#i also cant help but feel like that might be a reason for the disconnect between kratos and atreus before they mended their relationship

[wyldhunt]

thinking about how atreus didn't really get any of kratos's features — he doesn't have his dark hair or his yellow eyes or his olive brown skin, he's a perfect carbon copy of his mother. her red hair, her blue eyes, her pale skin, can you imagine what that must be like for him?? seeing so much of his mother when he looks in the mirror, how much he must miss her when he sees his own face? can you imagine what it must be like for kratos, to see so much of faye in their boy's eyes?

#chatter #god of war #atreus #kratos #i say ''can you'' because *I* can ! because ive lived this !! #losing a parent when you're young that you grow up looking like a 1 to 1 recreation of #and having your other parent see them in you every time they see you #not to get like. Super Personal but #my mother has literally burst into tears seeing my eyes when i take sunglasses off because they're just my dad's eyes #and the thought of atreus dealing with the similar feeling of seeing someone who gave you life in your own face after theyre gone #is comforting but also pains me to imagine him thinking of #the thought of atreus growing his hair out during his journey to find the giants and ends up looking even more like his mother #or the thought of him finding *comfort* in their similarities‚ like shes still there in the smile they share #i also cant help but feel like that might be a reason for the disconnect between kratos and atreus before they mended their relationship #like kratos already feels he's not worthy to be atreus's father and when atreus is born he looks nothing like kratos #and kratos is *relieved* because atreus wont have to grow up with the ghost of sparta's eyes #and its easier to distance himself for atreus's sake and divorce himself from the role of father #so atreus can take even more after his mother that he already looks exactly like #but then she dies and kratos is left with his son who looks just like his mother‚ with her eyes and her mannerisms and her lessons #and not an ounce of kratos's influence in his life #and kratos has to deal with that and come to terms with that and be there for atreus #and he does! even if there a moments where his throat feels tight seeing the quick flashes of faye in atreus's features #and his heart hurts because he misses her so much #but he loves atreus more than his heart hurts in grief #anyways #im emo over the kratos-faye-atreus family and have my own issues to work through can you tell

[big-greer]

I know i dont usually post stuff like this, for the longest time if you had asked me what my gender was id say i was a regular guy..but in truth i say that but i never really felt like i "Fit" with the term guy. Like in my brain whenever i think of myself i never really think specifically about being a male. Before i just assumed "oh its cause i am one, obviously i wouldnt consciously think of that. its sort of a given" but looking back that clearly wasnt the case, always joked how i barely counted as a guy and most people either would laugh like its a joke but a few days ago a coworker asked why..and i sort of froze up cause i had never really stopped and asked myself why? Like i knew i didnt act like a normal guy, i didnt think like one, i never had that attachment to the title of being male. so i always felt this disconnect from manhood, and even when my father tried to teach me to be a man it always felt like i was just an outsider looking in and learning a lesson through a window or something. he tried all kinds of stuff you would expect a "manly" guy to know, hell he even taught me how to track through a forest (would cut notches in trees and we walked from the top of a mountain to the bottom and had me lead us back following the marks he made. yeah dad take your like 14 year old to the fucking bottom of a mountain and make me track cut marks like some legendary hunter lol). and he would always explain what manhood was and i just....it never connected to me you know? i always chocked that up to the fact my dad was never really around (after he and ma divorced he sorta slowly dissapeared from my life till he was dead one day) and so i figured i wasnt like a regular guy cause i was raised by like, 95% woman only so i thought that might be why? but as ive come to realize it isnt that and ive just never really vibed with the idea of being just a guy, its never clicked for me.

Now dont get me wrong, the idea of using she/her pronouns actually is uncomftorable to me so now i feel like im sort of just floating here? in between gender in my own sort of like...little world and im worried about doing it right. Yeah i know "oh i want to do good at gender which is a logical and reasonable thing that can be done" i know i know. But like, i dont want to wear makeup and dresses and stuff (though nail polish would be nice, perhaps a good black would be cool.) and i feel like i dont particularly want to wear any womans clothing? i like guy clothes, there comfy, fit me nice, and for obvious reasons they are all i got lol. Also i like having my goatee and facial hair so thats also a thing. i just worry that after browsing the nonbinary tag that cause of stuff like this i wouldnt be good at being nonbinary, or that i would do it wrong. OH also that i would still be comfortable with people using he/him pronouns as well as they/them but wouldnt feel comftorable with somebody using she/her ones (perhaps this is just cause he/him pronouns are all ive known my entire life and thats why im more comfy with them). yeah all that makes me worried id be doing nonbinary wrong, which i know is a dumb sentence cause nobody can do gender "wrong" and that its a personal thing that is up to only the person whose gender its about feelings on the situation. but that lingering doubt is still in my mind, that i will be some sort of fraud or not ACTUALLY nonbinary and stuff. cause lord knows alot of tumblr views nonbinary as just "WOMAN 2" and if you arnt some hyper androgynous person you arnt actually nonbinary and i know i know, i shouldnt care what fuckin morons on tumblr say.

But gender stuff is new to me, VERY knew. Lord knows i still have strange feelings towards being ace and sometimes worry im not "ACE" enough to be considered ace. so im def still fighting some internal demons about this stuff. But having good friends around is helping out alot and i cant even imagine how id handle dealing with this sort of stuff alone (cause lord knows what little family i got left wouldnt be the most...supportive) anyway uh, gender is fuckin wild and confusing and stupid and simple and everything and nothing and lord does it give me a headache.

#gender fuckery #nonbinary #i guess i consider myself nonbinary #even if im worried im not nonbinary enough #whatever that means

[yellowbluemoonshine]

Hi! I hope you are doing okay ❤

Do you think All Might will die? And if yes then who will kill him?

Thank you so much, anon ^^! I am trying to be better, i am fine. I hope you are doing well, too :)))).

I dont know that he will die or not but i see possible parallels between him and Endeavour in future chapters.

The last time in manga we saw Allmight, he was rushing to somewhere and i assume its most likely Shigaraki and Deku' side. He always wanted to talk with Shigaraki even since Shimura reveal but he was powerless and now, he thinks Midoriya shouldnt carry all the burden and it is his responsibility so i expect him to go there.

It is mentioned that Allmight will be brutally killed by some villain in Overhaul arc by Nighteye. But we also saw that future can be changed so it is no certain that whether he will die or not. Maybe he can die to save Shigaraki but i think Shigaraki wouldnt like that another person (other than his mother) die by trying to save him. It might be terrible for him so maybe, this time, he and Deku whose flaws are being self destructive heroes might try to live. Which would be better conclusion for their arc.

Another reason why i think he will most likely be involved with Deku saving Shigaraki mission is because Endeavour is involved with Shouto saving Dabi mission right now. (It seems author decide to make adult heroes involve with kids 'saving plan' too). (There might be parallels to Bakugou apologise Izuku moment because Bakugou and Endeavour characters/redemptions etc is parallels but i hope it doesnt happen because that is terrible writing). Allmight is indirectly failed Shigaraki and Endeavour failed Dabi in any way possible. It is their responsibility after all so before Deku and Shouto save their foils, Allmight and Endeavour will take some responsilibity for their past actions. Of course, Allmight is nowhere near as bad as Endeavour and the fact that Allmight will choose to come to Shigaraki while Dabi had to chase after Endeavour to make him face...even this shows the difference between them. So yeah, this is what i think it will happen. Whether they will save them together with kids or they will help kids from behind or they will say 'Sorry' or they will show some sort of remorse action to make Shigaraki and Dabi calm down and meanwhile, kids definitely will show there is hope for future so they can stop killing themselves and others.

Though, there is another thing will most likely happen to save them. Recently there is this repeated theme in league chapters. 'Friends'. Afo made fun of Dabi for not having friends. Spinner asked help from Kurogiri to save Shigaraki and others in a chapter named 'Friend'. Kurogiri is having identity crisis in war by saying 'f-f-frie-friends' and trying to help league and Aizawa-Mic at the same time. Mirio made Shigaraki mad when he said 'You dont have any friends' and Shigaraki screamed 'No! I do have them!'. Dabi and Toga recently bond through Twice's death. Toga is having crisis because she feels disconnected from her dear friends because she cant become them. Even Afo seems to be suspecting about someting with his plan because of it.

If we connect all this together with 'Shouto saying He felt saved because he has friends (class 1a)' and 'Deku shouldnt fight alone, he needs his friends', this friendship theme will definitely have a big role to defeat Afo/solve the problem and save them. They all need their friends. Separating them wasnt really a good plan. They need to come together eventually. Kids will be the key to save them, to change their minds but eventually, it might even big help for them. Especially for Shigaraki since 'save me' is main theme of his arc and since he saved league by giving them a home, they (especially Toga and Dabi since they never showed how much they love league and Shigaraki) might play a role for him to be saved from Afo. The answer is everyone coming together for a better future since this is the story of how everyone become heroes together. And this time, actually saving everyone. (Maybe reaching but if Afo turns into child, maybe he will even be saved idk, maybe this will be Bakugou's role since there is some parallels between them idk and well, the one who dont have friends is him since he used them all so karma too, well, we will see).

Anyways, friends are the key, here.

#mha theory #mha meta #bnha analysis #bnha 383 #bnha 384 #anon ask #allmight #endeavour #endeavor #dabi #league of villains #midoriya izuku #shigaraki tomura #bnha parallels #kurogiri #aizawa shouta #mic #toga himiko #uraraka ochaco #todoroki shouto #mirio togata #class 1 a #afo #all for one #bakugou katsuki #deku #bnha 382

[spidersmiceandeverythingnice]

I really like how you explained in detail what happens during Calanmai, with descriptions from the book and all, because I didn’t quite remember how it was and almost fell for one SJM Stan saying that “well it’s actually like Tamlim drunk too much bear at a party and proceeds to assault Feyre” and I always felt like there was something deeply wrong with how they choose to interpret it? Like girl I know that Sarah’s not best at worldbuilding or consistency or development or depth or… well, you get it, but she hasn’t thus far retconned how that ritual works? If you can recognise that Lucien was taken advantage of by having to go in Tamlim’s place, use the same logic and just apply it to the other character, you don’t need to like him to do that, just make an effort to not be an hypocrite.

