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meichenxi · 3 years

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Hey, could I ask you how you do shadowing? Like the different ways you do it? You mentioned in your tag that shadowing is good and I'd love to hear how you do it! I do not attempt shadowing much so I don't really know what helps, etc. ToT (my studyblr is rigelmejo)

Hellooo! Thank you for the interesting question!

Tbh I think I do it fairly basically - I don’t use any particularly fancy software, but software like Language Learning with Netflix has certainly made it easier. There’s a whole video on how to get the most of it here: [on mobile, link didn't work - How to study Chinese with Netflix! by Chinese Zero To Hero] (I’d recommend checking out all of their videos actually, they’ve done a bunch of livestreams recently and they place a lot of emphasis on shadowing + the course they are trying to sell you is…actually phenomenally good)

(Also, I have to preface this by saying that I have been very lucky in terms of pronunciation: I learnt about 80% of my current vocabulary by ear without characters or pinyin. I have been in China for eight months in total, and while I didn’t speak Chinese for all of that, I was constantly soaking in info on natural sentence intonation. I still often don’t know officially what the tone of a vocabulary item is, especially if it changes tone like 教, 为 or 相, but I don’t get yelled at so I have definitely internalised a lot of those changes. I definitely would have more trouble with this if I hadn’t had that experience - my other areas are waaaay weaker because of this though- my reading SUCKS lmao and I can literally handwrite about ten characters)

Anyway. How I shadow:

1) Quite simply by playing the line, and repeating it with all the emotion it has!! I usually use Netflix or Viki for this. I try to do it as fast as possible, and if I can’t do the whole thing, I ‘chunk’ it: if I were doing the sentence 我们还不知道他会不会来, I would start from the end with 他会不会来, then 不知道他会不会来, and then the whole sentence. Notice that this isn’t breaking it down into words or even grammatical phrases, but intonational phrases: it would be perfectly sensible to just do 会不会来 without the 他 but realistically, since this is a question, it’s likely that a strong stress will be placed on the first 会, and you wouldn’t be able to replicate that without also included the more weakly stressed syllable before.

2) I locate (intentionally or subconsciously) the main locus of stress within the sentence, and I focus on that accordingly. Tones may become less extreme if they are not stressed, and may become more exaggerated if stressed. This is always a good exercise. I accompany this with physical actions - I throw my hands down, I sigh, I groan!

3) I put away the text, and don’t look at the tones or even my computer screen - more on this below.

4) Finally, when I think I’ve got it reasonably accurate, I’ll record them speaking the line into my phone with an appropriate pause for copying and play it back to myself at various points throughout the day.

5) I then go and find other words with the same tone contour to slot in, and copy it again. After that, I find words that are slightly different tonally and pop them in too.

6) I finally do fun things like hold a conversation with myself. This can be really simple phrases imbued with some kind of emotion - 这个女子到底是谁呀？为什么不认识我？应该是新手吧。You can do this either really informally, or very formally, or both - trying to speak in the latter way is very fun! So then it’d be idk something more like: 那位姑娘是何人，来自何处？This is fun because you can really slow down your speech and sound as elegant as you like!! (this will sound stilted if you do it for modern speech, but it’s a very fun exercise)

Choosing your media!!

1) Don’t use donghuas. Seriously. The voice actors usually speak at a ridiculous pace and not with the same range of ‘normal’ intonation

2) Your Chinese is definitely good enough to recognise when anyone is quoting poetry or speaking in a paricularly sexy literary way so, uh…don’t do that. That rules dramas like Nirvana in Fire OUT.

3) Modern dramas and reality TV shows CAN be great, but they can also be quite intimidatingly quick and almost too mushy at times. I’d recommend informal speech in guzhuang dramas more, because they have professional voice actors and extensive sound editing, meaning that although it might be fast and the vocabulary harder, it’s actually much more accessible and easier to copy. You don’t want to be stuck with the awfulness of 50% failed foreigner and 50% 12 year old boy who can’t enunciate properly!!

4) CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON WISELY. I try to find characters that speak in a dramatic, whiny or childish way. This is so important! There’s literally no use copying Lan Wangji unless you want to be able to have that particular cadence and tone of voice you get reciting poetry. Childish/whiny/dramatic characters on the other hand stress some words very strongly, and rush others together - this is great for hearing what actual real speech sounds like. Whininess wins. In The Untamed, characters like Wei Wuxian (not yllz!wwx but just…regular wwx), 一问三不知 Nie Huaisang, Jin Ling, and Jingyi are all great. Also Jiggy, who is just very extra constantly and speaks much slower as well, which really helps. In SHL characters like Gu Xiang are good.

5) CHOOSE YOUR VOICE WISELY! If you are really aiming to copy them 100% (which you should try at least sometimes), you want somebody with your pitch range to sound normal. I have a sort of party trick in Chinese that because I’ve spent so much time listening to women in guzhuang dramas I can change my voice and sound like a) a scheming concubine with honeyed words, or b) the voice of the Beijing metro. My teacher found it hysterically funny. But it’s not my natural voice, and if I speak like that for too long it hurts. The women usually are too high for me, and the big burly manly men too low - so I’d recommend finding a man with a higher voice, or an older woman (like some of the female characters in Nirvana in Fire). Again, sorry that this is mostly the Untamed (I’m just most familiar with it) but the voice actors for Wei Wuxian and some of the juniors (+jiggy) has a higher voice. Likewise Chengling in Word of Honour.

On intonation in general:

- The thing is that whilst shadowing is useful it requires prior ability in a whole bunch of other skills that you can train - it relies on your ability to accurately mimic pitch, emotion and other contrasts. Training this in ANY language, including your native one, will help your ability to do this in Chinese - so I’d recommend spending a fair amount of time practicing shadowing (or speaking just after somebody whilst listening to a string of text, like monolingual simultaneous interpreting) in your native language too. Any training copying accents or mimicking other people is going to similarly help, regardless of the language.

So, with that in mind, further tips:

1) Hum / try to copy the intonation without any words. What this does is force you to pay attention to what the intonation actually is, versus what you may think it should be.

2) Don’t look at the text! Do! Not! Look! At! The! Text! If you look at the characters or pinyin you’re telling yourself ‘ok this is a third tone here’ etc, but you want to override the part of your brain that has gotten into bad habits and is supremely self-confident in how you’re pronouncing the third tone, and actually just go straight back to mimicking.

3) Don’t be afraid to do it with vocabulary that is way beyond your level. Actually, I find this can sometimes be helpful, because you don’t have a prior idea about how a particular tone pair should be useful - and you don’t know which tone you should be producing.

4) Learn vocabulary by ear - listen to a vocab podcast or even make one yourself (I often do this; I record my daily Anki and listen back to it through headphones copying throughout the day - if you’re not confident in your pronunciation you can get Google Translate to do it). Similarly, pick unknown vocabulary out of a longer segment and remember it, trying to internalise the tones instead of figuring out which tone it is.

5) Find emotional sentences, and copy them with emotion. This is SO CRUCIAL!!! We remember things when we relate to them, and when we imbue them with emotion - and it also helps in hearing exactly how an angry second tone sounds, for instance.

6) When you’re copying, look up, and imagine you are having an actual conversation. Carry yourself with conviction and poise!! Really try to whine like wwx or slime like jgy. After a couple of turns copying them, try to turn off the audio and keep delivering it in the same manner.

7) Swap individual words out. Once you have a line properly figured out, swap a word or two that has a different tone pair, and focus on delivering it with the same pattern of stress.

8) Finally, practice doing this in your native language too!! It’s a skill that we don’t use often, and it can be trained. Some people are terrible at it at first go even in their native language, but you can work on it!

About intonation in general:

1) I think a lot of pronunciation problems with people sounding unnatural or stiff ultimately come down to a fundamental misunderstanding of what intonation looks like across different languages. In English we mark it by pitch: and we are so used to the rhetoric that Chinese has ‘tone’ and not ‘intonation’ that we try and focus on blindly copying every single word textbook perfect without listening to how it actually sounds.

2) Chinese does have intonation!!! Except that, unlike English, when you stress a word, the pitch doesn’t change, but the tone contour is exaggerated - basically the only time you will ever hear a full third tone is in isolated or very exaggerated speech. If you have a Chinese friend, get them to record a sentence like the English ‘I didn’t ask her to steal his rucksack’, and put stress on the different elements of it - I didn’t ask, I didn’t ask, I didn’t ask, and so on. Notice and copy how the tones change. When shadowing, you should always be paying attention to where the stress is in the sentence: when you speak by yourself, practicing saying a sentence neutrally, and then with stress on one component, the next, and so on. If it feels unnatural, it’s because you might not have practicised like this before - it’ll get better!

Hope that’s somewhat helpful / interesting!

- 梅晨曦

#chinese #chinese langblr #langblr #chinese studyblr #studyblr #learn chinese #study chinese #chinese vocab #lingblr #askies

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primehorded · 4 years

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Biomechanical Horde

I came into watching She-Ra as someone pure and untainted by the old series. Everything I learned about the characters and the universe, I learned from this show, and I wanted to write a breakdown of all the is-he-a-robot-is-he-an-alien evidence we see from Hordak, his brothers, and Big Brother himself, Horde Prime. (IDK if it was in the original but - Big Brother is watching, big brother sees all...inch resting and not at all political. Insert eye emoji)

FIRST we meet Hordak. Hordak appears to be a humanoid of no specified race, sharing some attributes with other races depicted in the show, but having some characteristics reminiscent of a robot. He has hair, he has ears that move and reflect his moods, similar to Double Trouble and Catra in that regard.

He also seems to have some proponents that are distinctly unnatural-looking. There isn’t enough detailing to be quite sure - no metallic glint on his skull-shaped face, for instance. Yet his eyes very distinctly to glow with light, even in darkness, and he has markings on his face and neck that could be where plates of metal/whatever unnatural material might meet, seams between the different parts and pieces he is made up of. However, these neater lines that look like plate seams also flow neatly into curved lines indicative of more natural-looking facial features.

He has very sharply defined cheek-hollows the same darker grey as his neck - but also going into his ears, which do not seem mechanical.

Then we later start to get a better idea of what Hordak is, when Entrapta walks in on him changing (tee-hee). Here his unnaturally white skin seems to be changing color, affected by his declining health, the dark blue spreading like tissue damage. He also is physically frail and dependent on clothing engineered to hold him together and allow him to function. Also, he’s in a halter top here. You’re welcome.

After Entrapta nurses him back to consciousness, he admits to her that he is a clone, and reveals a series of pods where more clones seem to be growing. He says he was created with a defect, and cast out because of it. It is unclear if the clones are still growing or if they were failed experiments, but I’m leaning towards failed experiments. It is also not specified if Hordak was intending to clone himself in order to add to his army, or if he was trying to create a new body to somehow transfer his own consciousness into later. Horde Prime is shown to have gone through many vessels himself, and also states his brothers “lend their life force to him” so that he can live indefinitely. Considering how expendable Horde Prime’s “little brothers” are to him, it seems doubtful that he would even bother allowing them their own indefinite lives through some sort of life-force taking or vessel changing. There is a possibility that Hordak might know a little bit about how Horde Prime’s process of doing so works, seeing as he seemed to be a clone closer to Horde-Prime before his defect was discovered. We are not given any clear answers on this. (I tried to find a cap of Hordak’s attempted clones but typing in anything like “Hordak’s Clones” into the search engine didn’t work cuz, ya know)

The only creation he seems to have successfully cultivated is the imp, pictured above in the lower right-hand corner. The imp also seems to have some biological properties - ears, hair, even eyebrows, as well as a distinct nose shape and seemingly natural wings. Flesh wings. Not metal wings or whatever. I don’t like referring to stuff as “flesh” though, my overlord says it really blows my cover. The imp definitely has mechanical properties as well though - glowing eyes similar to Hordak’s and, most notably, the ability to kind of tape-record things he can hear. When he catches Catra sharing some secrets and brings them back to Hordak, he doesn’t repeat them as if remembered or even imitate them, but just opens his mouth for the duration, like to allow access to a speaker in the back of his throat, and a tinny voice-recording of Catra’s voice can be heard. He also uses this ability to mock Hordak, because he’s a little asshole. Otherwise, the Imp doesn’t speak, other than a few vague noises like hissing. Do we ever find out what happens to the imp? I feel like we don’t. Rip

Entrapta creates a new kind of suit for Hordak, this time built like an exoskeleton to allow him to move and function beyond the ability and energy his original body can give anymore. It functions like part of his body, but isn’t surgically connected to him or anything. At least, that we see. Entrapta do be a freak like that tho.

When we finally meet Horde Prime, he too seems to share a mix of biological and mechanical aspects. He has the same snow-white skin, with markings that could resemble creases between plates/materials. He also has glowing eyes, as do his other clones, but he has white pupils that show in any body he inhabits when he moves his control/consciousness, as he seems to be able to fluidly among his clones and anyone chipped.

