#disorganized attachment

[softgrlfriend]

same old story

#uploads #typography #graphic design #disorganized girlies it's our time to shine #attachment styles #disorganized attachment #healing #writers on tumblr

[exclusivelyhomosexual]

Disorganized (aka fearful-avoidant) attachment style is overanalyzing/overcorrecting when you think your partner might be pulling away from you, but then pulling away from them when they draw close to you.

It is both craving AND fearing intimacy so deeply that you grip people tight in your hands lest they leave you, but keep them at an arms length lest they love you.

#disorganized attachment #disorganized attachment style #fearful avoidant #fearful avoidant attachment #fearful avoidant attachment style #attachment styles #attachment theory #anxious attachment #avoidant attachment #relationships #long distance relationship #long distance relationships #ldr #ldr love #queer relationships #queer love #intimacy #fear of intimacy #craving intimacy #secure attachment style #insecure attachment #insecure attachment styles #attachment styles can be healed #attachment styles can be changed #childhood wounds #healthy relationships #healthy relationships are possible

[petrichor-moss-and-lightning]

“who will come into my kitchen and be hungry for me?” i whisper to myself, knowing full well that anytime someone comes remotely near my kitchen i scramble and hide in the fucking dishwasher

#i have issues with intimacy can u tell #is that sexy? #im working on it in therapy okay??? #it’s 2 am and I’m googling ‘how to not be freaked out by acts of affection’ #anyway!! this was funny in my head #but not so much on the screen #whatever #also I’m arospec and asexual #so I think that has something to do with it #fearful avoidant #disorganized attachment #aroace #aroace lesbian #attachment issues #avoidant attachment #shitpost

[girlfromhvn]

𐙚 me reading and fantasizing about love knowing i have disorganized attachment

#girlblogging #just girly things #coquette girl #girl boss aesthetic #tc crush #cassie ainsworth #cinnamon girl #lana del ray #disorganized attachment #im just a girl #the virgin suicides #girl interrupted #girlhood #female hysteria #hell is a teenage girl

[myun-saidthoughts]

Disorganized Attachment Style: What Happens When Someone Becomes "Consistent"

One thing no one talks about with a disorganized attachment style, is the way your brain will automatically block and suppress feelings for someone once these feelings don't mirror the same pain you once felt growing up. Once they become somehow consistent for you, it can feel worse when they come to you because suddenly they don't fill your deepest void, and you'll ask yourself "do i still care?" "why am i not overly attached to this outcome anymore?" "i don't feel fear but i also don't feel this intense need for them, do i even want them?"

Struggling with a disorganized attachment style with abandonment issues creates this idea in your head where those questions causes deactivation and the desire for them somehow vanishes.

The intense lows and highs/feelings that once persisted must always be there or the lack of will showcase a less desire for them.

Therefore a lack of fear = lack of interest.

You feel comfortable with the scarcity mindset, you feel comfortable with "'needing" someone, so when you don't have that need, there's a part of you that feels like they won't be able to give you the "fulfillment" feeling you think you always need in order to like someone.

The truth is, that feeling you are holding onto is just a comfort zone for you and keeps you from letting that one part of you that you hide, out.

That feeling of not needing is something you're not familiar with, so with it brings up the need of past patterns that you once subconsciously or consciously always held onto.

It's okay to not need someone, it's okay to not have this black or white mindset with other souls, and it's okay to just be okay in the moment and not have a constant rollercoaster of emotions embody you. This "desire" you think you always need in order to feel emotionally safe is only because now it doesn't represent the home or care you received as a child.

You're comfortable with the highs and the lows so when someone you once felt you could lose no longer gives you that fear, somehow that need for them dissipates.

Now if you experience this, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or that you can't fall in love, it just means you now are experiencing love or care in a way that you feel is unsafe because it's the love you've never had the chance to hold onto.

It's okay to not need someone.

#fearful attachment style #fearful avoidant #fa attachment #disorganized attachment #disorganized attachment style #abandonment #abandonedment wounds #abandonment issues #abandoned #fear of love #scared of commitment #fear of commitment #trauma #afraid to love #fear of vulnerability

[ds29gurl2]

#kiki's delivery service #self love #anxiety relief #mental health #self improvement #infp #me asf #adhd #disorganized attachment #depression #general anxiety disorder

[sadieshavingsex]

I think I've really started figuring out something about relationships and why mine seem to end so intensely. So this is just a little thought experiment, and, as always, I'm not an expert and I'm mostly writing this to talk to myself - take what resonates and leave the rest! So without further ado...

