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tightwadspoonies · 3 years

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Grocery Store Gardens

Did you know that if you buy just about any fresh veg from a grocery store, you can grow more of it on your own?

It’s true!

While some of these methods might not net you tons of produce, they’re a fun project and can at least save you a little in produce expenditures (and decrease waste!) if you were originally planning on throwing the seeds/butts/eyes of your fresh veggies away, here’s a chance to give them new life!

From Seed:

Trying to harvest and grow fruit and veg from seed is often the least reliable way to grow veg from supermarket produce (due to hybrids and interbreeding, which means you’re never really sure what you’re going to get-if anything- with grocery harvested seeds), but since seeds are familiar, it’s definitely worth mentioning! Seeds that are most likely to grow are those that have not been irradiated (which stops the seeds from being able to grow), and those that are fully mature (for example, colorful peppers instead of green peppers, which are not ripe enough to produce viable seeds). It is advisable to wait until the fruit/veg is very ripe or overripe before harvesting your seeds.

Tomatoes: Slice ripe tomatoes into slices, and place 4 of the slices in a gallon container of potting soil. Cover with a half inch or so more potting soil, place in a warm, sunny place, and keep moist. Seedlings should start sprouting in 7-14 days, at which time you should pull the strongest ones and re-plant them in their own pots. Once there is no longer a danger of frost, you can plant these in the ground outside or move their pots outside on a patio.

Peppers: Remove seeds from ripe (orange, yellow, or red peppers are most likely to be ripe) peppers, dry them for a few days. Once dry, test your seeds by placing them in a clear zip bag with a damp paper towel in it, and taping this to a window. The ones that sprout (time to sprouting can vary) can be moved to starting trays or their own pots. Once there is no longer a danger of frost, you can plant these in the ground outside or move the pots outside on a patio.

Winter Squash: Wait until the squash is as ripe as possible without rotting (slightly rotten is fine if you weren’t planning to eat it, or didn’t get the chance to), then remove the seeds and let dry for several days. Do as you would for peppers. Keep in mind that the squash that grow from grocery store squash seeds may be very different than the squash they came from.

Citrus fruits: Remove whole seeds from the citrus fruit of your choice, and place in a bowl of water. The ones that sink are the most developed and have the best chance of growing. Wrap in a damp paper towel and place in a clear zip bag but leave the bag slightly open. Place in a dark place (like a drawer or in your closet) for 2-6 weeks, until 2 small leaves are clearly visible. Carefully plant this tiny plant in a container of soil. Keep the soil moist. If kept well, this will form a tree that will bear fruit in 3-6 years. In a warm climate the pot can be moved outside, while in a cooler one you may want to keep your tree inside in the winter.

Avocado/Mango: Do as you would for citrus fruits, but instead of waiting for leaves, just wait until the root is about 3in long before taking it out and planting it in a pot (you will have to scrub the mango pit clean, let it dry a few days, and remove the outer part of the pit to get to the large bean-like thing in the middle, you do not have to do this for the avocado). Note that it will take about 8 years to start producing fruit, and when/if it does, it may not produce the kind of fruit you were expecting. But they do make a nice houseplant!

Stone fruits (peaches, apricots, plums, etc...): Place the pits in a small jar of dirt in your fridge for 3-4 months, until they start sprouting roots. When they begin to root, take them out of the fridge and plant them in pots. These are another 3-6 year investment, but of all the store-bought-pit-trees, these are probably going to produce fruit that is most similar to the original fruit.

From an existing base or part of the fruit/root:

Growing things from existing parts of plants will yield you a lot more consistent results and is often a lot easier than growing from seed, but it is a little more of a unique challenge!

Onion/Green onion/Celery: Cut the base off the onion or celery bunch about an inch from the roots. Set in a small, shallow container about half-full of water, coming up only a quarter to a half inch up on the base. In a few days, you’ll see shoots come up and roots start to form. Change water every day or so until there are plentiful roots, and then transplant to a container filled with potting soil, where they will continue to grow.

Turnips/Beets: Cut the root off about 2 inches below the top. Eat the root and plant the top in some potting soil so the very top is just sticking out of the soil. It will grow greens, which you can harvest and eat raw or sauté, and over time the rood will re-grow.

Potatoes/Sweet Potatoes: Wait until eyes start to form on your old potatoes. Cut them up, making sure that at least one sprouting eye is on each piece. Get a deep container like a trash can and fill the bottom 6in with gravel or rocks. Fill the container with potting soil/dirt and bury your potato pieces about an inch deep. They will shoot up leaves and stems within about a week (you can eat sweet potato leaves, but NOT white potato leaves). Place outside if it’s after the last freeze where you live or keep inside by a window. Wait about 4-5 months or until the above ground plants die, then dump out the container and find all your new potatoes! Its like a scavenger hunt!

Garlic:

Outdoor: Stick a single clove of garlic 2 inches deep in the dirt in the fall a few weeks to a month before the ground freezes. The bigger the clove, the bigger your bulb will be when you harvest. Cover with mulch or straw or cardboard or whatever you have if you live in an area with cold winters. Harvest in July/August the next year.

Indoor, for garlic greens: Plant 3-4 cloves in a pot by a sunny window. The cloves will shoot up greens within about 2 weeks, which you can cut and use like garlic.

Ginger: Essentially, take a piece of ginger with some eyes on it (more likely if it is older (but not shriveled) or organic, as conventional ginger is often treated with growth retardants which make it take a lot longer to grow) and do as suggested for avocado/mango, as above. You can harvest the above-ground shoots and it will grow more ginger below ground over time!

#food #tightwadery #grocery gardens

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gallavictorious · 3 years

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Could you share more thoughts about the intro and the possibility of aftercare?

Hello, nonnie! I like you! XD

Starting off with why this whole moment reeks of aftercare potential: consider the way that Ian's entire focus is on Mickey, watching him – watching over him – with that small, fond smile on his face, while Mickey is, unusually, not paying Ian any real attention, but is seemingly slightly lost in content (un)thought instead, like he's happy but maybe a little bit out of it? (Hello, subspace.) And then Ian's immediate and rather aggressive reaction when We, The Intruder appears; he gets up to physcially chase us out and close the door (protective much, dom top daddy?) while Mickey remains quiet on the bed, uncharacteristically passive. What other possibility is there but aftercare?

… yeah, okay, I'm sure there are ways to read this scene that does not involve Ian taking care of Mickey while Mickey's coming down from a scene, but I'm personally not really seeing it, you know? Terribly limited imagination, me. 😏

Anyway. While the canonicity of the intros is... well, isn't... I think there's quite a bit of potential in blithely ignoring that to instead try to determine exactly when this moment – that absolutely did happen! – takes place. Just makes for some interesting possbilities, you know?

See, we know that they're in their new place and that they haven't switched the air mattress for Ian's old one yet; that gives us only a very few nights to play with. (Bear with me, I'm halfway sure it's worth sorting this out.)

The morning of 11x11 has very strong first morning in a new flat vibes (with Ian wanting to check out the amenities and Mickey wanting to sort out the practical shit) and given Mickey's general unhappiness with moving, I just don't see them getting up to that sort of stuff on the eve they moved in. Then all of 11x11 takes place during one single day and the last we see of Ian and Mickey then is them getting handsy in their old room. Prior to 11x12 I rather thought they'd spend that night at the Gallagher house, but Mickey noting that they came there to get some of Ian's stuff when Ian has the gall to protest him stealing Debbie's potato masher in 11x12 suggests they arrived there in the morning for that express purpose and thus can be assumed to have spent the night (their second on the West Side) in their own apartment. Considering that they pick up Ian's old mattress and the intro happens with them on the air mattress, I'd argue that we can confidently place that sweet scene either on the night between 11x11 or, possibly, on the night after the anniversary party. (Because they'd want to install the proper mattress as quickly as possibly, sure, but if they don't go home between picking it up and the party I doubt they'll be in the right state to get it up and into their bedroom once they finally stagger home that night.)

Of these two options, I'm leaning towards the former, i.e. the night following them making up and agreeing to stay on the West Side. (After the party I see them being very eager and a bit drunk and not really interested in anything advanced – which would admittedly explain why they might, say, forget their keys in the lock and leave the door open, allowing a concerned neighbor to wander into their apartment. Anyway, I imagine a lot of highly enthusiastic but not necessarily very imaginative sex that night.)

And it's just rather easy to picture it right after 11x11, you know? They're in their old room, kissing and kissing; Mickey has shifted to straddle Ian's thighs. After a little while Ian pulls back, just a little.

”Wanna take this back to our place?” he says and Mickey might have asked if they have to do it right now when things were just about to get real interesting, but he sees the hopeful look on Ian's face so he just smiles: ”Sure.”

So they drive back – home – and maybe they don't say all that much to each other on the way? Things are not tense, not anymore, not at all, but there's something between then; something almost shy, maybe; expectant. As they park the car and move up the stairs Mickey can feel Ian sneaking glance after glance at him and the moment they're through the door, Ian grabs hold of his shoulder and pushes him against the wall, kissing him, kissing him, and pouring all of himself and all of his love for Mickey into that kiss.

Mickey smiles widely into it, the way he often does. He has his hands on Ian's arms and after a while he tries to push back, going for that old back and forth they so often engage in, but Ian doesn't budge at all. He holds Mickey in place, gaze steady and sure and intent as he pulls back just slightly to look at his husband.

Mickey raises one eyebrow, because, oh, okay, it's like that, huh? A particular and familiar shiver runs through his body, anticipation mingling with glee and raw desire. Bring it the fuck on.

Ian brings it the fuck on. Maybe there are restraints and long, slow, deliberate but very loving teasing. Maybe there's dirty words and commands and endearments murmured while pale fingers twists sharply in dark hair. Maybe they have fun playing barbarian and put upon husband putting him in his place. Either way, Ian's entire focus is on Mickey and all the things that make Mickey feel good. It's a very particular sort of makeup sex, perhaps, but that's what it is, really. Or... maybe it's less Ian trying to make amends and more him assuring Mickey, in the language they've both always understood perfectly, that Mickey is seen and known and loved for all that he is, and that he'll always be centre of Ian's world. No need to change; no need to hide.

Once they're (un)done, Ian helps Mickey to his feet. (I believe it's @whatwouldmickeydo who noted that they can't well get up to anything very energetic at all on that unreliable air mattress [and who also wrote a fic I think might interest you, nonnie!], so they've probably been getting busy elsewhere? In the kitchen maybe, where there are convenient counters. Not like they're unused to fucking in places other than the bedroom, so they make do.) Holds him steady against his chest with one arm while he pours him a glass of water with the other. Runs his hand down Mickey's naked back while he drinks.

”You good?” Ian asks once the glass is empty, but Mickey just grunts something intellligble and buries his face in Ian's shoulder. Not incapable of speech, you see; just utterly uninterested in it at the moment.

Ian smiles, privately, fondly, and presses a soft kiss to his husband's damp hair before helping him into their bedroom (after grabbing a convenient chocolate bar for when Mickey starts coming back to himself). Wipes them both down; brings out two pairs of clean boxers; guides Mickey down onto the mattress, never once breaking physical contact.

If there are marks that need seeing to, they are seen to. There are words of reassurance and praise and love. There are little pecks pressed to Mickey's swollen and slack lips, gentle fingers brushing over his face, a blanket pulled up to cover them both. Ian puts his arm across Mickey's chest in half an embrace and smiles as Mickey's hand shifts to rest on it. They lie there, Mickey still floating on feeling so very safe and sore and cherished, and Ian watching him like he's the only person that matters in the whole world; the only person that exists.

(At least until Mickey blinks a few times and stretches his neck from side to side, giving Ian a very much present look as he notes something along the lines of damn gallagher, couldn't you have pulled this shit last night, I'd've been out like a fucking candle and Ian snorts and retorts that he's not out like a fucking candle now so shut up and have some chocolate asshole ❤️)

Those are some of my thoughts, nonnie. Thank you for asking. <3

#the ways i love thinking about this...#11x11 #gallavich #meta ficlet #asks

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auro-ora · 4 years

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Remember That Night

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: you had a one night stand with Bucky and now you’re pregnant. To make matters worse, you two haven’t spoken to each other since, until one night.

Warnings: angst, unplanned pregnancy, mentions of sex, smut, unprotected sex, 18+ fluff :)

Word Count: 1,600

Notes: @jobean12-blog here it iiiis <3 okay so the smut in this was totally unplanned (like her pregnancy tehehe see what I did there?) and this is my first time writing smut and I knoooow it sucks :c but anyway! I enjoyed writing this :) feedback is welcome! Thank you for reading and wish you a bootiful day.

Since the morning you found out you were pregnant, you were happier and there was more bounce in your steps. Everyone in the compound noticed it and when they asked why, you just simply shrugged and carried on with your day. You also adopted a more healthier lifestyle; no caffeine products, more water, better foods. The cravings were driving you wild though, waking up at 3 a.m. for some pickles usually which you kept secretly stashed away in your own pantry in the kitchen. Tonight was one of those nights, it was currently 2:54 a.m. and you were craving for some of those pickles and some ice cream. “Anything for you, little baby.” you chuckled, caressing your barely-there bump. You were only a couple of weeks gone, around 12 weeks to be precise.

The pregnancy was completely unplanned and an accident, it happened after a rather difficult mission, you and Bucky sought comfort in each other and ended up having sex the whole night. You used protection which was why this was a total surprise, but even you knew condoms weren’t entirely effective. Previously, you harbored a crush on Bucky for a long time. He was sweet, gentle, caring, handsome, his thick thighs were incredible and his bicep even better. He was everything you wanted in a man; beard, shaggy hair, tall, muscular. He doesn’t know about your pregnancy, but the mere fact that he is the father to your baby makes you really happy and really scared all at the same time because you didn’t know how Bucky would react, the girls knew of your crush and when they tried to find out if he was interested in you or anyone else, he came out and confessed he didn’t want a relationship with anyone.

But to make the situation much harder, the two of you haven’t spoken to each other since that night. The morning after you rolled over and patted his side of the bed to find it cold and empty, then when you met him in the kitchen an hour later and wished him a good morning, he ignored you but continued to talk to Wanda about his plans for the day. You would be lying if you said it didn’t hurt, because it still hurt now. The two of you were close friends up until that point you went to bed together and now it seemed like he was completely regretting it. Maybe the two of you were just lost in the moment.

The air in the compound was chilly as you walked down the hall and into the kitchen, pulling the sleeves of your sweater over your hands to keep them warm. Your socks sliding against the marble floor with each stride over to your pantry. Bending slightly to look for the jar of pickles hidden behind some potato chips in the back. “Hmm would you rather some cookies?” you patted your belly and chuckled. “No? Okay, pickles it is you fussy little one.” grabbing the jar from the back, the cupboard door shuts with a bang.

You spun on your heels and almost dropped the jar of pickles, your eyes wide as you stared into those all familiar eyes. “Bucky.” you whispered. Subconsciously pulling the sweater from your belly to make it more baggy. “Who are you talking to?” he asked looking around the kitchen. “Nobody! I was talking to myself.” you chuckled awkwardly, your eyes darting all over the place. Bucky’s senses tell him you’re lying but he decides not to press any further. “Do you want some tea?” he offers pointing his finger to the cupboard where the green tea lives. “Sure.”

As Bucky made the tea, you made yourself comfortable on the stool putting the jar of pickles in front of you. The air is thick with tension, this being the first time you’re actually talking in months. “I haven’t talked to you in a while.” you said breaking the ice. Bucky exhaled as he put the two cups of green tea down on the counter. You quietly thanked him and sipped the hot beverage, the flavor dancing around on your taste buds. “Why are you eating pickles at this time of the morning?” Bucky wondered. “Uh, I kind of have an addiction to them.” you lied, well technically your baby had an addiction. You kinda smiled at the thought. Bucky watched you closely, you were more fidgety than usual, you’re not making eye contact with him, you’re hiding something and Bucky knows you’re lying.