Sorry for the rant, but sometimes I cant help but be deeply disturbed by some really incoherent takes that are posted here, and I need a place to just express my frustrations 🫠

Oh I definitely feel you - unfortunately this kind of disconnect is kind of par for the course with SJM works because of her way of building narratives. Rhys and Lucien are victims of assault because them being male assault victims absolved them - in Feyre's eyes - of wrongdoing committed against her. I think @worldsnotsaid has a great post about this (sorry for the tag but they have a great link tree on the blog about some of these issues) - where abuse in ACOTAR isn't bad because abuse is bad, abuse is bad because Feyre is good. So characters that hurt Feyre need to be redeemed some way because she is good and people who dont or cant protect her are bad - even though Lucien risked his life multiple times and was actively punished for trying to help and protect Feyre when she was held prisoner by Amarantha, he is "tainted" with his loyalty to Tamlin, who is positioned as the narrative's bad actor. At the beginning of ACOWAR, Lucien tells Feyre he's sorry that he prioritized the guy he's been close personal friends with for hundreds of years and who is also his boss over Feyre, whom he has known for a year and whom he believed to be kidnapped by someone who had actively assaulted her, someone with the ability to brainwash her. Then it is revealed that Lucien was raped (because the biracial disabled faerie who watched his fiance get fridged while his family held him down doesnt have enough trauma) and THEN Feyre decides that he was good all along and is worthy of help. This is a pattern: the reveal that Rhys never wanted to be Amarantha's right hand man and that he was forced to have sex with her as part of "the mask" immediately absolved Rhysand of any bad actions he committed against Feyre. Now they "share" trauma and can reminisce about how a sanctuary for SA survivors is a healing place for both of them... even though Rhysand is the cause of Feyre's sexual trauma.

The problem with this narrative is that SJM can't acknowledge that Calanmai involves rape by its very nature because then she'd have to acknowledge that Tamlin is a victim, and he can't be a victim, because he is not good. That's why Ianthe specifically had to get involved when Lucien enacts Calanmai - because Ianthe is Bad and if it were any random female then we might get close to acknowledging that hey, Calanmai is pretty fucked up, isn't it? Maybe we shouldn't frame Tamlin as being sexually aggressive since the only time he's ever shown acting in a sexually aggressive way is when he gets roofied because that is a super necessary part of this yearly ritual for some fucking reason.

It's incredibly fucked up. I hate hate Hate HATE the idea of rape as redemption or rape as a means of empowerment and I don't understand why authors fucking do this. And again - I'm of the opinion that Tamlin doesn't need redemption in this narrative. He needs to be on meds for PTSD and chronic depression but he's not evil. Only... he has to be because if we acknowledge Tamlin as a sympathetic character then it breaks the entire world of ACOTAR because it means that people who aren't nice to Feyre can also have trauma and be victims.

#anti sjm #WHEW long post #anti acotar #tamlin

[rontra]

this ask/reply is long so im just putting it together as a textpost help me shark if you're out there

Anonymous asked: hi ok im super super sorry if this is bothering you but ive been meaning to ask it for like 6 months or something . i was introduced to your work via skin game and my brain latched to it ever since i read it. me and some other friends really enjoyed the fic even if it was a short read and i was wondering if youre comfortable sharing chapter 2 either publicly or privately? again im ultra mega sorry if this comes off as creepy or weird or something ive been stressing over it for liek 3 days since i didnt want to bother you :(

either way, love your work so much. your fanart introduced me to both arknights and rwby (though a friend kind of pushed me to actually start watching it lol) and theyre both really great series :) your work is a huge inspiration for me and my friend group and your writing is just insane /pos

(3rd paragraph omitted bc i cant priv reply and im excluding your offsite info even if its under a readme HFDBHJF)

hi shark!! ofc i remember you we are like soldiers side by side in the trenches of takano posting 🫡

so first of all thank you so much for following and enjoying my work 🥰 i'm always happy to help drag people into the arknights/rwby zone HEHEHE i'm glad you enjoy what i make!!! it means a lot to me 😊 thank you!!!

now. THE THING ABOUT skin game ch2. is that it's pretty rough. i had a look at it the last time something prompted me to think about the fic and it's not really presentable (i don't know if i even finished editing it back in ….. 6 years ago… oh god). it also doesn't have all of its art (which might be a blessing in disguise given the art it does have is …. 6 years old… oh god)

getting it to a state i consider readable would take a good chunk of work, which is why i put it off again after looking at it. it's almost 12 thousand words of … uhhh… shall we say… unnnnpolished material. i think i couldn't even share it privately because i would be embarrassed to show someone something so unfinished and janky. not to mention not having all of its art finished. so i got kind of stuck last time and just put it off again bc the amount of work it very obviously needed was like. "Christ OK Not Now" yknow…

it does bolster the spirit when i remember you and your friends. it means a lot to me that you care about it even after so long!!! i just have NO idea when i'm going to get around to editing something of that magnitude @_@ i was really a dummy about chapter lengths back then… HFDBHJGJMK

it's really kind of a shame too becahse chapter 1 and 2 together are sort of the introductory portion for our 2 primary characters. so it feels like only half of the intro is done right now. since ch1 detailed how kyrie ended up at that plaza meeting takano, ch2 would detail how takano ended up there, meeting kyrie. and then we would proceed into the future from there. as a renowned Takano Guy, obviously i was very interested in this, but for various reasons i never finished polishing it and drawing the art…

ch2 also features ikuko so you KNOW its dear to me

overall being like 5-6 yrs old theres a disconnect where i don't feel like ch2 right now is achieving what it should, and i see a lot of concrete problems with concrete solutions, but it's an editing of such Magnitude that it keeps being pushed back in favor of other stuff. oh, ephemeral soul…

some of the art i did get done for it is pretty cute though, like these baby miyos;

so that's pretty good, but i didnt FINISH drawing the art, ARGHH

it is really hard to say. bc when i KNOW there's people out there who remember it and care about it, that does motivate me to return to it. but it has a lot of stuff that needs doing, and is a very old project, so it's unclear to me right now when it would receive the attention it desperately needs before it can be shown to other people... i super can't in clear conscience accept anything like payment/etc for that kind of vague half-promise either, although i appreciate the thought xD

i'm sorry it's such an inconclusive answer, but i am sort of an inconclusive guy when it comes to projects... i jump around a lot as i'm sure you've observed in your time following me 😭 it's important to me to have that freedom, but i do care about SG too, so we just sort of have to see if i can surmount the magnitude of the work i accidentally set up for myself half a decade ago (*turning into stone*)

but it makes me smile when i remember you're out there thinking about this weird little AU. so, thanks. 😌 a soul still burns...

.

and then after all that CH3 was going to have more of best girl 🥺.....

WARGH <- BEARER OF THE CURSE

[letpol]

Untitled...

It is weird how things can change in a moment.

For some reason i haven't found an answer for a simple question, what do I want to do?

It has been more than a month, this question comes through my mind several times a day and for some reason i feel fine with no answer. At least a concrete answer.

As there are goals i have but i'm currently just trying to live my best life and try to enjoy it.

Having suicide roam your mind every single second of your life is hard, harder than people think it is. Seeing a grey world is fucking depressing.

Seeing how life loses colour, that's the toughest part. Having all those vibrant colours around and not being able to notice them, it hurts.

As someone who already experienced what's on the other side let me tell you that it is worse. A big empty black nothingness, that's the other side.

Walking aimlessly and endlessly with your own thoughts. Knowing well enough that your mind is your own worst enemy.

Loneliness is hard, for both mind and body. End up losing interest in every little and small thing you used to enjoy.

Depression ends up killing you inside bit by bit, in chunks so small that you don't notice it. People around you will start noticing it, they will tell you and the same depression will silence their warnings.

Having to constantly play music within my thoughts to hear some background noise instead of my own thoughts, or the silence within my own head, which is scarier. The silence within your thoughts is hard to describe. At least the feeling of it. As someone with always something making noise when the silence arrives it is hard.

Feels like a void, like i've been disconnected from this world. Like i no longer belong here. Weirdly as it brings some discomfort it also brings a deep sensation of peace. Like the world finally did shut up.

Losing my safe place was the trigger that made me start to work on myself. Sounds weird but it is true.

The moment i lost what i loved the most was the moment that triggered a change in my life.

As it was the moment i knew that i had lost myself. Lost sight of who i was and what i was set to do.

Would love to see that i have found my path back, unfortunately i haven't.

I know, somehow, that i'm currently working on finding my correct path, has been hard. But knowing that i'm on my way is what has taken me this far.

Doing things that I have never done before has helped too.

Going step by step is the way, sometimes depression will bring you back, but all you have to do is keep moving in a direction, doesnt matter which one as long as it itsn't going back to where you have been.

Reached the point where human life became meaningless and more of like a game, thats the point on which i decided it was enough. As I didnt want to end up becoming a psychopath, as seeing people die in front of me became meaningless and sometimes even fun.

Thats the point that i realized that i was going on a dark path. When human life became meaningless at all for me. Seeing people die even became a hobby and got to enjoy it. Human stupidity at its finest so i thought those lives were just a waste of resources.

It came to a point where i was just deceiving myself and everyone around me as i had become a soulless man with no ambitions at all. Lying to myself every second telling myself that everything was gonna be fine while knowing i was a complete mess inside, slowly killing myself.

Might write a little bit more another day or just might droop it here. Im just leaving my mind run wild a little bit.

Meditation is key to getting better, at least in my case.

The only reason you cant change is because you're dead. If you want to make a change just do it, dont wait for when it is too late and you will regret it. Already lost what i loved the most, but thats the reason i decided to change. To get back what it's mine and work toward that path of personal happiness.

Who knows if i'll get there, if i do, i just hope that the journey will...

