#even the things I 100% definitely have and am diagnosed with

[foolishnpd]

I wonder when I started suspecting I was a narcissist? I found a post in my journal that suggested I was considering it at the time, all the way in December 2022... I thought it was more recent but I guess not? wow, a whole year of suspecting a self diagnosis and I'm still completely unsure 😍

#lilyroaring #self diagnosis #npd #actually narcissistic #narcissistic personality disorder #and of course #that journal also had entries wayyyyy before it with. very obvious symptoms 😭 #like yeah babey I've been like this my whole life and I've just never grown up #they don't diagnose it in kids because kids are just Like That sometimes #but uh #if I still act and feel exactly like that #as an adult #then it's indicative of something right? #at this point I might as well just embrace the self diagnosis #literally fit the bill for 90% of the symptoms #(though some much more mildly than others. I'd say 50% of them are actually very strong symptoms) #it's always hard to tell for me too #because I experience every disorder very mildly... or I suppress it well enough I can't tell what I experience #even the things I 100% definitely have and am diagnosed with #I doubt I'm even autistic at times because I don't feel the effects of it. but I undeniably am #if I've been consistently disordered by npd symptoms for over a year now #I may as well just accept I probably have it #this shit can't be coincidental

[doraambrose]

I see this alot in fanon and I think jason Todd's parents are completely misunderstood.

Disclaimer: I am not a victim of parents with drug abuse nor have a I ever done drugs. I sympathize and emphasize with people who struggle with drug abuse as there are many reasons to get into it and it's very hard on your body to get clean, I will link help organizations below. This does mean that I can be a little ignorant to the struggles so if I say anything offensive or wrong, please call me out and educate me so I don't make the same mistake

Jason's family has been retconned so many times, it's hard to keep it straight. But this is my headcannon based on what I've seen:

1. I feel like a lot of people write Willis Todd to be this awful abusive scumbag who hated his kid and his wife. If you are talking about young justice or arkhamverse, this canonically true, but I think that's far from the truth in the main universe, prime or whatever it's called. In batman 411, jason is clearly distraught by Willis' death and does try to avenge him by lashing out at Two face. We also can't forget about the incident with the penguin that led to the worst Bruce and jason characterization before gotham war. And that's because of one rhato issue where jason finally reads willis' letters (a truly heartbreaking issue: rhato rebirth 23)

I believe that Willis wasn't a bad dad. Not a good dad, but not an awful abusive one. I 100% believe he has never abused his family in this universe. And you know what, he wasn't a great person. He was a drug dealer and then a henchmen. But he CARED. He cared about his family. He tried so hard to provide for Catherine and Jason for their medical bills, food, shelter. He just had a poor upbringing and some real shit luck, trying to survive in poverty in Gotham city.

2. Catherine has been written in fanon to be a perfect caring mother who was nothing but a victim. I believe that she wasn't as good of a mother and a person as people make her out to be. And we haven't seen everything, but I believe this because she seems selfish. She seems to put herself and her drug addiction before her family, doesn't seem to even try to get clean or take care of jason or provide. Look at these panels:

She neglected Jason. He had to go out and put his life on the line day after day when it should've been the other way around. Jason was a kid. And don't get me wrong, she probably loved jason and had good intentions, no, she definitely loved him, or else jason wouldn't canonically think as highly of her and take care of her the way he did, but she wasn't perfect and I don't think she was as good of a mother as she's made out to be.

3. Canonically, jason seems to really care for Catherine, but not Willis. I have a theory about that. For why he thinks so highly of catherine: I've never had a parent who suffered from drug abuse, but I do have a parent who suffered from a lot of mental health issues like depression, diagnosed, and I feel like bpd, though it was never diagnosed. When things were bad, they were BAD. I witnessed a lot. But when things were good, things were REALLY GOOD. I feel like when Catherine would come off the drug haze, things were like that. She probably took care of him during those times and was loving and all that. Catherine is the one parent figure Jason has to hold onto (because of all the shit with Bruce, Sheila, etc.). He forcibly removes the bad shit she's done and hangs onto the good things she's done because she really did care about him and in life, it seems harder to hate your mom than your dad (from what i have heard when i did research on this from friends). I've done that for years, and idk if I'm explaining it right, but I think that's the best way I can. For why he doesn't love willis: I think up until he read the notes, he didn't have the full picture. From his perspective, willis leaves to do crime and then eventually gets caught and left forever. I think he blamed willis for making jason become "the man of the house" and have all this extra responsibility. Willis also strikes me as the type of parent who has trouble expressing feelings, so jason probably rarely, if ever, heard "I love you" from his dad. Willis also strikes me as the person who would believe that he needs to make his son stronger in order to survive, and there are a lot of parents like that, especially parents from a low income household or a history of poverty.

In conclusion, both parents were FAR from perfect parents, but they're not as evil or as innocent as people write them in fanon. They're just...people. fanon likes to write comic people as black or white, innocent or abusive, but in reality, It's a gray area. Willis had his flaws, I hc him as one of those old fashioned kind of dads who wants his son to be tough and strong and isn't good with sharing his feelings, but does truly care about his family and NEVER was abusive. Catherine was a mother who definitely cared about her family, but wasn't an innocent victim and had her own flaws.

Anyway, thank you for coming to my Ted talk

#jason todd #red hood #batfam #dc universe #dc comics #rhato rebirth #rhato #catherine todd #willis todd #batman #two face #dc penguin

[aroaceleovaldez]

i hope this doesn't sound like a silly or weird thing to send you, but i'm autistic and have long thought of nico and a handful of other riordanverse characters as autistic and i love your posts about why nico in particular seems intentionally autistic-coded. but i've been thinking, if rick did intend for any of his characters to be autistic, why wouldn't he say so outside of the text at least? i can't think of a good reason why not, when he goes out of his way to be explicit about so many other characters' various marginalized identities and has confirmed things like reyna being asexual outside of the original text. so it gives me this nagging sort of doubt that maybe rick just made nico come off as so extremely autistic coded by accident, somehow. if it wasn't an accident i do kind of wish he'd say so because there's next to zero explicitly stated autistic representation in, like, any media so it'd be nice to have here even if not strictly necessary. either way though, like i said, i love your posts and i agree with you 100% about autistic nico! some others i like to think are autistic are annabeth and leo.

(Most of this is gonna be kind of a tangential ramble to your point and i apologize in advance just bear with me)

This actually touches upon something I've been meaning to do a write-up on recently, which is: depending on the coding, that is our explicit statement. In most coding, actually, that's kind of the point. (Also something something Death of the Author.)

You may have noticed a recent trend across media of characters saying things directly rather than expressing them in a natural way, and often this includes incredibly stilted dialogue of characters explaining things in very politically correct, wikipedia-esque descriptions and terminology that make absolutely no sense for the characters' personalities or mannerisms. This is born out of the idea that if something is not stated in explicit terms, no amount of evidence below an outright direct exact statement will ever count - if two characters of the same gender have an explicit kiss and wedding on-screen, it doesn't matter because they never said the word "gay," etc etc.

In PJO, prior to more recent books, we get plenty of examples of characters explaining parts of their identities without direct statements. Percy never needs to say in outright terms that he has PTSD from Gabe - and it doesn't make sense that he would! He's 12! He's never been diagnosed for that. He probably doesn't even know what PTSD is really. But we, the audience, know without a doubt he has PTSD, because it is clearly expressed to us. That is coding. Tyson is coded as having down syndrome. Nico is coded as being autistic. It doesn't make sense for Nico to turn to the camera and explain that he's autistic and what that means, because he definitely never got diagnosed for it and probably doesn't know what that means cause the diagnosis literally did not exist when he was growing up - and heck, autism terminology was still kind of getting sorted out back in 2007 when TTC was published, so it's unlikely we could have feasibly gotten any exact terminology wink-wink-nudge-nudges short of something like how Percy outright mentions other students called Tyson the r-slur in Sea of Monsters. And in fact we see that same exact style of coding with Nico later on in the series. Nico never turns to the camera and says word-for-word "I am gay, I am mlm, here's me wearing my exact pride flags" (until TOA/TSATS, which... did the exact thing i mentioned about characters speaking like theyre trying to get a good grade in therapy, or giving a powerpoint presentation). But it is never unclear that HoO is telling us outright that Nico is gay. It's not just hinted at. It's there, in your face. But entirely because no one ever outright says "gay" specifically it's technically still only coding. We know he's gay, we know the characters have trauma/ptsd, etc etc. We don't need it spelled out - that's just kind of condescending. It's like if you said describing a character with "eyes like moss" means they were "green-eye coded."

