#i am not gonna lie guys losing one of my friends at the beginning of the semester has had an Effect (tm)

[ttoddii]

sun, earth

pairing(s): bada lee x f! highschool student! reader

cw: angst to fluff, heavy emotions, love at first sight trope, very messy descriptions, bad grammar, lowercase intended.

wc: 1.9k

summary: you had closed up your heart for a while, until someone suddenly crash into your life.

a/n: i think you guys had saw from my updates that my writing is in decline rn, so i try my best to write, but i know it is not the best. i am doing my hardest to get back to writing normally, so i want to give a sincere apology to everyone.

special note: @missminho, i love you.

"hey we're gonna hang out after class today, wanna come?" one of your friend said, pulling you out of your trance of thoughts as you look up to her.

"sorry i have plans after school, maybe another day?" you politely smile, your head tilt as you ask them to move it to another day, to which they just nod their heads and walk out of your small classroom as your eyes follow their movements attentively.

it's a lie of course. you don't have plans, you rarely ever do have any plans aside from school. but you also don't feel like hanging out with anyone.

it's more like... a chore for you?

to talk to people, to hang out with them.

you're fine in your own little world, you're fine with a repeating cycle,

you're fine with being alone.

not that it's a bad thing to hang out with people, you just think that it's not for you, and being around people make you nervous, you're scared of what they'll think of you, scared of them judging you.

no one ever call you a scaredy cat, you put up a good show, a perfect up front of a good student, and a nice friend that would always be there for others.

it's normal right?

to not show how broken you are inside.

it's no surprise for them when you decline the invitation, you had always refuse to go on their dates, at first they wouldn't agree with you, but through time, they got used to it.

and you know that they invite you just to be polite, to not let you feel left out. in which you appreciate, but also feel the bitterness at the tip of your tongue at the thought.

you don't want pity.

shaking your head to get the thought out of your head, maybe they're just nice, that's all. you let out a long sigh before your hand reach out to the backpack and you begin your walk home.

your legs walk itself through the familiar roads, it's just muscle memory for you, everyday, on the same path, you walk home, at the same time. it is no different, life is boring.

but at least it's safe.

'things were not always like this, don't they?'

it's not always just you and yourself, you used to love hanging out with friends, it always brought joy to your mind, to ease up a hard day, or just to catch up with things. it's not always a chore.

'so what went wrong?'

maybe... because you no longer enjoy the little things anymore? you no longer find joy in the sunshine, or the pretty flowers, the joyful music, the people holding hands, the warm hugs.

'maybe because of that?'

you slow down your pace before completely stop. it seems like your body had also stumble upon your mind's question.

"is it because of that?", you mumble, questioning yourself as your mind wander off to many thoughts.

the world seem to stop moving alongside with you, as you can barely notice anything else, not the streetlight turning green multiple times, not the people walking pass you, not the dogs barking, not the light changing. your head spin on its own as you furrow your brows tightly, every thoughts pop up in your mind as you seem to get dizzy, your body losing its own energy as all the overwhelming thoughts build up in your mind.

"hey, are you alright?", a soft voice reach out to you, in the midst of chaos, the voice pull you back to the reality you should be in, and you turn around to see who talked to you, her tall form tower over you as you look up to see her face.

her brows furrow as one of her hand lay calmly on your shoulder, the warmth radiate from it, soothing you softly, ease up your thoughts. her two colors hair fall down beautifully as she look at you with a concerning look.

your gaze lay on her as she tilt her head, her brows tighten even more when she doesn't hear your answer.

'she's beautiful'

that's the first time in a long while that you actually admire something. ironically as you had just thought about how you stop finding things beautiful.

"hey?" she said again, her hand pat your shoulder a few times and squeeze it lightly to pull you back to reality.

but you don't want to be back, you want to sink into her beauty, you would have love to get lost in it, maybe never get out.

her sharp jawline, her soft features. the way she furrow her brows, how her hand is warming your heart even when it's placed on your shoulder.

she seems so perfect.

but recognizing that you might be impolite right now, you abruptly give her a bow and an apology before explaining that you were just deep in thought.

"it's dangerous to stand in the middle of the street, be careful alright?", she said softly, her brows relax as she gave you a soft smile. her tall form begin walk away before you catch her wrist. she turn back, her hair spread across the air as she look back at you, surprised at your action.

"i know this is sudden, and i may sounds like a lunatic, but are you free? can you hang out with me for today?" you said, surprised at your own words.

it's unlikely of you to be bold, even more so with a stranger. she doesn't know you, and you also know nothing about her, but she's so pretty, the prettiest you had ever seen in your life, she's like sunshine, radiating her warmth and light to the world so casually that it make a humble earth like you want more.

you want to stay close to her. as stupid as it may sounds.

you wish to orbit around her.

she seems nice, despite shining so brightly, she doesn't give off that impression of being hard to talk with.

she's... different.

she's like a magnet, pulling you close with her charm, and even when she's like the sun, she doesn't burn you but rather warm you up, knocking on your cold heart, disturbing your peace, soothe your chaotic mind, at the right moment, and in the nicest way possible.

she tilt her head amusingly at your question, her eyes bore into yours for a while before she look down to your hand holding hers, and realizing that you are holding it quite tightly, you quickly take your hand back, not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable.

"i don't think i have any plan for today, just going for a walk. i don't know you well enough tho, but judging by your uniform i guess you can't do harm to me. you're brave to trust a stranger tho" she chuckle, her calm voice is like music to your ears as her words sink into your head "i can hang out with you for this afternoon."

and you look back up to her with wide eyes.

must had been funny because she immediately crack a laugh after looking at your dumbfounded expression.

of course, you did not expect her to agree. just as she said, you guys are strangers. you took a leap of faith because you want to stay close to the sun, you want to feel the warmth at your heart, not wanting it to leave so soon, the lingering feeling of it made you ask the question. at least you could have a fifty-percent chance, and you won't regret it while you sulk into your pillow when you get home because you miss a chance of being with a person you like right at the very beginning.

but for her to agree to hang out with you, you thought that you're dreaming.

"so, what do you want to do?", she ask softly, smiling as she wait for your answer.

but you have no answer.

you just want to be close to her, you don't know what to do, you don't know what you want. hell you don't even know what you want for dinner. the thought of wanting to hang out abruptly appear in your mind, you didn't think it through.

and so, her question confuse you.

"i'm not sure" you mumble, feeling extremely guilty for pulling her into your mess. your brows furrow in frustration direct at yourself, and you look away from the other girl, trying to come up with something while your teeth bite down to your lower lip.

"that's fine, we can just walk around and talk then", she said softly, her hand reach out to yours as she hold it and pull you out of your messy thoughts.

once again, replacing your chaos with the peace you much needed, and you look up at her smiling face. she's not looking at you of course, focusing on walking forward, but just looking at you give your heart a fuzzy feeling,

an assurance.

that everything will alright, as long as you stay close with the sun.

after all, the earth orbit around the sun, and that's how it won't get lost in the cold void of the wide universe right?

you smile upon the thought, and you feel her hand holding yours. it's warm, the way she hold your hand tightly make you feel secure, sometimes she would squeeze it, like a small friendly hug, a spark that you had not felt for a long time.

you feel safe around her.

"i'm bada by the way" she said, chuckle lightly as you walk alongside her.

you noticed her body ratio, she has long legs, which won't be a surprise if she walk faster than you, and yet, you guys are walking at the same pace. you don't feel like you're being drag along, and you're not trying to keep up with her.

it's a nice feeling.

knowing that someone is walking alongside you, being next to you, without complaining that you're walking too slow.

they adjust to your own pace, and enjoy it.

you can't help but feel your heart thumping a bit faster at the thought, skipping a beat or two, and you feel all warm in your heart.

without noticing, a smile make its way up your face as you suddenly feel your world change.

suddenly, the sky seems so clear with the cloud moving slowly at its own pace, you can feel the wind breeze through your body, bringing all the flowery scent to you as you smell the flowers in full bloom.

you feel like you can see all the colors on earth, the blinding shining sun, the green leaves on trees, the colorful flowers, it's no longer black and white, it's no longer just a melancholic feeling of missing something.

it's no longer the nerve wrecking feeling of not knowing what to feel, no longer the carefulness of the words you might say, the mistakes you might make,

you feel at ease, you feel like...

you are living.

not in the past, not in the sadness you were always scared of, you feel like you could let go of it, you feel like you can live in the moment.

the moment when you are walking next to the sun, next to the girl that bring you all the emotions you needed, all the emotions you had longed for. the light in your darkness, the hope you need, the much needed thread that you could hold on to with your life.

and it's crazy how you could trust bada even when you guys had just met.

a total stranger.

but maybe.... when you know, you know.

and the thought about being able to be with her, even just this moment, make you happy.

while she may just agree to be with you in this afternoon, to you, it's all the time in the world.

because,

the earth orbit around the sun, always.

#bada lee #bada x reader #bada lee x reader #bada lee fluff #swf2 x reader #swf2 #⟢ tod's chaos

[terapsina]

#2 for the book worm ask game!

(ask game)

2. Favorite fantasy book(s).

(Eeeeexcellent, I do love fantasy books. Though how I'm gonna narrow it to only a few I've got no idea. Okay. I'm going to remove the very obvious choices like Lord of the Rings (though it is one of my faves)).

---

Monstrous Regiment. I love the entire Discworld series (especially The Witches) but I've also got a huge soft spot in my heart for Terry Pratchett's take on 'a girl dresses like a boy to go to war' (and thinks of everything except some spare socks in- erm... the right place). Along with Polly, the squad consists of a vampire, a troll, an Igor, a religious fanatic and two very, very close "friends" (and yes, the official summary put the friends in quotes too). And everyone has their own secret.

I love basically everything about this book and I can't tell you guys any of it because it would spoil all the fun.

The Goblin Emperor. This one's a story filled with light. Maia the half goblin son of the elven Emperor was never supposed to take the throne (or to ever even be at court. because racism). And then everyone ahead of him dies in a single "accident" and suddenly he's the new Emperor. Maia is a good person, and a kind one, and despite everything that gets thrown at him he keeps hold of that understanding of right and wrong and refuses to bend.

(I have to mention that the language of the writing is kinda hard to get into in the beginning, and the characters's have very complicated and long names, but once you get into it it really did enhance the story for me).

Good Omens. An Angel and a Demon try to stop the apocalypse and instead lose the Antichrist. I've loved that book for like a decade now and if I don't put it on a list of my faves that list would be a lie.

The King of Attolia. Third in The Queen's Thief series and my favorite one out of all of them. I've always enjoyed Outsider POV in fics. And here is a book that just... proves why. We've got Eugenides and Irene, the Thief and the Queen, and we know them from the two previous books. And adore them. But the story isn't from their POV, it's from the POV of Costis, a Queen's guard who's suddenly gotten assigned to the King. The useless, weak, undeserving king that as far as Costis is concerned doesn't deserve to even kiss the Queen's boots. And it's hilarious to read the story from the eyes of someone who knows so much less than us. And so satisfying, as he begins to understand.

(I recommend the whole series and am personally glad to have read them in the published order but Megan Whalen Turner has stated that she wrote them in a way that allows you to jump in at any point you want).

The Raven Tower. The story is from the viewpoint of a sentient, omniscient rock whose name is Strength and Patience of the Hill and it is the GREATEST THING EVER. The gods are real and must be very careful with their words, because if they speak a lie the reality will alter to make that lie the truth but if the lie is bigger than the power of the god... well. Inspired by Hamlet.

(the book also has a trans man as the main character; the other main character? The sentient rock is the narrator but the largest part of the story focuses on Eolo).

A Natural History of Dragons. The first book from The Memoirs of Lady Trent (and honestly it would probably be more honest to say that every single book from this series fits the category of fave but I'm putting up the first here because this isn't a series where you should skip ahead). The book focuses on the life of Isabella as narrated by her older self. This is the story how a Scirland lady bucked all tradition and became a world renowned expert on the Natural History of Dragons.

(this series has a piece of my heart and always will).

---

(and finally, here's some more of my favorite fantasy books that I also adore and would totally ramble about but I got tired of typing).

#monstrous regiment #the goblin emperor #good omens #the king of attolia #the raven tower #a natural history of dragons #discworld #terry pratchett #katherine addison #neil gaiman #the queen's thief #megan whalen turner #ann leckie #the memoirs of lady trent #marie brennan #fantasy books #book rec #book recs #book asks #ask game #ask meme #answers #tinynavajo #terapsina rambles #terapsina's book rambles

[happilyfeatherafter]

Dean’s VOs in The Winchesters (season one!)

(LISTEN ALONG WITH AUDIO HERE)

Dean episode 1: 

( Ten Years After's "I'd Love to Change the World" ) ♪ ♪ 

March 23, 1972. The day Dad came home from the war, and the day he met Mom. Now I know this story might sound familiar, but I'm gonna put the pieces together in a way that just might surprise you. And in order to do that, I have to start all the way at the beginning. 

[END OF EPISODE]

What they didn't know is that the Akrida weren't just a threat to Earth, but to all of existence. Now, like I told you, there's gonna be some surprises. Hell, I'm still trying to find all the puzzle pieces myself. But I'll explain everything. And until then, I'll keep picking the music. 

♪ ♪ Spread them wide ♪ ♪ Rich or poor ♪ ♪ Them and us ♪ ♪ Stop the war ♪ 

Dean episode 2: 

( punchy, percussive music ) ♪ ♪  The ties that bind a family together can be complicated. Parents raise you, teach you what's right and wrong, and in some instances, how to kill monsters. But no matter who you are, there comes a time when you have to break from them and make your own way. And if you're not careful, things can get pretty ugly. 

Dean episode 3: 

( dramatic music ) ♪ ♪ ( screams ) ( sizzling ) ( growling )  There's no map to being a hunter. No playbook. You gotta follow your gut. But that can only take you so far. Truth is, you can't do it all on your own. You need other people to help guide the way... Your friends, your family. Otherwise you just end up lost. 

Dean episode 4: 

( eerie music ) ♪ ♪  Fighting the battle between good and evil isn't easy, especially when the first monster you have to face is the one inside yourself. ( soft dramatic music ) 

Dean episode 5: 

( dramatic music ) ♪ ♪ Spending a lifetime of hunting monsters takes its toll. There comes the time when you gotta let out that pain inside you. If you don't, it'll eat you alive. 

Dean episode 6: 

(Lata) I am centered. I am at peace. I create my own path, and I walk in it fearlessly. (end Lata)

Hunting has a way of changing a person. After a while, right, wrong, good, evil, they all start to look the same. And then it makes you start to wonder, "Who's really the monster here--them or me?" 

[END OF EPISODE]

Hunting's not for everyone. You have to be strong, stay sharp, make tough decisions, and it's not easy, But then again, the righteous things never are. 

Dean episode 7: 

( birds chirping ) Comes a time in every hunt when the fightin' starts. And the difference between winning and losing isn't whether you have the holy water, the wooden stake, or the silver bullet. It's whether you've got the grit to get the job done. (Mary on radio)

Dean episode 8:

(John Moran’s “Rebel”) ♪ ♪ Being a hunter, it means living a life of sacrifice-- not a lot of room for dreams. But you open your heart and get a little lucky, you'll find you gain more than you lose. ♪ ♪

Dean episode 9:

( mellow bluesy music ) ♪ ♪ This isn't how I saw things going when I pushed over that first domino. Thing is, I've had more than a few dances with free will and fate, but as my dad used to say, "Fate is what you make it."

Dean episode 10:

Hunting and happy endings don't usually mix, so when you get your chance, you got to ask yourself, "How far will I go to get it?"

Dean episode 11:

Being a Hunter means always being on the move, No matter how hard you plan, no matter how hard you work, at a certain point, we all run out of road. It's what we do with those crossroads that defines us.

Dean episode 12:

♪ ♪ ( carnival music resumes ) ♪ ♪ ( giggling manically ) ♪ ♪ ( shrill giggling ) ( whispering voices ) ( strange sounds ) 🤡🤡🤡

Hunting's a dishonest business. You gotta lie all the time about who you are and what you do. But the hardest lies aren't the ones you tell other people. They're the ones you tell yourself.

(Mary to John) Another day looking for this mystery man and still nothing. It's like this guy's a ghost. (End Mary to John).

Dean episode 13:

*RECORD SCRATCH* HE’S HERE!!!!! We’re going in universe baby.

(Opening scene, dramatic music ) ♪ ♪ 

Dean: John Winchester. 

John: Sir, can I help you? 

Dean: This is for you. 

John: Where did you get this? Who are--  [...] One ticket for Lawrence, Kansas. 

Ticket lady: Okay.

BOBBY, IT’S FREAKIN’ BOBBY!!!: We're not supposed to meddle with things, ya idjit!

Dean: You always said if I was gonna be stupid, I might as well be smart about it. 

Bobby: Yeah, that does sound about like me. We're not even supposed to be here. 

Dean: Come on, the letter was meant for him. I just, uh, you know, gave it a nudge. 

Bobby: You keep an eye on things here. I'm gonna get the damn cavalry. 

Dean: How you gonna do that? 

Bobby: I got no freaking idea. One last hunt, huh? 

Dean: One last hunt. ♪ ♪

[Insert finale including lots of chat about the ‘ruggedly handsome' mystery man here. For Akrida!Queen exposition science: You're here to talk about the man with no name...he was digging around in things that should have stayed buried. ... The Akrida. You see, our mysterious friend isn't from around here. There's only so much he could do. His hands were tied. Credit where it's due... he did manage to stay ahead of me for a while, but... I can assure you that he's not going to be a problem anymore. ... Well, there's this portal. You see--I'm sure you've heard of it. It's not quite up to code yet, but I managed to pry it open just enough to toss a certain someone and his car into it. No human can survive that gateway, so his body will be torn to shreds for centuries. Anyway, this, um... this old journal... it's all that's left of him.]

Back to the end of the show:

( electricity crackling ) ( engine revving ) ( engine revving ) ( dramatic music )  ♪ ♪ 

John: Mary! ... How did you guys survive? 

Dean (gestures at Baby): She kept Mary safe... me too. Of course, there's not a lot that can tear me apart. I'm already dead. I was stuck in the world between worlds, so I stayed close to that portal, and as soon as I saw baby come through, I hopped in and grabbed the wheel. 

Samuel: So who are you? 

Dean: I'm a Hunter, just like you. But I'm not from this Earth. 

Ada: And how did you get here? 

Dean: When I died, I made it to heaven. And she was waiting for me. So I went for a drive, and then I took a little detour. 

Latika: Through the multiverse. (Dean points ‘bingo’.)

Carlos: S-so what were you looking for? 

Dean: That's a good question, Carlos. I was looking for my family. See, I come from a long line of Hunters. I guess I was hoping that somewhere out there was an Earth that had a version where my family had a shot at a happy ending. When I was driving, I caught wind of the Akrida. Turns out that they were one of Chuck's last creations. 

Millie: Who's Chuck? 

Dean: God. It's a long story, but, uh... basically, he's a real dick. He left the Akrida behind to wipe out all of existence in case he failed. Well... he failed. Eventually the Akrida were going to make their way to my world, and I got family there, so I couldn't let that happen. 

John: T-the letter, why did you-- 

Dean: I took my little detour. The rules were simple. Don't mess with anything. Well... I gave it a little nudge. Thought it might need a little help. Looks like it worked out pretty well. So now that the Akrida are gone, you all can choose your own destiny. You can write your own story. 

Jack: And you can get back to yours. 

Dean: It's all right. It's all right. They're--they're with me. This is Bobby. That's Jack. They're family. Excuse me. You okay? 

Bobby: I told you I'd figure it out. Didn't say I wouldn't get us in more trouble. Look at 'em. Man, this is all kinds of weird... seeing Samuel with a full head of hair. 

Dean: Right? ( chuckles )

Jack (~~or is he?~~): Dean. 

Dean: Yeah. No, I know. I know, Jack. 

Jack: When I restored things, I wanted mankind to make their own fate. That meant no interference from on high, anywhere... no exceptions. 

Dean: I couldn't let our world get destroyed. Sam's still down there, okay? He deserves a good, long life. Hell, they all do. ( indistinct chatter ) So, if you want to cast me out of heaven... so be it. 

Bobby: If we're taking a vote, I'd say you give the guy another chance. 

Jack: There's always another case with you Hunters... even in death. Well... if you're going to meddle in things, finish what you started. After this... it's time to get around to the... "there'll be peace when you are done"... part of the song.

Dean to John: Listen, um... b-before I go... I want to give you two something. My dad... he, uh... Kept a Hunter's journal, looked just like this. I lived my whole life by that damn thing. Well, this is my Hunter's journal. So if you're gonna stay in this game... This will help guide you through it. 

John: Thank you. 

Dean to Mary: I know you're thinking about quitting Hunting. Believe me, I understand. But you need to do me one favor. Keep an eye out for a yellow-eyed demon. And if you even catch a hint of that son of a bitch... I need you to use this. 

Mary: Your family... did you ever find a version where they had a shot of a happy ending? 

Dean: I think I did. 

John: You never told us your name. 

Dean: Hetfield... James Hetfield. (Hetfield is the lead vocalist, rhythm guitarist, co-founder, and a primary songwriter of heavy metal band Metallica.)

( Nick Drake's "One of These Things First" ) ♪ ♪ (Dean, Bobby and Jack vanish with baby). 

Transcripts from: https://tvshowtranscripts.ourboard.org/viewforum.php?f=1550

#SPNWIN #The Winchesters #Dean Winchester #no negative comments in tags pls #SPNWIN spoilers #SPNWIN 1x01 #SPNWIN 1x02 #SPNWIN 1x03 #SPNWIN 1x04 #SPNWIN 1x05 #SPNWIN 1x06 #SPNWIN 1x07 #SPNWIN 1x08 #SPNWIN 1x09 #SPNWIN 1x10 #SPNWIN 1x11 #SPNWIN 1x12 #SPNWIN 1x13 #seriously make a separate post with any negativity I do not wish to see it #this includes ship war or character war stuff I simply do not want to see it

[abooklover]

Rewatching the first two episodes of the Percy Jackson series for like the fifth time like any sane person and just wanted to make a comprehensive (and I mean comprehensive so bear with me here) list of all my thoughts, however unhinged they may be so here goes.

EPISODE 1

Walker’s monologue at the beginning gives such great background and I’m not gonna lie it destroyed me hearing ‘look I didn’t want to be a half-blood’ as the first words. Not to mention the fact that half of that monologue is pretty much word for word from the book which is something I die over whenever it happens

Blackjack looking out for Percy - we love a bit of foreshadowing

The light that comes into the picture when he says things changed when he met Grover. This is literally everything to me, I am so glad even just in the first two episodes they’re showing how strong of a bond they have. Also let’s not forget that they have Mythomagic cards

Sally Jackson (my goddess) imparting words of fucking wisdom - ‘not everyone who looks like a hero is a hero and not everyone who looks like a monster is a monster’

Also her explaining to Percy the story of Perseus (his name sake) - like I am sorry but the centring of the mother/son relationship which only amplifies once Percy loses her is something I don’t know how to explain how much I love (like her even prays to her over his father who is a literal god but we’ll get to that later). ‘hold fast Perseus, brave the storm that was made to break us for we are unbreakable as long as we have each other’ 😭

‘hang on to that, it is a mighty instrument’ - oh yeah it is

Grover spouting scientific facts about bullying - ‘childhood trauma, feelings of inadequacy’ - like he’s written a research paper on it 🤣

Percy and Grover swapping things on their sandwich like they’re siblings

‘I was thinking more like shoving Nancy in the nearest dumpster’ and there mischievous smile afterwards - oh I love you Percy

Grover saying ‘If there’s one thing I know about bullies, you should never stand up to them’ and Percy saying ‘that doesn’t sound right’

I was a little underwhelmed with the whole Mrs Dodds encounter. I don’t know I think I just expected something longer and with the whole drama of Mr Brunner throwing Percy the pen but I think maybe in hindsight it makes more sense cause it’s easier to convince Percy that it didn’t happen

Gotta say that the first time I watched the scene in the principals office I did not even realise Rick was in it but now I can’t not see him

Grover ‘betraying’ Percy was heartbreaking cause you know Grover doesn’t want to do it but knows that he has to and you know that Percy feels like he has lost the only friend he had

Actually really glad that Eddie is a nice sympathetic guy not one of Gabe’s poker buddies

Still disappointed by Gabe - I still think he needed to be a bit more grimy and disgusting (and the way he talks in the scene was just not right for me, don’t know whether it was the acting or the script but it was a no from me). Though Percy’s ‘Losing at imaginary poker’ line was funny

Logical and Sally Jackson. That is all. Just know that I actively sob every time I watch this. Also her sitting in the rain so contentedly will never not hit me, on a personal level knowing how certain things can just provide peace and an escape from life otherwise but also more contextually with her and Poseidon (bottom line: water is the ultimate comfort)

Of course Sally believes Percy and brings him blue candy. Keeping the most important themes of the book. The mother-son bond (which I will to more later) and the blue

I always thought Brunner was pronounced runner but with a b in front of it

D’Angelo’s - yes I will take any peace of nico that I am given (fingers crossed for the lotus casino scenes)

My kin sally Jackson crying in a car while watching her son sleep knowing what lies ahead, nope sorry but I’m not okay and neither is she

‘You fell in love with god, like-like Jesus?’ - oh Percy my love. If nothing else this is who Percy Jackson is.