He has a few attributes that his clones do NOT share. He has extra eyes on his right side, with pupils of their own that are often looking other directions. This is the only part of him that is not symmetrical, and all of his clones are created and dressed in symmetrical clothing and features. He also has metal finger attachments on his index-fingers, which is very sexy but seems to cover a finger rather than replace them.

The other attribute he has that none of his other clones bear is them GLORIOUS, GLORIOUS LOCS. I mean I’ve heard of cyber locks, but this is ridiculous. Bad joke. At the crown of his head, his hair appears white, the same as his skin and the hair on the heads of all of his clones. There appears to be two beads or sections, one on each side at the parts of his hair that frame his perfect evil face. Further down though, the pseudo-dreads turn a medium grey, and then are capped off with sharp tips that DO reflect light the same way metal drawn in the show does. So do the metal creases under the tops of his shoulders - cheeky off-the shoulder armor, or metal joint?

He also has the ability to travel in the hive-mind network of every chipped being (including his clones), and access information like a file. Entrapta later “hacks” it like a software. Can you uninstall Horde Prime? Does he have ad-blocker?

We also see him utilize an unspecified green liquid, a pool of which he uses to make Hordak “pure”. Hordak alights in sparks when he enters it, like a toaster in a bathtub. This obviously effects him though in a very natural physical way, crying out in pain, and Horde Prime remarks that his suffering is necessary for his purity. If he was just throwing some water on him to short out his mechanical processors for a HARD hard reboot, he wouldn’t have any reason to have this lime green pool of...whatever. And whatever this substance is, it’s important enough to be the only color in or on Prime Horde or any of his clones. I’m gunna call it Horde Juice. It’s not the quenchiest.

Back to the hair. His “hair” is kept back and tied out of the way for most of the time, except for in the finale, when we see it being used to kind of funnel the Horde Juice straight into his brainicals. Horde Prime’s hair tubes connect into his back, with a few pieces left down cuz he’s a stylish ho. Now you can see very clearly some of the locs are actually CLEAR TUBES that only appeared light grey against his dark grey (skin?) and now they are pulsing with Horde Juice. However, we can ALSO very clearly see that not every tendril of his hair is alight with The Juices, indicating that some part of his hair are just that - hair, like his clones. It also has lit up a technical looking pattern along some creases in his body. His arms, his neck. His boobs.

There isn’t really a good point I can end this on, other than to say I thought it was a really creative and interesting design that was incredibly effective. It’s not easy to make a universe make sense with advanced futuristic weaponry and also medieval fantasy magic. The amazing design of the characters, weapons, architecture, and fighting styles made it look seamless, and Hordak’s design in particular really lead well up to introducing an insanely high-tech spaceship full of mind-controlled clones, dropped into a world filled with and dependent on magic. This was a spotlight specifically on Hordak/Horde Prime’s...race? Race.

I’m really curious for more information about the universe, even though from what I’ve heard the new She-Ra has changed a lot and the old She-Ra didn’t much prioritize world-building specifics. If I learn some more looking some stuff up on this series as well as the old one, and anyone is interested, I’ll add a part two and link it below!

#Also the only reason I really noticed all of this stuff is because I’m working on a cosplay for Horde Prime which is NOT easy.#Horde Prime #SPOP #spop spoilers #hordak #imp #she-ra #she-ra spoilers

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wanderinginmythoughtsalltheway · 4 years

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speaking is hard,

as the title says. it really frickin is. i've got to decode and process what the person is saying, think of an appropriate way to react and then formulate a sentence to communicate my reaction. that's too much work imo i'm just sayin

when i was younger, i'd usually stay quiet and just smile at everyone. and everyone assumed i was shy or sth like that. but nah. i literally had no idea what people were saying so i was like "shhh just observe and pretend you understand" and it fuckin worked okay. except that's now my to-go technique on how to navigate social situations, especially those which are uncomfortable for me.

when i started getting older and i slowly had to "talk my way" at grammar school, i started memorizing what kind of things people do or say in certain situations. my brain has an entire cabinet with drawers and folders for each and every possible social encounter that has happened to me and could possibly happen again. needless to say, that came with a lot of rather embarrassing attempts to look normal in front of my peers (spoiler alert and tw// i got bullied for a few years and it was funny bc i didnt understand that i was being bullied i legit thought everyone was weird and i realized everything after i left the school and entered uni so like. damn), but after that, i became known for being very socially skilled and aware (hAH the irony) and i actually made friends! i made such great friends that i realized that the "friends" i had in my class were closely tied to my distinct feelings of discomfort and need to hide everything that makes me myself so i unfriended them and began my road to honest friendships with my new friends yay!

the "hiding who i am" and "following precise scripts" stayed with me though. it felt like i needed to do so in order to survive. i hid what i liked bc no one liked it and once i'd talk abt it more, my former friends would get annoyed and so i though that i shouldn't do that. i bit my tongue whenever anyone asked abt my hobbies. hell, i lowkey even banned myself from doing what i like bc it's "uncool and no one will accept you" and for the longest time (up until recently), i didn't let myself be happy and eventually, i forgot what brought me joy.

needless to say, when i got to know about masking, i went like "holy macaroni that's me that's what i do". a lot of it is very subconscious, especially now that i'm an adult and i "need to act normal" or else i won't be respected (it is also tied to the fact that i'm a poc in a predominantly white country and well. i had problems with people, with uni, abt being poc and of faith). but knowing what it is and finally being able to recognize that "oh im uncomfortable idk what im doing but im doing it right" is actually me masking, or when i'm scared to talk abt the things i like because of not seeming like other people (now i know those are called special interests) is also masking, brought me a sense of comfort.

that being said though, i have masked for as long as i can remember. it is a tiring thing to do, but i cannot just stop and be my authentic self. i don't even know who i am under the mask! it's a complicated thing to process and i am still at the beginning of this bumpy road of self discovery.

what i did realize though, is that i dont really do speaking well and i'd rather not speak unless i really want to and i can form a sentence. the thing is, if i'm a bit more tired, my ability to follow socially acceptable conversation scripts is minimal. and my actual "what the hell is that human saying" software and "on the spot quick sentence creating" software are both very faulty. meaning it takes me a few minutes to decode, process and formulate an answer. i can't process specific tones of voice (no matter how hard i try there's people i just can't for the love of god process their speech well, if not at all), when there's more people speaking i can pay attention to all bc i hear them, but it takes me a while to understand everything. i also experience echolalia way more than usually, i'd repeat exactly what people are telling me or i'll just repeat random other words that i usually use somewhere else to communicate what i want. speaking is h a r d. sometimes i just don't speak at all bc making sentences is just too much and i make weird noises (fortunately my sibling understands me, my parents highkey mock me but they usually understand as well).

typing is usually waaaayy better than speaking irl. i have loads of time to think through what i'm saying, edit sentences that are worder in a weird way, add in words i suddenly forgot... it's just generally more convenient and i can surely convey more thought and information via typed/written text than via speaking. which is why i love being online and texting. it makes communication and saying what i want so much easier.

maybe i'm semiverbal. maybe i'm not. but you know what, who cares. imma just communicate my way through random noises and i'll be fine. hopefully. not at uni though ahHAHAH rip

#mine #asd #self diagnosed autism #autism #autism masking #masking #speaking issues #sensory processing #sensory problems #auditory processing issues #tw bullying #communication #this text is wild istg im really tired and lowkey high on bright light - i was in the garden and it was so bright there and im still v dizzy #but i had this thought and i wanted to write it #otherwise id forget it #neurodivergent #neurodiversesquad #neurodiversity

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lenjaminmacbuttons · 4 years

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Hope you’re doing okay, I know there’s been a lot going on the past couple weeks. 🌈🌈💛💛

FOOF YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

thank you for the good vibes anon, i love you and it means a lot to me. however unfortunately now im gonna use this to vent dump exactly how much has been going on the past couple weeks off the top of my head. this is actually pretty far from Everything thats happen but im so tired and dont want to think about any of it anymore

my grandma passed away last week. we were prepared for it and we know she’s at peace in a better place et cetera et cetera, her body was all full of restraints & impediments that she doesnt have to deal with anymore and the next time she’s in a body it’ll be all New And Improved and awesome. i missed so much work in anticipation of this that now i can’t get work off on the day of the funeral, so i can still go to it but i’ll have to go immediately to work right from it and have to pretend everythings fine and dandy and nothings going on.

everyone at work Does know there’s something going on however and the two coworkers i have who are actually like i consider them friends mostly they’re all like Hey Im Here For You Talk About Your Feelings Honestly with me and i. dont. want. to talk about my feelings at work. thats not what work is for and i dont like talking about my feelings anyway and i dont want them to ask anymore

the changes to the handbook and the honor code have completely sunk my heart. i had so much hope up until those hideous ridiculous unfathomably transphobic things they wrote and now i don’t feel like i can trust or have hope in ANYTHING the institution does anymore. ive been up all night going back and forth over whether i want to go to church today. or ever again. it’s not bringing me joy. it’s making me feel anxious and depressed and frustrated and alone. i keep seeing people just on the street or on facebook who are so happy and content with the church and whatever it does and i just…i get struck every single time with this thought of “they don’t care about me. they don’t care about any of these problems. they’re not affected personally by it and so they don’t care.”

and then that makes me feel like such a hypocrite because!!! ive been them too for so long!! what makes this moment so different!!!!! why is this the straw that breaks the camel’s back when the camel should have thrown off the whole burden and run to join its friends at the first strike of the owner’s whip!!!!!!

plus it’s making me feel gross about my mormon memes blogs. idk if i can keep running those anymore.

im failing this semester anyway and i keep getting emails about it. i was planning to take a break from school After this semester but ive missed so much class that i just really can’t go back to any of them so i guess im just dropping out right now. as much as i’d love to participate in all the incredible amazing protests going on right now i really really cant be on campus at all without feeling literally physically ill. and my Hope was to do really well this last semester and then submit mission papers and that way i’d know exactly what next to do with my life until i decide what After, and id be able to Get Out somewhere and travel someplace while still feeling like my life has some semblance of structure and direction. however! HOWEVER!!!!!!!!

i’ve been feeling so, so horrible and so worn down and i dont even know where or what my testimony is anymore. but that’s probably a lot lower on the list of Why I Can’t Serve A Mission, because a. i still don’t trust my Local Bishop enough to talk to him about things The Handbook says to b. i am finding it harder and harder and harder to be perceived as female. i never really have dysphoria about my body or my presentation or anything but like, when people say Sister and Ma’am and Miss and Daughter and Hey Pretty Lady It’s Me Your Relief Society President it’s like…that’s not me. that feels gross. and i wear suits and ties to church, have done so for a while and never get any flak for it, and im gradually working up the nerve to maybe start introducing myself as lev or levi instead of lillie buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. socially transitioning apparently is not allowed.

not to mention my temple recommend expired ages ago anyway. anxiety about bishops prevented me from ever going in for an interview to renew it. i haven’t visited the temple once since before graduating high school. but every time i see it or think about it i long for it so badly and it hurts so much.

and also like, i get that same kinda horrible regretful longing feeling whenever i hear violin music? because i played violin for a few years and then stopped but i still have the instrument because it was given to me by my grandmother. who played it herself until sickness wouldn’t let her anymore and she entrusted it to me and i Stopped Playing but then i hoped to pick it up enough to at least learn how to play her favorite song and aw wouldn’t that be so nice to play that for her on her violin except i never actually got around to printing out the sheet music or practicing At All. and now she’s gone.

and one of the last things she said to me was that she would love to hear my book since her eyesight was too gone to read it so i said i’d record it as soon as i got the right software/hardware to do that and then i never did that either. also i promised alla yalls that book would be Published Published coming up on four months ago now and i still haven’t done that

i took a pair of safety scissors to my forearms as mentioned in a previous post and surprise surprise, the lines have not healed still, it’s getting warmer outside and thus harder to wear long sleeves, and guess what! a while ago on a separate occasion i complained that i kinda wished my self harm scars looked more like the classic cutter lines and Now They Do!! And I Hate It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and a couple nights ago my little sister saw them and so i told her i got attacked by a spider-pawed bear and fortunately my brother Understands and backed me up like “dang what do they teach in schools these days i cant believe youve never heard of the spider-pawed bears that live in the mountains and are totally normal and real”

and steven universe is ending. that’s a thing.

and like….okay. not everything in my emotions right now is bad. some of it is just complicated. one coworker friend i have recently confessed that she’s had a crush on me for several months now. fortunately when she said this i was able to be honest and say that im not super eager for a relationship right now, im not ready in the slightest to settle down or anything, im still hung up on my high school crush and also dealing with issues from my last relationship, and she replied that’s all perfectly fine and she doesn’t have any expectations and she’s great being friends and we can take things at whatever pace is good

except i also now have a date with said high school crush loosely planned for tomorrow and i told this coworker friend about it and she admitted it’s making her a little jealous and then she said jealous is an ugly word and amended it to Insecure and i feel bad about that

but i also like. am really excited for this date. like it’s not really a for sure romantic capital-d Date and that’s fine, but i haven’t seen this friend irl for so long and ive been missing her so much over this past little while that we’ve been internet chatting and that ive been i guess officially falling back in love with her but i also like, i dont know what her deal is romantically right now i don’t want to presume anything but i really really really am itching to see her

work is stressful. it’s only gonna get more so as weather gets warmer. but we’re getting two new managers with loads of experience and glowing reviews next week. i have hope that they’ll makes things a little lighter.

and there’s also. good things. peridot took off her visor for the first time ever in canon and i saved like 50 different gifs of it to my computer cus it rocked my world. sonic has she-ra toys for the kids meals and i managed to snag a tiny inflatable version of the sword. i’m making cosplays of the tres horny boys from the adventure zone and they’re all very exciting and making things makes me very very happy. i’m finding joy in all the fanfictions i’m writing right now and in talking about dungeons & dragons with my brothers and friends. ducknerva is a very beautiful Good Ending version of marahope which makes me happy and taako is a super effective projection outlet. i bought cupcakes today and they were delicious. and when i think about those good things, when i think about any good thing no matter how small, everything else disappears.

whatever happens happens i guess.

she who lives will see.