Nico being autistic-coded isn't hidden. It's not a secret. It's very overt. If you know what autism looks like, well, yeah, there he is. Even if you only know very vague 2007 media presentation of autism, Nico in TTC is easily recognizable enough as autistic because that's the point. Tyson is easily recognizable as being coded as having down syndrome and it's very clearly very intentional! It's just never spoon-fed in exact terms to the reader because it's not necessary! You've already been told the information necessary to tell you what is up with this character, so just plainly going "oh they're [x] in exact terms" is very much telling-not-showing and feels redundant. And while there are places for that kind of thing, most of the time it's very unnecessary. Sometimes coding is subtle, sometimes it's obvious, and yeah there are times where writers code characters unintentionally, but the textual evidence is there, and that's the whole point.

And that's what Death of the Author is about - it doesn't matter what the author intended at the end of the day, because if it's in the text it's in the text. You can look at author intent to try and figure out what that text means, but the text is the text. A Separate Peace is a very classic example - author John Knowles denies there being homosexual subtext, and meanwhile one of the protagonists living in 1942 puts on a pink shirt while saying he doesn't mind of people think of him as gay. What the author says after the fact doesn't matter - if it's there, it's there. So Rick saying anything outside of the books is completely irrelevant. And Rick talks about this a lot - he actively tells people that his statements outside of the books are just his own thoughts, but what's in the books is what's in the books, and if the text supports it then that's all the evidence you need.

Nico specifically is a case where yeah, he's clearly autistic-coded. It's very obvious and very obviously intentional when he's younger, and as the books progress it remains a background trait of his but is still notable (except for when it gets forgotten in TOA/TSATS like everything else, including the adhd/dyslexia, but i digress). It's a clear pattern within the first few books that Rick is intentionally including. It doesn't make sense, especially for the year the book was published, for the reader to be directly told in explicit terminology that Nico is autistic, because the reader is already being told that Nico is autistic.

And yeah, Rick doesn't mention Nico being autistic-coded outside of the text, but he also doesn't mention Tyson being coded as having down syndrome. He also said one time that Percy doesn't have PTSD at all, which is very incorrect starting from book 1. Again, Death of the Author. Whatever Rick says outside of the books does not matter, because he already said it in the books. And there's plenty of other stuff in the books that Rick doesn't touch upon, particularly relating to character identity - did you know Leo is Native? Sammy mentions that the Valdez family is Native in Son of Neptune but we don't get any specifics and then it's like never brought up again anywhere. That happens all the time in the series - and outside of the series - Rick can't possibly address every single point to confirm/deny everything from the books. That's what analysis is for! And that's why my blog exists 👍

#pjo #riordanverse #nico di angelo #autistic nico #analysis #ask #Anonymous #long post // #tone indicator just to be sure cause i know i used a lot of italics: this is all non-agressive/not mad i prommy #im just very passionate about this topic (coding & fandom concepts surrounding ''canon'' + death of the author) #also controversial opinion cause i know some people have talked about wanting the use of the r-slur in SoM censored #but i think it should stay because. well. yeah no that was still very commonly used in 2006 #trust me i heard it a lot. i was there. in fact it was commonly used after that point. for awhile. #it wasnt until like a bit into the 2010s iirc that campaigns started to go ''hey maybe. dont use that word.'' #like that was RECENT #and yeah! these books are not old! TLT is only just coming up on 20 years. thats not super old for a book! #and yeah! that term was considered a-okay terminology to be used in a middle grade book in 2006! which is startling to think now! #but that's also why it's important to not erase that #because otherwise you forget that up until very recently that word was considered Perfectly Acceptable #and in SoM it's even specifically acknowledged to be used in a hurtful way! Percy is actively condemning it! #like. dont put it in the show or whatever. obviously. replace it with a different indication/coding to explain Tyson's struggles #not that i think Disney would put the r-slur in their show. but like. dont erase it from the book??? from 2006?????? #i am frightened to see how the show will handle tyson though. its not gonna go well i can feel it in my bones #anyways man i should post that excerpt from A Separate Peace though #just cause that scene has lived in my brain rent-free for years

[kouyou-arc-when]

Hey, this is a great ask and I am so sorry for not replying earlier. I am responding like this because I actually broke the character limit since I'm dumb -_- I've written a lot of posts about this on reddit, and many people came up to me and asked me something similar. Your line of thinking is good. Regarding Dazai:

So, the thing is - to properly diagnose any personality disorder, you need to talk to that very person to understand their inner mechanisms. There are certain behavioral traits we can observe from the outside and make some guesses based on that: for example, Dazai's broadly dented empathy and why that's often found in people with ASPD.

However, for many other personality disorders it is very difficult to conclude much without the person saying ~I feel x because of y. I do c because of b.

Why? Personality disorders are internal structures that cause a person's behavior to be challenging to either them or others. To understand these mental processes is much more demanding than seeing a person just feels sad or anxious, to explain it simplistic terms.

The key behind many disorders is to know WHY a person is doing what they're doing. This one thing changes whether a person has x,z,y,t,n or whatever condition.

An example: BPD and CPTSD are often mistaken for one another. Same as with BPD, CPTSD, Autism and ADD in women, but BPD and CPTSD tend to have the largest "overgap", you can even have both at the same time. That's because many of the outside observable symptoms are the same.

An example: unstable relationships are a symptom of ALL of the above, but BPD is sort of...an outdated PD according to many specialists due to the fact that it was used as an "everything" disorder, where people with socially unconventional emotions were dumped. That's why you'll find two people with BPD that are almost nothing alike.

However, even if we hold to classic diagnostic criteria, let me show how the same symptom can be a product of entirely different circumstances.

For example: Someone with BPD will have unstable relationships due to an extreme fear of abandonment. Someone with Autism may have unstable relationships due to differences in communication styles Someone with ADHD will have unstable relationships due to various circumstances: emotional regulation, executive functioning etc.

So really, the outward result may be the same, but the cause is different.

However, now, typically the main reason someone could have BPD is either due to extreme splitting, favorite person behavior, numbness and/or abandonment issues.

Dazai 100% has "favorite person" syndrome going on with Oda - the way he idealized Odasaku and then devalues everyone around him in comparison is pretty clinical - doesn't mean their relationship isn't lovely, but it's certainly something a therapist would take note of.

It's no shocker Dazai has unstable relationships, but we don't 100% know why he does what he does.

That's the whole thing Asagiri said - the character is meant to be like a donnut, where you don't really know what's in the middle - so it's extremely difficult to say which PD fits him for sure, probably even more difficult than the average neurodivergent character. In my opinion, several interpretations of Dazai are simultaneously valid due to the fact that you could assume multiple personal struggles within him, and come to a reasonable conclusion.

Does Dazai have abandonment issues? He says he always loses everything he wants, is EXTREMELY bitter over Ango, and definitely shows some levels of "splitting", especially in how he treats Oda vs Ango, Akutagawa vs Atsushi etc etc.

I'm pretty confident he has PTSD, and everything that comes with that. He certainly has a personality disorder too, due to the fact that a lot of his difficulties stem from his personality, and not just brain chemistry.

Kunikida says that most of his emotions "seem" like an act, which raises a lot of questions to what is even happening on the inside. Asagiri said Dazai is really only himself in front of people like Oda and Fyodor. That version of Dazai is...much less cheerful than with everyone else.

I don't personally think Dazai is autistic since he has a good hang on social cues and overall communication. Mamoru Miyano said PM Dazai was still learning to communicate with others back in his Dark Era days, but it wasn't that he couldn't do it - he was just not interested in learning it.

I feel like Asagiri gave Dazai this "unrealistic" trait of being primarily isolated because he's extraordinarily intelligent (which is not how geniuses tend to feel irl, most of the time) but I always feel like there is something more to it.

