#and sometimes admitting that i did a shitty thing that hurt someone to that person AND to MYSELF is what it takes to repair things.

[postalplants]

I dunno... I wish I could explain to people how I see the world and how some things about my world view could help them through what they're going through...

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a paragon of mental health or balanced thinking. I'm not. There are just some things and ways that I think that are healthy and useful skills.

#i dont know who i am right now. i feel more like veronica than kk... #anyways. as a system. there are ways that we look at the world. #like taking responsibility for our own actions and holding ourselves accountable for them. sure thats partly trauma but its partly healing #its so hard sometimes for us to not point out how helpful it would be for someone to stop & look at what theyve contributed to a #negative situation. because life is complicated and people are complicated. #and sometimes admitting that i did a shitty thing that hurt someone to that person AND to MYSELF is what it takes to repair things. #sometimes it hurts to admit to myself that i did something awful or even just kind of dickish. but i do. #and i dont know. i think its partly a self-humbling that comes with vulnerability but its also this... #honesty exercise. like. if you cant be honest with yourself then you cant grow as a person. #and i can be so angry at and hurt by someone and STILL say Yes I Did Something Wrong too. #and nobody read this and think im talking about abusers because im not. #if its an abuser situation then dont try to fix anything just try to survive and escape. #but on that note! lol. this has also helped me not feel guilty for being abused. #taking responsibility for MY actions and holding myself accountable for MY actions has made it easier for me to let go of responsibility #for things that other people say and do including when its shit that hurts me. #i dont feel guilty for things my abusers did even if i did something that triggered it or led to it bc they CHOSE to abuse me. #they didnt have to. but what they did isnt my responsibility. disobedience doesnt require abuse. my responsibility is what came after. #do you see what i mean? how that frees me? #and in doing this and getting better at it its almost like im getting better at seeing whats actually my fault and responsibility #and its making it easier to set boundaries because i see my responsibilities and needs vs how others actions affect me #you see? #yeah...

[cosmics-beings]

I think another thing I like about starscream, yet hate that the fandom fails to acknowledge about starscream is that, a lot of his rotten personality and his nastiness comes from way before he meets megatron and way before he was a deception.

That’s not to say that a lot of the ways he acts doesn't mirror megatron and the mistreatment he went through. and that impacts how starscream heals, makes friends, etc., idw - like what megatron did still badly affects him and that's not something to be ignored, and it's still not fair that he doesn't get the same happiness megatron did.

But, I think that people do tend to act as if Starscream was perfect and uncorrupt before Megatron.

That's not true...starscream was also a rotten, manipulative and bad person before that. and a lot of that was in response to how he was treated and hating his own body/existence, and the caste system, etc. We see how a lot of people in transformers react to oppression and I think starscream is such an interesting case of someone who is so angry and furious at the system he was created in that he takes it out on others yet still fights for himself and only himself. It is sad, and it’s awful to see how his own existence and the caste system does destroy him, but I think its important to note and to understand to just see how oppressed people still have to fight through their own oppression and sometimes, because of that, because of the trauma they go through, turn rotten. And Starscream did terrible, sneaky, and awful things. He did shitty things to climb to the top and he hurt those around him, he hurt people he trusted him, and he was happy to be that way. No one made him evil, manipulative, or untrustworthy, he did that on his own.

I don’t like that a lot of the fandom tends to tie Starsream’s negative and problematic behavior and personality to megatron because it also takes away from a lot of growth, agency and discussion about starscream’s personality and why he is the way he is.

He wasn’t a perfect, innocent and shy person before he met megatron, or before he became a deception. He still did awful things and while becoming a deception was a way he could grow past the system that created him, he still did very much do so for power. Starscream was an ambitious yet a morally ambiguous person before megatron and he had to be to survive in his own mind. His life wasn’t perfect and happy before megatron, he was still fighting and he was still scheming to survive.

I really don’t like how people kind of take that away from him, and act like everything he does and every shitty way he acts is *because* of megatron. I know it’s not fun to have to admit that he wasn’t a good person before megatron met him, but I think it’s necessary to understand his character, and not a lot of people do. And when you don’t do that, you have people misinterpreting his character and being genuinely shocked when he does villainous things. Like for instance, sky bound starscream’s actions shock a lot of people because they don’t think that he is a villain - I remember a lot of ES critique is that earthspark starscream doesn’t need a redemption act- he just needs people to love and accept him. And I think you guys forgot that he was also a space fascist and enjoyed killing people on his own accord. And while megatron himself does impact how starscream acts and treats others - starscream still was an extremely problematic person eons before he met megatron.

I don’t think this negates just how badly Megatron’s treatment fucked him up, and made it so that it was difficult for him to form relationships even after, or find happiness. And I think that’s just something that cannot be ignored. But I also think starscream is more interesting as a character if the fandom acknowledged that he was this way before, that he wasn’t perfect or innocent, and that he reacted that way because he was unhappy with is life, his station, his caste, etc.

this also isn't a chance to come and try to excuse how megatron treated him, so pls don't do that on here.

#i remember looking at an earthspark video and it's like 'starscream does bad things but none of it is his fault because of meg-' #and im like 'nooooo' #it's okay for people to acknolwedge that he was 'bad' to begin with #i don't know how we as a fandom got to the point where they convinced themselves he wasn't a villain #and when you tie EVERYTHING he does to his time with megs #then you invalidate him #he is more than than his relationship with megs (also not saying his name bcos i don't want it to end up in his tag) #like it makes me so upset when fans tie everything he does to him #and it's like they are afraid to admit that he is evil and highly problematic #and in many ways just like megs BEFORE he met him #because you guys again - think a victim can only be one way #it's insulting #starscream #transformers #also sorry for the slurry of unpopular starscream opinions #i just hate how i feel that his character is only allowed to be seen s *one* way

[bird-inacage]

Love in the Air: Sky’s Desire to be Loved

Sky is already breaking my heart. What I really picked up on in this episode is despite the pain, disappointment and trauma Sky carries with him, he still ultimately just wants to be loved.

At the race, when he first realises Prapai is staring at him, he looks slightly taken aback in a pleasantly surprised sort of way. Like ‘oh, he noticed me’. It’s evident that Sky finds Prapai very attractive, and so when Prapai takes him aside, you can tell that Sky is shy, nervous even. That’s the sort of reaction you only have in front of someone you potentially like. However, as soon as Prapai comes out with his proposition, Sky’s impression of him immediately does a 180. You can tell how hurt he is by this revelation. It’s not simply ‘oh this guy is an asshole too’, but more so, ‘why is this happening to me again?’

The fact that Sky agrees to their one night stand is more than just about repaying a favour or rising to the challenge. To me this is a sign of self-destructive behaviour. I think he resorts to his usual defence mechanism which is playing nonchalant. Maybe if he pretends to be unaffected and somehow detached from this emotionally, he won’t be hurt when it dawns on him all over again that this was purely a physical transaction. But he goes into this knowing that he’s hurt, hurting and will be hurt further by it.

I think Sky feels better when he has control and is taking the initiative. Because then something at least is on his terms, and he can convince himself he’s okay that it is just sex.

So Sky chooses to give in purely to lust, and to allow that to sweep him away. He is able to enjoy their night together simply on a physical level. However, immediately afterward you can tell Sky is unhappy, empty and regretful. He feels like nothing but an object of desire. His attempt to detach himself emotionally wasn’t successful. So he reaches for Prapai again for that momentary high. The brief comfort that comes from connecting with someone during sex is only temporary.

People who have experienced abusive or toxic relationships, desperately want the other person to love them equally, and are therefore willing to compromise their own discomfort, their own boundaries and concede to more and more to please that person.

I do also think that some people who are desperately seeking love, sometimes mistake any form of intimacy as a substitute. They’ll take what is offered to them, even if it makes them feel bad about themselves. Which is why I believe Sky continued to engage with Prapai that night, because he probably tried to convince himself that it was enough, which clearly backfired.

Then we see Sky leave the hotel, looking so dejected, small and alone. What kills me about these scenes is the quiet resignation in Sky’s acceptance of the situation. He just looks like he’s thinking ‘how could you be so stupid?’ And when he says “you’re also an asshole” - he sounds genuinely disappointed. Like he was really hoping Prapai would be different and prove him wrong.

Sky then returns home where he clearly wants to cry but holds it in. I think Sky believes that if he truly broke down in that moment, then he would have truly admitted defeat. That it would be affirmation that he has allowed this to get to him and hurt him, when he was so determined not to let that happen again.

“Shitty things always happen to me”. When bad things happen repeatedly to someone, it’s easy to internalise that as if it is somehow your fault because the common denominator is you.

Later in the episode, there are multiple scenes where Sky reiterates that he doesn’t think Prapai would ever truly be interested in him. That Prapai’s interest in pursuing him is just for sex.

When he answers Prapai’s call for the first time, he doesn’t yet know who it is, and yet Prapai crosses his mind. This shows that Prapai did leave an impression on him. Sky has not completely erased him from his mind.

The other important detail to note here is that even though Sky deems Prapai an ‘asshole’, he doesn’t at any point say he’s not attracted to him. He’s always commenting on how he feels Prapai wouldn’t be attracted to him. This demonstrates that Sky does genuinely believe (despite all his negative impressions) that Prapai is out of his league and would never take real notice of him. He would not be having these thoughts if he didn’t like Prapai on some level. And he hates himself for that, because he feels he should know better.

It’s because he’s attracted to Prapai that he can’t help feeling taken by Prapai’s advances. He even peers out of the window to see if Prapai is still there. He repeatedly tells himself to shake out of it, knowing he shouldn’t entertain these delusions.

In the last scene where Sky receives the sunflowers, he’s taken aback for a moment when Prapai tells him why he sent them. “Cause sunflowers face the sky, I can’t be the sun for you but whenever you see sunflowers, remember that this wind’s watching over the sky”.

Sky is aware that Prapai is sweet talking. But he can’t help himself from being genuinely touched for a moment, like his brain is going ‘see, someone is doing this for you, that must mean something right?’.

At this stage Prapai doesn’t fully mean it. Not really. The man has no idea what his own feelings for Sky are. But this was still surprisingly heartfelt and sweet. A passing comment which meant a whole lot to Sky in that moment because it was so nice to just hear someone try and sweet talk him for once - regardless of how genuine it was.

Sky is clearly conflicted over his feelings around Prapai. He knows he should be staying well away, but at the same time he can’t help but want to be the object of someone’s attentions. Little does he know how deeply Prapai will come to love him.