#talkyllama #hey if anyone needs tags on posts like these please please let me know asap #i always forget that actual people see the things i post #i dont usually trigger tag cus i dont usually think i need to but if i do i will

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antriaus · 4 years

Text

I suddenly had this desire to write again for you, Tito.

—

“Taga-AWS ka?”

Probably the most stupid and creepy way to start a conversation with someone. Galing. Stalker agad datingan. Hahahaha! That’s how I introduced myself to (let’s call him) Tito. The awkwardness and curiousity would definitely bring you somewhere in the future pala? Lol

I remember this one instance when my bestfriend and I were talking about people we find interesting in our batch. We were in our ChristmasxAcquaintance Batch Party during that time, and Tito was the photographer. So I just pointed at him and told my bestfriend how I find him interesting. This guy easily caught my attention on our first day of class. Idk how, but I did notice him. Maybe because he’s chinito? Though, I was in a very happy relationship that time. So that was just a harmless, ‘crush.’ Kebs lang, di naman kami close nun.

Tbh, idk anything about this guy that time, except his linkedin and FB profile? Hahaha Actually, I did stalk ALL of my batchmates after our grad school admission result was released. I never thought that this guy, wearing a tux with a blue necktie on his cropped display picture that time, would give this much impact in my life today. Wow. That he could make me write a 10 pages (or probably more) phrase about him and on how he made me feel.

—

This blurred picture perfectly depicts how we are today (or how we’ve always been). It seems we’re not ready yet, as we both would say. Or was it an alibi on how we can’t make this easy?

The random moments with you. The first time we talked, even the time you had a taste of my messed up steak, watched a movie, and just had a conversation (even if I felt so messep up). We were really close.

Conversations. We had lots of these. Always a good talk with you. The twisted, complex, or complicated arguments/claims almost about anything. Raw and unfiltered topics that made us vulnerable, facts and figures that show how nerd you are, and feelings that represent my sensitivity at times. It amazes me that knowing you also made me learn a lot. Like a lot. Great part of this was our Grab rides to school, as we sometimes curse how expensive it is. But I’d never had it in any other way. It was something.

You’re unique. We all are. But I can’t associate any other patterns with you. You’re completely different and it’s interesting.

You’re intelligent. How sexy is that? It turns me on to just know how smart you are. Like if circumstance allowed, I would brag you to everyone. The modest and lowkey guy I know is a consistent valedictorian both in elementary and highschool; who also won a regional-level in MTAP; who was a representative of their school to almost all of the academic contests; who can be tapped unexpectedly for a competition and would still win even if he’s unprepared; and who could pass UPCAT and get a quota course, ECE, in Diliman effortlessly. N2 passer for Japanese Language Proficiency Test. A senior software developer/lead. Practical and prudent with a firm principles and values in life. What else? Yabang noh? Pero lowkey lang sya. He’s really something.

You’re matured. Our 7+ years age gap made sense given the level of understanding on how we perceive things. You’re way ahead of me and it didn’t bother me. Your experiences made you this. Introversion suits you well, as you established everything at your own pace. Maybe that’s why I still don’t get you sometimes. There are times that I feel stupid and reckless, but you’re there to slap the truth hard on my face.

You’re gentle, loving, sweet, practical, and independent. Just typing this makes my heart flutter and makes me teary-eyed. Hahaha maybe I’m just overwhelmed with so much feelings for you that I can’t directly express right now, except to write something? You made me feel special, and it’s amazing:

• The first time I went and tried Mercato with you.

• Our random breakfast together, mostly comprised of sausage mcmuffin/platter.

• How we end up spending our whole day going around Market2x for window shopping, but more of you showing me your fave shops & little discoveries.

• Random lunch/meryenda/dinner dates. KFC, milktea, pizza, potpots, and etc.

• Made me explore Manila on my 25th birthday and got caught by my dad unexpectedly. Lol

• Brought me to an unli-steak restaurant in SM MOA, and explored the perya nearby.

• Went to a roadtrip in Tagaytay right after you arrived from Marinduque.

• Braving the traffic and public transpo from Buendia just to get to Nasugbu, Batangas for our weekend getaway in Pico de Loro Resort.

• Random calls even if you’re miles away. SFO-Manila. How you were coping with routines (laundry, gym, random walks to find bars or just familiarizing SFO streets) and would find it amusing.

• Wanting to see me even after your 12 to 14-hour exhausting flight from SFO. Bringing me your cute shot-latte and chocolates as pasalubong. But you’re the biggest pasalubong, I missed you.

• Reviewing together for our comprehensive exam even if we’re too busy.

• Went to an expensive (napasubo kasi HAHA sorry na!) unli-steak dinner at Westgate, Alabang and showed you where we live. Lol

• How you would offer giving me a ride to school.

• The random P2P rides with you and more of Rodics cravings.

• How you would always remind me to stop believing in MBTI. Not limited to that, you’re always there to remind me and help me out anytime. (This is making me cry. I’m touched.)

• Remembering how I love tapa. Or even helping me out with my cravings.

• How we would both hate having to deal with useless groupmates in class. Hahaha

• Your awkward hugs.

• The sweetest thing you could say to someone (even to your mom) is simply “mwah.”

• Your subtle and korni sweetness. “Me: Ano bang gusto mo?” Tito: “You” And I would still not get it even how many times you do this. Hahaha

and a lot more..

You’re not the most affectionate person I know. We both lack words of affirmation. Nonetheless, all the time I’ve spent trying to understand your love language was worth it. All of it.

I do have feelings for you, I can’t deny that. I’m not even sure why we keep on running in circles. I’ve always been expressive and vocal on how I feel for you. But I still can’t understand the gap.

Was I not enough? Are my assumptions too much? Or were you not clear enough?

Idk. It breaks my heart. Maybe, I stopped caring knowing more about it. Or that’s just it.

—

Dati, nag-post ako about real love.

Pero ngayon, mas naintindihan kong basta kapag nag-mahal ka, kahit walang kapalit, okay na.

Kahit sa tingin mo parang sobra ka at kulang sya, pero so-sobrahan mo pa kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Masaktan ka man, paulit ulit ulit, mag-mukha ka pang tanga minsan, papalipasin mo sa huli, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Kahit itaga mo sa utak mong di ka affected, pero konting ganap lang, sobrang bilis ng impact, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Kahit na sobrang pagod ka na, iniyak mo na nga, pinag-dasal mo pa, tuloy ka pa din na parang wala lang, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Kahit na hindi man maintindihan ung love language mo, or kulang na sya sa love deposit na alam mong magpapasaya sayo, tatanggapin mo na lang, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Kahit na hindi ka araw-araw kausapin, or kamustahin kahit na gusto mo syang kasama lagi, dahil ayaw mo lang matawag na needy or clingy kasi ayaw nya ng ganun, papalipasin mo, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Kahit na nakita mo na worst nya at yung trato nya sayo at some circumstance tapos alam mong ayaw mo nun, pero tatanggapin mo, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Kahit na ilang beses i-seen, or i-ignore messages/calls mo, tapos tuloy ka pa din sa pagm-message kahit ang sakit sakit sakit na, naisip mo pang mag sulat at alalahanin sya, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Kahit na natitiis nyang wag kang kausapin for 1 week+, at kahit alam mong kung mahalaga ka sa isang tao, maglalaan at maglalaan ng oras yan kahit di obligado at gaano pa ka-busy, pero wala iniitindi mo pa din, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Kahit ilang beses mo na iniyakan si Lord para sa sagot kung bakit ganito ka-unclear ung between sa inyong dalawa at sobrang toxic na sa puso mo yung setup, pero kahit taliwas ung sagot ni Lord, lumalaban ka pa din, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

Or kahit na hindi naman kayo at hindi klaro, binigay mo pa lahat lahat kahit maling mali sa prinsipyo mo, at sobrang risky ng uncertainties, pero sumusugal ka pa din, kasi wala eh, mahal mo.

———

12:50 AM nagsusulat ako about sayo, nago-overthink sa bagay na ikaw lang makakasagot, naghihintay sa di ko malaman kung anong bagay.

Hindi ko maisip kung paano napunta sa ganito ung simpleng pagtalikod sayo (ng walang kamalay-malay) para lang tanungin ka ng “Taga-AWS ka?” at malay ko bang ganito pala kahihinatnan ngayon, pero wala eh, mahal kita.

—

Pero sabi ko na lang kay Lord, tulungan Niya ako. I’ll surrender everything to Him and will obey Him this time.

#personal

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smallblueandloud · 5 years

Note

FSK + dancers AU?

oooh, okay. for this ask meme! (disclaimer: i know literally nothing about any sort of dance, so uh… bear with me as i wholesale make everything up)

phil coulson runs a dance studio. it is an excellent dance studio. this is common knowledge. they mostly do ballet, with some sort of modern twist [and here we see me bullshitting my way through this]. his best dancers usually go on to bigger studios, since his is smaller by choice and doesn’t travel. (oh, that phil coulson, says everyone who hears his name. wasn’t he the one who trained barton? wasn’t he the one who took in romanoff when she defected from the ussr? wasn’t he trained by nick fury? he even had tony stark for a while!) he’s famous, ish, is the point i’m trying to make here.

the studio’s stars used to be him and melinda may, who danced with him back when fury owned the studio - they were the main stars. but may was involved in a [something traumatic involving kids, idk man, there’s a lot - take your pick] and then she got divorced and… long story short, she doesn’t dance anymore. these days, he’s got grant ward, who (even though he seems like the last person who’d be dancing ballet) is excellent at what he does - solo shows, mostly - and a pretty promising new partnership, leo fitz and jemma simmons.

those kids are like… psychically connected. people barely have to work with them for their performances - they know where the other is at all times, they know exactly how to move to be perfectly positioned to catch the other’s body or their hand, and the best part is, you can tell they’re having the time of their lives while doing it.

as in, they would be terrible at pretending they were happy or joyous or whatever while dancing, so it’s very good that they are feeling like that.

jemma’s classically trained, and she’s the one who knows all the composers and exactly why they’re different and why they put that note there and what they have to do to fit that original vision. fitz grew up poor with a single mother, and he got a late start, for the ballet world - but he can feel the music, he knows exactly how to position his hands and his torso and his head and convey how the music makes him feel, how it makes everyone feel. people love seeing them work together, seeing how they both interpret the music and bring something new to the table and make it fun.

daisy, meanwhile, is a street performer in her free time, who loves to dance but likes eating a little too much to do it for a job - she works in software, in some sort of tiny startup that was willing to hire her without any sort of college degree, only on her word that she’s very good (because she is).

it’s coulson that finds her - the one constant in every universe. phil coulson finds daisy, orphan, alone in the world, sees the talent in her that she can’t quite develop on her own, and brings her in to the team, into a family. he tells her she doesn’t have to work there, and not to worry about money, that she can just come by and get some training, because she obviously loves it and who is he to stop her from doing something she loves.

he puts her with ward at first, but daisy’s never had a day of classical training in her life and ward is not a team player. may’s just barely getting back into the game, hill is out sick with pneumonia, trip is taking a sabbatical to visit his mother in philadelphia, eric is- etc, etc. long story short, he’s eventually forced to break up fitzsimmons for a few days, just so one of them can work with daisy and she can get to see the kind of things they tend to do in the sudio.