There is definitely some /disconnect/ between Dazai and "normal" people, where he doesn't fully seem to understand certain things, he falls short there. As someone who has CPTSD diagnosed, I get the impression he maybe has a similar thing going on as many of us: A extremely traumatic experience disrupted a lot of normal emotional and cognitive processes, and now he's both extremely hypervigilant and unable to snap out of that "shellshocked" state. He needs to "perform" conventionality, and being a normal person.

In one wan chapter, he "made a joke" that you start doing one bad thing after another, and suddenly you feel nothing at all. That's the trademark numbness in both CPTSD and BPD.

There was this TDIPUD moment where he talks about how a personality is just a bunch of unstable premises that survive to uphold the basic instincts of the human mind - but how it's easily destroyed for that reason. This is a scene where he tortures the guy, and I was like "wow, I really get it". Severe trauma can just destroy the very structure of your personality, because extreme pain just numbs everything within you. "You" as a person can't survive.

BPD is also related to an unstable sense of self - which could be connected to the former paragraph. Sometimes lowered empathy is also a byproduct of BPD, in fact, the thing is that both BPD and CPTSD come from trauma 99% of the time. They're shockingly similar disorders.

So, does Dazai have BPD? No idea. He could also be schizoid to some extent, which is funny, because Franz Kafka had this disorder, the author that inspired Asagiri's nickname.

For now, I'd just leave at he has CPTSD for sure

Most of these disorders are very broad descriptors, and it's difficult to label most humans in a way that will genuinely encompass what their experiences are. Most of the time, these diagnostics are used to match a person with the best treatment available, or to explain what they're going through - so I don't think there is a perfect diagnosis for Dazai aside from PTSD, but he's definitely extremely neurodivergent. Thanks for reading <3

#bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bsd #dazai osamu #bsd dazai #dazai #ask

[alllgator-blood]

okkk wait this is the anon that sent an ask about autistic narinder and leshy hc 😅 i retract my statement they're all autistic 🤯🤯🤯🤯

I WAS LITERALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF ANSWERING THAT ASK TO SAY "I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE ALL AUTISTIC" BEFORE THIS ONE GOT SENT IN, I was two sentences in so your comedic timing was impeccable actually

I know there's like no evidence in-game to back my claims so this is purely a vibe check (and also me being unable to write for neurotypical characters) but yeah no I 100% feel like all the bishops have autism for some reason. They definitely express it in different ways and I was actually thinking about that in the car ride back home tonight??

SEMI-DETAILED HC EXPLANATIONS BELOW THE CUT

For leshy, I feel like since he's the youngest...when he came along, everyone was like "yep. We don't even need to get this one tested" after seeing him in his natural element. Which sounds cruel but that's just personal experience after people in my family started getting diagnosed and we started noticing things about each other better LMAO. I kinda actually designed my iteration of him to be like a big stim toy, I did that shitpost sketch in the last post but even the first time I drew him I was like "this dude is made out of orbs that make satisfying noises when they click together", so if I had to categorize the way his neurodivergency manifests, it's definitely "I NEED TO MOVE AROUND!! RIGHT FUCKING NOW!! MAYBE SCREAM A LITTLE IDK IT JUST FEELS RIGHT!!"

Heket is for sure the one that fights the most against people labelling her with it, just because she's like I'M SO NORMAL GUYS. LOOK HOW NORMAL I AM. LOOK HOW WELL I CAN ADAPT TO CHANGE AND LOOK AT ME NOT FREAK OUT AT ALL WHEN I'M OUT OF MY ELEMENT!! She's the new leader of the family so she does her best to hold it together but if you make plans with her, she's gonna be in Waiting Mode as soon as the plans are made and might tear you limb from limb if you flake or reschedule. Something my therapist told me recently is that me getting absurdly upset over injustices (small or big) is likely directly related to being autistic, so if heket feels like something is wrong she will absolutely be vocal about it. If someone says something mean to her, they are her fucking arch nemesis from that point on. The block button is NOT enough she wants them DEAD

For narinder, I feel like he maybe bonded a lot with shamura over the fact both of them feel pretty disconnected from everyone else? The way his autism manifests is probably the feeling that he's on a completely different wavelength than everyone else, and can't experience empathy the same way his siblings can. He'll like have conversations with people but it feels like someone just talking at him, and him having to mentally choose the dialogue options that make the conversation end the quickest. He probably feels like a completely separate species from everyone else on more levels than just "I am a cat and you are not". I know this doesn't line up with my narinder art so far but I have a distinct characterization of him pre-schism that's completely different from post-schism. I feel like he also resented the other siblings for having the same condition as him but presenting so differently, he felt like he got the short end of the stick.

Kallamar........is a FREAk ABOUT TEXTURES. Bro will actually throw up if he has to eat or touch something gross. He would probably excuse himself to go hurl if he sees leshy combining everything on his plate and shovelling it into his face. I'M actually about to hurl just thinking about it. I have to have lotion on at all times or I freak out when I touch things with my hands, and I feel like kallamar needs to have that famous Cephalopod Mucus Layer in order to exist in his body without wanting to implode. Maybe even a special oil he formulates himself? I also feel like he probably has the most freakouts and has been left crying inconsolably + hyperventilating on the floor over something seemingly stupid MANY times, but shamura is understanding enough to be patient with him and not try to grab him or repeat phrases at him over and over.

LASTLY, SHAMURA DOESN'T THINK THEY HAVE AUTISM. They're like "I love my Neurodivergent Family :) can't relate tho" but all the siblings have unanimously agreed they have something going on up there, even before the TBI. I think they're very book smart, and have little file cabinets of their brain of stuff like "arthropod husbandry" and "dreamcatcher making techniques" but are totally clueless to how other people operate. They don't really know *why* people do the things they do; in my prequel AU thing, they gain most of their social knowledge through people watching rather than like...being normal and just knowing how to behave. Out of all the siblings, they've probably been told the classic phrase "but you don't look autistic!" the most LMAO

Also shamura 100000% has misophonia and that's the reason I didn't have them sitting at the table with the other siblings in the voidpunk comic I did of them. They love their family to death but they have to make the conscious decision to not shake baby leshy every time he loudly chokes down his dinner, so they just sit out meals and eat on their own time. If shamura was real I would build them a shrine and sacrifice my noise cancelling headphones cause idk if they have sound reduction methods in cotl world <3

I know autism kinda encompasses ALL of these traits and isn't something that can be categorized into "this one hates noises, this one needs to follow a schedule..." but I also don't want to just point at one bishop and go "YOU. YOU WILL BE MY VESSEL" because I'd never get to write all that I have in mind if only one character had it. There's definitely overlaps in symptoms between them but I just wrote down what I felt would be the most notable to that specific character. I've been wanting to do a comic about their special interests or the times they just like sync up and have a brain blast jimmy neutron moment, cause usually they're all over the place. I have literally never said the word "autism" so many times in my life I think I gotta cut it here, THIS IS SO LONG. I REALLY DID WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS THOUGH SO THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK GENUINELY. IDK IF YOU EXPECTED A SMALL ESSAY ON THIS BUT I WROTE ONE ANYWAY

#HEADCANON DUMP #LET'S FUCKING GOOOOO

[bettertwin1]

Hi, old follower here from before you had 100 followers. I've got a semi serious question for you.

When I first followed you, I got the impression that you were a RP blog, in the case where you would RP with your "brother" (bettertwin9000), so I followed the rules as such. But later on it seems that this blog is your persona? In terms of everything said to this blog is a personal question to you? It's a weird situation where people asking those intrusive questions make sense for a RP blog, but in a normal blog situation it makes it intrusive.

Tldr, I think many are confused if this is an RP blog or you having Leo as your persona, so can you confirm what this blog actually is?

OMG HI LONG TIME FOLLOWER!!

And, for the sake of things making a little bit of sense, as much as sense as we can manage, keep in mind that we have OSDD, we're a system-

PUTTING IT UNDER CUT CAUSE IT'S LONG 😅

At the start of the blog <- in which we were advertising it as a roleplay blog, it was being run by our host and partially by me though I had no clue what I was doing at the time and bettertwin9000 was being run by our partner <- (which btw, made for some strange asks)

We continued advertising it as a roleplay even when we began suspecting and having full breakdowns over the idea of being a system due to some little things and some big things and lots of research and therapy and blah blah BUT we kept going back on it cause tbh DID is a hard thing to accept and we didn't want it <- still don't

SO now I was trying to run the blog more all the while trying to keep us grounded, IGNORING the possibility of DID and thinking, nah, this is just a really bad cause of delusions and we NEED to get reality checked NOW.