#emo #suicide #sorry for being depressing

[tobi-momo]

The Third Set

PAIRING: Tsukishima Kei x Reader

GENRE: Romance | Pining | Fluff | A lil crack (kinda)

WARNINGS: not proofread | a lil ooc and soft at the end (pls dont get mad at me 😭😭)

WORD COUNT: 1k+

A/N: hihihi ok so this idea literally came to me while reading another fic (i cant remember it now im super sorry) and it wouldnt leave my head so i couldnt NOT write it yk? pls keep in mind that it gets rlly soft at the end and really out of character😭 i just hc that does affectionate things during an adrenaline rush, like he's too hyped to care ab what going on around him he just wants to see you, and so this is basically where that came from kasjkhasd- also this is not meant to be spicy at all whatsoever (although some remarks from the others are made that way when you read) its supposed to be romantic and lighthearted, so pls dont think its that sexual😭 also thank you @awmahleebkg my wife for giving me the confidence to post this i love you baby <333

Watching Kei play was one of your favorite things to do. Sure, that might sound a little sad, but watching him and his team working together on the court was something that you wouldn't miss the world for. Until an away game came along, it taking place somewhere farther than they usually are, and since you weren't a part of the team, you couldn't take the school bus with them. So, you took the city bus. He might have told you not to, he might have told you to wait at your house for him to return and tell you about it, but you couldn't help it. This was an important game, and you needed to be there and support him.

He was nervous, although someone who didn't know as well as you wouldn't be able to tell, you were always able to see right through him. Always able to tell when he was nervous or scared, even intimidated. He found it annoying, that you were always there for him, confused as to why you dedicated your time for him, but years after your first meeting he realized that he would do the same for you. You didn't know that his heartbeat the same way for you as it did for him, and he sure as hell didn't know that the reason you stuck by him all these years was to feel that exact heartbeat next to yours.

[3:37 P.M.]

Kei <3: Stay home, y/n

Y/n: but it's an important game! i want to cheer you on!

Kei <3: I'll tell you what happens after I get home if you really want me to. But stop whining at me it's annoying.

Y/n: 😠😠 let. me. go.

Kei <3: No.

Y/n: i hate you so much

Kei <3: Sure you do

You wouldn't listen to him, of course. Why would you? You get your bag ready to leave, filling it with snacks and water bottles to help the team out.

By the time you snuck in, it was half-way past the second set. Tensions were high and sweat was dripping off their jaws while they gain each point. You made sure to stay a little quieter, not wanting Kei's attention to be drifted away from the game, especially since you weren't supposed to be there. By the time they won that set, they were tied with the other team. One more set left, things are getting really heated.

The score remained close to each other throughout the game, Karasuno being two points away from a win with their opponent three points behind them. Watching Kei as he looks at the floor with frustrated eyes, obviously mad at himself for not doing better. He frowns, taking a sip of water so no one sees it. You can see a slight tint of fear in his eyes- he was scared of losing the set. Although all you've seen were blocks of perfection, even a couple spikes that hit the court floor aggressively, points going towards Karasuno once more, he thought he wasn't doing good enough. You knew he was amazing, everyone in the room knew it too, so why didn't he?

He jogs back on the court after a timeout from the other team, getting into a serve/receive position, waiting for the ball to come over the net. The server on the other team hit the ball over, sending it straight to Nishinoya, who receives the ball perfectly, passing it to Kageyama. Backing up into the set, Hinata runs behind Kageyama, surprising the blockers on the other side of the net when Hinata smacks the floating ball down with his might. Instead of the ball hitting the floor, the left-back position receives the ball at the seam, shanking it towards the audience.

Another point.

The crowd goes wild and the air tightens as the scoreboard raises. You bounce on the bleachers and stomp your feet in excitement, knowing that this match would be over soon.

Kei exhales sharply at the whistle, relief, and nervousness seeping out of him. He can do it, he thought. Only one more point. When the ball passes him to the other side of the court, quickly moves to the right side of the net, jumping and completely regretting his decision once the ball hits the floor. He watches the ball trail off in shock, the whistle suddenly getting too loud for him. He grits his teeth in defeat, thinking that it would be over for them. His head faces the ground, his hands are balled up in fists. That's when you decide to take initiative.

Inhaling a harsh breath, you stand up putting your hands on each side of your face before yelling out to him.

"TSUKISHIMA KEI!!!"

His head whips from the floor, his eyes widening once they find yours in the big crowd. You stand out- to him at least.

"DON'T GIVE UP!!! YOU GOT THIS!! LET'S GO!!"

His pupils dilate at your figure cheering him on, suddenly wishing he hadn't told you to stay home. He didn't know you were there, or how you get here in the first place, but he was glad you came. He wanted you there. His shocked expression turned into a smirk of confidence before he turns back around and goes to his position. The whistle blows once more, telling the server that they can go. He refocuses on the court, watching the ball and everyone near it, analyzing everyone's movements and predicting where the ball is going to go. The big spiker on the other team runs towards the net with his approach, swinging his arms back, ready to slam the ball down as Kei quickly beats him to it, jumping and raising his arms on top of the net in defense.

The ball smacks the floor of the court.

Kei's eyes glow when his feet touch the ground again.

They won.

He tries his best to catch his breath, heaving once his teammates trample him on the ground. You scream in victory, jumping up and down, sprinting down the bleachers to the team, them welcoming you with tight hugs and cries of joy. Electricity coursed through Kei's veins, adrenaline making his sight clearer, his hearing less muffled and his breathing a lot clearer.

You see Kei on the other side of the court, getting up and steadying himself on his feet once you two lock eyes. You run towards him with a fast pace, him reciprocating as his legs speed up toward you. You jump on him, clinging to him as much as you could when wrapping your legs around him, digging your head in his shoulder. His hand immediately grab the back of your thighs for support, helping your body balance on his while you tug on his neck.

You praise him, telling him how proud you were of him picking himself up and being the best, telling him how amazing his blocks and spikes were, how amazing he was. You could hear his breathless laughs of joy, a genuine smile painting his face when you subconsciously pepper his face in firm pecks from your lips, showering him in sweet affection for his win.

"YOU DID SO AMAZING KEI!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!! THAT WAS SO COOL!! YOU SHOULDA SEEN YOURSELF OUT THERE! OH MY GOD THAT WAS- THAT WAS PERFECT!! I KNOW YOU WERE DOUBTING YOURSELF A LITTLE BIT BUT YOU WERE AMAZING THE WHOLE TIME I MEAN-"

Your words muffle when his lips crash onto your- a rough, exciting kiss that has you moaning in his mouth from surprise and desperation from wanting this for the longest time. Your hands slide up from his neck to his cheeks, palming them and pulling him closer while your lips disconnect and reconnect rapidly, not being able to get enough of each other. His hands subtly, but firmly squeeze your thighs while you tilt your head, giving him the chance to kiss you deeper. The amount of emotion going through your bodies, desperation, love, excitement, impatience, relief, mixing with the adrenaline in your system's causing your worlds to finally collide and mix.

"What are they doing?"

"I don't know but I feel like I'm interrupting something"

"I think they're the ones interrupting"

"Just let them have this one, guys"

"They are literally about to do it on the court how am I not supposed to feel uncomfortable, Suga-san?"

"Aw, these lovebirds are finally getting together, I knew it would happen"

"Liar, you bet they wouldn't!"

"Tanaka-san! You weren't supposed to say anything!"

You couldn't hear any of the banter in the background, your only focus was him, and his only focus was you. And all the team could do was watch.

pls i know this was rlly ooc im super sorry

taglist: @combat-wombatus @hitosushi @toosharkinternet @alpha3113 @flattykawadoorusmilkbread @solar3lunar @zerohawks @katsuhera

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu drabbles #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu hcs #tsukishima #tsukishima kei #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima x you #tsukishima x y/n #tsukishima fluff #tsukishima drabbles #tsukishima scenarios #tsukishima headcanons #tsukishima hcs #haikyuu tsukishima #momo<3

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

so i'm trying to get a better understanding of loveless aros. i had thought that they were just aros who were completely uninterested in any type of long-term committed relationship/partnering but then i read something on this blog that confused me a bit? they said that loveless aros dont love at all and i know they cant be saying that loveless aros dont have friends or care about anyone or anything. i guess their definition of love is very different from mine and thats where im confused???

I'm not sure there is a firm definition of loveless aro at this time. It's a newer concept and I'm still seeing a lot of discussion on it. Definitely some loveless aros do associate love heavily with romantic attraction, or long-term committed relationships, but others I've seen say they feel like love is just a really big emotion and what they're feeling doesn't feel like it's big enough for that. Some people process emotions differently or interpret them differently, so may not necessarily see something like caring about someone or being close to others as love. A lot of loveless aros are also neurodivergent or have experienced trauma, and both those things can effect how we experience and interpret emotions as well.

So there are definitely more reasons and ways to identify as a loveless aro, but hopefully that can give you an idea of how some people might approach or relate to the label. In general I think it's for anyone who feels disconnected from the concept of love, feels like it doesn't apply to them, feels like it's not accessible to them, isn't sure if they feel it or not, or rejects the idea of feeling love.

I think you can definitely think about it as people have different definitions or love, or people interpret emotions differently. Some people have different experiences with how they experience emotions too. And I think the big thing that loveless aros are trying to say is that it's OK if you don't experience love, or feel like what you're experiencing isn't really love. Humans are complex and emotions are complex. And people are really diverse.

So I hope that makes sense or at least helps you understand the concept a bit better. The LGBTA Wiki has a really good page on loveless aros. I also really strongly recommend to look up what aro bloggers who identify as loveless aros are saying too. Because they really do explain the concept best and what that means to them personally.

All the best, Anon!

[warmau]

kick it!au x nct 127

more like punk!au 127, but it’s inspired by the n version of the album!

taeyong

only heir to one of seoul’s biggest tech businesses, but no matter how much his parents try to get him to act like one 

he really could give a rats ass about it 

sometimes his parents think he’s doing it on purpose - the over the top outfits and the heavy music

the skipping out on important meetings, the hanging out with people who don't even imagine what kind of tax bracket his parents are in

but taeyong just cant bring himself to want to give his whole life away 

to slaving over some company in some high office in a building so far off from the wonders life has to offer

he’d rather run around and experience what he can while he’s young and his body can handle it 

so for a while, he just runs away - it sets of a massive panic throughout the city of seoul as his parents send out search teams and private investigators

and the police are put on the case 

you watch the news and sigh, spotting taeyong spread out like a comfortable cat on your couch

“you know sooner or later they’re going to find out you’re here.”