#this broke my fragile heart #LITA #love in the air #love in the air series #LITA analysis #prapaisky #love sky #sky #love in the air episode 8 #i have a lot of thoughts on sky this episode #sky needs to be cherished treasured and adored for the rest of time #again - im not a novel reader so please keep spoilers away

[x-liv25-jamieswife]

Grayson enemies to lovers hc?

grayson enemies to lover head canons

sure! i don't think this will be very long bc i don't really have any ideas and i'm not good with oc's/reader hcs. you also didn't specify if you want the other character to be a man or woman so i'll just refer to the character as 'them'. this is really bad and cliche. im sorry T-T.

i just know he'd be like cardan in the cruel prince (if you know what that is) when he kept writing jude's name on this piece of paper (basically, he'd hate them but wouldn't be able to stop thinking about them).

he'd do the biggest background check on them. he'd hire 10 private investigators to make sure they're not going to kill his family.

he'd call them something like sweetheart (or anything else) in a condescending way if you get what i mean

the other character would call him smth like 'love' to annoy him or smth meaner like 'asshole'

the other character would outsmart him all of the time, but grayson would be too prideful to admit it so he'd just ignore them or stare at them weirdly.

i imagine the love interest being quite funny and being the type of person to crack jokes. they make grayson smile but he always hides it. he never admits to it when someone brings it up.

they would be the only person capable of getting a rise out of grayson. he never swears unless they provoke him.

i don't think grayson is the type of person to not apologize when he does smth wrong. although he hates them, if he says/does smth really shitty and uncalled for, he would apologize

i can see the 'who did this to you' trope happening, but grayson is the one to get hurt (somehow got in a fight or was ambushed by some people who wanted to kill him), not the other character

grayson would consider himself in debt after the other character helped him with his wound. he'd end up doing some digging and finding out that the other character wishes to travel to europe cause they never got the chance to. he'd buy them a plane ticket and book them a room at a super expensive hotel to some place.

nothing extravagant ends up happening before they confess that they love each other. it's more of a slow build up. they'll be sitting next to each other at night (why, its up to you to imagine that), and one character (im thinking the love interest is saying this, but it could also the grayson) will go 'i think i might be falling in love with you' really quietly.

the other person ends up ignoring them for days bc they love the other person too but they're scared of what might happen if they give in. eventually, though, they talk it out and get together.

even when they become lovers, they still call each other sweetheart and asshole sometimes bc it reminds them of how petty they used to be when they were younger.

late at night, one day, they'll be lying in bed and they'll start talking about what made them fall in love with the other person (a lot of tears were shed).

the love interest would constantly tease grayson about how petty, prideful, and untrustworthy he was. they'll be at an event talking to strangers when the love interest goes 'you remember when you hired 10 private investigator to do a background check on me?' and the people they're talking to just stare in shock and are slightly frightened.

this is probably the shittiest thing i've ever written but oh well T-T. i didn't want to not do it so here we are. im posting an averyjameson hcs post soon to make up for this shit.

#the inheritance games #jameson hawthorne #grayson hawthorne #avery grambs

[basu-shokikita]

Kloktober 2023 Day 7

Missing AOTD Scene

I have a lot of feelings for the fact that Skwisgaar was essentially Toki's comfort person in AOTD. I also have a lot of feelings for the fact that neither Toki nor Skwisgaar have any recollection of the Doomstar Requiem events. Lastly, I have a LOT of feelings for the way Skwisgaar and Toki seemed to drift apart in Season 4 post-Bookklok.

So today's entry addresses all of the above. Can be read as shippy or platonic! I just love these two's bond so fucking much 😔👊

Skwisgaar kept a frown on his face as they passed the mourning crowd. Didn’t even spare a glance at Toki, seemingly unmoved by his stress. He just kept walking, like he was alone and not supposed to take him with him. Glaring at anyone that dared to peek at him, Skwisgaar’s steps turned faster when he saw the restroom sign.

“Gods damn it, Toki.” He muttered after shutting the door behind them. “I alreadies tolds you not to does dat in publicks.”

“Sorries…” Toki had taken off his headphones, gripping them between his fingers. “I forgots.”  His bottom lip trembled with nervousness.

“You keeps forgetting!” Skwisgaar exclaimed and Toki hunched with fear. “It ams okay.” He clicked his tongue with exasperation. “Forgets about it.”

Still reluctant, Toki raised his eyes shyly. “Cans I…?”

Skwisgaar looked away, trying not to seem as annoyed as he was. “Fines.” He accepted.

From the corner of his eye, he could make out Toki’s excited smile before strong arms wrapped around him and he got a mouthful hair that he promptly coughed out of his lips. The clang of the headphones hitting the floor felt distant.

“Thank you, Skwisgaar.” Toki said, with so much warmth in his voice that it was almost melting at the edges of Skwisgaar’s hardened heart. Again.

Unenthusiastically, he placed his palm on Toki’s scalp. He didn’t move it or anything, it just stayed there, like some kind of nonchalant pressure on the top of Toki’s head. Instead, Toki leaned into the touch, rubbing his head against it like an excited puppy meeting his owner.

Skwisgaar sighed. Toki had been doing this a lot ever since they got him back. Which didn’t really mean anything when Skwisgaar only remembered that one day Toki was there, and the other, he wasn’t. One week, Toki wanted to ruin his career and their relationship without giving two thoughts about it. The other one, he was huddling up to him like his life depended on it. 

It was…disorienting to say the least. They never had a chance to mend things up after the Ice Festival. And Skwisgaar could’ve sworn Toki had only grown more distant ever since, hanging more with Magnus or Rockzo or whoever. 

So, how come now he cared? How come now he wanted to spend time with Skwisgaar? Why him of all people, suddenly?

He would rather die than admit it outloud, but Skwisgaar loved Toki. He really did. The little guy was the closest he had ever experienced to opening up to someone. Sure, he couldn’t stand his attitude sometimes or his lack of discipline, but he still loved him and he loved spending time with him more than anybody else in the band. 

And Toki had thrown all of that away for a goddamn solo. For a stupid solo that he flunked anyway. And Skwisgaar was just supposed to forget all about that because, what? Toki’s shitty choices in companions came to bite him in the ass? This would’ve never happened if he just stayed…

His breath hitched upon realizing the direction of his thoughts. He glanced down at Toki, who was now pressing his face against Skwisgaar’s chest and giggling stupidly, lost in his own world.

This would’ve never happened if Toki had just remained by his side. He buried his face in Toki’s mane and shut his eyes with frustration.

Frustration that he cared about Toki so deeply that he was embarrassed for the rest of the world to know. Frustration that Toki had hurt him so badly that Skwisgaar couldn’t find in his heart to forgive him still. Frustration that he couldn’t help but put his own hurt aside to comfort Toki. 

Skwisgaar inhaled, etching into his memory Toki’s scent. Sweat mingled with artificial strawberry scent from the shampoo he always used, musk from his try-hard manly deodorant and just the faintest aftertaste of peach, from the sugar-free gummies he had been munching on earlier. So messy, so...him.

His eyes started to sting, a sudden urgency to hug Toki’s neck getting the better of him. “Don’ts leaves me agains…” He said so low, that he was pretty sure Toki didn’t hear it. “Just don’ts leaves me…”

Roughed up hands on his waist squeezed him, like some sort of reassurance and Skwisgaar felt a knot in his throat.

He had never been great with physical affection but, for the first time in his life, he wanted to stay like that.

At least until his chest stopped hurting.

#kloktober2023 #kloktober #toki wartooth #skwisgaar skwigelf #skwistok #metalocalypse #my writing #no beta we die like men etc

[totally-not-a-tickle-blog]

Hi can I infodump about Roy and my interpretation w/ him when it comes to coping mechanism regards sexual abuse to you?

Click here to allow me 👇 (long text)

.

To be honest I don't think he'll leave the more ""stereotypical"" type of victim bubble since 1- He's not a big focus in the show and 2- It's quite complicated and I don't know if Sr Pelo and the team would go that deep, but I like to overanalyze things. With that being said:

It feels off for me when he's shown as easily affected whenever his uncle is mentioned. I personally don't see it as HIM.

It's vague and anyone can see it whatever they like, it's 100% fine, but Roy is just... stubborn and ignorant. Those are two of his biggest traits and it's impossible for it not to affect how he deals with that trauma; he already has to deal with arrogant parents (mostly mother), not being himself even if he wants to (what pretty much hurts his natural ego), so being aware that even ANOTHER member of your family took advantage of you in even worst ways is basically a shot straight to the head. He's fighting something already and he'll definitely be in denial with a second one, not to mention that if people actually began to act all "soft" after finding that out IT'D MAKE THINGS WORSE.

It's literally the same as going to someone who wants to be seen as superior and mock him by treating them like a baby. It'll just make him try harder and harder to be taken seriously, including trying to ignore the trauma more and more.

And to be honest, even if he told his parents he'd stay in denial. Carmen and Richard are questionable parents but they're not monsters like some people think they are, they'd offer help and ask him what they want and need to know, but it changes nothing on how they treated him before nor his personality will suddenly change. I also have a lot to talk about his relationship with his parents, but that's for another one if I feel like it.

Now coming back to the beginning, when I mention that he doesn't get triggered when his uncle is the topic, I see it like that because his mind couldn't properly see the uncle as an enemy. He knows that what happened is wrong and that he's an asshole, but I'm talking about something more personal. A poor example for the sensation itself: You eat in a restaurant, and weeks later you find out that the waiter spit in your food. Will you come back? No. Are you also full MAD at him? Also no. You got angry in the first moments, sometimes still do, but you didn't even saw anything wrong with your food back then. You recognized it, but your brain didn't.

Now, when it's the sexual abuse itself, it affects him way more mostly because it makes him feel stupid, paranoid and dare I say disgusted maybe. I admit, that part is mostly me projecting, but it still makes sense in a way. It's more of a internal change instead of an external one (are those the right words?), since the consequences isn't as obvious and explicit if you did recognized the scene as a trauma at the time. You may not be against physical touch, but you may struggle interacting nicely afraid that you'll mess up again. I hope I didn't messed up on that part, or any at all--

ALRIGHT, briefly, Roy don't want sympathy, but he needs empathy, just like his friends are doing. They know what Roy goes through and still won't let him do whatever he wants, don't try babysitting him nor desperately tries to search for help right away like that. He's focused on his parents and can't handle even more trauma right now, and if he does start to try helping himself it'll be when he's older and don't have as much ego as he does now.

Ty for reading and I am SO SO sorry if I said anything shitty, sexual abuse is a topic that I always had some sort of interest on (studying and talking about), so I tend to think about it a lot specially when a hyperfixation is included.

EDIT: Just wanted to add that Roy's anger issues are also a nice response to everything I just said (nice in a "it connects" way, not good), someone as low-tempered as himself wouldn't be able to handle with the pressure of "You need to vent" without "exploding", thinking that his abuse consequently made him weaker and less worth of respect; "That shit just makes everything worse, so it's easier if I just ignore it!"