The two of you sat in awkward and uncomfortable silence, unable to pull a conversation out of the other. Bucky still thinks about that night he spent with you, it was the best night of his life. You were the first girl he slept with since the 1940s. He still remembers how tight you felt around him, how your walls clenched when he hit that deep spot, the way your breasts bounced with each thrust. The noises he pulled from you that night, he still remembers them like it was only last night. Your fingers interlaced as he brought pleasure to you both, the wetness on the condom, the way you tasted on his tongue still fresh on his mind.

“Do you remember that night?” Bucky asked suddenly. You bit your lip and smiled. Of course you did, that night was also the best night for you. No man before Bucky has ever been able to make you cum so hard and so many times. You squeeze your thighs just thinking about the way he felt dragging his huge length through your walls and pushing back in.

“Of course.” you answered, a slight blush sweeping across your cheeks. “I don’t regret it Y/N.” he offers a genuine smile, one you gladly return. “Me neither. I just wished we could have stayed friends after it.” you answered sadly looking down into your cup. “We are friends.” you shook your head and stood up, the overwhelming guilt suddenly washes over you.

The sudden urge to tell him the truth because it’s his baby too and he deserves to know. “We won’t be after I tell you…” you blink back tears. You feel Bucky stand behind you just from the heat radiating from his body, his metal hand resting on your waist before he slides it further around on your belly and you hold your breath. “Tell me what?” his voice is husky in your ear, he pulls you back towards his body. His hardness digging into your butt. He’s been thinking about you too.

Without warning, Bucky spins you around and your lips clash. A moan escapes and Bucky uses this opportunity to slip his tongue between your lips. His hands slip under your sweater and he groans when he feels you’re not wearing underwear. He picks you up and sets you down on the counter, nudging your legs open with his knee as he drops his sweatpants down to his ankles and lines himself up to your entrance. Simultaneously moaning when he enters, the familiar full feeling coming back to you just like that night. His thrusts are quick and needy. He’s raw and throbbing against your wet walls.

You wrap your legs around his waist and pull him closer. His thrusts deeper and harder, your slick covering most of his length and onto the floor but neither of you care. He dips his head to nip and suck at your pulse point. His fingers slipping between your conjoined bodies as he flicks his thumb over your throbbing clit. “AH FUCK!” you bury your face in his face to muffle your moans and screams. His fingers are bruising against your waist. His thumb is working your clit over and you cum over him with a muffled cry. Your body shaking and your walls squeezing him tightly. His thrusts become languid and a few strokes, you feel him swell against your walls and then the feeling of his hot cum shooting inside you. “Fuck.” he moans breathlessly. Sheens of sweat glistens on your skin. He leans his forehead against yours, just staring into each other’s eyes.

There’s no words spoken but in this moment, none are needed. “I’m sorry doll, I’ve just missed you so much and I had to make sure she was in there.” he smiled sheepishly, his eyes are dark and hooded. “She?” you questioned digging your heels into his butt. “Come on doll, I know I’m old but I know you’re pregnant.” he pulled out, leaving you empty and cold just like that morning in bed. “How did you…?”

Bucky helped you down from the counter, your legs turned to jelly from your activity, he helped you to get dressed and made you both a fresh cup of green tea. “My new arm has this feature, it picks up my teammates heartbeats and it vibrates.” he wiggled his eyebrows at the last statement. “Your heart was beating strong, then I heard a fainter one in your stomach.” he smiled.

A single tear dropped rolled down your cheek. “Are you- are you mad at me?” you asked in barely a whisper. “Of course I’m not. I’m just a little upset you didn’t tell me sooner. I want to be here for you and for the baby. I wanna be with you doll. Haven’t stopped thinking about you since that night.” you walked slowly over to him, your legs still felt numb and took his hand in yours, placing the palm of his over your belly. “We want you too.”

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silvysartfulness · 4 years

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Top 5 xue yang moments

Okay, so, this will be long. I could infodump Xue Yang metas and headcanons for hours. Brace.

1: His expressions in the Unclean Realm from Episode 10.

He looks entirely unafraid being dragged to his death, just shifting seamlessly between bored, amused and unabashedly curious. Most famously outside the gates, but also doing background faces while the others argue inside with Nie Mingjue, and still analyzing and sniggering when the captain derides Meng Yao.

You can just see the wheels turning in his head - ”I can use this”. Which is amusing, considering how earlier in the same episode, Meng Yao gives him that exact same look. ”I can use this.”

The beginning of a beautiful mutual exploitation of each other. They might even call it friendship. ♥

2: The whole scene that night in the Coffin House when he's trying to resurrect Xiao Xingchen. The increasingly wild mood swings from shocked ”this will be fine” denial as he washes the blood from Xiao Xingchen’s fingers to the absolutely sweet and adorable setting of the dinner table (and that Soft Look), the slow realizing something's wrong, the very human shaking the talismans a bit as though that'll actually do something, the leaning over to sniff/feel for breath/kiss and following horrible realization, the terror and grief instantly shifting into fury, then back into grief, then back to anger and negotiation, despair again, and finally deranged hope. That whole scene, fuck, it wrings my heart dry every single time.

3: His actual death scene, kneeling in the dirt, the way he looks at Fuxue when it comes into view, then getting stabbed, not even trying to avoid it, and falling... and then the jerky little movement of his hand to bring the candy into view so he can look at it, remember Xiao Xingchen and ”how nice that would be”, finally dying with a soft smile on his face.

(I have developed a pavlovian response to the background music in this scene. Even where it's used at other places in the series, I get goose bumps and my eyes tear up. And that last camera pan to the black lantern swaying in the wind, all of the funeral decorations of Yi City become a monument to the dealer of death who has died, my heart. If anyone knows a place to find that track, please please let me know. It's not on the OST and I want it.)

4: The scene where Xiao Xingchen confronts him, and he actually bares his heart in a final desperate attempt to actually get Xiao Xingchen to understand him, even as everything is going down in flames. The raw emotions on his face that entire scene, they kill me.

How their whole last confrontation is filmed like a battle – Xiao Xingchen attacking first, stabbing him, then Xue Yang pressing forward with his hand raised to tell his truth, Xiao Xingchen pressing him back again with his merciless accusations, Xue Yang parrying back with horrible revelations that make Xiao Xingchen stagger back, finally driving him all the way back and to his knees, to finally fall. The choreography of that entire conversation is poetry, and it hurts.

5: Xue Yang's interaction with Wei Wuxian in episode 37, once the juniors have been sent out to let the grownups talk.

There are just fractured glimpses of his old self – he's enjoying this! He's enjoying it a lot! Their weird little compliment-insult game! It's fun!

And then peppered through with madness – the glassy, teary-eyed look in his eyes when Wei Wuxian brings up the Chang and Baixue and he laughs and laughs. (this is not a happy laugh.)

Only to be instantly 300% laser-focused the moment the fierce corpses burst through the wall, snatching the soul-pouch back in an instant. Because this may be fun. But it's all still for a purpose.

The sweet smiling nagging could be cute if there wasn't enough desperation beneath that even emotional log-head Wei Wuxian picks up on it enough to throw it back into his face in the confrontation a few eps later ”Why did you beg on your knees for me to bring him back?”

...

It's hard to pick just 5, though!

I love the silly game with Xiao Xingchen, where he blatantly cheats, only to instantly admit to it and going anyway, the way he grabs onto his arm to pull him back (clearly no longer hiding left-hand touches!) in a way that's really too rough but so affectionate at the same time. ♥

I love the shameless flirting with Xiao Xingchen when he whines and begs to be allowed to go with him night-hunting (abandonment issues or just wanting the chance to get Xiao Xingchen to do horrible things? Both?) and the bum-touch when they're climbing onto the roof.

I love how ridiculously helpful he is in Yi City overall – the moment we see him back on his feet, literally, the first thing we see him do when he can walk again, is to come limping back home with firewood. And he doesn't even put that down before picking up the roof material from Xiao Xingchen as well, offering to help fix the roof.

Threateningly stabbing potatoes to get them good food when Xiao Xingchen is shooed away by the produce merchant, volunteering to go grocery shopping two days in a row - even the night hunting, that, yes, I know, was horrible in the beginning what with the whole tricking Xiao Xingchen into killing people bit, but the book very clearly states that that was only in the beginning, how it tapered off into ghosts and monsters as time went by. Which was helpful!

(I may or may not have a future section in Roadtrip discussing Chengmei's helpfulness at one point.)

I think, in the end, what I love about Xue Yang is his character's journey, which is played so beautifully by Wang Haoxuan.

How he starts out a cocky little unrepentant shit, keeps being an even more horrible little unrepentant shit, then Yi City with Xiao Xingchen where he grows into being something comparatively soft and happy, and then the broken, obsessive remains we see at the very end of his life, something worn so thin and fractured, just accepting that blade to the chest in the end, dying with a soft smile, surrendering at last.

Ow.

#the untamed #mdzs #xue yang #xiao xingchen #xue yang meta #silvygifstheuntamed #long post #untamed artfulness #lepetiterik

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tanoraqui · 4 years

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Grave dirt baby... 🥺✨

me, procrastinating my actual fic? no... GRAVE DIRT BABY A-YUAN

HEY TUMBLR FUCKED UP ALL MY BULLET POINTS ON THIS THE SECOND I HIT POST BUT IT’S 4AM SO I’M LEAVING IT UP ANYWAY. STUPID GODDAMN WEBSITE.

Wei Wuxian has been in the Burial Mounds for like 2.5 months out of what he doesn’t yet know will be about 3. He’s not even sure he’s going to survive yet. But he has managed to manifest an evil sword - the evil sword - out of the aether/ambient resentful energy/an attunement set with an unwise touch in the belly of an evil turtle

and he does know that he’s not going to survive if he doesn’t get the power of the Burial Mounds under some sort of control

so he cuts his arm and with blood running down the blade, draws something adjacent to the first demon-summoning flag but as an array in the dirt. He stands in the middle and - keep in mind that he more or less hasn’t slept in 2.5 months - plunges the sword into the center, still coated in his blood, and draws in all the resentful energy of the Burial Mounds

was it supposed to go into the sword? Into himself? Into just the single 4ft diameter array area, a column of bound death? who knows, not Wei Wuxian! it’s pure gut instinct

u know what else works on gut instinct, thought? Fairy tales.

And in a fairy tale, why, clay of the earth plus iron enough for a blade plus still-warm blood to show the way...

There’s an implosion and Wei Wuxian is standing - somehow still standing - in a small crater where the array used to be, and his evil sword is plunged into the belly of a baby

He yanks it out in horrified reflex, and realizes a moment later that the baby seems unfazed by this. If there was even a wound, it closes before his eyes, and the glimpse he had showed something more bloody clay than flesh beneath the skin

the iron sword crumbles as he pulls it away, as though rusted a thousand years. the baby turns its head from the iron shavings that falls on it, but then reaches up for Wei Wuxian with a cheerfully demanding cry

he picks it up, of course. (he’d think he was hallucinating if he wasn’t absolutely and utterly aware that he’s not)

it is, as far as he can tell, with physical and spiritual resentful inspection, an absolutely normal baby

oh, except when he looks really closely. Then he can sense the neutron star–dense knot of resentful energy where a golden core might (but will definitely not have room to) form. Also, it can command the dead, and when he holds it, so can he. He’s not sure if it’s a proximity-based power share or if he’s passing his desires through the baby, but even Wei Wuxian, at about 3 months with no food save the rage of the dead and no rest save the promise of final release, has to stop investigating at some point. He has things to do!

specifically, he has Wens to kill

so instead of the iconic shot of the dark flautist in the moonlight, we get the dark, uh...man singing a very spooky lullaby to his baby in the moonlight. It is still deeply creepy. It’s a making-it-up-as-he-goes tune based on a Yunmengi lullaby that he certainly learned from neither of his foster parents, and the lyrics are along the lines of, “let them remember what they did, sweet little potato, let them remember why they’re dying”

yeah he’s been calling this child “Little Potato” for 2 weeks

why

is that not how you name a child

sometimes when he’s more annoyed at it, he calls it “Little Radish”, or even less appetizing root vegetables

by the time he walks in, the baby is asleep in his arms and he’s not singing anymore, just letting the dead do his will. This is what Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji see. The subsequent conversation, Wen Chao and Wen Zhuliu at their feet, goes like this:

LWJ: Wei Ying. You have a baby.

WWX: Oh, uh...

PLAY DUMB!

WWX: What baby?

NOT THAT DUMB!

WWX: Oh, this baby! Haha yeah. I...found it.

JC: What the fuck

WWX: Yeah, weird, right? Right near the, uh...

LWJ: They said you were in the Burial Mounds

WWX: Yyyyup. Yes that is. I found this baby by the side of the road after I walked out of the Burial Mounds.

JC, briefly too morbidly fascinated to think about either the demonic cultivation they just watched or the fact that he wants to hug his brother like he’s never wanted to hug another being in his life: What did you name it?

WWX: ....

JC, desire to hug intensifying together with exasperation: oh my god

Sometime in the next couple days - after sleeping a bit, maybe - it occurs to Wei Wuxian that his raw instincts were right and things will go very badly for little A-Yuan (his siblings insisted he name it) if anyone finds out that he’s a not-yet-walking, not-yet-talking little neuron star of resentful energy. So he takes the iron shavings that are all that remain of the Stygian Turtle Sword and forges them into a Tiger-shaped Seal. He also carves a bamboo flute, like he’d been thinking about before the whole...baby thing. He loudly proclaims both to be dark and terrible weapons

(it really is helpful. The sword was...kind of A-Yuan’s other parent, after all, in addition to their third partner, the Burial Mounds. Chenqing gives him finer control of whatever stray resentful energy he chooses to pick up, and the Stygian Seal lets him channel A-Yuan’s power at need, even when not touching him. Which is good - a battlefield is no place for a baby)

even if that baby thinks ghosts and ghouls exist to pick him up and rock him or toss him around (babies like to be tossed)

Wei Wuxian puts so many goddamn spirit-repelling charms on that child, and lets it be marked down to the paranoia of a survivor

using whatever resentful energy he picks up is generally more effective, actually. Less strong, but it quickly becomes clear that the way this works does, in fact, involve Wei Wuxian communicating his desires through A-Yuan, or at least A-Yuan has to put up with the loan of power. There’s nothing quite like abruptly losing control of a field of corpses because the baby got abruptly uncooperative with anything that wasn’t barfing

the baby does eat, for the record. As far as Wei Wuxian can tell, he doesn’t actually need to, but once WWX fed him once, when they first left the Mounds, he wanted it all the time

he still takes A-Yuan with him when he can. That is the paranoia of a survivor. A-Yuan is...

“A battlefield is no place for a baby, A-Xian,” Jiang Yanli says gently, as he sets out from Carp Tower after another stolen visit, another failed attempt to convince Jin Guangshan off his ass. “And you are...so busy. LanlingJin takes in orphans, you know...”

“A-Yuan...he’s my blood,” Wei Wuxian says quietly. He’s never been good at lying to his shijie

Whatwherewhenhowwho, he’d see on her face if he was looking at it. But he isn’t. It’s not shame, though, she can see (it really never is, with Wei Wuxian). Fear of disappointing her, slight resignation...but mostly acceptance. Determination. Something almost like contentment.

(When Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangj first took him back to whatever resembled a base camp - somewhere in Qinghe, probably, or maybe Lanling - he had to let a trained healer look at A-Yuan, physical and spiritual examination, and he held his breath and calculated how many people he’d have to kill to get out of here, how fast he’d have to move to not hurt his brother or any particular friends; thought, oh, he’s mine, in a way he hadn’t before - as a child, a son, not just a very strange weapon -

“He’s quite healthy,” said the doctor, mildly surprised, bouncing A-Yuan on one knee. A-Yuan gurgled happily. “About three months old?”

the longer Wei Wuxian took to answer, the more disapproving her stare got. But that did make sense)

Then all else can be dealt with later. “You should still leave him here,” Jiang Yanli says firmly. “You need to look after yourself and A-Cheng out there. I can look after A-Yuan.”

