Hei, is me. So, I’ve not been here mentally art wise, to be honest with you. Just having terrible art block and feeling like I’m in this constant loop of drawing the same damn things all the time, that I can’t come up with ideas anymore. It’s just sent me in a horrendous spiral where I can’t draw, I just sit there and hold my pencil. I’ll be gone. There’s paper. There’s a pencil in my hand. But why? Who wants to see the same old thing from me again? I just know it’s gonna be the Nordic 5 again, the same drawings, the same premise. And then, my friend finally convinced me to watch Metalocalypse. I didn’t even hit the halfway mark of the first episode before I decided that these characters were my everything, and that I loved them, and it was so fresh to have something new to laugh at and enjoy. Toki and Skwisgaar practically broke me out of this art block, and for that, have Toki in his roller skate outfit. I’m seriously extremely proud of how this came out and couldn’t be happier right now.
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I like drawing. I like giving gifts.
I've spent hundreds of hours making gift art. Over a hundred pieces. I get species currency for it. I'm rewarded somehow. But I still wish I could receive a gift, sometimes.
One hour, three hours, ten hours, sixteen hours, on and on.
I usually receive nothing more than thank-you's and compliments. And because of gratitude for those compliments, I feel moved to make gift art for those who thank me. And so I sink more hours for nothing more than words. And practice, I guess. These are gifts, not trades, but I still wish. Some say they'll draw my characters back. They still haven't. I try not to keep my hopes up. These are gifts, not trades. I think they're happy to receive gifts. I'd be happy, certainly.
I don't know why I want praise so much. Why I'd value a little thank-you or compliment to the degree I'd keep this cycle going. I don't know why I expect so much. Maybe it's my environment. Maybe it's the culture I'm used to, being in a collectivist country. Maybe it's because I believe in the golden rule. As if that's a binding thing on anyone, really.
I have horrible luck in chains. A drawing chain stopped after I did my piece, so I'm not getting anything out of that, anymore, other than the currency I get from the piece I made for the person above me. Before that, the piece I did get in the chain was the bare minimum requirement. It's hard to not be a little bitter.
I still like drawing. That's why I can sink so much time into it so easily. If nothing else, it's practice. Practice is good.
I still like giving gifts. I'd like to receive gifts, even if that likely won't happen.
It happened a few times though. A few mass drawings with my characters in it. Other art fight things. Someone practicing a simple comm. Someone trying to get through all the characters in the group at least once. So gifts, not really for me specifically though, just for the sake of drawing my characters, to tick off a number on the list, or an obligation for the team.
All my actual gifts are from one person. A cute pencil sketch. A ticket. Interaction doodles. They make me want to cry a little, because they're so unexpected.
Everyone wants free art. Post open request and people flock to it. Reply to a request, and receive nothing ever.
It makes me tired and frustrated. Then I feel bad for feeling that way.
Look on the bright side. More practice for me. More currency to make characters that only I will ever draw.
Maybe I should only do trades from now on, but that won't feel the same. It's not really about the art. It's about people caring about my things and characters. I'd like a gift. Something with effort and care to balance out this give/receive ratio.
That's too much to ask though. It would be rude. It would be naggy.
"Hey, could you care please? A little? I don't need a surprise party, like those cartoon episodes where everyone hides from the mc and the mc gets sad until it's revealed at the end. It would be nice, but I know that's unrealistic. Could you just, do more than say thank you? Something more substantial than words, after it's been months? A little sketch? A dumb meme? Please?"
"Hey, I don't think you guys care enough. I think you're all horrible, greedy people who want to milk me for free mediocre art! I think I deserve to be a valued member, be special, because I do stuff that no one asked me too! Because my words and intentions don't match and I want you to be able to read my mind! So show you actually care! Feed my ego! You can do that at least, you lazy freeloaders!"
I don't want to be misinterpreted. I don't want to sound anything like the latter. Think I will, if I say something. Maybe I'm overthinking.
I'm grateful to that one person. I'm very grateful. But some other people would be nice. Anyone would think so, I think. I hope.
It's my fault too. My instinctual response is to tell people, "It's fine! You don't have to give me anything back!"
I mean it. I really really mean it. Because these are gifts, not trades. Because I keep gambling with hope even if I try not to. Because if they give me something anyway, it means they care to surprise me back.
I'd see a piece despite me saying it's unneccessary as a gift. Maybe they just see it as pushing an unwanted thing onto me? I'm not insulting their styles when I say, "you don't have to." Do they think I am? Because context variances? Culture clashes? I don't know.
I know this will probably keep going on though. Because I love the species, and that friend, and my characters, and the people who show interest, or thank me. So I'll keep making gifts with a vain hope of receiving them, and be elated whenever I receive anything from that friend or in a mass attack, and I just have to work on the gambling problem, I guess.
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