Percy fully believing that something is wrong with him because that’s what he’s always been told

‘What is he doing here, I don’t want to see him’. Grover and his impeccable timing and panic. Don’t get me started on why I think the ‘You didn’t tell him about me?’, ‘You’re early’ exchange between Grover and Sally is the funniest thing to me.

‘Why is there half a goat in your pants?’ and ‘Why is it wearing underpants?’ - Percy asking the important questions here

I honestly don’t know how they didn’t figure out Percy was Poseidon’s son after the whole Nancy no of it and then Clarissa like it was quite obvious

‘I’m actually 24’ oh Grover we know you bleat when you’re anxious

Sally’s goodbye to Percy - I am a sucker for sadness

I do agree that riptide should be bigger but the only thing I can think is that maybe it’ll grow with him

EPISODE 2

‘You drool when you sleep’ the iconic line. It kinda disappointed me not going to lie.

PETER JOHNSON-pretending to be Percy’s father-PETER-using Percy to break the rules Dionysus introduction and pipeline (oh he is horribly perfect)

‘Yeah but did you’ persassy is in the house and I hope he never leaves (one of my favourite lines and the way walker delivers it is perfection)

Camp looks incredible. I know people have issues with the grandeur of it all but that’s the way things work in the film industry and I personal adore it

And can we talk about Chiron’s injured back leg. Like am I forgetting something (probably) but I don’t remembered him being injured

For those who don’t know, finding out that like is the bad guy is probably gonna destroy them. Charlie bushnell really was like I’m gonna make everyone love me only for them to be crushed (and even though I know I am still gonna hurt - yes I have a soft spot for Luke)

I was so confused when Grover went into the woods and saw the council (it was the only part that I was like what in the world is this, this wasn’t in the books)

Luke being the one the comfort Percy and show him around - oh a genius choice narrative wise but I do miss my girl Annabeth

Introduction to Clarisse was everything - Dior is my goddess

‘Should I try again’ and the resounding ‘NO!’

‘Is there a Greek God of disappointment. Maybe someone should ask him if he’s missing a kid’ - Percy Percy Percy stop making me love you more than I already do like I don’t think my heart can take it

Then Chris’s lovely little tangent and Luke going man why the fuck are you saying this and reassuring Percy - you go storyline building up the loveable Luke (I’m already hurting)

‘They like the smell of begging’ - top teir line

‘You burn what you’re gonging to miss the most’ flash forward to Percy taking this and burning his blue candy praying, not to his father who is an actual god, but to his mother (I cannot handle this, like this kid knows that his mum is the real goddess)

Walker’s voice breaking on ‘well’ - I am sobbing

And the fact that he says he made actual friends - the narrative damning us to inevitable torture

The resentment in his voice when talking about his father - I am so glad they leaned into this

I kinda loved the bathroom scene. And how we are first introduced to Annabeth in this and how she is her blunt self (still don’t know how they could not have known)

Like calling Annabeth his little sister and saying he will always be on her side (I am hurting even more - we never get to see Luke’s perspective in the books and this, this absolutely ruined me)

Pronunciation of Thalia is still going to take some getting used to

Chiron forever in that suit jacket and fence is just not sitting right with me - doesn’t fit the whole trainer of warrior vibe he should be giving

‘Not you sunshine’ - honestly better than seaweed brain

Percy tripping over the branch and Annabeth just standing there and her facial expression (on Leah you are everything)

‘When it’s time he’s going to be ready. I know it.’ Cut to a montage of Percy doing the most 12 year old things possible, including but not limited to flossing (which I thought was kind of out of place and cringe) and petting a random gecko (which I thought was out of place but one of the most hilarious things ever so I’ll give it a pass) while his helmet and weapons lay discarded

Percy I thought you were meant to be proving yourself to your dad to get his attention or something, telling people where the flag is to avoid a fight is not exactly how to do that

Honestly any time Dior is on my screen is a good time - her manic laugh and anguished scream Dior is the moment

Annabeth’s bluntness will always be everything to me - ‘listen, Percy, I’m sorry’ and Percy’s ‘what is wrong with you’ (top five moments of the show)

The reveal - Percy Jackson son of Poseidon

‘I am Sally Jackson’s son’ yeah you tell them Percy (you will always be first and foremost Sally Jackson’s son)

#percy jackson and the olympians #percy jackson #pjo #pjo tv show #pjo spoilers #luke castellan #annabeth chase #grover underwood

[detectivecarisi-1]

The Senator’s Daughter Chapter 4 (Bodyguard! Dave York x AFAB reader)

AN: Good evening :) Can’t lie… seeing people reading this story, interacting with it, genuinely enjoying it??? Has me on cloud 9. It’s really the best knowing that people are enjoying this incredibly self-indulgent fanfiction I am writing. Last night, I saw that one of my favorite people on tumblr liked a chapter and I literally almost cried. Anyways, that’s life. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! I am sure you can tell, but miss reader here definitely needs some therapy... but she’s gonna get dicked down instead

Rating: Explicity (18+ ONLY, Ageless blogs will be blocked!!!!) 

Word Count: 3.3k

Warnings: ANGST, slight fluff? mentions of smut, descriptions of wet dreams, reader has a panic attack, verbal abuse, slight SH behavior (the reader pinches her thigh to keep from crying), references to alcohol abuse, language, Age Gap relationship. This chapter is pretty tame, no smut, just lots of emotions. 

Prolouge Chapter 1  Chapter 2  Chapter 3   

Dave is halfway downstairs, when he hears a high pitched, girlish scream followed by a thump coming from the living room. He instinctively starts to pick up the case, reaching for the knife he keeps in his pocket and speeding down the remainder of the steps, he’s about to turn the corner, when he hears loud, uncontrollable giggles.

He slows down, releasing a frustrated puff of air, and sees you laying on the floor, laughing, a real, genuine laugh, while… what looks like a snowball with a tail is doing everything in its power to lick your face. He smiles as he listens to you saying … absolute nonsense in a baby voice, before you pick the snowball up, kiss its head and cheerfully proclaim, “I can’t believe you’re back, baby!”

Dave watches for a moment, smiling softly as you grab a stuffed ice cream cone, throw it, and clap for the snowball when it chases it. Dave huffs in amusement as he watches the snowball lose traction on its own paws and slide to a stop.

“I swear, she loves that dog more than life itself,” Dave turns to see Senator Leland, smiling at his daughter on the ground, whispering so their presence continues to go unnoticed, “You may think the dogs been missing for a year or two, but she was just at the groomers this morning.”

Dave clenches his teeth to prevent his face from showing how adorable he thinks it really is. He watches you, so off in your own world, calling the snowball “the most precious little lady!” While rubbing its belly, the dog flopped onto her back. Finally, Senator Leland clears his throat, getting the attention of you and the dog.

Dave watches you turn, and your smile falls, your lips part slightly, eyes widening, you take a shaky breath in, but you don’t look away from him.

Why aren’t you looking away from him?

While you’re staring at Dave, like an animal caught in a trap, the snowball spots Dave, and sprints toward him, sliding to a step just at his dress shoes. He reaches down, offering his hand for a sniff, when the dog just immediately begins licking his fingers. Some guard dog you got…  

Mr. Leland’s phone begins ringing, he sighs, checks the caller ID, and he frowns, “Honey, you tell Dave about ‘love of your life’ yet? I’ve gotta take this, it’s an update on the polling numbers.” Mr. Leland answers the phone, swiftly leaving the room. You look down for a moment, clearing your throat, before smiling shyly at Dave, “that’s … that’s my best friend, my baby. Her name’s Peeve.”

At the sound of her name, Peeve looks toward you, and sprints back, hopping onto your lap. Dave furrows his brows, confused by the name, “Peeve?” You finally smile at Dave, still nervous, avoiding his eyes, “she’s my pet. My pet Peeve.”

You look up at Dave, a goofy, nervous smile on your face, just in time to see him returning your gaze, his face completely unamused. You feel like a fucking idiot, and your smile falls as you look away, going back to petting Peeve, before Dave lets out a breathless laugh.

He feels a pang in his chest at the way your face lights up at the sound.

Suddenly hopeful, you bite your lip and sit back against the fireplace, resting your arm across your knees, and he’s caught off guard by how… soft you look. You’re wearing an old William & Mary University hoodie, which looks a little bit too big on you, swallowing your body whole, paired with grey sweatpants, tied loosely around your waist. A pair of fuzzy socks with pink and purple dots on them covering your feet, and your hair loosely tied back from your face, with a rosy, pink scrunchie, a few stray pieces softly falling behind your ear, and laying messily across your forehead, perfectly framing the curve of your jaw and the plumpness of your cheeks. Your face is glowing, probably from the prior orgasm, but Dave also knows people well enough to see how exhausted you really look. Darkness and a little puffiness around your eyes, and your slightly lethargic way of moving.

After a while, Dave finally says “that’s the worst goddamn name for a dog I’ve ever heard” reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose to make a feeble attempt at hiding the laugh he can’t hold back anymore. You gasp dramatically, feigning offense, “I’ll have you know Peeve fits her name perfectly. Just you wait until you get perfectly comfortable in bed she just HAS to lay directly on top of your legs, and you’re forced to remain, perfectly still, in that same spot for the rest of the night!”

He blinks, chuckling under his breath, he turns to look away from the passionate argument for why Peeve is a pet peeve, to try to regain his composure. “Move her?” he responds, voice breathless with exasperation, examining the ornate detailing in the marbling of the fireplace.

“When Peeve is so comfortable? Blasphemy, Mr. York, how dare you suggest such a thing!” You lean forward, resting your head on your knees, eyes twinkling.

He turns around at processes the scene in front of you, Peeve jumping to rest on your tummy, you’re smiling so brightly at Dave that he swears he can feel his heart start to pound in his chest, like a boy crushing on the girl next to him in class.

The feeling startles him. He looks at you, pretty little smile on your face. So different from what he expected. But then… he processes how young you look. How soft, and innocent your smiling face is. As if all at once, he then remembers why he’s here. You’re just a spoilt little rich girl, taking advantage of the privilege granted to you. You could have it all, but you choose to throw it away for a few drinks and a bag of Percocet. His job is to make sure you don’t end up in jail, or worse, dead. He remembers your temper tantrum; he remembers the photos of you on TMZ.

He remembers how turned on he was hearing the soft moans you let out in your sleep… He remembers how in his fantasy of you, you listened so perfectly as you fell to your knees in front of him… he remembers how pretty you sound, begging for his cum.

As he gazes at you, he starts to process how your eyes look the exact same way they did in his fantasy. Big, round, innocent… so fucking pretty.

He can’t feel like this.

He looks away, steeling himself, clearing his throat, “Well… a dog’s a dog, Miss Leland. You can move her.” and he swiftly walks to the dining room, not bothering to look at you again. ——————————————————————— You sit there, defeated for a second, trying to comprehend the sudden shift in Dave’s demeanor. You frown … did you maybe take it too far? Well, you definitely did. You just met the man that morning, and you’re already waving a vibrator in his face. But to be fair, you never had a solid understanding of boundaries, and he was fucking with you just as much.

Sure, there’s this weird, undeniable sexual tension between the two of you, like a rubber band about to snap… but you can’t help but wonder if you’ve created this. if you imagined the look in his eyes when you whispered in his ear. like he wanted to devour you where you stood. or maybe you imagined the smile he immediately hid when you woke up from your (very fucking filthy) wet dream you had about him. but, you know you didn’t imagine the hard outline of his cock, straining against his black dress pants. you can’t deny the feeling of it under your fingertips as you lightly brushed across it. You know, he must’ve been just as turned on as you were.

then again… the human body is weird. it gets turned on to things the brain wishes it wouldn’t. and Dave clearly fucking hates you, that much is for sure. after basically stealing his life away and then having a literal fucking temper tantrum about it, honestly, you can’t even blame him. Not to mention, he’s probably more than twice your age, so why would he even bother looking at you in that way?

but then again….

you’re thinking yourself in circles. nothing makes sense, and you resign yourself to a feeling of hopeless confusion. flopping back onto the floor dramatically, you stare at the ceiling trying the deep breathing techniques you learned when your father finally agreed to let you go to a therapist. It’s all you really remember from your time in therapy. her name was Monica… and you loved her. but after a reporter followed you into the office and photographed you crying as you exited, the headline on the next day’s Virginian Pilot “Leland’s Daughter Breaks Down!,” your dad pulled you out and never let you go back.

later, you found out the reporter was the father of one of your acquaintances in high school… great. that did wonders for your trust in other people (obviously.)

you’re laying on the floor, four second inhale. four second pause. four second exhale. pause. rinse and repeat. Peeve lays down next to you, stuffed ice cream cone still in her mouth, as she offers it to you as a consultation prize.

God you wished that fucking worked.

before your head can clear and your heart rate can return to normal, you’re called into the dining room for dinner. ——————-————————————————

When you enter the dining room, your dad is still furiously talking on the phone. Dave sits awkwardly at the end of the table, looking frustrated, staring at the cabinet behind your father. His eyes flicker to yours for a moment before he clenches his jaw and looks away.

You try to forget how bad it hurts.

“Listen… I know it’s gonna be hard to cover up. But do whatever you have to do. I don’t care if you have to … well pay the fucking sheriff off if you have to! I don’t care!” your father hangs up the phone in an instant… it doesn’t take a genius to know he’s talking about you, and it definitely doesn’t take a genius to see how pissed off he is. He runs a hand through his hair, letting out a long, frustrated exhale. Before turning to you and giving you a tight-lipped smile.

You can’t find it in yourself to return it.

You begin to eat your dinner, chicken piccata with artichokes, served on a bed of simple, creamy spaghetti, topped with a heaping serving of Parmigiano Reggiano a side of a Caesar salad. You let the bright flavors of capers and lemon distract you from how much you’re feeling. How you’re somehow feeling so much, you feel nothing at all. All the intensity somehow just morphed into a feeling of acceptance, completely numb to everything happening around you.

You let your eyes flicker to Dave, who is staring at his plate, and he must’ve sensed you looking because he looks up at you briefly, before immediately glancing away, like you’re fucking see through.

Jesus Christ. Your foot starts to tap nervously, as suddenly the taste of parmesan cheese and creamy spaghetti noodles suddenly makes you feel nauseous. God… fuck this.

“Dad…” you blurt out, before you can even think about what you’re about to ask, and how bad it’ll make you look, “am I still able to go out? Or am I like… permanently banished to my room?”

Your father freezes for a moment, and you swear you hear Mr. York let out a sigh of annoyance. You watch him out of the corner of your eye, clench his jaw, and the soft eyes he gave you in the living room are long gone. He straightens up and looks to your father, waiting for a reaction.

“Sweetheart…” your dad starts, he’s choosing his words carefully, slowly and methodically speaking, trying his best to make this blow over as smoothly as he can, “are you sure that’s the best idea?”

No, actually. You’re not sure. In fact, you know this is a bad idea. You know this is probably one of your worst ideas. Less than 24 hours ago you were sitting in a Virginia Beach jail cell and got off solely because of your father’s reputation. But with how you feel like, at any moment you’re going to lose your fucking shit. How you’re seriously contemplating bursting out of this house and running into the cold Atlantic Ocean just outside your doorstep, just to get the fuck out of here… drinking sounds fucking incredible right now.

You can’t say that to your father, for … obvious reasons. So, you sit up a little straighter, clearing your throat, and pitching your voice up higher, just like you used to do as a kid when you would beg him to take you to 7/11 for a Slurpee after school, “Dad… I know what I did was bad. And I’ve learned my lesson. But, with Dave here, he can take care of me. So, nothing bad will happen again.” You look to Dave again just in time to see him roll his eyes at your performance. Okay, confirmed, he does see right fucking through you.

Your dad on the other hand… this always worked. He frowns… looks at you, thinks for a moment… “You can go out again. On two conditions.”

Fuck. Yes.

“One, you listen to Dave. Everything he says. If he cuts you off, he cuts you off. If he says it’s time to leave, it’s time to leave. You stay right next to him, the whole time. You do not leave his sight.”

You smile. Easy enough. You glance at Dave who is tapping his fingers on the table, his jaw tightly clenched, mouth pulled to one side, biting the inside of his lip.

Oh, he’s pissed.

But… like he said himself, the only two people Dave takes orders from is his boss, and Till Leland.

God bless Till Leland.

“Second, you have to promise me you’ll go back to school. You’re doing nothing with your life, and I’m sick of it. You need to start something. You can’t just make a career out of partying.”

Okay… that’s a little more difficult. You frown… “can I go to William & Mary?” Your voice is still in that pathetic, high pitched, whiny tone you pick up when you want something, and you’re vaguely aware of the way Dave turns to look at you, eyebrows pinched together in confusion.

Your dad sighs. Leaning down to rest his elbows on the table, resting his forehead on the heels of his hands “We’ve had this talk before, honey, you know, damn well, that if you end up going to anywhere other than Virginia Tech the President of the University will stop donating to my campaign. You know this.,”

Yes, you know this. But that still doesn’t stop you from trying to change this.

“I know, dad it’s just…”

He cuts you off, slamming his hand on the table, “See, you say you know this. You say you understand. But here you are still asking.”

Dave doesn’t show it, but he’s really fucking confused by the sudden turn in events. He’s never seen your father like this. This morning he was so kind and worried about you. Even when he yelled at he wouldn’t let you drink yourself to death, that came from a place of worry. Now, Till Leland is just furious. Dave watches as you recoil, as if you had just been slapped, and you look down at your plate, staring into it like you’re trying to completely remove yourself from being mentally present in this moment.

Till continues, “I caved when you just kept begging to study English Lit. Even though you know as well as I do that there’s barely any jobs. But I’m not caving in this. It’s Virginia Tech or you get out. You’ve ruined my campaign enough for one night. Honestly, you getting out would be doing me a favor, at this point.” After saying it he closes his eyes, breathing heavily, rubbing his temples.

Holy shit.

Even Dave can recognize that that was a little excessive. He looks to you, where you stay, staring into your plate of pasta, blinking away tears, breathing heavily. The silence in the room is defeating. No one moves, no one makes a sound, until he hears you, in a small soft voice “I’ll register for classes tomorrow…” Dave watches as you bite your lip, and bring a hand up to your thigh as you pinch the skin above your knee for a moment, you take a deep breath and look up at your father, “May I be excused?”

You get out of there before your dad can respond.

Dave takes a deep breath, standing to follow you out of the room, grabbing his plate, Mr. Leland holds a hand up, before sighing and resting his forehead in his hands.

“Dave… just…” He looks up at Dave, face sad and eyes slightly reddened, shakes his head, and goes back to eating his dinner, like nothing happened, “make sure she’s alright.” ——————-———————————————— The second the door to your bedroom shuts behind you, you let out a choked sob, stumbling until you collapse on the floor. Bringing your knees to your chest, you’re just trying to breathe. Four seconds in. Four second pause… and you can’t hold your breath for four seconds. Your heart rate is too high, your mind running too quick, your heart just fucking hurting too bad. You feel like your father reached into your chest cavity and is currently crushing your heart between his fists. The emotional pain you feel right now is so crushing, you feel it physically. You feel a heaviness on your chest you've unfortunately grown familiar with, but not used to it. You’re not able to breathe. Everything that has happened in the last 24 hours is pinning you to the ground, warranting you unable to even move. You just sit on the ground, crying in your hands, feeling your warm tears sliding down your palms, darkening the sleeves of your hoodie, the fabric cooling and chilling your wrists. But you don’t even care.

Your brain feels like mush, so much to think about leaving you completely thoughtless. All you know is you’re hurting and there’s nothing you can do in your house to stop it.

Laying back and staring at the ceiling, tears running across your cheeks, cool tears pooling into your ears.

You let them run.

You don’t bother to move when your head your doorknob turn, and the undeniable click of your door opening. You just stare up at the ceiling, memorizing the faint textured details on the ceiling. You don’t bother moving, even when Dave kneels beside you, his knees popping as he lowers. You miss the way his face winces at the feeling.

He examines you for a moment. Face swollen and glassy with tears, your eyes blankly staring into the ceiling. Your breathing, rhythmic, he hears you inhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds, exhale four seconds, hold for four seconds. You repeat this, over and over, not stopping, even he moves to bring you a tissue from the box on your bedside table.

He doesn’t say a word.

Neither do you.

Taglist: @fatimaisabelpascal @hayley1623 @marysucks-blog @pedro-pedrito-pascalito​

If you’d like to be tagged in future chapters lmk! 

#Dave York #dave york x reader #dave york fanfiction #dave york fanfic #dave york smut #dave york fic #dave york x female reader #dave york x afab reader #bodyguard!AU #Pedro Pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal smut #pedro pascal fandom #enemies to lovers #dave york fluff #slow burn #My writing #my work #the senators daughter

[kanerallels]

No no please I desperately want to hear your Bode opinions, I crave to know if anyone else has the same geek kind I do

Oh my stars Anon I got this ask and I am VERY pleased by it but also like. prepare for me to have an objectively wrong opinion here. It's not the, generally speaking, correct one, but it's just the one I have

Anyways I'm gonna put this under the cut because it's gonna get long and spoiler-ful but! Here are two posts that I think have amazing takes on the situation as well!

Post one

Post two

Let's start at the very beginning. It took me forever to actually get this game, and due to that fact and my lack of self control, I found out quite a few spoilers about the game. (not everything, but a lot of stuff.) This included Bode's betrayal

At first I was like, oh this random guy is gonna betray me! Guess I gotta prepare to be super ticked off for a little while since I always handle betrayal arcs in fiction like an adult (that's a lie. I do not handle betrayals in fiction well At All. Still getting over the Billy Russo situation in The Punisher and don't even get me started on season one of AOS-- both of which I also saw coming. I digress, but that was relevant)

But then. I started playing Coruscant. And Bode showed up

Logically, I was like "oh random dude who's gonna betray me-- better not get attached."

About ten or fifteen minutes later he was my (or Cal's, technically) new best friend. As you can see, it went really well (he was befriending BD too, okay???)