But I ALREADY KNEW i'm not REALLY Leo from rottmnt, but I am him, I was formed from that guy, created? Idk. He made me in his own image type reference audio. WOW IM NOT EXPLAINING ANYTHING 😭😭 did I mention we have a tendency to overexplain <- but specifically for me in the case of explaining things that are hard to explain, ANYWHIZZLE.

We kept going back and forth, confirming and denying the conclusion "we have osdd" cause that's terrifying and while this was happening I was still trying to force us to post and interact and involve ourself in arcs for the sake of distraction from EVERYTHING happening irl and the blog kind of made it worse but in a light hearted way cause suddenly the asks became really gross, and I felt really gross.

Sure, maybe someone who was roleplaying Leonardo would have no trouble answering asks about dead relatives or near death experiences or villains that have physically harmed you and your 'siblings' or about my crippling inability to speak about feelings and whatever else people diagnosed me with on here but I was having trouble answering it, I was getting uncomfortable and I was feeling genuinely overwhelmed because everything that definitely would be great material for a roleplay account was making me just feel, bad. <- which wasn't great considering at the time, feeling bad was not something i could have been affording to do

SO at some point, I started putting boundaries, didn't explain why, just continued under the guise of hey, roleplay guy here, the intruvsive invasive asks about my family and my mental health and my anatomy is making me want to die so please stop andbonly ask fun stuff like idk, if i put salt in donnie's coffee sometimes and everyone was like, yes leonardo in unison.

Then I slowly started getting more adamant on pushing the narrative that I am LITERALLY Leo from the show cause pushing that seemed to really help with the questions, and then the roleplay blog became more like. A personal blog for some dude who happened to be a ninja turtle alter and it'd unfortunately gotten so out of hand that explaining this now kind of made us even more exhausted cause oh man, we might get fake claimed huh <- we had worse things to deal with, internet drama didn't need to be added to this.

Anyway, if you read through all that junk, i'm sorry 😭, but i think it helps explain why the impression of the blog is so confusing cause it was being run by two ppl, a host and an alter who were constantly trying NOT to be those things until pretty recently when we started accepting the fact that we have Osdd

SO TIMELINE.

The blog starts off as an rp blog by our host and I unbeknownst to us both

The blog is fun and we start gaining traction

We also start gaining more mental health problems and have a full breakdown multiple times on many different social medias

We push through to cope

We talk to the other blog runners who are systems <- (Mikey, Raph and at the time when their account was apart of this, April) and they kindly answer and guide us through some things

We start adding boundaries for my sake

We talk to other systems on other social media and they help us with more stuff

We talk to our therapist

We do a ton of research on top of old research we'd apparently already done before <- suddenly we have a long document with so much information

We tell no one about the discovery when we start accepting the possibility

More funny stuff ensue and personal life things happen <- #ONLYTHEREALONESKNOW!

The only announcement I ever make that i'm an alter are one off comments in tags or answers that I never address again until I make an intro post that says I'm an alter in a system

The blog is what now?

The blog is still a roleplay account. Sometimes, canceled arcs that we would have done would have been considered roleplay <- a canceled christmas arc. But usually, this is just a blog. Like, this is just a blog I use to entertain people and to get some of my thoughts out like a singlet would. It's both i guess, it's whatever I want it to be and whatever you guys consider it to be.

The blog is just, my blog, I don't know how else to explain it 😅😅

Also, Bettertwin9000 was pretty much going through the same thing at the time and fun fact, he is actually my "brother" cause he's a Donnie alter <- (yay!)

Shoutout to the host who has their own blogs that they never really post on! couldn't have done it without you! <- and the many kind individuals who gave us their research material and links and answered our questions and stuck w/ us through the most confusing part of OUR LIFE

Srry again if this didn't answer your question like at all by the way, i THINK it at least explained some things but you know 😭 SORRY IDK

#do i wanna use fandom tags #maybe #can other systems validate us btw cause i'll be honest I still think we are faking this #if anyone had similar experiences it'd be cool to read it #did osdd #osdd 1b #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt leo #rise leo #unpause rise of the tmnt #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt donnie #rise donnie #disaster twins #leo rottmnt

[sirfrogsworth]

So... I feel like the left-handed metaphor is a good tool for talking about trans folks.

But also... I am kinda sick of the left-handed metaphor.

It's a bit simplistic. It's overused as a gotcha. And it isn't a perfect metaphor because I don't think there is a huge increase in people identifying as trans because they are more accepted. I think it has more to do with easily accessible information.

Personally, I feel acceptance of being trans has seriously regressed since this fearmongering began. And people weren't learning that left-handedness was a thing all of a sudden. They just weren't smacked with a ruler anymore. It was purely a shift in acceptance, rather than a shift in available lefy info.

I also think people overstate the increase in trans identification. They talk about percentages like "a 3200% increase!" or whatever, but there are still only about 40,000 young people diagnosed with gender dysphoria every year. A lot of those "percentages" lump in all queer identities. And while a more reasonable estimate of a 200% increase might sound like a lot, that would still only be going from 20K to 40K young people. A better metric would be to show the percentage of all young people that are trans.

We've gone from 0.027% to 0.054% of 0-17 year old trans identifying people. From that perspective, the 200% increase seems rather quaint.

(I don't remember the time scale and a gender dysphoria diagnosis is not a super accurate census of young trans folks, but I am too tired to look all of that up. Hopefully you understand the point I'm trying to make.)

I don't really have a better metaphor to replace left-handedness. And it is still a great tool for trans 101 explanations. But I think it would be better to fight against the narrative that there is this huge increase in trans folks. Anti-trans folks are trying to make it seem like every kid in public school is trans now. They want the trans population to seem much bigger and scarier. And in reality, they want them to be the smallest group possible so they can't fight back.

Most people I know don't even have a single trans person in their life. And many others don't even know a trans person at all. It's definitely more than it used to be but way less than the scaremongering portrays.

This narrative is used to make it seem like every sports event has trans people competing and every school has 8 trans teachers and millions of kids are getting puberty blockers and genital surgeries.

But the NCAA has 130,000 women athletes. Estimates say about 100 are trans. Most schools have 0 trans teachers. Only about 1500 young people are put on blockers each year. And only a handful of 15-17 year olds have had any bottom surgery in like, all of history.

The trans population is just big enough to be horribly discriminated against by bigots, and just small enough to be nearly powerless to defend themselves without serious help from allies.

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

this should go without saying but “everyone can have ability to self advocate” and “everyone can self advocate right this second” are two different concept.

i say this even thought it sounds obvious because! see parents of nonspeaking level 3 autistic kid (but also adults) w high support needs say their kid don’t have functional communication, that they worried abt their offspring’s future—what happens if they die and not able to be here to take care of them anymore? their offspring dont have functional communication, can’t tell you anyone mistreated them abused them right now, and no idea if they will able to develop it in future.

and late diagnosed, lower support needs, and/or level 1, mostly speaking autistics come in very strong (many attack parents bc see “parent of autistic kid?” immediately think “ableist autism mom!!!”), accuse parents of not presuming competence, accuse parents of abuse, accuse parents prioritizing words over behavioral communication, accuse parents not listening to offspring’s behaviors. say “your child is self advocating, they can, don’t say they can’t!” or say or imply their child don’t self advocate right now because parents not do enough.

i’m all for presume competence. presume competence so so important. but, presume competence means “everyone can learn with proper support and accommodations, even if they may not seem like it on surface.” not “everyone have hidden skills they possess right this second everyone can do everything right now or eventually in the future!”

yes, most behavior is communication! (most not all bc tics, severe apraxia, etc). but the truth is behavior only goes so far. you can only communicate so much with behavior. even if other people presume every behavior as communication, may still misinterpret.

yes! you can argue screaming meltdown is communicating is self advocating! but screaming even two words “too loud! too loud! is different than screaming noises. in first scenario you immediately know what trigger meltdown! you immediately know what stimuli to remove! but the latter, just screaming noises—is it the noise? if it clothes scratchy? is it wrong spoon wrong plate? is it being interrupted? is it too many feelings?