he puts her with fitz. (mostly because simmons is a bit of a snob, and fitz is the one most likely to understand where daisy’s coming from, since their backgrounds are- similar.) he’s not expecting much - he has fitz do a short thing for daisy, which she admires greatly but says she’ll never be able to do (in her usual self-deprecating style). he turns on some music and has them listen to it and talk about how they would dance to it.

then he puts fitz and daisy together and has them actually dance.

it’s not like what happens with fitzsimmons - there’s no psychic connection, no instinctual knowledge of where the other is like they were born to be together. but together, fitz and daisy - the outsiders, the newbies, the ones who grew up too poor and too low class to be around ballet - make something new, something that’s not just the same choreography that’s been tried for ages. fitz’s grace and comprehension, combined with daisy’s raw talent and experience with hip-hop, makes something coulson can’t look away from.

fitz and daisy feel it too. after coulson dismisses them, fitz drags her to meet jemma, who - contrary to everyone’s expectations (except probably fitz’s) - takes an instant liking to daisy, american and sarcastic and everything she’s not. the three of them become just about as inseparable as fitzsimmons were before daisy came along, and although fitz and jemma always have that connection when they dance, daisy and fitz have an undefinable spark when they work together - and it’s clear to any audience. coulson loves putting them in performances, especially when they dance for kids from the inner city (a new initiative that daisy put together, with coulson’s monetary support and may handling the paperwork) - because it can show the kids that they can do anything, no matter what people tell them or what their class is.

meanwhile, the three of them are getting closer - and gradually falling in love. they start dating, all three of them, maybe a year in (never underestimate the power of fitzsimmons’ obliviousness, and plus there was some guy named will and another named lincoln and so on). but they do get together, eventually, and they’re all so happy.

coulson’s good with it. but he never has the three of them dance together - just keeps putting fitzsimmons and fitzdaisy on stage. it’s not like they have a problem with it, not really, because:

eventually, alone in jemma’s apartment after a couple of glasses of wine, jemma and daisy dance together. it’s only the two of them, without anyone else watching, and it’s perfect.

so they never dance together for a performance. it’s for them, and for fitz sometimes, and that’s because it’s slightly silly, not really any sort of organized anything - or it’s too heavy, too emotional to share. and they’re fine with that.

eventually, may actually comes back to the studio, and she and coulson dance together again - and finally get their heads out of the sand, much to the relief of literally everyone who knows them (natasha romanoff, world renowned dancer, formerly of the soviet union, sends them a postcard that says ‘it’s about damn time’ and nothing else - it was a hellish couple years when she worked with them, before may got with andrew and she and coulson were dancing around each other. [oh. ha. metaphorically and literally.]).

and then, eventually, the cancer that coulson fought off years ago comes back swinging, and he retires, leaving the studio to daisy, who he thinks of as a daughter.

she’d left coding years ago to dance full time, although she still uses her free time to teach herself html and make a snazzy new website for the studio. but mostly, she dances, and works with her life partners, and laughs, and makes friends with their newest dancers - alphonso mackenzie, elena rodriguez, and piper (just piper, she says, when introducing herself) - and their new choreographer, max davis, who’s a married dad of one and is so done, all the time.

even though they can’t get married, and they go through their ups and downs, the three of them - daisy, jemma, and fitz - stay together no matter what. and they’re happy for the rest of their days.

#florchis #sb and l answers #i gotta actually start tagging these lol #sb and l rambles #fitzskimmons #ot3: you can't imagine your life without them #featuring my feelings about coulson and his daughter daisy!#i couldn't figure out a way to make ward a nazi but please know that he turns out evil somehow eventually lol #wow i actually really like this au #i read the email and went 'oh no i have no clue what i'm gonna do'#'i know nothing about the dance world'#but this is actually... really fun #like i love using the dance to talk about their relationship dynamics #and i LOVE breaking free of the typical fs stuff #like don't get me wrong i love them and i love their partnership #but i'm so tired of the 'they're the only one who understands / cares about / can work with the other' nonsense you know?#i love playing with how each of them have different but important relationships with the others #and just *happy sigh* i love them #thanks for this prompt lol! your prompts always work out so well and i love doing them #i really like this meme don't i #okay i'm gonna stop talking now

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comicteaparty · 5 years

Text

February 11th-February 17th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from February 11th, 2019 to February 17th, 2019. The chat focused on Sombulus by Christina Major.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Sombulus by Christina Major~! (http://www.sombulus.com/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Remember, though, that while we allow constructive criticism, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic. Below you will find four questions to get you started on the discussion. However, a new question will be posted and pinned everyday (between 12:01AM and 6AM PST), so keep checking back for more! You have until February 17th to tell us all your wonderful thoughts! With that established, let’s get going on the reading and the chatting!

QUESTION 1. What has been your favorite scene in the comic so far? What specifically did you like about it?

QUESTION 2. At the moment, who is your favorite character? What about that character earns them this favor?

QUESTION 3. What do you think caused Rana, Astyr, and Sydney to wind up bound all together since Astyr didn’t do it on purpose? Do you believe the trio will be able to become unbounded? How might this affect their relationships?

QUESTION 4. Who exactly are Hannah and Vuudo working for? Why are the two so intent in spying on Astyr? Further, what about Kazar? What spying activity is Kazar doing and why was Yanell’s presence of interest to her? How will these spying activities affect the main trio?

Delphina

It's my comic! I'm so excited!

khkddn

I have not started reading yet but I wanted to say the website looks really nice. The archive is so neat looking!!

Delphina

Thanks! I know the archive is long, so having a nice-looking archive page that would be helpful for seeing where you left off was important to me. XD

varethane

I think Sydney is my favourite, but that is liable to change at any minute cuz I like Astyr and Rana and Tenge a lot too lol

kayotics

1. I think I like lot of the more recent scenes the best. I really like the emotional depth that's happening between the main characters, specifically Astyr and Sydney. The scenes where Sydney was actively working with Astyr are some of my favorite, just because it shows a lot of character growth. 2. I like Tenge a lot (I'm a sucker for nerds), but I think I like Astyr and Sydney the best! Mostly I like their dynamic and the emotional development that has started between them. Overall, the cast is really fun because they all have something unique about them. 3. I don't really have much speculation on how they became bound together, but I do think that they're going to eventually become unbound from each other, but I think that at least Rana will choose to stay with Astyr after becoming unbound. 4. Again, I haven't speculated too much on who they work for, but my guess on why they're intent on following around Astyr is he's caused some sort of significant disruption in magic before (it seems that he does that frequently enough), or he's important in some sort of larger plot that he's not aware of.

keii4ii

Can I just say I love the main trio a lot + Tenge? Also, I'm entertaining a vague AU idea about half-ascended Astyr with one blue eye.

kayotics

Oooh I like that AU

Delphina

He looks like that guy from My Hero Academia XDDD

kayotics

huh, you're right

RebelVampire

QUESTION 5. Do you believe that Tenge will destroy his own Morphid father? If not, what do you think he’ll do alternatively? Whether he does it or not, how do you think further contact with his father will affect him? What about his relationship with Astyr?

RebelVampire

1) its hard to pick so im picking two. the first one is the scene where sydney is confronted with the fact not all demshull can do magic. i felt at that point in the comic thered been a lot of build up for sydney being confronted with her own racism, and i felt that moment was a great pay off. especially cause sydney's facial expressions in the moment are just fantastic and like she got hit with a ton of bricks. for the second fave scene though, the one where astyr and sydney first meet rana and rana discovers that basically her life is a lie. there was something fantastic in the pacing and atmosphere that really drove home the fact that this was a life changing moment for rana. 2) Astyr. I like how Astyr is sort of this gray character where he's not terrible yet he causes lots of property damage that makes you think Sydney is kind of right about him. And I really just like this complicated dynamic cause it makes you feel unsure about whether to trust him or not. I also love though that deep down hes willing to risk a lot of people he cares about. 3) i actually think it was rana who bound them all, not astyr. theres one moment where rana is looking off into the distance getting internally emotional and then suddenly the alarm about essence going off triggers. and rana is shown to basically be kind of weird where thats concerned, so i think she inadvertantly bound them so she could leave with them. Regardless, I consider it inevitable that they'll become unbounded. While Rana and Astyr will probably be fine, Sydney I think is gonna be most affected. Cause at that point she's either going have to destroy the friendship or admit that Astyr isn't so bad. I assume she'll choose the latter after all the build up, but itll certainly strengthen the relationships since the relationships will have to become by choice and not force.

4) i actually think hannah and vuudo are working for whoever organized the experiments all the half-bred children were part of. cause hannah seems like the type whod do that. so obviously if that's the case, that's why theyre watching astyr. hes their favorite experiment kid and maybe someday hell do something useful. as for kazar, idk. at the moment it just feels like kazar is just doing generic spying, possibly charged with making sure there's no peace to be made (hence why yanell is of interest to her). As for the effect of hte main trio, I think theyre just gonna become public enemy number one for both groups for various reasons, cause theyre clearly super powered weirdos who know too much and should be stopped. 5) I don't think Tenge will go through with it. He'll certainly try, but I think Astyr's pleas are gonna haunt him and he'll hesitate wondering if there is some merit to his father. However, I kind of think Tenge will banish him and still not talk to him. Overall, I think Tenge is gonna start questioning his place in life more. Wonder why he continues when he has to hide out avoiding everyone. As for his relationship with Astyr, eh, it'll probably continue to just be strained cause Astyr has bigger fish to fry right now I think.

Stefan G

@Delphina I have to take additional time to read more comics ... but the first impression is [beautiful cartoons/drawing] ... and the website looks really nice [like how you added a store, archive and how to support your art - good job ... I might steal that ] ... did you code that website yourself or do you hire somebody to do that?

Delphina

Thanks so much! My coder buddy Kemayo built me a very simple webcomic CMS, and the store functionality is powered by Gumroad, but all the HTML/CSS was done by me!

lomcia (princess_lom)

1. DETAILS! It's the best detailed page, colors are nice for eye

2. I don't have yet fav character.... but for now Brendolyn looks ok

And I read it and I need to say, that seeing how your style changed make me impress. I got a question actually, everyone got move to do comic because of some event, movie, game etc. a] Who/what inspired you to do that comic? (I'm asking everyone that question, I just want and need to know!) b] What you feel now, when you look on your comic, how characters develop and how your style improved?

Delphina

Thanks so much! I really had a lot of fun with the colors in this whole scene, so I'm happy you like them! For me: a) Sombulus was a NaNoMango project (like a NaNoWriMo community except for comics) that I started when I was putting off what I thought was going to be my bigger, better story. The main trio of characters and the idea of world-hopping to lots of weird magical places just wouldn't leave me alone. The shape of it has changed a lot, but I'm really happy with where it's gone and it's exciting to be dropping some of the big big spoilers I've had in my head for years! b) I'm going through a lot of Act 3 right now preparing things for print, so I've been staring at pages I did 5 years ago a lot recently. Part of how I designed Sombulus was because I knew it would take a long time, I wanted to incorporate the idea of each world being in a different style. When I didn't have a lot of practice, it was much easier to get the story going in black/white until I got faster at art, but it's also nice to have a built in reason to try different software and brushes. Of course, there's a lot of loose and sloppy anatomy in the past, but I'm the kind of person who really values seeing that as a sign of growth so I'm trying not to update that much and just focus on making parts of the story clearer and more supportive of where it eventually went.

(I know this chat is specifically focused on the comic of the week, so if you want answers from people who aren't me, you might want to ask in #general maybe!)

lomcia (princess_lom)

Yeah, I asked, not everyone is answering, so I'm using week and thirsday bookclub to ask

rae

Nanomango is super good at giving people a kick in the ass for projects. You've done really good with getting it off the ground

Delphina

Thanks, Rae, it's been... whew... a while! Nanomango is a good little group project, though now that I've been at this comic for 9 years, I really think trying to do 30 pages in 30 days (even as sketches) was never going to work for me, and it's never fun to feel like you've failed to meet a goal. But one thing that I think was really good for me was participating year after year gave me sort of a drafting process? Letting what I had done stew and simmer for a few months let me see everything with fresh eyes when I came back, so I could come back the next time and focus on the parts I wanted and cut the parts that didn't seem like good directions anymore.

rae

i feel like it was easier to do 30 comics with the community we had

and yeah, editing is def a thing I wish I could do more for webcomics. >_>

RebelVampire

QUESTION 6. Who or what do you think Rana is? Why was Rana locked away in the Library? What does all this potentially have to do with Rana’s strange abilities that seem to have some ill affects on magic? How will Rana’s abilities affect the group further?

keii4ii

I don't have theories because I'm the type of the reader who just wants to see the answers as they come, but I wanna say I am super curious about this #6.

kayotics

I read the same way, but yeah I’ve been curious about Rana too. Considering some of the recent pages have shown that Sydney has a very strange origin story, it might be safe to assume that Rana is the same. I like that Rana seems to often get the group out of trouble too. Rana has a lot of mystery around her that makes me intrigued to see what the full extent of her abilities are, since I think there’s a lot more to her

Delphina

Rana is so problematic because I love coming up with ideas for her, but it also means I gotta find a million references for gadgets and machines to draw scenes where she does cool things.

kayotics

Rana, the problematic fav

Kezhound - What it Takes

Considering we just found out that Sydney is the daughter of a spear and a magic spring, I'm guessing whatever Rana is, it's a kind of spontaneous creation too. Maybe she's the result of a computer dropped into a magic volcano

it's always possible she IS a machine from another world, one so advanced no one can figure her out

but...have we ever seen her bleed? Or injured?

https://tenor.com/view/arnold-schwarzenegger-blood-leaf-flannel-shirt-gif-3519051

Delphina

I am so here for the Compucano ship

varethane

omg

RebelVampire

QUESTION 7. What do you think happened in the past that ruined Yanell’s peace talk progress? Do you believe that the Kanites and Demshul will continue their fear-mongering ways, or will Yanell advance peace again? What is your reasoning?