Okay rabbit trails aside-- I really, really liked Bode as a character. So much so that I kept forgetting that he was going to betray me, and that I shouldn't get too attached. I liked his ridiculous quips and his loyalty to Cal and the fact he kept calling him "brother" and his obvious and fierce love for his daughter and how much he shipped Merrical

So when he did turn evil... it hurt. A lot

Like I said, I don't handle these things well. And in a video game-- where I tend to project onto/pretend that I am the character-- it was just as bad, if not worse

And yet, despite all of that, despite everything he did to Cal and the crew, despite him killing Master Cordova and causing so many terrible things to happen. I couldn't really bring myself to hate him

For two reasons. Number one, if I let myself go down the road of actively hating a character like that, it will not go well. I speak from experience

And number two, Bode seemed to regret what he did. That scene right before the second Merrical kiss, on Jedha? He looked like he wanted to tell Cal, but (in his mind) knew he couldn't because he had to protect Kata above all else

On Nova Garon he called Cal his best friend, and he sounded so sad, like he knew he'd destroyed the relationship beyond repair

(we ain't touching on Bode on Tanalorr. Everything he did there was objectively terrible)

The point is... I get that Bode is supposed to be a bad guy, but I'm never gonna see him that way. I'm gonna see him as consumed by his own fear, so terrified at the idea of losing his family again (after all, the Jedi Order was his family first. Losing them, and then his wife? That's just trauma on top of trauma) that he will do LITERALLY anything and justify it with the fact that he's doing it for Kata

He's just so AFRAID. And fear leads to anger (which is a secondary emotion, as my mom likes to say. Anger never comes from nothing), which leads to the Dark side

And while there's part of me that still thinks that he was being an idiot about this whole situation (sir Tanalorr is a whole hecking planet?? Guarded by a freaking impassable nebula?? That's why you're here in the first place) the other part of me knows that when you're guided by that much fear, you're not thinking clearly

So yes, Bode did terrible things-- he killed Master Cordova. Indirectly, he caused Cere's death (which, unless I'm remembering wrong, which is totally possible, I don't think Cal blamed him for that? He seemed to blame Denvik-- but again, I could be wrong). He manipulated Cal and endangered his daughter with his rage on Tanalorr and nearly killed both Merrin and Cal and KRIFFING HIT MY BELOVED BD 1

But when I look at his motives? At first, I forgive him, because that's what I'm called to do. And at the point where he reaches no return, I just pity him

And honestly I think in the end that's where Cal ended up too? Like, he was obviously angry and hurt and going through a lot, but he did want to give him a second chance. And I think if Bode hadn't be so focused on what could happen and how he could possibly lose more family, he could have accepted that

But he didn't. Instead, he committed atrocities, and I do condemn what he did and how he handled the situation. It was wrong. But I'll always be more inclined to imagine the world where he did trust Cal, and got a second chance

But yeah, there are some of my extensive thoughts on Bode Akuna! There are a few more small things, that I may post about in the future-- but I'd LOVE to hear what your take on him is, Anon! Even if we disagree, I'm still very curious. Thank you very much for the ask, if you got this far, I appreciate you reading!

(TL;DR-- Bode Akuna did so many bad things but I do think he regretted them, no matter how much he justified them in his mind and to others. And I personally am forgiving him and imagining worlds where he made the right choice)

#thanks for the ask! #bode akuna #jedi survivor #jedi survivor spoilers #cal kestis #nightsister merrin #bd 1 #kata akuna #i do think that attachment was a part of it which i'm not putting in the main post because it will get wildly misinterpreted #and i don't want to pick that fight today #but i will say i'm not saying his attachment (meaning love) for his daughter is what caused it #i'm saying his unwillingness to even chance the fact that his daughter could get hurt at the cost of hundreds of other's lives #is what caused it #now i'm not a parent so i don't know what it's like #but i know that you're supposed to protect your kids #but also you're supposed to not commit atrocities. it's all about finding that balance ya know? #*fake cough* like kanan jarrus *fake cough* #but that's a whole other post i'll make someday if i feel like it #long post

[purpleandstarlight]

It continues @hateweasel

-I never listened to Fly me to the moon - but I always connect it to a canon kiss between two queer characters in a trilogy I really like bc after it one of them goes back to his room while humming it. Then that arc of yours with the crazy villain dude who sang it came and past me was afraid it would ruin my good memory associated with the song (but I genuinely forgot it until now).

-I wasn't impressed with that arc's villain's intelligence and didn't understand his beef with Ciel since from what I understood back then it was his own fault for touching sacred objects wrong??? Like don't be surprised if you get cursed while playing with ancient magic artifacts dude...(not criticism towards the author, just the character who's being needlesly petty lmao)

-I then said, and i have really no context for it but that just makes it funnier: "Ciel seems unimpressed...Wich is peak Ciel behavior, but this time he's right." I guess it was about the arc's villain?

- Cameron [about Alois, Ciel and Audrey]: They are horrible supernatural creatures that kill people!!!!

Me back then: Bestie, Audrey is just half reaper? He doesn't do a reaper job either??? And reapers don't kill anyway they just collect the souls of the dead???

(I understood that he was manipulated by the villain so he probs got a lot of shit wrong. Before the whole "trying to get back with Kris while he's amnesiac", me and my friend gave him the benefit of the doubt and defended him a bit. But reading this now its still funny to me)

-Me shitting on the arc's villain name with my friend. I didn't even remember the whole name but I was sure it sucked and we were very vocal about it (again, bullying the character, not the author). I just generally had beef with the dude ig, I realized just now that I kept insulting him for everything...

-i was SO hype about the rest of the 7 going around spying Cielois on a date...wich. understandable. It's peak me behavior. I'm there for the funny hijinks. You actually call them "the backseat boys" while they're on a taxi in that chapter, i realize in my first reread, and it always makes me lose it for the giggles since I assume it's a reference to the backstreet boys? I don't know them I just know the name but ITS A FUNNY PUN.

-Oh God DaffyDucks's introduction chapter...The moment he was fighting with the seven to sit next to Alois my gaydar buzzed, no lie. After he started being sleazy with Alois, I was genuinely just creeped out and annoyed by him troughtout the whole arc and never really stopped. I hate him even now. I cheered when Ciel kicked his ass.

-DLTD: By that afternoon, Ciel had rid himself of the rest of the sensational seven

Me: LOL

DLTD: ...(including Alois)

Me: ... :(

Me: NO WAIT I MISREAD!! IT SAYS EXCLUDING!!! :DD

(Genuine Rollercoaster of emotions I had while reading that single sentence)

-Gabriel Bailey saying he would stop being a cop made me so sad. I was like "More power to you but I'm gonna miss you dude" cause I thought we wouldn't see him again?

Then my friend said "You know, cops saying they will stop being cops in fiction is usually a death flag" and I shat myself.

-I genuinely said (and I'm Copypasting) "NHA BC CIEL AND DAFFYDUCK DO BE HAVING SOME TENSION IF U KNOW WHAT I MEAN 💀" and then i followed it with (not Copypasting but translating in english) "Nha I'm kidding. Daffyduck isn't blonde he's got no chance."

-I said this at like 4 am. At 11:31 I then barged into the chatroom after this hours long silence with "Okay so DaffyDuck is an ally now but I still hate his guts".

- I then said "In the end DaffyDuck was working with the bad guys like i thought at the beginning of the arc but he was only being manipulated. I gave him much more importance than what he has." and my friend jokingly pointed out that a lot of people get manipulated in DLTD so I said "To be fair it's a common trope in every story, but not as many stories are so long as to have space for many repetition, so it's understandable that it happens a lot in this"

#DLTD Thoughts

[ff7-has-taken-me-over]

Randomly, I had a thought on how likely it would have been for different characters to have fallen for Cloud and why they would have fallen for him and now I’m here! Once more! So going in no particular order let us begin (this is just the main sort of batch of characters, let me know if you wanna see any of the side ones like the Turks or Rufus)

Also keep in mind this is just me, my opinions and my blog. Don’t like, don’t read, don’t bring your ship hating or ship wars in here or I’ll punch you. Please and thank you!

Zack: I am being mildly biased with my own shipping head canons when I say that he would’ve fallen head over heels upon first meeting, but also it is canon that he was a chronic flirt and had multiple ‘girlfriends’. So I say it’s not entirely out of the question.

Sephiroth: before he lost his mind there wasn’t a chance in fucking hell it would’ve happened I think. Besides the whole difference in rank thing Seph was already far too traumatised and probably would have just seen Cloud as another guy that saw him as nothing but a war hero. He might have entertained the thought of sleeping with him, maybe, but I really don’t think it would’ve happened. We all know how he is after he loses his mind so I don’t think I gotta delve into that.

Angeal: probably not. He definitely would’ve taken some sort of liking to Cloud, whether as a friend he could find good conversation with or a sort of protege like Zack, I dunno. But ultimately I don’t reckon they’d have too much of a connection, not without some form of poly going on or something. Which leads me to this next one.

Genesis: I for sure reckon he would’ve fallen for Cloud. It would’ve been fucking messy and drama filled and more than likely would have stemmed from an enemies to lovers cause they’re both so incredibly stubborn and head strong, but they would end up loving each other. They’d definitely still butt heads and get into useless arguments but there were far too many pros to even think of giving up on the other.

Aerith: without the whole Cloud resembling Zack thing, maybe. There’s a chance that she could have but it would have been slow. Would’ve been one of those things where they hung out and talked and did all this stuff together so often that one day she would’ve turned around and realised she was in love with him. Like a full on ‘oh’ moment.

Tifa: this is another thing that’s mildly biased based off my own head canons but I honestly don’t think Tifa would have fallen for Cloud. If not for the Nibelheim incident and Cloud being exactly what she always wished for as a kid I do not think it would’ve happened.

Barret: definitely fucking not 😂 besides the fact that he hated Cloud when they first met, Cloud is so far beyond his type it’s not even funny. Plus I feel like Barret would either be one of those guys who’s like ‘my wife was the only woman for me’ or he just wouldn’t wanna put Marlene through the stress of suddenly gaining another parent.

Biggs: maybe. Like a heavy ass possibly honestly. I feel like it would have been the most generic romance in history and it would’ve been so unbelievably normal and it most likely would have been short lived, but maybe.

Wedge: I’m not gonna lie. Wedge gives me aromantic vibes for some reason. I dunno why, he just does. He’d definitely befriend Cloud (eventually) and be willing to wingman him or something if he needed it but yeah, I don’t think Wedge would’ve fallen for him.

Jessie: she absolutely loves flirting with Cloud and teasing him and being all over him, but she is definitely a lesbian. Don’t even argue with me! That woman is a full fledged lesbian and she only flirts with guys so heavily cause it’s funny to watch them scramble.

Vincent: nah, not really. Would they have a friends with benefits thing? Probably. But I feel like Vincent is far too emotionally unavailable and traumatised to even entertain the idea of being with someone again.

Cid: I feel like this is similar to Angeal. He’d definitely like Cloud and they’d bond over mechanic shit and complain about the people they chose to surround themselves with, but he definitely wouldn’t fall for him either. Cloud is way too young for him and not nearly his type in a guy. Plus he has a wife.

#fic prompt #fic #prompt #final fantasy vii rebirth #final fantasy vii remake #final fantasy vii #Zack fair #cloud strife #angeal hewley #genesis rhapsodos #Sephiroth #aerith gainsborough #tifa lockhart #barret wallace #Jessie #Biggs #wedge #Vincent valentine #cid highwind #ships #headcanons #ship headcanons I guess #zakkura #clack #clerith #strifesodos #Biggs x cloud #Jessie is a raging lesbian headcanon #and you’ll pry it from my cold dead fingers

[tricornonthecob]

Oh shit here we go

LK 101 - Boston Spilling the Tea Party (part one)

pt pt2 pt3

Lets be honest, the real reason this series exists: Walter Cronkite as Benji Franx.

why is there only one dude on what appears to be a fucking *frigate* I mean I know why, animation budget, but my point stans

Also fuckin seizure warning on the Atlantic, brah.

Cluny the Scourge just hanging out on what I'm assuming is Sarah's bed? Or is that just her pet. Did she have a beloved pet rat?? Was she a rat girl??? This has caused more questions.

Is this her room?? Why is there a bed belowdecks like this? why is her room so massive?? Am I looking too hard into a DIC cartoon?

I love how this girl just canonically vibes with chaos. Alone, 15 years old, going to the colonies, in a fucking storm that even the grizzled sailors are freaked out by, and she's writing to her mom how exciting everything is. She's either dissociating like a champ or she's a legend. Also how are you not seasick??? Oh right you're an accomplished rider and horse girl you got that inner ear

Not gonna lie though, listening to this girl talk about her dad coming home from the wilderness and how they're all gonna have an awesome life is kind of sad. Oh, honeyyyyy. No. Can you imagine being her mom and getting all these letters? Oh god now I've made up more headcanons.

she really has the worst luck with ships, doesn't she.

SuCh SyMbOlIsM

This dork. Also why is his collar so fucking open jfc.

In this house we stan Exasperated Dad!Moses

"When someone wants to know what's on my shirt I can sell 'em a newspaper!" is the kind of idea I'd expect from an ADHD/PTSD madlad. I feel like both Sarah and James vibe and thrive off chaos, but only one of them has a balanced inner ear.

Gotta love Eager Beaver getting knocked down a peg by Exasperated Dad.

The *flair.* The *drama.* The *exasperated and slightly amused adult*

aaaaaaaaaaay the French Fry! The Brains! The feral younger sibling! The one I vibed with the hardest as a feral younger sibling!

Henri: Bitch I'd do it again!!!!

Dear writers: why the fuck did you set up an enemies-to friends-to lovers pipeline so hard like this.

oh my gOdD Moses is such a dilf

Ok is it just me or did they design her as a redhead in the beginning and slowly lighten her to strawberry blonde later on, or am I just losing my mind.

do you think they boinked. Dirty Old Man Franklin absolutely tried to make a move on Lady Phillips.

We all worry about your feral daughter, Lady Phillips.

AND WE'RE ON NICKNAME TERMS? Yeah they boinked.

Sir. SIR. Two of those associates are children.

THEY FUCKING. BOINKED. NEW SHIP FRANKLIN/LADY PHILLIPS WE CALL IT FRILLIPS OH MY GOD NO WAIT THEY'RE A POLYCULE.

They'd absolutely get hammered and watch a Pats game, I'm a little disappointed the directors didn't tell the voice actors to lean into the New England accent. Also why does the guy on the left look like Peter Griffin.

It can't be Boston, there aren't nearly enough maniacal drivers with homicidal intent

*there* it is.

Damn this dude got REAL into it.

He just. Hops over tea chests and pulls himself up over a ship. To interview people. Fucking madlad.

Henri is getting *into it* feral frenchman child.

I don't think that's a normal response. That abandonment/orphandom PTSD does things to a brain.

well somebody sure had fun discovering After Effects transitions.

Yeah your ship's cool and all but does your ship have a meetcute that involves blunt force trauma with weaponized literature.

To be continued because of the 30 image limit

#liberty's kids #james hiller #sarah phillips #henri lefebvre #Lady Phillips #amrev #Benjamin Franklin #Boston Tea Party #Tricorn on The Cob Watches LK And Makes Inane Commentary #Frillips #The Frillips Polycule is keeping me together #the alternate title for this was Boston Has A Kiki #tricorn watches

[wanderrlust0]

2/2

it ties into the female attention & peaking his interest even if its by the slightest. idk, like i said, this happened almost 3yrs ago when we were in a tough spot unfortunately and ive put it all behind me and weve been moving forward. i know how he feels about me & we would hate to ever lose each other. its just after hearing about this new news to me, i feel like it triggered my brain into thinking about how he can maybe feel things easily towards people. also, hes already apologized to me about the stuff in the past so i dont really feel any more of the frustrations that i felt bc at first he was not seeing my side of things and i was feeling so annoyed by that. luckily, thats all over now. i still get a little attentive when it comes to his classmates & any other girl i hear about bc then i start thinking, well is she pretty, does she like him, does he like her, how much do they talk, etc. which is just a normal girl thing..i think lol. im not totally insecure but it is easy to feel some type of way. so, i think i expressed everything i wanted to. i replied to the other guys msg and i honestly feel kinda bad for him but i hope they can work things out..

edit 7/29: not to add More things to this but.. i hung out with him today & i could tell that he felt terrible about himself for that happening & he felt like i was letting him off too easy. like, just not getting mad or lashing out i guess. im too shy to do that to him tho but i did say how i did think about it a lot & that you two were honestly stupid for doing that. also, how i did feel bad for her husband. i didnt say much more than that but if i did i just wouldve said like, you two knew it would ruin the friendship. even tho it didnt right away, look at it now. just bc you two couldnt put your sexual thoughts aside. but you know what, it just goes to show that it was always ever so slightly present since the beginning of the friendship. they both have had thoughts of fucking already & they finally caved. so he was given the chance to sleep with her & he took it bc 1, it benefited him and 2, hes been secretly wanting to do that. IM STILL NOT OVER THE WHOLE BREAK THING (kinda am) BUT I CANT DWELL ON IT. i just asgdjflk. like broT-T ..made me believe that we were just not gonna talk as much, yet still be friends. it was both of our first time trying out a break. he made me believe that wed be back together once things chilled out & we could hang out normally since it was covid year (honestly was torture & i was in one of my lowest moments). He made me be under the impression that he just needed some spaceeee. I didnt think it was to the point where he felt like he was single, ready to mingle!!! like dude didnt even wait that long to find a whatever rebound, then had the guts to cry to me about stuff i didnt understand at the time but then later found out it was over some other girl!!T-T posting a fricken poem on his story & telling me a lie. turning off his location. taking longer & longer to reply, then not replying for almost a day. But yeah sure, telling me we’d still talk during this time, just not as romantic. sending me snaps of his dealer writing a little “cute” ass note w a heart on it. whyy would your dealer even do that. like she obviouslyyy wouldnt do that for just anyone. posting on your story about something that had to do w him being available & wanting to date. until finally he starts talking to me like he used to bc oh yeah, he wants me back. meanwhile, i havent even thought of myself being single or looking to find a new romantic partner. idk, that all messed w my head soo much. AAND that stupid poem was hung up on his wall for literallyyy monthsD; i couldnt even loook at that wall while we were being intimate bc it turned me off so much & didnt have the guts to mention it. he finally replaced it w something i gave him & when i saw it i was like about time & i showed it to my friend. i got sidetracked but that was important to let out. back to his friend..me knowing that hes been cheated on & how much it has affected him, i would think that he wouldnt enable someone else to do it to their partner the way his ex did it to him?! that was another thing i wouldve told him. i guess i just didnt feel like hurting him more than he already felt about himself.. but to wrap it up, i think were done with it. he kept complimenting me all day. he feels like he should unfollow her off everything now. they honestly havent really talked in a long time & they havent been close like they used to be so its not like they talk. he just doesnt wanna be involved with her & her hubby at all after this. he said i should unfollow also. tbh, i sort of dont want to? is that weird.. i feel like i should be hating her more but i also dont feel enough hate to remove her from ig. idk..he also might ask her how her husband found out. idk its like a sticky situation bc i wouldnt describe my feelings as hurt towards everything. i felt shocked, but not completely surprised. i felt old feelings that i felt when i first found out he hooked up w people during our break & now there was more to uncover. i felt like my suspicions were proven.

#journal #mypost #continued in the comments

[only-a-shooting-star-blog]

Hi hello! Life update regarding fics!

I know it’s been awhile since I have updated by stories or posted new projects, so here is what’s been happening and why I haven’t written as much. I suffered some major health problems starting in November and am still on the road to recovery. This has impacted my physical and mental capacity to write. Know that I am on the mend and have a great team of specialist helping me navigate my chronic illness. With that being said below I’ll go through each project and give you guys a status update on when I expect to be posting again! :)

Freshly Mowed Grass and New Parchment- not going to lie, I am disappointed in myself

Res Ipsa Loquitur- I know. I know. You want the epilogues to this story. I also want the epilogues to this story. However, I did lose my Og beta TigerAndDaisy and because of that it’s been hard for me to continue. We didn’t have a falling out and are still good friends. She also has a lot going on in her life and needed to take a step back, which I can totally respect and am so proud of her for doing so. But just because there is no beta right now, doesn’t mean I gave up. My New Year’s resolution is to outline, write, and start posting the epilogues by March 2023. 🤗

Freshly Mowed Grass And New Parchment- Not gonna lie, I am disappointed in myself for not revisiting this story sooner. 😔I even had someone from Tiktok reach out and ask to help me plot out where I want the fic to go. I think we got some headway, but then life happened and I have at been able to sit down and properly go through this fic. BUT EVENTUALLY I will pick this story back up. Right now it is to remain on Hiatus until I can decide how the plot should fully unfold.

!New fic alert! But We Always Come Back Around - So, fun fact, I do write for other fandoms besides HP and Dramione. Starting January 13th, I’ll be posting my Miraculous Ladybug Big Bang fic, which features aged up characters, angst, fluff, smut, drama, and… why does Marinette disappear for five years only to return to Paris with a blond toddler? 😏

Reylo fic- Begin Again - I honestly don’t know where this fic stands at this point. I’ve tried reaching out to my co-author in the past but she’s got a lot going on and hasn’t really had time to sit down and write. I think I might have to accept this fic will never be finished. 🤷‍♀️

Companion fic in Narcissa’s perspective- Acta Non Verba - Once I finish RIL, I plan on going back through and finishing this one. It just requires a lot of review to make sure things from Narcissa’s POV add up to Draco’s reality. 😅If I finish and post the Epilogues by March 2023, then you can expect this to start posting end of May 2023.

Companion Fic- Omnia Vincit Amor - This is also a companion story to Res Ipsa Loquitur and will be Ron/Aurora’s love story. It’s going to take place a year after the battle of Hogwarts and will feature flashbacks. Expect this story to start posting August 2023. 🥰

Well, that’s all for now folks! Check back here and on Tiktok for when I post. Please subscribe so that you stay up to date when chapters go out.

#fanfic #update #ao3 update #miraculous lb #dramione #harry potter #author

[thatspiritualbabe]

Date or Wait: The Dilemma of Being in Separation with Your Twin Flame

Hey everyone! So it's been a bit since I last posted. Where do I begin? I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately. As always, I continue to see lots of signs from the Universe. He misses me, he's thinking about me, he loves me, we can't stay apart, he's coming back for good. All very promising things, some of which I've seen evidence of as he continues to watch all of my snap stories. But then it hit me: has it really been a year since all of the problems started with my twin flame?

There is a lot to unpack and eventually I plan to in a much lengthier article on my twin flame journey. In summary, I've dealt with getting the run around when it comes to making plans to see each other in person, opening up only to become avoidant, ghosting after talking everyday for 5 months, reuniting briefly only to be blindsided by a third party (who clearly he had no problem making plans with her--still kinda salty about that not gonna lie). I've had multiple separations and reunions--the latter of which did not live up to expectations. Through my work with spiritual coaches/psychics I've built up the reunion to be my twin flame telling me everything I wanna hear. I am so sorry, I fucked up, I made a huge mistake with her, I love you and you're the only one I want to be with. I expected to get the commitment I always wanted. Instead, the reunions to date have been him trying to be a part of my life without acknowledging what happened, no apology, no commitment, and repeatedly asking can we be friends?? can we be friends?? can we be friends?? I've set boundaries from the day I discovered the third party (3p): no. To my knowledge the last few times he reached out he's been a single man. But it is important to me that he acknowledges what he and I had before the 3p, that he takes accountability for his involvement with 3p, and works with me to find a way to move forward with me after the 3p. And I let him know that. I won't settle for less. It definitely is progress that he's no longer involved with her, and that he's been frantic over losing me (even though he hasn't yet offered the commitment). But until that day comes, we'll remain in separation.

So what's a woman to do? If you're reading this article, you're likely a chaser dealing with some twin flame pain yourself. You can't deny how drawn you are to your twin, even when apart. The runner feels it too, but because your twin is not as enlightened as you are they will behave in ways that don't make sense logically, and therefore difficult to comprehend. During my first separation after the ghosting incident is when I began to learn about twin flames. I always thought it would be a cut and dry straightforward one and done separation and reunion. So I held onto every sign. I turned away other guys who expressed interest in me because my twin flame is coming back. "Universe, if you're testing me I'm making it clear to you who I want!" Never ever would've expected to reunite only to be confronted with a 3p. Welp. The ghosting was a little over a year ago and the 3p was about 7 months ago.

The twin flame dynamic kinda forces you to tune out logic. If you haven't read my article on how logical societal influence can get to your head check out the link below!

How Societal Influence Makes it Difficult to Navigate a Twin Flame Journey

I'm a hopeless romantic, so of course I still want to believe that one day my twin flame and I will be reunited. I definitely think by dating someone else he can learn I'm the only one for him (though it really fucken hurts that it happened). But I can't deny while I'm waiting on that ultimate fairytale reunion, I'm putting my wants and needs on hold. I'm not in a relationship. I'm not going on dates. I'm not having sex. Would it really be the end of the world if I did those things with a man who's not my twin flame? Would I be happier if my wants and needs were being met now?

I recently was diagnosed with cancer, and although the type I have is treatable and I'm optimistic about my prognosis, it's impossible to hear the word cancer and not worry about your mortality, and all you still wish to accomplish. Suddenly you wonder will I ever be in a relationship again? Get married? Have children? and then maybe it doesn't make sense to put all of your eggs in one basket. Life is too short.