It takes a bit under two years to win back the lost and burnt territories, scour the Wens out of every crevice, corner Wen Ruohan in his precious Nightless City and bring it tumbling down. Nobody will know the timing but A-Yuan sleeps through the final battle, smiling at dreams that would make a grown man weep in horror. Somewhere, his father is playing a lullaby

About a week later, Jiang Cheng stalks into Wei Wuxian’s bedroom, which he shares with A-Yuan. One of the first rooms rebuilt in the new Lotus Pier. A-Yuan is there, too, playing with blocks while Wei Wuxian idly drafts talismans

“A-jie said the kid is yours,” he says, crossed arms. “Like, yours-yours. When the fuck did you do that?”

(Wei Wuxian has thought about this, by now; gone over the pros and cons of every possibility, the politics and potentials and maybe even the giddy possibility of telling something like the truth)

(the guiding principle is: he has no interest in drawing on the “Stygian Tiger Seal” ever again. The Sunshot Campaign is over. His loved ones are safe, and he sees no reason why they shouldn’t all live long, happy, normal lives)

(also/though, he will burn Jin Sect, Carp Tower, and all of Lanling to the ground before the new Chief Cultivator should touch his son)

“In Caiyi,” he lies. “Right before I got kicked out. I, uh, snuck out a lot more often than you noticed.”

His brother squints at him suspiciously. But Wei Wuxian can also watch him do the math in his head and reluctantly admit that it works.

“So are you claiming him or what?” he challenges. “’Wei Yuan’? You have a courtesy name - wait, no, you are not naming that kid again. You’re going to make his courtesy name be Carrothead or something.”

“Should I let you pick it, oh wise and noble shidi - no, shushu?!” Wei Wuxian teases, as A-Yuan gets tired of his blocks and starts climbing up him like a jungle gym

Jiang Cheng sighs like the north wind - gusting long and hard, with just the faintest chill to suggest that the skies will be weeping, soon

But...

Despite some evidence to the contrary, Wei Wuxian is generally fully aware of when he’s about to cross a line that cannot be backtracked over. So he meets Wen Qing in the city, and before going to Lanling, he nips into Lotus Pier and picks up A-Yuan

He might leave A-Yuan with Wen Qing in the city when he goes to Glamour Hall, but Qiongqi Pass happens with a toddler watching silently from Wei Wuxian’s hip. Does Wei Wuxian tell him to look away, bury his face in baba’s shirt, or does he not bother, knowing the sort of song that makes up A-Yuan’s sweet dreams?

The Wens become the second through 51st or so people who learn what A-Yuan is. Wei Wuxian briefly considers trying to hide it, but, honestly, there are dead things everywhere on the Burial Mounds, and despite his genuine efforts, he cannot convince A-Yuan that a fierce corpse is anything but the ideal patty-cake companion. (They’ll play with him for hours! It’s a two-nearly-three-year-old’s dream!)

(he doesn’t want to convince him, not really. The last thing he wants to do ever is give A-Yuan anything to be scared of)

nor could he possibly wish that A-Yuan not be...obviously hale and hearty, running rosy-cheeked and strong around these hills of death that slowly seep the energy from any humans, animals, or even sturdy root crops

“So, uh, this is actually my demon baby,” said Wei Wuxian as they all settled in

“this day has been so weird already, this might as well goddamn happen”, said the Wens collectively

“You created a living child out of dead earth, so I’m going to take that as a yes that you can bring my brother back,” said Wen Qing specifically

“...fuck. I mean, yes. I mean - fuck,” said Wei Wuxian. “I- of course I will.”

(it doesn’t work like that, though)

The 52nd person to find out what A-Yuan is is Lan Wangji. Wei Wuxian very much does not tell him. They have a pleasant toy-shopping trip and lunch in town, and then the alarm talisman goes off and Wei Wuxian grabs A-Yuan and Lan Wangji tugs them both onto Bichen and when they arrive, Wen Ning is roaring. Lan Wangji knows what’s important; he takes A-Yuan so Wei Wuxian’s hands are free and he doesn’t have to worry about his son

except Wen Ning, black-eyed with rage, throws Wei Wuxian into a tree hard enough to crack a rib, and even as Lan Wangji raises Bichen, A-Yuan shouts,

“Uncle Ning, stop!”

and Wen Ning stops

(as a rule, Wei Wuxian can’t take over with himself and Chenqing anything A-Yuan is controlling, unless A-Yuan lets him, and vice versa. To eliminate variables, Wei Wuxian had made sure that any reins on Wen Ning were his (Wei Wuxian’s) alone. But in that moment, before Wen Ning came fully back to himself, his reins were swinging free - and they were back within the bounds of the Burial Mounds, where A-Yuan was always strong)

and Lan Wangji puts several pieces together at once and prays to every single god in heaven and every ancestor he’s disappointing right now that this was a miracle of love and a very cute child piercing through a fierce corpse’s mindless rampage. That he simply...hallucinated the burst of resentful energy he just felt from the child in his arms

but he’s absolutely, utterly aware that he didn’t

Wei Wuxian explains, stilted and awkward at the bottom of the hill. Challenging and terrified. Holding on to A-Yuan.

Lan Wangji promises to keep the secret.

Wei Wuxian takes Hanguang-jun’s word

Remember, oh, remember, that Wei Wuxian walks A-Yuan back up the hill until A-Yuan gets tired and Wei Wuxian picks him up, on their one-and-a-half–man plank bridge through the dark. Remember remember remember that before he can finish speaking that line, there is light - the clearing is lit with lanterns and secret-keepers 2 through 51, and I suppose 53 now that Wen Ning is awake, are waiting with dinner and warmth and welcome. Reader, remember this.

But then...

Aunt Qing and Uncle Ning had gone, and then, with a terrible expression on his face, so had A-Yuan’s baba. Now his baba’s anger and sadness is so strong that the weight of it makes A-Yuan cry from hundreds of miles away, and he curls into Granny’s arms and sends his baba everything he can. Will everything be okay, then? Will everyone come home; will they be able to smile again?

(oh, A-Yuan...)

(No.)

A-Yuan - Wei Yuan, Little Potato (when he’s good for baba or bad for Aunt Qing) or Little Radish (inverse); one day to be Lan Yuan, Lan Sizhui - was born in the good old fairy tale way of earth and iron and blood. It’s a hard thing for any child to lose even a single parent - in one day, in one minute, A-Yuan loses two of three, as the father of his blood burns away in hand the last shreds of Stygian iron, and promptly loses control of his own resentful energy

(the Tiger Seal does nothing like explode, in this world. It was never more than a prop - but a vital one. the benefit of proving it destroyed would be worth the loss of a parent, if only a second didn’t follow on its heels)

A-Yuan has been a dead thing (or close enough) come to life all his life, and both dead and living have been his friends and family. But he’s never felt the transition the other way: from life to death

It’s no wonder, really, that he can’t remember it afterward. No wonder that even on the land that was the last part of him, he was feverish and barely conscious when Lan Wangji stumbled, bleeding, off of Bichen, and took in his arms. No wonder that he remembered very little at all, including the dead.

But he would be okay. Under physical and spiritual inspection, he’s a perfectly normal boy. He may not be able to form a golden core (there's something in the way), but there are...workarounds. He’ll grow up in one of the most heavily spiritually warded enclaves in the world, safe and loved as he relearns (mostly in secret) what he can do

(For the sake of this story, and A-Yuan’s survival as something close to canon, let’s say there are some truly dark things in the forbidden section of the Lan Library, that could only be used for nefarious purposes - though, I suppose we already knew that. Let’s say there are talismans that will disguise the very nature of qi, so resentful energy may appear spiritual. Let’s say, Lan Xichen becomes the 53rd to know the truth, because his brother needs help - and it’s Wei Wuxian’s child, okay? It’s just Wei Wuxian’s child, quiet and unsure rather than laughing as he always was. If you were in the inner circle of leaders of the Sunshot Campaign, you have absolutely met this child, probably held him and bounced him on one knee)

(What keeps Lan Xichen up at night isn’t the concealing amulet he helped his brother make, which Lan Yuan wears at all times around his neck. It’s the silence he keeps every time he meets Jiang Wanyin’s eyes over a diplomatic table. If anyone had the right to know Wei Yuan survived... But Sandu Sengshou killed Wei Wuxian, everyone knows that, and now he hunts demonic cultivators - what might his pride drive him to do to his nephew, if he ever learned the truth? (Selfishly, Lan Xichen know that if Lan Wangji lost A-Yuan, even just to living at Lotus Pier, Lan Xichen might lose his brother. That fear ebbs with time passing, but the the longer he hasn’t spoken, the worse it would be to do so...))

They don’t restrict Lan Yuan to the Cloud Recesses, no more than any other novice. For memory of their mother, neither of them could bear that. Jiang Cheng does eventually see him at a conference, and stops dead. Years have passed, but that is an entire goddamn nephew, right there. But - how? No, it can’t be. That’s...everyone knows Lan Wangji hated Wei Wuxian. It’s just...and someone would have told him. The Lans value propriety above all, after all.

Anything that can be done with spiritual cultivation can be done with demonic cultivation, save heal. Lan Sizhui makes up for it with an encyclopedic knowledge of undead and monsters, and a prodigal talent for Inquiry

On their first night hunt, the young juniors face ghosts. Unfortunately, this is when Lan Jingyi learns that he’s terrified of ghosts. He’s hiding behind Lan Sizhui and panic is contagious, and the senior accompanying them is in a different room of the abandoned house, and Lan Sizhui forgets that he’s holding a sword and just shouts, “Stop! Go away!”

the ghost, of course, obeys

Lan Jingyi peeks out form behind him. “Did- did you do that?”

“I don’t know,” Lan Sizhui admits (except that he’s absolutely sure he did)

There’s another flicker of movement, just the wind blowing ashes but Jingyi whips around with wild eyes. “Can you do it again?”

[friendship. my point is, he’s a demon baby but he has family and friends who love and accept him.]

And one day, some absolute fucking morons are going to bring him back home, where he can never be anything but strong, and threaten his friends and family? And the threat is an army of his old playmates, commanded by an attempt at recreating some combination of Chenqing and the Tiger Seal? He couldn’t manage it in Yi City, but now A-Yuan, Wei Yuan, Lan Sizhui stands on earth that has never stopped being part of him, or maybe he’s never stopped being part of it. If he closed his eyes he could feel every foot on it, living and restless dead. And they’re threatening his baba - who he remembers, as the earth remembers its old partner, even though the blood is changed - and his father Hanguang-jun, and his extended family and friends?

No.

#lyratalus #mdzs #the untamed #ficlet #lan sizhui #wei wuxian #uh who else is here #must i tag them all? don't wanna #my fic #hmm need the speaker for the dead variant to get more childhood stuff; they're similar there

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vegetalass · 4 years

Text

RDR2 Boys Cooking + Eating Habits

Arthur

Somebody else on here wrote some headcanons about Arthur not being able to cook and just eating microwave food all the time and I just have to say…. That’s canon

Lowkey though he’s trying his best to get better at cooking

Probably the only thing he knows how to make is pasta

He adds a bunch of random frozen veggies to water as the noodles are cooking

And then smothers the whole thing in butter and calls it a meal

Or he puts marinara sauce on it straight from the jar

And yes, that means it’s cold

He’s also getting better at friend rice, too

But he’s really bad at actually making rice

If he doesn’t add too much water… He burns the bottom

Charles makes a mental note to buy him a rice cooker for his birthday

Makes his own popsicles out of random fruit juices and eats them 24/7

Thinks this qualifies him as a chef

Eats pickles and olives straight out of the jar with a fork

And sauerkraut too probably

Just goes over to john’s house on his pizza nights

Puts ketchup on eggs

John

Pizza dad

Probably orders pizza, salad, and a 64oz soda twice a week

Everything else is just Dino chicken nuggets, Eggos, hot dogs, quesadillas, and frozen peas and corn

Food you feed to little kids, basically

Mostly because he does have a little kid

But also because it’s easy and takes minimal effort and he doesn’t mind eating it, too

Abigail would be mad but she has no room to talk

The most you’ll see him actually make is buttered pasta (like Arthur) or sometimes beans and rice

Abigail bought them a rice cooker a while ago so that’s one thing he doesn’t have to worry about

Probably always has some type of dessert laying around

Doesn’t mean it’s good, but it’s there

Abigail buys a bunch of those gross, low calorie ice creams and John ends up having to finishing them

Family lunches consist of a bologna sandwich on wheat bread with American cheese and mayo, a piece of fruit, a bag of chips or crackers, a go-gurt, and some gummies

And yes he makes them for himself and Abigail too

They’re all eating good at the Marston household

(Not really)

Charles

Everything he cooks are things that can’t be made in single batches

Lots of healthy soups, chilis, stew, etc…

Most of the time, he makes too much of whatever it is so he always has leftovers

Everyone is jealous when he brings them for lunch

Probably finds all of his recipes in the newspaper or random magazines he reads while at the grocery store checkout line

Everyone is like, “Charles… Why are you reading Women’s Fitness?”

And he’s like, “Check out this salad recipe, though”

Puts hot sauce on everything

Salad, macaroni and cheese, hamburgers... You name it

And he’s the king of snacking

All of his snacks are healthy, though

Raw veggies and fruit and quinoa chips from Whole Foods or something like that

Nobody likes this

He’s one of those people who brings hard boiled eggs everywhere as a “snack,” too

And yea, he puts hot sauce on those, also

He really likes those weird protein bars that are hard to bite into and taste like chalk

The flavors are either normal stuff like white chocolate macadamia or Protein Power Punch with whey, chia and seaweed

There’s no in between

He’s also a charcuterie board legend

Hosea is jealous of this talent

Micah

Spends all his money on take out

He’s totally one of those weird people who’s entire trash can is just filled with take out boxes and cans of coke or beer

Constantly eating fast food

You ask him what he bought at the supermarket and he’s like “Pub mix and bud light”

SIR

Everything that he does manage to cook only involve one step of preparation

Unseasoned, fried meats and boiled veggies

Sometimes scrambled eggs and bacon

If he’s feeling fancy, he will make plain sandwiches

This is very rare, though

Can and will complain about anyone’s cooking

Even if it’s good and he he likes it

There are certain people he can’t do this to, though, or they won’t let him eat

The only person’s cooking he doesn’t complain about is Dutch’s

Constantly snacking from an entire party sized bag of chips

And yes, he eats straight out of the bag and wipes his fingers on his jeans

His oven is dirty

Hosea

A meal for him is probably a handful of almonds and an applesauce or yogurt cup

He is constantly making a bunch of those Tik Tok recipes where you just put a bunch of random stuff into your crock pot and add ranch seasoning and cream cheese

*insert all of those memes about mom pulling out the crock pot*

If you complain, he says “Well, you’re always welcome to cook, too”

Wears an apron when he cooks

Constantly eating plain toast with butter

And bananas

And cheese sticks

Thinks that this makes him “healthy”

Definitely likes to snack on those cocktail fruit cups and canned mandarin oranges

His entire freezer is just full of ice cream

It’s all weird flavors like Cherry Garcia, chocolate banana, and pistachio though

Everyone hates him for this

Raisins are his late night treat

Has a secret stash of candy no one can find

That’s okay though because it’s mostly Werthers Originals

And Chiclets gum

He picks out all the orange ones, though

Dutch

Tries to re-plate takeout so he can call it his own

Everybody sees through this but they stopped commenting on it like four Thanksgivings ago

Buys a bunch of those meals from Costco that all you need to do is heat up in the oven

He does like fast food but only from the less popular places

Carl’s Jr., Wendy’s, BK, Arby’s, etc.