“you can show them picture options and let them point! that is still self advocacy!” yes, but needing someone to provide you pictures is hardly same as able to go to pictures AAC yourself and select spontaneously.

not to mention that… the ability to know what you want to communicate, then go to pictures (whether app or physical printed), recognize what the pictures are, know what picture correlate to what you want communicate, have the motor skills and visual skills to pick the picture out of all the other pictures, then hand it to someone—all very basic skills taken for granted by most late diagnosed low support level 1 mostly speaking autistics. most probably never ever struggled with it. most probably don’t even realize so many nonspeaking kids and adults struggle with this. not everyone have ability to do this!! giving a nonspeaking minimally speaking person communication is not as simple as handing someone an AAC board and they magically can communicate.

what if what you want to communicate is not in picture?

all of these facts has become a taboo thing to admit in autistic circles.

and like i’m even nervous to say “everyone can have the ability to self advocate” because it’s such a extreme definitive generalizing sentence. who am i to make such a generalizing statement? do i know every possible manifestation of every possible disability that affect visual/motor/communication/cognition/etc? NO!

because you don’t know, because you are never sure, 100% presume competence. you never know. give them the chance to learn. see if any environmental factors are limiting them. try as much as you can.

but presume competence shouldn’t be weaponzied… not “if your child/client/etc unable to do this, you’re definitely bad abusive incompetent not doing enough all your fault” without nuance. sometimes it is the parent/professional/etc’s fault. sometimes it’s not.

a randomly selected nondisabled person, able bodied and neurotypical. learning to ski. not olympian champion. the parents are abusive, not providing them with all the lessons all the best equipment all the support? the coach are incompetent, not believing the person, not presuming competence, not believing they can be olympian champion? the equipment not the best in the world (even if best, not enough!!)!

#idk if i make sense i just started rambling #actually autistic #actuallyautistic #nonspeaking #nonverbal #aac device #aac user #high support needs #presume competence #loaf screm #long post

[reasonsforhope]

Thank you, stranger, for making this blog. You are truly a kind, beautiful soul. Thank you for existing for the world. Many of us appreciate you!!!! Thank you!!!!! /vvvvvvvgen

...now to me. I'm sorry for adding for your huge askbox as is, genuinely...

I naturally, without thinking, don't act like my real personality because it's been shunned dozens of times across my entire life. It's not fundamentally flawed (I know that, 100%--we all have flaws, ad I absolutely wasn't a terrible person for expressing them). Nonetheless, all I know is that the person I act like everyday of my life since I finally snapped and started doing this whole thing two years ago -- almost three -- is not who I really am. You know when you put on a shoe that, while your foot can fit inside and you can walk around just fine, you know it's just not your size because it doesn't feel right at all? That's me and my "personality"...people thought I was weird when I showed my genuine personality. I was just...pretty different than most. some comments I've got on my old personality:

"You're ...... Weird." (said with a thinly hid derogatory tone)

"Stop. You're not one of us."

"Why are you talking like that?"

"Sensitive. No one likes you."

And the one that finally made me snap:

"Stupid." (the person who said this then continued top he conversation as normal. Not acknowledging my stunned reaction.)

In addition, for a couple months I got treated like a dog. A literal dog.

I basically got treated like an outcast.

I know the personality I've left buried for so long has grown on its own, with me. It wasn't totally neglected and in fact is still here. It's just hidden behind this mask...which I can't take off. Because I literally don't know how. It's become such a habit to be someone else that I don't even fully, consciously know who I genuinely am today...it's hard. I hurt. A lot. I'm terrified of being vulnerable in any way, now. Just curled up in a shell.

...what am I to do? Where am I even going to begin? I feel lost. All I know, in the depths of my heart, that there is hope. There is always hope yet. That is something I've always known.

So what now? I'm scared, tired, and unsure. Is there anything I can do, anymore, at all? To figure out, and then be, who I know I am, deep down?

Thank you for reading, if you did. From the bottom of my heart--thank you. Thank you.

Sincerely,

#🎈🌠🐘

<3 <3 <3

Thanks so much <3 And fwiw for anyone wondering, it's not HUGE huge, I've got like 45 asks and dms to get to, but it still feels pretty big for me, a person who has def never had that happen before. Hoping to try to answer a batch of 2-4 of them on the weekends

Also, in terms of the rest of it.... Sorry if I'm overstepping, and definitely not to do that "diagnose people over the internet shit," but have you ever looked into whether you might be autistic or some other flavor of neurodivergent. Because as an autistic person, I see a Lot of my own experiences in what you've written

Regardless of whether you have or not, and whether you're autistic or not, I definitely know what it's like to deal with that kind of shit and bullying, and how trying to mask your own differences can twist you up inside. I had a problem with compulsively lying for a while in high school because of how ingrained "covering for myself" became - so I get how unsettling it feels when this shit becomes something you can't consciously control

Because there's so much overlap, I'd actually recommend looking into books and resources from the autistic community in masking and the difficulty of unmasking, regardless of whether you're autistic or not. A lot of the traumas are similar, too, so if you're at that level of "burying," I really think you'll be able to get something out of it no matter what

(This applies to anyone reading this who has also had to deal with that kind of shit or has found themselves doing something similar.)

Also, you should definitely look into trauma work (and "complex PTSD") and see if there's anything helpful to you there--there's a lot of really effective, evidence-based stuff out there about how to untangle your nervous system, because that kind of social rejection and isolation is absolutely/inherently traumatizing

Some Resources

Masking stuff:

Seven Steps to Unmasking as a Neurodivergent Person

What Is Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)? from Healthline

Autism Masking: To Blend or Not to Blend from Healthline

This is an assessment for social masking. It's written about autism, but I think a good amount of it would be applied to other types of masking like this.

Trauma stuff:

What Is Rejection Trauma? from TherapyMantra

Healing from Rejection Trauma from CPTSDFoundation.org

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk

What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo

And if none of that helps you...there's definitely a lot of other stuff out there. There's things like journaling, which are a huge help with this sort of thing. Figuring out who you are underneath it all takes time and feels super weird and it's not easy, but I have faith you can do it. Don't give up, just keep moving forward

#Anonymous #neurodiversity #trauma #cptsd #ask #me #advice #resources

[ballershifter]

THE CONTROVERSY OF SHIFTING

Everything is up to what you choose to believe.

"Reality is created by the mind. We can change our reality by changing our mind." - PLATO

In no way I am trying to convince anyone shifting is real (unlike others) or change your opinion on it. I just want to make a post :).

There is much controversy surrounding reality shifting. The constant misinforming videos made by big YouTubers and posts all across different social media platforms. Reality shifting got its debut on TikTok back in late 2019 - early 2020 during the start of the pandemic. If you were on TikTok during that time you may know of the videos and creators that went viral and ultimately started what we now know as shifttok. Since then, it has been an extremely hot topic in various communities.

Before we get started, I personally believe in the phenomenon that is shifting, so I'll try to keep my bias out of this.

Now there's multiple reasons why reality shifting gets so much shit, let's go through them:

1." It's psychosis", "Your delusional.", "Your schizophrenic."

These are all valid statements and concerns. The world 'reality' in reality shifting sticks out the most, but I don't feel the intentions are pure when it's being thrown out by anti-shifters and people who don't believe in shifting. Now the definition of schizophrenia I've pasted is from the American Psychiatric Association website. "Schizophrenia is a chronic brain disorder that affects less than one percent of the U.S. population. When schizophrenia is active, symptoms can include delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech, trouble with thinking and lack of motivation."

This brain disorder affects less than one percent of the population in the United States. I probably won't get an accurate number off Google but the population in the United States is millions. So, less than 1% of people out of millions and unless you're a licensed psychiatrist with a degree, it's absolutely not okay for you to go diagnosing people with a disorder you know nothing about. Shifting shouldn't be labeled as any disorder/illness/condition. You should absolutely go get a diagnosis from a professional.

Now I 100% think we should be talking more about how shifting can affect one's mental health especially in a community full of impressionable minors and people who badly want to escape. Particularly when its bordering obsession and affecting your mental health in bad ways.

2. "It's not scientifically proven."