“no they won’t. you were an intern in our legal department - you never even officially met me.”

he answers, playing with the threads off of his holed up tshirt before sitting up

“hey - if you really don't want to be involved in this, just run away with me to London like i offered.”

you take a bite of toast

“won’t that just get me more involved - we’ll both become fugitives. well i will, you’ll probably be saved by your parents money.”

taeyong’s eyes darken and his beautiful features fall sullen

you hear him hit the back the pillow with a soft thud

“i wish i wasn't living my life on the back of my parents - it’d make everything so much easier.”

you get up, leaning over the couch to look down at him 

you met him when you’d gotten fired from your internship actually

why? because you threw hot coffee on some creep manager trying to feel you up and taeyong, who’d been passing by the floor, had watched mesmerized as you’d yelled at him for even thinking of touching you

it was the most badass thing he’d ever seen and when you were dragged away and tossed out of the building

he’d run up to you and offered to help you out

you thought he was saying he’d get you your job back - which you didn’t want because you didn’t want to work with creeps

but taeyong had actually meant getting you a favor at another company

even if he was a punk kid with no interest in business, he was still pretty charismatic with the other kids his age with parents in high places

he was the reason you had a comfortable life now - so when he shoed up on your doorstep you couldnt say no

now you’re looking at him and he’s looking up at you - the lost look in his eyes makes you so sad

“i cant run away with you anywhere, but you’re welcome to stay here for as long as you want.”

his lips turn up in a smile but before you can pull back he leans forward and you feel the softness of his mouth brush yours

you freeze with your hands digging into the couch and taeyong puts out his own palm on your cheek

“what if i wanna stay here with you forever?”

his tongue runs along the outline of your bottom lip and you feel the strength in your arms sort of fade

“are you doing this just to piss off your par-”

you start when you pull back, but he shakes his head and taeyong is not good at lying

“no. im doing all of this because i do want to be with you.”

jaehyun & johnny

guitarist and drummer of their garage punk band that they started in highschool together

to be honest, johnny had suggested it as a way to get themselves more popular - and jaehyun had thought it’d be a fun way to pass the long summer days

but now they’re actually pretty well known in the underground scene

and have went on to play booked shows in packed bars and events

they even have self designed merch which is kinda,,,well,,,,their fans love them anyway lol

you’re actually a server at one of the bars they play pretty frequently, and even though most of the crowd is pushed up on the stage when they play

there are some stragglers or bored significant others who occupy the tables in the back and who you have to deal with 

they usually complain to you about the loud, thrashing music - but you have to say - you kind of dig the duo’s chaotic energy

plus jaehyun always looks handsome in leather black jeans and hair slicked back, while johnny looks just as enticing with disheveled brown long bangs and a right sleeve full of tattoos 

you think some of the people in the crowd don’t even fancy the music that much either - the two musicians are pretty much a sight to enjoy on their own

you actually favor,

jaehyun - the guitarist and the main singer who always looks cold and put together

you sometimes akin him to more of like a businessman than a punk musician

but he really does have a lovely voice when he isn’t screaming into a mic

also - he tips better than most people - when he comes back to the bar to get a drink after the show

fans usually follow behind him like ants on honey

but he always makes it a point to get a few minutes before them so he can chat with you

his questions are usually about how you like the songs, you have the sneaking suspicion he’s the one who writes them

and you always enjoy the moments before his hoard attacks him

one evening you collect his bill and are surprised at the large tip again - but also at his number scrawled at the bottom and a question

thinking of writing my first love song, i think you can really help with that.....if you’d want to.

johnny - the drummer and the wilder part of the two

he’s got tattoos and is always jumping around and throwing drumsticks into the crowd 

he looks like a mess when he’s up there, feeling the music and going insane with the fans cheers

but when he gets off stage he has those long sweaty bangs in his face

and usually is missing a part of his shirt that either tore or was torn off

he always finds you after, when you run back to the kitchen which is beside the back of the stage

usually for more snacks for the bar - and he always coaxes something free out of you 

you like his one-liners and genuinely happy smile so you dont mind

and sometimes he tells you about a new tattoo or a new city he’s going to get or visit

one evening he stops you when all you’ve got is a wine bottle in hand and asks if you have a second

you agree and follow him into a part behind stacked speakers and almost drop the wine when he pulls his shirt up by his teeth

through muffling you understand him saying “look, i got my first hip tat!”

you see the tiger that’s disappearing down below his belt

“how big is the whole thing?!”

you ask and he winks, letting his shirt fall back down

“well if you want to see the whole thing - why don’t i wait for outback later?”

you agree - only to think about it ten minutes later and be like 

OH

taeil

employee at the local vintage records shop

the owner pretty much entrusts all of the store to taeil, whose music taste is highly respected in the community and is also very very,,,,,,,very specific

but unlike most people who love to come in here and argue about what genre or band or artist is the best

he just likes to,,,,,,,,vibe

which is why people feel either comfortable around him - because he’ll listen to them rant with a smile as he checks them out

or kinda weirded out because like - does he ever raise his voice above a softhearted whisper?!?!

pretty cute with his blonde mullet and pretty silver earrings - a loved flannel over his shoulders

because of taeil’s work and the general popularity of vintage records as an aesthetic, the shop gets a little more busy

and so the owner hires you - who unlike taeil who favors ska-punk and beach vibes

you are a strictly heavy metal person

the grimier - the better

and when you start working your job, you cannot handle taeil’s playlist 

and you can’t handle his laidback attitude to match

so you always have something to say - half because you mean it but also half because you want some reaction from taeil

but taeil never does, if you spend half an hour shittalking the album he picks he just kind of shrugs it off

if you put on some swedish death tunes - he just lets you play the music without a comment

you guys look kind of funny next to each other because he’s just punky dad chic and your wardrobe is bleak and black

people can tell where your favorite sections are and they are on opposite sides of the store

one afternoon, you’re begging the store owner to buy copies of this obscure band most people dont care about but who you LOVE for the store

he keeps saying no because he’s pretty sure no one will buy it

when taeil strolls in for his shift

the boss turns and asks taeil for his opinion and you give up completely because 

there’s no way he’s gonna ask the boss to order a heavy metal record-

“yes, let’s order it. i trust their taste.”

taeil smiles your way before turning the corner

the boss sighs and pats your shoulder, promising he’ll put it on the list for the next order

you just stand there, before breaking from your shock to find taeil

you do - he’s unpackaging new goods - and gives you a soft, happy smile when you call out his name

“why’d you stand up for me back there? you hate my music.”

“i never said i hated it.”

you scrunch up your nose

“so you’re a heavy metal fan now?”

“no, but you are and if you like it then it’s good right?”

you don’t understand, confused you say again - “but you hate it-”

he puts down the record in his hand and turns toward you 

he tilts his head and goes,

“but i don't hate you, in fact i like you quite a lot so im willing to put up- i mean listen to the music you like because i know it makes you happy.”

the words swirl around in your head and you feel something warm flood into your veins

“you ,,,, like me a lot?”

“yes, i thought it was obvious how shy i was around you.”

you try not to laugh in disbelief, because you’re pretty sure he’s never even changed his facial expression since you started here

but whatever - you kinda like that (a lot) about him too

yuta

your local back alley tattooer and piercer 

not actual back alley, more like in his apartment, but still - does he have a license for this? who knows 

he loves doing colorful, crazy pieces - usually with a magical element or a pinup style

and if you give him a big project, he goes absolutely nuts on it

he himself has tattoos up the back of his neck and all the way down to his ankles

he has almost thirteen piercings' in one ear, with his infamous tongue piercing, bellybutton, and two studs above his hipbones 

pain doesn’t exist for him - and neither do boundaries when it comes to art or fashion

he’s almost always photographed or stopped when he goes outside

long hair up in a bun, he pulls out one of the sticks holding it and is like “it’s also a pocket knife if i click here-”

thick collar, long skirts or ripped up sweaters

he’s a very fun person to both work with or just be around LOL

you don’t really think that though - actually you’re super nervous when you see him

your friend though, the one who insisted on coming to yuta for their nose piercing, is hyped

she’s buzzing around him - getting excited and also flirting 

but for someone reason ,,, he keeps looking over her shoulder at you

“well, let me get the needle ready-”

he starts and you ask if it’s been sterilized

he laughs in response and your friend shushes you

but something feels all weird about this

you lean in to her as yuta gets his instruments ready

“do you really want this? why don’t you just get another ear-”

“don’t worry! it’ll be fine!”

you hear a voice chime in behind you both, “exactly - it’ll be peachy.”

you bite your lip as you watch yuta approach but just as you want to make sure again

your friend sees the needle and

passes out

you catch her - eyes wide and scared

“wh-oh my god! we need a doctor!”

Yuta sighs, rolling his eyes and putting the needle back down

he takes your friend from your arms and lays her down on the couch nearby

“no we don't. ill get some ice.”

“she’s passed out! what do you mean we don’t - we need to call-”

“it happens all the time.”

he disappears and then shuffles back in with an icyhot, he drops it in your hand and you stare at him

he pulls up a chair and sits down in it, “she’ll be back up in a couple minutes. we just have to wait.”

you’re skeptical - now more than ever - but you place the ice on her forehead and sit back up

“sooo, are you also looking to get a piercing?”

he suddenly inquires, leaning his elbows on his knees and giving you a look that makes you feel like you’re being seared under a lamp

“w-what, no. she just asked me to come along for support.”

“you’d look good with a nose piercing, or maybe a lip piercing, or the shy types always get something crazy like-”

his eyes drop down a little lower and you huff, fighting off a weird buzz in your chest

“no! i don't want any, and i don't want to be convinced either thank you.”

he shrugs and sits back 

“you sure? not even i offer to do it for free?”

you roll your eyes, “does free mean free or is there a clause missing?”

