channels like Charlie Gold and Petty Kitten react to them. I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t a kick in the ass to not become as big as them, but also a motivator knowing that I will never be like that, I won’t allow myself to be like them, and that I am a better person than they are. I know that thinking like that is mean and cruel, but I am here to lose weight, not monetize my addiction and appeal to feeders while maintaining an attitude of entitlement and oblivion.
While we are at it, let me just name a few of my rock bottom moments:
- my abusive ex boyfriend calling me “Whaley”
- being too heavy to ride horses
- being too big for a ride at the fair and having to get off it in front of a ton of people in public
- my brother swiping the back of m head like a debit machine
- my ability to polish of a lot of food in one go
- my lack of stamina standing, walking, exercising, being on top during sex
- crushing my boyfriend when I lay on him
- being too big to fit into 3x clothing on websites like dollskill that actually sell some interesting clothing for bigger ladies
Without too much more delay, let’s get into the facts:
Age: 18
Height: 5′11
Starting Weight: 333 pounds
Current Weight: 329 pounds
Total Loss: 4 pounds
BMI: 45.9
BMI Goal: 25
Current Goal: 300 pounds by day 30
Day: 4
Health Concerns: Morbid Obesity, PCOS and Insulin Resistance, Lactose Intolerance, Depression, Anxiety, Food Addiction.
Diet Plan: OMAD (one meal a day) and intermittent fasting.
The diet I have chosen to follow, OMAD, is one of many different diets I have tried over the course of my life. I have tried keto, I have tried vegetarianism, I have tried slimfast. The reason I have chosen this particular diet this time is because of the freedom to eat pretty much anything within the hour I set aside for myself to eat each day. It’s hard to fuck yourself up too much in an hour. After having done the diet for a few days, here is what I have noticed about it:
- I get hangry
- I am somewhat nocturnal and often sleep from 6am - 2pm, and it makes it so much easier
- The boost in energy after my feels like I am on top of the world, and the naps while digesting fuckin rock, sleepy is a good feeling when you have time set aside for it
- It is a lot of mental will power to look at my favourite foods and say no
- It is a lot of mental will power not to cram 3 meals into an hour
- It is hard to pick what I want for dinner
- Cravings hit hard
- Black Coffee is nasty
- It is easier not to consume dairy with OMAD, and not have diarrhea everyday is nice.
There are some things I have noted as well, like eating dairy at all is a big mistake. It is unpleasant to only feel full for a short period of time before violently emptying the contents of my digestive tract. The effects of lactose has on my body go so much quicker when it is the only thing I have in my body at the time. Lactaid is very hit and miss for me, and by the way the chewable tablets are actually the devil incarnate and I hate them. I have tasted vanilla in my life and that isn’t it.
I chose this diet because my boyfriend does fasting as his preferred diet method, and while I wish I could fast all day, my job requires me to have energy and I am not a happy hungry lady. I intend to do OMAD long term, but may change it up slightly if I start to struggle when I get back to work.
It should also be noted that I seriously do not recommend this diet to anyone who struggles with disordered eating (me), depression (me), anxiety (me), obesity (me), anyone who has an affliction that would make it safer for them to consume more than one meal a day (me), and people who have medications they need to take with food (me). This diet is not recommended by doctors for long term weight loss, my endocrinologist was frankly a bit shocked when I told her, and it can cause a host of problems included but not limited to:
- triggering of eating disorders
- lack of protein
- excess of carbs
- diarrhea (thanks, really needed more of that)
- nausea
- dizziness
- weakness
- extreme fatigue
So let me go ahead here and describe a little bit about my health issues, namely my PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome. PCOS is a hormonal disorder. It can cause increased levels of androgen in the body, increased hair, insulin resistance, excessive hair growth, male pattern baldness, weight gain, irregular periods, fertility problems, increase risk of developing type 2 diabetes, increase risk of high blood pressure and high cholesterol, acne and oily skin, depression, and sleep apnea, as well as increase the risk for endometrial cancers, and obviously, cause ovarian cysts. This disorder can be passed from mother to daughter, and I got it from my mom. I have been suffering with this for years.
The biggest effects on my body have been my weight, my depression, irregular periods and cysts. I currently have an IUD in place to help with the symptoms, but my periods are not even close to regular and are often brown in colour. Before hormonal birth control, I would have 2-3 periods per year that lasted about a month at a time. These periods were heavy and excruciatingly painful, and the clots I birthed were like jellyfish. I often lost enough blood to become anemic.