#I have so many things about him that I wanna talk about but idk if anyone would care #spooky month #spooky month roy #sm roy #S/A #sexualabuse #infodump

[spop-romanticizes-abuse]

I'm not a catra stan-stan and definitely not an apologist but I really like her character. Her redemption arc was botched and it's a shame because she had a really interesting character, and she had perspective on abuse that I'd never seen portrayed before.

I live in a relatively abusive home with (gross generalisation here) me as a scapegoat and my brother as the golden child. I'm not proud of it but i've been abusive like catra (even if not to this extent because ??????? She did reallyfucked up things ?????????). And seeing that on screen, it was freeing in a way, like staring in a really dark mirror, and it felt good to have a character to relate too in this aspect.

And then came the redemption arc 🤡 honestly Catra's point of view is not badly written from what I remember. Like trying your best to be a better person and stop being abusive, but the other person doing something that sets you off and falling back on those patterns on instincts ? I've been there, and it's somewhat nice to have the scene with mealog to relate to for example. Having to take responsibility for your actions and your reactions, but every sorry feels awful and has to be torn out of you because you feel guilty as fuck and you know apologies aren't gonna change anything, and you know there will be other instances when your abusive tendencies will take over despite your best efforts? It was freeing to see those sorts of moments on screen.

But adora shouldn't have forgiven her. The others shouldn't have forgiven her. Maybe they could be forgiven, but not trusted. It doesn't make sense, it's rushed, it's stupid, I hate it. Also catra stops feeling guilty really fucking early for what she's done, like ma'am show a bit more remorse you tried to kill her ? Stop complaining when frosta punches you in the face, it's explainable and you deserve it. In her redemption, she lashed at Adora once or twice, got told it's okay I forgive you please don't do it anymore and suddenly she was "fixed". That's not how it works and it sucks, it hurts, that's not how it works. We never saw a broken catra post redemption, and it lacked.

So, yeah. I'm pissed about her redemption arc, and it's a shame because i really wanted to see it work.

(I didn't even mention catradora because that's not the point but the amatonormativity of it all? You're broken but your true love's kiss has fixed you so it's okay)

this is exactly how i feel too! i didn't start off hating catra because she was a really compelling villain and a scarily accurate version of an abuse victim who started adopting those abusive tendencies themselves. i didn't relate to her entirely but i could definitely relate to some aspects of her, especially her anger that sometimes got best of her.

but it feels like the creators forgot that she was supposed to be redeemed and kept making her do the most heinous things with no remorse, only to remember in s5 that she needs to be redeemed, and shoving a hasty redemption arc where she ultimately does not change at all.

i don't think even catra's perspective was that good because she only changed for adora. she didn't redeem herself because she knew what she was doing was wrong or because she regretted taking part in the war. she did it because she wanted adora back and also because she was of no use to horde prime.

and after getting saved by adora, catra honestly does not try much to actually correct her mistakes. she keeps lashing out at adora and abusing her, she's snarky with the other princesses and keeps falling back into her old habits. and no one ever calls her out for it. healing is not linear, sure, but there should have been someone who would keep catra in check and call her out when she starts acting shitty again.

but no, the only instance of her trying that we got was when she admitted that she was working on her anger issues, and then immediately proceeded to guilt trip adora by saying that adora was giving her a hard time.

catra really had a lot of potential but it's a shame the creators valued a rushed toxic romance more than actual character development and good storytelling.

#spop critical #spop #spop salt #spop criticism #spop discourse #she ra #anti catradora #anti catra #anti spop #anti c//a #antic//a #anticatra #anticatradora

[realityescapee01]

Wounds and Scratches

Steo | Stiles x Theo

Theo came back to the pack house, bloodied and wounded. He just came back from an undercover op for the pack. He was able to capture a rogue omega.

He was stabbed to his stomach, slashed on his arm and cut on his palm. He took the omega back to Scott for interrogation. Afterwards, Scott gave him an order to patrol the tunnels.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Scott! He's hurt, send someone else!" Stiles had enough.

Theo is hurt and Stiles goes off on it.

Theo snarled, he struggled to get on his feet. He just got slammed to a wall by their enemy. He was in pain but he was still able to distract the enemy enough for Stiles to lay the mountain ash prison around it.

"Good job, guys."

Scott and them went back to the pack house. Stiles watched Theo bend over a bit, holding his tummy and has a pained expression on his bloody face. Dried up blood from his forehead. Busted lips and a sprained ankle.

Stiles thought back at the bad things Theo did to him and the pack. That is why Stiles thought Theo deserves all the beatings he's taking.

Scott decided to take in Theo despite everything he did. Scott being the kind and giving person he is. Stiles was against it. He doesn't want Theo in. But Scott insisted they could use Theo's skills.

What skills? The manipulative skills? The cunning, the smarts, deceptive skills? Well, yeah, those are useful. Stiles begrudgingly admitted.

So here is Theo in their pack. Being used as a scout, a spy, and first liner. Scott always sends him in first, first to whatever danger they're facing.

It's strange to Stiles because Theo wouldn't put up with those, but seeing as Theo was indeed putting up with all of it, maybe, Theo is doing everything to be better now, to be good, to make up to them, to make up for everything he's done.

Stiles heard all about it from Liam. Theo's redemption arc. Stiles wasn't buying it at first but later on, he started to believe too.

Or maybe the courting of Theo is affecting his judgement.

Oh, yeah, Theo is courting Stiles.

For about 2 months now. At first, Stiles is just playing Theo, but things got shitty for him and he genuinely needed Theo's help.

Like when he's jeep broke down. Theo drove him to and from his FBI internship. Every weekend, when he comes home and goes back to the FBI classes.

The long drives gave them a lot of time with each other. And Stiles found himself enjoying those times.

Stiles found himself chatting and calling Theo at nights after classes too. Sometimes while Theo was in tunnel patrol. To discuss and bounce off ideas from his homeworks of cases; murder mysteries and investigations. And Theo gave him very good insights every time.

Maybe because Theo is one little psycho himself that is why he understands how those criminals think. Stiles laughed on the idea. He is like those FBI agents having a serial killer to talk to and consult cases about.

-+-+-+-

Theo calls him, all wounds and injuries healed up. He is driving Stiles home. Stiles jogs to Theo's truck and they go and get drive thru food. Stiles ask if Theo's okay. He looked hurt really bad.

He's got bandage on his hand. Again.

"What happened there?"

"Oh, I got cut. And I keep getting cut there so it's getting harder and harder to heal." -Theo explaining, trying not to put pressure on it too much while driving.

"I'm fine, Stiles."

Stiles have an idea of what happened. Having seen how hard Scott is using Theo out there. Then he received a chat from Scott to remind Theo about his underground tunnel rounds later tonight. Stiles felt irritated. Theo just recovered and now Scott is on him again with the errands.

-Isn't Liam on tunnel patrol tonight?- Stiles replied to Scott.

-I'm taking Liam with us in the talks. Where are you guys now? Will you be here in an hour?-

-Yeah, we're close. Keep Liam on patrol, let's bring Theo in the meeting-

-Why Theo?-

-It's decided. Just wait for us.-

They are to meet with the new group in town. Invite them to join forces or discuss terms on co-existing in Beacon Hills.

Scott met up with Theo and Stiles on the way to meet the werejaguars. They learned they're all female, a small group of 5. The talks start. Stiles let Scott do his thing while he observed.

"... We don't wanna join forces, we do not wanna stay near the Nemeton, which is basically a signal light to all hunters. Just let us be for a few days, I promise we won't cause trouble."

Their leader explained. Scott huddled with Stiles and Theo.

"I don't know about you, but werejaguars are highly aggressive." -Theo muttered.

"I agree." -Stiles nodded, remembering a certain Kate Argent.

"Yeah, I think so too. I will ask them to leave by dawn. Liam and the others can stay here to watch them until then" -Scott relayed the decision to the group leader. There were some friction but Scott brandishing his alpha status made the leader back down.

"Okay... but... we will only leave if he comes with us."

"What?" -Scott didn't expect a request.

"Him."

"No way." -Stiles strongly disagreed.

The group leader was pointing at Theo. "At least give us some protection. A capable mate for me."

Theo just scoffed. "I'm not up for mating."

"That or we stay as long as we like."

"... How about this." -Stiles proposed. "The real reason you're here is because you're all sick. You plan to steal our herb reserve. Preferably tonight because you know our resident doctor wouldn't be home."

The gang leader took a defensive stance.

"Okay, I'll give you a generous amount of 9 herbs and then you leave tonight. No taking Theo with you."

"What if I don't agree?"

"Well... you have to deal with a true alpha." -Stiles turned his head to Scott, who was half shifted by now.

"It was said this place and your pack is sanctuary to all supernatural beings!"

"Not if you threaten to take anyone away." -Scott said with a growl.

The group leader knew there is no way they'd win. "Fine. Get me the herbs."

After Scott's new recruits arrived with the herbs, the werejaguars left. But their leader really likes Theo, and as she passed him by, she said:

"We'll be 2 towns over, if you change your mind." -plus a hand, slowly gliding down Theo's muscular arm.

"I have my eyes set on someone else." -Theo shrugged the leader's hand away from him.

Theo watched the group leave and looked at Stiles. Having a renewed faith on a chance.

A chance that Stiles actually likes him back. With the human getting all no-way-you're-taking-Theo upset a while ago.

After that, Scott still wanted to send Theo on tunnel patrol duty but Stiles said Theo's driving him home even before Scott got the chance to say it. And so Theo drove Stiles home.

"Hey, Theo. If you like, you can stay here. Liam could use the tunnel patrol experience." -Stiles invited him to stay there to avoid the patrol task.

And Theo did. They went up to Stiles' room and Theo acting all strange.

"Hey? What's the matter?" -Stiles just went about the room as normal.

"...This is the first time for me. Here, in your room."

"What?!? You've never been here?" -Stiles remembered all the pack members whose been in his room. And yeah, this is Theo's first time to be here. "Well, there's a first to everything. You never know, you might be coming here more often in the future."

"W-What?" -Theo didn't expect that.

"Nothing! Nothing." -Stiles blushed. He was just being playful, flirty if you will. Because it's true, if he decides to answer Theo, then definitely, Theo would be in his room more often.

Theo was smirking and shaking his head, thinking of a comeback, but that caught him so off guard that he couldn't come up with one.

"Uhm, I'm gonna head to bed. By the way, use this on your wounds." -Stiles threw him a poultice Deaton taught him to make. Something to make the wounds stay clean for a longer time.

Theo caught it and sat on the chair by the window. He took the gauze off his hand and tended to it. He lifted his shirt and applied the poultice to random cuts on his torso.