RebelVampire

@Kezhound - What it Takes I love this Rana is a machine theory. That is so far from something I would guess, yet would love to see be true to a degree. It fits with all the symptoms.

RebelVampire

6) I think Rana is some mega essence container or something. Like connected to the origin of it all or something like that. It adds up to me why Morphids are so super affected by her presence and why she'd be locked up in the library. You don't just leave your essence power house unattended. You lock them away where they can be "safe." As for future affects, I mean I figure at some point someone somewhere is gonna be like "Hey wait a second weird magic stuff? Isn't that the person we locked in the library?" And then more manhunts ensue. 7) I'm taking a stab in the dark and saying I think it's direct sabotage. Like Yanell's disappearance and entrapement wasn't just happen stance. There is a shadow puppet somewhere making sure that no peace will ever be had. I do think they'll get to peace though. Mostly because I'm an optimist and assume peace will prevail. And also because their entire conflict seems to be based more around fear mongering than actual things they should be that mad about.

Cheshire777

I think that Hannah and Vuudo are working for whoever is messing up Yannell's peace treatys; they're pretty much the only wild cards at this point besides the morphids.

RebelVampire

(the archive for Offshore Comic is now up! https://comicteaparty.com/post/182818407550/february-4th-february-10th-2019-ctp-archive @Stefan G )

so basically its all a giant conspiracy because ppl be hating on peace? O_O @Cheshire777

Stefan G

@RebelVampire Thanks for everything, RebelVampire ... 1) really enjoyed everyone’s comments and suggestions for Offshore. Thanks y’all 2) I also rewrote/fixed the js-code on my website [www.offshorecomic.com] ... now the strips flow smoother and I added a counter in order to better follow your progression. Check it out

Cheshire777

@RebelVampire I'm guessing that the "Big Bad Boss" has some ulterior motive/motives besides just indefinitely extending the war, whether the war is a side effect or that they will profit directly from it (I've just been reading back through the old Akatsuki storyline of Naruto) I have no guess.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 8. Given what’s shown of Astyr’s past, what do you think the experimenters were attempting to do? Why were they targeting half-breed children like Astyr, Cioara, and Tenge? What was their ultimate goal having Astyr explore the Weave?

RebelVampire

8) I feel like theres some power source theyre searching for in the Weave. Maybe a person, maybe just a thing, but they need someone super good at exploring the Weave to find it. I cant fathom why though, albeit i doubt it's anything good. As for why half-breeds, I think it's because they have a different sort of connection with essence and the Weave. Like we've already seen how Rana's strange relationship with essence affects Cioara, and i dont think that's entirely on Rana. I think it's just who Cioara's own strange relationship with it too since plenty of others interact with Rana fine. Either way, I think the experimenters are just trying to figure out if their atypical nature has practical uses for stuff like that.

Cheshire777

8. I think that they were probably recruiting/kidnapping anyone with odd powers, and those three just happened to be half breeds. I think that they briefly refered to other compounds? As for what they are looking for, at this point it could be a whole lot of different things, but a magic/essence/mana/etc store is quite likely.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 9. Do you believe that Astyr and Sydney will be able to successfully restore Sydney’s physical form? How might the ordeal change their relationship? How might it also change Sydney’s views on Demshul in general?

Cheshire777

They probably will, it has been established that Sydney is dissolving: a) Sydney is one of the main characters. b) we're right in the middle of finding out her backstory. She is finding reality at odds with her brainwashing (mosty through experiencing Astyr's memorys) and will have to come to terms with that.

snuffysam

1) act 3. acts 1 & 2 I was like "essence? jumping between worlds? currency? what the heck is going on?". act 3 was like "ohhhh i get what this comic is. it's a bread comic." and i love it.(edited)

2) the combo of vuudo and hannah. something about the way our heroes just keep falling for their lies, the pairing of hannah's planning and vuudo's acting... i just love them.

snuffysam

3) my interpretation is that binding is just something that happens when a demshul tries to bring someone world-hopping. since astyr is inexperienced, he goofed up and brought sydney along for the ride.

snuffysam

4) hannah's doing a truman show starring astyr. no further explanation needed. for kazar, I'm guessing she's just working for the government as a spy in general.

looking at #5, i'm wondering... is tenge & ciora's father a morphid, or the morphid? morphids seem to endlessly divide, and neither tenge nor the morphids seem to have a "hive mind". is it possible that there's just one morphid, and it happens to be in a lot of places at once?

Cheshire777

@snuffysam From what I've observed so far, the Morphid (and Tenge's) multiplication works vaguely like Naruto's shadow clones- when they split all of them have the same base memorys, they have separate experiences and basically act like different people (that are clones of each other ), and when they "regroup" the single has all the experiences of the doubles.(edited)

snuffysam

which would explain why astyr could say something along the lines of "oh, you're one of the ones that recognizes me"

RebelVampire

QUESTION 10. What are you most looking forward to in the comic? Also, do you have any final thoughts to share overall?

RebelVampire

i assume theyre a single being, but tbf i dont discount the possibility theres multiple morphid originals. in the sense that there were multiple "original" people who split into morphids. just cause it still fits with astyr saying one of the ones that recognize me. cause i highly doubt if theres multiple originals they know whose morphid is whos. again tho, just not discounting the possibility. i do get more of the sense that they were once a single entity.

9) yes because narratively i cant forsee the comic semi-killing off a main character quite yet. and sydney has unresolved matters as well, like her meeting with her old mentor and such. idk if the experience will change her view on demshul, but i think shell come to terms that astyr has some inner demons, is a weirdo, but also has a good heart. and that he isnt out to see sydney's demise. 10) im looking forward to more of everything. i wanna see all the inner turmoils, and i especially want to find more hints as to what the deal with rana is. cause astyr and sydney dont seem to care much rana is a weirdo outside of when she doesnt eat, so i will care enough for the both of them.

Delphina

I just want to thank you all for reading Sombulus! I know it's got... several pages, so I really appreciate folks who make it through everything, and such amazing thoughtful questions and responses!

keii4ii

My brain is a mush right now and I can't articulate my feels thoughtfully, but I really want to say Sombulus updates really help brighten my day, every time. I always look forward new pages and am glad it updates twice a week

Delphina

(Also this discussion made me draw Tenge as Naruto. Poor guy, I torture him so.)

snuffysam

before the chat ends, I just wanted to say that I really love sombulus, and I can't wait to see where it goes next!

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Sombulus this week! Please also give a special thank you to Christina Major for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Sombulus, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: http://www.sombulus.com/

Christina Major’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/Delphina

Christina Major’s Store: http://www.sombulus.com/store

Christina Major’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/Delphina2k

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #book club #bookclub #webcomic book club #webcomic bookclub #comic tea party #ctp #sombulus #christina major

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anbu-legacy · 7 years

Text

SCIENCE

@kaminoko-x: (not an ask so I can link stuff) I was rereading through character asks because I finished Hard Came the Rain (there was much fluff induced screaming) and was hungry for more ANBU Legacy things (as usual). Ended up giggling about this x. As someone who worked with kids for a part time job, I just really appreciated Ogata’s insane level of kid wrangling, she is a master and a queen and I would like to be her someday (don’t we all).

I also found this x and then went on a giant squeeing spree about world building and science in ANBU Legacy because biochem is my uni major and I’m a nerd. SCIIEEENNNCE

Like, to my knowledge and googling, sarin isn’t a naturally occurring chemical species so Konoha has to have chemical and biochemical analysis, synthesis, and purification techniques to produce it. And people to research what exactly sarin does biochemically (bc Genma’s commentary indicates they probably do know exactly how it works) and streamline production methods so it could be used enough that it’s well known among ninja/medical profession as a useful potent poison. HOW BIG IS KONOHA’S SCIENCE RESEARCH DIVISION AND WHO GETS TO BE IN IT. ARE THERE ANY CIVILIANS. ARE THERE ANY NINJA-SCIENTISTS (other than Orochimaru, but does his stuff even count as actual science if it’s not peer reviewed), IS THAT A THING

Genma’s comment about using a less potent organophosphate shows his chemical and biochemical theory is at least irl uni level- I’m like 99% sure it’s from med-nin training. But it does make me wonder if you’d have science classes available if you aren’t headed into medicine. Are there basic science classes at the Academy? How far in theory do they go? What about post-academy, are they available like officer classes? Would you have to pay for them, are there any pre-reqs? I have so many questions.

It’s not at all the first time there have been sciencey worldbuilding details in ANBU Legacy. There’s been a ton of medical details in particular, and anaesthetics and drugs and soldier pills are a thing. And that one village medic had salve from the war described as good for chemical burns in Suffering Fools and Kakashi mentions gas as part of the war in Worth the Pain, so chemical weapon development is a thing too (is that how sarin was developed?). Idk this one just particularly caught my eye and set me off ahahhaa

——

When we got this, Ki and DK both said, “This is yours to answer, Nezu.” Probably because I’m 90% the one who throws overly detailed science and medicine into our worldbuilding. And I have been sitting on answering this for approximately ever, not because I didn’t want to, but because I wanted to do it RIGHT and then pretty much paralyzed myself into inaction. But that’s no way to honor what might be my favorite ask EVER. So, @kaminoko-x and any other science nerds in our tiny fandom, here goes…

Disclaimer #1: Answers to character asks aren’t canon. It’s possible that I overstepped in choosing sarin as my example, and should have chosen a more easily synthesized neurotoxin like strychnine.

Disclaimer #2: I’m an avid student of medicine and science, and a skilled researcher, but I’m not a medical professional and I don’t have a science degree. I made a left-hand turn partway through university and transferred from a science program to a theatre program. And then worked for many years in user experience design for computer software. But if I had both infinite lifetimes and health, I’d totally be a scientist in several different fields. And a doctor and a veterinarian. And of course, a writer.

BUT ANYWAY… Let’s get to it!

The world that Kishimoto handed us is full of contradictions that we writers do a lot of contortions to make work. They have computers, which implies plastics, semi-conductors, microchips, clean rooms, micro-machining, and a whole lot of basic chemistry and physics. They have video cameras and CCTV. And they have chakra that can cause explosions, create water dragons, and heal what ought to be life-ending traumatic chest injuries using the patient’s hair. They notably don’t have gunpowder or projectile weapons, which real Japan had in the 1500s. They go everywhere on foot because who ever heard of the wheel or horses, let alone an internal combustion engine? Except wait, don’t they have trains? And wasn’t that a motorboat they took to get to the Land of Waves in Naruto’s first big mission? Yeah, so there’s that.

So here’s OUR canon: they DO have technology and scientific research. And they do have a basic understanding of a lot of the science we have. Even if we gave them only pre-industrial-revolution tech, they’d be able to do sophisticated chemistry, and as we’ve already seen, they have much more modern tech than that.

Continuing education for ninja is for all ninja, not just ANBU and not just officers. It’s a requirement, whether it be classes in practical skills like map-reading, sword combat, cryptography, field use of poisons, first aid, etc, or academic studies like history, literature, medicine, poison synthesis, engineering, and other less obviously ninja-y skills. the more academically inclined can take classes above and beyond the requirements. And those looking to specialize, like Ryouma taking medical training, obviously have a whole series of classes tailored to those specialties.

So yes, Academy kids do get science classes, although they are probably couched in ninja terms. It’s not physics, it’s calculating the trajectory of your arrow. It’s not biochemistry, it’s synthesizing ricin from castor beans. Even if they only go as far as elementary education, they’d have to have some basic math literacy.