I think that these are some of the most basic ingredients a good relationship can have:

each partner having a baseline ACCEPTANCE of the other person and the ability to "let them do them" authentically

each partner being able to set BOUNDARIES that allow them to continue "doing them," as well as being able to tell the other "no" and stand up for themselves in order to keep those boundaries in place

each partner being COMFORTABLE with the concept that the relationship MAY NOT WORK OUT and truly being okay with stopping the relationship if it begins to go south

When these things start to get compromised, all hell breaks loose and you start the really vicious insecure attachment style cycles we've all come to know and love.

First of all, if someone starts to feel, for whatever reason, that this relationship "MUST WORK OUT," you are headed for disaster - this will create a scenario where at least one person in the relationship is more susceptible to letting go of their own boundaries if the other person asks. If there is any kind of question of the other partner not being able to accept them or their boundaries, the partner who feels things need to work out will simply let go of their boundaries for the sake of the relationship rather than stand up for themself or be able to walk away. Then you have a situation where boundaries are disintegrating and acceptance of the boundaryless partner is potentially starting to become conditional, so you've got the other two pillars of the safe relationship starting to fall.

Soon enough, you're in a very deep cycle. Putting aside your own boundaries for another person, no matter who they are, starts to breed resentment, and you start to feel unaccepting feelings toward the other person's behavior and probably feel that you're participating in an unequal power dynamic where they are making the rules of the relationship. Without your own boundaries, you likely start to impinge on your partner's - if you have to give up so much to be with them and earn their acceptance, they'd better be giving up the same! And then, the more that either of you give up, the more you probably start to subscribe to the sunk cost fallacy - you've changed so much for this person, so now you have to stay together even more, because this relationship would just be a total failure and violation otherwise.

FRIEND. Let me just say it right here from the start: if you stick to the three pillars above, you will probably be able to maintain a much healthier relationship with your partner and yourself!!! Because when you are not bending over backwards in ways that harm you, it's likely that you expect less of that from your partner as well. If you maintain the boundaries, it's probably easier to maintain your acceptance of each other, too. And if you keep your comfort with being alone, you're able to decide to leave in a respectable, peaceable way if the other relationship pillars start to fall in a way that makes you uncomfortable. I feel like these 3 pillars are the way to have a healthy, happy relationship with realistic expectations, that can still end really amicably if it needs to! But if you lose one the whole thing comes crashing down.

#mine #attachment issues #insecure attachment #anxious attachment #disorganized attachment #relationship anxiety #bpd #boundaries #perfectionism

[spicywaterwombat]

Reminder to self: The goal is not to be free of insecurity or imperfection *before* building relationships. The goal is to learn how to own and work through insecurity *while* being vulnerable with the people you love.

#attachment issues #anxious attachment #avoidant attachment #attachment styles #disorganized attachment #insecurity #insecure attachment

[priestessofcreation]

So yes I am fearful avoidant. And I am afraid of love - of being manipulated, of being abused, if not loving the person the right way, the good way, the kind way, the correct way. I’m afraid of using the other person. I’m afraid of being the abuser. I’m afraid of a trauma bond. I’m afraid of it not being real, of it not going anywhere. I’m afraid of being used, and abandoned, and discarded. I’m afraid of fucking it up, of it going belly-up.

I’m afraid I’ll mess it up. I’m afraid I’ll be broken down. I’m afraid I’ll be stripped of my sense of self. I’m afraid I’ll be psychologically tortured.

I’m afraid… I won’t be loved the right way. And it won’t be safe. And I’ll love someone who gutted me.

That is my worst nightmare romantically

#love #relationships #tw abuse #tw psychological torture #fearful avoidant #disorganized attachment

[kenmakaminari]

Having a disorganized attachment style is so weird and frustrating. Because, like, I want and crave love and attention but the second someone tries to show me it I push them away and shut down. Because that's scary, if they give me affection then they'll either leave, or want something back, and I'm not ready to find out what kind of payment they'll want.

#psychology #disorganized attachment #trauma #ptsd #childhood trauma #attachment styles #attachment #cptsd #cptsd problems #anxious attachment #secure attachment #fearful avoidant #avoidant attachment #mental health

[bl0w-m3]

Me pushing somebody away to see if they come back and they come back

#bpd #actually bpd #mental health #bpd shit #actually borderline #bpd shitposting #disorganized attachment #attachment issues

[exclusivelyhomosexual]

Turns out, I had no idea how much I fear love until someone presented me with the real thing

#love #rocd tw #relationship ocd #rocd #relationship anxiety #disorganized attachment #avoidant attachment #fearful avoidant attachment #disorganized attachment style #fearful avoidant attachment style #queer relationships #fear of intimacy #fear of love #trauma #tw ptsd #tw cptsd

[mx-lamour]

I was emotionally neglected as a child and it shows

#emotional neglect #disorganized attachment #i'm really tired of begging people to notice me #rejection sensitivity #no promises

[angelunderheaven]

"you still belong to me"

#mother daughter issues #mother daughter relationship #white oleander #mother! #narcissistic mother #narc mom #astrid magnussen #ingrid magnussen #alison lohman #michelle pfeiffer #girl interrupted #girl problems #pale grunge #thirteen movie #thirteen 2003 #thirteen #disorganized attachment #lizzy grant #lana del rey #female experience #my post

[myun-saidthoughts]

What is a disorganized attachment style and why can it be detrimental?