Stiles just watched him. He memorized all the spots Theo has wounds and scratches and bruises.

"Well, uhm, Theo, I'm tired, I'll go to sleep, stay as long as you like." -Stiles headed to bed.

As he laid down, he smiled to himself on how things turned. Before, he couldn't stand Theo, but now he can sleep in the same room with Theo present.

The next day, Stiles woke up and Theo was gone, left a message of thanks and that he headed to school.

Theo goes to school on weekends, in a special program to make up for the lost time when he was dragged to hell; and once made, he can go back to school to continue his last sem of senior year.

Stiles thought to give Theo a visit.

He finds him on the lacrosse field. Coach Finstock recruited him.

Theo sensed Stiles and looked at his direction. Stiles waved.

"Bilinski!" -Coach Finstock intercepted him. "What are you doing here?"

"I missed you, coach!" - Stiles attempted to give coach a kiss.

"Ugh!" -Coach Finstock stopped him with a hand to his face.

Stiles knew that way, coach would leave him alone. Theo jogged towards him.

"Hey." -Theo in lacrosse practice uniform.

"You joined?" -Stiles sat in the bleachers.

"Yeah." -Theo stood right in front of him.

"I never knew you like sports. Sports aside from hunting and killing."

Theo laughed at that. "Just to release some aggression."

Stiles just nodded. He looked at the other players. He remembered his lacrosse days back then. And that winning shot he got. It was the fun days. Way before the shit hit the fan.

Stiles stayed to watch Theo practice with the team. He decided to stay even after and play with Theo a bit.

"Fine! But make sure you tidy up the things!" -Coach Finstock let them stay.

"Want a serious match or just for fun match, Stiles?"

"Just for fun." -Stiles gripped the lacrosse stick.

"Okay." -Theo smirked and threw the ball right past Stiles' left shoulder and into the goal.

"Ha! For fun, I said! Not for the Olympics or something!"

Theo laughed. They change places. It's now Theo's time to be goalie.

"Theo, no superpowers!" -Stiles was gearing up for a shot.

"Okay."

Stiles kept licking his lips and aiming and aiming for the goal before actually taking the shot. And of course, Theo caught it. Stiles was mad accusing him of using chimera powers but Theo didn't. Stiles is just really not good at it.

"Okay, that's it. I don't wanna play anymore!" -Stiles throwing the stick down.

"I didn't use supernatural powers, Stiles. You're just really bad at it."

"Just- Forget it!" -Stiles waving his hand off.

Stiles waited for Theo in the lockers. He looked at the seat where they confronted Theo. And where he said: "I came back for you." Stiles didn't really know the gravity of those words.

Theo wanted him. From day one. And there he is right now, feeling the same. He wants Theo now.

He turned his attention to the sound from the showers.

Theo is in there. Naked.

Stiles felt a little panic and stepped out of the lockers. A few minutes after, Theo stepped out too.

"Stiles, are you okay? I smelled panic."

"I'm fine. Let's get outta here." -Stiles walked away. Fast. He wanted to answer Theo but Theo is not asking him the question yet.

"Drop me by the tunnel entrance. I'm on patrol." -Theo said, settling in the passenger seat of the jeep.

"Oh. Okay."

"Stiles? Tomorrow, will you go out with me?"

"Oh? Where are you taking me?" -Stiles smiled. Theo courting him, does this quite a lot, take him on dates.

"It's a surprise." -Theo was smiling.

"You know my anxiety, I don't like surprises."

"I know. But you'll love this."

Stiles agreed. And so their date was set.

The following week, Stiles gradually calling out Scott for using Theo too much. Scott took the use and abuse too seriously.

Stiles would lightly tell Scott to give Theo a few minutes or hours before being sent for work again. Sometimes they'd be out, hanging out, and Stiles would tell Scott to let Liam do the patrols. The kid needs that experience somehow.

Their date night arrived. Theo was driving them in his truck when Scott called. An emergency.

Theo sighed. "I guess date night is cancelled."

"Apparently so." -Stiles confirmed as he gestured for Theo to make that U-turn.

They were called towards the Nemeton and they saw Scott and Liam, shifted, chasing after their enemy of the week. The werejaguar leader came back.

"I warned you." -Scott intimidating the werejaguar. "Why are you back?"

"Nothing much... just some petty reason." -she spotted Theo and Stiles running over to them.

Liam lunged at her but missed. She charged towards Stiles and Theo.

Theo was fully prepared to intercept her but she made a sharp and quick turn towards Stiles.

They rolled over the ground. Stiles tried to wrestle her off but to no avail. She pushed Stiles over the cliff.

"Holy sh-" - Stiles couldn't do anything.

He was falling off the cliff. He could only hold his hand up, hoping to be saved.

"Stiles!" -Theo jumped after him.

Theo caught him and held onto exposed vines on the cliff.

"Tch!" -Theo exclaimed as the vine rope burned through the bandage on his hand. And brutally so onto the wound there. Making it bleed again.

They slid for a little bit more before finally getting caught on bigger vines, stopping them from falling.

Back at the top, Scott and Liam were trying the werejaguar to a tree and then hurrying to help Theo and Stiles. Lowering down a rope to get them back up.

"Stiles! Oh man!" -Scott pulled Stiles into a tight hug once the two was saved. "I was so worried!"

"I was too." -Stiles hugged him as tight, looking at Theo, nodding him a thank you.

They subdued the werejaguar leader, and as agreed -Scott will try to talk to the supernatural beings walking into Beacon Hills, with the goal of peace, and when it is not achieved, the hunters will take care of it- Scott called Chris Argent to deal with the werejaguar.

As they were walking, Scott was going on about checking the old werejaguar hideout before calling it a day.

And Scott wanted to send Theo and Liam.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Scott! He's hurt, send someone else!" Stiles went off.

"O-Okay. Me and Liam would go." -Scott conceded. He felt guilty afterwards, he never checked on Theo. And now only saw Theo's hand. "Sorry, Theo."

"Yeah. Apology accepted." -Theo soothing his wounded palm.

They parted ways. Scott and Liam towards the hideout and Stiles and Theo towards Theo's jeep.

Stiles applied poultice on Theo's palm. "Thanks. A lot."

"No problem. As if I would just let you die on me right there. You owe me a date."

"Well... our sched just freed up."

---

And so, they revisited their original schedule for tonight. The date:

"W-What the-" -Stiles was greeted by tiny lights floating in some enclosure far from the reserve. "What is this? I've never... there were no fireflies in Beacon Hills. Ever!"

"There are now." -Theo watched him enjoy the view.

There were so many. Flying, floating, near the trees too... it looked magical.

"Since when? How?" -Stiles wanted to get to the bottom of this.

"I don't know. Must be a Nemeton thing. Again."

Stiles wanted to ask questions again, but the view was so beautiful, he just accepted that explanation. The Nemeton does make and affect all sorts of stuff.

"Stiles? Can I ask the questions now?"

"Sure." -Stiles waved his hand, eyes fixed on the sea of fireflies in front of them.

"Will you... be my mate?"

"..." -Stiles blinked. A lot of times.

"Stiles?" -Theo was concerned.

Stiles looked back at him. The fireflies are near them now, surrounding them. Making Theo have the background of little lights floating.

Beautiful.

"Yes." -Stiles said.

Theo smiled, ear to ear.

"I was waiting for you to ask that." -Stiles revealed.

"I was waiting for you to be sure." -Theo walked slowly towards Stiles.

Reached for Stiles' waist and pulled him into a kiss.

-+-+-+ (complete) +-+-+-

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#steo #theo raeken #imagine #stiles #teen wolf #theo #theo x stiles #stiles x theo #theo raeken x stiles stilinski #caring #helping #tending #steoday #fighting for love

[deanoheartspie]

SOMETHING RED 3

Pairings: Reader x Soldier Boy (Ben)

Warnings: Narcissistic Ben

Summary: you knew soldier boy since you were young until the man had gotten tested he had become a whole different person. So when he comes back after Crimson and other supes send him away, it makes him angry

A/n: Y/n/n (your nickname)

“We need your help.*” Butcher started as he stood right in front of you, while he stared at soldier boy.

The green-eyed man rose a brow and tilted his head, Letting out a snort. “What could you possibly need my help for?” he asked turning out to light his cigarette knowing you hated the smell of smoke.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•

Next thing you knew, you were sitting in a crappy motel Ben stuffing his mouth with a burger that Hughie had gotten him.

“Slow down. It's not going to disappear.” You move the burger away, so he could take a second to breathe. “Why don't you suck my dick, oh wait you did that” he grumbled snatching his burger back, and stuffing his face with a little grin.

Sighing knowing you wouldn't win, you plop down on the couch while Hughie just stared at Ben. “Does he just sit there and stare?” Soldier boy asks as he stares right back at the man.

“I- no. I have a question.” Hughie finally speaks, as he starts to munch on his box of fries. “What happened... Between your friends and you? There had to be a reason for them to want to lock you away like that”

You peek your head up curiously, as you stared at the man you knew pretty your whole life, Ben wasn't always like this well not to you he wasn't. After he was tested he had never been the same, He used to care and was kind but now he was a selfish asshole who only cared about himself.

“I was a good friend and they tossed me away like nothing. I'm not a bad guy.” You couldn't help but burst out laughing at his statement God he was so damn delusional, Ben looks over at you with a frown like you did something to upset him.

“Did you ever stop and think why they tossed you away in the first place? God, I love you but you are a Selfish narcissistic asshole sometimes” You would have never been able to just cold sell him off as his so-called friends did, but you had to admit it had to take a lot of balls.

Ben pushed his chair back and stood up, walking towards you he was beyond pissed off. “You wanna go down that lane Y/n? I have plenty of bullshit to talk about.”

Thankfully before you said anything else, Hughie separated the two of you. “Why don't we all just calm down and enjoy our burgers before butcher makes us work”

Distracting yourself by coloring in your notebook with a low hum, trying to forget the whole world and all the craziness that came with it. Feeling someone stare at you, you peek your head up seeing the green eyes quickly duck dart away.

“I didn't know you still draw...”

“I never stopped, you were always too obsessed with yourself to even care after everything changed.” You softly whispered, remembering the year he found out and bought you everything he could find at the store, with a charming smile on his face. Those were the good ole days when he did care, but now he was a selfish asshole, and you were starting to feel like you lost the greatest man in the world due to some Lab testing.

“Y/n/n... I didn't mean to hurt you” Ben muttered as he was barely able to hold any eye contact with you

“Sure you didn't. The first thing you said to me was that I was always the second choice. So cut the bullshit, Ben, and by the way, you suck at lying” There was no way you were going to accept that shitty apology, not after what he put you through.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

Part 4

#jensen ackles #soldier boy x reader #the boys #soldier boy x female reader #soldier boy #soldier boy imagine #soldier boy x y/n #soldier boy oneshot

[all-fandoms-rise]

It's Just Different

Katsuki Bakugou x Reader

Summary: Sometimes nothing hurts more than falling out of love.