It should be noted that my PCOS has caused me to be resistant to insulin, and that can make it hard to lose weight and also cause some brown discolouration on the skin, which I have had on my chest and neck. I remember my mom used to scrub at my neck thinking it was dirty when my neck first started becoming discoloured.
I had my IUD placed in December of 2018, and the follow up ultrasound revealed a cyst on my right ovary that was 21cm x 21cm which required surgery. Due to that, a traumatic situation and my vegetarianism, I lost 30 pounds by March of 2019.
I have also struggled most of my life with depression and anxiety and used food to cope. I am currently on medication for that. I also take Metformin to help with the effects of the PCOS.
Here I will give a short description on the areas of my body that bother me and what I would like to see improve. I will try to be objective about what I don’t like and I will be honest about the reasons I would like to improve. I will say now that many of these reasons are cosmetic and not necessarily health related.
Inner thighs: While my legs are one of my favourite parts of my body and are in general strong and shapely, my inner thighs have a pocket of fat near my pubic mound, and I can see it when I stand up or I can see it in the mirror from behind when I bend over. I am self conscious about this because I don’t like the way it looks/hangs, and it makes it hard to be present and immersed when I am having sex or see myself as attractive if I take a picture for my boyfriend. The goal for this area is to have less hang so I can feel more relaxed during sex and any time I bend over. I also don’t particularly enjoy the thigh holes in my jeans, or that I have trouble with any sort of thigh high sock rolling.
Pubic mound: I’m not even gonna bullshit here: I just want a normal looking vulva. That’s it. I want it to be easier to access my clit, I don’t want such a prominent camel toe when I wear pants, I’d like it to be easier for my boyfriend to go down on me. I have a nice inner vulva and I want the exterior to match. I also find it hard to shave the areas between my mound and my thigh, as holding it open is not easy. That groin area is also prone to skin yeast infections and pimples and blackheads, and while I admit that they are fun to pop, it would be nice if I did not have to deal with it.
My stomach: My stomach hangs. Underneath of it is prone to those same pimples and skin yeast infections (canesten is really helpful for tinea cruris, by the way. Yeast infections are yeast infections.) and while I get some sick pops for r/popping, it isn’t attractive. My stomach is hairy and while that isn’t really totally weight related, it also isn’t cute. My belly button is often very hidden, and it would be nice to get down to a size that I could get it pierced like my mom has. The rolls of my stomach get pimples and the red marks from sitting all day are not cute and can get painful. I have the muffin top when I wear jeans, and while the look of my stomach in jeans is less than sexy, it actually doesn’t bother me all that much.I have trouble keeping up panties that are both too tight or too loose, and tights are always rolling down. If it doesn’t hit just above my waist while still being slightly tight, it isn’t even worth trying to wear at all. All my jeans and leggings are high-waisted, and a lot of them roll when I sit or bend over. As a nanny, that is a really big inconvenience, and I would like to be able to exist for an hour without having to pull up my goddamn pants/leggings/underwear/tights. God forbid I put on a garter belt. Clothes that are flattering are hard for find for obese women. I just want to wear pretty clothes and feel like a person. When I sit with my knees up, my stomach is Very Present, and I can feel it against my thighs and trying to press through the gap in the middle. It would be nice to not feel that way, and I hope that I can achieve a stomach that does not hang.
Rolls under breasts: These are real sons of bitches. Hot, hairy, red, pimply. The heat rash is real. About half to 3/4 the size of my actual breasts. They make finding a comfortable bra difficult, and I would be really happy if they got even half the size they are now.
Breasts: I don’t necessarily have a weight issue with my tibblies, but they are underdeveloped underneath and I don’t really like the shape of them so much. I am on the waiting list to see a plastic surgeon about my options. There are certain things about my chest that I don’t like that are the fault of obesity however, like the dark marks on my chest because of resistance to insulin, but I will get more into that in a bit. I also don’t love boobne, but hey, acne, amirite ladies?