With this attachment style, there is a push and pull internally that you struggle with. You have this dire need and desire to be wanted by someone, to have someone, to be someone’s person, yet nothing terrifies you more. Nothing makes you more sick to your stomach, and nothing brings you more anxiety.

There is a constant dilemma wavering over your head. Usually, one parent emotionally starved you through their non-verbal absence, they never met your needs, they never protected you, they never gave you the unconditional love you so desperately craved for, and quite frankly needed and deserved. And in most cases the other parent represented a constant rollercoaster of emotions. They were unpredictable, chaotic, abusive, but also loving, nurturing, and caring in some circumstances. They brought you the safety and took it away just as fast. Over and over again, “I’m here!” to “I left again” over and over again. Because of this you looked at your parents in fear instead of comfort. Instead of walking towards them for protection, you ran away in fear and confusion. This abandonment wound has grown so deep in you to the point where you believe they wouldn’t come to you when you need them the most, because they never did.

You started to believe that they wouldn’t give you the security or stability that you need. Both parents emotionally (sometimes physically) left, with no explanation or communication. Or in some other severe cases both or (one) parent abused or neglected you and your needs at a very young age, and so you grew up thinking that 'love' is a conditional circumstance, and it's not given, especially by the people you're supposed to hold close to. In short, they didn’t provide the emotional or physical support or security a parent should have brought or in a way that you needed.

You felt as if you weren’t enough for their love so why would anyone else in your life be different? Why would another soul bring you the security your own parents starved you from? How can you become vulnerable to someone who would just leave in the end? How do you show the darkest parts of yourself to another? How do you let the wall come down? You were taught that no one will be there when it does. And with all this fear, there is still a part of you that wants a home.

You want someone to hold you and give you the peace you never felt. You want someone to look at you with pure intentions, and with care. You want someone to put you first because no one in your life ever did. No one ever showed you that your feelings matter, or that you are worthy of the love you crave. You want a home, a safe, secure, stable home. And now you search for it. Everywhere. And when and if you do, you run.

The idea of someone else actually seeing you, and all your parts makes you insecure and afraid. Being vulnerable is terrifying, showing a part of yourself just means they will take that part from you, and leave. Because they always do. Yet still, you have this deep void. A deep void of wanting a connection, wanting to be needed, and wanting to give. Now you may struggle emotionally and wither between being numb towards wanting a partnership to wanting nothing more. “What if the person I choose doesn’t choose me?” And this constant dilemma goes around and around your head. You feel as if no one is able to understand you, or love you in the way that you need. So instead, you fall for the people who naturally represent the abandonment wound that bleeds in you.

You fall for the one person that you know will leave, because that's what's most comfortable to you. It’s what’s most known in your eyes, it's deemed as what’s most ‘safe.’ The person you choose to give your heart to, is the same person you know that will abandon you. You already know how the story ends, so you naturally will choose someone who fits that absent character. They will never love you in the way that you long for, in the way that you search for, but that’s the type of love you only feel safe enough to accept. You’ll go in circles with this person, and you’ll constantly ask yourself “Why am I never good enough?” “Why can’t they just understand me for a second?” “Am I asking for too much?” “I’m never worth it, I’m not enough.” And the cycle repeats.

Or in some cases you find someone special, and the second they don’t represent your abandonment wound, the second they get too comfortable being with you, too comfortable with showing you their affection, their secure love, you run. This type of love is not common for you, nor does it feel safe enough to have, or to hold. Only until you heal that abandonment wound you have deep down, the only people in your life will just be a walking affirmation that says “You are not worth it.”

Ultimately, you crave to find the love you never received, but search for it in all the wrong people.

The people you choose are mirrors of everything you feel about yourself. You don’t think you deserve the safe love you yearn for. So when someone comes in, and they don’t represent the ‘safe’ mirror of being the person who will leave, nothing scares you more.

So until you look in the mirror, and see someone who is only deserving of the love you never received, you will only keep seeing a broken soul crying to be truly seen.

#fearful avoidant #fa attachment #fearful attachment style #disorganized attachment #abandoned #abandonment issues #trauma #attachment styles #psychology #cant commit #afraid of love

[abandonment-trauma]

Believe it or not, my fear of abandonment can make me pull away the second i sense rejection.

#abandonment #abandonment trauma #abandonment issues #mental health #attachment trauma #trauma #cope #coping #bpd #borderline personality #fearful avoidant #disorganized attachment #neglected #rejected