I've debated waiting for my twin and dating other men for quite sometime now and I come to a different conclusion every time. I can't tell you what to do; you know yourself best. But I've wanted to share my experiences to show you you're not alone on this journey. So today I tell you this: I still love my twin flame, and I still hope we'll reconnect in the way I want someday. I want to see everything the universe, spiritual coaches, and psychics said would happen unfold in real time. But, also another amazing man has messaged me, and I am learning to embrace male attention again after being hurt, go with the flow and see where it leads. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. :)

I'm rooting for you, beautiful souls!! If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read. I appreciate each and every single one of you who has supported me. If you made it this far, also please consider liking, following, and sharing. Even if I reach one person, I'm happy to be helping that one person and making a difference. <3

#twin flame #twin flame journey #twin flame reunion #twin flame separation #spiritual journey #universe #spirituality

[staroftheseablog]

There are so many things happening in my life lately. Some of them I still don’t’ understand because in one hand they feel so unreal to me, and in the other hand I feel really lucky and blessed that I achieved so many things. But…somehow I don’t feel satisfied with all of it.

I am 22 years old and there are so many things that I still want to do, feel, experience. For a year now I am working at the company I could only dream about when I was in high school. Now I am part of it and made it somehow my home - also my colleagues are just like my family. I’ve never in my life been less at home than this year. I have been to so many places and somehow I still found the time to work 12 hours shifts for whole year. Also, simultaneously I finished my 4th year of college successfully. Now, this October, I started my last year of masters.

Even all of this achievements, my mind is constantly messing with my nerves and make me question my entire existence, future, career, friendships.

I don’t know if somebody has noticed, but when you stared working on something you wanted your whole life, you ironically started also losing so many friends. There were so many moments this year when I felt lonely and sad, but again aware that this is, I guess, part of growing up. Yes, it did make me stronger, but sometimes I miss being just 18 year old student with no worries in this world.

At the beginning of the year I also had really tough times in my family. We faced death of our beloved family member who means the world to me and was/is/will be my forever guardian angel in Heaven. I miss him so much and I’ll always will. That experience taught me how to grief, but also how to be consistent with everything that was going on beside that tragic event. I survived, because I told myself I that had to.

At the beginning of next year I am about to start my whole new chapter in life called cultural exchange. I am moving to Spain for half of a year where I am going to study but also enjoy living in different country far away from home. I am excited, but also (not gonna lie) scared. That means that I am about to quit my job, pack my suitcases, left my friend, family and tell myself - “ you are on your own now”. Honestly, can’t wait. But, yes, it frightens me sometimes when I am thinking about it because this is one the hugest leaps of my comfort zone so far.

I also miss writing. I can’t even remember when was the last time I wrote something. I used to write songs, poems, essays. I feel like I used to be more creative back then than now. Also, I found myself being so lazy to read books. Maybe I wouldn’t call it lazy, but tired…or it was just a stupid excuse. Funny thing is that I actually bought a lot. New ones. Fresh ones. Expensive ones. They are still on the same shelf.

There is also one thing that bothers me since I started college. Actually this also bothers me in high school, but I didn’t care that much about that. I have terrible love life. When I say terrible I mean nonexistent love life. Yes, I would fall in this stupid kind of love with guys I met during summer or with someone that I would do my college project, but there would never be reverse reaction. I would just made it up in my head and used it for another one overthinking therapy before sleep. There was never a single person in my life who would really like me for who I am and who would see me as something more than a friend or a girl with her friends. I am really done with third wheeling because if I continue to do that, I feel like I would become a doctor or expert in field so I can write my master thesis on this topic. It is critical.

I really do need someone who is going to love me. I need a lover, a friend, someone who’s going to respect me, listen to me, hug me, someone who can be my emergency call when I couldn’t find strength to put my shit together.

Yes, I did pray and I know that God is working in my favor. That gives me hope and peace. I am not unhappy but I feel like I can be happier. Or at least I deserve to be.

Maybe I don’t, maybe that’s not the case. Maybe I have so many sins so I am obligate to wait until I eat myself alive. Maybe that is some kind of punishment. Maybe it isn’t right time yet. Maybe I am too desperate. Or I am too exaggerating.

I am confused. No one said that with 22 years old I have to know what I wanted to do with life, but sometimes I am really lost.

I want to do everything, but again I don’t have time to everything. I have to make sure that I am financially stable, because I don’t wanna take money from my parents. But…what if working just to stay alive takes from me the best years of my young student life?

It is hard to be young these days. Everyone would say they understand you, but the fact is that they actually don’t. I haven’t met a person who understands me better than myself. My mum is really close, but that woman on the other hand has super powers I wouldn’t never be able to understand properly. She is miracle maker. I want to be that for myself too.

I am sensitive, but I am also brave. Braver than before. Circumstances taught me so.

I know I can do whatever I put my mind to. There is 101% chance that I am going to survive every next battle that is about to face me. I already faced it before.

I am me and, besides everything that I have just said, that is the only thing I surely know no one can beat.

It is me against me.

And we love to cooperate.

10/10/2023

#ted talks #from me to me #honest conversation #life quotes #night thoughts #my thougts #overthinking

[savofid]

Something of a letter that'll never be sent, I suppose. Hell, even my friends don't even know my name here.

K, where do I even begin? Yeah, I knew you were a little bit crazy when we met. "Well adjusted" people don't vent about their marriage problems to a random gas station cashier, cry on their shoulder, and try to hold their hand. It doesn't matter how drunk one might be. The closest thing to that I've ever experienced was the night that I walked a girl back to her dorm and she kissed me as a thank you for getting her home safe. Yeah, I found you attractive, but the moral dilemma of even waiting to be with a married woman weighed heavily on me for weeks. Everything about you is my weakness, and I just fell into your trap.

I feel like you use men in a way. It's not intentional, I don't think. Is it some form of magic? Are you like me in that your very touch is addictive? Is it because I'm like you that I didn't lose my mind completely? Something about you screams afoul, and not in the directly insulting way. There's something about you that's very different, and all I feel is jealousy and fear that he's going to hurt the one I love. Part of me doesn't even care that I've been bewitched, but the rest of me doesn't want to be controlled in that way again. I want to be sure that it's entirely me.

Is it because I didn't completely lose myself to you that you've tossed me aside for someone weaker, someone more malleable? Can you not accept love unless it's been forced into the minds of your prey? I cannot get you out of my mind, and yet my entire being wants to forget you. I almost empathize with the ones that I so unknowingly did the same to, if this is the case.

I've had my fair share of breakups over the years, many of which were hard for me to endure, but I found myself able to move on in much less time. This isn't the case now. I used to, at least, be able to distract myself from the pain. This isn't the case now. Why can't I shake you from my mind?

With my first, I was naïve. It took me a long while to end things, and I even made the mistake of going back to her. Twice. However, I was able to move on literally that same day. With my second, it was simple: we realized that we didn't have any feelings for one another other than lust, so we both walked away. With my third, I ended things because of the way she treated me. I was supposed to marry my fourth, but she found someone else two days before I was gonna be home. My fifth nearly drove me to suicide, but I was back on my feet in, at most, two weeks. It felt like an eternity, though. With my sixth, I only ended things when I was certain that she wasn't going back to who she used to be. I knew my seventh was going to go back to the guy she was with before me. I'm not an idiot, and I told her what I knew.

And now we're here at my eighth. How am I worse than he is? It's not about comparisons this time. How terrible must I be that an abusive guy is better company than I am? Did I not make you feel safe? Feel loved? Feel provided for? Feel special? He won't give you those things, but you know that. You chose to let him back into your life. You begged him to come back. And what of me? I tell you goodbye and you just try to defend him?

I may love you, but I doubt you ever really loved me. I wasn't your rock, but a stepping stone towards something else. I wish I could hate you. I wish I could be angry with you, but I can't. I'm not worth defending, anyways.

I doubt that I'm wrong about him. I know his kind all too well. Any time that he even thinks you're seeing someone else, he's going to hurt you. It only ends in one of three ways: you get away, you end up battered, bruised, and stuck with him for the rest of your life, or you end up dead. All I can say is that I hope you get away safely, because I can't protect you anymore. You're making your bed and you can lie in it. You can face the consequences of your decisions, of your actions. I'm not here to make those for you. Next time he hurts you, don't call me. Don't get drunk and call me all sad and ask me for help. Don't call me for a friendly game of Mario Kart. Don't call me to walk your dog.

Don't call me. Let me forget that I had to walk away from another person I cared about just so their abuser wouldn't hurt them because of me. Gods know how much damage it's already done and how much more I have to face on my own.

Goodbye.

[allyouneedisbuck]

i’m begging for you (take my hand)

this fic has 18+ content! MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. this is for your safety and mine! please respect that. 

by continuing to read you are stating that you are over eighteen and understand this content is not meant for minors.

summary // bucky doesn’t do love, you love bucky. being friends with benefits makes sense, right? [bucky barnes x female!reader]

words // 19.0k (BUCKLE UP IT’S A LONG ONE)

warnings // modern!bucky, fwb! trope, brief love triangle (steve x reader x bucky), overall toxicity, cursing, daddy issues (bucky’s dad left), drinking, excessive use of nicknames (sweetheart/sweets/baby), oral sex (f! receiving), penetrative sex, unsafe sex (do not have unprotected sex!), spitting, thigh riding, bucky has a metal arm but it’s not explained why (it was a car accident & that is already known by reader)

notes // title from willow by taylor swift (this fic was originally titled heartbeat and inspired by childish gambino’s song of the same name) i just could not get modern bucky not knowing how to deal with feelings out of my head & it became this catastrophe [ive never written 18+ before so pls be gentle in your judgement of those scenes omg] happy reading! 

if you enjoy this, reblogs & replies are greatly appreciated (especially when pieces take this much work)

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

“To Bucky Barnes, my now forever lawyer.” You hold out your wine glass and he meets you halfway in a cheers. Bucky laughs brightly as you praise him. “And now my sugar daddy, since he makes an insane amount of money as senior associate.” 

The two of you are halfway through your second bottle of wine. “I’ve been a lawyer for four years. I’m just now becoming your go-to?” He holds a hand to his chest in faux hurt. 

You lean towards him as you laugh. “I needed to make sure you were a good lawyer. Get me off murder charges good.” It feels like the two of you have been scooting closer to each other all night. 

“Sweetheart, you know I’d be there to help you hide the body if you needed me to.” He leans towards you in a conspiratorial whisper. Your eyes move from his eyes to his lips before snapping back up. “Then get you off the charges.” He breathes out. 

You can feel his breath on your face. The scent of red wine hits your noise and you can see it staining his lips. You want to kiss him so desperately, but you just can’t make the first move. You don’t think you could handle that rejection. 

“I’m gonna kiss you.” He says quietly, his eyes scanning over your face for any sign of rejection. You swallow thickly before nodding. “Okay.” You whisper back before letting out a nervous giggle. 

Bucky’s hand comes up to rest against your cheek. Its coldness relieves some of the heat that’s risen to underneath your skin from his proximity and the wine you’ve consumed. 

Your eyes slide shut as he leans in. His nose nudging against yours before you feel his lips. You bring your hand up to rest on his chest. His lips are softer than you expected and taste like the wine they’re stained with. It’s everything you’ve dreamed of when dreaming of kissing Bucky. 

He pulls away and looks at you with half lidded eyes. “You’re so pretty.” He mumbles. You feel heat crawl up the back of your neck at the honesty in his tone. He presses a kiss against your jaw. Then your neck. Your head falls to the side to allow him better access. 

It’s easy to move into his lap when his hands grip at your hips. “Fuck.” Bucky moans as you grind down against him. You throw your head back in a moan as his lips trail down from your jaw to your neck. 

“Shit.” You say breathlessly as his hands run up and down your sides. Your hands drop down and begin to work on his jeans button and zipper. Bucky lets out a groan when they brush against his already hard dick. 

You stand from his lap and he pulls his jeans off while you move to unbutton your top. As you work on the shirt, Bucky’s hands reach out to undo your own jeans. When you’re standing in nothing but underwear in front of him, Bucky isn’t doing anything but staring. The heat in his eyes makes you feel flush and goes straight to your core. “Fuck. You’re gorgeous.” He says quietly.

You crawl back into his lip and Bucky’s hands find you again immediately. You rub against him and both of you moan at the slight relief it offers. Bucky’s hand drifts down between you two and he begins to rub over your clothed clit.

You grind down on his hand and let out a whine. “More. More. Please.” You whisper. Bucky laughs softly at you before slipping his hand into your underwear and running a finger over your slit. “Oh my god.” Your head falls to rest on his shoulder.

“That’s it. You look so good like this, sweetheart.” He murmurs into your hair. The praise makes you moan as you grind down against him again desperate for more.

You pull back to look at him, one of your hands tangled in the hair at the back of his head. In a breathless tone you say, “Fuck me.”

Bucky groans. “Oh shit.” His hips buck up against you. “Yeah. Okay.” He pushes you off of his lap gently and moves to pull his briefs off. You follow suit and pull your underwear off.

“Come here.” He groans as he pulls you back over his lap. You giggle as he presses a flurry of kisses across your chest. He holds a hand out in front of you, “Spit.” He orders.

You glance at him in shock before following the order. His eyes roll back as he watches you before he moves to use the spit to lube himself up. “Fuck me. Please.” You whisper to him as he teases your entrance.

“Don’t have to ask me twice.” Bucky slips into you and you both let out loud moans. “Fuck. Fuck. You feel so good.” His forehead rests against your chest as both of you relish in the feeling for a moment. After a few seconds of shaky breathing, you yank at his hair gently so he’s forced to look at you again. A smirk spreads across his face at the feeling and you smile down at him, “Gonna fuck me? Or are we just sit here?” You tease. 

Bucky’s hands grip your hips tightly and he steadies his feet on the ground. “Yeah, sweets. ‘M gonna fuck you.”

》•

Your eyes focus in on Wanda as she waves a hand in front of your face. You can feel your body grow hot at the memory of Bucky and you. “What’s on your mind? You’ve been zoning out all night.” She laughs softly.

“Bucky and I had sex last night.” You blurt out, unable to keep it to yourself any longer. You swallow tightly when Wanda’s eyes brighten in excitement before confusion takes over.

She watches your face, like she can tell something was wrong, and doesn’t move to do anything for a second. When she does speak, it’s hesitant. “You’ve liked him since we were in school. Is this good or bad?”

You frown. She was right, you had liked Bucky since he had come barreling into your life senior year of college with bright eyes, mischievous smiles and maybe too many issues to ever be in a real relationship. You had sat through his flings and tried to move on with you own, but every guy had ended up being jealous of Bucky or too boring compared to him.

“He doesn’t-” You suck in a deep breath. “He doesn’t want a relationship.” You say quietly. You take another sip of your wine when Wanda reaches over with pity filled eyes and grabs a hold of your hand.

She shakes her head like she doesn’t understand what you’ve just said to her. “What do... What do you mean?” 

You run your hands over your face in despair. “I don’t... We had like two bottles of wine and we hooked up.” You look up at her with tearful eyes. “When I woke up this morning, he went on about how he loved me and he didn’t want to hurt me.” 

Wanda’s watching you with wide eyes. “Start from the beginning. What did he say? Are you sure he said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship?” She’s shaking her head in disbelief. 

You take a deep breath before launching into the story. 

His bed is empty when you wake up. Your stomach sinks as you stare at his bedroom door left ajar. You can hear him in the kitchen talking, but you can’t quite make out what he’s saying. 

You take a deep breath before getting up. You had hoped he would sleep in with you. That cuddling in the morning would lead to confessions of hidden feelings. Your hopes diminished as you creeped down the hallway towards the kitchen. 

“No.” Bucky sounds anxious as he talks into the phone. “I’m telling you. I fucked up.” You step in the kitchen and he glances over his shoulder with wide eyes. “I’ve got to go. Bye.” He hangs up abruptly and turns to you with a tense smile. 

You give him a small smile in return. “Morning.” You tug at the hem of his t-shirt nervously as he stares at you. “We should-”

“I wanted to-” The two of you laugh awkwardly as you speak over one another. You hold your hand towards him. “You go first.” You move to sit at one of counter’s barstools. 

Bucky’s watching you with wary eyes and if his words to whoever was on that phone weren’t warning enough, this new demeanor around you certainly is. “You’re my best friend.” He comes to stand directly across from you. “And I care about you a lot. You’re one of the most important women in my life. I don’t want to ruin our relationship.” 

You nod slowly as he attempts to reject you kindly. If it weren’t so painful, you might laugh at how awkward he looks. “It’s not...” You trail off unsure of what to say. “Bucky, it’s not that serious. We’re fine.” You reach your hand across the counter palm up for him to take. 

His brows furrow. “You’re not mad at me?” He asks in confusion. “I thought-”

You shake your fingers and he smiles before holding your hand tightly in his. “It was consensual. With a guy I trust with my life. And it was great sex. I’m not mad at you.” You smile reassuringly. 

It’s not a lie. Not at all. Everything you said was true, you had just left out the part where you had been hoping for more. But you could get over this. A one time fling. You could survive it as long as you didn’t lose him. 

“You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that.” Bucky’s shoulders relax. The tension on his face transforms into a cocky smirk. “Great sex?” 

“That’s...” Wanda trails off as she digests your words. “Why didn’t you tell him how you feel?” She asks. 

You look at her with wide eyes. “What do you mean why didn’t I tell him? Should we start with me overhearing him telling someone how much he fucked up or his rejection for dummies speech?” You laugh sarcastically. 

Wanda gives you apologetic eyes. “How can you be sure he was talking to the person on the phone about you?” You scrunch your nose up at her and she sighs. “Okay, whatever. At least now you know he doesn’t want a relationship! You can move on and find someone with a bigger dick.” 

“Wanda!” You can’t help but laugh. You give her an appreciative smile before letting out a sigh.  “I don’t know... I guess I just always thought we’d end up together. It’s stupid.”

You trace your finger around the base of your wine glass. Wanda watches you for a moment before flagging down a waitress. She looks at you with a twinkle in her eye. “Can I get a round of tequila shots, please?” She asks. 

The waitress nods before walking away. “We’re going to get you drunk and make you forget all about Bucky Barnes.” 

You laugh softly. “Yes please.” 

》

Four glasses of wine and two rounds of shots leaves you struggling to get the key into your apartment door’s lock. 

“Fuck.” You mutter when you push too hard and the keys clatter against the floor. You sigh deeply before bending down to pick them. You lay one palm flat against your door in an attempt to steady your shaky feet as the other reaches for your keys. 

Then you’re falling forward and your shoulder hits the floor harshly. “Jesus, sweetheart. I thought you were some weirdo trying to break in.” You groan as you look up and see Bucky staring down at you with furrowed brows. 

He’s wearing nothing but sweatpants, his metal arm and abs on full display for you. You give him a dopey smile. “Hey, handsome.” 

He laughs loudly. It’s bright and contagious and makes you giggle as he bends down to lift you to your feet. “Missed you tonight.” He says softly as he wraps his arm around your waist.

You allow yourself to rest your bodyweight on him, knowing he’s strong enough to lead you to your room. His soft words leave you feeling like you’re floating. It’s like the night before had never happened. 

“Missed you too.” You whisper. Your words are slurred, not that you can change that, but you know he understands them. He presses a kiss to your head in response as he leads you down the hall and into a room. 

The room is spinning around you, but you know it’s Bucky’s from the blank walls and dark furniture. Bucky sits you down on the edge of his bed and your fingers immediately grip his comforter tightly. “Why’d you bring me here?” Your grip is the only thing that keeps you from falling backwards onto his bed. 

You try to focus your eyes on him, but he’s moving around the room too fast. From what you think is his dresser then his closet. “I’ve got to make sure you don’t choke on your own vomit tonight.” 

“‘M not gonna get sick.” You mumble as he comes to a stop in front of you. He holds out a pile of clothes to you. “I have my own clothes in my own room.” You stare up at him defiantly. 

You can see Bucky push his tongue against the inside of his cheek, a tell that he was getting a little annoyed. “C’mon sweets. Just put the clothes on and get in bed.” 

He’s still holding the clothes out in front of you. His earlier rejection running through your mind. “I’m not having sex with you tonight.” You blurt out. You would have never said the words sober, but you didn’t want him to think it would become a recurring thing. 

Bucky laughs awkwardly and drops the clothes on the bed beside you. “I’m not trying to have sex with you. I’m trying to take care of you and make sure you don’t die in your sleep.” 

Your eyes narrow, but you feel far too dizzy to actually get up and move to your room to prove a point. You lift your arms and look up at Bucky, “Help?” 

He smiles victoriously and reaches for the hem of your shirt. You can see his eyes trail over your bralette and feel your cheeks warm, but you blame that on the alcohol. 

“Do you want to sleep in this?” He whispers as his fingers trail over one of the straps. You shiver as one of his cold fingers presses into your skin and leaves goosebumps in its wake. 

You bite down on your lip, but nod your head. “I’ll be fine in it.” 

He nods and you raise your arms again as he slips one of his black t-shirts onto you. It’s soft and smells like him leaving you warm all over and suddenly tired. Your head falls so your chin is resting against your chest. 

Bucky kneels down in front of you. “Is it okay if I take your jeans off? So I can put sweatpants on you?” He moves his head so you’re forced to make eye contact with him as his hands come to rest on your stomach. He fiddles with your jean’s button, but doesn’t move to actually undo it yet. 

You nod softly before falling backwards onto the bed. Bucky’s hands move quickly as he unbuttons and unzips your jeans. There’s a sharp inhale once he gets your jeans off, but you ignore it.  

“Sweetheart.” You lift your hips when you feel his sweatpants get stuck underneath you. “Thank you.” He says quietly.  

“What did you do tonight?” You mumble as you move around his bed to crawl under the comforter. You wait until he’s situated beside you before pulling the blanket up to cover the bottom half of your face. 

He pulls the blanket down and holds out a wipe. “You complain when I let you fall asleep with the makeup.” 

Your eyes flicker to his in brief shock, unaware of how much he actually listened to you. “Than...Thank you.” You begin to wipe it across your face. It’s not your normal routine, but it was better than nothing. “Tell me about your night.” 

Bucky moves so he’s sitting against his headboard. “I just waited for you all night.” He shrugs. 

You drop the wipe onto the side table. “Shut up. What did you really do?” You shove gently at his shoulder. Bucky’s hand wraps around your wrist and he pulls you into him. 

He’s stronger when you’re sober, so your drunk body falls into his side easily and you wrap an arm around his waist. “I’m telling you the truth, sweets. I just waited all night for you.” He presses a kiss to your temple. 

You look up from his chest to find him looking down at you with soft eyes. He’s being kind and you’re sure all that he can think of is how happy he is that your friendship hasn’t been ruined. 

But all you can think about is how no matter how soft he is with you, he still doesn’t want to be with you. No matter how much he says he loves you and misses you, it’s not the sam way you mean it. It leaves a crack in your heart that you’re unsure will ever be healed. 

》•

She’s pretty. You think bitterly as you watch from across the room. 

Bucky’s firm had a party every few months for donors. Bucky hated them. He always complained that schmoozing wasn’t his specialty, law was, so you were usually dragged along as his plus one to “Keep me from dying of boredom, please.” 

You usually didn’t mind. Bucky flirted for money, you got to enjoy to open bar to cope with his non-existent feelings for you. Tonight felt even worse. 

You force yourself to look away and look back down at the drink in front of you. You’re glad Wanda isn’t there to look at you with the same pity filled eyes that you had been getting since revealing the details of your hook up, but you wish you had someone to turn to. 

“You look great in that dress.” Your head whips up at the familiar voice. Steve is smiling at you sweetly and you can tell he’s keeping his eyes respectfully on yours. “Definitely your color.” 

You laugh. You and Steve weren’t particularly close, he was a childhood friend and you were college. The two of you really only spent time together in groups or with Bucky there. “Thank you, Mr. Rogers.” You tease. 

“Please.” He throws his head back in an over dramatic groan. “Steve! So many people have called me Mr. Rogers tonight I’m going to fall into an identity crisis.” 

You give him an ill-suppressed smile. “Thank you, Steve.” He sits down in the barstool next to you and waves the bartender over. 

“Water for me and…” He glances at the empty glass in front of you, “another glass of wine for her?” His voice ends in a question and he smiles brightly when you nod. 

“I could be wrong, but aren’t you supposed to be flirting with rich women to fund your pro bono cases?” You run a finger around the base of your glass. 