My chin/neck situation: My ‘waddle’, as I so hatefully refer to it, is my least favourite part of my body. This makes me so upset. I think this is the only part of my body that I truly genuinely hate. If I could duct tape it back so I could look normal, I would. I often look at plus size and fat and obese women and think why do they have chins and necks that are ‘normal’ but not me? (spoilers: the answer is morbid obesity.) I would like to be able to wear a choker comfortably and without it being hidden by my neck. It is very hard to pop waddle pimples. I do have the insulin marks on my neck, and a dowager’s hump, which makes me feel weird if I look at it too long. I don’t like when it sticks out of my clothing, and it feels odd to look at it with a necklace on, or a choker or collar or anything like that.
My back rolls: You hate to see it, and it makes finding a bra in my size a pain. It is hard to hide them, and anything that is fitted to the boobs and then flares can exaggerate the look of them. I don’t look at them too often so it doesn’t always bother me, but they can be a pain with certain clothes. It also makes some clothes tight and restricting in a way they normally wouldn’t, like dresses or shirts that zip. Highly unpleasant, and I would like to have smoother back for cosmetic reasons.
The back of my head: I shave the underneath of my head. I’ve had my entire head shaven before, I’ve had just the sides shaven. It would be nice to get to a place where there wasn’t a roll at the back of my head. It would also be nice if my brother hadn’t swiped a card through it, but only one of those things is achievable.
My arms: I have pretty strong arms, my job requires lifting and I’ve never shied away from taking all the groceries in one trip. My arms are large but not huge. I would be happy with a little reduction in the ‘wing’ area and I would like to see my upper arms a little more streamlined when fully extended. I genuinely do have big bones, but it would be nice to be able to wear my bracelets more comfortably.
My hands: For the longest time I have been upset about the idea of ‘fat people hands’. I don’t have huge fingers, but it would be nice to fit rings on a little easier. I have large hands, because I am a tall woman, but not really fat or chubby hands like one might think of when thinking of fat people hands. My knuckles are fairly well defined, though they have dimples when my hands are flat, and have had since I was little. I think they are cute to be honest. I do not have discolouration on my fingers or knuckles.
My face: I don’t have a ton of fat on my cheeks actually. I do have a round face, but I have dimple-like indentations under my cheekbones that clearly define them. It would be nice to be a slightly slimmer face and defined jawline - any attempt at a contour is just awful. I would like to have a less prominent chin and cheeks.
So let’s talk for a bit about long term goals. I am trying to set goals for myself in chunks. I know that aiming to lose 100 pounds the first go around is highly unlikely to get me any sort of success and I know that breaking it up into smaller bits is less overwhelming and more motivating. I am seriously trying to be careful about rewarding myself with any kind of food.
Realistically, I would like to see myself get into the ‘normal’ BMI range by this time next year. I also know that to do that, I would need to lose around 170 pounds. With OMAD, you can expect to lose between half a pound and one pound a day. I do not see myself losing 170 pounds in 170 days. I do not think it is healthy to lose that much in under 6 months, and I don’t think my skin would appreciate it either, nor do I think OMAD is sustainable for that long. The idea is to try and hold out with OMAD for about 3 and a half months, and in that time, with upkeep, exercise and discipline, I could lose around 100 pounds, but I think the responsible thing would be to hope for closer to 75 pounds.
I would like to outline my goals here:
Current Goal: 300 pounds - 33 pounds lost - 41.8 BMI
Second Goal: 270 pounds - 63 pounds lost - 37.7 BMI
Third Goal: 240 - 93 pounds lost - 33.5 BMI
Fourth Goal: 210 - 123 pounds lost - 29.3 BMI
Fifth Goal: 180 - 153 pounds lost - 25.1 BMI
Final Goal: 160 - 173 pounds lost - 22.3 BMI
Knowing how much one can lose in x amount of time with OMAD, and assuming I kept with it for a year, it could take anywhere from 173 days to 346 days to reach my final goal. I know that I won’t lose the same amount every day, and I know that it will be hard to keep it off once I reach my goal.
I also know that I will need to take vitamins and supplements to make sure I don’t lose anything during this time.
I am trying not to set deadlines for when I would like to reach my goals, though ideally I would be losing about 20 pounds a month. There are some important dates that I am hoping to have lost a certain amount for, however, and based on how much I might expect to lose and some basic math, I have deemed it pretty feasible to do.
I return to work around July 6th. It is currently May 30th. In 37 days I am hoping to have reached my first goal of 33 pounds lost. I lost 4 pounds in 3 days, and I hope to keep up that pace.
The other date that I am hoping to have lost weight for is my birthday, which is August 31st. In 93 days I am hoping to have met my second goal of 63 pounds lost. I am turning 19 and very excited to celebrate.