There also has to be an army of civilian workers who do things like keep the power plants running, dispose of the garbage, grow the crops and raise the livestock, slaughter and butcher the meat, weave and dye the fabric, etc. And an associated army of merchants and traders, bankers and investors, restaurant workers and chefs, and all the other people who make a society function. And some of those people have to have scientific and engineering knowledge, or there wouldn’t be television for Naruto to watch Captain Seaweed on.

I’ve always believed there are peer-reviewed journals and academic institutions in this world. Konoha isn’t a university town, but that doesn’t mean there are no universities in Fire Country or any of the other countries. And our ninja would have access to at least some of those journals, etc.

There are definitely chemical weapons, and probably biological ones as well, if even only the crudest, medieval forms, like throwing diseased corpses into a city’s water supply. (Human history is appalling.) And there is not gunpowder. Maybe development in that line is actively suppressed. Or maybe there’s some reason that it doesn’t work, because chakra. Either way, ninja wouldn’t want civilians getting their hands on weapons that could take down the ninja’s position of absolute military supremacy.

Ninja scientists absolutely do research and development. That’s how soldier pills came about and continue to be refined and improved. That’s how new poisons and chemical weapons come about. And you bet your sweet ass the ninja want to keep control of that research and development. Just like the military runs weapons research in our world.

Sarin, in particular, was probably too modern an example, though. I should have gone with strychnine or curare or some other neurotoxin that has been known and used for centuries. But sarin is the ultimate organophosphate poison, and I’m a giant nerd who researched organophosphate poisoning for my very first ever fic (which is embarrassingly bad to my much-improved writer eyes), and it’s a great class of poison for storytelling. Plus it’s believable in the semi-tech world of Naruto. Also I have an illness that is caused by a neuromuscular junction dysfunction, and the medication I take for it, pyridostigmine, acts a lot like a weak organophosphate poison, and would make a person without my disease quite unhappy.

Um… I feel I may have wandered into the weeds a little. The point being, yes, there is science and technology in our world. Yes, Academy students get a basic science education. Yes, there is continuing education, and there are both ninja and civilian researchers. And yes, I would love to sit down with you and talk about your many questions, Worldbuilding is my one of my favorite things, and so is science and medicine.

But of course my REAL favorite thing is thoughtful, engaged readers who ask fantastic questions.

<3 and SCIENCE, Nezu

ps: I completely agree, Ogata is a paragon. Ki’s AMAZING at writing kids and their minders.

#submission #kaminoko-x #asks #science #anbu legacy #nezu #is a big nerd #worldbuilding

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stephantom · 7 years

Text

here comes some drunken, uncapitalized and badly written, introspection and whining

the thing i dislike about teaching is that bad days aren't just 'unproductive' days. bad teaching days are days where you feel like you're failing a bunch of kids. of people, in a vulnerable/impressionable/crucial time of their lives. and maybe you also feel like they're failing themselves a little too. but you feel kind of guilty about that, because it’s part of your job to believe in them no matter what, and to push and support them. and then you feel torn between coming down hard, thinking "it's more important that they learn this than that they like me"--and the suspicion that they’re on to something "IS the assignment actually that important? important enough to force it on them against their will? more important than the friendships they’re forming here or the hobbies they’re pursuing? maybe they've got it figured out fine. they saw through this lesson plan, saw the bullshit, and they're gonna move ahead in the world just fine by doing what they like and making connections with people."

i don't know, but it's. just so much shittier than just being shitty on your own.

and then there's my one TA who i like a lot but who also really stresses me out a lot of the time because she talks SO much and shares SO much, to me, to the kids, the warner brothers people, the parents, ANYBODY who is in her presence. and maybe i resent it? maybe it makes me feel anxious, and maybe there's some secondhand embarrassment when she overshares about all her weird experiences like they’re unique and amazing, and swears excessively to the kids to be “edgy” and “relatable” (she’s 22 lol she’s just a kid herself and i’m an asshole for judging her, honestly--and isn’t that what i’m doing right now anyway? i just can only bare to do it in written form (/when drunk)). but fuck, she can get it, you know? she's networking, she's getting interviews. and i just cannot. fucking. do that. watching someone else do it makes me want to sink into the ground. the thought of doing it myself is. impossible?

i don't know how i can have a future, if that's what it requires. i think that's how you make dreams happen though lol. like, i think that's how you get a job you actually like, with people you feel comfortable with. maybe. or maybe that's impossible too.

maybe i'm just fundamentally a pessimist in a way that makes "the good life" a non-reality.

not that i'm really convinced her approach to life leads to that either. it seems like it might lead to happiness but also Drama. and i do not need that. and the people who pursue happiness and success with that same kind of aggressiveness while studiously curtailing drama are repulsive in a different way. the people who value discipline for discipline's sake, ambition for ambitions’s sake. shallow, self-serving pursuits.

the role models i found for myself as a teenager--what i aspired to be--were early/mid-20th century writers and philosophers, who themselves were already a bit antiquated in their aspirations and role models. cambridge/oxford types. i was a philosophy major in college, you know (not computer science--what i’m trying to do now). fucking... wrong generation i guess?

philosophy. lol i learned to think too much and then i learned to unlearned it, mostly. eventually. and i'm pretty happy right now, i think. maybe happier (in the steady happiness sense) than i’ve been since i was a little kid? i feel like i'm... actually pretty good at navigating and regulating my own moods and at self-acceptance. and those were hard-learned skills. but i'm less sure about self-evaluation. i still just don't really know what to do with myself and i don't at all feel justified in selling myself/my skills/my competencies. i don't think i have anything that another human being should pay me for.

so how can i exist?

when it comes down to it, i think maybe that's the feeling that's stopping me from pursuing things. from networking or asking for jobs. and what stops me from being an actually good teacher, too. because a teacher has to have something worth teaching. some knowledge and wisdom, etc. i'm just, you know, existing. i've got a few skills under my belt, but they're not anything anyone else couldn't just teach themselves if they wanted, and i haven't mastered them to the point of being an expert or. or anything.

faith in yourself. how do you get that? some people seem to just already have it?? where do they get it? i feel like they actually just never feel like they need to justify it, like their starting point is “qualified until proven otherwise” and that is NOT a point i feel like i can achieve, ever. i don’t know how to rescind that skeptic’s approach to life, especially concerning myself.

i just. fucking. i want a really simple task assigned to me that i know i can complete and that i know does a service. i want to be a garbage pickup person. you know? a sandwich maker. anything. things that need to be done! things that people want done! that i can do! but everyone in my life keeps telling me not to do those kinds of things. i like learning but i have NEVER felt like learning has opened doors or lit up paths for me.

i did have a really straight-forward clerical office job for a couple of years. and that was pretty good. except that there was still weird office drama for reasons i could never discern and i did still kind of have this feeling that i should do something "more".

but i wonder if that "more" should be on the side. hobby time. personal "real" life time.

people in the office resent you for not thinking of your clerical work as your real life though. i guess that was the main problem.

but idk. there must be a place where that's the way it goes.

but would everyone else in my life be ok with it? especially after all the time and money i've spent on various degrees and classes?

teaching might be ok except that there's that doubt of WHYYYY am i making them do this if III didn't do anything with it?

and there are still big, professional, rich "successful" person jobs that i, on occassion, daydream a little about (being in the film production assembly line, writing software for animators, doing VFX, being part of a cool development/support team for some new software that benefits the world) but when faced with that circumstance, "right place at the right time! go talk to that person and get them to want to hire you sometime!" i just... fucking shrink away. i say “i’m actually really not qualified” or i assume it’s impolite to say anything at all. it seems completely and totally foreign to me that some people's instinct is to actually approach that moment, to go talk to that person. to talk to any person.

honestly, people are scary. lol i think i'm really bad at... life

how do you be.... good at life? and do good things for people? when you just want to get by but also be good but you feel like you actually only have enough energy to... sort of just quietly exist?

probably most or many people do actually feel this but they just push past it without making this big THING of it and i’m just being ridiculous and making a big deal out of a feeling that’s normal and manageable. and i feel like i’ve been told that all my life, really, in different ways. and i know it’s probably true. but i also think that i have always looked around at people (people in general, people just doing life things) from time to time and thought: ...how??? lol

reading this post over again, i feel like i should find some kind of conclusion to end it on that’s not “how??? lol” but i don’t know what to say. i think that’s a genuine admission, that that’s a thing i feel pretty conclusively about myself and my relation to the world pretty frequently.

and i find myself pulling up bias-confirmation data from my life. any time someone you cared about criticized you in a way that felt really heartfelt and accurate (my mom, my sibling--especially that one sister of mine that one time), or when your cousin told you that her mom/family has always thought of you as “just... spacey” and “a lost soul”, or finding out around age 12 that your dad once had a sister, and then finding out at age 26-ish that she probably killed herself (but you still can’t actually get a straight answer from anyone??? does anyone fucking actually know the physical cause of death even?) and your mom described her as a “lost soul” to you and she was very certainly an alcoholic (like your grandfather, like your father)), AND then finding out that your dad’s uncle tried to kill his mother and spent some time hijacking cars before eventually ending up on a prison bus where he died after trying to shoot his way out (wow, thanks, ancestry.com!! i was told he died in an “accident”!)... i don’t believe in genetic determinism, really, but... i don’t know. i do sort of feel like that stuff is kind of in me, in a way? (and a lot of the time i’m afraid to tell people about that uncle story, even though it’s sort of an awesomely-crazy story, because i’m worried people will believe that it makes me 1/4 murderer or something, genetically.) but, at the same time, i guess by such extreme standards, i guess i should conclude that i’m doing just great!

that was a weird paragraph to add.

fwoo. lol so i’m going to just go to bed and listen to podcasts now i guess.

#personal #it's a long post so. feel free to ignore it #i'm drunk lol idk #i wish that weren't always the case with posts like this kind of #lol guys #ALL I AM IS EMPATHY AND SKEPTICISM #and escapism obviously #that's what this 'blog' mostly is