Give me an example of anything that has to do with consciousness that has been scientifically proven. When everything science related has always had to do what can be physically seen. Can you see consciousness? The most that can be done is observed behavior and even then, that's not really reliable. This is something you have to experience and come to your own conclusions about. Our minds are beyond powerful and unexplored.

No one knows how astral projection or OBE works. You're just given steps on how to do it, that worked for others and keep attempting until it happens. Shifting also can't be explained you have to experience it. Logic and reason seem to be the main focus when it comes to shifting but it can't be as there's no logical way to explain this. Similarly to how one can only describe the taste of something to someone who's never tasted it, but to really understand they'd need to taste it themselves.

3. "It's lucid dreaming."

That's actually a realistic possibility. There's something called reality checks within the lucid dreaming community. You do them in dreams to determine whether you're dreaming or not to become lucid. Therefore, if you think you're dreaming, you can do a reality check.

Shifting is not something that can only transpire while asleep. Countless people have shifted while awake. From my standpoint being able to experience this while awake lessens the odds it is dreaming.

Another thing I find interesting that is possibly linked to shifting. People who have gone to sleep and "dreamed" of a life where they got married, had kids, and lived for years. They wake up mourning said life which they presumed to be real but was just a dream maybe it was, or it wasn't🤷🏾‍♀️. They never thought it was all a dream until they woke up. That example could give you the evidence to further disbelieve in shifting or not. Either way it's an interesting take.

Also, some people still don't believe lucid dreaming is real.

I think antis/non-believers take the shifting part literally; you're not physically going anywhere (nobody's walking to Hogwarts lmao.)

People are able to get into/enter altered states of consciousness through meditation, hypnosis, dreaming, etc. Reality shifting is an altered state of consciousness.

We've been conditioned to believe certain things about reality and our role in it. Our consciousness has become accustomed to what our senses perceive every day, what you smell, touch, taste, feel, and see. So, by deciding to see, hear, taste, feel something else perhaps you could consciously end up somewhere else. This experience is all within and not external which is why many have a hard time believing it can be done and confuse it with being hallucinations, delusions or just dreaming.

I find it ludicrous how some people outright reject/criticize the idea of shifting but believe in other things like astral projection, witchcraft, or manifestation when you all face that same scrutiny from others(non-believers) about said practices. Not that I'm trying to convince anyone, but obviously you can be a bit open-minded, so I'm confused.

Now if you want to have a civilized discussion that's different but outright bashing with no knowledge is crazy.

Furthermore, if antis/non-believers could please stop referencing Hogwarts and Harry Potter (which was a big thing in 2020 when shifting first went viral) or generalizing shifting as a TiktTok/teenage girl thing🤦🏾‍♀️. When there is a huge community of people from all backgrounds and ages across all these platforms. Please get your opposing arguments or information from any other source besides TikTok or articles that were written in 2020.

At the end of the day, it's all up to what you choose to believe and your own experiences. So, if you don't believe in shifting then so be it. It takes nothing to be respectful.

#reality shifting #shiftblr #shifting #witchcraft #out of body experience #spirituality #shifting realities #anti shifters #shifting community #reality shifter #permashifting #desired reality #self belief #astral projection #shifting dicussion

[thewindowsystem]

Woooooo psychiatry hot take time!!!

I'm just gonna say it, I'm pro (educated) self diagnosis atleast to a degree, although my reasons don't apply to all places in the world so keep that in mind.

I come from a country with a massive issue with a lack of medical professionals ESPECIALLY in my city, it's not uncommon to find hospitals that are dangerously understaffed, the only hospital in my city of almost one million people has one emergency unit with typically only around 9 people and the wait times for urgent care on the LEAST busy days are 9-10 hours if you're lucky. And for any kind of medical problem physical or mental even if you have money for something like specialised care you will still most likely have to go a two day drive just to find someone who isn't fully booked. People are dying because of this crisis even those on disability insurance and nothing is really being done about it.

I was born sick and have been going through this medical system my entire life, and another issue I have noticed due to that is incredibly wide spread because in my country especially, doctors are basically being taught they shouldn't believe afab people who are looking for help. It is to a point where 1 third of the afab people who have managed to finally get a booking in with a doctor, some travelling for litteral days just for some kind of help have been dismissed or straight up turned away due to sexism. The likely hood of being turned away increases significantly if you are POC.

People often forget that diagnosis isn't an end goal, it's not just a label for the sake of a label, it's a tool. A tool to help you navigate and approach recovery. And yes the ideal situation is to have a good doctor who can help you navigate that process but unfortunately that's not the case for all of us. Through educated self diagnosis (often through years of constant study) as a afab POC I managed to accurately and safely self medicate for pretty much all of my current diagnosed conditions on average 5 years before I managed to get a doctor to even CONSIDER checking. (The only acception to this is ADHD because I was like 7 when I got that diagnosis)

I'm sick of seeing people getting lectured for trying to help their selves in the time being because currently medical care isn't available to them. I hate the idea that you shouldn't even try digging into your mental health problems or even recognise they exist until you get the magical approval of a medical professional because speaking from experience those ideas HELD ME BACK in my recovery because I thought that researching my issues automatically made me a faker and when I did finally get a psychologist and they asked if I already had an idea of what the issue was I refused to give them any of my own extensive work I had done myself that could have sped up my diagnostic process tenfold. Even though the effects of self medicating have been incredibly beneficial to my recovery previously

Obviously you need to approach it safely and carefully, you definitely shouldn't try and speak for or over people who are clinically diagnosed etc but I feel like the idea that self diagnosis is inherently harmful 100% of the time is flawed and although yes you will undeniably get things wrong while trying to self medicate so do the actual medical professionals themselves! It's apart of the process and I do recognise how beneficial having a professional to help you is (and if you have the option to do that you definitely should) but I feel like it's rather damaging to brush off those who don't have access too those recourses and simply insist they just deal with it.

Honestly self diagnosis and self medicating saved my life by not only giving me something to hold on and work on while waiting to get medical care but it is the entire reason why I am clinically diagnosed today

Obviously this isn't a data filled analysis on the effects of self diagnosis this is just my opinion mainly rooted from my own life experience so don't take it as some factual information piece please. I might make a continuation to this if anyone has any questions about my thoughts on the topic.

#traumagenic system #dissociative system #sysblr #system #traumagenic did #actually did #did osdd #did system #actually traumagenic #actually dissociative #childhood ptsd #complex ptsd #ptsd recovery #actually ptsd #traumatized #trauma survivor #childhood trauma #psychology #mental health #therapy #syscourse

[xxbl00d-st4rxx]

I know it’s weird but I get such euphoria from having cisIDS. Like the idea of me being ‘Cisgenderfluid’ and ‘cisautistic’ and ‘cisMaDD’ that I AM genderfluid, and I AM autistic and I AM a daydreamer definitively for sure absolutely 100% diagnosable (even though 2 of those things aren’t even diagnosable from what I remember), feels nice. Just using the labels itself is freeing snd enjoyable too- but there’s still room for doubt. There’s still room to drop the labels because it’s not correct. The prefix cis doesn’t leave that kinda wiggle room like no prefix or ‘trans’ does. Saying this is me- I am the way I was born and this is how I was born just like how cisgender people are but with all these other things that aren’t just gender.

It does kind of irk me now seeing cisgender used because like wtf is gender bro wdym you’re genitals assigned you a personality and identity that’s kinda wack. My boy cooter told me I was whatever I felt like and that suggestion felt right; ultimately I will kick it in its ass and call it a bitch if it tells me what to do yknow?

#*✨ starlight screaming #rq 🌈🍓 #transid #pro rq 🌈🍓 #rqc🌈🍓 #transplural #radqueer

[languageshead]

Special interests are not always good

My goal on this website is not to say that autism is all bad or the worst thing in the world. My goal is to: 

1. Share my experiences and listen to people with higher support needs because we are mostly left out and unheard;

2. Spread awareness. A lot of autism traits are human traits, but in order to be diagnosed with autism your traits must cause you impairment. If they don’t, it’s not autism. 

Now, I have already made a post about one of my special interests (Katy Perry) and how it affects me:

https://www.tumblr.com/languageshead/713712598521118720/about-my-last-post-and-the-severity-of-my-autism?source=share

But I want to get a little bit more into that subject. 

A special interest for me is the only way I can connect with the world. I feel like I live on another planet and the only thing that connects me with the rest of the world are special interests. 