For a little in-depth at what I am doing as far as my meal, I am eating a normal supper for me, a snack and a dessert. I am not counting calories. I’ll give some examples of what I have eaten at this time.
Day 1: Gnocchi bake with chicken, gummies, a chocolate bar, a little bit of bread and an iced tea. I made the bake with a package of sundried tomato gnocchi, one chicken breast, an olivieri package of rose sauce, like 2-3 tablespoons of herb and garlic cream cheese and onion. It was so good.
Day 2: I had the 4 bites of leftovers and some cheese bread, an iced tea, chicken strips, fries, a bite of fish, and some coleslaw. This day I felt sort of weak in the evening and so I had a fried egg sandwich with a cheese slice, mustard and mayo.
Day 3: I GUZZLED water all day long, like 4-5 bottles of water. I had crackers, the middle of a cinnamon bun, chicken strips and fries again, coleslaw and then some cake (I was celebrating a family birthday). My pee has never been so clear, let me just tell you.
One of the good things about this diet is being able to have whatever I would like as my meal for the day. I am an excellent cook (friend, family, teacher, boyfriend’s family and boyfriend approved, being fat has helped me master the kitchen) and I love doing it, so I can really get creative with my meal.
I come from a diet family, and so I am definitely supported on this diet, and my boyfriend is doing it with me, because misery loves company. Overall, I do feel hungry, but I feel satisfied with what I am doing and I have a lot more will power than I thought I did before, so I am proud of myself in that regard.
During my fasts, I try to only consume water and black coffee, which I take iced so it doesn’t nerf me with the flavour. Chewing gum is also quite helpful. My eating period is between 7p-8p, or 7p-8:30p, but that may change overtime as my sleep and activity schedule changes in the coming months.
I do not make promises on diets as a rule, but because of the nature of this diet I have made myself a promise that I will listen to my body. If I need a meal, I will eat one. If what is best for me is splitting my eating hour into two 30 minute eating periods a day for energy, especially while I work, then that is what I will do.
Like I said, the goal is to check in every day with what I ate, my general feelings and if I am changing anything, and then I will try to do a weigh in weekly, and every couple of weeks update any changes I notice in the areas I mentioned earlier that bother me as a fat person.
‘Til next time,
H
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Hi Becky, I just wanted to say thank you for being so wonderful in calling people out for being selfish, and reminding us all of the importance of social distancing. It has been really hard to go on social media and see people act like their need to be social or shop are more important than human lives, so you have really have made my day so much better by being so caring and compassionate.
If it were okay, I'd like to share my own experience with a loved one catching Covid-19, so that hopefully people will realise that it has such far reaching consequences when they ignore the rules, trying to protecting people from this virus. My aunt caught it in late March of this year, and was quickly transferred to the ICU. She ended up on a ventilator within two weeks, and her medical team told her siblings to prepare for the worst. They still don't know how she survived.
She is incredibly lucky that she survived but this virus has completely changed her life. She does not expect to go back to work within the next two years as she simply does not have the stamina or energy anymore. This is partly because her lung capacity has greatly diminished due to being on the ventilator, and the nature of the virus. It took weeks of physical therapy for her to life her arms over her head. She doesn't leave the house most days as she's too scared of catching it again.
The toll all of this has taken on her and our family is massive. My mother started to experience panic attacks; my sister's panic attacks increased; my brother's OCD increased; and my anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation have increased. The only time my aunt has seen us is when we drove up and waved at her from a distance. Her own mother hasn't had a chance to hug her, because other people have decided that shopping and partying are more important than other people's health.
I'm sorry if I have upset you but I just need people to understand that this virus does not care for you. It does not care for mental health. It does not care if you haven't hugged your friends in months. It does not even care for your physical health. A healthy 24 year old was in the ICU at the same time as my aunt; and he needed up on a ventilator as well. If people have any decency, they should stay the fuck at home if they can. You will save lives. You will make the world a better place.