Steve’s eyes trail from your manicured nails up to your teasing smile. He swallows and forces out a soft laugh. “I’m not too good at the flirting that’s uh-.” He looks over his shoulder before looking back at you with kind eyes. 

You ignore his insinuation. Ignore the idea of Bucky and Steve feeling pity for you over Bucky. “Everyone deserves a break.” 

The man in front of you gives you a relieved smile. “And what better way to take a break than talk to a pretty girl?” 

You smile sweetly. “You could get 100k easily with that charm.” Steve throws his head back in a laugh and his arm lands on the back of your seat when he leans back in. 

You find yourself leaning in too. He’s got a nice laugh and sweet personality. You can feel the warmth radiating off of him and it’s relaxing. 

For a moment, Bucky is forgotten as Steve gives you all his attention, the first person to do so all night.

》•

Bucky stops to stand next to Sam as he takes a sip of his drink. His eyes scan over the party in search of you. 

“Good for Steve.” Sam says into his glass before taking a sip of his drink. Bucky’s eyes cut to him in question. Sam nods in front of him and Bucky’s eyes settle on you at the bar. With Steve. 

“What do you mean good for Steve?” Bucky asks. He can’t take his eyes off of you as Steve slides a glass of wine towards you. 

Sam shrugs nonchalantly. “He’s had a crush on her since that Halloween party last year.” 

Bucky’s mind drifts to you in your skin tight superhero costume. He wasn’t blind, he had seen the guys who had come up to you and their eyes that had trailed after you. 

“He hasn’t said anything to me.” He feels a surge of pride at the fact that he can’t explain when he thinks of how at the end of the night, you had come home alone with him, content to sit on the couch and watch horror movies. “He’s not her type.” He adds on after a moment of silence. 

Bucky isn’t too confident in his words though. Steve seemed to be the perfect kind of guy for you. Kind, funny, made good money, and was always the guy who listened with open ears. Bucky just couldn’t fathom you with anybody that… He doesn’t know, but he knows Steve doesn’t feel right.

Sam snorts. “Yeah. Try telling you about wanting to take her out? He’d rather live.” Bucky watches as Steve leans in closer to whisper something into your ear. 

He feels rage surge through him, but forces himself to stay in his spot. “Not like we’re dating. He could have told me if he wanted to. Or made a move.” He wasn’t sure why he felt so angry about you and Steve. It wasn’t like you two were dating, he hadn’t lied to Sam.

Sam looks at Bucky like he’s grown two heads. “Come on, Buck. Not dating? You call her all these nicknames, never let other people flirt with her, always take her home.” 

“We live together.” Bucky defends weakly. His mind drifts to kissing you while wine drunk. He shakes his head. “Of course I take her home.” 

Sam looks a little bemused as he asks, “Are you two seriously not dating?” 

“Of course not! She’s my best friend.” He glances at Sam before looking back over at Steve. You’re leaning in too. It’s not like he was lying, the two of you weren’t dating. But he had brought you as his date tonight and he’ll be damned if Steve weasels his way into your heart. 

“I was just cur-“ Bucky shoves his empty glass into Sam’s hand before beginning to make his way through the crowd towards you. 

He can vaguely hear Sam shout a goodbye, but all he can focus on is getting your attention onto him and off of Steve. 

》

You feel him before you see him. His hand trailing up your back before landing on the spot where your neck meets your shoulder. His grip isn’t tight, but it makes you shiver. 

“What’s going on here?” His voice is a possessive drawl and you look up at him with a confused smile. 

You sit up straighter and Steve immediately pulls away. His blue eyes follow Bucky’s arm to his face and they narrow. “Just keeping her company. Noticed you were busy, so…” Steve trails off with a shrug.

Bucky’s grip on you tightens. “Well, I’m here now. You can go back to schmoozing.” He nods his head in the direction of the party, but Steve doesn’t budge. 

You’re extremely confused by Bucky’s sudden possessiveness over your attention and turn to him with an annoyed glare. “Actually, Steve was telling me about how that’s your specialty. He’s far too sweet to mindlessly flirt. ” 

You feel Steve’s shocked gaze on you, because he had definitely not said that, but you don’t look away from Bucky. His glare melts into a sickly sweet smile as he turns to look at his childhood friend. “That so?” 

Part of you feels bad for pushing Steve into the middle of whatever this tension was between you and Bucky. But you can’t ignore the pleasure that rushes through you as Bucky’s grip tightens and his attention focuses solely on you for the first time all night. 

Steve looks back and forth between you two before he stands from his seat. “It was nice seeing you.” He leans down and presses a kiss to your cheek before slapping a hand against Bucky’s back. “See you later, punk.”

You swallow as Bucky moves to take Steve’s now unoccupied seat. He orders a drink and you can only watch in shock as moves around so casually. When he finally looks back at you he just looks confused by your silence. 

“What’s up?” He asks with a smile. 

You roll your eyes at him. “What was that?” You gesture in the direction Steve had gone before looking at him with wide eyes. 

Bucky looks down at his drink and shrugs. “Didn’t want anyone bothering you.” 

“Anyone bothering me? That was Steve!” You laugh incredulously. “I know Steve. You know Steve. He was keeping me company.” You can’t wrap your head around his random behavior. 

Bucky shakes his head like you’re the one who’s being confusing and acting weird. “You just looked a little uncomfortable. I came to your rescue.” He gulps down the rest of his drink. 

“My rescue?” You shake your head at him. “Buck, it was Steve. Steve Rogers is one of the most polite men in New York.” 

Bucky shakes his head. “He likes you. Sam said he was definitely trying to make a move on you.” He immediately feels bad for blurting out Steve’s secret, but he just can’t let it go. 

You scrunch your face up in confusion before letting out a breath. “That’s not your secret to tell.” You grab your clutch and stand up quickly. “Why would that even matter anyways?” You look down at him now, he’s still sitting on the barstool. He won’t look up at you.

“Can we just go home?” He asks quietly as he taps his fingers against the bar counter. You bite down on your lip before finally nodding. “Fine.” He lets out a sigh before standing to follow you. 

You’re shocked when you feel his fingers slip in between yours as the two of you walk towards the elevators. Holding hands with Bucky wasn’t new, per say, you’d done it at bars to get out of creepy guys flirting with you, amusement parks so as to not lose one another, but this… This felt different, softer and more insecure. 

You swallow before squeezing his hand in return. You hear the relieved breath he lets out as the two of you stop in front of the closed elevator doors. 

He whispers your name with a tug of your hand. You turn to look at him as the two of you step into the empty elevator. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean to screw things up with Steve. I just… I don’t know.” 

Your heart breaks a little. You weren’t sure what you expected. Maybe an admission of jealousy, that Bucky realized he didn't want you with Steve or any other guy, he wanted you with him. But the words never came and you feel stupid for letting your hopes get the best of you.

You shrug. “It’s fine, Buck.” The elevator is slow in its descent. You almost groan when you see how high you are and the fifteen floors left to go down. “I don’t like Steve… I just… It was nice to have some company. You were busy all night.” 

You try to hide the emotion in your voice, but Bucky can hear it. He can see it too, written on your face as you try to keep your eyes on the descending numbers. 

Your words cause a wave of relief to crash over him. You didn’t like Steve. You didn’t like Steve. He felt bad for his friend, but not bad enough to stop his next move.

He tugs at your hand again. The elevator is almost all the way down if you could just ignore him for a few more seconds-

His lips are on yours before you even have a chance to think about why he’s pulling you towards him. You’re still with shock, your hands clasped between you two, as Bucky kisses you. 

You don’t kiss back, too stunned to. Bucky pulls back when the elevator finally dings and you try to rush out only to be stopped when you realize you’re still attached to Bucky’s hand. 

“What the fuck was that?” You hiss. “You can’t just… Just flip out about Steve flirting, tell me you’re not jealous and then kiss me!” You yell.

Bucky swallows thickly and glances around the empty lobby. “I… It…”

You stare at him with lifted brows waiting for an explanation. “You need to figure your shit out, Buck. I said I was fine if you wanted it to be a one time thing but I’m not here for you to yank around.” 

“I’m not trying to yank you around!” Bucky defends. “I just… What if it wasn’t just a one time thing?” He asks quietly, his voice almost a whisper. 

You want to cry. “Wh...What?” You ask with a shake of your head. 

“I feel like such a dick.” He admits taking a hesitant step closer to you. When you don’t move away, he places a hand on your cheek. “Stuff with work has been so stressful lately and… and I never have the time or energy to do anything. The other night, with you, was the most relaxed I’ve been in a while.” 

“What are you saying?” 

“I’ve been thinking of us helping each other out.” 

“Like a friends with benefits thing?” You blurt out when you realize where he was going with this. 

He nods. “I just… Got to thinking after you left that morning. It was great sex, best I’ve had in a while.” You swallow and your eyes dart away a little embarrassed. “And I know you and don’t have to worry about you giving me some disease. We live together and we wouldn’t have to go out or wait for some random hook up.” 

You can’t really wrap your head around his words. “But you don’t want… You don’t want to have a relationship?” 

“You know me.” He laughs tensely. “Not a relationship guy. I love you, you’re my best friend, but-“

“That’s good.” Your blurt, already regretting the words. “I mean, I love you, you’re my best friend too, you know? Neither of us really have time for one anyways and… Life is stressful.” 

“You… You want to? Do the benefits thing?” Bucky looks like he can’t believe that you’re agreeing. Quite honestly, you can’t really believe the words coming out of your mouth either. 

Because you liked Bucky. You had for so long now it felt like it was a piece of you. You were sure you loved him. You were sure he didn’t feel the same way and this… This was a way to be with him, no matter how fucked up it may be. 

And life was stressful. A full time job with New York City rent and bills. You hated going out. You hate hook ups, they always left you disgruntled and disappointed. Bucky had… Bucky had been good. The best, probably. And it would be nice to have someone other than yourself every once in a while. 

“Yeah.” You whisper. “I… I want to. I’m kind of sick of my hand.” 

Bucky snorts then laughs and it immediately calms you down. He was still your Bucky. Just with the added bonus of sex. “Me too, sweets.” 

He presses a kiss to your forehead and pulls you into a hug. You suck in a deep breath. “I think you said something about going home.” You mumble into his suit jacket. 

“Yeah.” He whispers back, tilting your chin up to look up. He smirks down at you. “I did.” 

》

“Fuck. Fuck.” You moan as Bucky kisses down your chest. “Please, Buck.” You whimper when his right hand comes up and begins to play with your nipple. 

He doesn’t respond, his tongue flicking over your other nipple. You’re arching your back into him, it feels good, but you want more. His left hand is settled on your hip and you want it on you in a different way. 

You groan when he pulls away to look at you. “What do you want, sweetheart? You gotta tell me or I won’t be able to give it to you.” His tone is sweet, but he’s looking at you with blown pupils and a cocky smile. 

“Your fingers, Buck, please.” You try to lift your hips up a little, but his left hand keeps you pressed against his mattress. You look at him pleadingly when he still doesn’t move. “Please, James.” You murmur. 

You didn’t call him by his first name often, he had introduced himself as Bucky and you hadn’t even learned it until a few months later. Sometimes you pulled it out to tease him, but tonight… You wanted to see if it would push him. 

“Fuck.” He mutters, leaning over you and beginning to press a line of kisses down your stomach all the way to your pelvic bone. “Fuck, that’s hot. Say it again.” 

You throw your head back in a moan when his hand begins to rub you through your panties. “James. I need you to-“ 

“Gonna give you more than my fingers, sweets.” He hooks fingers in the waistband of your panties and yanks them down. “Finally gonna get a taste of you, if that’s okay.” He glances at you and you nod hastily.

“God. Yes, please.” Your eyes flutter shut as his hands force your thighs open. His grip on you is tight and harsh and makes your entire body tingle. 

“So pretty.” He murmurs just watching you. If you weren’t so turned on you would be embarrassed by his stare, but his words just make you even more desperate for him. He settles on his stomach, head between your thighs. He begins to bite and kiss his way up your inner thigh. “Been thinking about this since you let me fuck you, sweetheart.” He admits in a murmur before finally putting his mouth on you. “Thinking about how you taste.”

“Oh shit.” You moan, a combination of the pleasure of his tongue and his words giving you butterflies. “Yes. Fuck.” 

“Knew you’d taste good.” He moans, the words go straight to your core and he knows it. He knows what he’s doing. His hands gripping at your hips tightly, thumbs rubbing calming circles into your skin. He flicks his tongue over your sensitive spot and your back arches. “So good.” You murmur breathily. Your hands are clutching the bed sheets as you try to grind your hips up. 

Bucky pulls one hand away, it gives you a little more freedom to move but not much, and begins to tease you with a finger. 

“Yes. Please, your fingers.” You beg him. Bucky chuckles against you, sending hot breath and a small vibration straight to your core. It feels good, he’s good. 

He pulls away slightly and you whine. “Come on, sweets.” He urges, pushing his finger into you. You moan at the feeling. “What happened to calling me James? Said I liked it.” He adds another, your slick heat allowing them easily.

“James.” You look down at him with blown pupils. Bucky almost comes right there, his fingers inside of you, your chest heaving and you looking at him like that. “James. Please. Want your mouth on me again.” 

Now that you’ve started saying his name, it’s like you can’t stop. The name tumbles out of your mouth like a prayer. He rewards you for it though, his mouth is back on you, licking over you steadily, and you can feel the tension in your stomach the closer and closer you get. 

“So good.” Bucky murmurs into your skin. You moan out again. “Gonna come for me, sweetheart?” He pulls away to ask, his breath fanning across your skin. Your hips buck up towards him in desperation and Bucky groans. “Come on, sweets. Can you come for me? Please.” 

He curves his fingers and flicks his tongue over your already sensitive bud again and your back arches. “Fuck. Fuck.” You moan as your orgasm washes over you. Bucky works you through it and your legs are shaking by the time he pulls his mouth away to smile cheekily at you. 

“I like it when you call me James.” He whispers as he crawls up towards you. You roll you eyes with a tired smile. He fingers trace circles over you stomach. “You tired?”

You nod your head. Your eyes trail over his body, his hard dick making an obvious tent in his briefs. You smirk at him, your hand moving to trail down from his stomach to his dick. Bucky moans as your hand grips him. 

“Still want you to fuck me though.”

》•

Bucky thinks maybe the two of you should establish some ground rules. No dates, if you sleep with somebody else let the other know, use protection, don’t fall asleep together. 

But he can’t imagine the two of you not having your regular Sunday breakfasts together after his runs or forcing you out of his room when the two of you had shared beds long before this ever happened. 

So, he ignores it. He decides to enjoy your warmth in his bed and assumes you’re not seeing anybody else. It’s good. It works, even if his friends think he’s being an idiot. 

Steve is on one side while Sam is on his other and they’ve both been standing in silence now that Bucky has finished explaining what happened when the two of you left the party.

He feels bad when he sees Sam’s eyes flicker to Steve in confusion, but Steve’s face holds more pity than annoyance. It makes Bucky feel uncomfortable in his spot as he takes a sip of water.

“I don’t understand why you’re not calling her your girlfriend.” Steve finally says. 

Bucky rolls his shoulders with an annoyed sigh. “I just said. We’re both busy with work and friends, there’s no time for relationships. This works for the both of us. We don’t have to rely on shitty hookups and we trust each other.” 

Steve gives Bucky a look that screams you’re an idiot while Sam just laughs loudly. “You have to know how ridiculous that sounds, dude.” Sam slaps a hand against Bucky’s back. “You guys live together. You have all the time in the world to actually date each other. I thought you guys were dating each other with how you act. you’re having sex now and you still won’t call her your girlfriend?” He asks incredulously. 

“I...I don’t want a relationship. It leads to marriage and kids and fights.” Bucky shudders. “No thanks. This way I get great sex and my best friend.”

Steve sighs heavily. “She deserves better than that, Buck. You know that.” His voice is full of disappointment. The same tone Bucky has been getting for years when it came to his relationships. 

“Like you?” His tone is defensive and his words are meaner than they should be. Bucky knows all Steve wants is for his friends to be happy. “She’s a grown woman. She can decide who she wants to have sex with.” 

“Come on, Buck. You’re not an idiot. She’s had a crush on you for years.” Steve lets out an exasperated sigh. “This is a great way to drive her away and lose her for good.” 

“I’m not-”

“All,” Steve raises his voice to cut Bucky off, “I’m saying is she’ll figure out this isn’t what she wants and find someone who can give it to her. Then you’ll be left in the dust realizing what an idiot you were for letting your irrational fears talk you out of being with her.”

Bucky runs his tongue over his lips. “Who? Are you gonna steal her?” 

Steve rolls his eyes. “Will it be stealing when you’re the one who drives her away?”

》

His bed is empty when you wake up, but that’s no surprise, you knew Bucky ran Sunday mornings with the guys. You almost expect to feel more shame or pain over falling into this friends with benefits thing. But, you feel okay. Bucky was still your best friend. Just with mind-blowing sex. He didn’t kick you out at night and didn’t seem put off by you. 

Your phone vibrates somewhere in his room from the inside of your clutch. You groan and finally move to sit up. Bucky has picked your things up and folded everything into a neat pile on the top of his dresser. Your clutch is sitting on the top of the pile and you can see the vibrations of your phone shaking it slightly. 

You pick his shirt up from the floor and slide it on before reaching for your underwear underneath the clutch. 

When you pull your phone out you see a few missed calls from Wanda, one last night the one you’ve just missed. You crawl into Bucky’s bed again and call her back. 

“Hey!” You smile at Wanda’s voice. “I called you last night, but I forgot you had that lawyer thing.” You can imagine her nose scrunching up in disgust at the idea. 

You mess with a loose thread on the comforter. “Yeah. Buck dragged me along.” There’s silence on the other end. You sigh heavily. “Shit. Wanda. You’ll never guess what I did last night.” 

Your eyes take in the room. Bucky doesn’t have many decorations or knick knacks, but he has a couple pictures sitting on his nightstand. You move to his side of the bed and pick one of them up. 

“You go home together?” Wanda doesn’t need to guess, there’s a twinge of disappointment in her voice but all you can focus on is the sadness you hear. Like she’s just hurting for you at this point. 

You stare down at the photo in your hand. It’s from Bucky’s last birthday. “We live together.” You defect. The photo is the two of you sitting at your kitchen counter with two glasses of wine in front of you. The wine is red and you can faintly see it staining both of your lips. His arm is wrapped loosely around your waist and you’re pressing a kiss his cheek. The photo makes your heart ache. “You sleep in your room?” Wanda laughs. You drop the photo on the bed in front of you. “You’ve gotta tell him. Tell him how you feel, really.” She urges you. 

You’re shaking your head even though she can’t see you. “It’ll ruin everything.” You say quietly. Losing him would be worse than loving him like this. “We... We agreed on a benefits thing last night. I think it can work.” 

“That’s a great way to get hurt.” Wanda says. You glance at the other picture he has sitting on his nightstand. 

It’s a photo of him and Steve. The two of them are children standing with hands wrapped tightly around the straps of their backpacks and they’ve got bright smiles on their faces. You smile at the sight, both boys happy, carefree and full of life.

Bucky’s left arm is still flesh in the photograph. He doesn’t talk about the accident much, he had come out with one arm and a completely changed person. Sometimes you wonder if things would be different if it had never happened.

You hear the front door slam shut. “I’ve gotta go! I’ll talk to you later.” You hang up before Wanda can say anything else. You leave the picture frame sitting in the bed, moving quickly from Bucky’s room to your own. 

》•

Bucky’s bedroom door is open when he gets home, but you’re nowhere to be found. Your clothes still sit on his dresser and there’s a picture frame partially covered by his comforter that makes Bucky pause.

It’s his favorite picture of you two, wine stained lips and happiness radiating off of you. He wonders what had made you grab it and what had made you drop it. Steve’s words come to mind she’s had a crush on you for years. 

Bucky wasn’t an idiot. He had seen the nervous smiles and bright eyes in college, he had done everything he could to stay just friends with you and it had seemed to work. You had moved on. Boyfriends and flings had come and gone, your eyes had shifted into a caring stare and you stopped nervously fidgeting with your hands around him, so Bucky had assumed your crush went away. Even now there was nothing that really stood out as you liking him. It sounded like Steve was making assumptions to mess with Bucky’s head. And it was working.

He stares at the picture for another moment before placing it back on his nightstand. Bucky wasn’t afraid of relationships, Steve was wrong, he just hated how they ended. He wasn’t afraid of holding hands or expensive dates, he was afraid of the unavoidable hurt and falling out of love that would cause him to lose you.

He couldn’t lose you.

“Bucky?” Your voice jolts him from his thoughts and his head turns from the photo to you, standing in his doorway in nothing but his t-shirt and a pair shorts. “What should we order for lunch?”

Bucky lets out a deep breath before smiling up at you. “We should get some wraps from that cafe down the block.”

“That sounds good.” You smile. Your eyes move over him and Bucky has to look away. You’ve always been good at studying him and knowing if something was up. “Everything okay?”

Bucky shakes his head. “I’m just thinking.” He offers a tense smile that makes you step further into his room. Bucky’s eyes move from your bare feet up your legs to your face that’s watching him with concerned eyes.

“That can’t be good.” You tease as you take a seat next to him. You rest your head against his shoulder and Bucky feels a little calmer with you next to him. “What’s got you spacing out like that, Buck?” You ask gently.

“You’re not…” Bucky swallows thickly and looks down at his lap. “You’re not gonna leave me, right? This isn’t gonna fuck us up?”

He feels you tense against his side and begins to panic until your hand intwines with his. “Not if we promise not to let it fuck us up. You’re my best friend, Buck. I don’t wanna lose you either.”

“I promise.” Bucky squeezes your hand. “Do you?”

You squeeze his hand in return, but don’t say anything. Bucky takes the action as promise enough.

》•

Days turn into weeks which turn into months and suddenly it’s November, fall in New York becoming winter much sooner than expected. The cold bites at your cheeks and seeps into your bones. Bucky becomes your warmth despite the constant ache in your heart at what you really are to him. 

Bucky comes into your room or you sneak into his. You ignore the looks from your friends when you all go out and don’t heed to any of Wanda’s advice.

The lines are blurred to you, because it feels like you’re in a relationship. It’s almost like you’ve fallen into one naturally. It’s not just secret sex in the middle of the night. It’s all your normal things, reading together on Sundays and watching your favorite show together Saturday nights. Only now it’s started to include footsie and make-out sessions.

There are some nights the two of you go out, whether it to be to dinner or to see a new movie, and they feel like dates. Bucky never lets you pay and holds your hand in the theater.

You almost want to ask him Why. Why aren’t we official? Why can’t you call me your girlfriend? But you’re far too afraid. For every small gesture that feels like love, there are nights out with your friends where Bucky ignores your existence or awkward introductions to coworkers you run into at the movie theater. 

Life moves on though. Day by day. Even if feels like you’re on a train moving full steam ahead towards a wall and impact is inevitable. 

It’s nice to have a taste of what it could be like to have him. 

》•

It blows up on a Thursday night, at eight thirty-two pm, to be exact. 

Bucky didn’t feel like cooking, he was relieved when you had suggested going out to grab dinner, but now he just wishes the two of you had stayed home.

There’s a tense and awkward silence as the two of you walk home. You’re about ten feet in front of him and not talking at all, it honestly looks more like he’s some creep following you home at this point. If he weren’t so upset he would probably laugh at the scene. 

If Bucky had just kept his mouth shut.

“Oh my god.” You groan, slouching down in your seat and covering your face with your hands. “Fuck.”

Bucky looks between you and the entrance of the restaurant confused by your sudden annoyance. “What’s wrong?” He asks leaning towards you.

“I went to high school with that girl.” You whisper. “We were friends until I stole her boyfriend.” You roll your eyes.

Bucky chokes on his drink mid-sip. “You stole her boyfriend? Right on! I didn’t know you had that in you.” He laughs, completely shocked by the idea of a you in high school who steals guys when all he’s ever known is the sweet, loyal girl.

“I didn’t actually steal her boyfriend!” You hiss. Bucky notices the girl do a double take when her eyes catch on you. “He broke up with her and asked me to prom two weeks later so she assumed I stole him. She hated me and made the last few months of senior year absolute shit for me.” You explain slipping further into your seat before taking a heavy sip of wine.

“Incoming.” He chuckles as she makes a beeline for your table. You sit up ramrod straight when her hand lands on your shoulder and your name comes out in a fake giggle.