A&W, too, because he’s old and weird

He can totally cook, he just never does

It’s just normal stuff like spaghetti and meatballs or chicken and rice, though

Tuna fish casserole

He over-seasons everything, though

Mostly because he’s trying to prove that he’s a good cook

Eats dessert twice, every night

Once right after dinner, and then later when he’s feeling like a treat

Will eat in bed

Uses a little bib and tray and everything

Likes pumpkin and sunflower seeds

Would eat hot wings with gloves on

He’s the one who taught Arthur to put ketchup on eggs

Kieran

The second I realized that Kieran would probably be white trash, my life changed

Hamburger Helper meals for LIFE

That one cheeseburger pasta? Kieran probably eats that three times a week

He 100% makes the ketchup-butter sketti from Honey Boo Boo

“It’s been a while since I done had roadkill in my belly”

His favorite dessert is ambrosia salad or that weird yogurt/Cool Whip covered jello that was popular in the 2000s

Probably has a TV dinner every once in a while, too

Instant mashed potatoes and minute rice type of guy

Also gives me big microwave cheddar broccoli vibes

I’ve said this before, but his house is probably stocked with all kinds of on-brand goodies

Probably always has some kind of chip and cookie around

Eats dinner in front of the TV

Dips french fries in mayonnaise

All of this said though, he isn’t a picky eater and will eat whatever is put on his plate

That’s why he’s great to take to restaurants, because he never complains

Honestly it’s just so sweet to think of him making big crockpot meals to share with ppl even if his cooking is a lil.... strange

Javier

Thinks that the hot dog combo from Costco is a suitable dinner

Also gets hot food from the grocery store for dinner a lot

Literally will just heat up a can of something and eat it plain

Beans, chili, soup…

Doesn’t doctor it up or change it at all

He’s happy to share but no one wants any

Chips and dip, 24/7

And it’s just Tostitos Hint of Lime chips and hummus

Probably puts hummus on everything, too

Corn chips, tortilla chips, tortillas, vegetables, sandwiches, etc.

Will put anything in a tortilla and call it a sandwich

Eats leftovers cold

The rest of the gang thinks this is a sin

Makes stir fry with whatever is laying around the house

It’s a little gross because he will try to add leftover beans

Refuses to eat fast food

The only exception he’ll make is for french fries and ice cream

Walks around and eats at the same time

Isn’t above asking the other boys to share with him

Despite the fact that this only happens if what they’re eating is good

Which is almost never

Sean

Sean can’t cook. That’s the end of it

The most he can make is that weird microwave Mac and cheese where the pasta is boiled in the mug??

He never does it tho and just sticks with the normal, frozen Mac and Cheese you can microwave instead

Uses his microwaving ability to make mug cakes

And microwave scrambled eggs

Burns his popcorn every single time

He’s probably set of the smoke detector or fire alarm multiple times

He’s Irish though so of course he’s addicted to potatoes and cabbage

And since he’s from the UK, he likes stuff like beans on toast and marmite

He’s a little nasty too so catch him eating bologna sandwiches on wonder bread

Not even the Marstons are that bad

When he does get takeout, he overspends trying to use a delivery app

He’s like, “And do I need the extra side of special sauce for $5…? Yes.”

Cooks like this

#rdr2 #red dead redemption 2 #red dead redemption 2 headcanons #rdr2 headcanons #arthur morgan #i finally wrote the cooking one LOL #hope you enjoy!!#excited to work on some requests now!

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hermitcraftheadcanons · 4 years

Text

The first thing you notice is the bite. It stings, throbs, bleeds. It's not a clean wound, not like a minor bite from a dog or cat. Not a few neat little punctures, or some gashes that would at least stitch up neatly. No. It's an ugly rip, the torn flesh from blunt teeth that are not and never were designed for biting. It's still startling how the human's muscles are powerful enough to bite through skin like that anyway. Strong enough to rip out a chunk, if you got snagged in a soft, tender place.

The next thing you notice is the infection. If you're lucky, you can use some precious water to wash off the bite and some gauze to wrap it, but most people aren't so lucky. Most have to rely on strips of acceptably dirty, sweaty fabric from old clothes, if they can even spare that much. Most don't want to "waste" a resource as precious as clean, drinkable water. So infection sets in fast and hard. Within a few days, your wound is a stinking, oozing mess. It's painful. Painful to look at, painful to touch, painful to move. It's swollen as your body desperately tries to fight the concoction of bacteria introduced from being bitten by a decomposing mouth. Then it itches. It itches madly. It itches so much you won't be able to sleep. It itches so bad that if you stop focusing on it, you'll find a surge of new pain as you've absently scratched it and started to bleed again, so you have to keep thinking about how badly you should never scratch the itch. Maybe you'll have a raw spot, where you've been tricking your mind into relief by scratching just above the wound. You might even have dug new cuts into your flesh, more wounds to host infection, more places to sting with pain.

The itching is the virus taking hold, but you don't know that.

All you know is that you have a swollen, itchy, stinking bite.

Next comes from the infection. You'll start to get a fever. Your bite will swell more, and feel hot. But mostly, you get a fever. Nobody feels good then. You'll switch between being far too hot to freezing cold, you'll sweat in a tank top in the middle of the night or you'll shiver under as many layers as you could possibly procure. You'll get nauseous, so you won't want to eat or drink, leading to more nausea as you dehydrate. As it progresses, you'll feel weaker. It might be harder to breathe normally, you might even feel your heart racing as you sit still. Even just a ten minute walk will exhaust you, but your group has to keep moving. As it goes on, you'll find it harder to keep your grasp on reality. The pain, the nausea, the smell, the weakness, it all blends into one as the virus takes its hold in your mind.

Oh, yeah. It's now when the virus kicks into action, having made it to your brain. Maybe you were taking care of yourself, and the infection actually hadn't gotten that bad through sheer luck and winning the biological lottery. But now the virus has made it to its destination. The first thing it does is impair your immune system. After all, it can't have you fighting it off. It doesn't want you healthy. If you're healthy, things get complicated. That natural system has to go, so away it goes. If you were sick, you'll suddenly find yourself getting sicker.

Next, it overrides your appetite. Maybe you were just craving crackers and water, maybe you didn't want anything, maybe you ate through the nausea just fine. It changes that. Subtly, day by day, it makes you feel hungrier and hungrier. The kind of hunger that sits in your belly and gnaws at your bones from the inside. It's also an unnatural craving for meat. Fresh meat, red, straight from the bone. Still warm, still flowing with life. You'll be able to smell your friends now, or the recent tracks of others if you're alone. Of course, you've always been able to smell them, but it got filed away into your subconscious. But now you're aware of it, because that virus tells you it's important. And they will smell decadent.

It's all the virus, scrambling your neurons to connect hunger and appetite to humans instead of a plate of cookies, cake, fruit, veggies and juicy steak, mashed potatoes and meaty stew, anything you used to enjoy. It will change how you taste. Sweets will stick to your throat, bitters are more bitter, and if you're lucky to have a nice plate of steak, that fresh-grilled meat will taste rotten. What you crave is no longer any real sustenance, your mind has been altered. Now, you won't see a warm hand to hold, because the sight of bare, moving skin activates your salivary glands. The urge to sink your teeth into the soft flesh on a wrist or neck will be overwhelming in the blur of sickness from the infection. And if you do actually bite, especially if you taste blood, the virus will reward you. It'll flood your system with dopamine, and afterwards, for just a few moments, the edge of that hunger will release. It hopes you'll get addicted. It wants you to crave more biting, more flesh, because it feels right, because maybe, just maybe, if you eat enough the hunger will finally go away.

Finally, it'll change your sense of fear as well. Dangerous situations that instinctively make humans nervous won't affect you. If anything, you'll crave the rush that deadly moments give you, the rush of feeling real and grounded in the midst of the foggy world from the mess in your system. Just fourteen days, and the virus is fully mature and ready to spread. Now, it needs you to die. So it makes you reckless. It does its best to turn a regular, self-preserving person into an actual train wreck. It will actually give you dopamine and serotonin when you get an injury, in a ratio equal to the wound. So, you'll die the happiest you could possibly be from something like a knife through the heart, or a shot through the gut. Some people are driven to jump from heights and impale themselves on something below, or even just hit the pavement and let themselves die wrapped in the gentle hands of joy. Some will just injure themselves, without the help of gravity. Some will aggressively antagonize other humans, hoping they'll eg them into a violent, deadly fight. But generally those people were already jerks in the first place.

Once you've died, however you died, the virus can take over. Because, this whole time, it wasn't really a virus. It was a worm, which starts so tiny you would never stand a chance of noticing it. Tinier even than those little red bugs you might see crawling over paper when you're out in the woods, so small that if you brush your hand over them they become nothing more than a smear of coppery brown. So small and fragile, they couldn't possibly survive outside of a host. But inside a host, they grow. They grow and grow, so thoroughly burying themselves in your brain they may as well have always been in it. When you die, they can finally take control of your muscles, no longer held back by the complexities of the human mind. This is why zombies shuffle and jerk around so awkwardly. They're merely puppets, meaty sacks of flesh controlled from inside by a worm that's found the strings. It knows just which ones to pull which way to make motion happen. It doesn't breathe, not really, all it might use is that sense of smell it learned while you were alive. It will use hearing, because those little organs in your ear won't stop feeling sound just because your body is dead. All those other systems aren't essential for a worm that's single purpose in life is now to find hosts for its own horrible offspring. Because that worm isn't alone.

It's not one worm. It's dozens of them, all now breeding and gathering their safely hatched larvae on the cold teeth and tongue of the corpse within which they reside. And yes, they might have been able to spread before now, if your environment was just right to keep your mouth the right temperature for this breeding. Yes, you might have infected others while you still lived and breathed in your own skin.

You see, those adults can't reproduce at the natural body temperature of a human, let alone the temperatures they can reach during the height of a fever. So they need that host to die and cool off. It just takes a day. Just one day for enough eggs, enough larvae to let that monstrous parasite begin searching for a new host. Those larvae can't grow in the cold, decomposing bodies of the dead. Although, the adults are surprisingly resilient, uncharacteristically long-lived, for a parasite. And so, the zombie rises, shuffling after any hint of breathing humans to continue their cycle of life and death.

If you crack open a zombie's skull without blasting the contents within into oblivion, you might be able to find dozens of these foot-long worms wiggling in distaste at their unexpected situation.

Of course, all of this depends on the physical and mental toll that getting a severe infection does. Ideally, the parasite doesn't even get to the stage where it has to drive you to seek death, because septic shock has already come and destroyed you from the inside out. So, in theory, it is survivable. If you aren't wracked with sickness, if you have a strong will, you might be able to fight the parasites long enough for them to die. You might just be able to recover.

But that's never happened. Besides, would you even want to survive? How permanent, how treatable are the alterations these parasitic worms cause? No one knows.

Here it is, the zombie "virus" and how it works written in a weirdly disassociated perspective, specifically for the few bitten!hermit headcanons. Feel free to ask questions and write stories! Please tag me in them @basaltdragon, I wanna hear it all •v•

I'm sorry if this triggers anybody (including mod) in any way, it is... a Lot.

#tw gore #gore #tw #worms #tw worms #hcraft #hermitcraftheadcanons #zombie apocalypse au #auheadcanon #posted 18.05.20 #my word! you wrote a novel!#this makes so much sense too! you definetly did your medical research!#also I love how you didn't overlook how bites actually work #because funfact #an average human male has a bite force so strong if they bit through the front of the neck they could pull out the trachea #scary stuff #but yeah this is super good!#submission

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tigerlilynoh · 6 years

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Hi hello I love ruby and I have a request for some ruby and kaylee in the “aftermath” verse, just ruby and her new baby when she comes back from killing lilith

Sorry this took so long to post. I started writing it, but I quickly found that it’s pretty hard writing a single person interacting with such a young baby (since they don’t do much at that age). About that time I received another fic request asking for some of Sam interacting with Kaylee in Aftermath too. So I decided to merge the requests in order to make more stuff happening (Sam and Ruby can play off each other when Kaylee would otherwise be an adorable potato). Then I also got a fic request for Sam’s reaction to finding out that Ruby was pregnant again. So that kinda fit in with the first year of fluff and their evolving sense of family.

So to sum up: Sorry for taking so long to post this and sorry for combining fic requests. I just think that they make a nice little collection. And as always, I hope you enjoy it.

Word count: 5,064Spoiler Warning: Needless to say, this presumes you’ve read Job & Family.

12/28/2009

“Are we at the camp?” Sam asked through a mixture of justifiable fatigue and pain killers.

It’d been almost a whole day since he’d had surgery on his right arm, and the majority of that time he’d been asleep. The procedure to repair the cut muscles wasn’t particularly intrusive, although after his imprisonment and the fight he’d been left completely spent. As soon as the logistics of teleportation were arranged by the others, he was moved to a free cabin with the rest of the coven and was deposited into a warm, plush bed. He’d stirred a few times when Kaylee had started crying, but Ruby had promptly started nursing her or otherwise soothing the fussing baby in order to allow him to rest as much as needed.

“Yeah, we’ve got a spare cabin, all to ourselves.” Ruby ran her fingers through his hair. “So take as long as you need. We don’t have killing anymore Archdemons or Archangels on our calendar.”

He shifted slightly, comfortably immobilized between a pile of pillows that supported his injured arm, Kaylee dozing on his chest, and Ruby who was snuggled up on his left side. His fingers ran up through Ruby’s hair from the nape until he’d cupped the back of her head. Pulling her closer to him he rested his cheek against the top of her head and breathed in her scent. He stayed like that for a long while, relishing the calm as he watched their daughter sleep.

“So this is what it’s like to have no plans?” he said, breaking the silence.

“I didn’t say that.” Ruby dragging her fingers along his bare torso. “You start physical therapy in four days.”

He tried moving the fingers on his right hand, but they weren’t exactly cooperative and caused some pain in his forearm.

“Do you know how long the sessions are supposed to be?”

“Just an hour,” she offered, knowing perfectly well that leaving the camp and Kaylee was one of the last things he wanted to do. “Then you can come straight back here.”

Kaylee fidgeted and let out a little huff as her limbs readjusted. Sam and Ruby both watched her find a comfortable position and return to her perfectly content sleep.

“When we first got here, back while you were still out, Tom asked if he could stay with us,” Ruby broached the more serious yet timely conversation. “I have a feeling I know the answer, but are you okay with that?”

It was more than just the boy staying with them for a bit. This was a turning point in all of their lives. If Tom moved in with them it would undoubtedly solidify him eventually becoming an adopted son. They both cared about him and he’d been very sweet towards Kaylee—not to mention that they knew that Kay had loved her older brother. Despite that, it was still the first step in a huge commitment…. But he felt ready, he was prepared to step up however he was needed for his growing family.

“Yeah.” Sam nodded. “I’m fine taking him in. Do we have enough room?”

“Yeah, this is a three bedroom cabin.” She glanced toward the rest of the cabin. “But I haven’t really explored it much. You weren’t the only one who needed a day to recover in bed.”

“You more than earned some rest,” Sam agreed.

“But now you’ve got me curious what all there is in this place.” Ruby reluctantly untangled her limbs from Sam’s, then went to go check on the relative sizes of the two other bedrooms in the cabin. The smaller of the two seemed big enough to hold all the baby stuff that they’d need. For the last two weeks they’d managed with just a single room that they’d all shared. Giving Kaylee a room dedicated just to herself seemed almost luxurious.

“Hey, um… Ruby,” Sam called from the bed where she’d left him. “I think Kaylee’s hungry.”

“She isn’t crying—” she started replying, but stopped when she walked back into the bedroom.

Kaylee was still sprawled across Sam’s bare chest and was making a valiant effort to latch onto his left nipple. He moved his bandaged right arm around in a display of his inability to pick up the fragile infant with both hands. Ruby’s mouth curled helplessly into a grin as she summoned a considerable amount of willpower in order to not laugh at him.

“A little help,” he said as his ears turned pink.

“One sec, I need to go get a camera,” she replied, but didn’t go to the effort of pretending to look for her smartphone.