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hi, anon! i'm sorry it took me a hot minute to respond to your message. i haven't been ignoring it, i've just been avoiding my inbox for the past few days.
first of all, i just want to say how incredibly sorry i am for what you and your family have gone through, especially your aunt. that sounds absolutely awful. i truly cannot even imagine. i’m so glad to hear that you still have your aunt but i’m so sorry to hear that she’s still struggling. please give her my love. i hope that she continues to recover. she's been through so much. i'm also so sorry for the stress that you and your family have been under. it sounds horrific. i don't want to overstep or preach at you, but if you can, i would highly recommend reaching out to someone for virtual therapy. your family has been through a trauma and you all deserve all the help you need in order to find some sort of healing.
second of all, thank you for sending me this message. this is an incredibly important reminder that this virus is not a joke. it is not the flu. and you're totally right when you say that it does not care. it does not care who you are, where you live, how old you are, or what you want. it doesn't care about your birthdays, your halloween, your thanksgiving, your christmas. it's not going to take the day off so you can go to a bar or go out with your friends. it just infects. it infects everything and it destroys. it upends lives and kills off loved ones. it is an awful threat and we need to take this seriously. watching people go about their lives as if everything is normal is enraging because it's just complete and utter selfishness, plain and simple.
nobody needs to be having parties right now. nobody needs to go out to packed restaurants and bars. nobody needs to be going club hopping during a global pandemic. nobody should be able to put their material wants above other people's lives and to see people doing that so carelessly, without giving a second thought to the lives of others, is extraordinarily disheartening and disappointing.
this virus is a beast, it’s a terrifying beast, and the only thing we can do to fight it, to protect ourselves and, more importantly, to protect others is to follow the guidelines, maintain social distancing, wear masks, wash our hands, and, for the love of god, stay home.
#thank you for sending me this anon#it's a hard read but an important one that i think a lot of people need to read#covid19#this has been a psa#asks#anon#signal boost
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Why this Non-Trump Voter Thinks Trump Could Win 2020
I am a registered independent and both parties have ideals I agree with, and sadly those I don’t. Therefore, I am always left out and just looking for who will better support some of the more important values that I believe in. I did not vote for Trump, and because I need healthcare (among other things), I cannot support a man who wants to destroy the healthcare plan that I am on, without a real plan in place that will protect people with pre-existing conditions. Trump says ObamaCare is a horrible program! But what the heck has he offered??? Nothing! I can't take small talk to the doctor or hospital if and when you take away my health plan, and have to wait for small business enrollment in Florida (1x a year) to kick in and charge me tons of money to cover my pre-existing condition!
When Bush was President, health insurance was costing me over $1,200/month, and now under the Affordable Care Act (a/k/a Obama Care which is really why Trump hates it... it doesn’t have his NAME!!), I am paying approximately $600.00 a month for a really good plan. Make no mistake, by now my plan would cost AT LEAST $1400.00-$1500.00, since I am 16-20 years older than when Bush was President. Let me not forget how Obamacare saved the life of my best friend, who would otherwise NOT have gone to the doctor, and not have discovered a life threatening illness, which but for the Grace of God, she did. Because of her health plan, she received the best care and treatment, and thank God survived one of the worst diagnosis one could get. She got the plan two (2) weeks before she went to the doctor! This is what Trump wants to take away! Trump wants to take away lifesaving care without a REAL PLAN in place to help millions of Americans.
And make no mistake; sadly, I think people who are on that plan, who rely on this plan, who have family or friends who need that plan, etc. etc. will still NAIVELY and IGNORANTLY vote for Trump.
Why do I think that enough people would vote for Trump and that he can win? Well... Let’s think about it:
1-He is campaigning like a high energy Super Bowl Team in all the swing states, bringing with him his own type of electrifying energy, electrifying his base, and those who are still on the fence and can feel some of that electricity as the attendees and media blare their excitement of his visit. Make no mistake, these visits matter. When I ran for Judge 14 years ago, I was an unknown an the youngest in my race. I didn’t have the type of ethnic or Anglo name needed to win in my County. However, every area that I was able to heavily campaign in, make speeches, meet people, I WON. I didn’t win that election, but I won those areas. So I realized that meeting people matters, and in this race, make no mistake, these super spreader events excite people. They don’t care about COVID while they are there, and for the most part have learned to live with it. They just care that the biggest Super Bowl team came to their town and made them feel GOOD! I know Biden has toured, but I’m sorry it doesn’t come close. I know he was doing social distancing etc, but the car thing isn’t exciting nor generating the amount of crowds and energy that it needs.