Word Count: 1813

A/N: It's just angst I'm sorry :( The words in italics are past situations or conversations. Also it's not talked about in the story the readers quirk is similar to Shinsou where if they get another person to answer to them they control what they do but also get them to admit the truth. Lemme know how you feel about the writing <3

As a Pro hero you know better than anyone that there's bad days, but today has by far been the worst one… coming to terms that the love of your life had fallen out of love with you and you had fallen out of love with him.

Six years ago you fell in love with Katsuki Bakugou and his spitfire personality when you were students at UA, he didn’t treat you differently than everyone else you simply knew how to accept him for who he was and he admired that even though you could easily take down all of UA with your powers that you never would, you were the definition of a hero and that's how he grew to love you, this was the person you not only grew with as a partner in life but in work. He grew in the rankings until soon enough he was in fact the #1 hero while you were #3 hero, shortly after he had gotten his number one hero ranking the two of you got married for sure that the two of you would spend the rest of your lives together, just two young dumb kids ready to take on the world together.. but that's not realistic is it.

Three years have passed and now instead of shared laughter and passionate kisses, its chest tightening frustrations and yelling at one another till your throats are raw. Now you lay here by yourself waiting for your husband again knowing he wouldn’t be home until it was nearly time for him to leave again. You can't stop this feeling of pain in your chest when you know it’s finally time to let go, at the end of the day you know that you love him more than any words can describe but just because you love someone it isn’t and will never be a good enough reason to stay in an unfixable relationship. As you lay here you think about everything that has led up to this moment because no one knew what went behind closed doors between you and bakugou as you were both very private people except for one person, the one person that was the start of all your problems. Izuku fucking Midoriya. 

Izuku Midoriya was in class with 1a with you and bakugou and to everyone else they would swear that bakugou hated Midoriya more than any other living thing on the planet but you could see through his facade he did care about him, even though you’d have to near kill him before he ever admitted it. Of course you knew bakugou cared about you but sometimes you couldn't stop the pang of jealousy you felt when he would ditch you to train with midoriya so that he could “beat that damn deku and prove he’ll become the #1 hero”, but anytime these feelings occurred you’d be reassured by the sweet moments that you could never forget. 

“Come on seriously y/n why do you look like that” bakugou asked as you two continue to sit there after everyone else had piled out of the classroom.

“I don’t know bakugou I just do” as the words left your mouth he really knew you were upset about something because he couldn’t even remember the last time you had called him by his last name.

“y/n i’m not an idiot just tell me what’s wrong so i can go train some more against shitty deku” he says and he can hear the sigh of frustration leave you. 

“That’s exactly it.. You keep ditching me to go train against midoriya. Do you know how that makes me feel huh? It makes me feel like shit I understand wanting to be a better hero. We all want that, I just want you to care about me the same way” you manage to whisper out before finally deciding to walk away. As you get to the door bakugou grabs your arm stopping you before you can leave, 

“You think I don't care about you dummy? That’s why I'm training so hard I wanna be the best for you so we can kick all the villains ass together. I love you y/n”. That was the first time Katsuki Bakugou had told you he loved you and you had never been happier even in that cheesy moment. 

You smiled thinking about those days, even though there were a lot of hard times especially with villain attacks and still trying to figure out how to use your power to its full potential, you managed to still find moments of light and happiness within Katsuki Bakugou. Even after you had graduated UA and gotten married things had been adventurous and fun with bakugou that was until about after a year and a half of being married the both of your work loads had increased and since the two of you had worked at different companies that meant you had been seeing less of each other.

That’s when it all started: the phone calls at night saying they’d be late coming home because they had to work on paperwork with midoriya or late night watches around the town. You couldn’t lie to yourself after months of the same phone call that eventually just became a short text. You felt like that small, fragile girl that you were in high school and you definitely weren’t her anymore, then you remember the day that had started all of your future fights. You had just gotten off patrol with your partner charge bolt or otherwise known as denki kaminari, you were about to be back to your headquarters when you had seen them. Bakugou and Midoriya were getting ready to start their patrol but that wasn’t the problem, the problem was the way bakugou was looking at midoriya and vice versa the look he used to give you. The look in his eyes that you had been craving and begging for months but now it was given to someone else and you couldn’t stop the hurt you felt, but you knew he loved you so maybe you were wrong it was nothing.

Yet you still let those feelings grow and the hurt turned into anger so several nights later when bakugou had come home from his shift he had noticed your silence which was strange from you. The silence was deafening before you had finally decided to speak: 

“Do you love me?” You remember as the words had left your mouth, Katsuki had looked at you as if you had three heads. 

“What the hell are you going on about of course I do” even as he said those words there was something you had to ask. 

“Even more than Midoriya” You could see as his face turned red with anger and right then would be the start of all your future arguments. 

“Why in the actual fuck would you ever think I like much less love that shitty deku, seriously y/n your delusional” he yells getting closer and closer to you until your eventually cornered against the wall. And as the words leave your mouth, you can’t help as your voice breaks:

“Because I see the way you look at him, it’s the same way I've been praying you’d look at me like again for months now” Tears were now streaming down the both of your faces as apologies were said.This began the cycle of kiss and make up, avoid the topic like it was the plague, pretend like we weren’t both hurting , that is until the hurt turns into anger and then we repeat.

You can’t stop the tears that roll down your face as you think of everything that has happened, it's now well past 2am when you hear the front door open. For a split second you can't stop the rapid beating of your heart, you knew this moment was coming but you weren’t ready for it.. Not yet, you weren’t ready to face reality, ready to face the worst moment that's probably ever gonna happen to you, ready to face losing the man you had planned your whole life with.

But this time you were done fighting, you don’t want to grow to hate him and if you continue doing this you know that soon enough you will. Bakugou comes into the room expecting to see you asleep like normal except this time you were sitting in your shared bed, tears staining your face. He comes and sits next to you wiping the tears off your cheeks, 

“What's wrong babe” he whispers as he sees the pain lurking behind your eyes. 

“I think you know Katuski..we can’t keep doing this, it’s just gonna hurt us more” as your words settle he knows that you’re serious. This is the first time you’d called him Katuski in who knows how long and oh how he had missed that one simple name leaving your lips but it's too late now even if he was ignoring some of his other feelings he still loved you it was just different he didn’t know how to explain it but either way he was just gonna deny your words. 

“No y/n I love you, I need you” his voice cracks. 

“Not more than you love him tho Katsuki, and if you love someone else then fine even if its killing me on the inside to say outloud but I would rather do this than stay here and keep breaking inside more… I can’t do it. I know you love me but it’s not in the way you used to and you just don’t know how to accept that….so please just say you love him so we can both move on please….” Once again the silence is louder than any screams you had targeted towards one another. 

“Please don't make me y/n, it’s not true” he sobs, even though he knows no matter how many times he tries to deny he knows your words are the truth. 

“I'll use my quirk if I need to and get you to admit it Katsuki, I need this I want to move on please” he knows that if you use your quirk all of the truth will come out and he can't accept it he's not ready to talk about everything so he just mutters the words that you both have known as reality for over a year now 

“I’m in love with midoriya”.

In that moment time had officially stopped and reality had crashed down on the both of you. You were no longer the two 17 year olds running around UA hopelessly in love with their life planned ahead of them. Now you were the two that had fallen out of love and had to move forward with their lives, no matter how much hurt it was causing because you both needed to heal just not with each other. 

#angst #anime #popular anime #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #bakugo katuski #bakugo x reader #bakugou angst #katsukibakugou #midoriya izuku #bakugou x deku #mha bakugou #bakugo x you #so much hurt #i'm sad #pro hero dynamight #bakugo smut #oneshot

[and-stir-the-stars]

thinking about. saffron henry. does he realize how badly he fucked up? what would the boys' reactions be if he reappeared? does jem know about him? also, is he like. healing his own trauma from charlie n everything or is he just. melting

also. unrelated. does mike ever feel like he should be less fucked up because evan's trauma is just so extreme that he compares it? does evan ever feel like others shouldn't be so traumatized bc of his frame of reference?

(Answered the first half of this ask here)

These are awesome awesome questions about the extent of and response to the trauma Ev and Mike went thru, thank you for asking!

does mike ever feel like he should be less fucked up because evan's trauma is just so extreme that he compares it?

Yes. Mike has a lot of guilt over the fact that HE was able to escape and form a life of his own when Evan so clearly wasn't.

This is probably a problem Mike had even before finding out what happened to Evan, actually. Mike has spent some time listening to other runaways stories, hearing how bad other people had it, and he would have compared himself to their stories and found the abuse he faced 'lacking' because Mike is just. Deep down, he's just a kid who wants to be loved, and he wants to be loved by his father, so even though he knows he's been abused by William, a part of him still can't help but think "maybe it wasn't actually that bad" "maybe i just did stupid stuff to make him angry and if i just stopped, things would get better" "maybe I'm just weak and shouldn't be hurt by the stuff he did".

And this tendency to like. Downplay everything he went through affects his reaction to what Evan went through. Not in that he downplays what Ev went through (he doesn't), but it makes Mike downplay his own trauma.

There's a lot of nights when Mike roams listlessly through the house, hating himself for not being able to sleep. Because what problems does he REALLY have?? Yeah William hurt him sometimes and shitty things happened to him after he ran away, but some voice in his head snaps that at least he got out! Usually when Mike can't sleep, he goes on drives in his VW bus to calm his nerves, but in this case, he refuses to let himself do that as punishment for "being so freaked out over nothing". He probably does this refusing-to-let-himself-be-comforted and pushing-himself-past-his-limits thing because he thinks what he went through "wasn't that bad" a lot. It's something he has to work on in therapy.

It also doesn't help that Mike feels obligated to be Put Together for Evan’s sake; it def makes Mike's downplaying/hiding/refusing to acknowledge what he went through thing worse. But that's the good thing about Evan's arc where he realizes Mike is his own person who went through a lot of trauma of his own; it makes Mike acknowledge some of the shit he went through and actually WORK through it, too. It is it's own kind of validation and relief for someone close to you to look at what you went through and admit "it's shitty that that happened to you, and I wish it hadn't."

does evan ever feel like others shouldn't be so traumatized bc of his frame of reference?

mmmm, kinda?

Evan's sense of empathy is complicated, especially when he's put in Mike’s custody; he's still mad at Mike for everything that happened between them. He still thinks of Mike as this big, scary, untouchable monster. Of course an invincible monster like that couldn't ever be hurt by anything.