“free means you pay nothing, but maybe you’ll consider getting coffee with me.”

this catches you off guard - you nearly lose grip on the icyhot on your friends forehead when you turn to him

“s-sorry, are you flirting with me while my friends passed out on your couch?!!??”

yuta grins

“yeah, i am. isn’t that normal?”

doyoung

politically outspoken activist, nazi stomper, no bullshit from anyone graduate student 

doesn’t look punk on the outside but put on his headphones and it’s straight up songs about anarchy only

won’t tell anyone where the secret little tattoo he got is, but people place bets on where and what they think it is

jaehyun thinks it has to be like a quote from chomsky but taeil thinks it might be something sappy and sentimental like a flower for his mom

it’s actually just a cool looking sword on the side of his ribs that he got half because he wanted to prove he could take the pain LOL

he really doesn’t fuck around when it comes to his beliefs though - like he doesnt think it’s radical to want human rights for everyone and if anyone wants to get in his face about it 

then he will get back in their face about it

and listen he’s gotten into some fights, and even though he’s mostly lank and brains - he’ll take a punch with pride and throw his own if anyone says some dumb shit in his vicinity

“you look more like a prep then a punk” someone once comments and doyoung doesn’t even bat an eyelash to retort “i don't need a mohwak to fight for respect. and ill have you know - i do own a leather jacket so shove it.”

you’re a student in one of doyoung’s classes who thinks he’s really cool, but also intimidating

his dark eyes and lack of humor kind of make him unapproachable, but also pretty attractive

you’re kind of sad that you can’t talk to him about upcoming ralies and class work because you don’t know what you two could have in common

when one day you and doyoung arrive to class early and suddenly the quiet classroom is full of loud, hard, punk rock

you turn around and doyoung’s big eyes are somehow even bigger

“m-my bluetooth disconnected. sorry.”

he scrambles to turn down the volume, but you jump up

“you like rage against the machine? i love them!”

doyoung perks up

“really, usually people tell me they’re outdated and don’t fit well,,,,you know - how i look.”

you shake your head, “who cares what you look like - their music started a movement!”

you move your seat up closer to doyoung and ask if you can see his playlist

he shows it to you proudly and before you know it you two are in a deep discussion about bands and music and shows

the professor and students trickle in and before you know it it’s time for class to start

before it does, you happily exclaim to doyoung

“i didn’t think we’d ever have something in common - im so happy i can talk to you now!”

“you couldn’t talk to me before?”

doyoung takes note of the blush that dusts your cheek and the way your fingers twitch in your lap

“ah - i just, you know it’s hard to talk to someone you like.”

doyoung is about to ask that you say that again, just so he can confirm it and get that giddy feeling again

but the professor starts the lecture 

too bad the whole time doyoung can’t help but steal looks at you - counting down the minutes till the class is over and he can ask you to come with him for lunch

you guys can listen to music and,,,,,,,maybe talk about how to change the political world,,,,,together <3

jungwoo

definitely flunking a lot of his classes, but so pretty when you look passed the crazy orange hair that no one blames him for it 

he’s always falling asleep behind textbooks 

and doodling butterflies or whatnot in the corners of his notes

he loves baggy clothes, decorated with pins and paint, every now and then he’s even got little bandages on his cheeks and fingers 

he looks like he came out of a cartoon - delicate features and colorful clothes

he opens his locker and love notes fall out no matter what day it is 

and his headphones keep getting confiscated by teachers

he should technically be your biggest enemy

considering he breaks uniform violations, doesn’t do his homework, and frequently hangs out in the halls when he should be there

and you’re a prefect that’s got straight A’s 

but you,,,,,,,just cannot be mad at jungwoo

anyone else, you’re the first to hand out detention slips or lug them into the deans office

but with jungwoo - there’s what you’d just call favoritism

people think it’s kind of hilarious though because you’re trying so hard to hide your crush on jungwoo but it’s so obvious

and jungwoo is so clueless about your crush and the fact that you give him so many slides that when people complain about how he didn’t get in trouble but they did for doing the SAME thing

he’s like huh what? 

you keep getting told to stop being so lenient with him, he’s not going to learn if he’s not told he’s doing something wrong

but when you’re faced with him again

that big puppy smile and the cute little flower studs in his ears

you just cant

you just shoo him out of the sight of any other prefects or teachers so he wont be caught

one afternoon as you’re checking the halls during study period - you spot jungwoo hanging out on the ledge of the window to the top floor

beside him is a half eaten sandwich and a forgotten book

he looks so picturesque you feel guilty interrupting him 

but you know you’re not the only one on duty so you touch his shoulder gently

“jungwoo, kun might find you if you’re just sitting here.”

“you found me.”

he says with a gentle smile

“yes, but you know i don’t want you to get in trouble - so do you think you can go up to the roof?”

he nods, gathering his things and as you turn to leave, he takes a hold of your wrist and tugs you behind him

“wh-”

but it’s too late, you’re already up the stairs and being pulled through the roof’s door

jungwoo twirls you around and you want to tell him you have to get back to your job

when he pulls you against his chest

“j-j-jungwoo?!?”

your face heats up as you squeak in shock

he stares down into your eyes - the usual gloss of dreaminess seems a little more serious

“do you like me?”

your heart feels like it has stopped in your chest - no matter who’d asked you about your crush before, it was never jungwoo himself so it was always easy to lie

“wh-why are you asking me?”

he blinks, long dark lashes in contrast to his bright hair

“i want to know if you like me.”

“but why- y-you’ve never asked me before.”

“because.”

he shrugs, saying it as if it’s the easiest thing to admit in the world

“because i like you so if you like me too - i can ask you on a date.”

mark

skater boy who wants to go pro

spends hours in the park and in lots trying new tricks and just skating because if there’s one thing he loves

it’s the rush, the feel of the board and the air that passes by him as he cruises down the block

he’s pretty oblivious to the fact that he’s the most liked skater, maybe even person, in his neighborhood

because he will jump off his board to help old ladies cross the street and willing to bust it and eat dirt if a kid accidentally stumbles in front of him

he’s always kinda banged up, with something broken or sprained or slightly bloodied from messed up tricks or accidents

but he works it, along with the chino pants and old band tshirts and beanies 

he secretly got his nose pierced last summer, but he’s gotta keep hiding it from mom and dad lol

he takes part in a lot of local competitions because he really wants to get his foot in the pro game

and (not surprising to anyone but him) he has a lot of local fans

some are just fellow skaters who love his happy attitude, others are lovestruck teenagers who think the sweet skater is prime boyfriend material (they’re right)

you aren’t a huge skating fan, you actually don’t know much about it, but you sometimes get dragged along with friends to the events

they’re free and it’s fun to pass the time

you’re at one, sipping a slushie and listening to your friends argue about the upcoming show

when you notice a boy in a beanie off the right of the course

he’s practicing flips, his skateboard a strong neon green with what you assume are his initials - ML

“who is that?” you ask offhandedly and your friends all answer in unison - “oh! that’s the favorite - mark lee.”

you are about to look away, but then you end up catching mark’s gaze

when your eyes lock - he smiles and it shows off the sweetness that you can see people would go crazy over

you nearly miss your slushie straw as you try to smile awkwardly back

for the first time, you’re extremely excited to see one of the runs - mark takes his position at the top of the ramp and you edge forward in your seat

your friends comment about it - but you’re not the only one getting hyped - it seems like the whole place is waiting to see him succeed

you hold your breath a little as he lands the first trick, then the next, then the next

its going so well and you think you might even just get up and cheer when right on the last second - he hits a rail and the board flies off - it leaves mark tumbling down

he catches himself with his hands but you can see the pain and shock spread over his face

the crowd gasps - but no one moves

actually, you’re waiting for EMTs or someone to show up - but it’s just mark limping up and chasing after his runaway board

“where are the doctors - or someone to help?”

you turn and your friends just shrug, “it’s not a super big event so they usually don’t have anyone.”

you don’t know what comes over you, you’ve seen people slam before at these things but this just feels different

you get up from your seat and push down through to the back the course

you find mark sitting out near the curb of the parking lot, nursing what you can guess is a pair of pretty hurt palms

and you rush over

“are you ok?”

he looks up at you and you notice he’s abandoned his beanie - black hair a wild mess

“ah yeah, no worries. ill be good for my second-”

all you have are the napkins from your slushie, which you use quickly to dab at the small cuts on mark’s hands 

he’s so caught off guard by your sudden makeshift first aid, that mark just stares wide eyed as you try to help

“let me go find some ice or something, it looks like it really hur-”

“its ok! i fall all the time!”

you frown, “but your hands-”

he goes pink at the ears, because your voice is full of real concern, and plus he didn’t just smile so big at you before for no reason

you are as adorable from a distance as you are up close, probably even more actually

“im ok, thanks for worrying but i do need to get back to the course.”

you drop your hands from his and sigh, “ok. but after do you promise you’ll at least get some bandages?”

“promise.”

you nod and get up, watching mark stand with you and wince as he flips his board up into his hands

you still feel worried, but mark suddenly goes

“actually, would you mind coming with me after - i mean you don’t have to if you’re with your frie-”

“they won’t mind. of course ill come, at least that way ii know you didn’t go back on your promise!”

mark thinks your little laugh is the cutest thing hes heard in a while, it rings through his ears for the rest of the competition 

and when he humbly places third, he finds you in the crowd - and shakes his board up at you

the whole row you’re in turns your way

your friends all raise their eyebrows

but you’re just thinking about getting him those bandages (and maybe getting his number?) 

haechan

skater boy who is a pro

youngest in the scene right now with more than three world championship titles under his board 

sponsored by monster energy, vans, hell even companies like samsung are looking to put their money in him

his videos have millions of views on youtube and everyone whose trying to get into skating sees him as an icon to worship

the only person to land some of the hardest tricks known in the sport on his first runs 

always bright, with one little braid hanging from his hair - the mullet look was so well accepted by fans that he decided to keep it

(even had longtime friend and fellow skater jeno come over and dye it blonde for him)

and in general, he can take a fall like anyone - but when he does land his tricks he’s always bursting with energy and dance moves out on the course

you know him, how could you not, working as one of the go-pro camera crew for skating events

but when you’re assigned to be his follow along for the upcoming qualifiers being held in your city you almost lose it 

because not only are going to get to film THE haechan, but you’re going to be so close to him for the entirety of the competiton too

the fan in you comes to life, but you try to keep your cool when the day comes - introducing yourself with a handshake and a big smile

you’re nervous but what you don’t expect (and don’t actually even notice) is haechan is too

because - oh god, this is the first camera person he’s ever gotten that is on THIS level of cute

you’re so caught up in trying to get the perfect footage of him, that you don’t see how he keeps peeking at you out of the corner of his eye

when he trips over one of his boards and nearly crashes into another skater you assume it’s pre-competition jitters

but it’s actually just because you’re getting quite close to him - and haechan hasn’t ever had butterflies LIKE this

five minutes before the competition goes live, he requests that his manager switch you and one of the other skaters camera crew

it’s so soul crushing - you’re kind of left in a blank shock - until your new skater is shaking your shoulders

you think you must have done SOMETHING,,,,,no one has ever complained about you before??? you didn’t think you were even being the slightest bit annoying - even though you were trying REALLY hard not to ask for at least an autograph??

you spend the entire competition overthinking it until finally - after haechan wins and is done with all his interviews and handshakes

you manage to track him down and immediately bow at a 90 degree angle

“im so sorry if i did something wrong, i really didn’t think you’d ask to switch - please tell me what i did to upset you so i don’t do it again!”

your head is still down and haechan suddenly feels like the trophy in his hand weighs a ton

he clenches his teeth and mutters

“you didn’t do anything,,,,,,your crime is just being really-”

you slam up and your eyes are big and shaking, haechan feels like the worst person on earth as he swallows

“your cime is just being really,,,,really,,,,,really,,,,,,cute.”