2-COVID- yes believe it or not, without COVID, Trump might have been up in the polls without issue. Then COVID happened which threw him down in the polls, and then his apparent lack of handling it, threw him even further down. Then he got COVID, and believe it or not, even though he didn’t seize the opportunity to come out more contrite, which would have assured him a win, he still earned a lot of points. How: A) because America saw him as human and actually felt scared for their President (even some of the ones that didn’t vote for him); B) America got to see that he BEAT IT! Yes, he has the best doctors and treatment etc, but America saw that this 74 year old overweight man, who got sick enough to need treatment, still BEAT IT! So now America sees COVID (foolishly or not) not to be so feared, which deep down everyone wants to believe. These two results of Trump getting COVID actually earned him voters as people felt scared for him and then happy at his beating COVID, signaling the Country and they could too could slay this dragon; and finally C) people are seeing the country economically recover and attributing this to his lack of fear of COVID, and the desire to keep the country out of lockdown which most Americans are fed up with.
3-Fracking- For the love of God Joe, you don’t denounce fracking like that when you need the swing states in the way that you do. Instead you CONFIDENTLY say, “don’t worry, our plan is to slowly bring in safe alternate sources of energy while we freely train current workers and so many more (as we will have so many jobs created) to transition into great and even BETTER paying safer jobs. NO ONE WILL LOSE ONE JOB, and I can guarantee even BETTER Jobs for you all.” But instead, you have Trump in Pennsylvania, and other swing states scaring people that they will lose their jobs.
4-Law and Order-Make no mistake, I believe the police have systemic racism and needs serious training and overhauling. But Biden and Democrats need to COMPLETELY distance themselves from the anarchist propaganda of defunding the police. That was NEVER a train to ride. From the first use of those words, BIDEN should have never bitten, not even a nibble. Now with the visual of businesses boarding up, Trump is touting about these rioters and giving the illusion to those voters less capable to comprehend the difference, that this is what the Democrats, i.e. Joe are doing and allowing. From the get go, Dems and Joe should have aggressively, I mean hot tooting crazy like attacked and distances themselves from it.
5-COVID AGAIN-I wear masks (2), I barely go out, etc, but like most Americans, we are tired of hearing about COVID. When that is all that you hear, gloom and doom, and Biden talks about dark days, it just doesn’t sit so well. Strangely enough, to people on the fence now, Trump seems like the guy that wants to give you freedom and a cheery positive outlook of life, while the Democrats, CNN, MSNBC, etc., are painting this bleak picture and more lockdowns, that no one wants to keep hearing about.
6-The Darn Polls- So many polls tooting a Biden victory whether true or not, are only making on the fence people, the lazy, the unmotivated, the unenergized Democratic voters say, “they don’t need me, ... I’m not so excited.. or Biden will win anyway.” Meanwhile, the Trump supporters are freaking out and making sure they show up in massive droves to help their Super Bowl Team, I mean their guy. Plus, any poll should really discount a lot of points away from Biden, because really, there are a lot of paranoid secretive, conspiracy believing, or seemingly ashamed Trump voters who will not participate. Remember, a bleeding hard liberal is more likely to be kind to a pollster and answer a poll; and a right winger will say, “I have nothing to say, leave me alone,” hang up, etc...
7-Socialism-Kill this socialism crap- The Dems should have killed this idea long ago, and Biden should have been VERY ASSERTIVE and vocal about how he is for middle of the road values (yes I know this might alienate the Bernie people, but that’s what Bernie is for. And if this party is so crazy to sit out and let Trump win because Biden isn’t left enough, well then the party has bigger issues which no amount of therapy can fix).
8-The last Debate- Trump basically showed people he is not so crazy, he can have restraint, he wasn’t rude. People who were running away from him after the first debate or on the fence, came back after he showed America and the world that he isn’t so bad.
9-Strength and POWER- Basically, aside from the fact that Trump often appears to be a bully, lately, more than anything he has shown stamina and strength. People like that, and want to join the stronger looking team, and the man that never ever seems to stop, and confidently never takes NO for an answer. People, like to support the one that appears to never back down, never accept defeat, never look weak, and never quit!
10-Too many people believe his lies, those of the crazies on Facebook, and the alt right that disseminate the worst of the fake news. Sadly THE DEMS DON'T STRONGLY and DEFINITIVELY ATTACK THEM!! Every talking point should have been hit with a barrage of targeted commercials and aggressive stump speeches. People need to be told for example, “TRUMP brags about the economy, he hopes you have amnesia and forget that OBAMA left him with a booming economy, and only an untrained monkey could ruin it. All Trump did was NOT destroy it YET, but his tax cuts to the MILLIONAIRES (not you AMERICA making under 400k) will cause us a depression if he is in office four more years because you can only pay so much to help the country without having income we used to rely on coming in.”