Then, Mike keeps trying to treat Ev with kindness and sympathy instead of being cruel and monstrous. At this point, the times when Ev sees Mike flinch away from touch or flinching from Ev yelling at him or from the smell of cigarette smoke on Ev's clothes, or the times when Mike gets sent into a panic attack, are all met with confusion and a level of self-satisfaction. He doesn't know why these things are having such an impact on Michael, but it's satisfying to see that the monster that hurt him so bad can be made hurt and vulnerable after all-- especially since Evan takes this as proof that William chose Evan over Mike as his successor because he believed Evan was Stronger. Evan starts to understand that Mike can be hurt, but does not empathize with Mike over this understanding just yet.

But I don't think Evan would have the thought "why should Mike be traumatized over xyz thing when I had to deal with abc" because Evan hasn't been thinking about what William did to him as something traumatic. That doesn't come until later. He thought what William was doing was normal & good. The time Evan has spent in psychiatric facilities has taught him that the murder/using violence to make yourself feel better thing isn't normal, but Evan hasn't gotten over the barrier of thinking that it made him Stronger-- that it was a good thing even if it wasn't Normal.

It's not until Ev realizes that William was using him, didn't care, and wasn't trying to help Ev that that particular barrier finally comes crashing down for Evan.

It's not long after that that Evan has his "oh, Mike is a real person with his own trauma" revelation.

During the time between Ev realizing that William was so horrifically abusive and having his realization about Mike’s trauma, I think it's possible that Ev would lash out in ways that come across as "why should you be traumatized by xyz thing", because Ev has so much pain and confusion around the idea that Mike just left him there with William. YOU got out and I didn't, I was the one stuck there because YOU left me there, so what exactly do you have to freak out over? You chose the new life you ran away for.

But I think this fades once Ev has his Realization about Mike’s past. Because the Realization makes him understand that Mike didn't choose any of this, either.

so, this brings me to how your question applies to Evan when he's actually had a chance to start healing.

Evan’s definitely had his sense of empathy stunted and repressed as a result of his trauma, so it's hard for him to understand what other people are thinking or feeling. But I don't think this translates to him thinking other people SHOULDN'T be traumatized (as much sense as that as a trauma response would make for someone who has been thru what Evan has) so much as Evan not understanding that someone IS traumatized by something, and later, WHY they would be traumatized by it.

But Evan is a naturally empathetic person, and a naturally curious kid. So i think his response to finally understanding that the reason someone is acting weird is because they're upset by something, it would manifest as curiosity since his empathy has been so fried. He doesn't understand other people's trauma, but I think he'd be curious to understand the why's and how's of other people’s trauma. Why are you upset. What about this specific scenario is sparking this reaction. What specifically does it make you feel. Why aren't you acting like you normally do. How do i stop this from happening again.

His attempts to Understand come across as... maybe not clinical, exactly, but definitely as insensitive.

Like, when Evan learns that Jeremy is still fucked up about their (singular) little sister dying when they were younger, Evan’s brain is like. MY sister went missing (he knows how Liz died but repressed it) and my brother used her disappearance as an excuse to torture me. In Evan’s mind, what he went through is Worse than what Jeremy went through, but he's not being judgemental as is implied in the question "why should you be traumatized", he's just genuinely Trying To Understand "why was that so upsetting for you when it could have been worse?" Once he finally realizes that someone is upset about something, he struggles to understand WHY, and he accidentally comes across as insensitive.

I don't think it's emotional so much as physical pain that would elicit that kind of "why should you be upset when xyz traumatic thing could have happened instead?" response. Evan has been trained to be less responsive to physical pain by this point, as in is less responsive to being in pain himself and seeing others in pain. If he were to see someone get visibly upset from stubbing a toe or scraping a knee or getting cut/scratched, he'd just look on in utter confusion. Evan has seen people--kids-- be physically ripped apart. William and younger Mike both did things to him that could low key be classified as torture. I think the part of his brain repsonsible for registering physical pain is always gonna be a little fucked up.

#I wish i could talk more about Evan's empathy in the time after the arrest but before being put in Mike's custody #During the time when he would have been in psych facilities #But i don't really know what that would be like. #If he was allowed to be around other (non psychologist) people and he heard about other people's trauma during that time? #He'd probably just be desensitized to it? #He'd listen to it w the same emotional reaction you'd have to listening to someone make boring small talk about the weather #If he cares at all it's only to throw other people's trauma in the psychologists' faces #''You can't tell me xyz thing isnt normal when this other patient went through it too. You don't know what ur talking about.'' #saffron pawn au #evan afton #evan afton support center #michael afton #tw child abuse #tw body horror

[magniloquent-raven]

Nancy Wheeler is Aromantic, You Cannot Change my Mind

Am I aware what the Duffers were actually trying to do with her characterization/arc? Yes. Do I care? No. This reading is way more fun for me because I love projecting lmao, so here we go.

The first two seasons of Stranger Things spent a lot of time telling us that Nancy was in the midst of an internal conflict. She's a teenager, she's figuring out who she is. Ostensibly, her choice is between conforming, dating the popular guy who makes her do things like, gasp, drink beer and go to parties, or not caring what other people think, dating the guy she has more in common with even though he's not "socially acceptable." People are constantly telling her that she isn't herself around Steve. That she's changing in order to be with him. She's lying to herself.

But that choice between popular guy and outcast loser goes out the window when Steve throws away everything to be with her. He ditches his friends, he gets replaced. He's now also the target of harassment by "popular kids." So what exactly is Nancy hiding from here. What is safer about choosing Steve.

Well.

She has to tell herself that she loves Steve, that she always did, because if she didn't then she gave up her virginity for shallow reasons. She slept with someone just because she liked how he looked. Like a slut.

She was always terrified of being seen this way, she was scared Steve would tell people they slept together, and despite how little interest she had in being around Steve after they had sex, she was scared to admit to herself that she'd already gotten everything she wanted from him. So she tried to make it work, and ultimately it hurt both of them.

(And can I just say, as an aromantic person, it is sometimes very difficult to conceptualize what romance is like for other people. I genuinely think Nancy had no idea how much Steve cared about her, and she wasn't thinking about how much she hurt him because it's just not something she understands. I speak from experience, breaking up with people who are way more invested in your relationship that you ever could be is...really difficult and weird.)

So, when her choice is no longer between being accepted in a high school popularity hierarchy or not, it becomes more about her conforming to societal standards or not. Does she choose the guy who wants to settle down and have kids and the whole white picket fence thing or...what. What exactly is different about Jonathan. He once said "screw that" to the idea of starting a nuclear family in some suburb?

I think what's different about Jonathan is that he's not constantly telling her he loves her. Steve seemed to say it...often. Just. Out of the blue. He liked to verbalize it, and he wanted her to do the same. Correct me if I'm wrong but Jonathan and Nancy have never once exchanged on-screen "I love you"s, as far as I can remember. Yeah they have their "that's why I love them" speeches in s4 but that's not the same. Loving someone isn't the same as wanting to be romantic with them. It's about expectations, and Jonathan's seem to be very different than Steve's were.

And while we're on the topic of expectations, I think the fact that her parents never loved each other really doesn't help when it comes to her difficulty figuring out what she wants and why. She explicitly said she doesn't want her life to be like that, she's seen it and she's come to expect unhappiness in a relationship with no romantic attachment.

So she tries her hardest to find something real. Something different. She likes spending time with Steve, she's attracted to Steve, and he definitely loves her, so maybe this is her opportunity to build a life better than her mother's. Except it just doesn't feel right. She likes kissing him but when he wants to date her, when he tries to communicate feelings, it makes her uncomfortable. And she feels shitty about it, it feels shitty when someone is being nice to you but you kind of hate it. But she already slept with him, so she feels obligated to make it work. Only that implodes, because of course it does.

Then she self-sabotages with Jonathan too. She ignores his feelings when she wants to chase a lead in s3. She basically forgets she has a boyfriend when she starts to notice that Steve's still hot in s4. And then she doesn't talk to Jonathan at the end of the season, about anything. There's no conversation about how distant they've been. I don't know exactly what direction this is going to go in s5 but the way I see it right now, she's realizing that despite being more comfortable with Jonathan she's just not built to be in a relationship like this.

She keeps choosing to be in relationships though. Choosing to date Steve when Jonathan was preoccupied taking care of Will at the end of s1. And again, choosing to toe the line with Steve in s4 when Jonathan's not around. And obviously there's societal pressure for a teenage girl to care about romance, she's been conditioned to think this shit should matter, but also. More importantly:

She's traumatized.

This was after her first real encounter with a demogorgon, it stands to reason that being hounded by this shit for years wouldn't make her less traumatized, especially since she's prone to bottling up her feelings.

In my personal opinion, Nancy is so intent on being in relationships in part because she has a hard time being by herself, especially at night. She couldn't wait a couple months for Jonathan to come talk to her about their relationship because that meant she was spending a couple months sleeping alone. We see in s3 that she sleeps over at Jonathan's, and the way the Joyce completely fails to act surprised by the lipstick on Jonathan's cheek—even though Nancy supposedly snuck in and out—kind of implies she does this often.

The long and the short of it is, I don't see her endless relationship drama as evidence that she's indecisive or flighty, I think she's aromantic and has no idea. She's trying to deal with her conflicting self-image. When we first meet her she has this idea of herself as some rule-following good girl, not the kind of girl who sleeps around, not the kind of girl who has impure thoughts and breaks people's hearts. She's not a slut, so she must love the guys she sleeps with. She's not her mother, so she must love the person she dates. She doesn't have any other frame of reference for love and relationships, so she keeps screwing up because she's trying to force herself into boxes she'll never fit.

---

shoutout to @thinger-strang ty for showing interest 😭💕💕 here's an essay lmao

#nancy wheeler #stranger things #aro headcanons #aro nancy #aromantism #is this coherent? who knows. i have a lot of overlapping thoughts about a lot of things about her character #and tryna get them all down in an organized fashion is uhhh #hard lol

[ficreadergirl]

Drabble

You were trying to finish your final project for college in the kitchen while eating snacks when you heard someone was trying to enter your apartment through your bedroom window in the middle of the night. You were so shocked and couldn't move. Intruder was trying to be silent but you were deadsilent so you could hear almost every movement of this person. You wanted so bad your bestie to be there and stop this madness. But he wasn't and you couldn't call him because you left your phone in your bedroom where the stranger just got in. You wanted to do something like holding something to hit the stranger when he came in kitchen so you quietly go to the counter where all your knives and pans are. When you finally choose your weapon, stranger burst into kitchen and you started to throw anything you got to him. Wait, him... He was Jason, your bestie, holding your favourite chocolate brand's package in his hands and were trying so hard not to drop it while trying to avoid kitchen stuff you throw at him.