“p-pardon?”

your voice cracks, because you’re pretty sure you misheard him

he scratches his head, almost bonking himself on the temple with the trophy

charismatic always silly and shining haechan suddenly looks coy 

“c-cute, you’re just really cute and i couldn’t focus on my tricks so - please don’t take it to heart.”

your stomach does a flip, both out of relief and out of disbelief 

“o-oh,,,,i-- well - im sorry for being-”

“don’t apologize for being cute!”

you jump and nod, haechan signs and mumbles again

“i made you feel bad didn’t i? well,,,let me make it up to you and take you to lunch,,,”

you nearly drop your go-pro because 

holy shit haechan is asking me out on a date,,,,,,in a roundabout way but,,,,,it’s definitely an invite for a date

“sure-id love to!”

haechan tries to hide his grin

but when his manager catches him twirling the trophy around and whistling with a dreamy look in his eyes later that day

well 

it’s just obvious 

someones in love 

#this was so fun to write i love punk concepts thidfjsl #nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct au #nct 127 #nct #give me punk like actual punk outfits or ill riot sm

[wearequeer-andwearehere]

is it normal finding certain genders sexually, aesthetically, and emotionally attractive but not romantically attractive?? like i prefer how women, women aligned ppl, and ppl who present themselves in a feminine way look. i also feel like i can connect better to women bc im afab and still deal with all the shit that comes with being a woman in our society which is part of the reason im just more emotionally attracted to them. but when it comes to romance its different.

im aegoromantic in the way that i love the intimacy and warmth that comes with romance but i dont really feel romantic attraction that much irl and feel disconnected from the idea of myself being in a romantic relationship. however, i do daydream with romantic themes sometimes and by default its with a man. i can only really see myself with a man (romantically) and i know its not exactly comphet. although im leaning a bit more towards men in the romantic attraction department im also not really sexually attracted to them that much? i find the idea of sex hot but i cant see myself being involved in it? i think i might also be aegosexual (is that the right ace spec equivalent?) but idk, im a bit scared to explore that part of my identity. i've only just come to terms with the fact that im not cis so i dont think i can deal w finding a new facet to my identity quite yet haha.

im sorry for the really long ask i was just bottling these feelings for a long time and didn't want to make my feelings ur problem. im glad to receive any kind of help from you, ryan. thanks so much for guiding us.

Heya mate :D

And yeah, that’s pretty normal! The split attraction model does exist so you can have different types of attraction so ye

Hmm yeah, sounds like you‘re most likely sapphic or maybe lesbian or trixic in terms of aesthetic and emotional attraction!

Tbh if I were you I’d try to think a bit more about whether you‘re romantically attracted to men or whether it’s comphet. I’m not saying that your feelings aren’t valid, it’s entirely possible you could be romantically attracted to men and aesthetically attracted to women, but just....give it some thought, I’d say

You could be sapphic/lesbian in aesthetic/emotional attraction and heteroromantic in terms of romantic attraction! You could also just use bi/pan as an umbrella term :D 

Yes, aegosexual is the right word!

Aegosexual (click for link to wiki page) is a micro-label on the asexual spectrum that describes those who have a disconnection between themself and the subject of arousal. Aegosexuals may have sexual fantasies, view porn and other sexual content, or masturbate, but they generally feel little to no sexual attraction and typically do not desire to have sex with another individual. 

Hey hey hey!! It’s totally okay my friend!! You’re allowed to explore these parts of your identity!

It’s totally okay to not be cishet!! I know questioning can be scary, it can be scary finding out you’re not the sexuality/gender you thought you were, it can be scary knowing you’re in a homophobic and transphobic world, but you’re gonna be okay. When I was first questioning being bi and trans, I was hella scared, but it’s going to be okay. You’ll figure it out, or maybe you won’t! Either is valid! And even if it can be scary out there, the queer community will always love and support you. We’ve got you, friend <3

Hope I could help you out, and I wish you luck with questioning. Lmk if you have any more questions, and have a great day/night :D

#ask #anon #helping out a questioning person

[mallowstep]

how do you find the energy and motivation to write like... everyday?? i literally cannot write unless i am possessed by a thought in my brain and forced to spew out everything onto paper. and then i cant look at it again ot edit it. like, i really love writing and if im forced to do it for school i will, but i cant write for myslef.

practice.

first, i want to say that i am going to describe how i write, but it is not necessarily going to work for most people, because it has to do with my own psychology and mental health.

second, i want to say that i view writing as writing for pleasure or writing for work. poetry, for example, i write for pleasure, and i would not apply what i am going to discuss to poetry. that happens when i have something to say. it is OK to not want to write for work. that's acceptable and encouraged.

third, i want to dispel a myth. writing consistently is not about motivation. it is about discipline. and you should take heart in that, because motivation is hard to control. you can't force yourself to want to do something, no matter how hard you try. but if you build up discipline, you can learn to do it anyway.

i'm not going to go into that now, because i'm coming at this from the specific perspective of someone with adhd who uses pressure to force myself to function, which is...a hard balance to strike, and not something i can strictly recommend. it does work for some people. i think of it as an arch.

but i digress, i said i wasn't discussing the specifics of how i function in day-to-day life, lest i encourage others to do as i do.

okay. so. where am i going with all of this?

part one: a long, fairly incoherent ramble about me and mental health and writing

well. i don't think the idea of writing for yourself is very helpful to a lot of people. i do write for myself. but that doesn't get my ass in the chair and my fingers on the keyboard. the thing that does that is not social obligation to others, either, it is the firm knowledge that putting words on paper is going to keep me from falling apart.

i don't do that for myself. i don't do that for anyone but the human need to hold yourself together. i am very happy i feel that need at the moment, and every time i have stopped writing* in the past ten years, i have lost that need.

* writing here should really be replaced with a broader term. creating things. making things. working with my hands and something real. but writing is the best thing i know to fill this in myself.

writing does not feel optional. i started writing seriously when i was not-quite-a-teenager and had untreated depression. it was desperate, then. the need to know i was capable of feeling emotions. since then, writing has been different things at different times. it has been a social need. it has been a creative need. it has been a demanding drive. it has been something i drag myself to do because i know it is good for me.

i don't have to write. i could paint, or draw, or knit, or code, or any number of things. i have used all of those things, and more, in the past, but writing is something i also enjoy.

sometimes writing is dragging myself to the keyboard. it is not always a flurry of words as an idea seizes me. it is, "i am publishing the next chapter of ashes because it is monday and that is what i do on mondays." but.

it is monday, and that is what i do on mondays.

i hate not posting every day. i hate it. i am Untethered. i spent ca. three weeks over the summer completely disconnected from time, but. i post ashes today, it is monday, i move on, i go through the days and they are not the same.

i hate not posting every day. i know that i would be doing better if i could just break through and start again, but figuring out how is hard. some things i know (ibtwicm is stressful because another person is involved, and that means that i cannot work with betas, even though the one i have is absolutely wonderful and i adore her), but other things are just that nebulous idea of not enough time to start.

i don't always have the energy to write. some days are bad. some days my head hurts. i don't have the expectation that i will never miss a day of posting. i've taken plenty of time off. but i like the rhythm.

anyway. let me try to turn that incoherent ramble about me into something...actionable?

part two: what i tangibly do

i have a schedule. that is not requisite, but it saves me from making decisions. i have a schedule and i have fics and one-shots and they all slot into that schedule by arc. i could have done it by anything, but arc was convenient.

anyway.

i figure out what i'm posting when i wake up in the morning, and i try to skim over what i've already got before starting my day. i flick back and forth between writing and whatever i am doing throughout the day.

(which is why, as i transition back into my normal pace, the thing i have been doing to fill the gap will diminish. less au chatter snippets etc, because that is what i have been doing instead of writing.)

by the evening, i'm usually close to done with the draft. i spend a solid chunk of time patching it up, then i do a round of edits, finish my other work, do line edits, and post.

if i have time after that, i start looking at tomorrow's post.

that's it. sometimes i don't want to work on something. too bad. it's on the schedule. or even, "too bad, we're posting something today." unless i am having a bad (read: low spoon) day, i do not waver in that expectation for myself.

in fact, i think the only way ibtwicm will get done is if the final chapter two chapters go up un-beta'd, because the deviation from routine makes me impossibly frustrated with them. we shall see.

anyway. i have spent years building the discipline to be able to do that. if you rely on motivation, do not think you can just flip over and magically learn how to turn an empty page into words because you told yourself that is what you are doing right now. so.

part three: how to build discipline

i said i won't be covering this, and i'm not Really. i'm going to tell you how to get started, and i am going to be the Bad Guy. i am not capable of doing this kindly. there are other, better, resources i encourage you to seek out.

so. you can't start by just. throwing yourself into it. it won't work, it'll be frustrating, etc.

you want to figure out what a reasonable word count/day is for you. i shoot for 3k words/day, but i figure as long as i'm above 1k, i'm happy.

[aside: if you are going to be writing a lot in a day, please take care of your body. have good posture. know how to hold yourself. etc. i credit years of playing piano as giving me strong wrists and nice, curved fingers, and exercises to build and strengthen the same muscles as you use for typing, but just keep this in mind.]

anyway, there's no right number. 100 words is enough. it should be -- what works for me is a number that's just slightly higher than what i can do comfortably, because it means i have to be focused, which keeps me on track. i think this is important. it is not the only way.

and then you just meet that goal. if you're new to this, writing 100 words every day might be hard. you don't have to limit yourself to 100, just hit 100 every. single. day.

eventually that will feel easy.