“Please don’t tell Dean… or Kay,” Sam begged as he stuck a finger in Kaylee’s mouth, giving her something to suck as a stopgap measure.

“I get the feeling Kay would be just as embarrassed as you,” Ruby commented and she scooped up Kaylee. “Maybe wear a shirt next time you let her lay on your chest?”

He stared at her skeptically. “You’re the one who put me in this bed in just my boxers… I hope”

“And I don’t regret that decision in the slightest.” Ruby gently bounced Kaylee to buy a bit more time before she started crying. “While I’m taking care of her lunch, are you hungry? I can make you something vaguely resembling food.”

“You can cook?”

“Resembling food,” she repeated, then raised an eyebrow at him. “Do you know how to cook?”

Sam opened his mouth to offer some statement in his defense, but he hesitated. With a little shrug he replied, “I think I’m going to start making a domestic learn-how-to-do list.”

“Smart move. This is a strange new mission,” Ruby observed while placing Kaylee into a cloth wrap, then slipped the wrap onto her body. After a minute or two of adjusting the wrap, Kaylee was positioned to be right at her breast. She pulled her breast out of her shirt and helped Kaylee latch on before looking back at Sam. “A strange mission with very weird tools and skill sets.”

“Fewer projectiles though,” he pointed out.

“For now,” Ruby said as walked out to the kitchen in search of the means to feed more that just her suckling daughter.

The fridge had been fully stocked when she’d arrived, so she had almost too many options. In the end she settled on making a salad because it was one of Sam’s go to meals on the road and it was just chopped up raw vegetables—How hard could it be? As she cut up the variety of produce, she hummed a gentle version of Boys Wanna Be Her. Every few seconds she’d glance at Kaylee who occasionally nodded off with a mouth full of nipple only to wake up and immediately resume drinking.

“You look more exhausted than your dad,” she told the infant. After a moment’s reconsideration she switched into Dagbani and continued talking to her as she prepared the salad. “Your ba gets a pass on account of all the shit he’s been through the last fews days. I’m sure you’ll hear all about it when you’re older, but let me tell you before anyone else tries to tell you their heroic tale: it was your mom who saved the day. I mean, your ba was very brave too, and your auntie Kay, uncle Dyl—even your uncle Dean, but don’t tell him I ever—”

“Are you speaking…” Sam started to ask as he walked out of the bedroom in his pajama pants and a soft t-shirt that he’d somehow managed to get on with the use of only one hand.

“Dagbani,” she helped reminded him of the name of the language while answering the question. She was about to explain that Kay had told her that it’d been spoken in her home growing up, and that the thought of sharing her languages with her daughter had been a surprisingly meaningful to her. But Sam spoke before she could explain.

“Good,” he said while taking a seat at the dining table to keep her company even if he wasn’t up for actually helping.

Ruby smiled to herself as she kept chopping the salad. She spoke to Kaylee and translated for Sam’s benefit as she worked. Occastionally she’d look up at Sam; he was just sitting there happily watching her work while interacting with their daughter. After having a chance to be upright for a bit, he came over and hugged her from behind. He kissed Ruby’s neck, then softly pat Kaylee’s head. The baby let go of Ruby’s nipple and let out an audible sigh before immediately falling asleep as they watched. A little milk dribbled down her chin.

“She’s graceful,” Ruby whispered.

“She takes after her mom.”

Ruby bumped into him with her butt, giving him a slight hip-check, before instructing, “use that still-working hand of yours and find something to put this salad in.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

He started searching through the kitchen cabinets for the first time. Every once in awhile he’d pull out something he was unfamiliar with and check to see if she had ever seen the mysterious objects. While exploring, he opened the microwave to check its capacity.

“I’ve never had a microwave,” Ruby observed as she stared at the small appliance.

“You know how to use a microwave,” he replied only half paying attention while he grabbed a serving bowl from a high cabinet shelf.

“But I’ve never had one,” she clarified. “The last time I stayed somewhere for more than a month was in the 1920’s.”

He placed the bowl down on counter, then stared at the microwave again with newfound interest. “I’ve never had a microwave either. When I was at Stanford my roommates always brought that kind of stuff. I just had a few bowls and utensils….”

Sam looked around at the fully furnished cabin. It was his. It was theirs. It would take some getting used to. He exchanged an awkward glance with Ruby, but before either of them could find the words to express the oddity of the moment there was a soft knock on the front door.

“Come in,” Sam called out.

Belda opened the door, then walked in carrying a cake that appeared to contain chunks of tropical looking fruit.

“Welcome to the neighborhood,” she greeted them as she placed the platter on the dining table. Ruby immediately stopped working on the salad and hurried over to pluck a few pieces of fruit from the cake.

“Thanks for the warm welcome,” Sam replied. “We’re still trying to figure out what’s where and everything.”

“Well, if you find out that you’re missing something, we get supplies once a week and the next shipment should arrive in three days,” Belda told them. “So you can just add whatever you need to the list Pascoe keeps.”

“The supplies come from?” Ruby asked.

“Our contact person is a woman named Shola, but they’re from Hell. They just sort of arrive in the camp center.” Belda walked into the kitchen and began tossing the salad in the serving bowl for Ruby. “Sadly they don’t offer babysitting, but I can help you out with that from time to time, if you’d like.”

“Thank you.” Sam smiled warmly at her. “I’m sure I’ll take you up on that, but for right now I’m being way too clingy.”

“You deserve to be a little clingy,” Ruby assured.

Belda started to pick up the salad bowl to take it to the table, but Sam took it from her. She was in his cabin. She was a guest—They had a guest. With a bit of effort he started setting up a basic place setting for the three of them. When they were all seated, he noticed Belda tilt her head to look into the smallest bedroom.

“What color are you painting the nursery?” the witch provided as small talk.

“What?” Sam asked, then looked into the little, empty room for signs that it needed repair. He glanced at Ruby to see if she had an answer for the question he didn’t fully understand, but she seemed to be equally confused.

“Do you like this color?” Belda clarified. “Cause if not we can order something else in the next shipment of supplies.”

He hadn’t even thought about what color it or any other room was. The nursery was an odd seafoam green that wasn’t really offensive, but there wasn’t anything good to be said about it either.

It was their house, like the house itself, not just the objects inside it. They could change things like the paint on the walls. He’d never been able to do that before.

“Lavender,” Sam suggested, earning a nod of approval from Ruby.

“And sage,” she added.

01/05/2010

There were plenty of coven members who were glad to lend a hand when it came to repainting the nursery, but Sam had insisted that he wanted to make an initial attempt. His first two physical therapy sessions had brought negligible improvement, though he’d quickly gotten used to using his left hand more and was therefore able to decline assistance most of the time.

Ruby sat in the nursery’s rocking chair, soothing Kaylee to sleep as she watched his labor. He’d never painted a room before and the unprofessional quality was made even worse by the fact that his dominant arm was largely nonfunctional. But the slightly irregular effect was endearing and somehow fit the way their odd little cabin was coming together.

“Beautiful work, Rodin,” Ruby told him while eyeing the inconsistent brush strokes.

“Rodin was a sculptor,” Sam corrected her.

“I stand by my statement.”

He held out the paintbrush to her. “Would you like to trade places?”

“No, I’m actually having a pretty good time where I am.”

He exhaled a small laugh at the thought of her enjoying such a quiet moment. A few weeks ago he wouldn’t have believed that they’d be spending three consecutive days decorating a nursery. He especially wouldn’t have expected for Ruby to be content with that sort of calm. Dropping the paintbrush back into the bucket, he turned to give her his full attention.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Sam asked.

“The colors?” She furrowed her brow at the possibility of undoing all his work.

“With being here when it’s mundane,” he explained. “You just… you’ve done so much exciting stuff for so long. I want you to be happy.”

“It’s different,” she admitted. “But I am happy. Anyway Kay’s mom found it exciting enough, so that’s probably a good sign.”

“Yeah, well her dad conquering Hell probably livened things up a bit,” Sam pointed out.

“If I get restless, then you’ll just have to go become the devil.” Her voice was sweet and she batted her eyes in a homage to begging.

“That’s one way of spicing up a relationship.”

She chuckled, then tackled the issue a bit more seriously. “After we get settled, I’m gonna go back to the coven’s old camp to collect the library and some other artifacts. I want to rebuild, get back on the right side of the Maji so that I can get us more resources, get the coven stronger, and make sure all the kids are being brought up in the craft correctly. The kids….” Her eyes flickered from the window facing the other cabins to the baby sleeping in her arms. “The kids have a future now. I want to make sure they don’t lose that again.”

Sam nodded in profound understanding as he watched her holding Kaylee. All of them were getting a new beginning. He picked up the paintbrush, then asked, “can you bring her over for a second?”

Ruby carried their daughter over, then sat down on the floor next to him. He took Kaylee’s right hand, then brushed some lavender paint onto it. Very gently, Sam pressed her hand onto a section of sage wall, transferring the tiny handprint.

“This is your room,” Sam spoke softly to the drowsy infant. “You have a real room in a real house.”

“In a home. You have a home,” Ruby corrected, then added, “we have a home.”

Sam cupped her Ruby’s cheek, smudging it slightly with lavender paint. He kissed her deeply for several seconds before resting his forehead against hers and whispering, “I’ve had a home for over a year; it’s just been a person.”

She took his hand in hers, then guided it down to rest on their daughter’s chest. “Well, now it’s people.”

04/02/2010

Ruby came home from a trip down to Hell to find Sam making dinner while Kaylee sat in her automated rocker. She gave him a kiss, then picked up her four month old daughter. Sam was carefully checking a recipe for palak paneer and measuring out ingredients while listening to Middle Distance Runner. Ruby started rocking and swaying to the mild music, taking Kaylee along for the ride.

“Someday you’re gonna learn how to move those little legs of yours and then you won’t need a dance partner,” Ruby informed Kaylee.

“I get the feeling she’ll still insist on dancing with you for a few more years,” Sam guessed as he sliced chunks of paneer.

“Look who’s talking.” Ruby placed a hand behind her daughter’s neck to support her head, then dipped the infant before continuing the conversation. “What do you want to bet she’ll make you jump through a literal hoop before she’s five?”

“Knowing Kay, I’m more concerned about figurative hoop-jumping.”

“Are you gonna be a little Crossroads demon?” Ruby cooed at her. “Or are you gonna be a Maji like your mom?”

“Or unemployed like your dad?” Sam added.

“Have you ever really technically been employed?”

“I once tutored a kid while in undergrad,” he answered.

She held up Kaylee in all her footie-pajamaed glory. “Your youngest pupil—speaking of pupils.” Ruby turned her daughter to face her, then blinked her eyes solid black and said, “boo!”

Kaylee started giggling while waving her arms enthusiastically. Ruby turned her eyes back to normal, then did it again causing another adorable fit of joy.

“I don’t think this’ll ever get old,” Ruby told Sam.

“Just wait, Kay says we should expect her to start blinking black eyes right back at you at around one year old.”

Ruby turned her eyes black while making another giggle-producing silly face, then hugged Kaylee close and playfully rocked side-to-side.

“I can’t wait.”

Dinner was typical for the days when Ruby would go downstairs. Tom happily told her all about what he’d learned under Sam and Belda’s complementary instruction. Belda focused on foundational math, chemistry, reading, and magical theory. While Sam had taken to giving the boy and several other children lessons in history, natural sciences, and he also enjoyed reading them classic literature and poetry. Pascoe would occasionally give Tom private lessons on spellcraft, which Sam also sat in on, when Ruby wasn’t around to help her young apprentice.

While enjoying her home-cooked meal, Ruby recounted a very redacted version of her ‘day’ in Hell. She’d always leave out the parts that were likely to upset Tom. At some point when he was a bit older she’d inevitably explain her role in the great ecosystem of painful transformation. For the moment he at least abstractly understood what Hell was and that was enough to get the gist of most stories across. She also wanted to share some of the details of her other activities with Sam, to give him another glimpse of the outside world—not that he was particularly inclined to go out into that mess when there was such a pleasant place for him to enjoy with his new family. Nor was it a wise idea for him to go anywhere that he might be recognized by demons, angels, police, and who knew what else.

After dinner, Ruby took Kaylee while Sam helped Tom start his last bit of studies before bedtime. She gave the infant another twirl on the dancefloor before settling on their too-small couch for storytime. Half the time she made up the tales—it didn’t really matter whether the plot made any sense since the main goal was to simply expose Kaylee to a broad vocabulary. But fairly often after a long day, when her imagination had failed her, she’d start telling stories from real life. And after the day that she’d had, the story of how her castemate Borbdyn was accidently made into a Visedemon seemed as good as anything else.

“—Then an Arbris demon named Kulnix asked Borbdyn whether she’d visited the Lower Pits den,” Ruby was saying as Sam finally walked back into the living room after taking care of Tom.

He stopped mid-step, furrowed his brow and tilted his head at the odd discovery, but he didn’t comment on the actual plot. After double checking the sweet, innocent smile on his daughter’s face he shrugged, resigned to the effectiveness of the story, then sat down next to Ruby.

“How often do you tell her Abyssal bedtime stories?” he asked her in a nonjudgmental voice.

“All the time.” Ruby shrugged. “She’s more demon than human.”

“Not complaining,” Sam said in his defense. “I just didn’t know that there were Abyssal stories that were… uh, age appropriate.”

“At four months old, you don’t have any long term memory of these words you don’t know, do you?” Ruby cooed to the infant. “I could tell you about the time your ba and I killed like five demons, then had sex in car before we even cleaned up all the blood—“

Sam hastily glanced down the hall to make sure that Tom’s bedroom door was closed as Kaylee giggled, interrupting Ruby’s recounting of some Friday night from over a year earlier. Their daughter’s lighthearted laughter made Sam relax a bit more and distracted Ruby by inspiring her to tickle a pair of tiny, vulnerable feet.

“Point taken,” he acknowledged, then added, “but no sex stories after she learns her first word.”

“How hard do you think I’d have to work to get her first word to be sex?” Ruby smirked.

06/08/2010

Sam was prone on the living room floor watching his daughter intently. From about a foot away Kaylee stared back at him with her big, dark brown eyes. She wriggled uncertainly on her stomach and arms for several minutes but couldn’t figure out how to propel herself forward.

“You’ve got to crawl to move forward,” Sam informed the six month old. “Like this.”

Sam pushed himself up onto his hand and knees in Kaylee’s field of view, then started crawling around. She studied him with silent fascination before rocking back and forth in some approximation that didn’t involve lifting her limbs off the ground.

“Did you drop something?” Ruby asked as she walked in the door with their portion of the latest shipment’s groceries.

“No, I’m just trying to teach her how to crawl.”

Ruby placed the basket full of food on the kitchen counter, then sat down on Sam’s back as if he was a mount. Sam tilted his head towards their daughter’s adorably furrowed brow.

“I think you’re confusing her,” he told Ruby, but did attempt to buck her off.

“Someday you’ll get piggyback rides from your ba,” she told the befuddled infant. “And he can use telekinesis, so they’re probably gonna be pretty awesome.”

“No pressure.”

“You’re a natural,” Ruby said encouragingly before climbing off of him and getting down on her own hands and knees. She smiled at Kaylee, then said, “alright, now we’re both crawling. See, it’s not so hard.”

Ruby had only been crawling around on the floor in front of Sam for about twenty seconds when she spotted him look at her ass. She stopped right in front of him, gave a little teasing shake, then turned around and pulled him into a playful kiss. He held her, but as he slowly lowered her to the floor while they kissed, he’d unconsciously moved to be on top of her. Her legs wrapped around his waist and their crotchs were tauntingly close together.

Sam broke the kiss with a sexually-frustrated groan, then checked to confirm that Kaylee was just sitting a few feet away candidly watching them. “I think we’re destroying whatever crawling knowledge she had.”

“Avert your eyes, starlight. Your dad and I are couple-wrestling.”