He said "Hey buddy what are you doing?" and you answered "What am I doing? Why would you not to knock on my door?"

He said "How could I use the door when I'm wearing this?"

He was right. He was in his red hood suit and you just realised that.

"I freaked out you idiot! You could call or something..."

He realised how pale you were and shiver. He came closer to you and hugged you. You felt relief and anger at the same moment. He was really idiot, damn boy! You relaxed after seconds he hugged you because you really liked him even how idiot he was sometimes. He was maybe more than a bestie to you but you'd never ever admit it to him or anyone. Not because of stupid pride of yours but his. If he ever learned about your feelings he'd never leave you but he'd stay just because his abandonment issues. He'd be too scared of losing you, his bestie, so he'd say he loves you too and everything would go mad. Relationships can't last long if its base is all lie. You never ever wanted to lose him just because of your stupid feelings so you were happy to be around him. Being besties with him, watching tv with him, cooking with him, doing the laundry with him (mostly he does, you hate to do it) were enough for you. When you parted from almost 1 second of hug (you were actually hugging for minutes but it felt like just a second to you) you were all calm and fine. Your pale face went to normal and your shivering body calmed. He seemed relaxed too.

He said "I'm so sorry to scare you like that. I didn't mean it. I never want to hurt you in any way sweetheart."

He was so cute after he done things like that, he didn't do that much but still...

"It's okay sweetheart. You brought me choco, huh?" you refer package.

"Yeah, but I might just squeezed them all while trying to avoid your attack." he replied.

You felt embarrassed. He felt it and continued "Which was my fault..." "Stop it! Don't do that again and again anytime I felt sad or angry or embarrassed or anything! Don't go softer on me whenever something like that happens and let me feel those things without regret man!" you retorted.

He was shocked. He didn't expect to hear something like that from you. Did he really make you feel uncomfortable? Did he say wrong stuff all the times?

"I'm sorry buddy, I had no idea I made you felt like that. Never doing it again, promise." he replied softly.

Buddy? Really? Why can't I just not to care about how he calls me right now? He seemed genunie. You knew he really didn't mean to make you feel lesser or dumber with always being softer with you when you're angry or sad. He really cares about me. You know it and feel it deeply. He might doesn't have feelings for you the way you have for him but he really genuniely cares about you. You felt weird but still were fine.

You said "Okay buddy, do not ever stop me from feeling those shitty feelings and we're cool forever. When you go softer on me I feel like I'm pitied by you and that's gross. So if you'll keep your promise we're okay."

He seemed relieved. How he wouldn't? You were his bestie, buddy. Of course he didn't wanna lose me. Damn that night... Why did he scare me like that? You were more stable with your feelings for him. Why would you do that Jason? Damn! Now it gets worse and worse anytime he calls you buddy or bestie. He realised something was off with you.

"Anything else bothers you just tell me Y/N, okay?" he said.

"Nothing buddy. I'm totally fine. Just felt bad for chocolates."

He smiled to you and said "I will buy another box to you. And I'm actually buying it now." while about to leave.

"No, it's not necessery. I'm fine. You can buy some other time too. And I don't wanna have a second heart attack."

Both of you burst into laughter. He was too cute to not to kiss and you -again- cussed yourself and just punch his arm softly. After that you told him about your final project and how you finally will be graduated.

You seemed too pretty to him being this much enthusiastic about all those graduation thing and so happy for got an job offer from star labs. Y/N seems much calm after how I scared her to death. Death? Boy stop doing it. Stop saying it! Especially when he's talking about you he shouldn't use that word even in his thoughts. You deserve best, not death, not anykind of death or hurtings. He was kind of got the idea of he had to protect you from everything, even from himself from time to time, even you can take care of yourself. But he always feels like he can lose everything in a heartbeat so he has to make sure. Right? Like, he cares about all his friends like that. Right? He was never sure about what he feels or if he feels anything but he was so sure he had to protect you. Which is normal thing between besties he's sure. Right? It's not that he feels this weird things when he's around you. He's totally just friends with you and it sucks... Wait, sucks! What the shit man? It's totally just friendship. Look at Y/N. Y/N sees you only as a friend, buddy. Y/N was always supportive and caring you a lot doesn't mean she loves you differently. Leave here now idiot boy!

When he got up from couch you asked "What happened?" and he answered "You should sleep sweetie." Stop it boy! Stop calling her sweetie like you're a thing.

"You're about to fall asleep whenever I'm the one talking baby". Baby? You could choose any friendly words stupid but you choose baby? But Y/N seems like not getting different ideas. No more any other words except friendly ones. He felt kind of sad... Relief I mean. Boy what are you doing? Leave already.

You were really tired already before him giving you a heartattack and it did make it worse. You were exhausted and he was about to leave. And from your bedroom window. You were stunned how relaxed he was while doing that.

"Wow, you're gonna use my bedroom window again? Just like that? So shameless..." you said while giggling.

He was ashamed a little bit (little bit cause he liked to be in your personal space which is nothing but a bestfriendly thing 😉) and said "You know babe, suit..." You had to fuck this up -no others words but friendly ones- shit boy! But Y/N seemed only took he was wearing the suit from that answer, not something else. Leave already before it's too late. Also expected Y/N to stop him... Why are you making it worse? And quickly went to Y/N's bedroom window and he was outside after 1 minutes. He was angry himself for thoughts he had never believed there. Damn boy, what were you thinking?

You went to bed after you heard he left your apartment from your window.

P.S. -> My intention was to write ending with them being a couple but my angstysucker heart couldn't find a way to end story that way. With my sincerely apologies 🙏 Jason's thoughts and Y/N's thoughts

#jason todd x reader #jason todd x y/n #red hood x y/n #red hood x reader #this is my very very first time writing not reading #just some stupid drabble #turn out longer than I expected #🙏🙏🙏 #I think I fucked up #sorry #my angsty heart can't be stoppable #fluff #friends #to not lovers #friends again #sorry again

[dissociativedreadtheatre]

Were currently struggling to accept help. Its been hard and confusing but our whole lives anytime anyone (doctors and therapists included) try to validate us or even when reading other peoples experiences that we relate to our stomach twists up, our mind gets fuzzy and our chest feels like its getting stabbed.

Something stops us from being able to relate to people, to feel valid and safe. The feeling of warmth and safty always gets ripped from us. Its isolating to say the least. We know that at one point we were seen as some godlike entity or that one could talk threw us? So were not "suppose" to have anything wrong with us and were really not "suppose" to relate to "normal people" but this often leaves us feeling like we have nothing wrong with us and so arnt allowed in victim spaces if we dont idetify with anything having happened to us even tho we do logically know it did.

Even when doctors tell us somethings wrong with us we cant believe them. Even when we DO logically believe them its like no matter how much I want to I just cant. I can get blood tests to come back positive on illnesses and STILL cant get myself to believe any of it.

I know we have programed parts set to not take medications and not listen to medical or social cues unless approved by someone of power. Im not sure if there are just more programs then we know about or if one just kinda permeates all of it. We recently left the family behind but the mother was the only person our programs listened to. Were just not sure what to do anymore. We want to join your discord, we want to access recrosses, we want to be able to take our medications, we want to believe our doctor when they say we have a chronic illness and be able to use our mobility aides. But we just cant...something stops us each and every time and it hurts and im at my complete wits end over it all. Sometimes its a spinning feeling, sometimes its a painful feeling, sometimes someone else fronts and they stop us, sometimes fragments stop us, its all just so much to much to type up. We have no way of finding a therapist for help to break any of this down. At times me and my system cant help but feel like failures. Before finding all of this we use to think we were a really shitty system for how disordered and debilitating our systoms with DID are. People say you can live a healthy plurl life and you can work together if you just work on it and splitting happens less and you can send out alters to help were you need it and like...we try our hardest we all really do. and i love my system for everything and yes we have been able to work together but also we just split more and more and more and the nightmears and hullusiations are so sary and we cant get ahold of ourselves and we DONT work like a big team there are to many of us and so many people ahve to split up their prioritys betwene parts and honestly were just to damn tired. were just to exsaughted to keep doing this alone. oh im so sorry :( we didnt mean to rant like this were sorry

You genuinely have nothing to apologise about, you are allowed to use our asks in such ways to yell and scream because it means that you are getting it out rather then keeping it in.

The first step in healing is acknowledging the fact that how you're existing at the moment needs to change. It is the want that is really important, you want to have access to resources and take medical aids that will help your quality of life. That is the first step, and you've admitted that to us, which means you genuinely want to change the way things are.

Deprogramming is something that can not be forced, yes therapy and medical settings do help for a large sum of people however sometimes that privilege is not there and sometimes therapy doesn't help. It is understandable that accepting help is difficult, especially if you have been programmed to quite literally not accept it. However right here and now, you have reached out to us, that is a really big step in the right direction of healing! That is genuinely incredible and you should be proud of yourself!

For systems who are survivors, when you're just starting to realise the trauma you went through, even listening to other survivors is daunting, and horrifying. It takes time to realise that what happened, is not your fault, you didn’t have any control over it, and you can't change what happened. Living in denial is a coping mechanism that can be incredibly harmful, however if it is what you need to do right now to exist, there isn't anything wrong with leaving the trauma processing to another day.

It is a hard battle between you logical and mental thinking, often logically you know so much but attempting to convince you irrational thinking? Your emotional thinking? That is incredibly difficult and hard to change, and it definitely will not change over night, it takes time, and energy. So instead of attempting to fix it all ASAP, take your time, take your time in the world because attempting to rush your healing, will make it infinitely worse.

A part of programming is denial programming, a failsafe for your thinking process that is used against you to make you believe, and truly believe, that none of your trauma happened. None of your hurt that you feel happened. It is an incredibly hard program to over come because you logically want to heal and take steps forward but you feel dragged back by other parts. It sounds like a lot of the things you exhibit such as spinning, and a painful feeling, are all forms of programs that I and several others exhibit.

It is hard to believe that you are not alone in this battle, but I promise, you've reached out to us, and that is incredible process. Incredible process to begin healing. To recognise that what happened, happened, and the responses you get now are valid because what happened, was fucked up, and it majorly effected you. Take you time, I know I am sure as hell not going anywhere, we will always be here, take your time with healing. You healing will take as much or as little time as it needs.

Take your time, you're not alone, take deep breaths, and know, you are allowed to not be okay, its okay to not be okay. I believe in you, you've got this.