But a special interest isn’t always good. I can only and will only speak about my special interest in conversations. I cannot have a conversation with someone who does not understand Linguistics or Katy Perry. I simply don’t know what to say, don’t know how to contribute to the conversation and will not be interested enough to pay attention to it. Often times I am not interested in learning about any other things that is not related to Linguistics and Katy Perry and some other subjects I enjoy. 

Often times, I am unable to have relationships with people that don’t want to hear about my special interest or with people who know nothing about it. Because 90% of my conversations are about my SIs, if you cannot teach me anything about it, I will often lose interest in having any kind of relationship with you. I am genuinely not interested in you if you cannot give me any more information about my SI. That is one of the reasons why I can have better relationships with adults/professors/teachers than with people my age. I like it when people tell me more about my SI. 

When I engage in talking about my SI, I get so excited that I will spend my whole energy talking about it. It comes to a point where I am so excited that my heart is racing and my palms are sweating and I can barely breathe because I am so excited. It drives me to absolute exhaustion and if someone doesn’t stop me, it’s likely that I go into shutdown because of it. This also happens when I am researching or watching videos, I get so excited that I need to stop whatever I am doing to regulate myself from all the emotions I am feelings. Autistics can get overwhelmed by good and bad emotions, which means that even happy feelings can drive me into a meltdown because I feel things so strongly that I can’t control or properly regulate my emotions. 

As some of you might know, I am in Uni in a special program for people with disabilities and sometimes I really need to focus about something I am learning but I can’t. This has gotten me taken out of class because I get so excited I start stimming, breathing hard so I bother other students. A lot of times I need to stop studying for my classes because I get so excited that I simply cannot stay still and continue learning. This really affects my performance as I need to regulate my emotions before going back to my projects and assignments. 

Besides that, specially when special interests occur in people or fictional characters this can cause a lot of suffering to the person. When I was on my early teens, I was obsessed with Lexa from the tv show The 100 and as most of you know she dies. When she died, I had a full blown meltdown in the middle of the night because the show in my country streamed at around 1AM. I mourned the death of a character as if she were a member of my family and I’ve had members of my family die that I definitely did not mourn anywhere near as I mourned for that character. 

As I have already mentioned before, Katy Perry has been my strongest and longest special interest along with Linguistics. And if you read my other post you might understand this better, but I absolutely cannot comprehend Katy Perry is a famous person that simply can’t text me back. My therapist believes this inability has to do with both my autism and language impairment. I am 21 years old now, I understand this better, but not really. When I was on my teens my mom would have to explain to me multiple times a week that Katy wasn’t ignoring me or our letters. She was just famous. This causes suffering to me. This is hard. It’s like trying to make your brain understand a foreign language.

I know there are many other bad experiences about special interest, specially because some people might engage in stalking, difficulties with boundaries and unhealthy behaviors. But I can’t talk about this because this is not my experience. 

I also know there are many good sides to special interests. The joy we feel is really important to me. Small things can make me really happy, like being able to make a small correct sentence in Hebrew. But I am tired of hearing about this because this is always talked about. There is another side to having a SI that people don’t talk about. This is the side I want to show. 

EDIT: forgot to add that not every interest is a special interest. Special interest is usually something that lasts for a long time that helps you cope and understand the world. Autistics can have interests that are not special interests.

#autism #autism spectrum disorder #actuallyautistic #autism level 2 #special interest

[xerith-42]

~cha cha slides into the room~

May I ask about some shadow knight angst or shadow king angst ?????? Also thanks for sharing your OC you’re very passionate about them and it’s good to see writers happy about their creations.

~Cha cha slides out of the room~

First off, I'm so glad you enjoyed my endless ramblings about her. I am so passionate about this character I forgot I made her an entire pin board that's fokin massive, so feel free to breeze through that if it's to your liking.

Now for some Shadow Knight angst... [friendly reminder I am not a mental health expert, most of what I touch upon in this post comes from wikipedia deep dives and personal experiences. DO NOT take any of what I say here as professional advice or diagnoses, I am literally just a freakazoid on the internet]

Something I've definitely ruminated on but never made a coherent post about is how shadow knights probably struggle a LOT with derealization/depersonalization. I mean, both of them are potential symptoms one might experience after prolonged trauma, stress, or anxiety like say being dragged into literal hell and raised into undeath and then forced to kill that which you love most. Furthermore, if Gene fucked with their memories at all then they have even more doubts. And on top of all of that the time distortion from the Nether makes it even harder to know what's real or not. How can you be sure of what's real and what isn't if you don't even know how long you've been gone from the overworld?

I imagine Vincent and Gene struggle with it the most. Both of them have been very direct puppets for the Shadow King, Gene especially, and likely struggle with the feeling of their body not being their own. Sometimes Gene is feeling perfectly fine, just his usual self, but then something... changes. He isn't sure what or why, but the world is blurry and he can't feel his own breathing and his body feels limp but he can see it still moving. He keeps speaking but his voice doesn't sound like his own, at least internally.

Vincent learned to deal with this... problem on his own. He says he's been alive for 100 years, but even he's unsure of that number. He's been around for a long time, and sometimes the things he says aren't true to the time he's in anymore. Technology and understanding changes, and while he can keep up with it sometimes, other times he can't. He'll ask about the latest news from O'Khasis and have to come to terms with the fact that the head family he once knew no longer exists, only survived by their descendants he doesn't know. It sometimes feels like he came from a completely different time and place. He's pretty sure he didn't jump timelines/realities, but he can never know for sure. Not when everything is so... off.

While someone might call it "spacing out", Laurance is in fact having a completely silent mental breakdown about his lack of control over his own life. This goes double if I smack him with the headcanon that he's Xavier's reincarnation and therefore also gets his memories sometimes. It's not that Laurance is just spacing out or his head is up in the clouds, he's literally questioning whether he even belongs in his own body because it doesn't feel like his own anymore. These scars aren't his, his hands are shakier than they used to be, and he can't even tell if his wants and desires are his own because who knows what's the Calling, what's Xavier, and what's his own memories.

Sasha gets a glimpse at how Meteli has changed since the last time she was there and it's all wrong. None of the buildings she remembers are there, none of the guards she once knew remain, even Cadenza looks different. It makes her wonder if she ever lived there in the first place. If the Meteli she remembers was even a real location at all, or something Gene or The Shadow King put into her head. And if she isn't from Meteli, where is she from? Is she even from anywhere? Is she even of this world? Did she even have a life before becoming a Shadow Knight? The only thing that tethers her to reality is Kenmur, but he'd rather forget she existed. Maybe she shouldn't exist.

Zenix can't even remember when or how he answered his calling. He can't remember who he killed or why. He can't remember the life he had before he met Garroth and moved to Phoenix Drop. Did he even have a life before he met Garroth? Did he even have a life before becoming a shadow knight? Is he even a full shadow knight? There's a blood lust that's ever present in his person, but he can't tell if it's his own or someone else's. Is this blood lust the calling? Or Gene's? Or the Shadow King's? Or maybe he's always been a bad person who wanted to do bad things and was just looking for an excuse. It's this kind of spiral that eventually pushes Zenix to rebel. He doesn't know who he was, or even who he is, just who he wants to be. That's the closest thing to sanity that he can hold onto.

That's all I got. For now...

~Cha cha slides out but I trip over my own feet and eat shit in the doorway~

#minecraft diaries #text post #aphblr #aphverse #mcd headcanons #laurance zvahl #minecraft diaries laurance #mcd sasha #mcd gene #mcd vincent #mcd zenix #answering asks #shadow knights #mcd laurance

[97ify]

ʬʬ﹕ MEET THE DRiVER .ᐟ

BENJi or JENNA ORTEGA’s REAL GF (CANON) ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⌁ nineteen. he!xe. puerto rican. your typical mean lesbian !

⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀˖ ࣪⭑

⠀ ❝ shut the actual fuck up before i raw dog your mom. ❞

personal shit ! ☆

ABOUT JJ ✦ professional milf fucker. graphic design major. aspiring sugar momma. uzui tengen’s doppelgänger (i have so many wives fr). irl ava ayala (100%). miles morales’ actual cousin (real). venom's real life best friend (aside from eddie ofc). certified makima & himeno hater. diagnosed BPD pill popper. eren's biggest bully (so real it's canon). soul’s guardian. denji’s sibling. quanxi’s fifth gf (not clickbait).