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lostmyurl · 7 years

Text

This is a personal post about my own identity, about some realizations I have long since been coming to, something I need to get out and organize and get off my chest, so please don't come here with any generalizing comments, or about how I'm generalizing people. This is me, my experience, my dysphoria, my life. If you want to reblog or leave a comment or something, or inbox me, or something, you're more than free to, just please, please realize that this is about a post me and my self-image alone. As a kid, I always wanted to be a scout. Always. I never did, though. We only had Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts back in Texas, and in Poland, too. Idk. It just didn't sit right with me to be included in "oh, just girls here" or "oh, just boys here." I don't like gender-separated areas, and I never did, even if I didn't know why it put me off so much. I mean, I guess I didn't know when I was that young that it was dysphoria speaking up? But as I got older, and I started to hit puberty, shit just started getting a LOT worse. I had a period of time where I decided, nope, you're DEFINITELY a cis girl, I wore so much pink it was bizarre and outrageous. I like the color still, just… I feel bad because I associate it with that period of time really intensely. So I can't wear it at all or I just… hm. It's a shame, really. It's such a nice color. But it's just tied to so many memories of trying to wipe out anything I felt that didn't fit. After that, it was a period of 'so what the fuck are you?' Anybody who knew me about two years ago knew I kept changing my mind, trying to figure out what was going on because nothing felt right. A friend had to suggest it, if maybe I wasn't just imagining things/had low self esteem/was gnc, and really, for the longest time, I wondered if I was a closeted trans boy. But while being addressed as "he" helped, it didn't feel right, either. It was SO LONG until I realized that what actually felt right wasn't the decision to use "he" or "she," it was the actual moment of hesitation, the fact that I was presenting androgynously enough for it to be unclear. It's… still really really frustrating and muddled, but I've figured out enough about reading testimonies from trans people to know that what I'm experiencing is definitely a combination of dysphoria and euphoria. Here's the thing, though. There's a distinct line between nonbinary and gender-nonconforming (gnc). Being gnc would mean that I wouldn't feel uncomfortable or wrong when somebody used a set of binary pronouns for me in accordance with my assigned sex, or even the one across the binary. You can be gnc and cis, or gnc and binary trans, and one doesn't preclude the other. And neither of those means nonbinary. It's an identity that's… okay. TMI, I guess, but ideally? In a world of people who identify as men and women, I'd like to inspect my own body, go on a character selection screen, and remove all primary and secondary sex characteristics traditionally thought of as belonging to binary genders. Penis? Wrong. Vagina? Wrong. Boobs? Wrong. Facial hair? Wrong. Hourglass figure? Wrong. "Dorito" figure? Wrong. Et cetera. Et cetera. I'd like to be freed from all of those and I don't know why it's weighing on me so heavily. Delete, delete, delete, even if it meant leaving me a near-featureless default doll. Before anybody accuses me of hating people, I don't mind any of those traits on anybody else. This is my own body I'm talking about, a truly personal experience and an idealized dream. In dreams, I am occasionally perceived as male, rarely as female. Regardless, whenever I can remember, I have always been "other" in my dreams. You know- like on multiple choice exams, 'A,' 'B,' 'C,' 'D,' 'none of the above is correct'? Like that. I first learned that nonbinary genders were a thing from a classmate. Pejoratively. Like they were other, lesser, freaks. "What do you mean, neither? You can't be neither." It was religious studies class, that I remember. Of course, that wasn't the word they used. It was "homo-niewiadomo," a partially reclaimed slur that literally translates to "homo-who knows really" and doesn't just refer to gay people but any people falling under the queer umbrella as a whole. I was torn between "what???" and this kind of "that's a thing?" My next experience was on tumblr. I met a wonderful person who actually lives in my city. We've met nowadays. Years later. I was a kid then, maybe 15? 16? They said… I don't remember what it was. Gender-questioning? Something like that? I didn't pretend to understand, not yet, but I wanted to know more. All this sounds like I've had a lot of influence, but really, so much of it was based on introspection, questioning, doubting. Yeah, self-harm happened, too, whether by actually drawing blood or intentionally forcing myself to embrace hyperfemininity or by pushing myself to the point where I can't wear a color I love because it has all those negative associations with things I did to myself, things I said, trying to cut off unwieldy and inconvenient parts of my personality and decide I'm "moving on." I did the same thing about being autistic, about being ADD, and I look back on that now and realize that all I was doing was ensuring both my mental health and my physical health suffered. And my grades. Those dropped too. Performance in all respects. I ruined a lot of friendships that way. I guess some of that is a behavior learned from my parents. Forbid anything that's not productive or conductive to school that you're too "dependent" on. It's… really the worst fragment of their parenting (I think it's how they approach themselves, too) I could've possibly internalized. And something that disappeared basically overnight as soon as I was old enough to point out it wasn't actually helping, it was hurting. Now it's just there in my head, eating at me. They're not bad people. They're not bad parents. They treat us like human beings, instead of like enemies to trap in a maze of "because I said so" and arbitrary obstacles, like so many fakey-nice perfect suburban American families I've seen. They're learning, too, their home lives weren't perfect and they're not prepared to deal with a neurodivergent (not "normal") kid at ALL. They're always so confused about how "brilliant" I am and how I have trouble with "easy" stuff, about how I get overwhelmed with too much input. About how no, exposing me to that input doesn't help, it just increases the chances of a grown adult having to lock themselves in a dark room bawling into a pillow because it's /too much/. The truth is, I don't know. I know that what I need to alleviate dysphoria is basically impossible. That unlike a binary trans person I do not have the possibility to transition and eventually attain the body I identify with. This is why I can't go back to the Bible Belt, or attend a super-religious school I might've gotten a good scholarship from. I can't. If I had to go back to all that, to dressing up and doing makeup and "girl talk" and asserting over and over and over that I am like you, I am like you, I am like you, I would lose my sense of identity completely. What fragile sense I've even built up for myself. A person I can be now, somebody I almost like. Not quite, but almost. It's progress. So much progress. I'd go back to hating myself for not being like you, yes, of course I'm crushing on a boy, oh, yes, absolutely, please help me look more feminine more often, I'm just a clueless tomboy who doesn't know what she's missing :) :) :) If you're a girl who loves engaging in typically feminine activity, I support you and your interests, as I would if you were anybody else and your interests didn't hurt anybody. But it's not for me, and honestly, it's silly, but so many of my nightmares involve people turning on me and deciding they'll help me look more like I'm supposed to, be like I'm supposed to. "You have such a beautiful woman's body! Don't throw it all away!" you can have it you can have it you can HAVE it please take everything, take the horrible breasts, take the horrible curves and the horrible cinched waist and the awful "delicate features" right off my face. I don't want these. I can't be grateful for something that I look in the mirror and I feel can't belong to me, it shouldn't. It's wrong. That's not me. Please don't tell me "you're a pretty girl, you should appreciate it," don't tell me I'd like it more if I wore more skirts, I promise, I TRIED that. I did. I tried all the possible ways of loving myself and embracing a female identity in both gender-role-conforming ways and not. It doesn't work. It's like a software patch called "gender" was installed in almost everybody's brains except my own. All I'm left with is extraneous hardware that acts as malware without the driver patch. In a way, though, things are looking up. I've managed to figure out a thousand and one ways to avoid the entire (gendered) past tense in the language I speak at home. I've figured out a thousand more ways to avoid revealing, I've learned to see when I'm succeeding and when I've slipped up, when their eyes shine in triumph and they finally use binary pronouns without asking. Would it be so hard to ask? I'm not even sure what I'd say except "thank you." It's only happened once to my face without snark and it was the best thing I'd ever heard. I blew it. I wasn't expecting it. I shrugged and said "whichever you please" because I got so flustered, I didn't know how to respond. It was unexpected. It was wonderful. I should've said "neither, really." I could've said "I'd prefer not to say." If I hadn't been speaking Polish, I would have asked for “they.” Maybe. If I had the guts. "Whichever you please" was a step in the right direction though… right? This post doesn't have a point. Not really. Just laying some stuff out in text because they finally make sense that way. If you want to send hate, save it for other posts, okay? Have a shred of dignity and comment on posts tagged discourse, or posts in which I express an opinion about something that isn't this introspective.

#personal #Lynn speaks #nonbinary #ok to reblog #genderqueer #queer #familial #self harm TW

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whatevenis2016-blog · 7 years

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I just want my life to be different lol

I've been trying to find a new job bc I am so sick of my current job. It seems like my boss has no respect for me, bc it's a small business I don't even make minimum wage, I have to work every weekend and get a huge amount of shit if I want a weekend off (like once a year I ask), I'm a trainer so I always work with shitty new people and my boss doesn't even appreciate all the crap I have to deal with, it's food service which I obviously don't want to do forever or even much longer bc fuck that, I've worked there for almost 3 years which is way too long at a job like this. I want a different job that pays more, where I only have to work Monday through Friday, and work morning through early afternoon. At least until I go back to school in the fall. But like there only like 2 people left a work that I even like working with. So it's just a bunch of little thing that are all piling up until I hate work. And my coworker is also trying to find another job but she's afraid that if she gets a new it'll be worse than our current one. But idk maybe she feels that way but I don't think there could be a job that I like less than my current situation. Bc even if the job kind of suck, the pay will still be good, the hours will still be good. Ya know? I think it'll be fine, I just need out, I don't even care. I also hate school and don't want to go back. Like I'm regretting my whole school plan. Going straight from high school into college, first bad move. I should have taken a break bc now I feel like I'm dying. Going to a 4 years school instead of a 2 year, second bad move. I wish I had just gone to a 2 year school, got a degree in business and I would be done by now, like holy shit. I'm currently going to school for Studio Arts which I know is stupid. Who gets an art degree? Retards. That's who. But my "emphasis" is Graphic Design. So like obviously not as bad as like a painter, cuz then I would really be screwed in the employment department. But like the thing is, I don't really like Graphic Design? Okay maybe that's not right... It's more like I don't think I would like other people telling me how to make "art" for my job..? Cuz I wouldn't be able to make things I like, or do things my way bc it will be for someone else. Ya know? So I feel like I would either hate doing it, or my clients who hate my work. So like I'm feeling like I'm going to minor in Business like a smart person. I'm gonna go ham on that and then just finish my major up but really focus on my minor. Like I really just want to get a normal "desk job" tbh, work Monday through Friday. I feel like most people would hate that, or be their worst case scenario but I would be so down for that. Do the same thing everyday, have every afternoon and weekend off? Sounds great. And then in my spare time I can do all the things I actually enjoy. And I could possibly do some freelance graphic design in my spare time. But I really don't think I want to try and make a living out of that. Or I could try my hand in greeting cards and stuff cuz there's quite a bit of money in that market. I also want my appearance to be different. I don't like my current hair colour and I don't really have the time or money to do anything with it. I also chopped all my hair off over a year ago and I've finally decided to grow it out. But it's very short so it will take an insane amount of time to grow back. And it's at like an awkward length and I don't like the way it looks but the catch is, if I cut it to make it look better I would be losing length. In the long run in that worth it? Probs not. So I'm just kind of dealing with hair that I over all don't like. But once it gets to a decent length and I have money I'm gonna get extensions again. And my hair will look nice and I'll be happy. I've also gotten very lazy with my makeup which also makes me sad bc I don't feel that great about myself. I also want to buy all new cloths (bc I'm a girl and that's what we do) but I'm broke for 2 reasons, one bc I don't get payed enough at work and 2 bc my dad hasn't been working since he's had surgery. So I've been trying to save as much money as possible to we can, you know, live? And stay in our house? So in essence meaning not really having money for makeup or hair stuff or a lot of other stuff. Actually my work shoes are so fucked rn and people literally make fun of me but you know what? Fuck them. I don't have money to be buying a pear or shoes just for work? Plus I hate my job so that also adds to me not buying shoes for there. I also really want to get fake nails bc I love them. They look so nice and they make me feel good but again no money. Plus I fractured my finger a while ago and lost a finger nail. Sooo if I did get fake nails I would just be missing one nail lmao. When I finally have money one of the first things I'm going to do is buy a desktop computer. But it's gonna be crazy experience, I already know. Bc I want at least 2 monitors. One for graphic design (school and freelance) I think it will really help me get better bc I'll be able to work on stuff outside of school. It I'll be a touch screen and be adjustable. In addition to the monitor for graphic design I will need all the software. Then a second more standard monitor. I want both Windows and Mac on both monitors. I want to be able to game using both monitors. I want them to be able to use them individually and also simultaneously. Eventually I want to get all the stuff I need to live stream, so webcam, mics, headset, speakers. But like idk what I want to do first... Cuz I really want the set up to game.but I should probably get the graphic design stuff first... Or the other option would be to get the gaming monitor and cpu, then get both Windows and Mac and then get a drawing tablet thing instead of a touch screen monitor? Maybe probably. That would probably be the less expensive route.. and then just using external hard drives probably to keep my gaming and graphic design stuff separate. I also want to draw more and be better at drawing. But like I never have any motivation or inspiration to draw and or don't have time to do it. But maybe if I get the computer set up that I want, that will help with motivation. And if my work doesn't suck that much maybe I could sell my works online? That would be cool. I also want to get back into jewelry making and that's something else I could potentially sell which would be cool. Overall: No fucking idea. Like nothing about my life is how I want it to be except for my friends. I have awesome friends and a great boyfriend. But like I never get to see them bc of work and my dad stuff so even that sucks. But I have a plan. I know what I want, I just have to get there. I'll get there. Someday The thing is I know I can get to where I want eventually but like I don't want to be that old when it happens. Like it would suck to not be able to do all the fun things I want to do when I'm young bc I just can't bc of money or shitty jobs or school or so on. And like better late than never? Idk idk I don't know how I feel about all this. I just want to be happy

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cerealmonster15 · 7 years

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u know whats exciting for me but also kinda scary

i changed my major do digital arts last semester and the main thing i wanna do for it is 3d modeling/animation

and i mean, im terrified that im not gonna be able to do it/i’ll hate it/whatever but

im really excited about it and all the other arts classes im taking, and i realized im sorta following my ~childhood dream~ of being an artist

cause when i was a kid i liked the idea of drawing pictures and painting and stuff, and art was always my favorite class, but when i told my mom [who does painting and crafts and stuff for craft shows she does with my grandma ;p] that i wanted to be an artist, her immediate reaction was to go “o youll starve, artists dont make money” and im like well shit [except not really bc i was probably like 6 or something] and for so long i just threw the idea of being any kind of artist out the window bc it wasnt “realistic”

for a while i thought i wanted to be a doctor bc my grandpa’s a doctor and i liked the idea of helping people

but i’ve never really been particularly interested in biology and after taking honors bio in hs i realized it wasnt my thing

i still looked for other science and math based classes to find my interests in, and while i could handle them at a basic level, going deeper was stressful and just wasnt what i was into

digital arts tho

that’s fun. it’s a bit stressful, but it’s fun and i like it so far. i just hope i continue to like it enough to learn something useful so i can get a job ;p my mom is actually really supportive and says I should make the most of my ~college experience~ and that changing majors around and finding what i like is part of the process, and i guess now that ive got a more practical idea of what i wanna do, it’s more acceptable than just a vague “idk, i will art”

if 3d modeling doesnt work out, i was also interested in the interactivity and art section, even tho im not really sure what that means? like part of the summary is ‘computer interactivity by exploring human computer interactions, software programming, sensor acquisition, and the translation of human movements into expressive multimedia art forms’ which sounds stressful but super cool. we’re supposed to do 2 sequences and ive already started the digital video one, but maybe i’ll have extra time in my schedule for an interactivity class :”) i gotta meet with my adviser tbh, we got a lot to talk about

and then there’s grad school?? like, i dont go to an art school [i thought i was gonna do physics or comp sci HAH] so there’s only so much i can learn here, so the idea of grad school is both exciting and stressful bc, bleh, more classes and more spending money.