“Eliza.” Your smile is equally as fake as you stand up to offer her a quick hug. “How are you?” Bucky watches with amused eyes as Eliza launches into a story about her boyfriend, who’s watching the scene with bored eyes from across the restaurant.

He smiles awkwardly when the two of you turn to face him. “This is my boyfriend, Bucky.” You smile tightly at the woman and Bucky watches uncomfortably as she trails her eyes over him. “Really?” Eliza asks.

“Just friends, actually.” Bucky can’t stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth with an awkward laugh.

Your eyes narrow at him before they flicker away. Bucky watches in what feels like slow motion as your shoulders hunch in and you close yourself off, absolutely embarrassed as Eliza turns to you with a proud smirk. “Is that right?” Her tone is nasty and Bucky is filled with regret immediately, but there’s nothing he can do because you’re grabbing your purse and jacket and storming away.

Eliza smiles at him. “She’s always been one for the dramatics.” Bucky shakes his head as he pulls out some bills and leaves them on the table, moving the chase after you. “Thanks.” He says to the woman sarcastically as he pushes past her.

That had lead him here, trailing after you silently, as you fume from a distance. “Sweetheart, come on.” Bucky pleads. The words make you freeze and spin around to face him. 

Bucky stumbles backwards as you walk towards him with fury in your eyes and your finger pointed at him accusingly. “Don’t call me that.” 

“I’ve always called you sweetheart,” Bucky frowns. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I just-”

“You didn’t embarrass me, James.” Bucky flinches as you spit out his first name like it’s poison. “You humiliated me. Was it really that big a deal? That I introduced you as my boyfriend? Does the idea of dating me disgust you that much?” 

Bucky throws his hands out in front of him in a defensive gesture. “No! I just... We’re not dating. You know that!” He shakes his head. “I mean, dating you doesn’t disgust me... I just... You know?” 

You raise your eyebrows at him. “No. I don’t know.” You say coldly. “It’s not like we’re not dating. You have to see that.” 

“See what?” Bucky asks, completely exasperated. “We do everything we used to do and sometimes have sex.” 

“Oh my god!” Your laugh sounds manic as you pause and look up at the sky like you’re searching for an answer. “Have you ever thought that maybe we weren’t ever just friends, Bucky? That we didn’t act like normal best friends do?” You cross your arms and look back at him. 

Yes. Bucky thinks immediately. “No!” He swallows. “I’ve always seen you as my best friend! Never... Never...” He’s dug himself a deeper and deeper hole every time he’s opened his mouth, but this is the nail in his coffin. He says your name gently, but you’re already backing away, hurt all over your face. 

“I guess I read everything wrong then.” You say quietly. “These stupid dates and us falling asleep together at night. All the holding hands and cuddling, right?” Your voice is filled with wet emotion and Bucky is sure if it wasn’t so dark outside he would see tears brimming your eyes. “You do that with all your friends. I mean nothing.”

“That’s not what I said!” Bucky exclaims. “You know you’re one of the most important women in my life. Please. Don’t do this.” He pleads. 

“I’m done. Okay? This stupid benefits thing? These friend dates, Sunday mornings together, movies? Done with all of it.” You hiss. You suck in a deep breath, like you’re preparing to deliver the final blow. Bucky braces himself. “You wanna be just friends? I’ll do you one better, we can be just roommates. That way there’s no confusion.”

Bucky can only stand still, watching as you walk away. 

》

Wanda has a kind enough heart to not say I told you so, when you show on her doorstep with mascara running down your cheeks. She just pulls you inside by your arm and wraps her softest blanket around your shoulders. 

“What happened?” She places a cup of tea on her coffee table in front of you. You can vaguely hear Vision trying to move around in the kitchen as quietly as possible. There’s an unspoken question that lingers in the air. What did Bucky do?

You sniffle. “We ran into Eliza tonight.” Wanda’s eyes widen and you nod. “I… I introduced Bucky as my boyfriend. It just slipped out, but he totally panicked and corrected me right to her face. I was so humiliated, I bolted.”

Wanda takes the seat beside you on the couch. “That’s awful. I can’t believe that idiot,” she hisses the word, “couldn’t put aside his dumb fears for five seconds and just have your back.”

You rub your eyes harshly. “That’s not the worst part of the night. I think the worst part was when he reiterated we were just friends and that he’s never seen me as anything more than that.” 

Wanda’s mouth drops open in shock and you can even hear Vision murmur something along the lines of oh shit in the kitchen. 

“Good way to get hurt, huh?” You reiterate Wanda’s words from weeks ago and her face falls into a look a pity. “I’m so stupid. Why did I even agree to doing benefits with him?”

“We all do dumb things when we love someone.” She says soothingly as she rubs her hand across your back. “I know this hurts, but look at the silver lining. Now you can move on, for real. Bucky’s made his intentions clear and you can find someone better.” 

You look at her sadly. “What if there isn’t someone better?” You almost choke on your own breath as you talk through your tears. “What if no one makes me feel that way?”

Wanda shakes her head and reaches up to grip your chin between her fingertips. It forces you to look into her blazing eyes. “Bucky’s nothing more than a man with commitment issues. We’re in New York City, there are millions of them. And for every Bucky, there’s a…a…”

“Vision.” You offer up with a teasing smile. Wanda blushes, but nods. “There’s a Vision. And yours is out there, he was just waiting for Bucky to fuck up.” 

You let out a choke laugh. “Yeah…” You trail off. “Can I crash here? I don’t think I can-“

“-Of course.” Wanda cuts you off. “For as long as you need.”

》

Bucky doesn’t even want to go inside. He just stands outside his apartment door staring blankly at the lock. It doesn’t feel like home without you there. 

You haven’t been home in three days and if it weren’t for your instagram stories with Wanda and Vision, Bucky would think you were dead.

You haven’t reached out at all, he isn’t sure if you had come by the apartment to grab personal things and when he had asked the guys if they had heard from you, Steve had just given him an I told you this would happen lecture. 

Bucky feels like a fucking idiot. Bucky is a fucking idiot. He shoves his key into the lock with a sigh. 

“Bucky?” A voice calls out. It makes him freeze in the doorway. It’s your voice. He’s sure it is. Nobody else had a key to the apartment. You pop out of the kitchen with a smile. “It is you!”

Your demeanor has done a complete flip. There’s no harsh stare or fiery eyes, just smiles. It leaves his head spinning. For the past three days he’s been trying to figure out how to make things better and you’re…fine? 

“He…hey.” He pushes the word out. “Um. What are you doing here?” 

Your brows furrow. “I live here?” You laugh softly before turning back into the kitchen. Bucky follows you dumbly, completely awestruck by your sudden reappearance. 

“I thought… I thought you were mad at me?” He asks hesitantly. 

“I was. Now I’m not.” You shrug. You move around the kitchen easily, putting groceries away that Bucky hadn’t even noticed with his entire focus on you. 

He moves towards you. “Sweetheart-“

You interrupt him with your name and suddenly the fire is back in your eyes. Oh. This isn’t Bucky’s best friend coming back into his life. 

It’s his roommate coming back home. 

Just like you had promised. 

》•

Bucky tries to catch you some days. He’ll tilt his head in an attempt to force your eyes to meet his while you talk about nothing after he gets home from work. 

You always avoid them, terrified one look into the blue you’ve loved for so long and you’ll crumble at his feet. You chatter about nothing important, the weather outside and your neighbor upstairs who always stomps around at four in the morning. 

Bucky always listens intently and you begin to feel a little guilty for cutting him out completely. You just needed some time to get over him, then one day you could come home and watch Law and Order with him again and cook dinner together. 

But for now, you pretend he’s nothing more than a roommate and like you’re not desperately in love with him. 

It’ll work. It has to work. 

》

Your name is like honey coming from Steve’s lips. He’s got a kind smile on his face as he hands over your coffee. He had slipped behind you in line at the coffee shop with a sheepish hello.

“You didn’t have to do that.” You say softly as you take it from him. “I can pay for my own coffee.” You can see the ingredients scribbled onto the side of his paper cup and it makes you smile into your sip.

Steve Rogers had a sweet tooth. 

“Day off? Or just a break?” You hold the coffee shop door open for him to follow you out onto the street. Steve gives you a thankful smile. 

“Break. I’m heading back to the office now.” He takes a sip of his drink. There were two weeks left of November and the streets of New York were doing their annual flip. Christmas lights going up too early and gloomy skies overhead.

You walk beside him, one hand shoved into your pocket. “Mind if I walk with you? I’m off today and I am so bored just sitting around the apartment.” 

“Not at all!” Steve answers quickly. There’s a slight flush on his cheeks that you attribute to the wind nipping at both your cheeks. “I could use the company of someone other than corporate lawyers.” 

You laugh at his dramatic eye roll. “You know most of your friends work at that firm.” Steve gives you an unapologetic smile. “Two friends and I can admit they can both be dicks sometimes.” 

He looks at you like he knows something and you swallow, turning to look straight ahead of you. “I disagree.” You finally say after a moment. He looks down at you with furrowed eyebrows. “Sam is always a sweetheart.”

That startles a laugh out of Steve, who looks at you with a shine in his eyes. He shakes his head and looks down at the sidewalk in front of him. “You okay? I know that-“ 

“-I’m fine.” You cut him off. You look up at him with a half smile. “And we don’t have to talk about it. In fact, let’s not.” You force out a laugh and Steve nods slowly.

You end up walking the rest of the way in a comfortable silence. Steve has a reassuring presence, something you don’t think you’ve ever even realized until now. Warmth radiates off of his body and his eyes give everything he feels away. Steve is a good apple. At least that’s what your grandmother would say if she had met him.

“This is me.” Steve says softly as he slows to a stop outside the corporate building. If you look around you’ll notice every building near by looks almost exactly the same. “Thanks for walking with me.” He says softly with a nervous smile.

You smile back. “Thanks for buying me coffee.” You hold it up towards him as if to show him. “And for letting me tag along.”

Steve shakes his head. You’re sure he has to get back to work soon, you know their days are usually full and small breaks like this were just that - small. “You don’t have to thank me. I… I like hanging out with you. You’re cool.” He scrunches his nose up when he realizes what he’s just said but you giggle.

“Cool?” You ask with a teasing smile. Steve looks down at his feet with red dusting his cheeks. “I think you’re cool too.” The words are soft as you nudge his boot clad foot with yours.

Steve looks up with bright eyes. “Yeah?” You nod and he smiles to himself. “We should… We should hang out more.” He suggests hesitantly.

Your eyes widen as you look at him. Steve looks about two seconds away from being sick with nerves and it’s sweet. Completely and utterly tooth rottingly sweet that someone is this nervous around you. Your heart picks up at him wanting to hang out more.

“Like dates?” You question quietly. Steve turns a bright shade of right and you’re reminded of Bucky blurting his secret out weeks ago. “I would like that.” You don’t give him a chance to respond to your first question.

He smiles so bright that you’re blinded by it. “Yeah?” You nod with a small smile. “Yeah. Now go back to work!” You shove his shoulder lightly which makes him laugh. “You have my number.”

He’s nodding happily as he backs away. “I do! I’ll text you?”

“Please!” You laugh as he pushes through the glass doors backwards, almost running over a women. He smiles awkwardly at her before facing you once again. You wave as he disappears into the crowd of people. 

When he’s out of sight you let out a sigh. He was kind and incredibly endearing. Steve was a man every woman would be lucky to date. Why did you feel so guilty for flirting then? 

You know why. 

You ignore it.

》

Bucky watches with pursed lips from his spot by the front desk as you and Steve chat outside. He tries his best to read lips, but your both standing at an angle that makes it near impossible.

“You’re not creepy at all.” The voice makes him jump and he turns to look at Sam, leaning against the opposite side of the reception desk. Martha, the woman who runs the desk, looks between them in amusement. “Steve is some kind of psychic, huh?” He snorts.

Bucky turns his glare onto Sam. “It’s not my fault they’re out there for everyone to see.” He snaps before turning his eyes back on the scene in front of him.

Sam laughs loudly and Bucky watches his Steve embarrasses himself by running into a girl leaving the building. He would feel better about it, if he couldn’t see you smiling brightly at the man.

Bucky loves Steve, but he wants nothing more than to punch him in the face for not staying away from you. Even though Bucky is fully aware you’re both adults with minds of you own, he had never imagined Steve would actually sweep you off your feet.

When Steve makes his way towards Sam and Bucky, Sam has got a cheesy smile on his face and Bucky can do nothing but glare. “Got myself a date, boys.” He smacks a hand against Bucky’s back.

“It’s like… She was run right into my arms.” He smirks before making his way towards the elevator. Sam follows behind Steve with another loud laugh.

Bucky is left standing in the lobby alone. He watches your form retreat across the street and sighs. He had made a mess of things, huh?

》

You can’t get the dress to zip up all the way. You’ve tried a multitude of angles, from pulling the dress up and trying to reach it over your shoulder to almost breaking your arm at an awkward angle.

You sigh in defeat as you stand in front of your mirror. You can hear Bucky in his room across the hall, music playing a little too loud and his footsteps around the room. He’s got his cleaning playlist on, it forces a small smile to appear on your face.

You suck in a deep breath. Roommates helped each other with zippers. It was normal, Bucky could help you with a zipper.

“Bucky.” You knock softly on his door. There’s no answer, he probably can’t hear anything over the music. You knock harder. “Bucky?” The music stops and you suck in a nervous breath.

His door flies open and his eyes widen when he sees you standing in the half zipped dress. His eyes narrow. “What’s up?”

Your fingers fidget in front of your stomach as you look at him nervously. “Can you… Can you help me zip the rest of the way? I just can’t get it.” You admit sheepishly.

Bucky nods. “Turn around.” He orders softly and you do as he says. His fingers find the zipper stuck halfway up your back and your breath hitches. You think you hear his do the same as he begins to pull it up slowly.

It’s a tense silence as his hands rest on your back for a second too long. When he drops them back to his side, you turn to look at him. He shuts his eyes tightly and sighs. “Listen. About what happened-“

There’s a knock at your door that makes you step away. You look at Bucky apologetically. “I’m sorry. I’ve got to go.” You take a few stumbling steps away.

You feel his eyes on you as you move through the apartment and collect your purse and jacket. When you open the door, Steve is standing there with flowers and it makes you pause.

Bucky’s bedroom door slams shut when you pull the flowers into your own hand. His music starts playing again as you get them into water. You and Steve smile awkwardly at each other.

When Steve’s hand lands on your lower back to guide you out of the building, all you can think is Bucky’s hands there earlier, warmer and somehow softer, you try to ignore how wrong it feels.

You were moving on. It would get better.

》•

Bucky’s pathetic. That much he knows. Four drinks in and he’s missing you desperately. All he can think about is Steve’s hand on your back and how you look in that red dress.

Did you know it was Steve’s favorite color? Is that why you had worn it? He had seen the black lace of your bra underneath when zipping the dress for you, had you worn that on purpose too? 

He feels like he’s hit rock bottom. Like it can’t get worse than this. His best friend on a date with his other best friend who he wasn’t talking to anymore because he wanted a friends with benefits thing. 

I had other friends, he thinks. Friends who I could stand to lose. Why did I want her? Why did I do that?

Annoyingly enough, Steve’s voice is what answers him. You’re in love with her. The words make Bucky jolt up in his seat because, well, he’s never thought that before. He’s always known he loved you in a platonic sense and that he cared for you deeply, but being in love with you?

That can’t be it. Bucky didn’t really do being in love. He’s seen what that does to people. He saw what it did to his mother, heartbroken and left with two kids to raise on her own. He’s seen what heartbreak has done to Becca, who used to lock herself away in her room and spend hours crying over boys who weren’t worth it.

He snorts to himself, taking another sip of his drink. They say you can only go up from from rock bottom. Bucky thinks he’s got some kind of special ability to go lower though as he stares at his phone. 

He wants to text you and beg you to come home. He calls his mom instead. “Ma?” He asks quietly when she picks the phone up. “It’s Bucky.”

“I have caller ID. I know.” She lets out a laugh. “What’s up? You sound upset, my love.” She asks gently.

“I fucked up, Ma.” Bucky admits after a moment of silence. “I…” 

“What’s wrong? What happened?” She sounds panicked and Bucky immediately feels bad for worrying her. 

“No I mean, like, with Y/N. I fucked up with her.” He explains. His mother inhales sharply at the sound of his best friends name.

“What happened?” She asks softly, almost knowingly.

“We… I… I’m not meant for relationships? You know? Love? It always ends bad so I told her we could just be friends with some benefits.” He feels a little embarrassed sharing this with his mother, but he doesn’t have anybody else to turn to. “And I fucked it up. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.” Bucky can admit that he blurred the lines. That he didn’t treat you like just a friend, but when had he ever? You’d always been a little closer than normal friends. 

“Oh Bucky.” His mother murmurs, her tone isn’t disappointed, just sad. “I’m so sorry your father did this to you.” Bucky rubs a hand over his face. “Ma-“ 

“-No, Bucky. I’m sorry you didn’t get to see the value of romantic love. Of love that keeps you warm and love that makes your heart race.” She says quietly. 

“It always ends in heartbreak. I don’t need it.” He says defensively. It’s silent, Bucky listens to his mom breathe before finally whispering, “What if I’m like him? What if I ruin her life?” 

“Oh sweetheart, you’re nothing like him.” Her voice cracks. “You’re good. You’re a good man. You’re empathetic. You care deeply. You don’t have to be afraid of ending up like him, you’ve already proven you won’t.” 

“Doesn’t feel like that.” Bucky lets out a short laugh. “Feels like I already am.” 

“James Buchanan Barnes. I am not going to sit here and listen to you talk about yourself like this. You’re not like him because you see what you’ve done wrong. Because you feel remorse.” She says heatedly. “Your father never felt bad for what he did or who he hurt, that’s what makes you different. That’s what makes you better.” 

Bucky wipes hastily at the tears that he hadn’t realized were falling down his cheeks until now. Has he always been this much of a light weight? Full of emotion and regrets that are only amplified by his drunkenness. 

“I love that girl like she’s my own.” His mother’s voice brings him back. “So, what are you gonna do to fix this? I already bought her Christmas present.” 

Bucky laughs. His chest feels a little lighter. “Leave her alone.” He answers genuinely. He can almost see his mother’s mouth open in protest. “She’s on a date with Steve. I can’t ruin that for either of them.” 

There’s a sigh on the other end of the line. “You’re a good man, Bucky. Every good man makes mistakes. It’ll all work out.” She says vehemently. 

“I love you, ma. Thank you.” Bucky looks at the bottle in front of him. “I love you too. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” She asks gently. “Okay.” He nods as she hangs up. 

Her words help, but he’s still filled with guilt as he thinks of you. He had never wanted things to become this messed up with you. The last thing he wanted was for you to hate him.

Then why’d you do it? Bucky pulls at his hair. Since when was his subconscious so annoying? Was it the drinks? It’s your voice next. I mean nothing to you? 

“No. Shut up.” Bucky says to himself before standing up, his knee knocking against the coffee table painfully. He groans, but doesn’t stop moving. He feels like he’s going to be sick. He is going to be sick, he realizes as he forces the bathroom door open. 

He throws up. He’s not sure if it’s from the drinks or this overwhelming feeling of pure angst in his chest. A feeling that makes his lungs constrict and his heart ache.

He briefly wonders if this is heartbreak. And if it was, did that mean Steve was right? Bucky loved you?

He makes it back to the couch and starts a random movie in an attempt to stay up and wait for you. To talk or something. He was so, so sick of not talking to you.

But he falls asleep less than fifteen minutes later and he doesn’t hear you step into the apartment.

》•

“I had a really nice time tonight.” You say quietly. It’s almost midnight and you’re sure your neighbors wouldn’t appreciate you waking them up. “Thank you for taking me out.”

Steve stuffs his hands into his jacket pocket and gives you a grin. “Thanks for letting me take you out.”The two of you look at each other before breaking eye contact with awkward laughs. “We should do this again.”

You nod. “We should!” You lean up and press a kiss to his cheek before turning towards your door. “I’ll see you later, Steve.” You say softly before pushing the door open.

Steve gives you a short wave with a happy smile. “See you.” He begins to back away, down the hallway. “I’ll just.” He jabs a thumb over his shoulder before spinning around to walk straight.

You laugh silently to yourself as you finally step into your apartment and shut the door behind you. With your eyes shut tightly, you lean your back against the door and let out a sigh.

Your silence is disturbed by a groan and your eyes shoot open. Bucky’s laying on the couch, one arm hanging off and a bottle of whiskey sitting almost completely empty in front of him.

“Oh, Bucky.” You let out a sad sigh as you drop your purse and keys on the entryway table. His eyes are squeezed shut, you can tell he’s in a deep sleep.

When you stand in front of him, you push the stray hairs that are stuck to his sweaty forehead back. He’s flushed and you don’t know exactly how much he’s had to drink, but he was definitely drunk. You allow your nails to trace over his cheekbones and jawline in admiration.

You move away, suddenly aware of what you’re actually doing. You move quickly, picking up the empty glass and whiskey bottle and moving towards the kitchen. You leave the glass in the sink and stuff the bottle back into your drinks cabinet.

You think of just going back to your room, but you know you can’t leave Bucky shivering on the couch. You grab a clean glass and fill it with water before placing it on the coffee table in front of you. You pull out your travel Advil from your purse and sit it next to glass. His favorite blanket is draped over the back your lounge chair. You pull it off and drape it over him gently. Bucky snuffles then turns so his face is pressed into the couch.

You look down at Bucky again before leaving him in the room.

》

It’s like there’s a shift between you and Bucky after your date with Steve. You’re kinder and you seem to be more open with him again, while all Bucky wants to do is hide away in his room.

Every time you sit across from him in the living room or join him for dinner, he feels panic rise in him like vile and he ends up sitting tensely beside you.

Because you’re figuring your shit out. You want to be friends with Bucky again while Steve takes you out every weekend. It’s perfect. Going swimmingly, really.

Except, Bucky is falling apart. Every time you go out with Steve he makes himself sick thinking about what you’re doing. He’s stuck in this constant cycle of why does it hurt so much and you love her you love her you love her.

He just wants to scream so what? Even if he did love you, what did it matter? It’s not like it would change anything. You had never told him you loved him, you had only been angry because he had given you mixed signals. Now, you had moved on to someone easy, someone without commitment fears and who didn’t give you mixed signals.

So, even if he did love you, why would he say anything. Why would he ruin something good for you? He wanted to prove his mother right. He was better than his father, and he wouldn’t ruin something good for you. Not when he was the one who had driven you away. Sick sense of irony, the way this worked out.

》

You’re trying. You can tell Bucky is too. As you come further out of your shell again, he sticks to staunch boundaries and has ceased all of his old affectionate gestures. You know it makes sense and it’s for the best. Even if it does nothing but remind you of what you had grown used to with him before all this.

Besides, you couldn’t blame Bucky for not feeling the same way you did. Not when you had agreed to just benefits and not when you had never told him the truth. 

And Steve was sweet. Steve was gentle and kind and kissed you like you mattered. He held your hand in public and introduced you as his date when you ran into people he knew.

He was good. You cared for him, a lot, and you were desperate for it to work out. For it to work out with Steve and for it to work out with Bucky.

That’s how this night started. These thoughts and a plan. A stupid fucking plan for moving on. Drinks with everyone. Wanda, Vision, Sam, Steve… Bucky.

Bucky who was talking to a redhead at the bar. Bucky who you couldn’t stop staring at as he smiled and charmed her. Your fist tightened around your glass as you watch her nails inch towards his hand.

“Another round of drinks?” Sam’s voice pulls you from your stare. You shake your head to yourself and glance around table. Everybody’s glasses are empty except yours. “I’ll go!” You offer as you drain the last of your drink quickly.

You stand up before anybody at the table can question it. “I can help you.” Steve goes to stand, but you place a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Bucky’s up there. I’m sure he’ll help!” You give him a big smile, one that he answers with furrowed eyebrows. You don’t think much of it as you spin on your heel and make a beeline for the bar.

You don’t see the look Wanda shoots you or the glance Sam and Steve share. You stop right behind Bucky and lean on the counter as you order then you tap him on his shoulder.

He spins quickly. “What’s up? Everyone okay?” He asks, his eyes shifting between you and the table of your friends.