MY ACCOUNT ✦ is for hispanic/latines that never see themselves in either oc's or readers, mainly because they're always white and don't have culture. it is also for my tall girls (i'm only 5'6, but tall women are everything) who never get representation in media, aside from the tall girl movie where they weaponized her height until the last 30 mins of that god forsaken film. so if you're one of the two, or even both, then my account is definitely for you love.

my beloveds ! ☆

ANIMANGA(S) ✦ attack on titan. god of high school. jujutsu kaisen. classroom of the elite. soul eater. chainsaw man. blue lock. gangsta. tokyo revengers. haikyuu. demon slayer. death note. hunter x hunter. sailor moon. angels of death.

COMFORT LOSER(S) ✦ takemichi hanegaki. michael afton. yuji itadori. denji hayakawa. suzune horikita. mikasa ackerman. mori jin. black star. meguru bachira. nicolas brown. aran ojiro. suma uzui. misa amane. killua zoldyck. usagi tsukino. isaac foster.

vibin’ things ! ☆

PLAYLIST ✦ bts. piwon. e'last. ateez. txt. le sserafim. new jeans. twice. xdinary heroes. onlyoneof. wonho. jiae. monaleo. megan thee stallion. flo milli. glorilla. kehlani. young m.a. ski mask the slump god. d4vd. kali uchis. joji. mitski. rae sremmurd. bad bunny. daddy yankee. melanie martinez. pierce the veil. zion & lennox. hector & tito. selena. a boogie.

MI FAVORITAS ✦ women. milfs. racing (fast cars). music. drawing. coloring. writing. reading. the color pink. dogs. cats. embracing and getting educated on my culture. kpop. watching kdramas. video games. maladaptive daydreaming. anime. mangas. manhwas. horror movies. slashers. lesbians.

⠀ ✿ 。 ׄ ׅ 𝟶𝟶 ׄ 𓈒 : 𝟶𝟶 ꞌꞋ ۪ ׄ ﹏

mis escribe ! ☆

BASIC STUFF ✦ i always write tall (6'2), indigenous taíno puerto rican oc's for my stories. only time i won't is when a request specifically asks for an unlabeled reader, or a specific type of reader that doesn't correlate with my typical one.

WARNINGS Y DISCLAIMERS ✦ i am obviously lesbian (if you still couldn't tell), so a majority of my writings will be for female characters and/or non-male characters. however, whenever i DO do an x male character book or oneshot, it'll either be a request from a mutual or because it's one of my favs.

mi personalidad ! ☆

MY ATTITUDE ✦ i am very blunt and honest, when it's needed. i try my best not to be sarcastic all the time online cause i am in real life and it's caused too many altercations for my liking, especially since i don't like people. if i sense something is off, i'll tell you. if you did something wrong, i'll tell you, so i expect the same in return. but aside from that, i try my best to be as nice as possible, especially to others with similar interests.

DISORDERS ✦ i have both ADHD & BPD (recently diagnosed with BPD) and i'm still trying to adjust to it, and the medicine. furthermore, i have moments where i "split" which means i won't want to interact, talk, or even do anything. i become a state of wanting nothing to do with anyone; friends, family, no one. so when that does happen, i will put my account on lockdown and won't be active until it's over, which usually lasts a few days.

➷ TO ADD ONTO THAT . . . whenever i take my ADHD medicine, it usually makes my splitting worse due to the symptoms of the medication, and also makes my anger issues insufferable. the only reason i'm making these publicly known is because i've learned from my mistakes in the past about not alerting people of them and it causing problems in the future.

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#✶ .ᐟ navigation #✶ .ᐟ 97ify navi #✶ .ᐟ about me

[the-black-dragons-den]

seeking advice if you have experience with cannabis cessation, addiction recovery, substance use disorder, and/or mental health issues, specifically depression, anxiety, and/or borderline personality disorder

tldr; I have to quit cannabis and i'm having a hard time because of my mental health symptoms, specifically being irritable as fuck and i need help/advice on how to get a handle on that

even if you don't have any advice for me, please reblog

background info:

so i've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder (highly treatment resistant), generalized anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder.

for the past several years, i've been using cannabis quite effectively to combat the various symptoms of my mental health diagnoses. but in my state, you can't get a medical marijuana card for mental health diagnoses.

i'm starting a trade training program soon, and it's free, and part of the requirement is to be drug-free, including cannabis, since it's still federally illegal. it's not like a "fail-once-you're-out" kind of thing (for cannabis), it's that over a series of drug tests, your levels have to start going down, and they want you clean by the 3rd week of the program.

the program starts at the beginning of september. i've had one drug test at orientation that I definitely failed, but i've been reducing my intake dramatically. used to smoke several bowls a day and in the course of a month, i've gotten myself off of flower entirely. i hit a concentrate pen a couple times a day, and i'm weaning myself off of that too.

lucky for me the withdrawal symptoms from cannabis are basically the mental health symptoms i use cannabis to combat

the difficulty:

i've definitely been feeling the effects of lessening my intake. the anxiety hasn't been too much of an issue but the depression is creeping in. however. i have lived in the pit of depression and anxiety for so long that that stuff doesn't even worry me any more. i'll be able to deal with that okay. i've also come too fucking far with my mental health to give up now, depression is a weak bitch and i've grown strong.

what i'm struggling with is a particular symptom of the BPD. overreactive emotions, particularly irritation. i get irritated by. the littlest things.

like if someone's rude to me (or if i perceive it that way). or if someone's going under the speed limit. or when they stock the shelves too full at the store and stuff falls on me while i'm working. or not getting enough sleep. when someone in the apartment parking lot thinks the "no back-in parking" rule doesn't apply to them. the AC being broken in my car, during our fucking 90 degree summer. little stuff.

it sticks into my brain like a metaphorical porcupine spine and it lives there the rest of the day. and by the end of the day i have like 85 porcupine spines in my brain and i'm ready to lose my shit. it feels, in a way, like my brain is on fire - raw and exposed and vulnerable and like the tiniest thing is going to make it melt entirely.

this is going to sound like an overreaction (but hey that's BPD for you) but i feel like the world has been designed to be sandpaper against my brain, and i'm not allowed to show any signs of discomfort. i am doing my best to put into words how fucking uncomfortable it is for me to live like this, and the words do not feel like enough.

being 100% sober from cannabis is actual hell for me, because the cannabis is the only thing i've been able to find that calms that rage, the irritation, the frustration. it lets the porcupine spines slide out. it puts out the flame and puts a balm on the raw, sandpapered embodiment of my resilience.

this morning i had a tough morning. slept terribly, woke up sweaty and cold, had the worst headache of my life last night. the meat we set out (in the fridge) to thaw for the crockpot didn't thaw. went to work exhausted. aforementioned overstocked-things-fall-on-me. scanner shits out 45 minutes into my day. customers asking me for things when i clearly am not an actual store employee. that's like 8 porcupine spines by 9 am. by the time i had my break, i was overwhelmed, totally pissed off, totally irritated, just rage-swirling in my brain. on my break, i took a hearty puff from my concentrate pen. and then. i was fine. for pretty much the rest of the day. like irritations still came up but they didn't stick like they did before, they rolled off much easier. because that's what cannabis does for me.

but i don't get to use cannabis to de-rage anymore. and that's the problem.

the advice/help i need:

suggestions for handling irritation in the moment so it doesn't get to the point of being overwhelming, therapy tricks, etc

suggestions on anything natural i can take or introduce into my diet that will help with the withdrawal

suggestions on how to avoid going back to cannabis (and therefore blowing my chance for this program)

basically any anger management suggestions

i really ought to get back into therapy, but since i'm not working while i'm taking the class, i can't super afford therapy right now

this is a sincere plea. most people think i'm a really nice person and they don't realize that it's because i'm on at least a little bit of cannabis almost all the time. without it, i'm such a bitch, and not because i want to be a bitch but because i feel like my brain is getting clawed to pieces and i just react, because, BPD.

anything you've got. help. please.

#personal #addiction recovery #borderline personality disorder #cannabis #weed #mental health #smoking cessation