right now, im excited about taking my drawing class, and im gonna try to take drawing ii as well as painting and maybe sculpture to help me out with 3d modeling concepts and stuff so i’ve got a better idea of color theory and proportions and all that good stuff

i wanna be well rounded

i really wanna learn art

im excited, and im scared, but i have a clearer(ish) view on what i wanna do with my life. physics i had no idea. comp sci was pretty open ended and i was interested in game design. digital arts/3d modeling and animation, i could still try for game design but the more artsy side of it

and maybe... work on shows :”) maybe rooster teeth, tho i know like 56564675 people have dreams of working there too, so that’s a little intimidating

but i gotta say theyre part of the long process of me getting re-inspired to study and pursue art

rooster teeth and a lot of my supportive friends who are always so sweet to me and helping me out emotionally and encouraging me :”) it does help me get through times where i really feel stuck

i think i’m doing what i want to study now and not what i feel like i “had” to do because it was “safe” cause really, those werent “safe” options for me because i didnt like them and i didnt understand them

i think in pictures and am a visual learner

i think im where i’m supposed to be right now

i’m scared

but excited

#hella long so i put a readmore in there #im just getting some thoughts out #now i gotta do more of my drawing weekly homework that ive been ignoring lmfao #have a good day pals

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canaryatlaw · 6 years

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alright. so today. it went well overall I guess, I’ll get through it. My alarm went off at 8, I was out the door by 8:30, made it to school by 9:30 (it literally takes exactly an hour to get from my apartment to school, which is convenient for time planning purposes) and dropped my stuff in the PAD office and hung out for a few minutes before heading up to my exit interview at 9:45. Basically the deal is they have to collect info about job plans post-graduation for the ABA before graduation, and then again in 10 months from now. So I said I had nothing permanent lined up at the moment, but had some opportunities that could lead somewhere. I mentioned the tech company and he was like “oh yeah, I’m actually familiar with them” and he said he’s found a lot of public interest students actually go on to work with regulations and they end up really liking it, so I found that encouraging because my greatest worry about that job would be that I’d hate it. And they wanted to make sure we know we could hit them up for help with jobs at any point in the future, so that was nice. I got a little yellow paper slip stating I completed my exit interview so I can pick up my cap and gown next week (nice little incentivizing there on their part) and then I was done. I went back to the PAD office to grab my laptop and headed over to the library to get some printing done. We always got like, $75 dollars or something each semester in printing credit, when it’s like 10 cents a page, and I knew I had a lot of money left so I thought printing this 94 page outline would spend most of it- nope, I still had $190 left in my printing account. Shame I can’t repurpose that money, but oh well. I printed the outline, used the 3 hole punch (they have the super heavy duty one that can do like 50 pages at a time) then headed back to the PAD office, where I spent a while integrating the outline with the case briefs I had already printed out, because the outline was almost entirely case briefs, so I would find where a case was in my case briefs, then put where it was in the outline as the next page. I think it worked pretty well, it made it a little harder to flip through, but it was definitely easier then having to flip back and forth between the two of them. and yeah, I more or less killed time after that until around noon, where I went to the little market place that moved in next door to the school where I’d been getting salads from, but they had Italian food on their hot bar today, and well, needless to say I did not get a salad. Opted instead for cheesy garlic bread (YUM) and stuffed shells. I was a little disappointed in the stuffed shells because the filling was a bit too salty for my taste, but I still definitely enjoyed them. At 1 I headed upstairs to where my final was gonna be held starting at 1:30. People were milling in and out, trying to set things up and such. We can do the tests on our computers, but we have to use this exam software that shuts down every other application on your computer so you can’t leave the actual test. But yeah, we get ready, I’m feeling pretty good, and when the time comes we start. It was all essays, which is like, what I’m best at, so that was good, except I apparently really fucked myself over because I forgot to print out the cases that were posted on the class website and not in the book, and guess what? Literally all of the cases brought up in the test questions were ones from the website. every. single. one. And I was basically like, well fuck, but there’s not much I can do about it now, and I at least still have the case briefs on them, so we’ll work from those. I did almost have a heart attack for like 30 seconds because there were two cases we read that started with the same plaintiff name (and it was like, a long title) and I accidentally was looking at the wrong one first, but then I realized it was the other one and it wasn’t in the book and for a minute I thought I had no case briefs or anything on the case and I was legit going to drop dead on the spot, I was so stressed. I briefly considered just writing a note at the top of my answer like “so I didn’t have any information on this case, so I’m answering the question based on the other case with this plaintiff” because I feel like my prof would be the type to basically be like okay cool and grade it from there, probably with some point penalty, but he wouldn't just write it off completely. But thankfully I was able to find the case briefs on the case and managed to write a semi-decent essay, it was hard because I didn’t have many details to go off of, so that was kind of rough. The second question was somewhat more in my wheelhouse, it didn’t involve a specific case but instead a hypo and what claims could be brought from that, so that was easy for me to analyze and draw a case comparison to. One part was like “list any other alternate claims she might be able to bring” which is of course a big give away that there are other claims, and I picked up that in a “throwaway” line in the prompt it dropped that they received federal funding, which made them liable under Title VI as well as Title VII, so I felt good about spotting that. This was also the question about retaliation, which is what I know really well from real life experiences, so that was definitely my strongest answer. Questions 3 and 4 were shorter, worth half as much as 1 and 2. I didn’t have the cases they were based on, so my answer to question 3 was kinda short but I was able to extrapolate a fairly good answer for question 4. I finished up at 4, so with half an hour left. I started editing, and I knew I wasn’t happy with the case illustration I used for the first question, so I went back and found a more analogous case that I was much more satisfied with. So I checked it over again and then I was done. I was kinda irritated because I knew I could’ve done better had I been fully prepared, but at the same time I knew they were still solid answers, I may just get an A- instead of an A (which will drive me nuts, but it’s not like it really matters at this point). So I turned it in, left the classroom and legit dumped my 150 pages of outline and case briefs in the recycling bin they have in the hallway lol because I had no use for it anymore and didn't want to carry the extra weight home. So I started the trip home. it was raining when I left the loop, but by the time I got off the train it was more of a light drizzle so it was already for my walk the rest of the way home. I stopped at the ice cream shop and got a scoop of cotton candy ice cream (I love that shit) in a sugar cone, then kept heading home. Upon getting home I just dropped everything and laid on my bed for like, 10 minutes, which felt very good lol. I didn't want to do any more studying for the day because I was pretty academically exhausted, so I sat in the living room/den (whatever we’re calling it) and watched more of A Series of Unfortunate Events before Riverdale was on, simply because I really didn’t have anything else to watch, not that I’ve particularly been enjoying it. At 7 I turned on Riverdale, and I really don’t know why I keep watching this dumb show, it’s so overdramatic and ridiculous, and yet it is somehow enjoyable. After that episode I had an hour to kill before Designated Survivor was on, and I had asked for comedy suggestions on twitter, so I turned on The Good Place and watched two episodes of that, which was highly enjoyable. Designated Survivor.....wasn’t my favorite episode. I’m VERY glad my girl Andrea is not the traitor here who’s gonna be brought up on like, international treason charges for obvious reasons because I really thought that that was where they were going with it, but then I was still sad when they basically wrote her off anyway. As far as the main plot, I am so over Michael J Fox and his literally one character he can play, like legit his role on this show is the same. exact. thing. as his role on The Good Wife, and he was annoying AF there and is still annoying AF here. Idk why they feel the need to keep bringing him back. It was nice at least to see him get humbled a bit in the end there though. Then there’s Hannah, my girl!!! What was going on with the ladies tonight, are we losing Andrea and Hannah in the same episode??? Like what the hell is going on with that??? I very much hope that both of them return at some point. After the show I watched the news for a little bit, then started getting ready for bed and now here I am. Tomorrow I have PT at 12:30, then probably studying for either Remedies or attempting to teach myself the entire Secured Transactions curriculum over the next week, which sounds ridiculous for sure but I am fairly confident I can actually do it, did it first year with property and last semester with bus orgs, so 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m not really concerned. So yeah, we’ll see how that goes. It’s almost 1 am so I guess I should bit you all goodnight for the time being. Goodnight babes. Stay wonderful.

#daily journal #May 2018 #IT'S GONNA BE MAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

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azntoastyz · 6 years

Link

Please, ignore me ramble if you want.

This is an article that lists the general differences between computer science and software engineering. Although my chemistry degree is not related to any of these fields (except software that run with instruments utilized, but let’s be honest. I don’t use any except the IR/moisture analyzer or ERP system), but I have taken a class here an there (who hasn’t? according to my brother’s best friend). I mean. . . he isn’t wrong. Because I’ve indulged myself in one C++ course (knowing the basic functions in every language), a week SQL course provided by oracle, and completing a little HTML/CSS thing on codecademy. Yeah, I can make relations between the applications that I use and generalize what software developers or engineers used to like create this application so I could do what I do.

I don’t completely know the details yanno? I am curious though. Whomever created tumblr? How tf did they come up with these ideas? What I’m afraid of is the industry being over populated with people who have knowledge of tech. People say that there will always be tech jobs available, but I learned that the demand and supply of people with specific abilities for a job will determine how much that position will offer.

I am a chemist. Specifically a quality control chemist, even though my title is quality control lab technician. The bottom of the bottom. Working in the manufacturing industry, I know that I have a lot of knowledge to gain, but it is mostly knowledge of business, how this business works, what we sell, how to handle different situations with unhappy customers. Being a qc chemist is not what I thought it would be. When I presented at STEM week at a middle school, I remember listening to an electrical engineer that works in manufacturing (i am assuming she works with the machinery). Obviously, manufacturing has machines, and they need someone with special abilities/mindset to operate, maintain and fix them if needed. She says that’s the jack pot, but the thing is “is it satisfactory or enjoyable?” I kind of feel like a robot, but everyone has a task that they can do with experience right? I feel like if someone really wanted to, they could learn what I do within a month, and do my job. Maybe that’s why I’m lowballed, but idk.

Why am I looking towards careers in technology/pursuing a career in tech? It’s not the first time, I’ve decided this. I know that I should’ve done it in the first place in college, but I felt like I was too far into my chemistry program that I should finish. Besides, I was getting pretty good at chemistry, and everything I’ve learned as an underclassman, I got to see how they intertwine with the upperclassman classes and labs. I thought it was where I needed to be. When I took that C++ class in college, it came so natural for me like I absorbed that damn info. I did very well on the exams, and when it came to the weekly homeworks, they were hard to debug after creating what I needed to, but when I finally did, it was hella rewarding. Especially, teaching it to my classmate/when she didn’t understand I was like hell ya i’ll explain it! (except matlab omfg that taught like at < month left before finals so I had to focus on my other courses as well). I decided to take an SQL course at oracle after I graduated, and I saw myself actually being in the tech business. I have traits in me where my father said “you’d be a great engineer” as he is one himself. I have a tendency to organize things and make sure everything is in check as a hobby. I don’t mind sitting in front of a computer as a job, working from home or talking to people about projects (I would like to have an environment like that. Right now it’s very casual. I’m not complaining, but it’s so casual to explain). There are so many reasons that I could blab on. Wait why not? this is for me. I would like to have projects instead of a stream of things coming in doing the same stuff. I, honestly, feel like a machine at a factory. thinking about the future, I want to have a family. I want to spend time with them. At this career, I am exposed to toxic chemicals. I will become pregnant, and I will still be dealing with these chemicals. It’s scary.

I’ve been looking for inspiration, and I found videos on youtube by this channel called “the school of life.” One of my fears is that I’m too late to switch careers. He made a point though: how tf will most people know what they want to do in adolescence? I’ve been an adult from 18-24. That is 6 years. out of those 6 years, I’ve spent all of them really thinking about what I want to do. 2 of those years, I’ve been working as a qc lab tech, gaining experience in this field. He made a point that this point in our life seems like a huge chunk of our existence as its like a fourth of my life. He said to think in the long run. We generally retire at the age of 65. I’m 24. That’s approximately 41 years of working. Do I see myself working in the job for 41 years? What is 41 years compared to 2 years of schooling and another 2 years of gaining experience again? I’m deciding to be at this job for 2 years minimum. I have 8 months to really think about it. I will make a deadline for myself. Either I decide to dive in, or decide to find a new job and work my way up to technology (tech in the field of chemistry maybe pharmaceuticals). It’s quite scare as I will be 25 at the time, thinking about moving onto the next stage of my life (not career wise).

“I’m looking at the curriculum too much rather than specific job.” My task at this moment is to learn about jobs in tech and see if there are any jobs that are related to my field. If not, and I find something in just tech. I should go for it.

#ramble #tech #career #change #chemistry #personal #future

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