He huffed a laugh. “Yeah, that’s not happening right now.”

Ruby reached down and rubbed his dick through his pants. “Maybe we could get Belda to babysit more often, for a little bit right after I get home from work?”

After considering his current bargaining power with Belda he suggested, “she’d probably be fine with an hour here or there.”

“Two hours,” Ruby upped the ante, earning a grin and a nod of acknowledgment.

“I’ll see what I can negotiate.”

11/14/2010

Sam was lying on the couch reading Fear & Trembling aloud while the 11-month old Kaylee snuggled on his chest. She reached up and pet his scruffy chin.

“Ba.” Kaylee’s voice was a soft little squeak. She only knew a few words, but they seemed meticulously designed to elicit pampering from anyone within earshot.

“What can I do for you, Kaylee?”

She grabbed at his face, then said, “–iss.”

He shifted slightly, then gave her a kiss. She giggled before resuming groping his two-day old whiskers.

Ruby came out of their bedroom and glanced around for a moment before asking, “is Tom still over at movie night?”

“Yeah, they’re watching The Lord of the Rings.” Sam checked his watch. “So it’ll probably be another hour or more.”

“Cool,” she said uncharacteristically in a slightly anxious tell as she strolled around the room. He sat up when she stopped right in front of him. “How’s teeny toddler time?”

“Good,” he responded warily. “Why?”

“I was just wondering how you’d feel about another?”

“Another what?”

She lifted her shirt up a few inches to show him the fact that she couldn’t button her pants. “Another slightly demonic bundle of joy.”

He stared at her, completely dumbfounded for a long while. “You’re pregnant?”

“It feels like last time and half my pants don’t fit anymore.” She placed his hand on her abdomen. “We can go get an ultrasound. I’d rather do that than ask Morrison to confirm it.”

Kaylee stood up on her dad’s lap, then reached out and touched Ruby’s belly, mimicking him. He felt like he’d been sucker punched right in his heart. Ruby reached down and ran her fingers through their daughter’s soft brown hair, then looked at Sam with a verklempt wavering smile. “I’m not sure if hormones are in play, but I think my ovaries just exploded from that cuteness.”

Sam used telekinesis to float over a few toys from across the room, dropping them onto the area rug in front of the couch. He put Kaylee down on the floor to entertain herself for a few minutes by playing with her toys. With a bit more space cleared on the couch, he gestured for Ruby to join him. They needed to talk.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” she said as she took his hand.

“Thinking might be a little too much for me right now,” he admitted.

“Then how’re you feeling?”

They sat in silence for several seconds watching their daughter playing with a plush dragon that Bobby had given her during his last visit. Sam loved watching her grow, learn, and explore this big weird world. He loved being a dad. The thought of having another baby made him hopeful and eager—and daunted, definitely daunted, but not so much that he’d let that stop him. Yet there was another feeling gnawing at him.

“Scared.”

“Is it the idea of taking care of three kids?” she asked. “Cause I could be home more.”

“It’s not that,” Sam assured. He pursed his lips at his own fear before daring to voice it. “What if Heaven calls this a violation?”

The main condition placed on his ability to live in peace was that he not dabble in the politics of Hell. Much to the chagrin of Kay, Crowley, and everyone else who liked Sam, there hadn’t been a clear definition of dabbling. Heaven had left itself some wiggle room for discretion, contingent upon some ability for Hell to argue on his behalf before anything drastic punishment was inflicted on him for a perceived violation. Of course that was all in theory. Who was he to guess at what Heaven might find so threatening as to act without some sort of due process.

“You aren’t playing politics,” she argued. “This is our family, in our home. They don’t get a say in that.”

“We’d be changing the playing field.” He leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling because he couldn’t stand to look at either of Ruby or Kaylee while making his next point. “Kay’s younger siblings were killed for what they were.”

Ruby scooted closer to him, then turned his face to her. “Our kids aren’t princes and princesses of Hell. It’s not that same.”

“They’re still born demons.” With a hint of quiet shame he added, “they’re still his vessels.”

“Lucifer isn’t in play.” Her voice with comforting yet firm. “Times change. People evolve. Species evolve. We aren’t at war with Heaven. They can deal.”

“Is it fair to bring another kid into the world when we don’t know….” He couldn’t begin to articulate all the what-ifs.

“We take risks for the things that are important to us. We do it for each other and the kids. Our family is pretty fucking weird, but we’re happy and I don’t mind the risks we take in exchange for that.” She looked him in the eyes with a seriousness and sincerity that cleared away some of the anxious haze. “Politics aside, do you want to have another kid?”

He let out a long breath, then answered, “yeah, I do.”

Ruby climbed onto his lap, straddling him, then leaned in for a kiss. He embraced her, clinging to her in the dizzying collection of emotions finally hitting him full force. A tear of something between bliss and nerves trickled down his cheek before he laughed breaking their kiss. She caressed his cheek, then rested her forehead against his and whispered, “I want that too.”

#anon ask #job & family #my fic #spn fanfic #spn fanfiction #Supernatural fanfic #supernatural fanfiction #sam x ruby #sam/ruby #samruby

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thenightlywine · 4 years

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I wrote this recipe out for my friend Jerrold who’s allergic to poultry and has missed out on the joy of far too many pot pies. When you’re done, you’ll have more stew than can fit in a pie, so maybe bake some bread for those juicy leftovers!

Here’s what you need:

STEW INGREDIENTS:

- 3-4lbs brisket or other cheapish fatty beef roast, chopped into 2″ cubes - 6 slices bacon (unseasoned recommended), cut crosswise into 1″ pieces - 1 lb potatoes, chopped into bite-size pieces - 1 lb carrots, peeled and chopped into bite-size pieces - 2-3 large ribs celery - Stems of 1 bunch parsley - Big handful of rosemary, thyme or other woody herb - 2-3 bay leaves, fresh or dried - 1 large or 2 medium cooking or Spanish onions, diced - 3 ample cloves garlic, smashed or roughly chopped - 1 lb meaty mushrooms, cut into half-inch pieces (optional) - 1-2 oz dried mushrooms (optional; shiitake are great) - 6 cups (2 cartons) beef or other stock - 4 tbsp butter or oil (or a combination of both, optional) - 1 bottle fruit-forward red wine - Up to 1/2 cup corn starch, flour or other thickening agent - 1 bag frozen peas - Salt & pepper to taste

DOUBLE PIE CRUST (if making):

- 2 cups flour - 1/2 cup sour cream - 1/2 pound (2 sticks) unsalted butter - 2 tsp sugar - 1 tsp salt

OR STORE-BOUGHT PUFF PASTRY (if u a chump):

- Enough pastry for a double-crust pie (I’ve never done this, you’re on your own)

EQUIPMENT:

- 6 quart Dutch oven or other big, ovenproof pot - Paella pan or other large, high-sided pan with lid (optional, but helpful) OR a bowl as large as your Dutch oven - Standard pie plate - Large slotted spoon - Pastry brush - Kitchen twine

Notes on equipment: You can make this using only the dutch oven, but since ingredients are browned separately before combining I find it helpful to sear the ingredients in my paella pan and transfer each to the Dutch oven as they’re ready. I’ve written the recipe as I prepared it, but if you’re doing a single-pot cook, just imagine “transfer to Dutch oven” says “transfer to your big bowl”.

Notes on veggies: “bite-size” is up to you, but remember they’re going in a pie, so imagine a little meat, a little veg, and some crust on your fork when chopping these babes. All the mushrooms in this recipe are optional, but I recommend simmering dried mushrooms in the stock as they add a beautiful complexity to the jus.

Notes on thickening: I used red creamer potatotes, which aren’t very starchy but retain their shape. A Russet potato will crumble as it cooks, but that starch will thicken the stew broth, so you won’t have to use quite as much thickener later.

Notes on wine: Any bold red of your choosing will do for this recipe. I asked my local wine expert for a fruit-forward, jammy bottle for this recipe. They recommended the Cavaliere D’Oro Primitivo (2017) for about $10. It’s grapey and juicy but neither sweet nor bitter, with enough tannins that the leftovers will pair nicely with the finished meal.

MAKE THE CRUST:

You can use store-bought crust, but this no-fail sour cream pie crust recipe is truly foolproof and so easy, I’ll be disappointed if you don’t give it a go. I’ve doubled the ingredients above for the double crust a pot pie requires. (Pro tip: the scraps make excellent cheese straws when baked with a little cheddar!)

If making your own crust, it requires some time to chill, so you can make this ahead and chill up to 2 days ahead of use or make it once the stew is in the oven.

MAKE THE STEW:

1. PREHEAT OVEN to 250° F.

2. COOK BACON. In a large pan (if using) or dutch oven, sweat the bacon over medium-low heat to melt the fat. Reduce heat if bacon begins to burn too quickly—low and slow will get you the clearest fat without the char. Remove bacon before it burns and set aside. Eat the bacon, save the fat.

3. SIMMER DRIED MUSHROOMS (optional). Meanwhile, if including, combine dried mushrooms and 3 cups beef broth in a pot and simmer together until mushrooms have softened all the way through, about 15 minutes. Strain out mushrooms and set aside if using.

4. BROWN BEEF. Fry the cubed beef in the bacon fat over medium-high heat, turning until most sides are browned, 2-3 minutes per side. If using a smaller pan or dutch oven, brown the beef in batches, leaving room between pieces so that any fluid the meat releases can evaporate. Transfer pieces to Dutch oven as they’re ready, leaving juices in the pan.

5. CHOP DRIED MUSHROOMS (Optional). Once cooled, chop the strained dried mushrooms into bite-size pieces and transfer to Dutch oven. (I didn’t love the texture when I did this the first time, so I omitted for future preparations.)

6. COOK MUSHROOMS. If including, sweat chopped mushrooms, covered, for about 10 minutes. Once nicely browned on one side, remove the lid, turn lightly and allow any fluid to evaporate, 1-4 minutes more. Transfer to Dutch oven.

7. COOK CARROTS. Add a tablespoon of butter or oil to the pan. Cook the chopped carrots until lightly browned and crispy on one side, about 5 minutes. Turn lightly and cook another 5 minutes. Transfer to Dutch oven.

8. COOK ONIONS. Add a tablespoon of butter or oil to the pan. Reduce heat to medium and add the onions, stirring to coat. Sweat, covered, until soft and translucent, about 5 minutes, stirring once halfway through. Transfer to Dutch oven.

9. COOK GARLIC. Add a tablespoon of butter or oil to the pan. Add garlic and fry to your preference—I cook my garlic until just aromatic, about 90 seconds. Transfer to Dutch oven.

10. DEGLAZE PAN. Increase heat to medium-high. Deglaze with about 1/2 cup red wine and let reduce until glossy. Carefully transfer to Dutch oven.

11. ADD POTATOES. Add raw potato pieces to the Dutch oven.

12. BOUQUET GARNI. Make a bouquet of all the herbs you wish to include, fashioning to minimize pieces falling out. Encircle with parsley ribs and wrap tightly with kitchen twine. Add to Dutch oven (I like to bury it in the chopped ingredients so everything sits flush).

13. COVER WITH BROTH. Combine beef-mushroom fluid)

14. BAKE 4 HOURS or until veggies are fork-tender and beef soft tissue is rendered. Check at the 2 hour mark—if more than 1/2″ of the stew is uncovered, top up with water.

15. SEASON TO TASTE with salt and pepper.

TO ASSEMBLE THE POT PIE:

Gravy tip: a hot broth will incorporate your thickening agent better. If your broth has cooled, heat it up before thickening.

1. PREHEAT OVEN to 375° F.

2. STRAIN INGREDIENTS. Once the stew is cool enough to handle, remove the bouquet garni. Transfer ingredients to a bowl—you want enough meat and veggies to fill the pie with about an overall 1/2″ mound.

3. REDUCE BROTH. Simmer fluid over medium high heat until fluid is reduced by half and begins to thicken.

4. THICKEN GRAVY. Transfer 1/2 cup of the reduced stew broth to a bowl and whisk in 1/4 cup corn starch or other thickening agent, 1 Tbsp at a time, until liquid is smooth and glossy. Return thickened mixture to the pot and stir to combine. Repeat to desired thickness—you’re looking for a slightly runny, gravy-like consistency that won’t saturate your crust before it’s started to bake.

5. FORM BOTTOM CRUST. Roll the crust out according to these directions or as your prepared puff pastry requires. Transfer to pie plate, press into form and trim edges, leaving about a 1/4″ overhang. Prick pie bottom and edges with the tines of a fork to aerate.

6. FILL THE PIE. Transfer ingredients to the pie plate in layers, pulling apart large chunks of meat into bite-size pieces with your fingers. Add frozen peas to each layer as you go. You can also add fresh herbs at this step if you wish. Leave as little space between chunks as possible. Stop when your filling is 1/2″–1″ above the crust edge.

7. ADD GRAVY. Spoon enough gravy into the mixture that it fills the crevices, stopping 1/4″ shy of the rim of the pie plate. The amount will vary by vessel.

8. FORM TOP CRUST. Roll your second crust as you did the first and transfer to top of pie. Trim edges, leaving about a 1″ overhang. Tuck the edge of the top crust under the edge of the bottom crust to form a seal. Crimp and cut slits to your preference.

9. EGG WASH. Mix 1 whole egg and a teaspoon of water into a smooth slurry. Brush the exposed crust of the pie with the slurry.

10. BAKE THE PIE. Bake uncovered for 30-45 minutes, turning 180° once as your oven requires, until the crust is golden brown.

LET COOL AND SERVE!

0 notes

stolte-sawa · 4 years

Text

Boeuf Bourguignon-Style Pot Pie

Here’s what you need:

STEW INGREDIENTS:

DOUBLE PIE CRUST (if making):

- 2 cups flour - 1/2 cup sour cream - 1/2 pound (2 sticks) unsalted butter - 2 tsp sugar - 1 tsp salt

OR STORE-BOUGHT PUFF PASTRY (if u a chump):

- Enough pastry for a double-crust pie (I’ve never done this, you’re on your own)

EQUIPMENT:

MAKE THE CRUST:

If making your own crust, it requires some time to chill, so you can make this ahead and chill up to 2 days ahead of use or make it once the stew is in the oven.

MAKE THE STEW:

1. PREHEAT OVEN to 250° F.

9. COOK GARLIC. Add a tablespoon of butter or oil to the pan. Add garlic and fry to your preference—I cook my garlic until just aromatic, about 90 seconds. Transfer to Dutch oven.

10. ADD POTATOES. Add raw potato pieces to the Dutch oven.

11. BOUQUET GARNI. Make a bouquet of all the herbs you wish to include, fashioning to minimize pieces falling out. Encircle with parsley ribs and wrap tightly with kitchen twine. Add to Dutch oven (I like to bury it in the chopped ingredients so everything sits flush).

12. COVER WITH BROTH. Combine beef-mushroom fluid)

13. BAKE 4 HOURS or until veggies are fork-tender and beef soft tissue is rendered. Check at the 2 hour mark—if more than 1/2″ of the stew is uncovered, top up with water.

14. SEASON TO TASTE with salt and pepper.

TO ASSEMBLE THE POT PIE:

Gravy tip: a hot broth will incorporate your thickening agent better. If your broth has cooled, heat it up before thickening.

1. PREHEAT OVEN to 375° F.

3. THICKEN GRAVY. Transfer 1/2 cup of the stew broth to a bowl and whisk in 1/4 cup corn starch or other thickening agent, 1 Tbsp at a time, until liquid is smooth and glossy. Return thickened mixture to the pot and stir to combine. Repeat to desired thickness—you’re looking for a slightly runny, gravy-like consistency that won’t saturate your crust before it’s started to bake.

4. FORM BOTTOM CRUST. Roll the crust out according to these directions or as your prepared puff pastry requires. Transfer to pie plate, press into form and trim edges, leaving about a 1/4″ overhang. Prick pie bottom and edges with the tines of a fork to aerate.