“Yeah!” You give him a small smile. “I was sent for drinks and I didn’t realize how many there were. Think you could help?”

He glances between you and the redhead, who’s giving you a kind smile as she waits. You smile in return before looking up at Bucky again. “Please?” You tack on with a pout.

Bucky laughs. “Yeah. Whatever.” He looks down at the woman again. “You wanna join us? Promise everyone is super cool.”

Your eyes widen as the drinks are placed in front of you. She wasn’t supposed to come. This was supposed to… You pause.

This was supposed to get him away from her. Back to your side.

“Yeah!” You give her a fake smile. “You should join us, we could always use more girls.” You chuckle as you lift three glasses.

Bucky grabs the other three before looking at the woman in question. She shrugs before grabbing her own glass to follow after you two.

You hand out the glasses before taking your seat beside Steve again. He arm comes up to rest behind your chair and you can’t shake the urge to push it off.

“Guys, this is Natasha.” Bucky gestures to the woman besides him before pulling a chair out for her. “Natasha. Wanda, Vision, Steve, Sam.” He points everyone out before finishing off with you. She smiles politely at all of you. You grind your teeth as he sits beside her.

The group seems to take a liking to her right away. She laughs at Sam’s jokes and compliments Wanda’s engagement ring. You’re burning with jealously as Bucky flirts in front of all of you.

It’s wholly irrational, a sober you would know that this jealously doesn’t really make sense. Three mixed drinks in though and it feels like Bucky is doing this to hurt you.

It feels like he’s showing you what he could never do with you. He never flirted with you in front of your friends or allowed his hand to inch towards yours on the table in front of them.

Bucky was secretly affectionate with you. It was tangled feet on Sunday mornings and cuddling Saturday nights. Sex in the middle of night and… heartbreak the next morning.

So his drifting hand and charming smile directed towards Natasha is suffocating you with insecurity. What did she have?

“I’m going home.” You stand abruptly when Bucky leans towards her with a laugh. Your shaky on your feet and Steve reaches a hand out to stabilize you. Everyone looks at you with confusion. “I… I don’t feel good.”

“I’ll walk you home.” Steve stands immediately.

You shake your head. “No!” When he freezes and looks at you with hurt eyes you smile tightly. “I mean, I’m going to take a Lyft. You stay here, have fun.”

“At least let me wait with you. So you’re not in the cold alone.” He insists and you nod slowly.

You really want to be alone, to wallow in this feeling, but Steve was nice and of course he wouldn’t let you go alone.

You watch Bucky for a moment, like you expect him to say something, to offer to come with you. Like he always did, but his attention shifts back to Natasha as Steve’s arm wraps around your waist.

It’s silent as he guides you out of the bar and tense as you order the Lyft. “Fifteen minutes.” You say softly.

Steve nods and looks around the almost empty street. You open your mouth to break the awkward silence, but he beats you to it.

“What happened between you and Bucky?” He asks quietly, his hands stuffed into his jacket pocket, and his teeth gnawing on his bottom lip.

You swallow thickly. “He didn’t tell you?” You ask instead of answering the question.

“He told me you guys had a friends with benefits thing going on. Then he told me you didn’t.” He doesn’t look angry, just sad as he stares down at you. “You know Bucky, he doesn’t share a lot.”

You look down at the sidewalk, your heel scuffing against it nervously. “I don’t know. I read things wrong, I guess. I… I thought we had a chance?” Your tone is questioning and you let out a laugh in a self-deprecating manner.

“You still love him?” You eyes shoot up to meet Steve’s. You open your mouth to say something, anything, to turn this conversation around but the door opening takes your attention off of the conversation.

It’s Bucky and Natasha, laughing softly with one another. You turn away quickly and feel the vomit rise in your throat. “I’m gonna be sick.” You murmur before throwing up all over Steve’s shoes. He grimaces and takes a step back as the couple turns around at the sound of you.

Bucky calls out your name. You can’t look up, instead you drop to the ground and sit on the sidewalk ledge.“Are you okay?” Bucky kneels down beside you as you cough.

“I’m fine. You can go. Go.” You urge, unable to look up at him. Bucky doesn’t budge though, his hand coming up to push back the hairs stuck to your forehead. “Bucky. Please.” You groan.

“I’ll walk her home.” Bucky says to Steve, ignoring your pleas. “The air will do her some good and the car moving will only make her feel worse.”

Steve looks between you two hesitantly. “I don’t know, I can take her.” You still feel nauseous, especially at the idea of Steve who you’re pretty sure just broke up with you wanting to keep you away from Bucky for your comfort.

When you look up, Natasha is standing behind Bucky with worried eyes. You feel tears gather in the corner of your eyes as they move to Bucky. He smiles gently, his hand still resting against your cheek. “Let me walk you home, sweets.”

The nickname makes your heart soar. Months of nothing but your first name and you feel like you’re floating at the sound of it. “Okay.” You nod, your hand coming up to rest on his. “Okay.” You pull out your phone to cancel the Lyft.

He helps you stand. “I’ll see you.” He says apologetically to Natasha. She doesn’t look upset, in fact she smiles at him like she knows something you two don’t. “I’ll let you know when we get home.” He says to Steve, who nods before following Natasha inside.

You feel flushed and hot all over. A horrible mixture of drinks, jealously and nausea settling in your stomach. It makes you horribly dizzy and you’re forced to lean against Bucky heavily for support.

“One step at a time, sweets.” Bucky says softly, his metal arm wrapped tightly around your waist.

》

“Almost there.” Bucky exhales a deep breath as he all but carries you towards the couch. He’d given up on getting you down the hall, you had pretty much become dead weight and getting you down the hall to the apartment had taken a lot out of Bucky. “Few more steps, sweets.”

Bucky’s cheeks are red and his entire body is warm. It’s been so long since he’s been this close to you and he can’t help but feel his heart grow as you latch onto him.

“Easy. Easy.” He murmurs as he sits you down gently on the couch. You mumble incoherently as you head lands on the back of the couch.

He pulls away from you and pulls his phone out. Sorry to leave you, maybe we can catch up another time?

Maybe. As friends, of course.

Bucky glances at you before looking back down at his phone, he begins to type but another message pops up quickly.

I saw the way you looked at her, I don’t think you’re looking for a girlfriend! It’s okay :)

Bucky leaves the phone sitting on the coffee table as he focuses his attention back on you. You open your eyes and look at him sadly. “What’s wrong with me?” You ask quietly.

“Nothing.” Bucky responds immediately, his hand reaching out for your cheek. The moan of relief you let out at the coolness of his metal appendage goes straight through Bucky. “Nothing is wrong with you.” He forces his voice to stay steady.

He takes a seat next to you on the couch and drops his hand back to his lap. While you stare at the carpeted floor, Bucky’s eyes trail over you. He takes in the skin tight pants and soft sweater. The way your legs look makes him swallow thickly. You were beautiful and Bucky loved you. 

The thought makes him pause, but it doesn’t scare him nearly as much as he thought it would. He did. He loved you. He knew looking at you now that the months of questioning it and then trying to make himself believe it was just as a friend as you dated Steve, was all in vain. He loved you. Maybe he had loved this whole time. 

You look up at him suddenly, like you can hear his thoughts, and Bucky is frozen in his spot. You move towards him slowly and he can’t do anything but watch. 

You crawl into his lap and Bucky’s hands immediately rest on your waist to hold you steady. “What… What’re doing?” He can’t hide the shock in his tone. He has to hold back a moan as your hands come up to run through his hair. You left yanks gently at the hair on the back of his head to force him to look up at you and Bucky is unable to stop the moan from slipping out then.

You smile down at him cheekily. “Want you to fuck me.” Your already slurred words are murmured, so Bucky almost doesn’t understand you. “It’s been so long, Buck.” You grind down and he chokes on his own spit, not expecting his night to end like this.

“You gotta stop, sweets.” His grip on you waist tightens in an attempt to halt your movements. “You’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re doing.” He says, looking back up at you. 

Your hands rest on his shoulders and you shake your head. “I know I hated seeing you with her. I hate not having you. Please, I miss you.” You whisper pleadingly.

The words pain Bucky. “I miss you too, but you don’t want this.” He gently pushes you off of his lap and back onto the couch cushions beside him.

Your head falls to your hands while your elbows rest against your legs. “Why don’t you want me?” You look back up at him with wet eyes. Bucky freezes. Is that what you thought? That he didn’t want you? 

“Sweetheart, you have no idea how much I want you.” He admits, reaching out to pull your hands away from your face completely. You shake your head and pull yourself away from him. 

“If you wanted me you wouldn’t have flirted with her all night. In front of me. In front of our friends.” Bucky looks at you with wide eyes. How could you be upset with him over that when you had gone with Steve? When you had been dating Steve? 

“You’re with Steve.” He reminds you. “Am I supposed to not flirt with other people? You told me we were just roommates. We’re barely even friends!” He exclaims. 

“No! I told you that because you hurt me.” You wipe tears off of your cheeks. “You… You made me feel like I was something to you then told me I was just a fuck. I was hurt.” You explain. “God, you- I loved you so much and you just - just-“ 

“You love me?” Bucky cuts you off. He knows you’re drunk, but the words make his heart race. He feels his eyes soften as he stares at your form. 

The tears gathered in your eyes begin to fall down your cheeks as you shake your head hastily. “Loved you. I loved you. But you didn’t love me, so I moved on.”

Bucky didn’t know it was possible to physically feel your heart break, but here he was, his heart cracking painfully as you look away from him.

“I’m so tired.” You whisper. “Why could you flirt with her in front of all our friends? Why… Why was I a dirty secret?”

Bucky doesn’t know what to say to you. Doesn’t know how to explain to you that he wasn’t afraid of losing her the way he was you. He didn’t know her at all, he certainly didn’t know her the way he knew you.

“We should get you to bed.” Bucky stands abruptly. His hands come down to hold your arms gently as he helps you stand. “We can talk in the morning.”

You allow him to pull you up, it looks like you’ve given up on furthering the conversation. Bucky picks you up bridal style to carry you down the hall.

Your arms rest loosely around his neck. “Steve broke up with me.” You say as Bucky drops you onto your mattress. “He knows about us. He doesn’t want someone who… who…” You trail off before falling into a fit coughs.

“We’ll talk in the morning.” Bucky says softly, his fingers trailing over your cheeks. “I promise, sweetheart.” You already have a water bottle on your nightstand, so Bucky searches your vanity for Advil.

He leaves two pills beside the bottle. You’re already dozing off, your eyes fluttering shut, so Bucky leans down to press a kiss to your forehead. When he goes to pull back, your hand shoots out and wraps around his wrist. “Stay. Please.” You whisper.

Bucky hesitates for a second before nodding and sitting beside you on the bed as he pulls his shoes off. His heart races as he moves to lay beside you and he feels flushed as you curl into his side.

He allows himself to relax with you in his arms. It had been so long since you’ve been beside him like this and Bucky lets himself feel love as you do. 

Is this what he had been afraid of the entire time? 

》

You wake up hot, nauseous and with a pounding headache.

And something wrapped tightly around you. When you open your eyes fully, the first thing you see is a metal arm wrapped tightly around your waist. You groan when your eyes trail up and the sunlight streaming in from your window hits you.

A deeper groan is returned and it makes you freeze. You rack your brain for what happened last night, but all you could remember was getting sick outside the bar and Bucky taking you home. Had you said something? Had he?

You turn over in his arms and look up at him. His eyes are still closed and he’s letting out steady, soft breaths.

“Bucky.” You whisper, your hand coming up to rest against his chest. “Bucky, wake up.” You say a little louder.

His eyes snap open and immediately he pulls away from you. “Shit. Sorry. I’m sorry. You… You…” He sots up and rubs a hand over his face.

“I don’t… What happened? I just remember you walking me home.” You sit up slowly. You’re still wearing your leggings and the sweater from last night. You groan. “I’m sorry I took you away from…” He shakes his head. 

“It’s okay. I offered. You asked me to stay when I got you into bed, I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable.” His apology is sincere and you suck in a deep breath.

“It’s okay. I don’t… You know I don’t mind falling asleep with you.” Neither of you move or say anything, just sit on opposite sides of your bed in awkward silence. “I-“

“I love you.” Bucky blurts effectively cutting you off. Your eyes widen and your pulse quickens as you stare at him. You had not been expecting that. “And… I’m sorry it took all of this. Not being friends, Steve, drinks, for me to realize, but I do. I think I’ve always loved you, I just… I didn’t know it.”

You shake your head as you try to process what he’s saying. “I don’t… I don’t understand. Where is this coming from?”

“I… Seeing you with Steve. I didn’t… It killed me inside.” Bucky admits.

“And you think that means you love me?” You spit out. “You said it yourself, Bucky Barnes doesn’t do relationships.” You shake your head. “You’re just jealous because you don’t have my attention anymore.”

“That’s not true.” Bucky says adamantly. He turns his body on the bed so it’s facing you. “It made me realize I love you. It made me realize my favorite time of the day is when I get to spend time with you. That our Sundays spent reading and Saturdays watching Law and Order were always better than bars or parties because I was with you. I… I want to do the relationship things with you. Holding hands, just sleeping together. Telling people you’re my girlfriend.”

You stare at him tearfully. “How do you know it’s love? That you didn’t just miss me?”

“I know what it’s like to miss you. This feeling? This warmth in my chest when you’re around and the ache there when you’re gone? That’s not missing you. I...” He pauses. “I love you. And It’s okay if you don’t feel the same anymore-“

“-Anymore?” You question. Your eyes squeeze shut as you headache gets worse. “Bucky, what-“

“You told me you loved me last night. You were drunk, I know, but-“

“Fuck.” You laugh to yourself as you take in everything he has said. Pieces of last night come flashing back to your mind. Crawling into Bucky’s lap, crying, admitting you had loved him. “Oh God.” You groan, rubbing your hands over your face.

“Bucky you don’t have to-“ You shake your head. “You don’t have to try and make this something it isn’t because you feel bad.”

“I’m not.” Bucky reaches a hand out to rest on your back. “What can I do to make you believe me?”

You look over at him. “Prove it.”

》

Steve meets him for coffee later that morning. You’re out with Wanda for Sunday brunch and Bucky is on his final stop of his apology tour. 

“Hey.” Steve looks up from his phone and smiles at Bucky. “Can I sit?” Bucky motions to the chair across from him and Steve nods.

Steve pushes a black coffee over to Bucky, whose nose scrunches up at the scent. Fair, Bucky thinks. “What’s up?” Steve asks quietly. “You missed our run this morning.”

Bucky looks down at the table. “I had some stuff to deal with. You know with-“ Bucky cuts himself when Steve nods. “Listen, I wanted to say I’m sorry. Shit was never supposed to get this messed up.”

Steve shrugs. “You tell her?” He gives Bucky a knowing smile. “That you love her?”

Bucky gives him a small smile in return. “I did. Yeah.” He taps his fingers against the table. “She’s got some, uh, trust issues with me. But it makes sense. We’re gonna take it slow.”

“I’m happy for you, Buck.” Steve admits after taking a sip of his drink. “I was never mad or angry with you. I always knew she still cared for you and I think I always knew it would never be anything serious.”

Bucky nods. “Thanks, Steve.” He looks down at his coffee with an appreciative smile.

“Besides,” Steve smirks, “Natasha is super cool. We exchanged numbers last night after she asked about what was going on between you two.”

》

Bucky invites you to spend Christmas with his family. You don’t even have to think about it before you say yes. Christmases with his family were always full of warmth and love; You absolutely loved it. 

You’re more excited to be here this year too, to celebrate with him in this way. As his girlfriend, you had heard him tell Rebecca over the phone when informing her of his plans to drive up to see them Christmas Eve. 

You had the perfect gift for him too, well, you have a few gifts for him. Most of them could wait for Christmas with his mom and sister, but there were two you were just desperate to see his reaction to.  

That’s why you slip out of his room in the early hours of the morning when the sky is still dark and everybody is asleep. 

That’s how Bucky wakes up, a small, wrapped box sitting on the nightstand and you nowhere to be found. Bucky eyes the box warily before looking around the rest of his bedroom. Your suitcase is unzipped and he can tell it’s be riffled through before being shoved back into the corner os his room.

His door is pushed open quietly. “Why are you up?” His voice makes you jump and spin so your back slams against the door. Bucky has to bite back a laugh as you take a couple deep, calming breaths. 

“I...I was going to wake you up.” You tip toe across the room and crawl into bed beside Bucky. You suck in a deep, nervous breath. While you and Bucky had been dating for the past few weeks, you had also been taking it slow. “For gifts.” 

Bucky’s eyebrows furrow as he sits up a little straighter in bed. “Gifts? It’s five in the morning, I promise Becca and my mom are in such deep sleep we couldn’t wake them if we tried.”

Kind of what I’m banking on, you think. “No. I mean.. Our gifts, for each other.” You explain in a soft voice, before reaching over to pick up the small box you had left sitting on the nightstand. “I didn’t want to give you this in front of your family and I don’t think I can wait.” You admit a little sheepishly. 

Bucky looks down at the box with a soft smile. “Just let me get one of your gifts.” He sits it down on the comforter before crawling out of the bed and moving to his suitcase. He picks up a small box, wrapped in the same gift paper his is because he had stolen your roll, and smiles up at you.

He hands it over and the two of you just stare at each other with bright, happy smiles before tearing into the wrapping paper at the same time. Your mouth drops open in shock when you open the box.

A bracelet is staring back at you. A silver band filled with charms that make you smile as you run your fingertips over each one. Your alma mater’s mascot. The Brooklyn Bridge. A bottle of wine. “Buck...” You trail off in awe. “This is beautiful.”

“Sweets.” He says the nickname gently and you look up to watch him pull the watch out of the box with a small smile. “This is...” He flips it over in his hand and his eyes widen when he notices the engraving on the back.

the best lovers start as friends.

“I love you.” He runs a finger of the engraved metal as you whisper softly, “I... I’ve loved you for so long, Buck, and having your love in return is unlike anything I could have imagined.” 

Bucky drops the watch on the bed between you as he reaches across to pull you into a bruising kiss. You drop your own gift onto the bed and reach up to rest a hand on his chest. 

“I love you.” Bucky pulls away to whisper the words. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” He punctuates each sentence with a kiss to your skin. You giggle softly as he moves towards you and his hand settles on your waist. 

“I have something else for you.” You pull away to remove the bracelet and watch from the bed. Bucky watches as you move so you’re on your knees with intrigued eyes. You smile coyly as you move to pull his shirt over your head. 

Bucky lets out a low moan as his eyes trail over your body, covered in dark green lace. “What’s this?” His fingers come up to trace over the lace and leave goosebumps in their wake. 

“Your second gift.” You murmur breathlessly as he fingers drift lower and lower. Bucky smirks as he leans towards you and presses a kiss to your neck, then across your collar bone until he’s trailing kisses down the valley of your breasts. 

He pulls away after a moment and looks up at you questioningly. “Are you sure?” 

You smile down at him and wrap your arms around his shoulders. “I wouldn’t have dropped this much money on lingerie if I wasn’t sure.” His arms wrap tightly around your waist as he pulls your body flush against his. 

“What did I do to deserve a gift like this?” He looks up at you with a bright smile. You run a hand through his hair. “Love me.” You answer genuinely. Red dusts Bucky’s cheeks at your words as you lean in to kiss him. 

You shift so you’re straddling Bucky’s lap. “Gonna fuck me?” You murmur in question against his lips. Bucky moans against you and his hips buck up involuntarily. His hand drops from your waist to your thigh and he trails his fingertips up. 

“You look so pretty, sweets.” He smirks up at you as his hand pushes the lace aside. He runs the tip of his index finger over your wet folds and you push down already wanting more from him. “Patience, sweetheart. Let me take you in. I wanna enjoy my gift.”

You moan as he begins to rub slowly against your clit. “Want you to ride my thigh first, sweets.” Bucky shifts you so your legs are straddled over his left thigh.

You moan as your clit rubs against his thigh. You pull at the waist band and his sweatpants and he helps you pull them off of his legs before situating your body back over him. “Fuck.” You let out a deep sigh as his hands land on your hips.

His eyes are dark and pupils blown as he stares at you above him. Bucky’s already hard, you can see his dick straining against his briefs. He doesn’t do more than lightly guide you by the hands on your hips, but his eyes watching you intently as you moan is enough to make your stomach twist in pleasure.

“Fuck, James.” He groans as his first name tumbles out of your mouth in a breathy moan. “You look so pretty on my thigh, sweetheart. I love watching you.”

He leans forward then, to press kisses across your breasts as you move back and forth against him. “Feels so good.” One of your hands twists in his hair and Bucky moans against your skin.

You move faster against him as you feel yourself get wetter. You moan his name like a mantra as Bucky’s hands grip you tighter and tighter.

Bucky’s hands force you to a stop. You whine at the lost of pleasure, but it’s not long before Bucky has you flipped so you’re laying on your back beneath him.

“Gonna fuck you, is that okay sweets?” He leans back to pull his shirt off and you nod hastily as your hands come up to pull at his briefs. It’s not long before you’re bare underneath him, the lace garments discarded to the floor of his bedroom.

“Gotta be quiet.” He runs his tip over you folds in a teasing manner that almost makes you moan out. Instinctively, your hips buck up with a quiet whine. His hand comes up to cover your mouth. “Don’t want Becca to hear. She’s just down the hall, sweets.”

It’s a warning and it makes heat spread through you. You’re not sure if it’s the idea that you could get caught in his childhood bedroom or the way Bucky’s voice deepens, but it makes you tired of waiting. “Please.” Your beg is muffled by his hand, but he hears it. He doesn’t wait any longer, he pushes himself all the way in and you both let out relieved moans at the feeling. “Fuck. Fuck. You always feel so good, baby.” 

Your back arches into his body as he begins fucking you at a slow pace. When he seems satisfied that you won’t make too much noise, his hand moves from your mouth he rests his forearm on the pillow beside your head. “James.” It’s a whispered moan that makes his hips stutter. “Faster. Please. I’ll be quiet.” You promise, your legs wrapping around him. Bucky leans down to press a bruising kiss to your lips as he fucks into you faster. You moan into his mouth as pleasure rushes through you. 

There’s something extremely intimate about the way he fucks into you, one hand holding onto your hip and another resting beside your head. It’s love, you realize when he pulls back to look at you with soft eyes. It does something to you, makes want rush through your veins and pulls the air from your lungs. “I love you.” You whisper into the space between you two, Bucky still pushing in and out of you. 

“I love you.” His eyes slide shut and his head falls to nuzzle into your neck. “You look at me like that again I’m not gonna last, sweets.” He press a gentle kiss to your neck before beginning to suck harshly. You’re sure there will be a mark there tomorrow that you’ll never live down, but you can’t bring yourself to care when his tongue runs over the mark and your stomach clenches in excitement. 

“Fuck. I’m so close, Bucky, please. I- I need-“ His hand is reaching between your bodies before you can spit the sentence out. His finger rubs against your clit as he quickens his pace. “Yes. Yes.” You moan, and you can immediately tell it’s too loud when Bucky freezes. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” You mutter, so close and desperate for him to resume his pace. 

“I know, I’m close too, but we can’t wake the house up.” You throw your head back and bite down hard enough to draw blood when he resumes his movements. He’s rubbing at your already sensitive clit and fucking you quickly, it’s all too much as your stomach tightens in pleasure. “Yeah. I can feel you, baby. Come for me, please. I need to feel you.” His tone is deep and possessive in your ear. 

When he slams into you hard, your orgasm washes over you. Your mouth opens in a moan that Bucky catches with a messy kiss. You can feel his hips stutter against you as he reaches his own high and releases into you. 

The two of you stay like that for a moment, just breathing with each other. “Merry Christmas.” You laugh softly as Bucky pulls out and moves to grab a towel from his desk chair. 

Bucky smiles as he comes to lay beside you again and wipes gently at your thighs.  He pulls the comforter up so it’s wrapped around both of you again and pulls you so your head rests against his chest. “Merry Christmas.” He whispers in return.

You glance out the window and find that it’s snowing again. You’ll probably be snowed in for the next few days, but you don’t really mind, not with Bucky here and in your arms the way you’ve always wanted. 