Well, that’s all folks. I hope I am wrong, but if it doesn’t go as the untrustworthy polls show, these are some of the main reasons why. These points are for that small percentage that pick the winner in most Presidential elections, not for the firmly committed of either party. Also, if Biden doesn’t win, then those who protested this summer did not all come out to vote, and that’s shameful!
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Birthday Week!
It’s my birthday week! And it’s the weirdest birthday week. Normally, my birthday is like national holiday levels of excitement! I actually forgot Monday that this was my birthday week. Granted, I was excited about other things Monday. (More on that later!) I haven’t been to the office for work at all this week. I keep meaning to go in, get a coffee on my way. But then I just wake up and feel like staying home instead. I think I like the choice. Wake up and decide, work from home or go to the office. I mean, the office is nice in some ways, but most days I just want to stay home with the dogs instead.
We went out for a beer Tuesday night, to one of our local breweries who has tasty beer and a nice outdoor patio! Wednesday, our friends asked if we wanted to go to the same brewery, we declined. I keep having to remember how old I’m turning. Is this just a getting older thing? Ha! I’m excited for Sunday, but more for the Denali park road than for my birthday.
Monday was awesome though! Okay, so most of you know these things... but in case you don’t, a little backstory. I have always admired working dogs. In particular, sled dogs. Balto! Oh man, I loved that story as a kid. (As an adult, I know that Togo was actually the lead dog for much of the run, but Balto was just the one who ran into Nome on the final stretch, and he got all the credit!) I found out about the Iditarod, and I was just enthralled with the sled dogs! A race to honor the original medicine run! How cool! (Now, living in Alaska, I think the Iditarod is a little too publicized and famous. The Yukon Quest is more true to mushing roots, and is my preferred long race.) I never stopped loving sled dogs. I always thought it’d be so cool to have working dogs, doing a job. When we decided on moving to Alaska, that was my big thing. I want land outside of town, close to trails. Enough for kennels. That’s a big part of the reason we chose the land we did. Just in case I had a sled dog kennel of my own. I took a break from my IT job in California, to work with dogs for a while. I took a course on dog training, to get more knowledge and skills. I apprenticed with a trainer friend. Last winter here, I tried to find a kennel to volunteer at. Everyone wanted full time help. So, I volunteered at hte Yukon Quest. Oh man, that was one of the best experiences. I absolutely loved it! So spring rolled around, and I tried again to find a kennel. But that’s right around when covid started, so I had no luck again.
Fast forward... I saw a request from a local kennel, asking for help a few days a week, a few hours a day for a couple months. I took a chance and reached out. Told her it was my dream to work with sled dogs. And... we met! We planned for me to join them on a run, and learn some basics. So, now we are caught up... Monday! My first sled dog run!!!! Now, in case it isn’t obvious, sleds only work in snow. So for now, they are getting hooked to a 4-wheeler and running that way. It’s summer training runs, so the goal is to keep them running at a consistent pace and to gradually increase the miles they run to increase their stamina. It was AMAZING! I learned about the gang line and the tug lines, and I harnessed and hooked some of the dogs to the lines on my own. I learned basic mushing commands, and watched the dogs in action. I helped unhook and unharness them when we got back. I helped with basic yard chores. It was absolutely amazing and I cannot wait to go help more! It has been a dream for so long. And I gotta say, it is absolutely amazing to be working with sled dogs! Maybe one day I really will have my own kennel! :)
So I don’t know, maybe it’s an odd birthday week because I’m excited about life in general? Okay, that’s super cliche. But honestly, Alaska has been the best move for me. People talk about soulmates in people. But I’ve been wondering, is it possible to find a “soulmate” in a location? A place where your soul is at peace and where you just KNOW you’re supposed to be? This really is that place for me. 2020 has been such an awful year in so many ways. But.. even in that, I’ve had major exciting life events. Even in all the awfulness, I’ve followed my dreams. And it’s paying off! It’s truly amazing!
Alright, that was a bit of a novel. I suppose as a thank you, if you made it this far. Recent pup pictures! They are loving me staying home more, and yes, they are all crowded around my “work desk” (aka kitchen table). Now we just need to find a job for Holden where he can also stay home!
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