5. FILL THE PIE. Transfer ingredients to the pie plate in layers, pulling apart large chunks of meat into bite-size pieces with your fingers. Add frozen peas to each layer as you go. You can also add fresh herbs at this step if you wish. Leave as little space between chunks as possible. Stop when your filling is 1/2″–1″ above the crust edge.

6. ADD GRAVY. Spoon enough gravy into the mixture that it fills the crevices, stopping 1/4″ shy of the rim of the pie plate. The amount will vary by vessel.

7. FORM TOP CRUST. Roll your second crust as you did the first and transfer to top of pie. Trim edges, leaving about a 1″ overhang. Tuck the edge of the top crust under the edge of the bottom crust to form a seal. Crimp and cut slits to your preference.

8. EGG WASH. Mix 1 whole egg and a teaspoon of water into a smooth slurry. Brush the exposed crust of the pie with the slurry.

9. BAKE THE PIE. Bake uncovered for 30-45 minutes, turning 180° once as your oven requires, until the crust is golden brown.

LET COOL AND SERVE!

0 notes

iamjustthemoon · 4 years

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i’m missing finland again

I'm missing Finland again. an ache, in the deepest parts of where my heart starts, through the end of my stomach, with a flowing throb into the deep trenches of my upper intestines and a slow trickle down through the other organs that sit inside my waist. it’s an ache like the missing of a person.

My nostalgic memories of my every summer habits tattooed into my being, start pulling at me wondering why I am not revisiting these places. The smells and places growing strong in the storage sections of my brain. They sit deep within my hippocampus to neocortex, iron clad in the almond shaped amygdala forever binding these memories into the emotional whirlpool of what I consider me.

I ache when I leave, standing in the airport. That part hurts, just like the leaving of a lover, or a friend, or a family member you cherish. But then once on that plane, you look ahead, shift gaze forward, and it's onwards from here. You let the sinking sadness of the place float gently in the airwaves you are rocketing through, knowing you will be returning sometime, this pain is not forever.

Now, in this global crisis, this ache of missing has started to throb from the absence of this place, as I physically cannot go. The missing started like a whisper, and as the days tick past, the weeks then months, my body’s muscle memory starts to pull at the parts of me that remember

I start to use my imagination again. I tap into the pieces of my brain I haven’t actively exercised to their full potential. The child in us, who used to imagine everything; I use her now to get somewhere I want to be, but can’t. I let the shifting weather, with her cool whispers, remind me of the late summer Finnish days, always cool enough as the purple light of midnight sets around me. The clearer air and soft bird song, I let any inkling of similarity catapult me into a deep memory that I pull into and over me like the softest of blankets, covering my face and body into a sea of memory.

I use sensory triggered imagination to reach the spots of memory in my brain, then unlock them with the most powerful potential, as scent is the most rudimentary of senses. Smell has roots trailing back to single celled organisms interacting with the chemicals around them, tapping into our brain now wired with over 1,000 smell receptors, versus the 4 we have for sight, and 4 we have for touch. Smell unlocks the deepest parts of our

One whiff of a cool breeze, or the scent of cardamom, a mossy patch in the woods, or the laundry detergent my grandmother always uses, sends me rushing back into the space that I ache for. I hold on tightly to this space i’ve been catapulted to and sharpen my eyes of imagination to keep me floating there.

I miss crisp summer days, midnight sun; where evening turns to dusk turns to purple blueish pink light that lasts up to eleven o'clock at night, and the darkness only sets in for about two hours, and even then it’s a dark blueish dark, not completely black. the sun starts to rise again around 2 am, and once your eyes open fully at 7 or 8, the sun has already danced it way high into the sky and you feel as if you’ve just risen at half past noon.

I miss the clearness of the air and the forests, The simplicity of the birch trees and pine trees. the straightness of their trunks, and the mossy rocky undergrowth that blankets the forest floor. The sparse undergrowth of trees and small bushes. The stark contrast of the paper white birch trees; trunks of white with dark streaks of black that look painted on with deliberation, amidst the stick straight trunks of the dark brown pine trees. Small blueberry(bilberry) plants cover the forest floor. Unassuming and low to the ground, their small green leaves hidden amongst the piles of moss and other small greenery that speckles the ground. But once the season hits, little blue berries dot these small green low lying plants, and the abundance of these powerful sweet berries is overwhelming.

I miss the quiet of Helsinki. the stone walkways and smooth buildings with beautiful doors. The seagulls and the soft scent of salty air from the brackish Baltic sea. pastel painted old stone buildings that sit nestled together in a myriad of colors. the sloping dips of the stoney streets bordered by lines of soft colored stripes of buildings on either side. Burnt oranges, sandy yellows, deep ochres and mint greens.

I miss the marketplace hustle of vendors selling blueberries, strawberries, apples, lingonberry (puolukka), snow berries (lakka), large sugar snap peas, fish of all kinds (salmon, muikku), wooden bowls and spoons, reindeer leather, small metal souvenirs. The scent of cardamom and cinnamon lingering sweetly in the air from the freshly baked yeasty sweet breads all Finns eat with coffee.

I miss the clear bright blue sky. The clarity of it’s color cascading down to the tops of the trees and forests that are never far from sight. The reflective surface of the lakes that dot the quiet countryside, of rolling meadows and small, red wood houses, each one with it’s own small black sauna that sits on water’s edges.

I miss the glassy still lake at sunset, when the surface reflects the purple blue streaks of sky, the colors that bloom just after the sun touches the backs of the trees and disappears for only a few summer hours. The stillness of the water creates a mirror to amplify the watercolor sky that turns the whole view into a vivid painting. The hot, smoky heat of the wood smoked sauna still lingering on bare skin as i step into the cool, still, painting. I dip my legs in purple, pink, and slowly sink myself into the cold ripples, watching the heat steam off my warmed flesh and into the evening sky. The extreme contrast of temperatures brings me to a sense of rebirth, as I submerge my head underneath the cold water and bring it back up to surface. Nothing feels better than this.

I miss the grocery stores; the potatoes in massive barrels. New potatoes are smaller than the ones in the states; about the size of an egg. You can buy them cleaned (washed and scrubbed) in one barrel, slightly dirty in another barrel, and then completely dirt covered, no cleaning yet, in another barrel. This being the cheapest option, as you take them home and scrub them in the sink, or lake, with a potato scrubbing brush, or glove, or by rolling them in the sand at the shores of the lake, as we did in Puumala when I was a kid. the aisles of endless milk products. rows and rows of cartoned yogurts in every flavor, quark and cottage cheese, and plastic packaged blocks of squeaky cheeses. the meat and seafood counter with the majority dedicated to slabs of fresh fish. Salmon. Fresh salmon, salted salmon, dill salmon, smoked salmon, plank salmon.

I miss the smells of raw birch and finnish pine; smells that linger in beautiful well designed buildings. Classic Scandinavian architecture with it’s clean lines, light wood, large windows; perfect use of space and light.

I miss the ferries that meander around the island speckled coast. the salty air and ocean spray. the tiny little islands still inhabited, with traditional little houses painted in red, or yellows, sometimes whites. the quiet of the calm Baltic, softly wavy waters and continuous string of little islands as far as you can see.

I miss the rolling coastline of the edges of helsinki. the small islands that dot the surrounding baltic sea, and the small bridges that connect them. I miss kallios, the epically smooth rock that reveal themselves at the edges of water, and speckled in forests. their smooth skin peaking like the backs of whales cresting the ocean surface. the secrets of time told by these rocks, smoothed down by the weather over eons of years. The silkiness of this stone is so gentle, it sends soft tingling sensations down to the bottom of my feet when I run my hands down the sides. with especially large ones like small mountains, kids like to make slides out of their smooth curved surface, marked by silky ribbons of use cascading down the sides.

I miss the Helsinki airport. It's quiet silence, not eerie but welcoming. soft, padded sounds in a pristine clean space, light wood and floor to ceiling glass windows. Sometimes soft bird chirping sounds are heard in the bathrooms as ambient noise. The quiet in the airport is what gets me. It feels as if only two or three planes land a day, and spaced so evenly apart that the scattered speckling of people makes the space feel like not a bustling hub of international air travel, but a quiet abandoned, but well kept modern shopping center, hushed but breathing. the portal to my entering this sacred spot of mine.

0 notes

massholevegan-blog · 6 years

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Vegan Pantry Starter Pack

When I first went vegan, I was seriously overwhelmed by all of the seemingly “weird” ingredients recipes called for. As a South Shore girl raised almost exclusively on fluffernutter sandwiches, Hamburger Helper, and Hood ice cream, I had no idea what the hell nutritional yeast was, or even that grocery stores even sold rice that didn’t come in a 99¢ Knorr’s packet.

And then once I finally had all of these fancy new ingredients and brought them to the cashier, my jaw dropped. Why was everything so expensive? Isn’t vegan food supposed to be cheaper?!

What I didn’t know is that I would never experience that kind of sticker shock again. See, once you jump over the hurdle of buying all of these “weird” plant-based pantry staples for the first time, it’ll be weeks, months, or even years until you have to buy them again.

I’ve divided some of the most popular vegan pantry staples into three lists depending on how often I purchase them. As you can see, I only purchase the more expensive items once every 3-4 months, as most whole-foods vegan recipes only require small amounts of them. So keep those savings in mind when experiencing sticker-shock on your $8.99 bag of raw cashews -- yes, that may seem like a lot of money upfront, but that bag should last several months. Think about it -- you wouldn’t even think twice about buying a pack of chicken breasts (by the way, a decaying animal corpse is much, much “weirder” than a bag of nuts) for the same price, and those would only last a meal or two!

*NOTE: I didn’t add prices because those can vary from store to store. Also, if you want to buy organic, that will also raise prices. Do whatever’s best for your budget. Also, the estimates below are for a household with only two adults and no (human) children.

PURCHASE ONCE PER YEAR

All Vinegars: Red, White, Rice, Apple Cider, etc.

I buy vinegar in bulk and use only a few tablespoons per month.

Liquid Smoke

If you’re someone who loves smoky, BBQ flavors, you may have to buy this more often, but a few drops go a long way, so a small bottle will last awhile!

Molasses

I really only use molasses for baking or occasionally making a sweet teriyaki sauce, and even then, most recipes only call for a teaspoon or two.

Hot Sauce

Buy Frank’s Red Hot (or similar) in bulk for best results. Very shelf-stable!

Baking Soda

All brands are identical - buy the cheapest in bulk!

Baking Powder

Same goes for baking powder - all brand are identical so go hard in bulk.

Salt and Pepper

I use plain old iodized table salt and black peppercorns, so I buy the store brand in bulk, but if you’re into fancy salts (Celtic, pink, coarse, etc.), you may have to buy it more often and at a higher price.

Uncommon Spices: Nutmeg, Garam Masala, Lemon Pepper, Dill, Celery Seed, etc.

Everyone has spices they use far less often than the others, or in very small amounts. For these “rarely used” seasonings, you should only have to purchase them once a year if you play your cards right.

Dry Beans: Chickpeas, Black Beans, Navy Beans, Pinto Beans, etc.

A giant bulk bag will last you the entire year... unless you’re going hard with your Instant Pot. In that case, buy more often. But if you alternate between using dried and canned beans, you should be good.

PURCHASE ONCE EVERY 3-4 MONTHS

Nutritional Yeast

Level 10 Vegans all have a “nooch” jar that can hold about 2 lbs. of the cheesy goodness that is nutritional yeast. If you fill this jar up every 3 months or so, you should be set.

Tahini

Unless you’re making large quantities of tahini sauce or homemade hummus every week, a medium-sized jar of tahini should last you 3-4 months at the absolute minimum. Ocean State Job Lot always has the best price on this - typically $3.99.

Soy Sauce or Tamari

A medium/large bottle of low-sodium soy sauce or tamari (or liquid aminos for my Level 20 Expert Mode Vegans out there) should last you for quite some time.

Bulk Rice (Brown, Jasmine, Basmati, etc.)

Buy in bulk if you have room to store it. If you have access to an Asian supermarket (H-Mart, what’s up?!), you’ll find some pretty amazing rice deals there.

Bulk Wheat Pasta (Whole Grain)

Never pay more than $1.29 for a box of regular wheat pasta, and if possible, hold off until the store is giving them away for 89¢/box (Stop & Shop does this often) and go hard.

Flour (Whole Wheat)

I highly recommend buying a large bag of Bob’s Red Mill Whole Wheat Pastry Flour from Market Basket. It’ll last.

Sugar (Unrefined: Pure Cane, Coconut, etc.)

As Mary Poppins used to sing, “a spoonful of unrefined sugar makes your oatmeal taste way better.”

Canned Beans

I buy 6 cans at a time when on sale: Black, Cannellini, Chickpeas, etc. That way, you have a stockpile to pull from.

Raw Nuts: Almonds, Cashews, Walnuts

Honestly, buying raw nuts sucks because they’re never inexpensive - even when on sale. But they’re so worth it, and you won’t use them that often, so don’t stress too much.

Common Spices: Garlic Powder, Onion Powder, Black Pepper, Cumin, Chili Powder, Sage, Rosemary, etc.

Just grab 2-3 $1 bottles of each at Ocean State Job Lot every 3-4 months.

Apple Sauce

I like to buy the prepackaged/sealed single-serve cups so that they don’t go bad; unsweetened, of course.

Fancy Grains and Healthy Nutritional Stuff

Farro, Israeli couscous, chickpea pasta, hemp hearts, chia seeds, soba noodles, flax seeds... all of that fun stuff you use rarely or in small amounts. Protip: Buy from Vitacost using eBates when they’re having a flash sale.

PURCHASE ONCE OR TWICE A MONTH

Tofu and Other “Proteins”

Never pay more than $2 per block. My local Asian grocery store, H-Mart, hooks me up with 99¢ blocks, so I buy five packages at a time, making my monthly tofu cost $5. Tempeh, seitan, and other fake meats are not really a part of my everyday diet, but if I see some on sale, I may grab 1-2 packages per month.

Frozen Vegetables: Peas, Stir Fry Medleys, Leeks, Greens, Broccoli, etc.

I never pay more than $1.59 for a bag of frozen vegetables, and I typically max out on 99¢ cent deals. Make sure to avoid frozen veggies that come in a “sauce” or are “pre-seasoned” - the only ingredient(s) listed should be the vegetable(s) itself - no salt, oil, or seasonings. Market Basket or Wegman’s are my go-to frozen veggie providers.

Frozen Fruit: Mango, Blueberries, Strawberries, Raspberries, etc.

This purchase becomes more frequent in the summer, as I crave cold smoothies more when it’s hot out. If you ever see a good deal that makes fresh fruit (or veggies) cheaper than their frozen counterparts, make sure to grab them and freeze them on your own!

Peanut Butter

Natural, no salt added - the only ingredient listed should be “Peanuts” or “Dry Roasted Peanuts.” Chunky or smooth - the choice is yours. Teddie’s or Trader Joe’s brand is always a safe bet.

Maple Syrup

100% pure - none of that high-fructose corn syrup garbage. Bonus points if it’s from Vermont to keep things local!

Dry Lentils: Red and Brown

ABBL: Always Be Buying Lentils. Just trust me. Cheapest, healthiest food on the planet. And so much iron!

Canned Tomatoes: Diced, Tomato Paste, Crushed, Sauce

When possible, buy the “No Salt Added” varieties.

Condiments: Ketchup, BBQ Sauce, Mustard, or whatever you use most often.

PURCHASE WEEKLY

Plant-Based Milk: Almond, Coconut, Soy, etc.

As a family that eats oatmeal and/or smoothies almost every day, we buy approx. one gallon per week.

Oats

Whatever whole-grain oats suit your fancy: rolled/old fashioned, quick, steel-cut, etc. Just make sure the only ingredient is oats: no added salt, sugar, or other random chemicals. We buy our oats in bulk at Whole Foods.