"i don't feel like writing," you will think, "but i've figured out how to get around that."

then you either feel happy with what you're doing or push your word count up.

me? i don't measure how many words i write, because i've already done all of that. for all i bemoan research and being stuck, i'm generally exceptionally effective. i don't think that's bragging; i think the number of asks i have answered with scenes i whipped out of nowhere demonstrate that.

i have spent years getting to the point where i can open up a blank page, on a day when i feel like crap (emotionally), when i have no ideas and no motivation and every word i put on paper feels robotic and stiff and terrible, and still finish what i started. it's hard work. it might not be worth the effort. but. that's what i do.

#ask #anon #mine #personal #reblogs okay #writing #you know i don't think what i do is the only way or even the best way #what i do is the #what i need to do to be a functional human being #way #and that might not work for you but #i think at the least my thoughts on discipline and routine should be more universally applicable

[rickriordanfandam]

opinions on riordanverse ; my edition

a lot of people have been doing this so i decided why not right. probably gna lose some followers or smth but anyways. pls respect my opinions! if u disagree, thats fine, but please be polite. unless any of my opinions strikes u as morally wrong then pls point it out to me respectfully. thanks!

- i actually liked drew. im so sorry to everyone who hates her but full offence, why. think about it this way ok, first of all drew became hc because silena died. silena was the traitor, the one who betrayed chb, yet after she died campers celebrated her as a hero? and then drew suddenly has to replace her and live up to idk that legacy she left behind,, when all of a sudden this girl named piper swoops in and takes her place. idk abt u but i wld be salty abt that too. not only that, but as an asian, the chances of drew having faced racism/bullying as a child is pretty high (she studies at brooklyn academy). which means that when she finds out shes a demigod, and arrives at chb where most of the campers are white (this is an assumption btw), she’d obviously be scared of being bullied for her skin color right?? so the first thing she wld do before the campers get to bully her is to bully them before they can do so. (sentence structure here is wack i apologize) ofc this might not even have happened, drew could have had a perfect childhood && was a b1tch for no reason, BUT EVEN THEN HER ROLE AS A BULLY WAS PRETTY VITAL BECAUSE THAT FURTHER SHOWED THE CONTRAST BETWEEN HER AND PIPER,, HIGHLIGHTING PIPER AS A HERO//GOOD CHARACTER,, AND THEREFORE MAKING READERS LIKE PIPER MORE. anyway stop hating on drew please. ALSO WHY IS THIS SO LONGA SDFJHG

- jason isnt bland, the fandom just kinda erased his backstory (thanks to @pjohoo-memes for the phrasing lol)

- reynabeth wouldnt have lasted/would have broken up several times. idk i just see them as two extremely powerful characters who have firm opinions and will definitely clash at some point. in a platonic relationship,, i can see them as really good friends but as lovers? idk i just think theyll break up

- PIPABETH

- i dont really like jercy,, i see them as better friends than lovers. also idt jason and percy were that close..?

- the dam and not my type jokes are srsly cringey and were never funny. ik that seems hypocritical since my username literally makes use of the dam joke but honestly i dont actually like the joke. its not funny to me and has never been funny

- the seven were not best friends. they definitely argued,, and honestly probably werent as close as the fandom makes them seem. like ure dumped with 6 other people, out of which u only know a few. my introverted ass would have jumped off the argo 2 quicker than leo valdez could bomb camp jupiter up. also leo was a dick to frank. so what if frank is bigger sized?? thats not a valid reason to tease him

- the fandom needs to stop hating on octavian while worshipping luke. if u hate luke and u say u hate octavian too, then okay. but if u tell me ure a luke stan but u despise octavian?? imma disagree w u. luke was worse than octavian im sorry. first of all, octavian being a dick was kinda justified. hes been after the praetor position for so long, and everyone keeps saying to “wait for jason” when suddenly this dude, whos a son of NEPTUNE (neptune wasnt liked much by romans), and the camp decides to make him praetor?? dude i would be pissed off big time. and then afterwards, he finds out that greek demigods are real and the dude they made praetor is greek. AND THEN GREEK DEMIGODS COME TO CJ AND ONE OF THEM BOMB IT UP?? octavian has been told all his life that greeks are scum and this dude called leo valdez attacks cj. sure it was an accident, but did octavian know that? no. so it was honestly justified that he was such a salty prick im just saying. also some of yall be hating on octavian for cutting a teddy bear open and thats the funniest shit ive ever heard i swear 

- luke didnt go to elysium

- travis and connor stoll r way too underrated. the two have been head counselors of the hermes cabin since luke was revealed as a traitor, can u imagine the stress? luke, the person they probably looked up to as a brother, betrayed them. and they didnt even have time to process this when they were  thrown the roles of being hcs. that would have been so stressful and i would probably have broken down if i were them. the stoll brothers taking turns to wake up at ungodly hours because a new camper is crying and homesick and terrified, the stoll brothers having to comfort and take care of new campers, having to deal with the amount of people in that cramped space because not enough campers are being claimed fast enough. having to resolve issues between campers in the hermes cabin all the time. the stolls arent just comedic relief, and we need to stop treating them as such

- tratie shldve been canon idc idc

- demigods of the demeter cabin arent talked about enough and i love the fact that meg was demeters kid. like she isnt the child of one of the big three yet shes so powerful.

- we need to hype clarisse up more her character arc was phucking amazing 

- rachel is overhated. sis found out greek gods exist and regularly come down to earth to fuck around and went “ok cool”. queen shit behavior methinks

- the floor 19 crew of mcga is srsly underrated. like do u even remember halfborn gunderson, mallory keen, tj, etc??? bc i feel like we only remember samirah, magnus, alex, and sometimes blitz and hearthstone

- sadie (tkc) was kinda annoying at first. i like her more now tho but i rmb not liking her for a phat while

- tkc and mcga need more love

- carter kane and jason grace arent boring. theyre just really sweet boys who are too good for this world and yes yes yes 

- hazel and frank (especially frank) need to be hyped up more. i hardly ever see anything about them. also yall seem to forget that frank was literally made praetor and that even hecate admired hazel and was willing to fight beside her because of how powerful she was

- frazels age gap is kinda sketch but i still think theyre really cute

- nico definitely had trauma from going to tartarus on his own

- GROVER IS PERCYS BEST FRIEND

- annabeth isnt smarter than leo but neither is leo smarter than annabeth. ive seen a lot of discussions about who is smarter and heres my hot take on it: neither. theyre equally smart, just in different ways. leos a genius mathematically speaking. he has no issues solving math problems meant for people much, much older than him. annabeth on the otherhand, is great at strategies etc. she can make an army of 1000 more powerful than the enemy, even if theyre outnumbered. so in my opinion, both are equally as smart//u cant compare their intelligence, because their talents lie in two different areas.

- while i do agree rick riordan isnt a god and that hes bound to make mistakes,, AND that hes given us a lot of representation,, if the representation offends the people its sposed to represent, then theres a problem. im talking about piper as a poc and wearing feathers in her hair. im not a poc, so i cant speak for them on whether or not its wrong, because i dont know either. HOWEVER, i have seen multiple posts BY pocs talking about how they didnt really like rick’s representation of piper, and thats an issue. pocs have been and are still oppressed and discriminated against by many. as a white cis man, we cant really blame him for not knowing (tho he could have done a research,, asked some pocs,, idk), but by representing pocs in that manner, hes influencing impressionable kids/teens into thinking “oh pocs wear feathers in their hair all the time” etc, which isnt true. the pjo/hoo series is extremely successful, and kids who read the books will probably start forming inaccurate opinions on pocs. the amount of fan art that depicts piper with feathers in her hair dont help either. “but rick said so in the books, so its canon” yeah well rick isnt a god and he can get some things wrong at times. im not saying we should cancel him, im saying we should start educating ourselves and not spread false info like pocs wearing feathers in their hair all the time. also that snake song shit where she sang Summertime was just- yeah. bc heres the thing you can be racist, and still include minorities, but portray them in a racist way. And even then, ignorance isn't a thing to admire. Getting those facts wrong still has a major impact. It continues to perpetuate racist stereotypes.

“ With the feather thing, I looked it up myself; it takes less than five minutes to figure out that Cherokees don't braid feathers into their hair. I didn't grow up in the country where my parents are from. I have many other first/second generation American friends who have also been through that, with a bit of a disconnect from their culture. But something that most of us have in common is that when we didn't know something, and when our parents weren't that big of a help, we looked it up. We sought out resources online and through other people from our culture to be able to connect more with where we came from. Some of that took a Google search. So I find it hard to believe that Piper, a girl who Rick's trying to portray as someone who is attempting to connect with her culture and is totally against racist stereotypes, wouldn't know that eagle feathers aren't supposed to be braided into your hair casually. She may be disconnected from her culture, but she's also shown to want to connect back to it. Piper wouldn't be casually braiding feathers into her hair while also telling off people for being racist. It makes no sense.” - reddit thread (down below) 

for those of yall who wanna know more please please read this, it has a lot of things i wanna add in here : https://www.reddit.com/r/camphalfblood/comments/gy3gl2/piper_mcleans_portrayal_is_innacurate/ 

as well as https://finding-my-culture.tumblr.com/post/189422373260/maxie-ratties-and-cattie-finding-my-culture 

i will be posting screenshots of these in future posts so if ure viewing this on ig and u dont have tumblr,, dont worry 

- the fact that most of the strong female characters in the series refuse to be “girly”, and ngl i dont really like that. just because ure girly doesnt mean u cant be strong. 

- piper would have been a great way for him to start making the strong characters act girlier, but instead he went with the “I’m not like other girls” trope which is quite obnoxious to hear constantly, and I don’t think it’s necessarily great for younger girls to read that idea growing up.  the closest we've ever had to a strong female character who was also into "girly" things was Silena. when I was younger I admired Piper's "I'm not like other girls" thing, but then I got older and realized that the whole mentality of "not like other girls" is super obnoxious, and a little bit toxic

i have a heck load more that i cant rmb rn but yeah feel free to add more 

#riodanverse opinions #frank zhang #hazel levesque #leo valdez #piper mclean #jason grace #percy jackson #annabeth chase #grover underwood #tkc #the kane chronicles #mcga #magnus chase #magnus chase and the gods of asgard #pjo #pjato #hoo #Heroes of Olympus #the seven #octavian #luke castellan #meg mcaffrey #apollo #trials of apoll #travis stoll #connor stoll

[mimosaeyes]

“You were upset about Simon, though,” Jon muses. “And I don’t think it was because of the rollercoaster thing. Not really.” 