#ramcoa #ramcoa server #tbmc #dbmc

[llycaons]

ep 34 (2/2): hey guys? I think jiang cheng might be stupid

well, this isn't boring anymore I suppose

this is bizzare - jc implying that lwj had some kind of shady connections to bring wwx back?

and wwx defending lwj, as he does

this performance from xz is SO good. the little hitch in his breath as he admits this - he's clearly close to tears

the kicker is. the kicker is I know why jc thinks the way he does even though I know he's wrong and his perceptions are skewed. and he does have sincere grievances with wwx here. because that WAS a shitty thing that wwx said, even if he didn't know how jl was. like you'd think an orphan would know better than to mock another (teenage) orphan but he can be such a dick sometimes

yeah this is something that it makes sense to be upset about too. though again given that wwx literally killed himself I think he knows

the plaintive streak in his line here reminds me so much of my younger brother. he almost sounds like a child, and he doesn't really have anything to defend himself.

yeah despite everything I've said about misconceptions of their relationship and how bad things really were back then for them, this little scene captures a lot of what's compelling and painful about their dynamic, and what pushes people to rewrite jc into someone already worthy of having a relationship with even in the midst of one of the worst things he ever does to wwx. worse than the attempted strangulation, I'd say. maybe on par with telling him to go die when he was already suicidal. up near attacking him as he was leaving LP for no other reason than he wanted to see him hurt. GOD this guy sucks

actually I can see this from his pov as well. like OBVIOUSLY he still hates wen ning, who murdered jzx and doomed their sister.

you know it's fully insane that fans make jc look for wwx for all those years because he genuinely misses him and wants him to be okay because this makes it so abundantly clear that he literally wants them both dead

good question, wwx! unfortunately we won't have time to unpack all that

jl was listening at the door, so he knew that jc wants to find wen ning and sends him out with that excuse. it's actually really funny how easy jc is to manipulate. that is not a very smart man

god I love jin ling. he has such a mouth on him. who else can disrespect jc like this? he's so funny

people will read that top line like "uwu I wanted my brother back 🥺' and maybe that's a part of it but jc literally says in the next sentence he would have murdered wwx so idk what he thought wwx was going to realistically do. I mean he literally already died, he wasn't going to offer himself up AGAIN. jc. be practical.

tho I do think a little part is that jc wanted to be trusted. even if he would have betrayed that. he's a complicated dude. people don't always make logical sense. and he always hated being out of the loop

but yeah jc is a deeply punitive person who wants to hurt people until he personally feels mollified, or to kill them. and this just isn't very condusive to like, lifelong stability or happiness. I'm the first to say nobody is obligated to forgive, but he raised jl to be so angry and focus so much on the negatives instead of focusing on jl as a person, his strengths and goals and hobbies. and that's destructive to jl I think, it's corrosive for a child to grow up with that burden and that pressure on him. and as soon as jl runs into an adult who supports him and uplifts him, he blooms

jc fans saying 'what do you MEAN jc doesn;t trust wwx. look how he left him with his nephew! if that isn't brotherly love (TM) I don't know what is!' are so funny because jiang cheng is actually just stupid. he's just dumb and he thinks this will work

jl being mean to wwx is fine because wwx started it, wwx is thirty years old, and it's funny. it's everything people like in the jc and wwx dynamic, adjusted for their ages, but without all the baggage of literal murder and torture. wwx did jl wrong, but he apologizes for his words, looks after and teaches and protects jl, and jl reluctantly loves him and protects him in turn. it's a really special relationship that deserves more than an afterthought in postcanon works

oh mister toxic masculinity is back

SO TRUE JIN LING. real men DON'T concern themselves with people who shame them for being feminine. come on wwx you're going to literally have gay sex you have to get over this

I love when he pulls out his 'wise mentor' voice. it's I'm sorry and thank you time!!!!!

oof. sobering words from someone who has suffered

AND HE APOLOGIZES!!!! he apologizes to jin ling!! it's a great step in their relationship and it's so gratifying to see. I said at one point that wwx isn't very apologetic, but this (and to jyl a few times, and to lwj) are the exceptions

personal highlights:

well the streets are pretty

lwj needing that extra push from wwx is like one of the only pieces of evidence he gives a shit about him in the episode

jl manipulating jc, mouthing off to him, and then letting wwx go is an enthralling series of events

wwx saying the im sorry and thank you line!! and apologizing to jl!!

#cql re-rewatch

[plctwists]

HAN SOHEE  23  FEMALE  SHE/HER — ; where do you get your inspiration, KIM MINA ? you’re so INTUITIVE , i can’t help but think of DYING ROSES , DRINKING EXPENSIVE WINE FROM THE BOTTLE AT DAWN , A MESS OF CIGARETTE BUTTS , WET BRUSHES AND CRUMBLED PIECES OF PAPER when i hear your name . your friends tell me you can be FLIGHTY sometimes . i guess it’s understandable given the circumstances. besides , i can’t even imagine how stressful PAINTING classes must be — not to mention you’re also in THE RED AND GREEN CLUB ! you’re a NEWCOMER , right ? yeah, i thought so . either way , welcome to mugunghwa ! 

hi all! i’m max, she/her, 21+ and super excited to be here! ‪♡‬ my new years resolution is to be active for the next 3 months so i can find out who k*lled jisoo :D anyways, this is my little manic pixie dream girl, flighty escapist painter miss kim mina! she’s still very much a wip and it’s my first time writing a character like her, so please do excuse any messiness and characterization issues thank u 

(also do like this post if you would like to plot!!) 

and more info about her can be found in her about page here ‪♡‬

basics

scorpio sun, cancer moon, scorpio rising

born 12 november 1999 in seoul 

lived in berlin for seven years when she was eight 

currently a second year painting major, specializes in oil painting & dabbles in watercolor. was previously at seoul national university

personality n vibes

infp

positive traits: caring, intuitive, creative, self-aware

negative traits: self-centered, escapist, dishonest, flighty

neutral traits: imaginative, secretive

character inspirations: the white lotus s2’s daphne, nevertheless’ jae eon, looking for alaska’s alaska young, if we were villains’ meredith, industry’s yasmin

archetypes the hedonist, the hopeless romantic

associated aesthetics: dying roses, messy rooms and messier lives, running away when things get hard, cigarettes butts and wet brushes carelessly strewn into an empty bottle of expensive wine, sharing knowing smiles in crowded rooms, vintage chanel bags stained with paint

trivia

best way to describe her: sweet but incredibly unreliable. soft-spoken with an air of mystery around her. the type to give you a vague, non-descript answer.

distances herself from reality because a. she doesn’t want to confront her trauma and b. it’s more fun romanticizing and dramatizing everything anyways

the kind to pretend that bad things don’t happen (she lives by the motto: “do whatever you have to do to not feel like a victim of life.”)

morally gray compass. will always find excuses for herself whenever she does something objectively wrong.

a manic pixie dream girl because she wants to be. deep down she knows that she’s fucked up and everything’s fucked up but would rather avoid a crushing reality than face it bc she has the opportunity to choose to ignore it. she may be self-centered and an escapist, but she’s not that stupid and not that unaware. she’s just wilfully ignorant rly

desperate for love, given her lack of love during her childhood, sort of a pushover but see below: will hurt u behind your back

she would never hurt someone, she says. but she is perfectly fine with doing it behind her backs and finding some justification on why it wasn’t that wrong anyways (shes a gaslighting queen)

she’s a fucking liar - misremembers events (wanting to dramatize them? just lives in a world of her own? no one fucking knows), saying whatever it takes to incite the reaction she wants, telling one thing to one person and another to someone else, always refusing to admit that she has lied

if you ask if she loved jisoo... she wouldn’t really have an answer. but she did love the idea of jisoo - the knight in shining armor, the boy who swept her off her feet away from shitty seoul

after jisoo’s death, nothing has really changed about mina which has led to a lot of talk about her “suspicious behaviour” but in reality, mina is detaching from the situation (as with what she did with her sister)

she’s numb about it, hasn’t really allowed herself to process - instead, throws herself into painting, buying expensive shit, dying her hair, speaking about him in present tense

background (tw death) 

summarising to things u need to know: parents dgaf about her, older sister died when she was six and she started building her own world, sent to berlin to study, came back to korea, cheated on her then-bf with her best friend’s boyfriend so she ran away with jisoo to mgh 

youngest only child of the kim family (tbc on what they do but they are rich but they are not in art world)

family lacked love, as with most rich families. hers never even tried - mum was a socialite, too busy chasing her youth with champagne flutes and mercurial highs to give a shit about her. dad just gave a shit about work more. maybe they never wanted children? maybe it was just part of their societal duties? mina has never tried to understand it and perhaps, never wants to

had an elder sister who she was quite close to

but when she was six, her sister passed away in a freak accident 

mina’s escapist tendencies intensified

made up stories about adventures of her and her deceased elder sister, started drawing and painting disturbing material to the point that her nanny, concerned over mina’s development, begged her parents to send mina for a psychological checkup

they found nothing wrong but her parents distanced themselves even further. she’s not sure whether it was because they couldn’t handle the loss of her older sister, or she scared them, or that they realized that there was no point even trying anymore

one of her parents’ friends and a teacher at her prestigious school saw that she had a gift for art, told her parents mina had potential 

she was then shipped off to berlin to hone her art in a prestigious art school

when she was fifteen, her grandparents threatened to cut her parents out of their will if mina didn’t come home, and so, she was sent back to korea for her high school years, where she did struggle to fit in but it wasn’t like mina really tried. continued painting, went on frequent overseas trips to europe, stirred a lot of shit and ruined many friendships

got into seoul national uni - started sleeping with her best friend’s boyfriend, even though she was taken herself (why? for the shits and giggles? for the inspiration? just because mina wanted to? because he looked at her drunk one night and said, “you’re really pretty” and she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so she did it behind her best friend AND boyfriend’s back, just to get the brief affection of someone who doesn’t even matter now? who the fuck knows)

essentially fucked her entire social life over and that was when mina realized she fucked up because seoul wasn’t like berlin where she could just run away and never return

around that time as well, she’d been talking to jisoo and when he (deeply in love with her at that point, and unaware of what had transpired) suggested she transferred over to mugunghwa, mina felt that it was the best possible option given the whole dramatic mess of her life.

over at mugunghwa, no one really knows what happened in seoul or why mina transferred. there are rumours about it though 

wanted connections

thank you if you made it this far! she only recently transferred to mgh during the spring semester so i don’t really have that many wanted connections!! always open to brainstorm :)

someone who has an inkling of what went down in seoul and is/was deeply suspicious of her relationship with jisoo

someone who puts her on a pedestal, and truly believes she is as great as they say her to be 

someone who keeps her grounded? or as grounded as possible? 

someone she does not like because they were mean to her face lol 

painting classmate friendships ‪♡‬ 

#( ‪♡‬ / ooc. ) #mguintro #( i apologise its long but hmu and we can exchange dcs if that works better too! )