Bananas

Buy in 3 stages of ripeness if possible: green (not even close to being ripe), yellow (the way omnivores like them), and just starting to spot (almost vegan-ready: make sure to wait until they’re very brown and spotty!).

Fresh Vegetables: Bell Peppers, Mushrooms, Carrots, Celery, Greens, and whatever else you use most often.

Look out for sales or hit up the discount produce rack to try new veggies!)

Fresh Fruit: Apples, Oranges, Lemons, and whatever else you use most often.

Potatoes

A five lb. bag of potatoes should last you longer than a week, but I always at least pick up a few sweet potatoes during my weekly shopping trip.

Onions

Pick up a bag of white/yellow onions and maybe a red onion or two.

Garlic

And while you’re in that section, grab a head or two of bulk garlic.

#vegan #veganism #veganlife #veganfood #plantpower #plantbasedliving #plantbased

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macgyvermedical · 7 years

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How to Eat Paleo as a single person on about $5/day

This is super off topic for this blog, but…

I did this for about a year in college. Last night at the LGBTQ center we were talking about healthy eating and I mentioned it, and was challenged to bring in a shopping list/meal plan detailing what I had done.

What I consider Paleo: I lived on my own version of paleo, which I called “Functional Paleo.” I defined this as “no grain, no dairy, no legumes, no refined carbs, and no artificial sweeteners, flavors, or preservatives.” It is not organic, the meat is not free range, and I did not use coconut or other substitute flours for anything (except when cooking for my parents or special occasions). I bought very few things that had multiple ingredients, but didn’t concern myself too much with small amounts of soy or sugar (like in the tuna, stewed tomatoes, or condiments).

My other caveat is that I had (and continue to have) an Aldi near me. All prices cited are Aldi prices as they exist today (though prices can be similar at other value food stores like Marc’s and Save a Lot). You can actually do paleo significantly cheaper than this if you have to, but this level provided enough variety for me to not flip my kitchen table on a regular basis. This is what I did personally.

***Items listed are “Per Week” unless otherwise specified***

Protein:

Eggs- 2 dozen, about $1 (Aldi eggs cost anywhere from 20c to $1.29/dozen, usually on the lower end of that with a limit of six dozen per costomer. I used 50c/dozen here as a good average)

Meat- 2lbs of either chicken breast, stew meat, or chorizo, about $8 (get the middle-range (Never Any! brand) chicken, its the same price as the low range if you factor in that the low range has 15% broth in it by weight, which will cook out anyway).

Tuna: 2 cans, packed in water, about $1.40

Vegetables:

Sale veggie- 2 pkg, about $3 total

Cauliflower- 1 large, 1.79

Broccoli- 1 bag, 1.50

Stewed tomatoes- 2 cans, $1 total

3lb Onions- $1.50 (every other week)

3lb Sweet potatoes- $2

10lb Russet potatoes- $3 (once per month)

Fruits:

Sale fruit- 2 or 3 pkg, about $4 total

Canister Prunes or Raisins- $3

Frozen fruit of choice- $2

Nuts:

Whole raw almonds- 1pkg, $5

Other:

Dark Chocolate- 1 large bar, $1.50

Tea- 100 tea bags, $2 (once in a blue moon)

Instant Coffee- 120 cups worth, $3 (once in a blue moon)

Olive or sunflower seed oil- $3 (once per month or so)

Salt- one large canister iodized or box kosher, $2 (literally once per lifetime)

Condiments (I excepted these from paleo rules for my own sanity) mayo, ketchup, pickles, mustard, etc…- $1-$2 per item (once in a blue moon)

Dried spices- $1 each (get a good blend for about $2-$3 at Wal Mart or collect them separately and make lots of your own $1/spice) (once in a blue moon)

Vinegar of choice- $3 (once per month or longer, depending on how much you like vinegar)

Bouillon cubes- $2.50 (once in a blue moon)

Assuming you’re starting with an utterly bare cabinet and you buy all of the “once in a blue moon” and “once per month” items on your first trip (including condiments and spices), your initial investment will probably be about $50-60. After that first week, assuming you keep to the intervals outlined here, it should average a little less than $35.

Meal Prep Tips:

Boil most of the eggs, leave a couple for if you like fried eggs occasionally or want to make banana-egg pancakes. You can easily take boiled eggs in a lunchbox or eat them with prunes or raisins for a quick breakfast.

The prunes/raisins and almonds were and still are my go-to easy breakfast.

Grate the cauliflower- steam it with salt, oil and spices as a side later or mix it with the crumbled chorizo for a 1-bowl meal

Cook the sweet potatoes and regular potatoes ahead of time. There are lots of ways to do this and they are all delicious. They are also easy to pack in a lunch box.

Hard veggies like carrots, cauliflower, sweet potatoes, and broccoli are AMAZING when tossed in olive oil, salt, and spices and roasted or broiled.

Cook and pull the chicken (easiest in a pressure cooker but you can also boil the crap out of it too). Makes it super versatile. You can make like 10 different things with it and they will all feel different. No more plain chicken boob for you!

Stew with the stew meat, any veggies (including onions and potatoes) and spices will give you many easy future meals and can be made with just about anything you’ve got (throw the stewed tomatoes in this too).

Tuna salad (with oil and vinegar and spices if you’re really feeling paleo or mayo, onions and pickles if you’re me) and leftover roasted veggies make a great lunch.

#paleo #food #diet #not medical #packing lunch #nerdfitness

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nefarioussdotcom-blog · 4 years

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Should I count calories?

With so much information on the internet regarding calories and their connection to weight-loss, it's easy to get lost in all the fiction and miss out on the actual truth.

Counting calories is a time-consuming, mind-bending practice that’s actually a lesson in futility.

We pull out our calorie-tracking apps and plug in whatever foods we've eaten, feeling guilty when we go over our “recommended” calorie intake for the day, then run to the gym to try and undo it all... and we can't be blamed.The idea that monitoring all your calories is key for weight loss is a popular piece of advice from hundreds of online sources and info-hubs.

While there’s value in recording the foods we've eaten to understand what we’re consuming and offer accountability, and while it’s important to know relative calories (e.g., cake: high, broccoli: low), it’s a colossal waste of time to drill it down to every single calorie that passes your lips. Plus, let's not forget the twisted perception we get of our food and what impact it has on our body.

Of course, calories DO count, since they’re what you consume when all is said and done. But counting calories can be a real drag at best, and a dangerous practice at worst. Not only does it get you focusing on numbers instead of enjoying the food you’re eating, it can be a slippery slope from paying attention to calorie counts to obsessing over them. For anyone with a history of eating disorders, counting calories might be something to avoid. If you have or are in recovery from an eating disorder, it’s best to talk to your doctor before changing your eating habits or tracking your food.

I should also note that weight loss is about SO much more than calories. It encompasses exercise, how you sleep, how stressed you are, and health issues that you may not be able to control, like hormonal changes. That's why, if losing weight is your goal, it's important to acknowledge how individual a process it is and figure out how to do it in a way that's healthy for you. Make sure your goals are realistic for your body as well as the amount of time and energy you have to devote to the process.

Here's a list of reasons on why counting calories is actually NO BIG DEAL?

You likely have no idea how many calories you actually need - Yes, you can approximate the number of calories you use in a day via equations and apps, but that’s all you get: an approximation. If even the “gold standard” machine can be wrong, then why let some app or equation determine how much you should be eating?

You don’t know how many calories your body is absorbing from food - For example, you’ll absorb more calories from cooked meat versus raw meat, and peanut butter versus whole peanuts. Due to size differences, one sweet potato varies in calories from another before you even take it off the shelf at the store. Calories absorbed is a complex business that’s light years beyond any calorie-counting app on the market.

Calorie counts on packages aren’t necessarily accurate - Even if you know how many calories you need and how many you’re absorbing, you’re not done! In fact, the Food and Drug Administration allows up to 20 percent margin of error in the numbers on those nutrition labels you likely rely on to count many of your calories. Meaning, that 250-calorie snack you’re eating might actually have 200 calories—or 300.

Counting calories can encourage you to ignore your hunger cues - Focusing entirely on calories, instead of the quality of the food you’re eating and how you actually feel before chowing down (hungry, bored, stressed, etc.), can wreak havoc on those precious hunger cues you’re born with. Whether you’re eating just because you “have calories left,” even though you’re not truly hungry, or you’re not eating because you’ve “gone over” your calorie allotment for the day, but you’re actually still hungry, you’re doing the same thing: ignoring what your body is trying to tell you.

Calorie counting adds to the misconception you can “work off” the food you eat - Going over your “calorie allowance” again and again because you think you can burn off the transgressions? Nope. Your body doesn’t burn off food calorie-for-calorie like that. Your body can handle those extra calories without making you gain weight. It’s when you overeat on a more frequent basis that you can get into weight-gain territory.

Instead of counting every calorie you eat (or you THINK you’re eating…and absorbing), if you're hoping to lose weight, try this instead.

Opt mostly for fresh, whole foods when you're grocery shopping, and think of it as eating food, not calories. Try as hard as you can to look at your diet as a whole instead of the sum of its parts. That means focusing on healthy items like vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and lean protein, and it also means eating mindfully - slowing down, eating until you're satisfied, and giving deprivation a pass.

If you eat a balanced diet most of the time, your body will most likely respond by finding its balance—no calorie counting required.

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angelaxmontalbano · 4 years

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i remember the entire day that it happened. i think about it so much that it leaves me uncomfortable. i remember that i had just gotten to work for my 5:00 shift at mighty quinn’s in my new honda civic that i had literally just driven off the lot. it was my first car. i was so excited. it was the beginning of summer and i had just gotten great marks on my GED test. i felt happy for maybe the first time in my life. i loved my job and my boyfriend and i had money to spend on things i wanted. i had friends and they wanted to celebrate with me. these are the last memories i have of feeling good, of feeling optimistic about the future, about life, about me. so, i had just gotten to work, and i checked my phone. i had a missed call from my grandmother, who lived with me and my dad in our apartment. my dad was in florida visiting his estranged wife, with whom me and my grandmother both had strained relations, to put it mildly. i was worried she may have needed something or that it was an emergency, so i called her right back. i remember asking her if she was okay, if she had fallen, because she had done that a few times. i remember her telling me to come home right away. i remember trying to explain to her that i had just gotten to work and i wouldn’t be home until much later, and asking her again if everything was okay. she wouldn’t tell me anything. she told me to put my manager on the phone. i remember the sharp pang of fear in my chest, but i didn’t know what i was afraid of yet. but i knew something was very wrong. i found my manager, sheila, and put her on the phone with my grandmother. i remember the way sheila looked at me, and exactly how she said it to me, and what she said. “go home, angela.” i was out of there so fast that i didn’t even take my apron off. or my work hat. i got in my car and i called daniel, my boyfriend at the time. and i told him about what was going on. and i remember his voice on the phone, nicely telling me that everything was probably okay and to just focus on driving. i remember telling him, “i think it’s about my dad.” i don’t know why, but i really felt it deep down that that’s what it was about. i felt sick to my stomach with dread. i told myself i was being anxious, overthinking. daniel tried to tell me everything was okay. i got to our apartment. i walked up the stairs. my grandmother was sitting on the arm of the couch by the kitchen, next to the landline phone. i remember everything that happens next like a reel of film in my mind playing over and over again. she looked at me with the saddest eyes i’ve ever seen in another person. i always will remember her voice, her face. her eyes when she said this to me. “angela. oh, angela. your father died.” i covered my mouth. i yelled at her. i told her she was a liar and kept asking her why she was lying to me. suddenly i realized that i couldn’t physically stand up. i looked around our apartment. at my dad’s clothes, his underwear, his watch on the table. his tv. his bags, the decorations, his sneakers. everything suddenly looked wrong. it didn’t feel like home anymore. every single item there was now just an item and belonged to nobody. in a second. within a minute of her telling me this, i stumbled out of the apartment. i fumbled down the stairs, holding the wall and grabbing at it to keep from falling down. i was screaming. neighbors from other apartments came out. i heard my grandmother’s voice from down the hall begging me to come back. i remember being in the stairwell, looking down at my apron covered in sweet potatoes. i looked up at the window. my vision was blurred. i couldn’t think. i was in a frozen state of disbelief where nothing could be processed. some lady who came out of her apartment kept asking me if i was okay. what was going on. i told her my father just died. i kept saying it. i remember she felt so bad that she disappeared into her apartment. i wandered back up the stairs after some time. i heard my grandmother talking to someone on the phone. i heard: “they found him slumped...” “i told him not to go running today, i told him. it was just too damn hot.” these mental images physically cut into my material body. they hurt. i told her to shut up. that word, slumped, haunted me. they found him slumped.... this strong, healthy, fit man that was my father, a man who went running more than once a day for over 40 years and could drop and do 250 push-ups on command. this man who took care of himself and taught me the value of it every day, who taught me how to play basketball, softball, baseball, and tennis. who wanted to be an athlete since childhood. this man who never smoked in his life, never abused his body. believed in integrity, in hard work, and thought laziness was evil. this wise, brilliant man who worked hard as a lawyer for so long, who was my best friend. the person who loved me for who i am. the only person. the only one who could pull me out of a mood. the only one who could get me to smile when i felt hysterical. my face lit up when this man entered a room. i loved this man more than i loved myself. he followed me as i drove in my own car to take my GED test only a few weeks prior just to make sure i got there safely. my best friend. THEY FOUND HIM SLUMPED. i suddenly realized something. my sister. my sister hadn’t found out yet. i called my sister, intending to tell her to come to the apartment right away. i remember calling her crying my eyes out, unable to compose myself in any way. she told me she was by the mall, on the highway. she asked me if everything was okay. my selfishness overcame me and i wanted her comfort and love so badly that i told her over the phone. i told her that daddy died. i will regret telling her that way for the rest of my life but i couldn’t even think straight. i was on the floor of the apartment. i couldn’t move. i kept my face down at the ground, trying to tell myself that i had to be here for my grandmother and my sister. daniel was on his way over, too. the neighbor lady from earlier came back and gave me a cupcake. i remember when my grandmother told me that they approximated his death to have occurred at around 12:15 in the afternoon. i went into my messages with my dad in my phone and saw a text i sent at 11:48 that morning that said: “hi daddy!!”. when i read those words, something sharp inside me started hurting. my heart felt like it was just bleeding. cut open and raw. the pain was never ending. he never replied to me. he never would again. i deleted the conversation without at all thinking about how priceless that would have been to me later. i deleted it because it made the hair on my skin rise. i remember going to the kitchen, looking around at all the things my dad had left behind. i opened the fridge and saw a reese’s peanut butter cup i bought for him a few days prior because it was his favorite candy. i thought about it rotting there and full of mold because it would never be eaten now. i wanted to just take a knife and cut my face open with it.

that pang of fear that hit my chest when my grandmother and i talked over the phone, it’s still here in my chest. and bless her sweet, lovely soul, now my grandmother is dead too. and my beautiful sweet aunt vicki. that feeling of your heart being open and raw and bleeding forever, it’s still here. the pain and trauma of this still has me completely in its grasp. my whole family, completely gone. i can’t remember feeling anything but this fear, pain, and confusion anymore. i haven’t stopped feeling it since june 19, 2015. it’s december 17, 2019 now and i’m turning 24 in two days.

most of the time i just wish i was with my dad, my grandmother, and my aunt vicki. most of the time that’s just where home seems to be now. wherever they are. in the ground somewhere. gone. there goes my heart. there goes my everything. i miss being me. i miss being angela and not having fear. i miss when i used to have friends and be happy and talk to people. i just want my life back but i know it’s all gone. tell me how you’re supposed to keep going on with this inside of you all day every day. tell me why no one understands how i feel and now everyone who’s left just feels sorry for me. people say they’re sorry all the time to you once something like this happens to you. they look at you like you’re some kind of orphan or disabled person.

just. why? and where do i go now?

i don’t even want thursday to come. not if my daddy won’t be here to tell me happy birthday

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