Post-174, with references to 173 and 151. Jon and Martin anchor each other in the Vast, and discuss agency and significance. 1k.

@emberidzae broke beta land speed records on this. Thanks fren.

The Vast is not just big — it’s bright, too. There had been an interlude of ordinary apocalyptic sky between the Dark and this, but somehow it’s like Martin’s eyes haven’t adjusted. The light hurts, and disorients him. It doesn’t have a clear source, like the sun; it’s simply ubiquitous, uniform in intensity no matter which way he looks, and unchanging over time.

It bleaches the colour of the ground, their clothes, his very skin. Three days? Another three hours, he thinks, and he might already be transparent. Incorporeal. He might blow away on the next gust of wind that radiates outward from each point where the Great Beast takes another ponderous step.

That impact has been the only sound for so long that he startles a little when Jon suddenly speaks. “Are you alright, Martin?”

Oddly, hearing his name brings him back to himself. He gives himself a mental shake and blinks against the light. His vision swims for a second, then focuses on Jon. 

“Fine,” he answers. “Why?”

Jon cants his head at him, while keeping his feet angled unerringly in the direction of the Panopticon. “I just thought... well. If the Vast is the fear of your own insignificance, it’s not all that different from the Lonely, is it.”

Martin furrows his brow. “How d’you mean?”

“Losing yourself in too much space, losing yourself because you feel disconnected from other people, because they seem so far away...” Jon lifts his shoulders in a halfhearted shrug, shifting his backpack’s weight around. “I lost you in that house. And you’ve been quiet for so long, I just — I wanted to remind you you’re not walking through this barren wasteland alone.” His lips lift in the shadow of a smile on these last words, wry and a little self-deprecating.

“Oh,” Martin says. His experience of the last who-knows-how-much-time realigns itself in his head, and he repeats, “Oh.”

Stumbling slightly in his rush, he reaches for Jon’s hand and clasps it tightly. Jon returns the pressure after a brief moment of hesitation. The sensation grounds him at once, reminding him exactly where and who he is in these homogeneous, apparently boundless surroundings. He sighs with something akin to relief.

“Martin?” Jon says tentatively.

“Better,” he responds, answering the unspoken question. “Thank you. I... I didn’t even realise.”

In response, Jon only makes a vague contented noise, and runs his thumb over Martin’s hand once, twice.

They walk on like that for some time before Martin finishes processing the rest of what Jon had said. “Wait,” he says slowly, “how long was I not talking?”

He half-expects Jon to give him one of his infuriating, cop-out answers, but instead, with barely a pause, he gets: “Thirty-one hours, seventeen minutes, and twenty-six seconds.”

Martin stops walking so he can properly rail on Jon, though the effect is rather spoiled by the fact that they’re still holding hands. “So much for Mr. Cryptic!” he says accusingly. “Mr. ‘What Counts As A Day? What An Excellent Question’. You know exactly how much time is passing.” 

He doesn’t really mean for it to sting, but he’s tired and apparently has been dissociating for more than a day, so his joking tone ends up far sharper than he intends. Wincing, Jon pulls his hand back from Martin’s, and rubs it absently. 

“No,” he explains, “I know how long I take to breathe in and out. Since the terrain is flat here, the rate was steady. I can’t do it all the time, it takes conscious effort. I only started counting because you seemed upset with me, and I didn’t know how long to give you — ha — space.”

“Why would I be upset with you?”

Jon scuffs his shoe against the ground. A muscle jumps in his jaw. “Because I didn’t kill Simon Fairchild, but I did kill all those other avatars. I didn’t smite them out of... righteousness, I did it for petty revenge.”

Gods or whichever-dread-power-it-may-concern help him, his boyfriend cannot process his own emotions. “Jon,” Martin says patiently, “I’m not upset with you.” He pauses, making his voice even gentler. “You’re upset with yourself.”

Jon looks up, his mouth falling open slightly. “Oh,” he says, echoing Martin earlier. 

It occurs to Martin how weird it is that they seem to know each other better than they know themselves. There might be a lot of tension between them due to various end-of-the-world reasons, but that still holds true.

“You were upset about Simon, though,” Jon muses. “And I don’t think it was because of the rollercoaster thing. Not really.”

Martin sighs. Now it’s his turn to stare at his feet and scuff his shoe. “Yes,” he admits. “I’ve been quiet because I’ve been thinking.”

A beat. “Are you willing to tell me what about?” Jon asks softly. Martin silently appreciates his effort to avoid asking a direct question and compelling an answer out of him.

“Peter Lukas asked Simon to explain the Extinction to me. He didn’t do anything, sure, but — but that’s just it. He was okay with Armageddon happening. He said it didn’t matter, cosmically, whether people ever lived, or whether they suffered before they died. He said it was about the big picture.” He takes a deep breath. “When we left those kids in the Dark...”

He trails off, biting his lip, but Jon comes in, fierce and certain. “No, Martin. It’s not the same thing.”

“Isn’t it?” Martin offers him a crooked smile. 

Jon is already shaking his head. “You don’t believe that. I listened to your tapes, every one of them. I remember what you said to Fairchild. You told him you thought our experience of the universe has value, even if it doesn’t last. Even if it’s only a, a blip in the universe.” 

He takes a step closer, cupping his hand over the back of Martin’s neck. “Don’t you still believe that?”

Martin’s breath catches in his throat. 

“I have to,” he whispers, in a vast, near-featureless plain. Under a sky that feels like it looks at him and sees absolutely nothing of significance there. “I have to believe that what we do matters.”

Jon presses their foreheads together. “Then it does.”

Their voices are almost lost in the great expanse. But only almost.

[also available on AO3 here]

[my TMA fic on AO3]

#the magnus archives #jonmartin #tma spoilers #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #mimofic

[mikeytmnt]

Thoughts on Raph's anger issues

2012 applied the "tough with a soft heart" trope for Raph but they couldve done more for Raph and show why he has anger issues. Does such a bad temper come out of a vacuum? Well Im not a psychologist so I dont know but if they provided a reason why hes angry, it would give him more depth. Most of his inner conflict is "i should stop being angry" instead of "why am i so angry?" so i pieced together a reason for why that might be and how his development followed that.

Based on what weve seen in canon, his anger issues might come from resentment that Splinter favors Leo more than him. Donnie and Mikey have other passions outside of ninjutsu but to Leo and Raph, ninjutsu is their world and it seems that Leo beat Raph in that area according to Splinter.

Resentment towards Leo and Splinter

Splinter may love his sons equally but he trusts Leo more. Theyre a very small family and prior to meeting April and the rest of their new friends, Splinter never imagined there would be others to take care of his sons. When he leaves, he expected them to be on their own. So hes preparing ahead for who is going to lead them next and that is Leo. Because Raph focused too much on his skills but didnt develop his character into one like a leader.

But Raph is very young and he might have misinterpreted Splinter's passing of responsibility to Leo as loving Leo more. And he feels frustrated and inadequate and those feelings turn into anger issues.

Isolation made his negative emotions fester

Raph is facing emotions he cant talk to anyone about. Leo and Splinter are the reasons for it and Mikey seems to be more immature than he is to understand complicated feelings like that. Theres a risk that Donnie might scold him if he opens up, personally i dont think he would, but its scary to open up to someone like that and youll come up with worst case scenarios if you think about it. And its very likely he doesnt want to acknowledge these feelings because its painful to admit he holds resentment for family who loves him dearly.

As for Mikey, Raph underestimates him a lot and hes not the type to unload his burdens on his younger brother. Its also implied that he feels protective over Mikey so as a protector, he wouldn't want to bother Mikey with his issues.

Being isolated for most of their lives and only having each other for company isnt the best environment to grow in. I think we all realized that during this quarantine. Its amazing the turtles turned out so well. And Raph developed issues because of it but thats normal considering his situation.

His love for pets

The writers might have put his soft spot for pets just to contradict his tough guy character but if we look at it in the context of his issues, it could be the product of isolation and his wish to connect with others outside of his family. He feels he cant open up to Leo and Splinter because of his resentment, theres a risk Donnie might be "too logical" and point out the flaws in his feelings instead of empathizing, and Mikey is out of the question for him. So he connects to pets instead because they won't judge him and he feels less lonely with them.

How Donnie and Mikey would've helped

Personally i think Donnie wouldve understood him and explained to him what Splinter's intentions are. Like Leo, Donnie has a burden no one else can carry, which is being the brain of the team. And the ones who gave him that burden are his brothers themselves, always counting on him to figure things out. Donnie knows they dont do this because hes their favorite brother but simply because of his capabilities. Just like Splinter gives burden to Leo because of his leadership skills.

Splinter, as their father, only has the right to appoint the role he has, and that is his position as the leader of the family. He cant dictate what the others choose to be anymore and if Leo refused him, he cant force him so its a good thing Leo is willing. But the rest of the brothers fell into place easily. Donnie the brain, Raph the muscle and Mikey the heart. Since Raph values Donnie and Mikey for what they bring to team, then he should also value himself despite not being the leader.

I also think Mikey wouldve helped him. Mikey is wise and has high emotional intelligence. He can concisely put into words what Raph needs to hear. There are some things you know but cant seem to believe in, for example, you know your friends love you but sometimes you dont feel it. But Mikey has no such disconnect, he believes in everything he knows, so assurance coming from him would be very effective. You know if he says something, he means it and hes not just trying to make you feel better.

Embracing the protector role

Since he realizes hes not cut out to be leader, he embraces the role more suitable to his skills which is the protector. He tells Splinter that he can risk his life easily but he cant do it to his brothers. Instead of fighting for Leos position, he finds his place in the team and i think that helps him come to terms with Splinter's favor towards Leo.

Summary

Raph develops resentment from Splinter's favoritism towards Leo and has no outlet for his emotions. he's unable to express that frustration in a healthy manner, turning into anger issues.

His love for pets also implies that he longs for connection and for someone to understand him without judging him.

If he had opened up to Mikey and Donnie who arent involved in the cause of his issues, his temper might not have gotten this bad because Mikey is empathetic and Donnie has a logical understanding of the situation.

He does come at peace with his emotions and he gets calmer as the seasons go by as he had given up on being the leader and favored student and accepted his role as protector.

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