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

notes // this took weeks to finish and i truly hope whoever reads it through enjoys it! 

my writing is free & will remain free. if you enjoy it and you have the resources, consider donating to my ko-fi :)

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes x fem!reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes oneshot #steve rogers #james bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction

[egcdeath]

ways to say i love you without saying “i love you”

pairing: steve rogers x reader

summary: you and steve explore love languages

word count: 5.1k

warnings: fluff, a little angst because of miscommunications, reader & steve being idiots, good intentions but terrible delivery, mentions of other characters

author’s note: this fic has been sitting unfinished in my drafts for so long. this fic is like, ancient. this fic was almost destroyed because it was briefly in the library of alexandria. when i reopened the document with this fic, there were mold spores growing on it. (p.s. steve’s love langauge is acts of service, and the reader’s is quality time)

you can find my masterlist and taglist here

Prologue

Steve was a multitasker. You knew this well. Perhaps too well.

That never seemed to bother you before, but if the man who was supposed to be taking a serene nature walk with you checked his goddamn flip phone one more time, you were completely sure that you’d lose it. 

You paused your story about your obnoxious coworkers for a moment, stopping in the middle of the gravelly trail you two were making your way down. 

“Steve, seriously, are you even listening?” you griped, ushering him towards the side of the pavement as a man on a bike flew by. 

He guffawed a bit at this, “of course I am. You just said something about…” he paused, and you gestured with your hands for him to continue. “Okay, sorry,” the blush on his face was becoming more and more apparent.

You involuntarily scoffed, rolling your eyes as you did so, “I’m glad to know that whatever you’re waiting for on there,” you gestured to his pocket, “is more important than spending quality time with your girlfriend, who, must I remind you, took time off to be here with you.”

“Nothing is more important to me than you, I’m just on call. I’m probably going to get called to go on a mission any moment now.”

“Steve!” you huffed, “you literally just got back, like, two hours ago. Can’t someone else go? Tony? Vision? Anyone?”

“I might’ve volunteered myself-“

“You’re unbelievable, Steve. Are you getting tired of me or something? You’ve been avoiding me like the plague ever since I moved in with you. If I upset you, or you’re gonna propose to me or something, can you just tell me?”

“I promise you it’s not personal at all,” he reached for your hand and gently held it. “Everything’s just been crazy. I mean, these Hydra bases have been popping up left and right. Just give me a little grace, okay? I don’t get upset with you when SHIELD starts making you work those ungodly hours.”

You opened your mouth to debate him, but surely enough, the canny and familiar ringtone of Steve’s work phone interrupted you before you could even begin. 

“Okay… Yeah. I’ll be there in thirty.”

You frowned at Steve as he spoke on the phone and shook your head disapprovingly, “unbelievable,” you muttered, storming in the direction of your home. 

——

Steve was no fool, he knew when he messed up, and he was more than willing to take responsibility for such. Now was one of those times. He knew that he should’ve been making more time for you. He was well aware that he shouldn’t have gotten defensive when you pointed this out. 

He just had no idea how to apologize.

You weren’t exactly making it easy for him either, taking much longer hours in an attempt to avoid him. While he could understand your frustrations, it became a little more difficult everyday for him to properly apologize to you in a way he felt was meaningful.

Eventually figuring to use your avoidance as a tool, Steve devised a plot to make an apology for you so considerate, so superb, that you could never be angry with him again. A plot that included a several course meal, all concocted by himself. 

He could imagine the look on your face as you came home from work, shocked, but the good kind of shock. Pleasantly surprised that your sweet boyfriend had put in such a huge amount of effort to say sorry. 

He couldn’t help but imagine the scenario: you would relax into your seat at the table after Steve pulled out the chair for you, hum in content as he poured your favorite wine. Moan happily at the taste of a homemade and rarely prepared salad dressing, before complimenting the melt-in-your-mouth entree he had spent an unknown amount of time laboring over. Finally, you’d gush over the dessert that Steve hadn’t had the chance to cook in years, tell him that he worked far too hard putting everything together, especially for a little argument. Steve would scoff, tell you you’re being too kind, and you would pull him in for a red wine and dark chocolate flavored kiss. 

The thought of you, your genuine and warm smile after a long day at work, and an even longer week worth of unspoken tension between you both, was enough to keep Steve motivated through the hours he spent preparing your meal.

He greeted you at the door like an excited puppy as soon as he heard your keys jingle. Sure, work had kept you a bit longer than he’d expected, and your food was likely a little cool by now, but he was excited to make amends. 

However, you did not seem to share the same enthusiasm as Steve. 

“Welcome home, gorgeous. Come sit,” Steve nudged you into the dining area, and you sluggishly followed, exhausted from a tiring day of training new agents.

“What’s wrong?” he inquired, pulling out a chair that you didn’t even attempt to sit down on. 

“I had a really long day. I kinda just wanna get to bed,” you shrugged before rubbing your creased temple.

Steve internally cringed at the thought of all of his hard work going to waste. For some reason, he’d not envisioned this less pleasant outcome before. “Sweetheart,” he began in a nearly whiny tone, but you weren’t in much of a mood to be persuaded.

“I’m sorry. Weird things were happening at work that I don’t care to get into now, and honestly, I’m not even that hungry,” you reached out and gave Steve’s hand a little squeeze. “But it all looks and smells so good! I Promise I’ll warm some up tomorrow for lunch.”

“I-,” he paused, “please. Maybe you could just take a few bites of everything. It took me a really long time to get everything prepped and ready.”

You frowned at the plea, feeling a bit guilty but almost… satisfied at the same time. Steve struggled to make time for you because of his work, and now he was getting a little taste of his own medicine. 

“I really am sorry. But hey, now we’re even?” you offered with a playful wink, slipping away before you gave your partner a chance to respond. You truly didn’t have the energy for a four course meal that night, let alone another argument. 

——

Wanda was silent for a moment as she sipped from a mug of coffee, watching you with a suspiciously focused look on her face. 

“Wanda?” you prompted, seemingly snapping her out of whatever trance she had found herself in. 

“Oh my God, I know exactly what you guys need,” she just about blurted, reaching across the café table to grab your hand. 

“Were you reading my mind?”

Your friend didn’t respond, but the devious smirk on her face was enough of an answer. 

“What happened to telling me before reading me?”

“You just looked like there was a lot on your mind. And absolutely no way that you’d tell me,” she shrugged nonchalantly.

“Of course I was gonna tell you! Why else would I ask my friend in a cute relationship to meet me for coffee?”

“Because you like me?”

“No, never that. I just needed advice,” the two of you shared a laugh for a moment.

“Well don’t waste your breath. When Vis and I had a rough patch, we just had to learn each other’s love languages. You’d be surprised just how much that synthezoid values those acts of services.”

“And you?”

“I’m a words of affirmation girl myself,” she shrugged. “You should find out yours, and try to figure out Steve’s. I guarantee it’ll be helpful in the long run. I can send you guys a test, if you want?”

“Oh god no, please don’t tell him that I told you about us. Actually, I didn’t even tell you! You were digging around in my brain, and I don’t appreciate that. Just do me a favor, and don’t share this with anyone, okay?” You paused dramatically, then leaned in to speak to your friend in a whisper, “but send me that test when you get the chance.”

Gift Giving

“A little reality-warping birdie told me you’ve been having some relationship problems,” Tony said teasingly once Bruce left the conference room, leaving him and Steve alone. 

Steve paused for a moment, trying to decide whether he should lie or fess up to the allegation. “How did she know?” Steve finally responded, standing up and pushing the chair he was sitting on behind him. 

Tony shrugged dismissively, “I don’t ask these kinds of things. I just hear in passing that the geriatric is having a hard time and tune in.”

Steve shook his head slightly, rolling his eyes to mask his clear embarrassment. 

“Well, is it true?”

“We’ve just been having the occasional… rift. A little more than occasionally.”

Tony nodded, fake pondering the situation, “well, I always know what I do for Pep, at least after I tell her I’m getting rid of the suit. Go buy her something nice. Really nice, like jewelry, or a purse if she’s into that kind of thing. I would say a car, but I know that Social Security check isn’t getting you too far. You know what? Put it on the company card. My treat.”

Steve wanted to scoff, turn his nose up at the offer like it was a terrible idea, but it really wasn’t. Maybe a material surprise was the way to win you back. He made a soft ‘hmph,’ noise as he mulled it over. “That’s definitely not your worst idea. Thanks,” he gave his teammate a soft smile before collecting himself and heading out of the conference room. 

His first stop after work was some local jeweler. Steve threw on a (not very) inconspicuous outfit before entering the building, where he browsed for a good hour, searching for something that he believed you’d like. After looking at more jewelry than he had ever cared to see in his life, he decided on a necklace with a thin golden chain with a decent sized diamond hanging off of it. It was a little pricier, and you’d be able to tell— but he hoped it would help the gift mean more to you. 

——

When you arrived home late that night, Steve was sitting in the living room waiting for you. It was almost daunting, the sight of him sitting alone on the couch mostly in the dark, only the television illuminating his face. He kind of reminded you of a parent waiting to confront their child who just snuck out, or a concerned friend seconds away from staging an intervention with you. 

Walking past the room, you peeked your head through the doorway, and observed the flat, small box in front of him on the coffee table. 

“Hey, Sweetheart,” he greeted, standing up so he could greet you with a hug and grabbing the little box as he did so.

“Is everything okay?” you probed, speaking into Steve’s shoulder.

“Of course. I just wanted you to know how much I love you, and that I’m sorry for not having as much time for you as I should,” he pulled away before holding the box out for you. 

You hesitantly took the box and opened it, letting out a gasp when you viewed the delicate looking gold necklace. 

You were having mixed emotions, because it was clearly beautiful and you were grateful to the gesture. But you knew that this must’ve been expensive, and that it was so unlike Steve to have done something like this. Your frugal, Great Depression era guy wasn’t exactly the most material. 

“I love it,” you gushed, admiring the jewelry. 

“Can I put it on you?” Steve asked, and received a nod in return.

Steve set the box down on the table and lifted up the necklace, bringing it up to your neck and focusing on clasping it in the back.

“Babe, how much was this?” you blurted, not even being able to filter the words before they left your mouth. 

“Hmm? That doesn’t matter,” he dismissed, then stepped away from you to admire your clavicle. 

“It just feels weird letting you spend so much on me.”

“It’s a gift, though. You’re not supposed to think about those things,” he hummed, pressing a chaste peck to your nose. 

“Steve, I got you a Nespresso for Christmas and you wouldn’t stop complaining about how expensive it was. I love it, I really do. It’s beautiful and I’ll always think of you when I wear it. I just think that maybe we should have the same standards for each other,” you stood up from your seat and sidestepped him. “I need a shower.”

Steve watched you walk off, letting your words simmer in his thoughts.

That was the last time he would take relationship advice from Tony. 

Words of Affirmation

This conclusion probably shouldn’t have taken you this long, but you were almost completely sure that this would be the love language to win Steve back over. You felt bad for some of the occurrences between the two of you lately, with sour exchanges and sweet moments that turned bitter on a whim.

In all honesty, you were concerned that Steve doubted your love for him. And if his love language really was words of affirmation, this would certainly convince him otherwise. 

You sat at your desk the night before Steve departed for a two-week mission, trying to write a nice message for him. You tapped your pen on the stock paper in deep thought as you tried to figure out the best thing to say. 

I’m sorry for arguing so much with you lately. You and everything that you do mean the world to me, even when you get on my nerves. I love you more than anything and that will never change. 

The words looked cramped and unkempt on the little note. Your handwriting got messier as you went. You groaned at it, crumpled the paper, and tossed it in your trash bin. Time to start over again.

I’m sorry for arguing with you. I love you a lot. Can you stop picking up your phone when we’re spending time together?

You groaned at the passive aggressive tone of your message. That certainly wasn’t going to get you anywhere. Straight to the bin it goes.

I love you so much so don’t die on your mission or I’ll be pretty upset. Be safe out there xx.

The tone was even more off now. You needed to think of something that would really make Steve remember you while he was gone. For a second, you considered snapping a nude with a polaroid and attaching it to the letter.

I’m sorry that things have been so bad nasty for us lately. I promise that I love you, despite our ups and downs. Nothing will ever change that. I’ll miss you more than you know while you’re gone. Make sure you call me every day, my love. 

A little cheesy, but you signed off with your name regardless, and contentedly looked at your work. The spacing looked correct, the tone wasn’t harsh, and you knew for a fact that Steve would appreciate it.

You stayed up a little later than normal, waiting for Steve to get home and change out of his ‘work clothes’ so that you could slip the note into his utility belt. 

You folded the note to a small little square and set it beside an granola bar in a pocket you’d assumed he frequently used. Content with your work, you laid back in bed until your partner slipped in bed beside you, and sleepily cuddled into you until you were both unconscious. 

—

Around two weeks had passed since Steve had seen you last, and he had decided to stop by the office and finish up paperwork before coming to see you. It had been radio silence on his end, despite the note in his clothing that clearly requested daily contact. Part of you wondered if Steve had seen it at all.

Steve had just finished signing the documents when he finally noticed it, reaching into a sparsely used part of his belt to have a quick snack. His hand landed on a folded piece of paper, and he cringed as he unfolded it, the letter becoming clearer and clearer as he did so. He wondered just how long the message had been waiting for him. 

He read your sweet words with a frown on his face, the guilt from not opening it sooner overriding the sweet feelings that he would otherwise have. He grabbed his phone and considered texting you, but abandoned that thought altogether. 

“FRIDAY, any idea where Y/N is right now?”

“I was told not to share any information about Ms. L/N, Captain Rogers.”

“Whose orders?” Steve pressed.

“Hers,” the bot quipped back. 

Steve groaned aloud. He was really in for it tonight.

Physical Touch

“Have you tried touching her more?” Thor casually queried. The water that Steve had just consumed nearly flew out of his nose, and his cheeks reddened instantly. 

“Pardon?” he asked, looking away from his friend instantly. 

“I understand that you and Y/N have been having troubles lately. Perhaps she does not feel held by you. Maybe she wants you to show her off in public, to hold her hand, hug her,” he suggested. 

Could Steve even be blamed for going there? He was having a chat with a god of fertility. Who wouldn’t think the same? 

“Stark’s gala tonight. Show the world that she’s yours, and I guarantee that she’ll love every moment of it.”

——

You were confused. Really confused.

The night began with some simple touches, hand holding as you entered the building, a casual arm around your waist as you chatted with donors and politicians you hadn’t seen in months, a playful match of footsie under the table while waiting for food. But it came to a head when Steve had decided to rest his hand on your ass and grope you in the midst of a conversation.

Now, in any other situation, you would welcome this affection. But both you and Steve had never been a fan of PDA, and this was a bit too far. 

As subtle as you could manage, you pushed his hand away, offering him a sour look as you did so. 

“Excuse us,” you told some rich old man in an artificially sweet tone before ushering Steve off to his office for a bit more privacy.

“What was that about?” you questioned, sitting down in the padded chair behind Steve’s desk, and running your fingers over your necklace in a bit of a nervous tick. 

“What do you mean?” he retorted, standing across from you at the desk and setting his hands on top of the clear table.

“Why were you groping me in front of people? That’s really... unlike you. And it made me uncomfortable.”

Steve frowned genuinely, looking down at the table in embarrassment. “I’m really sorry. For making you uncomfortable. It sounds ridiculous but I was just trying something new.”

“Apology accepted, but are you sure? You weren’t like, jealous of those guys or something? You know you’re the only hundred year old I have eyes for,” you set your hands atop of his and squeezed.

Steve chuckled at this, the flush of his cheeks only highlighted more by the laughter, “it’s just that, uh, Thor told me I should try showing you off more. Or something like that.”

“So you groped me in front of our guests? That’s silly. And a little unprofessional,” you glanced over at the cork board on his desk sitting next to his desktop, and amongst the neatly arranged scratched out to-do lists and random reminders, you couldn’t help but notice the creased paper of the note you’d left for his mission. Your chest warmed when your eyes fell upon it. 

“When did you find this thing?” you asked, pointing to the note. 

“I meant to say something, but when I found it, FRIDAY said you didn’t want to talk to me. SO I was going to bring it up when I got home, but you were still working. After that, I kinda… you know-”

“Forgot?” you finished with a hearty laugh, “It’s fine. You’re such a dork. C’mere so I can get my own groping in,” you chided, grinning to yourself when Steve wrapped his arms around you in a tight embrace. 

Acts of Service

Steve was quietly folding your laundry in your bedroom when it finally occurred to you, but when it did, it hit like a ton of bricks.

Steve’s love language was acts of service!

Things suddenly began to make sense to you, the way that he initially attempted to apologize by spending hours cooking one meal, how he consistently worked to make your life as comfortable as possible, and his great insistence to do house chores, despite you being more than capable.

Steve set down a stack of folded sweatshirts by your calf, snapping you away from your brief retrospective daze. If that really was the case, and Steve’s love language truly was acts of kindness, you had to come up with some sort of plan to communicate to him just how much you cared about him in a way that he really appreciated.

Luckily for you, you were a quick thinker. Before you even knew it, a week filled with random acts of kindness before he was off on yet another mission was quickly hatched.

——

You were up at the ass-crack of dawn. Really. Steve liked to get up earlier than the sun in order to run, or train, or whatever the hell it was that superheroes did. You were seriously regretting your decision to wake up around the same time as him in order to do some favors for him in the morning. 

By the time Steve was back from his run, his favorite coffee was brewed and cooling, and you were in the laundry room at the dryer, preparing to give Steve a warm towel after his shower.

Despite the three mugs of coffee you’d just downed, it was becoming more and more difficult to keep your eyes open. It didn’t help that your eyelids felt like they weighed fifty pounds each, and the warmth of the dryer next to you was providing you with just enough comfort to drift off.

And drift you did. In fact, half an hour later, you’d missed the frantic calling out for you from your boyfriend as he searched for you around the apartment. 

You finally awoke when he shook your shoulders, his amused voice bringing you back to consciousness. 

“What’s going on here?” Steve grinned, pushing some hair out of your face. 

“Mmm,” you began, “Iwantedtogetawarmtowel,” you slurred sleepily and incoherently.

“Even with super hearing I couldn’t decipher that. Let’s get you a mattress, okay?” Steve hoisted you up like you were nothing, and carried your half asleep body all the way up to your bedroom. 

The next thing you knew, you were buried under your favorite comforter and propped against a mountain of feathery pillows. A gentle forehead kiss and an incomprehensible sentence about calling off of work for you later, you were back in a deep sleep. 

So much for warm towels.

—

You were going to do better this time. That’s what you told yourself as you strolled through the grocery store, the same store that you hadn’t shopped in since moving in with Steve, as he preferred to do the shopping himself.

Equipped with a short paper list and sheer determination to make the trip as short and accurate as possible, you gathered all of the groceries that you believed were necessary— just enough to restock the fridge, and fill some gaps left in the cupboard. 

Your time at the store was indeed brief, as you found yourself in the checkout lane after just twenty minutes (you definitely weren’t going to brag about that to Steve later. Definitely not), and back home with just enough time to unload the groceries, and further prep yourself to go to work. 

You’d honestly forgotten about your trip to the store by the time that you arrived home, up until you found your boyfriend arm deep in your pantry, hellbent on finding… something.

“Can I help you?” you poked with a laugh, coming up beside Steve and peeking over his shoulder.

“I’m just… Did you happen to grab any protein bars while you were at the store?” he asked, pausing his search to look back at you.

“I don’t think so. Why? It’s not like you need any more protein,” you teased, squeezing a bicep to demonstrate your words.

“They’re pretty convenient when I’m out in the field. Don’t worry about it, though. I’ll just swing by the store and grab some before my mission tomorrow. Actually, I should probably go now. Y’know, before I forget,” Steve was already grabbing his car keys from the counter by the time his sentence was finished, leaving you to fight off your disappointment at your minor grocery store failure.

You looked at what you now knew was an insufficiently filled pantry and pinched the bridge of your nose. You had seriously underestimated the ins and outs of shopping for a super soldier. 

Well, third time’s the charm?

—

After this week, you would never complain about waking up early again. You were now up at an absolutely ungodly hour, scrambling eggs, flipping pancakes, and spreading jam on toast for a sleeping, unsuspecting Steve.

You placed the plate on a sturdy wooden tray, poured orange juice and an extra glass of water, and set a nicely folded napkin, along with utensils, next to the items.

You hoped that the scent of bacon wafting up to your bedroom would eventually pull him out of his slumber, and seeing how bacon was the only thing left to finish cooking, you took a little break. 

A round of Candy Crush turned into two, then three, and goddamnit, why can’t you beat this fourth level! You got so wrapped up in your mobile game that you didn’t even notice when the scent from your kitchen became slightly rancid, and when you rushed over to the oven to check on your now extremely burnt bacon, the smoke detector wailed.

You grabbed a kitchen towel and waved your arms like a madwoman near the smoke detector, the shrieking eventually stopping, but not before Steve was halfway down the stairs.

“Y/N, where are you? Is everything okay?” he nearly shouted, racing down the stairs and barreling through the smoky kitchen to find you. When he reached you, he wrapped his arms around your waist and began to pull you out of the kitchen. 

“Steve, relax. Everything is okay. Except those pieces of bacon,” you rubbed your now sweaty palms on your pajama pants before breaking away from him to crack open the kitchen window. 

“Christ, what happened? And why are you up so early?”

“I was trying to make you breakfast in bed,” you admitted, rather embarrassed by the dramatic scene you’d accidentally created. “Sorry,” you muttered.

Steve wrapped his arms around you once more, this time in a reassuring bear hug that left your cheeks pressed to his chest. “Don’t be. I really appreciate this, and everything else you’ve done this week. It’s the thought that counts, right?”

“I guess,” you mumbled into his shirt. 

“Besides, everything else looks delicious. And you tried your best for me while trying something new. I think that’s really sweet of you.”

“Really?” you pried, looking up at him.

“Really,” Steve confirmed.

“Well, I think it would be really sweet of you if you went back to bed and got all cozy so I can take care of you.”

Steve chuckled softly, pressed a little kiss to your nose, then nodded, “yes ma’am.”

Quality Time

Steve had been in a bubbly mood since getting back from his mission, and for no particular reason. It wasn’t like you weren’t happy that your partner was happy, but feeling like you were out of the loop was slightly concerning.

Before you could let your thoughts run too wild, you decided to pop the question during one of your evening walks. 

“Okay Steve, what is going on with you?” you asked, veering to the side of the trail when a biker rode past you. 

“Nothing big. Nothing too important. I’m just out of service for the next three months,” Steve said casually, playing it cool. 

“What?!” you paused, your brows raising and eyes widening in surprise as you searched his face for sincerity. “You’re serious?”

“Serious as a heart attack.”

“Steve!” you gasped happily, nearly roaring out his name in excitement. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“I was going to tell you before wining and dining you, but you beat me to it. So…?”

“…So I’m happy to have you back. I may need you to negotiate some time away from work for me in the next few months, then. I don’t wanna miss this preview of stay-at-home-dad-Steve.”

“Hey, don’t push it.”

“Oh, I’m planning on pushing it.” 

Epilogue

The sun was beating down on you, but the soothing breeze that flowed past your checked blanket every so often provided a pleasant antidote to the summer heat.

You’d truly picked the best day for a picnic.

Despite spending a good amount of time with your partner, the last month and a half had truly felt like a whirlwind. You casually started looking for a forever home, found yourselves making plans for an early retirement, and you had a new, sneaking suspicion that a proposal was on the horizon.

In the midst of it all, Steve had suggested that the two of you take a midday tryst at your local park and throw yourselves a little picnic. Of course you obliged, because when your greek god of a boyfriend suggests going on a spur of the moment date, you agree.

You now watched the nearly cloudless sky with pure, unadulterated feelings of content and joy while Steve set a slice of cheese on a cracker, leaning over your body to feed you. As you opened your mouth, Steve paused abruptly at the soft vibration coming from his pocket. 

Steve resumed as if nothing had changed, popping the cracker into your open mouth and letting his phone continue to ring.

“Don’t you wanna get that?” you questioned.

“It can wait,” Steve stated nonchalantly, slipping his phone out of his pocket and pressing decline with absolutely no hesitation before tossing the device to the edge of your blanket.

You didn’t realize how long you’d been waiting to hear those three words.

-------

a/n: this could’ve been solved in like 20 minutes by sitting down and taking a love language quiz together

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x y/n #chris evans x reader #chris evans x you #avengers fanfiction #steve rogers fluff #steve rogers fanfiction #captain america x reader #captain america x you